The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #353 Brian's Wedding Vows, "Babe No One Cares" & YMCA Is So Gay

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Brian is back from his wedding and Chris joins Nikki in studio to help recap moments from Colorado. Anya shares that her parents almost killed her fiancé Matt with a cherry.  Brian recalls highlights from his weddings and all of his feelings that day. Anya shares how Nikki's text "babe no one cares" helped soothe her own wedding anxiety. Brian reads his wedding vows and admits he felt 85% good that day. A high number. Nikki realized how gay the song YMCA is while dancing to it at the wedding. In the Final Thought we learn Brian and Alli's love story. --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, I sound a little loud, but I kind of like it. Maybe it'll make me talk softer. Do you think it'll balance out low mic Brian?

Yeah, I mean, Brian Frangie's coming back from his honeymoon with a little mic, but he's getting all the right supplements and we're all going to support him emotionally. And he's got doctors monitoring it. Brian we're all going to support him emotionally and he's got doctors monitoring it Brian Frangie's back everyone yeah that's right oh man I missed the pod and you know what I listened to three out of four of the episodes so far that I was not on

and I have so many comments there was so many moments where I was like I want to say something here and I can't say anything. I know. And isn't that interesting because you used to listen as a listener and you couldn't say anything and that was just your lot in life. But now you have an entitlement now that is warranted

because you're a part of the show. Yeah, you had to have the user experience. Yes. Oh, that's awful. I feel bad for all the listeners out there who can't constantly chime in with whatever bullshit they want to say. I feel that way often.

I listen to Chris's show. If I wake up early enough, I listen to it live. It's from 6 to 10. Or I usually listen to it on the podcast at like two times the speed. But when I get to hear it live, it's so awesome because he'll get like, something will be of debate in the room of like, how old is she?

Or like, did she actually, usually it's something where they're like. Or we'll bring up a guy. We'll be like, oh, I think this guy's a really good guy. And I'll be like, he raped seven women in 1981. Go look at the fact. And I'll like start spamming that. She's like, do your own research. I really do.

Every time there's like, I'm'm like he once kicked a dog in 1997 wilford brimley i think is pretty clean he's a great person problematic diabetes problematis um no he seems like a good guy but okay so we have so much to get to today let me just set up the room okay brian frangia is back are you're in california it looks like you're home right all right i'm in california yeah back home all right and then okay he made a meal i have high tea and then anya is in new y York what what Anya has her parents in New York with her right now if we want to set the scene they were staying with her all the week

all the weekend this is one of seven pills I've found this is what happens when 80 year olds stay with you there's just stray medication or like a weekend with Nikki I have so many pills too I'm like what is Nikki. I have so many pills too. I'm like, what is this?

I don't, so many, because I don't, I will never take a pill and just be like, well, I wonder what's this experience going to be? Like, there are a lot that I don't know. And then I just, you know, throw them into a creek. One side will make you grow taller and the other side will make you grow smaller. Do you know that movie? Sleeping Beauty? This is my Titanic.

Some 1970s shit. Yeah. Alice in Wonderland. Okay. Oh. You know how you're supposed to dispose of pills because if you put them

in the toilet or something, they're bad for the environment. Yeah. Yeah. That's what was my joke about putting them in the toilet. I don't know. I don't know how.

I forgot. Does anyone remember? Well, there's one. I know Courtney. The Courtney Show does an ad for a place called, what's it called? I hate the name of it so much. It's a rough. Prevent, Prevent Ed. Prevent Ed. Prevent Ed. Oh yeah. And we're like, what did Ed do? I'm like, I almost wrote it to the store one time and I was like, Courtney, I think it's supposed to be prevented.com, but they like did it wrong. But then I looked it up and I was like, I'm glad I didn't say that because it literally is prevent ed.com.

And you can send in your medication and they mix it or they send you a mixture to put in with your medication that makes it neutralize it. Yeah. Yes. And then you can dump it. So what does ed stand for? I thought it was prevent erectile dysfunction. I know. I think that's what a lot of people are. They're swallowing that goo they send them. Oh, God. Well, then their insides get hard.

That's a good point. Oh, my God. My dad almost killed Matt over the weekend. Wow. Okay. What? This is another thing 80-year-olds do is they don't look at what is in front of them they're just haphazard or at least it's just my dad so i had a bowl of cherries oh no it all starts with

cherries it does then there was like a crime scene um exhibit a kind of thing it also seems something that only happened 100 years ago when people were like life is but a bowl of cherries it's like nobody's got a bowl of cherries anymore that was an old timey saying what is a bowl when did you get cherries and why do you have they had the i guess it's like cherry season oh your mom brings like vegetables and fruit it is it is i can confirm the wildest thing at the store they have them there it's been saying i know but i thought you said you're you're you it the season, so your mom picked them from a tree in her farm or something. Well, let's contact the cherries. Your mom brought me a bag of lemons one time to a show that she came to see.

Yeah, I'm like, Mom, we're in San Francisco. Nikki lives in Missouri. She's flying home tomorrow. She's like, but I have these from my tree for Nikki. It was really sweet, but that's why I thought she brought the cherries. Yeah, she just likes fruit, so I brought the cherries. Yeah. Okay. She just likes fruit so I brought her some fruit.

I'm trying to get her acclimated here in Hudson Valley. Anyway, I have a large glass bowl of cherries and then I have two small bowls that are white and ceramic. One has trail mix in it.

It's like medium size and then there's a tiny white bowl for cherry pits. The pit. Ah, yes. Because if dogs eat cherry pits And for the shitty part of the trail mix

yeah like the peanut exactly you put the pit in with the yeah oh yeah whatever part you don't like get it in there what does a peanut look like a cherry pit right oh so my dad's just willy-nilly eating all the cherries and cherry pits are toxic to dogs, by the way, and people, which I didn't know. Also, apple seeds, Brian, I'm sure you know. Apple seeds contain a small amount of arsenic in them. So if you eat too many apple seeds, you will get arsenic poisoning. It's a- Jesus.

I ate apples whole for a season. I remember just thinking, I'm just going to eat the whole apple and be cool. Never had an issue, but I did. I've eaten many apples entirely. Why you ate the whole, why? I don't know. I could just got into it once and was like, why are we throwing this part away? It's like kind of probably good for you.

Because it has like really gross stuff up in it. It has like spider webs in it sometimes. I don't know if this is allowed either. Like for my cousin, I don't know whether he was tricking me when I was young. He started eating peanuts with the shell. And he was like, yeah, you can just eat the whole thing. I love that. And so I was like, oh yeah, I'll do that too.

And then I was doing that for a while. And then at one point I was like, did he just do this twice to trick me into doing this for the rest of my life? Oh yeah, one of those lies. But I used to eat only the peanut shell. What? I didn't like the peanut part. What? Yeah.

Even as a kid, it wasn't like I was like trying to avoid calories, even though it was calorie conscious. As a kid, I would throw out the- You were six. I was. I was six because it's salty on the outside. Yeah. And you like almost choke to death every single time.

Which we love. And it's like you're living, you're just, this is my, you're going in a submarine. I know I'll be into this in 20 years. Yeah. I was like getting kind of hor years. Yeah, I was like getting kind of horny about it when I was gay.

You went there. You brought there. Nice, Chris. You gave me the map. I was not even headed in that direction and you go, hey, you know,

a nice trail to take would be this one and you point me in that direction and then I get, okay, all right. All right. Okay, now you're going to give it back to me. On this one, and you point me in that direction, and then I get, okay, all right. All right, so now you're going to give it back to me. On this podcast, there will be payback.

I will get you. Deep tease. I will take you somewhere where you'll go glaze, and you'll want it taken out, but we're going to leave it in. All right, so, okay. That trail brings us back to trail mix, which my dad is eating by the fistful and also doing the cherries double dose of course at one point he just throws a cherry pit into the trail mix which nobody knows about until matt takes a handful of trail mix and then i see him go he's like choking and he's like ow my tooth and then he's like spits something out and then he rushes to the bathroom and I'm like I already know what this is

and then he comes out and he looks furious so Matt has broken open a cherry pit thinking it's a peanut and swallowed it no

broke the cherry pit it used to be in your dad's mouth by the way disgusting yes so he looks like grossed out

I just heard the prices right I'm not even kidding you it just played and I wondered if Noah played it Yes. So he looks like grossed out. I just heard the prices right. I'm not even kidding you. It just played and I wondered if Noah played it. What the fuck did I do? That was weird. Well, that was perfect.

