The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #350 Asphyxiation, Nikki’s Nightmare, Writing A Musical & First Attractions
Episode Date: June 15, 2023The gals are imagining what it could be like for Brian as he drives to his wedding destination. Anya wants to know why people like getting choked during sex. Nikki is putting her foot down on celebrit...y and self help guru worship. She is also going to purposefully and subtly brag more. Nikki shares an insanely violent dream she had. After seeing a musical, Nikki wants to lend her comedy writing to one. Nikki and Anya talk about what they've been watching. They talk about first feelings of attraction and in the Final Thought debate whether those feelings can ever be preserved. --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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The Nikki Glaser Podcast.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Here's Nikki
Hello, here I am, it's the Nikki Glaser Podcast, welcome to it
Good, fair listener
I'm Nikki
Brian Frangie is not here with us because he's driving
I picture him like still driving to the Rocky Mountains He's probably arrived It's I'm Nikki. Brian Frangie is not here with us because he's driving.
I picture him like still driving to the Rocky Mountain.
He's probably arrived.
I see him like going around a turn, like trying to avoid a mountain.
Fleet.
Yeah.
Like a little tiny car.
Yeah.
Yes. With all their stuff packed, like they're moving across the country.
But it's like they're just driving to their wedding location, which I'm going to tomorrow.
But why did they get there? How many days do you have to be there before a wedding
didn't he just get there yesterday okay maybe but he's getting married saturday i would be like
let's get in friday god i'm nervous my stomach just flipped because i'm getting married on a
saturday sorry i'm getting married on a sunday and, I'm getting married on a Sunday and I am just getting there on, I think,
when am I getting there?
I don't know.
Saturday.
We're having dinner on Saturday before.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I don't understand.
I think he's probably just going up there to hike and stuff
and they're having a bigger wedding than you are, I think.
Okay, good.
That relieves me.
I just am having like a daytime springtime lunch that I
also happen to be getting married at with a small coterie of friends yeah exactly so it's not as I
don't understand going up early but I'm sure it makes sense I'm sure they're doing something
um that is necessary I never understand getting early to anything. It could also be that Allie's family
and Brian's family
are not in the same location
and it's just a way
for them to do
activities together.
Like all hang out.
Yeah.
I think he's setting up
a huge tent
just in case it rains.
I just want to see him
doing manual labor.
It is going to rain
all weekend.
I know.
Unfortunately.
It is dirt
and it's an outdoor thing.
Yes.
I don't know
what we're going to do. I mean, I'm fine with it, but it's not my wedding. If Taylor's an outdoor thing. Yes. I don't know what we're going to do.
I mean,
I'm fine with it,
but it's not my wedding.
If Taylor Swift can do it,
she can perform in a typhoon.
I think Brian will be fine.
Yeah.
Didn't he say he doesn't care if it rains?
Was that him?
Yeah.
What is it called in that New York Times thing
when it rains on your wedding day?
It's like the last more set.
The devil had sex with your grandma or something oh oh that was something carlisle said not the new york times the new york times thing
it sounds like it's an article it was a quiz to place you uh um geog geographically by your
accents or whatever yeah and it said if you if it rains when it's sunny out it's like
called the devil beats its wife and i think that's what um carlisle said too yeah that's what that's
where i heard it it's so strange and like it's also we have like wife wife beaters the fact that
we just call them that yeah and it's funny for like a tank top. It's so funny. We don't even think about it.
Oh, I'm just going to pair this with like a cute wife beater.
What the fuck, man?
It's really fucked up.
Oh my God.
I'm going to wear my infanticide shorts and then pair it with a cute like, you know, what's the, what's the, I can't even think of other murders.
My molestation moccasins.
And my suicide belt.
And my suicide belt.
I mean, a lot of belts could do that.
Some have.
Yeah, a lot of people that they think commit suicide are just trying to jerk off.
You know that?
Yes.
I've never tried the choking thing.
That gets, I mean.
Have you?
I've never tied anything around my neck
to like choke myself,
but yeah, I've been choked during sex.
Is it great?
I'm a millennial.
Someone had a joke online the other day
that was like,
she was like, I'm not from America.
She was like Irish and she got choked
and she was like, I didn't know. I thought he was going she got choked. She was like, I didn't know.
I thought he was going to strangle me.
We were just making out on the couch and he went to grab my neck.
I forget who it was.
I'm sorry I'm not giving you credit.
Katie Boyle.
Oh, really?
Good job.
I think.
I follow her too.
She's a funny comic.
Is this just a weird American surprise or something?
Because you would think someone's going to kill you
if they start just throttling your neck,
but that is like a normal thing now.
You see all the time.
And you've never once had any pressure on your neck during sex, Anya?
No.
I can't believe this.
I can't either.
What?
I just tried it the other day.
It's like the only way I can tell.
Are you so delicate?
Oh, really?
Yes.
I can't see Anya into that.
Wait, so are you doing it,
do you ever do it to yourself
when you're?
Yes.
Okay.
Mom.
Yeah, I think I probably,
I probably don't even notice
I'm doing it.
I haven't even finished my thought.
Do it to myself
while I'm masturbating?
I mean, I can think,
I know where you're going with this.
So how do you do it
when you're doing
so many other things
with your hands?
I don't know that I've done it
to myself,
but I guess I would
or it's not out of the question, but yeah, things with your hands um i don't know that i've done it to myself but i i guess i would or i'm
it's not out of the question but um yeah and it's the trick is you don't actually squeeze you just
squeeze you just put you just place it there and from there if i'm talking to men or women who
you know are with people who want to be choked also.
It's not like you actually choke them that can really damage stuff.
It's the sides of the neck where the blood flow
is. You just kind of put your
little bit of pressure on there.
If you block the blood flow, there's just
something so hot about not being able to
fucking breathe when you're trying
to come. Yeah. Do you
understand this, Noah? I get choked all the time
in jujitsu and you know like you have to tap out of it otherwise you'd pass out wet mat yeah yeah
so right shit all over the mojado yeah i saw a slime that the other day i thought of you
um yeah you have to so basically it's just like you you like start seeing a little bit of like
white and like like stars you see the light yeah like start seeing a little bit of like white and like like
stars you see the light yeah you start seeing god starts to be like come here come to your
grandmother she's waiting for you and then you come and you come yeah and then you live 60 more
years but you almost get there yeah you see start to see a little twinkle or like yeah it just gets
like like a little like fuzzy and then
you have to tap otherwise you will pass out you won't be dead right but um you're cutting off
oxygen to your brain yeah on the mat but do you in in this in the sex do you ever i like it i don't
i wouldn't want to be um choked like i am in jujitsu during sex but i like the forcefulness
that it implies just Just the hold there.
Like the hold of like,
you're going to,
I'm going to,
I just like to be used as,
I like to be holes.
And I like to be like used.
Like I don't like to be,
if I happen to come,
like I want that to be like,
I'm in trouble for doing that.
Like I'm just a futon. Like that someone's humping. Like I want to be, I don't know what that to be like, I'm in trouble for doing that. Like I'm just a futon that someone's humping.
Like I want to be, I don't know what that fetish is.
It's probably like objectifying myself literally.
I don't know what that is, but I like most of my fantasies always gear towards like whenever
my partner's trying to like actually give me pleasure.
I'm like, take that out of the equation.
Like I'm not someone who deserves it or needs it i am just something that yeah successful people
like they're so used to being revered you're gonna say succession fans i was like probably
there's something fucked up about us if we like yeah yeah no i think people that are successful
and and revered
probably want to be treated like shit sometimes because they're so sick of all the yes men around
them and you know can i get you a water can i'm sure there's something to that but i think that
most successful people secretly think they're pieces of shit and so they want that acted out
in their fan like they can't admit it to anyone because then they would be
their their empire would topple even though i and i talk about it constantly that i don't
like myself but they will so they can only let it out there of where they truly feel who what
their mom told them they were or whatever they can let it out in there because it's like a
when you say things when you're having sex,
you don't follow up and talk about them outside.
Like, it's just, it's a safe space.
It's almost like a therapist's office
where you can kind of let out things
that if we both have this tacit agreement during sex,
not just, I'm not talking about me and my partner,
but like, we collectively,
where it's like, we say things
and they're not going to get brought up outside of
this you know like you don't have to hold me to anything i say in here and so i can kind of let
out all of my deepest fears or insecurities about myself and get treated like a dumb cum whore
that just needs dicks and cum and that's all that i live off of that's so stupid like connor he just lives up yeah nothing doesn't need love he's just what
does he live yeah the brother in succession he's like i'm like a i'm like a tree that lives off the
insects that die inside it i don't need love you guys are little love sponges and i have learned
how to adapt to not having love yeah i like being that but for calm i'm learning to adapt to not having love. Yeah, I like being that, but for calm.
I'm learning to adapt to a life without succession.
It's been depressing, I have to say.
Yeah, it is.
I'm like searching every night to find a new thing.
I did watch Tar the other night, based on your recommendation and everyone's recommendation.
What is Tar?
Her name is Lydia Tar. i don't like that i wish they would have named it something different because it just sounds like some
i don't know it just didn't sound appealing to me the tar with like a weird umlaut that not even
like like an accent over the a but she is a composer she's a a maestra instead of maestro because I guess they change it if you're a lady with a stick.
