The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #338 No One Gets Out Alive

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

Nikki's depression has been creeping in this week but thankfully she is learning a lot from therapy and from her vocal coach about finding happiness. To prevent spoilers from now on, Anya will warn everyone by honking her internal horn. They talk about stress manifesting in the body, what Nikki says to her cold soars, emotional eating and emotional vampires. They try to break down what makes people happy and what the process plays in it. In the Final Thought Brian encourages Nikki to be a piece of garbage and she has just the clip of herself having road rage to show him.  ——— Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian Frange: brianfrange.com More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast is the show this is it how is everyone this is this is it if you're expecting this is it all right this is the show i was really trying to sound upbeat and then like my depression came through the truth voice was like this is my fucking show no i'm so happy that is my show we keep getting asked to have guests on and they're like pretty good guests but i'm just like no i don't know i'm sorry to the listener listening i'm sorry to i heart radio if you want me to have like better guests on uh not that these you guys are not even guests you guys are part of the show i just know that when i like a podcast i don't like guests unless it's an interview style podcast i don't enjoy guests it messes up

the fluidity of the show the vibe that like that's why it was important for me to bring in brian and and not have he's someone that i get along with him it's not like it was we get along anyone i have on the show i mean from time to time i mean in my head we used to get along um yeah i just i don't know about do you guys you guys listen to podcasts it's like a recurring cast it's like if parks and rec had like a joe biden on every week you would be like what happened to nick offer i'm yes it's the cast of friends and they're having in um it's emily or it's julie coming into it and you just go i don't like this it's messing up the flow you're trying to insert someone in that i don't it's Julie coming into it. And you just go, I don't like this. It's messing up the flow. You're trying to insert someone in that I don't.

It's not that the guests are not. Sometimes they're amazing. I mean, if we have Ian Fidance on or like someone I know, it's a really good to my mom. Yeah, Julie Glazer, someone everyone knows. It's a fun time. But for me, I know myself. I get thrown when there's someone here who I always think that they don't want to be doing it.

And I know that is insane. I'm just being honest. Ever since I had my Sirius show and we would have, you know, celebrities would come by Sirius, the building, and they would be on these press tours. And when a celebrity is doing press, if you ever see them on like Colbert and Kimmel and all these things, those are like the highlights of what they do.

They do so many other interviews. There's one part where you just go sit in a room in a big building and you zoom into every like NBC affiliate in the country. So like any like news channel for like you do those interviews and it's exhausting and it's rarely fun. And usually it's the same o'clock in the morning. Yeah, yeah. It can be those.

It's just, I don't like to add on to this for people. And a lot of times we get celebrities asking like, do you want this person? And I know it's not them asking, it's their publicist because I've had publicists before and you get sent a huge email of all the places you could go and you say yes or no to them and

I know it's like well you know whoever that person is they want to go because they got the email and they said yes there is a part of you as a celebrity that if you say no to something and your project doesn't do well it's your fault for not doing the Nikki Glaser podcast you couldn't spare an hour that day and an hour is a lot of someone's life. And I've had guests on, and Noah, you know what I'm talking about. We have had guests on the show that were duds. And who DM'd me to be on it.

Not even their publicist. They asked and they come on and they're bored. They're annoyed. I've been guests on shows where I get there and I always show up i'm pretty good a pretty good guest or two very good i never am like average i always try to like bring it but i will say that i just don't i have a thing where i never want someone to be doing something be cut out of obligation with me and it's's something I talk about a lot in therapy.

I cried about it the other day because I watched the episode of Succession. Brian, you can sit this one out. I know you're not involved. Wait, spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. We have to let people know. Spoiler alert.

No one died. I heard it's about... Is it true that it's about a family of rich people? That's Anya's mouth, everyone. That's the spoiler alert horn. What if I could learn that with my butthole? Hold on, let me try my butthole. Wait.

Try it. It's working. No, that's your... No, that was your mouth. Wait, do the real one with your mouth because it's so impressive. People can't believe it. Oh my God.

Isn't that cool? Yeah, it's really good. That's like every 65-year- old man from Long Island's ringtone. That's so true. Why do old people insist? Whenever I lose my phone, people are like, let me call it.

And I'm on you. I'm not calling you out because you did that this weekend. But people are always like, let me call it. And I go, who the fuck has a sound on their phone it's not gonna do anything the number of times people have been like let me call it i go what what world who leaves their sound on their phone and then i hate when people say what about

is it on vibrate is it on vibrate because that'll that makes noise too if you're in a movie theater and you get a call and it's vibrating that's's like almost more disturbing than if it's like a platform. I don't have my phone on vibrate either. I, for some reason, don't know how to put it on vibrate. Well, just... You turn it on temporarily. Then you should be looking on your phone. Yeah, that's what I do.

You should be looking. I turn it on and I turn it off. That's what I don't understand why people don't turn off their ringers when it's time to turn it off. Oh, you turn off your phone completely? No. No, she like when the ringer starts starts ringing she'll press like the down button on the volume mute i do all of it guys i turn my ringer on i turn it off i put it on airplane mode i fuck with my phone oh yes i do it all too i never live live this life. I don't have it.

I never have it on. I never have the sound on because I always am scared that I'll be that person in public who has their alerts going and it's so annoying. Even standing in line at Starbucks, I don't want to hear your fucking phone.

You had such a big epiphany this week where you like helped 10 of us with this big epiphany you had about not giving a shit what other people think. So maybe that's part of your new task is not care. No, it's not being it's not being well to back up. I had a voice lesson yesterday and I was super I've been depressed for like a week and a half. Just been, you know, having the dark thoughts. I have a suicide book I'm reading that gives me comfort.

I don't know what it is. When I am really depressed, I want to read about suicide. I want to read about people killing themselves. I want to listen to it. I just go to the Wikipedia and read famous suicides. It's a weird thing I do. It gives me comfort. It feels like wrapping up in a warm blanket.

Brian, you are nodding your head. Is this relatable? I mean, I can dive into the darkness every now and then especially when you get dark you want to read dark stuff um no it's it's actually it's actually not good because i i know it's not if somebody dies like a celebrity or something i get obsessed about finding out how they died i need to know i find comfort in how they died for some reason if something bad happens like someone gets in a car accident and I see it, then I start reading about all the stats about car accidents. I look up every car accident that's happened in the last 45 years. And I think it's me just searching for ways to not have it happen to me. But it winds up being like a circling the toilet drain of depression that

just keeps giving me down anxiety yeah there's really no way to avoid getting t-boned by a drunk driver or you know i'm always when i drive at night i'm always on alert for people taking like getting on the exit ramp and coming towards me lights coming towards me i sometimes have hallucinated and started seeing the lights coming towards me when it isn't because i'm so on the lookout for because that's how people die all the time and accidents is people are drunk and they get on the highway going the wrong way that's wrong way drivers horrifying yes yeah so oh i am always on the lookout for that constantly chronically and sometimes it like i invent it and sometimes i've gotten really scared on the highway because i'm like it's coming and it's like,

no, that's like the headlights in front of me. It's so weird. I had some irrational fears where in my neighborhood, walking around, there's some really gigantic pine cones. They're literally like grenades. Right. And they fall from the trees. These trees should not be allowed in suburban neighborhoods

because they are as hard and sharp as grenades. I've seen one fall and dent a car. And so whenever I walk underneath trees like that, I used to freak out. And then someone said, what you have to do is you have to just spend like an hour under one of those trees. Face your fear.

Oh, exposure therapy. Exposure therapy. And so then I did. Now I feel a lot better, but I still believe that they should cut down those trees. What about when we were all living in New York City? Do you remember when the winter is fading and the spring is coming

and you slowly see those sheets of ice on the glass buildings melt and fall? And then you would see those sheets of ice on the glass buildings melt and fall. And then you would see signs, beware falling sheets of glass. And they're like huge sheets of glass that could just slice your head right off. Or there's like you are on the train and there's like a homeless man who is stabbing the air

and coming towards you. Yes. You know, wildly. I've seen a guy like that stabbing a phone and coming towards you. Yes. You know, wildly. I've seen a guy like that stabbing a phone pole just over and over again. What are we going to do? Walk by him?

