The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #360 Dead or M.I.A.? White Trash River & Shame On A Shelf

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

Your loved ones getting mad because you're MIA when you're actually dead is a thought on top of Nikki's mind. Brian's idea of bad audio is Cisco's The Thong Song, which triggers a traumatic memory for Nikki when a boy told her she had "thighs like what". Brian shares an embarrassing white trash story. Nikki reflects on her therapist's suggestion of putting her shame on a shelf but expresses her reluctance to do so. Anya and Brian tell Nikki if having a wedding was worth it. In the Final Thought, they share tips on handling insomnia, elderly passengers on planes and how Nikki tricked her mom into getting a maid. ----- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. Welcome to the show. I am joined by Brian Frangie and Anya Marina and Noah in Arizona. Brian is at his home in Los Angeles. We're all apart today, but we're together. Really, it's going to sound like we're together. How is everyone today? Good? So good. Really? So good? Just finished a song. I feel alive. Oh my God. It's a very rare feeling, but I feel accomplished. It will

fade in seven minutes. So you just finished it this morning? I just finished it like 25 minutes ago. Oh my God. Was it like due or was it just a song that was in you that you had to get out? Yeah, it's due. i rejoined my songwriting group that i've been in for the last year but i took off the last three months just because wedding planning was such hell yeah and part of me was like you know when i asked bob the leader like can i come back after the wedding i was like you're not fucking coming back girl but i did wow yeah i proved myself wrong and i turned in my song and I like it. And is it a complete song?

Do you guys ever feel that way? It's definitely like a great strong first draft. It has like three different verses. It has a bridge. It's okay. So that's a full song. Yes. Do you guys feel that way ever?

Like accomplished about anything? No. What are you talking about? No, of course. It's rare though that I know the feeling you're having right now. And I think it'll last more than, what did you say, six hours or six days? Seven minutes. Oh, you said seven minutes. I can relate to that. I mean, when I finish a cartoon and then post it, then I feel that way. And then it immediately goes away. But then someone is. I mean, no, it's like less than seven minutes.

It's like immediate. It's like, now I got to do the next one because time is going to continue to tick by and no one's going to remember you. Time goes by so slowly. I mean, social media. mean social media seven minutes to write social media does that to you more than anything is that it makes you it continually reminds you that no one will remember you because if you don't post something for like i don't know uh

20 minutes a month if you don't post something for a month people might think you're dead I was thinking today if I died how long it would take for someone to um and I'm like pretty in demand right now and I was even like I think it would take a few hours before people were like maybe she's dead you know like I think first it's funny that so many when people do die and they miss an appointment and then they miss a lunch that they were supposed to go to then they miss a zoom call at first everyone's just pissed at them and thinks they're a piece of shit but they're just like laying dead in their room you know what i mean like yeah i knew that if my today i was like if i died today my voice teacher would be like god once again she forgot our lesson like this she's really proud you know she's going through something like this is really irresponsible um it's so funny that most dead people everyone's mad at them the first couple

hours they're dead they're so embarrassing for at what point do you think your friends would start wondering if you had been abducted or like you were in danger and or like locked in a car or in some kind of peril i think it's if if we didn't see nikki responding to anything on the girls chat and like i would say 24 hours yeah i'd be suspicious but sometimes my life is going so badly i don't want to be on the like things are just i think girls chat when I that is when you should start worrying if you're active on it but if we know you're kind of like doing your own thing

I would be suspicious for a large portion of America they wouldn't know you were dead until you made an appearance on a television show and then the credits it said in memory of Nikki Glaser that's a good that's a good point that happens to me all the time I feel like it would be I would I would have the

the front page of the Daily Mail at this age if I died tragic like there's no way if I'm dying right now it's not going to be tragic if it was just tomorrow I'd make the front page of the Daily Mail for about three hours you know the lawnmower chunks of lawnmower girl she was up there for about three hours when I saw it so I think I mean my death is not going to be more interesting than that there's just no way that's the most interesting death i've ever heard of in my life i mean never say never there have been some interesting deaths well i'm not gonna be laying outside anytime soon i don't like the sun i don't want to lay out spray tans scared of ticks the grass is itchy that's just not gonna be where you're gonna you're gonna kill me um well when lance you know lance reddick

who's that lance reddick uh he was in the john wick franchise he made an incredible appearance on uh the eric andre show um he's been in a lot of actual like prestige things too then that i didn't see but was in Fringe He was in White Man Can't Jump Just tell us what happened to him I need to know now He died And I didn't know that he died

And he was young too He was in The Wire So drugs? No I didn't see that he died Until I watched John Wick 4, incredible movie. And it said in memory of John Wick and memory of Lance Reddick at the end.

And I was like, what the fuck? And then I looked it up. He died of heart disease. He died like two weeks before the movie came out of heart disease. And it was out of nowhere. In fact, it was so out of nowhere that the family is suing like the hospital because

of they feel like there's just no way that there was undetected heart disease that suddenly killed him which unfortunately is something that happens all the time but he was like super in shape worked out all the time let's calm down here all the time is is everyone in my life right now is so scared of dying and they just keep quoting these like freak. Then this person died and no one knew they were going to die. Well, this has been happening forever, but it's so rare. You should worry about winning the lottery too and having all your friends change after that and then you go broke and homeless because you win the lottery.

Just fear of a random death or like a brain aneurysm i also i i know that i'm like i'm so lucky to not fear death like i don't it sometimes it catches up to me if i do like the wrong substances like sometimes i'll go like whoa fuck i'm gonna die fuck that's so scary but to be on a two-lane highway i don't think about death i'm just like thinking about the second before it where it's like oh fuck like that like moment like have you ever heard the september 11th when the guy's on the phone and he's like it's getting hard to breathe and he just goes no and it just cuts out and you see at times with the building crumbling and you see his floor get hit and it just goes like yeah and it's just dead like silence i can't handle this i really

can't i mean that's not that bad because people always whenever there's a reddit that's like what's the worst audio you've ever heard and they always say that one and i'm like that one doesn't get me as bad as but just yeah that that moment i don't want to that's like the fucking thing i what was that as bad as like cisco's album the thong song that's the worst audio i've ever heard i'm trying i think rfk jr talking is the worst audio i've ever heard what does that content and the way he has some kind of throat thing condition yeah whenever now that i've had um throat uh surgery and i can hear when people's vocal cords are just using them wrong, which is pretty much

my voice still. But when I hear people, I can't even do an impression of it because I'm scared I'll injure myself. That really bothers me. But he has a condition. Did you hear his last speech? Oh my God. He was like, let me see that thong.

That thong, the thong, thong, thong. I'm trying to think of the worst song I can think of. Can you believe there's a behind the music on that song? There's like a, the making of the thong. Oh yeah, I watched it. It was interesting, but I'm like, I can't believe this exists. I have a question. Do you remember when it was trendy to wear your thong over your jeans?

Did any of you partake in that no i oh my god i was never like to stick it out anything to draw attention to me being a sexual being at any point in my life except you know no no that wouldn't would you know what did you do that there's no way you did for sure no i did there was a wrestler her name is lita and she used to wear like these baggy cargo pants and her thong would stick out and I used to think that was so cool but there was no way I could pull that off yes you could you have the best ass are you insane yeah you

have the best like waist to ass ratio of anyone I know so you if anyone could pull it off you look like you had a BBL you really do you look like you had fat sucked out of your waist and put in your ass it's perfect which is a compliment yeah it's a total compliment you have a great waist to hip um but uh no yeah i do remember

that being a i just remember the first time i ever felt like uh really insulted when someone i remember i was like sitting on up on this shelf you you know, like I'm sitting up on the counter in chemistry class, like when we were waiting for the bell to ring and this guy came out to me and said, I had thighs like what? And I was like, I like cried later on that night because he was quoting that song.

