The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #355 Nikki's Feet, Tips For Brian, Comedian's Impersonated & More Shark Attacks

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

Nikki is going barefoot to get clicks. Julie Glaser joins the show and gets tested on Gen Z terms. Nikki shares how her mom and dad used to "get off" when they were younger. Anya shares how her mom's mind blew when she learned where to get podcasts. Brian's been enjoying old comedy shows on comedy.tv. Chris found a way to get Nikki to travel overseas. Anya has a new rating system for music and Noah Baumbach film recommendations. Nikki has simple tips for Brian to use on stage. In The Final Thought, Nikki has watched a shark attack video too many times. They also talk about not getting on board with The Idol. --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Okay. Does that count? Um, no. Doesn't count. You gotta see the people like exchange vowels. It's been a long time. Um. No, doesn't count. You got to see the people like exchange vows. Yeah. It's been a long time.

It's been a long time coming, but. Here we go. It's you and me. That's my whole world. They whisper in the hallway, she's a bad, bad girl. So what? Okay, good job. Good job, Anya.

Thank you. I knew something was shouting, but I got the words wrong. Okay, well, let's see what Noah can do. I'm drunk in the back of the car, and I cry like a baby coming home from the bar. Oh, said I'm fine, but it wasn't true. I don't want to keep secrets just to keep you, and I snuck in through the garden gate every night that summer just to see my fate.

And I screamed for whatever it's worth. I love you ain't that the worst thing you ever heard? Not a nightmare. Gritting like a devil. I was just thinking of editing Nightmare but that was great. That was so good.

That sounded almost as good as Taylor Swift. That was really good, Noah. You knew it all. I knew it. You just couldn't do it. You just couldn't do it on the spot. Okay, let's start the show. This is great pre-show banter that they're going to use. Oh, that was Noah's test song?

Yes. Are you ready for it? In three, 2, 1. Here's Nikki. Hello, it's me. It's Nikki Glazer Podcast. Welcome to the show. Mom's looking at me weird. Why? I don't know. You're just looking at me. why i don't know you're just looking at me

you're making me laugh again it's like when you were caught under that little tarp at the taylor swift concert when you were stuck inside that garbage bag you were so funny my hair is kind of wet you look cute did you just get out of the shower or was there a rainstorm oh yeah i always show up to things with wet hair i'm sorry there should be no shame women are always like i'm sorry my hair's wet it's like anyone else would get ready for this no yes but i'm like i i'm no it's chill we're chill it's just that i and we don't have many youtube listeners unless wait a second hold on i forgot i forgot to take off my shoes i'm doing now i'm going now I'm doing no, no shoes for, to get more fans on our YouTube page.

Cause that's the only place you can see my feet. It's no shoes June. Yeah. Oh, there we go. Maybe I'll start putting them back on. So if you are into feet and bunions, especially,

you got to check out the YouTube channel. Cause I'm always hiding my feet. And I'm like, why? What am I? What did I do wrong to have these feet? They are kind of grotesque. But I did not try to make them grotesque.

I didn't neglect them in some way. I'm a good person that's tried my best with my feet. I don't need to be ashamed of them. Even if they are like orange on the bottom. They're not orange right now. They're not. I was thinking how clean looking they are on the bottom. Really?

Yeah. No, your feet look great. Mom, look at that bunion sticking out. It's hitchhiking. It looks like your dad's feet. I know.

It looks like my dad's feet. Are you turned on by them? A little bit. Oh, really? This is dad talking about something. No, it is environmental.

We both wear small shoes, but you know, it's not genetic. It isn't? it's a lie yeah i've done a lot of research on bunions it's about people wearing small shoes yeah and then your bones will do that oh my choice yeah because i well i always wanted to have it looks pants used to look cuter with small shoes when i was in like college and stuff like with flares like you want it to peek out like a little bit so I would wear like eight and a half instead of nine

I have never heard this it's foot binding it's like in Japan for the geishas my foot looks like it went through the fucking Ming Dynasty that's why I have the smallest the smallest feet in my family

yeah because you wore small shoes. Yeah, because they never bought me new shoes. I know, that's bullshit. It's such bullshit. Pig woman. You had small shoes. They called you ping woman. And I was a pig woman.

And you probably had shoes like a little pig, like your feet all stuffed into these little- They were cloven. Cloven is the word I was looking for. That is why they called me pig woman. It was the hooves. Oh my God, those shoes are getting popular again. The cloven shoes? Oh was the hooves oh my god those shoes are getting popular again the other day why the clothing they freak me out oh i think they're so weird

no i didn't yeah on a show for a joke yeah yeah they were literal horse shoes to make you look like a horse because this was like for pony play. People that are like. These are like goat shoes or what animal has cloven hooves? Pigs. A devil. Yes, a devil. Pigs, goats.

A devil's not an animal. Pig women. Pig women. And they're so expensive. Like I'm going to spend $800 for leather. Like Beyonce. Cloven hooves. Mom.

Cloven hooves. When you hear Beyonceyonce's the goat or something like that what do you think i've never heard that you've never heard that no one's ever called you the goat no oh my gosh so this is the thing it's so funny there's so many young women talking about how um it was i think it was like meryl streep was um jennifer lawrence or something was in an interview with meryl Streep and she was like and you know and she's the goat and she's like why people always call

me a goat and I guess I look like one but it's not very nice and she's like oh my god Meryl you thought it meant you look like a goat you thought people were just openly calling you a goat to your face it's greatest of all time so someone's like Julie you're the goat it doesn't mean they're lying openly calling you a goat to your face, it's greatest of all time. Oh, okay.

So someone's like, Julie, you're the goat. It doesn't mean- They're lying. If they call you pig woman, that means the prettiest in the globe. Tom Brady's the goat. Michael Jordan's the goat. LeBron's the goat. I think goat's being overused a little bit.

And now there's a new phrase called goaded. You've been goaded, which the kids are saying, which means- Like that means like we've crowned you as greatest of all time. Or they just say goaded you've been goaded which uh the kids are saying which means like that means like we've crowned you yes or they just say goaded like like a a phrase of affirmation goaded i think we can stop saying it i don't mind any teen slang because we had it too and old people were like we don't like this them saying groovy or whatever. There's always going to be words that are new that old people are like, why are kids just saying slay instead of that slays?

Just stop being old and accept that there are young things that you're not into, and it doesn't make them dumb, and it doesn't make you smarter. You had it too. I always used to think of this when Miss Hannigan from Annie hated kids. I was like, you were a kid! What the fuck are you talking about? Did you hate yourself?

She probably did. But like anyone who's like, I hate children. I'm always just like, no, you don't. You were a child. And you don't have to talk like that either. Yeah, they always have to be like,

they have to be putting their fingers together like slowly. Wait, Nikki, let me give you a slang test. I see if you're familiar with some of these gen z's i won't be but it's not i'm not gonna be like upset about it like they're so dumb these kids okay what is i'm not i don't i don't claim to be a gen z expert or cool in any capacity but i have learned a few phrases cap okay what does cap mean that means like no cap

like lying that's cap man like you're lying. You could just say crap. I learned this from Fboy. Yeah, yeah. You could. You said crap instead of cap. Okay, what about bet? No idea. Use it as a sentence. Bet.

Literally, that's what they say. I like it. Bet. That is a sentence. No one in my age or in my generation can judge anyone from using to shortening things to one thing, especially in my generation can judge anyone from using like to shortening things to one thing especially in my group of friends we changed Laura Holly's name from Laura Holly to Holly as her

last name to Hala to her to yeah we just made it a sound so there's you guys did have your own language we did care I mean and could cover so much so um okay bet is what?

Bet is like for sure. Yes. Oh, bet. Yeah. You bet. Yeah. It's take off the you. You bet.

Yeah. Bet. Obviously, this is too easy. You know, cringe. Yeah. That's like the number one thing I like worry about being. Oh. It's almost like it's not so much like, ew,

it's like, Oh God, that's so sad. Like when you see someone online, like being, and they're like trying to get attention and they're just like someone crying on Instagram is cringe. Well, how would they say it? Would they just go?

They would, they wouldn't say it. They would say it to their friends behind that person's back. No one ever knows that they're cringe. They would just say the word cringe and that's it? Oh, it's cringe. Oh,

it's cringe. She's cringe or like, ew, cringe. Yeah yeah i think that's how they'd say it i mean i don't know i'm an old woman but some of these things i just learned on tiktok from like comments like did you know that instead of saying lol kids or some kids are saying l e l i don't know why but that's what they're saying i bet it was like a typo at first and then almost like noob I think was a typo like when someone was saying you're a newbie and someone spelled it n-o-o-b

and then that became like I think it was based on a typo I do like the origin of words like this, do you have any more? No but I have a question so at what age at a certain age or a certain developmental stage, everyone stops using the slang. Like you don't see a lot of like 70 year olds walking around going like, you know.

