The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #36 Drop It, Airplane Mode (A Make Up Podcast)

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

Between You & Nikki, she got the message regarding her tone, which turned out to be the stress she felt having to perform in front of a major name in comedy. Both Nikki and Andrew slept great because they made up in the car. Andrew reports about apps that drain your phone battery, a brave 11 year old and Tim Tebow in You Heard It Here First. They sort through bestie messages in Listener Mail and in the Final Thought, they discuss Nikki's latest date. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my dog. He was like, I'll take you to the top,

I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hey, guys. It's Nikki Glaser. This is the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Thank you for listening, besties.

That's what we call our listeners. Because legit, I talk to, on this podcast, like I talk to my best friends. If anything, I talk more openly on this. So, hi, besties. Hey, anyone who's a new listener. Hey, anyone who listened to yesterday's show and is still on board,

even though I was in a little bit of a cunty mood yesterday want to address it off the top got a comment on um a picture that andrew posted that i uh she said please all i saw was please don't block me nikki and i go what is this gonna be and it was like i you know what did she say hold on let me pull it up because i definitely want to address it listen this is what happens when you have a daily podcast to everyone listening like some days I'm going to be um a little in a bad mood because I do a daily podcast and I can't just go like you know phone it in sometimes and I don't think you'd want me to and so you might see a side of me that you're like I don't like this side of

Nikki but I think that's the freedom of this podcast is that I can show that to you and much like my best friends I can see ugly sides of them and be like okay this is a multi-faceted person it's not just the two-dimensional person I one-dimensional person I see on Instagram and you know with that comes I might disappoint you guys so I disappointed a fan and I probably disappointed many I disappointed myself myself yesterday, to be honest with you. I really don't want to bring a toad to the show. But sometimes, you know, when you get in a toad and you just can't get out of it, when you're stuck in a toad and you can't get out of that's not the U2 song, but it's something like it.

So someone wrote Andrew posted a picture of me at the airport today sleeping like a homeless person. And that is not derogatory uh i love the homeless people i watch um i really recommend um invisible people on youtube it's a youtube channel where you just watch homeless people being interviewed and i pull it up i would say once a month and just go last night i went through a wormhole it's called invisible people has one it has millions of followers i think and it's just like people that you just find you see a image of someone and then this guy interviews them for 10 minutes and you just learn how they became homeless it's really

it's really good unless you're willing to talk to homeless people yourself it's really good to watch these people's stories so you can empathize that being said I did look like a homeless person in this photo which by the way I could be a homeless person in this photo, which by the way, I could be a homeless person. We are all very, you know, people that end up homeless. It's not because they aren't trying or because they're bad people or drug. I mean, sometimes it is because they're drug addicts, but no one wants to be homeless. I'll tell you that. So let's practice empathy there, even though it's hard sometimes where you're like, oh, that guy's so annoying and screaming. It's's like he doesn't want the voices in his head to be there he didn't choose for to feel like he's jesus or whatever the hell he's screaming about um so someone commented on this photo let me see um it was from abigail hope scott um abigail hope this uh comment isn't too mean

is what i felt when i read it. Please don't block me, but please be nicer to Andrew for exclamation points. This last app was really off. Oh boy, there's nothing worse than being described as off. Like I, that got me, Abigail. You got me, girl. You got my attention. My ears perked up. I want to make you happy. And it felt totally unnecessary to critique him right before you go on two major podcasts. How is that going to help? Girl, you are fucking right. Criticism doesn't help anyone. There's like studies after studies that show that people do not do better when you admonish

them. They only positive reinforcement works. I know this. I'm a smart woman, Abigail. I just was in a bad mood. And I think I was I was I was underslept this week there's no excuse I hate that I'm making butts but uh truly my mood got the best of me and it took away my ability to uh be a good friend and it happens sometimes uh just like you know when you drink and you turn into a monster sleep

deprivation makes me a monster and it's there's excuse. I just have to sleep better to be a better friend. She said, sorry, just made me sad after you shared how being heckled impacted you the other day, right? It kind of felt like as a listener, it kind of felt like that as a listener. And if I did that to my best friend, I'd feel terrible, sad face. Just think before you cut someone down for zero reason i will say abigail it wasn't for zero reason but uh you're absolutely right and i just want to say that um this was not a great text to or a comment to pop up when andrew and i had just landed in st louis and gotten in the car and it's awkward because like he's i don't think he's listening but like we see the comments on our separate phones and when there's one like this that's addressing something that i did or he did we know we both

saw it but we don't want to talk about it the thing about this one is we took care of it right after like i i got done with the podcast i was like if it were up to me i'd record another one because i saw what a uh pissy bitch I was the whole time. Although I was glad I talked about molestation. I got some messages from people being like, hunting warhead. Thank you for talking about that. People need to know. So I'm not sad about that. But yesterday's wasn't the best pod. That's going to happen here sometimes. I always will give it my all, but that was my all yesterday. We got in the car yesterday, almost right after the podcast, Andrew and I to go over to Tom Segura's and Christina Pazitsky's studio to do Your Mom's House, which was a great

episode. You guys are going to love it. So fun. We talked about some real stuff. We just did silly stuff. I can't wait for you guys to watch it and listen. But on the way there, I go, listen, dude, I don't know what the fuck that was. And to be honest with you, and I tell him this again but I he already knows I said I was thinking about it I'm like why do I have to critique Andrew

at all when if you gave me the option to do podcasts alone or with someone I would always choose to do podcasts appear on other podcasts do my own podcast with you and so I said Andrew I go you make me better you always make me better even if you're your worst version of yourself you it's still better than me alone like I like doing things with you so the fact that I judged you was I don't know where it came from to be honest I wish I could trace it I think it was me feeling uh you know like I think it was me kind of getting on my high horse being like, you're I'm bringing you I got you these gigs, you need to take a backseat. So just any kind of, I need to call the shots and say how you should behave. And it wasn't cool. And I acknowledge

that. I love my besties. I love the fans for sticking up for Andrew, for keeping me accountable for those things. And I will always, I don't mind the comments. I would prefer a DM to me so that Andrew doesn't have to see it. And then it's just awkward, but I'll still allow it, Abigail. I actually appreciate you. And I love what a lucky friend you are. If you would never talk like a friend to that, like that to a friend, you're a good person. And I might go back and listen to it so I can hear my tone. Because sometimes when you're in those moments,

you don't know what you sound like. And that's what I do like about this podcast is that I feel so conversational, so natural. I'm holding nothing back. That when I do listen to things or when I have people give me feedback It's feedback based on my real self. So I love you guys. Thank you for sticking with me on days where I might be a little hormonal I'll always cop to it if i'm called on it or at least say you're wrong and i'm right and then apologize even later

But you know, sometimes you just can't apologize in the moment know what do you ever feel have you ever heard yourself like you were saying that you went back and looked at some old texts between you and an ex-boyfriend and seeing the way that you had talked even in texts like let's leave out tone is humiliating and that's one thing about watching myself when i watch myself on the mtv awards Awards movie and TV Awards unscripted. I always lose my breath saying that title. I go, you know what? That's a perform.