And my thighs, whenever you sit as a woman, your thighs just spill into a pool that you can't control. And it makes you feel so fat no matter how thin you are and that is you know your thighs just get loose and then they just turn into a gelatinous puddle right in front of you no matter how he said you have thighs like what that's from yeah look at mickey she's got thighs like what what what maybe it was a compliment yeah yeah probably what i mean everything in that song is a compliment but i that was before white women were trying to have like thick bodies and now it's very i'm trying to be k-mos yeah me telling noah that she has a like good size

like has juice in her ass is like a compliment but back in the 2000s for a white girl to early 2000s you did not want an ass if you said someone had juice in their ass in the early 2000s that means they had to go to the hospital someone injected juice in your ass yeah it's um it it it you know body uh but now it's but now thin is getting back in so that was a little bit like on the borderline of like is that insulting to know how to tell her that because now everyone doesn't want an ass again because trends change like eyebrows thick one second thin the next yeah what is it now hip huggers um mom jeans um what is what now it's like somewhere in between there's still girls that want bbls and then there's now it's getting back into like kind of

with hip huggers coming back, twiggy style. Cause. Now what about eyebrows? Low-wissed jeans rob you of an ass. Oh, eyebrows? For like girls who are just so striking, it doesn't matter what they do.

Thin is back in. Oh really? But thick is still probably what most women are going for is like a more full brow. Yeah. I don't know. I still fill mine in.

I'm not going thin anytime soon. The thick brow, I feel like, is a recent thing. Like, I feel like it's like Emily in Paris

is when thick brow became popular. And they're falling away again. Wow. Like, centipede brows. Brooke Shields,

when she was a child and pedophilia was like, it isn't just the hottest new thing. I mean, she was considered the most beautiful child slash young lady.

Was she 13? Disgusting. But her brows were thick and then there was a study that came out that said that men actually are genetically, biologically attracted to a woman of full brows because it indicates fertility. Really? Yeah, that's everything. Anything men are attracted to is an indicator of fertility.

Always. Juice in the ass. Juice in the ass. Yeah. Probably. Childbearing hips. Tiny waist. Because first of all, you can't get pregnant if you're underweight.

And so the idea that men are attracted to waif like... Yes. Men aren't. Gay men and women like waif. And they set the style standard, you know vogue what's who's that mean bitch from vogue and the one that never smiles and has a horrible haircut anna winter yeah she's the one she's she's setting what the standard for beauty is and she's you know that that she's not a man who wants to get any woman pregnant so but i think generally men were never into there's some men that are into it that

are into the waif look like last night i was goonin you're back to goonin i'm back on it because i got my trick man you can just smile and it goes away. Wow. How long? I went probably like 35 minutes last night. Oh, that's good. And then I did another set for about 30. Yeah. I was bored last night. I had nothing to do.

How much of a break between? Probably like three hours. Two or three hours. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah. So it's different than a guy. I would never go twice in a night. That's like not, I would never ever do that.

It's never happened for me in my life, but I have nothing to do right now in my life. Or I do have a ton. There's like desperate emails that are waiting to be responded to. So I have, yeah. I'm going in. You should just put your email signature,

change your email signature to I'm going in, like an out of office reply. Yeah. I mean mean i was doing a lot of that last night and so um but there was uh there was a whole genre of um men fucking anorexic girls because i clicked on one video where the girl was kind of thin and um just because i liked all the other content in it but it happened to be like this guy and it said anorexic girl in the you know she was an anorexic i like i could tell i was like no she's just a thin woman but like i was like oh my god as soon as i clicked on that all the videos underneath it that i suggest is like

a barrage of anorexic porn it's crazy yeah and i was just like and then i was like looking at them i'm like god i could never enjoy watching this because i know these women are just so hungry there's no way when you're hungry hungry for that dick no they're not there's no way because when you're hungry that's the number one thing you think about you know victor frankl in that um man's search for meaning the book about his time and the holocaust that's also on nikki bingo oh it's not okay never mind no but it's 9-11 i think probably is i didn't mention columbine yet but he even says in the book and so i'm not trying to be gross here he's like people sometimes ask like we were all naked all the time and we were living amongst each other in these bunks was were you guys like banging and he's like no because we

were starving you don't think anything sexual when you're starving. There's nothing else you care about because you can't even make babies when you're starving. So what's the point of wanting to have sex? Your body is number one. We got to get some fat on our bodies. Then we can conceive. So, um,

yeah, I don't understand the, the, the anorexic sub genre, but people are into fucking everything on there. And I just was surprised at it. And I felt really bad for these women because I like to watch porn where the woman is having a good time

and enjoying herself or so it seems she's a good enough actress. And I just knew these girls were just like thinking about when they could eat next. And I just knew that they weren't having a good time. That's the only porn that I know for a fact

the girl isn't having a good time. Or maybe she is because she's distracted by the dick so she's not, you know, obsessed with food. Yeah, and she'll probably have a nice meal at the end of it. No. No, anorexics do never let themselves have a meal.

And if it is, it's like a head of iceberg lettuce and it's no fun, like dipped in mustard and it's no fun. Whenever I watch anorexic porn, I just imagine there's like a chicken parm meal off camera. Right off camera? Yeah, ready to go.

There's just like tasty delight in the corner. Locale. Peanut butter flavor. You just made me remember something from a time when I was not anorexic, but I was very thin. I was super depressed. I had had a terrible breakup. I was smoking like a chimney. I was so sad all the time.

Oh, I like that. And I remember getting a mani-pedi. And this woman, a Vietnamese lady, was asking me all these questions. Always the same questions. Like, you know Mary? I'm like, no, I'm not married. And she's like, you look sick. I'm like, I do?

She's like, men don't like that it's like i'll never forget her telling me you look sick i'm like i'm not and she goes you look sick men don't like that they can't help it but if you want some honesty go get your nails done yeah what have you been told at the salon why you old lady hands oh yeah louis ck i was listening to his special this past weekend like the latest not the latest one but the one from 2021 where he kind of references his um you know jerking off in front of women but anyway um he was talking about he does you know he's talking about going to a sushi restaurant and she's like you finish and he's like and by the way yes i'm gonna do the accent

because it would sound insane if i was like and she came up and said you finish like like if he didn't do he was like that would just sound crazy and i i like that like when is it inappropriate to do the accent when is it not he us get away with anything because let us do asian accents again please i was reluctant but i just had to like it what is the problem that's if it's i don't know i'm i'm kind of okay this is i thought of if it sounds like then why can't you do an impression of it there's a song uh i made up i used to sing this to my dog because he had these treats called i can't even do this i used to sing this to my dog because he had these treats called i can't even do this i can't do this on this is a cancel we're not gonna make you no

no this is a cancel thing i won't make you yeah but there was this song i would sing to uh my dog because uh there was this treats called lamb lung have you ever had lamb lung oh god is that what it is it's lamb lung it's dried lamb lung and um well it's not it's not wasted it's good because it doesn't waste but um i would sing a song for my dog whenever it's time because it's telling you what it is i like anything that's honest okay lamb lung anyway i would sing it and then at a certain point not after it wasn't my fault but at a certain point it would sound like I was impersonating an Asian person. Because Lam Long already kind of sounds like some kind of Asian, Asiatic language.

Yes. So I would sing the song. And don't they do L's instead of R's or something? So it sounds like you're saying Ram Ram. Or no, never mind. Anyway, this is canceled i don't want to get canceled but i would sing the song and then at a certain point there was a threshold or as like i think this song just became racist but it starts off not racist it's just like lamb

long lamb long but then at a certain point it starts to sound racist and so i think that's the threshold we're all in search of. Anyway, can we please delete this? No, you don't need to delete it. You have said nothing wrong. But there is that thought of like, when is it honest and when is it racist? Like if you're doing an impression of someone who is speaking broken English in an Asiatic accent,

are you, and you're nailing it, are you doing, are you And you're nailing it Are you doing Are you You know Are you telling the story More authentically Or are you being racist Here's a question What if

So like my dad's Life partner We'll answer this When we get back Because we have to go to break Okay What is your dad's Life partner

Yes She's Asian Yes My dad's life partner Is Chinese And she has a thick Chinese accent If I did a stand up joke

Where I You know Frequently people Reference their parents or step-parents if I referenced her and I wanted to impersonate her is that allowed?

No. Depends. Unless you're Louis C.K. and you've already been cancelled and you don't give a fuck like that is what I will say that's what's great about listening to Louis C.K.

is that there is no trying to be PC at all. Yeah. It's once you're canceled, like, he just has no fear anymore, so it's kind of nice.

And I don't think he's inherently a horrible person. I think he's a narcissist and, you know, I think he's, but I don't think he can help that,

you know? And I don't think he's totally showed enough, Remorse. He's kind of still, yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. But he's also free to say whatever the fuck he wants and there was some freedom in that. So I don't know.

