The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #365 Nikki's Deepfakes, Problematic Take on Louis Ck's Comedy & Girl Date with Esther Povitsky

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

According to Nikki, if someone dares to dial you up on FaceTime, they might as well be waving a big red flag that screams, "Psychiatric ward, here I come!" Anya saw Barbie and Nikki is glad to finally have someone to talk about the movie with. She's firing shots at the marketing for the movie and gives the raw answer to why people are flocking to see it. Ready for more of Nikki's off brand opinions? She covers sympathy hoarding and a Deepfake doggy dilemma. Guys need to go on friend dates but Brian shares a time when maybe that was not the best idea. The theme of the podcast are opinions and it was only natural to get into Nikki's problematic take on Louis CK. Nikki ties the show up in a bow sharing her experience seeing Taylor Swift on the Eras tour a comical number of times. *Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast    Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast.

Coming at you live from California where three out of four of us are. Do I hear a plane? An airplane mode? That's probably outside my window. I'm in Studio City, 20 minutes from Burbank Airport, 40 minutes from LAX where they're striking today. Okay. Wait, they're striking at LAX? Yeah, workers in LA are striking today. This is the, they're striking at LAX? Oh yeah,

workers in LA are striking today. This is the new theme. All workers? LA workers are striking and I believe it's... Wait,

all workers in LA? I can read it to you, but I do not know for sure. I think LAX workers. you work for the United States Postal Service. Yes.

He's wearing a shirt. So... I can tell you this definitively that the... Brian's wearing a shirt that says United States Postal Service. Yes. He's wearing a shirt. I can tell you this definitively. Brian's wearing a shirt that says United States Postal Service for those of you not watching on YouTube, which is most of you. Definitively, the United States Postal Service will be delivering the mail today. You will get your packages, your birth control, everything you need.

Very good. It's just city workers. I know that the union of flight attendants did strike with the writers and actors this week, but they were not working. But yeah, the LA city

workers staged one day strike. Impacting services. Thousands of city workers in Los Angeles are taking part in a one day strike to bring attention to what they describe as unfair labor practices and the city's failure to bargain in good faith. So that means that, let's see, traffic services such as, oh no, parking enforcement. That means you can park wherever the fuck you want today and you will not get a ticket. Public swimming pools closed. There will not get a ticket. Public swimming pools

closed. There will be no trash pickup. It's just going to be delayed one day. If you call 311 311 they're not going to pick up. Oh, what a change. Police, fire, paramedics, they're not affected by the strike. I don't know what it's like to call 311

but I'm guessing. When I called 911 in my own city of St. Louis, it was a busy signal, which I haven't heard since 1994. Oh my god, are you serious? A beep, dee, dee, dee. I'm like, I literally haven't heard that since 1994 when I was calling Kirsten Floorman and her dad was on the phone or something.

You don't hear busy signals anymore except on 911. Oh my god. And when we were in Detroit, you just can't get into it rings and rings and rings and why were you calling 9-1-1 um well in st louis i accidentally called i think i might have these backwards but there was one time i called because of a traffic collision somewhere i think that was in detroit yeah we witnessed a traffic incident where a car was just zooming down the highway at like 100 miles an hour

and then we heard a crash ahead of us right Anya? I think you were with Andrew and you guys both tried to get through and then you were there you guys were writing roast jokes for Detroit and she was like oh one of the statistics is that it's the hardest city to get

connected with line on line yeah that's right that's right. That's right. And I experienced it. And then the other time I accidentally, you know on your phone when you like press a certain button,

it'll like start calling the emergency. When you press 911 and then send. But no, when you hit the button a few too many times. You hold the SOS.

I think that's, yeah, so I accidentally did that and it was a, and I was just like, oh my God, I'm calling 911. And then it started being busy signal. And I was like, that's yeah so I accidentally did that and it was a and I was just like oh my god I'm calling 911 and then it started being busy

signal and I was like that's hilarious yeah and then you know sometimes when you're on your phone and like it like text your

ex-girlfriend like a bunch of times at three o'clock in the morning and you're like what the fuck why did it do it no I accidentally

FaceTimed someone the other day and it was humiliating because it was someone whose number was being given to me from another person so i like it's and it just started facetime videoing them from my car humiliating i was hoping they didn't have my number saved i don't think they did they were probably just like that's a weird number coming so but man if it was someone that i had known it

was me what do you i mean you just text and go, sorry, that was a mistake. I would say, I'm going to actually say that whenever I get a FaceTime from someone, I think most of, 90% of the time it is a mistake and it should be because that is a aggressive move. And I'm not the first to say this. This is like very memeable. Everyone knows FaceTiming is yeah and it's not right

and you need to warn the person um and it's a hostile act yeah did you know do you have anyone in your life who does it there's two people two groups of people in your life that can facetime at will without incident and that is your significant other if they want or a family member like my brother facetimes me all the over calling me all the time because he wants to show me my niece isla like playing and like and you gotta film them and you know so other than that though it's pretty crazy sometimes i do get a stray facetime from a friend or something yeah because they're having a bipolar episode. It's like when I get a friend, my friends who do FaceTime me, they struggle with bipolar disorder.

And I'm not judging people that have that. Obviously, I struggle with mental illness, but it's a clear-cut sign something's going on. That's how they diagnose it, I think. There's other things too. My friend always said that people who who she worked in a mental hospital and uh was often working with like actually criminal she was a pathologist for like criminals this isn't taylor but it's another friend of mine but she um she said that people with bipolar

love unicorns what it's a common thing it's not like if you love unicorns you have bipolar but like people with bipolar really just gravitate towards that creature and become like kind of obsessed with it. So my niece, Poppy, she's four, but I'm more, I'm just kidding. I told that to my sister. She was like, wait, Poppy. I'm like, no, she's a child that likes a pretty thing. That's different than an adult being like, I likes which again no judgment like i love birds i love you know and i am probably there's been times where i've thought i've had bipolar but i don't think i do because it requires um mania which i don't really have i have the other one but i don't have the like let's like sometimes i get like amped up but it's because i got too

much caffeine or i'm on some kind of drug or something. But I don't have that upswing. But I have the down one. I'm in really good luck. What is it about unicorns that makes people bipolar? Do they think they are a unicorn? I think they, yeah, I think it's probably that. I don't, yeah, I think something about unicorns resonates with them.

I'm different. I, you know, unicorns are special, but they are mystical. I don't know. There's not many of them. They don't really exist, much like the thoughts in my head don't exist. I don't know. I don't know. I have a friend who's a psychologist, and she told me that

sociopaths love Paw Patrol. Is this real? No, no. I'm just going to lie with you. I was like, oh my God. I have a real statistic though. Okay, what? Those fucking paw patrol people. No, go ahead.

I wouldn't be surprised. You know, people are into like My Little Pony adult men. Well, those are the bronies. Yeah, but that's got to be a disorder of some sort. That's the whole world. Okay.

Anya, you have a real fact? I'm in love with a guy who's a brony. No, this person is not a clinical psychologist, but they do work with children and they say that trans children really love mermaids because it's like half and half.

Half human girl and half fish. Their genitals don't exist. They don't matter. Their genitals are like an afterthought. No, mermaids' genitals are not they don't exist they don't matter people that are yeah their genitals is like an afterthought no mermaid genitals don't matter or like it's not like it doesn't define who they are their hair does their pretty hair and their seashell boobs yeah yeah man you gotta have big boobs if you're a mermaid but if you're a mermaid you don't i still felt like little mermaid

i felt very um that definitely affected my body issues as a child. Like Disney, definitely. The waste on Disney. We talk about Barbie. I'm sorry. I wasn't comparing myself to Barbie. I don't like this whole narrative. I think I've already said it, but of the Barbie movie being successful because they've got it all wrong.

People are like, Barbie's successful because girls loved got it all wrong people are like barbie successful because girls loved playing with barbie and they went to go see the movie to finish the story they told themselves as children no we didn't we're not that basic and stupid we're not like i like barbies and i want to be little again it's because it's directed by greta gerwig who is a phenomenal director it's funny it has margot robbie who we like it has r has Ryan Gosling who we like it's a huge but big budget movie that was marketed to us like nothing else in the history of marketing maybe that's why it's not like we're all like these infantile little idiot girls that are like but I ate Barbie when I was little that's like what they're saying the movie is successful for so now they're having like Polly Pocket movie and like G.I. Joe movie and He-Man movie

and it's like they got it wrong if they think that we're going to see this because we played with these things as kids. Am I wrong about this? Like did you go see Barbie

because you like Barbies? These execs are stupid. They're so stupid. They're wrong on almost every decision they make is wrong. But I think like the press is like glbing on.