And she is the most prolific maestro or maestra
that's literally ever lived,
like up there with Gershwin in this world that we're living in.
And she's done movie scores.
She's egotted, essentially essentially she has egotted in
the movie like she's just the most renowned most upheld um and just uh the smartest and she does
speak like this immediately you are struck by how she talks it is is like this, isn't it, Anya? Yes, starring Cate Blanchett.
Oh, yeah, Cate Blanchett.
She is a lesbian.
With a perfectly aesthetic wardrobe.
Yes, and perfect skin and perfect hair
and just a perfect vocabulary
and the way she talks
and she does special lectures
and she's written a book
and she's on a book tour.
Then it's about how she kind of,
it's about how she essentially of, it's about how she's essentially gets me too.
You know,
she's like this powerful lesbian who has taken in young girls and like
under her wing and mentored them and surrounded herself with like a bevy of
young girls.
And she,
and it kind of comes out that she might be doing some twisted shit
i'm so glad you watched it yeah she's amazing kate blanchett is incredible she learned german for
this she learned how to play piano and like she's incredible she's so she's so the character
you don't question that this person is an actor even for a second it's just next level stuff can i just say also
though that like i'm obsessed with kate blanchett as an actress i don't i don't i'm not a kate
when people are fans of actors you need to check yourself like i don't understand people who are
like i love like um i guess like if you like someone's acting, that makes sense.
If you're like, I want to see everything this person is in.
But if you like saw them in the street and were like, I want to have dinner with this person.
You don't.
They're actors.
They're like boring.
They're obsessed with this one thing.
They're good at this one thing.
They don't reveal anything about themselves ever to you.
You don't really know who Margot Robbie is at all.
And yes, am I saying this as someone
who's revealed way more of myself than these actors?
Yes.
Is this me tooting my own horn a little bit?
Yes.
I don't feel like they should be upheld.
Do you know, like, if you ask most people,
like, who are the five people
you'd want to have dinner with?
They'd list a bunch of actors
who would bore the fuck out of you talking about their technique bradley cooper
do you really want to hang out with him do you know anything about him other than maybe a couple
like anecdotes he's told on the colbert couch that make him seem relatable that was highly rehearsed
and produced by a producer you don't know these people at all there are some actors Jason Bateman who has a
podcast any actor who has a podcast and it actually lets you in on who they are then maybe you can
really like like them and be like I'm such a fan of them but most actors pass man like I don't want
to even I don't I like your work have you ever met an actor and kind of had this shock afterwards
that they're so different from who you thought they were yes I'm like can't you ever met an actor and kind of had this shock afterwards that they're so different from who you thought they were?
Yes.
I'm like, can't you act like an interesting person?
You play one on screen.
You meet someone on Raya who is like, oh my God, he's so handsome.
And you watch all his stuff and you're like, he's so adorable.
And then you meet them in person.
You're like, he's so lame.
And he takes acting so seriously
when it's so stupid you're playing make-believe there's no difference between you and like a kid
on a playground being like i'm playing this is school i'm the teacher like what but actors are
don't you think is there anything to this i'm just confused when people like worship actors
definitely musicians i feel like give you
a little bit more sense of who they are but actors aren't really writing i think it's because
musicians like help you feel your feelings so you get like emotionally connected to them
but i totally agree with you and maybe you know not to like humble brag or whatever but just like
working in radio and meeting uh actors and stuff on press tours,
I just was like,
oh, I'm not really,
they're nice people,
but I'm not really impressed
and I'm not going to worship them.
There's just something icky
about worshiping another human.
I used to worship them.
I used to worship Dawson's Creek
and Katie Holmes
and all these,
Jennifer Aniston.
I hear she's a good hang.
Okay, fine. That's great like I'm not
all of them are awful by no means Henry Winkler remember when he came into studio he was a
fucking oh yeah there are some that are like truly great humans and interesting off camera but
um I don't I I just I think we should and I'm not asking people to give a shit about me.
I'm so much more interested in comedians and people who are sharing of themselves.
But also not self-help people on Instagram.
No more of these people who are sharing, who are trying to get you to live a better life.
I'm just so sick of it.
I'm muting them all.
I don't want any of it.
Of like the keys to a good day
waking up at first i was just gonna send you that today i can't you know what i mean like these
i've talked about them before they annoy me and sometimes you get little nuggets of like wow
that's really inspirational but this girl the other day i sent it to you anya you saw that
girl good morning guys i just want to remind you here's your daily reminder to take
10 minutes outside under the sun out in the real world before you get on with your busy day
you might think it's not important to get this vitamin d and connect with nature but it's the
most important thing you'll do today honestly Honestly, I'm not going to lie.
It did.
Making me sending this to you to make fun of it did get me to actually today take the
long walk home from Starbucks to get a little bit more sun and not be on my phone and like
breathe.
But I was sitting outside at Starbucks, just like laying out.
I was going into a deposition hearing.
I was stressed out, stressed sipping Starbucks,
chugged it, you know, a whole venti extra hot
by the end of the block.
But I did go the long way to soak up the sun
and take that extra 10 minutes.
But my annoyance with that clip
was the fact that she posted.
She's going to see,
I know someone's going to see this and send it to her.
And then it's gonna be like
hey i really didn't appreciate that you called like i actually was trying to help people i know
you were girl i actually think your heart is in the right place mine is not mine is not so i can't
stomach it but i you have to admit to yourself to the left if you see the yeah if yeah it's my heart is like her doctor has actually
said it's in the wrong place yeah um she posted this and then she showed that like you should
schedule it every day in your calendar this was the point that annoyed me are you kidding me
i wasn't wearing my readers no there was There was a little square. Oh, yes.
So within this video, which I did actually benefit from,
I was like, I do need to soak up the sun a little bit more.
There was a screen grab of her calendar that day.
Oh, God. Okay?
And it said 10 minutes of like sun time or whatever.
But then she didn't crop it in a way that she cropped it in a way that you could still see some other stuff she had on the calendar.
And it was like, you know, meeting with my book editor an hour.
And then it was like meeting to come up with tour merch designs, approval of editing. There was just three other meetings on there that you could see within a three-hour span
that if you are looking at that,
you feel like shit about yourself.
Because I literally looked at my
calendar and I go,
I had so much to do
yesterday. I had tons to do, but I felt
worthless. That made me feel
worse about myself than it did make me feel better.
And I think most of the self-help stuff
is always laced with like, I'm better than bitch and this is my life and i'm guessing i'm
guessing that i know she posted that calendar to show us how busy she was which is okay we have to
brag otherwise people don't know what we're doing yesterday i was at the muni which is an 11 000
seat outdoor oh my god theater to go see the musical the carol king musical beautiful and i
went with um chris my boyfriend and his mom and she got us tickets it was so lovely but i got there
and i was like oh my god chris take a picture of me with this sold out 11 000 seat or outdoor
pavilion okay take a picture with me And we were kind of in the front.
So it looked like I was like maybe on stage.
And I go, I'm going to post.
We forgot to do it.
But I was like, I wish I would have done it.
I want to post sold out in Birmingham.
Love you guys.
And who the fuck would ever question that?
No one.
People would just go, she's selling out in Birmingham.
I'm going to start doing this i'm
gonna start subtly bragging in my post i want everyone who listens to the show to know i know
what i'm doing right only the besties will be in on the joke that's the genius of it let me hashtag
it with something so everyone knows when i know what i'm doing just hashtag sb subtle brag oh
that's humble brag yeah i'll I'll just hashtag it HB.
But no, no, no, it's not a humble brag.
I'm not trying to do this.
I'm literally trying to manipulate the system to show you that bragging will get me like more things.
And I want you to know that I'm in on it.
But I could have done that.
FHB, fake humble brag.
Yeah, that's good.
FHB, FHB.
Okay, I'll write F.
I'll try to remember to do that. People will just be like, this is a great one. I'm like, no, that's good. FHB. FHB. Okay, I'll write F. I'll try to remember to do that.
People will just be like, this is a great one.
I'm like, no, that was really me just bragging.
And that is an accomplishment of mine.
Well, this is like what J-Lo and famous people do to find out who in their camp is a mole.
They start feeding fake stories to people in their inner circle.
And then if it gets to the inquirer, they're like, all right, I know exactly who.
I can't trust.
That's really good that's
like when you do a you sign up for things and they give your email and you give um you have
an email account that's just for if they sell your date like to those things and then chris sees
or he has like a fake name so if he ever gets spam mail or something that's like to
crunch convi or whatever he's like oh this person sold my data not that he can keep track but it's
a good idea but i i was said to chris i was like what town should i say i'm in because it's like
outdoor summertime and he was like birmingham is perfect because i don't tour there i don't have
enough fans in the birmingham area i never would tour there i don't think it's okay that i'm not
and most people would not question it no one's gonna your tour dates
are also if someone goes was nikki really in birmingham if you go to nikki glazer.com it's
only my current tour date so if i was there last night it's not listed anymore you're not gonna
find it it would be brilliant 11 000 theater in birmingham is hilarious yeah outdoor theater
birmingham i sold it out i'm burt. Okay, well, we'll take a break
and be back after this.