Oh, yes, you do. Like, look at those dapper legs, you know, like no one's talking like that anymore. Well, those people are like 110 better so but i will say that my parents whenever they ingest something legally in a state where it is legal to ingest marijuana in the form of a cookie or an edible and they maybe have done it once or twice in their life what they will say ej you getting off from that yet oh my god getting high getting off and that was? Oh my God. They call getting high getting off and that was a common colloquial term.

They always say, did you get off from that last night? And I'm always like, still say that. And I go, Dad, you can't ask mom that.

And he's like, what? We had some edibles. I'm like, it sounds like you went down on her. You're asking her about it when you say I had edibles

and did she get off from it? I don't like it. Nikki, did you get off from that hit you't like it Nikki did you try to stop you getting off from that that hit you took I'm just always like and it's good to talk about like what you're feeling on drugs like when I do drugs I don't want to talk about I hate when any whenever I do drugs I never want someone to be like you feeling it yet not because I'm like I am so much and get your face it's like Alice in Wonderland up in

here get your face out of mine I'm just like I don't think it's cool I'm ashamed of it I just want to be in my head and that's how your dad talking I'm doing it because dad is a healthy person that doesn't use drugs to like escape reality like I do I use drugs to feel I don't know okay and to feel better about like to not be, to not want to kill myself is when I'm drawn to drugs or just to like, it's not usually to be like, I want this laser show to be more trippy. It's like, I don't want to want to, I don't want to lay in bed and think about suicide all day.

So I'll smoke some weed. Like, yeah, you just want to get off a little bit, but it's not, I want to get off. It's just, I want to be, but when you use bit. But it's not I want to get off. It's just I want to be. But when you use any drugs, it's like so associated with like you're doing it to like, I don't know, like to party or whatever. And it's like I'm just doing it so I don't. The first thing I think of is to cut myself when I, you know, do something. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You just want to get to zero. I want to be normal. My parents say get high when they're drinking wine. It's so annoying. They're like, we got a little high last night. I'm like, weed? And they're like, no, not grass. Oh my God. Are these real?

Just had a couple glasses of wine and no, they're not. That sounds like a wealthy person. Woody Allen films. I'm dying to hear about more. i'm dying to hear more anecdotes about your parents being in kingston right now on you because i am i've heard a couple of them in the girls chat but i'm just wondering which ones you can share here and like why are you in hell and like just tell me what i'm in for because your parents are a little bit older than mine a bit older yes what are their what are their ages they're 80 and 81 but they wouldn't want me to tell you that, but they are.

And they'll never hear this because yesterday my mom's like, well, and podcast is for later. What is it? And I'm like, I'll show you the app. I'm like, this little purple thing on your iPhone, that's the podcast app. And she's like, why do people go here? I'm like, do you want to search for Russia or Putin or Ukraine? And she was like, oh my my god like it was a treasure i'm like there are hundreds of russian podcasts are you kidding me hundreds there are hundreds of thousands yes there's three billion podcasts

that are on the service right now and i've done no there are 70,000 of them. Yes, there are. Three billion. Three billion. Think how many people, that's why I always tell people, start a fucking podcast. If you are like, someone that's in mid, like someone that has no potential of making it in the world or whatever,

but you always have this secret passion to be a broadcaster or to be a comedian or be an actress or some kind of like talking personality start a fucking podcast there's no shame in having zero listeners you'll have someone will stumble upon it eventually and you'll have one listener but it's there's no shame in it because everyone even when i started my first podcast in 2010 i'll never forget it was um you

had to be there with sar Schaefer we were so scared because we were like oh we're starting a podcast everyone has a podcast in 2010 you were so ahead of the curve like there is

we had that conversation though that like this is so cliche no you were way ahead of the curve every podcast I started since then yeah we've always had that conversation

I go it's irrelevant that conversation's irrelevant podcasts are here to stay. It's the first thing that anyone at home can do with a simple microphone. You got to do it. And there's no judgment if you're not good at it or if no one listens. No one should listen.

You are a dentist in Milwaukee. Just start and then maybe a couple people will. You can just go on a podcast app and like, You can just put a podcast up. Anyone, put one on. There you go. No one needs to approve you. Ted Sarandos does not need to approve you

to have a podcast. There's no approval process. And there's not like even, you have to do so many at one. No, I mean, I do because I have a contract with iHeart. But like, I could, when we did, you had to be there, that was all up to us. We set the rules, we set the parameters, we set how could, when we did, you had to be there. That was all up to us. We set the rules. We set the parameters.

We set how many, if we missed an episode, we weren't like answering to someone. We didn't even have ads on that one. So we weren't making any money off of it. But when I did the Unbelievable podcast, it was the same way. This is the month.

I didn't know. No one asked me to do that. Then I just kept going. By yourself? Was it just you? I had Tim Dillon Tim Dillon

was his co-host isn't that cool yeah my mom's a TD fan do you think when Rupert Murdoch started Fox he was like

are we gonna start another channel exactly like I wish he wouldn't have there's already CBS, NBC right

I do feel like there are some channels though that people should say that for these days. Like on cable. Have you seen cable lately? Oh, God.

There's some crazy channels out there. Have you seen comedy.tv? No. But I know of that brand. It's basically just like the Byron Allen Network. It just replays. Oh, it's so fun to watch comedy.tv. Really?

I actually love watching it because it shows reruns of comedians doing things in like 2005 it's like a time capsule of what comedy was like not that long ago on that show yeah but like long enough to be like i saw a episode of um what's the show with byron allen uh comics unleashed comics unleashed yeah they don't wear their leashes. Which is such a funny name because it's like they're the most leashed. It's the most tame show.

They could not be more leashed. But before the show started, Byron Allen came on. This is all from watching Comedy TV, a new channel on cable if you have any cable. Byron Allen comes on, he goes,

you're not going to believe what I have on the show today I get call your family call your friends because I'm going to show you something today that you have never seen I promise you you have never seen it in your entire life and then I watched the entire episode and I'm like what the fuck was he talking about he never brought that up again and then it turns out what he was talking about was one of the comedians was trans no that's how different things were he was saying it like this is gonna blow your fucking mind i'm guessing it was a man to woman a male to female female trans it was uh no it was a it was a man. It was a female to man.

Oh, wow. And is that person still around? They're still around. They're still in LA. I forgot their name, but they're doing fine. Yeah, that's so... Isn't that crazy?

It was so fucking different back then. I mean, I saw a trans girl yesterday walking down in my neighborhood. And I knew because she wasn't passing that well as a woman. Or, you know, like, but it doesn't matter. Like, that's a look in and of itself, too. She looked really pretty. And, like, I was just like, I'm always so proud of trans women.

Yeah, amazing. For, like, figuring it out. Because can you imagine all of a sudden always wanting to wear dresses and makeup and do your hair and all that stuff and you just have to start on a dime the day you go I'm out and like we eased into it as as girls as cis girls that were like born into it even when I first started wearing makeup like I was getting it so wrong in eighth grade I found some notes that my friends wrote about me to each other being like did you see what nikki tried to wear it was so embarrassing god just figuring out what's like even noah is has been a woman for a really long time and just was recently like what do women

wear at my age like i don't know she had to look at a list on pinterest and go follow it like i really give it up to every trans person out there who is trying to that is doing their best to like be themselves and and and fit into this new category for themselves out of nowhere because it is awkward you get lots of stares people whisper tons of shit about you people uh have preconceived notions about and it's and this girl i was so worried for her because i had been walking i'd finished my run and I was so worried for her because I had been walking I'd finished my run and I was just going for a walk and I saw lots of like vagrant homeless people kind of screaming during this walk and kind of you know would switch sides of the street to get

away from it and I'm like if one of these people who's a little chaotic in the head see this girl there could be violence like there could be an especially no offense, like in certain communities, it is really looked down upon to be a guy that is masquerading as a woman because that could trick them. And then they might get a blow job from a man. And then what does that say about them?

You know, and all these things. And then there's violence. So I was wanting to like walk with her. I was like scared for her. So it's just so brave to me. You should have said something. Well, I just not, I just like, well, I don't want to say anything. I just want to say she was like doing the, she was doing, paying the parking meter.

