The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #366 Tim Dillon's Pool Party , Nikki's New Bit & Loneliest City: NYC or LA?

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

Don't save money, hire movers is the wisdom dropped at the top of the show. Nikki shares a beloved Helen Keller meme that baffles Anya. Lucky for her, explaining memes is one of Nikki's favorite pastimes. Nikki and Brian share fun stories from Tim Dillon's pool party, including who they caught up with and the escapades that ensued. Brian shares his take of how life is different being married vs not. Nikki is not buying that New Yorkers are less lonely than people in Los Angeles. They get in touch with Besties in "Fanthrax", advising one who fell victim to sweater theft. Nikki reads a letter she got from a Bestie at her comedy show. In the Final Thought, Nikki gives her strong opinion about why people really have kids and it also happens to be a new bit she is working on. ------- Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  --------- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. My mic was up too much. Oh, wait, I'm turning it down. down sorry that was for me my um my headphones were too loud sorry i didn't appear on screen when that was happening jump scare um it's the show welcome anya and brian and noah are all here and we're still all in california

and then noah is still in new york yeah my god you've been there so long why are you there again i was like realized the other day i don't know why exactly you're there well i originally came here for anya's wedding and then at the same time i was helping my dad he had to move and i'm in his new house right now like from a chair to the couch or something no no just like our parents age it could be that really good daughter just holding his hand walking him along yeah no he has like so much crap and i don't know i just stayed to help him i think it was a mistake though nice it's really my parents know that i'm not gonna do i'll hire i will pay money to hire people to do that but i can't um that's what i should have done. I should have done that. You're right about that.

So in retrospect, you do wish that you would have just spent some coin to have someone else do it? Yes, because the amount of screaming at me that happened was just inappropriate. Yeah. Did you throw out things that he wanted? No, he yelled at me and then i just gave up on it even though it was a great time for clearing he's he's very like my dad is very stubborn and i realize if i come visit like annually he'll just get more and more stubborn as the years go by and uh there was no like changing anything everything that went

from one house had to go into the next house in the same way and the same quantity i'm guessing he's moving because he has to because this guy doesn't like change so he's being forced to move no did he want he's not he wanted to oh he wants more space so that he can accumulate more crap yes yes Anytime there's some sort of moving situation or like I remember in college and even all the way up

when I was living in New York it was like asking a friend to help you move or like and then you give them pizza and you have a fucking pizza party.

Yeah. And then I learned like it's like $250 to pay professional movers to move shit for you. I mean, how much would it have cost a TaskRabbit to get that shit done for you? And then it's so little. When I was 22 years old, I was like, it must cost $5,000 to have movers come and help you

move things. And it's like, no, it's not. It's like $200. It's like the hotel minibar. There's always a meme about like who grew up in a time where you thought if you like ate a couple things you would bankrupt your family and end up on the streets and i still have that anxiety of like if i try to move things around to put like a hummus in i'm like the censors will know and i'm going to be in a shelter

tomorrow because i moved to Jack Daniels mini bottle. Yeah, there's all these things that we attribute. It's going to be so much we don't even check. Yeah, moving is how... Listen, these are all life lessons. You'll do it right next time. Didn't Chris just move into your place? Yeah, but he...

This is what I love about my boyfriend. There are... Whenever I'm like, oh, you know, is this going to be the right thing forever for us? I'm like, I have a boyfriend who would never ask me to lift a finger to help him in any, like he does everything himself and hates to put me out in any way, which I'm very much like that too with him. Like I don't like to put him out, but he protects me from bullshit because he knows that that is such an anxiety for me of like, you know, if we ever moved into a house together, he's going to deal with the guy to come over and fix our dishwasher. He's going to deal with the guy. Like there's, I'll never have to do anything.

That's like a solid agreement between us is like, I get stressed out by those things. He protects me from them. And then I don't know really what I do for him but um I make him laugh I um I have to like reassess what I offer my boyfriend I think because he he really does do a lot for me and the other night um god there was something there was some meme I sent him let me just look it up because it was so cute oh I also want to get to this letter I got from a bestie last night I was at the laugh factory and oh um a bestie I was on my way there I was doing three sets and I was looking at my phone at a stoplight and a bestie wrote me and was like I'm at the laugh factory I'm gonna see you I have a letter for you it's

okay if I can't give it to you but I'm here and I was like oh fine just go to the bathroom and find me because you'll see me walk in it's very um it's uh conspicuous like you have to be kind of conspicuous there because there's nowhere to like really hide if when you enter and so um when I got there she was in the bathroom waiting for not waiting for me but she was just in the bathroom I think and then I opened the I went into the bathroom I think she first went in there because she had anxiety about crowd work because the guy before on stage at the time was doing crowd work because then my friend Jermaine Fowler another comedian said there was a girl in the bathroom hiding from crowd work and then you came in and I heard

you walk into the bathroom and her go oh my god so she like started crying as soon as I walked in she was washing her hands and she just didn't expect to see me and she's wearing a Nikki Glaser podcast t-shirt oh and her eyes were welling up and she was so cute and so sweet. And I just like, I was just so freaking touched. And then she gave me a letter and I said that I would read it

and I haven't yet. And now I'm reading it. Okay, so the meme that I sent, I sent him a couple of things that are really funny. Because Chris has a segment on his podcast called The Best Thing I Saw Yesterday. And they all just share like memes or tweets or something that they saw on the internet or even if they saw in their real lives

and i sent he sometimes reads ones that i sent him and one is a bumper sticker i don't know if you guys saw it was like on the internet a lot the past couple days and it's a bumper sticker that says helen keller denier and then like one of those non-smoking signs that has like a red circle with a cross and in that cross it says ain't no way i saw that and skipped past it because i didn't get it and i still don't get it i don't understand the question and i won't respond to it okay wait brian would you like to explain it then as i look for this other tweet i believe the way i interpret this piece of art is that people are saying that there's an imaginary group of people who deny that Helen Keller could have possibly been deaf, dumb, and blind and still been alive and wrote things. And then basically the slogan is what would be a slogan for those people. Ain't no way that she could have done all those things

and been deaf, dumb, and blind. She was faking that being deaf, dumb, and blind. Just a more succinct way to say that. It's not real. There's no one that's a Helen Keller denier. It's a joke. Yes. It's like a satirization of people like Holocaust deniers

and stuff like that. Moon landing deniers, flat earthers. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then and then okay here's the here's the meme oh sorry what was your next question i'm sorry and i believe if you were gonna if you were good i love analyzing things like this yes why the red crossout sign well i think that's just bad graphics because they're making fun of people who don't know how to actually put together because usually all those people moon landing people flat earthers they don't really know how to present an

argument in a graph like they usually use like they probably don't have a they don't pay a lot for good graphics so they don't have adobe creative suite on their computer yeah so let me get this doesn't even make sense the sign says ain't no way or whatever no okay so the sign says helen keller denier and fought on the bumper sticker then on the side it's a non-smoking sign in that non-smoking side it says ain't no way and it's crossed out that does not make sense it doesn't make any sense but that they're making fun of people who don't know how to make things this isn't funny in that instance and then it ain't no way is is a satirical making fun of flat earthers, moon landing people because they rarely have any evidence.