We'll talk about anything else but this when we get back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more

from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. So we talked about how long we think it would be until... Well, Anya, you live with someone and so do you, Noah. So they would discover you dead quicker than...

And so do you, Brian. So you would be... You have partners. That's why we have partners is that so if we die, people know sooner than before we start to smell. Yeah. Like we were talking about yesterday, we lived in villages. We were all connected. We had many people around us that knew our whereabouts.

Yes. But it is funny to me that people would be mad at you at first. Frequently it's like a neighbor. And then they feel so bad. Huh? A neighbor will smell you. Yeah. There was one time one of my neighbors died and it just stank.

You'll never forget that smell, right? That's the smell that they always talk about. The smell of death. I've never smelled a dead body. Have you guys? Besides Brian? I have on the subway. I told a story on the podcast before.. I've never smelled a dead body. Have you guys? Besides Brian? I have on the subway. I told a story on the podcast before.

Oh, yeah. Saw a stiff body. Do you know this? Can you conjure the smell right now in your head? Has it stayed with you? Well, I wonder if Brian has the same memory. It's kind of like this... It smelled like a really potent chemical,

as if I mixed ammonia with something else. Oh. Yeah, I mean, I guess, I don't really know what that would smell like, but that sounds okay. It didn't smell like garbage. It just smelled like a really bad chemical. Have you smelled a dead mouse ever?

Yes, for sure. That smell, I couldn't get out of my head for months once, finding a dead mouse. I remember something is awry and then I turned into like a hound dog like sniffing around my apartment just like sniffing under the TV and I was like

it's under here and I lifted up the TV and there was a dead mouse. I can't handle dead animals. Except when it's in winter. Like if you had to remove a dead animal. Yeah. I don't mind it. I mean I'm sad that they died because the mouse always looks like oh they always look like they were in they kind of die in the look of pain that they were in

and it makes me so sad but um i don't mind death as much as i mind suffering so as long as they're not like still twitching i don't care um but you don't want to touch a dead animal because of like the disease that's possibly within it is that that, it's probably smart of you. I think that's what it is. I don't know why I just get so emotional. Like sometimes we'll have birds fly into the window of our house. I know.

And then they're just, they're dead. And I just like, every time I look down and I see them, I just scream and I run away. And then I ask Avi to take care of it. I just couldn't. I will say that when I'm driving down the road, I have a similar thing where if I see roadkill coming up, I put my hand up and I block it until it goes.

But I'm more scared of, yeah, I guess I'm just scared of seeing a cat's head twisted. And I just think about the asshole who probably tried to hit it. And I don't think that happens all the time, but I have been in the car with people in high school. I'm not going to name names, but one of them's in our girls' chat who tried to hit it and i don't think that happens all the time but i have been in the car with people in high school i'm not gonna name names but one of them's in our girls chat who tried to hit a squirrel and i remember being like i can't be friends with this person anymore and she's since changed and she's horrified when i told her of that story she was like no i didn't i'm like do you think i would make that up do you think i would want you to want to hit a squirrel

but i remember you trying to go for it and not in like I'm a serial killer way I think she was just full of teen angst and like she lacked the wherewithal of every teenager yeah she wasn't we don't think of and as a teenager you're not think you're not as compassionate no and um I was trying to dumb shit you did as a teen I yeah i mean i drove drunk so many times as a team and drunk yes what about later on yeah definitely that too but um yeah yeah i did not drive i never understand tell me this okay so you and your past have driven drunk no one's gonna come after you statute of limitations it's way past okay and we're all joking on here so anything could be taken as satire and you're not actually talking about your past but say you did drive drunk in your past why the fuck would you drive erratically whenever i

had had maybe any kind of alcohol in me even if it was below the limit i am driving like a student driver on her driver's test i am i'm driving too cautiously who are these maniacs you had a death wish i'm guessing i have you ever had this thing where you drive so well and then you drop someone off and the second you're alone in the car you just start driving like a maniac or you're like a little more reckless it was that it was like i lived on a mountain up you've never been to the house where i grew up but i lived up a windy road in Northern California. I understand, okay, if there's no cops around. But also, like, you're, yes, so you're in the privacy of your own weird mountain.

I get that. Oh, yeah. And you're just like, I know how to take these turns. I don't need to follow the lines. I don't need to stay within this. And it's two in the morning. Oh, yeah. I just remember thinking, you're insane.

I've been doing that every night. where did you grow up what was the town cupertino oh cupertino oh right right right the apple the apple icon yeah so like the santa cruz mountains and like the the mountain ranges there they're all kind of like windy there's no lights and the kids are crazy up there yeah yeah so i learned to drive up there but i i definitely did some reckless things in my past that are embarrassing but i never tried to intentionally crush a squirrel beneath will you tell us my car i mean i would i would i always got drunk at this bar like uh probably a quarter mile a half a mile tops from my apartment and i would definitely oh and there was one time i remember being oh man i'll i don't even want to talk about

it because it's i'm so mad at myself it's way worse than trying to hit a squirrel but i had precious cargo in my in my car and people i love very much and who were depending on me to drive. And I was wasted and drove so far. And I was actually seeing Louis C.K. that night at Stanford and Sons in 2000, probably four or five. And I got so drunk at this show. And then I had to drive home. And I remember thinking, this is it.

Like, you never get to do this again and I never did it again I never I mean after that I think I drove maybe with like where it was questionably over the limit but um and that is that is really why I quit drinking it's actually why I moved to New York or um out of I didn't go back to Los Angeles I left Los Angeles in 2009 I was drinking a ton always making that quarter mile drive back and forth there was this was before uber and I couldn't afford cabs and all my friends were wasted too I mean excuses excuses I should have walked I mean this is horrifying for me to even relive but um nobody walks in LA no and it would have to be under this like overpass where a bunch of homeless people were camped out even back then they were ahead of the the trend that is now on every corner here but um i i remember thinking i'm gonna get a

dui and i used to hear the stories like it's just it's not a matter of if it's a matter of when so if you keep doing this it will happen you will get caught and i didn't have ten dollars to my name let alone ten thousand dollars that i knew it would instantly deprive me of and and the disappointment of my family it was all looming and I knew it was going to happen so when I moved back home to St. Louis I um I just had friends drive me everywhere I was not drunk I don't remember drunk driving in St. Louis maybe because I was blackout and don't remember it but I do remember going to New York being like I this is where I'm going to be safe and not, I can't drive here and I can't bring my car. And I remember being like, yes,

now I can just drink with abandon because that thing that's always looming is not anymore. But that's where I ended up quitting drinking. I'm so glad. Now when I get pulled over, I feel, I remember the first time getting pulled over after I had quit drinking. I was excited because I was like there's nothing

to worry about if i did anything wrong it's that i broke i like you know did it stop fully at a stop sign or i'm speeding 10 miles over the limit i'm not drunk driving which is the most horrible thing you can possibly most selfish horrible thing you could ever ever do and i just felt like good pull me over i'm doing nothing wrong it felt so good and then one, good, pull me over. I'm doing nothing wrong. It felt so good. And then one time this cop pulled me over and he said it smelled like beer

and I had not been drinking. I said, I have a diet A&W in the fucking console and he made me get out and do a sobriety test on the side of the road in the middle of the day

in North Hollywood. That was when I was back in LA. It was so embarrassing. So embarrassing. You're like, it's a dead mouse that sits in the back of my car just my breath um that's an emotion that only only us whites can feel i was just thinking

is being happy that we get pulled over i mean honestly i have nothing to fear yeah i understand my privilege with that statement but yeah when if you're not drinking like you've so many less worries in life like there's no waking up and being like who did i text there's no it's just so much worry evaporates also more cash anxiety or like in your wallet oh and all the money that you save but all you are saying you stop going the girls are here like you have no enthusiasm ever again the rest of your life for any time someone you like

enters a bar you'll never one time be like look who's here like you'll never care as much as you did when you're drunk so there's things I miss

yeah it's harder to be intimate with people all those things there are things that you go oh this kind of sucks and you have to get used to but in terms of all the anxiety,

you feel like a void of anxiety. You almost look for things to make you anxious because you're so free of them. But I always say the most embarrassing thing is being cheated on. Even John Mulaney, I was listening to a lot of stand-up this weekend to be inspired,

and John Mulaney had a bit about when you're drunk, when you get sober sober you lose the best excuse in the world which is i was wasted and and you get out of everything i mean it's embarrassing but at least you're like oh that wasn't me and people kind of give you a get out of fridge but you know jail free card and um but then when you quit like you just have to be like no i just i'm loud and obnoxious sorry you know whatever he said but i used to have the bit of um when someone you cheat on someone as long as the person's drunk you can go like they were drunk you know like we all if you've been drunk you know you do things that you it's not like your true self comes out like

you just do stupid stuff i think in some cases yes your true self comes out. You just do stupid stuff. I think in some cases, yes, your true self comes out and you get to do things that you secretly really want to do. But I think a lot of people make horrible mistakes that they would never make sober when they're drunk and you get to excuse it. But if someone gets cheated on, you're like, John, you cheated on me? And you're like, well, how wasted were you?