Yeah. I mean, because it's discriminatory if you don't. You have to pretend like that's normal. That's how she died. Good job, sir.

There's a lot of... There's some homeless people popping up in my neighborhood and I cross the street and it's like i get i i feel uh bad doing that because maybe they're harmless but they're just making erratic movements they're kind of shouting in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable and i am protecting myself but anyway i um was depressed this week and so i've been like i picked up this book it kind of kind of like served to me.

There was like a, I don't know, it was on my Instagram, but a quote from it came up. A guy wrote a book about how to not kill yourself. So I'm like, okay, well, if I want to read about suicide, this is the book to read it. Because it's like I'm trying, not that I'm ever going to kill myself, but I just like to read about it. Because it's just, it's reading about a way out for for you standing under the pine cone it's like okay I'm I'm teaching myself that this is not likely to happen to me whereas I'm like I want a scenario where I can get out like I just cried this morning because there's a dog being put down on my friend's Instagram she runs a rescue Natalie

she's been on the podcast a friend not a guest that was forced on me um but she posted this dog that has like fucking all fucked up legs and breathing issues and its bones are growing in all these weird ways and it's it was having its last day on earth because they have to put it down and they took it to the beach and like fed it nice food and then the song was playing the Tom Petty like you belong among the wildflowers and it was just like oh my and i was crying and then i realized i was crying because i'm jealous that dogs get to be put down because i've been wanting to be put down this i just want to like i want it's it's not fair that like dogs can suffer enough that people go we can let them go but humans like have to just keep going and i don't want to die i just want a little bit of a break from living yeah um sometimes and i know that

people relate to that until the next episode of succession yes yes or until the next like fun dinner or podcast i get to do like i just um i just don't really like myself this week but i'm only sharing them because i feel like it's relatable and i know you guys are like but i like you and it's like why would i want to listen to someone who doesn't like themselves i don't really like myself this week, but I'm only sharing that because I feel like it's relatable. And I know you guys are like, but I like you. And it's like, why would I want to listen to someone who doesn't like themselves? I don't know. You have to ask yourself that.

Um, so anyway, I've been reading this book. I don't have the solution for you. I can't, I can't be anything. I like how you made it a listener's problem. Yeah.

Listen, guys, if you like me, you need to go to therapy. Yeah. Get some help and figure out your shit no i didn't mean it that way i just mean like i can't change who i am just because it might not be the greatest thing for you as a listener like i'm i'm sick of trying to be anything that i'm not feeling i'm like kind of trying to live in like exactly what's happening to me complete honesty about it um or at least this is how I'm trying to live today. Because yesterday I went to my voice

lesson and I was really depressed because I've just been comparing myself to too many people. And I don't fit in any of my clothes and I can't stop eating and all the things. And so I was just really depressed. And my voice is average and I'm just sick of being average. I don't like being average. I want to be special. And then there's all this hogwash about like, but you know, everyone has a, like I talked to my therapist yesterday who isn't my voice teacher, my therapist earlier on in the morning. And she's like, you know, I go, if I can't be extraordinary at something, I like don't want to be alive. I just don't really, it bothers me to like, it bothers me to dream of being something and really never being

able to do that it's like I just don't see the point of staying alive if you can't be the things you want to be and she was like well what about she said something about um everyone has a purpose and I'm like really does everyone have a purpose like I think there are some people that just don't and maybe I'm one like I don't know not that I'm one of them? Does everyone have a purpose? Like, I think there are some people that just don't. And maybe I'm one, like, I don't know. Not that I'm one of them, but I just don't like the idea where it's like, it's almost like that whole thing that the conservatives say about liberals, where everyone needs a trophy.

There's no losers. And it's like, I don't like this idea of like everyone. Some people are meant to pick up garbage. The guy's stabbing, does he have a purpose? Exactly. What, and why, what about like when a child dies of cancer and they're like, this is God some people are meant to pick up garbage. The guy's stabbing, does he have a purpose? Exactly. What about when a child dies of cancer and they're like, this is God. God needed this child. There's a reason behind it.

What would the reason be? He needed a short stop in heaven. Is that what they say? Oh my God. Sometimes things are just bad and bleak. I just don't know I don't know. Maybe that's my depression brain.

That's not able to see like everything has a reason and everything has a purpose. Some things just seem super cruel. And some people just seem very untalented, but want to be talented. And that to me is like sad. If you want to be something and you can never be it, maybe you're an example. I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. When, when therapists say that, I don't think they mean in like a like a religious or faithful uh respect i think they mean it more like what people get their happiness from

so the flailing guy on the train like his purpose is to go and to just flail around and get whatever makes him happy though i mean mean, yeah, it just like, what, what makes you happy in that moment? I guess in the moment it soothes him. But what about people who commit genocide and that makes them happy? Do we allow that? Like,

certainly not, you know, like what if him stabbing someone makes him happy? And then we're like, whatever brings you joy. Like that's kind of what I'm, I I'm getting at is that I don't think that everyone has a purpose on this planet and that some people are right to be like I'm worthless and like

sometimes I I don't like hearing I'm beautiful when I'm feeling ugly I don't like hearing I'm skinny when I know that I'm not the body I want to be and all these things that I think that people just kind of have these platitudes that are empty to me. And sometimes I feel like my depressed brain does see things literally for how they are. And it can be, um, I feel like I'm more enlightened than most people. And in a, in a way that is like brutal because you just see like, nothing matters. It does. Like I'm, I just don't like being average. And I don't think, I don't see the purpose in being an average person it just seems like you're a waste on the nation's resources and you're not contributing anything I know I'm contributing something I have meet besties all the time

who feel very connected to me I know that I contribute but what if I didn't should I kill myself then like if I don't have this podcast should I like what am? Like, if I don't have this podcast, should I, like, what am I bringing, joy am I bringing to the world? I just don't, so I just feel, then I feel like all my worth is wrapped up in this thing that

iHeartRadio presents to people. Like, I just, like, there's a corporation behind what I bring to the world. Like,

thank you, iHeart, but does any of this make sense? It just sounds like the ramblings of a true, crazy, depressed person right now. You don't sound crazy, but you, I mean, you soundart. But does any of this make sense? It just sounds like the ramblings of a true crazy depressed person right now. You don't sound crazy.

I mean, you sound depressed. You sound like everything is shit. It might be fun to, you know, just shit on everything for a while. That's always a fun thing. I like doing that. But no, you stumbled upon, you didn't stumble upon, you are acutely aware of the truth, which is that the- I'm cute?

Which is that, yeah. Hold on on it's turning around okay wait a second yes worth meter breaks nothing we do matters nobody knows what the fuck they're doing everything that exists in this world in society is made up and all we can do is what we decide we want to do and that's your fucking purpose i don't even believe that we make decisions and you don't even believe decisions i know and so what am i supposed to do but i do have a solution to all of this all of this does get better i will tell you about it after the break because i did have kind of a little bit of a piff

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And then everybody else wanted to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade, and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like, oh dad, all they was doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like I feel the moisture between my legs when

a man sends me money. I'm like, oh my God, it's go time. You actually sent it? Listen to the Good Moms Bad Cho podcast every wednesday on the black effect podcast network the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you go to find your podcast all right we're back so we're gonna follow up on everything these the moment in succession all because this is all connected so i was talking to my therapist in the morning my therapist that i have now is somatic therapist where she's like asks about what do I feel in my body it's all very confusing to me I don't feel things in my body I'm starting to kind of notice where I tense up and stuff but it's still a fucking reach I'm just mad because I'm mad I'm sad because I'm sad I don't know where it presents in my body Brian you you are someone who's on train with like,

are on board the train of all pain is in your head kind of thing, or like, not all of it, but I mean, it is in your head. That's where your nerves shoot. Well, that is the truth. Even if you have like a broken bone and something- It's in your head, yes. Everything that you sense and feel comes from your brain.