So that person's argument is just Ain't No Way. So it's just showing how stupid people are. Yes. I mean, in essence, that's all comedy, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, it's just making fun of people being dumb. I feel like there's something either awry with my brain or other people because to me, this isn't funny at all. But I want to laugh.

Well, okay, let me just make you laugh about it. Okay, there's a group of people out there that are like joined together and they don't believe their big thing that they make bumper stickers over and they get together in groups and talk about and spread misinformation about is that Helen Keller is not, is faking it.

Is that a real thing? No, this is a joke. This is satire. It's making fun of flat earthers, like people who believe in this, or bigfoot. Yes. People who have no evidence

to believe something outrageous. And then their tagline is just this empty phrase of, ain't no way. Which the word ain't implies they're kind of stupid because you don't say ain't unless it's like,

I mean, you can say ain't all you want, but you don't say ain't unless it's like, I mean, you can say ain't all you want, but you wouldn't say that if you were like a group of people coming together to be like, what's our statement? You wouldn't put ain't in it. And then crossing out ain't no way. Doesn't make any sense. It's just like a bad graphic choice.

And so it just kind of hammers up. Like, look at how bad this, like the, the art is on this. Yes. I remember seeing it. It's like using comic sans. So, okay. Here's the meme that I was looking for. Yeah. is on this. Yes. I remember seeing it. It's like using comic sans almost.

It's bad. So, okay. Here's the meme that I was looking for. Yeah. I love this. It reminds me of my favorite segment on my old favorite podcast. What was that called?

It was with PJ vote and another guy from, but they used to do this thing called yes, yes, no, or something. Remember that? And remember that? I don't hate when people say member that no member that and it was about the one guy that was like a older man would be like they would they would he would bring a tweet that he saw and he would be like i don't

know what this means but it has 20 000 likes and you know 5 000 retweets and it made no sense and they would break it down because it would be some very specific reference and they would like teach you how to understand meme culture and it's like it was interesting

so this one is yeah and also we gotta give a shout out to Tony Zarrett and he's the king of this satirizing meme culture Tony Zarrett he might have made that

Helen Keller thing I honestly he probably did he's the one that does the best job of it where you go is this real or is he often times people think he's the one that does the best job of it where you go is this real or

is he oftentimes people think he's legit Tony Zaret Z-A-R-E-T if you want to follow someone who is like satirizing um memes and idiots okay so this one is the one I was talking about it's it's a body like floating and um above it it says the feminism leaving my body when my nightstand water cup is empty. Because you want your boyfriend to get it for you. Yeah, yeah. And that's always what happens when I'm in bed. I'll just be like, I won't even say anything. I'll just be like,

oh, I forgot my charger in the living room. And I don't, and Chris can be in deep REM sleep and he will have worked a 24-hour shift like sometimes his and he will still go get it for me even if i've been in laying in bed all day like he is always that that's a very sweet thing about him but anyway the comedic power of memes is amazing i was at your hotel a couple weeks ago and we were playing what do you meme the game what do you meme and at first i think all of us were like wait a second this isn't gonna be fun like these aren't funny

and then we started playing what do you meme and then five minutes later we're like this is fucking hysterical memes are so funny so funny just a dog looking sideways yes and then it's a really fun game it's called what do you meme and it has all these meme pictures and you pick a picture and then every person has like a deck of phrases like that are funny things like when your boss calls you in and tells you you've been spending too much time in the bathroom at work or something like it has those kinds of things and then you have a deck of them and for every picture that gets put up you put the best phrase for that meme and then the person who picked the meme picture has to vote on which

one's the funniest and so you read all of these in conjunction with the picture which is being posed on this little it has a little easel it comes with and you look at the picture and read these things and it's really really funny um and we had a good time playing it but uh okay so yeah last night this girl came and she was really sweet and she gave me a letter which we'll read later because we're gonna do fan thracks but um yeah i went um oh i wanted to say this weekend brian and i hung out with um we went to a pool party what yeah we i did something social i saw um i guess it was like last week i went and did a set and tim dylan was there who i'm quite obsessed with right now i'm going through a louis ck slash tim dylan um just like obsession where it's like all i listen to and um and his podcast

about lizzo can i just give a shout out? You guys finish this one, but then go listen to that one. It's so fucking funny, his take on the Lizzo thing. And again, he is like the Tony Zaret person we're talking about. He's like these like mocking meme things. Like he's not really serious

when he says that Lizzo needs to become thin and leave the fatties behind. Leave the pigs in the barn. Ab barn abandon them they've turned on you he's like his whole point is that you are the queen of the the fatty fatty boom baddies and he's fat so he can say this and so i'm just paraphrasing i don't believe this i don't call people fats um but he says you need to leave them behind get thin go on rogan like he has this whole pr plan for her that is completely ridiculous and totally um a joke but uh when he said leave the pigs in the barn and really um you need to abandon the hogs and heifers it's just like it's so it's

so harsh that it's so funny because you just go this is an insane person but he's so funny anyway I ran into him at the the improv and he uh um he was like oh you got great beaches out there where you're staying and I was like oh you go to the beach he's like yeah I body surf and I was like let's go to the beach so we all we came up with an idea to go meet at a beach and then the day came and he was like we could either we're going on a text exchange uh with some other people and we could either go to the beach or you could come to my my house and he's right off a road i almost said it doesn't matter it's a long it's a long road and uh um and he also so he i go let's go to your house because i just want to go to and sit by your pool.

It sounds way more fun. And then I got over to his house on Saturday, which I did, I would gone to, or Sunday, I would gone to Taylor Swift the night before. I did not want to go get up and drive an hour to go to a pool party. I was like, what am I doing being, this is like a social thing.

What am I doing? Good for you. I need to like rest. I know, good for me. Most people are like, I'd love a pool party. And I'm exhausted by it. But it ended up being very, very fun. I knew it would be, as everything I dread.

It's good for everyone in Los Angeles. It's a city full of lonely people. So it's almost like doing service by showing up at a party. That's interesting. Because everybody's dying for a pool in summer. And then everyone in LA is dying for a friend. Do you think so? Yes.

It's the loneliest city I've ever lived in. I think New York City is lonelier. Really? I think people. You walk outside and you're not alone. In New York, you're like friends with the bagel guy who's yelling yes but that's why it's so sad because you're surrounded by people and yet you still feel lonely i don't know haven't you seen the series high maintenance high maintenance every

episode is a characterization of someone in new york city feeling lonely and then having a weed guy deliver weed and that's your friend and that's your friend. And you're going through something and he's the only one that's listening to your problems. But in New York, there's this... I agree with Anya though. There's this... I remember living in New York. I've told this story before. I'll tell it quickly.

