The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #357 New TV Show, A Wedding Is A Break Up With Your Single Self & BLOOD!

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

Nikki and Brian are sitting next to each other in a sad airBNB. Nikki wonders what is the appeal of the Calabasas area. She anticipates dying on stage as they both embark on a new showbiz journey. This brings them to the love of the word "languishing". The girls are back after seeing each other for Anya's wedding weekend. They share their favorite memories from the pre-wedding dinner and wedding in a celebrity's backyard. From the "poignant" speeches, a sad saxophone to a blood chilling story that Anya hears for the first time.  --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Here's Nikki. Hello, it's me. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. Welcome. I'm looking at Brian. You look like you're posing for a mugshot. I'm a little dazed. You're a little dazed. Yeah, you've been working hard. You're here with me and we're together. Brian and I are together on the same tiny couch in Airbnb in West Hills. Beautiful, glorious West Hills, home of the Sunoco gas station. Is it really? I don't know. I'm just saying.

It's bleak out here. I don't get it. I mean, this is supposed to be like the fanciest part of LA. It's supposed to be. It's near Cal part of la it's supposed to be we're all near calabasas it's near calabasas but it just kind of looks like a suburb to me i'm sure the houses cost like five million dollars each but i guess there's a charter school around the corner out here that is so it's really far from it's like 45 how long did it take you to get here today from culver city it took me about 45 minutes yeah i don't get it take you to get here today from Culver City? It took me about 45 minutes. Yeah.

I don't get it. Yeah. You'd think it'd be by the beach. You'd think it'd be somewhere where people would recreate. But instead, it's just up in the mountains. It's hot out here. It's dry. There's nothing around.

Sad. Yeah. I'm saying, and the Airbnbs are such a crapshoot. You have land. People can have horses and and all you know, that's right. I think Whitney lives out here or like Tom's the girl whenever I would do a podcast of someone with millions and millions and millions of dollars like Rogan. It was always driving out. Well, I want to see where they're living because I'm sure that it's I mean this to me just looks like this could be where I grew up except without the palm trees this is worse than where I grew up

it is worse isn't this where the Kardashians live? what was that? the Kardashians don't they live in like yeah they live in Calabasas I think they made this place kind of cool at least that was the first time I'd ever heard of it anyway I'm here for a show Brian is working with me on

the show so we're both you're commuting every day like yes it's gonna be insane and our shooting times sorry secret show can't say the name but the shooting times are from three to three are you aware of that what yeah no i am well aware 3 p.m to 3 a.m wow um sunday through thursday yes yes and then i i didn't realize i could have kept working on the road i'm glad i didn't because i would have done it and then died yeah like i could have done saturday nights nikki i would have passed away but i am already booked up uh and if you're in the la area i'm gonna be um doing sets every single Friday and Saturday. And I will pass away at one of those shows on stage.

She is a hard working girl. In like four weeks when it all gets to me. And I'm like, I can't do this anymore. Why are you doing this to me? And they're like, you asked us for a set. That's when I'll pass away.

That's the worst. When you have a breakdown. When you ask for a set and then you just don't want to do it at all yeah i don't want to do anything i ever do yeah i'm unhappy with all of my life's decisions i mean is it like i dread everything and then i do it and i'm like happy but i'm always i feel like even taylor swift shows uh do your horn honk whenever i go to those shows i'm the anticipation is always better than no the the thing is great but the anticipation like i've always said i like christmas eve i don't like christmas i like my may 31st i don't like june

1st that's my birthday i don't i want number 31st yeah yeah i don't like June 1st. That's my birthday. I don't, I want. December 31st. Yeah. I don't really give a shit about New Year's Eve. So I don't care about it. I hate New Year's Eve. Why? I think it's too much pressure. I think you got to figure out what you're going to do. So every year for New Year's Eve.

Oh, when you were single, I bet that was a nightmare. Yeah, it's a nightmare. There was that one year that Zooey Deschanel did a duet with, I think it was Joseph Gordon-Levitt or something. Oh yeah.

What are you going to do on New Year's Eve? That old, what are you going to do on New Year's Eve? That old. What are you going to do on New Year's Eve? Yeah, that's pretty good. And it made me so sad because I was just like nothing. Yeah, it's a lot. And then you got to kiss someone. It's all the.

Oh, yeah. Why did they add that? I don't know who added that. But yeah, I think I only did that once. And then now I do when I only did that once. And then now I do when I'm with my partner. Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan.

It's all Reagan's fault. He did it. So are you ready to embark on this journey? Oh, I'm ready. Yeah, I'm ready to do anything. This is the life of show business. I got to tell you, I've been languishing. I love that word. Well, it was a word that became popularized during the pandemic because many people were languishing it's this idea that and there's articles written about it in in in uh publications wow yeah and i

i was languishing it's just like this feeling do you guys know what languishing is it's like it feels like what you do when you're like You're depressed and you're stuck And you can't You're just like It's waiting It's like a waiting room It's like nothing bad is happening

And you don't really feel that bad But you don't feel good And you don't feel Will someone look up the definition of languish please You don't feel anything It sounds also like a procedure that a woman would do If she was like not feeling fresh like it's almost like douching it's like i have to languish really quick yes like a quick rinse

something but yeah languishing sounds like you're meandering through two different parts of your life like you're sort of listless and i picture someone laying down yeah Yeah, on a bed. Yeah, there's a lot of that. But it's not quite like depression. It's not quite as low as depression, but it's that slow Chinese water drip torture that over time, you know what I'm talking about? Over time, you just wake up one day and you're like, I have done nothing for 10 years.

I feel like a husk. That's what languishing is. The Oxford definition is lose or lack vitality, grow weak or feeble. And then the second definition is suffer from being forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation. Yeah, I picture a waiting room with those little kids. They look like roller coasters with the little lines

and then you put the beads and the beads go and you do that like twice and then you're bored as a child and then there's maybe some fish why are there always fish in a waiting room i guess they're beautiful to watch and there we go yeah this is a 90s smart phone question yeah he never asked that question but it would be a great one what's with the fish in the dentist waiting room are there fish in the waiting room do they have teeth um yeah i don't know that definition like i feel like languishing can lead to entropy i remember the first time i was ever depressed and i was a teenager my mom said something like, you have to be careful of entropy.

It's like a physics thing, but it's lack of- It sounds like a bacterial infection from a bed sore. Which is when you need to languish. You've been languishing

too much. Lack of order or predictability. Yes. Well, lack of order or predictability, gradual decline into disorder

yeah in physics it just means that everything tend towards tends towards entropy which is chaos i felt like that chaos or it's like oh yeah it's lack of order okay i wonder what that is as i look at my spilled suitcase and just a bunch of trash on the floor over there. Yeah, I wonder what entropy is. It's like spelled out in front of me. My clothes spell the word

entropy and they're flying across the ground. They made me read that book. Wait, you've been What? Chinua Achebe. Oh, yeah. Wait, all things fall apart.

Yeah, you know that? Chinua Achebe. Yeah. We read it in high school. Don't remember anything about the book. I just remember saying Chinua Achebe. We read it in high school. Don't remember anything about the book. I just remember saying Chinua Achebe over and over again. Me too.

Why were you feeling languish? Just, well, besides the fact that I got married, which, by the way, congratulations, Anya. Anya's married. We're going to talk about. But besides the fact that I got married, outside outside of that on either side of it was just like a was just i felt like nothing nothing was going on so i'm i'm ready to uh do something that takes up a lot of time is really what it comes down to yes yes who is just saying they want to yeah i have a friend that's going through a heartbreak and she's like i just want work i

need some work to throw myself into i need something to just hurl myself into, to get me to not think about it. So I love that you had solidified your relationship and you're like, I need, she's going through a breakup and she's like, I need something to fill my life. And you're like, I just got more solid than ever.

I need something to fill my life. Whoa. Breakups and weddings are kind of the same. Like there's just a finality there's a new a wedding is just a breakup with your single self oh whoa yeah that's not like the that's the author it's not like the Swahili for that quote. Okay. I don't want you to just start saying Chinua Achebe. I was about to.