And so- Comes from your nerves sending a message to your brain so it is from your brain but there are a lot of instances where you do not have a physical manifestation that would cause pain and your brain is just creating pain due to emotional trauma or anxiety or things like that i'm i'm definitely i have lots of that yes you do and it's it's supposed to be enough to know that is what's causing it to make it go away like knowing the root is to make it go away

but it's a lot more than that I guess it just finds another place to start lighting up it didn't work for me just knowing that I mean then yeah if it crops up somewhere else and then it tricks you into thinking that it's a physical symptom, then it really hurts. Do you ever talk to it and go, I hear you.

I know. I get it. That has helped for me when I had a cold sore coming on because of stress. I just go, hey, message received. I am stressed out right now. I need to relax more. You don't need to turn into a blister. I don't need the full message.

You know when someone's explaining something to you and you get it right away, but they keep talking and they need to say it a million times over. That's what I say to my cold sore where I was just like, got it. Don't need to go the full route. Like everything you were saying, I completely get, let me repeat it back to you. Cold sore. I am stressed out. I am suffering. I'm saying yes to too many things I don't want to do. I am not sleeping enough. I am not eating right. You know, like you just tell it, like, got it. I'm going to address it. You can go away now.

That worked for me the other day. I thought I was having a shingles outbreak again because I had had shingles years ago. Remember? And Nikki was like, I was freaking out because I'm like, I know this tingling pain. Yeah. I know exactly what it is. It feels just like you have a cut on your arm with an exacto knife exactly like that and then you look at your arm there's nothing there

and that's what it feels like for a few days before the thing comes on you get shingles yeah and then you're out for like a couple weeks and it feels like you got the flu really bad and it's gross open sores and you can get shingles multiple times so i told nikki yeah she told me to do that and i did it and probably i wasn't getting a shingles outbreak who knows but i never got the thing i just kept saying over and over you can do it for sniffles you can do it for a sore throat coming on whenever but some people want to get sick like we all know people that are like i'm getting sick and they like they want it and they could and you can also invite it that doesn't make me feel any less bad for those people like a sickness is a sickness whether you brought it on unknowingly

subconsciously or not like i'm not taking anything away from these illnesses it's just you might have more control than you think write the thing that you don't want to turn into the thing a letter and just be like hey thank you so much for showing up i needed someone to kind of like shake me awake about my life not going the way i need to walk more i need to gather the sunlight whatever you can let it know you're going to do so it doesn't need to show up all the way because it's trying to send you a message what you're doing there is twofold one thing is you are uh acknowledging acknowledging the connection between the physical symptom and the emotion and the anxiety, saying that this is not a physical problem that I'm having. This is because I'm having an emotional

problem. My body, my limbic system, whatever is reacting in this way. And then secondly, you're not empowering it. You're kind of undermining it by talking to it. If you talk to it like it's a little baby or a dog or something, that undermines it because what you resist persists. If you have a symptom and you are scared of it and you keep focusing on it and you're like, how do I get rid of these headaches? How do I get rid of this

pain in my joints? How do I get rid of this pelvic pain? How do I get rid of my IBS? If you just keep focusing on it, it will just get worse because your subconscious mind will say this is important, this is important, this is dangerous, and we need to continue sending these signals because that's what the brain's focusing on. If you can talk to it like it's a baby, undermine it, and then just ignore it, it'll slowly, your brain will be like, well, this isn't doing anything, so let's just not do it

anymore. I think thank it because when you thank someone and you go, thank you so much, it sends them away. If someone's trying to give you a gift and you go, oh my God, thank you, but no thank you. I've already had enough. Like I don't eat sugar or whatever it is. Like someone's bringing you a cake. You be polite to it because it's trying, it is, it's trying to do good. It's trying to slow you down.

So you stop, like shingles would put you out, Anya. You wouldn't be able to work. You wouldn't be able to think about anything else. Therefore, you wouldn't think about all the other things that it's trying to get you to stop thinking about. You know what I mean? Like it would, it would,

it's trying to help you by not. And it's pain is trying to help you by not letting you suffer emotionally because emotional suffering is so we're so scared of it because we don't, it's not something that we feels tangible to us i think our brain reroutes it to physical things i mean that's just my interpretation i wish we had andrew huberman here to explain any of this and tell us we're all wrong but um every time i see his podcast i'm just like i learned something new i never somebody to see a clip of that 16 hour podcast but um so i went to this girl and she was talking to me about girl woman and she's 11 it's interesting

because i've been just gaining weight recently i've talked about on the podcast it's not like a lot of weight i don't hate it's not like i feel like i'm fat or i hate you because you might be fatter than me please don't put this on yourself it's just a me thing none of my clothes fit you get it i've already said it but it's crept up because i've started eating at night again like i wake up in the middle of the night and i am not, it's not because I'm hungry. Let me mind you. I know a lot of people eat at night because they starve all day. That used to be me. I don't starve during the day anymore. I eat like a normal person during the day. And then I'm in the middle of the night. I wake up at like two hours after I've gone to bed and I am ravenous and it's not actual hunger. It's just because if

it were hunger, I would just keep eating because I don't know. Or I would, it would, it's not actual hunger it's just because if it were hunger i would just keep eating because i don't know or i would it would it i just i kind of know the difference i don't know how to describe it because it just it seems like hunger and so i've been eating in the middle of the night um back to my old wily ways and it like started out as just like i'll just have a little something i didn't eat enough today you know it started out as me justifying it like oh my body just needs food to get through the night and then it turns into like every single night i get to like stop at a rest stop and get snacks like it's just like i'm on my body's on a road trip through the night protein bars because they're the easiest and i like i'm very connected to them those are like my eating disorder food because they're packaged you know

exactly how much you're getting there's like a sweetness to it there's a saltiness to it like i just have my ones and it's become like this habit where i'm doing it probably six nights a week if chris spends the night i don't tend to do it maybe because he's there and it would feel like i'd have to sneak it because i'd be horrified if he caught me in the middle of the night eating um so like maybe once or twice a week and sometimes i just like sleep through the night and i don't know why and i wake up in the morning and i feel like a million bucks because i'm not like bloated from eating a litter and i'm not talking about one protein bar i'm talking about several i mean this isn't like i used to where it was like nine and that's not an exaggeration

at all i used to eat nine protein bars throughout the night several meaning two or three and that's the god's honest truth like never more than three at this moment but three every single night let's talk that's like 600 calories over the course of it takes i think 3500 calories to gain a pound so that's three weeks i can gain two you know two or three pounds and i've been doing this now for months it's like crept up and it's like now it's showing up my clothes don't fit and and i'm also tired of it because it's just like it's this it's just not it doesn't make sense why i'm doing it so i was talking to her about your sleep yes and because your body has to like process it and now i get now my body thinks it's time to eat it's like it's not even

but it's emotional i mean because what it feels like in the middle of the night is a it feels like a hug and i've never described that i was talking to chris about it yesterday about emotional eating and he's like i've never understood what people say like eat your feelings and i really haven't either and i'm someone who's been doing it my whole life. I know I just don't because I'm not connected to my feelings. Right. So but she actually blew my mind yesterday because she was like, well, when you like cry a lot during the day or have some kind of like emotional expression or you receive some sort of comfort or you have a connect a strong emotional connection with someone you share or you open up in some way. Does the eating happen those nights? And I was like, I don't know. I got to start tracking it because I want to see

like maybe that is maybe I just need to cry and then I don't have to gain a bunch of weight. Like maybe if I just let out some feelings, that's what that is. So I am done doing it. I like I'm just flipping a switch where I'm like, I'm just I don't get to do that. So now, like doing it. I like, I'm just flipping a switch where I'm like, I'm just, I don't get to do that. So now, like last night before I went to bed, knowing I don't get to in the middle of the night, I was like, well, you get to eat as much as you want before bed

