The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #35 Get That Condition

Episode Date: May 20, 2021

Between You and Nikki she had a great dinner with her former Dancing With The Stars partner Gleb Savchenko and practiced honesty. Since honesty is the name of the game, Nikki and Andrew discuss being it stage and broaching taboo subjects. You Heard It Here First; falling asleep in an autonomous car, sabotaging opportunities and clickbait headlines. A tension inducing Finish My Sentence and in the Final Thought Nikki tells Andrew he hasn't been taking her subtle hints and Andrew tells Nikki about his fear for today. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF,

and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions

on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry.

I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council.

Hey, you guys. I'm Catherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm competing in some of the world's most notorious racing event tune into my new podcast throttle therapy with katherine legg an i heart women's sports production in partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment you can find

us on the i heart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast presented by elf beauty founding partner of i heart women Women's Sports. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello. Good, good day. Is it morning?

I don't even know anymore. When are you listening to this? Hi, besties. Hi, Noah. Hey. Good morning. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Whatever day. Good afternoon. It looks like we're so official. Hi, Besties. from a studio when we get back to St. Louis. We are going to have a video on the podcast real soon. But we appreciate everyone being real patient with that

because I know you like to consume podcasts on YouTube. A lot of you are like, it's not on YouTube. And if it's not on there, like they can't, they just are like, I don't know where to find it. I'm like, I can't help you, man. And I'm just, you know what? In my life with things like this, I'm just taking my time. You know, like there's

no, it's been so nice getting the podcast studio together because we have no deadline. We're just like, when it gets ready, we'll sit down, start shooting it. And then we'll have video. There's no rush. Let's all just like, calm down. You know, let's all just like, if you're like, think about all the things we're like, I have to do this by this time it's always like everything can we can always kind of wait that's what I'm always like when you you never you know when you have a deadline for something and then no I know you felt this way before when you like let's say uh you have to have a like an email sent to iHeartRadio about some promotional thing we're doing or something and you have and they're like hey have it by Friday or whatever and you get it

you send it like end of day Friday and then you don't even hear something back until like people don't even read it on Friday like it's there can always be no one's nothing's really pressing everything can kind of wait. Unless you're like working in like the government and like people's lives depend on it, then you can really take your time because what's the hurry? Those people are just so removed from you. But like, you know, things can always, I think so much of my life has been wasted going like, but we, we need to, like the other night I was running late for dinner.

Um, with, uh, David Spade name drop, but he is one of my closest friends, which is, I will brag about it that all the time. Cause it's one of my greatest life achievements is being like actually

friends with David Spade. Not in a way that I go, Oh, I'm friends with Jennifer Lawrence. Like back when I was friends with Jennifer Lawrence, another name drop, I was, we don't talk anymore. and it's not because we like

had a falling out it's just like you know she changed her number and uh she's not accepting my faxes anymore and uh I you know never mind uh I write her on Venmo just kidding um you know like when I say I'm friends with people sometimes it's like acquaintances I was friends with Jennifer Lawrence that's a bad example but we're not anymore no falling out but David Spade like he's I think he's one of my close friends like I have it's it's it's wild and sometimes I um you're always listening to a voice message from him so funny I listen to them like in front of people not to show off but to show off no no no because he leaves voice memos and then you either have to famous people communicating voice memos and um drug dealers apparently connect talking voice memos

i was talking to las culturistas about it which by the way gotta check out that podcast i was on with las culturistas matt rogers and bowen yang it's uh same podcast network that we're on so um but I'm not even telling they are so funny and good if you like this show and you're very much into pop culture they are too you if you like me you obviously like a fast-talking bitch and those two are fast-talking bitches they just like they have hilarious things to say they they dissect pop culture and uh in a way that I you know they were talking at the top of the show, kind of like I do, like I was just sitting back and watching them. And I was like, I can't believe how funny this is. I was like watching and it was funny because they didn't,

they hadn't invited me in yet. And I was just watching and they could see through zoom that I was like, you know, gasping and being like, Oh my God. And like laughing. Like it was, it was so interactive. It's a great show. And then we really get it. If you're a Swifty or, or even if you're not a Swifty, just get into some really interesting topics a lot of people have written me because it dropped today about it that are fans of that show and have never heard of me and they're like who are you this is amazing and I was like you gotta check out Nagi Laser Podcast because if you liked that you'll like this so therefore if you like this you're gonna like that um yeah we were talking about voice memos and

i find them very easy to send because sometimes i dictate into my phone of like hey noah can you let in the covet test guy period just he knows he can park in the garage period thank you so much exclamation mark you know and then and that's a voice memo like sometimes i actually forget that i'm not doing the dictate but um voice memos are good the problem with voice memos is though don't leave a long one I was at dinner with a friend I was at dinner with Gleb last night uh Gleb Sevchenko uh my former dance partner it was so much fun I'll get into that in a second as much as I can um just because of time, not because of, there's so many like private things about it. But we were talking last night

that he like got a voice memo, one of those. And if you're on, if you don't know anything of what I'm talking about, you can on iMessage on your iPhone, you can leave a voice thing and just record and then the person on the other end plays it and then it disappears eventually. I think you can listen to it one or two times and then it disappears which is why i think drug dealers and celebrities use it because it's not permanent no screenshots you could screen record and you

could listen to it in front of your podcast producer noah sorry david uh but i um he got a five and a half minute one from a girl and he was like i can't listen to this because when you have the voice memo up you can't go back and forth in it yes you and if you give up in three minutes because you want to go look at instagram while you're listening to this it starts over and then you just have to listen to all of it again so that's a that's an error so send voice messages if they're under a minute for sure i find it a good way to communicate. My point was I was running late for dinner with David Spade the other day. And I don't like being a late person when I say I'm going to be late when I'm going to dinner with someone, especially someone that he like

picked out the place. It was like I had given myself, I just didn't want to be late to dinner for my friend. And I was kind of like getting annoyed at my friends who are taking a while to get ready. I'm like, we have to be there because I move like, I know exactly when we'll need to go. And I leave no buffer zone for us to be exactly on time. So when my friend, when I'm like, we're leaving in five minutes, that doesn't mean eight, that means five, or we're going to be late. So I was annoyed the other night, but then we were late. And then I was like, I was late to dinner with Glubb last night too. But here's the thing I do. Complete honesty, which is what I practice.