Like a hakuna matata. You know how it is, Chinua Achebe. So yeah, well, I'm glad, me too. I feel the same way. I feel like there's been just a lot of turmoil and like there's storms brewing in my emotional state recently. And I'm just excited to turn it over to like just get on a train turn it over to jesus turn it over to the show that i'm working on

and just be and when you work on a show you it becomes your life you can't do anything else these shows are so intense yes you can't think about anything else and we are thinking about the characters of the show's lives more than our own you know like you get to be obsessed with someone else's mental state you don't think about your own pain you think about someone else's yes so that'll be fun to do but um and i'm not nervous at all i used to get so nervous about these things and that's a little that's a little worrisome to me when i have zero anxiety about a thing that most people would be very anxious about but i just am like i don't know i just don't you're a veteran you're a pro maybe that's it but do you get nervous when you go on stage to do

stand-up no so do you feel like you're worse because of that no but i felt no yeah yeah i do actually oh you feel like you're a little anxiety makes me work i felt no yeah yeah i do actually oh you feel like i feel like anxiety makes me work a little yeah i guess i don't i should have some anxiety right now you don't have any you always have some you didn't bring any with you today i didn't bring any i forgot it i i was supposed to bring an sd card and an anxiety when's the last time you were nervous about something career-wise or i guess in any i think for me it's like when there is someone in the audience watching who um is famous or who's like i really care about their um like your friend tristan prettyman coming to our show in like san diego i think that i was like

she's i really respect her as an artist and like she's so pretty man her name is pretty yes and she's pretty man oh my god she's gorgeous and I didn't even see her after the show I didn't want to see her because I didn't want her to have to be like nice to me but I'm only reminded that because I saw her at your wedding and I was like oh I think that was the last time I felt like oh god I felt bad because I'm like she's coming to see Anya she has to sit through my shit she doesn't want to I always feel like i'm burdening people with my show i really do it's so weird yeah are you feel i feel you feel like you're burdening people all the time like uh you hired me for this show yeah and i'm like i'm so sorry last night you were like uh by the way if you don't want to come at all

don't worry about it no pressure and it's like what well i meant like you have to drop like i my call time on set is 10 a.m and we're doing the podcast at 8 a.m to buy me some time to drive there and everything and i thought if your call time is not until like one like what if i'm getting there so early to just do hair and makeup but i didn't really know what time we're shooting so i was like maybe you should get there at 12 instead that means it'd be better for you to do the podcast at your place and then go right that's why but yes i did feel like i don't like um yeah i know my call time's your call time okay sweet man i'm your helper all right good well um i like this watch me get my legs painted yeah it will be so fun it's gonna be nice to have brian here in person

since we've we haven't had you here well we only did it once in person never what been in the studio right st louis i've never even seen it those pink walls are are stranger to me my mom painted them in 2021 and um yeah she did a good job and we're going to do a remodel soon. But we're going to get Trading Spaces. We're going to get Paige from Trading Spaces

to come in. Do you guys remember that show? Yes. I know the name. I've never watched it once. Dude, I just saw like a recap of like some of the worst remodels.

So the show was this, it was in the 90s, early 2000s. A couple would go to TLC and be like, to the worst remodels. So the show was this, it was in the nineties, early two thousands. A couple would go to TLC and be like to the show and be like, we need this room redone. We don't know what to do with my husband's rec room. And then they would be like, what are you into?

And then they would hide. They had a little, a cabal of designers that they would choose from. And then each, each person would get to choose one of these designers that was like just these wacky people and then they would use i think it was like a thousand dollars budget it was cheap and they would redo the room and they would turn it into like a beach theme and they put sand on the floor

and like like staple fucking buoys on the wall and it's important to note that these are people's actual houses and yes and they leave it in one time a girl from our high school had trading spaces come and it looked amazing on the show and they leave it. And one time, a girl from our high school had trading spaces come, and it looked amazing on the show, and they were all happy with it. But in reality, it was all very cheaply done, obviously, for $1,000. And they ruined everything. They took it down as soon as they came in, and they all cried when they saw it.

And most people on the show would be like, because they cover their eyes when they walk in, and they go like this, and they go, I love it! Like the show would be like, cause they, you know, they cover their eyes when they walk in. Then they go like this and they go, I love it. Like the way you do when you get your haircut and you hate it and you go, I'm like crying. Cause it's so good. I really,

I told you I wanted it. Um, just an inch off, but I did want six inches. You read my mind. Um, but there was like a compilation of the worst one. Oh yeah.

I think I saw that a video of that woman. Like it's a surprise. And then there's a female compilation of the worst ones. Oh yeah, I think I saw a video of that woman. Like it's a surprise. And then there's a female host, right? Yes, Paige. And she liked her like this. And she had a little pixie cut. She looked like Peter Pan. Because when they made the reveal,

the husband had already seen it and the wife really hated it. Yes, because one person would maybe work with the team. Like the husband would work with the team and then they'd surprise the wife, something like that. And then Paige was like, what's the matter? You don't like it? And she was so both empathetic,

but also she couldn't believe how upset the person was that this person's living room was just destroyed. That show was awesome. Her name is Paige Davis. That show is just watch people's houses get ruined and we reveal it on national television and see how they react.

But I always wanted them to come to my house. I was so naive to it. And then as an adult, you're like, I would never let these fucking kooks in my room to redecorate it and make it into a rodeo theme or whatever. Like turn it into the Rainforest Cafe. When I went away to camp, like summer camp,

I was 13. And actually I went to Mormon camp with my friend Chyna. What? And I came, yeah, she was Mormon. I was not. And it was so embarrassing, dude. Was it Utah? They start brainwashing you.

I came back and was like, I think I'm Mormon. Like they have this thing the last day called testimony. And we were in the Redwoods and the Santa Cruz mountains. And I was like, what is testimony? What is testimony? And they're like, it's when you like give your testimony that like God has touched you this week and touched you. Where they peer pressure you into.

Yes. And I went up there and I was like, I feel, I mean, I don't believe in God and my mom is a communist, but I really have felt the spirit this week and I don't know what to say. And I sobbed. And I remember telling Chyna, I was like, God, I love this song you guys sing about your reverend. She was like, what? I'm like, reverently, quietly, humbly, now we pray. She's like, reverently lee not reverend lee reverently

but i came home back then no i was in a spy i wanted to be in like choirs and musicals but i saw a soft voice so i always would get like like in jack and the beanstalk I got the part of like a sprout I was way in the background but I came home and my dad and mom had redone my entire bedroom in this cool like 80s like everything was modern and white and lacquered and red and black and it was like my room before was frilly and pink and I remember they had cameras and they were taking all these pictures of me and I was just sobbing but I was so happy but I remember feeling traumatized like everything you know from the camp coming from a Mormon camp where you gave your life to Jesus Christ because you're peer pressured into it and you definitely dropped it as soon as you left there was no way you continued on that. The Mormon Jesus though,

the one born in America after Jesus. Right, the one where Joseph Smith amends his version of the Bible anytime he feels like he wants to. And if you're Mormon out there, just so you know, you're the guy who founded your religion, went in and just changed the Bible

to fit what he wanted. So when he started to like want more wives, he just went in and was like, God talked to me last night and he says, I should marry this 13 year old. Like, and he just starts. And then the best part,

if you want to know all about how fucked up Mormonism is read, um, what's the one that Andrew Garfield was just in it's a John Krakauer. And they did a remake of it. It's like the banner of heaven under the banner of heaven. Yes. But the, the, the craziest part was so joseph smith always um said that everyone in mormonism gets to have a direct connection with god like you have a personal relationship with god you get to pray to him and talk to him and then people started getting their own kind of ideas of what god wanted for them and it was kind of people were dissenting and he

wasn't able to control him anymore. So one day he was like, by the way, God just let me know like he only is talking to me. He's like not talking to you guys anymore. And everyone was like, no, we're not actually buying that. And they didn't let him change that part. But he would just change things

as he wanted to fuck children. You know, God just told me he wanted me to have the last cupcake. Well, actually God just told me. Yeah. Well, God just told me we have to take a the last cupcake. Actually, God just told me. Yeah. Well, God just told me we have to take a break. And by God, I mean Noah. We'll be back after this to discuss a ton of other things,

but not treating spaces and definitely on yours wedding. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts All right, we're back.