I don't globbling onto this idea that girls love Barbie. And that's why they went to see it. It's like, no, because we have good taste in comedy and we're eager for a female comedy. Cause you haven't given us one since bridesmaids. Yeah. I mean,

you gave us one and you let us like that one and be like, it's actually good. Girls finally like something that's good. Here's another thing. Oh my God. And now we have Taylor Swift that you're all acknowledging's actually good. Girls finally like something that's good. Here's another thing. Oh my God. And now we have Taylor Swift that you're all acknowledging is actually good. Oh, girls actually were onto this one.

Okay. It was the first women forward comedy that wasn't just a remake of a man forward comedy from the last 30 years. Oh yeah, like Ghostbusters and then- Yeah, like all that shit. Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie as a team together is like,

why would you not go see that? He can't say Robbie. He's been saying Robbie. Margot Robbie, mozzarella, He said yesterday, he said, wait, say P-E-N-E-E pasta. Penny pasta.

Penny pasta, everyone. He said penny pasta yesterday. I'm from Long Island and I don't... Cheap pasta. There's some words that you just don't leave you. I don't blame you for ordering my coffee the other day and you asked for stevia. I was like, okay, I'll correct him on that one.

He'll never do it again. My dad says vegan. I'm about to see my parents in here. Oh, my dad said that 30 times. I think that was in the 70s. Oh, really? Vegan. My dad says it too.

I broke him of it finally um but he also says you know when they when my parents take an edible they do say did you get off on that my dad goes julie did you get off on that yet we were we got off so much last the other night we were watching this beatles documentary we both got off on these. I was just like, disgusting. Well, vegan is actually one of the brightest stars in the night sky. It's Vega

and the vegan star system is a thing. So when you say vegan, it also means that, which is also the site of an evil race of aliens. Wow, you almost got as annoying

as a vegan. But last night, I got, there was a moment with my friends that we were like uh i forgot what oh what were we talking about we were talking about a ladybug or something and they were saying oh we were talking oh we were talking about your possum story brian we were like telling filling our friends in about the possum incident where brian had witnessed that a possum got trapped by his neighbor in an animal trap so the possum would stop eating his crops or whatever and then the

possum was just left there to fucking die and brian called the you know animal control which they wouldn't pick up the phone today if they called because la city is on strike and these girls were like that is so cruel and i'm like yeah you just left it there to suffer and they're like people who do that to animals are just it's seriously sociopathic and I go do you guys eat animals and they were like Nikki and I go I'm just wondering because they're animals being treated like that all the time because you eat them and I just started laughing I was like I got it and I got it and I changed it on you because they were like anyone who supports that is sociopathic and I was like really because I think you do but I was just joking like they were like, anyone who supports that is sociopathic. And I was like, really? Because I think you do.

But I was just joking. Like, they were like, oh, Nikki. And I was like, I'm just kidding. I have to slide in a little, like, you know, burst of hypocrisy when I can. Let me get it in. I'm not, like, over the top all the time. You have to get off somehow. I got to get off.

We got off. Wait, speaking of the Barbiebie movie anya you did see it and i'm just like i've been dying to talk to anyone about the barbie movie i know it is like weeks and weeks um past but i guess i actually now we can maybe talk about it with a little more freedom because people maybe have seen it more but just in case we're going to talk about the barbie movie and i don't think we're going to spoil it at all but i want to just hear if we do a spoiler we'll give you a yeah yeah that wow joking okay well um do it before you do the spoiler and people can do like 10 seconds ahead or something oh yeah i'm gonna take my headphones down uh you want to know what i thought of barbie

oh shit i like you don't want to hear this if you don't want to be spoiled what anya thinks about it i don't have i'm not like i don't have an amazing take or anything. It was so overhyped. And I'm a huge Greta Gerwig fan, I think. I haven't, you know, I've seen almost all her films. And I love her and I want to support her and I think it's great. But it's also like, I'm not, you know me, I'm not like a huge fan of blockbuster things in general. Or like super popular things.

But that sounds crazy to say that. I don't like things because they're popular. No, I'm not. I just happen to not be a fan of big blockbuster. I'm not like, what did we talk about before? Some film that I was like, I don't love Titanic. And you were like, how can you not love Titanic? I just don't love a huge movie.

But you just don't like it because it's huge? That doesn't make sense. It does make sense. It does make sense. It's overly produced. Yeah, these things have to be, exactly. It's the same as a lot of the music. I don't. Wait, you didn't love Ant-Man Quantumania?

I understand not liking a movie because you don't like the movie, but I just was wondering, you can't just not like something because it's huge. There has to be some aspects about, but you did say that so that's why i question but now you're not saying yes i'm saying i tend to not love things that are huge here's why they have to take a lot of boxes to be popular like you have to have huge music like i didn't love all the music you know it's like all the but they were great songs i guess but what it was it

like cardi b at the end grimaced when you said she literally was like and there are some great songs it looked like your back hurt when you said it like you're picking up on heavy box they have to pick all the top five or top 10 artists to do these songs that are really it was like this is do a leap and i'm'm singing a song about Barbie as you're trying to listen to dialogue and actually some of this is funny what I'm saying so you gotta listen to this and you gotta listen to her and you gotta listen to me and now here's Lizzo

she's coming on in here's Cardi B Nicki Minaj let's get in all three it was like it was like a lot when there's too many jokes in the songs I'm just like and then putting Dua Lipa into the movie felt forced. I mean, I know they saw her on a soundstage in the UK and it didn't fit anything,

but I love when singers can't act. It really brings me a lot of joy. When you go, and there's a big difference between what's going on here and what's going on over there. And she shouldn't be able to act. She is amazing at singing. I love when someone's super talented a singer songwriter who is like such a good dancer like i love and you're gonna people who know are gonna go do a leap as a good dancer

yes she fucking worked it and now she's a really good dancer because she did an embarrassing dance when she first went on tour and everyone made fun of her for it and now she's fucking dominates the stage. But when she's not the best actress and as someone who is good at one thing and bad at many other things, I like to see it in my fellow performers. Because didn't you think there was a

screeching halt when she was almost the projector broke and someone put in a self-tape in her scenes? Julie Five! She was the mermaid when she broke and someone put in a self-tape in her scenes. Oh, Dua Lipa. She was the mermaid. When she was the genderless mermaid. She was?

I forgot. I was just like, is that Dua Lipa? So I guess there was a screech in my mind of like, is that who I think it is? Yeah. There were a lot of those actors where you're like, wait, that's a big actor in a tiny role. I wish, here's what I loved about the film.

Margot Robbie is incredible. She was so good. that's a big actor in a tiny role i wish here's what i loved about the film margot robbie is incredible she was so good so aside from being like shockingly gorgeous she's just like she's so great she's subtle she doesn't overdo anything i thought the script was pretty great here's what i wish there would have been more oh i loved how you're just thinking the whole time, like Mattel signed off on this. They're getting roasted in this film, which I love. But of course, they know they're going to sell a shit ton of Barbies after this. But still, they get pretty skewered. So belated spoiler.

But here's what I didn't love. Will Ferrell is so funny. I thought he was underused. I just kept wishing, like, do a couple more punch-ups. Yes. Really? What was laugh out loud funny of him? Will Ferrell, him just dealing with those guys on the rollerblades was hilarious.

Every scene where he would just touch someone. He's just such a subtle comedic actor. I just thought he was, he added so much to it. But I couldn't agree more that let's just do one more pass on the script and punch things up. But from what i can tell from all the stuff they talked about is that they had to fight so hard to get the stuff through that they did and from my experience in these kinds of situations that was like the most they were willing to budge on super weird funny stuff did you also love that line where they cut in and

said margot robbie's not the best person to do the scene yes when they're talking about how Barbie finally becomes sort of human and ugly and then Helen Mirren's overdub voice is like all right we admit that Margot Robbie isn't the best person for the scary that was great and America Ferrara's speech was great I love all the you didn't like it well it's it's been talked about a lot i maybe that was overhyped to me because we got to it and i thought this is going to be a speech that makes me just go whoa but sometimes when people complain too much about what it's like to be a woman i just kind of i'm such a i i am a feminist i complain about being a woman all the time it's like the crux of who I am but it just becomes like I almost stopped listening by the end of it and it's like it's all about like if you're fat they don't like you if you're too skinny they don't like you

you can't be too mean but you have to be nice enough to this you gotta do this and it's like okay yeah like Taylor Swift covered this on the man a few years ago I'm not kidding you like it's like okay yeah like taylor swift covered this on the man a few years ago i'm not kidding you like it's it's all been said before it didn't seem like that groundbreaking to me and everyone i think that speech if i had not heard about like oh my god this speech that she gives wait till you hear it i think i would have been like that was cool but i was like yes this moment that's gonna make me feel a lot of things I just didn't um it didn't resonate with me but I did you know and I also hate to be like it sucks being men too but it kind of does and like I don't know I'm over this thing of like making men feel bad every man

feel bad about the way it is to be a woman I think I used to be on that train of like you guys need to know how much it sucks and you have it so good. But it's like, I'm starting to see that men have it kind of shitty too. And not that it's like we should just forgive everything and never talk about our struggles. I'm not saying that.