That's me performing. But hearing myself just naturally, it's it really is painful. Sometimes it's hard to hear your own voice. Noah, what thoughts? It's terrible. What did you see about yourself in those texts that you're like oh my god well i i realized that i was not empathetic at all and that um instead of speaking about my feelings i did the thing where i point and blame someone else for my feelings instead of just

saying like oh this stuff makes me feel this way okay let. Let me frame, let me frame. Maybe I can get at why I, I had, I was mean to Andrew yesterday. I felt like telling Andrew how he should behave on these podcasts because I wanted him to be as good as he is on ours. And I didn't want, I hear it's, it's this. I get,

I hate when some, when someone intimidates me because I'm a fan of theirs much like I know um or just like I'm reverential to them and I hate that I'm different in front of people that I want to like me and that is my issue it's not Andrew's Andrew has his own things and sometimes I do see that in Andrew because I see it in myself and so for me I was probably nervous about something where I felt you know last night I was in the green room with Bill Burr and I could not be comfortable I could not be myself because I'm just like it's Bill Burr you know and I'm not really close to him I'm still I think he's just a genius I think everything I say around him is probably the dumbest thing he's ever heard and so I wasn't so it was maybe that.

It was maybe me foreseeing that I was gonna be around someone like that that would make me feel like not myself. And so I was yelling at Andrew, be yourself because I was talking to future Nikki, be yourself, which I tried to be. And like, actually, I love Bill Burry. He's one of my favorite comedians.

And I'm terrified of him because he's just someone who tells the truth all the time. I'm much like much like I was scared of Patrice O'Neill before he died. I like didn't even though he's, you know, also up there, my top five with Bill. He's just so truth. He tells the truth so much that I'm scared of what he might see in me. So anyway, I did a show with Bill Burr last night and Tim Dillon, who is so fucking funny. These shows I do in Hollywood,

I went out to dinner with David Spade, name drop. We did two podcasts. We did Tom Segura's. Yes, she was crazy, Noah. Woke up, got a COVID test, went back to bed, did our podcast, was a total bitch, got in the car, apologized to Andrew. We had a heart to heart.

We both love each other, said I love you. It was such a good moment. Went to to Andrew we had a heart-to-heart we both love each other said I love you it was such a good moment went to Tom's had a great time then we were late to Andrew Santino's podcast got there did Andrew's podcast uh also a great time uh Whiskey Ginger it'll be out at some point then I went to dinner with Spade I was late I'm always late uh but it was so much fun um and then we went to then I went over to my show and I didn't want Spade to watch me I didn't want anyone to watch me Bill Burr was there I was like I don't want Bill to watch me he's probably just like the show she doesn't talk about her vagina or whatever like I don't know why I literally he's he's maybe the one comic that I'm like oh god please don't watch me you're gonna hate me like the other day when Chappelle was watching me on Fallon I I was even nervous then of like, oh, he's going to think something I do is hack.

But guess what? We've all been hacks. So I just let it go. I really had to be like, okay, you cannot change the way you perform for these 300 people because Bill Burr is in the back. You just can't, Nikki. You're not going to cater your set to Bill Burr. So I did it, and I had a fun time. And it's just so –'t Nikki it's you're not gonna cater your set to Bill Burr so I didn't and I had

I had a fun time and uh it's just so I am so lucky to be a big enough name like have established a point established myself in comedy to a point that I'm on the same bill as Bill and Tim and who else was on that show that was fucking killer I mean it, it was a insane lineup. I mean, it's just, I am, I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I haven't tricked anyone. I'm not a fraud. I'm there and I'm belong here and I'm glad you're listening, but man, it's a pinch yourself kind of moment. And, uh, thank you to the bestie that came out to the show the other night and goes bestie and I go it was so exciting so I'm excited to see you all on tour and have you we'll give you something to cheer so it's not bestie so I can I don't know something funny to yell out that people go what

the fuck did you say like on our last podcast people were called squirters we were calling them squirt nation and people come back to shows and go I'm a squirter and i was like i don't know whether you're a fan of the show or you know you need to teach me a thing or two because i've only done it once and i want to learn how to do it every time uh but i'll have to get one of those mattress covers that i should have had in fourth grade because i wet the bed all the time let's get andrew in here for the news catch john stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment

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his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places.

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Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Hey, Nick. Welcome to St. Louis again. We're back in St. Louis. We're in our new studio, but it's not done yet.

The wall is painted behind us. It looks great. You guys will see it soon. We're on a love seat together. This is really, I like this. This feels very friendshipy. We're close. Are we too close no i just told them that we made up in the car yesterday after the podcast and i admitted to being a huge

cunt and we we really did make up we always make up it's it gets easier and easier i could i could write on a on a calendar if you told me what we were doing how long we were going to hang out for it'd be like a science experiment i could i could literally within two days go we're gonna fight around 2 p.m that tuesday are you connected to my period tracker app because that could probably predict it for you no i was i was in a really bad mood yesterday and i was just saying that's the point like a daily podcast like I you're gonna get that sometimes so I just want you besties if you hear of a episode that you're

just like well you just like hang in there I know I know I can be a lot sometimes I really do but I'm just being honest with you guys so I explained to them where it came from and how we made up in the car and how obviously if I had the opportunity to do those

podcasts alone and I have the opportunity to do this podcast alone and it's not that I want you to do it because with me because I'm lonely or scared I can't do it it's because you make it better and you know that I know that I feel that about you and my judgment of you is all my own fears of not being myself with people that intimidate me so i go andrew don't be weird with people that intimidate you when really it was me talking to myself about bill burr later in the evening here's the thing though you were you're not wrong like your your intuitions are always right it's just like i don't know i mean they're usually right and i and i i saw where you were coming from and i didn't think it was that mean yesterday.

I was up to no good yesterday. I felt I was maybe being like, what? I'm just telling the truth. Like that whole thing. You know when you do that, people listening, where you go. And I don't even know that. I knew that I was up to no good. But I still felt when you're in that zone, you just can't get out of it.

It's like you just got to rooster. and i love that someone wrote on the thing because i i posted a picture yesterday of the vibe of yesterday's show oh yeah of us strangling each other or whatever it was one of our first pictures and someone wrote under it rooster and i was like i forgot i told them about rooster so next time let's just rooster this but the thing is i can't even fucking rooster when i'm in that mood i'm just no i'm right i just i well i'm really difficult i'm learning yeah have i gotten better yeah i think so that didn't sound like a good yeah no you definitely have gotten better now you yell at me for saying that you haven't gotten better no i mean be honest no i think you have gotten I really do. I just think there's so many, like, you are a workaholic. We spend so much time together.

You do something like the MTV Awards or you do something like the show we filmed and came in. It's such a high. You'd be a crazy person to not come off that and be a little moody. I mean, anyone would be. Yeah, and I'm sorry to take it out on you, man. I really am. It's like, it's, yeah. I was on my date last night.

I was talking to this guy about it, and he was talking about, he works with celebrities sometimes, and we were talking about a person that he has known before, and he was like, sometimes I feel like he, like, he knows, he just he's he's i'm someone that he can take out his anger on and that i'm just gonna put up with it and i don't and

i put my foot down and now when it happens this guy said i'll just go we're done today even though he's working for this person when that person is in a bad mood he just goes um you either need to stop what you're doing and stop talking to me that way and i'll stay or you need to go and then you can come back tomorrow and we'll act like this never happened which i don't like that part but like we're done here and i was like yeah that's the way i feel with my roommate my my podcast co-host i was like i i know i treat i go i only talk to people my mom my dad and and and Andrew like this like really I don't even talk to my sister like the way I I talked to you because I'm I'm scared she might even pull away her love but it's all just um I guess the difference there is that you

know that's one of probably a hundred clients that's what he said he goes I'm not yeah and he goes but this guy is you know all all of his work is with you not all of it for sure but um yeah and I hope you've learned that I don't I will be be okay if you just go fuck you and walk out I really will and I know that's like easy for me to say it's the same time it's the same thing of what I tell guys like I want you to fuck other girls and they're like yeah right I'm like I swear I'm into it and I'll still like you afterwards. And they're like, I don't think so.