because it's, the kitchen is closed when you go to sleep. And it was kind of nice because I just like pigged out before I went to bed knowing that like, well, at least I'm not going to eat in the middle of the night because I can't do that and that I think really helped me be not like restricting before bed either just being like well when you're when you wash your face to go to bed it's done like I'm eating up until I wash my face at this point it's nice to hear someone tracking it talk about not being able to understand that phrase because I also had that like what eat your feelings I

don't get it but then when I first got into recovery for my eating disorder I would sit down and eat lunch let's say and then I would have a journal and once my lunch was over or sometimes during lunch I would just start journaling and I'm like I don't understand this eat my feelings thing and then I would fill up like four or five, six pages in my journal and I'd be sobbing. And all of a sudden I started to see, oh, I have all of this pent up, whatever you want to rage, sadness, anxiety of future shit. Like so much going on that I had no idea about because I would just eat through it. Not realizing I was eating because I was anxious not because I was hungry and then I slowly was able to over time distinguish between anxiety and actual physical

hunger yeah but then getting through the anxiety is just tough because it does it does sate my anxiety I when I wake up in the middle of night and I'm stressed or I go for it when I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm stressed or I go for it when I finish that bar I'm not I don't need more I'm I got the hot like I need three two usually it's like one but sometimes two I feel good I feel like I can go back to sleep and everything's okay sometimes I wake up again and I have another one like but I feel it does feel like I get wrapped up in a blanket and someone's like it's okay and I don't even know what I'm stressing out about. If you asked me in those moments, I wouldn't go, I had a bad dream or I'm worried about this shoot tomorrow.

There's no thought process behind it. It's just an impulse. And I know this is relatable. That's why I'm sharing it. I know there's some people that go, I don't understand this at all. But everyone is out of control with their food in this country. There's no one who doesn't struggle with like, I want to eat these things and I shouldn't eat this. So I'm not alone here. But she said to me, she goes, when this is an interesting question to ask yourself, if you struggle with like

overeating or just, you know, feeling out of control with food, she was like, in that moment, when you wake up in the middle of the night, is there anything that you could get instead of the food that would make you feel better? Like, is there anything, is there anyone that could like, is there like someone that could like offer their assistance or like, and I was thinking about it. And really what she was saying was, is there someone that could like hug you? Because when we were getting out that I need comfort and that this is a substitute for a hug and intimacy, whether with myself or others. And I was like, no, because she goes, think about anyone in your life that you'd want to hug you in the middle of it. And I'm like, no one because they're sleeping and I'm a burden and I don't want someone to have to hug me. I don't know why I have

this thing. I don't like when people hug me because I feel like the whole time they're like, when can I stop doing this? This is annoying for me. I don't want to be hugging her. She's a lot and they want to get away. And I know that's not everyone's perception, but it's certainly, i think i'm projecting because i know that when people start going like around me i go i'm never gonna be able to get out of this like i'm great to be here for the next 15 30 minutes to comfort them but they need so much and i can't stay all day i have to go eat three protein bars in my bathroom or what, you know, I have stuff to do.

So do you ever feel that way? You guys, when someone, I don't like getting hugged at all. So I can relate. Why is that? I don't know. I guess my mom didn't hug me enough or something and I never got used to

getting hugs. And so whenever someone else, what's the thought that goes through your head when someone hugs you? Get the fuck off me. There no there's no like they don't really want to be doing this no no it's just like i don't want this to stop i think it just feels gross i don't accept this maybe it's i don't accept the fact that you you'd want to touch me or hug me like i don't accept the uh the warmth of your embrace yeah like i feel like it's it's they feel obligated or it's performative um and i'm jealous of people that can just accept a hug and so i will spoiler

alert do the spoiler alert where's the horn sound succession spoiler alert So in the latest episode, Shiv is deeply wounded about her dad's death. And sorry if you didn't get to it yet, but honestly, I'm not sorry at all. If you are two weeks late in succession, you aren't a fan. And I know some people just haven't watched it. So forget that he dies, even though the whole time you know

he's going to die at some point in these seasons. Actually, I am sorry. Sorry. Okay, so I can't decide if i'm sorry or not honestly i'm flip-flopping i i would probably be pissed if i was someone that like hadn't seen it yet and had planned to i'd be annoyed with me so okay i relate um i want to give you a hug so um she is crying about she has scheduled her grief so she like is such a busy person that um her assistant has gotten her a room at their

office where she can just go into a dark room and just cry during the day which um i think is hilarious and relatable so she goes in this room to like weep quietly there's also another thing she's dealing with but i won't spoil that but i guess but you can guess what it is um so she's crying for two and she's in there and uh she her ex-husband or like soon-to-be ex-husband they're going through a divorce they're separated comes in and she has not told him about the other person she's crying for and um she is crying and um he walks in not knowing she's in there and he's like oh my god and they have just

a very tumultuous like a very contentious relationship at this point and she is just cold to him and he's kind of rude to her and he's always been the one that shows more warmth and she's always been kind of cold and he's like they have kind of like a moment of sweetness and he's like come here and she just like resists it so much and he's like come on please and I almost burst out crying

because the idea that he wanted to comfort her like I could tell that he wanted to it wasn't like I gotta comfort my wife she's hysterical right now it was like I want this more than you do maybe and it was so sweet to me that she got that because i just feel like and i think that people probably give that to me i was even telling anya she's one person that i never mind going to and same with noah brian it's to be seen but noah and and Anya are always great people to go with my life anxieties because they always they seem to enjoy helping me or comforting me or giving me you have to be like okay I'm done talking about this now because I'm like and also point number 47 you're, I'm actually good. I'm all talked out. Yeah, I can recover pretty well from things. But no, I have definitely felt like, you know, I'm so grateful for you guys because I don't know what I would do without some people that I could literally at any time of day dump some stuff on. And even if you don't get to it right away, I know at some point you're going to have a very

thoughtful very compassionate response and same with my girls chat all the girls on there listening you guys are all the same um and always give me lots of love when I need it but um in terms of like hugging though I don't know that I'd want I don't know that I even though I think you'd be okay hugging me, I just feel like it's just, I feel like a burden. And so I need to like kind of work on that because I know Chris Convy, my amazing boyfriend, loves helping me. There's nothing Chris Convy loves more than helping other people and so i do have someone that like get almost gets off on being there for me and yet i still in the middle of the night would feel bad waking him up to be like will you hug me so i don't eat a half a box of kind bars you know like i just would feel weird doing that but i'm gonna try to start doing it i I'm confused on one thing. I'm hearing you say, I don't like hugs because I'm assuming

people do not want to be in that hug with me. And then I'm also hearing, I want a hug. So which is it? Yes. I do want, I want a hug, but I don't want someone to feel like they,

like, I'm just doing this because Nikki needs it. Have you tried assembling a mannequin out of Kind Bars so you wake up in the middle of the night, the Kind Bars can hug you? I'd start eating it. If you feel bad about it hugging you, you can eat it. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, something for you to think about, Nikki.

Maybe it's not like don't use the word someone, but use the specific person. Like if you ever came to me- Tom Womskins. That's what I want. When you come to me and you have a problem or something's bothering you, I would never just like tolerate you.

And I love listening to you and I do love helping you a lot and I do care about like tolerate you. And, you know, I love listening to you and I do love helping you a lot and I do care about you a lot. And I am at a point in my life where I don't have time for friends that I tolerate or any people in my life that I just like put up with. Like I just don't, I've just gotten to a point where my life is now

on the shorter end than the longer end. And I don't want those kind of people in there. Yeah, I guess I have to trust people when they offer comfort that they're not doing it out of obligation and i'm not ever forcing anyone to do anything um if i needed a hug or if i was distressed and you saw it and i didn't ask for a hug, would you, is there any part of you that would feel like hugging me? Yeah. I don't have a problem giving hugs to people. But it also because I have good boundaries with you where I know you would understand if I'm like, I can't be here.

