The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #351 Nikki Wouldn't Date This Woman, Question For Rob Thomas & General Genital

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

Taylor McGraw is back by popular demand and she has more than crime under her belt. Nikki hits the pod bingo card and goes off about Taylor Swift's new song and something they have in common. They talk about the cast of The Ultimatum: Queer Love and lesbian sex habits. Nikki gives a little recap of Brian Frange's wedding and a teaser about what he will share when he returns from his honeymoon. Nikki and Taylor have a huge night ahead: they are going to see Matchbox 20. Nikki shares the DM she sent Rob Thomas before the girls all gush about him. Nikki and Taylor explain what a Duhnuh is. They all share when they know a relationship is over. Anya has been dubbed General Genital and asks a question pertaining to that area. Nikki doesn't understand why more kids don't drown in public pools and Taylor has her own string theory. In the Final Thought they find our who would rather be in bed with a spider, snake or rat. --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's Nikki. I'm Nikki. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. I forgot what I said at the top of the show. I don't want to do it again. Welcome to the show. I'm so excited for the show today.

Brian is still away. Brian Frangie, he got married this past weekend. We'll talk about that. He's not on the show because this is kind of his post-wedding week off. Yeah, postpartum week off. And so, not in his place, but just here with us today in studio in St. Louis with me is, backed by popular demand, Taylor just here with us today in studio in St. Louis with me is, back by popular demand, Taylor McGraw.

Hey. Train jumping. Yeah. Klepto. Crime fighting. I have other qualities besides crime. Butterfly. Fascinated in JonBenet.

Like, leading expert in JonBenet, probably within a hundred miles radius. Insect preserving. Insect preserving. Oh, yeah. Screen replacing. Insect preserving. Taxidermist. Oh, yeah. Screen replacing. Thrift shopping. Car painting. Yeah.

Yeah, you replaced your screen. You have a degree, too, though. You actually have things that you could say after your name. Besides these things we're just attributing to you. What's your degree in? I'm an MA. I could be Taylor McGraw MA, I ma i guess master's degree in what psychology but m what's a stand for arts let me give you a fake cv like taylor tell me how close i am taylor mcgraw has worked in emergency rooms working with high risk patients who have experienced schizophrenia and serious mental illness.

Yeah, sure. Is that good? That sounds great. That's really good. And I like the use of CV. That's very European. Oh, I don't even know what it is. Isn't that curriculum vitae? Is that really it? Yeah, it's like your Isn't that what it's... Curriculum vitae.

Is that really it? Yeah, it's like your vital curriculum? But it's a resume, correct? Yeah. CV. It's more... It's the same thing. Yeah, basically.

It's more bullet pointy, I think. Okay. And I call it a resume. Resume. She's also a writer and illustrator. She... Oh, my God, guys. She has so many facets.

Yeah, yeah. And facets... Sit down. writer and illustrator she she has so many facets yeah i'm fast sitting you guys have facets too i actually thought of you today because on the street it says never wait never stop improving on these signs that are like construction signs for the hospital near me and taylor one day was like you could read that as never stop improvvinging. Like, they're always just, like, freewheeling it in there. Like, never stop. What are we gonna do this time? I don't fucking know. They're, like, yes-anding each other.

By the way, I once dated a guy. That's the same exact word. I once dated a guy, Nikki knows who I'm talking about, who seems like he just learned the phrase yes-anding, and if you don't know what that is, it's just what they do in improv,

where someone suggests something. Then you need to start improv-ing. If you don't know what that is it's just what they do in improv where someone suggests you need to start improv if you don't yeah yeah never someone like suggests an idea and the the good improv actor or sketch person will say yes and to that meaning they won't like poo poo the idea and switch the track or like the subject. Yeah, you should always be like to keep the flow going. Do you know that about improv? Yeah, but that's also therapists. Oh, you yes and? Yes and. Oh, really?

If someone's like, so I want to kill my brother. Are butts ever good? How about your mom? Okay, so what about this guy? He just would use this phrase constantly and he was kind of yes and he would always use it in a metaphor he'd be like i was at this broadway show and it was just so wonderful to meet all these people there because everyone honestly you guys can probably figure out who this is from her impression it's someone you would recognize

by their voice wait say it again do it again be like you know with a sign of a good friend to someone who's yes anding a lot you know and i'm like you're using this phrase constantly like you should not be using yes and thrice it's like when everyone learned the word wheelhouse and everyone started using it too much arapa industry or i wear many hats i really think of them as wearing I only want you to say that if you wear lots of hats

and then if you do I don't want to really know you if you're cop hat policeman firefighter Stetson Stetson

I wear many hats really grosses me out but you an actual hat joke that I made in a Seth Meyers late night set that taylor swift actually put in a song so she has this new song which one is it uh i cried over a

hat oh yeah okay so it's in the um the new song uh i think it's you're losing me no it's um what's the hits different okay so in the bridge of hits different, she goes, I find the artifacts cried over a hat, curse the space that I needed, but cried over a hat. I did a joke that I was like, when you're going through a breakup,

you'll cry about any, you'll cry at the drop of a hat. You'll be like, he wore hats. And I'd chase a hat down the street. And I was like, that's kind of the same thing. Like,

was she maybe going for that? Cause she's talking about a breakup. I find the artifacts cried over a hat. I don't know if she did that many. But it made me excited that I was on the same path. I mean, I guess she just is meaning that I find the artifacts

of her relationship and she finds an old hat. A beanie. A beanie. It's definitely a skater boy. Seattle skater boy. She finds a beret and is like, Beanie. Yeah, beanie. It's definitely a skater boy. Seattle skater boy. She finds a beret and is like, thank God he's gone. Thank God you broke up with that one beret guy.

Nicky. Yeah. So Taylor and I were, I was trying to explain the new show that Anya and I are watching to you with Ultimatum. I really think besties need to get on board with it. It's queer Ultimatum and it's all women or

I guess none of them are non-binary. I think there was one girl where they were tossing around them for a bit but then they went to she and then it was like no problem. So I don't know. You caught that too? Yeah. So I think they all identify as women. Who gives a shit? It's just queer ultimatum. Not who gives

a shit like I don't care what you go as but who gives a shit for me telling you that's just it's queer ultimatum not who gives a shit like i don't care what you go as but i who gives a shit for me telling you that okay so queer ultimatum is awesome because ultimatum if you don't know it's all these couples where one person is like i want to get married and the other person is like i like how things are the other person does it's not like a couple that wants to break up they both are happy with the relationship but one is happy with the status quo and one is like I need to get married or I'm done. So it's an ultimatum.

And then they all get put in a mix. So it's five couples that all get thrown in together and they all meet each other and the gist is and they all sign up for this they break up

in quotes and then they all go live with another person they choose after they mingle over like a weekend. Oh they choose them. Yeah.

Yeah. So they meet and they all date each other. What if nobody chooses someone? They just stick the last few with who? Yeah. You can tell that producers are just like, well, you guys just like try. But it ends up everyone kind of agrees on it.

Like people gravitate towards and they all gravitate because it's a queer edition. They all gravitate towards each other's partner. So they're like mostly swapping because it's like the same kind of person or the same kind of dynamic. One person doesn't want to get married the other person does one person's avoidant one person is secure or one person is um what's the opposite of avoidant uh securely attached anxious anxious yes so um there's that ma and so mama's coming out so gonna have to help me out mama because there's a lot of that going on in here. So then they all picked different partners and they live together for three weeks with

this new partner and they don't talk to their exes at all. They are completely like doing this experiment of like just and they called a trial wife, like they're acting like they're married, which is a new kind of concept. There was an ultimatum that wasn't queer that already happened and i was telling taylor the biggest difference and this isn't spoiler is that no one be fucking no one be no none of these women some of them i'm not saying who but some will go the entire time of those three weeks sleeping in the same bed together calling each other trial wife and won't even hold hands or kiss.

And I go, what are we doing here? Like this isn't. Wait a second. I thought. Yeah. I'm on episode five. What episode are you on?

Yeah, dude. They're having some fun in the dark in the secret cameras. There's one couple. There's a lot. One couple. That's the only one

you're getting. What about night one, the blonde with the huge bazooms? Yes. There's so much more to her than that but I can't think of a single thing. And Mal, yes. She's 24. The blonde with the

huge boobs is 24. Get right in bed together and start like cuddling watching a film. We don't see any kissing from them. But can you imagine doing that? You break up with Chris. The next night you You break up with Chris. The next night, you're in bed with Jake. Okay, but I'm talking... I understand the next night.

I give these... In the ultimatum, the first version with Straties, they were kissing by the end of the first week. I mean, it takes a little time. So I'm not asking these people to jump right into things. But the whole three weeks, I don't really care anymore about the show if you're not going to attempt to like kiss and get with someone else

that's what makes this interesting but it turns out which the ultimatum did not tell us is that they all agreed with each other before they broke up that they wouldn't do anything physical with each other yeah now this is such a woman thing i really i told chris i was like the reason this is happening and he i was like is because they're women and they can't stay it's like this i think there's something to that because most of my female friends couldn't imagine their partner being with someone else and so i think and most men are territorial as well so i don't know why this why is this happening on this show more than and the only people that hook up betray that promise by the way right so there is a spoiler

here and if you got here here's a belated no there's no spoiler you're not gonna know you're not gonna know who did it okay but you're if you're watching on ep one hoping that somebody fucking on ep two you just found out they're not. Well, no. No one's watching it to see if they fuck. I'm just telling. So, yes, that's a spoiler. I want them to.