So maybe just test it out with like making out with other girls in terms of like, just being like, Nick, you're a cunt. And then like walk out. And, but like,

don't does it, what is it? Is this registering to you? And no, what do you mean? Like leaving? Like it said, maybe don't leave.

Like we're done, but you can go like Nikki. Not today. No, I don't like your tone with me. Like just honestly, like I don't like your tone with me like just honestly like I don't want to be like stand up for yourself like I hate when bullies say that but I want to give you the right to do that and I know that that's not for me to give you I just

need to treat you better and I am working on that and that's all that needs to change honestly is my behavior not yours yeah and I look but just like stand up for I'm just kidding no I think I did stand up for myself the other day. And I, I guess I just, you know, for me, I'm not,

I'm not a fighter like that. I've never been. If I do fight, it's like, it's zero do like 200. And I've never, you know, I kind of went there a little bit the other day,

but that's exhausting to me. I grew up with it. I grew up with my family. My parents fighting every single like i'm talking like fighting like like screaming like bloody murder yeah so it's like that sound to me coming out of my own voice it's not worth it so if i was ever in that relationship or friendships i would walk away i would i would leave yeah now the difference is is this in my career too and so i have to weigh my options.

So many people have bosses that are just the worst. And I always go, why do you stay? And I don't, I don't want to be one of those bosses. So I really, I, yeah,

I, I will do the work. You don't need to do anything. You're perfect. I'm serious. And not perfect, but like, it's my own shit.

I don't need to, you don't need to change. How'd you sleep last night? But maybe we just talk, maybe if you're having that feeling then let's talk about that before you know what I mean like before we get on

a podcast I like don't you know like your brain see that it's coming like it was brewing the whole time and then it unleashed I now that I'm calling it out I'm going to be more aware of it maybe in the moment on the show to to you know I'll be able to call it out i think we should just try to rooster each other or noah you can call rooster maybe i can hold up a sign that says rooster on it yeah uh you know

i don't want to come off like i have total anger management issues this does come up for me i'm working on it i've never been in a you know a cohabitating co-working relationship when i had a tv show with sarah schaefer we would butt heads and i i was more scared of her i think in that relationship and so i would kind of be in your role and it it's not a good place to be and i'm really sorry to make you feel that way and i i think we're figuring out each other's boundaries. And I think that's what it comes down to. Oh, but when I feel right, I just want to fucking. I like fighting with you sometimes, though.

I really do. And I'm sorry for that. And you can just go, no. Because I grew up in the house like that, too, man. And not as bad as yours, maybe. But that's why I can't watch Summer House more than two episodes in a row because lindsey screaming drunkenly is like my childhood i just go like it's stressing me out but now i'm like thinking like when why do you when you feel like you're right about something like right about me being too giddy on a podcast and now you had to say

something is that what you're talking about or Or what were you? Oh, no. Like remember the other night when we were really going. Oh, that was like, yeah, I could you. That was like, I just felt right. And I wanted to like debate you on it. And that was I both times. I felt like I was in the wrong. I mean, I just feel like you're there's still something you want to say to me right now. Um, I don't feel a complete like for.

No, I don't. a complete like forgiveness no i i don't think you have to give that to me no i don't i i really i didn't even realize yesterday's fight was so bad i really didn't i was like i think i was so in my head about doing the other stuff and making sure you know things went great with the other podcasts and so we did have great times and i thought we had a great time tom and and uh christina i think we vibed with them incredibly yeah and we actually went there kind of you were right dude like uh your criticisms sometimes might be harsh but dude i'm used to that i played sports like i don't mind like critical like as long as it's like comes from a place of love and it's like

how it's told to me no i did my tone wasn't good and but but here's the thing i was better on that podcast because of your advice we were more relaxed i wasn't like this kind of energy of trying to be funny no you were just talking you were great bullshitting well then i'll keep being mean to you but no that's i appreciate you saying that and i do feel like i can read you more than I probably can sometimes so it makes me feel good that you acknowledge

that sometimes I'm right because my dad is always like you don't always know what I'm thinking and I'm like but I do and you know I do you just won't admit

that that's what you were thinking but here's the thing sometimes I know what you're thinking and you don't say it and I wouldn't say it because it's not my right

you're right You're right. You're right. But the one thing that is hard for me, and I guess we could talk about it, and it's not going to start a fight, I promise, but is if I'm staying at your place in LA, it's your house. You're renting this house, right?

So there's a feeling, and this is such a, because the house is amazing. Everything's amazing. Let's start there. I know that's annoying when someone starts with like, but you know, let's say I wanted to have someone over, right?

Like I would have to ask for almost permission. Right. And I don't know if you understand that feeling of like living in a house where you don't feel completely free to do exactly what you want as a 41 year old man yeah so that's where like there's i think when we get into if you offer to pay your share of the rent and then we can talk but i also even if we're sharing rent, I understand that. You're right. It depends how long the stay is. You're right. But we had the same argument when we were in Cayman.

And so those are things that maybe I should rather get a cheaper place on my own than live. But I would rather live with you, but also at the same moment have freedom. I had a knee-jerk reaction to you having someone over because I felt like i'm gonna have to be social with this person and like be nice and entertain them and i won't be able to be free and play guitar and like be loud and do what i want when i have some downtime so that's why i was like just you can't have them over and then when i realized i wasn't gonna be there it was like oh okay you can have them over but i should i think do you understand if i i asked one time one time for someone to come over to do my podcast for an hour and you had a problem with it?

So that's, you don't understand, like that puts so much stress on that person, on me, to be like, to walk on eggshells because of how you react. And then you'll go, well, I don't react. Why would you think I react that way? I hear this. Because you do.

I think next time this comes up, say, listen, I know, I acknowledge, my feelings are like, I'm weird about my space and having people in, even if it's someone I like.

Like, I really love that girl and if I was in the right mood, come on over. And I would have been fine with it, but in the moment, you can just say, I know that you are,

I know that you are different about sharing your space than I am. Would it be okay if I had this person over? If you present in a way that acknowledges my feelings and validates my feelings. I know, but that's a lot for someone, dude. I understand, but that's what I require. It's a weird thing about me. I know, but here's the thing. We had like 15 people over there or staying there.

So it's like, it doesn't feel like you're that weird about your space unless it's for you and i understand but that's when it was i was comfortable with those people and i made that decision if you were someone who got weird about having people over i would i would probably uh ask you before in that way if you had anxiety about people coming over the way i do with younger comics coming over who you know i might have to entertain in some way like if you know i would i i adjust things that i'm not you you know you're not me and i'm not you so my feelings don't have to be the same as your feelings having people over and if you did have a feeling that wasn't the same as mine

i would hope to go andrew i know that this is a thing for you that maybe, you know, you, you might have an issue with, even though I don't, you know, like we just have to acknowledge each other's feelings. I get that.

And that I'm just different about things than you. And, and it is a touchy subject for me and I'll try to be better and, and acknowledge that it must be tough for you to live with someone who can like tells you who you can and can't have over. But your dad and I think that you're socializing too much and doing too much podcasting, and we need to limit the friends you have over.

And the house is a mess. Well, let me talk to dad about it. If you clean your damn room sometime, maybe I'll let you have people over, Nick. Let's get to the news. Is this exhausting for people? No, I think this is good. Listen, I don't even, honestly, besties, I love you.