And he's like, I was sober. You're like, oh, you just hate me. Oh, you just have no respect for me like getting cheated on when the person is sober has got to feel so much worse than if they're drunk you could always blame your your mental health anya raises her hand yeah it happened to me did you that's when i learned he was drunk did you have that moment of like but you were drunk right and he's like no yeah i was like you were doing this in the afternoon on a Sunday? But then I learned like, oh, sex addiction is its own thing.

It's so strange. It's like, you hate what you're doing. You're compelled to do this many times more than anyone would need to do it with people you can't stand so it's like oh it's a true addiction which i i don't really like i've always rolled my eyes at sex addiction like come on are you really but then you meet people that really are how can you you relate to like eating something that you're like i'm not even hungry this is disgusting i don't want it it's in the trash i'm eating it it's such a thing you hear all the time

like comics being like really sucks addiction it's not a thing i know what it bothers me because i really do think it's a thing it's first of all sex gives you i i shouldn't have masturbated twice last night but i was bored and i needed some dopamine and i was like craving you know i didn't want to eat so i was like i'll just come you know like it's the same kind of shoots off things in your brain that make you feel real good yeah but you could be addicted to anything i mean you could i'm you know you could be addicted to i mean obviously like gambling and stuff but you could be addicted to just like uh you'd be able to exercise there's everything in i do think that there there is like a slippery slope here of Diagnostic

Diagnosing everything that's just human behavior Like oh you hit your wife a lot That's because you're addicted to hitting You know it's like That could Anything could be Excused by mental health Which is

You know It's a slippery slope I don't know I'm not going to speak to it very much more than that. Well, if you read No Free Will, if you read Free Will, everything is your mental condition. Everything is things firing in your brain

that you have no control over. So you can always have that excuse. Like the example he gives that I always like to give is when that one guy, there was a mass shooter in Texas in like the 40s that went up to like a clock tower and just picked off a bunch of people. And everyone was like, how could he do this? And then he killed himself.

Like, I think he died like, you know, somehow he died where his brain was still intact. And then they opened up his brain to go, what was going on with this guy? And they found a fucking tumor on some part of his brain. And they go, oh, my God, he didn't want to do this. This wasn't his fault. He had a tumor. This was an external thing this wasn't from in him but if you look at anything you do ever well we go to pick up a box of crackers where you go you the way you lay your head on a pillow anything that you think is the way you chose your partner it's all chemicals in

your brain firing that you have no choice of so So why do we let that guy off the hook? Because he had a tumor. Okay. Everything in your brain is something that you do not control. And it's all things firing that you have zero control over. That is the essential argument there. Well, I agree. Mental illness or not tumor or not your brain's doing things you can't control. That's just existence is if you just if you eliminate that's just the the central tenet of existence that everything is in your brain's doing things you can't control that's just existence is if you just if you eliminate that's just the the the central tenet of existence that everything is in your brain that your brain is you but the thing i don't like about it is when you you use that to um to let people off the hook as opposed to what you just said which is saying everyone's responsible for what they're doing despite the fact that you don't have control over anything because of your brain but yeah i don't want not responsible no you get

punished for things to set an example to society because although humans do not choose what goes on in their brain your brain is something that's operating in order for you to survive at optimally now there are anomalies that happen that make you do things that will increase your chance for not surviving but that's like you know um those are rare things that are happening in your brain that like if you do something stupid like drunk drive like that's not optimally surviving like you're you're there's a substance you're introducing that's making your brain not work now if you um if if we if we then put people in jail who murder we're the real reason to do it is not to punish them because they couldn't really help that they murdered. Even though you think they can, their brain did a thing and they can't help it.

And it seems like they chose it. That's why we have like, you know, first degree murder or second, like we have degrees of it because it's like first degree means you chose it and you planned it and you Googled all this stuff. Them Googling, they didn't have, they were always gonna do it, okay? So that's how I believe. But Sam Harris's point is that we punish these people because we, our brains, see that punishment and go, well, I don't wanna spend my life in prison, so I will adapt and the firings in my brain

will adapt to avoid that behavior because at most, you're still an organism that's trying to survive and your brain is still trying to keep you alive so we punish people to set an example but we don't punish people to actually go you are bad shame on you which we do do but we shouldn't be doing that it should only be as to protect people because this person's obviously mentally ill and they make bad decisions and they they're going to drink again they're going to drink again. They're going to drink. So we need to protect them from society. But to punish someone,

that's why the death penalty is kind of stupid because this person couldn't help that they were deeply abused as a child or whatever led them to be the person they are. But isn't the death penalty also a deterrent? Like society will fear getting into those kinds of crimes. But we also would fear spending our life in prison. So why do you got to make a death?

If you believe in studies, studies show that the death penalty does not deter crimes from being happened. That's what the studies have shown. I would love to be put to death if I was given life in prison. Who wouldn't? Why would you ever want to spend your life in prison?

I'm spending my life right now in this place I'm staying at where I kind of feel trapped in for myriad reasons that i'll get into it another time but i just feel like i can't really leave i feel and i my mental health is fucking plummeting because i'm in like a room with not a lot of lighting i just went outside when we had 10 minutes to spare and i just walked around on the grass and like did grounding and like was in the sun because i was like oh i'm starting to um my cells are starting to die because i haven't gotten enough sunlight recently i've been sitting on my ass too much that's why i'm sitting on the floor i'm just like trying to get near the ground um but yeah i would wouldn't would you guys rather be life in prison or put to death if i was on death row um i would i would want that meal baby

i'd be waiting for that meal and i don't think they're gonna nail the meal for you isn't that weird that we like show one do they really like if you want some fucking meal that you had when you were a kid do they go to that fast food restaurant in destin florida and find it for you and have it overnighted? No. I doubt it. It's like cold donuts. No, you probably get to choose from like a pizza or whatever you had

for lunch yesterday. Like there's no last meal. If I had friends though in jail and I was like getting a degree, I'd want to be kept alive. Yeah, you could become a librarian. But you'd never get out. Yeah, I want to hang out

with my friends, my jail friends and if I was safe that's a good point but if I was like constantly in danger and like you're gonna get shanked

or raped just put me to death but I'm scared of the electric chair I'll be honest well it's not I don't think that's how they do it it's usually with like much anymore

except in like really backward states yeah they do drugs that like don't really work and the person's just like like frothing at the mouth and they have to like inject more guillotine was invented because they were looking for a more humane way to kill people and the guillotine is probably what i would want because

it's not as like horrible as like having your head shot or like hanging's got to be the fucking worst oh yeah then you're oh boy why people when people kill themselves that way i'm just you know i always say i don't have a gun in my possession because i just don't trust my brain to like not use that someday to do something horrible to myself um even though i don't think i'd do it i just that would be a way in which i would probably choose to do that if i had to let's say the world was ending and someone put a gun to my head to put a gun to my head i would probably put a gun to my head but um but i i'm not someone who's like i can't have rope in my house like i have many hands i could hang myself with in this room and i thought about that the other day i'm like why

would i never have a gun in my room because it's too immediate i would never um and when i hear about these people who hang themselves i just think how fucking horrible that it's just please don't do that to yourself ever anyone and i hear that it's most of a lot of the times people who hang themselves are really trying to auto uh erotic asphyxiate yeah it's a mistake they're goon and they're going on there's a lot of things you can use to kill yourself i mean it doesn't have to be aonin'. There's a lot of things you can use to kill yourself. I mean, it doesn't have to be a rope. There's a lot of medicine that you could use. You could crush up cherry pits.

Kill yourself with that. I mean, it's so easy to die. My dad can come over and help you out. Your dad can come over and have some mixed nuts. I mean... Oh my god. Anyway, I did something really embarrassing. Going back to the embarrassing thing.