I can't comfort you about this longer than an hour. Like that's all I have to give. I have to get to other things. Like, but I do feel like I have a friend right now who just lost a parent. And I really struggle with that because it's my biggest fear and I just never know what to say

and nothing I say will be good enough. And also I feel like I can't get out of comforting this person. You can't be listening to someone cry about losing their mom on the phone and then go, I have to actually go to the grocery store or like, I need to go work out. Like I can't, I know I can do that. I don't see a way out. I feel very trapped. So I recently, instead of ignoring the person like I used to and just not sending anything, because I know that I can't do that for them. I just wrote a message. It was very hard for me. And this is me. It's so hard for me

comforting my friend who lost a parent. But I wrote to them, I am thinking about you every day, which is true. I love you so much. I can't imagine what you're going through. Just know that I love you. And I did not write. I almost wrote, I'm here for you if you need it. I'm always here. But I did not write that because the truth is, I'm not. I can't handle that person's grief right now. That's great. What's wrong with that?

And I can't handle. That's more than most people would do. It's right right it's like no no does this go hand in hand with with what you were talking about in the first segment and um not feeling good about being average where a part of you feels like you need to help this person find closure and you know just go up to like 100% with what you're doing. Yeah, possibly it's a perfectionist type thing, but it's also, it's that this person, I don't want to leave this person if they're so sad.

And I think that sometimes people can depend on me. I have gotten into situations where people depend on me emotionally too much. And I start to, that's when i shut down and then i become cruel and i will ghost someone because i can't handle hearing about this thing they're going through whether they lost it like i just i don't do well with people's grief and i i think it's because i just feel like it's, what are those sand traps? Yeah, like a sand trap that you get caught in and you'll never get out of.

Have you ever, yeah, quicksand. Have you ever comforted someone when they're losing someone and you just feel like you can't get off the phone and it's never going to be enough? There's no closure to comforting someone with a parent if they lose a parent. Some people are emotional vampires, and that needs to be called. Just like, let's just say it some people really do go through stuff but then there are other people and they might not

have even lost a parent you cannot get off the phone with them for an hour and then you'll say i hate to do this i gotta run i have a thing and they're like yeah really quick one more thing i wanted to ask you about and it's like i've had people like this in my life where they need four warnings before i actually get off the phone those people are emotional vampires don't understand these people i we were watching couples therapy the other night on hulu showtime yeah it's a show where it's a show where couples go and talk to this woman what's her name anya sorry you're taking this up orna orna she is a couple orna couples therapist couples go to

her they like show their whole session it's very fascinating brian i think you'd like this show i'd like to get your thoughts on it um but they you watch these couples like go through all these hard times it's very honest and it's just fascinating anyway a lot of times these couples and i've been in couples therapy too, and Chris and I will just be, we will just get onto something and it's time's up. And I am constantly looking at the time and I am aware that our time is up.

But I know that we, and Chris will know it too. And as soon as she says like, starts having kind of like, you know, maybe putting away her notebook or like kind of like putting, like picking up her phone or whatever to kind of signal this is like wrap it up i instantly go okay well next week we can leave this here let's get to we'll we'll see you next week and i'm like let me get out of your hair i don't ever want to be someplace where someone is where i'm taking

advantage and getting more of their time than the time allotted and there's a couple on the show where she'll like be like our time is up and they'll keep going i could not relate to someone more than if they kicked their dog and they littered on the street like that is the same kind of that's how little i could ever relate to once or if or if you if a store is closing and you go, and five minutes before you show up and you go, are you guys still open? I would never do that. Ever. Because these people don't want to be there anymore. They hate you.

And you're done. Yeah, I used to work in a deli an hour before. Oh, we know. Remember the deli? I used to work in a deli an hour before we closed. We'd clean everything up. And the one thing you would clean is the slicers that slice the meat. And then sometimes people will come in and be like, are the slicers closed?

And we'd say, oh, yeah, we just we just cleaned them. And they're like, but it's only 745 and it's not an hour before you close. And they make us put the slicers back together and slice the meat. And if you think you're getting good sliced meat at that point, you have your fucking mind. I just don't want to be somewhere that someone doesn't want me. And that's why I don't even like sometimes going on people's podcasts. This comes back to the podcast thing. I don't like going on people's podcasts because I know sometimes their booker booked me.

And they really don't even want to be interviewing me. They don't want to do research on me. They don't have any interest in talking to me. It's just an obligation and it makes me want to jump out of my skin. Whereas some people are like, I deserve to be here. I'm a cool person. You should be lucky you're talking to me. I wish I could be like that sometimes you just don't feel that way because there's a lot of situations where you're like a a pleasure like people are like would love to have you you having you there is like a great uh uh what's the word a great uh boon yeah like if you do someone's if you did someone's like random show, that would be like an amazing like get for them.

You don't feel good about that? Well, when I'm a good get, but when it's someone who's a little bit more famous than me and I realize like reading about me would be that like I've had to prepare for people that I'm like, who is this? Like I don't ever want to be a burden for someone. I was thinking I couldn't relate to you. And then I was like i couldn't relate to you and then i was like i do relate if there's a party and there's a guitar and someone out of let's say there's a 15 person party and one of the people goes anya will you play a song please i'm in hell because i'm like i guarantee not all of these 15 people want to be hijacked by a chick with their guitar. And I don't even want to play.

And I'm just like, ugh. Like if all 15 were like, yes, please, we're fans. Play this one song. I might get into it. But that to me is hell. And that's when I start assuming things that I don't know to be true. And that's what you're doing.

You're creating an assumption in your mind and you're believing it they don't want me here but that's a story yes that's a depressed right person's story person's outlook that's that's what I'm dealing with right now so then I went to that voice lesson after my my uh therapy and I knew he wouldn't make me sing because I was just not I was just like on the brink of crying every two seconds and just feeling like I'm just average I don't want to be and you can't lie to me anymore and say that I'm special and he was just like what are you talking about but he just talked to me about I love your impression he said something that really resonated with me Anya met him Anya and I went to a voice lesson with him. He's so cool. He was so nice.

Yeah. He's the best. You can't convince a depressed person that things are good. How long have you been depressed for? Not in total. This week is about a week. About a week. Because depression comes in waves. It's like you have a cold. You're just depressed for a while.

At a certain point, your brain's going to be like, what the fuck am i doing yeah it's gonna fade away yeah yes and it it totally happens like that you just wake up one morning you're like i'm not sick anymore like it's it really is i wish it was looked at as like a cold because everyone seems to get on board with people just coming down with something and being kind of like not the greatest to be around yeah but when you're depressed it's just like no what do you have to be depressed about it's like i don't know my brain caught a disease it's just in that state this week and i know it's not true and yeah i mean

it's not as bad as it usually gets i'm like usually pretty catatonic and really like mean and making everyone around me completely miserable and i've tried not to do that this time but it's you know i'm a little bit better about it um and but um when you're sick you can wear a scarf and you could have tea and then yes sniffles and everyone's like oh that person's sick when you're depressed it's not like you can dress emo and start walking around with like my face looks fucked when i'm depressed though like everything that's why i'm wearing sunglasses today my eyes are puffy not from crying just from like being sad and like everything on my face is kind of pulled down i've been sleeping too much so my face is like pillow indents in it and like i just you know when i'm depressed my dreams are a vacation they're like

you know nick griffin joke like sleeping is or naps are many suicides like you just get to like disappear and i love sleeping when i'm depressed i love it it's like this dream world where everything can happen there's all these possibilities i'm not myself and um yeah it's just but i realized from reading all of my suicide books, I am not alone with feeling this way. And there are many people out there. It's like half of people struggle with suicidal tendencies. Half. That's a statistic.