I don't care if this was exhausting for you because i think there's probably someone who just learned how to maybe have a communicative talk with their loved one okay good i would like to confirm we have received feedback that people enjoy the makeup podcasts let's call them does teach people i like i like when it's a makeup we need to start start doing that. We need to label it a makeup podcast. On the description, we'll title it and go, attention, it's a makeup podcast. Yeah, I'm sure people do get help addressing their feelings towards someone else

by hearing it. This helped me. It helped me too, yeah. We are forced to have these conversations when really, if we live separately, we wouldn't have them. No, and it would probably build off the show. You heard it here first.

You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. I love when we have these talks. And then it's, you heard it here first. Okay. All right, let's get to the news. All right. Hey, you heard it here first, folks.

First of all, I hope you're having so much fun out there. We obviously are because we're made up. This is a big makeup. All the swells are happening on this couch right now. I'm full're having so much fun out there. We obviously are because we're made up. This is a big makeup. All the swells are happening on this couch right now. I'm full of swells. So much swell. It's swelling up down there. We're on a love seat too.

This is actually really quite comfortable to podcast like this. I mean, it would be hilarious if we did all that work. I know. My mom's decorating her studio and she's sending me chairs. And I was just like, maybe I just use the one I have. Anyway, let's get to the news. I'm excited for the headlines because i don't know what the hell we're talking about today oh boy this one this one's interesting it's not it's not insane but the top battery draining app on your phone is fitbit what instagram comes in eighth and tinder in ninth

i thought you would like a list like this to go over i mean what do you think are the top 20 i took a photo of it oh my god that's i love this article thank you so much for sharing this so fitbit is the number one draining one if you have it up you mean like the way that every mom has every app up yeah okay okay so i see the list here so it's fitbit then verizon verizon then uber skype that makes sense facebook airbnb Verizon, Verizon, then Uber, Skype. That makes sense. Facebook, Airbnb. Why does it close out Airbnb?

You should book it and then close out. Bego Live. I don't know what Bego Live is. It's a little dinosaur looking thing. Then Instagram, Tinder, Bumble. A lot of dating apps. A lot of dating apps. If you keep them going, there's a certain thing where you can use like 11 different parts of your phone.

Dude, I had no idea. I got all these up right now. Can we go through and see how many I have up? Yeah, you probably have all 10. Okay, I have my chat, then Instagram, then YouTube,

then Venmo, then Bumble, then Raya, then Starbucks, then my mail, then Safari, then Calendar, then Carvana,

Kayak, Clock, Spotify, Podcast Settings, Phone, White Noise, Southwest, Reddit, Twitter, my AT&T, Kayak, Clock, Spotify, Podcast Settings, Phone, White Noise, Southwest, Reddit, Twitter, MyAT&T, Mail Online, Daily Mail, Google Maps, Voice Memo, Docs, Camera, Notes, Uber.

These are all up. Lyft, Photos, Maps, Weather, InstaSize. Make sure Instagram photos size to a square. American Airlines, WhatsApp, Files, Tabs, Guitar Tuna, Yelp, OpenTable, Books, Postmates, Craigslist, Imgur, TikTok, Amazon, Waze, Drive. Holy shit. I'm so sorry. I apologize for that list.

What do you got going? I have pretty much Google, text, notes, Uber, Twitter, Bank of America, TikTok, Maps. Now, now by the way we're doing this by swiping up i think people yeah you know when you have a thing open that's what we're talking about like we have all these windows open i'm closing them all spotify podcast southwest oh by the way united airlines is like number one on the list that i saw i don't know why really yeah united needs to get uh venmo we just flew southwest we just flew in by the way you guys we had a 7 10 a.m flight we got picked up at 5 10 i slept two hours i got done with my date at one uh about 12 30 packed and then we i was i stayed up till 2 30 in, just like redditing and stuff like that. And then we woke up so fucking early.

We did it today. I'm so glad to be back. Fuck. I like St. Louis. I like St. Louis too. No one can ask me to do a podcast or do a spot tonight. And my dog is somewhere. I don't even know if I'm going to see my dog tonight.

Okay, so that's helpful to know to close out all your apps. I mean, I think I'm someone that runs on around 17 a lot like i've i've a lot of my hang-ups on my brother on my family oh mom's dead oh i just my battery's dead that's the best way to by the way guys if you are in a call with someone you don't want to be don't go just drop the call just what if they call you what if they call you then put it on airplane mode so drop it airplane mode but you don't lie but this is not this is not this is where you don't lie okay they call back and you say i lost i'm sorry i lost the call okay or you can say i was in a bad area

and if as long as you're in a bad neighborhood you're not lying that to me before no that's when i was on runs and i would go on these hills and every time i was on this run i knew exactly where peter off but you can just hang up. You know, you don't have to go like, I'm going into a bad, just hang up. Oh yeah, if you just hang up. Because it just happens.

You know what I mean? You just hang up and no one would ever know. But it is not sincere. But if you do follow it up with, sorry man, it just hung up. That's still not lying. It did hang up.

You did it. So you can skirt around the truth. Let's get to the next story an 11 year old girl who fought off attempted kidnapping credits law and order svu for quick thinking that helped her identify the suspects oh so 11 year old girl was nearly kidnapped at her school bus stop in florida okay so it's pretty amazing She was playing with blue paint at the time, right? And people knew that. Okay. And... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, you guys, this girl is playing in like a... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're watching the video. You guys, this girl is playing with like some paint in this like kind of... It looks like a cul-de-sac, like the end of a cul-de-sac in the middle, in the grassy middle area. Then this white SUV pulls up, more like a crv pulls up

i'm looking at cars carvana and the guy gets out of the car runs it'd be weird at the girl can we watch it again you want i'm doing a play-by-play of oh i like that kidnapper's car oh wait wait wait i want to see him run up to her again guys this is fucking crazy he sprints over she starts running he grabs her she throws her paints he bristles her to the ground then i don't know she does something to him and he sprints away she put a lot of pain on his arm so then he was at the store later on in the day and the cops found him because he had pain on his arm oh and she got that from an s law and order svu here's the thing i'm not trying to be a dick to this 11 year old girl that almost got kidnapped yeah i mean this poor girl is traumatized good job

honey oh my god i don't know if in this moment she was that quick i don't think so i think it worked out and then monday morning quarterback she was like oh by the way i watched i meant to do that yeah i i agree because i i mean honestly you don't know what happens in those moments like it's time goes very slow and sometimes you have a lot of time to think like when you hear about shark attacks people punching the shark doing different things so i don't put it past her that she maybe did have that flash memory of like make mark him in some way yeah um but regardless amazing and he he did get into the the blue. Yeah. That joke would be better now if I hadn't kind of said it before. That would be a...

I wish we could take out the last one because that would be hilarious. Here's the thing. I didn't hear the first one. Oh, good. So you got a genuine laugh on the next one. Okay. But yeah, he is auditioning and he's going to be... Did he already know how to play drums or did he learn after the fact?

No. In jail? He learned in jail. I mean, they're banging on things in there. That was really scary. And 11-year-old girl, for some reason, when you said an 11-year-old girl, I just was like, I loved being 11. I think that was one of my favorite times was being 11.