Oh yeah. It's maybe to lighten the mood a little. anyway I did something really embarrassing going back to the embarrassing thing oh yeah to maybe lighten the mood a little I did something really embarrassing in college that I lived next to this girl who I had a crush on in college I was in a house and there was a house next to us and

everyone's it's really weird living have you ever lived next door to someone you have a crush on it's really weird living have you ever lived next door to someone you have a crush on it's really it's that would be my dream i know well you think you're like constantly gonna run into them but then it like doesn't happen for like weeks and what about you or your wife she's in the next room you guys don't share a bedroom that you have a crush on i know crushes why can't you have a crush on your spouse it's always just like oh hi like you used to be like obsessed with her and like you know whatever okay so you're living next to a crush it would be my dream i don't think i've ever i've never done that

i live next have you ever found a dead spouse pick it up by sorry um i love my spouse i hope she lives longer than me. Anyway, I was living next door to my crush, and there was a big rainstorm. And next to my house was like a drainage river. You know like one of those rivers that's like filled with trash most of the time, but it's still a river? Is it a wash?

It was like a wash? It was a real river. It was called the Jordan River in Bloomington, Indiana. And it was a river. It's since been Jordan River in Bloomington Indiana and it was it was a river it's since been cemented over this portion of the river it was just like a ditch it was a part of the river that was like a ditch filled with

trash but it rained so much that it was flowing like crazy and I saw my roommate was outside just looking at the river and then my crush came out of her house and she went out to look at the river. And everyone was marveling at how amazing the river was. And so I came out and I was like, this is like a white trash fantasy romantics river of garbage.

It gets much more white trashy. So I go out and I like, oh, this is my chance to impress my crush. So I walk out with an empty keg because we had like a party recently. I had an empty keg and I went. And you threw it into the river? No, worse. I said, I'm going to ride this keg down the river.

No, wait, wait, no. Because you were so desperate for attention from her yeah i was like hey look at me i'm fun i'm exciting who i'm what am i gonna do i take the keg it's so dangerous i know i straddle the keg like a horse and i jump into the river yeah i straddle the keg like a horse i see like the keg is a horse not like you are the horse yes yeah i put the keg on top of me like i like i'm a horse no i straddle the keg like a horse and i jump into the river and i start flowing down i'm like oh my god and i instantaneously just it you can't control yourself on it it's not like a no you thought it would be like a cartoon of a guy that's just bobbing up and down,

riding this thing perfectly down the river. Yes. I'm riding down the river. I immediately flop over and I scrape my leg against like some trash, like a shopping cart or something. The keg squirts away. It just rushes down the river and I climb out of the river bleeding. My leg is gashed and bloody.

Oh my God, I have a vaginal wink. And I'm like, help. Anya's winking. Help. Help me. And the crush is like, is horrified. What did you imagine happening like in your in your mind did you like think at all before this like did you have a fantasy of what she would think i was thinking the same thing your friend was thinking when she tried to run over

that squirrel which is nothing oh nothing i was like i was like 19 or whatever, and I thought that this girl would be so impressed by my adventurous spirit that she would immediately see that I was the one that she should be banging. And keg boy. You just crawled out of the river like a wet, bleeding rat. I crawled out of the river bleeding. Help me. I said, help me. Thank God you didn't die. I mean, you could have drowned. Anything could have happened. I said, help me. Thank God you didn't die. I mean, you could have drowned.

Anything could have happened. I could have, yeah. College kids are so dumb. The more likely thing that could have happened, which I'm surprised it didn't, was I could have gotten an infection. This is a filthy, trash-filled river, and I just cut myself on a rusty shopping cart, probably.

How did I not get an infection? You couldn't just talk to her maybe even like brush your like shoulders together to be like wow look at that and like pointed at something and your shoulders would touch and she would feel a rush and she would like be excited and you could have just like stood next to her instead you like hurled yourself into this i'm gonna ride this cake down the river catastrophe do that all the time guys that like you do dumb shit all the time that's the opposite of what you want them to do you're like just touch me or talk to me but instead they're like drinking with their friends or like standing on a table or that guy who jumped off the end of that

boat and died yes oh yeah maybe he was trying to impress a girl that's not so far off and my boyfriend chris was very um he was like he used it as an example recently of how we see things so differently he's like i would have been that guy in high school and it wouldn't have been to impress girls it would have been to like be the fun guy and you would have had this story about me forever if i was trying to impress a girl but i wasn't i'm like but you were trying to impress men what's the fucking difference like you're trying to be like a fun guy he's like no i would have just done it for fun i'm like what's the fucking different you know come on and that guy probably was trying to impress girls who everything we do is for the opposite sex and to get love and protection

from people and acceptance why else would you jump off a boat into shark infested waters um you were trying to come off as the fun guy was this like a persona that you were trying to pursue for a while like i'm the fun guy was was there like maybe someone you were admiring that was more like this was this during the time of Jackass? Did you feel like those guys were getting laid a lot or something? I was just a different person at this age in college. Freshman, sophomore year. This was before the pains came. This is the big difference.

I was a different guy filled with hope and joy. If you don't know, Brian is in chronic pain, everyone. Yeah. And it ebbs and flows and but before this time i was like i was filled with hope and optimism and i and energy and honestly like a little bit too much a little bit too much and the pains kind of put me in a a median place that was more acceptable to society but also not worth the pain but back then i would do all sorts of things to be like i'm the crazy wild guy or i'm here to have fun or on the tough and also i was a new yorker coming i was a new yorker coming to indiana and so everyone viewed me to show them like yeah new york was about yeah everyone was like do you do you ride

a taxi to school and i was like no but but i was like the tough new yorker guy even though i never i like maybe got into one fight in high school was this who you really were were you trying to adopt an identity back then and like figure out the kind of person you were like was that the person you wanted to be because i think we all relate to i was um or do you think it was really who you were the one thing that i'm very proud of that i stand by that has been a a consistency throughout my life is that i've always been the the funny guy like the guy that tried to make people laugh and i i i really appreciate that i always knew that about myself that that's what i wanted to do. And that was my like passion or whatever. I'm so jealous of that.

Yeah. Because I'm not, I did not relate to being the funny one until I started doing this as a career. And now it's like, you're the funny one and I'm just not. And people expect me, I think to be all the time.

And I can be, cause I can, I'm very harsh and people find that to be funny. I can be honest and blunt, but I was never going for the joke, trying to make people laugh. And I was listening to Tim Dillon's podcast this weekend and he said that he at one point realized he wasn't going to be hot and he's not dumb. He says he's this podcast that he did this weekend with Annie Letterman. He's just saying like,

hot and dumb are the best things to be in life you want you don't want to be hot and smart because if you're hot and smart you know you want people to take you seriously but they're not going to and you know they're not and you know that but if you're hot and dumb you're that's the best you could ever be as hot and dumb and um and he makes a really good argument for it but he said that he wishes if he could be reborn he would just focus on looking hot and um and just doing enough drugs to make him stupid and his life would be great he just has to work out a ton and eat well and just focus on being hot don't read don't educate yourself just lean into the gym and

your appearance and that's it and you'll have the happiest life possible and i think he's on to something but then he said that at one point he chose i'm gonna be the funny and that's it. And you'll have the happiest life possible. And I think he's onto something, but then he said that at one point he chose, I'm going to be the funny one. That's going to be my personality. And I don't think I ever chose that. I don't think that that was, I'm trying to think of who I tried to be in. And I think in college I tried to be maybe the funny one,

but it wasn't even like, like it was a funny one. I was just like trying to, I've always just tried to be the nice one that people want to be friends with. I think that's the person I was always trying to be so it's comedy like you just honed a skill and became so good at it that it was just like well i'm gonna do this all the time i'm just so good i knew i was a good writer i got a five on the ap english exam oh that was like that was the moment i was like because my teacher even she was the one that when september 11th happened during her class and i was

like what's the world trade center and she goes you don't know what the world trade center she like really was furious that i was such an idiot and she just never really was that big of a fan of me and then i was one of the only kids to get a five on the ap english exam the and she's the one that gets the test results and calls you and i remember her being very upset that i got a five and other people didn't and her just being very shocked and like you got a five and everyone was kind of surprised but then that was she sounds cool yeah she was she was you think you were cheating she was uh she was scary I really gravitate towards women who are terrifying and don't seem to like me and I try to win them over and then

that's why I get a five on the exam you know and but I remember that getting a five on that exam was a huge moment for me of like it validated something that i needed i was actually extremely exceptional at something and that proved it whether or not it did like i could have just had a test grader that day who got was hung over and impressed by one sentence i said you know like who knows what gave me that five in literature as in life what in literature as in life. What? In literature as in life. Is that a phrase? Or is that a famous quote?