Let's just get to it. Anya Marina is married. Yeah. We started this podcast with two people who were not married, and now a month later, they're both married. 50% of the people who were not married and now a month later they're both married 50% of the people here are now married that's crazy we're just doing it for ratings ratings have tripled we know married people get more wait is that true now we need to have a baby on the way like this is the things that happen on these sitcoms we need to trade spaces we have to kill

off a character i definitely definitely stopped watching The Office. And I know this is like criminal, but I didn't give a fuck about The Office after Jim and Pam got together. I think it's really fucked with my life. I don't care about things after people are together. You care about the anticipation. The eve of Ross and Rachel.

I don't want them to be together and to thrive and to have a baby with, you know, I want them to be like will they won't they and i think that's really affected my relationships in my life because if it's not like i don't know if he likes me as soon as he does i'm just like well this is boring this is season two of friends and emily's gone there's no more tension they're happy and i'm tired i'm bored i think that's the secret to a good relationship too my friend bob has been married a while and he said honestly the only thing keeping us together is that i am constantly afraid that my wife is going to leave me that doesn't wait

okay i don't think that's i want that that is That sounds like the best relationship I've ever heard. Yeah. He's not serious. He just probably thinks that he... Yeah. I mean, I think it's different for different people. She probably threatens to leave a lot. That's not good. I mean, I have been in both types of relationships and I can say definitively that my current relationship where I have no fear at all that the person's going to leave me while perhaps... I'm not watching your show perhaps yeah no one wants to watch that show but like bedrooms I feel I feel a lot better about my life overall because of that I'm joking I think it's terribly unhealthy to seek um something that well I feel like also though marriage a little languishy it can be but you got to figure out ways to to manufacture that feeling that you're i want entropy i want chaos

okay so anya you're married do you feel different first question no i don't feel different i thought i would people are like you guys were already living in sin together. Yeah, and we're very committed. I think you were having sex premaritally. And we had some conversations about how in this we were together a while ago. So I don't feel different, but I do feel, I mean, definitely there was a giddiness and a happiness that day. But it hasn't sunk, I don't feel the thing of like, oh my God, he's my husband. I don't know. Weddings and funerals are so similar. I thought, oh, I'm getting an Amazon package.

Is that? Listen, I'm staying in an Airbnb and the host is living next door. That's why I got to get the fuck out of here. That's why VRBO has those new ad campaigns. Where it's like, you'll never have to talk to anyone. You'll never have to see your host. Yeah. Just drop the package, lady. She's like, I'm outside the door. Shit, fuck. She looks like she's pretty well to talk to anyone. You'll never have to see your host. Yeah. Just drop the package, lady. She's like, outside the door.

Shit. Fuck. She looks like she's pretty well to do. Yeah. Well to do. Yeah. And fit.

Yeah. Yeah. I was commenting on her looks and you were like, no, she looks. But I mean, you were too. I said looks.

Yeah. You didn't say she looks smart. Okay. Yeah. Will you go get the door? Please, please, please. She's going to be like, let's take bets on how long

Nikki is staying in this Airbnb. I say you're out within 72 hours. Yeah, same. I think I definitely am. Hello. Oh, boy. Here we go. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Sorry, we're recording a podcast. Thank you so much. You're fine. You're fine. Thanks. I'm changing it to 48 hours. Three hours.

She seems very nice. I just got an Airbnb from my folks and I accident I brought my dog over to say hi to them and we were like

and I brought her inside for a second even though I knew pets weren't allowed but I like wiped her feet immediately and all of a sudden she starts barking

like a crazy person and I was like oh fuck shut up let's get out of here so I leave I have a message within half an hour from the host because the host lives upstairs. And it's like, if you thought that you were going to rent this Airbnb secretly and have a dog in there secretly, like you're wrong.

We will know because we live upstairs. And I was like, they said, if you saw it it like sarcastic like a little bit of accusatory it was it was like hey um we heard a dog barking today just let us know if you if you book this we were very clear though in our pet policy and like if you think that we're not gonna yeah there was something in there like we're gonna know if you have a dog and i was like they're surveillancing you easy i i'm like i was a super host I know the deal I would never try to pull one over on you I was visiting my mom and I had her in the house for one second I should have uh given you a heads up but uh is it okay if I bring her over and we just

stay in the backyard and she was like yeah yeah no problem but yeah there was a little bit of like isn't it so funny when people come at you like and you're nice to them and they're like, oh, it's totally fine. Yeah, she's like great. And then there's so much nicer. I do that all the time. I was such a bitch this weekend. Where was it?

There was a moment where I was so, oh, I was grumpy in an Uber. This guy like went to the wrong terminal and I go, I said one. Was it not because he asked me twice? And I go, I said, I go, I said one, right? Like you asked me twice and i go i said i go i said one right like you asked me twice this is clearly too like i was late and he was his car smelled like cigarettes and he was blasting music and it was just you can't get a good uber in st louis they're all shit there's no

uber black is shit and uber black is like four times the price of uber comfort and i don't know what comfort is the difference between comfort and x but there isn't one comfort they're not blowing the smoke in your face i guess but um and i and then he i felt bad immediately it like what was his response um sorry ma'am or something you know he called you ma'am yeah but i mean like i was being a ma'am like the tone i was using was so ma'am yeah i mean no it is not i always get ma'am i never get hon or the i was going through tsa recently and this guy got you know when they like wave you through the x-ray and he goes come on through um little lady and i was like yes i was like oh my god he thinks i'm a little lady and And I was like, yes! I was like, oh my God, he thinks I'm a little lady. Not bad.

And then I swear to God, he said it two seconds later and I turn around and it's an elderly woman. And I'm like, oh, that's just what he says to everyone.

He said it to me too. An elderly woman with a cane that he had to hold while she went through. It was terrible. Okay, so. Can I just quickly say

that I was quite charmed by that woman. She seems so nice. I was immediately charmed. The Amazon woman or your host? The host. The host brought the Amazon package. That just brought this Amazon package.

You think an Amazon delivery person is going to knock on the door and wait and say hi? They're good people. I was unclear. It sounded like that. They don't have time to do that. They're on a fucking timer

and they've got a catheter and they, they don't let those people schmooze and go, oh, you're podcasting and wave.

Yeah, I'm going to be out of here pretty soon. But, I got to find another spot. Anyway, wedding. Can we start at the dinner?

Yeah. Because Noah, you were there too, right? I was there too. The whole crew was there. Yeah, most of the crew.

All the girls were there. Sarah Lena, Taylor, and Kat was there for. The whole crew was there. Yeah. Most of the crew. All the girls were there. Sarah Lena, Taylor, and Kat was there for the most part. And yes. And Chris Convy. Yeah, me and Nikki.

Oh, Chris. Yeah. So we all flew into New York on Saturday. We had gone to Taylor Swift. Me, Kirsten, and my sister and Kat went to Taylor Swift

in Kansas City on Friday night. And then Kirsten and I and Taylor flew out or no, and then Taylor flew from St. Louis. We all landed in New York at the same time on Saturday. We went to lunch. And then that night we went to dinner. I got foot rubbed that day as well. And then we went to dinner and it was a lovely rehearsal, not rehearsal dinner, but rehearsal dinner. I mean, like, what's the difference between that and a rehearsal dinner because you were like this is not a rehearsal dinner what is there's no rehearsing done but i don't think there's ever rehearsing done at rehearsal dinners

i i'm not paying for it i think that's what it means i'm not i paid for half half if not most, but not all. Yeah, that was a lot. We got dope ass appetizers. I hate family style because I don't want someone else choosing my food. So I just picked a bunch of appetizers with Matt for people. And I wanted everybody else to figure out their entrees and their drinks and all that. And it was so much fun. It was beautiful.

It was at Greca in Tribeca, which is recommended by Sarah Lena. And it was so lovely. But it was packed. There were tons of people. And we got to just hang about. It was a little long for my taste. I started to get worried. There was a point when we all got there and everyone's just mingling.