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I just sprayed some of my daily throat spray, immune support,
Beekeeper's Natural.
I got all this shit from my throat
none of it works it's just deteriorating the throat's just hurting no it's just always
irritated none of my subliminal messaging to myself about being the best singer in the world
is happening because i cannot sing i haven't been able to sing for a week and a half two weeks
at this point i cancel my lesson today it. Do you feel like there's something that needs to be said that you aren't saying in your personal life?
Yeah, because.
Yes.
Noah, thank you for saying that.
Stop strangling me, Chris.
No, more.
I mean, that might be impacting your cords.
My dad's a singer and talks a lot.
He never has any issues with his voice i won't i don't want to say never but it's i don't remember any time in my childhood where my dad couldn't sing or had to
take any time off and this happens to me constantly i'm gonna get choked up even talking about it
because it just sucks because it is it is a reflection of like you're not saying something
that's locked inside of you like your throat chakra or whatever I'm fucked I don't know how to fix it and and if
you try to take time off I'm sorry I'm getting emotional if you take time off no one believe
no one believes you that you can't really like hang out so your social life gets diminished
because that's what has to go first so you can't talk anymore people kind of even don't believe
you I went to the concert last night I was supposed to go to dinner with Chris and his mom and I canceled on that because I was like I
can't talk and she's like well I was gonna get us tickets to this musical and I was like well I can
go to that because I can't talk but it seemed like I was just like lying like that sounds more fun
than a dinner I'll go to that and I'm talking at the musical because people are talking to me what
do I say I can't so it just sucks and all i want to do is sing i don't want to talk i
and i can't do that at all and it's just blow i can't even sing along to music in the shower it
just blows i'm just feeling sorry for myself a little bit just letting that out a tiny bit
and then last night i had a like i always have this recurring dream well last night was really
rough i had a dream i was raped and i was watching it oh my god
i was watching my own rape and then two people were doing it it was like him and another guy
and i was going to report it i was watching myself i don't who knows what this even means
well i might because in the middle of the night i googled dream watching your own rape and then I fell
asleep as I was reading the fucking bot description all these dream interpretations are written by
bots none of it makes any sense and so um yeah there's obviously something going on with me
psychologically that I am needing to process because I got raped in my dream last night and
it was really ongoing and it was long and it turned into this whole episode where his girlfriend found out about it and she was gonna cover it up too and I knew I wasn't
gonna be believed there was no way for whatever reason I woke up with this feeling of like
and this person I was like if I ever meet them again I this will be so lasting with me that
they raped me oh that even though this person did not rape me in real life, not even close, I will never, I'll be disgusted with them if I see them.
Like, this is going to solidify it that I will never want to have this person in my life again.
Oh, so the person in the dream is someone you actually know.
Yes, the person who raped me is someone I know.
What do they mean to you?
Obviously, anonymous, but like what what are your true feelings about
this betrayal daily life and like just yeah i guess betrayal and um just me being stupid and
like all all those things unfinished like anger a repressed anger that i haven't gotten to
express and just feeling like an idiot
and feeling like I'm the one who's like the joke.
And I always encounter him and his little cohort
that I feel like I'm the idiot.
I always encounter them in dreams and I never win.
They always win.
I never, the story never finishes the way I used to want it to finish
this is all based on something that happened that I wanted to finish a certain way in my true life
now I do not want that I'm so glad it didn't finish that way but it reoccurs and then I I
always think in the dream like this is my dream I get to finally have this go the way I want it to
it never ever goes that way they always end up laughing at
me and I get physically hurt in some way and last night I was raped what the fuck man and I woke up
like crying and like shaking and like so distraught that I was like oh my god like that really felt
real like that was no that was no nonsense man like that was a different kind of dream yeah
that was like i mean i'm not comparing it to what actual victims feel but man i was in it it was in
and i was watching it which i do believe is like a thing that happens to people not like i'm not
talking like at all like i was raped please don't misconstrue what i'm saying i had a dream that i
was it's like that uber driver
that i met that said that he met jesus and he's like it was a dream i'm like yeah i don't think
you met jesus but it just felt um it was it was wild and so you've been violated in some way in
your real life and your subconscious feels like you have these unexpressed feelings it's like
what you were just saying about your throat chakra you cannot get the stuff out or you feel like you're not allowed
to express yourself and even in the dream not expressing i fucking have a podcast where i
say i want to kill myself sometimes like how what is it probably something i literally don't know
it's something unresolved and in our dreams like The reason we have dreams is because our brain is trying to purge these thoughts.
And it could just be your brain trying to get rid of this issue between you and this person,
but it just keeps getting locked in because it's unresolved.
It's bizarre.
And I do believe in dream analysis to let you know what's going on in your life.
So I'm not saying it's not that.
But I just don't know what's locked inside of me.
I just wouldn't even know.
I just had this with my dad, who's a dream analyst.
That was what he taught in university was dream research.
And he called me the other day and was like, I had the most bizarre dream, and I cannot figure it out.
And then he told it to me.
I'm like, this is so easy.
It's this, this, this, and this. And he was like, oh my God, you blew my mind. Like he has all these unresolved
issues with his dad. And he dreamt that his dad came back to life or they were talking. And he's,
my dad is saying to his dad, like, I can't believe you've been alive this whole time.
And his dad's like, yeah, I've been living in Romeo, Michigan this whole time. Where have you
been? You never come to visit me. You visited your mother. You never come to visit me. And my dad's like, yeah, I've been living in Romeo, Michigan this whole time. Where have you been? You never come to visit me. You visited your mother. You never come to visit me. And my dad's like, I tried to, I tried 20 times to find you. I've never. Anyway, so I'm analyzing this dream and my dad, I go, your, your name is Jerome. You were called Romeo growing up, Romeo, Michigan, you, your dad saying, I've been here the whole time he's saying I've been inside. I'm in in Romeo, he's
inside you. He's always there. He's waiting to connect with
you. And I go also your dad was emotionally unavailable. So
you're saying in your dream, I've tried
I think you're doing dream analysis with your dad and
everything comes back to your dad. Like when you bring a dream
to your dad, is he is he always just kind of like trying to tip
toe around the fact that it's about him like does he ever acknowledge like does he know
about dad issues what do you mean isn't most stuff like isn't most stuff about your dad
like not you but like about you and your dream like you are the rapist you are nikki you are the rapist. You are Nikki. You are Nikki watching Nikki. Oh, I'm the rapist?
Mm-hmm.
You could be.
Hmm.
I don't want to be the rapist.
That's not the way I want it to go.
Usually, your subconscious is trying to integrate stuff. So, you're healing something within yourself.
Oh, God.
It sounds like maybe you think there's a part of it.
Does any part of you feel like
you sold yourself out with this situation like not that situation no no if anything i felt like
i was very authentic and like did for the first time like what i wanted and give didn't give a
fuck and was like i felt probably more myself than ever with regarding that situation or felt like a woman.
So the Nikki in the dream
who's watching Nikki get
raped, what's she
doing? Are you actually in the room?
Eating popcorn.
Eating skinny popcorn.
Just throwing it in the show.
Just having a snack. I'm like, choke her.
Choke her a little bit. This will turn around. She'll start liking it.
There you go. you're healed um i don't know what i was doing all i know is it was a night of like struggles to sleep and then i woke up and i was bleeding you know like it's a period
pre-period i mean i don't think that's all of it because my as my old you know um abusive therapist
my abusive um dr abusive she used to say that when you say like
i'm on my period like i'm really fucking upset right now it's like it's all your emotions are
still what is inside you it's just being expressed there's no more walls up the dam is broke because
you're on your period it's not because your period's giving you these feelings those are
still inside you regardless of if your period's there or not so this whole excuse of like you're wackadoo
because your period yes it might be heightened and it might come out like whoosh but that's
it's not to don't invalidate your feelings because you're on your period just know that
they're heightened for an abusive therapist you had some really good points oh my god i think i
got a lot out of this
lady i'm not a beauty i'll never be a model thank god i'm not a model models hate themselves
models are the most miserable people in the world i always come back to that but you're not a beauty
and you never were um your dad told you you were beautiful at a young age you didn't trust him so
that like you knew you weren't because no one else said it so why would that be why would your dad know this thing that wasn't true so you'll never trust your father um okay i take back what
i said that's a pretty good one though where i was a smart enough kid to be like i know i'm not
a knockout like this is i see girls that are knockouts i see what happens when they live their
life i see the compliments they get i'm
constantly observing what other people get and i don't it's like my superpower wrong your dad
authentically believed you were beautiful yes because he saw the beauty in you yes but i
couldn't trust him because he he he did not line up with what everyone it'd be like saying like
the sky is green and i'm like i know he believes that but he's wrong like he's an unreliable source exactly I can't trust anything
else he says good about me because he's so off about this thing and it's true like he would I
would bring home like a painting or something from art class and he'd frame it and be like
you're a genius he would literally say that and I'd go well this can like, you're a genius. He would literally say that. And I'd go, well, this can't be true
because no one in my art,
no one at school is putting this on a wall.