It's just a dumb common phrase that everyone starts their stupid high school essays with. Oh, I've never heard it before. No, sorry. I thought everyone would have heard it and then laughed knowingly, but no one did. So we can cut that out. Let's talk about more of this

when we get back of like these identities we choose and pursue because yeah, I just realized that was a formative moment for me. So more on this when we get back of these identities we choose and pursue. Because, yeah, I just realized that was a formative moment for me. So more on this when we get back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere

else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You are better than this than everyone. Does anyone else feel like they wanted that moment of being the best at something? I am a three Enneagram and that is one of the major points of being a three is that you base your self-worth off of how you're perceived by others. But I don't know how you wouldn't do that. What the fuck else are you basing it off of?

Other than an audience interpersonal relationships acceptance service but that's still other people love still other people well self love is not but like what else would you base your self-worth off of rather than if your family thinks you're special your friends think you're special as being special like what else would there be your own personal happiness utilitarianism yeah what the fuck just being useful i wanted to be the best figure skater right and then until i got cut and then i got cut in the calf and it stopped my career but i definitely had a competitive streak for sure but i also had one of the best? No, and I knew it. And that's what, I think that's a quality I've always had

is I'm like, I guess I know I'm not the best, but I still am going to pursue things. What makes you pursue things despite knowing you can't be the best? Because that really, I'm not trying to sound... Because I knew I had other talents. I was like, I'm a graceful figure skater. I'm not like this strong chick that ended up cutting my leg open.

Tanya? Her name was, God, it was Tanya. It wasn't Tanya. She looked like Tanya Harding. Okay, so you got Nancy Kerrigan, but it was by accident. She didn't like pay Jeff Gillooly to do it. Right, right. It was by accident.

She didn't even know Jeff Gillooly. And she looked like tanya but i she had she was a powerhouse and this is the theme in my life like wanting to be the powerhouse but knowing i'm not that i'm like graceful and maybe like slightly wafey but i have a certain talent like i was the graceful skater that could do like little frilly things but i wasn't like like triple axel you know did you do it or were you was it once you realized that you had this other thing did you lean into that i wanted to be first place i wanted to have the gold medal and then i couldn't figure out why i was always getting like bronze and silver i mean

this is in like rinky dink competitions and then And then eventually I'm like, I guess I'm just not that great. Like you would see, they'd show videotapes of your performances back to back with the other girls. And I was like, I see what I am. I was like slower and just not as powerful. But, you know, I had my own thing. That is where you see something that you cannot describe is when you watch dancers next to each other. And you just like, they're all doing the same routine. They they're all great they're all at the top level of dancing you know you watch these tiktoks i don't know if you guys do but i i like watching dancing on reels i don't do tiktok

but um when i say tiktok just know i'm talking about reels i'm not lying i really don't go on tiktok but i'm not all whatever it doesn't matter so when i'm watching these reels you just gravitate towards certain dancers and you go, what? Sometimes I try to figure out what are they doing that the person right next to them is not doing where I'm watching them. And it's not that they're more beautiful.

Sometimes they're not. There's one woman that's stunning, perfect body, everything going for her. And then there's a woman that is not any of those things and she is bringing something else to it. And you go go what is it and i sometimes can't even grasp onto it and um that's uh that's always really fun for me to see that because it does make you realize there's just little micro movements or like little little

things that um are just born inside you that you can't even choose to do that make you special it's like kim kard Kim Kardashian said on a recent episode of the Kardashians, which was trying to choose between the 90s archived crystal Dolce dress that was very classic versus what her stylist wanted her to wear, which was like this plasticky like pleather, I don't know what it was, but she's like, no, no, no, don't wear the old thing.

Like wear this new, you want to do something new and fresh and modern. And Kim's like, I can't explain it. I feel so good in this one. I just feel so myself and confident. And like, I like how I walk. And her stylist was like, no, you want to pick the new one, this pleather. And you could just tell by the way she walked, she was not comfortable in this new uncomfortable thing. I think it's what makes you feel sexy. Well, what about when you're writing a song and you're trying to maybe go for, you're trying to push yourself to maybe do something outside what's your comfort zone. So we always say like, trust your gut. But then there are other times where you have to push yourself into an uncomfortable position

where this is something that you wouldn't normally do, but I'm going to go outside my comfort zone. When is which? There's always an argument for either one. Or stick to what feels good and what feels natural. And then there's times where people go, no, you need to challenge yourself and that's how you grow. Which is it? I think there's a-

You gotta be having fun. Yes. There's a, in the talent code, it says that there's like a range that's like just five percent outside your comfort zone that you need to be in but if you go too far out of your comfort zone then disaster will strike so that's that's i don't know if that applies to just like being generally comfortable or not but like i think just getting slightly outside of it is the key. Not too far outside of it.

Right. In order to improve at something. I was doing that today, writing a song. And I was like, I really wanted to write it about this one thing. And I just couldn't get anywhere. And I'm like on day three of writing this thing. Then I revisit it today. And I'm like, just write about the real thing that happened.

Just stop trying to write this other story. Just write about the actual thing that happened. Just stop trying to write this other story. Just write about the actual real moment that you had that was the inception of this song. And so I did. I wrote about, because the song's called London Blues, and I really did have this day in London. I think Nikki and Chris were doing something. Maybe we had all just done a podcast,

and I was walking to go visit my friend, and I just walked the entire day, and I was by myself. And then when I came home, I sang this song and it was like kind of a finished thought in the bathroom in my hotel. And I was feeling lonely. I couldn't reach my boyfriend. He was on tour. I'm on tour. We're like six hours apart. We couldn't FaceTime. It had been like day three of no talking not that we didn't try but it was just not working out and so I just wrote a song about that and I was like I should have done this hours ago and just like write about the real thing instead of trying to write this perfect song you know and it ended up being way more I like the song so much more than I thought I would

and I think you just have to do that like go to whatever what's go to whatever is truest in you. Right. Maybe. I think that's what you arrive at with comedy too is like, what's the truest thought here. And like, but sometimes I just feel like the truest thing is just so bleak and sad like but then that sometimes can be very funny i just there but that's i don't know i just think that there's so many conflicting things

yeah but i also hate that about myself because some people because people i don't like being laughed at and i think like a lot of times people are like you're so funny and they're laughing at me like god i would never be that i'd never throw things around like that and i would never honk like that and i would never tell someone that blunt thing and it's like people are not laughing like oh my god i wish i always just want to be liked i want people to want to be me i guess is the point i want people to be like man i wish i was like that and instead i feel into that most of the things that people are like Nikki we love you it's all things like you slam cabinets and you say really rude things unintentionally it's like never anything that anyone would want for themselves they're glad that it's me because it's funny to watch but it's not a desirable trait and I feel like but it's when