I say how late I'm going to be to the minute. You're so good at that, by the way. I told Glubb, I go, I know we said 830. Glubb, it's going to be 845. I got stuck talking to Nate Bargatze about tour buses for my tour, which I might be getting a tour bus. It's so much money, but it's apparently so worth it. It's so fun. So I got stuck in my buses and I go club. I didn't tell him about why, but I go, I got stuck up, held up at the show

going to be eight 45. And then I get an Uber and it says eight 51. And I go, we're looking at eight 53 and he went with LOL, but I'm not going say 8.55, it's gonna be 8.53. I'm not gonna say 8.50, it's gonna be 8.53. It's 8.53. And it was 8.51 and I showed up. And yeah, I always give exact numbers, but I can always pretty much, I think it's from being on stage so much

and knowing what time is what, like knowing what eight minutes is, knowing what four minutes is, knowing what a two minute light, I can kind of get it down to the right number last night at dinner with club was so fun we like we haven't spent that much time together since 2018 I think we had one meal together since then and it just wasn't we weren't as like let's spill all the tea we just got real like I got to just have all my like questions answered especially about all the drama surrounding him and this past season let me just say this to everyone to anyone

who's reading headlines it's not what you think this is what I realized I thought I knew all about my friend Gleb from reading headlines and I was able to take those headlines and go I know what's really going on here there's probably some truth to this and it's probably worse than what it is. I was completely wrong. The real story, if Gleb's telling me the truth, which I think it is, is completely different than what the media has led on. So it made me question, I invest a lot of time in people's relationships who's cheating on who or oh who's dating who who got snapped with who it's all fucking fake and I'll reveal more of why I know it's fake in the future but just let me tell you that it's all plant it's all bad press is good

press and people like to create things. Sometimes you'll go, why would that person want that story out there? And it's like, because no one's talking about them and bad is better than good. That's not his case, but I just know I can't wait to tell you guys something that I did last night. It does not involve anything sexual. I want to be clear about that, but I hope in the future, I can reveal what happened to my besties. And by the way, I didn't say it yesterday on the show. During my MTV monologue, they took kuh out. I did say a very strong kuh. If you watch my MTV monologue, I talk about guys who say they never watched The Bachelor. I've never seen a single

episode of The Bachelor. And in the monologue, you could see where they cut. And I go, kuh, a strong kuh. An editor must have been like, did she have an aneurysm just now? What is that sound? Because I always question, do people know, does the sound kuh just explain itself? Or would it be confusing to people who don't know?

Like would people go, oh, that kind of actually sounds like the sound you'd make after saying. I think if you say it confidently enough, they would feel like, oh, that is a word that I should know, but I don't. But I don't, you know, like I feel kind of bad asking. Yes. There's a new word that I just learned that people are using. What the fuck is it? That I was like, that's a fun new word.

Someone was talking about brit someone did a british slang the other day mutton dressed as lamb is a british thing that I like if a girl is like usually dressed like disgusting like you know it's kind of grubby and then all of a sudden she's really dressed up and go that's mutton dressed as lamb like that ain't it's kind of like uh monet from uh clueless we reference Clueless a lot on this podcast she's a real Monet what's that she looks good from far away when you get up close it's a whole big mess that's rude and it's slut shaming no it's not really slut shaming I sometimes feel like a Monet I mean everyone is you ever look at yourself in a close-up mirror god damn it

everyone are people having body dysmorphia from the fact that their skin is airbrushed in every photo and then they look in the mirror and mirrors aren't airbrushed because i see some girls who put up post pictures men too who put up pictures where it's so filtered and i go this person must want to kill themselves when they look in the mirror because they're presenting this it's almost like a joke like i expect the caption to be like this is my this I just woke up like this like it's so overly filtered yeah the plastic surgery industry is doing real good from all the zoom conference calls and all the beautifying filters they're saying the plastic surgery has gone up because you need to match the picture they bring in is no longer Angelina Jolie it's like this is me on zoom can you make me look like I look on zoom I I put that knob all the way down I don't want

any touch-ups on anything I want the honest honesty unless you know I'm doing a like a tv thing but even then I didn't do it for Fallon I didn't touch up my thing shoulda Maybe my nipple would have been less. It would have looked 14 years old when my nipple flew out. It did. It didn't fly out. Thank God. We have so much to talk about on the show today. Great news stories. We're going to do a finish my sentence that might lead to Andrew and I, you know, having awkward tension around the house for the rest of the day, which is the best version of finish my sentence. We'll see how it goes. I came up with a good one and let's start the news. Let's get Andrew down here. How about it?

Noah? That's good. Andrew. Jon Stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and podcast dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended

interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts good people what's up it's questo quest love and uh team supreme and i've been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of quest love supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss now one of the things i love about this Quest Love Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements, some people you've

seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and they paved the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture this season we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations like i'm pete bill chatting up with hit maker sam holland sugar steve chatting with the legend nick low and i've had pleasures doing one-on-one conversations with willow sonata matreya kathleen hannah and the rizza these are conversations you won't hear anywhere else. So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model.

Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated.

Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery.

The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music.

I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council.

All righty. Hey, Andrew. Good morning, LA. Remember that from Good Morning Vietnam? No, I never saw it. Okay, I'm just gonna say it's a good movie. I'm sure.

There's a lot of movies. I haven't even seen Back to the Future yet and I know that is not okay. Why do people get so angry when they find out you haven't seen a movie that they love?

Because it means so much to you. Like last night I got upset at, oh, I got upset at Connor last night because he hadn't seen The End of Nanette. That was a dumb thing to get upset about but still like,

yeah. Okay, what are your what what are like three of the movies that you can i mean we're doing top one bottom one no like if people haven't seen them that i go no like you have to see jurassic park okay when people haven't seen that i just go and there are a lot of people i know that haven't seen that because they're young you know and they were too young when it came out and so that makes sense i know that they're that's why i haven't seen back to the future i was like young when it came i was a baby when it came out um uh oh god i made my friend watch you've got mail but i yeah like uh oh yeah you've got mail harry met sally when harry, for sure. I mean, these are just my favorite movies, but like... Someone got mad at me because I'm a comic and I never saw Young Frankenstein. And it's almost like, on their part, to be like,

you've never seen this older movie that's like a legend? Yeah. That's like really what comedy is. That one gets brought up a lot but blazing saddles i have seen blazing saddles but like or like um the life of brian or like monty python those kinds of things people are often like how have you never seen it it's like because it doesn't hold up i know that certain parts do but like why you know emil had never seen friends that to me i was like never one

episode you got to watch one episode of friends that just to grasp the cultural you know touchstone that was friends because you guys were doing a photo session out here by this fountain with an umbrella and i go you should have done the intro to friends and he goes i don't know what that is and i was like i understand you're young i'm not gonna give you shit about it but you should just watch one episode of friends seinfeld for me when people haven't seen seinfeld you can't get away with that you hadn't seen seinfeld really and that's just because you hadn't seen it you know like that happens but you need to fix it my grandma my grandma thelma would watch seinfeld every day you know because it came on at like 4 p.m and she would she had bad hearing so she put

on these like special and it would be don't like she just sit right in front of tv and love fucking seinfeld so much and it'd be like her whole day my grandma and grandpa got into seinfeld in their like the end of their life too and loved it and it was just one of those things that was like yeah they're cool they get seinfeld isn't it awesome when you see parents just laughing? Just saying, you're like, oh, they laugh. They're human. I don't know. I think we talked about this before,

but seeing my mom laugh at something about Mary was one of the best things ever. That's another movie that I definitely recommend people seeing. But some of that movie wouldn't even be okay nowadays. Oh, yeah. definitely recommend people seeing but some of that movie wouldn't even be okay nowadays oh yeah they were definitely making fun of uh handicapped kids yeah yeah but it was like i honestly thought the way they handled the handicapped her brother that was special needs was like sweet i thought so too and like i i mean matt dylan's character he's like i mean he was the fun that was one of the funniest characters ever.