You know, like there's a lot of people
that are coming to like, are touching this art
or seeing it, it's getting in front of them.
Principals aren't putting it up.
No one's really recognizing it.
So you start to just go well this I can't
really the one person who believes in me I can't trust him because and so I hate this whole idea
of like if there's one person who believes in you they're probably your dad and they probably are
delusional and they love you because they have to and they see beauty in you because you kind of
look like them and they might be a little bit of a narcissist like we all are sorry dad and he loves me anything i do he loves so do you relate to that like when your parents
are like you're amazing like you couldn't really trust i was just like no never said that to me
it was always like something i don't know which is worse yeah it was like
anything i did was not good enough it's like unless you're a doctor
and i'm like i'm eight okay well that's so sad i'm gonna be a podcast no that's definitely worse
i can't imagine not saying those things my mom used to walk behind me when i would walk home
from school i remember being seven or eight and she was going
which means what a beauty look at that she would always be like
look at that posture she has a neck like audrey hepburn look but it was a little fucked up because
it was like yeah she's like cat calling you i know like the creepy guy that follows you and
you're just like okay thank you and then they keep walking behind you and you're like oh god
leave me alone.
Is this a coincidence or does this guy live near me?
I did feel like, oh, I guess I have amazing posture.
So you believed it.
I'm a beautiful girl.
But then I had my dad on the other side being like,
oh, you're going to inherit our terrible self-esteem.
You're going to inherit your mother's Russian nose.
You're going to inherit like he was always
putting these weird ideas in my head of his own insecurities so i had a balance of someone who
really believed in me and loved me and my dad it was like oh you're probably gonna lose all
your friends and you don't have a very strong voice and you'll never sing at the met oh wait
your dad didn't say that that was your dentist okay conflating well like I'm glad I can fact check that one thank you for your dad
um so I sent you this earlier today Anya you didn't see it you have like a million things
I sent you in your Instagram um folder to look at you're I'm like jealous of you it's like a private
reddit feed I've made for you most interesting things oh yeah nine no i should
have put you on all of it too i don't know why i didn't but this one is specific to like anya
because she knows this person i follow this like plastic surgeon and they i'll say they to protect
their identity they posted all these photos of a before and after and then at the very end of this
caption of like highlighting what the girl wanted and then what he decided to they decided to give
her and then what is at the very end it says isn't she the cutest oh my god i can't ever go see this
person ever i will never see a doctor that sums up an entire surgical procedure and shows before and after picture and say isn't she the cutest no does that
make you kind of sick yeah it's i mean i i gotta say the after is cute yeah she's adorable but she
doesn't have on harsh lipstick either true and yeah that lift lip the lip lift is the thing to do. If you're looking to get any surgery, the new thing is a lip lift.
The space between your nostril and your lip is too long probably.
So you should fix it by getting the skin cut out and lift it up.
And then if your lip is just lifted up a bit, that is what is pretty much setting every celebrity um apart from the way you look and
you'll never be as good as them and but don't worry about it but don't worry about it there
are some other things i sent you i said um oh this was this one made me laugh you know what
the bechdel test is oh i forgot what that is a personality test no it's what they run through
movies to see if like a movie passes the bech test. It has to have one scene where one woman talks to another woman and they don't talk about a man.
And it's like no movies pass it.
No movies have one.
All it needs is to pass the Bechdel test.
One scene where two women talk to each other and they're not talking about a man.
What else would they be talking about though?
Well, this one says someone pointed out to me that
oh my god becky look at her butt passes the bechdel test and i haven't stopped laughing for
a week and i loved that they could be talking about a job themselves other women uh the the
anything yeah exactly what else would they be talking about and then i sent you some mean stuff of a cute dog thing,
a Joan Rivers clip, and then a succession
meme. So there's some really tasty
treats in there for you. Oh, thank you. This is my own
personal Reddit dump. I love these. I look
forward to these because I don't have notifications on
so at the end of the day I'll be like, yes,
Nikki sent me a bunch of stuff.
You're my news feed. It's fun
to send stuff, but they
have this trick now on Instagram
where it'll show a vacation spot
and this beautiful water.
It's like the first person you send this to,
if you go to your sends
and the first person that shows up to send this to
is who you should go on this vacation with.
But it's just a way to get people to send things to people
and it kind of works on me
because I'm like,
ah, it's you.
But yeah, you're my first one when I pull it up because i'm mostly sending things to you let me just see you're
always my first okay so this one i'm i'll just do it on instagram so here we go yeah you're my first
then chris then my sister then noah then noah and you then my mom that's a pretty good list okay
you're first you and uh noah are second matt is third my friend
jenny is fourth i send her a lot of stuff and china's fifth and then the nikki gleiser podcast
wait this can't be right because chris convey's seventh i've only sent him something like once
yeah that doesn't make any sense this doesn't make any sense um i went to go see a musical musical last night yeah what did you beautiful beautiful i um so is it like music is it like a
play or is it just like an orchestra play with songs okay it's a musical musical um i think well
i have you rent but i don't like i i loved um into the woods is my favorite musical in West Side Story
but
music
I turned to Chris
at one point
like maybe five minutes in
and go
I gotta write a musical
because the jokes
are terrible
oh Nikki
and this is critically acclaimed
I mean they're just so bad
the dialogue is
awful
I don't remember jokes
there's no
I mean
there was one funny one
where it was like
yeah I've got like and she talks
like brooklyn you know she's like playing carol king and so she talks like this the whole time
she really actually sounded a lot like sherry o terry i was like this seems like the sherry o
terry biopic because she was just like moving like her and kind of just you know jazz hands
about everything because that's the musicals they're just like that and you know they're
like high kicks and um sherry o terry so anyway she just like that. And you know, like high kicks and sherry-o-terry.
So anyway,
she was like,
one joke that I liked
was like,
oh, he'll never go
for a girl like me.
He likes girls like that.
Look at her body.
I've got all,
the places that I'm supposed
to be small,
I'm too big.
And the places I'm too big
that are supposed to be big
are too small.
It's like,
I got the right amount of body.
It's just in the wrong places.
Like, it's like,
stop like that.
Oh my God. It's like, oh my the right amount of body. It's just in the wrong places. Like, it's like, stop like that.
It's like, ah!
And the median age at this 11,000 seater at the Muni,
which I'd never been to in St. Louis,
it's like, it's been around forever.
We said the Pledge of Allegiance.
What?
We sang the, we had to go face the flag
and do the Star Spangled Banner before.
And I go, Chris, what is happening?
And he was like, this is like from from back this place has been around 50 years i'm like so so is like
segregation like we have to let some things go like i don't like this argument of like it's
tradition but happy to be there and it was it was it's gorgeous it's an outdoor country
no and and you know what i'm like you know? I can get into the fucking Star Spangled Banner.
That's insane.
Why not?
But then I was just thinking we arrested Trump yesterday.
I was kind of feeling proud, but I was also like we elected him.
And I was just kind of going through all the emotions during the, it wasn't Pledge of Allegiance.
That would be insane.
Sorry.
It's not a third grade classroom.
Oh, that's what I thought you were doing.
I'm like, that is wild.
No, it was, it was a Star Spangled Banner.
And they had to make the announcement of like, if you can stand stand because most of the audience couldn't i said to chris at one
point i go in 20 years if you just did a click like 20 years everyone's dead here literally have
no it's that old it's really sweet that these people go out and do this at 8 15 at night we
were out to 11 at night um but musicals are just it was fun the singing is amazing like that's the
incredible thing huh hit and she has so many hits but you saw that musical twice yes i went alone
once and then i i know carol's daughter louise goffin she's a friend of mine how did you get
through it twice yeah well go with her daughter and that will make you oh yeah absorb because she's in it the
daughter's like a big part of it well when i told louise i go have you seen it beautiful
initially she's like no i have no interest in seeing that i grew up with my mother i get it
and i was like you gotta see it it's fucking wild and you're do you know that you're in it as a baby
like you're in all the scenes yeah and she just like i felt weird telling her about
it and then a few months later she's like i'm coming to new york i have an extra ticket would
you come with me i was like i would be honored are you kidding so we're i'm watching it with her
and i'm like sobbing through the entire thing because it's just so eerie and like i know her
sort of her history with her family and it you know maybe wasn't all totally you know her
she's a musician we met at a songwriting camp yeah and i was a fan of hers years ago i loved
her first record and was like this is so good and yeah we we wrote some songs together in tulum once
with i literally looked her up afterwards because i go if she is the product of jerry the the
lyricist the lyricist and then carist, and then Carole King,
the composer,
she's got to be musically inclined.
And she was,
she has like a ton of stuff out.
Oh,
she's amazing.
And she's so nice and so funny.
And she has like a songwriting.
Uh,
what's her name on a songwriting session?
Louise Goffin.
But yeah,
it was pretty wild watching it with her.
And then she was like,
you're right.
This was great.
It is great. The music is is great and it's just fun it's just fun to watch like the sets being moved around and like all the stuff that goes into production and like and also to hear their
amazing voices and i have to say i was just jealous the whole time of just like them not
only being able to sing and i can't fucking do anything my throat was burning that it started
burning nothing was happening i was chewing on cough drops and i started having like a reaction I can't fucking do anything. My throat was burning. It started burning.