And I always try to sneak in a girl when I run into female trans, into trans women. I always try to go like, love that coat girl. Like, because they like to hear and because they're doing a good job of being a girl and i have many trans friends who are like the years go on and they pass more and more where you're like i don't even remember it it takes a while though just like it took us a while so if you see a guy in a dress and you're like what the fuck is this give them a second to learn how to be a woman. And also, if you tend to think that these people are doing it just for attention, I'm

speaking to a small percentage of you, but some people do think this. And some people on the right side of things think this, that they're just doing it for attention. If you were so, if your mind, you yourself, person I'm talking to, if you were so fucked up in the head or whatever that you decided to just play like you're trans to get attention, I think you deserve to have a little sympathy your way. Even if someone's doing it for attention, that is so wackadoo to go against what you naturally want to be that you're like pretending to be a woman even though you're not right then it's like your thing with the homeless man remember the homeless man that like isn't homeless right and i go mom leave him alone because we that is so deranged to do that he deserves our empathy or whatever money he's getting because i wouldn't stand on the fucking street and pretend that I'm homeless. So even if someone's

pretending to be trans which is such a small fucking percentage of trans people. Well, if it was a big money maker you might. No, I wouldn't. I would never.

You would never do that. No one would ever pretend to be homeless. If he's that crazy let him have it. Who is this guy? How do you know him? He's just a guy on the corner.

We don't know him. We don't know him but my mom screamed at him. We know what you're up to. We know you're fake homeless. And she screamed as she walked. That's his hustle. So he's just at his job.

I know, it's his hustle. But if he's willing to do that, let him fucking have it. Because I'm not willing to do that. It's not fun. If he's harassing cars on the road. Maybe he's filming an episode of Nathan for You or something. No, he's been doing it for Nathan for you or something. No, he's been doing it for a while,

but we gotta go to break. We'll talk more about that. This is the end of my trans rant, but if anyone... Trans rant. Trans rant, over.

Love trans people, obsess with them, keep fighting your good fight. Attitude bingo. Trans rant. Happy, yeah, seriously,

add it. Happy Pride Month. I love you all trans people. Okay, and we'll be back from break in just a second. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right. So, you know that Noah went to the Taylor Swift concert with me?

Yes. Friday. And we got the same seat. New Swifty in town. Yeah, new Swifty in town. I'm like, here's the thing. She's released all these international dates. Like, tons.

More than she has in the U.S. Oh, my God. You're kidding. So, this is Chris's way of getting me to travel now. He sent it to me. What a sweetie. He goes, he sent me all the dates. Why are you saying here we go?

What are you going to say? Love bomb. Here we go. He's love bombing her with tickets to her favorite thing. That's how he's going to get her to Singapore. Okay, well, I get to see Singapore and Taylor Swift. And so, no, he sent me a screenshot and was like, we should pick these that you want to go to,

and we'll try to go. And I'm like, this is the best thing, because he'll get to go see his little country that he wants to go see, and pick out his postcards and go run around and try his little foods that he wants to try. Choose the country with no mountains so that you don't have to go hiking.

Yes. You can go hiking without mountains. You can go hiking on a beach. You can go hiking by a lake. I'm glad that Chris doesn't love hiking. He likes, he just likes moving. He likes being on the move. He doesn't like to sit and have like a nice tea.

Tea. As Anya says, we learned in Europe. Sorry, I'm talking a million miles a minute, but I just had a latte. To Anya, we found out in Europe, and I found this for a while, but I just, you know, you notice something and you're like, I'm going to wait for the right time

to like bring this up because she might be offended that I've been harboring this thought about her. But Anya, when she says the word T-E-A, it takes her about 30 minutes to get through the word. She says, oh, you guys, and does anyone want some tea? She lingers on the word tea. You'll start to notice it. She can't help it.

She loves tea so much she wants to taste it when she says it. I like that. Never knew. And then I caught myself. when she says it. I like that. Never knew. And then I caught myself. She keeps catching herself. I do not. And then the next day I'd be like, I'm going to get a cup of tea. And it was just a little long.

I'm like, oh my God, I am doing it. What is up with that? You can watch a couple episodes of Monk while you wait for her to finish that. And then Nikki was like, it's actually a lot like the woman who cultivates bees. Have you seen her? And then she sent me all these Instagrams. I think Chris made that connection. Yeah.

I'm saving the bees. Have you ever seen the bee woman? Yes, we talked about her on the show. Oh, yeah. Long ago. But she, oh my God, you would love it, mom. She's this woman that goes into places. She's obsessed with bees.

She's in Texas. And she goes in and rescues bees. Oh, I've kind of seen this girl. There's going to be goes into places she's obsessed with bees she's in texas and she goes in and rescues bees oh it's like kind of seen this girl there's gonna be like a barn that's like you know bulldozed and she's like and it was another great day of saving the bees but she talks like a bee and so that's why she doesn't get stung is she is a bee she like goes in she's like and i found the queen and then I placed her in the hive. And then all the bees slowly went and met with her. And it was another great day of saving the bees.

And I'm going to go have some tea. But it's so soothing. It's so ASMR. But she is a bee. That's amazing. Those people that go in and get the big hive. I would do it in a second. I'm not scared of bees at all.

It's one of my superpowers. I'm not scared of bees at all. Really? It's one of my superpowers. I'm not scared of bees. I've never been a girl that's like, get it away. Well, I guess that's how they get. Yes. If you are relaxed, bees will die if they sting you. They don't want to sting you. So if you are just relaxed around them, they could walk all over your hand.

They're not going to sting you. If they're on your soda can, don't go like. Yeah, but it doesn't hurt that bad. It's not like people act the way i act on two-lane highways like i have a right to on two-lane highways when people are driving erratically i relate to you 100 that is a there's a good chance that we will there's not like oh it's gonna hurt a little bit we're gonna die catastrophically if there is any kind of user error. But then girls are like at a picnic table and a bee is on their soda

and they start running around like there's a forest fire starting. And it's like, calm down. Just move the can gently to another place. Get out of here. They can't all be allergic.

They can't all be. I think girls, it's like the word moist. They like being scared of little things. And I know that they are. No, I'm kidding. I think some are actually scared.. I think girls, it's like the word moist. They like being scared of little things. And I know that they are. No, I'm kidding. I think some are actually scared.

But I think it is. And I'm definitely guilty of this too. So if you're scared of bees, I'm not talking shit on you. Because I do believe you have a real fear. And we all have irrational fears. But I think that bees and sharks, we all need to like cut a little slack. And like chill out about and don't like freak out or bats um and stuff like that oh my god that bats will leave you alone really i mean

i i was walking around at one of the places i stayed at there were so many bats and they would just fly around they would get really close to you it's almost like they were like check it out i'm gonna fucking kill you and it would fake you out. But it would never touch you. Never. They have echolocation. What about moths? Moths are like bat bugs. What about wasps? Are you scared of wasps? Because a wasp could sting you over and over and over again.

A wasp always looks like it's dragging cargo places. It's always just like... And it'll come back and sting you. Wasps have a vendetta but i also i know about these i believe that wasps are only stinging i could be wrong i believe they only sting out of defense so i again if you remain calm nothing is going to hurt you yeah in this but that's what i'm saying you have saying. You have to talk yourself into understanding that the fear that you're thinking about is not real. The only reason that they would ever hurt you is because you're scared.

So the thing that starts it is your fear. And if you can, you know, and listen, I have so many fears. So I don't know. I don't judge you if you're scared of wasps. They are kind of creepy but um what I do know about crows is that the one of the funniest moments during eras on Friday night Noah okay so I was just whispering things in Noah's ear all night to just tell her what was coming up and things and then all of a sudden willow starts the song willow and it's the witchy one it's like life was a willow in it but right to your whim And she's dressed in like a cape and she has these orbs and they're all playing with them.

And I go, this is my mom's favorite song. And then Noah's watching it. And then Noah whispers to me, what did you whisper? I was like, oh, I can see why Julie likes it because it totally has crow vibes. All right. That's all that's missing are the crows. It totally had a crow vibe. It was so funny. I love crows. had a crow vibe. It was so funny.

I love crows. Thank you, Noah. It was so crowy. It was crowy. It was crowy Kardashian. Because it was a crow vibe. You do like witchy things. I do.