About like one tenth of people attempt it. And only one out of those ten actually. Like, it's like, this is a very common thing. It's like the same number of people who make it into the nba i would say more people kill themselves and make it in the nba every year i think it's like the suicide rate is fucking insane and it's it's never something i'm gonna do in it but it is something that i it's almost like saying i just i know that my parachute is to open on the way down but i'd like to have that little extra one that i'm never going to pull just in case like it just isn't out in case it gets too bad you know like even though i would never do it i'm never gonna why would i open that pair of

little mini parachute when i got my um uh knowing that i'd regret it right away because everyone that does regrets it right away. The fact that there is no proof that this life is going to get better once I do it. Like, it's like you're trying my, a lot of people commit suicide or want to commit suicide because they want to, they want to punish everyone around them.

They want to show everyone something. It's like a you know he actually covers it in this book called how to not kill yourself it's a very fascinating book and i do recommend it to anyone who's uh maybe thought about it or like just interested in the subject of it and it's actually he's making an argument for not doing it but um a lot of people do it to go fuck you mom and dad or like this is um mine my desire to do it i don't think about oh he kind of compares those people that think if you think about what your funeral is going to look like when you're dead and like how everyone's going to be crying and all that stuff you're one

of those people that's doing this for revenge and to like hurt people and maybe not because you're so hurt i mean it's all about that. Mine is I can't keep doing that. It's just I'm exhausted. It's like when you are running, when you have a goal in mind to run four miles and you're in mile one and you go, how the fuck am I going to do three more? I mean, this is just something I relate to because I've always had the goal of four miles. And I know I can do the four miles. I've done it before. I did it yesterday. And you just go, how am I going to do it? You just think it never ends.

That's why I don't want kids because kids never end. At least if I'm in the middle of shooting FBoy Island, which is coming up and I'm very excited about, reason to live. If I'm shooting FBoy Island and it's a really hard shoot, there is an end to it in sight. It's three weeks away. It's three weeks away. It's eight weeks away. Kids, it's 18 years. I myself am not strong enough to sign up for something that is endless like that.

Yeah, 18 years. Even with marriage, there's a divorce. And they want to move back in your house or they want to take your money or they shoot you. Yes. I went dark. So I have to say to people that have kids, I think you are, no, you're absolutely right.

They can become completely dependent on you. You do crossfit. And they're really, they say 18 years old is like the cutoff, but most parents do not cut off their kids at 18. They're not like heartless banks. You know, like this is, there is like,

it goes beyond that. And so I really give it up to parents for taking that chance that you are going to have to do. You're committing to something that will never end for you. Even after you are always a parent, you are always going to love something so much and worry about something so much and have to stick around for something so much. So before we go to break, mine is just like i just am too tired and like i can't do this anymore and it's too pain like you want the pain to stop so there's those are the two different kinds but i would never do it because i read something last night and it's like i am pretty certain there's not an afterlife i feel like your spirit like might live on in some kind of like realm or

something. I don't think that it's like, I keep living and like walking around in the clouds with other people. But I, there's no guarantee that it's going to be better. I might just be signing up for a shittier version of life. And like the one I have is by all accounts, extremely good.

Like compared to that guy.'s stabbing the air. Yeah. Yeah. I could have been him. I'm very lucky. And I always realized that I've never once thought I want to die and then not been able to get over that feeling and be able to not relate to that feeling at all.

There always is a moment where i won't relate to the feeling that feeling might come back but i always will get over it and so it never it isn't lasting forever so that really is what stops me is that this can be a little fantasy of mine but it's never going to be something i do um because i would never again i would never commit to something that lasts forever and suicide is forever much like kids committing suicide or it's called what is it called now

murdering yourself or taking your dying by suicide because you're not supposed to make it like they did something they can't help that they kill themselves no one would want to do that so it's not their fault but what I got to is the same reason I don't want to have kids is the same reason i don't want to kill myself i don't want to do anything that is forever that i might regret yeah they should do like a love is blind where it's like but it's

death is mute and at the end you have to decide whether or not you're going to kill yourself wait death is mute yeah like instead of deciding you're gonna marry to someone you're just talking into a mirror for six weeks and then at the end you decide whether or not you're going to marry to someone and you're just talking into a mirror for six weeks. And then at the end you decide whether or not you're going to kill yourself. Oh my God. I love this. It's like squid game. Yeah. Brilliant.

Death is mute. Okay. But why death is mute? Well, cause like love is blind. I'm just trying to change the word. Right. Yeah.

Okay. I see what you're doing there. Let's, um, let's talk more about this or maybe less when we get back to this. John Stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature Let's talk more about this or maybe less when we get back to this. joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise raise awareness and we want this to stop wow very powerful i'm ellie flynn and i'm an investigative journalist when a group of models from the uk wanted my help i went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry i really wanted to be a player boy in my dog. Lingerie, topless.

I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in.

It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction.

Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. When you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened. And I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours. Stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community.

And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica.

And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Historically, men talk too much. And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women,

then this is your tribe. With guests like Corinne Steffens. I've never seen so many women protect predatory men. And then me stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. With guests like Corinne Stephens. I've never seen so many women protect predatory men. And then me too happened. And then everybody else wanted to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade, and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like, oh dad, all they were doing was talking about your thing in class.

I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And Slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money like i feel the moisture between my legs when a man sends me money i'm like oh my god it's go time you actually sent it listen to the good mom's bad choices podcast every wednesday on the black effect podcast network the iheart Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. So then I went to this. So to wrap this up, because come on, Nick, I went to the voice lesson yesterday and he was just he said to me because I was talking about all these, you know, I don't know what

I want to do with my career anymore because I got to be honest with you. All the things I think I want, I don't really want to do to do with my career anymore because I got to be honest with you, all the things I think I want, I don't really want to do all the things it takes to get that. You know, like sometimes I watch Succession, I'm like, I should do a show like Succession. Do you know what that takes? Do you know how hard it is? First of all, you have to pitch a show to like eight networks.

And when you go pitch a show, which is one of the most annoying processes ever, you have to go sit on Zoom with a bunch of executives and then pitch a show. And then they have to ask questions afterwards. And not only do you have to pitch a show, you have to practice pitching the show before the show. So for every meeting you have to pitch it, you have to practice and pitch it to fake people with the people that you're pitching with and then you go in and it's it's i know this doesn't sound that bad it's the thing i hate more than anything in the world and i've pitched you know hundreds i've been maybe dozens of pitch meetings in my life and um and then you have to write it and then you have to deal with the network giving you notes and then you got to rewrite it and you got to take out

stuff you really loved because the network doesn't feel like that's really what they want so few people have a louis ck 2015 deal where you get to do whatever you want and the network doesn't bother you that literally has never happened so anything that you think you're going to make ends up being bastardized and uh with tons of other voices then you gotta go make it and you gotta sit in a trailer all day and it's like i realized that um you know i've talked about this before i'm someone who always wants things that i like that i i just want the thing i don't want to do the work that gets to it and i also want things that i actually don't want i just want to be someone who would want them you know like i want i wish i i i really

wish i threw dinner parties yes and i cooked yes same but i don't like any of the things that that entails you don't like care about cooking you don't want to talk to the people when they get there i don't want to hug them when they walk in the door you don't want to leave when i'm ready for them to leave i don't want them to i don't nikki knows how to set up a good hang yeah you are good i love setting up hangs i love ordering from places to like everyone eat like i love putting together a postmates order yeah what when we were in palm springs together on the girls trip one of the highlight meals what was like all the stuff you picked from whole foods like all the sushi and stuff and you and saral Lena set it up together?

Yes, and Sarah Lena set the plates because she made it look nice. I would have just had us eating out of the things, but I wish, I looked at Sarah Lena doing that, and I was like, I wish I was good at that. It's like, but I'm not. Why do I want to be good at something? I don't like doing that.

She likes doing it. You gotta love the process, whatever. There are things you love doing, and you do them over and over again. And you have to not look at the outcome. You have to look at the doing it, which is like life. You have to enjoy the process. The doing it is what brings you joy.