But it's funny because like the truth about it is that people do make fun of people. And it was like showing how people might make fun of someone like that. And yes, we all laugh at the jokes that he made. But it's like, I don't know. It's just like when you can't make fun of things anymore and then you can't even address that people might make fun of it you're in denial because then people are doing it behind closed doors it's like the way i feel about rape and molestation if you don't talk about it the people like if you don't make jokes about it it's taking it's taking the subject and it's making it you're not you're not making it uh i don't know how to

describe it micah fox and i got into this discussion about it. Like you got to talk about these things. It's not an excuse for comedians to be like, I want to make jokes about whatever I want and hurt people that have been victimized by it. It's like, you got to talk about what is actually happening behind closed doors, even though it's uncomfortable because it'll keep happening behind closed doors.

If we don't, I guess just, it just has to be funny. I guess that's what people always say. It's gotta be funny. Like, yeah. I mean, just it just has to be funny i guess that's what people always say it's got to be funny like yeah i mean i listened to this podcast about molestation called um hunting warhead that what's that about it's about it's such a good podcast oh my god but listen to it after this it is i mean it's devastating it's a it's like a serialized one that's like a about a guy that went after a pedophile like a child sex abuse images

aka child pornography um the dark web he saw like a ring of people and he tried to like infiltrate it and bring these people to justice and figure it out like what is happening and it just gets into like how this happens how how sex is traded on the dark web. It's so much worse than anyone thinks. And it wasn't, I like stuff like that because I'm weird. Like I like hearing about disturbing things. I don't know why it's not because I'm like getting off on it. It's like, I don't, I'm not, I don't have kids. I mean, I have niece and nephew and it made me horrified for them, but I was able to now take what i learned from that podcast which most people want to expose themselves to because it's too painful to hear

what happens to children and how much it's happening and i was able to take that and bring it on stage and do a joke last night i was finally able to crack a joke last night about molestation that only one person left i saw because they were maybe triggered left. They got up, they might've had to go to the bathroom, but it might've been someone that was molested and was like, I don't want to hear this girl talk about molestation. But my whole point was no one got like mad because I go, I have not been molested,

but I want to share what I know. I go, I'm telling you all don't trust anyone to be alone with your children. And I know not everyone has the privilege to do this, but what I learned from hunting warhead, don't trust anyone to be alone with your children unless you have been alone with that person as a child so that's okay so maybe your your parents so many people though I know I'm just saying you can you can do that but I'm just saying do it cautiously don't ever

fully trust someone you haven't been around as a child so like I'm just telling you because people you think that could that's why I do the joke as like my sister said it was okay for me to take a shower with my nephew and i go lauren no and she goes why and i'm like what if i molest him and she goes are you and i go you don't know that i won't like you've never actually my sister has been alone with me as a child and knows that i'm not into little girls yeah but she was two years younger it wasn't i know but that i mean that happens too like i that's true but like you know she knew enough of me not that i wouldn't do it but the truth is there are molesters out there that present like i do and like you wouldn't know i'm just telling you guys i know it's just dark the one thing i learned from it that i said on the and people

just need to know this like i'm sorry that you don't if you don't want to hear this but if you have children people this this guy on this this thing was like a trusted relative a sweet cousin that would like like teach the kids how to swim no signs of being any kind of like weird pervert was able to generate sex abuse images that were traded on the dark web and still are traded on the dark web even after he was caught for them because he was caught by the images not because he was caught making the images in 10 seconds that the the mother went to go grab a towel while her kid was in the bathtub he was able to take images in 10 seconds that millions of people and i'm not kidding you millions of people did he do 10 seconds because he set up a timer so he could be in it what do you mean so he could be in the photo oh yeah he

put the top he put it on he placed his phone next to a bar of soap to prop it up and then no yeah he did the timer no you know what i'm saying like no i know it's so tragic it's like it's it's the idea that you can't trust a cousin or trust an uncle or trust like but but that's probably where the most abuse comes people are listening that have been, and you might blame your parents for it, but they fucking, and maybe they did know, because a lot of parents are in denial and can't handle it, and then they didn't believe you, and that's fucking tragic in and of itself.

But the truth is that you don't know. And I would trust no one, but that doesn't mean, I would trust Noah. I would also trust no one. But that doesn't mean that you need to never let let your kids alone with anyone because you can't possibly. No, you got to go to that movie on Friday night. What movie? Any movie.

I'm just saying. Get cameras in your house. I don't mean to be paranoid. But like and what it needs, what it is, is educating your child very early on about what and making them totally comfortable telling you anything and being comfortable enough to talk about the subject because if you are comfortable enough talking about that there's people out there that do these things, your child will have no shame and that there are people that are going to do these things to you

and say that if you tell, I'll kill your family. Like tell them, like they're all lies. Whatever someone tells you when they do these things to you, promise me you'll tell me because anything they tell you will happen because of that is going to be a lie like you have to because these people fucking make these kids so scared it's it's twisted you have to the uncomfortable things you have to expose yourself to to get the information is necessary to protect yourself and it's really bad and people go i don't want to hear about this

molestation i have kids it's like well then you're then you're I wonder at what age can you have this I mean to sit down a child and be like look because it I don't know it's just a tough conversation to have because you don't want to have the conversation unless it's a possibility of happening like too early where they can understand

there's definitely YouTube videos that probably would have more information about how to talk to your kids about this at early ages that wouldn't scar them for life but it's these molesters

trade tips and tricks all on the dark web and by the way everyone one in five people I'm sorry five percent

of people five percent of people regularly look at child pornography AKA which we should call child sex abuse images That's a real statistic and I know you don't believe it But 5% of anyone

In the general population regularly Consumes it Again that doesn't mean they're child molesters Because not that many 5% of the population Is not child molesters It's because they are becoming Into extreme pornography and they they can't stop and then it eventually leads to kid stuff so just know that going out there and

some of them are just you know football scouts what do you mean you know they're just scouting the kids to see their athletic talent let's just what do you mean what i'm confused so when there's scouts that like check out high school kids all the time. Oh, you as someone who's watching football kids playing football all the time? Yeah. That's not child sex abuse images. I know. I'm just fucking around.

All right. I'm trying to lighten this up a little bit and you keep wanting to make it so dark. I'm sorry. I just want to protect children by giving information out there that everyone's scared to consume. But Hunting Warhead is a fucking great podcast. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first.

I'm sorry. Sometimes it can't be funny, and I just want to help out children. And people are like, Jesus, Nikki, we get it, but I'm not going to stop talking about it. I don't want you to stop talking about it. I just want you to have a great time and all this Do you have a word on your thumb? Is it coming back? No. Wait, on

that thumb? Which one? I can't believe you had a word on your thumb for so coming back wait on that thumb which one i can't believe you had a word on your thumb for so long that i knew you and i never paid you a thousand dollars for me to dissect it because that is i am dying to you played with it you never let me really get into it the way because you are because i've seen you pick up a bag let alone play with my skin i'm not gonna let you near my skin with needles. You're very rough. You pick up all your own shit. I would love.