They are mysterious and I like it. But you changed your mind about crows to me. You sent me a text one day that was like, sorry, I'm out on crows. Don't get me one. I researched him a little bit. Nikki, don't you get me a crow. I was talking to my crow guy. Like you were in on it. You're like,

I'm going to get her a crow. You should open a place called the Crow Bar. Oh my God, that is so funny. There's a great band called Crowbar really oh is there a band there's also a tool called crowbar oh my god you're kidding wait brian i'm gonna kill you there was a place in my town called two ravens and it closed so you could oh we could we could rebuild does anybody know the difference between a raven and a crow?

No, but I bet you do. And I was just about to ask, because we talked about this on the podcast, and I think we looked it up once, but we want to know again. What is it? Well, it's really difficult to tell them apart, in my opinion, because I've been in parks, and I've been like, oh, that's a raven.

I messed it up like that. A craven, a West Craven. That's a craven. That's a West Craven. It was West Craven. They started directing it. Started directing. Basically, if you want to tell them the difference in the wild, if they're different, ravens are just bigger.

That's how you tell. If you see a really big, giant crow, that's probably a raven. You can also look at their beaks a little curvier. But the way I tell them apart is that if you see a gigantic crow, it's most likely a raven. If you see a crow. You need a crow to like compare it to though, to know it's a raven.

Well, you have to bring a crow with you wherever you go for this to work. That's why we'll get you one. So you can tell. That's the only reason I want one is to compare them. But why are you off crows? Well, because if you do research them, they are you off crows? Well, because if you

do research them, they are really hard to take care of. Yeah. They are very... Did you just think it was going to sit on your shoulder

so you could feed it little peanuts or whatever and then it would just shit outside or something? They get mad at you if you aren't giving them enough attention. You already live with a crow.

That's why you love them. That's why when my mom and I were watching, I think I told this on the podcast, but you made me laugh so hard when we were watching that like Tom Hanks movie that we tried to start. My name is Otto or something. A man named Otto. Right.

And we started it and it was like this, just about this guy that's just like in a grocery store, like complaining about stuff. And mom was like, I live with this. I don't need to watch it. I said that. Yes, it was so funny. Because it was true. It was just like a guy

dad's age being kind of upset about a nail at a hardware store. I must have been a bad day for your dad that day. Yeah, no, it was just, it was cute. It was funny. I enjoyed that film. You were trying to be funny. I met the people who made A Man Called Otto this weekend or yesterday or two days ago. Oh, God.

Well, I'm going to give it another chance then. No, we just didn't watch it because I can't, I kind of can't with Tom Hanks anymore. And I know that's crazy, but like. I could if it was the right role. Wait, so how did you meet the people from A Man Called Otto? I was at a uh going away party for a friend and it was just like a bunch of uh hollywood types i didn't it was it was crazy because i went to this did you walk up to them and say comedy or drama do you want me to talk

to you or would you like me to leave that's yeah that's brian's um intro oh no he's on the picket lines for wga strike yeah yeah Are you still doing that, Brian? Yeah, no, I went picketed. There was a G-Word Adam Ruins Everything reunion at Netflix yesterday. It was actually right before. I'm so proud of myself for getting back to record the podcast in time because I was cutting it close. Wow, good for you for going. Okay, so you went to this party and these guys were there.

It was a going away party for my friend who's going to the UK and he's a little older than me. And I went to this party with Allie, thank God, because I did not know a soul at this party. Have you ever gone to a party and you're like, I do not know a single person here. I do not know what I'm doing here. Why were you there then? I just wanted to say goodbye to my friend who was

leaving. Oh, so you knew one soul. I knew the person throwing the party, but every single... But he's busy. Yeah, I could talk to him for like five minutes and then every single other person was a stranger. This is what wives are for. Yes. There you go. Good job, Brian. You know, I think I have

done that before. I have been to things and I kind that before I have been to yeah things and um I kind of wear it as a badge of honor of like I don't know like you're you just go up and talk to people I know that seems like so impossible but you just kind of you have a your story is I know no one here and so now you have an in to talk to people to be like I literally know no one here hi I'm Brian you know what I mean like Like, that's your angle. That's if everybody was normal, but this was a Hollywood party and everyone was so Hollywood.

I mean, there was so much more successful than me and like, they did not give a fuck about anything I had to say at any point. So I would talk to people about, you know, their things and there were nice people there. I mean, this is my friends, all their friends, but like, you can tell when you're like, wait wait no one's asked me or ally a single question this

entire time i've just been in i've been going around interviewing people right the entire party that's like going on dates with i think men and women do it to each other but like i feel you must have experienced that during your year of dating or whatever it was where like some people just don't lob the question back or have any interest in you whatsoever. My parents and I, we, I used to have a good friend who would never ask me about myself. Do you remember? Who? Oh, she's, she's whispering it off camera. If you're not on YouTube, she's whispering it.

Well, she'll remember. I had a friend back in the day that I would hang out with like all the time and I started to say to my parents like and my parents really do have an issue with someone not like celebrating my accolades as my dad calls it especially your father yeah he does not I have a story about that too but like he yeah he just they can't stand when like I've done something cool or the family's done something cool or like my mom has like built a fireplace with like done stonework and they'll walk in and they won't say anything about it even though they know it's brand new like they withhold like compliments because they're fucking jealous like that kind of person we have a lot of those people

in our family in our life like it's just and and I can be that way too with people I my ugliest side of myself is when someone wants a compliment desperately and I just will like be like not gonna give it like i don't know when like i just there were times there are times where people just you just feel them want it so much and you're like i know this would make you happy because you want it but you're trying too hard buddy you gotta like yeah like one time someone was like shredding on anya's guitar like backstage this guy that worked at this venue was like shredding on her guitar right and you could tell that he it was impressive what he was doing and you could tell he desperately wanted us to be like whoa man because like it was cool and you didn't but i i was so annoyed because he

was doing it too hard so it was like me probably fucking up yeah your guitar i'm about to play fretboard like get off of it. That would bug me. We said it was so hard to say nothing when he put it down. It was just a silent green room. It was so good because you know all he was doing was trying to get us to go like, holy shit, man. In my head, I was thinking that.

That to me is so cool. It happens all the time at Guitar Center or any kind of music shop you go to. There's so many of those people there. I hate it. But when it's someone's guitar, like Anya's guitar. Or three's. Oh, even worse.

Oh, worse. The Enneagram for this kind of person is a three. And I'm that kind of person too. But I play it a little bit cooler. I'm desperate for approval and compliments. And I will but I I did the thing of like for my looks and my like outfits and stuff I told my friends in like 2000 it was probably 2018 or 19 to not compliment my looks anymore oh yeah ever I remember you even said that to me and even though

I want it desperately and I depend on it now I've safeguarded myself that I think every time they want to and they just can't so now if they don't do it it's because they want to and they they I told them not to and if they but if they genuinely don't even think my outfit's cute I've now convinced now I'm safe in my head right and if they want to so it safeguards me but I'm totally like that person I just have a little bit more self-awareness right to not look so desperate but i have been desperate before but um we were talking about oh uh people coming at oh so i had this friend that was never giving me like never asking me about me or any like any interest in anything let's like leave compliments out of it

who gives a shit and um one time my friend my family i was like i'm gonna invite him over it's like kind of the final straw with him i'm getting nothing out of this relationship yeah do you remember who this was i think so and we invited him over and like we just we played a game where it was like let's see how long he can be here without saying without in our kitchen in our house and not comment one thing or ask one inquisitive curious question about anything to do with anything outside of himself. And he didn't do it for hours. And that's when I was like,

I'm going to start ghosting this friendship. And we're not close anymore. And I mean, I see him every now and again. And I love when I see him because I do have cherished memories from our friendship. But you got to go. You got to be. Reciprocate.

Yes, yes. can i just set the record straight on the on the on the party because i do want to say that the the producer whoever it was from a man called otto i talked to them for her for a long time and she was the only one that asked me questions so for the record that's nice she did ask me questions everyone go watch a man called otto uh i don't want that, because that was the only thing I named. I saw the new Wes Anderson. Oh. And Tom Hanks is in it.