It's like it, but it was perfectly on time. What if my brain is putting those sounds in stuff? I gotta get you a soundboard. That was so weird. Did anyone else who's listening to the podcast hear it because i'm scratching my ear this is how people hear ghosts like sometimes i'll hear like anya and i know it didn't happen in real life but i'll hear don't do that but i'll hear like voices what no that's good that's really good because that's your inner voice because i all these books i'm reading you were hearing

like voices if you listen if you're really plugged in with your body and your mind, your subconscious is telling you shit all the time, so you're plugged into that. Am I? That inner voice. Whereas my inner voice is me, so I would never hear, if I go like, ew, that shirt's ugly, I would never think it was someone else. It's like Dave Matthews

said on stage that blew my mind. He was like, I read somewhere. He goes, this is what he said. He goes, it smells good out there tonight, everyone. And you go, woo, pot. He's talking about weed. He's talking about that smoking weed out here in the lawn. He smells it.

He's only 17. And he hikes his guitar way up and goes, you know what, sometimes. No, but when he said that he goes, he had like a revelation and he shared it with us. And I already said this, but it, um, bears are beanie, um, that, uh, uh, the, he was like, someone told me that the voices in my head,

I'm just an audience for them. They're not me. Like, I'm just listening to them. They're not me. And that like, he separated. And then he started going into,

and he was like going into some of the voices and they were like, you're not as talented as you think you are. Everyone doesn't like you. Like it was all the voices that I have. And I was like, you're not as talented as you think you are. Everyone doesn't like you. Like, it was all the voices that I have and I was like, you're fucking Dave Matthews. With like,

who is one of the biggest grossing artists of, not the grossest. Well, I mean, he went through a couple of years. But he's back.

He is back, baby. He looks good. Not that I would ever care about that. I've only tried to be one person. All right. He looks good. Not that I would ever care about that. I only attracted one person. All right. Rob Thomas v. Dave Matthews right now. Okay.

Dave Matthews because it's just ingrained in me as a child. Like, as literally a 17-year-old. I guess we could count that as a child. To be, like, attracted to him. But Rob Thomas is more like your friend that you acknowledge he's cute, but he's like, he's just the, Rob Thomas, I can't get over it.

He's the best person. I wish, I can't wait for you to meet him. I looked at his tour schedule so we could go hang out with him because he's gonna love you. You guys are gonna be best buds. It's gonna be wild. We're gonna go on tour with him.

I'm obsessed. Every story I've heard about him has been great yeah from other people Courtney she's talked to him like four times

over the years working in radio and he's always been kind he's always been hilarious she had like specific stories to tell about him and like you just can't find

a bad story about old RT I think he's a monster oh god no I'm kidding I'm god Nikki text into the show I text you Anya and I'm like actually you keep your mouth fucking shut about that incident

in 1997 when you interviewed him RT got friend zoned so fast by good old Glazed Dog so what happens he doesn't want any of this and I don't want our relationship i'm not gonna be friends with day matthews so i could say like oh he's so hot or whatever but if i want to be friends with someone i'm also not going to sexualize them either and i would not want him to do that to me yeah you've

got boundaries i have good but you and taylor both commented on how he was a good looking guy well i'm commenting on he looks exactly the same as he did in the 90s and um that that but he was a good looking guy well i'm commenting on he looked exactly the same as he did in the 90s and um that that but he is a good looking guy there's no but it's not easy what's going on over there let's get back let's get back to matt being furious with let me just say he didn't almost kill matt matt just almost broke a tooth which is terrible but you don't you the cherry seed is never going to choke you to death. It's not that. I was shocked to learn.

Cherry pits have cyanide in them. If chewed, you could release some cyanide. And there's conflicting reports. I immediately was like, babe, you're going to be fine. Why would we have them all over the place constantly? If kids could get their hands on them, kids would, kids would be dying by the dough. It's not enough. It's a very small amount.

You have to eat like seven. The only person. But if you chew it, if you open the pit, it does, it's much worse than just swallowing it whole. Right. Because there's cyanide in there. And Matt evidently did that. I was like, you're going to be fine.

And he was, I think he was just like, I've fucking had it at this point. It had been a long weekend let's just say and um you know sucking on somebody else's cherry pit it's never disgusting sucking on cherry pits okay i have some information so they do have they have cyanide in them a hard stone in the center of cherries is full of prussic acid also known as cyanide, which is poisonous. But don't freak out because if you accidentally swallow one, it'll just pass through your system. But if you do what Matt did and you crunch down on it, eating just three to four pits of the Morello cherry or seven pits of red or black cherries will lead to cyanide toxicity.

And stomach cramps for days or death no a guy died a man died a grown man died after eating three cherry pits which of course matt finds that article i'm like let's put the internet away and just like sit did he eat it though he spit it out though right he ate it he like he's like i think i swallowed half of it and half of it I spit out. I'm not sure. I think at that point he was just done and I had to leave him alone. I'm going to be like one of these wives someday that wants to kill you. Remember how wives

kill their husbands and they're like, here's this tea, honey. I'm going to be like, it's a new cherry pit tea I found. Apple seed cherry pit tea. And Chris is going to be like, here's some penny royalty. What's this ring about? I think I've heard about this before.

I'm like, we did a podcast about it, you fucking dumb fuck. Didn't you? That's what you said I think last time I was on. You were like, how dumb is this guy

for marrying a girl that wants to kill him? Yeah. And you're going to be that, but you're going to be senile. It's not your fault. Oh, okay, cool. Like you're smart now.

She's going to wait it out. And you don't, and I'm fucking crazy. Right now, I would never kill you, but no one knows what's going to be senile. It's not your fault. Oh, okay, cool. Like, you're smart now. She's going to wait it out. And I'm fucking crazy. Right now, I would never kill you. But no one knows what's going to happen in 30 to 40 years. We don't know what voices are in your head or what sound effects are going to lead you to kill me. Yeah, all of a sudden, it's going to be like, bump, bump. It's Jaws.

It's going to be a lot on order. Bump, bump. A lot on order. I mean, while she's waiting for me to die. Re, re, re, re. What's the I mean while she's waiting for me to die what's the sound effect while she's waiting for me to die yes Brian

that's great just kidding I do love your your it's so crazy it's so good we can learn I'm not even gonna try

your mom can do the whistle oh her whistle's insane. The mouth whistle. Can anyone do that one? I've always wanted to do that. You can kind of do it, Chris. It sounds terrible. It looks like you're trying to kill yourself with two guns.

Like you're doing like, oh, that was a horrible conversation. Double bulimic. What's the trick to doing it? You fold your tongue, right? Yeah, you fold your tongue back. I mean, yeah, you fold your tongue back. My mom can do it with like one hand. One hand. I have to do it? What's the trick to doing it? You fold your tongue, right? Yeah, you fold your tongue back. I mean, yeah, you fold your tongue back. My mom could do it with like- One hand.

One hand, I have to do it with two. Badass. Yeah. One hand is so badass. I remember seeing kids do this. That's good. Flip a bird. It's like a Native American flute.

Yeah. Yeah. And when I was a child, I was like, that is so cool. Just this, like the shape of it, where the fingers are bent. What are you doing to us? I'm just showing you something that is almost as cool as a one-handed whistle.

You're flipping up the bird. But when I was a kid, I would have to hold my fingers down and I couldn't figure out. Look how lame this looks. Are you mad at Brian? I get it. I saw a kid the other day that was so cute. It was like a baby and he had just learned how to do thumbs up. And he had done something. And they were like, yay.

And he looked at his hands. And he was just really focused. And he was just like, slowly his thumbs went up. And he was like, yeah. But he had to look at every finger. It's almost like, yeah. It was so cute. That's how I was when I learned the bird.

Yeah, yeah. It makes sense. We were skydiving, me and my sister. I think I gave it to her for her 18th birthday you sky dove? yeah with my sister and on the way down

I think she tried she's not this kind of person like she doesn't do like but I think on the way down she tried to flip me off as like just to be funny

with me but instead she held up all the fingers except for her middle finger her brain wasn't working properly she's not a person Instead, she held up all the fingers except for her middle finger. Her brain wasn't working properly. Yeah, she doesn't do it. She's just like, ah, I'm going to die.

She's not a person that gives the middle finger. Dude, that is so hard. Yeah, it's hard to do, but she did it. Oh, I get so nervous whenever people post their pictures and they're like, let's do the heavy metal rock. I'm always like, I'm going to do some Nazi symbol. I know, because I don't know which one is. You should do the opposite, because Taylor Swift is, and then it becomes like the Dane Cook super finger. Oh, yes. You should do the opposite. Cause like Taylor Swift is, and then it becomes like the Dane Cook super finger.

Oh yes. Taylor Swift gives the horns. I saw it with my own eyes. What do you mean? She went like this, like this. Oh, she does.

Yeah. Oh yeah. She can, I mean, she's can do everything. I don't know why I'm putting that like the simple hand movement as like, God, she's so fucking amazing.

She can sing. She can dance. She writes her own music. She's a fucking near billionaire and she can do the devil horn with her hand like without thinking yeah as of today she's number two on the uh lady musician list yeah and she did it without the use of slave labor to make her products like true like rihanna did so rihanna's i'm sorry no no what can you do rihanna's number one and it's totally on the backs of slave labor making all of her Fenty stuff. Oh, that's just total money?