And I did think Barbie handled the struggle of men well too. Life sucks for everybody. Life does suck. It's just there's different degrees of suck. I mean, I guess it's like if you have some privilege or whatever, that's nice. But like everybody likes to,

doesn't matter who you are, but everybody likes to pretend that their struggle and suffering is the worst one. Yes. And maybe it is. I'm a bit over that. Maybe it is,

but like everyone's got their thing everyone's got their struggle and there's no group of people women men black white whatever that is every single person is struggling more than every other person in the other group it's based on the individual that's what martin luther king said and did he? no no that was just me I feel like in closing this out I just feel like I have so much more to say no but it's just this segment

I just want to say that like I know we're never supposed to be like you know when you didn't want to eat your food as a kid your mom would be like there's starving kids in Africa but there are can we all like we stop using that argument anymore of like but your struggle is your struggle like your

hangnail it sucks that your hangnail is infected like you're allowed to feel bad even though there's starving kids in africa because that's you like you don't know their struggle and this is yours and it's enough it's like no it's not there are starving kids in africa be fucking grateful that you know i'm doing a bit right now about how hard it is for me to drink water and like i'm always like god i need to drink more water and it's like there i read about a village where these girls have to walk seven miles to go get water every day for their village right and this is like right now happening in south america somewhere i didn't even like pay attention enough to know the exact place.

And on the way, they get raped a couple times. Not at once, like a couple times. There are gangs of men waiting to rape them. So there's this whole foundation to buy bicycles for these women so that they can go faster to get the water. And I'm like, oh God, all they have is Dasani. And then I have to put in these little like packets to make it like you know

a fruity flavor so that I can drink more of it and it's easy and they have to like put in packets so it kills like a bacteria that will give them giardia and like give them diarrhea until they die and like I'm like oh what's that packet and they're like oh this tastes like shit and it's just to kill off the

fucking worms inside and I'm like oh is it like mango flavor like it oh, what's that packet? And they're like, oh, this tastes like shit. And it's just to kill off the fucking worms inside. I'm like, oh, is it like mango flavor? Like, it's just, it's, you gotta, you have to check yourself. I'm sorry, not every struggle deserves, like, everyone's sympathy all the time. You do have to compare yourself to others. And I think that actually is the worst thing to do, actually, because you're not supposed to compare yourself. I don't know what to do. Okay, we'll figure it out when we get back.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, we're back.

Anya, you had so much to say, you said. You have so much more to say. I was halfway kidding. I was halfway kidding. Do you have anything else to say? Part of me is just like, well, Matt also agreed with you that the speeches were a little too heavy-handed. He's like, I would have liked it more if it wasn't so, like, and here's the moral of the story i would have liked here i would have liked barbie to spend more time in the real world i thought that was really interesting and all of a sudden they like

go back to barbie land i was like already um and i wish brian ryan gosling wouldn't have done such a wink wink nudge nudge to the camera like i like him i like how margot robbie stays in character as barbie the whole time whereas i feel like ken has this moment a lot with the camera where he's like i'm ryan gosling and i'm playing ken and this is ridiculous i disagree with that but i do understand that he had more opportunities to kind of be ridiculous where it broke his character because he we saw his internal struggle of being like okay barbie yeah thanks and then he'd be like oh worried there was more for he wasn't just barbie was just true to herself the whole time she didn't have a lot of internal moments of like

i guess she did when she's like i'm thinking about death it was just um and i liked when they went back to barbie lamb because that's where everything was fucking crazy and the real world was like not really we, not really how people act. Although my friend Adam Ray is in, he's one of the cops when they get arrested. And he said they shot like so, like it was like a seven minute long scene. Like it was such a long scene at the cop station

that whittled down to like a little bit. So I'm sure they shot a ton more um did someone someone actually told me that the best marketing of the whole movie it was a social media guy that i know that runs a big social media company that you know does social media for networks and companies and he said the best thing they did was when uh uh ryan gosling and margot robbie were paparazzi'd filming that scene rollerblading in venice and those shots came everywhere and they're in those you know neon yellow or green depending on your how your eye see thing i've seen things um rollerblades outfits uh she's in that thong. And those pictures,

because I remember when those pictures came out and everyone was like, what the fuck is this? That's so, it's such a good idea. Call the paparazzi. That's how you get things going. So there was a staged paparazzi moment.

Like they didn't. I don't know if it was staged, but if it was, it was brilliant, but it just ended up being like such a good moment for them. And that's why celebrities call paparazzi.

My friend Esther, who I went to Taylor Swift with this weekend, she does these really cool things on Instagram where she has someone just take pictures from her across the street with a camera. And it looks like paparazzi. She's obviously doing it.

She's not saying this is paparazzi, but it's like they're just done in that style. And it looks like paparazzi she's obviously doing it she's not saying like this is paparazzi but it's like they're just done in that style and it looks so much cooler than like posing in like a you know a ring light it's so much better and oh my god i saw the most depressing thing today there are ai models that take two seconds to make that have millions of followers maybe not millions but thousands and thousands probably going to be millions because they had a one had a hundred thousand likes underneath her video or picture so that's like probably a million followers i didn't see it um and they are generating so much money these models that are all in bikinis that are like buy me a coffee and men are like i hope you enjoy your coffee and leaving comments and like drooling over these ai models

that are just they're just generating so much. It's real. It's happening. Where does the money go? To Elon? To someone who's making the models. There's a couple of pretty famous ones that have like tens of millions of followers. Do people know?

Some people know those are AI. These are new ones that they don't know are AI. They don't even know? No. What is life? Go to Justine Bateman's Instagram if you want to see it. That's where I saw this. Those are AI. These are new ones that they don't know are AI. They don't even know? No. What is life? Go to Justine Bateman's Instagram if you want to see it. That's where I saw this because she's obsessed with AI and how it's taking over the movie industry and TV.

And she posted this today. Justine Bateman. Yeah. I mean, there's definitely also like AI porn. You know, like there's AI porn stars now that you can follow and then they'll be. Will someone make a deep fake of me in a gangbang for myself? Please. Oh, I haven't.

Not to put out, but I was like, maybe I don't need to do this ever in my life. Actually, please don't do that because I really don't want to see that. I really, really, I was kidding when I said that. I will not watch it. I won't watch anything that might have me in it. Why wouldn't it satisfy your need? What? Why wouldn't it satisfy your need to do it?

Like it might. Because I actually don't like watching myself. It's not like I want to do a gangbang so I can tape it and watch it back with my family and be like, remember that? Like I want to, when I'm masturbating, when I'm gooning out, it's because I'm imagining it's happening.

You know, I'm not like imagining me watching it, you know? Wait, so what's the point of doing it in real life? You have this real desire to do it in real life. Right. Well, what's the point of doing it in real life? Yeah, like what are you gonna get out of that? Because it's the experience I wanna have. But then you'll remember it and think back on it, right?

Well, I don't want to do it in real life because it's a huge risk of being recognized. And also it's like scary because it's strange dicks that I don't know. It can't really happen. It's like a thing that I want, but I can't. I know, but let's say you're in a parallel universe where you're safe and it happens and it's completely safe. Yes, AI. It's like robots.

Yeah. Let's say you did do it. What isn't the point of it? What is the point of you doing it? It's the same point where people go vacationing. I go, what's the point? You're just going to go there to the Chichen Itza and then you leave. And like, it's just the memory of it.

I don't understand why people do that, but they do it. The memory of it. So you want to have a gang thing. No, it's not the memory. It's the experience. I wouldn't think back people do that, but they do it. The memory of it. So you want to have a gang thing. No, it's not the memory. It's the experience. I wouldn't think back on it that much. I would hope. I think it would haunt me, actually.

I would be filled with shame. I would want to dump it from my memory immediately, like I do going to see museums. I would just want, I did it. So you just want the one-time experience of it. Maybe I would get addicted to it or something be like oh this is great i want to do it again but it'd be like going to six flags or something why do people do that for the thrill of the moment i would think an ai deep fake or whatever of you

getting a bang gang bang i wouldn't like it because i don't they wouldn't use the right picture of me it would be some pic they would take a picture to generate they always do this whenever anyone uses it does deep fakes of me which is very generous and so sweet when they do do it but it's always a picture i really hate of myself so i have to watch this like version of myself from 2014 where i kind of looked you didn't like your eyebrows i just a lesbian who has given up on looking feminine which is not what is fine

for some people and I'm attracted to that and I think it's super hot on others it doesn't it didn't suit me and I was just trying I don't know what I was trying

I was just trying to be like an anti like woman on TV and didn't wear a lot of makeup and it just I look I don't like those pictures

so they always use that and I'm like I can't watch this stuff maybe there is a deep fake of you already. Have you ever searched? There are. There's deep fakes of me.