Nothing was happening.
I was chewing on cough drops.
And I started having a reaction to my jealousy and envy of these young people just belting.
And like, why didn't anyone take me aside and teach me to do this?
I could literally be up there doing this.
Would you want to do that?
Yeah. Do you see yourself in a musical?
I was obsessed with musical theater in high school.
I mean, do I want to do it now yes i mean i
would like to do i'm now i think hoping to get famous enough that someone will like cast me
in something someday you should do chicago i don't like that musical i went into the woods
okay i want to be you already know the baker's wife into the woods. It's an alto role.
No, I can't sing right now.
I thought that was like a rapping part where you're like,
and into the woods and this is the thing.
Oh, I would like to.
Actually, that's the role I want.
I want the role of the witch.
Greens, greens and nothing but greens, parsley, pepper, cabbages and celery,
asparagus and watercress and philly friends and lettuce.
He said, all right, but it wasn't quite because because I caught him in the autumn in the garden one night.
He was robbing me, raping me, rooting through my rutabaga, raiding my arugula, and ripping up the rampy and my champy and my favorite.
I should have laid a spell on him right there.
Could have turned him into a stone, or a dog, or a chair.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
But I let him have the rampy, and I'd lots to spare. But in return, however, I said, fair is fair.
You should let me have the baby that your wife shall bear.
And we'll call it square.
So I had a brother.
No.
But you had a sister.
So I let him have the, uh.
Anyway, that's all I remember.
I could do the rest of it forever and ever.
But, yeah, they did that musical in high school.
And I was obsessed with it.
And I played Snow White. And I had one line in the finale performance. yeah they did that they did that uh musical in high school and i was obsessed with it and i
played snow white and i had one line at the in the finale performance you just you are like a
whore on the prince's shoulder because he is now like let go of the princess at the end and then
he's just like you know a bachelor bachelor now in this wonderland that um this fairy tale land
and i'm snow white and i just had sex with him with my with the girl that's with sleeping beauties on his other shoulder and we just go excuse me
no this is high school i mean that's the connotation that he's he's a lothario now
like he's your professor your teacher at the time is like okay so your motivation is
you just fuck this guy i mean do you know uh high school drama coaches they're all kind of like
that there's always like did you have to wear a black wig um yes yeah yeah but um yeah i was just
like but it was a good i can't imagine seeing that twice though because it's so long and
intermissions have got to go just keep it moving honey i don't need i want to just it's
not that it's i just kept being like we got an intermission and i'm always figuring out how much
more there is to something even if i'm enjoying it thoroughly i'm always figuring out when is this
gonna end why do i do that do you guys do that i'm all the time during everything i almost
googled beautiful the musical running time and i'm like i don't i think they're this is a like
an accordion it's based on what's production but i wanted i'm always run anytime i type in a movie
google knows put in running time because nikki glazer's looking up how long this fucking thing
is that's what i want to know in europe we had to negotiate matt was advancing
all the shows he had to negotiate with every city in europe that we did not want to do an
interval because in europe they do intervals a comedian will do 40 minutes walk off stage
and come back and do another 40 minutes and finish the show and guess why
uh so people can go to the bathroom that but mostly they just want to sell booze
oh it's smart everything's marketing that makes sense but that's why they do it what do you do
indoors doors is an hour long of booze purchasing and drinking time because during because then
people are too scared to get up and get something once the show has started and then they lose out
on and that is the only thing that keeps theaters alive, really.
It's like they get screwed on tickets
just like the artist does.
Like promoter, you know,
like it's all fucked.
They gotta make those concessions.
They gotta.
It makes sense,
but it is hard to do as a comedian.
But it's a long night.
It is a long night.
They do a half hour interval
at most of these places.
You know what I like about intermissions?
They let you,
they give you a chance to go, do I
really give a fuck about the rest of this?
It's like, you know, when you're watching a TV show.
Then you can just leave that musical.
Evan Hansen. Yeah.
I just, I can't
believe that. Oh, you went back and stayed.
Yeah, I went back and stayed. But
I can't believe that people
love musicals so much.
It was really touching to me that everyone in this audience was like,
we,
we go to every single one.
People love them.
And they're so corny.
Like they're really,
did you not think the beautiful was corny?
I thought it was going to be less,
but you know,
it has to be because that's what musicals are.
I'm honestly going to say of every musical i've ever seen
in my life i think beautiful was my favorite because it was emotional i cried a lot that's
what i'm looking for in a show i want to cry i want to imagine crying during that show i don't
care whose daughter was sitting next to me i don't even know where you would have cried and
waitress was so good yeah there's some that some that, I mean, they can be great.
It just, it was, the dialogue just like, you know,
it's just like everything feels like a middle school play.
Everyone talks like this and everyone walks like this
and mimes like this.
And it just like, but I know that's what theater is
because it was based on before we had amplification.
So you had to be very big. You had to play the back of the room and make it so big and it's weird to me
though Carole King's music especially I want to hear it done in the Carole King style not like
tons of vibrato like like it's like musical theater is done in a certain way of like and they sing like this and everything must be like so like and carol king
doesn't sing like that so i found that to be a little jarring do you did you see that yes
you're i wonder who played her but i didn't feel that the singer i think i saw jesse was great
jesse i can't remember her last name anyway she was also in waitress i saw her sing the carol king part and she seemed understated but i remember when i was
hanging out in new york with my some broadway friends they kept having me play this place
called 52 below i think it's called oh yeah 50s i forget anyway it's a broadway place and all the
broadway singers like go there and they have drinks and then they do like an open mic thing. And I was asked a few times to go and I was like, terrified. I'm like,
please no, I don't want to perform with Broadway singers. I don't have. Yeah, it's next level.
And they, my friends who put it on were like, you absolutely have to, they love you. And I
remember I was like, so shocked that these people liked my voice because I have this soft kind of airy voice and I can't belt it out like they can.
And my Broadway friends were like, no, no, no.
They're fascinated by voices like yours.
I'm like, are you just being nice?
And she's like, I swear to God, because they have to sing this way.
And they're like, I don't know.
I don't know.
She might have just been.
Yeah, it's a totally different.
It's it's completely different. And but we associate that. Yeah. I mean, it's a totally different, it's, it's completely different.
And,
but we associate that kind of voice with like,
that's good.
I would love to be able to belt it out like that.
You could with the right training.
You just weren't trained to do that.
That's what I'm saying.
Would you kind of equate it to improv actors?
Who's like,
who don't even do standup.
They just do like the improv theater.
Like the difference between Broadwayway singers and and rock singers yeah and like just or like like a singer-songwriter like anya yeah maybe of like that one doesn't respect the other
shit i'm not gonna say who no i the only reason stand-up comics don't respect improv comedians
is because we don't...
I'll speak for myself.
I don't think I can do that.
And so I have to make fun of it because I fear it.
Oh, like sketch comics?
Is that what that is?
Yeah, like you would be...
And the same for Broadway.
If I'm making fun of a Broadway voice,
it's because I can't belt like that.
So I have to put it down because I'm scared of it,
which is what we do with literally everything in life.
I'm going to take a break.
I'm going to go pee and we're going to come back and do some more.
2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.
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Ways to get Noah.
Do you like musicals?
I do not.
Why? to get no you don't do you like musicals i do not why um i think i just and it's no offense to the
actors or anything like that i do think there's a lot of professionalism behind it but i find it too
corny yes like like what you're saying the same the like the overacting into the music and it's
it was just yeah have you guys watched the idol yet the new hbo thing
is it worth watching i haven't watched it i'm just curious if you've seen it i i don't think
i ever will because i don't want to see an anorexic girl having you know penetrative sex i mean i
watched that but nothing by porn i feel feel like I just don't need to see
Lily Rose Depp being like
I hear there's a scene where she has to be
fully nude and the weekend is like
literally wearing a turtleneck.
I read a lot of things about that
that were not cool about how
the female actors were treated on set.
Me too.
Turns out he might be a bad guy.
Weird. She posted something where she's like i love these guys and my teammates and they were so incredible and i'm so lucky and they love you
guys and there's not a gun to my head and i'm not terrified of not getting work anymore if i speak
out about what really happened speaking i saw that too i watched the four-part Duggar series. I can save you any time you might want to save me.
I watched two parts of it, and I think I can probably finish it for you.
Yeah.
So Josh Duggar touched his sisters when they were young.
We don't have any details about it because they won't speak about it,
so what's the point of the fucking doc?
It's all the evangelical church.
It's that one guy that started the church,
and then he kind of trained Joe Bob Jugger to take this and actually be
proselytized to the whole world through TLC.
He made the show.
They knew about Josh,
the son,
the oldest son touching the little girls.
So they sent him away to a camp or to go build houses in Bolivia where he
wasn't going to be around kids,
except yes,
he was.
And then,
and then um and
then that's where I left off and then they covered it up and they never gave their children any money
when they finally put their foot down and said we're broke we would like some money for the show
we've been working on forever he paid them ten dollars an hour like barely and um they never
unites the Duggars unionized a couple kids, you know, she was pregnant and one of the ones that had been abused.