Total money earned? Yeah. Taylor has her merch, but Taylor's never been, we were talking about this in the Kitsch just before. This is just a little private little purview into Chris and I's life. We were talking about this.

And yeah, Taylor Swift doesn't take any money to perform in Dubai. She's never done a private party ever. She doesn't do any, like I'm not going to say ever, but she doesn't do any private events where they pay them millions of dollars. So this bitch is about to make a billion dollars

with just her music. It's crazy. And her merchandise, which needs some help. Yeah, she would have been a bill a long time ago if that merch was top notch. It's true. I mean, yeah, but we'll still buy it.

Okay, we got to go to break. We have a lot to talk about. Brian's marriage. Noah went to Taylor Swift this weekend. Huge. We did, I don't know. It looks great. My dad performed with me in California

and Anya had her parents in town so we'll talk about all that and more and maybe not even all of it most likely not all of it we got too much to get to so we'll be back right after this catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners,

like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Let's start off with Frangie's wedding because we've talked about it a little bit. What a time. I'm almost wanting to start with Noah because what Noah experienced this weekend is almost the same as like a marriage because it's something you only get to do once or eight times in a summer

in your life it was transformational but um uh no let's start with Brian's which relationship do you think is going to last longer Noah's with Taylor Swift or Brian's with his wife I think they're both going to go the full I think there's no going back for Noah now there's no like nothing could happen that will make Noah not a Swifty um okay Brian how are you feeling now um almost is it like almost two weeks out of being married what's been like um it's been great I was very i had a lot of anxiety leading up to it peak anxiety i i couldn't sleep the night before i didn't sleep for a single second the night before i had to cancel my morning brunch that i'm supposed to have with my boys or whatever that was a good call though yeah definitely those guys well i just late in bed just not sleeping

for hours i thought maybe lane in bread was like one of those things you researched and like help somebody's anxiety i got a gigantic loaf of warm bread and i laid in it and it didn't even help and what was the anxiety if you don't mind me asking was it was it like a hundred different things seeing all the family was it doing your vows and not like best man's speech yeah here's what they don't tell you about uh weddings is that everyone puts an incredible amount of pressure on you everyone puts an incredible amount of pressure on you to have the best day of your life and if you're not having the best day of your life you're a piece of shit you make everybody sad oh my god you're so right and that's why i had anxiety because i frequently feel like shit i have chronic pain and all these types of

problems and i was worried that i was gonna feel like shit on my wedding day and then on top of that disappoint everybody who's all trying so hard to make me have a great time lying like just saying that you had the best day or you know like if you didn't like i also wanted to have a good time you know i i think that's i didn't want to lie to myself you you were you wanted you wanted to have the best time. You know, I didn't want to lie to myself. You wanted to have the best time. I understand the pressure that other people put on you, like this better be the best day. But I think deep down,

you wanted to have the best day possible. And I also hear that a lot from Anya about her anxiety. It's like, I want to make sure that I absorb this day and I remember it

and I have memories from this day and that it is the most special day of my life. But it's just a day and it's a party and it's wait before you finish can I share a funny story I was freaking out having an anxiety spiral at like midnight or one I can't remember it felt like one in the morning and Nikki's caught you know as always like talking me off the ledge and she's like play out your fears i'm like that i won't be present that i'll miss it that i'm gonna fuck something up i'll forget something important you read your exact thing because it was very interesting i do have it i can't i have it

okay but and then she can i just read in your tone what you said to me because it made me laugh so fucking hard i'm yeah i'm on imagine me in bed in the dark just like all on the verge of tears and i won't be present and i won't be there i want to have a nice day and be present but i'm already lamenting it lamenting it being over and me missing it because i wasn't really allowing myself to have fun i'm not even making sense thanks for listening to this i'd feel better just writing it out and then Nikki goes babe no offense no one cares at all she goes literally everyone will forget everything about this day the moment it's over I go no one uh there's uh where did I say what say? Um, there was something else that made me laugh. So it was like a combination of over and over.

Like, babe, no one cares. Yes. And it doesn't matter at all. It just made me laugh so hard. It, the anxiety passed.

Yes. I go, it's just a party. And much like every person. Oh, this is it. It's just a party. And much like every person I know who throws parties's just a party and much like every person i know

who throws parties you're riddled with anxiety i don't and i said i don't get why people do them and i said um oh god where is it i want to get it right because no one is going to cut you out of their life because you didn't respond to an email in person okay this is another thing you were like people are emailing me back But there was a worry about kombucha. This was the big worry. She goes, She's worried it has cyanide in it. Yeah. No, the chef wanted to know if she should

bring a big mason jar. I can't sleep because it's so many decisions to be made and so many things to do. Overwhelming to the point of paralysis. Eventually I'll get to it, but it's all exhausting. So true. Too many dumb things like whether i have to decide on whether i want to serve kombucha in a big container or just let people serve themselves and i can't even bring myself to reply to an email i said big container there done and she's like i mean i'm doing my own hair and makeup but i'm like is this the dumb decision which i totally get too because i you

know i did a whole podcast about i did my own hair and makeup for Ted Lasso event and I like was like crying all night long yes I said do your own hair and makeup you know what you like because I know you and like you don't like any big eyelashes and like crazy winged thing like you don't want to you don't need to contour you know what you look like pretty and then um I said I said babe this will be a bunch of pics on Instagram for one day. And those pics will only be revisited by you and Matt after that. And that I know that's harsh, but it's true. No, it's true. How you look does not need to be like you're going to the Oscars.

Like, it's not going to be. I said, weddings are forgettable. They all are. You don't have to. And I go and about like she's worried. Well, this is the thing about weddings that i worry about and i talked to chris like if we have a wedding i feel like i'll never see chris because he will have to like spend individual time with everyone because you they like made the effort to

be there and you want to have a moment with everyone and i said you don't have to hang with them it's their choice to come let them be mad at you would you be mad at them in the same circumstance and then i said and it's New York City like if they flew in they can find things to do get on a fucking double-decker bus take a tour go to a Broadway show take a tour down the street walk on the high line um but yeah my mom gets mad at me too when she's like getting dressed and I go and she's like should I wear this with this and I go no one is looking at. And that soothes me because I had the revelation at a young age in the gym in LA where everyone was so fit and perfect. And I was going through like a chubby phase of my life and I didn't want to go to the gym.

And I went there and I realized no one is looking at me. Everyone's looking at themselves. And it's the same as I gave the same advice to Noah for Taylor Swift because she was worried about, should I wear the sparkly dress or should I wear this red dress? It's a little more subdued. Like, I don't want to be going over. And I go, no offense.

Like no one is going to look at you because no one, everyone's so obsessed with their own outfit. They are just like, are people looking at me? And so no one looks at you. No one gives a shit about what anyone does at any time unless it hurts them personally.

Yes, and weddings are great. But just think about the weddings you've been to in your life. Yes, you have fond memories of them, but you're not remembering every detail of them. You're not revisiting. You're not flipping through photos and going, wow, that wedding I went to four years ago. It's important to the people who have it.

So don't worry about other people's experience as much, was my point. Not to be like, no one cares because we do care. We're going, but take a little bit

of that off. I'll be looking at you the whole time judging the whole, every second I'm there, I'm going to be like, I can't believe she made that decision with her dress.

No, my main thing was just like, But even like, Princess Kate getting married. But I remember a lot of good things about Brian's wedding. I know it was only two weeks ago, but those are the things, the highlights that you remember, like, I remember I remember a lot of good things about Brian's wedding I know it was only two weeks ago but those are the things the highlights that you

remember like I remember thinking oh man it's gonna rain on this wedding we're in trouble and then the hail started coming down and I'm like oh this wedding is screwed like I don't know what I mean Brian's gonna be devastated and then everything cleared up well yeah as soon as it started so it was the day of the wedding and we knew that there was a likelihood of various storms in the mountains it always changes and it started drizzling in the morning and i was very worried then that it was going to rain all day as soon as it started hailing it was hailing buckets of like buckets of like white on the ground yes it looked like it would it snowed yes it was like red rocks that concert everyone one of the bridesmaids fell down the stairs because it was too slippery and she

sprained her ankle yeah aubrey yeah aubrey aubrey who is a bestie by the way bestie aubrey i hope your ankle's better babe also by the way there's a there's many besties in grand lake i didn't even know this but the um the executive chef of the lodge restaurant is a bestie i met her yeah yeah that was cool um yeah she she listens to the podcast she delivered my beyond burger patty and uh mushrooms in the for breakfast and she was like and i'm a really huge fan i don't want to bother you but like literally gone before i can even like look at her face and i was stuffing it down my face and then she comes up she's like i tell everybody not to ever do this to guests but I'm asking you for a picture she's in charge so she's like don't ever do this to people but she's like I'm doing it her name's Caroline Schwartz I met

her at the dinner uh I had dinner at the lodge after the wedding and she came up to our table and was like thank you for inviting Nikki Clayson to your wedding. It was the best day of my life. Oh, that's so nice. She was so nice. Yeah, yeah. That was really, that was, it was just a cool, like, it was a cool weekend altogether.