I was there for a couple of weeks and I was walking down the street and there was an old man shuffling down the street trying to get his arm into his sleeve of his coat. And he was hunched over. And I'm just walking beside him for like 10 or 20 paces. And I just grabbed his coat and he was hunched over and I'm just walking beside him for like 10 or 20 paces and I just grabbed his coat and put it on his arm. I never would do that anywhere else. But in New York City, because we're all together, crammed together, you have this odd sense that we're all a family. And so you don't have as many like walls or boundaries up. But you guys stepped over four homeless people on that 20 steps you literally the old man had to leave over old people that are homeless and dying on the

street that you have to ignore um and that guy probably just got the reason he had his jacket undone he's probably dumped a bunch of chemicals into the hudson river just before that he was on his way to his finance bro party i feel like like in New York, you do not deal with people that are struggling because it's constantly around you and you would never get to where you're going if you addressed every person that needed help in some way with a stroller, with their jacket, with money, with, you know, and I've helped many people

in the near, like old women cross streets and stuff like that. But I think you become, because it's all around you, suffering and you go, how are these people affording to live or even be? How do they even get to Manhattan from wherever they came from?

It's so expensive to even spend three hours in Manhattan. So these people trudging along, I just don't get where they're all coming from. It's a strange city. But people talk to each other more in New York. I'm on the street always. People are like, hey, where's this? Where's that?

Oh, yeah. Like, how do I get to this stop? Think about it. When you're in New York, you talk to so many strangers. But you're just talking about cars versus not cars, as I think what you're saying. Because people in LA would probably talk to each other. They're just in cars. Exactly.

In New York, you're on the subway. You're on the street. You're like next to one another. No one talks to each other on the subway, Anya. Literally no one. You can get raped on the subway and people will watch you get raped. On the subway, you don't talk.

But waiting? It's the bystander effect. Yeah. Waiting or on the stairs or on the way in, you talk. No way. What New York are you living in? A French family just was like, how do you do this MetroCard to me? He has a French family, but that's not a New Yorker.

And that is not talking and connecting. Tourists. Someone asking me how to use a MetroCard is not talking. And that's certainly. It's not talking. It's really not real connecting. We had a whole conversation about where they went that day. If you're a lonely person and then you're not going to go to your therapist and be like,

I was feeling lonely, but then a French family asked me how to use the Metro card. I feel less alone. I'll just speak for myself. I've lived in both cities. I was very lonely in LA and because I'm in my car, like you said, you're isolated. And in New York City, I immediately felt like i don't care if i'm alone all day i'm at the movie theater i'm at the car i agree with that i do agree with that i mean can i just say quickly i love new york city it is far superior to la go ahead sorry but i will say

the thing that i've noticed about la before we go to break is that if you need to get in the next lane people will let you no matter what. It's the greatest thing about this city. I will never back down from it. I have noticed that people are generous. If you've, oh, fuck, I forgot my exit. You are never going to have to lean on your horn and be like, fuck you.

You saw that I'm there. It would take you two seconds to just like, let me in. Yes, my Amazon boxes are here. They were looking for them yesterday. Someone signed off called, his name was Red Canyon or something and Red Ranch you can just leave it here thank you so much but we couldn't find who Red Ranch was

and we thought maybe it was the name of this place anyway everyone in LA lets you in everyone in LA lets you in in traffic they are so generous when it comes to being like cool I don't care if you cut me off. No one's freaking out here. The road rage is less here. And I love it.

They let you in because they're all drunk. No one's drunk. We'll come back with more after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.

You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. I don't know if L.A. is all drunk.

They're all maybe high driving. Everyone drunk drives out here. It's like I mean here and the O.C. especially. Forget about it. I're all maybe high driving. Everyone drunk drives out here. It's like, I mean, here and the OC especially, forget about it. I did so much drunk driving. There's so many self-driving cars now that you could kind of do it. I think that, will that be a thing when you can

just be drunk and get in your car and just press go and then it just takes you home and it wouldn't be illegal? Yeah, why not? That seems smart. The only thing you might do is type in the wrong place. Oh, fuck. It took me to the fucking In-N-Out Burger. So did you body surf?

Oh, no, you didn't body surf. Yeah, so Tim Dillon. Yeah, so we all go to the house for the pool party. I invite Brian because Brian hasn't seen Tim Dillon in like over maybe eight years when they used to do a podcast together. Oh, yeah, you guys did that podcast. So Brian was, Tim was Brian's sidekick on his podcast. So I wrote Tim and I go, hey, can I invite Brian Frangie? He is my podcast sidekick now.

And I heard you used to be his. Isn't that crazy? And he wrote back, yes. And I was like, uh-oh, like, am I like, why is he? But I could just tell that it was like, he just looked down on his phone when he was probably in conversation with someone else and was just like yes and then he wrote me back later he was like I love Brian I was like okay good like it wasn't just like a yes but he

was so excited to see Brian and then um Brian and Allie came over and uh we all hung out by Tim Dillon's pool and it was very hot and we watched as Tim Dillon's assistant struggled to put up a so Tim Dillon I guess that morning was like, oh shit, I have no umbrellas and it's hot as fuck out here and people are going to come over and be outside. So he sent his assistant to go to like Home Depot to get an umbrella. And then the assistant just had to assemble this gigantic outdoor umbrella while we just all sat and watched him struggle in the blazing heat.

And yeah, and then Tim Dillon got up. His assistant also one of the hottest guys I've ever seen. That's so funny. Yeah, he's a good looking guy, but I wouldn't have described him that way. But yeah, he was fit. He was a fit guy. Sorry, wrong room, I think. No, you're okay.

You're okay. Yeah, he was- Nikki's just trying out a new character. What if you were just like doing a monologue well I'm just connecting with people in LA and proving you that it's a very friendly city they're not talking back to you it's just someone walking by your window

I have no idea who these people are well there's like something going on here that people in the next two rooms next to me are doing some kind of production thing and so they keep wondering up here thinking that they're like with like gaffing tape ready to walk in my room and i go no no no and they sometimes they walk in they go oh my god they're just so scared oh i didn't realize you were like by a door oh yeah i'm right by a door it's right here in fact i'm

looking at it right now look at that fucking. Yeah, so we had a pool party and it was fun and Brian brought his wife over. First time I've seen them as husband and wife together. She has amazingly perfect teeth. They were as white as the beautiful sundress outfit she was wearing which was also gorgeous.

She's ethereal. Tim Dillon had lots of nice things to say about her. He was just like, God, she's a keeper. I forget what what he said what did he say to you he thought she was 24 oh god amazing and how old is she envy 25 yeah she's 25 so you know yeah she was off by a year really embarrassing wait can i know that was really fun how is it being married for you? Is it any different from dating? Do you feel any different? I guess, you know, there are occasions when I, you know, like at this pool party or whatever. I mean, when you say someone's your wife, you get a little bit more credibility there.

But also just like, it is nice. Yeah, it is nice to, you get a bow instead of a handshake which is really an incredible feeling but you get every once in a while i catch myself going like that's my wife to myself like oh that's my wife and i'm pretty happy about it uh whereas when it was my girlfriend i never did that so i think there is something about this, like, pride of having this person be your partner forever that wasn't there before. That's cute. That's sweet.