You love getting on stage and doing stand-up. That's why you do it over and over and over again. Yes. I like writing jokes. I like coming up with funny ways to present to synthesize a bigger idea i like to make it in a like small little package i like getting those laughs yes i enjoy that process but there's so many things i want in life where i don't enjoy any of the process and i keep hitting these walls of like i want this but then i think about it and i'm like

what if i started from a place of and i shared this on the girls chat because Michael Rocchio, my teacher helped me get to it. What if you focus on the things that you actually like doing? Like what interests you? Like not things that can make you money that you like doing. What do you like? What do you enjoy doing now? And also what, um, what brings you joy? And then also what are you good at? Like, what are you joy? And then also, what are you good at? Like, what are you just naturally inclined to do? Make a list of both of those things. See if any of them overlap because quite often they do.

We like doing things we're good at. We are good at things that we like doing because you're not judging it as much because you're enjoying it. So it's enjoyable. And you don't put pressure on yourself. So you're probably good at it because putting pressure on yourself

gets in the way of actual merit, I think, a lot of times. And so you're probably good at the thing. And then do that. And I know a lot of people are like, well, I have to do administrative work for my job. I can't always just, not everyone can do what they love. But I mean, even in your free time, just do things that make you happy and stop feeling bad about the things you like. That's the purpose.

Yes. Wait, what do you mean? I think that is what you're saying, I think is what therapists say is purpose. Like find your purpose. Find the things that are not like money-driven, just things that make you happy. And it could be anything.

I just think it's the word purpose that catches me. Because it's like when you say purpose, it's like some grand thing. When it really is like, oh, just figure out what it is you want to do and do it. Because that's all that matters. Because nothing you do actually matters. But when you call it a purpose, it's like God has bestowed this meaning on you. It's so true, Brian. It means that it's something you're giving to the world,

that you're trying to make the world a better, that you do make the world a better place, whether others enjoy what you do or, you know, you're not taking from the world. Yes. And that is purpose. I hate people who just consume. Yeah.

And sometimes I'm one of those people. Well, no, but you give back. But there are some people who just their whole lives is just eating and doing and never never do never providing that's why i say why are those people what gets those people out of bed in the morning they're fucking happy why it is happy going to costa rica and they don't create anything they don't put anything out there like how could your life be happy i get mad because i see people whose lives to me look like shit and they're happy and i'm like why am i not happy when i am doing purpose-driven work

what what is the disconnect i wish and i think ignorance is bliss i mean some of those people just aren't intelligent and that's like not that's not me being like i'm so smart because i'm very lacking in intelligence it's uh it's embarrassing sometimes how dumb i can be um so that's not a it's just a fact some people are less intelligent and so they just maybe that's it i just, I am trying. So then anyway, my teacher said, no one gets out of this alive. Because I was talking about how I think the real thing that prevents me from doing the things I really want to do

is the judgment of others. Whether it's people in the Reddit thread about me. I know there is a subreddit that constantly critiques and goes over what is going on with me. There's going to be a whole fucking post about this episode for sure. She's suffering. She's doing judgment. There's all of the...

And I also, as someone who critiques Taylor Swift's emotional state all the time and and i i also as someone who critiques taylor swift's emotional state all the time and thinks i know things like i feel really bad even contributing to that because it's just so shitty to have people talking about you behind your back and like worrying about you and like and they don't even know you and fake worrying, like not really worrying, just being judgmental. But I so often just worry what people are going to think about me all the time. And even John Mulaney's special where he said, so much of his special was about

caring what other people think of him. And it's such an ugly place to live from. And I just don't want to do it anymore. But at the same time you if you live a life of not caring what anyone thinks you're gonna be a piece of shit you know like you're gonna you're gonna just do everything you want to do and not care about anyone else so where where's the happy medium because my teacher really got into my head about like no one anyone who could judge you is gonna die someday their opinion

doesn't matter every nothing no opinion about you is anything more than just this thing that's gonna not exist someday so it doesn't matter it's nothing's gonna last it's like your legacy will be you will not be remembered just like everyone else and everyone who has an opinion about you will be dead and that gives me comfort sometimes but i wish i was someone that didn't care what people thought and could just do what i want but i guess i care what i think you know i think that's what stops me is that i think some of the things that i enjoy doing are really lame and i look at it and I go God she is just so cringe like what's the cringe stuff you know like my ideal world would be like

anytime I had a thought about Taylor Swift I would make a TikTok about it and be like and then this song really like I would do a podcast about every song of hers and offer my analysis and critique on it and how it emotionally like lights me up inside and I would

that's what i would do why is that i don't do it because because i'm 39 in one month you're living a world where there's a lot of 39 year olds doing that when i was 39 that was not cool but we live in a new world now where that is totally acceptable and and financially lucrative as well yeah i also don't okay i would maybe post more videos on instagram just like funny things but i i look i that would require me to put on makeup to make myself look good enough for myself you know like i i don't like when i don't look good and so that's do you know how much content I don't put out because I'm just not wearing a cute outfit or because I just don't my makeup isn't I look ugly that day it's like innumerable the amount of stuff I can't even

imagine the content I left on the floor because I just don't look good in a photo or I don't you know and that makes me so sad because if I didn't if I really didn't care what I thought about myself and what others thought about myself I could do so much more it's holding me back so much so I want to do an experiment where I don't care what anyone thinks at all ever but then I'm also like do I really want that because then I'd just be a complete piece of shit. Because me caring about what other people think is what makes me compassionate and care about others oftentimes. Well, I think there's a difference between operating from a place of fear and operating from a place of authenticity. Like you don't want to be not doing things because you're afraid of judgment. But a lot of the things i would put

out would be to get people to like me more so then if i don't care what people think the the content doesn't exist in the first place do anything from that place like think about rick rubin i would lay in bed all day long and do nothing i like that rick rubin podcast you referred me to with barry weiss honestly because he talks about the thing I've always been afraid of. By the way, you guys were talking about having a purpose. My Irapa is mission. What is your mission? And self-help books always talk about that.

And he said, finally, someone said this, it's not important for a songwriter to want to save the world or help the world i always thought every songwriter that's successful wants to save the world or help humanity he's like no really yeah i always because they always say that in interviews they're like the reason i do this is i just want to connect with people and help people that's why i do this and i'm like that's they say that is inflates their narcissistic why do you do it well i do it because of what rick rubin hit on it he was like you should be doing these things for yourself because you enjoy it and it's like a bonus i mean i'm paraphrasing i don't know exactly what he said but i think that was it because i felt so much relief i was like okay good i'm not

a piece of shit no No, you're not because you're right, Brian. Anyone that says that is kind of lying. And if they do get off on the idea of helping other people, they're still doing it for themselves to feel good. It gives them joy. Nobody's doing anything to help the world.

I don't know about that. No, they're all doing it for themselves. I agree. Ultimately. Otherwise, they wouldn't be doing the process. Yeah, because're all doing it for themselves. I agree. Ultimately. Otherwise, they wouldn't be doing the process. Yeah, because it makes you feel good to help the world. Yeah, it makes them feel good. They're like, I'm helping the world. And then the people who talk in their interviews,

the musicians who are like, I just want my music to touch the people of Africa or whatever the fuck they say, they're lying. They're just saying that because they don't want to say the truth, which is like, I like getting blowjobs and stuff. That's what they want to say.