Chris and I got there on Thursday and the wedding was Saturday and it was like, it was the smallest place I've stayed in in my whole career since I was like traveling in Illinois as a one-nighter comedian doing like shitty bars.

A real blindside small room, I'd say say like the smallest hotel room i will ever stay in the rest of my life no there's no way there's no way we'll ever get smaller than that and it really brought me back to like when i would drive to carbondale to perform at a holiday inn like bar and grill and no one would be listening to me and i just check into like a you know a motel essentially but it we got in i was like this is really small but that's what it was and it was not bad at all because you don't even spend time in your room you just sleep there i don't need a lot of space yeah it was it was great and it's clean as fuck and it was nicely

decorated it wasn't like it wasn't like a motel grungy it was like just small it was nice though no i loved it i think the whole point of those tiny rooms is to get you to hang out at the lodge yeah get out they want everybody to be like kellermans and dirty dancing and hang out in one space right definitely like a summer camp vibe there was there was two moments when nikki had great i was very gracious and one of them was the the small rooms but the other one was when the dj started playing a terrible the dj was amazing he was the best dj in the world but he did play a remix of a taylor swift song that was like okay this is the story this is that's so funny so he is he was a great dj he was very into it very professional every song he would put he would play like the

perfect amount of chorus and verse and then you would transition out of the song and you would almost hear like a new song coming in and you'd go like what the fuck is this i know it but i don't know what it's gonna be and we were about chris how long into the night were we i was saying i was saying nikki is like is one of the most intuitive people this is the nicest thing you've ever said it is i can't tell you how many times nikki will will be watching tv or will be somewhere and nikki like pause tv and be like say something well we were listening to a podcast recently. What was it? It was,

um, uh, Oh, it was, uh, my dad wrote a porno. So, which is a great podcast that,

um, Chris and I have always been talking about starting, but on this road trip back from Colorado to the airport, we were like, let's start it. And we were listening to it. And the, this girl's dad,

this guy's dad wrote a porno and they're all making fun of it the whole time, which is the, you know, the, that's the idea is just to mock it. But I was kind of getting a little bit turned on by the writing because it was like a little bit like they were making fun of it being like they were making fun of the fetish in it, which was kind of like this girl's like just like an object and like the people are just like using her. And they're like, and then I stopped it and and i go i don't think these people watch porn i like pause it i go i they're making fun of it in a way like i get making fun of the writing and the word choice but like this is actually something people are very into and this dad is kind of nailing it and then we press play again and this girl goes i just want to say i don't watch porn it was like and chris was like how did you know because i was like that was the porn. It was like, Chris was like, how did you know? Cause I was like,

that was the point where it was like, cause she has to address that. She's not getting this. And the night before Nikki turned to me and it's, she's like, it has been an hour and a half. And this DJ hasn't played one single Taylor Swift song. The song ends like 30 seconds later.

And then the Taylor Swift song comes on. And Chris goes, are there, this was another thing. He goes, are there Taylor Swift songs that are appropriate for a wedding? And there aren't many, to be honest with you, like when you're really wanting to dance. But we've got Shake It Off.

We've got We Are Never Getting Back Together. And there's a couple other ones. But those are the two main ones. So Shake It Off begins. I would dance to You're Being Too Loud, too. You're Being Too Loud. Yeah. You need to calm down. Yeah yeah that'd be a good one

yeah um but that's me uh but shake it off he he the whole night he is playing so every song the normal way like you were saying he he was he would manipulate the bpms a little bit for some songs so he'd get in and out of songs yes but every other crank up to like what they were every other song so this song starts and i'm telling you he slowed it down by 30 percent at least i stay out too late oh god got nothing in my brain yeah it was like taylor swift on yeah and brian came up to me about a minute in because we were keeping like waiting for the beat to drop where it would be like shake it off and it just wasn't and you could tell it wasn't ever going to and brian came up and he goes is this acceptable i said is this offensive yes yes yes is this offensive to you and i go absolutely and he laughed and i go but it's funny because it's it's funnier than

if he played it normal i got more joy out out of this song never reaching any kind of apex where you can let loose in any way. You would rather him just never even... I would rather be like, oh, this guy just doesn't know that Taylor Swift has a few good songs at a wedding. Right. Instead of bastardizing them.

But that was... But I enjoyed it. But the rest of the songs were so fun. Oh my God. So I do want to just defend him. He was the best DJ we danced the entire night the dance floor was on fire the whole night and he

was responsible for that he knew the right songs to play he was amazing and so gracious and great the whole time he lent us a speaker for the day before he is amazing if you're in the Colorado right here DJ Perry he's booked until 2025 you can't get him but he is you can't even get

him you can't get him even get him good luck you're getting married in 10 years book dj people were dancing right away and it was still light outside and that was a surprising to me that as soon as the speeches wrapped up and dinner was like already eaten everyone ran to the dance floor and it was it was packed the whole time one thing i'm having anxiety right now. Why? Because I don't have dancing at my wedding. My wedding is like a lunch garden party. But that's fine. That's what it is. That's what it is.

You're getting married during the day, in the afternoon. And I told you you should have dancing and you said, I don't want it. So like you chose that. Brian got the best DJ in Denver. This was a choice. But no, no. One thing I did love is Brian's crew was great. It kind of reminded me of like friends.

Cause most of the guys that were there were high school friends. Yes. And they were taking shots at Brian all weekend. Oh yeah. The wives were taking shots. It made me feel like right at home. Yeah. We were in the hot tub and like people would just get in and,

and they were all, they all knew Brian from high school. Brian has like 10 friends from high school and all of their wives were there. They've got a guys chat. I think it's like 15 people. Yeah, it's about 15. A guys chat?

We have nine. I asked what they talk about in the guys chat because your buddy Steinman, he was telling who I love so much, which by the way, everyone was shit talking Steinman all weekend. Being like, oh, you don't even want to run into this guy. I wouldn't characterize it. He's a mess.

Hold on. I wouldn't characterize it. You didn't hear what I heard. You were going to get towels. These girls were like, I go, is Steinman married? Because they're all like, oh, all of our husbands. And I go, which one of you is married to the guy who's giving the speech that I've heard about? Who's like so crazy and so wild. And they're like, oh, no one could love Steinman.

He'll never find anyone. I'm like, he's awesome. He's the best. He gave the best speech. He gave, he fucking killed the speech. And he was like a normal guy. He was awesome. I was like, who is this guy?

I pictured like a Chris Farley character being like just out on him, drunk, stumbling everywhere, kind of like a chaotic man. He was such a reliable good hang at the end of the night. And one of the best best made speeches I've ever heard in my life. Yes. Oh, truly. Do you have any highlights from that? My favorite was that he was like Brian at the last the last line he added. He said he didn't.

He wrote that joke this morning, but he's closed it and he goes, and Brian is on strike from a job he doesn't even have. So funny. What was your favorite line? That was probably it, but he had a few great, I mean, Brian, what were some of your favorites? Oh God, it's all a blur. I couldn't, I don't remember anything. I have a printout of the speech,

but I don't remember any specifics. I'm dying to hear your vows. His vows were unbelievable. Brian's opening line for his wedding vows was the one that killed me. That's the one I've been telling people. How long did you prepare, etc.?

The vows? Well, before I go to the vows, I just want to finish the hail thing because it was drizzling during the day and I was afraid that it was going to rain all day. But then as soon as it started hailing, I said to the wedding coordinator, who was also the best, I said, this ceremony is going to be outside. As soon as it started hailing, because I knew that in the mountains, if it hails that much, it's going to stop pretty soon. Maybe we would have had to have delayed the ceremony by 20 or 30 minutes,

but there's just not that much water in the air to allow. Yeah, it's never hailed for days. Yes. So as soon as it started hailing, everyone was like, oh no, we're gonna have to do it inside. And I was like, make sure we wipe down the benches, make sure the staircases swept because we're doing this outside. And it was.

It was beautiful. It was like sunny and gorgeous. And it wasn't like sopping wet everywhere it was like a perfect ceremony i cried instantly when you started walking when you were walking towards the really whatever yeah instantly why the knoll because i just knew you were looking at how i was dressed and you were like he's disgusting no you looked so handsome you looked so handsome it was just like I saw the importance on your face like I saw a little bit of

nerves I saw like how special this was to you like on your face and I just like couldn't handle it and I started like welling up like instantly because it was just like I just saw all the love you had for Allie like everything was just on your face i don't know why you know and then your cute little dog was there yeah jack was there

nicky you're an extreme empath i have frequently said things to you about like my pains or whatever and i can see you feeling my pain and i think that's an incredible uh personality trait so i think i will never say that i'm an empath because I hate people that do. And they're usually not because it's just a way to be like, there's a lot of people on FBoy Island. Let me just say that are always like, and because I'm an empath, like I like get what you're saying about your struggle. You can't say that about yourself. He's like, my name's Jack. Yeah.