We get there and everyone's standing up and like you know probably like 40 to 50 it's probably 50 people in a room and everyone's standing and talking and it's like you know people are just saying hi and then it's like 7 30 then it's 7 45 and our tummies are starting to grumble and it's like let's do this and wait hold on can i pause you right there because okay so we walked into the restaurant was very beautiful anya had her own section quartered off in the back the the rest i mean really nicely decorated and we're standing there and talking and nikki goes like did you guys think that we would be standing around talking to people or did you think it was a sit-down dinner and all the girls from girls chat we were like oh we thought we're gonna be sitting down for dinner because like all of us we were like kind of like we didn't really want to step outside our

comfort zone and go mingle oh yeah we were like how's your what's your guys's like feeling on mingling and we're all like we hate it yeah who likes me I go and I go who likes mingling it's like the time my sister was like I don't really want to go in that mosh pit because I don't I don't know like crowds like really like she was talking about something it wasn't a mosh pit but it was something that was very crowded and she was like i just don't like really crowded spaces where people are like right next and i go who would what are you talking about like no one actually likes that so mingling i can't imagine someone actually likes it you're a psychopath christian mingles yeah that's true that could be fun but i think

you're probably languishing over on that uh no i feel like i feel like it's the bride and groom's job to mingle which i did not do enough of but if you know i i was i liked looking over at you guys and you were just uh we were like all talking to each other and having fun and laughing and i was i was the one that sat first. I said, guys, I think we need to send a signal to everyone. If one table sits, the rest will get the note. And then guess what happened? Everyone else sits.

And I said, it's like shushing. You're like Rosa Parks. I felt that way. That's what people have said for years. Finally, someone said it. It's like the shushing. even did it i was like it's if you you can start something huge if you just do a little thing and so i started going and like it's amazing how everyone around you just starts quieting down and i was just doing it to test just

to prove my point how it's like a virus and it spreads so quickly yeah but um yeah everyone sat down and then we had the best time at that fucking table it was like it reminded me of like the cafeteria lunch crew like in high school but like when it was at its best and like it's it was just so much fun it was your wedding was similar like it's just a great if you're at a good table there's nothing more i love in the world than sitting down and eating and like sharing dips and like different salads and being like can i try yours and then and then getting to talk and laugh with all your friends it was so awesome our table was superb and um our table and yeah i was glad to see you anya like i got nervous you weren't you didn't visit

our table too much because i'm like we know you love us we know you want to come over here more than any of the other tables i know that at least i'm convincing myself of that i don't need you to like go do what you need to do i don't want you to have to work at all yeah yeah you guys were so cute it was i thought you were high high you came over and started laughing and you couldn't stop and it was like she was on pcp i couldn't love yeah she was probably was i was under so much oh i know what it was at some point matt told me nikki said that you look like my mom we were like sitting there i'm like wait what and he goes yeah nikki said you look like my mom and i'm like i have a long face your mom has a round face with these wide cheekbones we look nothing alike we are in similar height worlds and she's an elderly woman no offense and he's like i

know i don't think you look like my mama like there's no way she said that and he goes she did i thought it was funny too and i'm like that's weird and then later on we went over there maybe a minute later and i go matt said you look like uh matt said you said i look like his mom and you got so mad it started making me laugh when nikki said i looked like an elderly woman i'd fucking burn the place down like i was that is why i was like so offended but nikki was like what the fuck why would i ever she's like I did not say that I can't believe he thought that ever happened second I said you look like I said your mom looks like Matt's mom fuck I can't believe and I she started getting so heated and I started giggling it's the eve of your

wedding night you're supposed to feel the most beautiful and I'm telling you, you look like an old woman. No offense to Matt's mom. Beautiful old woman, but like I would not want to hear that I looked like Jane Fonda. I didn't take it that way. I thought you meant like similar features or something. I didn't get offended one second. Then I was offended. No.

I was offended at first on behalf of you that like you think that I would say, like I would infer that on your wedding night. It just felt like something a shitty person would kind of throw and be like, you kind of look like his mom, the way she looks now. It's just something that would-

A little jab. Yes. A Vanderpump jab. A Vanderpump jab. And so I felt offended that anyone would think I would do that. But then Matt said, we thought maybe that you

were joking and then I was super offended because I go what is funny about that? As a comic you're offended. I was like the fact that you should stop working for me Matt if you think that's the kind of joke that I make. There's nothing funny about it. How funny if you fired him

on our rehearsal wedding night. Obviously you think that I'm capable of that like yeah we shouldn't be working together if you think you shouldn't work for me yeah i'm like you should free yourself from this comedian who you're working for who makes jokes like this that's what i meant like you're working for someone who's not good at their job if like it'd be like if matt was like came over and sang a song and it was like i don't know i'm trying to think of someone who i i hate um that a bad singer like it sounded bad or something you know what i mean like it was an off-key song and i'm like what i work for you you're an artist and

this is what you just brought to me is yeah yeah even though who let the dogs out it's kind of a it's a it's a hit um best song with a whistle so then i lost my you were laughing not stop laughing and then i got angrier and then she's getting laughing more there's nothing worse than when you're like getting angry and then she's laughing and i was just like now i think you're laughing at my anger which is funny because no you're just misplaced and then um it's just you got so upset and i wasn't upset at all so it made me laugh i know and then i didn't feel like i was on drugs i felt bad that like i was so offended because i was just saying like i'm sorry when i'm matt's mom's age i'm gonna look away that i don't think women younger than me want to look no offense are we all in denial that none of us want to look old like are we all

pretending like i'm i know people are gonna be like this is so mean of nikki to say but it's like no one wants to look old but you know what you say you look just like your mom you know so your mom's like 30 or so years older than you but no one gets a little offended that's why i want plastic surgery yeah i get offended because my mom is older than me and i don't think there should be that much like i can i get what they're saying but if you'd pick an old woman that you're not you didn't come out of her vagina that's it seems like you just look old well it all got cleared up and we figured out what you actually meant well the funniest thing happened soon after that so noah do you want to start us off sure okay so we're all sitting at

the table and um all of a sudden it quiets down the music stops everyone turns to the main table where anya and matt are sitting and anya's sister comes up and she starts giving a speech about Anya and Matt very nice speech then a couple of friends stand up and give speeches and I think it was your friend Maria

oh she was doing a poem so she wanted to read you a poem so she starts to read you a poem now we're at the table. We're already like very, very giddy. We're quiet. We're listening. We're paying attention.

And as Maria starts to read you the poem, we start to hear this like lonely saxophone music. And at first I was like, wow, this restaurant has really great production. Like there's like a sound guy who put up this saxophone music for this poem but suddenly kirsten so she's kind of like at the head of the ship she's like the head of the table facing you all of a sudden i see yeah i see her like start vibrating it was this and she turns around and she is laughing but trying to hold it back. Then Sarah Lena catches it.

Then I catch it. Taylor catches it. Nikki catches it. Chris catches it. Kat catches it. And we can't figure out where the fuck it's coming from. It was so loud. I was looking around like a bird, like darting my head around.

Like, what the fuck is that? So you guys could hear it too. We thought it went with the speech. Like someone was trying to be like, this is a jazzy speech. Kind of like, this is spoken word poetry. Someone was trying to be like, this is a jazzy speech, kind of like this is spoken word poetry. It was about that loud that it would sound like background music to a speech.

So Taylor checks her phone. She's like, it's someone's phone. It's someone's phone. And the table next to us, they're like, oh, it's not our phone. It's not our phone. So then Kate Walsh, who I feel like she's kind of like the one who is helping you get through these two days kind of like just making sure things are in order

she comes over and she's like where the fuck is that music coming from and kirsten gets up she starts looking in the plants to see if there's a speaker there's a speaker in the plants like these little potted plants behind us. We're looking up in the curtains, like where is the secret speaker? Why is this music blaring? Then they get the staff involved. I see Kate go over to the manager and then the manager gets our waiter involved.

Shout out to Aiden, our waiter. Everyone's like talking about it. They're all out there just kind of like, I don't know, there's no speaker. And we are laughing so hard because people are trying to give these sincere speeches and they can't hear the jazz music because like they're in their own world she heard it in the middle of her poem she goes excuse me she said excuse me and i think she was she was looking in that direction and i'm like i know because i just

asked the restaurant to turn off the pa which i thought they did but then this fucking saxophone kept it would stop for a second and then it would start again. Well, it would stop because it would like, you know, it would just be a moment in the song where it would stop.