Anya, you can speak to this as well. How has it been for you to say, my husband, have you been introducing him as such? Matt seems happier. Okay, so that answered how you feel. You're like, Matt seems happier. seems happier no no i just noticed that and it was striking i was like he seems happier what's going on i mean it might be related to something else but that's and then i i ask i guess because i didn't feel the thing that everyone's like it's

different it's so different people never say it's different they're just saying it's this i hear mostly i would say 90 of the time i hear it's just the same especially if the people were living together before maybe i've only heard a couple people say it's different and that stuck in my head so i'm like i wonder how it's different um but it is i'm noticing a very subtle difference of like slightly more tenderness toward one another or this like slight uh it's not respect it's just like protectiveness yeah like i guess we're gonna i'm gonna like take care of like we're gonna look after one another till we're old for like so there's this new attitude of like all of a sudden we're talking about like long-term things, you know,

where we weren't so much before. And it's just like, I don't know, a weird, a sweet tenderness. Or maybe it's like, she's going to take care of me when I'm old. So I better be nice to her now.

Better keep her up. She's got to, we got to keep her bone health, you know, stable. Or also if I mean, I'm getting a lot more magnesium supplements a night. Yeah. If I, if I mean to her now a lot more supplements a night yeah if i if i mean to her now when i'm in a wheelchair and can't think she's gonna be switching out my pills and

hitting me with a ruler and shit so i better put in my we're like you i look at sometimes like you know the way my parents eat like you think about the way your parents eat or the way things they do and i'm just like we need to keep you around like when you start to think about someone's demise or like the long term like towards the end where you're like we want to prolong this you start to kind of nitpick about little things about them like i think that if chris and i got married i might start to be like let's look into other food alternatives for you so that you, you know, because, or we should talk about like when you are in a coma,

like, can I date other people because we need a plan or whatever, you know, that's a joke obviously, but it's like, I saw a thing last night that said the more you hang out with your mom, the longer she's going to live. And I was like,

Oh God, I need to start hanging out with my mom more. Because yeah, I just want them and then i was listening to this other podcast when i went to sleep sam harris with uh peter atia atia atila and um he was talking about longevity and he is like he's working this guy this doctor all he does is work on how to get people to live longer and there was this like i don't even want to say it. It's just such a bummer. But it's like, if you break your hip after the age of 60, you have a like 90% chance of dying 20 years earlier

than you would have if you didn't break your hip. So everything is about don't break your femur. Don't, if old people, and that's why you need bone strength because the only way to break your hip really, or the most common way is falling. And those statistics are wrong, but it's something outrageous like that, where it's like your chances of living longer

are just cut so severely from if you wouldn't have broken your femur. So the goal when you get older is to protect your femur because it is the biggest indicator of if you're going to have a long life or not if you're going to reach like your 90s or 100s which not everyone wants to do maybe but um so the whole thing is like a leg bone yeah i didn't know i guess the top of your your pelvis like at your hip anything around there yeah any big bone your um i forget what it's called, but he had some really long name for what it is when you break that area. If you break a hip

pretty much, I think was the thing you, which is a common old person thing. Um, but it's all from falling. And so the whole thing is like, Oh, and he said, this was a very interesting thing. He said, so it's all about protecting your muscles. Like make sure you have, you eat a lot of protein. And if you're a vegan, you find a way to get that in because it's going to be harder for you, which I don't think, I don't agree with. I think it's actually very easy. It's just a way for people to get, to not go vegan.

It's like protein, where do I get it? It's like, have you heard of a pea? But anyway, so he said that you need a lot of protein, you need to do muscle strengthening things. And that he was like, no person. He was like, Sam, how many human beings do you think have lived in the history of human beings? And he's like, I think it's around something

like 90 billion people since the dawn of humanity. And he said, I don't think one of those people on their deathbed, if they were in their old age, would wish they had less muscles not one he was like it's always the thing when you get older you're gonna wish you had more of is musculature and so it just made me I'm trying to hire a personal trainer for my mom because it's just not something she's never once worked out consistently in her life in any way not for a week not for a you know like she's walked and stuff but walking doesn't build muscles

like you know she needs upper body strength she needs actual like resistance training I'm projecting too because I need it too but at least I have had some sort of idea of what that is so I'm like maybe she could if I said maybe if I just pay a trainer and she's like I don't want you to do that and I'm like well then I'm gonna pay. And you, if you don't show up, it's a waste of money. I think that's the only way I can get her to go. I don't, I don't know.

I just want my parents to have muscles. I had one. Well, I still have one. He's just back in Arizona. And it's great because you have someone who is motivating you, who is teaching you how to work out in a way where you don't injure yourself. And it's also,

um, it gives like accountability like he's showing up so i have to show up yeah and i'm all for coaching therapists just get someone to help motivate you do good stuff i know i don't just get her on board though nikki my mom was the same so much money it's like well i would pay that for you not to die 10 years sooner so what is the difference okay tell her blake shelton's gonna be at the gym helping her workout partner well my mom's the same way she never worked out her entire life she just didn't want to do it

and then uh recently she's she's truly living uh her renaissance right now. She moved into a community in Florida of over 65 people and made a group of friends. And now she exercises more than she ever has in her entire life. And it's because her group of friends do exercise-related activities. They play pickleball. They go swimming. They go on walks. And I think for someone like your mom, one of the only ways to get her to exercise in that way consistently is to connect it with something that's not just your exercising. Right. It's her social thing.

I don't know about that because, well, the thing is my mom, I think the only way is to motivate her by otherwise your daughter is wasting money. Because that is her truest, biggest fear in life is that her daughter is... But your mom likes fun. You spent what on that? She does, but I'm talking about like my mom needs to do more than just play tennis or pickleball. She needs to do actual weight resistance training. Like how do you get women doing that?

She's not going to go to like pool classes where she's with the floaties doing exercises in the water because of the social aspect of it. No, no, it's not pool classes. My mom doesn't do that. Would she go with you? Would she be motivated by hanging out

with her daughters? Yeah, but I don't have time to go to a workout class Get another reality show. You're both working out. That's the theme of the reality show. I think that's a good idea.

Pump my mom up. And she was like, I'm making $1,200 a day for an appearance fee. I'll do it. I'll do whatever you need me to do, Nick. And look at my tries. But this pool party was fun and it was a weird group of people. Milo Mannheim was there from Dancing with the Stars. He was on the season that I was on and it was good to see him again because i haven't seen him

since then and um he did a movie with tim so tim knew milo and then milo brought another friend who was this 18 year old kid who was like so like it's such an old i hate to say old soul but he was i thought he was like maybe 25 at the youngest. He was the same age as my wife. Yeah, yeah. And then who else was there? You guys and then Andrew Collin was there. That was fun. And then who else? Oh, David Spade came by and then he sent me a text later

and was like, I didn't know it was going to be Twinkapalooza up in there. I had to duck out. Because there were a lot of like young, hot guys. David was a twink at one point almost david is a twink but he made me laugh so hard he gets there he walks there's like a three-year-old there right when david arrives i don't know what happened oh carlisle was there but like a girl woman came over that tim knows and she had like a tiny baby kid that was playing in the pool and as soon as david walks in he says to me, you didn't tell me he was going to be here.