The interesting part I liked was like these kids talking, these other kids that grew up in the same kind of church system.
I forget what it's called.
IBSL or something.
It's called like IBS.
Yeah, they grew up in the same cult.
They said that when they watched the duggars they related
to this family of like everyone's like placid and always happy and there's no there's no kids
screaming or no spikes of like enjoyment there's no running around there's no playing these kids
are just docile and i'm always watching it being like these these are such good, well-behaved kids, but they're robots.
Yeah, they abuse them as babies.
They teach them to not to be docile.
So if they go off a blanket,
that's a blanket thing.
Wait, this is in the doc?
This is interesting.
Okay, tell me about this.
And the mom dugger, she said,
you just put them on a blanket.
And then when the baby goes off the blanket you just you beat them in the name of god until he gets understands that he's not allowed to
go off the blanket and he's not allowed to cry oh my god so much fun wait she says you beat them in
the name of god or does she say you spank them or does she say something sweeter she doesn't say
beat right you i don't know what they say but basically like
use the the rod of god or what i don't know but they they spank them over and over and and the
baby keeps crying and i i did it once with my son for eight hours until he finally stopped crying oh
my god i can't even handle this what the fuck yeah i just always have to like exercise they do for all the
babies that are born in that religion you know whenever i think of a child suffering i just age
it really quickly and make it so that it's old enough to like try to understand what happened
to it and maybe make peace with it do you ever do that like i can't stand thinking about children
being abused so i just age them really quickly in my mind and go okay cut to 20 years from now when they're fucking drug addicts and you know on intervention nodding
off in a shed after they fucked some guy in a best buy parking lot for enough money to buy
heroin or whatever it was like I just picked even though that's not a better reality I feel like
okay this adult can maybe go to therapy and understand what happened to it and i do the same thing with like really fucked up adults and i go just make them babies
and then you'll like empathize with them like i just do it both ways to like soothe myself yes
that makes sense i gotta stop watching all these documentaries i think for a while maybe maybe i
should watch the idol just well i was you, I was thinking like why because a lot
of the girls like watching the documentaries
and I used to watch documentaries. I just
can't do it anymore. And I think it kind of goes to
the conversation we talked about yesterday
with gossiping because
it is kind of like a gossip tale
on this family. Not that I'm saying they
did anything right or you know
anything like that. But it's like
do they have any of the
children on there to talk about their experience or is it just from like another perspective
so i wonder on the duggars yeah oh yeah it's all the kids it's all the kids they definitely
you know they talk about what happened but yeah not in explicit detail but they do finally come
out that's the problem i'm like i want to know what he did to you. And I know I'm a little fucking sicko that I want to hear the details of.
They do say what they found on his computer.
And there's audio of the police, you know, meeting up with Josh and being like,
Hi, we're here because on these devices there have been, you know, we found this type of child pornography.
And he's like, oh, is it from my devices?
Is there something up with these devices
so it must be my employees or i don't know what's going on here yeah well uh one in um
20 people uh sorry yeah one in 20 people have watched child porn um and that's a current
statistic so just know that that if you are in a group of 20 people
one person has watched child pornography it wasn't your garden variety whatever that means but it was
like incredibly disturbing and violent um so yeah it's my what was the word yesterday noah soul
slashing uh slaughtering slaughtering soul so slaughtering yeah well soul slaughtering but
this but these documentaries
they do make me
so mad
and the Jared from
Subway one
is the other one
that you like
paired with
shiny happy people
that was a nice pairing
like a red wine
and a pasta
yeah
and that one
was fucking sick
but that one
I mean
Chris also watched
both of those
back to back
and I did an impression
of the woman
in the
Jared from Subway one and was just like, what he said to me next will stay with me forever.
And it's like, they don't tell us what he said next.
Like, she just keeps saying shit like that.
By the end of it, I'm like, someone molest this woman.
I'm bored with her.
Not that I want anything.
I was just, and she's a hero.
She went undercover trying to pretend that she was like into kiddie stuff so that she could get Jared from Subway to admit on tape that he likes this stuff.
And she came up with a whole file.
She worked with the FBI.
The FBI then like were not doing anything with all the evidence she was giving.
What a surprise.
Exactly.
They just had this case going with her where she would have to wear a wire and pretend that she was into this fucking guy that she was disgusted by.
She would get off the phone with him and just puke.
Well, they threatened her.
They said what you did was illegal.
So she had to.
She had no choice but to work with them.
Yeah.
At first, she jared without his
knowledge and without working with the fbi she just did it herself because she was a news reporter
she was doing an interview with him at a middle school and she had no idea she was just like oh
this is an inspirational guy that lost a bunch of weight eating subways sandwiches and he leans over
and was like says something about i'm really attracted she didn't even say what he said to
her by the way he never said he said that he he goes i'm really attracted she didn't even say what he said to her by the way we never get that he said that he he goes i'm really attracted to middle school girls why don't we have first of
all why don't we have clips from that interview where she then is interviewing him right after
he said this to her because they literally go three two one he's like i'm really attracted to
middle school kids action and she's like hi i'm here with jared from subway wouldn't that have
been an interesting part of the documentary? And don't look like they,
did they put it in?
It was not in there,
the interview that she did with him.
No footage of that
right after he said that to her.
Oh, the interview.
I thought that there were
no more interviews after that.
No, he said it to her
right before they started
the interview.
And she said,
then I had to interview him
having just heard this
and had to put on a smiley face.
Great point.
Show that.
That would have been interesting.
But maybe there was some legality behind it but so then she so she no she took it upon herself to be like okay he just said that fucked up thing to me i think this guy is up to no good and he is
going on all of these middle school tours to try to get kids you know running and jerking and like he's trying he's trying to get these kids active so he can
fuck them and so she decided to and he's kind of he's into adult women too which a lot of people
that are into child pornography by the way they like adult women too it's not just like one or
the other it's actually very an interesting thing you can hear about on the sam harris podcast that
if you dm me i'll send it to you but um they um so he's he was like into her this woman and she could tell that he was flirty and that's
why he even like kind of shared that with her the middle school girls thing and so then she was like
okay i'm gonna just pretend i want to date him and so she followed up with him and was like
hey like i'd love to hang out and so then she went to his hotel room and recorded him recorded him
and she was so he tried to like kiss her and stuff and she pushed him off and he was kind
of persistent.
So when he went to the bathroom,
she ran out and,
and then just began a relationship with him where she would be like,
I can't see you.
I hate this.
My phone,
my FaceTime doesn't work,
whatever it is,
you know,
the,
the lies that women do to not have to actually see someone.
And I'm like,
I can't get away from work.
The kids, it's so busy so she
would just be talking to him for hours a day on the phone so she finally went to the fbi and was
like look at all this stuff i have and they were like you broke uh federal law by recording someone
without their permission she's a news reporter that's don't cooperate with us exactly but it's
still breaking federal law even to do your own little investigative news journalist thing for your little local Florida station.
And so as I said, if you don't cooperate with us to actually bring this guy to justice, we're going to charge you.
And so she was like, okay.
So then they're telling her exactly what to say on these calls.
And it's so traumatic for her because she has to talk about wanting to fuck kids with this guy and act like
she's into it and so she has him admitting she that he wants to admitting that he's done it in
thailand all these things and they're not doing anything with it they won't go in and arrest him
so she was like i'm just gonna go public with all this fuck it like that'll ruin him that'll stop
him and then she tried to do that and i think they shut her up it was just a it was really it ruined
her life.
It really did.
She has a chronic pain now.
She developed like nervous disorder.
Her children were really gravely affected by it because they knew something was up with their mom.
And her daughter like went into her notebooks one day and found all these notes because she would keep copious notes after each phone call just to have evidence.
Of what he would say.
And then her daughter finds all this stuff and
doesn't know what the fuck it's about and is like ew my mom is like having a disgusting
yeah relationship with a disgusting person and anyway it just tore her whole life apart it's so
sad she couldn't tell her kids because it was an fbi investigation so she couldn't tell anyone it
just like it reminded me of watching the departed the other night and leonardo caprio was like
losing his mind because he's living this double life he could get caught at any second
there's this amazing scene where he goes and he's wired for the first time and if jack nicholson
finds a wire on him he'll cut his head off like and in a very slowly too like saw his head off
i mean this guy's brutal and he's wearing a wire and he's just like sweating so much he goes into
the bathroom and they're listening in the car like and he goes into the bathroom and he just takes it off and he fucking
throws it i feel like he throws out the window or something like he gets it off of him so he can go
back in the room and like chill out because if they catch him it's so that's the movie is so
fucking good i gotta see that you've never seen departed no oh i'm so excited for you to see it
no have you seen The Departed?
But I'll add it to my watch list.
Oh my God.
My mom hadn't seen it. And that's why I watched it the other night.
My dad was at like music practice
and my mom and I were just like
trying to find some reality show to watch.
And then all of a sudden The Departed shows up
and I'm like, you've seen this, right?
Does it take place in Boston?
Yeah.
Listen to this cast.
Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCap this, right? Does it take place in Boston? Yeah. Oh. Listen to this cast.
Jack Nicholson,
Leonardo DiCaprio,
Mark Wahlberg,
Alec Baldwin,
what's his name?