And I got to say, even though I didn't love the film, I enjoyed it. What did you say about the film that made me laugh? It's your most cutting criticism ever. And I've already said it on the podcast about something else. But it's so funny to say this about something. And I want everyone to start using it when it's appropriate I love Wes Anderson I love Darjeeling Limited

I love the Royal Tannenbaums with all my heart I think they're genius and I do love a couple others but I will say in the past few years it has seemed like he is more and more concerned with aesthetics and I just don't get a vibe that uh he's like in touch with his sexuality i'm not saying i i'm not not accusing

him of being he's not having sex he's not having sex funny to me because it is we all know art where we're like this person's not getting laid like something they're they're a little frustrated they're too cutesy they're like they're not in touch with their sexuality yes yes it's like a little kid it's a movie for children for children but it's for adults there was a band that matt was listening to and annie was like these people sound like they've never had sex it's like adult men singing it's just the funniest criticism ever like you hear a band and you're like oh fuck yeah like these drums this guy's fuck oh my god yeah these guys fuck all

the time yes and then you go watch Wes Anderson but Tom Hanks's hair is so beautiful in this film I don't know if it's his real hair it looked like it's white and silvery or it's an amazing wig but he looks so dapper. And I will say, Wes Anderson, the aesthetics of this movie are so beautiful. It's called Asteroid City. Everyone's skin is this cool, weird, orangey tan. Everyone's lipstick is this beautiful red, orangey red. It's amazing.

Everything's pastel blue and yellow and pink. And Scarlett Johansson is great, but Tom Hanks looks great. Don't worry. Wes Anderson's not watching this. He's not going not gonna take offense he knows he's cutesy film film directors understand that there's going to be criticism about what they do every creator does you know like this is gonna exist it's okay to have a criticism i watched last night so no or um anya's favorite director is noah bombach okay Noah Baumbach I've back or whatever

I've never I love Noah Baumbach the way you say anything is funny it is I've never watched any of his films Noah Baumbach

and have you watched his films Bri he went to college with one of my ex-girlfriends so I am I am all in the

Baumbach verse yeah well is it back or bach I want to just get it right so I don't sound like a tool I say bomb back bomb back okay so Noah bomb bach back he

I watched Francis Ha was my first Francis Ha made me weep tears I weeped I weep tears really i weeped yes wept yeah i weeped i weeped and weeped i weeped over the bach i could not stop crying after watching why why oh it just struck me the parents at the end watching her go and then her finding herself and it just reminded me of me it reminded me of girls

and if you love your parents i feel like if you love your parents, I feel like if you love your parents. Okay, I gotta watch this. And you know those are real parents. Greta Gerwig's real parents. Oh my God. Yeah. There were some scenes. What is this we're talking about?

It's a film about a girl in New York City who's like trying to find herself. It's called Frances Ha. H-A. Frances F-R-A-N-C-E-S. Ha. And I find, I've only watched two of his films. So I watched that one and then I watched Greenberg.

And she's also, I love Greta Gerwig. I will watch anything. I just love the way she talks. And it's kind of like this. And just really like she almost draws out her words like tea. And it's like, I just love her face and her look. And she's not super skinny, which I appreciate about like any,

so tired of seeing like anorexic actresses and like people who are just like stunningly like, you know, filled up and all this stuff. Like I just can't really deal with anymore. There's a new video that shows what J-Law has done to her face by Laurie Hill, who is my like God on who like my god on who like she's the girl on YouTube who will tell you

what actresses have done when they don't tell you because she has had all the stuff done and she is trained to know and there's a new video that she's like I think it's one of my best videos ever that I did on J-Law and to show what perfect choices that J-Law has made on her face she talks exactly like that

and I can't even watch it because I want to get it all done that J-Law has made on her face. She talks exactly like that. And I can't even watch it because I want to get it all done. Because J-Law does look amazing. It doesn't look like she has work done. But yeah. And there's no shame in it. But yeah. But yeah. If you saw her in Hot Ones, she's so...

But I can't wait to see her new film. Anyway, Frances Ha, whatever. I liked it. It's all in black and white. It makes it a little hard to watch. But I'm like, what is this? Like the fucking Three Stooges? I love that. It's cool, but it's all in black and white makes it a little hard to watch but I'm like what is this like the fucking three stooges I love that though it's cool but it's kind of cut

like we get it why what was the choice why did they do it why was it in black and white that's what I want to know why I get it in Roger Rabbit okay yeah because it's like there's like a world that yeah or in the what's the's like a world that... Yeah, or in the...

What's the famous... Wizard of Oz. Yeah, the Wizard of Oz. That makes perfect sense. Or when they didn't have color film yet. Yeah. Like any movie

that fit into that genre. Yeah. Or the Smart List Doc. Yeah, the Smart List Doc is also in black and white and I like... By the way, whenever you take

a picture of yourself and you put it into black and white, you look prettier. Yeah, I love black and white photos so it is there's a reason because people in the 20s watching black and white movies being like this is so cool why is there no color they were saying that's so funny um so anyway i watched greenberg and brian you are greenberg oh i haven't seen green you are greenberg tell me about you so many times you i want you to watch it brian it's good it's ben

stiller plays this guy who's like um got out of a mental institution that is no that's not why you're greenberg he got out of a mental institution he's staying at his brother's house while they're on vacation and his brother's a big time uh hollywood successful guy his whole family's out of town so they he's staying he just got out of a mental hospital so he's staying at his brother's house to take care of their dog and just like house guest while they're out of town but they also have a housekeeper who's played by greta gerwig the girl who i really like who talks like this all the time find her yes this is all on Netflix both these movies and then she and then they kind of develop a relationship

reluctantly and he's like 40 49 I think or he's like mid 40s and she's like 23

which is problematic for me not problematic in the sense that you know I think it should be cancelled but I'm just like is it true

is she that age in the movie yes but in real life well when the when she shot the movie this is a long time ago this is like 2010 the movie came out i think 2012 maybe um but it's a kind of guy all of us know who is reminiscing about his past in a band he was signed for like eight months and he cannot stop talking about these eight months of his life where he was signed no he that's not true sorry yeah he's the one that gave up on the band right so he's like over it past and he cannot get past his his days of like i had this deal but i fucked you know yeah he's one of the people that are like these kids are saying cap now and it's like yeah yeah well you're old that's why like it move on um and so but brian i think you should watch it because

he really reminded me of you and that his like how he's a really good person but he can be very blunt and like have strong opinions that can sometimes be uh like people can take as like this guy is maybe rude or something not that you i've ever thought you were rude but like you know brian no why i'm not saying anything bad i'm trying i know i like this because i'm trying to figure that out especially like on stage you know i want to make sure that i'm being my authentic self and you know what can help what i haven't seen you on stage ever no no no definitely not you're so good um like i would and this is just me not having seen you for literally almost eight years now but like anything that might be off putting to the audience about you and your intensity can be offset by you like smiling a

little bit or laughing at what you're talking about and not trying to stay in the frame of mind when you wrote it and having more of a like i just think any comedian can benefit from smiling more in their act in obviously including me i've been watching footage and i'm like if you smile more people are gonna know that you're joking and they're not gonna because it's and that's not a trick yes it's not a trick it's just like in head, I'm trying to recreate as angry as I was when I wrote this joke so that it's perfectly exemplified. But they need to be let in on the fact

that I know I'm kidding a little bit and that I'm having fun. And smiling can be overused. But I think that, I mean, I learned it watching Taylor Swift. I'm not even going to lie. My performance on Saturday night was amazing because I just watched her on Friday night

and just like her interactions with the crowd her being so grateful that they're there her just like enjoying every moment and it's just you know it's really good for me to see all these fucking concerts I'm going to see Ben Folds tonight actually

oh my god wait can I ask a question about the brian thing really quick yes so when he when he has a joke that he thinks might be off-putting or ostracizes the audience you're saying smile a little bit right because that gives the audience a clue that he's in on this he's not a freak yeah i don't think it'll like a hundred and I don't even think that's his issue but what if he doesn't know which joke to smile on like what if he's like

are you mystified I'm just saying overall go out there and be a little bit cheerier in general for every kind of performer unless it's like really your bag

to be like a grumpus wait let's see an example Anthony Jeselnik smiles at his jokes and his jokes are cause he's he just has like a little yes

he has a little sociopathic smile yeah let's hear an example about what like a like a a piece of your act that you

I didn't ask you Anya did I would never do this to you I don't go out there and smile I was rolling with it I find that if I do if I'm

if I'm smiling more I'm just having more fun and then that makes the set better yes but I do a lot of my stuff on stage is talking about how I'm like a curmudgeon and kind of like I have like an old man vibe to me and so it does go along with

you know not smiling and then that's what I was saying about just kidding remember last week I said I had to learn how to say just kidding because so many times I would say something that was a joke and people would be like, what? What are you talking about? And then, so I learned to go joke, joke, joke.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. And then that puts people, I don't know what that makes people feel, but at least they know I'm joking. I've recently said when people get offended or go like whoa that's too much i go i've said let me just backtrack and say i've done nothing wrong here and what i've said all i've said is that anthony i made a reference to anthony bourdain committing suicide in a hotel he did that i didn't do it to him i'm not making fun of it i'm literally using it oh did you guys just find out i like talk them through it i go your offense is

not warranted like i understand if i'm like and that fucking idiot hung himself in that but i'm not saying that i'm not saying oh his daughter's sad isn't that hilarious she lost her dad i'm just stating that he did it so i'm not then you should get mad at tom brokaw who broke the news to you too then because i'm doing nothing different than that I'm just referencing it and yes it is a punchline but it's not making fun of him you gotta know the difference so I think that instead of saying just kidding yell at them about why you're right we'll be right back with more snow Jon Stewart is back at the Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What are you looking at?