Well, guess what? You should be mad about it then, too. I'm pissed. Because why the fuck aren't they fucking? Well, did you notice this as well? That no one is being intimate until, like, the last sec, where it's like, come on. I just assumed they were. I had a different response I was like these fucking hoes are just aren't showing it to us

spooning on like the afternoon of breaking up with someone you don't think a reality show if they had footage of these two kissing would show it you think they're sitting on that footage but then we gotta watch but instead they're choosing her going out to lunch with a friend she hasn't seen in four years who's like hey you look happy and different like those scenes i could

fucking throw them in the trash let's get some action in here even if it's just hand holding i want to see anything so in my mind anya they're not not showing us things because if they had it as a reality show producer they would show it yeah Or fake it. Yeah, I thought they were being like polite or like having a little risk. No. But they're definitely getting cozy. No one working in reality TV is respecting anyone's boundaries. Don't you think that they told them they need to do that? How much cozy can you watch?

No, no. And what I do know is that they purposefully withhold that information from us as a viewer that they all promised each other because that comes out later on and you go, well, what the fuck am I watching this for? I would never watch a show where everyone agrees to not get physical with the other person they're supposed to go be physical with. That's the premise of this fucking show.

It's about consent and I didn't consent to see boring TV. Thank you. It is good. So when I talk to my male guy friends and they tell me about their hookups and stuff and they can just go to like a day spa and jerk a guy off and stuff like that and then it's over. Yes.

And you know like and then. Less emotion involved. Yeah. There's absolutely no emotion. Or vulnerability. Yes. Yeah. It's just like for fun.

You have a need. I have a need. Let's get it done. And I'm not saying that's all gay sex. It's just kind of like, or yes. Yeah. It's just like for fun. You have a need. I have a need. Let's, let's get it done. I'm not saying that's all gay sex. We're not generalizing. Not at all. I don't want to make a stereotype.

Part of the gay sexual experience I've found and have heard is that they can do it without any emotion or like, is he going to call attached to it? Yeah. It's, it's like a completely, and I'm fascinated by it. That's why I love to hear stories because I cannot relate to it at all.

I know I wouldn't be able to do something like that. So do you think, I mean, I don't have any lesbian friends actually. So do you think that it's kind of similar to us where like it takes us forever to like hook up with a guy and there's all those nerves too? That's a really good point is that they need to build that emotional connection before the physical can happen. And I just thought there would be because there are so many. Well, you've been in a relationship with a non-binary person, Taylor. Mm hmm.

Do you find I found or I thought because some of these women present more masculinely and I've been around lesbians who hit on me hardcore and it feels exactly like a man who just wants to get his dick sucked hitting on me you know like the same kind of like i just want sex kind of thing i thought we would have more of that from some of the more masculine energy women yeah i was surprised about that i would think that the lesbians would be hooking up way more than the straight people. Or falling like fast, quick. Yeah. U-Haul lesbian. Yeah. Yeah. But it's just,

it's good though because in the original, the one with all the straights, you only got to choose the other, they can choose, there's a bigger pool to choose from

because it's all women as opposed to half being the sex you're not attracted to. So it's just better. And it's just interesting. And you just get to watch relationship dynamics and judge other people for things you do in your own relationship. And it brings up good conversations when you're watching it with your partner.

And you see manipulation happen. Or certain people remind you of people you've dated. Yeah, there's a villain on this one and oh yeah i was i was wondering what you thought of the villain character nikki do you did you empathize i think she talks with her teeth like in an amazing way where it's almost like that's how i'm supposed to be singing is every time that you open your mouth it goes all the way open this is how I'm doing my vocal exercise. This is how you're supposed to sing.

A little more. Yes. Because it's a strong jaw. She looks like Natalie Portman. She's gorgeous. She's one of the most stunning people. I think she's one of, she's just like the type of, she's the girl that I had a crush on my freshman year.

Kat and I both had a crush on this girl in our hall our freshman year. It was the first time we ever felt like a little gay and we couldn't help it. I was like, I think I'm in. Her name is Marissa. Yes. And she's like a volleyball player, but she looked like Vanessa. And I was like, I'm thinking about Marissa a lot. I think I like love her. And Kat was like, she's so hot. We were both like, I don't know if I wanted to be her or be inside her. But anyway, she looked like this Vanessa girl. But my take on Vanessa is that she's like fun. And at first she's like the most fun and the most spunky. And everyone's just like delighted by her.

And she's just like, let me ask you a crazy question. Like if you were an ice cream topping, what would you be? Like she just is like, and she asks a lot of questions that she wants to answer. Right. That's like her thing. And someone even calls her on it um and everything always comes back to her but i'm beautiful right let's talk about my beauty i like her and i'm sorry i like her and it's does she hook up so fast no i mean no no that wasn't that fast that was like two weeks in oh was it okay yes but she is the she goes the farthest i think no she does not yes their whole dude the p word comes up

penetration all because of pussy yeah but you don't think xander and oh yeah xander yoli are fucking wait can you even ask xander? She goes, did you, mouths? Did you use, because lesbians call sex fingering, by the way. Didn't know that. Didn't know that. What? Do your little sound. Also the sound I make when I'm getting fingered.

Yeah, yeah. This girl fingers another girl, not saying who. And they're all like, they had sex. And I'm like, what? Like, I thought sex was like you know a lot more things have to happen than a light fingering

so you can have sex at the movie theater if you're a lesbian. You could go da-na-na-na yeah yeah Linus Morissette could

but like fingering someone lightly do you think the lesbian community considers that sex? Yeah because they don't have a penis and that is their prerequisite for calling it sex for heteros so are they thinking that heteros when we finger each

other is sex too does that no they just that's all they get man let's say i was in a relationship with a woman and then i got fingered by a guy and she's like you had sex with him and i'm like uh no i didn't but according no i don't think they would say that that's not fun that's not fair then because i sometimes i don't want to have have it mean sex with someone so if i was dating a woman and she fingered me i would not want her to think she had sex with me well i think it's more like you're also like humping and you can do it at the same time if you're naked and like yeah doing that and i don't think it's just that i don't think they would call this sex. They would call that like foreplay.

That's what they did the whole time. Can't wait. I did not get on this show. I mean, watching it, not actually on it, although that would be kind of interesting. Yeah, I was like, I think her relationship is pretty good. I don't think either of them are ready to serve in the ultimatum. Let me just become gay again so I can do that. Yeah, but then one was like, she was like, we hooked up

and they're like, did you do mouth stuff? I miss that. Because her mouth's always open, but she was like very wanting to know about mouth. And then Xander's like, I don't want to answer that. And it was pretty much like, I'll tell you when we're not on camera, okay? But guess what? If someone dodges a question about mouth stuff, you did some mouth stuff. Yeah.

You got mouthy. What I found so interesting is that a lot of the ones that seem the most needy at first in episode one, the most hardcore ready for marriage, they're the ones that flip the fastest and all of a sudden want to marry someone new. Because then they meet someone who actually is available to them and is not avoidant. So the ones that suddenly, the ones that are constantly wanting to get married to this person that's avoidant, they are forced to do this experiment because the other person they're in a relationship really wants to fuck someone else. Really,

they're all kind of reluctantly like, I guess I'll do this. But like, I love you. You know, I want to get married to you. And then they are forced to then go be in a relationship with someone else. And some of them end up with secure people or also more anxious people. So then they find someone who's actually wanting what they want, which is this thing that they've... But they wouldn't be with them otherwise

unless they were forced by the show. Right. They wouldn't choose that person. Yeah, they would choose a carbon copy of... And some of them do choose the same kind of person in their last partner. But yeah, that is. Are there any women you absolutely could not date on that show? Like any personalities that you're like, oh, yes.

Tiff. Yes. Wait. Tiff and her fucking dog. We'll get to that after the break. One second. We'll be right back. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to

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in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Okay, we're back. So, sorry to talk about the ultimatum of a show you probably haven't seen, but there is one girl in there who's like,

if you don't like my dog, then sorry, fuck you. You're out. I'm like, your dog is a husky. It's 12. It's going to be dead in like three months. So, you should probably have a plan for love after this. It is. Those dogs don't live that long.

The dog is 12. She's a little aggressive. Like, it really is. Is she also husky? You can fuck right off if you don't live that long the dog is 12 she's a little aggressive like it really is she also husky you can fuck right off she is yeah yeah she gets mad at this really sweet woman she's living with who's just like she's like i just feel like you like don't even like my dog like you have it she's like i love animals like i am a gentle kind person oh yeah well you know what i sleep with my dog and if you're not into the dog in the bed, you can fuck right off is what I just realized. I feel like I've been making so many compromises and there's been none from

you. I didn't say I didn't like the dog. I'm done. And then there's Aussie who's like, there's this one woman and her, her girlfriend's like, we need to like talk every time she wants to confront her about something. She like is i can't have this conversation right now i can't do it i can't do it i'm just not i'm just not not gonna have this conversation with you right now and the one's

like when can we and she's like i need to meditate first i need to be in the right state of mind i'm not gonna have this conversation oh i related to ozzy because it was a spicy litty and it was like you don't like my fucking tone. We're going to talk now. And Ozzy's like, not with this tone. I'm afraid I'm going to go outside and walk the dog for the third time. I agreed with Ozzy the first time. The tone was a little much, but this girl eventually just wants to have a conversation. And it's, guess what?