And he points at the baby like he has beef with him. And I was like, oh my God, shit. I didn't know. I forgot totally about you guys. Oh. And then Tim goes, he goes, yeah, Dave goes, me and that baby have beef. And I was like, I'm so sorry.

And Tim goes, yeah, they dated the same girl. Ah, that's so funny. I mean, damn. But David just came in and was like, that I told I told him later I'm like I know that it wasn't your scene because he thought it was going to be like more comics and he didn't really know the comics that were there and um which was fine he had fun but he he was like it was you know it was a little twink fest up in there and I said yeah but I knew it wasn't far out of your way to go and I wanted to see you I just wanted you to come in and like say a couple of zingers and leave.

And that's exactly what he did. He kind of like circled around. And then Brian noted that he immediately, like he was like, all right, I'm leaving. And then like left. There was no like pretense of like, I don't think I'm going to go. It was just boom, gone, which is, I love that style.

I respect that. He said he stood up, we were talking and then he stood up. There was, as soon as there was like a pause that. He said he stood up, we were talking, and then he stood up. As soon as there was like a pause in the conversation, he stood up and said, all right, see you guys later. And then he left. And there was no like production about it

where he went by to each person. Nice to meet you. Good to see you. Oh, I'll see you next Wednesday or whatever. But it wasn't rude. No, it didn't come off as rude. And we also felt like, yeah, like if I was him him i also would get

out of here we're all looking for that exit as well no i really wasn't i was having a good time but um it was uh yeah it was fun and um any other things to say about it brian it's interesting when you go to a party like that and you're looking around you don't know very many people um but you know that each person here is uh either rich successful famous or a combination of the three and so and then what's interesting is that everyone else reciprocates that to you when they look at you they're like what is this guy's deal there must be a reason he's at tim dillon's house and so everyone treats each other with a little bit more respect than you would at a different party. I've been to other parties like that

that aren't in Hollywood or whatever and people are like, I don't give a fuck about you. They just assume you're nothing. Yeah, in Hollywood there's an implication that this person could be a producer. I don't know about this. You never know.

You never know. That's a really good point. Doesn't that strengthen the point that Anya was making about how lonely it is is because then it's like no there's no question la is lonely as fuck i just don't think that new york connections are real and like and i don't think that people actually help as much on the street i think anya gets approached because she's a nice looking girl that has like an open shiny

kind demeanor but i don't think most people are like really talking to each other in New York streets in fact there's not a lot of eye contact no what you don't you agree that people kind of just like you have to be immune to everything going around you if you addressed everything that needs help you wouldn't get anywhere yes but like I guess in a way I agree with Anya it is easy to connect because there's like all these like New York York characters that you see on a regular basis and they talk your ear off and you get their whole life story and vice versa. I've never once

talked to someone on the subway. Am I antisocial? I've never heard someone tell their life story. It's too weird. In the park, on the street, waiting to cross the street. Do you talk to someone? People will come up to you and be like, NYU, we're doing a survey for, yeah. That's never happened to me. People will come up to you and be like, I'm at NYU.

We're doing a survey for our class. Can we interview you? But that's different. That's not connecting. That's not talking. And that's like someone doing a survey. Well, it is talking, though. People come up to me in LA and they say,

would you like to take five minutes for the environment? And I say, no, I'm sorry. But they're working. That's not going to make me less lonely. We have to remember where the conversation began, which is, which city is lonelier? And Anya's giving a bunch of examples of solicitors trying to get money from us.

Not solicitors. Here's my hypothesis. New York feels more like a family of people crammed in together and therefore there are fewer boundaries and fears about approaching someone. Very often on the street I'll say, you look lost.

You're stuck on a ship with a bunch of people. It's crowded. In LA, everyone's in their own bubble. It's more isolated. Yes. I agree with Anya on this. I also agree with Anya on this. It's the illusion of like when you're in New York and I'm depressed and I'm like, I'm so alone. I can walk down the street and I'm surrounded by people, which gives the illusion and does give you the feeling like you're connected to people.

You're in this organism that is like working together and you're walking by people in the street. You can smell people. You can hear people's conversations in LA you get in your car and you're still in this bubble and you there's not a lot of witnessing other people it feels yeah I get that I think but I think it is the illusion even though it does work to make you feel more connected it's still not actual connection which I think is the difference between our arguments but I do agree with you like you you can feel less alone in New York because there's just so many people around all the time.

The thing about the parties in LA is interesting. I didn't know why everyone was there. Isn't that fascinating? It's like when I went to the WGA meeting. Or if I'm on the picket line and I start talking to someone, it's like well I have to

secretly go onto IMDB and see what they did just to make sure I'm not embarrassing myself by not knowing who this person I didn't know who Milo was and then after I got home I was like let me look this guy up and I was like oh man he did all these things. Yeah. Stuff like that. It's weird though because I was like why didn't I

introduce him as he's from Zombies and he was on dancing with stars. I just, I've sometimes I forget to introduce and to give the contextualize everyone. And I should have done that. I don't think he wanted that. I think he was downplaying it because he has tattoos on his foot, a tattoo for each project he's done.

Yes. I know this about my IMDB is on his foot. It's basically, yeah, he has a, he has a little tiny tattoo on his foot for each project he's done. He's got a 27, a little 27

for being on season 27 of Dancing with the Stars. He doesn't have 27 credits yet. He's just the number 27. And so I asked him, I was like, what do each of the things on your foot mean? And that was basically like saying, what's your credits, essentially, which I think some people would... You didn't know. I didn't know. that was basically like saying what's your credits essentially which i think some people would know i didn't know i was just like what are those things

and he's like oh just a little something for each project i did that's cool do you know that his mom is strong is uh oh yeah he he keeps trinkets and um but um thing yeah his mom is um what's his name what's her last her first name manheim she was on the private practice cameron cameron cameron manheim is his mom and she wanted a baby the story of them i it's he was on my last um show on on serious and you may have heard the story but his mom it's a cool story i had him tell it again to everyone there but his mom mom knew she wanted a kid. And she went to this, she was hanging out with Marsha Gay Harden, who was a friend of hers. And Marsha Gay Harden was like, I go to this pottery class. You've got to go. The teacher is so hot. So she brings Cameron to the class and Cameron's like, oh my God, this teacher is so fucking foxy. And she went up to him after the class and was like,

if I, if I'm not pregnant by the time I'm 35, would you want to have a baby with me? And said something like that to him, just kind of joking. He's like, well, I'm gay, but yeah, I'll do that. And so they would see each other at parties throughout the years. And that was just their running joke. She was in her 20s when she made this first offer. And they'd always see each other.

And then it got to be the time she's 35. And she saw him and was like, I actually would do it. And he's like this stunning, tall, handsome guy. And so she got his sperm and they made a baby. And it's Milo Manheim. Oh, my God. That is amazing. I love that.

That is so. What a great origin story. Does he know his dad? He. Yeah, he does. He has a relationship with his dad. But he was just like his. But his mom was just like,

I'm not gonna, it sucks that women have to like wait to find a good man to do, like if they want to be moms, like they've got to have all these ducks in a row beforehand. I like that she just like took the reins and was like, I'm ready to do this.