My friend Brian Monarch makes like, Oh, but no, I mean a porno deep fake. Is that what you're saying? There probably will be eventually after I, after people hear this episode.

It's, I think I probably sent out. Well, they're hard to make, I think. Oh, really? Let's see. No, please, Brian. Do not look that up.

Do not look that up, Brian. that up brian i don't want you seeing that that's real what no and i will say that i have better boobs than any person that you could put me on and so i don't want you doing that because i'll just be like her body is it and you don't have access to what my boobs look like really naked because there's no evidence of that out there so you couldn't make a deep fake of my tits and I wouldn't enjoy it. I did not look at the video, but in five seconds of searching, I have found two deep fakes of you getting banged.

Yes! Okay, it's out there. If you want to go watch that, enjoy it. But it is not me. Do you want to hear the titles? Yes, I do. Definitely do. One of them is pretty you know pretty standard

nikki glazer doggy style so the dog i don't even like it that way they didn't even get it right that is brings me no pleasure um the second one is this one's pretty good nikki glazer the anal slut 2.0 okay that. They nailed it for me there. Someone's been watching my specials. What does the 2.0 stand for? I don't know. Don't you dare click and find out. I'm guessing the 2 is a number 2.

That might be. You know what? This is also. Make it a cameo. This is good news for you. This video, The Anal Slut 2 2.0 was made two years ago that means you were worthy of an anal slut video two years ago even i felt worthy of it for about five years now so this tracks they were a little late um yeah i think i've been open about being

into anal sex for about two years maybe no my first thing I said about it, I think was 2017. So it's been, it's been a long time coming. Thank you to whoever made those. It's also seven minutes long. And can we see views before, please don't click on it, but can you see how many views? I just X'd out of it,

but I can find it again. Don't go back. I'm not going to go back. Okay, good. Seven minutes. What's the warm-up you're answering the door for the pizza guy well seven minutes is typically the amount of time i like a video that's about sometimes when i'm searching on porn videos i do 10 minutes plus because i want usually if one video is hitting the right spots for me in terms of like oh i like what they're doing to her there there's gonna be another part of it that i like it too the dynamic but the men

are talkative you guys know i've been very um adamant about micing the men we need to hear the men say things and respond i don't need to hear them groan but i want them to say things i hate when they're quiet i don't really need to hear the woman say anything I kind of don't want her to talk at all I like that's why I've definitely looked up bell gagged because I'm just like stop this fake whining I don't like it um and so uh yeah I have the views I have the views if you want. Okay. So, Nikki Glaser doggy style, not so great. Well, it's good. Good. No, this is good.

13,309 views. That's a lot of views for a video I didn't know existed. And that is a perfect amount. It doesn't feel like three. If it was like 210, I'd be like, this has been up for a while. But 13,000 is perfect. That's okay. And then... Nikki Glki glazer the anal slut 2.0 clocking in at 39 734 okay that one's okay i'm a little disappointed in how that one's doing i also nikki glazer anal slut 2.0 someone leaked my special title too soon also just so just for 3.0 just

for comparison's sake um margot robey masturbates in stockings um really margot robey masturbates in stockings into christmas stockings oh no no she is in front of a fireplace but i don't think it's christmas themed okay 99 880 so you're only half that you're doing well yeah margot robbie can we talk about these little like pockets underneath her eyes do you guys know what i'm talking about she has quam eyes and if you don't know what quam eyes are it's when your eye has like a pocket underneath it that is almost matching the upper eyelid and when they close together they look like little quams and i say quams because the first person in high school that had this with his eyes was our friend's boyfriend and his last name had uh was started with a k and an r and but he also kind of talked like this and so we called him qua and so let's say his last

name is kramer we called him cuema because he talked like this because it's just his jaw was a little bit like tight and so we called him crispy cuema because oh well actually his last name has the word chris in it so we called but we i don't know why we called him crispy but um we no we called him crispy cuemas and because he no, we called him Crispy Quam Eyes. And because he had quams. But it was like, but she has quams too. She has. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Look at the picture of Margot Robbie. There is a distinct, what is that? Can I get that inserted in my eye? Mike White has Crispy Quams. No, you don't want a Quam Eye. I do. I want that little fold right there that makes you go when you smile like everyone likes you have it now no yeah but that's just like an old skin no no no

it's not youth there's but she has that going that is what makes her face so incredible is that little extra line underneath her eye i think that's it. My friend has it. She told me that French people value that and they have all these rules for beauty and one of them is having the wispy glam underneath. It's just a little pooch. A little pocket. A pocket of beauty right under

your eye. Not a bag. No, not a bag. It's the same color as your eyes, like as your normal skin. Everything is one color. It's in the same spot as a bag. It's the same color as your eyes, like as your normal skin. Everything is one color. It's in the same spot as a bag though. Yes. You have kind of crispy clam going on right now.

You kind of have the Margot Robbie, Brian. Me? No, Brian. Doesn't he have it? He has it. Yes. No, no, it's not bags. You have it.

It's good. So when I close my eyes, they look like a little like it looks under the sea like they're like they're the chorus in the background the clams so i got clams okay yeah you got clam eyes um yeah i analyzed her beauty non-stop in that movie just like staring at her face marveling and being like how does she do it but it's um and she's like a lovely person did you see that video of her like doing sign language you go oh really does she do that oh yeah i saw that is she kind so sweet and she knows all of her

she knows asl or australian sign like whatever it's just like she i hate when perfect people just keep being perfect that's why i loved when dualua Lipa kind of gave a drab performance acting. I was just like, yes! A flaw. It just makes me so happy. My friend Heather was like, give me a fucking break. Margot Robbie saying she speaks ASL

is like me saying I speak French and then singing for her. She didn't say it. Other people said it. She didn't say it at all she was just like spelling no she was spelling no I know it

I know it no but she was she did some stuff the press ran with it and said she knows ASL the press said she knows ASL and your friend's like

fuck you yeah or what you know um that's still cool yeah but then she tried I speak French Frere Jacques Frere Jacques well know um that's still cool yeah but then she tried i speak french well pretty people haven't really

gotten the memo that they're ever bad at anything and i'm guessing margot robbie doesn't get a lot of feedback that's like you need to work on that you know like there's show us another draft like i think that most and and I don't, she actually seems like a very well-adjusted person and kind person that doesn't seem obsessed with her looks. Like other people just seem to be, but I'm just guessing. So I do, I do really like her. We were talking yesterday about who we would be friends with

in Hollywood. Is there anyone that like you would want, you honestly, if I said you have to go to dinner with them tonight, you guys, and people always answer this question, like I would have to go to dinner with them tonight you guys and people always answer this question like i would love to go to it's like i feel burdened by the idea of going to dinner with a new person so much it's one-on-one with you and this person and you're gonna be friends and it's a date i'm thinking most people would turn down most opportunities because it's so stressful you think you want to be friends with people because of the

acting roles they've played, but I don't think you would like most people or how they present themselves on TV and stuff. Perhaps you know that because you've now befriended many celebrities and have learned that they're just regular people. But I think for the average

person, I think they would jump at the opportunity to have dinner with almost any celebrity that they like. Are we allowed to punish them with our fandom or do we have to act like proper people? I think you well if that's what you want to do you have to try to get them to

be friends with you. You have to honestly be like we're going to start a friendship and this is someone that I want to hang out with. I don't know that there's really I think I'm really Drake no new friends I don't really want to be maybe Jennifer Aniston but even that seems to stress me out if I got like a message from her being like she wants to have coffee I would kind of go oh boy like I'm going I'm gonna have to be fake a little bit I'm not to be able to be totally myself. What if she only goes

to Coffee Beans and hates Starbucks? I mean, I could get in with Coffee Bean. I can get a good coffee anywhere. Phil's? I don't know. Oh, what is that? Another coffee chain. I think for most people, the idea of being fake with Jennifer Aniston

is perfectly acceptable. It's better than being fake with Sue, the girl you went to high school with. It's better than being fake with like Sue, the girl he went to high school with, you know, like that's the option. I would choose Jennifer Aniston every time. Yeah, I guess. I know. But how many people don't like going to parties and stuff?