What are you laughing at? I'm just thinking, you know, you were talking about how people were like oh god how dare you yes people i don't you find this in your audience i mean that people are looking to find something off like that to say oh because they have no identity because they're white and we don't have a lot of culture and so people need to identify themselves by what they're offended by. Because it means that I'm something like, what was that? Why would they pay money?

Because their boyfriend likes me or their son or they're like, it's always the person that doesn't is brought along. And Rob Thomas and I were talking about the person who gets brought along and is just sitting there like a grump the whole time. Cause they're like jealous of their partner. And, and yeah, it's true. Like I identify as a Swifty because I'm white.

I have nothing. I don't have like a culture to be like, wow, this is who I am. Like I'm boring. I'm a basic bitch. And so I grasp onto this identity because I want to feel different. I want to feel unique. And my obsession with her makes me feel that way.

And a lot of people don't have that. I would suggest people who get offended get into taylor swift i want to help the whites for a second you already are but yeah yes uh i feel like there's a way we can figure because because i think sometimes white people feel like they have no culture at all and i think sometimes they're overlooking or they're discounting the culture that they have like if you're if you're jewish we're not allowed to have culture though why not like because people are just like it's fucking white people shit like it's like if you're from texas i'm not playing a victim by the way i don't think we should culture

like if you're from that's why people latch on to that or they like wear like this is all dumb shit it's not like kente cloths and things that actually have meaning and head wraps. What's wrong with that? No, I don't get that. You go to another state. Why do they talk lazy? If I'm around Kirsten, I start talking like Kirsten.

I want to know where this lazy talk comes from. Because it's just a different way of laughing. It's hot, isn't it different way of life man and it's hot and it's cool the humidity weighs down your bottom lip yeah that i literally get a little tired i love it why does anyone have any different dialect it's because it's just you know it just seems sloppy to me what do you mean how kirsten talks yeah what does she do well like if i'm around kirsten i'll be like doing kirsten things like i'll i don't know I don't know how to describe it but I'll be like hey do you think it's cool if we like run into this story that's my impression of Kirsten but like I will I will

start impersonating Kirsten my whole act is just all of my funniest people together it my personal personality stage yeah when I do something that's like, and then you gotta do, and then that's a little bit, Chris, Convy, Lizzy Cooperman, there's, I do You, where it's like, I'm not doing that, you know, like any kind of thing, because I'm a person that has cut out magazines

and made a collage, and that's a chameleon. Yeah, that's right. That's what artists do, they absorb things around them, and there's some artists, and there's some thingsameleon yes yeah that's right that's what artists do they absorb things around that and there's some artists and there's some things i do that are completely unique and and and me but i would say i i paint with things i pick up things from other people that i go that's really funny i'm gonna use that and i usually i don't think that i'm gonna use it but my subconscious mind does but um well you think it's funny so you you catch it and yeah or i'll just like

yeah i'm trying to think of an example but yeah chris always used to be like and then that like he would do he would kind of say things like that and like i'm not gonna do that ever and i was like that's a really funny way to say that yeah and so i just started doing it because it was funny and then it made it in my act and now it's like a way now it seems like something I created

but I didn't I think you created it and he picked it up no no it was it was always God

Jesus Christ no I do I can't get a break here no no no I think you start you've been doing that for a long time really

yes no I can I'm almost positive i got it from him you sure yeah i i really remember hearing him do that and then catching myself doing it and being like that's very chris no like i saw when i saw a comedian smile and then i said i think i should start smiling yeah oh yeah it took me a long time to perfect it for brian oh my god brian's gonna be like grinning like oh god stage. Oh God, please. What's the deal with cards?

That looks like a cringe emoji. Cards. No, I mean, Brian, didn't you impersonate a comedian when you first started? Oh my God, I went through so many phases. There was a time when I called myself Frantic Frangie. Not literally in my head. I was like, I'm frantic becauseangie not literally in my head I was like I'm frantic because I would go on stage and I would be like you know kind of like a Richard Lewis style like yes what's going on everything's so crap why am I oh and then I got this going on and then and

it was just yelling and so out of control holding onto your hat like I used to hear about Richard Lewis the one anecdote I heard about him was that he waits in a limo outside the door to the green room, like outside the door to the theater. And they're like, they're ready for you. And he walks straight on stage and then straight back into his limo. He spends no time in the building. He just goes. And I remember using to think like, that's insane. Like, how doesn't he have to prepare?

And like, what? How does he know what he's going to say? Like, he just goes. And now I'm like, that would be he's preparing that's my ideal yeah is to not prepare at all have no chance to no you're just in the limo on your phone or something oh yeah i would think okay so richard lewis you impersonated who else um i there ever there was the i mean i impersonated Mulaney a little bit Who hasn't?

There was the era of the baby burrs I definitely Baby burrs? There was this period of time between 2012 to 2016 or something To 20 now Where every white male comedian In New York City was trying to do a little Bill Burr impression

They were called the baby burrs I came up in the baby Hedberg phase of like so many guys just like talking like this into a microphone and just going like what's like doing one-liners and looking down and um dying of heroin overdose but um and then Norm McDonald doing the you know the the leaning into your punchline stuff. Oh, my God. Norm Macdonald. I saw a clip yesterday and I was like, Jesus Christ, this guy is so fucking good. He's the best. Because he took a trope that I'm just like, what are you going to get out of this?

Like, you know, they say, you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Oh, my God. Did you see that clip? That joke is so funny. Because that is such a tired thing. Wait, what's the punchline? The punchline is like, you know what? They don't mean like, you know, if you get, he says, he gives some example.

Like, they don't mean like if you get, you know, a disease there, you're not going to have it when you get home. What that phrase means, what they're saying is that you can fuck a prostitute and she's not going to tell your wife. It's not like these jabbering prostitutes were back home. These small town whores who are just blabbing all over. You know, oh, Diane, then he gives an example of two women getting their hair done

and she's like, I fucked your husband last week. And it's like, it's so funny because that is what that phrase is about it's about like these prostitutes won't tell you it's so funny and it gave me so much hope because it seems like a subject matter that is just you could never find anything funny in that phrase because it's so well trodden and like so boring and like so could say even like even making fun of the fact that it's kind of because it's just overdone.

Yeah. And that just gave me I love jokes like that that give me hope about really no subject is hacked. I used to have anxiety about that. Like isn't aren't we going to run out of stuff to joke about?'t there's so many comedians so many specials isn't there going to be like we've covered all the topics now but really it's it's infinite because you can everybody can have a different perspective on infinite topics and so it never runs out yeah you can even there i always think about if norman donald were still alive all the jokes that would exist right now that don't because of him, all the uncovered,

all the artifacts that are out there to be found. Like there is a world of hilarity that would, and Greg Giraldo, if he was around like all the Trump stuff, he would have told like Joan Rivers. Like think of the, all those jokes are out there. Those people were the only ones looking for them.

They were the James Cameron for those Titanic's, the james cameron for those titanics you know they and no one else's can go down there without imploding so those are just never gonna be seen would you dad would probably go down in that submarine don't you think no no no no he wouldn't actually he's scared of depths and heights no he wouldn't he's kind of he was the first to say i would have never done that yeah these idiots who would do that chris i'm not mom chris would do it now if they had an extra submarine made of the same things he'd be like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity i'm like yeah that lifetime's over he would do it my boyfriend does not have the chip in his brain

that says dangerous oh and i'm worried about that's all i'm made of first word it was my first word i just don't it's so weird to love someone so much who you relate as soon as i realized he wasn't born with like almost like without born with like an arm where i'm like how can you not pick that up with your right hand? He's like, I don't have an arm. So when I go, how could you ever want to climb Mount Everest when you know that one out of, or K2, one out of six people die? And he's like, because I just- Does he want to do that? He's not scared of death.