I like getting blowjobs is what they want to say. They don't want to help the people. Comedians who say they love to make people laugh. Oh, give me a fucking break. Go out of here. Go drive a bus off a bridge. Can I guess why you guys do it? cause I don't know what you're gonna say well yes you do

we've covered this many times John Mulaney said it literally in his special I was gonna guess that you guys do it because you're trying to make sense of the world and you're processing it it's like your therapy oh you need attention

we want people to like us. Yeah, we go, I need someone to look at me. Because when I was a little kid, I was either the youngest child or I was the middle child. And people didn't pay attention to me. Or I got bullied and I had to be. I was the oldest, but yeah. Or whatever it is, they didn't pay attention to you enough. And so the only thing you could do when you were a kid to make you to give yourself any self-worth is to make people laugh and that and now you're just taking that

and putting it on stage because you need that i would be a singer if i was good at sick i tried everything till i got to stand up and i go oh okay i guess i'm good at this i'll do this forever because i didn't have any other talent but all I wanted was to perform and have people watch me and go, wow, she's good. And now I definitely feel amazing when I just met a fan, Talia at Starbucks. And then I met another fan who was my barista, Lauren at Starbucks this morning, and they were thanking me for being so brave and just saying what I wanted and not worrying what other people thought. And that is a huge benefit to the thing that I already do. You know, listen, I'm not sharing about my food, my eating at night, which is humiliating to me and a shameful thing I do. I'm doing that not to, that doesn't make me feel

better, to be honest with you. That wasn't performative. I feel kind of not to, that doesn't make me feel better, to be honest with you. That wasn't performative. I feel kind of sick to my stomach from even sharing that because I know people are going to talk about it and worry about me. And, you know, not everyone, but I think that some people will. And that really grosses me out. And like the whole pity thing, like, oh, she's struggling. She thinks about suicide i do it because i i really do think that there are people out there that struggle with that like me in the past that have never heard someone who they might look up to who has the same thing and that is why i do

it i do do it but i do it for little nikki who used to feel like no one else struggled with the thing she struggles with so it ultimately is a selfish thing because I used to be that and think I'm alone. No one else has this fucking thing. So I do do it for other people because I don't want anyone to ever feel alone like that. But I also do it because I get really good positive feedback from people who say that I do help them and that makes me feel good.

So ultimately it is a selfish endeavor. Final thought. I'm interested in piece of shit, Nikki. I think there should be a safe space where people can go and just be a piece of shit for like an hour

where you can go, there's like a person at, you know, you can go into a fake like a person at, you know, you can go into a fake restaurant and be a piece of shit to the waitress or whatever. You can say, give me a fucking water. And then you can go talk to a doctor or whatever and be a piece of shit to them. And then you could, I think it would be a worthwhile venture

to start a piece of shit safe space. It's called a roast. That's why you guys are comics. that's so called a rose it's called being in your car and having road rage yesterday i had so much road rage wait do you guys hear this i'm gonna play the voice memo i left i had just gotten done sending a message about like you know what I'm just gonna live like you know I don't care what anyone else thinks like life is short and then this is what happened okay this is fucking insane this really happened I was driving down the highway recording this don't worry I just hit a button and I leave it it's like i'm holding up to my face i'm not texting and i was on the highway and i took i was trying to get off an exit and this person wouldn't let

me over seeing me knowing that if i can't go right in front of them i'm gonna miss the exit and have to go to the next one when i want to get off of this one and they purposely sped up so that i didn't go and this is what happened this is what i do so god just let me over you piece of shit wait fuck why did it keep going god everyone's just so good in this town okay so i left my i honked my horn for that was probably seven seconds long like or maybe four seconds long it felt so good to let that person know that they're a piece of shit man that felt good i want to do it again but i just wanted to go around town honking at people

and driving into things I was so upset the other day I had so I don't have road rage but I just wanted to like you know like I was just like

a little bit angry and I wanted to honk at someone and I have never honked the horn of my RAV4 uh oh and when I did it was the lightest

stupidest horn you have a lame hon, it was the lightest, stupidest horn. You have a lame honk. It was like that. At least you have a good horn. Yeah, it was. That was a satisfying horn. It really was. It felt really good to do that.

But it was just so ironic because I had just gotten done being like, and I don't know, I'm just feeling a lot better. And I just feel like I'm just not going to care what people think anymore. And then I was like, what the fuck? You can't fucking get it. It just completely negated everything. Everyone in this town is so cunt. It's so cunt to see someone try to get over and to purposely not let them over.

When all you do is have to like, can everyone, I've stated this before in the podcast when you're driving and no offense to matt i've seen him do this too on the road i see everyone who drives in a car with me do this if someone makes a mistake next to you and needs to get over they've forgotten something just let them over don't like get mad at them for a mistake they made if they're changing lanes and they accidentally go in your lane instead of like honking like crazy just realize they made a mistake they corrected and they don't need to actually like they don't need to keep suffering on top of that and you might say nikki why did you honk at that person because they

purposely saw me and they made it so i couldn't get over. Instead of what I have never once when I've been driving and someone accidentally like gets in my lane or kind of doesn't see me and pulls out too soon. I just slow down and let it happen. I don't like honk to let them know you just pulled out in front of me. They know. They if it's on purpose. Yeah, I might honk. We all know we accidentally you just don't

look one of the ways and you kind of like risk your life sometimes and you go shit i didn't even check it i pulled out they already know they did something wrong don't add to it do you know i'm saying you need that person that makes sense what if that person opened their window while you're honking then and said i'm sorry i've just decided to be a piece of shit today would you accept it i would laugh so hard and love that person so much and i would say well you're doing great i don't know if portland is this way anymore but when i was living there it really is like portlandia and everyone's just so fucking nice and it's like no you don't go you go it's like a pedestrian walking across a fucking highway. And you're like, why are you stopping on a four lane road to let this random pedestrian?

And they're like, because I'm nice. Go ahead. It's like, no, you're going to kill this person. Can't handle it. There's the opposite is true, too. Like too many nice people driving. When I'm trying to jaywalk and not in like a dangerous way, I'm waiting for like and someone just stops in the middle of the road to let me go and go this isn't a crosswalk i'm doing the illegal thing don't you slow down for me and then i have to like kind of do that run in

front of their car and like bring my gate to a run and i don't want any of it it's just like just keep everyone follow the rules and if someone makes a mistake just let them make a mistake and don't comment on it like we all the only person that could ever honk at someone for making a mistake is someone who never makes mistakes and if you're that kind of driver where you've never once pulled out accidentally too soon or you've accidentally changed lanes and you didn't see someone in your periphery and they and you almost hit them just everyone's done it so when someone does it to you just slow down let them change the lane right in front of you

where they almost hit you you saw them thank god you get to slow down just let them in and don't turn it into a whole thing where you are so put out and I'm talking to men men drivers there are there are time down about other people there are times worthy of a honk like if someone is fast and furious speeding and they cut you off that's worthy of

a honk if somebody no they're gone before they even hear it i know but you got those people that are going like men are having relationships with everyone on the road i don't understand yes that guy hates me fuck you i hate you too that lady hates me they don't hate you they just accidentally changed lanes without looking and they are stupid

but you like some sometimes they I'll be with a guy and they'll speed up to like make it more confusing for them

and it's like just let stupid people be stupid and kind of navigate around them because you're smart and you don't need to like lay on to it if that makes sense you know what I hate

when someone's behind me we're in like traffic on the highway and someone's behind me and they think I'm going too slow and then they they go out of their way to go into the next lane and then get in front of me and then they're just in front of me also slow because it's traffic and so I go oh great

you're up there now in front of me also slow because it's traffic. And so I go, oh, great. You're up there now in front of me. And so what I usually do is I try to get back in front of them. And then this is the whole war happens. This is what I'm saying. Just let it go. No, I can't let them go. I can't let them be in front of me. Because they have insulted me.

They think I have a little boy. Right. Have you ever had someone prove anything to you on the road? Have you ever as a driver had made a mistake and then gone, wow, that guy really set me straight and I'm going to lead a different life and I'm going to go home and I'm not going to beat my kids. I am going to feed my dog. It never amounts to anything good.

I believe if I honk long enough and loud enough, I am saving children. Yes. Well, I do believe me honking yesterday at that guy. It was funny to me because it just went on way longer than it needed to, so there was no way it didn't just make them kind of go, like, get confused. What was that, Noah?

I said it gave us a great voicemail. Oh, yeah, that's true. Oh, and I didn't even get to FanThrex. What the fuck is wrong with me? Well, we had FanThrex to get to. We're going to save it for next week. We'll see you then. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We'll see you in Europe next week. Very

exciting. Thank you for listening. Don't be cut. And just let the person change lanes in front of you and don't look at them. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners,

like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations.

From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that'll resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is gonna be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.