You think you like going to parties and then you don't want to go. Like people always think they want to do things, but let's like really just think about in your mind tonight, listener, you have to go to dinner with someone you have to get dressed up and feel like okay i'm presenting myself in the right way like doesn't don't people have social anxiety why when the question of like who would

you have dinner with the social anxiety flies out the window and everyone's like obama michelle beyonce and you're like you couldn't go to dinner with my boss the other night like my girlfriend wants to go to dinner with Beyonce like do you really would you really how would you handle yourself do you really feel like you could hold a good conversation with these people wouldn't you feel a little bit like a burden don't you feel like you might not really give a fuck about what they might have to say and how self-absorbed they probably are based on who they are they have to agree to this dinner too so that's true well it's the same thing it's the same thing with hall passes where it's like yeah i'd fuck hugh jackman or whatever and then it's like but then you have to like go to dinner with them before and then listen to their stories about how they caught a shark and then you get to have sex with them and then you gotta sit in bed while they go like clean themselves in the bathroom.

Like, are you willing to do all that? I think people would actually have sex with people. That's different. I'd do that. People have said to me, like, you're my husband's hall pass when they like meet me at meet and greets. And I'm just like, I don't really know what to do with that. Like, I guess they're throwing it out there to be like, if you we think you're a slut you talked about it a lot on stage we heard that episode where you talked about gang bangs um but i don't i'm never gonna fuck a random person ever

that t-shirt sold out and we should bring it back in a new font oh what is it because nikki glazer is my hall pass that was a great t-shirt yeah yeah i only liked when girls bought it though when guys bought it i was like you don't get the joke this is for people who are gay for me or girls who are being ironic like i would buy a taylor swift is my hall pass shirt because i'm not gay except for her really and i was talking the other day like someone came wayne brady came out as pansexual and i was like okay we got to Google that. Which one is that?

I forget. I didn't even get that far because then I said, what is the sexual where you like men and Taylor Swift only? What's that? Because that's what I am. You'd only be gay for one person.

Homosexual. Wait, so who would you pick, Anya? Who would you go out to dinner with? And I think you're on board with this. there's most people you've met some famous people it's not many all it's cracked up to be and it kind of makes you nervous and you're just not like i don't know i always like end up at a dinner and someone famous is there and i'm like oh okay like i ended up at a dinner with john mayer once and there were four of us at the dinner including him and i was like this is the best kind

of situation where I didn't have time to get nervous and I just didn't care at all I found out like on the way there I had 10 minutes maybe and then he was lovely and easy and you know but like a superstar so the conversation is all about him

and yeah they're used to talking about themselves nonstop. You just give them shit. Or you don't kiss their ass. You're just yourself. And then they kind of like that. But that was an interesting. I know I would be friends with Nicole Richie.

Like, if I was at a dinner with her, I know we'd get along. Justine Bateman, love. Because I like these people, and I feel like I kind of get them. And I'm not that starstruck by them. But I'd probably be super nervous with an Aniston. You'd be friends with them because you're not impressed.

Yeah. I'd be excited to go to dinner with someone like Esther though because I've never met her and I know her through you but that's not like a huge celebrity. But that would be like, oh that would be fun. She's my newest friend that I'm that would be like oh that'd be fun friend that i'm willing to be like okay she's my newest like best like eligible for best friend territory where if someone i think i would even i could even say like she's one of my good friends and she would

be okay with me saying that where she's like you and esther have good like girlfriend dates yeah we like i took her to the iheart radio awards girlfriend dates. Yeah, I took her to the iHeartRadio Awards. We went to another premiere together too. Yeah, we just do these little one-off dates and we have the best time. There is that feeling though when you go out with a new

friend where you're kind of nervous and sometimes you're worried that the conversation isn't going to flow and you might run out of things to talk about or you might offend. You're kind of like caretaking, like, oh, can I go to the, I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick. Is that cool? Like, you can't just talk to them like a normal friend. You're like, I'm going to go, like your voice gets kind of like high when you're like, I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick.

Do you want to go to the bathroom? Or like, I'm going to, like, you're constantly checking in on one another. It's a little awkward and it just it's not like that with her and I'm just so grateful it's first date vibes except without the opportunity to have sex with them at the end of it I guess there is the opportunity but generally you don't but yeah it's like first date vibes and it's like a little exciting and it's like oh my god is this person gonna person going to be my friend? That's definitely there. Do you get that with guy friends, like new guy friends? I honestly, I'm going through the Rolodex of memories in my mind.

And I cannot remember the last time I had a hang with a new guy friend. Yeah. I have lots of guy friends. And there's guys from work that I then hung out with outside of work. I guess that's the closest. but that was not even recent. So I don't know. I don't even know. Avi recently, I guess it was a couple of months ago,

he went on a man friend date and it was so cute. He was kind of toiling about where they're going to go and where they're going to hang out. And then when he came back he was like so giddy they had like the most like i don't know um off-centric conversation about like um music tones that like uh help you spiritually and stuff and then like the guy gave him all these like youtube links and then so i'll be like went to sleep listening to it and then they like followed up next day it was really cute god that is really cute friends that is so sweet so many more friends it's so sweet

it's it's hard and he's the one he met at the gym just like they just like cute i wonder who made the first move it's so hard to get a date off the ground yeah like you can't cancel there was a guy um when i used to go to the gym goals gym there was a guy who uh tried to get me on a on a man date and i just never panned out but this guy was super cool he was jacked and he had tattoos all over his body and when he first came to talk to me i was like what the fuck is this guy in a gang or something because he was tattooed everywhere but he was like yo man what's up and i was like what the fuck are you talking to me for this scraggly jew struggling on the chest press machine yeah he

was talking to me and um eventually he invited me he invited me to like like a a canoe trip and i was like whoa we're gonna go from gym to canoe trip with he was like, whoa, we're going to go from gym to canoe trip? It's like, yeah, just me and four other guys going on this canoe trip. I was like, yeah, that's a little extreme. Then I said I declined. After that point, I tried to avoid him because I'm like,

I don't want to go on a canoe trip. Yes, I'm like you. There's a certain guy like that. I feel like Chris Convey is one of those guys. They like big adventures. They like groups. feel like chris convy is one of those guys they like big adventures they like groups they like doing fun big things together i'm not an adventure friend unless i know all the people in the group and i know all the parameters like how many days where are we going and i like them all but i'm if i met someone new and they all of a sudden wanted to go on a canoe trip i'd be like something's wrong with you like a one-on-one coffee hang but like i'm i'm an adventure friend if chris convy wanted to go on a canoe trip, I'd be like, something's wrong with you. I need like a one-on-one coffee hang.

But like, I'm an adventure friend. If Chris Convey wanted to go on a canoe trip, I would go on a canoe trip with him and whatever. He's been waiting for this. Yeah. He wants to have you eat a strawberry in Japan. His head just perked up

and he turned his head to go somewhere. Brian French wants to go somewhere with me. I'll go. Ecuador. Machu Picchu. Yeah. He's down. But I'm not going to go on a canoe trip with the guy who I talkedu picchu yeah he's but i'm not gonna go on a canoe trip with the guy who i talked to a handful of times in the gym that is he's that's a crazy

person that would that would jump to that so much yeah but a couple years ago i had someone who wanted to hang out with me um a girlfriend and i didn't want to be friends with this person what do you do when someone's coming on very strong and they want to be friends with this person. What do you do when someone's coming on very strong and they want to be friends with you? Because there is, when it's a guy, even if it's a guy that wants to be friends with you, you can say, I have a boyfriend. It's just, I don't really hang out with guys in a non-romantic way. You can have that excuse, even though I disagree with that wholeheartedly. And I think women should be able to have guy friends, no matter what the relationship they're in. I could always use that excuse, obviously, to be like, my boyfriend's not really cool about it.

I don't think it's appropriate. Or if it's a guy that wants to go on a date with you hey i'm in a relationship i even if i'm not i'm not really seeing anyone right now i'm getting i'm not interested in dating there's an excuse built in but when someone just wants to be your friend which is a thing you can have an infinite number of what do you do you just lie and say you are busy all the time yes here's what you do nikki and wayne brady figured this out you just say you're pansexual and then you say my boyfriend wouldn't be okay with this because i'm pansexual i'm attracted to all genders yeah that's really good there has been someone that i'm like wanted to be friends with me after I had been interested in them in a romantic way. And they did it work out for us in that way, but they still wanted to be friends. And I said, I can't because I get a crush on you when we hang out and it's not fun for me to feel these feelings.

And they are so mad at me. In fact, when I run into them, they turn the other way. They avoid me. In fact, when I run into them, they turn the other way. They avoid me. It's the only person in my life that I have, like, I would say beef with, where if I was on the same thing as them, I would be like, okay, I'm just not gonna, I'll get there a different time because I don't want to make this person uncomfortable because they hate me so much because I pull away my- They hate you? Yeah, because we had a really good friendship, like, Because I liked him, so I would listen to his stories

and hear him talk and let him express himself. And he got a lot of feelings out with me. And then when I would go in for a romantic thing, which I thought we were building, and he definitely made it seem that way at times. I'm not crazy, even though he would claim to be like, what, we're just friends. I'm like, come on, I'm not stupid.