It's going to be a little heated because it's about, they're criticizing each other, you know? So Ozie literally goes i mean her name is aussie yeah she's like i'm not running away i'm not running away and she's putting on running shoes she's like i'm leaving but i'm not running away i'm she's like lacing up these nikes it's so funny but then um and then she like we're spoiling this whole thing but anyway um it's a fascinating little trip into um lesbian culture that i quite enjoy and then um so uh other things i want to talk about uh went to brian frangie's wedding we'll do a better recap on that when he is here but it was so pretty and lovely we went out to colorado grand lake you have to land in denver and then drive like two and a half hours up to this beautiful little town so picturesque so um mountainous and

um it like hailed minutes before his ceremony so it was like insane that like we all and you just walk from your cabin to the little nuptial knoll um which i was like that was the only knoll i've heard of besides the grassy one there's another kn gnoll. Yeah, there's one other gnoll. Nupshul gnoll. The nupshul gnoll. It sounds like a threat. Yeah, that's probably where the ultimatum, like, they do the final elimination rounds. The nupshul gnoll.

So, yeah, it was so beautiful. And it, like, was crazy weather right before the ceremony. And then the sun came out and it was beautiful. And Brian was, his vows were so funny. He has a copy of them. He's going to read them for us. Yes. When he comes back next week, he'll be back on the show next Wednesday.

So funny. Will you punch up my vows? I haven't even started them. He wrote his in the morning. The thing is, the bar is so low. I'm not saying, Brian's were funny. But he's an incredible writer. And no, it wasn't about the, yes he is, bar is so low i'm not saying brian's were funny but they were just and no it wasn't about the right yes he is but it wasn't about the writing it was just he was just

honest you know like you know how brian is he just like the way he talks is funny yeah and it was a it was a grouping of everyone who knows and loves brian and brian is a interesting character he had like 12 close personal friends from high school there. All of their wives. Everyone's like, no. Brian has like a cast of white net of friends. It was really fun. Adam Conover was there from Adam Ruins Everything. Amazing reception with great dancing.

Some critiques there, but we'll, not about his dancing, but about the music. We'll get into that. We know he's a good dancer. I heard a little. A Taylor Swift song finally came on and Brian came out to me and I'll just say this he just goes is this acceptable and i said absolutely not and that's that's where i'll leave that because it was just the it was so but it was so funny that it wasn't it was better than if it would have been good um but otherwise we i mean we had so much fun dancing and just seeing brian so happy but his his vows were incredible her vows were incredible. Her vows were incredible.

And then the speeches were really, really funny as well. And Brian apparently didn't get any sleep before his wedding day. Did not sleep one wink throughout the whole night, which I think he put on the Instagram. That's where I saw that exact stat, because he was. So one of the reasons was he was so nervous about his best man speech, who he ended up. Why? The best man. Why? I'll just say the so nervous about his best man speech. Who he ended up, the best man, I'll just say the last line of the best man speech.

He said something, he's just like giving him shit the whole time and he goes, and like, Allie loves you, Brian, despite being this and this and also being on strike from a job you don't have.

That was so funny. So shout out to Adam, I think his last name's Steinman. Adam Steinman, who does IT in Long Island on Long Beach. Long Beach, Long Island. Is that a place? Very funny guy and had one of the funniest speeches, even though he was up against comedians on it.

And then, yeah, it was a great time. What was your favorite part? Watching Brian walk down the aisle. I watch watching brian walk down the aisle like you know you like i know men don't walk down the aisle but like walking in was he wearing his kodopaxi no he wasn't he wore it at every other thing and yes he did wear it at the reception right away um he just wanted to be comfortable and he was also wearing his fanny pack the night before like the beauty intro dinner why was that your favorite part because he looked so happy i was just like i started crying as soon as i saw him because i guess he's someone that i don't see like a lot of people are saying he's not emotional and i'm like no i see emotion from him all the time

i don't know i was just so happy for him i think and then you just like hearing there he was so you just we'll we'll talk about it the reason is all locked inside his vows because the way he started his vows the way he kind of talks us through his life before he met ally and then what ali brought to his life and um he said one thing that really was so sweet that i'll just share that was like because i'll i remember that was like, because I remember it. He was like, they say marriage is about compromise, but I don't have to compromise anything with this woman. And I was like, that's not fair. That's not fair.

What? But I was like, actually, like, I think it's true, kind of. Cut to Allie like, god damn it. I know. My life is hell. I walked into this role. She's just so cool. Like, he really, I do believe, it makes me believe in true love.

That's what I wrote in their little guest book. I was like, their love makes me believe in true love. And, like, how someone has, like, a soulmate, kind of. Or, like, the world, like, rewarded this man who was so looking for someone in his life to, like, share life with. And it was just you'll see when he reads his vows i'm so happy he agreed to do that when he comes back um so since last episode i've been to a flaming lips concert which was awesome i you know i went and saw the beautiful musical i'm doing things every night of my life tonight i'm going to match box 20 with taylor chris chris's parents my parents my sister

matt green and courtney landrum from her show and her boyfriend nick um so it's 12 of us i asked rob thomas for 12 tickets because i know rob thomas and i dm'd him and said yes rob i am asking you for comps i am so sorry you encouraged me to do it on you i wouldn't have done it if anya wouldn't have told me in the girls chat that it's okay no it's not your fault i got him that's cool you did tell me that i could do it right you said i said i know for any that i can't did you yeah yeah i said i did exactly what you said but did he make you pay no that's so nice. No.

He probably doesn't have any friends in St. Louis. You're in. He said, we have no guests. It should be fine. I was like, I'm so embarrassed to ask for this number. I cast a wide net because I thought people would have kids and got to get up early. But I was like, everyone's a huge fucking fan and wants to go. And so I have 12 people who want to go.

I'll pay for whatever you don't want to give me. I'll pay for all of them.'m so embarrassed by this and um he said i can't get everyone has to covet test before to go backstage i was like i would never bring 11 people backstage to meet you and i want anyone who's ever coming to my show to know that too if you have a big group i will grant you them maybe if you're my friend do not bring your whole fucking family backstage that's too many so i was like horrified that he thought i was gonna try to bring 12 people backstage to meet him but he gave me five um backstages so taylor's going with me backstage my brother my sister taylor are you a big fan yes because of his more oh we like we were talking about how he was

kind of a heartthrob i mean he was one of my first that I was like that's like a kind of a man that I think is really cute he reminded me of Pacey and you didn't agree with that from Dawson's Creek I don't like Pacey I just like he's like my

type of face and the curls like that 90s haircut where it kind of Taylor was saying it comes out from under the ears a little bit yeah and it goes it's like a miniature Jennifer Aniston and yeah and he kind of even had Jennifer

Aniston at the top like it's just kind of like yeah or no it was kind of more spiky I don't really remember no it was like it was Donna it's like it was Donna Donna so Donna's if you don't know it's I think we Donna Donna what's Donna Thomas so Donna's if you don't know it's a

I think we've covered it on the show but it would be impossible to go back and find it we called guys in high school that were like hot in this certain way

that they listened to fish they like probably like Dave Matthews they like liked puka shells puka shell necklaces they like drove vans

like the the heel of their pant was shredded all the time they wore birkenstock clogs they played guitar how do you spell it d-u-h-n-u-h yeah donna donna so it comes from a the guy that was the quintessential donna that was so hot he had curly moppy hair he had like those like kind of corduroy like thin corduroy pants that were just talked like this yeah talked like this and he had like he just was a he liked grateful dead and fish his name was ryan wilson and so there's a fish song called wilson and it's um it's like this bass note so dunna comes from brian wilson who represents what that thing is and we

were like oh and so whenever we would see him we'd go wilson don't know and so we called them one day we agreed to call them donnas so cute do these guys always have marijuana on them yes yeah someone around them will have it oh hack, hacky sack. A hundred billion million. They've got a Frisbee on hand. A hacky sack. Maybe those. They've definitely in college in the early 2000s tried that game where it's like those strings run like in the courtyard of college where there's like those rubber bands between trees and they're like balancing on it.

Slackline. Slackline. Oh, they were slacklining. They had Volvos. Okay. Yeslining they had volvos they okay yes they had 80s volvos the guys in my high school had vw buses oh yeah far from pooping what they have vw buses like vintage yes that's what i think wilson did yeah ryan wilson had that and his license because i was in love with him secretly his license said we are that be there you remember his life kirsten remembers we were saying it just last week i don't know why it said we are that be

there but that's what we like grateful dead fans like we are everywhere yeah but it said we're everywhere like i don't even it might have said we're everywhere and there was like maybe a little bit of it rubbed off. VW owners. Vier Vembu. Oh, maybe it was. Oh, my God. Like the Farfetch'd movie of the aughts. Oh, it was so stupid.