If you say it about yourself, you're not an empath. Well, and I used to have a therapist who told me I had no empathy, but I think I'm brimming with it. I think you're brimming with it. Thank you, Brian. Well, that's why you felt that. No, I really felt it. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was just so, yeah, that was a, and then just, you know, every, let's get to your vows though. Anya wants to know how, when you started preparing and how long it took you. Six years ago, Anya. Before I even met All Ali, I started writing. No, I took about a month prior I wrote a first draft and then just like mulled it over. Just like I was mulling it over. I just did notes in my phone. And then like I'd say I looked it over like four more times. Ani is stressing out.

The biggest time I looked it over was that the night before when I wrote it down in my little book. And the day before that we were in Vail. I did a pass on it. But normally I only spend

like I did my brother's best man speech. I did Rob Stern's best man speech i did rob stern's uh best man speech and i wrote those the day of normally i do it the day i would write the day of best man speeches oh no like when he was the best man when i was like i kind of want to do that control everyone's speech but for the house i knew that there was going to be a certain expectation especially amongst the my high school friends and stuff that these you say especially especially expectations were from no it's especially especially no especially i'm gonna brian you are too smart to be saying especially it was especially i think for my high school friends and my family

especially to prove it to my family. Like, I'm a good writer. I'm funny. You know, I needed this to be good. Oh, yeah. Because everybody that I ever cared about or loved is sitting there in these seats. Wow. And it's not just that I care about and love them, but also I have something to prove to some of these people.

Some of Ali's family never even met me. And I'm like, I'm going to show you who I am in my writing. Well, it wasn't even like you did you did that and you weren't trying to be too funny because first of all you just are funny and so you be you trying to be sincere even became really fun you like being as sincere as possible was hilarious can we just go can you walk us through your vows can we just hear it I laughed so hard multiple times I think the besties deserve to hear the whole thing it's pretty long so I won't do the whole thing but I can

there's some moments that really got me there was one moment where the salmon runner was great there was one moment where no matter how many times I read it to myself I couldn't not cry and I was like I'm not gonna cry I don't know how you didn't sob the whole time Brian I just want to say that

it was a miracle because i feel like shit probably nine out of ten days of the week and i didn't sleep a single second before this day and the entire day i felt a solid 85 percent which is like i best I've felt. I think it proves that it's in your head, which you already know. You know everything. I know that. I like that you know that. I was a solid 85%.

It was a miracle. And honestly, I felt all that. I'm so glad. I was so worried about that. All that anxiety. But when I was with my groomsmen in the getting ready room i said to them you know i i i made i said a line rob was there and he laughed out loud i didn't realize it was funny i said i didn't sleep at all last night not a single second but if i do sleep i know i would have ground and clacked my teeth so i guess it's better to be tired than in pain yes yes yeah I agree like you would have had some

like crazy nightmares and stress dreams that would have like added to the overall stress so you were just tired but not in pain and so that's how I felt going into the up to this but once I got there all that anxiety and the pressure of my friends and family wanting me to have the best time of my life turned into incredible feelings of love and support. And I felt amazing. And I can honestly say this. I know it's cliche, but this was the best day of my life. Best day of my life.

I had the best time. I married the love of my life and I have no regrets. And the whole day was amazing. And this anxiety was lifted off of me and i think during the you know during the dancing and stuff it was truly like being on drugs it was cathartic we were so happy not just that we got married but that it was over all of it's over now multiple times ali and i raised our hands in the air and said it's fucking over we're done we don't have to do any more shit.

That felt so good. The highlight of my night, despite all the laughs and your stuff and like all the joy with her vows. And like how pretty I looked. And how pretty Nikki made me say she looked. Was when I went, I got like two minutes with Allie

in the middle of the dancing and the first thing she said was this is this is the greatest day of my life and I was just like I was overcome with joy

because I knew she meant it like she loves old Brian it was in my top like thousand days honestly

and that's like a lot it was filled with joy and laughs and friends it was it was truly like a perfect wedding if If I could just have that be my wedding,

it seemed like the best. And Allie looks like, she's beautiful when you're going on a hike, and she's beautiful when she's hanging out and all that fun stuff. It looked like she was born to be a bride. Yeah, she looked stunning

and her dress was perfect but she and she also got down on the dance floor in a way i've never if you think i if you've seen me dance at like a swift concert and you're kind of like wow take it easy nikki you don't know what dancing is until you see this girl what was beautiful like she was bopping around do you know what song do you remember what song was i i would have it would take me a little bit but there's a song that's something like it lit up hot wires all the girl like all of her friends must have like done this song at usc was it space no it was it was after space jam was one of them but oh yeah there was one after space jam where i remember it was um

they were like and that's one of my favorite things is those beautiful moments where like every single friend, if they hear it, it's like a beacon that they all have to gather together. And there was a few of those songs where like all of her girlfriends knew we've got to get to the dance floor.

For me, it was YMCA. That was mine. But here's this. YMCA, as it's playing, I was saying to Chris, this is the gayest song imaginable. I can't believe the lyrics how gay that song is. You can hang out with all the boys.

You can hang out with all the boys. You can do whatever you please. You can have a good... And then it's about getting homeless boys off the street, which is a nice thing. And it's like, you can come in, you can get clean, you can have a good meal, and then you can fucking fuck each other.

Whatever you feel. Yeah. And if that's what you feel. It's like you can come in, you can get clean, you can have a good meal, and then you can fucking fuck each other. Do whatever you feel. Yeah. And if that's what you feel. It's so gay. Yeah. And it's so, your body just knows YMCA. Like, you don't even have to think about it. It's like, it's like the thumbs up thing.

You can't not dance to YMCA. The beginning beat is so danceable. But in the 70s, did people, like, were accepting of gay people? Like, were in the 70s where people like this song's fucking gay and like no they still don't know people who aren't gay i think don't even realize because like i think in republic i think maybe donald trump wanted that to be his like theme song and they said no like there was some republican who was like i wanted to be my theme song but the ymca now is like you can have you can come in and

get your picture taken and then pay 30 you can go on the slide in the lazy river it's like like you can run into a bunch of families you cannot go past this gate because you didn't scan your card yeah it's not the same but it used to be like a fucking gay bathhouse fun you can walk on the sidelines of a pickup basketball game and feel really nervous about getting in with real athletes you can go on a treadmill that a fat guy didn't wipe down you can do whatever you can watch fox news on the screens it's like that's uh what's going on at YMCA's now. Anyway, that's... I wanted to show you this picture. This is like a preview picture

that the photographer sent. Oh my god. Yeah, that was Allie's energy. Just bouncy. That's my dad in the background. He's so cute. I didn't know my son was such a stud yeah your dad was so proud

of you it was sweet i sent that picture oh sorry i want to hear that but i sent that picture to uh darian hip-hop henning and i said oh yeah and i said i said i just got married and you weren't there in person but you were definitely there in my hips and knees and i couldn't have done it without you and hip-hop denning truly he is the reason I was able to have a good- Brian's dance coach for every once a week for two years. For a year and a half. Oh my God. Yeah, it did pay off.

You looked so fluid and comfortable in your casual dancing. Thank you. Can we just, can I just hear the first couple lines of your vows? Because that's what really got me. Okay, so Ali's, it worked out that ali's vow was always ali's vows were amazing but it also worked they were so funny too and they were funny they were amazing heartfelt i loved them and they also worked as a setup for my first line which wound up being a punch line it wouldn't have gotten a laugh if ali didn't do her vows oh that way

no i didn't expect the first line to get a laugh they don't hear each other's vows. Did you plan it that way? No, I didn't expect the first line to get a laugh. They don't hear each other's vows. Matt wants to go over our vows before the wedding. I wouldn't. I would be surprised. That's the point of it. He said I wouldn't. I wouldn't go over the vows. We got lucky in that we didn't

cover the same ground in our vows, but I think it was so nice hearing them from the heart in person on the day. Yeah, Fred's supposed to go first. It doesn't matter. Whoever you think should... Why don't we take a break and come back and listen to Brian's vows?

Because we gotta do that, and we're not gonna get enough in before we go. So we'll be right back, and you're gonna want to hear it. Brian's vows after this. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups

This podcast gives you content You won't find anywhere else Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts Or wherever you get your podcasts Alright Dearly beloved

We are gathered here Brian, will you read some of your vows yes so ali did her vows and then um my first line was hers were amazing by the way i don't want to breeze past that i'm not just saying like oh they were cute and lovely they they made me cry so much and um and they were the you're right the perfect setup to yours. Because Ally's vows were funny and heartfelt, but they were also more normal. And then because my first line. Because she is. Because she's normal. Yeah.