Yeah. It wasn't like it was turning on and off. It was just like, it would just get loud and it was like, we just couldn't find the source and we're freaking out. Did it at least go along

with the genre of poem? Yeah. Like it did. It fit. It wasn't like yeah well everyone at our table everyone at our table is just like vibrating taylor said that chris sounded like one of those dog toys that you step on we're just gonna like yes we hold back our laughter it's so rude because people are giving a speech and we are laughing so hard and everyone's quiet it's the jazz music and then it's our table everyone's quiet except the jazz music so you can hear that then our table is laughing if the people look over at us they think we're laughing at them like our whole table is just like

and we're covering our face so you could just see our tears and then anytime there's like a light moment in the speech and there's a joke we just kind of like let it all out and then yes oh yeah that's the thing like anytime there's a moment of levity but also anytime the saxophone would pick back up it would just recharge us all the time dying laughing and we couldn't find it and then probably three minutes later something like that like this is going on for a long time it was a change of speaker it was like yes way more than three minutes it yeah there it was a change of speaker and a change of song like it went into a new song and so then all of a sudden this girl that's sitting at the table right in

front of us goes oh it's my phone. She suddenly realizes it's her phone. Who's your friend? She had Spotify playing. My friend Rachel. She had a beautiful pink. She had pink hair and a cool headdress. I'll post a picture. What's it called when they wear those things at British funerals?

Fascinator. Oh, I've never. I don't know. You never heard that term? do you know what i'm talking about no no it sounds like a headband and then it has like a little thing coming off and it's almost like you're wearing like it's a thing you put on your head yeah it was like an origami swan with with gold she's a really cool uh chick and so she had yeah she is because if you if my spotify would have accidentally gone, it would have been like salt air.

It was like Taylor Swift, a hundred percent. Hers was like cool. John Coltrane. I'm like, you got so lucky that this wasn't like some conspiracy podcast that started playing like Rogan or dying fetus. Yeah.

Yeah. Pedophile podcast. So it was like the best case scenario but she was she was little i was so glad she wasn't totally embarrassed because it was i just kept telling her like it was the greatest gift you've ever given us because we were laughing so hard we'll never forget it we will and then so after that after we are all laughing about the jazz music and it's off then chris and i both get the same idea at the same time to pull it up and start it again at our table just to get people laughing again so the next speech goes starts happening and then chris and i start playing jazz music at the same time on our phones very quietly like just so our table could hear not to like actually

fuck with the thing anymore but just to get the giggles going again because we couldn't really hear the speeches that well because this is what people do at wedding speeches i'm so glad that anya and matt found each other and i'm just like i really love like they just they make points with the microphone they don't know how to work a mic yeah they which it's it is hard like even when you know my mom does my podcast she'll be like doing like this a lot you know it's just hard to remember to keep it here and we're professionals so we know that but it was like hard to hear the speeches so we were just deciding to like make jokes and so but it was so funny that chris he goes i'm doing the same thing it was like double saxophones like under the table and it's gonna be a thing that i

reference the rest of my life yeah like with when those i'm around those people i will start playing sad jazz music at like poignant times yes and i poignant is am i using that correctly what does poignant mean again sad it means sad yeah when things fall apart we all thought it meant like when something's special it's poignant it's a good point like it's like oh wow it's a strong point i thought but it I thought. But it's sad. Sad? Yes. I thought when you meant touching. No, they should change it. Yeah, touching. Or just like it really lands. That's really bad.

Wow. It's poignant. Do you have a sense of sadness or regret? Yes. It has sadness related to it. So if that didn't blow your mind. Okay, so then the speeches were lovely though. We did hear them.

I mean, the joke went on for like two seconds later, but then we were listening to the speeches and they were great. People tend to make speeches, like if you listen closely you'll find out a lot about the person people can't help but tell you something about themselves in their speeches so i was very aware of that when i was writing my um what was it called the officiating thing i was like don't make this about you at all try not to say anything about yourself because this isn't about you people like well you have to it's your perspective

sure so i don't fault anyone but i especially think that people like expect celebrities to be like this is my day i want to shine i'm the star so i was very cognizant of like don't even say your name don't say don't reference anything of like like, don't even say your name. Don't say, don't reference anything of like, like I said, we were on tour together. I didn't say it was my tour. Like I took out any reference that would be like,

Nikki thinks she's sweet because I think a lot of times that can happen on wedding speeches. To avoid the judgment, the silent judgment. Yes. Because everyone really does project stuff. My dad gave us during our wedding and it was like, I'm going to give you, I loved it, and everybody loved it, and it was beautiful. He loved it. It was basically his advice.

He gave advice about, because his father died when he was, before they got married, right before they got married, actually, he was wishing that he had had a dad give him some advice about marriage. And he's like, I've been married 55, you know, 56, 7 years, something like that. So I have a little bit of experience, which I'm going to give you the advice I wish my father had given me. And it was a great speech, but it, like, began. He's like, okay, to begin, regrets. And then he, like, lists a bunch of regrets. And then he lists a bunch of regrets. And then he's like, around five or seven years, you're going to get bored.

You might want to act out or stray. I'm like, here we go, Jer. All right. He said therapy. He said, go to therapy before you think you need it. Go to couples therapy. I thought that was good. And I'm not kidding you.

I looked around the room and everyone who was in like a committed long relationship was just like yes seven years stray it happens jare preach and everyone who's not married was just like giggling because it was just so real seven years into the marriage or seven years being together probably into the marriage yeah yeah yeah and then he did like a cute cool shakespeare quote that was something about like you're basically marrying like your mother your father your son like you become everything to the other person i can't really remember the point of that do you well it was in it was like um along with the point that he made where it's like your relationship is you it's Matt and then

there's it's the third which is the relationship itself I thought was oh yeah and guard it like a Fabergé egg like the really when you're when you're in a fight and you were threatening to leave you're like you're damaging the relationship I love that it's not just like the thing about it's like a baby or something? Maybe my friend Kate Fenner. Someone was talking about how a marriage is like a newborn baby and you have to be so delicate with it. I think it was maybe your dad. Maybe it was my dad.

It was something about like it's an infant. It's a newborn. Like you don't shake it. Don't like soft tones around it. Like you have to be. I thought that was a very interesting point. Poignant because it was a little sad. Like,

Oh God, now we, we don't even have a baby. Now we have to, we have one. And, um, but it,

it is weird with weddings. Like I was thinking, I was like, if you don't get married, you never get to hear all these nice things about you. Like it's all stuff that we would have said at your funeral. No offense, not offense, but like not to be bleak or like not to be um depressing but every speech even when um so the girls chat the girls were too like nervous to give speeches i didn't even want to give one

either i was so glad i officiated because i just get so nervous about being so sincere so i was glad that that kind of took the place of a speech i would give because it would have been too much for me and all the people speaking had known me forever like all my russian girlfriends that i've known from like the age of two on which i felt like we had more on them like yeah i mean i wouldn't have stopped because i'm like oh they've known her since she was two i'm like well they don't talk to her literally every day for the past 10 years so that didn't intimidate me but a little possessive and jealous too like that's like but i'm so glad you think i know you guys did end up doing speeches because my girlfriends will be like people that would have known me the longest would all of a sudden

out of nowhere these peace and love hippie girls would be like and i know they're listening they'd be like and we love on you so much and matt if you ever fuck with if if she one of my friends goes if she sheds one tear i will cut you i'm like what the fuck is happening i didn't hear that oh you didn't they all one after the other were like and we love her so much you're really lucky which i don't i don't love that one kate what i think kate um not your other friend Kate, not Kate Walsh. Kate Fenner. I loved her. I loved the Kate's poems. Kate Walsh and Kate Fenner were so good.