I'm reading the signs i'm margot robbie i i know the body language and the asl and um he was like no i just want to be friends and i'm like well then i can't just be friends with you because every time we end up hanging out i get a crush and it's just not fun and he was so offended and um and so he's now he's mad at me but that's his boundary jonah hill he has a boundary i have to respect it it's fine but what do you do with a with a girlfriend i that guy annoys me whoever this is and i think i know who it is yeah he annoys you i know he does getting angry is so lame the reason he's angry is he's he subconsciously knows he's fucking with you he has

a crush on you too and he wants to intrigue with you and this whole cover of like i just want to be friends god why can't you just be a purist and be my friend is bullshit he's enjoying stringing you along and and flirting with you it's like he gets off on it and i'm not saying that like if if chris heard this i could see him getting upset and being like oh so there's some guy that you have to like avoid because you're so in love with him you're gonna get sucked back into it that is not the case with this guy any longer when this happened that was the case I was single and I was like this is distracting to me and now that I have a boyfriend I have no interest in hanging out with this guy who really wasn't giving me anything in

the friendship department anyway the only reason I was really connecting with him was because I thought it was going in a romantic direction and I wasn't like wow this is someone i'd take in any capacity like i thought you were hot that's why i was kind of putting up with the rest and i think that's where he gets angry is that he realizes without the physical part i don't really have much interest in what you are giving and that's you know you know, is that a me too thing of being like, I can't, unless you have sex with me,

I don't really care for anything you have to say. And I'm not going to be really interested in pursuing this intellectually. Well, if he had a better personality, you would have been interested.

It's our turn. No, because you're not hiring him. We're going to go to break and we'll come back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also

back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.

You get hilarious, satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Hey, I want to remind everyone that I am going to be on tour in the fall i am taking a hiatus right now and i am writing so much new material i'm doing stand-up sets in la like every night um while i'm living here for a couple months and then in september september 15th i am

back on tour and it's the biggest show that i maybe have ever done on the road. It's at the Chicago Theater, September 15th. It is a huge show. That place is a huge venue. I really want to sell it out. So if you're in the Chicago area, I would love to see you at that show. We will be doing meet and greets. Anya will be there.

It's going to be so much freaking fun. And then the next night we have Peoria, Illinois. If you're a little bit South of Chicago, we also have tons of dates, including New Jersey, Vegas. I'm there with David Spade again, Minnesota, Calgary, California, all over California, four dates in California, Milwaukee, Iowa, Kansas, Lawrence, Kansas. My I'm going back to my college town, Boston, Maryland,

and it goes on and on. I'm not going to read them all, but there's a bunch more coming up and I'm so excited to see besties at them and for you guys to see all my new material, which is on top of a ton of new material from the last time you saw me. So, and you can go to multiple shows and you're going to get different shows for each show. I would say that the overlap will probably be like 70% at the most most but i tend to do different material at every show so um i hope to see you there it's so much fun and yeah i've been having a lot more fun with stand-up recently because i've been saturating myself in stand-up comedy as brian hears every day because we hang

out and i talk about um we're analyzing stand-up comedy and brian is very analytical stand-up comedy as well i feel like we um you and you have listened to like we're i'm getting back into louis ck and i'm obsessed i'm back on board here's my take are you ready for my problematic take oh hell yeah all right can we get a horn can we get the problematic take horn wait that's a spoiler that means but they're the problematic take horn? Wait, that's a spoiler horn. That means, but they're all the same. It's slightly different.

That's a different Hertz. Avi could tell you about it if he went to dinner with his friend again. That sounded at a slightly different Hertz level. Okay, so Louis CK, I didn't listen to him for very long because I've talked about this before I really liked him for his honesty that was always my favorite part about his stand-up and I felt like wow

what he came out as having done is he's a liar like there was like a really seediness underneath all of this that we didn't know about and it was you know And I didn't like his actions. I think that it was a little bit murky. I don't think that he's necessarily the nicest person all the time to people from stories I've heard. But I'm sorry. Here comes the take. That's a bit of a special too.

I'm sorry. I know. Here comes the take. If you go back and listen to his albums, I've listened to every single album i think there's been like 10 or so it's all there no one should be surprised of what came out it's all there you should actually be surprised if he hadn't done this and i'm not saying what he did was okay i'm not condoning or condoning is saying it's okay

right I'm not saying um that the women weren't right to feel violated and they weren't right to like we should not shame them in any way or uh I hope they have amazing careers and that coming out about it did not affect their careers I think that's the saddest part about this is that like that's what they're known for now if you do know their names and I hope that is I hope you don't know their names so that they have a separate career but um I uh or you know just a separate identity away from this story but if this guy did not jerk off in front of people based on what these you if you listen to these albums there's just no way this guy first of all let me just say some of the things that he reveals in these albums because it might be have been a while for since you listen

to him his first experience of one of his first experiences with bad words an old man approached him on and who knows how true the story is but i'm sure there's some level of truth to it an old man came up to him at a very young age when he's like in kindergarten and was like hey little boy you want to hear all the dirty words and of course he's like yeah of course and so the guy's like pussy ass fuck cunt shit fart and he told him all about dick you know whatever cunt and uh i think i said cunt twice but probably and um he was like okay and then he learned them all he was like pussy ass fart cunt shit uh ass and he And he, and he goes, okay. And then he goes to kindergarten.

He goes up to his teacher, his kindergarten teacher. And he says all the words. He just goes up to her and says all the words right to her. And she starts crying. And he said it was one of the greatest moments of his life. And so there we go. Okay.

That's, that's in, I believe either I'm sorry or the, the one after I'm sorry, where, and then right after that bit he goes into some people have weird sexual stuff and then everyone starts laughing he's like what do you mean someone he was like you guys know mine everyone knows mine obama knows mine he's like he talks about it but that is the genesis of it a young age he said something

disgusting he got pleasure from a woman being horrified, which leads him to be a comedian who says some of the most horrible things you could ever imagine and makes a career off of it. That's why we love him. He was the first person to ever say that his kids were assholes. He told a story about his wife giving him the saddest handjob in America

or all of these things. And then there's another story where he showed his penis to a girl with Down syndrome when he was 10 years old. And I'm guessing that that age is 10 years old and i'm guessing that that age is a little bit i'm guessing that age is a little bit older than what he said for the joke if i was a betting woman i'm just saying um and the and and so he said that he also the punchline to many of his jokes is jerking off onto the thing that he has just talked about almost in every album

there is here also getting jerked off onto you can come on my back and pretend that i'm your father yes i think what you're saying is like what louis did is not acceptable and that's bad but you can't be surprised that the guy who spent 20 years talking about how much of a piece of shit he is on stage is actually a piece of shit. And that he's not just a sexual piece of shit, which he covers. He is a bad person in general. He tells us he's a bad person over and over. He has bad thoughts. He hates people.

He hates a little kid. He wishes this little kid has the worst. He talks about for like seven minutes, a four-year-old that's in his daughter's class who he fucking hates. And he does like a fake name for the kid, but he has evil, dark, twisted thoughts. All I'm saying is that Nikki Glaser,

you have no right to stand on this little, stand on your hill and say, my soapbox and say, I don't like him anymore because he wasn't honest. He's telling you the whole time that's not a reason to not enjoy his comedy anymore. It's in line with who he was.

And it's just funny to go back. I'm reading this Sinead O'Connor book right now. And she says in it that you can read this book about me and I'm going to tell you all these stories about songs. But if you want to know everything about me, it's all in the songs. There's nothing here that will be any more indicative

of who I am than the songs. Everything you want to know about me, listen to the songs. It's in the songs. And then someone else said that recently too. I think I was talking about Taylor Swift. And I'm like, I have this new stance with her where I don't want to know anything about her

that she doesn't tell us. I'm tired of speculation. I don't want to even see paparazzi shots of her anymore unless she has like called them to take a picture. I don't want to know anything that she isn't giving us because we are so lucky as Swifties to be privileged to so much information via her lyrics. So much.

She gives us, she is telling us so many little Easter eggs. If you put the puzzles together, if you do the research with other fans, she is letting us know all these things. She does like us speculating about lyrics and figuring things out and putting puzzle pieces together. And that's the joy of being a Swifty. It's not speculating about things that she hasn't given us.

Let's respect her and be like very appreciative of all the stuff that she does give us, like diaries. She literally gives us like printouts of some of her diaries. So we don't need to dig any further. And I want to respect, like going forward in my career as a Swifty, I just want to have that boundary for myself

where I'm like, okay, if Taylor didn't give it to me, I don't want it. Yo, you didn't talk about Saturday night yet. Did you? Well, here's my take. Everyone goes, how was Saturday night? The same as the other eight.