Does he want to do that? Yes. He wants to do it all. He wants, he'll go on any roller coaster. He'll go on any bungee thing. He'll go on any crazy expedition. Wow go on any bungee thing he'll go on any crazy expedition wow i couldn't relate to this less he told me that story about how he was in abu dhabi and he rode those uh rvs or whatever and he flipped his over did you hear we were no yeah i'm sure he

almost died and he was like i flipped over my rv and he was awesome yeah he had an abu jabi and an abu jabi and he was there for like nine months and he put he i know whenever we drive past forerunners he's like that looks fun and i'm like when i want to be single i'll send you out on one of those i can't wait yeah just you gotta see that uh documentary with chris free solo um about that's what i'm gonna want to be after he watches that and he's like this looks cool i'm gonna go you know what i'm free and solo right now we're done because i cannot test that guy's brain and he is missing he's missing a very important part of his fear center there's no way that chris could like my i just realized there's something missing or i have something missing

does he climb at all does he scramble on rocks? No, but he would. No, he, oh, when we were in Tel Aviv, he was on these rocks jumping around. And then there was a sign, thank God in English, that said, stay off the rocks. And I was like, you heed that sign because he's a man of the law. But he, given some rocks, he will start running all over them. He's got weak ankles. He knows that. He's got weak ankles. He knows that.

He's got to come with me on some scrambles. He would go with you on any of those things. And yeah, he loves adventure. What's a scramble? You could spelunk. Scrambling is like rock climbing without any equipment where it's not. You're not doing a sheer cliff. You're just like kind of having to go on your hands and knees to get up on rocks to climb a mountain. Not a mountain, but like a pile of rocks or something. Is it bouldering? Is it the same

as bouldering? You know what? While you guys do that, I'll download Raya again and just get my profile ready. Because he's gonna die. He's an older, he's aging, his body is like, do not put him in these situations. Mom, Matt Green, our

I know. My brother-in-law goes on these things called 14ers where there's like 14 of these mountains that are above this amount. You know, Brian,

and he's done like eight of the 14s. Yeah, I say, did you get your life insurance, Matt, before you leave? Yeah.

No, 14ers aren't that dangerous. Some of them are. Oh, we've seen, we've seen plenty of that stuff. We've seen some GoPro footage from the top. And we're all like, okay.

Yeah. I'm just like, I count up. Do not die. Every time he leaves. A 14er is just a peak that you can climb that's over 14,000 feet above sea level. I cannot lift these children. Mom doesn't want Matt to die because she cannot do child care.

I can't talk about him. Sometimes you don't have to climb at all when you're doing a 14er. It's just a hike, a really strenuous uphill hike that goes up to 14,000 feet. Oh my God. It's hopping from this big crevasse.

Crevasse. And what's the other word that Sting uses? No. Canyon? That Sting uses? Yeah. It's in his song. Oh, really?

Fields of Barley? No, forget it. I'll get back to you. I'll be watching you. Next time you get me on, I'll have this word down. Anyway, no, there's some big wide jumps. Oh, right. It depends on what mountain,

depends on what trail you take. Sometimes it doesn't have to be that dangerous. Like if you want to climb like Mount Whitney or something, you don't necessarily have to put yourself in danger to do it. Well, I believe you, but I bet whoever he's with,

his brother. But he's doing all of them, Brian. So some of them have some level. Some of them must be dangerous. Yes. He's doing all of them. So it So some of them have some level. Some of them must be dangerous. Yes. He's doing all of them. So it's like. Julie, if you picture Matt like jumping over a wide

gulch. Yeah. What about it? Do you get a little hiccup? Chasm's a word I'm going to use. Do you feel anything in your vagina? When you imagine it. Who said that? No. I'm so glad it was Noah and Nani. You're in trouble, Noah.ah no i almost said it but i wanted well now i do

well like you know that sense you get when you are like up and like high or on something or like if someone if you see something disgusting like do you get like a sense in your when i get off when you get off when you get too high up no are know the little sense like if you see something like someone almost like slice their arm on something or like you hear about a splinter

and like do you get a little ting in your vagina? Yes, for sure. In your vagina? Okay, me too. Oh, I haven't thought about that. But maybe. I get it in like my stomach

and my like ribs. I think I get it more in my stomach. Yeah, me too. I always had it in my stomach and then five years ago it went three inches. I always had it in my stomach. And then five years ago, it went three inches down. And I had it there. Okay.

I'm going to pay attention to this. Yeah, pay attention. But I hate that. I can't even think about something bad happening. My sister follows this Instagram account called like, you guys will know it, but it's like kids falling or something. And it's kids bailing and she's like

this is hysterical to me and I can't watch it it's like they don't get hurt but they're always falling final thought these videos where people say

no one got hurt did you check? did you check up on them? because this is bullshit I see people break bones all the time that you cannot see

and I don't want to see. I hate people falling. Yeah. America's Funniest Home Videos. Oh, no. Did they not get hurt or did they not die? Because it's like, just because someone's not dead doesn't mean they're not grievously injured and suffering. Even though I did watch the shark attack in Egypt without, I found it unblurred.

And I saw this guide. It looks like a scene in Jaws. I mean, it's insane. I recommend watching it. It's not too bad. What? I recommend this guy. It looks like a scene in Jaws. I mean, it's insane. I recommend watching it. It's not too bad. What? I recommend watching it? Because if you have any interest,

I'm someone who doesn't like gore. I don't like really frightening things. I will not watch like faces of death. I've never seen any like really, you know, I don't watch scary movies. But this is so far away and the girl filming it, it's almost annoying

because she just keeps going, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Is he getting killed? Oh my God. Yeah. the girl filming it it's almost annoying because she just keeps going oh my god oh my god oh my god is he getting killed oh my god yeah he definitely got killed was this not too long ago right yeah this was like a couple weeks ago definitely like you just told us not to be scared of sharks yeah you shouldn't be because this is so rare it's the same as bees. No. Honestly. Bees. Well, there are going to be shark attacks. Sharks will kill people, but the odds of it are insane, and they don't really want to eat you.

But this kid got, and I only watched it because I wanted to hear him scream, Dad, because that's what someone said. He screamed. I know that's so sad. I don't know why I wanted to hear it, but you can't hear it. Well, guess what? You got to go somehow. He said, Papa. I'm just kidding. No, you can't hear it. Well, guess what? You got to go somehow. He said Papa.

I'm just kidding. No, you couldn't hear it at all. Papa, please. No, it was so bad. It's so sad. I recommend watching it. Should I watch this first or should I watch Greenberg?

You remind me of this guy too. Just thrashing about. You got a lot on your plate, Brian. No, I mean, it looks like out of the movies. Like if you watch Jaws, you know, like where they get hit and then they're just kind of like flailing around. And then he's crying.

I'm sorry. I'll stop describing. Survival of the fittest. Oh my God, sure. Honestly, this is the risk you take. Is this a surfboard? This is why I don't go with the ocean. This is why I don't go.

He's far out too. I would never be far out. What does survival of the fittest mean in this context? That the shark is the fitter. Do not go out that far. He should have been doing more F45 classes, this kid. What country was this? Egypt.

And it was a surfer? No, it was just a swimmer. Swimming out too far. But he was way out. You know what I'm saying? Not that the sharks can't get you inside either. You're taking a chance going out that far. But sorry I said to recommend watching it.

I'm not celebrating this at all. It freaked me out. It made me so sad. I'm so fucking sad for this kid. He did not deserve that. You almost have to talk about it to cleanse the trauma of seeing it.