And I loved your sister's speech. I know, that was so sweet. I mean, it really was like these speeches, I love them because they do, I do like the fact that people put personalized stuff in and they do kind of, quote unquote, make it about themselves. That's not a judgment. It's more like you get to hear you get to see people's emotional

states regarding like and how much anya means to them and like how but it's there's something about it where you you just get i can see i can like psychoanalyze people through their wedding speech well you can talk about yourself in relation to the bride and groom yes that's you can do that as much as you want okay yes yes you don't you don't want to be like well um you know when when i get married or something like that you want to be like when i first met this person or i think it's just a little i guess i feel i'm again projecting so i was like if i if my worst version of myself gives a speech i just want to prove to everyone how much i know this person and how much i love her more than you guys and how much she loves me more than you guys and so i think i look for any sign of that in speeches and i kind of

roll my eyes because it's my worst version of myself that i really want to prove how much more than all of you yes yes brian did you have that at your wedding where because when you allow other people to make speeches you you sort of surrender control. Was there any part of you that was afraid of stuff people would say? Yes. I brought my two speeches. I brought them aside and had a little seminar the day before about what they can't say. Oh, that's so smart.

And they said, we're not going to say any of that. Are you nuts? On your wedding day, you think we're going to say that about you? And they didn't. But yeah. The speeches were great. I really wasn't worried. I was kind of just half joking.

It was just like in my persona to be like, hey, here's what you can't say. But also, please don't say anything like that. We got to go to break, but I want to hear Anya, you answer that question. Things you wish you would have told people not to say or not to do. If someone is listening and getting married, what you think people should tell people before speeches

or like, let's just talk about regrets of your wedding. Things you would have done differently. Things you're glad you did the way you did them. All of that and more when we get back. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show. you're glad you did the way you did them in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts okay Anya um is there anything you wish you would have told people before they give speeches or like did you feel a sense of lack of control all those things when it was i mean after the fact

you hear things that you're like what what happened like someone was telling me that someone was like networking at you know there were a couple celebrities at the wedding and someone had asked me prior to like do you mind if my daughter is a really big fan of Kate Walsh's show, I forgot what it was, Umbrella Academy or Emily in Paris. Can I get a selfie? And I was like, you know, it's really sweet. And Kate can certainly handle herself. And so can Nikki. But I would love them to just enjoy the day.

I don't think selfies are a big deal. It's just odd, but I don't wish I had said anything. I think that was a nice thing to tell the person. I was like, I'd rather they just enjoy the day and let them hang out, and if you want to do that, maybe later. I'm so glad you told all those people who wanted selfies with me.

No one asked the whole day. You had a lot of special day of fans there a lot of best people are obsessed with you they're trying to play it cool so many people came up to me and were like i'm not talking to nikki because i'm just feeling like i'm gonna like fangirl out so i'm just leaving them alone no so many people that same thing happened at my wedding it's interesting we both had that same experience. But yeah, it's interesting how people come up to you and be like, what should I do?

Am I going to fuck it up? I'm always like, do these people, if you listen to the podcast, please know that I always want to be bothered. And I want it quick. I don't need a 20-minute conversation with you, especially if I'm with my friends. But I never don't want you to get a selfie and to just have like a two minute conversation. Like,

and I'm just doing that for you. Two minutes is like benefit for you too. Like you don't want to talk to me longer than that. It's going to ruin the illusion. Always, always approach me no matter what. Even if you see me crying hysterically and like I'm breaking up with my boyfriend on the street,

approach me. I owe it. That's why i did this for a living i like attention i like people who like me i like to for my friends and family to witness people like me to work on your next special here's my resume no don't ever do that no that's not the way you get jobs it's never gonna work that way but um but if you want a selfie is always fun and i hope you always approach me no matter what the event is i always want it what i told my friends was um nikki loves people going up to her and and asking but the key is you go you go up to her you get the picture the most important part is then you leave yes yes don't linger and let your interaction with nikki languish just walk away at the end of it you don't have to say

anything you could just walk away silently it'll be fine and sometimes i'll keep you there like i don't know but but also this doesn't happen to me that often but it always makes me very sad when people miss an opportunity because they don't want to bother me when i could have gotten something from that as well as obviously you getting something from it if you wanted to talk to me so don't and and also just don't pass up on those opportunities in life ever with or without me like if something matters to you if someone has moved you or like you enjoy their work we all want to hear it it's so rare i think we all get in our heads that celebrities don't want to hear it because we only hear the bad stories because the good stories aren't that interesting oh i got a selfie and he was pleasant the bad stories move you know we spread them around and like that's

all what is that there's some like law of like the that you that bad news spreads fast or there's some law of like you know you only hear the bad stuff but um it's that's so rare that it happens that way so always just quick drive by compliment love your work one of the best things i heard all night was the caterers came up to me and they were like your guests and your friends are so fucking cool and so nice like i could tell they're not used to working in oh they loved us. I'm sorry. I think that was

from our group. Yeah, that was from our group. I'm sure the rest of you, they're all nice. But we were interacting with them a lot and they saved the day for us. And we kind of brought them

in for us because something happened that I can't even believe. So we're in Kate Walsh's beautiful, perfect, beautiful jewel box of an apartment. Immaculately jewel box of an apartment

final thought final thought i haven't even talked about your officiating oh my god it's still tomorrow yes there's still tomorrow i'm so yeah there's gold wallpaper along the the she has what is it feelings gold leaf look at the ceiling. I didn't even look at the ceiling. She has Gucci wallpaper in her bathroom. Oh, shit. Everything is perfect. She has incredible taste in art. She has crystal. Yes.

It's like so pretty. It smells good. And it's cozy. All the furniture is exquisite. What does it smell like? Her boyfriend perfume. Pick it up at kwalsh.net. No, I don't know.

No, it's just everything is immaculate. I can't believe she let so many people walk around with shoes on in her apartment and just sit and doesn't give a fuck so she has these beautifully like white couches um that we're sitting on after the it was it was like champagne velvet yeah the couches good good call champagne velvet couch and there's there's red wine being drank yeah it's dangerous everywhere and she's couldn't be more chill she's not like i didn't i didn't see kate walsh give a fuck at all the whole time she's so nice she's such a good friend to anya anya me and kate were like backstage in kate's room my favorite moment of the whole wedding

yeah it was so fun us three but she was like so supportive of anya i'm still touching up my makeup she's like doing anything and i'm like i could use and she's like i'm not asking you um it's like is my winged eyeliner no she was just like such a good friend to anya she's so sweet and it's also happening all at her house and she couldn't be more chill so after the after the ceremony we're all eating and hanging out in her living room and there's tons of people around but we're sitting down and on or noah and kirsten are doing a bit that i put on our instagram and this was happening this happened while that bit was happening yes i just need to give a quick origin story of

influencer so we were um we went to go get coffee and matcha for breakfast and we're sitting outside in the West Village. And on the corner, we see influencers. We see this woman influencing on the corner and she's got a light guy. She's currently influencing. People are just like, what are you up to? Can I do that? She's got a light guy and she's got a camera guy, right?

So then of course, Kirsten gets up and tries to mimic the influence. And as this is happening, I'm just like whispering into Kirsten gets up and tries to like mimic the influence and as this is happening i'm just like whispering into kirsten's ear i'm like influence influence influence influence it's happening influence so kirsten gets up she influences then we sit down we laugh we look over to the corner and everyone is hunched over all the influencers hunched over on their phone just looking to see how that's my influenced thing it's like every video you see of a girl looking hot on instagram or just someone doing something quirky know that seconds later

they are hunched over in the worst position for their bodies like gargoyles looking at their phone and like analyzing it and look and having their stomachs out like everything's not tight anymore things are loose. Anything they were just projecting, it is wiped away. Just always picture that whenever you're picturing perfection because it always happens, the hunch over and the analysis of it.

And so then what happened? Okay, so then we were just doing that all day, just coming up with stupid influencer rhymes. And we were at Anya's wedding sitting together. And of course, you you know the phones come out so we're like oh let's do these like influence bits which is what Nikki posted on our on our Instagram

page okay do you want to continue on the story well what's the what's the thing it's like influencer influencer what you're gonna do influencer influencer they're watching you and then like do something influential and they would just be like sexual with each other when they're watching you and then like do something influential and they would just be like sexual with each other when they're saying it influencer influencer so we're i was

trying to film them doing this and get it perfect and then um kirsten's like oh i have an actual better idea and she scoots up on the couch and behind her i see no go and i put my hand down she goes to put her hand down to cover it. Kirsten has bled through her dress. What? Fresh period blood stained on Kate's perfect velvet champagne towel. Earlier in the night, in the day, she had a premonition that that was going to happen. Really? Yes.