Let's, that guy. That's what I would like to do with a woman's egg. I'd be like that girl, let's use it. Yes. If I would like to do with a woman's egg. I'd be like, that girl. Let's use it. Yes. If I wanted to do it. Can I quickly, I do want to give a shout out to a bestie. This is a bestie shout out.

Please. I learned yesterday. Yesterday was Rob Stern's birthday. Happy birthday, Rob. And I did another social event that's two in the same fucking week, which is pretty rare. Oh, that is pretty rare. We went to dinner for his birthday at Moonshadows, that restaurant on the Malibu

coast. Have you ever been to Moonshadows? Oh my god, you had to drive up to Malibu? Yes, I did. Well, half an hour shorter. But yeah, I went to Moonshadows. And there's this couple that are friends with me and Rob, and I didn't know this, but the whole time this couple that, that are friends with me and Rob, and I didn't know this,

but the whole time, this, uh, one of my friend's wives, Liz Galalis, is a bestie, and she was a bestie before I was on the show, so then I was like,

well, so then when I came on, was that like a rude awakening? And, um, uh, she said no, but,

uh, yeah, Liz Galalis, shout out to her, she's a bestie, and I knew, it's, it's so crazy and amazing, meeting people who to her. She's a bestie. And I knew it's so crazy and amazing

meeting people who are like, I was a bestie and I knew you the whole, I knew you before and then I was a bestie before. And then you were suddenly on the fucking podcast. Yeah, that is so wild. I love it. That's so cool. It is so nice to, nice yeah it's when people are

besties it just warms my heart and is a different different level of fandom I know some ke people that are besties but I think that they're ke but they're

we don't have any ke's besties are all actually cool I thought they were ke but they're no we don't have any kers besties are all actually cool I thought they were kers but they're besties so I'm like oh you know that they can't be

yeah so they're cool without the u and the h but they like sometimes in their lives I just yes

in their lives they sort of make some kers choices but then I'm like oh I love you now because I know you're a bestie. Is this like choices you see on Instagram?

Like this is how we diagnose now. Yeah. Let's go to, let's go to break and come back and maybe we'll discuss a little bit more, but we got to get to fans. Thrax talking about besties. Let's do that. When we get back right after this,

John Stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition,

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, let's just get into it. Let's get to Fan Thrax. Haven't done it in a while. Fan Thrax. Haven't done it in a while. Fanthrax! Woo! Time to get to Bestie mail and voicemail.

Noah, let's just get right into it. Okay, well, I'm going to start off with Kelly because this seems kind of urgent. Kelly? Okay. Hey, guys. Long time Bestie here um i wanted to get your opinion on a situation my car was broken into this morning and it's my own fault i left it unlocked for the first time in years but they took out i had a big bag of dry cleaning full of all of my favorite sweaters.

And one of them was this vintage sweater that I'm just like, I can't replace it. I'm looking everywhere for it. But how would you handle the situation? How would you get over it? What would you say to yourself? Would you just say that it's gone and it doesn't matter? I need to get over it. Or just how would you guys say that it's gone then it doesn't matter i need to get over it or just how would you guys deal with the situation cope with the loss of your favorite sweaters

okay i'm trying to think of my favorite all right um thank you bye oh i'm so sorry babe oh that sucks so much i can tell how much that sweater means to her. Getting your car broken into is such... It feels so violating. Violating. It's like, this is my little personal car. I don't even want people valet parking my car because I don't want people in there. But when someone just busts into your fucking car

and takes something from you, it just feels so violent. And it's not her fault. We all leave our cars unlocked sometimes. That doesn't mean someone gets to go into it. So it it's not her fault we all leave our cars unlocked sometimes that doesn't mean someone gets to go into it so it's like it's so not your fault

you're allowed you should be allowed to leave your car unlocked yeah in no way is that your fault don't let anyone tell you that it is you should be able to

leave your car unlocked and not have someone take your fucking dry cleaning bags so true so annoying it's the fault of a violent and selfish society

yes it is. You can sum up so many violations through stealing, like the stealing of someone's security, the stealing of someone's objects, the stealing of someone's life. It's like stealing is so, I don't know, it's so wrong. Yes, you just take something from someone and then it's theirs and there's nothing you can do about it. And the person probably isn't going to even value these sweaters at all no

no it's like they probably got i mean i don't even want to say what that probably became of these sweaters but um how i'm having i'm having a hard time empathizing right now because i don't have any sweaters that mean that much to me but I'm trying to think of something that would mean that much to me if it got stolen I'm having trouble conjuring anything because I just don't know that I get that attached to do you have anything from like but Mimi your grandma or anything like that no and I guess what I would say and the reason I think I don't is because I guess and this probably won't bring comfort so I'm sorry if this is just like the wrong thing to say but we die eventually and we we you can't take it with you

no matter what like at some point you and that sweater will be not as one separated yeah and it just happens sooner than you want it to but it was always going to be that way in the end and yes it could be passed down to the next generation and stay within with people that you love but even they would eventually pass on and the sweater the sweater will eventually be alone in a landfill someday and there will be no humans around to to take care of it or be with it and that there'll be a dinosaur wearing it maybe i also think that um i guess I do have a take, which is when I do lose, sometimes I lose things,

I guess that I've spent a lot of money on and I just feel so stupid and so mad at myself. What a waste. And I'm so angry at how dumb I was. You know, I, there's a story of me spilling the water on the laptop that I literally had just opened and bought and spent thousands of dollars on and I spilled water on it.

And my therapist, my abusive therapist, Dr. My Abusive, she told me, and I'll repeat it again, is that don't punish yourself because it sounds like part of your sadness is like, it was my fault. Like I did this and like how stupid I was to leave that valuable thing.

My car door opened when I knew that vintage sweater was inside. Like I deserve this or something. The punishment is losing the sweater. It's already happened. Don't pile on the punishment. Like you already got the punishment, you know? Like you don't need to punish yourself anymore

and like suffer with thinking how stupid I am. Don't tell people about it that are going to double down on that. I know that when I spilled water on my computer, I called my mom instantly because I knew she would go, why would you have a glass of water next to your new computer?

It's like cutting. Why would you do this? Just punish, punish. So the punishment is already done you lost your sweater that's like that would be a severe punishment to you if you you know if you killed someone someone could go well i'm gonna take your sweater and that's what you get for killing someone so it's already in and of itself a punishment so back off in that way and then in terms of dealing with the the loss of it i don't know that I am ready to speak on that. Can you guys maybe share some stuff?

Well, it sounds like, what's her name? We don't know. Kelly, Kelly. Kelly, it sounded like you were sort of fishing or like dancing around the idea of maybe trying to get them back. If that's what you need to do, try. My first thought was like,

oh, you're never getting those sweaters back, not to be harsh, but. I think she meant like Poshmark finding the same sweater elsewhere i see yeah sure but my hunch is that these sweaters mean something to you so my first thought was like write about this write about everything that comes up for you is it like like what nikki's saying like god i'm so stupid or i feel violated like brian was saying is oh, this sweater meant so much to me. I had all these great memories or I'll never like I have a blazer that I would be kind of shattered if I lost, but not because it means something to me.