I lean into that it's like okay yeah it's authentic but it's nothing that anyone would ever wish for their daughter to have in them it's like who gives a shit like that's what's so great about you i think like lean into that more because it's true to you that is what makes you you no one is like you no one is like there's a craziness about you that's fucking awesome yeah it's so funny and it's so unique it's like no one is like you but you said craziness no one wants to be crazy and that i have shame about that why would i not have shame about something that people go like oh my god like we're all everyone's crazy in their own way like i'm weird i remember the guy i dated that insists was a fucking weirdo

and then he kept telling me you're not weird i'm like i think i'm a little weird he's like you're the most normal girl i've ever met i'm like fuck off like you don't want to be weird i would love that so much i remember you saying that you were so um he called you a prototypical blonde girl or something white girl heteronormative i would dream of someone describing me that way i love when someone's like you're like barbie and i'm like you think i'm normal and plastic and like cookie cutter like as much as i think that i do want to be seen and want everyone to be like look at her and be exceptional like i do want to just blend in more than anything i want to be um i want to be normal

no you should double down you're slamming cabinets you start ripping cabinet doors off the handle easy to say that but when you have a lifetime of people going nikki shut up calm down oh god here she goes again nikki you don't talk that loud in a restaurant. It is so hard to undo this shit. Like I was just in therapy this morning talking about childhood trauma, which is not, would not really categorize as trauma next to what so many people experience in their childhoods because I had parents that were amazing

and loved me and all of those things. But there's things that happened that, like I've been waking up in the middle of the night and just feeling like super anxious, like four times a I've been waking up in the middle of the night and just feeling, like, super anxious. Like, four times a night, I wake up in the middle of the night and I go to pee. But I'm just like, I can't, I just feel like this tension in me that is like, I just feel like I want to burst out of my skin and I need something to self-soothe. And my therapist was saying, like, who do you need to comfort you in that moment? Like, what's going on for you? Like, who could you think of would ever, like, if you could conjure you in that moment like what's going on for you like who could you think of whatever like if you could call it conjure someone in that moment

who would it be and I like started crying because I was like honestly like my sister but not the way my sister is with me like the way my sister is with Poppy like my sister every night for Poppy this is not a joke she tucks her in and gives her a full body massage because Poppy demands it, including a face massage, just gentle face massage for until Poppy falls asleep. And sometimes it can be an hour plus of just a full body massage every single evening for my sister who has already given this girl everything throughout the day. And that is what that's the kind of attention that and then i started crying because i'm like and she's like why are you crying and i'm like it's not because

i'm like i realized what i need it's because i'm embarrassed that i want something a four-year-old gets and i want my sister to be my mommy like mama it's so humiliating and she's like well why don't we put the shame on the shelf for right now? I'm like, I wish I could. If you could just put shame on a shelf and let it sit there and fucking grow dust, I wouldn't be here, lady. Like I can't put shame on a shelf. Shame is shame. If you can put it away, you would, but you can't.

And it's so humiliating to feel all these, everything that I feel I'm humiliated by. And even saying this whole thing, I'm like, God, people have actual problems. And mine is that like, sometimes in the middle of the night,

I wish my sister would massage my face. And I'm like crying about how embarrassing that is. Like people can't pay their fucking bills. No, but I think everybody has a shame shelf. Inside. And everyone can relate to this. You can't, you got to put it in a drawer at least.

You shouldn't put your shame out there for everyone to see. That's like the worst place to put your shame. Believe me, I have shameful things in my bedside drawer. There's already like food and vibrators and like toenail clippings. No, you're right. I do have a shame. It's just, it's hard to bring up all of these things

and feel like, and to admit that that's what you want is like your sister to massage your face, but not your sister as you know her, like your sister as your mom.

It's like, what the fuck is that? That was a breakthrough, but what am I supposed to do with that? That's what I always say. Who cares? And so tonight,

she told me, if you wake up in the middle of the night instead of reaching for food, which I do to calm myself, and gives me that like instant like i just feel an overwhelming calm throughout my body like the ocean just like settles there's like a crazy storm then all of a sudden it's placid waters after i eat something and there's no need for me to do it's not like i'm hungry in the middle of the night this isn't it's it's some kind of chemical release she was

like okay imagine your sister massaging your face and i'm like i gotta fucking do that tonight like this is so embarrassing to have to do these things you don't have why can't i just sleep through the night yeah don't go to the embarrassing part because just try to sit with it and be like all right i need to be soothed now there's everybody wants to be soothed i mean so many of us don't have to be because we're like we have a partner or we have a dog like you're out there without a partner you don't have your dog you don't have like a weighted blanket so of course you want to be soothed by stuff um you know anybody would want to be like i want a full body massage now from lauren

final thought what what do you guys do to self-soothe when you get into these like because i was in this session and she was like the way you're rubbing your hand right now i was like rubbing my thumb like this and then i was playing with my hair like this i was just doing this like she goes who would do that to you i'm like my grandma i think would play with my hair if i laid in her lap and i'm like maybe but again i'm four like why am I reverting like I'm a woman I should be able to like journal or listen to a podcast or meditate but instead I'm just like I want to suck

my thumb is kind of how I feel about things what did you just what just happened on you we're having a crazy thunderstorm oh cool oh my god do you guys hear it it's like I'm gonna jump into our garbage river with a cake. Man. It'd be nice if there was a thunderstorm here right now.

Break this heat wave. In terms of that, this is one of those things that falls into the category of like, yeah, that's nice that you learned that, but I just feel like it's not practical information and it's this is why i'm like down on therapy right now because like the fact that you know that is like to me doesn't help in any way it's just like yeah what you're saying it's like now you're crying about your grandma or whatever she said to massage my own face tonight like the way i would

think that a good mom would to myself so So tonight, instead of eating, I'm going to massage my face. Brian, what would you do if you were in Nikki's shoes since you don't believe in therapy? No, I believe in therapy. I believe in therapy. But I think because I believe in therapy, that's why I'm being so critical of it.

And I'm like, can you just prove to me that this is good? It's like when you believe in a boyfriend or girlfriend but they keep fucking doing stupid shit and you're like please just show me that you're gonna be good but anyway I

I do like I spend like two hours every night trying to figure out this magic formula to soothe my aching bones but I never truly achieved that. Your anxiety is pain. Like that manifests in pain.

Yeah. It doesn't feel like a roiling sea in your stomach. Yeah, no, I don't. I don't even know how to describe mine but yours is pain.

I would much rather go back to the roiling sea in my stomach. Yeah. Because it manifests in different pains. I do rounds like from like the program that i use dnrs which is basically like um uh putting yourself in a positive memory and trying to place yourself in there and just like elevating your emotional state

artificially and trying to sit in that emotional state and then let it travel through your body that's essentially what your brain your subconscious like doesn't know the difference between a memory and like what you're actually feeling. So it can, that's, that's kind of a cool thing, but then I start to judge it and go, God,

your life was so good and that's never going to happen again. That's like, I start to grieve that, that memory I'm reliving is not. Well, that's why you go into the future. Also, you do a past and then you do a future memory.

You do something that hasn't happened yet. That's going to be great in the future. And it's anything you go into the future also. You do a past and then you do a future memory. You do something that hasn't happened yet that's going to be great in the future. And it could be anything you want. It could be imagination. It could be fantasy. Or it could be like, I did like my wedding day quite a lot when I was leading up to that.

Do that. You can do, you know, I'll do stretches. I'll do yoga for like 15 minutes. Because sometimes when I fall asleep, my legs just feel really tight you know and like then i and then i gotta sit in my bed and and then i gotta lift my legs over my head and stretch them in the middle of the night you ever have to do that but if i do my yoga

uh before bed then i don't have to do that anymore and then i do all my jaw exercises and then i do my breathing and then i do all my jaw exercises and then i do my breathing and then i do i mean it's just insane i was doing breathing exercises last night i was breathing in for because i was the one that helps you go to sleep is you breathe in for uh seven counts you hold it for four breathe out for eight breathe in for seven hold it for four breathe out for eight and that does calm my nervous system quite a bit. Yeah. But then I get really bored doing it and I'd start to resent that I have to do it.

Just like any exercise, I guess. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? Anya, what do you do when you can't sleep? I have woken up Matt before and tried to talk things out, which has helped. But what really helps is writing out all my worries. Because then I'm like, okay, these are concrete. There's nothing more to think about because I've written them all out. And then if I can't think of any more, sometimes I just fall asleep.

Because it's like, when I'm thinking and obsessing, it always feels like there's a new one. Oh, there's a new one. Oh, my parents are aging. What am I going to do with them? What about, what do I have to do for work? What about money? What about this? What about this conflict I had with somebody?

And then, but when I write it all out, sometimes it's like, all right, so there's 23 things I'm worried about. Now what? And then it's kind of like my brain exhausts itself and I can finally go to sleep. But insomnia is a bitch. When my parents were here and leading up to the wedding,

I did not sleep for two weeks and I developed bags under the bags in my eyes so all my wedding photos i look 10 years older than i am it's wild and then like the day after my wedding i looked amazing because i slept i disagree i think you look amazing in your wedding photos whatever was happening for you that day like it counteracted how tired you were. But I definitely thought of Brian a lot, how he didn't sleep a wink before the wedding. And I was just like, just lean into this.

This is just how you just have insomnia right now and you won't in the future. Is it worth it? To get married? Getting married. Like you have to put your life on hold. You stopped songwriting. You were getting married. A wedding or getting married? Getting married. Like you have to put your life on hold. You stopped songwriting. You were getting married.