Yes. That was the whole thing. She had a premonition. A premonition? Because she started her period. She started her period. It'smonition she's on her period it's not like she's fucking psychic it's like oh my god i didn't put a tampon in or i can't i can't tell you the last time i bled through onto it like it doesn't happen that often i think men

think we're just bleeding everywhere it does not happen yes you bleed through to your underwear but and kirsten's wearing a light dress so and i'm not wearing dresses that often so maybe it would be like it would happen more often but i think it went through her dress she wasn't just sitting on the couch well her dress was really short so probably she was just sitting on the couch with her underwear all right and you made a good point about tampons because she did have a tampon in yeah it doesn't matter if your tampon is freshly in. Those tampons, sometimes they just find a fast track

and there's like a little river. You'll pull the tampon. What? The hoveling. It'll be like the carpool lane. Totally. So it'll be a perfectly white tampon, but there's,

you'll pull it out because you're bleeding all over your fucking pants. You're like, I just put this in and there it will find a little track, a little fucking mole

will find a stream and it will go fucking mole will find a stream and it will go in it. The levee will break and it's ruined everything. Wow. So she leaves a stain and we're all like, how big is this stain? Yeah. Like a quarter. Okay.

No, it was bigger than that. It was? It was like this big. I don't know. This is like one and a half, two inches. It's the size of a date. Yeah. Yeah.

So a big blood stain on Kate's white white velvet and so we're like oh my god and so noah's covering it noah's touching it um i kirsten and i are blood sisters now because i got her blood all over my hands oh wow so then um i who runs to the kitchen me okay you're into the kitchen i tell the girls that are the the caterers i'm like amazing women love your crab cakes and so i was like we have uh did you tell them it was blood oh yeah yeah oh i was like because girls just like it's we're not like and i would say to a guy i think there should be no shame in the fact that we're bleeding from our vaginas once a month like we can't help it we shouldn't be ashamed of it like it's not something we chose like we can't help that we can't find a way to plug it up and sometimes it's heavy and we and there's no like nerves down there to know what the flow is you just have to like find out when it

flows out there's no way men might think that we like know when it's heavy when it's not you only know based on what you see in your under like when it's heavy when it's not you only know based on what you see in your under like when you pull it out you can't you can't feel it gushing there's not a knob to turn you can't turn it off so no shame so i walk in i'm like there's blood on the couch and everyone's like and so they quickly get some club soda and we're dabbing it and then they get some saline solution like contact solution as a drive-by with saline so we are okay so we have this like wet tissue and and the the chef she goes just put just use a lot of water use a lot of water so taylor and i are holding this wet tissue that's like now absorbing the blood it's

like blood is like running down our hands and stuff and we're we're pumping it we're doing like cpr on the couch to try to like yeah it's like it's like logan roy in the plane they're just like pumping over and over uh non-stop tom wamsgans is in the background yeah tom wamsgans on the phone yeah do you want to say goodbye to your period blood and we're being very discreet like they're you know we're kind of like huddled around it and we're being very discreet and a miracle happens the pumping works. Like everything just kind of comes up into the tissue. You can't,

she wouldn't be able to find the stain if she looked totally amazing, totally evaporated. But I also was like, Kate, if she came in, she'd be like, Oh, no big deal. Like she's just so cool.

Kate would be like, I bled on the ottoman. Like that. Yes. Girl, don't even worry about it.. And thank God for people like that. Yes. Girl, don't even worry about it, doll. It's not a big deal. She's just so chill. And thank God for people like that.

Now she does. She can now. Kirsten said it was okay because it came up. I don't think she'll be able to find it or see it. Honestly, she'd be like, gal, it happens.

Listen. She doesn't care. She'd have a story to trump that with something she bled on. Yeah, we posted a photo, Anya, and you didn't even see it. You liked my photo and said how beautiful we were. Oh, yeah. We were like presenting it.

We were like, we'll put our hands next to it, around it. I'm scared. That's awesome. I love this. What a success story. Yeah, but it doesn't happen often that you bleed on something but of course the time it does it's on a perfectly near white couch in a celebrity's apartment

on a wedding day can I just say Nikki that the greatest gift of my wedding day which truly was Brian like you said the best day of my life was hearing my now husband's vows which I'd never heard him say

some of these things before. Like the night he met me, I was so, he thought, who is this pretty, oh my God, I would have killed him. Small, strong girl

or whatever he said. I've never heard so many people say you're small. Like I was like, did she give a note? I'm like, if I get married and someone doesn't say I'm small,

I'm going to fucking cry because every, he killed me. He never has said I'm like, if I get married and someone doesn't say I'm small, I'm going to fucking cry. Pretty on your wedding day. He never has said he thought I was pretty. He said tiny. He said tiny and small twice. But for me, pretty was so important because I get cute. And also, I've begged him to tell me what he thought of me the night we met. And pretty has never come up.

Like, maybe hot, which is very nice. But there's something about being pretty. Hot does not hit for some reason as much as pretty does yes agreed agreed why is that nice it's just like keep that in mind you thought it was pretty yes stunning is a great word too hot can sound like um i'm just trying to bang you exactly which he i just want to say two couch cushions placed together can be hot to you guys at a certain time of day. You know? But pretty means you want to marry it. Kind of.

Nikki, all I was thinking as I was dying laughing and tearing up while you officiated was, I am so lucky that this woman is my best friend, that she knows my husband so well, that she's witnessed this relationship from the inception, from the night I met Matt. And I texted her, I have a visitor. And I saw his shoes in the hallway. Yeah, to this day. I didn't meet him.

But you were so, you hit every note. The writing was so funny and so incredible. And I have it here in front of me because you gave it to me and you the girls chat blessed it by kissing the last page with all these lip marks but it was just my lips look like a dirty pussy you're such oh my god noah like put her chin on it she there's a chin print on there you gotta languish that pussy there's some some period blood on there yeah we could have but i think it was pre-period blood. Can I just read my favorite line? Yeah.

Welcome, everyone. Today we're gathered here together to witness and celebrate the marriage of Anya Marina and Matt Fond. We also get to go back home and tell people we were in Kate Walsh's backyard. That was the best. I died. I was like, oh, this is going to be good. It was on everyone's mind. I nailed it it was so

so good I mean so many hilarious moments so many great little inside jokes but it was I mean I could go on

if you want no it was really it was it was a lot of pressure because it was just like I don't want to make it about me everyone's gonna expect to be funny

but it can't be too funny because it's a it's a what my previous definition of poignant i felt like it was a poignant moment before i knew that was about sad i think like you can't make it too funny it's just like this note you have to hit of like i don't like being too sincere because then i start to feel like it's like a funeral and i also i'm just like i it was just a lot of pressure so i looked up this is the perfect thing to do if you ever want to get do anything that you're out of your comfort zone look up an example of something sure and then make it your own so i just like stole ones that were pre-written and then put my own shit into it mad lip style it is all original don't listen

to whatever she just said it is all original incredible content that was so perfectly said and so you and it was i i just felt so touched like the crowd i have never you were so many compliments about something in my life yeah yeah i'm not kidding you we were made me go where has this been If I did not do comedy for a living, I would have thought this was a moment that would have changed my life. If like the amount of people that, I'm not kidding you. You could be a full-time officiant.

I've done four specials. I've done six tonight shows. I've done so many big fucking things. And I've never once gotten this many compliments about something afterwards that were sincere. Now I know all the compliments I've gotten in the past were insincere because these were like, oh my God, like people wanted my autograph.