Kind of. It wasn't that traumatic for me. For whatever reason, I can watch that, but I could never watch the movie Midsommar, which I've read. I've read the description

to that and it sounds horrific. And I would never watch that. I don't know. i've read i've read the description to that and it sounds horrific and i would never watch that movie wait you did it's that like scandinavian film yeah i really liked it with with okay so will you tell me but i didn't know anyone who'd seen it okay it's fucked up right everyone who says it says it keeps getting you think it's gonna get better like all the gore is done and it keeps things keep getting worse it's crazy yes it gets worse i actually saw that movie it was like a midnight show in an empty theater avi and i went it was so fun you guys are so the same i know um and i thought it was like cinematically was what like a really really great movie especially when they're high like um they take mushrooms on this like campsite

and the way they presented that was awesome it felt like you were tripping yes yes exactly and i was completely sober and there's this one part yeah well there's this one part well there's this one part where there's like this orgy and this guy who is one of the captives like these women fuck him it's great I don't know I think I would really like it

talk about like wait talk about fucking on camera like this I've only seen I haven't seen the idol have you guys seen the idol yet on hbo no i won't watch it because of i don't the the stories around it i saw one little clip that maybe you sent me and i'm like yeah i sent you that is it was so funny it's like when the trainer is looking at the girl's body and he's like touching her too much in the weekend who's the girl's boyfriend is like get off my woman right now and he's like but my parents are doctors he goes if my friend was a

gynecologist you think i could put my finger up any girl i wanted it was just like so good and then he's like and then he fires the trainer and the trainer's like i only take direction from my boss and then the girl's like i'm sorry it's just not gonna work out. Like, it's just so, it's so bad. That's so weird. Sorry, I can't watch Lily Rose Depp. And then Chris was like, oh, I've been watching this. It's so pornographic. And he starts pulling up all the sex scenes from it. It is, this makes me so- Yes, this makes me so mad.

I'm leaning forward because I have a point to make. Everyone who's in the porn industry gets ostracized from Hollywood. They can't even dream of ever going to the Golden Globes or the Oscars or, you know, rubbing elbows with the Hollywood elite because they've done porn and it's so offensive and it's so degrading and it's so just like you're just lesser than if you've done porn. Yet Lily Rose Depp can be having exactly the same kind of sex that i watch in my bedroom when i go to xvideos.com or spankbank.com or you know xxnx.com okay learned a new one thank

you or uh you know black draw.com and it's all it's the same it is exactly systematically the same yeah maybe you don't see exact insertion and you don't see, but there's nothing different about it. There's nothing different. Yet she will be lauded for this and be able to go to every red carpet. She'll get to go to the Met Gala.

And why is it? And you know why? She should be able to. And so should porn stars. It's a fucking art. You should not. And Chris was like, why would an actress ever do this

like it's so egregious like he goes when you see these like actresses that are really like have a lot of credibility why would they do these like lesbian porn scenes and i go because i would in a second because you know what there are a lot of us that would love to do porn and i know my mom hates when i say this but i think porn is an amazing art and it can be done very well and I would like to do it but I could never do it because it would I would be ostracized but if I ever got asked to do a movie where I have to have a lesbian scene because that's the director's vision I would be like hell yes sign me up I've always wanted to do this so we should not the lines between porn and cinema are indistinguishable now.

Based on what I've seen from the idol, it's not fair. If we are scorning porn stars for what they do and making them kill themselves because they can't get a fucking job after they age out of porn because they've done porn before and they can't go DJ in Dayton, Ohio at a Burt Kreiser show, which happened to Carter Cruz, who was a porn actress and is now retired, and she's a DJ. They Googled his lineup last summer, saw that Carter Cruz was on it,

saw that she had done porn before, and because of the endowment of this stupid center in Dayton, this theater that they were performing, she was not allowed to perform because she had done porn before. It wasn't Bert saying no. It was the endowment for it.

Yeah, I mean, Burt brought her on tour as a DJ. She has nothing to do with porn anymore. But this is what I'm saying. If we are allowing Lily Rose Depp to be on the Kelly Clarkson show, then we should let Sasha Gray be on the Kelly Clarkson show. It should be... Does this make sense?

Why do we go, that's art, and then porn is not art fuck this show i fucking hate the idol i think the weekend is a bad person i think that this show is exploitative i think that i don't need to see lily rose depp's tits this much as much as i'm like go girl do it and i would probably do it too i think it's gratuitous i think it's like a man like kind of put her up to it and i would love to say no she chose to do this but i don't think she wrote it and i don't think a woman wrote this but i didn't really check it just feels she didn't me and i don't want to see a girl who looks like a has she has a child body being fucked how about that this girl looks like she's 12 years old she looks like she's 12 and they fucking know

that she does and that's why they cast her because people want to see children have sex because everyone's gross that's my final rant for the day is it the same director uh as euphoria yes because he likes to see young girls yes that that was my issue with euphoria at first i really really liked it and then i was like oh these scenes are really egregious like and kind of like giving me a vibe that a man has written this i thought it was um written by women and then and then i found that out and that's my issue with the idol is that it just like exploits women um it's a girl who looks prepubescent and i know that they they casted it for that reason she does not have there's no no offense to her body she has a beautiful body but they chose her i believe she's great actress too when you're watching it you feel like you're watching cp

she's very not waifu and they know what they're doing yes daisy jones and the six versus the idol which one would you rather watch the idol because it's because it at least it knows what it is i think more than daisy jones and the six who is trying to be something it's not but i like this is no shade to lily rose depp i i believe and she said she had a good time on the film and i'm sure she didn't have a gun to her head and like her whole life and career were threatened for her to put out that statement because of the rumors swelling around this. But I do believe that when you're an actress auditioning for a thing and you finally get this role, you've been up in front of these men countless times. Just their your life is in their hands to give you this role. They have this power.

And then you finally get the role. Are you going to suddenly be able to speak up to that guy and tell him, I don't want to do this? This guy that has already established such a control over whether you get this or not. Not only him, but the studio heads that had to sign off on you. The reason you're there is because a bunch of men chose you. So at what point do you think an actress is going to have the autonomy at that age, at her first starring role in something, to be like, I'm a little uncomfortable about this. Right. And I don't think, I just, maybe she's stronger than I think she is.

I just know that in that position, even at my age, if I got a role in something, I would do anything the director fucking said because they gave me that role. And that's why I think that maybe casting should happen outside of a direct i don't know i'm maybe i'm setting new guidelines that i need to talk to sag after about but because of that relationship that you establish with the director when you audition in front of him you're giving him that power before he even has cast you and therefore you you'll do anything and that's good point thank you really it really is i mean i i would never think it's you good point. Thank you. Really? It really is. I mean, I would never think it's something like that. Thank you for having me. Even when as the producer of a reality show, I empowered the girls that we chose to say,

you are in the position of power. You cannot be replaced. We've already shot three episodes with you. We can't reshoot that. If you want to walk off set because you don't like something that's going on, you fucking put your foot down because you're in the driver's seat now. We were before when we cast you, but now you have the power. We're replaceable.

You're not. And that's what I think these actresses need to be empowered to do, but I doubt that they feel that way. And, you know, it's complicated. But, yeah, maybe people who have watched The Idol can enlighten me. Maybe I need to watch more of it and I'll like totally change my tune but I just don't

I like the weekend's music but I don't like I don't like his little demeanor I don't like it and I just listen to an AI and his halftime show made me

I hated hated the Super Bowl halftime show really? with all the mirrors? it was too much effects and not enough music it was just like

I felt like he was trying to hypnotize me oh okay I was like what is this a magic trick? Yeah. I don't mind his music. And maybe I can separate what a bad person he is from his music.

With some people, I can do that. I don't care about Michael Jackson. I can still enjoy it, even though I know he's licked little boys' assholes. Okay. Why do you... These are facts. Again, I'm just... Tom Brokaw, you guys.

I'm reporting the facts. This is what he did. Really, you know that's a fact? Did you not watch the Finding Neverland? I didn't hear those words. Yes, yes. I'm sorry to get so into it. I might have put that out of my brain.

Yeah, well, go watch that shark attack. Put it back. Papa, papa. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. This episode fucking sucks. Also, what the little child yelled while Michael was doing that. No, no, no.

Oh my God. I had to do it. You know what? Fuck it. Because you know what? Every other podcast is going to these places. All these like bad friends and Tim Dillon. They all get to like work in this.

They get to say whatever they want. Tom Segura. But for some reason we don't. We're going there, folks. We're going there, we don't. We're going there, folks. We're going there. We're apologizing for it. That's why. We can't apologize for it.

No apologizing. We can't have any shame here. This is fucked up. Make a new bingo card, Nicky Pod memes, because we're going off the rails. This is no more of like just inner empowerment bullshit talk.

We are making fun of grim disasters and trauma. Okay, anyway, I hope you guys have a great week. Well, I think we have a show tomorrow. Yeah, we're taping this a week in advance, so I'm kind of all over the place on the schedule. But we'll see you tomorrow on the show. Mom, thank you for being here. Sure, thanks for having me. And

have a good day and don't be cuh. And just fuck it. Say what you want. Yeah. and have a good day and don't be cuck and just fuck it say what you want and just apologize later and be like please don't cancel me but also do because I'm tired catch John Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show

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