But anyway, yeah. So I just want to go through how many Matchbox 20 songs everyone knows because people. Please do. I asked my mom to go with me. I couldn't think of one. You're out of your fucking mind. I know they have a zillion hits, but I can't think of... Oh, I know.

Besides the Santana one, which I loved. Yeah. Well, that's just Rob Thomas solo, and I've checked their set list for tonight because it's pretty static throughout their tour, and he's not doing any of his solo stuff, which is also stuff that I really love. But Batch 20 themselves...

Okay. Taylor, we can all complete this i'm just gonna um should i can i play just seconds of the song yeah as long as it's less than 10 oh great okay yeah okay that's 3 a.m it's 3 a.m i It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely. That's the one everyone knows. I must be tone deaf. Oh. That one is.

I don't know if I've ever been really loved. My hand must touch me. Donnie, you know that. I want to push you around. Well, I will. Donnie, you know that. I wanna push you around. Will I? Will I? Will I? Will I? Will I? Will I? Okay, here we go. Oh, this is a good one.

They used to play these songs all the time on radio and in supermarkets and everywhere. That's the thing. It's the backdrop to any time you would go into a supermarket, a gas station, a Panera, anywhere. I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell.

I know right now you can't tell. I forgot all these. Iconic guitar tones for sure. I guess I've already lost you. I guess you're already gone I think I'm finally scared now You think I'm right I think you're wrong

Yes, so that one's I think you're so mean I think we should try I think I need this in my life And I think I'm scared Do I talk too much? I can't really. It's a problem.

I feel it if you're gone. Baby, it's time to come home. Okay, we had to just get to that. Oh, come home. Yeah, he has a lot of moments like that where he's like, oh, come home. Is he like kind of southern? It reminds me of his county. I'm scared.

So Adam Duritz will do that. It was a 90s inflection Pearl Jammy. And he's, you know, it's who he is. This one's a newer one. Do you know this one? I've heard this one a lot. Okay, I know that one. Let's see how far we've come. Let's see how far we've come.

Let's see how far we've... That sounds like they got a little emo. For me, Rob Thomas really transitioned from a guy that I wouldn't really look at to like, holy shit, he's hot. When he cut his hair, when he cut off that hair, you guys are perving over. Remember? I don't remember when he cut it. Let me see when he cut off that hair you guys are perving over oh remember i was i don't remember when he cut it let me see when he cut it i remember he was like on howard stern and maybe

the early aughts or something or late probably and i was like oh my god he cut his hair and he looks so hot no and he changed his style when he shaved it when he buzzed it it was so hot i'm so glad this is airing after i meet him. And he was wearing Ray-Bans, like cool Ray-Bans. Buzzed head. Like aviator. This is the look that Chris had after he did his shaved mohawk. Mama. He looks like I think you should leave.

Oh, guy. Yeah, he kind of does look like Tim Robinson from I think you should leave. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like you better with curls. I'd like you to make that hair curls. Yeah, Noah's showing us pictures. That one in the red. He's so serious.

Can you Google Rob Thomas aviators? Because I feel like there was an aviator face. Yes, please. Because I remember I was like, what the fuck? Oh, look at that one on the top left. He still looks good too. That top left is my type right there. And he loves his wife so much.

It's like so sweet. OK. He's almost Christian Bale-like. Wait, wait. He totally did aviators. There's a lot. Yeah, short hair aviators. Wait, click on one of those.

I want to see it blown up. Short hair aviators. Short hair aviators. Real specific with our. I can't believe there's not a tab for Rob Thomas short hair real specific with our um this is i can't believe there's not a tab for rob thomas short hair i hope i can't believe it doesn't just fill in for you no there's no short hair oh wait there's one there he is i mean that's a short close yeah he's he's cute he's hot um it's very exciting and he's so nice and he's giving me 12

tickets tonight so we're going to that tonight and then tomorrow for my birthday Chris got me tickets to go see Tegan and Sarah so I'm like yeah I'm gonna give him the ultimatum there

I'm gonna jump in with those lips I'm gonna trade say you either one of you gets Tegan and one gets Sarah I love them so much and I'm so excited

to see them you're so adventurous you're so up to it I love well you know Flaming Lips was an I'm so excited to see them. You're adventurous. You're so out. I love well you know Flaming Lips was an I'm not saying yes to any concert by the way this just so happens to

be like bands I really care about. Fight Test by the Flaming Lips. They were playing Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots that whole album like first and

then they were doing more. Isn't that Hala's favorite album? Oh yeah. She named her dog after Yoshimi. But that first song, Fight Test, off that album, I had to be there right away because

the first song of Fight Test is in my top five favorite songs of all time. It's one of my, it's the best. And it was so good. I know. It's such a good song. Makes me cry. I love that album. Because I'm a man, not a boy.

And there are things you can't avoid. You have to take it when you're not prepared i don't even know why i like it so much but i think it's because whatever key that's in whatever there's some elements of that song that make my perfect song um uh because it's it is like when there's like a pleading in a song like there's this new taylor's song you're losing me and she's just like she's telling the guy like it's it tells us a window into the her recent breakup not with Maddie Healy but with Joe Allen and she's like in it she's like you're losing me and she just like keeps screaming it but it's almost like begging like but try to like get me back but also like sorry like at the beginning she's kind of like I love the sorry I sorry, I'm just going to do a little Swifty song analysis right now,

but I think they're 12% of our listeners care. The song you're losing me. It starts out. It's so good. She's like, you say, you don't understand. You say,

you don't understand. And I say, I know you don't. And it's so good because it's like, you know, that someone's like, I don't understand. And she's like,

I know you don't, but it's just and it's but there's kind of like a little bit of in the first verse there's a little bit of her being like i gave you like i'm letting you maybe try to win me back and then by the second verse she's like i gave you so many signs i bit my nails all the time um uh like you my face was my skin was gray but you wouldn't admit we were sick these are some of the lyrics of just like you should have known that like how do you say you love someone you can't see is dying like this relationship's been fucked i've been like miserable in it you don't even notice this is coming out of nowhere for you i've been miserable

for months and maybe i didn't say it out right but like you should have like it's not it's weird that you wouldn't notice i'm i i don't like you anymore um so then by the but then by the third verse it's over and you could tell he's by the bridge he's running down the hall she's like now you're running down the hallway and you know they all say you don't know what you lost until it's gone you don't know what you got until it's gone so then you can tell he's trying to like fighting back and then the i love the way she changes the course in the last uh in the last course she like is like sorry like stop you're losing me like this is you're embarrassing yourself like i'm gone and i love a song that like takes you on a trip like that as well is there anything in your past relationships that was like the indicator

that it's over like what is it for all of you oh yeah that's a good point where it's an indicator that it's over like how do you know having too many like white chunks in the corner of your lips like you don't find those charming anymore i would never date anyone that ever no no i mean like if so are you talking about like it showed up during a relationship like suddenly they got it and you were like i think that's it no but i'm saying in the past i do you think but what has happened in the past where someone i think what i'm predicting is going to be said because i've heard this before is that when you're disgusted by them. That's what I was going to say. When you get the yucks or whatever it's called.

Icks. Yeah, the ick. Which you would get from the white stuff in the corners. Yeah, just like you don't notice it before. Yeah. Or like if they get sloppy. Like if they get so drunk and you're embarrassed. I remember.

But if you love someone, you can put up with that. You get disgusted by their physicality. Their physicality doesn't have to change that much. And you can be disgusted by them when you finally are not in love with them anymore, I think. Cognitively. We were talking about as a woman, if the emotional bond is broken, they can become kind of disgusting physically. Whether they get the white things on their mouth or not like they could have a clean mouth and you could still be like i don't even

though i liked you a month ago and you look like this right now i'm repulsed don't you think that's because you made them much hotter by loving them like when you first meet somebody like they're pretty cute but sometimes you're like i didn't even notice that guy the first 10 times and now he's the hottest man ever didn't that happen it happens to one of the people on the ultimatum actually there's this girl that starts out like fine and she gets so fucking pretty the more she is loved by this person she's finally like in a relationship where she's getting showered with love like real intimate love and she turns into a glowing princess it's wild watch it to see who you think it is.

But yeah, no, I think people in love, definitely. It's like talking to a plant and being like, I love you. And the plant like grows. I'm realizing all the relationships. You know how they always say like, they always come back. Just wait. They always come back. They don't for me. Like they've never come back. I'm always like, they're going to come back they don't for me like they've never come back always like they're gonna come back someday and all my breakups have been like violently like traumatic or not violent

but like like you're cheating on me and you do drugs it's always like what like you've cheated on me every day for the last six years and you're a cocaine addict was there any part of those people because i'm just playing their side of things which is literally the devil's advocate um i if i was cheating on someone so much and also doing drugs behind their back and all these things i would kind of think they knew a little bit and so i would be yeah even though i And so I would be, even though, even if you didn't,

there would be a part of me that was like, Oh, that explains diarrhea for the last six years. That explains why every time I turned in. Yeah, there would be a part of me as the cheater. The key in the lock. I'd be like. That would go, you have to have known. Yeah.

Like, was there any part, were you, not that I think that is a right thing to assume. Like, if someone's just cheating to like slowly get you to notice that they're cheating and then you eventually call them on it like not none of it's cool but i do feel like even in taylor swift song she's like i sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick i don't know what the quick means but no she didn't i'm like blood you you expect him to figure out that like well she's like gnawing on her cuticles and it's like bleeding

i could see that happening um i do that but i could see him being like why would i sometimes i don't notice those things like sometimes i get mad at chris because he won't notice like something that i've been so like so i think i'm being so pissy and like obvious about my feelings but he it's just he's not even he doesn't see it at all and i'm like how could not? But it's like he's just not in tune with the same things I would be in tune with. I forget what my original question was, but it was like, how did you not know that he was cheating? Did your boyfriend ever go like, come on, you had to have. No, because he was a different breed of a person. Like he was on the witness stand many times being interrogated by me.

And every time like like a perfect liar like i don't know what you're talking about babe you really need to get some therapy like so what did he say in response when you had then the proof and you went back and said all of those times how could you lie to me did he have any response to that he left he left but he never he never had to respond to it ran away and disappeared and i was like no response which by the way is a response ladies and gentlemen if you feel crazy in a relationship get out like if you're constantly like why do i feel insane and the person and you're like maybe i'm crazy you're not your gut is trying to tell you something. Some people are.

I mean, some people are. But yeah, he just left in shame. And I think weeks later, I was trying to piece together some stuff. And he was just like, it doesn't matter. I was like, but no, I need to. What about that one weekend where you swore that you didn't? Did you actually? Remember my friend?

She told me that you cheated with her friend. Remember remember and then i didn't speak to her for a year because you told me that friend was crazy did you cheat he was like does it matter i'm like okay that's a yes like he would never give me a yes it was maddening oh my god this guy oh hey same i had the same guy i hate but also when i was like was it on my grandpa's funeral? And he's like- It doesn't matter. We don't need to go through all this, babe. Oh, yeah.

The past is the past. That's a very common F-boy island phrase. What happened in the past is the past. What happens in Vegas. That means I cheat all the time. Yeah. Chronically. And, you know, it's about the future.

We're moving forward I'm also gonna do audiobook for Prince Harry's book I listened to the forward because he says in the very beginning he goes what's past is past that's past is past and the past is in the past and i listened to it so many times it made me laugh i wish i could play it can i play 10 seconds of it yeah no matter what kind okay oh no it's probably gonna be the acknowledgments i'll find it like after the commercial break yeah what's past is we'll play it well ronnie will find it we'll put it right here the past is never dead it's not even past william faulkner oh wasn't that fun we didn't hear it yet but you guys did um yeah i everyone's mad at prince harry again and megan markle why they

just can't get to break that because they only gave 13 episodes to spotify for their like 50 billion dollar deal 50 million dollar deal they got at spotify to do a podcast and she only turned in like 12 episodes how are they called them like entitled brats um i love them and they can do no like i will defend them to the death now i'm really working on this friendship that i'm gonna have with them i think they're cool i want to hang out with them i really do i love him i i'm gonna get in there because i'm gonna they going to see me on something defending them. I get, I get their side of things. Someone was just calling him a little whinging.

Oh, they love to use whinging. It was someone that I really liked too. And I was like, I can't even watch this because this person has it so wrong about them, about like, all he does is wine. Oh,

I'm a Royal and my life sucked it's like people that have great lives on the outside are allowed to have deep pain especially when you're never allowed to grieve the death of your mother that was public and you had to walk behind her casket and have a and your dad didn't do any your dad never gave you a get off charles's back your dad never you never got one hug from except one person when you're a what 11 year old boy and you just lost your mom no one hugs you not your dad and you never get to cry you think you're gonna turn out okay no matter what you gotta feel sorry for that person and maybe have a little empathy for them as an adult as i would you and whatever fucked up shit happened to you

person online who's being mean to them yeah all his dad did was when he's like wait mommy's gone forever he's like puts his hand on his back and goes i'm afraid so dear boy and walks out no charlie would and he wakes him up in the middle of the night to tell him and then just leaves him in the middle of night so from like three in the morning until they had to get up for breakfast at eight o'clock uh you know and their servants came in to like dress them and of course everyone's like oh they had servants they had it so good you would have been fucking miserable in his shoes too just everyone have a little goddamn fucking empathy so just like the other perspective of that where like i don't i don't really know them that well so i'm not here nor there but i guess the the

issue that i have with people who have a lot of money behind them and all that is that they have access to the best kind of therapy to get over that trauma and to rise up from it and stuff. And just thinking about what I had to do to afford therapy and how crazy that was. Why don't they take advantage of it? Because they're brilliant. That's a great question. They do. They do. He goes to tons of therapy. He was going like five days a week and what like he was he does all of

that so it's like who knows if it's working or what modalities he's trying like he was doing mushrooms for a while to do stuff with it whoa did you guys just hear this is so fascinating so they were doing an experiment with mdma on a bunch of like trial people that were just trying to make some money. This is so cool. So they were doing a trial of, you know, however many people. And one of the people in the trial said, wrote into the experiment people and said, um, I am Google my name. You'll know who I am. I realized something big. And I, I, um, I, all he wrote was Google my name. I experienced something during this experiment that made me realize I have to do something big. And then they Googled his name and he's a white supremacist that was fired from his job.

And it was all over the news because he was one of the people that was photographed at that tiki torch rally thing. You know, there's, Trump said there's good people on both sides, that bullshit, like pretty much a Nazi rally, a march that they did i forget where they killed people in what's in north carolina yeah yeah so he was photographed there lost his job because of it all over the news so these people in the study google this guy's name and they go oh my god he's gonna do something big that's all he says in his like cryptic email and so they contact him to be like what's going on dude and he's like i just while on mdma i realized how ridiculous this all is and i love

everyone and i don't want to be a white supremacist anymore and like had a fucking epiphany and so they think mdma can like cure racism yes because it opens your heart in a way that you can't hate yeah and i mean that's so cool no it's so i want to do mdma you should be forced in jail if you do like a hate crime to do mdma until you i know how do i get mdma and do it on how am will someone please reach out to me about like mushroom therapy mdma therapy else no in a healthy way where it's like you have a friend who does that on a regular basis sister who's coming to town yeah neil brennan but i want i don't know i just want to know all of my options about how to do this like clinically so that i can have some like fucking epiphanies about life and um my place in it because i do i really believe in all of

these things and i want to start learning how to do it that it isn't just some guy who gives me a baggie of stuff taylor what kind of therapies have you seen really work for people with severe mental illness and blocks like in your people do like peyote and mushrooms and mdma and like basically anything dmt anything and you've seen it there's all kinds of drug-assisted therapy not like i haven't like personally met anyone that you know seen them before and after but like my friends have done it and they're like it was great but not like i haven't seen anyone become unracist or whatever that's worked for neil brennan is not depressed anymore because of dmt i've shared this before but he did say that he would never recommend DMT to anyone or he couldn't pay him a billion dollars to do it again.

Like he would never, ever do it again. But he doesn't have depression anymore. And he suffered with it his whole life, which is even the reason why he was doing DMT. Like, why would you go that far? He tried every kind of thing. And and yeah, so that's interesting. OK, we're going to go to break and come back and talk about something else. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

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Thank you to Nikki Podmemes, I think it's called, for making a bingo card of all the topics I talk about every time on the show. What? Let's see if I've hit how many. Nikki Podmeme? Nikki Podmemes memes what's that instagram yeah nikki bud me okay so let's see on the on the bingo chart he made talks about succession haven't done it yet this doesn't count um i have no kids so i can tv show it should just be a tv show that you're watching i think six i like six no because that's like every podcast

it has to be i think it has to be more specific. I think he nailed it. Or she. I have no kids, so I can spend money on... I didn't mention anything of that. I don't think. I mentioned Taylor Swift. Okay, so you got one. Someone's saying Ke.

I think I said Ke. I said it. Okay, Ke was said. Nikki trash-talking certain Insta accounts. We almost got there. Not yet. I don't think I did yet. We not yet we will we will yeah let's get there nikki complaining about her previous present and future voice not yet no i haven't done that yet i haven't this person's funny someone someone jokes about apple rankings didn't even talk about apple rankings.com nikki talks about no free will i haven't touched

on that yet but i don't know i'm not no i think i still do this stuff um and then mention the girls chat so we have um we have two wait no we have three ben we'll see we'll see if we had any more of those you let everyone be on the lookout for those other ones because i want to see if we get um because right now we have the upper right hand corner the bottom right hand corner and um the left middle side so we are we don't even have close to bingo right now or tic-tac-toe okay so um oh no we could get okay but i want it to happen naturally so i'm gonna try to reset from my mind um on the girls chat so that's why i thought of this um anya anya always has genital questions. General genital questions.

General genital is what we call her. And she came up with one the other day. I don't even know what spurred it. Will you tell us the genesis of it? I don't know what spurred it. It's just been like eating at me, I guess. And I was just, maybe somebody was talking about, I don't know.

I can't remember. But I was like, I'm sick of seeing women wipe or that people talk about wiping like obviously you wipe front to back right oh yeah yeah of course of course it's like i have a uti oh you're wiping front why are people bragging about that they're all bragging about it yeah guess what i know you'll see a european film and a woman sitting on the toilet and then she pulls one of these. Okay, I'm going to do it. She does this.

So Anya's taking her hand behind her backside. She does this after peeing and wipes. So she'll just do that. And it's like, all the American audiences will gasp. Because we don't wipe that way. In the States, we wipe like this. But we should. You should just go.

Like that. You should do a claw really hard. That's the best way. The European way Is to start at the vagina From the back And go back Like you're wiping your back

But why Don't you do two separate wipes Front and back If I'm just peeing Or you take the pee No when I'm peeing And pooping It's two separate sides

Just talking If I'm pooping Follow me Just talking But in European films A woman pees And then she reaches Around her butt To wipe okay and i'm saying

i'm sick of this posing i think a lot of women are wiping front to back they're just not grabbing their butthole and wiping they're just wiping their vagina their urethra i wipe back to front from the front like you're not supposed to like everyone thinks you're bringing shit up into your vagina but I don't even get near my tank it's just my vagina I wipe just my vagina to the front and I don't get I don't get yeast infections I don't

get UTIs except from sex so I'm not going to change the way I do it I think the worrying about it is during poop and pee I don't think anybody's worrying that when you didn't poop, there's still going to be some poop particles. Yeah, there's definitely poop particles there, though. People worry.

I thought it was just poop and pee. Doctors don't worry about anything. No. They're sociopaths. Who would drag the poop into the vagina? So, yeah, I was just taking a poll to see because I thought, like, maybe I'm the only woman that wipes back to front. You said you dabbed. I dab, but really the only woman that wipes back to front but you said you

dab I dab but really I'll just wipe technically back to front but it's not like Nikki said it's not past the perineum yeah your taint gives you a good quarter to a half an inch before you're even in the asshole region to play with and you can play with it do you know something disgusting that i do yeah yeah sometimes i if i'm doing both right sure i will take my pee because i go from front to back and i'll use the wet oh i do that as like a butt wipe yeah i'll do that too it's not disgusting i've never even heard of that it's genius genius yeah what the fuck you guys if you're far from the sink

because I also get a blob dab it and then do a wet wipe what yeah I have never but sometimes I do the under the sink

with the pee because there's not very much pee on to use your own pee as a wet wipe or sink I had this friend when she said

she spit on it I was like I've done that for some reason that grosses me out more. Then there's like food on like particles. No, you don't have food

in your mouth. But I have thought about, I'm like, why is my butthole minty? And I'm like, oh, I just brushed my teeth. Have you ever used your, that sounds nice.

Have you ever used your period blood as lube? Because they don't know you're on your period yet. Of course. And you're in the dark and you're they're like they think you're super wet sometimes i'm just like i did it and i don't know i'm just like i guess i am and i'm like oh you got it out of me yeah yeah that's what i say

you made it start yeah but even though it's been going for four days like oh i was so warning my period came tampon in i think i had that joke actually in my act. Okay. So we covered that. I went to the pool yesterday with my niece and Neff, the public pool. I haven't been to a public pool since we were kids. That's where me and Taylor fell in love. It was a tree court public pool where we'd spend every single day of every summer between 7th and 8th. But it was private. It was private? Yeah. Oh yeah oh i felt public i had to be a membo but i mean like i still had to

at the ymca yesterday i still had to like pay i didn't feel that public i paid 32 dollars well it maybe was 13 but then plus the kids and stuff anyway um went with three kids. Three kids under the age of six. Just you? Swimming in a pool. And my sister. How are not more kids drowning all the time at these pools? Because there is a lazy river there. There is a current flowing through that thing that is rough.

There's a lazy lifeguard there. There's a river running through a pool? They have a lazy river around the pool where they have a lazy river around the pool what's a lazy river the Webster pool goes through what's a lazy river

it pushes you I am confused at your question you don't know what a lazy river is I've never heard this phrase in my life shut up

I guarantee 12 listeners are with me have you guys ever heard of a lazy river I'm just imagining like just flowing water yeah no but like do you know like if someone's like oh this water park is a lazy river do you

know what that is no no i think i can assume what it is i don't know okay truly no what is it no yeah what is it i i just imagine like a moat basically and and the water is just like slowly yeah yeah you're lazy it's a river through they build like a river where the water is flowing so like if you sit on a raft it'll just take you through it and around and around and around and you could go forever and ever around yeah no it's not an actual yes it's man-made and it's um they're they're very common at what i guess you've never been to a water park in your life i I'm just guessing. I have. I got slapped at one once. What?

By the lazy river? By a 13-year-old. He slapped me right across my face. Why? Because he and all his friends cut in front of my little sister. Because you didn't know what a lazy river was? He cut in front of my little sister and all her friends at her birthday. And I was like, hey, you can't do that.

And he went, and he slapped me across my face. old were you i was like 17 how long did you guys date after oh my god i just knew i like you were 17 or 18 oh my god yeah maybe 20 did he get slapped in the face i must have been 20 if my i know my sister was like eight nine but you look young so he probably thought you were like his same age what did you do i just rounded all the kids up and was like we're getting out of here i was like very shaken up oh my and how old was he probably my or like probably 14 he was and you were 20 i would have been like kid what are you doing he was like my height though I remember oh fuck

that's terrifying and he hit me hard it's okay but anyway there was no lazy river there he slapped the knowledge of the lazy river he might have got to it

if a kid didn't slap the shit out of you there are tons of water rides and water slides though but every water park has a lazy river but it doesn't matter do you know what a lazy Susan is

yes I do okay good but do you know what a lazy river, but it doesn't matter. Do you know what a lazy Susan is? Yes. Okay, good. Um, but do you know what a dumb Anya is? I'm just kidding. Or the lazy brain is. I couldn't think of anything that was like more specific to not knowing what a lazy river was,

but I didn't mean dumb. so yeah, it was the lazy river was so fun, but, uh, I gave Poppy this like little unicorn that you put in water and it will grow. Warm water, you know? And she loves unicorns.

Like a sponge? Yeah, like, not a sponge, but it's like, it's like a, no. Like they're going to pill? No, not a pill sponge. Those are fun, though. But she, so it wouldn't go, it wouldn't get bigger in the cold water. I was like, you have to put it in hot water, babe, because it's like not growing at all. And so at the end of the day, she was like, I just, so I want, next time I want it to

be pink and I want it to grow very big in the cold water. And I was like, you got it. So pink grows big in cold water. I'm on it. I will find it. And she was like, and it has to be pink. She was so excited about, there's no such thing. It has to be in hot water.

Anyway, she lost, she was holding in her hand the whole day. I gave it to her before we went to the pool i didn't even know we're going to the pool i just went over there to give them some gifts and they were like we're going to the pool and i was like i'm free there's no excuse not to let's go so um she lost it at one point and was like crying and i was like i will find it and so i went and she lost in the lazy river so and arlo was like she lost it right here i'm like buddy it's flows so it's gonna get taken i gotta go further because he was like just look right here and i had to explain physics to him and things and i was like at least you've heard of a lazy river you know we are starting from a place that i can get on board with but no he um he and so

then i was i had to borrow goggles from this little girl. So I was wearing the tiniest little goggles. And I was like, I'll be back in five minutes. I'm going to look for this thing. So I went and I found it. I went all the way around the lazy river and it was disgusting. What was going on in there? Because any piece of debris, I was like, is that the unicorn? It was band-aids, hair ties with like tons of hair all over them.

And just like tissue paper. lifeguard oh it's so gross syringe i honestly i would not have been surprised and so i get all the way through the laser where i couldn't find it but then there's this little part that like kind of you goes off and turns into a whirlpool so it's like a little yeah eddie and you just go around and around and it was swirling around i couldn't believe I found this tiny little white unicorn in this white, you know, painted pool. And I, like, heroically was like, got it. And she just, like, took it from me. And I'm like, are you not going to be, like, excited that I was.

And she's like, I don't know how I dropped it. I was holding it. And I was just like, oh, that's interesting. It wasn't. But she. So I felt like a hero. But after an hour of being there, I was just like, we got to go. Like, can we ditch these kids and go talk or something?

It's just, it never stops. It never ends. And my sister just said, it never ends. It doesn't ever end because they're into everything. And they could all drown at any second because they're not all that strong of swimmers. It was just a lot. There's a woman who lives across the street. She's a beautiful young mom,

and she just had her second kid, and I think that she's pregnant with her third. And every time I look out the window, she's parenting. Like, there's always a child on a driveway, in a wagon, rushing toward traffic. She's stopping it. I'm just like, this is like 24-7 hypervigilance.

I don't know how kids aren't dying all the time. I was saying this to Emma this weekend, Chris's sister-in-law, because she has a young kid. It's like a toddle, you know? They're toddling everywhere. And I'm like, how did kids, when there were like fire, open fires, and like sticks and shit, like how were kids not just being impaled and burned constantly?

And I think they probably were. Or they treated them like a dugger and they did the blanket whip. What's wrong with a leash, by the way? They like beat the kid. If the kid would go off the blanket, the duggers would like hit the kid, a baby, until it learned to be docile and not go off the blanket so that's why all duggars kids are like you're gonna like it i don't it's a four part series did you watch it i tried to watch i watched two parts and i was just like it's too slow i i need things to have a two times the speed that's why i love the girls chat i can zip through it that's why i love podcasts that's why i love youtube i can two

times the speed i can't do it um i think that's bad for love youtube i can two times the speed i can't do it um i think that's bad for us though i did two times the speed because it it i think it like inhibits us from uh retaining attention i almost lost track of my thoughts but but it's for people with add like you in all the add chats on reddit where people are asking advice for their kids are like, you know, my kid's having trouble in school. And they're like, try to get lessons to the lessons the teacher sends and do them two times the speed because my kid can then follow it. Because there's if there's a lull, the kid will look at something else. I had to stop listening because I would do like 1.5 times on the girls chat. And then I realized, like, I think everyone's voice is this fast and everyone sounds like kind of cheery and then when i listen

to it at one speed it's completely like the tone is completely different totally different characterizing everyone i'm gonna listen back to this part of the podcast on 1.5 it's it's so true because i will listen to like you know someone crying and they'll like actually sound really up like yeah and i'm really sad about it and you know my dad died and it does it does change everything when you listen to um we're always crying on that by the way yeah that's it does create bad habits i do think there's something nice about listening to things You change everything when you listen to... We're always crying on that, by the way. Yeah. It does create bad habits. I do think there's something nice about listening to things on regular speed or not being, not multitasking all the time.

I was on a Zoom meeting the other day and someone said something and it was really interesting and I missed it. And my first thought was, I'll just rewind. And then I'm like, fuck, this is in real time. I can't rewind. I've been taking some voice lessons online doing this course and I constantly,

because she isn't talking two times the speed, she loses me all the time because I have too much time to venture away. I think for me, it helps my focus to keep things moving. I can't, like i and tv shows i rewind hundreds of times in any tv show hundreds because i get distracted so much because it's so slow do you guys not have that trouble i would never i have that too and it's i think it's my phone

that's created this problem because as you're talking, I'm like, okay, it's like, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Was it your focus that was inhibited first? Right. Or was it because of like all these other factors? No, I was not like this in high school. I did not suffer ADD in high school like this. I mean, I was disorganized. I had many of the signs of it, but I was not like my attention was, it was not hard for

me to like, I was really good. Now that I'm in like a class again, it's the first time I've been like learning and in a Zoom, it's a Zoom class, but I do these like once a week and I realized like what a little good student I was because I was always like nodding along with the teacher so they'd know that I got it.

Like I wouldn't do it just like out of nothing because then they'd call on me and I wouldn't know. But I was always like, you want to give them feedback of like, I got it. Like, I was like, man, I was a really good student. And now I'm really suffering, keeping up with the work, keeping up with the lecture, taking notes. Like, I just, it's so out of my wheelhouse.

Uh-oh, scratched it off a bingo. Wait, is purview? That's not right. Purview. I just feel like I'm wearing too many hats in the class. Oh, scratch it off a bingo. Wait, is purview? That's not right. Purview. I just feel like I'm wearing too many hats in the class. I'm trying to be a good student. I'm trying to be a good singer.

At the end of the day, it is what it is. Oh, yeah. That is true. I mean, it all does come down to that. And I'm here for the right reasons. But have you guys taken any classes recently? Have you taken school classes where you have a curriculum and a syllabus? No, but I'd be down. I just graduated two years ago.

God. That's true. I didn't go for 10 years or something. It was hell. Getting back into it. Yeah, to go back to school again for three years. Oh, my God. Hell on earth.

I just remember that last paper I ever turned in and how grateful I was. I was like, I'm never going to have a paper due the rest of my fucking life. I still have nightmares about papers. Me too. But you had papers up until two years ago.

Yeah, but mine are like high school still. Or like I forgot my locker combo style. Ooh, yeah. That's a popular one. Do you ever lose your teeth in your dreams? No. That's like another one that happens to a lot of people. In my nightmares.

I'm never naked in my dreams. I'm always trying to masturbate, but I can't get alone. Interesting. I think I've had that one. Every night. Whoa. Isn't that weird? Well, another weird thing is happening to you right now that you shared on the GC.

It is? Yeah, string. string oh the string theory i have a string theory did you know about it you guys did you guys read it on the gc so i i never had i'm sure there's some i want you to share because i'm sure there's someone out there that does have this is for my friend hana um so it's i i didn't ever describe it i just described it to my friend hannah it's like your belly button kind of hurts but it feels like there's a rubber band going from your belly button to your vagina and we googled it and apparently only women can have it because some part of your

umbilical cord could still be in there like the inner part and that's where it would kind of connect and so right now i have it i can't straighten up all the way or it feels like the rubber band will snap and it pulls both my belly button and my regime so there's got to be something in there connecting the two yes there's a there's the string the string or is it an actual physiological part well what we've that it's actual physiological part perhaps this is just somebody like when we were it's really hard to google that and you know if you go to the doctor they'll be like i've never heard of that let me look it up and you're like i've already done that yeah and you're not gonna

find anything i didn't find so it could be umbilical is still up in the silicon i love these weird things is in our where yeah some land it I guess. It feels like, or it could be, maybe, I've never had a UTI, but it could feel kind of like you got, like maybe you got a pee, but you don't. I just got some necklaces like wrapped up in each other. So what if there's two different cords that go like, that intertwine sometimes and they got to get on, and that's why they snag. Yeah. Maybe it's a nerve, Taylor?

I don't know i had a weird thing as a kid that was like a phenomenon that used to happen to me and my sister where everything would just go speaking of two times the speed everything would go really fast and seem really loud and my mom like would talk and we'd and i'd be like i can't don't talk anymore please don't talk anymore because you're really fast and you're really loud it's like it was like this weird thing that would come on i would feel it coming on and i'd go like oh no no no no it would sometimes happen when it would be very quiet like during a test and then all of a sudden the pen the pen sounds would be like booming loud like not actually i knew they weren't actually loud but i like and and then but also very fast and also like slow-mo it was like this weird distortion

of reality and my sister was the only person who had it too and it didn't it stopped happening after childhood and then if you google it final thought if you google it things speeding up very fast and getting loud it is a phenomenon that happens to a lot of kids and it tapers off after adolescence but it used to happen all the time and my sister and i would always just go it's getting loud and slow and fast and all like it's slow and fast it doesn't even make any sense but my mom would have to just stop talking and i would just have to like like kind of like uh burrow myself in bed and like cut out all the sounds to make it go away so if anyone else had that that is a thing that happens to um all of us and also the thing that i think happens to all of us is that like

thing where you like have i guess it's heartburn where you like feel if you like breathe in too much it'll like hurt again like when your heart has like a sting feeling what about when your tubes get twisted no what when you when your esophagus is two of them for some reason what get twist really i know but it feels like that i got so many strings inside isn't it weird that esophagi would never be used unless you were like collecting esophaguses like why would anyone what do you mean it's like yeah um i don't know the esophagus twist i do have a sometimes it feels like it twists go ahead i have a thing sometimes like i'm sure people get this like a weird pulled muscle in between your ribs and it feels like you're having a heart attack like it happened the other day in bed and i was like babe i might die if i in my sleep, I'm having a heart attack. If I die in my sleep,

I'm just something weird is happening right now. And he's like, it's three in the morning. Matt's like, what is going on? I'm like, there's a spasm in my heart and I don't know if I'm dying or if it's a rib muscle. And it was just, he's like, it's a muscle messed up. Is that the feeling I'm talking about where if you move or breathe too much, it'll come back?

Like you feel it for a second. Noah, do you ever have that? I can't believe you guys don't have this. That I have not had. So it just, all of a sudden there's a stinging and then you're like, Oh, I have to stay frozen because I,

the stinging almost felt brought on by my breath in my heart. Oh my God. That's another common thing that does not mean you're dying. If you do get that, it does not mean you're dying. Do you guys ever have like, I was bit by spiders, so many spiders and it only happens at night. I used to see spiders going. Do you guys ever have like, I was bit by spiders, so many spiders, and it only happens at night?

I used to see spiders going, you're molested. No, no, I really. I'm just kidding. Spider is symbolic of the mother. I learned that in my therapy. What, really? Yeah, I'm afraid of spiders

and I always have dream, spider dreams, and my therapist is like, that means mother. Spider means mother. A Russian therapist. Yes. My mom's also afraid of spiders. dreams and my therapist is like that means mother spider means mother a russian therapist yes my mom's also afraid of spiders yeah i'm not scared of spiders at all centipedes i would rather i mean i would rather a thousand spiders in a room with me than two centipedes which way would you wipe

with a centipede if you had a centipede connecting your belly button and your clit oh and it just went i can now look at videos and pictures of centipede connecting your belly button and your clit? And it just went. I can now look at videos and pictures of centipedes. But as a kid, I wouldn't even look. I couldn't touch pictures if it was on my phone or something. I think they're cute. They, like, house centipedes? Yeah, remember that broom one I had?