I think it was in fourth grade. You know why 11 was dope? 1995. Because your parents finally let you ride your bike around the like neighborhood by yourself yeah they probably shouldn't have looking at yeah i mean now looking back dude my parents would just go how here saturday take your mongoose and go for a ride and i would just ride in florida did you is that a bike or an actual mongoose and i question if those are regional Take the mongoose to the alligator to the

manatee. That's what they brought down. My parents also let us run rampant and I was really scared of my sister getting kidnapped because I knew I was smart enough to like, I was scared of everyone. I thought everyone was a kidnapper. I was always on alert. The same way when my dad taught me how to drive, he goes,

Nikki, pretend that every car is going to try to crash into you so you're always aware like you you're defensive driving you know like pretend that every car at the last second could could just turn into you and what you would do and so i drive like that i know it seems like i don't but i do and i used to live that way with uh kidnappers but my sister i knew wasn't didn't have the same fear because i got my fear from my mom because she was scared that i would get kidnapped when I was first child but by the time

my sister rolled around the fear she was like no one kidnaps these fucking kids so she let my sister a little bit more lax as you do with the second child and I was terrified

of her getting kidnapped terrified one of my first jokes well your sister was hotter so she was more kidnappable no she wasn't even cute at this age I was kind of like cuter

it was close it was close she was a little chubby and i had buck teeth and that's how we used to go at each other i'd be like you're fat and she'd go you've buck teeth and i go and she goes and by the way everyone knows that fat kids turn into skinny adults and that skinny kids turn into fat adults so you're gonna be fat with buck teeth and your buck teeth aren't gonna change and i'd be like where does she know that science like i like and

she was not wrong like i turned into a little bit heftier because i was you grew into your teeth yeah wait so so i was scared of her getting kidnapped and my first joke i wrote one of my first jokes that i still look back on i'm like that was pretty good was i remember when i was a really young girl playing in my front yard with my sister and a guy came up pulled up in a really creepy van. This is classic Nikki Glaser early joke. Just so much set up. Left turn, left turn. No, just so much set up and one little joke at the end.

It's just like, just get to the joke. Jessel neck. I was playing with my sister in the front yard, Jessel neck. I don't know how to do an impression of him. That's pretty good. I was playing with my sister in the front yard, and you know, just how kids do. Do it.

Keep going. It's great. And, wait, hold on. I'm trying to think of how I'm going to say this. And a van pulled up. You know, I had never seen this van before, but it happens. Vans come down the street.

It wasn't the weirdest thing until the van stopped right in front of me and my sister playing. And then this man I'd never seen before rolls down his window. And you know what? You see these people on TV that you go, you look like a molester. It looked like that guy, the guy was playing the part of what it was almost like he was cast. My parents were nowhere to be found. I'm 11. Cute as a button. I can't set it up that way. I'm 11.

My sister, she's nine. My sister doesn't even see it. I'm playing with her. We're doing backbends or some kind of gymnastics thing. And the man goes, hey, little girl. And I go, me? And he goes, yeah. Come over here.

And I go, okay, sir. and i walk over to his car i'm a little scared but he go he goes you want some candy and i go uh i go um yeah i want some or he goes hey little girl and i go yeah and he goes what wants some candy i'm remembering my joke want some candy and i go yeah i do and i went over about to get the car and he grabbed me by the arm he goes not you her yeah and that was it that was it i mean it was just like i mean obviously honestly dude that's a great like you're delivering like it makes you smile like you talk and like jessel neck i like jessel nick's jokes because i like those setups because he does tell a story and paints a beautiful picture and he just just talks so poetically. So that was a fun little.

Yeah, that was a fun little journey. Thanks for letting me do that. Let's get to the next story. Next story, baby. I hope you're all set up. Sports moment. Oh, we going right to sporty? Yeah.

All right. Let's do it, boy. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. Oh, I forgot to be unenthusiastic about it. No, I like that you were excited. No, I am actually excited. What's it going to be today? What do you think? Tiger Woods. Oh, close. Starts with a T.

Travis Barker. I'm sure he threw a drumstick once. Tim Tebow. Oh, the Christian. Oh, is he Christian? Wasn't it Tebowing if you took an E? Yeah. He prayed. Not the, wasn't it Tebowing if you like took an E? Yeah. And like prayed?

He did like, people would be like, either you're doing the Kaepernick or the Tebow. Got it. Tebow's for white prayers and like, yeah.

So that's actually a thing right now. And is he like, was he like a virgin before he got married and all that shit? He claims. But a guy that I know

went to college with him said he got thousands of blowjobs. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah, so. All right. I mean, and I thinkjobs. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah. So, all right. I mean, and I think he put in some poop.

It was for charity. Yeah, it was for charity. He gave back. I don't even know what that means. Tim Tebow signs one year deal with the Jaguars. That's on my arm. Yeah, he got a Jaguar.

As he looks for another NFL run as a tight end. Ha ha. Wait, so just so you know, Andrew has a Jaguar tattoo on his arm because he thought that Jaguars were native to Florida even though they haven't been there for like since the

first scene. Oh, really? Ever. Okay. There's like one or two in a zoo. Okay. Well, that still counts. But the Jaguars is a team.

So he's doing a one-year deal with the Jaguars. Is he like out of favor? I don't hear about him much. Why is this news? Tell me. All right. I'll tell you. Why do I care?

Okay, so Tim Tebow, biggest college football player ever, right? Why not professional football player? That's the thing. He didn't throw correctly. He wasn't a great NFL. He wasn't a terrible NFL quarterback. He shouldn't have been cut. I still don't think.

He didn't get the yips. He was 7-5 as a starter. Aren't you impressed I know what the yips are? I do. I kind of was excited to say that. And then you just go, no, I didn't get the yips. And I and five as a starter i know what the yips are i do i kind of like was like excited to say that and then you just go no i didn't get the yips and i go can you give me some credit yeah i'm gonna give you i gave you credit by not saying anything about it that means that i expected it from you okay expected you not to get the yips by saying is it like the hiccups of throwing or pitching or swinging or anything yeah but the hiccups never

sometimes go away. Got it. You get the yips. Oh, if you want to just not have the yips, you have to take a drink of water and put your head underneath your legs. I know. It didn't scare me. Well, it scared Tim Tebow because, well, he's back, baby.

No, so Tim Tebow, right? He gets drafted as NFL quarterback. He wins a couple playoffoff games and then he gets cut like they just don't think he could be an nfl quarterback now they did say hey why don't you try tight end because you're 6'3 240 pounds of pure muscle and pure jesus behind you right so he gets cut he tries to play baseball and he gets all the way to like double a for the mets here's the thing tim tebow is a is a is if you're a greedy team he's gonna sell jerseys he's gonna make you money yeah there's a lot of people that

love jesus out there there's a lot of people that love tim tebow tim tebow is from jacksonville oh this is so what is his deal so this is the thing so tim tebow now that he's 33 he tried baseball didn't work out he's still working working out. He's still jacked. The head coach is the old coach for the Florida Gators when he was a star, who's now in Jacksonville, Urban Meyer. So then he's now. His name's Urban? Urban, yeah.

Is he black? No, white guy. White guy, white Urban. So then. Keith Urban. Great songwriter. Songer. Songer. He's got. We got to call him songers there songer i like it better than singer songwriter put it together

so then so now he's now he'll play tight end but people are going nuts but one he's jersey sales from jacksonville got it gonna be often but people are mad because Kaepernick never got signed again. But here's old Christian White Tebow getting signed 10 years after he fucking was even in the league. And people are losing their shit. A lot of black players are going, well, this isn't right for him to get an opportunity. Why does it have to be between those two? Are they the same level? Skill level?

And was Colin Kaepernick up for being placed somewhere? Where is he now? Well, there's... I mean, that's a whole long... Well, Kaepernick's not playing. He had an opportunity to sign. There's a lot of drama behind it where I think he denied being signed.