It's just the perfect color. It's the perfect cut. I wear all the time. It's like dressy. It's casual. And I've never found one like it. So that would annoy me. But like write about what's coming up for you.

And then here's the thing I've been working on lately. Let yourself feel all the feelings and don't do the shortcut to, well, I just have to get over this and just get over it. Like really let yourself feel the feelings. And then this cool thing happens where they do kind of wash over you. I've had this recently.

I just disappointed somebody and they let me know. And I was like proud of myself because I let myself feel what came up, which was like, fuck you for being mad at me. Fuck you for like telling me I disappointed you. I get really angry and I'm not used to feeling that way. And then I was able to move from that through like, it's kind of annoying that they told me i disappointed them and then it's like i don't know if i really like this person and then i was like well they have a point i did do something not that nice and then i got around to compassion and then once i was neutral i was able to act from there so i would that's my advice is like

write about all this let yourself feel everything and don't judge yourself for whatever you might be feeling. And then yeah, maybe you'll find a new sweater. Wait, so Brian, what's your tip? Well, if you want, also, right now, if you're feeling like you'll never get your sweaters back and it's just so sudden. If you want an off ramp from hope, because now your hope's been entirely dashed, you can give yourself little pellets of hope like a hamster, and it'll slowly snuff out the hope over time. So for example, now that your sweater's gone, you can believe, which I don't think this will work out, but you can believe maybe the thief will post the sweater on Craigslist and try to sell it. Or maybe the

thief will donate the sweater to Salvation Army to get money for it, and I and try to sell it or maybe the thief will donate the sweater to salvation army to get money for it and i can try to look on craigslist i can try to look at the salvation army and maybe i'll be able to buy back that sweater at some point so keep looking at those things for the next couple of months and then slowly the hope of you getting the sweater will decrease but at the same time your acceptance of losing the sweater will increase so that by the time you lose all hope you'll be ready to accept that it's gone i like i like that i think that another thing i would recommend and maybe this is like too soon because sometimes when people's dogs die i'm like get another dog and they're like i'm not ready for that but sometimes i'm like

but i think it would actually help I think you should get a new sweater I think you should treat yourself as a thing you stop this it's my fault I lost my sweater feel victimized by it feel like this bad thing happened to me I deserve a fucking treat like if you you know you deserve some compassion you deserve something nice for yourself because you were victimized this wasn't your fault so go and you spend more money than you probably should and you treat yourself to something you've wanted forever that can replace that sweater now and become your new vintage sweater that is your new most sacred and prized possession something you really love and and maybe it's going to take a lot of time to find that thing but now this opens up a space in your closet for something new that can

that can be that important to you it's an opportunity yeah that goes hand in hand with what i was just thinking about too which is a lack mentality versus an abundance mentality sorry arape but i come from this a lot i don't know if this is what you're upset about kelly but maybe it is like i spent all this money on these sweaters now they're all gone and I don't have any money. We don't know where you're coming from financially. So for me, that's where, like I was on a trip recently and it was expensive and the trip got kind of fucked up for me. Like one of the days was going to be fucked up. And I was so upset about this. And a friend was like, you really sound like you're in this lack mentality. What if you were in this in this mentality of like it doesn't matter i still have eight more great days of this trip because

one of the nine days was fucked with and um i'm trying to do that more just be like what if i had this attitude of like you can't take stuff away from me or like nikki's saying like what if i had the money to buy more sweaters like what would that look like i don't know and even if it's like you don't have the money just go to goodwill and find a new vintage sweater that you can ascribe some sort of meaning to that is like you're giving a sweater a home that wouldn't have one before because you're oh i love that something gets a chance because you got this stolen for you that would have just sat and rotted and that sweater could you could even think about the history of that sweater and how that may have been stolen from someone and now you're giving it a good home or something like that.

Oh, yeah, that's good too. And probably somebody needs that sweater. The person that stole, even though it sucks, they needed to steal that. It needed to happen. And it was always going to happen. Yes. You parking your car where you did, leaving the thing. There's, that's where free will,

no free will sets me free. It was always, this is determinism. Things are always, they're already set in stone of how they're going to happen because of physics. Things are going to end up the way they are going to end up

and nothing you can do is going to change that. So it was always going to be this way. It wasn't your fault. You're not stupid. You're not foolish. Everyone gets burglarized at some point you can't really avoid it yeah i mean i lost my wallet because i left my stupid fanny pack open i mean how dumb was that but you know what you moved on someone now there's someone uh

writing scripts with my wga card yeah well i got this letter last night from i hope that helped you uh kelly i got this letter from kelsey last hope that helped you uh Kelly I got this letter from Kelsey last night and I'm reading through it and it's there's nothing um well I'll just say um she says all these very nice things um she said buckle up I'm giving you this letter because I'm too afraid of how I will actually react when I meet you well I saw you meet me and you were ridiculous get it together no you were so sweet i mean it made my night um also what made me night at the laugh factory was a table of what i'm guessing were gay men who were like as i was walking up they were like we love you we love you we love you so much and it was like i just when

gay men love me i'm sorry it means so much especially sweet women and gay men it's got it's the it's uh it's it's the best because gay men have great taste, I think. That's a new Taylor Swift song on the next album. Gay men have great taste. Sweet women and gay men. So she said, since discovering you randomly one day in 2008 through my YouTube algo,

my life has changed for the better. She didn't say algo, I did. My life has changed for the better. You have taught me to laugh did my life has changed for the better you have taught me to laugh more be less hard on myself sing more create healthy boundaries how not to be play guitar more meditate with sam harris be more introspective work on myself forgive my parents be brave enough to go to things alone no free will and most importantly you made me the swifty i am today um and then she goes on to say you are my taylor i'd say you're my taylor swift but you're not you're my Nikki Glaser and anybody who is friends with me

knows how much weight that carries this is just like it's so nice I am right there with you playing my guitar and singing with you and Anya I'm just reading excerpts you're like my sister

I always wanted and I've never even met you before how is that possible how are you able to capture the hearts of all us besties through a screen that is what makes you so special I think

it's how you can make us feel special and less alone just through your words it's a gift all of us benefit from I really need to hear this thank you so much also thanks to you I am now a huge fan of comedy in general I now actively listen to about 12 or more podcasts hosted by other comedians

yes my boyfriend tells me I have a sickness I am a fan of all these comedians and have gone to see most of them live and I would have never discovered them if it had not been for you and your podcast so thank you for bringing so much laughter and joy into my life. Final thought. This is hers, but we'll make it ours too. Final thought. I really hope to get to the end of this letter. I know it's probably really uncomfortable to hear these things about yourself, but I hope you can

accept these words into your heart because you deserve to hear them. This is so nice and you are addressing exactly the feelings I'm having. I have so much more to say, but I believe you, your time is valuable and I don't want to take up any more of it. I've bombarded you enough with my feelings at this point. All I have to say is, I love you, Nikki and Noah and Anya and Brian and all the besties out there.