Because she's like, I love you. And then it's swelled to a loving thing. And then I say, before I met you, I was very lonely. That was the first line. He needed it crushed. It was so funny. It was just so blunt. And it was so true because everyone there knew that.

Everyone there knew Brian's plight. He wanted to find somebody. It wasn't working out. It was a miracle that he found Allie. Oh my God. The line that made me cry. It's even thinking about it. I can't even,

can you do the line at the, well, just take us through, but you got to do the line. I'm not, I don't want to tease it at all. Just keep going. And if you don't do it, I'll tell you. I start telling the story about, I had been single and searching for someone for a long time.

I lost hope I would find anyone. My expectations were very low, which also got a laugh. I didn't expect that. Yeah, that was hilarious. I used to say, I want someone who will ask me what i want for dinner tonight which i've said to you nikki before uh that that's when i was searching for someone i would always say i just want someone that will ask me what i want for dinner tonight because that's like the symbol of just like we're

a partnership mom i mean yeah yeah yeah sure and then I threw in quick question can I get clarification on that like is that open to like Uber Eats or are we talking

like what do you want me to cook for you tonight well that's my joke I said oh sorry something I realized now I could get

from like a McDonald's no but yeah like they go what do you want for dinner tonight I pictured the person saying it was so, but honest question. They go, what are you going for dinner tonight? I pictured the person saying it was so funny.

But honest question, like in your dreams, were you looking for someone who was cooking for you or you just wanted them to care? I wanted somebody, when you're single and alone, no one gives a shit

what you do at any time. You don't have to clear anything with anybody. But when you're with somebody, a very normal thing in a relationship is for you to say hey what are we doing for dinner tonight and that's what i wanted i wanted that cooking yeah i wanted that like sort of routine and that expectation that someone else is like interested and on board with whatever it is that we're doing together for

dinner it's a really beautiful, simplistic, poetic way of, you know, highlighting what relationships are about is about someone caring about the mundane, mundane needs. Your desires. Yeah.

What'd you like? Yeah. Um, and I always, when Chris says it, I always say your dick. So it's like, it is my dick.

Yeah, there it is. She did it. She did it. God, I'm sad always say, your dick. So it's like, it is my dick. Yeah, there it is. She did it. She did it. God, I'll say, I want your dick for dinner. Okay. Oh, man. The empty.

Take it out. Uber eats. That's good. It's Uber. That's what you're going to do. Okay. All right. So keep going on the vows. so then i start talking about dating so when i first

saw a picture of you on that dating app dressed like a pirate only one thought crossed my mind there's absolutely no way someone that beautiful will ever talk to me which is truly what i felt yeah but i said you know what we all felt yes no it's really crazy i really do think that she's out of my lady yeah she is so pretty. Yeah, she is. But I said, you know what? I'm just going to message her because I'm just messaging a lot of people right now. It's a numbers game. That was so funny. That was one of my favorite lines.

You go, but you know what? I'm going to message her because I'm just messaging a lot of people right now. I remember that got a huge laugh. But you know what? Because we thought you were going to say, I'm going to message her because, you know, on the off chance this girl will maybe respond. Or like, I'm going to message her because, you know, on the off chance this girl will maybe respond. Yeah. Or like, I feel some magic in the air.

There's something else here. You know, usually I would pass up on this, but there was something about the way her smile, you know, tilted to the side. But he was just like, because I was just messing with a lot of people. That was one of the biggest laughs I've ever heard at any comedy show. Okay, go on. So the fact that you not only responded, but also agreed to go on a date was quite frankly shocking i was certain you would cancel or maybe you were this was this was one of my actual punch lines i start i sort of regretted

having actual punch lines in there because i was like everyone knows i'm trying to get a laugh well no no no i don't think so you gotta it was perfect it felt perfect that's who you are anyway like you try to get laughs in your own life yeah i was trying to get some laughs so i was certain you would cancel or maybe you were an actual pirate who was about to ask me for money because that was an actual okay well i regret that for you as well let's skip over that one no no no it was good um the last thing i expected was the actual girl from that picture to walk through the doors of that weird airport themed bar i stupidly suggested and then I closed yes and then I when people laughed at that then I said it went out of business three months later because people

turns out people don't want to spend more time in an airport that's so funny I was off the cuff um yeah that was really good um riffing up there yeah now I'm riffing I'm doing crowd work doing crowd work what are you my mom? when I first saw you I thought you were the most beautiful person

I'd ever seen so beautiful the bartender was confused at what was even happening which is true he probably thought I was your agent I cannot I cannot believe how lucky I was your agent I cannot

I cannot believe how lucky I was to be sitting across from you that night you laughed at my weird jokes you were smart you were kind I was so nervous

and excited I talked for 45 minutes about salmon I went this is all true we talk about it all the time I went on and on about salmon

and where to buy salmon and what temperature to cook salmon and this is my vows yeah he kept talking he said salmon like eight times salmon as well correct she had front loaded the salmon thing so it was so funny because we we all knew they had not heard each other's speeches like it wasn't that vibe of like i would never in a million years think that they planned this but they both it was lovely that they had and that's what you'll have on you too is like you and matt will have crossovers in yours that will be genuine and

cute rather than like planned yeah i'm just gonna tell them i forbid us from doing there you go yeah love it yeah good that's what you should do um so for most girls you got them being alpha for most girls a 10 minute lecture about salmon on a first date would be a deal breaker but you said and i quote that's cool how much you know about salmon and she meant it that's why we go well together oh yes um and that's when i knew i'd be talking oh yeah i like that part where you go and she meant it like she was like that's cool how much you know about salmon like she really the beauty of the relationship is that she really gets brian yes like not only gets him but appreciates brian and for anybody that has like been getting to know brian over this this you know since the

start of the podcast once you get it you're all in oh yeah because i don't understand who's like there was some talk of like brian's kind of like a interesting different kind of guy which you know arguably he is who would not like brian frangie i don't understand it because you're only nice man you're not nice is first and foremost like you can't not like someone who's not nice sure you get grumpy sometimes and you like have strong opinions about things but overall you're like a very kind person which is like I forget I was telling my mom like how we met and I'm like he was just not he was a guy in Bloomington I was at a comedy club and he was nice and you want those people around if you

don't like Brian Frangie that's on you well i'm just talking about being like appreciating how amazing and hilarious he is like he you know while he was doing stand-up he was like my favorite comic i felt like he was larry david and bill burke in one human man yes i could totally wow and he's not doing stand-up enough anymore but man i just get him back out there we're'll get him back out there. So yeah, that line, the salmon stuff killed. I can say that I had to learn in my life the phrase, just kidding, because frequently,

if I'm in a conversation with somebody or meeting new people, I'll do a joke and they will not get it at all. So I learned to say, just kidding a lot in my life. Just kidding. Yes, exactly.

Yeah. Because if they don't get it and I don't say, just kidding, then they just look at me like I'm insane. That kidding. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Because if they don't get it and I don't say just kidding, then they're just looking at me like I'm insane. That's happened so many times. And sometimes you're not kidding though. Well, that's why you have to

really understand the nuance of Brian Frangie. And Allie does. And you could, I mean, she's really bought into this Frangie thing. Your brother told a hilarious Frangie story

when we were all gathered together after like, we had a really fun group at the end of the night everyone was kind of drunk you know and partying and the bride was with them and all and she was holding that down it was so nice of her to like stay with the main party because we kind of went up to the cabin with brian and rob stern and his uh the steinman guy and your brother who did the ceremony and then um chris and tim uh tim convey and tim was telling a story about uh oh and uh and rob's uh wife meredith meredith meredith yeah and so uh you were telling a story he was telling a story about when he lived with brian and they were like looking at apartments

or whatever and um he was going through like there was like kind of an they're just going through and brian's just, and what about this? And like, well, this seems a little, doesn't work very well. And he went up to a kitchen cabinet and like pulled on it and was like, and this doesn't even open. What's up with this? And then the landlord just goes, it opens on the other side. So he's like pulling on the inside being like, and what about this? Oh, so are you going to fix this?

He's like pre-empting it so you get a good deal okay back to vows i just want to say it was so amazing having all you guys there i'm i was so happy that you guys came so fun to be there it was like it made my the food was so good and that just the atmosphere and like all your friends were fun it was like and we chris and i just had like a great time on little like adventures that we went on together the town was cute and they did a bunch of thoughtful things like for people that were vegan they had like they made sure all the vegan people got stuff and then the gift bags were really thoughtful yeah they were so cute and i've never seen better um place cards like to find your table oh yeah

that was really nice. They're big on national parks. And they had your name. You had your name on them. But then also, I think they associated the closest or the national park that sort of made most sense to you. Yes. And they had the St. Louis Arch for us, which was pretty extraordinary.