What are your thoughts on this? I think fucking... I think Tebow... I think, yeah, for a money standpoint, fucking sign him. Don't even overthink it. Are the Jaguars ever going to be good like have they ever Gotten close to being good could this be They were good with this guy named Mark Brunel Who was a lefty quarterback Tebow's a lefty quarterback

Who knows maybe it might end up being a quarterback But they just drafted this guy Trevor Lawrence Who has the long blonde hair I always get very confused about these teams that I know of That I literally know they've never been at a Super Bowl Why do they exist then if they've never been good the Bengals have never have not won why are they around the Browns they're just like why why even have bad teams that don't even get a chance to even get to compete in the Super Bowl good question so the Patriots if you looked at

the Patriots 20 years ago you would say the same thing about them so you know so you always have a chance you have a chance a team can turn it around look owners they all have a lot of money so there's a possibility the browns had a good season last year bill burr was in a fight not a fight but it got an argument with another comic about the lakers saying like you know the lakers were bought right like or the they were talking about the celtics and then the lakers and they were arguing about who is better and bill i think i the essence of what he was saying to this guy was like the lakers are just like oh he did a great example i don't want to ruin his bit because i was like bill i go you should do that i don't think he heard me like on stage i'm sure he's gonna do it at some point because it's so funny but he's like the lakers it's like you ever he goes you know when you like uh when you would

like pick teams in fucking you know grade school and then you realize like one team like has way too many guys that are like gonna be good in the other one even in grade school when you're in like sixth grade you go this is this is not even then we gotta we gotta even this out children know to even out how do how do you do professional teams not know that this is completely uneven and it's all based on, I guess, you just buy a team. That's what I've always wondered. I would be so much more into sports if the sports had to be, like the player had to be from the city that they're playing for.

Oh, I like that. I like that. But no, that would be a problem because the cities are smaller. So you would have, depending on the city, so New York versus fucking Omaha, or not Omaha, but Oklahoma City. Let's just see how it goes. If we looked at the best players, and then we kind of saw where they would end up,

I wonder what the teams would look like. You know what I like? It's like high school. No, this is, I agree with you. I think because in Europe, you like France versus Germany. You break it up by state not by city state i like that i like that a lot but but i will say with kansas city you it's so on the border you could be a part of missouri or kansas if you're down the middle yeah you're either on

kansas or missouri okay well i i like it i think because i just never understand when people are like oh st louis we got uh what's the the there's like a. But if you think we're divided now, wait till you have like Georgia, just Georgia players versus, you know, New York. I just don't understand being like, oh, my team. I'm from Philly. I love this team when it's all people that are not from Philly have only lived

in your city for six months. I mean, I get it. I love. No, I like this. But I like on the Cardinals when a guy has grown up in St. Louis, like I think, what's it. I love. No, I like this. I like this idea. But I like on the Cardinals when a guy has grown up in St. Louis. Like, I think, what's his name? Drew, not Drew Brees.

Like, there's some guy with Brees with the last name. Here's the thing. College. We got to get to Listener Mail. We have to. Real quick, though. College is, for a long time, was essentially that. Yeah.

Okay. That makes sense. And high schools do that, too. Like, Florida will play Georgia. That's what I'm saying. Let's keep that going. Let's keep it going with, like, stay where you are. Don't leave your state. That's why i'm in st louis i want to i want to be on the stand-up comics from st louis me such as the entertainer greg ward now you oh and uh carly claus and what

kimmy kimmy schmidt chuck berry chuck berry uh john ham wait these aren't comics okay let's get to listener mail oh we love to hear from you guys thank you so much for writing in i just feel so connected to you today today um we are reading a message from jason this is via instagram you talked about sloths on monday says jason and it brought back my worst haunting story i was on a field trip during elementary school at the baltimore aquarium We were in the upper level rainforest room and I felt something on my head. A fucking sloth shit on my head in front of my classmates. Shit dripped down my face. It was mortifying.

What grade? Oh, elementary school. So we're talking fifth grade and below. I love this story. That's not funny when a sloth shits on your head until you're an adult and you can be like, ah, you know. But when you're a kid, that's devastating. I mean, there's a lot of interesting parts here because sloths shit on the ground. They actually climb down a tree.

It takes them like two weeks. They only shit every two weeks because they're so lazy. They don't want to climb back up the tree. I don't know why they just don't shit from where they are in the tree. I think it might be a defense mechanism. Oh. But, yeah, I mean i wonder like how slow this shit dripped down his face it would be so funny they shit really fast like i do

you just had to i went to go shit when we got in i went to go pull a balcony that's what we call it when i used to live in my old place because whenever i had to shit i'd tell andrew to go wait on the balcony so i had to balcony uh earlier when we got in and i was gonna do it in our like main bathroom that we both share because i had to go so bad but then i was like no i'm gonna respect andrew and like go to my own bathroom and then i get in there there's no toilet paper there's just uh one of poppy's diapers and i usually like dig through the trash bin too to pull up like tissues that i maybe have snotted in and just use it fucking who cares and then it was just poppy's diaper and i go i don't want to do that and so i go andrew will you toss me toilet paper it's just so nice to have a friend

i would i hate when you have to like have when you shit and you're like i'm gonna have to like waddle out of here and and have shit in my butt as i walk yeah the best is the throw too because you don't want to look at the person on this shitter so you do a no look yeah it's always like yeah you threw you threw it well it it got to me um but the funny part is that my bathroom was dark and i was like it's so weird he's gonna see me shitting in the dark and so i started singing i keep shitting in the dark oh that's why you say i'm in the i'm on the toilet trying to um dude that story of the sloth i'll tell this real quick when i was in uh i went to uh body wars in disney world or whatever oh yeah and where it's like they show you like inside the body it's like yeah and you're on an interactive

ride and you go through the body and there was a handicapped you know uh you know a mentally handicapped kid behind us. Okay. And we were young. We were like eight or nine. So we were kind of like laughing at him. Yeah. The ride starts going. We're going through the intestines.

We're going through the stomach. And I start to smell. And I'm like, wait, does smell part of this fucking ride? Oh my God. It smelled like shit. It smelled like throw up. And I was like, man. I was like, God, this is really good. Yeah.

So I was thinking. I was like, man, they're so ahead of their time. The light comes on. The mentally handicapped kid threw up all over me. Oh, no. All over me, right? And he's just wiping his face while leaving. And I'm like, no, he didn't.

And I look at my back and I'm just covered and throw up. And all the kids are laughing at me. And I mean, some would say he's the sloth of humans. And so we can probably leave it. No, I was gonna say it too. So just leave it. It's fine. And it's not.

We love sloths. And I love mentally handicapped people too. So he throws up all over me. And then I had like $30 that my mom gave me. And you had to buy like a minion shirt? I bought a goofy shirt that was literally, I had to borrow $10 to buy. Because they're so expensive at Epcot like a minion i bought a goofy shirt that was literally i had to borrow ten dollars because they're so expensive 40 for this goofy shirt and it was so big on me it's like an extra large to see that and i'll tell you what i swear to god i walked past him

mentally and he gave me a look like yeah bitch really you're my bitch i swear to god look who's goofy now yeah okay next listener mail I have so much to say about what you just said but we got to get to another okay this comes from this is a voice memo left by Amanda which you can go leave these on our Instagram if you if you want to know Nikki Glazer pod

just will your boy listens to him late at night in the dark we have like over 10,000 followers on Instagram and i am just so grateful for the followers and i promise you we will keep putting up more content that is like much more revealing and riskier than our own pages and uh yesterday we were singing date matthews on the way to the car we or the way the podcast um yeah so just follow us there i got a picture of nikki sleeping like a bum and then I put it on mine because I loved it so much.