It was like the most I've ever, the most love I've ever gotten for something. And I wrote it that morning. And I hate you. You wrote it that morning. I labored over my vows and you fucking knocked it. You're such a great writer. Well, I did a rough draft the night before. And then the next night when we were at your rehearsal dinner i

was asked the table like for some advice and we came up with um some good no one you gave me something right um you didn't use mine but you use one of taylor's which was like at the end i forgot what it was well that was my idea and she wrote the joke so i okay i just want to be clear but she did come up with the joke so my idea was like you know how the power vested in me by whatever so i said the power vested in me by instantofficiator.net and so but taylor wrote instantofficiator.net but i was like i need to come up with a funny website yes yes and she came up with that so i do want to give her credit but it was you know i love co-writers i loved as anya's roommate and friend i was front seat for matt and anya's courtship which was love at first sight for anya and that came from me yes that

we talked about that was the night before where i was like guys i need to come up with some stuff i was like so it was love at first sight for anya and they go use that i was like i wasn't even being funny but then i realized yeah oh what no well i didn't want to be mean to you by like saying like matt didn't like you at first and so i needed to make something to like give you the the the the place of power where like in the beginning of the relationship anya was fully in matt was not but then i needed to change it where like in the beginning of the relationship Anya was fully in Matt was not but then I needed to change it where like now Matt's fully and I was like where's an example of that and I'm like oh it's like their music like Anya's if and I said for those of you who like don't know like a lot of the speeches reference their like rocky start and and also

I was referencing it as well and I go for those of you don't understand like what we're talking about, if you weren't around for that, you can find an example in Anya's, you can hear about the beginning of the relationship in Anya's album, Paper Planes. Oh yeah, 2016 album, Paper Plane. And that she was to hear where they're currently at. Currently, check out.

No, no, no. I said particularly the songs, not mine. What's the other one? shut up and shut up and then i was like to hear where they're currently at just check out matt's entire the natural lines entire album he's fucking obsessed with her so it was kind of like it made it like now anya's like the cool one and matt's kind of the one that's like to head over heels so it it balanced it out but it is true like this guy cannot write a song without being like professing his love his music video what's the one where he drew the it's the cartoon that is an amazing uh song um it's so good um hold on oh fuck i can't remember it it's okay it has a weird title again

anya's half we got her foot half out of this relationship. But there's this one song that she sent us the video to and she's like, Matt has a new video out today, you guys. You should check it out on the girl's chat. And I'm like, what the fuck is this?

It is a music video where- A scene that will never die. You have to watch the video for a scene that will never die. A guy loves a girl. And if you want to see what you deserve in a relationship and how much a man should love

you watch a scene that will never die and then be mad at your husband all day because he'll never feel that way about you he'll never write anything as as amazing as that like it depressed me so much after i watched that music video i was just like no one will ever feel this way about me and no one will certainly ever put it to an animation where a little dog is carrying a string that leads to me or whatever the fuck yeah and i just came to the girl's story oh he's got a little dog is carrying a string that leads to me or whatever the fuck yeah and i just came to the girl story oh he's got a new he's got a new thing out you guys check it out i'm like oh you mean the nicest thing the most sweet thing i've ever heard my life nicky was there when i was playing la and we were there together i was at hotel cafe and i hadn't

heard from matt in eight weeks and all of a sudden he texted me. Do you want to go camping? While I was on stage performing. And I told the crowd, I'm obsessed with being a musician. I'm obsessed with you guys. And this is the most fun career of my life ever. But the best moment of my life just happened. Because this guy that I just wrote that song that you heard about just texted me.

And I've been dying for this text. And so Matt and I got together after that. And I've been dying for this text and so Matt and Matt and I got together after that and have been together ever since but that story I told him he wrote a song about it and then the animated video shows that happening like me on stage and then him asking me camping and us ending up together and I I remember when you said that to the crowd I knew exactly who you're talking about and I was like stay the fuck away from i was so mad really because i was sick of this guy coming in and out of your life and i thought it was one more round of this she's gonna go into a deep depressive hole yeah i was like fuck get away from her but if you are

listening it happened exactly eight weeks like the book says 6.5 6.5 6.5 weeks but the book says to wait six point five after you tell a guy the book being getting to i do and also i wanted to put in a reference to getting to i do in the speech so badly i was so glad you didn't he doesn't know i know but he wouldn't have known it was a way for me me to get you to go look at me like this but he wouldn't have known because it would have been so seamless of like and now you guys are getting to i do like i was going to do something like that but anyway it would never have been like the book Getting to I Do by Pat. I would have never said that.

It was just going to be an inside joke with you and Noah. But the book Getting to I Do is the book that Anya read. And what you do is you give a guy an ultimatum of like, I want this, this, this in our relationship. What is it? Continuity, exclusivity, and longevity. Oh, that's what you wanted to do in the speech. Yes, I wanted to reference that too. But i thought you might not remember those three things and then you tell

the guy that's what i want and if you can't give it and i love you and if you can't give it to me then um i gotta go and then you leave and you wait eight weeks without any contact he can't have any of you like don't let him see you on instagram or anything because it will it will keep him thinking that you're still in his life and And then he will start to feel the withdrawal. And it takes eight weeks before they actually are gone forever. And if you wait eight weeks, then let them go. But give them eight weeks

because it takes that long for a man to like start missing you. And it was six and a half weeks and then boom. Not that it's that important, but I didn't give him the ultimatum. I just told him finally, after knowing him for like six years, I don't want to do

this casual thing anymore i'm like too in love with you to do that that's all i had to say that's what yeah okay that and then he came back and then i had to do a little more retooling but that really worked and that i'm just saying that for any girl who's listening was that's all it sounds very simple but it was the hardest thing i ever had to do because it was so vulnerable to say how i actually felt about him and i'd always been taught like never tell a guy you love him but then i learned no you can it's actually more vulnerable than everything you've been doing up until now which is like giving him everything you've got except yes yeah that's true and to not talk to them after that and to not keep like watching

their instagram stories so your name pops up you helped me so much with that you have helped me like write breakup speech emails to matt one time i was so shattered nikki's like give me your phone just give it to me and she wrote a whole thing and goes look at this reread it how is it i'm like that's actually great and then she just hit send and i that was like six months that i didn't talk to him and that was an important email all it's all snowballed to this oh god we were seeing an empire diner i was shattered over shishito peppers i'm just so glad that it all worked out and it's just goes to show that someone that I, I'm sorry if Matt is listening.

I don't think he is. But I had zero faith in you. I hated you. I literally, I hated, I didn't know him, so I couldn't hate him. But I hated what he was able to make. It was like my friend was a heroin addict. And when he would come in her life,

she would just like, it would ruin her. Like if you have a girlfriend that's going through a similar thing where it's like anytime a guy comes back in, was a heroin addict and when he would come in her life she would just like it would ruin her like if you have a girlfriend that's going through a similar thing where it's like anytime a guy comes back in you're like bye friend i won't see you for a bit because every conversation we have will be about this guy who is giving you nothing and you're giving him everything and you're trudging through the snow to bring him food and you're risking your like it was just and this guy who i had given up it just this gives me so much faith in people because they can't, people can change

or people can find the best parts of themselves. He was always this person because he is one of my favorite people of all time and just never give up hope. People can change, but you need to tell your friend to get the book, Getting To I Do, if you have a friend like this. That's a really great way to put it.

Poignant. That people, not that people not that people poignant not that people can change but that people can discover a part of them that was missed that was there the whole time yeah like whenever i feel like i've been in a relationship where i'm like this is not what i want and i want a man that's gonna i want this kind of man and i'm waiting for that guy i'm always like and it could be you it is you yeah but that guy's not you yet like you're not, you need to. It's gotta be in there.

Because I'm not the me that I need to be yet. Yes. I'm starting to be by putting my foot down about like the person I want to be doesn't accept this stuff. So maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm going to start trying to live like the person I want to be.

And you said you used to manifest, Anya, by thinking about like, how do I want to feel in the relationship? And like like what do I want a man to say to me and you used to like say to yourself the things that Matt now says to you yeah you're small and pretty and I love your family oh that's the coolest thing he said in his vows was uh when I met you we got along so well and we laughed and it was just like so perfect the night we met and I and it was so easy which is why I knew we couldn't be together like he had it explained why he wasn't available he just didn't have anything to offer me at that point but that got a laugh

out of everybody and then I love that he's like forever just took a while that killed me too there were so many lines it was he was his was amazing and i love that he was like i need to go first because i can't follow anya i'm like i know you're a you've got a sleeper speech there that is going to be so good you're a fucking poet poet like yeah it was perfect it's going to be amazing it was such a great wedding um best day ever we'll have more stories from it when we come back tomorrow. I hope you'll join us. Thank you for coming all this way, Brian. We got to get to set.

Thank you, Noah. Thank you, Anya. We'll be here tomorrow. Don't be cut and just use club soda to get period. And a little bit of saline solution. And it works. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.