A wedding or a sleep was for two weeks. The wedding. Because I have to say based on the stress that I've seen. And even though you both say it was the best day of your life. I don't think I want to do what you guys did to yourselves. That's true for many people. Well, the thing you got to remember about me is that i feel that way anyway even without a wedding so the wedding was just like a nice little bonus like and it was i i feel like it's similar to when um people have kids and then they and then

you look at them and you're like you're not sleeping at all and you can't do anything and all your hobbies are dead now and you're you have to put your career on pause. And then they still say that I would never change it for the world. I feel like that about my wedding where it's like, yeah, it was a lot of work and it took a lot of effort and there was a lot of stress and I didn't sleep, but I loved my wedding. I loved the day. It was the best day of my life and I would not change it for the world. Maybe the world. I guess I don't really have a best day of my life either.

And I'd like to maybe have one where I'm like, that was the best day. And like, what did you say before that day? What was the best day of your life for both of you? Because Anya, I know you said your wedding was also the best day of your life. I mean, definitely like certain dates with Matt have been the best ever

or like i remember a memory with my mom and my dad and my sister in san diego and we all like got we went to this fucking resort for a day and got massages and we were in the swimming pool and we were just giggling we could not we got the giggle fits and i just never will forget that moment of like uncontrollably laughing in a swimming pool with my family. Girls trips, so fun. Just laughing on girls trips. The Hamptons, Palm Springs girls trip. Where else have we got?

New York. Oh, my God. So many fun times laughing with girls. Those have been some of the best days of my life. Yeah. For me, I think it was probably the day Trump got elected just kidding I know it's

truly like you have a bunch of moments that are like these are amazing moments and I use those in my rounds but truly the wedding stands head and shoulders above all those moments so it really is like a clear number one front runner out of all the trips and all the family events and all

the beautiful moments and there was also great moments leading up to the wedding like the bachelor party and stuff like that and the engagement that also just add to the whole thing but it's such a unique feeling to have everyone in your life from all the

different eras of your life to just being you know everybody from all the different eras of your life everyone who's ever loved you is in the same place at the same time for the same purpose just there for you out because yeah there's only one problem nikki has already had many like quasi weddings in her life she's done conan too and you have had yeah but you've had not i've never had all the people i love in one place and i would say you've gotten close to that pageant it wouldn't i wouldn't want anyone else at the, like, yes, I've had many events where if my aunt was there, it wouldn't make it better. I'll tell you that.

Like a distant cousin is not going to make this any better. No, I guess I just don't care about having every person. Because there's just, I would be stretched too thin. And I think that's always the problem with weddings is like, you't get to have even you said it on you you didn't get to have any meaningful conversations with a lot of people that you're like they flew all this way and i just all i could talk to them about was like what dish they liked best yeah well or like how hot it was or whatever you know like that was a 15 moment of post-wedding postpartum blues of you know i had a wave of that of like oh my god i

can't believe my friend heather from portland came and i barely got to talk to her and i haven't seen her in years and but then it passed it really was fucking the most insane day just to have such a small group of people that i love all together and it's like it's all about you it's all about your love you get to i heard all these things from matt i'd never heard before i was like what and it's just so tender and you have to spend weeks of your life not sleeping so you can get your husband to tell you how he really feels though you know what i mean like why do we have to go through all of that to get i just maybe i'm being jaded before but you're right it was like there was a part of me that was like why did you wait till today but it was very uh i don't know like maybe that was his trump card

too it wasn't even like he said anything i've never heard it yeah sorry i also think not to speak for chris but i i feel like there's a chance that he wouldn't like it either like he would are you kidding me he's such a super fucking yeah he's such a super host i think he'd be so stressed out or no he would just be organizing everything he loves the stress of organizing and hosting it's his element okay i will not see him on our wedding day i will barely talk to him i will be like a distant aunt to him he will be and i've let him know this i'm like i'm stressed out about marrying you because i don't feel like i'll see you the whole day and i'll feel like it will just be about us like making sure everyone's wheelchair is in the right

like the the saddest thing to me about weddings is seeing old distant aunts have to get on flights and like sit in an uncomfortable flight to go watch this niece that they haven't thought about in 25 years get married. And like they should be just like relaxing and doing their crossword puzzles but they have to be like,

huh? What? And like there's a lot of like crowing going on and like they have to put on like a fucking dress and it's like just let them fucking die without without adding stress to their life like that bothers me that's why if you ever see an elderly woman on an airplane you need to help them because they are on that plane for some reason that is really important to them and they don't and they can't get their bag out of the top thing and

they're supposed to be a wheelchair waiting for them but it's never there help old ladies on planes and subways if you see an elderly person with a suitcase on a subway please help them up the stairs elderly people in general you just got what about this you guys the other day speaking of this and then i'll we'll we'll really leave i was at the baggage claim and from my periphery, this woman looked very able-bodied. Like, you know, when you just see someone, just the shape of them. And I'm like, this woman's in her thirties, right? And then I saw her struggling with the bag and I gave it a second look and her face was old as the hills. She was an old woman, but she presented as a 30-year-old and I felt so rude that I didn't, as soon as I saw that she was old as shit, I was an old woman but she presented as a 30 year old and i felt so rude

that i didn't as soon as i saw that she was old as shit i was like oh my god let me like assist you with this bag and i almost felt like saying but you looked so young at first like i can't say that though but then i saw your fucking old face until i saw your rotted apple face and now but i was like she's okay i felt like telling her that like you present as young until you turned around yeah uh but yeah i always help old people party in the back old hag in the front but then i think a lot of times old people are like insulted that you're helping them because they're totally fine i.e my mom like can't nick i got it this is my bag i got it she's not elderly what she's not elderly though we're talking like 75 she's a broken woman she said that many times herself

and i'm always like mom you're old like when i'm 67 whatever my mom is i think i'll be like i'm old i hope that i asked for help. No, 67 is not old. 67 is a new- I just screamed at my mom. Not screamed, but we got in a big fight because I was like, I have for years hired someone to clean her house for her. Not for years, maybe like two years.

A year plus. Hired my cleaning woman to clean her house every other week because my mom has always cleaned the house. It is like the bane of her existence. It's constantly a thing that's worrying on her mind EJ get the shit out of the den oh you're tracking stuff in I just fucking mopped that I just well I just vacuumed in here can you please stop traipsing like it's that's the reason I can do my mom's impression so well is that's all I heard my childhood is her just i just cleaned that now i'm gonna have to reclean it you guys are you leave shit everywhere this is fucking ridiculous you know so i got her as soon as i could afford it i was like i'm gonna get you a maid i would do it every other day for her it is not that expensive

it to what i and my mom's like i wouldn't want anyone spending this much money we're not doing it and my dad's in the background going and you don't even understand she has to clean the house for two days before this woman even shows up it adds more stress to her life and I'm like mom what do you what can I do she won't take help what do you do she just said I said I'm well I'm gonna pay her to not do it then. So you're just wasting my money. I'm going to pay her every other week. However much money it is, I'm going to look.

I'm going to tell her to charge me for those Venmo's, whether she comes or not. So you're just throwing money out the door. And that's how she's like, fine, if you're not doing that, I go, I will do that because I want to support her business. And so now my mom is forced to have her house cleaned every other week because otherwise this woman gets paid for doing nothing. Damn. It sounds like she's afraid of having someone in her house. Like there's a deeper fear here.

Oh, my mom's greatest fear is that everyone's trying to steal everything all the time from her house. And my mom hides things and hides jewelry and hides money and hides things and then forgets where she hides it. And so there's going to be, it's going to be a fucking treasure dig, a gold rush when we finally, when they move out. We're going to find things all over the place. She stole my stuffed crow.

Yes. She stole. I'm always like, what do you think people are going to steal? She stole all the dirt That was on the floor here Has arrowheads And I'm like These

Are replicas Nobody wants arrowheads No one wants arrowheads They're not You can buy them on eBay They're not even priced that high It's not that important She's not an 11 year old

Boy scout Cleaning your house On Arrowhead Alright we have to go Thank you guys for listening To the show this week We really We really dug up we have to go. Thank you guys for listening to the show this week. We really dug up some stuff today and I appreciate you guys

listening to my inner psyche and my inner child needing face massages. Thank you so much for listening. Don't be cut and just keep going to therapy. Don't. Jon Stewart is back

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