Oh, my God. I'm so scared of you with a knife. I would do any. Last night, I saw a guy post on Reddit with a wart, and he's like, what do I do? And I go, I would literally fly this guy to St. Louis so I could scrape this thing off. That's how bad I want it. I think it's becoming like I need to have it. It's so weird.

Your two obsessions are Taylor Swift and warts. That's where your brain is. Why do I want it so bad? I don't know. I think you need to get your own wart. I have this thing on my knee, but it's not good enough. I think it might be some kind of growth,

like a wart, but it's not the kind. I think it might be some kind of gross like a wart, but like it's not the kind I want. Maybe you could meet with a doctor and he could put a planter's wart on your foot. There's a doctor listening. I'm not even kidding. That could give. I was wondering if there was like many maybe models in medical school that they like use. Oh, yeah. Like I could play with, but I really want a real one. And I know that I just I don't know what's wrong with me.

I have to look into it. Let's get to this. all right first headline a 38 year old man was pulled over sunday after a deputy saw him apparently sleeping behind the wheel of a 2019 tesla operating on autopilot this guy was sleeping on the highway a couple people called in and when he got pulled over he's like i was going to work i was just tired but wait i mean like isn't that what you can do now well that's the thing the autopilot the whole thing is like i don't have to pay attention yeah like i could sleep in the back seat but apparently you have to be aware so then you're just kind of aware of driving you know what i mean like you're not

i want either full aware or completely asleep i don't want like a half aware person that is kind of yeah what is the point of a self-driving car if you can't sleep while it's driving i'm not kidding you yeah what are we doing it's not it's then it's not sufficient it's not sufficient i mean this guy obviously makes it this isn't probably the first time he's tested this he you know you're on the highway. He's definitely sleeping on the way to work all the time. What's that? Oh, he got called out three times for it.

He was pulled over two other times last year for the same thing. I mean, is this a new thing they had to make up, like driving while like sleeping while driving? Like, well, you're looking at getting a Tesla. Would this be something you're interested in and sleeping while traveling? Yeah. I mean, if it was safe to do, if like these cars, would you trust at getting a Tesla. Would this be something you're interested in and sleeping while traveling? Yeah. I mean, if it was safe to do, if like these cars are. Would you trust a car? No.

I mean, no, I wouldn't trust it this much. This guy must know what he's doing and in a way that I don't. But I know I would not probably sleep. But the thing is, it's wild when you are sometimes driving a car, when people fall asleep at the wheel. Everyone listening has had some version of this where your body goes, just like, take a little snooze. I've closed my eyes. You can do it. And you're literally driving.

So the power of sleep is insane. So if I'm in a self-driving car and I had that same thought, of course I'd give in to that. If I've let myself give in to it when I'm actually driving. Well, here's the thing. You would lose in chess to a computer, right? Yeah. i would say even if you play chess every day of your life yeah you would still lose yes so don't you think a car would drive better than how you drive is it the same computer that's playing chess

that is in the car because there's some computers i wouldn't trust there are some things like you know like sometimes things just like malfunction like i don't know the vibrator that I found the noise of on my phone. Wait, what's this? Remember yesterday when I was trying to pull up the noise? I found it. Oh, yeah. Isn't there also a vibrator on your phone? A vibrator app for your phone?

Oh, I believe that. I used to do that and try to like make it, but it's not vibrating. It doesn't do it enough. You would have to get a thicker case. Oh, my God. It sounds like a clown laughing i see like a clown with a knife like yeah that's the one that sounds like read more read more read more call your mom call your mom that turns you on hearing that you're alone no i hate how noisy it is i i that's i you that's i never really hear it usually because i have in my headphones and i'm listening to women crying no i'm listening to you know that

sounds like a factory machine like that should be like that's the one that goes like it moves inside you uh on its own it's great i guess it makes you want to fuck a guy like in construction right like some guy with a drill like a heavy drill yeah i mean that's the the whole fantasy is like just do you want to fuck a guy with a hard hat on like does that turn you on at all i don't see like construction workers and i'm like yeah like i don't like that doesn't like a guy in just jeans and no shirt like come home it's a hot look but um i want more of like when i i don't want a guy to like i want to come home and i want a guy to be like like comfy and like not like dirty and actually i like a dirty guy i don't know i don't know what i like anymore i just want someone to love me i don't care what you do can you talk about going

on a date tonight and how you feel about that or should we be going on a date we'll talk about it later but i am going on a date tonight so the tes feel about that? Or should we do that? Oh yeah, I'm going on a date. We'll talk about it later, but I am going on a date tonight. So the Tesla guy, I am going to get a Tesla too, by the way, I think. Not because I think, because I'm rich and I do think they're showy, but because they're the best electric car, they'll last me. I can resell it when I'm ready to give it up. And I got an electric space at our apartment. And I did a gig specifically, I told you, I was like,

I'm going to do this gig. It's paying me X amount of money. I don't want to do it. at our apartment and like i and i did a gig specifically i told you i was like i'm gonna do this gig it's paying me x amount of money i don't want to do it and you go you could do it in one day it's one day to work and i go you're right but i just really don't want to do it so much and it ended up being something that i really didn't like how it turned out but i need to take that i said i was going to do it i need to take that money and buy a car because i otherwise i'm just going to add it to the the bin and then never it. And you didn't like how it turned out, but did it do anything to your life? No, it just made comedians go, I saw that thing you did. You were number one?

You were number one? I'm like, I didn't make myself number one. That was the list before I presented it. I didn't know I was number one. I would have never accepted the gig because I like being number one, and it looked like I gave myself that. If I would have known I was the number one roast moment on Comedy Central, I would have never accepted the gig to host those moments. I accepted the gig before I knew I was number one.

They even said, do you want us to give you number two because you're hosting this? And I go, no, I won number one fair and square. Give me number one. Next story. Also, I feel like the Tesla is like, you know when online dating, I'm like, you date online and now it's the norm? That's going to be the norm? It's not even going to be weird.

Everyone should drive electric cars if you can. It is the future. Okay, so Dax Shepard reflects on what happened before his messy 2004 Conan interview, which he fell over blackout drunk. He did? In 2004. I watched the interview. The fall was on purpose, like at the top, but he was slurring a little bit.

He was funny, but he was definitely off. And he doesn't remember it at all. He knew it. Yeah. But the audience didn't mind it, but he knew. You could tell he knew during the interview? No, now. But he was blackout.

Yeah, I But he was blackout. I don't, yeah, I guess you could, I guess he was, but maybe watching it on YouTube again, he could see himself. I would not want to watch that. I hate watching people when they're not at their best. Like, it's very uncomfortable for me. Or when they're, like, when they make Conan nervous. Like when, so yeah, he was like passed out in the hotel.