I looked adorable. Well, that just shows how hard you worked for two weeks. That's what that showed me, honestly. And it was so early in the morning and our flight was delayed. I would have never slept at the gate. And I had a mask and a sleep mask, so my whole face was covered. No one could tell it was me. Okay, let's hear from Amanda who left us a voice memo yesterday.

Hi, Nikki. Hi, Andrew. Hi, Amanda.. Hey Amanda. Love the pod. I have a mispronunciation story. So I tend to be more like Nikki. I correct people's pronunciation and grammar a lot. Pretty type A that way. So I was pretty embarrassed when I pronounced a pretty easy word wrong in the form of song nonetheless so i had a solo in my school's musical back in high school um the musical was the music man the song was till there was you not sure if you've heard of it beautiful song that's not important to the story so i'm looking back at these old videos during quarantine and i hear myself sing fragrant meadows fragrant meadows

the word is fragrant and fraggle rock was big at the time i'm finding out for the first time that i sang that wrong in like 10 years later in oh video. Yes, Amanda. There's my story. Fragrant. Have all the swells. Jackpot. Oh, Amanda, I love you so much. Fragrant is so funny. Fragrant.

And there was music and wonderful roses. They tell me in sweet, fragrant meadows of dawn and juice. No. I wonder if she had the memory like, I nailed that. And then she saw the video and she was like Why is no one going to tell her fragrance wrong? I think she just went to a bad school and they didn't know. Oh, you think?

I think, like, why would no one correct that? I think that they were just like... Oh yeah, there were probably rehearsals. Oh, many. I mean, the music, what was it? I think that they were just like. Oh yeah, there were probably rehearsals. Oh, many. I mean, the music, what was it? The Music Man? Is that what she was singing in the rain? What the fuck was that song from?

I love that song. That was a great one, Amanda. Keep sending in your mispronunciations. Do we have any more to get to today, Noah? Oh, can you play that one? This is from Kate, a voice memo. Hey, Nikki. Hey, Andrew. Hey, Kate. uh this is from kate a voice memo hey nicky hey andrew um so i just thought you guys would really get a good kick out of this i have a psycho ex-boyfriend who cannot take a hint i've blocked him on every single social media platform um and a couple ago, he started men mowing me in $5 increments and pleading

me to kind of get back with him and give him a chance and everything. Today, I woke up to $15. So three separate transactions. The last one was begging for the chance to allow him to email me. So I want your advice. How can I go about further profiting from this? I'm thinking about sending him a request for $100 one-time email fee. Do you think I should make it a higher increment, lower increment? I'm just really enjoying kind of messing with him because he's Fucked with me for the last year and a half Okay Kate let me know what you think

Hey guys Kate I'm a little Worried for your safety because you Described him as a psycho so I just I want to make sure that you don't Think this person could hurt you in any way Because this is very weird behavior to Try to contact you so Many ways when you've blocked him. So a little world worried.

However, I hear in your tone that you don't seem scared. You kind of think he's just ridiculous and you want to fuck with him. I, if let's in a world where this guy cannot physically hurt you, which I think that he could because you don't know these people. So I, I would honestly,

I would just block him on Venmo. The $5 aren't worth it, but in a world where you're not going to be worried about this guy, the $100 email sounds like a great idea. And then the email you send him or that he sends you, you just write back like, got it, or like a thumbs up or something. Yeah, this guy's smart. This guy knows because he's only doing $5 so he could write like 20 messages.

So he has a lot of room to keep writing. Yeah, get it, girl. So say, look, if you even want to pay me on Venmo, you got to do 20 of Venmo. Also, is she depositing these? I wonder, like, that's the other thing I'm wondering. What do you mean? Is she actually accepting these?

Yeah, she's accepting this money. Get it, girl. I absolutely think you should take the money and run. However, I don't think you should take the money and run however i don't think you should make this guy go broke if you know for a fact you're never going to get back together with him i think you know if he is wealthy enough to be able to afford a hundred dollar email then yeah get that i am on cameo you know and i raised my price to a thousand dollars just because i didn't know how to shut it down and i was tired of doing cameos i was too busy

so i just go i'll make my price a thousand dollars down and I was tired of doing cameos. I was too busy. So I just go, I'll make my price $1,000. So, and now people think I think I'm hot shit. It's just because I couldn't figure out a way to disable it. The app does not allow you to. So it looks like I'm just like one of the most expensive people on there and I think I'm cool, but I don't. But however, they do let you allow DMs.

People can pay $9.99 to DM me. I made it 10 bucks because I'm like, you know, if someone wants to pay that, fine. Like, you could always message me on Instagram. You might not get a reply. You definitely aren't guaranteed a reply on Venmo or on Cameo either. I have one guy who's become so abusive on there and just like, why won't you write to me? I'm spending another $10.

And I kept, and he keeps writing and I go, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. I don't care. Like, this guy doesn't know my address though, honey. So so I will let him to keep harassing me with the ten dollars because it's his choice but I would worry for your safety with this guy that you described as a psycho and I want to know more Kate can you message us back and tell us why he's a psycho why he's tortured you before I think the listeners want to know more history I know I do but to go to your advice if she goes higher say look you can only I'm only going to talk to you if you give me $500 on Venmo. He's going to be like, okay, you are a bitch.

I'm done. So eventually, if you want to be done with him, raise your price to an insane amount of money. Do me a cameo thousand. Yeah, do a cameo thousand. Do a K to 500 and see what happens. And maybe you might get the 500. I mean, it sounds like this guy's not made of money though if he's giving five bucks a pop final thought i just got a text uh from a major producer um who i've worked with on some things director i'm sorry um who is

actually he was the director remember the um prince solo from the rock and roll hall yeah he was the one that i talked about on the show right the prince solo did i ever talk about it i don't think you did um the rock and roll hall of fame prince while my guitar jet lee weeps prince solo is one of the best things i've ever watched on youtube i really it's it's like silver springs level of good and there's a whole story behind it so maybe i'll talk about on monday's show no well you write it down so i can talk about this anyway the the guy that i read all these articles about it on Monday's show. Noah, will you write it down so I can talk about this? Anyway, the guy that, I read all these articles about it because I was like, this performance is amazing.

And they have all these like oral histories about that taping because it's such a monumentally, like just epic performance. One of the best things you've ever seen musically. And so it so happened, I'm friends with the guy that did it because I've worked with him before. He just wrote me and said, hey Nikki, nice work on MTV Awards. I'm producing the i heart radio music awards live on fox next

thursday and would love for you to present an award it's at the dolby next thursday from five to seven i want to present an award at i heart radio awards so bad first of all i might have a podcast on i heart radio um he said i know your podcast is on i heart so i thought you would be a great tie-in um uh yeah i said i moved here So I thought you would be a great tie in. Um, uh, yeah, I said, I moved here. I go, if you guys, can you fly me in? That's not something you're supposed to ask a producer, but we were in the middle of podcast. I wanted to get back to him. So I just go, um, I said, thank you.

God, I wish. Can you fly me in? I'm in St. Louis where I live. He said, hot. Well, let me ask. And I said, thank you. I'm sorry to ask. Would love to make this happen.

He said, I'd love it too. I knew you were there a lot during the pandemic, but I guess you made the move. Good for you. I know your podcast is on iHeart, so I thought it would be great. Where's the Dolby? It's like on Hollywood Boulevard.

It's like a big, I did another event. Yeah, I'd be going back to LA, which I'm dying to get back out there. It feels weird landing in St. Louis and being like, I don't have anywhere to go until June 18th when I do Bill Maher. Then go back out. In LA. Yeah, I might. And I love that house that we stayed in.