Exactly the same. And by that, I mean- There's like every celebrity there. Fucking incredible. I know. Yeah, was there? There's so many celebrities, but I didn't see any. How time see any um heim was amazing um they put on such a good show as the opening band and

so did um gail g-a-y-l-e was so good but heim was fucking they're just rock stars there's no one cooler i just looked over at esther and i go like, can you imagine being this cool, like shredding on guitar with a fucking crop top on and looking hot as fuck, but not as sexy, but like also not too sexy and just be, they're just cool. It's just, it's the, they're the coolest girls ever into perform with your sisters and to have like

these fucking amazing songs. It was just like, I think I envy their lives more than almost anyone. And to have Taylor Swift go like, these are my best friends. I was just like, I think I envy their lives more than almost anyone. And to have Taylor Swift go like, these are my best friends. I was just like, oh my God, I want to be a Heim sister so bad. But yeah, let me just say Taylor Swift shows, people keep going, what's your favorite one? The only difference between the shows is who I go with and where I'm seated. So that's the only time the show will be better than another show because she's so fucking consistent. Yeah, the secret songs do make

it better, but I would say the biggest factor is where I'm sitting and who I'm with. How was it going with Esther? It looked like you guys had so much fun. She's adorable. She dances so well. well she's so cute she was just really into my reactions you know i don't know she was just laughing at everything i said like at one point she was like i put this on my instagram story because she wrote it out but she was like so do you do you think you're gonna go to another show of hers and i was like i don't know if i can make it wednesday like this week is kind of and she was, not this week. I was like, no, then the answer is yes. She was like, that's so funny.

You thought I meant this week. Of course you wouldn't. It's an extreme hassle going down there, getting down there. It's hours of your life. SoFi is rough. It's rough, man. Have you been there for football games? No. What have you been there for?

I just heard that it's rough based on everyone what everyone else's time i'm going there this year and everyone's like it's a nightmare getting out of there and i just know from other football games in the area before sofi existed that just getting out is you have to leave in like the third quarter in order to get out yeah that's what i did for taylor we left after anti-hero which i know people are going swifties are like, you left before. That means we missed Midnight Rain, Karma, Vigilante shit, and Mastermind. So we missed most of Midnight's.

But I've seen all those before. I've never seen Karma in full because I always leave before Karma. You got to leave during Karma, you guys. If you go to a Taylor Swift concert, save yourselves hours in traffic. And by the way, you're stationary for three and a half hours that night, just, you know, rocking back and forth. When you get to finally leave, Noah, you did this with me. Yes. We like skipped out. It's fun to skip to the song. It's like fun to like move in a different way to the song. And

you can't see her, but there's nothing she's doing that she hasn't done the whole show. You've seen her, you've been watching for three and a half hours. She's not going to move in a way that's new. I understand people being completionist and like, I got to see it to the end. You're not missing. I promise you, you're not missing. I haven't seen, I watched, you know, Swift talk or like Swift reels that come up. No one's clipping the very end of the show. It's not the standout part of the show. I know Taylor would probably be disappointed to hear me say this,

but you got to leave after the first verse of Karma. See a little bit of it, and then you are going to get such a, you're going to not be in traffic for hours. And SoFi was terrible getting out of it. But we left very early, and we still struggled with a little bit of like- I'm at LA already, getting out of it. But we left very early and we still struggled with a little bit of getting out of traffic

and finding my car. LA is just terrible traffic. No matter what's happening, LA has got terrible traffic. And then if you have the most seminal concert experience of our generation occurring in downtown or in Inglewood or wherever it is, it's going

to be a disaster. But I do think you should go to one more Taylor Swift concert at least because you got to hit 10. I mean, if you're at nine, you've got to hit 10. You're never going to forgive yourself. Final thought. There's no question I'm going to 10 shows. I think I'm going to use this opportunity in her international tour

to give into what my boyfriend likes, which is traveling, and I don't like. But I think it was either his idea, or it had to be one of our ideas, but to now knock out both of the things we love together, and I'll go to Singapore, but now I'm going there to see Taylor Swift. It makes more sense. But I will say that the show can't change for me anymore it's like I can't I've been as close as I could possibly sit I've been in the

best seat in the whole house I've seen it I know it I can't wait to see whatever they're filming because they were filming in SoFi I can't wait to see it that up close where like the little rover camera is on stage with her as she's like doing my tears ricochet and you know walking down uh like in a procession and then she falls to the ground it's like right in front of her i can't wait to get up in her face when she's doing that scene but um yeah it's let me ask you a question no shows are different except the secret songs if you if let's say three years from now four years from now you were talking to somebody and you were like i went to uh the errors tour 10 times and then they're like oh my god yeah

i mean i went 17 times what how would you feel oh good question i wouldn't like it i wouldn't like it because i i want i heard there's someone on the taylor swift message board that said who who's gone the most times of you guys that you guys have heard of you asking other fans. And someone said, there's a girl on Tik TOK who's been like to 38. So I'm not going to touch that girl, but I am going to,

I think the more I go, the funnier it is. Like I'm trying to hit the funniest number that makes people go, what the fuck? Like I say on stage, like I'm talking about, you know, not freezing my eggs and all the money you

save and I'm like and that's why I've been to see Taylor Swift eight times and people laugh and I go and that's not an exaggerated number it's literally eight times this year and people kind of go like it's kind of shocking and so it's fun I'm in this really fun stage of telling people where they go have you seen Taylor I'll wear like a shirt and they're like have you seen her yet and I go eight times and they go oh and I And I go this year, nine times total. One time in 2013 and then 10 years later, eight, nine more times. So yeah.

In case you missed it, check out the New York Times article where Nikki Glaser is mentioned a number of times. That was really great. That was exciting. Nikki Glaser is mentioned eight times in that article. I think it's three, right? I was really great. That was exciting. Congrats. Nikki Glaser is mentioned eight times in that article. I think it's three, right?

I was mentioned three. It was awesome. The guy, that was so random because he came up to us at the Kansas City show. I was there with Kirsten, my sister,

and Kat. And I went to take a picture with a fan and then this guy was just holding his card and was like, oh, I'm just interviewing fans. And I'm like,

oh, okay, I'm Nikki Glaser, I'm a comedian. And he was like, oh, I know you. And I was like, and then we talked later'm Nikki Glaser. I'm comedian. He was like, I know you. And I was like, and then we talked later on the phone here, you know,

weeks later and he followed up on some stuff. And it was cool because that article interviewed Billy Joel to talk about like another musician commenting on things, Herb Albert to comment on her breaking his record. He's a trumpet player breaking his record and then another i think um shania twain to comment on the touring and how she's another person that's touring so and then me as the representative of the fans i was the only one that was like a fan that was quoted to represent the experience so that was so cool yeah and i think they would

have just used a normie which kind of sucks for that normie that would have been picked but um it was fun and it wasn't something that i was like i gotta get my publicist to get me in with the new york times i need to quote it all happened from just happenstance from me going to enough shows that i ran into a reporter and he happened to be sitting in our same row i mean it was really weird it was not planned at all but if i was an outsider looking in i'd be like oh she called called and used some in to get in. And I did not. It was dumb luck. Serendipity.

Yeah, it was something like that. Billy Joel is my Taylor Swift. I'm glad he was in that article. Yeah. Are you going to his final concert? I went to see him in November of last year. So at MSG. I'm a billy i'm a piano manatee do you leave oh my god do you that's so funny do you leave early um no we didn't leave early

getting out of msg is a breeze i mean you just have to deal with the train it's just you walk out that's why new york city is so amazing it's like yeah you're at madison square garden where there's tens of thousands of people all in the same spot and then you walk out and it's like yeah this is the same amount of people that's always here we're prepared for this whereas that's why i liked minnesota with with noah because we walked from our hotel if you can walk to the venue you can stay we still left a little early because i just have that anxiety yeah that was the easiest leaving experience yes we didn't get like caught up in like mobs of people or anything and we got to like see all the fun stuff that was happening outside do you remember when we were walking to the hotel and we saw her like um car

with like all the police cars around it yes Yeah, she had the police escort out. Yes. People are always like, how does she get out? Because the traffic is insane by the time she's leaving the show. I don't, I would think helicopter most of the time, but we saw her, police escort. Yeah, so I'll go again. And it's the same performance every time.

It is perfection. She doesn't do one thing wrong. Sometimes her dress, like dress will snag on something and you go, ooh. But my favorite part now is that there's a moment that she does differently now where it's like there's this song called The One and she's like,

you meet some woman on the internet and take her home. And that's like the album version. But in the stadium, she goes, you meet some woman on the internet and take her home and that's like the the album version but in the in the stadium she goes you meet some woman on the internet and take her home and everyone fucking starts screaming when she just changes it to take her home and then esther looked at me like what happened and i go she changed a note everyone lost their goddamn mind over it est Esther pointed out how like, you know, like exactly where Taylor's going to be on the stage. It's the same thing that I was like so impressed with

that you like understand the choreography and how the show operates and the production. It was, that's like really cool. Yeah, it is funny to just, it's really fun to just look at Esther when a song ends and then just look over her exactly as the new song starts. I'm like, you are somebody that I don't know.