Martin Sheen.
Any women?
And the list goes on and on.
There's so,
Matt Damon,
sorry, Miss Matt Damon.
It's insane.
It is so fucking good.
I can't believe I haven't seen it. And there's the song
in the beginning of it
that I asked you about
when we were in Europe and you were like, I've never heard that before and it's the song in the beginning of it that I asked you about when we were in Europe.
And you were like, I've never heard that before.
And it's the Gimme Shelter, the Rolling Stones.
Oh, right.
Do you know that song, Noah?
Yeah.
Do you know that she says rape, murder when she's like, rape, murder.
It's just a shadow way.
It's just a shadow way.
And she's going, rape, murder.
I had no idea until I watched The Departed.
And I saw the captions.
Like, this woman's screaming rape.
I thought she was screaming, whoa, Jimmy.
I thought she was saying, whoa, Jimmy.
But she was saying, rape, murder.
That's what you say during a rape.
But yeah, it's one of the hottest sex scenes of all time is in that film.
I literally have masturbated to that
scene and i only masturbate to hard work i have seen that part of the movie because you've brought
this up before oh yeah i used to bring it up on the serious show that we had it is they play um
what's uh van morrison is singing i think it's van Morrison is singing Comfortably Numb by... Who does Comfortably Numb?
Pink Floyd.
Pink Floyd, yes.
And it's Van Morrison singing it.
And Leonardo DiCaprio shows up in the rain.
And he's been seeing this therapist who's played by...
Via...
Via Farmiga.
Yeah, like, very familiar.
Via Farmiga.
I think... Remember the sulk on twitter he he made that distinction
once that sounded like very familiar via famiga she's the therapist that leo has to go see
oh i think i have seen this scene and i because i talked about it it nonstop when we lived together. So he's seeing her and she's like horny for it for sure.
And then he is like,
I am going to fucking die if you don't give me pills.
I am in panic constantly.
Like he can't tell her really why,
cause he's undercover and all these things.
But he's like,
I'm going to kill myself and it's going to be your fault.
Cause I need these fucking pills.
And she gives him like some,
she goes here,
some like two and he's like fucking two.
He was like,
fuck you. And then he, he walks out of her office and then she was like she walks up then she chases him down and she's like she hands him a you know a prescription
and she was like we're not seeing each other anymore she was like take this but you're not
my client anymore she starts walking away and she's like just walking then he goes hey since
I'm not seeing you anymore you want to get some coffee sometime and she's like okay and then they go to and then it's like
hot leo's the hottest by the way but then and she's dating the other guy she's moving in with
matt damon's character who is his nemesis during the whole thing but they don't really know it
this is not too much spoilers i promise you so anyway she's moving out of her apartment to go
move in with matt damon who
is his nemesis but he doesn't even know it and she doesn't know it and he and leo shows up at her
place and then it's just a very short scene but i watched it a million times it's the hottest thing
ever it's that tension before they decide that they both want to fuck and if you could bottle
that i'd be on skid row baby if you could bottle if you could
mainline the feeling right before two people who have never it really is the best that's the most
depressing thing about monogamy without question is that no more that feeling the rest of your
life i think you can have it if you if you guys um you break up no well yes through that but also um makeups if if one
one of the partners goes out of town for an extended period of time then comes back
no and then it's not the same as someone that you're like i don't know if they want to fuck
me but i've been thinking about this for weeks and fantasizing about it and this might happen but i don't know and like that that tension
before it actually one person actually leans in you will never have that again ever if you're
married and that is why i think most people were jealous of taylor swift's relationship because she
was having that kind of sex and most people are married and not and And it's a bummer. And with who? Mattie Healy?
Yeah, who she's not broken up with.
But yeah, like that's, does that ever depress you guys?
That you won't have that anymore?
Not until now.
No, that's not true.
I've talked about this before.
No, because I remember very specifically when Avi and I had that moment.
And we, yeah, let's talk about that okay so
it was um so okay i'll just do a little recap it's hot right like was it so hot it was so hot it was
on it was on like president street in brooklyn in cobble hill that she was gonna say president's day
i did too i was like oh did you get a mattress for sale too? And it was after we met for our first date,
after I did the book, Getting To Who I Do, in our DMs.
And we met at a bar and he's like, oh, what do you want to drink?
And I'm like, water.
I don't really drink.
So we ended up going to a little restaurant.
And instead, we just ate and had a good time, good conversation.
And then he walked me to my car. And I was like, oh, you don't have to walk me all the way to the car. restaurant and instead we just ate and had a good time good conversation and then um he like
walked me to my car and i was like oh you don't have to walk me all the way to the car just walk
me to the corner and then um we just kind of like looked at each other and it was so romantic
like it was nighttime and the street light was on us and it was on the corner i can't remember the
it might have been like court street and president Street or something like that and then he just kind of like leaned in and we kissed each other and then I just like
ran away I was like okay I did too the first time Chris and I kissed I ran away because I was like
I got it I don't want to like I don't want to fuck this up by doing anything else this is just
what I wanted I have no plan after this like where are you going yeah he literally was like
he said he'd never seen anyone call a cab like so
quickly wait you kiss and then you ran away and then i like called a cab and then he was like do
you want to come over and i go oh yeah right and then i got in the car i was like i'll see you at
work tomorrow what about you and matt yeah not what it didn't end the way your stories ended
um i'll tell you about the moment that I love that I think about all the time.
It was a hot summer day.
I had just done a silent retreat for like three or five days or something.
He picked me up from this place.
We were not boyfriend and girlfriend,
but I was probably meditating about him the entire time, all horned up.
It was summer.
I was hot as hell.
I was like so horny for him.
And I remember we went to lunch or something and then we came back to his
place and he's like,
do you want to watch stop making sense about the talking heads?
Like the Jonathan Demme documentary.
Have you seen that?
I was like,
whatever,
put anything on.
I don't care.
And we're lying on his bed watching stop making sense.
And the window is open before.
Yes,
we had kissed before,
but it had been like a year and i
was like dying to see him oh yeah that that you're right a year and also you guys weren't together so
this will get it back there before but i was wearing this blue silk dress that was really thin
and i remember when he picked me up he goes i like your quaker dress like he nagged me
it was something like or he goes i like your your Quaker dress. Like he nagged me.
It was something like, or he goes, I like your Mennonite dress.
And I was like, Mennonite?
What do you mean?
And then we're lying there on his bed.
And I just remember there was a breeze from the window.
I'll never forget it.
And my dress was fluttering up.
It kept like fluttering up.
And I'm just like, when the fuck are we going to kiss?
I'm dying.
I'm just like, when is this movie going to be over? I'm 30 minutes into this movie. And I'm just like when is this movie gonna be over i'm 30
minutes into this movie and i'm just like this guy is not making a move this guy is not making
a move and the breeze is fluttering and i'm just staring at my dress and i'm like i am
dying and then i just remember like my arm moved a millimeter and touched the hair on his arm
on his forearm and like i barely pressed into his forearm and
then he like rolled over and that was the beginning yes and i was just like the hottest
moment of my life because i was dying for it for so long yes i mean that's what i'm talking about
like the dying for it like i'm never gonna i i do yearn for my my lover and i like miss him and
there are times where it's like, oh, thank God.
It's never as good as the first time.
It's like the first bite of food.
Nothing's ever going to beat the first bite or the first.
It's just, and that kind of sucks.
Final thought.
That, I don't know, that you have to say goodbye to that the rest of your life and have no more of those.
No?
I don't think so. That was not my first time.
Everyone has to act like they're fine with it
and I don't think anyone is.
I think that wasn't my first time. I just cherish it.
And then it's not the first time
I'm just talking about you're never going to have that
with Matt again.
I mean, you never know.
I could be in Boston
with my client
and giving him pills.
You'll have to be,
there'll have to be some breakup
for that to happen again
is what I'm saying.
So I guess you do never know.
But if things go the way
that we all plan
in marital bliss,
you don't have that feeling again.
Yeah, there's not as much fear,
danger.
What does Esther Perel say?
That eroticism needs danger desire yes yes like even yesterday
when we went to the muni there were some like girls that i either chris like knew for like he
kept saying like there was certain people being like chris and he would go walk over these girls
and it turns out they were just like girls he works with that I've met before and are not threats at all but they
were like cute girls and um and yeah I was like so excited about it like that it made me so much more
into him to feel the threat of like so and not even the threat of like this girl doesn't no one
stands a chance I know that but also it just that really
um that made me feel like alive again not again but like for a little second of like this could
slip away or like i could i have this threatened i need that i really need that you get other kinds
of feelings that you wouldn't normally get with someone that you're not with. You know what I mean?
So could that be the trade-off?
It's a fun buzz and it's exciting.
You can feel those feelings too.
Like this unconditional love.
Like everyone talks about these.
No, I understand that.
And I do like the things that
the intimacy I have with Chris is
nothing can ever touch that.