I might just fucking buy that place and fly out of friends to come stay with me. Yeah, do it. A.K.A. Jeff. Ace. Ace. A.T.C. That's you.

Jeff. I was kidding. Oh, no. I know, yeah. Yeah, so I went on a date last night, everyone. And it didn't. Good for you. Thank you. I was, yeah. Yeah, so I went on a date last night, everyone, and it didn't- Good for you. Thank you.

I was proud of myself. Does that sound bad when people are like, good for you for getting out there? Do you get mad when people say it like that? It was really, no, no, no, not at all, because it is good for me, because I had a really long day. I was tired of talking.

I had talked in three podcasts at dinner with David, and then I did two sets of 15 minutes each where I'm just talking nonstop, and I go to this dinner. And the thing is, I realized which Ashley Hustleteen of girls got to eat. Help me realize it's like these dates, even if you like show up and you're like,

this is a friend vibe. I'm probably not feeling it romantically, even though you don't know it's too soon to tell. So I give it some time. You don't know. Obviously you're attracted to this person to even agree to a date. I, I just like went along with i was just

like just like get to know someone and get interesting stories you know like get to it's just it and i had good boundaries of like the second i was tired i was just like yawning i couldn't stop yawning and i go i'm really sorry i have to cut this short and and we left and it was fine and he is someone that i'll probably know for a really long time i've already thought about him a lot today being like i want to hang out with him again not a romantic way though like i really was like that guy was so fucking interesting so like here's the thing though yeah you feel like once you feel that on a first date no romance it's it's done no i'm not i'm not ruling it out but i really don't think that i know almost right away when i'm romantically into someone i don't

think there's been a single person that i've developed feelings for that i didn't feel them right away gotcha and i may be wrong i need to assess that but i think and this person i was attracted to on instagram so i don't know what happened in person it just maybe my heart is still somewhere else maybe i'm not over someone else like i don't know what's going on um but i was actually feeling uh some vibes like uh at the at the show actually with some some people back like not backstage but like around like there was a vibe happening and i was like because i was talking to some friends about because they go why why is your date in the parking lot waiting for you because he was there he got there on time and the show was running late and i was like i'm they go you're not gonna have a minute i go no i

don't first of all i want him to like me still i go i realize when i'm on stage i'm in my masculine energy and these guys were like what are you talking about and i go they go i'm i think girls are hot that these are both stand-up comics they're like i i'm always attracted to girls who do stand-up and i go do you want that do you want to fuck them maybe but i go um would you marry them are they wife material and they both were like oh like no and i'm like because no guy wants a girl like not no guy but the kind of guys i like masculine energy men don't want a woman who's telling it like it is they can do that on stage but then i go they want it more like this where it's like hey what do you want for dinner tonight and my friend goes my friend

ben glebe who is not the person i was feeling that's with. I want to be clear. He was like, um, he was like, Whoa, wait, what just happened? He was like, he was like, I really liked that.

And I go, you do. I was like, is I feel like very vulnerable around you. And he was like, Nikki, I need you to stop. Like it was,

it works so well. He, and I, I sold these two guys that I was talking to on this whole concept. And then I went on stage and cause I've had forgotten about all the bits I used to do about, you know, uh, how we're,

we're attracted to men who are on stage because of certain reasons. You'll see it in my special if you haven't. And you'll see me talk about it more if you see me on tour. Um, but I went on stage and I had all these bits around it that these guys that had just heard me talk in the room, they were like, you just like took that up there.

And like, and I go, no, I was like running bits with you backstage, but I wasn i was like yes yeah like just telling them what i've learned and i feel like you can you can apply that to if you know you're a boss bitch in your job like you're you know you're you're above someone in your job and you're you're doing meetings and you're talking like this in the meeting like a guy might want to fuck you like a fun fuck, but would be afraid to marry that. And it's the same exact concept.

You on stage as a woman giving a Microsoft PowerPoint presentation like a badass in a pantsuit where you'd want to fuck in the office. But would you necessarily want to marry? You can't deny. Like I when I realized when I'm up there and you're absolutely right. You can go. That's a hot woman. Like I look hot. You you know there's no denying i my legs are out i look it's like you know mtv awards i looked you had a sharon stone sexual vibe the thing is if men get turned laughing you're part of your brain that laughs and where you're like like and you like you know

when you laugh you can't even like hold your have you ever worked out and started laughing when you're listening to podcasts and your body kind of gets limp and it's like it's kind of like you you can't do something physically like hard like sex and also laugh laugh is like a weakening thing and sex is like a thing so if i'm on stage and men are getting corny they're not listening to what i'm saying you can't laugh and be horny maybe some people can but it's two different parts of your brain so when i'm on stage i never want to make anyone horny except maybe the comic in the back of the room that i'm trying to like stand in a sexual way for who's not even listening to me because he to cop we just drown out comedy anyway

you know yeah i love picturing you in a room full of like 50 hot men and you don't get one laugh and you're like thank God I know Well last That's so true Last night I looked at the audio Oh so I yelled at some people Talking last night I'm gonna make this so quick

I yelled at There were some people Talking really loud last night And I go Excuse me I go Hey hey hey Stop talking

You don't even hear me Because you're talking You need to stop talking It was a waitress Talking to the table Okay And I go I go

This is what has happened You guys I go Oh that's a waitress I go Still a little chatty She needs to like Hear Even though she didn okay and I go I go this is what has happened you guys I go oh that's a waitress I go still Little chatty she needs to like here Even though she didn't and I go that's what Happens I go I blur my eyes on stage everyone I go you all look like blurs because I'm scared of

Intimacy I'm scared of looking you in the eyes and I Go I'm going to unblur my eyes Are you guys ready I've never done this And so I start unblur my eyes and look I go And I believe in love at first sight so let's keep let's go Around the room and I did a really funny bit that I want to try out where I was'm blowing my eyes and look and I go and I believe in love at first sight so let's keep let's go around the room and I did a really funny bit that I want to try out where I was looking

in guys eyes and going okay let me see this no that's not it this over here gross it was killing you could say something like

back to blurry oh that's funny and back to the blur no I had it was weird to unblur which it took concerted effort because my natural state is blurred up there to protect myself but um i announced that i was on on stage i go you guys

i have a date he's waiting in the parking lot i hate this so on the way out it was so fun it was like a room with 300 people and when i left a lot of people get up to go to the bathroom in between comics and i ran into a bunch of people and they go have a good date they were like hot guys being like have fun date nikki and i was just like oh i don't want to go. And then I got in the car and had a great time. So that's the week of shows. I feel so good about how we patched every, I feel like I patched things up

with the listeners who might have been disappointed in my behavior yesterday. I'm sorry. I can't always be the best, but you make me want to be a better podcast host and friend. I love you, Andrew.

And I'm perfect. Okay, I didn't get back, but that's part of the course of my life. I love you, too. You guys, we will see. I love you. Thanks. I love you, babe. Okay, that's.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like how your dad would always say. Yeah, okay. You can say babe if you say it the way my dad does. Yeah, I love you, babe. With your dick in your hand. Okay, I'm just kidding. Gross, gross dad.

Just kidding. Sorry. Sorry, daddy. If my dad's listening, dad, don't listen to this podcast. Okay, love you guys. Besties. Leave us voicemails. Have a great weekend.

All the 12 podcast. Okay. Love you guys. Besties. Have a great weekend. Have a great weekend. All the 12s. Yeah. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives

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