The Gateway Arch table. It was cool. And yeah, it was just a great group of people. And the dancing was fun. and it was low-key, and there wasn't like, everyone has to look amazing. You're in Colorado, so it was kind of like a laid-back, and Brian wears fanny packs everywhere, so it was like the dress code, it wasn't like we need to be seen and look perfect. I felt like it was just casual and fun, and it was about having fun.

Yes. That was our number one goal, was we wanted everyone to have a good time. It was easy. We had the opposite of an Anya wedding. Oh, no, she's mad. What did he say? She looked like she just ate a cherry pie. All I heard was, food Anya wedding.

I said opposite of Anya wedding, sorry. I was just kidding. I am filled with so much anxiety, but that just sounds so lovely. I don't have gift bags. I don't have a theme. Don't compare. No one needs a gift bag because you don't have, you don't need gift bags, babe. You don't need gift bags.

I haven't thought about coasters or name tags. It's just, don't compare. There's no seat placements, babe. You don't need that. I should have thought. And the personal masseuses that they gave to us. You don't have to do those either. No one needs gift bags, Anya.

This was an added thing for people because they were coming in and staying the whole weekend at this place. It was a pain in the ass to get there. Honestly, I would never care if there wasn't gift bags. Ever, ever, ever. Oh, can I say one last thing quickly that I just remembered that Nikki said

to soothe my anxiety at two in the morning about my wedding? I go, and I over-inv invited people. I was supposed to have 50. It's in a tiny backyard and there's 60 people coming. And she goes, she goes, babe, so many people are going to get sick. I did. I said that. And you go, so many people are going to get sick. And I just started laughing and it all went away. What does that mean? It just means they're going to eat too many cherries i think you meant they're not gonna show before the wedding but it sounded like all my friends and droves are just gonna be getting

sick everywhere and canceling and i did not say so many people are gonna get sick there's no way that doesn't even make sense i said people can go inside no you said so many people are gonna get sick when i said i'm nervous i don't do it now it's bad radio it's bad radio but no i can find it when i was stressing about too many people yeah it's there but you meant like before they'll flake but it just sounded so funny like look forward to all your friends getting sick if it makes you feel any better on you i don't think there's anything that anybody can say or do to lower your anxiety. Cause I can say I had gift bags. I had a theme or whatever. And I had the most anxiety of my entire life leading

up to this. Like there was nothing anyone could have said or done. There was no wedding advice. I could have heard that would have lowered my anxiety at all. So I don't think there's anything you can do. You're just going to have super high anxiety i'm i relate to you so much it's on so many things like so i just know i'll probably have a sleepless night too and that's okay it's almost better hearing you say it was the best night of your life yes it's just worked out and if it doesn't then uh i don't know i don't know what to tell you if it doesn't i don't know it's not brian's fault it worked out for me it's a miracle it's a miracle all right final thought oh final here's my final thought i can't wait to talk about noah's experience with taylor swift be there next episode i know you'll have my mom

will be there to talk about it i know you could come back i'll listen to it but i did look up you said kate's place is small i'm thinking what was i thinking inviting so many people i said it's hard to keep it small and i said people will make it work and sit inside if they have to it's not that big of a deal i know it feels like it is but it's not everyone who's going has been to a million weddings it's a big deal to you and so you just make it fun for you everyone else it's just another event write them the morning of that's what i and you were worried about something else i said just write them the morning of that's what i would 100 do write them in the morning i swear it will be fine no one will remember them oh the vows write them in the morning no one will remember

them if they are good or bad there's no recording to revisit i promise just write them in the morning ask for time alone to do it um and that was my i never said they'll all get sick but if you find that i would love it we'll put it on the instagram but i never said that i feel like i heard some sick stuff in there i delete all my texts sadly well i will go through it and and i'll send you screenshots to prove that i never said that wait you delete all your texts yeah i just there's incriminating stuff oh really sometimes yeah oh my god i just speak freely in text i'm like uncensored and then i'm like oh i should delete that oh wow what if it exists on the other side what if you find the text nikki and then you realize that it was even worse like you said i hope everyone gets can you search anya and sick i did and it says and it's me saying um you know well we

were talking it's so funny it was about the last time you guys went snowboarding it said um because we were talking about like people who um we were watching the ultimatum queer edition we were talking about someone who had been in a lesbian relationship and they're mainly in straight relationships and one day in the lesbian relationship they were just like oh i hate eating pussy what am i even doing and that was used as anya was kind of saying because that person's experience it was kind of like proof that they were just doing that as like i want to be cool and lesbian for a while but they really don't like pussy or maybe it was about the person and that's were just doing that as like, I want to be cool and lesbian for a while, but they really don't like pussy.

Or maybe it was about the person. And that's what I said. I go, how many times have you been with a man and been disgusted by his, and been sickened, the word sickened by his genitalia. And so that was the word. So I was like,

I think it's more about the person. And then I just, and then I referenced someone from a past of someone's we know. Oh, that was a good one. I just searched my iMessage and you know what came up? Me telling a friend of mine who was soothing me about marriage, how funny it was that Nikki had said to me, don't worry, babe, so many people are going to get sick.

So somewhere I have this memory of something that may have never occurred. But it actually did soothe me. The only reason I don't think I would say that is not because it's not something I would. It's not because I'm like, I don't want people to think I'm rude that they're going to get sick. I just have, that's not a train.

You know how, you know, when you have not said something, because Chris, I even accused you of saying something recently and you were like, I would never say that. And I trusted that he didn't say it because you know what you would say and wouldn't say. And it doesn't fit any...

That seems sneaky because people will get sick probably before the wedding. No, I would never think that. If people go to New York City, that's not even a thought that would ever occur to me that people would get sick. No. This was not entertaining. Cut it all. I think it's entertaining. I remembered something that never occurred

no but it's an interesting conversation remembered something that didn't happen what about brian do you want to finish the loop on those vows yeah please did you say the line that killed nikki i thought it was something else oh no it's coming up yeah i thought so i said that's cool how much you know about salmon and you meant it. And that's when I knew I'd be talking to you for the rest of my life about all sorts of fish, even cod. Even cod. When the date ended and I walked back to my

car, I looked up at the moon, I raised my fist and I audibly cheered, which is true. And then I did a little paragraph about the moon. And then I did a little paragraph about the moon. And then I did my the reasons I love you part, which is pretty standard vow part. Like, Allie, I love the way you patiently listen to my endless rants.

I love blah, blah, blah. So I did all these I love you. No, we want to hear those. This is all chat GPT. We like those. This is like girl stuff. We like swoon hard at the details that you like the little things we like don't like about ourselves or whatever i love the way you patiently listen to my endless rants i love the way you are unconditionally supportive of me even though i'm an unemployed

comedian i love your kindness and your optimism your undying loyalty and the sincere joy with which you travel through life i love love how much time you take taking things out of bags and putting them into smaller bags. That was like an inside joke. That was cute. I don't even know what that means or what that looks like. Whenever we're on a trip, she's like, oh, I got to move this from this bag into another bag and then put that into a different bag. She's going to take so much time. And I'm like, can you just leave everything in a big bag? So do you really like that about her? Because this is the thing about vows that bugs me

is when people will say things like, I love when you like get little, like some food by the side of your mouth when you chew loudly. And it's like, well, this isn't going to be a reason you divorce them someday. And you're just trying to be cute right now. And actually you're allowed to not like things about people.

When you love them, those little things are the things that you wind up. You accept it, but you don't love it. No, I think those little things are the, for me, it's like, those are the little things I'm like, yes, this would be annoying if I hated you. But because I love you, those are the little things I think I would miss. Like, it's like what you were saying about like,'s a that joke you said on one of the previous podcast episodes in the last three weeks where it's like oh my oh the hat thing like at the drop of like oh he wore hats he wore hats so it's like that with the little bags i'd be like if i if ali and i broke up or something and i saw someone you saw a little i'd be like oh my god ali always did the little

bags thing you know it's like that if chris saw little bags he'd be like she has those under her eyes it's like one of those barney's bags it's like medium bag um yeah and it's also okay tease each other about like i love how you always i love how you always fill the water pitcher up too much and you simply refuse to admit it's filled too high no matter how many times it spills out the top all over the counter. Which is a sign we've all done that. Yes. And you don't cook except for when you microwave eggs. And so you got an audible groan from people like, oh, how could she?

I was like, no, that sounds like a great idea. And so I never did get someone who asked me what I want for dinner. It's more like, what are you making me for dinner tonight? Which is fine because I make an absolutely incredible salmon that is as good as advertised. In fact... I'm just taking notes. Yeah, I really am. The question is better because it's not about the salmon.

It was never about the salmon. It's that now I finally have someone to cook for who loves me oh that was the line that was the line that like fucking man because i couldn't get through it i couldn't get through that line now that it's over i can do it anytime but it's easy saying like i just you know what you were saying there is like i found someone who like loves me like that just that like someone being vulnerable enough to admit that they didn't think they would find someone because in that line, you're saying like, I thought maybe no one would ever love me.