Yes. The Sharpie. Oh, the one that was. No, that was a millipede. It was just crawling across the floor. It looked like a Sharpie. It was just slowly moving. What's the difference? One is richer than the other? No, that was a millipede. It was just crawling across the floor. It looked like a sharpie. It was just slowly moving.

What's the difference? One is richer than the other? No, millipedes have a bulbous body, and centipedes are the ones that are like, like they move like that sound. And they go all different ways. Silverfish are kind of centipedish-like, but they are not centipedes.

But centipedes are just anything with like that many legs all lined up together. Spiders have them more like, oh, daddy long legs. Daddy long legs as a kid. I used to, I don't mind them if they're like traipsing along and like their legs. But I don't like when they go up on a wall and they go flat. I hate when they flat on a wall. I hate when they dance. Flinking, clinking, flat. In the shower, they go.

They do? I think that's kind of cool. I don't feel bad. I just don't want them to be flat. I feel bad, actually, about killing any animal in the house except that scary looking silverfish house centipede, whatever it is. It looks like Darth Vader. I don't think I could kill one because I love all animals but I do understand what you're saying.

I, yeah, that, first of all, they're too scary to catch. Even if you like get a bowl over them and you slide a like

piece of paper underneath, I don't want to touch the paper that might be touching. Really? And they get flatty. They are so flat that they could, oh yeah,

those things get, they daddy long legs flat. Have you ever seen a mouse like go into your wall? And they don't know where they're going. A mouse can get so fucking flat. I saw a mouse come out your wall? And they don't know where they're going. A mouse can get so fucking flat.

I saw a mouse come out of a hole that was like, you could barely fit a silver dollar in there. They're like octopi. They're just like, pfft. Or esophagi. A rat came out of my floor in San Francisco the size of a quarter. It went, poof.

It never creeped me out. And it like, it's like a unicorn in a lazy river. Yeah. When they bust through your floor, you'll be scared.

I do, but some people are like naturally scared of mice. Like in a way like spiders. I think. People are scared

of the fastness. But some people, like it's almost like, okay, let me, let's do a ranking right now. Snakes, spider, mouse. What's do a ranking right now. Snakes,

spider, mouse. Mouse for me. Spider don't care at all. I like spiders and I like snakes. For me, the rat represents disease

and I'm scared it's going to bite me and I'll have like rabies. And you'll have a disease. Oh, you're thinking long term with this thing. Okay. I don't think,

I think about short term with all of these things. But you're right. That's probably smarter. Oh, I think about short term with all of these things, but you're right. That's, that's probably smarter. Oh, you're thinking about their lineage as well.

Okay. I didn't, I didn't even, I didn't know it was just a 23 and me, this. Fighters would never, even though my grandma

one time said, I asked why I couldn't borrow a car and she said, the spotter and his wife had babies in there because they couldn't have sex

unless they were married. Oh yeah, and his wife. That's why I couldn't borrow the car. And they couldn't have sex unless they were married so yeah and that's why i couldn't bother and they couldn't live together i mean this would be in sin that's so funny um i would i i've never mice i think are always cute i don't mind them even if one was in my house i would not try to kill it i would get a mousetrap i don't i just have never mouse mice and rat is just a bigger mouse to me doesn't doesn't matter i don't it just didn't get to me the black plague stories of how rats spread that i just did there was the fleas that snacked on them oh okay so it wasn't even the rats all right um and i would say number one is um snake i would be the most scared because those can bite the out of you and they're just like it's too slithery they also don't know where they're going spiders i think have more of a plan

spiders stick to like a straight line you know centipedes are going every which way they're zigzagging they don't know spiders tend to go in one straight line like you can kind of trace them and they're easier to like pick up and flick if you can but it. But they get flat. Spiders get so flat. But I'm telling you, I guess I'm saying in your bed, in your bed, a tarantula, snake, a snake that can't bite you, let's say.

Tarantula are friendly. And a rat that has no teeth. I would welcome this snake. A rat that has no teeth and its claws, it's been checked and its claws can't scratch it. It's been declawed,

which is so mean. A gummy rat with no teeth yeah yeah for sure grandpa rat because he wants to snuggle he's gonna want to burrow what's wrong with him snuggling he can't hurt you he's just a little he's sick if he's sick i don't want okay what if they've been tested for sickness and they have no they carry no if he was like my neighbor's pet rat that escaped fine how are you gonna are you going to be in with him? They're going to poop. They're going to go through the cycle of life.

I don't want to be in with any of them. You're making me. Okay. You have to be in a bed with a rat under your duvet. And this rat has no disease. It's been checked. No disease. He's a pet rat.

It is declawed. Okay. And it has, but you don't, and no teeth. Okay. Then there's a spider that cannot, not disease, can't give you disease and has no fangs. Will not bite you. And then there's also a snake, has no fangs. And it's a medium sized snake.

And it also has no fangs and won't even try to bite. You won't even bite you with a skin. Cute. What are you going to do? Definitely. I love the snake the best. To stay two minutes in a bed? Yeah. And you're blindfolded oh i

love it i would hold my legs really tight well yeah i wouldn't want it you don't want it dildoing oh my god trying to go in back in its nest yeah i think i'd like the snake the most too he's cute i would like the rat spider get the fuck out of there. I'm going to squish you. I'm going to hurt you. I feel like the spider wants nothing to do with me. He'll be fine. He'll just crawl away. But you're blindfolded and it's in the dark.

He's going to put all eight in and bust into your b-hole. I'm just protecting my b-hole. Oh, he's going to go feet first and then go whoosh. I was going to say'm if I'm wearing underwear it's the spider if I'm not wearing underwear I guess it would be the rat the rat just wants to get in your crack and

warm up he does not he can't fit yeah you don't want that that spider could fit in your asshole and you've got to consider that so I worry your mouth places he would go right up in my vagina. I don't know that spiders are looking for warmth. They are always in caves and shit. They want wet and warm in your

vagina. Okay. Well, I'm glad we had this discussion. I feel so much smarter. Because people are either snake, spider, or mice people. There's that fear. And I would probably say I'm most scared of spiders out of all those. Because they just don't, they're just too,

their legs, they go too fast. Yeah, they're too fast. I didn't know this about you. I'm really explaining. But snakes, but there are certain people that if you even

talk about snakes or like have a snake, I think, what's, Kim Kardashian, Ellen, that's one way she tortured her

on her show. It was spiders actually with Kim Kardashian. She was terrified of it. It was like on that Maury episode where the girl's scared of cotton. Cotton Bullman. That was so crazy that he did that to her. I know, but it was the highlight of my life.

This girl was scared of cotton and they dressed a man up. I can't even say it because they had to then go and get the cotton and put glue on it or something. Oh, yeah. And it was just falling off the bottom. I'm not as scared. You guys both have this phobia of cotton where you can't talk about cotton

without your mouth getting weird. I do, but Taylor doesn't. I'm just talking. She's just supporting me. When we were kids, I would put a sock in my mouth and go, and go, and she would scream.

I don't want that at all. There was another thing this weekend that I was like disgusted. It was, oh, oh, those motorcycles and that thing. We talked about that. Oh, another fear of mine as a kid used to be semi trucks going under bridges and getting stuck. Yes.

And just being like, and like scraping off the top. I used to have fucking, if there was a semi truck and there was like a bridge coming up, I'd be like, it like scraping off the top. I used to have fucking, if there was a semi-truck and there was like a bridge coming up, I'd be like, it's not going to make it. If you ever look, there's like two inches to play with there. It's nuts that more aren't just like. Imagine driving. Those people, they, I don't know. I can't even imagine it.

Wait, you're afraid because then it would smash you? Or just the noise? It would just cause so much mayhem on a highway with people going 70 miles an hour and then all of a sudden this thing, it would either knock out the bridge and be so big and like a huge catastrophe, but I just don't want to see people dying everywhere.

Uh-uh. And it would cause people to go, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh. My fear is dying everywhere. So there you go. You do have empathy, Nikki. Because I don't want to see people dying? Yeah.

Because you're putting yourself in the- I never question if I have empathy oh i thought you i thought you had or a therapist had oh you're always like i don't know if i'm that empathetic you've definitely said that before donna used to say i didn't but i i definitely think i'm empathetic okay i definitely yes yeah you have animals yeah you can't be vegan unless you're empathetic it's there's no other reason to do it so yeah i think I passed that test. What? I don't like humans as much as animals. I know.

It really is. Because humans, you can explain what's going on. And animals are just like, what's happening? That's my thing. It's like, if you could talk to animals, I'd be like, yeah, let's kill them. It's fine. This is what's going to go down. We'll put them on factory farms.

I don't give a shit. But at least we can explain to them, we look at you as lesser beings because you happen to be a different species. And so we get to eat you and torture you. Do you understand it? Oh, you do? Okay, that makes it easier for me to do. But if you don't, if you're just like the whole time, your whole life, you're just like, what? Should have been a part of the bingo card, buddy.

Vegan rant. Okay. We got to go. Tomorrow on the show, my mom will be here. Frangie will still be on his honeymoon but we will talk about so many things including the Matchbox 20 concert we are going to tonight. Chris, we will hear from you.

Alright guys, thank you for listening. Don't be cut and just use your pee as a wet wipe. Joel, the holidays are a blast but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

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Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there.

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