He woke up, 20 20 minutes later he was doing the interview he forgot all the stories like you know all the crap that goes into all the pre-interview story all that stuff he forgot and like you know he's been sober now but then he had a relapse recently yes i do know that on he was on pain meds for some injury he he fucked up his hand i think he broke his hand pretty badly and and then he got back on stuff. Yeah. And he came out with it, and it was good for him. But it's just, you know, people often ask comics, they're like, so you must drink before you go on stage.

How do you feel about that? I mean. What do you mean? You used to drink, and now you don't. Yeah. Do you think you have to drink to be funny? I mean, that's what people's misconception about alcohol is. Well, it's just so, getting on stage is so scary to some people that it just, drinking calms you down because drinking makes you more dumb.

And so if you're more dumb, you're not as nervous. That's why like liquid courage people are like, I'm brave. It's like, no, you're just dumber. It's not that you're actually braver. Bravery comes from like acknowledging what you are doing and like feeling good enough to overcome it there's no bravery and getting drunk and being able to tell the girl you like her or making the move or being able to go on conan and have a better time it's you just are beginning a descent into the dumbest because if you keep drinking you become catatonically like really really dumb like yeah all it does is retard you is what drinking does.

So anything that you get from drinking, it's not because you're braver or because it's the true thing you want to say. You're just dumber. Yeah. It sounds like, so yeah, I chugged a beer before I did Jay Leno the first time.

How did that feel? Um, I just needed one because I used to always drink before I went on stage at least one. And I, it was during the day. And so I was like, is this weird to drink a beer?

But, and they didn't even give me a beer in my room. I had to go in Rainn Wilson's green room while he was doing his interview and just chugged a beer just to like, you know, take the edge off. It was like a Xanax, you know. I just needed to be a little bit dumber

so that my body wouldn't overthink. So there were, you know, I needed it because I was having anxiety. And now I have other ways to process anxiety. You know, now I smoke weed sometimes before I get nervous which doesn't seem like a good idea or drink coffee like I just need to get out of the state of mind that I'm in and um but now I for big moments I do not smoke weed and or like do anything to like if I'm nervous for a date I might smoke weed because I'm like there's nothing riding on this and maybe it'll make me more anxious but like if I'm nervous for a date I might smoke weed because I'm like there's nothing riding on this and maybe it'll make me more anxious but like if I'm doing the MTV awards I didn't smoke weed that

day even though I wanted to so bad because I wanted to just feel but it actually I didn't because I was amped enough and excited enough that I didn't need it but yeah what do you what do you think about this no I just feel like you know there was another time where he was getting his biggest movie role Dax yeah and he started taking like he went to he got in a car wreck going to buy coke in hawaii and it ended up being meth and he smoked meth and he was just like it just sounds like he was like self-sabotaging me for these big events that like you finally made it to whatever you wanted to make it to yeah and then you get the most fucked up possible which is interesting interesting. Because you feel like a fraud,

and you're too scared. I did that too. I had a chance to, I was auditioning to be Kevin Smith's partner on this syndicated daily show. This was in 2010. I had no money. I was broke. I didn't even have a computer.

I had $500 to my name. It was awful. And the night before the audition, which the audition was going on his podcast, I went out with this guy I was, I was interested in, got wasted because I was so nervous. And the next morning I had completely lost my voice. I was on this audition for, and I was literally talking like this the next day because I lost my voice because I just got wasted the night before and was smoking a bunch of cigarettes and was like I knew I had totally sabotaged like I was hungover and it was like I wasn't I'm so glad I didn't get

that job because I didn't deserve it I couldn't handle that pressure and I never did that again though like of of the night before something because it felt terrible to squander that and i knew i did but i'm glad i did because that i wasn't ready for it i'm you shouldn't i shouldn't have gotten that and dax shepherd probably i would do those same things not with business but with family stuff like so if i had like dinner with my or lunch with my grandma the next day or mother's day the next day the night before i would get for some reason just absolutely destroy myself yeah and i'd be so hung over at these things which make a thousand times worse yeah and because you were already doing something you you kind of didn't want to have to be with family and celebrate this you're like why i don't know i i think back at it i i i don't know maybe

i was just self-sabotaging because i was asking for help but i couldn't ask for help so i thought maybe if i completely fucked up people would be interested and the make maybe like force me to get help you fake all day that you weren't sick like or would you really lean into it no i would fake i would pretend to be like completely normal and then have a full-on panic attack oh andrew and i'd be i remember being at lunch with my grandma and like if you're at like the club and you're hung over and you're just like you're just looking at old people and you feel so disconnected from them and oh my god dude oh the panic the anxiety and just just shaking, going to the bathroom over and over again, just trying to like get my bearings, you know?

Man, you. My brain. How did anyone hang out with you back then? Because I was pretty cool the night before. Yeah, when you had some booze in you. But man, did the people know you were falling apart at the seams? Did your family know? There were so many times I was at dinner and my whole brain was going crazy

and I was thinking I was going to die and literally blow up. You chew on your hand when you get nervous. Would you be like looking, like would you be chewing on your, like would people go like, what's going on with you? I'd be underneath the table

and my legs would be shaking, my hips would be tight and I would feel pressure in my forehead and I'd act normal until the appetizer came and I would be like, and then finally like eventually I would calm down like 35 minutes into dinner or I would have to go for a walk. I mean, I've had to leave dinners because I have that.

I don't know, man. It was wild. Like your brain really fucks you up, man. Yeah. Anyhow. And you have no tools for it back then. You had no way to deal with it. You wouldn't even like Google.

Like how I didn't want to seem soft. I didn't want to seem soft i didn't want to seem weak oh god i mean it's just like yeah you just don't want to be like you don't want to be the god the one cousin at the party or at the dinner to be like i can't handle this like i'm literally like wanting to cry but i can't you couldn't tell anyone in your life i mean my little brother kind of went through similar stuff but they always just like i sometimes i just feel like i i don't know like i wasn't uh i either didn't show it enough or they just were like you're the fun guy you're always having fun you're silly you're strong your parents never were like hey what's going on with you?

They were so interested in their own shit, I think. Yeah. I think that's what happened. And I mean, I have empathy for it because I do the same thing. Yeah. But I think. No, yeah, I mean. You know, my mom being an alcoholic and she just wasn't literally not aware.

No, alcoholics can't be there for anyone but themselves. And that is across the board, no matter what kind of alcoholic you're dealing with. If you're dealing with someone who's dependent and people go, but my mom wasn't, my dad wasn't drunk. I never saw my dad drunk. It's like, well, when he wasn't drinking,

it was almost worse because he hated the fact that he wasn't drinking and was like resenting every moment. Like, cause when you, it was like, cause when you want your drug and you can't have it because you have to be with your kids you fucking are in that's more that's worse than when you're drunk you know like so when people go my you know i only saw my dad drunk a handful of times or he didn't drink around me it's like you you probably would have benefited

from being around your dad drunk because that was the only time he had any fun it was the times that he wasn't drunk that he fucking hated you and was so disconnected because he was thinking about when can i drink next when can i drink next just white knuckling it as i call it dude i would i i don't remember one time where like my mom would make dinner for us like i'd get home late because i played sports and i drove an hour to school whatever but i don't remember one time sitting down and being like having like like any kind of talk like any where i'm at what what's going on in school none of that shit i see some of these families on tiktok that like prank each other and they're all like part like they're all like one like cohesive unit and i'm like what the fuck is this like the d'amelio's the other

night i mean whatever but yeah they'll probably get divorced soon um anyhow but yeah it's just there if you can if you don't know what i'm talking about about people like if you've never been addicted to anything the way that alcoholics feel when they're not drinking is the way have you ever been starving right like you are the most hungry you've ever been right and all you can think about is like where are we gonna go for dinner when's the food hungry you've ever been, right? And all you can think about is like, where are we going to go for dinner? When's the food coming? You know, every time the waiter walks into the kitchen, you're like, he might be coming out with it. And like that kind of anxiety where you're like, you can't focus on the conversation because you're like, my food might be arriving. That's how addicts feel all the time when they're not getting to do their drugs. So if you can't

relate, you can relate to that moment. And that's how your dad, who you never saw drink, was feeling all the time when he was with you and that's why he's such an asshole and ask your kid how they're doing i know i didn't get asked that a lot either and for various reasons but just never never had a talk like how do you feel about that you seem to be going through something is is there anything on your mind nikki you seem to be in a bad mood lately what's going on never never, never. I've never had that. Me neither.

And it's not. And if my parents are listening, you fucked up. But it's OK. You didn't know any better. Why do I care? Why do I care? I guess we'll do this. Gleb Sushchenko's estranged wife, Alina.

Oh, my. Some. Some. OK. Gleb's wife yeah thought Nikki Glaser killed it with the Chrishell Stiles hookup joke that's what that was the headline I don't know if what I said

yesterday on the podcast to allude that I maybe I like fibbed a little bit and said that Chrishell no in the article yeah they quote you because this is not right the headline is such clickbait it's meaning it they just they just changed my words they manipulated the words yes because in the quote inside the

article you say how she texted you she sent you like a message yeah a dm that you you you're in regards to your performance you killed it yes that's what it was and she didn't say specifically that joke. She goes, she was like, I think she saw my red carpet interview actually with Chrishell or something like, and she was just like, you killed, yeah, she said you killed it.

There was no like, I loved that joke where you skewered my ex-husband. And it was, so it wasn't that at all. But thanks Us Weekly for now. I had a great dinner with Gleb last night. Then I wake up to a thing that's like, Nikki revealed that Gleb's ex reached out and loved that she trashed her friend Gleb.

And it's like, that's not what happened. And I, you know, what happened was she just wrote me a nice message and it wasn't about like, get him girl. And now I kind of, knowing what I know, I kind of regret my, i don't regret my jokes about club that i made because they were really funny and he was into them and chris was into them but let me just say there's literally no truth behind the jokes i made literally none and i when i

delivered them thought that there was none so and headline that and they said our podcast the nikki glazer podcast in the article Listen, it will take the bad price. But I did feel bad today after having this great talk with Gleb last night and hearing his side of everything and just still empathizing with every part of this, knowing that like, oh my God, it felt shitty to wake up and be like, now Gleb's going to think that I'm talking shit on him on my podcast and like buddy-buddy with his wife being like, yeah, we're going to get him, which is not the way it went down and not the way that she thought it would, you know, reach out to me at all. So I just want to be clear about that.

Hopefully Gleb reads the full article and not just the headline. Well, I know Gleb that does wake up to a fresh Us Weekly on his porch every morning. Just like, you know, when you stay at a hotel and they give you the times on your front doorstep. Yeah, he reads that and the journal, welfare journal. And then i think he actually checks out the uh he's so hot it's like i and and he's aged a couple years since i've been able to look at him across the tape like like really really study his face boy uh he is so like i really like age. He used to be so pretty. Cause he's just so, he was like a little bit younger and little model.

Now he's a little bit like just rugged. Oh God. Gleb, if you're listening, you know, you know how I feel about you, but like, and you know that you're so,

I think Gleb's hot is like saying the fucking sun is hot. Water's wet. You know? Yes. And boy, was it ever last night? Yeah. You were set up at dinner. There was a lot. No, no, no. I was not turned wet. You know, yes. And boy, was it ever last night. Yeah, you were set up at dinner. There was a lot.

No, no, no, I was not turned on. I really wasn't. I was just like, he is such a beautiful man, and I love, and I learned so much about him that I go, he's so much more than I even knew during Dancing with the Stars. He shared a lot with me, but I'm like, you're such a good person.

And from, I guess, the things he was telling me i mean by the way i'm just hearing one side of things i was like it's kind of nice though to like kind of go on a a pseudo date with like the hottest man on earth because it gives you and i like so next date you go on with a very good looking man that you thought might be too good looking for you you realize oh no they're just they have insecurities whatever like i don't know it's like a good like gateway drug to like not a date but it was definitely very like it was it was just a loving connection between friends who have and he said to me he goes as soon as i saw him we hugged and he started like dancing we like did our little salsa while we were waiting for our table and he was like he goes you are the only he

was like i would dance with you again i would dance with you again i go glad i'm trying to get back in i go i want to do a loser season and he's like you need to he was like the way they do the show now he goes nikki the way they did the show on your season was the worst way it's ever been you would kill the show now and i go glad not only would i kill the show now i i am a new woman like i have confidence i don't care like what people think I would be willing to, I was in such a fragile state when I did that show that I would love to go back with the person I am now. And,

and he even was like, who is this new person? Like you don't seem, you just hold your, he was like so proud of who I've become since then. Cause he saw me in a really bad state then. And we were just laughing about all the things we used to care about then. And,

and the guy, the boys I was into and, Oh was really really fun and then i have another thing to share eventually about last night that i can't wait but uh it was a good it was a good night and you had a good night too right yeah i had a good night i mean i uh yeah i met my hero mark maron yeah i woke up this morning and andrew was talking to noah in the kitchen is it i don't think it's i think it's uncool to be like it was actually pretty cool to have a conversation with someone that pretty much started podcasting yeah and yeah i went i hung out with tim dillon who was an old friend of mine we went to the comedy store next day i know i'm in a conversation with him and

mark maron tim leaves and then it's just me and Mark Maron shooting the shit. Yeah. And I'm just like, I'm shooting the shit with Mark. Because he's like, you know, he's such a figure in a way. I know. And yeah, I mean within 10 minutes I realize he's not just a hot face, you know. There's more to him. No, Mark

Maron is one of those people that you're like, oh my god, I'm talking to Mark Maron. Then you're like, he's just a guy. He's just an insecure comic like us all like they don't change uh but yeah i love mark maron um yeah the our first interaction he i met him at a comedy festival and i was at like this um i was at a buffet that they had set up and he just walked up to me and i was like making a plate and he goes he looked at me and he goes what are you eating disorder girl and i was like making a plate and he goes, he looked at me and he goes, what are you eating disorder girl? And I was like, I go, Mark. Yes,

I am. And I go, and you're, I know that you know it because you're eating disorder boy. Yeah. And then we got to, it would just like cut through the, and I was like,

how, how brat like, you know, what was on your plate? Just a bunch of vegetables, you know, just a bunch of fucking eating disorder foods. Cause I was still in my disease then. disease then um okay let's get to finish my

sentence which is where andrew and i complete a sentence for each other and see if we can get it right and sometimes it makes us fight all day or in one time when we did this it made us fight all day so this sentence is andrew oh you want me to go first? I mean, like I wrote it down. I don't have it. Okay. If I could change one thing about my physical appearance without surgery with the snap of a finger, it would be blank because then I could blank. I like how you set this

up like this. It's like Madlib style now. Yes. I wanted to have an extra element to it. This is what we should call it. Sad lip. That's really funny um do you want me to go first you want sure okay if i could change one thing about okay hi i'm nikki glazer if i could change one thing about my physical appearance without surgery with the snap of a finger it would be to have a little bit bigger of an ass i i want a thicker ass uh i put

on pants the other day and i didn't like how they fit. And I just think, like, just a little. It doesn't have to be a giant ass, just some ass. And I'd be pretty happy with that. Because then I could. Because then I could maybe wear certain pants that maybe I avoid. I could have a little bit more confidence when I'm maybe naked or maybe when I'm, you know, at the beach or whenever. But however, I do feel way more comfortable with my body these days.

And I actually like for the first time in my life, I kind of like my ass and I like myself. So wait. So do I want to change my ass? If I had to. If there was one thing I had to change, it would be my ass. Yeah. Okay, that's what you think. All right.

Do I answer it first? How do we do this? Do I say if he was right or not? Yeah, I think so. Okay, so that's not a bad guess, but I do like my ass now. I know I can't stop picking up my knee. It's like I need to get it off. It's like there's skin there.

What is it? Is there a scab? I think it's a wart, but I think it's the kind of wart that I don't want. Like, I don't know if it's a wart. It's like a skin growth on my knee that has been there for like a decade and sometimes I pick it off

when I'm, and I just need to get all the. What, are you nervous right now? No. You seem chill. I'm not nervous at all, but I just want to get that skin off. I need it to be flat.

I know, but I can't stop watching it. I know, I know, I know, I'm stopping, I'm stopping, I'm stopping,

I'm stopping. Okay. But I don't mind if you do it. I would not change my ass now because I really do think it's decent enough. I think as I age, more fat is going down there just as a woman. So I'm like, oh, okay. I don't mind it. That wouldn't be the thing I would change.

I would have my skin not go falling off my face because I see my face just like that. Like sometimes I look like a melting candle of like skin. And that's what I would have like more tight skin on my face. And I know that's like a minor thing, but I would have like a fate like I would just have my face pulled up like stretched up. But without surgery. But I don't understand the without surgery like it's like because you have to consider all these things like well i don't want to do that because no this is just like you snap your fingers and it's like it it's fixed right away it's imaginary and for the segment that's yes yes yes okay sorry no i just want to say the

reason i would do that is because then people would like me more because i look younger and everyone likes younger things because everyone's scared of death and it reminds them of death. And then people wouldn't make fun of my face or like that. Like, I know that that's going to be the first thing that people make fun of when I age or like notice is my face. My body is still in good shape, but my face is going faster than the rest of my body. And no one's ever literally ever told me that I look young for my age. And that's okay. I don't mind it. But like,

I would like my, my face to stop aging. Um, that's my number one. But a positive is so many people do their face so much and their body is falling apart. So it doesn't match your body is going to be fantastic. Your whole life.

So your life it's going, I mean, your dad still has a fantastic figure. He's 65. it doesn't match your body is going to be fantastic your whole life not my whole life it's going look i mean your dad still has a fantastic figure he's 65 i get it but like my dad's face he looks like a turtle like his head he does have a turtle face his his head is aging faster that's why i stay out of the sun i'm just saying like i would shoot i would choose a facelift and i'm not saying but the thing is the snap of the finger doesn't it's not going to look like housewives it's just going to be look like yes I got pulled up a little bit more and I would make myself have a you know what I would do okay smaller forehead I would have my hairline start a half an inch uh lower on my head like I want a Selena Gomez hairline where it's like she has like a

little she has like an inch of forehead and I have like five inches. And now don't use that against me trolls and be like, Oh, your forehead's big. Please don't. Okay. Andrew, if I, if I'm Andrew Collin,

Hey, I'm Andrew Collin. And if I could change one thing about my physicality without surgery, and it was just the snap of a finger, I would be four inches taller because I, people like taller people and i'm okay with the size of my penis even though i it probably would look smaller given my four inches of height so i do have to consider that now i'm backtracking but i would probably be four inches taller so that i could be more athletic and more like stand out in a crowd and

like people would like me more because people tend to like tall people girls tend to like tall people better not that I'm looking for girls but overall in society like you succeed more if you're taller um and that's what I would change Andrew oh that's it's a tough one there's so many things that I think I would change my nipplesipples. Oh, yeah, your nipples. Even though I've been told many times my nipples are not bad, but they're just such an insecurity that I've had my whole life. Why don't you get them fixed? It would literally be such a cheap surgery to get your nipples de-puffed.

I don't think you could make your nipples smaller. A hundred percent, Andrew. You could get your nipples removed. They could take out the puff, and they could put them back on. Yes, they can. Have you ever looked into it it you said that someone had surgery for the nipples the rock the rock but then someone yelled at me they're like no actually you're deconditioned but I don't know whatever okay we'll get that condition okay yeah I'm gonna try uh nipples yes I think I would you would take my hairline height okay I don't mind that my hair is receding because I

think it looks good when a man ages and their hair actually goes back a little bit but I'm just I could use a little bit more thickness in my hair so what do you want to do you want to do nipples you want to do height or you want to do hair what if I took my nipples and put them in my power

no okay that's so tough I think I would give myself warts I forgot about that one I would give myself warts. I forgot about that one. I would give myself one wart on the bottom of my foot that didn't hurt that much but hurt a little bit. And then I could – I'm not kidding you. I'm perfect except I want a wart.

But I'm scared to get one on purpose because I'm scared it will spread everywhere. I just want one on the bottom of my toe or like somewhere with a good callus. So you're telling me right now you would have a wart over a younger face no that's not true but i do really want to work in just one place i'm so weird i wouldn't mind if my penis was a little bit thicker like had a little bit more weight what are we looking at um right around that like hard it's yeah okay you guys this is about a that's that's like as that's as much as you need yeah yeah i mean yeah what is that that's like a large i don't even know how to describe what that about a inch and a half in diameter i just yeah i could use a little bit

more weight i think you want your dick to be heavier yeah you just want a girl to pick it up and be like yeah i saw some guy on tiktok lift with your legs i saw a guy on tiktok do a backflip and his cock like in his shorts like and every girl's like man that's a lot of weight like that's all i want just like to do a backflip and a girl go god damn that's a lot of weight in there and with an accent yeah yeah god damn that's a lot of weight you watch it on tiktok like it is so funny we caught noah and i caught andrew again yesterday hinting around uh cock size what did he say yesterday that we were like oh my god he's doing it again oh when we were sitting out on the

yeah with bill and uh micah and everyone we were talking about something and andrew just goes so like wait you guys like oh girls moaning are they moaning because of the size we were talking about something and Andrew just goes so like wait you guys like oh girls moaning are they moaning because of the size we were talking about being loud during sex and you were like that was on the podcast no that wasn't on the podcast you asked a question yeah does a girl moan from the size

of the cock or from the pleasure I think that was on the podcast and later on there was another one though where he was like wait is that because of the size? And Noah and I were just like, he can't help it. He goes, I'm doing it on purpose. And I go, no, you weren't. Well, here's the thing.

Guys talk about dicks a lot. Like, straight guys talk about dicks a lot. Dude, I'm friends with a lot of guys, and I've been friends with guys my whole life in a way that we are friends, too, very open. No one thinks about it as much as you. Final thought. I mean, I just, I don't know if guys are as comfortable around you to talk about their

dick size. Maybe they are. I just, I can sense. The thing is, you haven't told me you're uncomfortable about dick size. I knew it before we ever got there because you would perk up when girls would talk about dicks and be like, and follow up with little questions of insecurities. The way that I would, if someone would be like talking about a flat ass, I would just be like,

so like, is ask really important? Actually, I wouldn't say that because I thought it was too obvious. You're not good at not being obvious. I have to say. It's fine though. I think I'm up front.

Yeah, I don't think. But you think that you're being, like, I'm so good. No, I don't. I don't think I'm being subtle.

That's the difference. I don't. No, no, no. No, you. I don't. I don't i don't think i'm being subtle that's the difference i don't know you i don't i don't let me just say okay how am i okay here explain it to me that could be yes so you are not good at subtlety remember the time that so if i'm ever around andrew and like let's

say there's something happening that we talked about before with a friend and we're at lunch and they start doing it. I want to kick them under the table. I can't do that with you ever, ever. What do you mean? I can't give you a look or anything. But like,

so say we're having a shared moment and we don't want to do it in front of Noah. We're like, so let's say Noah did something that we were like, Oh my God, we talked about her doing that. And we're being little bitches at lunch. And we're like,

Noah does something. We're like, Oh my God, like she's doing it. And I kick you. I could never trust you to do that because you go ow why are you kicking me like you are never plugged into the discreteness or or if you are into it i'll look at you and go like like raise my eyebrows in a way and then you will start giggling in a way that's like so obvious to

the third person you can't ever just so i'm not a good poker face you are you are terrible one time we i wanted you to leave me alone with someone because he was a third i asked him to be a third wheel because i was nervous to be around this guy alone mind you this is one time but this is the only time i've ever been into a guy he does with me i do something once and maybe it's a big one no no but then it becomes my whole personality no but this is the kicking under the table thing i i've done with you several times and you have always gone wait what like and i go oh my god i now have to pretend that i was like accidentally kicked him under the table it's happened a lot i'm serious you're not someone

that i can just go like inside joke i can't even give you a look like i have certain friends that we just can look at each other and not start laughing we just like give a look like but you go like you get like excited about it and you'll look at me too much and you'll keep going back to it I in fact sometimes when we are with someone that does something that is we know we're going to talk about later I won't

even look at you because you look at me like let's talk let's look at each other about it right now and I go I can't even sometimes I'm like a dog and then later on you go did you see that and i go of course i saw that andrew i was never gonna look at you because it's so obvious like you are you don't realize that you give away you have no poker face and that you give away things by either biting your fingers or like the anxiety you express it will suddenly show up and like the the it's very vulnerable but you aren't good at hiding

your feelings i've been better about being giddy i don't know if that's like comes with age about being like that nervous energy i really don't feel like i have yeah we have to go do two huge podcasts today and i'm completely really scared about you being giddy i'm scared can i say my fear yes oh yeah my fears is that like i won't be able to talk at all because you'll talk. Well, I'm the star of our show, and we're promoting the Heliopolis podcast, so I think that would be okay. But see, even that attitude that I just got back from that. I'm just saying we're not going in as... It'd be like Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter going

into promotion. I was telling you my fears, and you came back at me like, I'm the star. But I'm just saying your fears are real because they are. That's the way it should be. You're not. I got you invited on these. Like we're going in together as a thing. I,

you know, my fears are real. Yeah. I'm of course I'm going to set you up to look great, but I wanted to have a talk with you before of like, please don't have this. Cause sometimes you'll do this thing where you're like, you'll be on these shows and be like,

so, so I'm doing this. sometimes you'll do this thing where you're like you'll be on these shows you'll be like so so i'm doing this like you get into this like i just want you to be the same on this podcast today that you are like i want you to be this energy okay instead of like trying to show off for boys or getting nervous and like not show off but like getting you tell me these things and then sometimes i'll hold back my funniness or saying no i hate that because i feel like i'm being judged that's i really don't like when you go the other way when you get like super like i'm so chill it's just like be real okay but imagine if i told you how to be on a podcast please tell me you just did you said you're gonna talk too much and i said yeah i probably will i mean that's what I do. And I acknowledge that it's annoying to you sometimes.

And you can acknowledge that you being Tom Sakura. I love you. Andrew Santino. I wasn't going to be like that. No, you are good friends with those guys to the point now that you're more comfortable, but I'm glad we're going in.

Like when you, you get like, you get like a little bit starstruck with sure as you should they're huge but i don't i don't want them anymore okay i really don't i'll be fine yeah i i think you'll be fine the only thing is the setup at cigars is kind of weird oh it is yeah like they have like a high table and they're like looking down at it just doesn't feel that connected but they're doing okay what do you mean it doesn't feel connected they're when you do it yourself yeah which i've done alone before oh it's a different setup for two people no i'm just saying i was making a joke that i did it by myself i know uh go listen to the go listen to it it was great if you want to hear and talk for more than five minutes

no so no the table he's at a table and they're like they're like by where noah is and they're higher up oh so they're kind of like looking so it just doesn't feel like you want to go there an hour early so you can scope out the room and get comfortable and walk the premises jesus just i don't want to do that i listened to the Honeydew last night that you did. I listened to Tom Segura on Honeydew. What's his name's podcast? What's his name? Ryan Sickler.

Ryan Sickler's podcast, Honeydew, is so fucking good. Tom Segura went on there and talked about the story of him breaking his leg, doing a dunk contest with Burt. It's fucking good. I'm excited to talk to them today. I had a really, really good episode of the Honeydew. And it'll come out within the next two months. You guys will love the Honeydew.

Go listen to, go subscribe to Honeydew. I mean, it has seven and a half thousand reviews and like it's huge already. So you probably heard of it. But anyway, yeah. So we'll be on those podcasts later. I'm sorry I attacked you. I just, I want you to be yourself. Okay. All right. Thank you guys for listening. We will be on those podcasts later. I'm sorry I attacked you. I just, I want you to be yourself. Okay.

All right. Thank you guys for listening. We will be back tomorrow to finish up our stint in LA, and then we're back to St. Louis. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We love you, besties. I love you, besties. Okay.

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