But it doesn't spike my dopamine levels it just doesn't like
the solid ground of like having a partner who will always have your back it doesn't make my
brain itch it just it will never do that and that's just science yeah it's such a drag that
those dopamine hits are the ones that i remember from my life all happened when i didn't have anyone
having my back so the stuff i was craving was like a guy i could count on too but you know i
would have these dopamine hits once every i don't know eight months or something or the other night
yeah we're talking about like just wanting a man to like like stare at us and just be like marvel
at us like i can't believe she's my girl and like always protect us and just be like marvel at us. Like I can't believe she's my girl.
And like always protect us and like have a gentle arm.
Like I send pictures to Rachel all the time.
I've talked about this before.
Of just men's like nurturing hands on the back of their women.
And Chris does that to me.
It just feels so fucking good.
Of just like last night he had his hand on my leg.
And like I didn't want to move because I didn't want to like stir it you know when your dog like rests its head on your and you just don't want to move
at all because you know your dog will be like i don't care anymore and like i was just like oh i
want to move but my leg was like cramping but i was like i can't stop getting this whole i like
want it so bad um but i do believe what i think i just realized is that yes you can argue all day long that no
marriage provides and monogamy provides these stable feelings and all this good stuff it's true
it's good for you it's like good for your soul people live longer who are like paired up it's
like what we're meant to do but you do say goodbye to awesome feelings it's the same as quitting alcohol or
quitting drugs like you anyone who's listening to this who has given up a substance knows that yes
your life does improve in these really boring ways and these ways that just make that but there's no
more spikes there's no more like whoa the girls. Like there's, you're not saying the girls are here anymore to anyone if you don't drink.
No one's ever proclaimed the girls are in the house.
Unironically, if you don't have booze in you.
So you'll never do that again.
I will never be like, what's up y'all?
Woo.
Like I'll never be that excited about anything.
I don't know, dude.
I will never hear like an usher
bass beat and be like uh-oh uh-oh what's up like I'll never it'll never happen because I don't have
alcohol coursing through my brains to behave that cut to Nikki puking in the shower no I mean like
you quit drinking for a reason but there are great there are things about it that made me feel amazing.
And there are things about it that I miss so fucking much.
And there are things about,
if I did,
I have ever done cocaine,
I think I would have missed those feelings too.
Like you're giving up something when you say goodbye to these things.
And to,
I don't know,
like,
I just can't get on board with monogamy being like,
it's all good.
And there's no downsides the
fact that you'll never have a crush on someone again you'll never wonder like that's not true
you will you're still gonna feel attraction to people i mean i know when obviously he's a hot
girl that's like smelling food without eating it it's boring you'll never get to eat it
yeah but i guess like the way i think about it is i could have attraction to someone and like
flirt with them but i get to be saved from that like extra step that i like i don't like when
they finally hit on me and then i have to say no it just it could just kind of linger in that like
purgatory yeah that's kind of fun actually and yeah too and i I wouldn't be in a relationship if I valued all of these things more than a relationship.
Like, why would I choose that?
That's not what I'm saying.
Right.
In case Chris sees this and is like, then why are you with me?
Because I would probably feel the same way if you were saying these things.
I'm just saying there are even for I'm constantly like, really me forever.
No one else ever again till you die. You don't get to live again. You know that, right? Like, this is it. You don't get any dick probably the rest of my life any different dick
I don't I will not I would not sign a contract that says like I still want like anything could
happen that's what I want for the rest of my life and I won't admit that my parents are gonna die
someday I won't admit like admitting that I will never have a crush on someone and maybe like a first date with someone again is a tiny death to me that I'm not willing to give in fully to.
Even if I do get married, I will still be like, there's always divorce.
Like, and not that I want that.
I don't even want it.
I just need a trap door.
Is that relatable at all?
Yeah, totally.
Like just the way that I think about my parents dying.
I know they're going to die. I know that I'm probably going to be with Chris for the rest of my life
but and if I marry him I certainly will know that but I still won't I don't want to think
about the fact that it actually me and it's all fear of death it's really essentially like I'm
not going to get a second time to do any of this shit again. The fact that I'll never be 17 again, the fact that I'll never be 27 again,
all of these things really depress me.
I hate, I'll never have this day again.
The second, I'm one second closer to death now.
It's all just fear of death, I think, is ultimately what this is.
I used to have a joke that was like, men don't want to become your boyfriend
because they think if I go from being casual with this girl to a boyfriend, I used to have a joke that was like, men don't want to, you know, become your boyfriend because
they think like, if I go from being like casual with this girl to a boyfriend, then boyfriend
equals like the next step is engaged. And then the next step is marriage. And then marriage is
forever. And then I'm dead. And then it's like, makes you think of death. It's a very close way.
You know, commitment is a close, close way to remind you that you're gonna die someday because it's like till the word death is in uh vows it's crazy but i realized that joke was my fear all
along that's what i'm scared of it's relatable i was projecting it onto men who didn't want to
date me but the truth is i was choosing men who i didn't want to date me because i'm terrified to
find someone that i'm forever with and it fucking freaks me out and that's probably why i'm having dreams where i'm getting raped
every night on that note i tried to get some dopamine out of matt last night we were having
dinner i lit candles then i was i looked at him i was like so when did you know i was the one and he's like uh i don't really believe in the one
i'm like all right uh well when did you know like you wanted to marry me he's like i don't know babe
it doesn't matter this like this is not going how i wanted i was like i'm trying to get something
romantic out of you he's like they don't remember they don't remember these they don't i bet avi
is probably like oh yeah that night i don't remember these they don't i bet avi is probably
like oh yeah that night i don't know were we in manhattan like he probably wouldn't be able to
place the cross or does he we relish that night yeah no he uh he's very good about it but um
i don't know i just feel like there's nothing and and even if someone put you in that position
on you where it's like do you remember remember that and how we fell and all?
It's like, maybe it's just uncomfortable to talk about it and being put on the spot.
He did finally come up with a good answer.
First, he said, well, he goes, I guess the way we fight is good.
I'm like, the way we fight?
Your impression of him is hilarious.
That's how you decided you wanted to marry me.
He's like, I mean, we do fight pretty.
I feel like we resolve our conflicts.
I'm like, I wanted something romantic.
He goes, okay, okay, hold on.
I like that you're funny.
You made me laugh and I laughed a lot with you.
And I think I just knew, you know, she's weird.
She's funny.
I like that we laugh so much so i guess that was
when i kind of nice yeah yeah i'll try to ask maybe i'll call chris right now and ask him when
he knew hold on speaker yeah i think he's probably napping but let me just uh i like how he resolved
yeah that's like i like that you don't cuss me out and say fuck you dick and leave the room
whatever you're doing it's not that is actually pretty cool.
He's going to be like, why is she calling me?
He's going to answer like there's no emergency.
It's true that you're in trouble.
I know.
Or he's in trouble.
Babe, I just found.
Come on.
Oh, he's asleep.
Are you going to reach Chris?
Oh.
Tell me why you love me.
When did you know?
He'd just probably say the same thing of like, you're funny and you're weird.
Maybe he can text it to you and we'll post it on Instagram.
So besties have closure.
He won't allow that.
He won't.
Because I'll go, if I say it's going to go on Instagram, he'll be like, I can't.
I don't.
It'll be too much pressure for him to write something perfect it just won't there's no way i'm glad he
didn't even pick up because i doubt he would have he would have been like i'm not doing this like
he has to like think about things yes no i would have told him i'm not like that bitch in that
jared fogel dot i'm just kidding i love her so much thank you for your work um all right you
would say what can i say glaze she's like no other you
know i just knew when i saw her this lady no he did not know when he saw me no he was just like
i get like i guess this i think she's into me i don't know like he was confused by it yeah no he
did not know right away at all at all i've i've hunted this man down i know i'm a mastermind told me that too he goes uh when did
i know uh when you told me you were the one yeah listen to the song mastermind by taylor swift and
that is how i feel about my relationship and so do all of us because that is it's like we we read
a book bitch to get this locked down oh all right thank you for listening to the show this week
um we'll be here next week
don't you even think we won't um have a great weekend i'm gonna be in vegas with david spade
july 30th and 31st i'm gonna be in highlands california um the 24th and i have a bunch of
tour dates let me look them up really quick once september's chicago illinois yes i'm
september 15th chicago september 16th peoria uh englewood new jersey calgary uh napa
wheatland california san francisco i can't even it's controlling past too fast this is the worst
graphic i've ever seen who did my oh there then there's i'm like no one can find their date
detroit um pennsylvania ontario portland um atlantic city uhhoboth Beach, Delaware
Baltimore, Boston
Lawrence, Kansas, Riverside, Iowa
San Diego, California
and that is not even all of them
we're still adding more
so thank you guys for coming to see me live
thank you for listening to the podcast
we'll see you next time
just don't
dream what I dreamed last night
Joel the holidays are a blast And just don't dream what I dreamed last night.
Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.
If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.
That's right.
I'm Joel.
And I am Matt.
And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances
so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all,
make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got,
and just feel more in control of your money in general.
You know it.
For money advice without the judgment and jargon,
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I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story.
And what I heard wasn't good.
You really f***ed last night.
It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout.
I was trapped in addiction.
You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls.
And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story.
Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025.
I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips.
Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide worried that you're not enough we got you self-obsessed
and want to get over yourself there's a guide for that too the happiness labs how-to season
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