And like, I found someone who loves me. And it's just, it was a vulnerable thing for a guy to say that he just wants to be loved and to be like cared about. It was like really gay. That's why you played wives. It was just so vulnerable. And like, but it's true. I mean, and that's what I loved about it

was because it was just so honest about how you actually feel. Well, the reason I couldn't get through it is because when I was writing this, that was like a revelation to me. Like, why was it that on our first date I talked about cooking salmon for 45 minutes I didn't connect that with me saying to you Nikki earlier that I just want someone who asked me what's what I want for dinner I and I realized

while writing this I was like the reason why this is so important to me is because I wasn't as I wasn't talking to her about the salmon because I wanted to tell brag about how I could cook salmon or something. I was doing it because subconsciously I was like, I want to be able to cook dinner for you. I want someone to share this with. And I realized that while writing the vows and that's why I couldn't get through it without crying. It was extraordinary. It was awesome. That's so sweet. And she really does. Yes.

I mean, I think. She loves him so much. No, she definitely does. They are, I have no question that you'll be together forever and ever. Like, and I wouldn't, I would just say nothing. Because who needs to say that when people get married? But let's be honest, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Most times you're sitting at weddings and being like,

I'm in somebody's backyard in New York. These people aren't going to make it. No way. They're not going to be. They're just so perfect. Oh, you're doing Anya? Well, Anya, I've known they were going to be together forever since forever. But yeah, it was just everyone got it there.

It was so nice. And your dad and Allie's dad are the same person. Yes. Oh, my God. I say that all the time. And I say, you guys would be such good friends if you lived in the same city. He gave a speech. And then Allie's dad gave a speech.

And then your dad gave a speech. And I go, why is is Ali's dad back up there because they were pacing the same way they both are lanky tall men yes and as someone with a lanky tall dad I get it too and yeah it was really and their speeches were so sweet

and thoughtful about you and then yeah the best man speech was hilarious and did he say anything that made you super embarrassed and you were worried about because you were pretty worried before yeah i was worried but no nothing everything was great i mean there was some yeah there were actually ali's dad said some things that i was like what how did he even know that about us um that was embarrassing but the best man speech and rob speech were so great oh yeah rob speech was so good good and then and Allie's sister did a speech too and she actually yeah

she said oh yeah and she said some sweet stuff she told the story the real story of how Allie and I got together which I'm glad somebody mentioned it because yes I you know golden scissored it out of the vows but the truth is is that Allie and I went on a first date I thought

she was the love of my life I thought we were gonna be together forever and then we had a second date set up and um right the day before or two days before the date I get a text from Ali saying um I hate to do this but I need to cancel our date um a an old flame has re-emer unexpectedly and I'm going to give it a shot with him. So I've sent that text to a lot of guys over the years. So we didn't go on that second date. And then I went insane. I was so upset. And I went on dates with like 30 to 40 different women over the next three months. I went crazy date. I was so upset and I went on dates with like 30 to 40 different women over the next three months. I went crazy date. I was doing three dates a night. I was just trying to find someone that

would be as good as Allie. And about four months passed and then I just had a feeling. I just had a feeling because I had a feeling that when someone sends a text like that an old flame re-emerges from the past i was like that's not gonna last so i texted ally out of the blue in like four months later and i said hey because i never even responded to her cancel text i was so sad i didn't even respond so the text chain is just her sending that text and then four months actually it is a great move i because i'd be like, this guy's pissed. And he's so sad. And he's not being understanding of it. He doesn't wish me well with this guy.

Because a lot of times we'll go like, I just want you to be happy. And I really hope. And it's like, no, you don't. You're not happy about this. Be honest. That's a good move. I thought you were going to love it. I thought I was done.

I always think it's a loose end. Yeah. I thought i was done it's a loose end yeah i thought i was done looking and i i went i looked at the mood and i fist pumped because i was like i'm done i don't have to do this anymore i found her and then the cancellation was such a blow i almost like i i was working on a show at the time and i walked into the showrunner's office i didn't even know the guy i wasn't i had i had no relationship. And I said, can I just be in here? And he was like, okay. And I just sat in his office and I poured my heart out. Greg Tukulescu couldn't make it to the wedding, but he wanted to be there.

And I just poured my heart out to him about how sad this was. And I really was devastated. And I went crazy. I went on crazy dating mode. I went on so many dates that year. It was absurd. So then what happened four months later? Four months later. Same thing happened with me and Matt. Four months later, I text her out of the blue

and I say, hey, I really thought I had a great time on our date. I really thought we had a connection and I just wanted to see that if by any chance you and your old flame didn't work out. Yeah. And she texted back and she said, as a matter of fact it did not and it just so happens

they had officially officially broken up the week before oh my god and then we went on a second date and then i was game over for ally because not only was she like i had the hand because she canceled but i had been going on all these dates I was like I had seen the matrix of dating I could get away with anything on dates

and so I was running circles around Allie you were nervous not nervous by the time I went out the first time I went out with Allie I was so nervous

I talked about salmon for 45 minutes but the second time I went out with Allie I was like there's no it was a groundhog day yes

yes exactly Ned Ryerson I went out the alley, I was like there's no... It was a groundhog day. Yes, yes, exactly. Ned Ryerson. The second time I went out the alley, I was like I am 100% in control. I am dodging bullets left and right. I am jumping through portals and I

really do. I can honestly say I fucking rocked her world. I did. I feel like there I fucking rocked her world. I did. Man, I feel like there are going to be guys listening being like, what was the secret to being so bulletproof on a date? And it's probably just repetition, right? It is rejection. Get rejected 100 times in a year.

That's any business, man. And then you will lose all fear. And I used to say like i if if a girl if there's a chance that a girl likes me on a date it's up to me whether or not we're gonna make out at the end of the date like i'm not gonna mess this up whoa i'm not gonna there's nothing i'm gonna do to mess it up if she doesn't pick up if she doesn't like me then she doesn't like me there's nothing you can do about it but if she likes me at all then i'm not going to do anything to mess it up i can make out with this person wow that's so crazy to give up that skill man i went out to dinner with brian one night and i made out with him because i didn't

have a choice brian you proved our theory that a man will always pursue if he's interested enough. Even if it's four months later. Even if we have sent them a text. Great point, Anya. To every girl listening who's like, is he into me? If he is, he will fuck. Yeah, did he lose my number? Maybe.

I also want to say, I do not take my own advice. No, of course not. No, I did not forget about it. I have none of us now. At full speed, I have chased after me. Why didn't Allie write back to you? Did you ever get, like, after it ended, was she still thinking about you?

Did you ever get answers on that? I didn't text her. Yeah, she says she was. I think she was. She never lies. I wonder. She's probably one of those girls, like, you know, Leighton Meester or whatever we were listening to where it was like she was just like

I don't know I do think about you all the time but I'm just like gonna wait. Like what the fuck? She's probably still kind of licking not licking her wounds but like processing that breakup

and then it's only been a week and she's like well Brian never wrote me back. Yeah. She said she was so happy she was so happy when I texted her. Oh, cutie.

I wish I had footage of her receiving that text. That's always what I want in people's lives is those moments where they're like, like I always want footage. I wonder if she yelled at the moon. Oh my God. American tale. The only time I've ever yelled at the moon was when Obama got elected the night he got elected. What'd you say?

I was, I was alone and I was going back to my apartment. I parked my car and I was walking into my apartment building across the street and all of a sudden and it would just been announced on np i was listening to the radio and it just been announced it was happening everyone else was at parties i was like alone i don't know why coming back from a show and then a gust of wind like the santa and winds it was like and i just looked up not at the moon but at the sky and i go the winds of change and i stood in the middle of the street and paused and said the winds of change to myself and i was like i'll never forget saying that to myself and i also recently we gotta go oh yeah it's a great i don't

even know that song winds of change we're gonna play it right after this oh yeah but i did you get it there are times where i catch myself doing things alone that i'm like this is hilarious and i didn't do it to later tell a story about it right but i but i it it it needs to be told because it's so funny but i was watching a gangbang recently on porn and the girl took so much during it after i was done i sat down my phone and i just go, thank you for your service. I literally said that. And I started laughing so hard because I didn't intend to be funny at all. I really meant it. Like, thank you for what you just gave me because that was rough, girl. She was not able to do that for another year or so, what she did.

That was Olympic style. Okay, so we got to go. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for your service. Thank you for listening to the show. We love you so much. Lots of tour dates coming up. You can go to NikkiGlazer.com.

I'm with David Spade this weekend in Las Vegas. If you want to plan a last-minute trip, just look at flights. Come to see us. Venetian. And then, yeah, tons of tour dates. I wish I had them all listed, but they're at NikkiGlazer.com. I love seeing you on the road. Anya's getting married next week.

We'll have a new show for you tomorrow. And don't politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts