The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #362 Splurging & Suffering, Is Nikki A Narcissist? & The Ultimate First Date Question

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

The good part about having dreams is that you're sleeping, the bad part is that no one wants to hear them. Brian broke his own vow and feels like he is in a pickle over his mattress. Nikki shares her tips for a better spray tan experience when Anya isn't sure about getting another one.  Even though Nikki has been watching some of the best stand up specials, sometimes it's her boyfriend Chris who comes up with the best punchlines. Nikki and Brian assume that comedians who lean into silence between jokes are narcissists. A trait that Nikki wishes she had more of. Luckily Brian knows a lot about narcissists and a borderline personality disorder.  -- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast.

I am in a hotel room in Los Angeles. I have nothing going on in my life right now. I was thinking I went to go journal this morning. Nothing that is like of note. And I was like trying to come up with some stuff to talk about today. I was journaling. I have been journaling every day, which is good. I like have been having pretty good dreams and I've been writing them down and stuff. And no one wants to hear that fucking shit. Not even my therapist. I was starting to talk about my dreams two days ago when I saw her and I could tell she was just like, even I'm bored with this

and I know what they mean. It was just falling off of roller coasters. No, we got to stop with the dreams, I think. Right? Never. Yes, they mean something. Yes, there's some symbolism to them, but I mean, it's a trope in the stand-up comedy

world that there's like a million comedians with the joke or even in sitcoms, but like no one ever wants to hear your dreams. It's not interesting at all. There's only one time that dreams are interesting to the other person, and that is... If there's sex or you're in it. If you're in it.

I don't even think if there's it's like vacation photos it's like someone some comedian or maybe it was like uh i think it might have been dennis on always sunny said dreams are like people's photos i don't want to see it unless there's sex or um i'm in them yeah i don't want to hear about you know something like that it was like oh that's a good analogy. Because they're always such bullshit. They're always just, you know, there's no rules. It's like, oh, I saw this thing and then my aunt was there. And then all of a sudden I was in Topeka.

And it's like, who the fuck is this? There's no way to describe them. It's like an acid trip. It doesn't sound interesting to anyone else. Like, that's the same way I feel about people doing psychedelics and telling me about that experience, even though I do ask. And I did like, I was talking to someone about it. I saw a clip of Theo Vaughn the other night. You know, like YouTube just serves up what you need. And it was like, Theo Vaughn describes the difference between DMT and ayahuasca. And he said that DMT is like being buried in a pinball machine

that's like on and it's just going on and you're inside it man and it's like a double baller or what i don't know how you know how theo talks and then he said but ayahuasca was like your heart farts he was like it really it if you don't if you want to ever know the difference between those two or have any what like you just want to know what that it's like it was a very um elucidating um you know description of both of the things to me because i've always gotten them confused i know i'll never do dmt those are great neil brennan told me yeah oh theo is one of the best people to just talk about anything i mean he's one of my favorite people to just look up clips and just hear him talk. He's one of the best talkers that will ever exist. Yeah.

But I was just thinking about dreams. I recall my favorite Mitch Hedberg joke. One of my favorites is like, man, dreams, you know, I'm paraphrasing. Dreams are like bullshit, man. Like you could do anything. He was like, but most of the time it's just like I'm building a shed with my landlord. He's like, I could have been like shed with my landlord you could do anything whenever my dreams are just like and then i'm packing my shampoo and oh packing is a crazy one for me i pack a lot in dreams um anyway so let's not talk about

dreams anyway been journaling a lot didn't i have nothing to talk about so i'm just gonna throw it to you guys what any well we got a major update and then you lot. I have nothing to talk about, so I'm just going to throw it to you guys. Well, we got a major update. And then you're like, I have nothing. Well, I had something. I always have something if I talk enough, but I really want to pitch it to you guys. What do you have? Major update.

Major update that I'm sure the besties are all curious to hear. And that is that the old rag has been delivered. The old rag has been delivered to Nikki. It has many stains on it. I told you it was not

a good rag. I thought it was old. I didn't know it would have microfiber from your glasses case. It has microfibers of murder scenes on it. It looks like... It's vintage of murder scenes on it. It looks like... You gave it to Nikki? It's vintage.

I asked for it. I liked it. It says iPeople or something on it. Vision People. And it's an old company. Vision People. It's an old eye care professional. It's a great gift.

Look, there's a twist. So how does that feel to part with it? Why is there a twist? I didn't even know I had it, so it feels nothing. I feel like someone explained to me a dream. He got it out of the wastebasket after I go, I'll take that. Oh, I thought it was in a special Ziploc that he carries around. No, it was like

in a little... It was. I have a bag. But he threw it out on the shelf. There's a twist. What's the twist? Oh, no, you need it back. They're still open. No, I went back into my bag. It was much deeper than I had originally realized. And I found another old rag from the same place I had two. That one looks better.

It is a little better. Because mine's kind of stiff. It's not stiff. It's very few stains. Do you want to swap? Okay. Yeah, I want that one. I don't know what these stains are. They're like black. I don't know what that could be because I use these for my glasses. I can't believe you still have this stuff. And I can't believe that you went further through that bag. Do you have that much time on your hand?

I don't think you do. No, I don't. You don't, man. I'll always make time for my rag bag. That's so dumb. Brian's been going to like, he's got a lot going on. He got a new mattress. Oh, yeah.

Which is like the dreams of, it's like a, I want to hear about this just as much as I want to hear about people's dreams. But it actually is interesting because buying a mattress is such a fucking arduous process.

And he got a Tempur-Pedic. Yeah, so right now behind me is a Tempur-Pedic Breeze Luxe Medium. And I got to say, if anyone out there, any of the besties, please help me. I need your help because I got this Tempur-pedic mattress. It costs like $6,000, and I know that there's a break-in period. I know that, but I just don't trust that it's going to work because I'm sitting on this mattress. Noah's raising her hand.

It's much firmer than I thought it was going to be and I want to sink in and it's not sinking in at all. Brian, I understand your pain. We had the same exact thing. We spent like the most amount of money that we have ever spent on a piece of furniture, but it became worth it. You just have to

wait. It'll take like four months. No, that's past the return. And I can't not sleep for's four months that's past the return and i can't not sleep for four months that's past the return period it works and it will it'll be a game changer you'll never be able to sleep on another mattress yes ours is a temper did you buy the hybrid kind or did you buy the like it's gonna let me sink into it kind because brian what he wanted out of the temperatupidic is that it forms to his body but when he went to the showroom he was talked into a hybrid of the forming to your body and the spring and then he gets out of there and he gets the hybrid now it's arrived and he goes why didn't

I just get the thing that I wanted which is like it just forms to your body so which one did you get Noah um I cannot remember I think we may have gotten the hybrid I can get back to you this is what this is the also the problem with mattresses. I've asked almost every single person in my life what kind of mattress they got. And either it's like, Nikki's answer is like, I have a shitty mattress. I don't give a shit about it.

I want a new one. And so that's not very helpful. Or it's, or it's, I have a great mattress. I love it. It's the best mattress in the world. What kind is it?

Oh, I don't, I don't remember. I guess I'll look it up. And then I look up the receipt and it's just, oh, I found the receipt, but it just says, you know, it just says like mattress good. And it's like, well, what the fuck is that? Is it medium?

Is it firm? Is it springs? It's medium. It's medium. I get that. I know that for sure. I just don't know which design it is. Like a year ago or something.

Were you just as like disenchanted with it at first? And like, what a waste of money. And did you both have a night four months in where you were like, it's working. Like, was it just at the same time? Yeah, I want to know. And they made love. Yeah, we had just like aggressive sex on it to break it in. But before that, we were-

To dancing. Yeah. break it in but before that we were dancing yeah i was really worried because it was so we were dropping like so much money on it and for my whole life i heard tempur-pedic is the one it's the best and then when we finally after getting it delivered and it was a commitment to put it in the house we got the little platform and everything and um we were just like this is a lot more firm than i remember at the store and then i had like when i checked it was exactly medium firmness and um i was just like we're gonna have to return this and go through the whole process and i was really like just so agitated over that um but right at like as it got to like the four or five month period

all of a sudden i was like this this mattress is so comfortable we're not returning is it just But right as it got to the four or five month period, all of a sudden I was like, this mattress is so comfortable. We're not returning it. Is it just because your will has been broken down or does something happen in the biochemistry of the mattress? I have been sleeping on a shitty mattress because I'm at my dad's house and my back and my neck are in so much pain,

like pain that I don't feel anymore because I sleep on the Tempur-Pedic. Well, how many days have you been sleeping on your dad's mattress? I've been here for- Just stay for another three months. 23 days. 20, that's enough to get used to it.

Wow. Yeah, shitty mattress, you can't get over it. It might be your pillow. I had a Tempur-Pedic pillow, which I got addicted to. And then I just gave it to Matt because he had a really bad neck once. I'm like, my neck's fine now, take this. And now I'm like, is that a scam?

A Tempur-Pedic pillow? I think I'm fine. I don't know. I think the pillows are really expensive and there's a million different types. And so far I've tried almost every one of them and I'm not sold on the pillows. I'm not sold on the mattress.

I don't know. I think, I mean, I wrote an episode of Adam ruins everything on mattresses where we literally said, yeah, I wrote a whole episode on mattresses where we literally get you then. I don't know. That's what I'm saying. I literally said in this, I wrote this on a script and it was said on television, do not spend thousands of dollars on a mattress. It's a scam. I wrote that. And then I went ahead and I spent thousands of dollars on a mattress. Why did you write that?

What was your finding? Will you tell us what the gist of the episode was and why that's true and what you should do instead of spending thousands of dollars? Studies have shown that there is very little difference in customer satisfaction after you reach a certain threshold in mattresses. So you don't want to buy a $500 mattress. The mattress Noah's probably sleeping on. But once you pass $1,000, there is no difference in customer satisfaction between a $1,000 mattress and a $10,000 mattress. It's like that thing where

you make a certain amount of money. Once you pass that threshold, it doesn't matter if you make $200,000 or $400,000. It's all the same. Well, that's how it is with mattresses. A lot of the materials that are in mattresses are made by the same three companies.

Like the coils. Same with eyeglasses. Yeah. That's what you say about eyeglasses yeah yeah that's what you say it's like canned good canned tomatoes like i told you guys coming from the same factory yeah it's just the label or like uh halal meat oh yeah exactly and you know the meat that's spinning and you're like well that doesn't look like real meat guess what it's not real meat it's mostly sawdust and breadcrumbs you freaks you're eating a bunch of shit all right well the mattress that the other day it's vegan is it can eat that meat now and then also there's like a bunch of shady practices that the mattress

go against everything you know and wrote like what have you explored like what made you i'm desperate i was gonna guess pain yeah well the the pain is a great motivator and i i was uh grinding and clenching my teeth at night and uh destroying my teeth and i learned that i have to sleep on my back in order to not do it as much and my the mattress i used to have which also also cost $5,000, was too firm. It was way too firm. I couldn't sleep on my back and too many pressure points. So I slept in an Airbnb

where there was a memory foam mattress and I slept all night on my back. And I was like, I think I need a memory foam. So I, you know, even though- Why didn't you get that exact one? Well, I thought about it. We contacted the Airbnb owner and they said...

Of course you did. Yeah. And they said, I was like, this was... It wasn't the best mattress I've ever slept in, but it was good enough. And they said it was a $600 mattress from Wayfair. It didn't even have a name. Oh my God. Right?

Yeah. So you weren't able to find the model? No, I was, but I was like, okay, yes, that mattress was good. But that's not past the $1,000 point that you need to feel good. And also that mattress is probably not going to last very long. It's probably going to be like sagging after a year. And then like, I don't want to go through this again. So I at least was like, let me go find a memory foam mattress. That's why I did it. And then I just went to the store and I'll tell you what those, I mean, they have, they have all these

things in place that make you buy the mattress. They offer three years, zero interest financing. They always have a sale that's ending tomorrow. They have the mattress salesman who's like, oh, I'll just leave you alone and let you sleep on it. And then they come back five minutes later and they're like, how was it? And then they offer you the 90-day return policy so you can return. So it's like, oh, is this even really a purchase?

So then you just walk out of the store. All of a sudden, you spent six grand on a mattress and you owe wells fargo your life savings and now you're sleeping on a brick man i have a solution what and and a hopeful anecdote i'll tell you the hopeful and no i'll tell you the solution okay no i'll tell you the helpful and to do it okay no solution yeah let tell you the solution. Okay. No, I'll tell you the helpful anecdote. Okay. No solution. Yeah, let's do the solution first. Okay, solution. I was just kidding, but okay, yes. Pillow top mattress.

Just spend 30 bucks on a pillow top. He did it. You did? Yeah, he beat you to it. Yep, sorry. Fuck it then. Should have told that last. What's the anecdote?

I wanted, Matt and I were ring shopping for wedding rings, and it was annoying. And we finally, he found a company online where they send you a bunch of ring samples. You try them on. You figure out your exact size. Yeah. And we decided, he decided on one. And I was like, I didn't know I had a preference for rings.

But these were not the specifications I would have decided. I was thinking round, classic. For him or you? For him. Like a bright. He's like, I don't know what to do, babe. Which one? I'm like, I don't care.

Pick one you like. And then he picks one he likes. And I was like, whoa, I don't think I like that. You have to look at that forever? Yeah. And I didn't even know what I liked, but I realized, I guess I like a classic men's wedding ring, kind of bright, like a shinier gold, which is not what I would think I would like. Rounded edges, not super thick, not super thin. Anyway, he picks like a matte pale gold.

It's like not shiny at all. And it's a little thinner than I'm used to. And it's got square edges. So it looks like a little more industrial. I was like, I don't know if I like that. It's kind of at all, and it's a little thinner than I'm used to, and it's got square edges, so it looks a little more industrial. I was like, I don't know if I like that. It's kind of 90s or something. Anyway, I don't say what I want because I'm like, I don't even know what I want.

Just let this guy choose. It's his fucking ring. And then it comes, and he's wearing it, and I was just like, I think I hate it, but in my head. He doesn't even know this. For two days, I'm like, I think I fucking hate it. And I know there's even know this for two days I'm like I think I fucking hate it and I know there's a return period and it's like free exchange or whatever and I was just like should we exchange it and I just bit my tongue and now whatever you know a month or two

months after we had bought those rings I fucking love it it looks so cool on him it looks I'm like that is the coolest ring I've ever seen. Like every day. I don't know what it is. I've just gotten used to it, but it just looks, it's like very matte. I can't explain it. It looks, it looks cool. So I'm glad I kind of listened to the tiny, tiny voice in my head that was like, eh, just let this alone.

Don't try to micromanage this. So that's another reason why marriage marriage i don't want to do it could i just say it's a here's another thing i can't commit to a ring the rest of my life like a piece of jewelry that i have to wear forever and also who cares like were you just mad that you were gonna like see his ring and always just feel like oh god it's ugly like the rest of your life was that your fear or that people would think your husband's lame if they saw it because he likes it so what does it matter it's just like you don't i'm very much into like how like i get a lot of joy from the aesthetics of things so like i can just stare at my own i don't fucking know like a chair that i

bought and just be like no when you had your nails done you were like I can't stop looking at them are they still long no no I cut them off they're still they're like growing out but I chopped them off so I could play guitar right but the weird plasticky thing the extension is still glued on there right and then how what happens with that you have to have it like removed I forget eventually I'm gonna just have it removed but I'm too lazy to go and right now it's actually making the guitar picking sound really cool because they're so thick oh that's nice yeah what do you feel about your spray tan do you miss it because mine i missed it but i got a strange first of all it did ruin my favorite white pants i just

got these and it ruined the bottoms of them um i went to the foot massage place and they they moved the my pants up they hiked them up to my knees and then you know they were lotioning me up and it was hot that day in new york and then when they were all done i'm like horrified my spray tan is like there's a ring around my little white pants and i was like fuck why can i get tons of spray tan on towels and like makeup and spray tan and they are always white at hotels like they maybe they throw out the towels because they're like this is ruined like how do why can't you just bleach things the way hotels do i will not do it this is three three washes later and oh so i'll just bleach them it's almost back

to normal but it was annoying i miss the spray tan though although i did develop a weird dot on my leg that is still there do you ever get these age spot it's gone no i thought it was that melasma because they know they like definitely highlight your age spots when you get spray tan see that little freckle right there or not so that was really dark and that came like the night after my spray tan i woke up with a super dark dark dark thing and it felt like a scab so i'm like oh it's just spray tan collected in a weird spot but it's taken three weeks to go away do you ever get those i would never notice that on my body not just a weird dark dot on your leg you You're very self-aware. I would not. No, I mean like, yeah, no, I have, people are constantly worried about my spray tan more than I am.

Like just makeup artists and people are just like, oh, it's like on the back, it's patchy. I'm like, because I got a spray tan. Like people can probably look at me and understand her armpits are going to be white because she got a spray tan and it was a shitty one because she doesn't like because people go why don't you get custom ones because I just go in a booth every single time no matter what the level of a thing appearance I'm making and a booth is just like for people who are maybe going to a wedding that weekend they're not in the

wedding but you are supposed to get a custom one for like the real good spray tan but i will not do it and do you know why because you don't want to wait exactly people think it's like it's because you don't want to be naked in front of someone it's also a lot more expensive it is not any of those things it's because it takes too fucking long what happens in a booth a booth you go in and it just like sprays you? Naked. She goes down on you. Then she sprays you. It's a glory hole.

I don't even think I like. You go in. You take off all your clothes. I don't do any lotion barriers because there's a spray. There's like a wet wipe in there that you just afterwards. You just wipe all the places that you don't want spray tan on. You don't need to do lotion barriers. It's stupid.

And I've been doing this for hundreds of years. And so you years and so you go in of your hands are a little bit orange did you not do it no they're not it's just looking that way like if i see them up close they're not they really aren't my hand is or this is orange but this i know it looks orange but it's not for some reason when i look at it are you supposed to do your armpits too i forgot she had me do it but i was so self-conscious but who is seeing your armpits too? I forgot. She had me do it, but I was so self-conscious. But who is seeing your armpits and who is going to go, my armpits are white. Like who cares?

No, they're supposed to be white. Exactly. But like, I just don't get like, can't people just understand that there's going to be like a little bit, like there are people with vitiligo and everyone's not like, oh my God, burn her.

You know, like who gives a shit if it's a little spotchy? I got to wrap it up. We're going to go to break. What? I say that. I don't know. That's just me though. What?

Burn people. They have spots. Yeah. I'm just disgusted by everybody. So you get naked, you go into a booth. It tells you, I mean, depending on the, like this is, I want every girl to know this because spray tans will elevate you so much and everyone's so scared of going in a spray a booth. It tells you, I mean, depending on the, like, this is, I want every girl to know this because spray tans will elevate you so much and everyone's so scared of going in a spray tan booth. It will not.

Just go to low level, but I always go to the highest level no matter what because it's so disappointing when it doesn't show up at all. And it will never be so high that you're like, I look insane. At least for me, there's not enough tan I could be. So you go in, you press a button, you stand like this. Then you have one arm like this. Then you have one arm like this. So you go in, you press a button, you stand like this, then you have one arm like this, then you have one arm like this, then you stay from behind. And then they do two, then they go drying phase and it takes five minutes. And then you're dry. By the time you

step out, you maybe like dance around a little bit, take a picture for your boyfriend because you will look super tan and super hot and the lighting's really low. And it looks, it's always a great time to get like a sexual and you're kind of wet looking, and that's always a good look. Send that off to him. He'll validate your existence. And then you leave, and you're a fucking tan, and it's great.

Well, yeah, you're a pro. That makes sense. If I had had more than five spray tans in my life, I'd booth it up, too. I'd be like, I got this. But why don't you just trust me and just go in a booth? Because there's nothing that can go wrong in a booth. I'm still learning how to do it. don't waste that top spray because it starts spraying at your head for tall people and especially if you're a shorty put your arms up and follow it down and then hit

the pose where it would be as chris said she just can't handle the booth what he said that it was funny there's a writer's strike you should stop I like that I laughed out loud oh the gay can't handle the oh that's the truth she can't handle the booth who did you say said that

I couldn't hear it Chris Convy he said that Chris Convy said it in a very appropriate moment I laughed out loud oh okay yeah

then that makes sense god I miss him aww that really, I miss him. That really made me miss him. We don't talk on the phone when we're apart, so I kind of feel like he is. We'll talk more about all of this and also less when we get back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.

You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back.

I'm guessing that I, when Chris said she just can't handle the booth, I was talking about a spray tan booth. No, you weren't there. It was, we were driving to the Ludo concert and there's that parking lot outside of the concert venue and there is a parking attendant lady in a booth and she was, she kind of like gave us a hard time

because Chris was like trying to park in the special parking spots because he's like associated with the concert and they gave us a hard time then we went to go get dinner and we came back and i pointed out oh the parking attendant lady isn't there anymore and then he goes i guess she just couldn't handle the booth that's very clever that's good yeah that does make me it's good yes he he said it's so fast too. Right. He's very quick.

I'm very, that's why I love listening to his radio show because I'm reminded of how fucking fast and funny and quick he is in many ways. But he does, I mean, that's a pun. Some people are nauseated by them, but that's a good one. No. Yeah. People are nauseated by bad puns, you know. Or ones where the person is really proud of themselves

for coming up with something that is not that hard. And then go, huh? Yeah, and you wait. It is interesting how some comedians' minds, you can tell by hearing their set, they cannot help writing puns. It's completely involuntary. It's just how their brains work.

Like Mark Norman's new special, full of puns. Oh, yeah completely involuntary. It's just how their brains work. Like Mark Norman's new special full of puns. Oh yeah, did you watch the whole thing? I watched half of it but he's so clever and he's got him. Did you get through it all? There's literally no comedian I can get through it all.

I love Mark and he reminds me of like a funny grandpa cross and it's weird because he's like a young, good looking guy, but he's got that grandpa voice. And some of the jokes are very like dirty grandpa. So it's cute. I watched him on 1.5 times the speed last night. I couldn't sleep.

I was like, oh, check out Mark's new special Soup to Nuts. It's on Netflix. Mark is one of the best, you know, joke writers. But I was listening to him actually on Theo Vaughn's podcast again a youtube clip popped up and he was talking about how and theo was saying man like i was laughing out loud so hard and it's just it's you're the perfect comic to go see on a date because there's you never have to worry if she's having a good time because there's no time to ever check in on like is she enjoy it because it's just rapid fire it was something about that.

And he was like, yeah, I hate silence. I hate it. I don't want silence up there. And I was like, Oh my God, I relate to that so much.

He's like, some comedians can just like take their time. Like, why would you ever do that? Like, how could you risk that? And, um,

I really liked hearing some, it just feels validated when you hear someone that you admire, say something that you have felt your whole life. And, um, yeah, he's, he's just a rapid fire guy and has yeah tons of puns but like um yeah i got i listened to it 1.5 times the speed which is insane because he already talks so fast but it's so good and i'm i'm just doing it bite-sized because i was getting kind of sleepy at the time i watched and i want to finish it up at some point

when I have time in my life because it's pretty busy right now. Can't wait to watch that one. It's so good. It's so good. Even the title is old school. Soup to nuts. It's funny.

And I love, he always, on Conan, he, it was the first time I heard him do it on TV but he's, you know,

at the end of it said, he goes, thanks, I'm Kevin Hart. It's just like the, but they introduced him as Kevin Hart on this. Please give it up for Kevin Hart. And he walks out. I i know he's been doing that a long time i was like i've heard this it's so good there's some comedians who are like really sit in the silence

and they they usually have a stool that they can actually sit on. No, thank you. And the industry fucking eats up these people. That's the custom spray tan of comedians. Like, come on, let's speed this up. And they do love it. You know why? Because to do that, you have to be so fucking confident. You have to be a narcissist. Oh, 100%.

And people love narcissists. Yes. They are, it would be incredible to be one, honestly. It's a fucking superpower. It really is. Like, I kind of wish I was, and I'm not talking about

having narcissistic traits like we all diagnose our boyfriends with. This is, this is like someone who is a pathological, just, you know, personality disorder.

They have narcissism. They are a full-blown narcissist is that if at any point anything deduces them not deduces them uh degrades them or uh points out a flaw in any way they cannot accept that and they will fight against that in in the extreme yes that's the that's the sign of an art they cannot admit any type of flaw at all and so every time that they if they make a mistake they'll gaslight you that they didn't do it if they if someone points out a flaw they will just decimate them and completely discredit them fascinating They're fascinating. It's like someone calls them a transphobe. They'll do like a whole special maybe about how they're not.

If they are deeply, I don't know that Chappelle is a narcissist, like at that level. I think he has narcissistic traits because I think every comedian kind of has to, to get up there and be like, you should listen to what I'm talking about. That wasn't an original thought.

I heard it from one of his best friends. That's hilarious. I mean, again, long pauses, hours on stage. He's checking some of the boxes. But the thing is, narcissists don't even mind to be called narcissists. That's kind of my favorite thing about them. Because they're like, they see nothing wrong. They wouldn't take that as an insult because they don't have anything wrong

with them. So they're like, that's the way to be. And also they're impervious to ever changing. No, it's the only, it's one of the only, I can't say it's the only,

cause I don't know everything, but I think I do. The it's, it's impervious to, you can't fix a narcissist because you have to see a fault in yourself to be able to go, I want to change. And they will not do that.

So that's fascinating. Impervious. It would be great to be one yeah because they will never struggle because they don't admit to themselves they can't even have the i don't think they have any self-awareness to ever be sad about what they are because they're the best but it does come ultimately subconsciously from a deep fear of of insecurity and not being enough but it doesn't matter that it does and that doesn't make you feel better if you're dealing with a narcissist to know deep down they're sad because they're not they actually don't feel that subconscious thing at all on any level they are the best and i just kind of i want to be one i do want to be there's things i want to be and sometimes i kind of wish I was a sociopath or a psycho or like a narcissist psychopath. But I think they're like unhappy.

They're deeply unhappy. Many narcissists do kill themselves. They do kill themselves. Yes. It's common that a narcissist or a borderline will kill themselves because once the mask breaks down, if at any point somehow you get through that mask and all of the tricks and all of the things that they do to deflect against introspection stop working, and

if any little tiny flaw comes through, they cannot handle it. They get extremely depressed, angry, violent even. And so sometimes, even if it's just like a narcissist gets a gray hair and it's like something they can't control and it's just like there's no denying it

like sometimes that that can like eat away at their soul and until they you know can't take it anymore i mean i didn't know that there's i heard from a therapist he's like don't worry about this narcissist in your life killing themselves because they were always threatening suicide narcissists don't commit suicide they talk about it a lot or threaten it a lot but they don't but borderlines do

maybe that therapist was wrong though I did see him walking in the street with a paper cup where he disheveled many years later and I was like oh I don't think he did so well in life i mean i've read your therapist walking homeless in the street he was either homeless or very near there and i was like oh my god that explains a lot or something yeah he he would always be like don't bother paying me like i don't know how he paid his rent there were many months I saw him and he's like, don't worry about paying me.

I think he just enjoyed spouting off about stuff. Anyway, he said narcissists don't kill themselves. I don't know. I mean, I've read a bunch. I've read like every book there is about narcissists and borderline and personality disorders. And frequently they say narcissists kill them. Borderlines kill themselves too a lot. Yeah, my guy didn't know what he was talking about maybe.

I mean, maybe it's true. Nobody really knows i just want a disclaimer is that what these that a these all these diagnosed diagnoses and labels it's like everybody's different even if you're a narcissist you might be different than another narcissist these are just general things although i will say that if you're the they frequently exhibit the same behaviors and like sometimes people will be in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline and I can predict exactly how they're going to act and what they're going to do in almost every situation so

I don't know there's something to the diagnoses but what's the first thing you hear from someone that's kind of like clueless that they're dating someone with borderline that you're like oh telltale sign like has there been moments where you hear something and you're like i just want to inform you this might be the case here someone who might be listening that's like dealing with something that they don't even know would be the you just know it you just know it in your gut that they

are lying to you you just know that they you can't trust what they're saying if they're borderline then not only can you you just know in your gut that they don't trust what they're saying. If they're borderline, then not only can you just know in your gut that they don't actually love you, even though that they act like it, but you know that in your gut. But also, a borderline versus a narcissist is like a borderline will frequently not be able to handle any discussion about anything that's wrong with the relationship and have outbursts of mania and also

anger and can frequently switch from being really amazing to really mean really fast. Like, unusually cruel for any human being to be. And you're like i can't believe you just said that to me and then you know maybe a week later i'll either deny that

they said that they'll say you took it the wrong way or they were overly sensitive yeah yeah or they will not even remember that they said that so it's like stuff like that but it's true but here's how you don't get into that here's how you don't get into that situation if you get into a relationship and for the first month you believe this is too good to be true they're just love bombing you they're doing everything you want there are no problems it seems like their personality is like meshing absolutely perfectly with your personality guess what they are doing that on purpose to trick you because they don't have a personality and all they know how to do is to

mimic your personality and give you exactly what you want so that you accept them and once you accept them into your vulnerable heart they will turn on you because they can't get too close to you. Well, you know, here's the thing. I got to put a little blame on the person that falls for this stuff because, and I'm not saying I do everything. I do so many things so wrong all the time. But if someone loves you really soon and is just like, I don't know, there's just something about you. I i who someone who loves you after knowing you for a week don't you know that they don't know you yet and so they're

kind of full of shit i guess i think i'm coming at this from a perspective of i don't really love myself so i'm suspicious of anyone who does in the first place even after knowing me a long time so i think my low self-esteem has kind of protected me from these kinds of freaks because I have been love bombed at some points in the beginning of things with certain guys.

And I'm always like, where is this coming from? Like, how do you have this information? We have not spoken enough for you to have formed this opinion about me yet. And I'll say, because I remember one guy just saying like you're so interesting I've been thinking about you non-stop I love the way your mind works and I'm like we've texted and dm'd a couple times there's and I go are you watching a special of mine or something he's like yeah and I'm like okay maybe

I can let that slide but then there were things like I can't wait to have I remember one guy was the I've told Brian this recently I was telling the story to some friends of ours and but he was the hottest guy I've um one of the hottest people I've ever seen in my life and I was like talking to him almost kind of romantically we're feeling it out and then early on he was like I can't wait to have Sunday snuggles with you not only does that disgust me on just a I just don was like, I can't wait to have Sunday snuggles with you. Not only does that disgust me on just a, I just don't want to, I don't like calling anything that. But I also was like, why do you want to snuggle with me already?

That's a really intimate thing that you do. I can understand wanting to fuck me already. I'll let that slide. Like, I'm not going to be total, I'd be grossed out by someone saying that. But I understand that fucking really doesn't have to be predicated by like an intimate connection but sunday snuggles sound like you do and that sounds like something i have to maybe start that that phrase with you as well like that sounds like something he made up with another girl and it's just like ah every girl knows about sunday snuggles but i just was like you don't know me well enough to want to snuggle me we've never even met we've never touched we've never looked each other in each other's eyes in person so why would you

want to do this with me and it turned me off so much wait but you were down to fuck no no no but if he would have said something like I can't wait to be in the same room as you and like grab you or like I would have understood like the sexual desire you can want to men can want to have sex with anyone without seeing anything and so can many women what was it anything anything yes um but they but son i just i don't know and then there was this other guy that was one time kind of love bombing me of like you're so intriguing and like I just can't get you out of my mind and we had barely talked and I said how many siblings do I have and he was like what and I was like if you like you seem to know me so well and be so intrigued do you want to do you know how many siblings I have and he was like I have no idea and I was like I think you need to

know that before you're like desperately uh yearning for me in this intellectual way or like you you're you're talking about like you know me really well you don't know even the most like banal thing um and then you're like the dad on love is blind season whatever when they were in seattle remember what's her name's dad was like how many siblings does she have or that's a great question to know if someone knows you it's just a that's a first date question that should get out of the way and not that you should retain that information on the first date maybe you'll need refreshers I even with my friends need to be like how many what sibling are you like it's it's fine but down someone professing how much they're into you and how

much they're ready to like move forward they should know that already like they should want to know those things about you so anyway he he was like whoa you just schooled me he was like you're so right that's so good i'm gonna put that in this script i have because i'm writing about this narcissist who all he does is talk about himself and i needed some turning point where he's revealed to be one and i think it's great if the other character says how many siblings do i have and i go wait okay you still don't know how many siblings i have and you just took my idea and made it your own and it was like it that just like is there any have you guys been love bombed early on and will you tell me the other side of it where you don't really care if he knows that stuff about you or maybe they're just so good

at acting like they this is the first time it's happened to them and they it's love at first sight i mean there's arguments for that as well i mean i i kind of believe in love at first sight so why wouldn't i believe in the idea of someone loving me immediately well i'll speak for an early experience uh i got to san diego i didn't know anybody i was a new dj on the radio there i was 25 so i really had no friends and then i met this guy and he was just like he said kind of all the right shit like right away like and and i'm it's the same thing with people in cults like how do intelligent self-aware people fall into a cult like so many it's not like everybody's a ding dong no but it's usually you're in a vulnerable point in your life it's not like your personality is like the type that

would get into a cult it's usually a finite moment in your life that you're either alone changing jobs or in some transitional period maybe you're you just had a breakup or whatever somebody died and you're kind of longing for something or searching for something i think i wanted connection and friends and this guy was like whoa you are fine and which i didn't like at all but then he was like i'm gonna like i want to be i want to like marry you and i'm such a psycho romantic that i was like whoa maybe this is it this is the guy i'm not i'm not opposed to that actually uh so i guess first meeting so i'm being like i'm gonna marry you well like just because you hear of the story because i'm a romantic too and you hear the stories of guys being like calling their mom being like i met the girl i'm gonna marry tonight and then it is

little do you know that guy says it about every single woman he meets so it's bound to happen once and the story will pay off you know another red flag like brian was listing when they want to hang out with you every day male or female heterosexual you you know, not, or same-sex friends, whatever. If someone wants to hang out with you every single day, they say it's a red flag. That was me with you in the beginning. Yeah, but we had dinner every night for like four nights in a row.

And it wasn't... I worked out more. Me too. No, it's like, we were both in vulnerable positions. you're fine well you can love bomb in friendships also but like the the key the key is um you didn't at some random point just turn on anya and start decimating her entire being being as cruel as humanly possible to destroy her. Yeah, and I've had that with two female friends.

One developed borderline personality as a result of very hard times and drug addiction, and she was diagnosed with that later. I don't think you have to be born with it. I might be wrong. And then the other female friend, I just didn't know that well, and I think I was in another. I had just gotten out of a breakup and she was like very um knowledgeable about stuff much older than me kind of took me under her wing i had always thought she was very like fascinating almost like the oprah of this one

friend community i had and um and then yeah she exploded on me one day in such a rage but thank god i had sort of what you were talking about, Nikki, like this baseline value system. It was like, I'm not. No, no, no, no, no. Like, this isn't a match for me. No, it was just like you with the guy being like, I want to be with you, but he doesn't know your sibling's name. I was just like, you don't talk to me like no one talks to me like this. Like, I don't have out.

I don't have drama on the street. Like she did it on the street and was like, you're controlling it. It was insane. Brian, you've read the books. Why do they snap like this? Is it because of there's,

like you said, there's something that happens that they can't control and it like breaks their psyche? Or they're always trying to get something. What are you going to get out of screaming at someone on the street? that they can't control and it breaks their psyche. They're always trying to get something. What are you going to get out of screaming at someone on the street? Why do they snap?

It's going against what they want, which is survival and to feed off of people. It often pushes people away. Why do they do that? It depends on the situation. So if you're a borderline in a relationship and then you spend the first several months or even maybe up to a year. I mean, I can't imagine having a year of love bombing and then having it turn, but they'll be love bombing you and love bombing you and love bombing you. And then all of a sudden, the borderline will feel like they are too close to you.

And they can't be too close, but they also don't want to be too far away. So they love BOMU to get in there. They really want to get in there because being far away is bad for them. They don't want to be alone, that's for sure. And then if they get too close, they all of a sudden get anxiety about being too close, and they need to do something to push you away. So that's when they'll turn on you. It's black and white thinking where they'll just all of a sudden you go from I love you so much to you're the devil and I hate you because there's something about being that close that's scary because, I mean mean if you want to get into like their childhood trauma or whatever it's because when they have borderlines are made from trauma i don't know

exactly but it's definitely you know some people say that like a little nature nurture some people say that like they don't nobody knows why but some people say yeah it's like bunions people say it's hereditary and i think it's it's always caused by shoes yeah yeah like some people say it's like bunions people say it's hereditary and i think it's it's always caused by shoes yeah yeah like some people say like you can become a narcissist just because you were held too much as a baby or you can become um a borderline or because you because you weren't held enough as a baby yeah it's just like but it sounds like they're both uh anxious and um avoidant attached yeah so people of that so people with borderline uh have dealt with every time they get close or have a close relationship they um get hurt and their whole existence is to avoid that pain at the same time they probably felt like

they didn't get enough love um from they cared about, like their parents. And so that's why they love bomb is because they try to become the perfect person that will receive this love. But then they get scared because they're like, well, now that I have this love, I'm afraid that I'm going to get hurt and damaged. So I'm going to push you away. So then they turn on you because the best way to protect yourself from love is to convince yourself i don't love this person anymore in fact that person's a fucking devil who i hate who stinks like shit i would never want to have sex with in the rest of my life in fact if this person died i'd be happy like that's literally what they convinced themselves i have traces of I think I don't ever blow up at the person, but privately I, when I am,

but when I feel anger towards someone, it turns into like, I want to cut it off. I hate them. Like I can go to hate so fast and I always talk myself out of it. And luckily I don't ever say it to the person because I'm too scared of, I'm always thinking ahead and going like, what i regret this so i never actually put into action these you might be like but i do have these intense like i fucking hate them i never want to see them again they're disgust i say the meanest shit about not good guys like about you know

people who are still in my life and i've said things about them that if they knew that i said that or thought that i'd be gone but i didn't really think that it was just like my brain got hijacked what do i do like should i feel bad about it i can't stop it you're and you are you have traits but you're you're like not you you're right outside the door of a personality disorder, but you don't have one because you're knocking on the door. Obviously, part of having one, it's fun to have one because it's like you're a fuck. If you get into a relationship with someone with a personality disorder and you're in one for a really long time, you get what they call fleas, which is you start to adapt the traits of someone with a personality disorder and you're in one for a really long time you get what they call fleas which is you start to adapt the traits of someone with a personality disorder and i did that um after i got out of a relationship with a borderline and i was a fuck that was part of why i was i got so good at dating was because like i just i just knew all i i could do all the tricks that the

borderline did but like this is so true. You may have fleas. I got some fleas. You might have fleas, but I don't think you have a personality disorder because you're far too empathetic and introspective. Those two things do not combine with... Borderlines will go to therapy, but they won't change.

They'll go to therapy just to affirm and to build themselves up. I don't think, I mean, yes, look, I want to just clarify, I'm speaking about borderlines right now like they're animals and they're not animals. There are plenty of borderlines who have been to therapy

and are willing to change. And I know borderlines who are absolutely amazing people. But in order to do that that you need to go to therapy you need to accept therapy you need to be like diagnosed as a borderline and then to change and then do basically uh uh the work neuro linguistic programming you need to you you need to look at you need to do behavioral cognitive therapy where you go like, okay, everything in my being is telling me that I should turn on this person and hate them. And then you need to train yourself to be like, that's not right, even though that's exactly what I want to do. standard brain works or how it or a good thing and fight against that until eventually you can

train your brain to not be borderline anymore and i've seen i've seen it happen where it's like people can pick it up you could probably drop it off yeah you can drop it out if it's much harder if you were born with this and like it's a trauma that is intrinsic into your the core of your like brain stem that like that's really hard but it's possible and just because you're diagnosed with borderline does not mean you can't change and can i say something ameliorate those things i love the word ameliorate ameliorate it's a beautiful name for a little girl i'm gonna name my daughter that yeah by the way can i also just quickly say i had a song in this film called borderline the film and

it's an excellent documentary directed by uh rebby ratner and you you should check it out it's really really good border why did you say that name like anyone would know how to spell it rebby rebby rebby how do you spell that uh r-e-b-b-i-e i think all right anyway it's it's good and it follows a borderline around or a couple of them and it's so interesting in their therapy sessions and everything so you can learn more about it yeah yeah i mean this is all like so fascinating what i was like gleaming onto about what brian was saying is that you have to want to change or that you have to be like, I don't want to be this way anymore. I was listening to, I'll just say this vaguely, if anyone wants to bite, about someone saying recently in my life that they noticed things about themselves. I don't relate to feeling out of control with the way I'm reacting to something,

I guess. And you might be like, yes, you do Nikki all the time. So maybe enlighten me if I'm wrong about this. I've never felt frustrated. I hate the way I am and the things I like and the things I don't like and the level of talent I have. I fucking hate and I wish all the time I could be different in that way. I wish I liked hiking. I wish I worked, like all of those things, but I'm never like, I'm so mad that I cried about this thing. I'm so, and yes, I've said before, like, I wish I could cry more, but it's, I've never been mad at my, like the way I react to something. And I feel like I've heard people say they're upset about the way that they react and they're like, wish they could react better. And and i want to understand that and is that a narcissist of me to never question the way i act like sometimes i'm

like oh that was a little embarrassing but i'm not like i'm never so insanely frustrated by the way i've reacted so potentially maybe you are you could just be an extremely high-functioning narcissist who has learned how to do certain things to make people believe that you're not. So, like, I don't think this is true, but it could be that your empathy is not real. It's not real that your empathy is a behavioral not a behavioral trait i'm eating like meat and cheese at night or no or you're just like i learned that i can get away with certain things if i then follow it up with extreme empathy or i learned that um as long as i mimic someone who's introspective then uh people won't believe that I have a personality disorder so it could be that

that's what a narcissist would say let's change the subject I think what you're saying is consistent you let people off the hook and then you are also really good at letting yourself off the hook so I think it's just you practice what you preach

maybe that's it I'm just never embarrassed by my outbursts, really. It's rare that... I mean, there's been times, but I just... It already happened, so what am I going to do? It's more about the things I don't do, that I am filled with regret and hatred for myself, is all the things I don't say,

and just the things that I don't have like I'm I'm more have um like I'm more fretting about that but I've heard even like you guys speak to the fact that like why do I let this thing derail me or something like I guess I never and I let things derail me all the time but I'm never like what can I do to not let this derail me all the time, but I'm never like, what can I do to not let this derail me? I feel inherently I'm right to be derailed. I am right to hate that I don't have enough talent that Taylor Swift has. Why wouldn't I be a little upset and angry that I did not get the lottery in that way that she got the lottery? And I know that's stupid because most people are not going to hit the lottery. Why spend your whole life being mad about it but i know i'm right to be a little bit jealous that someone else got this thing that makes your life so much easier in my mind so i'm not i'm never like why do i i'm mad i feel that

way um and and when i tried it when people try to fix that about me like accept who you are it's it's going in one ear and out the other because i know that i'm right to feel short-changed in many ways and i know that you're supposed to focus on what you have and and maybe compare yourself to people who don't have those things and that's supposed to make you feel better and I do that as well but it doesn't change the fact that I also compare myself to people who just have better bone structure than me or a better voice or you know whatever we can can hold a pick properly and strum which i'll never be able to do i don't relate to i know that i'm right what do you mean

i know that i'm correct in feeling angry that i wasn't born prettier or whatever it is i'm upset about that day i know it's stupid i know that i know that i'm prettier than other people and people could be envious of me because uh or it could be foolish but it's also but it is correct because i want something and they have it so why wouldn't i be correct in being jealous of that i don't get that at all at all really at all it's like it doesn't compute like how can something be foolish and correct like it cannot be both um yeah i think it can like i can feel ridiculous that this is my feeling or i can feel like i know this isn't it's you know not foolish embarrassing to admit i guess because i have so many riches and i was born with so much privilege and all of these things. So it feels foolish in that way.

But it is also correct that there are people that have it way better off than me and I should be jealous of them. That is not true. Okay. That is just an opinion, but not a fact. But you're saying it like it's a fact. See, this is the difference.

It is 100% a fact. It's not a fact. It cannot be proven as a fact. Can it? What can't be? That I'm not good at guitar and someone else is more affinity for it and that I am frustrated by that? That one should be envious of another.

I think it is. If I want to be a great guitar player and that is my biggest goal for myself ever is to be able to like strum efficiently and I do not have the ability to do that no matter how much I practice it doesn't get better and there are people that just have naturally never struggled with strumming it is a fact that I should be envious of them no it's not because it's something I want on you no it's a it's an it's just you're a feeling. You just have this opinion, but it is not a fact.

Facts are things. Things are facts. No, it's not an empirical fact. And you have to compare it backwards also because there are people who are worse than you who can't even play as good as you play.

Right. And yes, I can feel grateful for that, but I also, at the same time, I can still be pissed off that I don't have this thing and i am 100 entitled to that and no one can talk to me out of it feeling is valid yes your feeling is valid

but saying that one should feel a certain way and that is a fact is preposterous i guess the word should is the key phrase here. Yes, there are no shoulds. I'm sorry if you're doing the math. This person wants this thing. This other person has this thing. Therefore, that person should feel envious of that person. No, that person's envy makes sense.

Well, I should go to break and let's not keep talking about this because we're not going to come to an understanding because I know I'm right because I'm probably a closeted narcissist I wish Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at the Daily Show which means he's also back in our ears on the Daily Show ears edition podcast the Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment,

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Let's get to Reddit Dump. Let's do a segment. Can I just say before that, that that conversation was slightly triggering because that, I don't want to say slightly triggering. Nevermind, I didn't say that. I actually like it. You can say slightly activating. That's what my therapist just told me um because yeah um some

a thing that i fought with of my one of my exes i think that i fought with her about all the time was the fact that just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean that that doesn't change reality you know like yes and that's a that's a sign of uh of borderlines that they always say every borderline and i don't care who you are every borderline will say this phrase i feel things more intensely than the normal person and because of that um frequently that causes problems because they they do feel this thing um but that doesn't mean it's connected to anything that actually happened or any sort of reality that's occurring and so but then what what do you do with because my biggest thing is that people are always like you gotta like validate your feelings and my whole childhood was no offense mom and dad if

you're listening but my feelings did not get heard in the way that i needed them heard because i had a lot of feelings as a child as things i've come i've paid thousands of dollars to have this diagnosed so it's true mom and dad i did not have my feelings met i was if i cried about something it was like come off it what are you crying about or if i was angry about something you this is too much you are being ridiculous so now i am been told by therapists honor your feelings your feelings are valid your feelings are real so now i'm all fucked up because now i'm trying this is making so much sense to me now so you you just like being like or feeling justified in the way that you feel yeah is how you are protecting yourself how you're protecting like the child from that shit not heard

yeah because like i'm the only one who can believe it so i only have me to trust that this is real anger or real sadness because no one else will or or I didn't have a chorus of people saying, oh, wow, that is sad because it never, rarely was whatever I was crying about a reason enough to cry about it. Even into adulthood, I cry about things and was met with, what are you crying about? You shouldn't have these emotions. So you have to self-soothe, right?

I have to like double down on like, yes, it is. It is real. And I'm the only one who believes in it. I don't need these emotions. So you have to self-soothe, right? I have to like double down on like, yes, it is. It is real. And I'm the only one who believes in it. I don't need your validation because that's the only way that I'm going to even be able to process this because otherwise I'll trust you and push it down still.

Right. So it has to be a fact to me. And that's really, really healthy to validate your feelings and be like, this is totally valid, no matter how I feel. Envy, jealousy, anger, rage, sadness. your feelings and be like this is totally valid no matter how i feel envy jealousy anger rage sadness this is a this is a real feeling how is that different than saying i should feel this way

because it's like shoulds take that word out of the vocation it's just not helpful so when this this validation thing goes too far you know we talk about Enneagrams having wings? I'm doing what a normal human would do. Which is something I struggle with is like I'm different. If I say the word should, it validates to me that I'm not crazy. Okay, let's change

should to makes perfect sense. How is that different than should? Should is take an action, Nikki. should should is take an action nikki you need to take an act you or like you should is like god in the air with his finger to be like you should be jealous to be a good person like you should be envious and it's just not helpful to be envious all the time like comparison is the thief of joy right shakespeare said it or something so like hey mommy i feel really envious of sally because she has more money than i have and we're poor you should feel envious because wealth is something we all aspire

to that's not helpful but like oh i totally get why you're envious. Yeah, Sally does seem to have a lot of stuff. But you know what we have? Sally's dad left them and they're divorced and Sally's mom is miserable. But we have a quite a happy family here. And we have a dog like, you know what I mean? It's like validate the child's feelings. Like, but do not tell them you should be envious. In fact, because then you're going to spend your whole fuck.

You should spend your whole life being envious. When you grow because then you're going to spend your whole life being envious. When you grow up, you're going to see supermodels that are really skinny. You should want to be skinny like them too. You should have an eating disorder. That is the key difference is that you want your feelings validated so that you're not gaslit. So that you're like, I am feeling this way. You don't want people to say like, you're not feeling this way or it's wrong to feel this way. You want someone to say, well, I understand how you could feel this way so that your feelings are validated

but the key difference between just validation and what like a borderline does is just because you feel a certain way does not mean that that justifies actions you might take based on those feelings. Those feelings might guide you. You might feel angry at somebody. And it's like, I understand why you'd feel angry. But that doesn't mean that what they did actually should anger you. It's not a should. Right. It just reminded me of this joke I was listening to i'm like on a louis ck tear right

now and i think that my favorite joke ever written because it's just the perfect mixture of dark and also a great idea and like you just can't help but laugh about it is that if murder were legal like you everyone would do it it would be happening all of the time the only reason it's not happening is because it's not legal and if people didn't murder if the murder were legal and there you met someone that was like i've just never murdered anyone you'd go like oh god i don't want to hang out with that person and he was like most of the people being murdered would be children by the way people would just be killing their children constantly it would be a problem they would be like we have to start cleaning up

if you murder your kid you have to clean up your murdered kid it was so funny but it was just about like that feel like it reminded me of like you should take action and um and yeah i guess that's the that's the other hurdle that i come to is that when i'm feeling something i want to i feelings aren't enough. Then that's ridiculous. Then feelings, if you're not going to do something with them, then they are stupid.

Well, they inform you of how you're... And then you're just being placated. Like, oh, it's understandable. You feel this way. But you're kind of rolling your eyes like, Jesus Christ, she's fucking losing her mind about this doll whose hair isn't straight or whatever I used to cry about as a kid. Like, there's still that like, oh, Nikki, that's so sad. But like looking at each other like, her mind about this doll whose hair isn't straight or whatever I used to cry about as a kid like

there's still that like oh Nikki that's so sad but like looking at each other like what the fuck is wrong with our child EJ like I would catch those glances and that I think is where you're taught where now I'm getting activated because you're like it doesn't the your action should not you didn't you don't get to act on it and i want to act on it i.e sob wildly and hurl my body around a van a moving van because my barbie doesn't have straight about it you you should like the other day we had a friend who's very angry and she took nikki's advice and listened to a taylor swift song and really loud and raged in her car and screamed to the song and it was really cathartic

for her she didn't hurt anybody she didn't yell at anybody she didn't fire off any emails together and this is why we can't have nice things and that's a healthy use of anger like she got her feelings validated by all of us on the girls chat and then she was able to express it in a healthy way yeah you know because you don't have control murder three people and throw them into a bog you don't have control over your feelings your feelings just come up from your subconscious and so you can't say that someone feeling something is wrong or right or that you should or shouldn't feel a certain way you don't have any control over it they just come but like imagine a scenario where you're driving your car and then someone cuts you off and then you feel so angry that you want to kill

the other person yeah you can't just go kill the other person because you feel angry that was how louis got into this bed he's like when i'm driving it's the worst person i've ever i'm just like i'll fucking kill you and it's like why because you had to go like you had to push on the brake for two seconds yeah like why does it elicit and we're all driving these weapons around other weapons it should be the time that we're most compassionate why does this time bring out the worst in us yeah um yeah you shouldn't be able to kill someone. I get that. Your emotions, even though they feel real and even if you feel them more than others, they do not justify

your actions. Now it makes sense to me why you say this phrase a lot. I know I'm right. You say, I know I'm right a lot. I know I'm right about Matchbox 20. And if you guys, if anyone comes at me about Matchbox 20, you're just wrong. Or like Taylor Swift, you'll say, I know I'm right. I still think I'm right about Matchbox 20. And if you guys, if anyone comes at me about Matchbox 20, you're just wrong.

Or like Taylor Swift, you'll say, I know I'm right. I still think I'm right. Yeah. And like, I know I'm right to feel whatever we were talking about earlier. Like I know I'm right to be. Yeah. And that's because what you just revealed today, which was so interesting, that you did not have your little childhood feelings validated truly validated so this is your adult way of being like i'm not crazy and i am like that might be the reason

you're a comedian self-parenting i mean yeah you go self-preservation you go up on stage and you say i'm not that's the thing i'm like having a narcissist time where it's like you can say i'm wrong all you want and i'm just like poor anya doesn't get it that matchbox 20 is the greatest you've helped me with this before like i have i have bad trauma around um cheating and it's like i i have these very valid feelings sometimes that are really painful that are like I'm afraid of being betrayed or I'm afraid of being cheated on or I'm I'm like jealous envious of jealous of somebody and um and I just have to like be super gentle with myself and be like those are really valid feelings if I go to a place of like you're

fucking nuts get over this like just be a cool girl stop with this it doesn't do anything like it just makes it worse but if i can just be like wow you had a lot of trauma so much trauma around this and it was not fair and it was not cool that helps to just be like oh there's a lot in me that like needs healing and i need to be patient with that part of me. But then with the action that it's not like and I'm right to feel this because all men are fucking cheaters. That's where I want to go with it. There's a part of me that wants to go there like and I know I'm fucking right because I have all this evidence. So I am right that all men will cheat and you and like all this shit.

But it's like no the more mature conclusion is deal with your feelings they are valid but deal with them in a healthy way no try to trust trustworthy people they are out there you know choose healthy relationships etc etc yeah I relate to that black and white thinking of like they're all like i'm like every woman that is regarded as the hottest woman is thin and has great bone structure and her skin isn't sagging off her face in the ways mine is so i literally am horrific and should probably kill myself because what's the point if that's all you should aspire to be like that's where my mind goes to just kill yourself if you just can't be the best or if you know in in the lens that you're saying it i if i felt the way about cheating i'd be like you're never gonna find a man who is all men cheat all

men want to cheat even if they don't cheat they want to and even that bothers me so i'll just never fucking ever trust a man right um but there's always exceptions there are people that find um other like at my point it always is with like people are like but there are men who are attracted to other things I'm like but they'd rather have something else and I never want to be an exception because the guy's like well I can't get Emily Radizowski so i guess i'll settle on nikki glazer like if you want someone else more than me i don't want to be with you i want to be the number one thing you could ever imagine achieving in your life and there's no

one better than me which is insane because there's always going to be someone more attractive than you especially as we age dude final thought yeah the word you just said you have to discuss with your therapist because that is so telling you said achieve yes you said achieve about nikki glazer a guy saying i'm going to achieve nikki glazer i want to be that's why I don't mind if my boyfriend is attracted to other women or is intimate with other women because if he stays with me, I'm constantly proving to myself that I am the best

and that he hasn't left me for her yet. So like he can go sample other cakes, but I'm the one he's eating late at night. Like I'm the one he's taking home. You're the trophy? Yeah. So I don't care if's taking home. You're the trophy? Yeah. So I don't care if he does other stuff because it's like,

that's just stuff to see if he wants it. But guess what? He doesn't. And I keep getting validated. That's why I like that. It keeps validating that I am number one. Whereas if we go through, like I did a joke last night on stage

that was like, I've been in a 10 year relationship, pretty much, you know? And I was just talking about how like age has affected my body, on stage that was like i'm in it's been in a 10-year relationship pretty much you know and um i was just talking about how like age has affected my body especially like my vagina and stuff and like things that just don't look the same lately and they don't feel the same and it's annie gave me the line of it's getting jowls and um it's getting jowly down there and uh it's starting to look like my grandma in the final years of her life like my vagina at 39 so it's true it like reminds me of mimi and i miss her every time i look down but

i was saying like if something happened with me and chris i am now like uh-oh like i looked at my vagina and go i wouldn't want someone new to see this. He doesn't notice because it's been over time, but there's no way I could present this right now. The way it is without getting some kind of, my mind goes, if Chris breaks up with me, I have to get vaginal surgery because I can't have someone new see this. So I need Chris to constantly go out and see new pussies in my mind now to

like validate that he still wants this one because I think he's just gotten used to it. I don't want someone who's just like uh this is all I can get I guess I just have to stay with it because I'm locked in another reason I don't like marriage because it feels like you have to stay with me because now there's a ring on your finger and you made all this pledge in front of all your family and friends and we spent thousands of dollars so that's why you're with me as opposed to he's with me because he could be with anyone at any time and he keeps choosing me being a girlfriend makes it feel like i am fighting for something and achieving something more than if i got married it would feel like an achievement on that day like i did it but past that i'd be like oh i just locked him in a cage and now i'm acting like he wants to stay he doesn't

now he can't leave he's locked in. He doesn't. Now he can't leave. He's locked in. That still doesn't make me feel like I achieved snaring this animal. It's trapped. It doesn't want to be with me. He trapped him in your pussy. Locked him in there. The jowls. Clamps him in.

But this is like, you don't do this with your girlfriends. What do you mean? You don't have an achievement paradigm with your girlfriends. There's you mean? You don't have an achievement paradigm with your girlfriends. You're not like- There's a little bit of that. Like I feel, I'm just so confident that I'm the best friend possible.

And you all can meet each other and find other versions of what I offer in a friendship in other people. But I do feel there's a narcissistic intent. There's nothing I feel more accomplished about in my life than the ability to collect amazing girlfriends and to nurture amazing friendships that both support me and that I feel uh that I can support them there's nothing more in my life that I'll ever be more proud of put it on my gravestone I'm the best at making girlfriends no question about it it's true but i know but the

love it's like love is not a the way the words you're using are but it's like collect what collect girlfriends yeah like i mean i'm just i'm trying to be i'm saying it for humor okay okay good but i mean like with chris it makes, it's a, I don't know. Like, that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself that you have to be the best. You do? I love it. I want it. I don't want him.

I want to constantly be the best. What about porn? Because that is in me. You see a porn, what if he sees pussies in porn? Is that enough? He looks at those pussies and he goes, ah, I want glaze. You know, is that fine? Yeah, that actually is enough. I do, I do like him to and porn. Is that enough? You look at those pussies and he goes, ah, I want glaze. You know, is that fine? Yeah, that actually is enough.

I do like him to watch porn, honestly. To just have an idea of what's out there and what he could be getting yet he still chooses me. That is 100% correct that it turns me on to hear, even when I hear him on the radio,

be like, yeah, there's been some attractive Jeopardy contestants lately. Or like, you know, there been some attractive, uh, Jeopardy, uh, contestants lately, or like, you know, there was some headline about the hottest Jeopardy contestant ever. They were reading about it. And Chris is like,

Chris watches Jeopardy every day. And he's like, there've been some really good looking ones recently. It was like the most banal thing. He was just being very polite, but like, he didn't even say good looking. He's like some really impressive,

you know, physically impressive people on the show. And I like wrote him like i heard you say this and i was like i loved it so much and then kristen bell came up and he goes man she is something and i was like oh yes like i don't know why that turns me on because i see that he now i know he is in tuned with other things. He's not given up. He's still noticing other women are attractive. That means he's constantly calibrating. I got to keep up.

I like that. I never want to, I don't like being complacent or feeling like I just, and I know a lot of people are probably like, this is so sad. Nikki never feels safe. I a hundred there. The truth is I'm probably a narcissist because I know there's no one better for me than him.

He could break up with me and end up with someone. I'd be like, he's always going to think about me, even though that's not the truth. And there are men in my past that I've said that about and I don't feel that way. I'm like, no, that person's better for them. They never think about me at all. But for Chris, I'm certain I'm the best he could do. I think that's confidence, not narcissism. But you said he's the best.

I know I'm confident that he is the best person for me. Didn't you just say that? I'm the best person for him. I'm confident right now that he's the best person for me. And I'm constantly calibrating that too, to be quite honest. Yeah, it sounds like a good match. Yeah, and it's like, because I want to be with the best. I want the best.

It's almost like you guys are in a standstill in an arm wrestling match and nobody can slam the other down. He would hate this. He's not like this. This is an invention in my own mind. He has no idea that, I mean, it's not like I'm constantly like,

is this guy better? Is this guy better? Not like that. I'm just like, and it's not even about better, like, is this guy better? Is this guy better? Not like that. I'm just like, I, and it's not even about better, better looking, taller,

whatever, more money. I don't weigh those things. It's like, could someone love me more? That is, if, if someone comes into my world that I'm like,

and they, but they can't get in because I'm our, they, they couldn't even get in the door right now because I'm in a relationship. So there's not a good chance of someone proving that. But if he starts to show signs of not loving me enough, if he were to suddenly start saying cruel things, which he's never done in his whole life,

or just ignoring me, being affectionate-less, things like that, I 100% would start looking for someone else to love me more. But so that is, and i think everyone should is that crazy i don't think that you should just settle just because you're married like for whatever that person's willing to give you well if the person is no longer giving you what you need in the relationship and then they're also unwilling to put in any effort to give you those things you would have to address it with them and say hey i've noticed this is a thing

that's happening because it could be like they're going through a depression or something like that but yeah their teeth hurt their teeth hurt i mean that is a huge thing brian is in constant pain he's at a seven most of the time in pain from one to ten and he i'm feeling okay right now i haven't eaten yet but what are you at right now uh four four out of ten okay that's not bad that's not bad that's not bad if people have chronic pain and you are in my life

please let me know because otherwise I just think you're a dick not that I ever thought Brian was a dick but I just think I'll go oh Brian's like

bored with me right now or whatever and these aren't things I've actually thought but I will just take it personally but when someone's like I'm I'm cramping right now really bad I my back hurts whatever it is I suddenly all of the things I'm like why is this person such a grump like it it suddenly alleviates it for me and then I'm like oh okay and then now I'm like I don't take anything

personally but people man I'm not someone who has lived in chronic pain, but I've said it on the podcast before. If you do, I have so much empathy. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you go to work. I don't know how you dress your kids in the morning. I don't know how you are. Not a narcissist.

What? Not a narcissist. Honestly, the way I feel about people in pain, I had a dream last night that my friend was in pain and I was just like helping them and like helping them and like holding them and getting them things and like just like rubbing their head like patting their head gently because they were in pain and like I I'm I'm like uh Brian is someone in my life that's

in pain a lot and then my other friend Bill is currently in a lot of pain and I have to be around him a lot and I'm like it's hard for me to be around them because I'm so like give me some of it like can I please take some of it like because I'm also like and then I get a narcissistic

thought of like man I suck if I had that I wouldn't be here and he's here he's better than me and then I start hating myself because I'm like

I'm such a pussy I could never do what they're doing and then I make it about myself no how do you do it? How do you get through it? I just want to say, let that be, it should be a life lesson that everybody takes to the account is never, ever take anything personally because it is almost

never about you. If someone's acting like a dick or being a little short or whatever, trust me, it's not about you. So yeah, what I say about people who are in chronic pain or stuff, there's no excuse. It's just like when you feel things in a certain way. My pain feelings are just emotional feelings that are manifesting through physical symptoms. Because I feel that way, that's not an excuse to be a dick. That doesn't excuse any type of behavior. You still have to be your best self despite that. And so,

but on the other side of it, do not take it personally. If someone's a dick to you, you can hate them. You can be like, I don't think that I don't want to be around that person. They're going to act like that all the time. But like,

know that it's not something that you did. It's not about you. It's about them every single time, even if they're gonna act like that all the time but like know that it's not something that you did it's not about you it's about them every single time even if they're not in pain physically i said this the other day in mixed company because brian and i were hanging out with some people and i noticed that brian there's someone that we were hanging out with that was like in a bad mood because of pain and i and brian shared something and I said uh yeah I had that same experience and um and I go just no and both me and my girlfriend were like just no it is not like it's don't take it personally and he was like oh I I don't I would I would there was no even Brian this is the difference maybe between men and women uh if'm going to be more obtuse about it but me and this girl were like so ready to just convince him that it wasn't his fault and he

was like no I know that I'm I'm not scared of this person I don't I'm not mad at them I don't think I did something wrong um they're just in pain like it was just a little awkward but that doesn't mean I'm gonna like feel sad about it all day. And I'm like, what would that be like? I got offended yesterday when I went to the cafe and the girl who I ordered my coffee from was a little bit short with me. I couldn't get out of my head for like four hours. This girl, I'm never going to see again.

She doesn't even work there. The girl that I like was just not there. And this girl was like, I'll have your coffee in a second. Cause I accidentally grabbed the wrong one. And then she forgot to put a stevia in it and i go hi can i can i get a stevia and she should have said oh sorry i forgot but instead she goes yeah and i'm like yeah because i asked for one before and you remember it because i even said one and a half because you were like do you want two and i said yeah one and a half what the heck is that weird we had a little laugh

about it or i guess i did and then she's like and then she was uh rude to me i could i'm still angry about it but brian was just like oh yeah i wouldn't i don't take things personally it was just how do you not do that have you always been that way brian um in a situation like that i mean i can totally understand when someone's got full of stress and they just kind of snap at you and it's like well that's not definitely not about me i don't know i guess it doesn't stay with you all day like even though you know cognitively it's not like you still feel guilty i should have done something differently now they don't like me mentally it might stay with me all day just to be like uh uh just to come just to say like can you believe that but i'm certainly not reeling over it.

And you're not making a judgment about yourself and like, I'm a piece of shit. No, I'm kind of, I calculate like, well, now knowing that this person might act that way when they're in high stress situations, what can I do to, in a situation like this, I do not walk on eggshells in a relationship like this in a romantic relationship but I'm thinking like, okay, so what can I do

in order to make that not happen again when interacting with me to taking that into account. Boy, brain. Oh, God. I wish that for every woman listening to this podcast right now.

A little bit of that. My worst character flaw. The amount of times I see myself and my friends derailed for weeks on end from anything productive they could be doing because one person got mad at them at one point that had nothing to do with them. And I can see it so clearly because I'm not in it. There's years of people's lives wasted every day from short interactions that have nothing to do with them. Please, God, stop wasting your life worrying about people being mad at you. Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

It's the biggest waste of time. Go write a poem. I forgot to mention that also every morning I've been slipping a little bit of arsenic into his coffee. Just like a little bit. So it will come back. So it is your fault. Oh, yeah. I will get my vengeance. Just one like a little bit. So it will come back. So it is your fault. Oh yeah.

I will get my vengeance. Just one and a half packets of arsenic. We gotta go. Thank you for listening to the pod this week, you guys. We really uncovered

a lot about myself today. I appreciate that. And we'll see you next week. Don't be cut. And just feel your feelings. Don't murder someone. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears

on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.