And she's like, how did you know that was coming in at that exact moment? Or like those little moments. There was another one where, oh God, what was it? I like that she's like, go ahead. No, no, no. Or she's like, Nikki told me don't even bother filming because I know all the angles and I'll get it all. That's what I... I gave my friends this thing of like,

let your friends film because your friends are going to film no matter what. I'm telling you, take it in. Do not be stuck on your phone trying to get the perfect thing because you're missing so much. I can now miss stuff because I've been doing enough. Let me just get the good stuff.

And for the love of God, if you go to a Taylor Swift show, unless you're on the floor in the first like nine rows, film the screens. There's someone that is capturing the perfect angle of her at all times on this gigantic, perfect HD screen. Film the screen. Don't film her. Your camera is shitty.

It's not going to look as good. Trust the screens. You can just leave it static on the screens. You don't have to follow her. Your camera's shitty. It's not going to look as good. Trust the screens. You can just leave it static on the screens. You don't have to follow her. Film the screen and also change the aperture or the lighting on your video. There's a Louis C.K. joke about that where at a baseball

stadium when someone hits a home run and then you see all the flashes of people's cameras. Like their flash is going to light up a stadium. Like their flash is going to light up yankee stadium yes i love that you see so many people's flashes on you're just like oh god um but there was a moment when she did her secret songs on saturday night um which are the two songs that she you know is always gonna be a random thing and everyone's just waiting with bated breath like what's it gonna be and i got

it wrong when i was with noah because i saw the capo and I go it's going to be Cornelia Street because it was on the fourth fret and I was like uh and then the other night she puts it on the fourth fret and I just turned to Esther I go death by a thousand cuts and then I go saying goodbye and she goes saying goodbye I was like I got it I fucking nailed it I was like I am so excited. And then she also played, um, you're on your own kid on piano, which was those, those are my two, like two of my favorite songs ever. It was the best two secret songs yet. I'm so excited. I was so excited about it. It was a great moment, but, um, my favorite part of the show is the, uh, illicit affairs

interlude into, um, my tears ricochet. That's always my favorite part of the show. And final answer on that. I will say that also in LA, people don't dress up as much. There were people going buck wild, but a lot of people are just like, I just got these tickets from my friend at a radio station.

Too many people are connected. Too many people are connected and care. It's the same reason so many comedy audiences in LA suck. It's the same reason when you go to a comedy show in LA, it's not as good as Denver or Seattle or whatever. It's because everyone here is fucking connected and over it and not wanting to be there. No one was wearing,

like there were people just dressed in like regular clothes. I will say Esther came in Adidas track pants and a black shirt and nothing pink, nothing bedazzled nothing and I and she and because she just didn't get the memo she's she's the coolest person ever she either didn't get the memo or didn't care but she saw me in my sparkly dress we like met up and she just was like wait she goes do you do you always do this do you always dress up like this and I was like yeah it's kind of like what you do she was just like so weirded out i was like it's kind of like halloween for me i don't

know i really like it she was like okay did you want to give her a heads up at all no i thought she's on she doesn't give a fuck esther's the coolest person ever you gotta follow would she have had monster on instagram Yeah, but I don't think she needs to dress up. I don't think she would have. She didn't care. She's the coolest person I might know. No offense to everyone I know.

Did you answer the question of which celebrity you'd like to have dinner with? I think it's none. Honestly. You can't say none. No. Louis C.K. is actually my one right now. we know how that's gonna end no we don't i really i would said to brian i think i would want to like i i am very inspired by him and artistically i know i'm gonna get shit for this but i shouldn't because you probably person who's getting mad at me listen to music from someone who's like beat a woman several times before like everything you know everyone has done terrible things to there's so many men

who've made things produce things been a part of things that you enjoy that have done terrible things so back off about my um interest in studying his brain and wanting his help with my next special i just want to like i to, I want to just talk to him. I'm just been studying. I've listened to 10 of his albums in the past three weeks. I'd be interested in sitting down with him and talking about stuff and like asking about his process and, and possibly getting some help on my next special.

So that's mine. I mean, he is, he is probably the best stand-up comedian of the last 15 years. I mean, his stand-up is miles above other people who are even great at stand-up. It really is.

That's why when this all came out, it was like, God damn it. It's like when Michael Jackson, you can't listen to Michael Jackson anymore it's like god damn it because

but you can it was the best it was the best every I know there's no one listening to a Louis CK hour special no one does what he does

to me when I'm listening to their stand up special maybe Patrice O'Neal or something but that's it yes but no one changes the way I think about the world no one I'm constantly flooded by things every day.

I am like, Oh my God, that's that one thing that Louie said. And like, it makes me look at that differently. It makes me think of, it validates a lot of fears I have about motherhood. It also makes me feel a little bit like sad about some of the things I feel

about motherhood and missing out on that. It makes me feel appreciative to be a human being and to not complain about stuff as much. Like he just, he's a, I think a modern day philosopher and i think and also um more honest than than most people will ever get with the inner workings of their psyche and i'm yeah i'm fucking into it and i want to be able to do that but not everything he does but i want to be able to do that and i want to learn from that so i guess that's who I would go to lunch with um and that's my problematic take I said it that's a good answer one of my favorite jokes of his is the thing about why do we count the years the way we do it's like we're just plotting

on from the year zero like Jesus Jesus like everything isc or ad i loved that whole way that he put the lays that out i'm like oh my god it makes you think like why the fuck do we count the years this way he's the only comedian that i frequently reference not because of their jokes but because of an idea that he had that makes me think of things differently yeah and then i say this phrase maybe like once every two weeks i go especially when i'm in a not polite company i go not to bring up louis ck but louis ck has a joke that says blah blah blah i say that like every two weeks yes i'm saying it now too now that i'm more like versed in what he says i say it all the time i think about him i say it every time i travel and there isn't a delay i think of louis ck and how you get to fly through the air miraculously like a bird yeah you get to you know i just think of i always just go you get to fly through the air miraculously

like a bird don't complain about fucking anything that happens right now you have no idea even the big you can't i like that the right he has a bit about like you know if there's a delay for 45 minutes he's like that's someone's story people will stop doing the dishes to be like you were delayed for 45 minutes like that's a story he was like can you imagine the right brothers hearing about that now being like wait they were delayed for 45 we shouldn't even bother let's not do this this is like that idea is so fucking good yeah and it really changed the way i see the world and um and yeah he uh but he did make a point that um he says don't jerk off and don't ask people he was like don't jerk off in front of people um and even if you ask them and they say yes

don't don't do it do you remember when he said that brian um to me personally or on the special yeah i do remember that i do remember that he did he did address it he did address that briefly but not on i'm sorry so much but on the next one but i don't remember exactly that's what he said he was like don't jerk off in people even if you ask them don't do it because they might be saying yes and they don't mean. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. That kind of feels like just an excuse. Yeah.

Well, I'm not going to say anything further on that. But I do. At what point do you not trust a yes? That's how I relate to that. Here's how I relate to that and I can't speak in specifics but I will say well

I don't know if I'm in such a position of power but I just got in trouble for doing something that someone asked me to help them downsize their home and I did and then I just heard back that i got now i have a bad reputation for doing that like i coerced them into downsizing their home and it

just goes to show you no good deed goes unpunished because i definitely did not coerce but now i am known as the person that like talked someone and just doing something they did they did not but you asked them like do you want some help with this thing and they said yes and now you have coerced them. Yes. That's a similar thing. Exactly the same as Louis C.K. It's not

well it sounds like that person said yes and this is what their argument is they said yes because they felt like if they said no you would be mad at them or like they would be disappointing you. Maybe I had power that I didn't realize I had. Yeah, but do everyone, and this brings into the Lizzo thing, like Lizzo with those dancers is, I don't think she's aware of her power.

That was literal employment too. I think she's someone who doesn't even think of that that way, which she should, and that's not to excuse her. Everyone should consider their privilege and their power when they do something i have to do it often too because i employ friends and sometimes i'll say something that i'm like wait you don't have to answer that because you might feel like i might fire you if you don't like but if you can you can always say no but do you have to remind people of that all the time or do you have to always just never ask those things i don't know what the answer is all i know is um do you guys want to watch me masturbate right now

okay i have to go uh thank you guys for listening to the show um we will be back tomorrow with more nikki glazer podcast come see me on tour nikki glazer.com for all the dates and tickets and uh And don't be, just ignore like half of this podcast. And if you're upset and promise, and I'm a good person, I promise. And maybe I'm problematic. Just DM me everything that you're upset with me about. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more.

Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.