Don't be cut. And just a reminder, what, one million people died in 9-11? Just an old joke of ours from way back in the day. So that is so nice. Thank you, Kelsey. That really touched my heart.

And I'll try to remember it on days where i feel worthless um because that always creeps into um i was actually i texted anya this morning um about because i've been i think the listening to louie a lot has inspired me to like really try to delve into these jokes that I have and try to really actually find the truth in things that are just maybe just a little thought I have. But no, let's cover every angle and maybe prove a thesis and that can't really be argued, which is always my favorite thing. And I'm really struggling with the idea

of why people want to have kids. It started here where I asked Noah one day, like, why would you want it? Because Noah, Noah would like children. And I, I just want, especially when my best friends want something I don't want. I, and everyone knows, like, I'm very interested in like, I'm bothered by the fact I don't want things. And I say this on stage. I'm like, I'm not approaching this kid thing, like a Chelsea Handler vibe, which is Chelsea Handler's vibe vibe which I totally agree with hers as well and I fucking love her take on not wanting kids and being child free and childless um but hers is more like I did the right thing your life kind of sucks that you have kids and I like that angle because it really I send them

those clips to Anya all the time because we're both child free people and she's gone right now because she decided to go have kids. We just lost her. But she's like, actually, I'm out of that, Nikki. So she's in labor right now. But Chelsea Handler has more of like a, just like, why would you do it? Like, I'm living the best life.

I'm smoking weed every day. I can do whatever I want. I can sleep till noon. Mine is more like, yes, I can do all those things. I get that. But like, what am I not getting about this wanting to have kids? Clearly, there's something about this that I'm missing till noon. Mine is more like, yes, I can do all those things. I get that. But like, what am I not getting about this wanting to have kids? Clearly there's something about this

that I'm missing out on. And so I've been like investigating it in every way. And I know that we have kids to prosper our species. That's the number one reason because every species does. And then there's the emotional thing of like, Noah said, I want to see the world through a child's eyes. And that gets a laugh in my set.

Cause I go, my one friend Noah says, I would like to see the world through my child's eyes. And I go, go to Burning Man. Like just to do some acid. Like, I think you'll get that experience. So then it gets a laugh. I'm not allowed to do drugs. But you want a lifetime of them.

And then I explored, like, I think, but I think the answer is, and there is no shade here whatsoever, but I think the true answer is that people want meaning in their lives and they don't have meaning. At some point in adulthood, you find a career, you pursue that career, you do that career, you find find a husband you get the husband and things kind of just

settle down and you feel like what the what's the point of me being here what am I here for and I struggle with that all the time that's like why I have suicidal thoughts it's like what's the point of me like if I didn't exist who would care and I think that instead of people letting those suicidal thoughts in they go let me find meaning in the form of being a mother and I woke up this morning to I opened my Instagram and the first thing that pops up is this do you know Bobby and what's her name Bobby out out enough wait where is it I sent it to anya hold on once again um bobby altoff she's that girl that that talks like this and yes rappers and it's just very like my good podcast or something

like that yeah like a very good podcast she interviewed drake in bed and went viral oh yeah yeah and she's just like are you hitting on me why and she's just so chill and so cool but she's a mom she's a young mom but this quote I woke up to I guess it's from her cosmopolitan interview and she said there are times when I think that if I didn't have my kids I wouldn't be here when I don't feel like the world needs me or that I have a place here I know that my kids need me and it got cut off by the the thing but that answers it for me people feel worthless if they don't have a purpose like she wouldn't be here if she had kids if that tells me she would be dead if she wouldn't be here right i don't think she's talking about cosmopolitan magazine i wouldn't be here she means i wouldn't be alive, she probably was a little bit, she's referencing, I'm guessing, unaliving,

which is the way that you're supposed to say it right now. Even though I don't really like that. I don't know if I agree with that though, because- What do you think she means by I wouldn't be here? When parents say like, oh, my children are my life or comments like that, I think it just puts the onus on the children.

You know, it's, I don't know. There's just something that doesn't feel right about that. I don't think it's good. Because I would be like, my mom would have killed herself if I didn't exist. And therefore my mom really didn't have worth without me. Well, that's a lot of fucking pressure. And also if I grow up and i don't really

want to talk to my mom on the phone every day anymore and i don't really need her is she gonna kill herself which is a lot of people's concerns that have overbearing mothers and i'm not saying this woman's overbearing or that this was a wrong thing to say it just gave me insight into exactly what why i think people do do have kids I think I'm getting it now. It's because they need another, they want a purpose in life. And that is the instinct because my argument is that animals, we're the only species that tries for kids.

Other species just have kids and they're like, whoa. I just had like, they don't relate having sex to like, we're going to make a baby bird. They don't think of, I really don't think birds know that inside their egg is a little bird It's just the instinct pops up. Oh the bird comes out and they go. Oh, I gotta feed this thing. It's all instinct It's not like they're like animals are fucking like oh, we gotta try for kids. They don't know They're just fucking because it feels good or because it's the instinct

We're the only animals that go i'm gonna fuck so that i can have kids kids are like um just a thing that shows up for and almost like predators like it's a thing you have to deal with monitoring their uh their ovulation cycles yes yes that time of the month yeah so that's actually weird to have like it's a it's. It's a new thing to want to have kids. Can I just go back to what we were saying about kids give my life meaning? I think the correct approach or the one that doesn't put any burden on children is kids gave our relationship a meaning. Because I remember seeing a statistic that if you don't have a big change in your relationship every four years,

it's more likely that your relationship will fall apart. So if the change is, oh, we're going to move in together or we're going to get engaged, we're going to get married. We're going to work on this special together. What's that statistic i mean it's it's saying that if you don't have a big change every four years you're going to break up i totally agree with this a big kind of impact to shape things up people need big announcements like instagram is just a microcosm of a bigger thing which is like we all before instagram we still needed like a thing to look forward to humans like we need things to look forward to in life and when you get to be a certain age and you've been working a job that and you're not going to get a promotion

and you're not going to pursue a new career and your house is the way it's going to be and you can't afford like you got to bring something into the shake it up a little bit i think that's statistics flawed i think that statistics flawed and it's it's it's skewed by the fact that just most relationships are not good ones and so they break up before four eight years happen and then then they're trying to look for a cause to apply to like one like i'm sure that's true too but there's plenty of examples of couples who have been married for 60 years and like they haven't had a big change since their kids went to college and like well what happened what about those 30 years where there's no changes happening where they're just

kind of my parents marriage fell apart when you know like the empty nest syndrome yes because they have nothing going on so a big change happened and then they broke up. So that goes against that study. Right. But I think it's like, it's not a distraction. It's not something to work on together. Whereas an empty nest is a big change in a way that it's like a deficit. It's not like adding something. It forces them to face each other. It's not like a project.

Yes. Right. I think that there's no, everyone knows that people have kids because they're bored in their relationships we all know that's a bad reason to have kids and that people do do that like let's save the relationship by bringing a new kid like a new thing for us to deflect our boredom with each other onto yes um but i'm just trying to i want to do a set where i cover i want to be able to go to the audience and have every reason that people have kids and have a thing to say about it and not being like, and that's a shitty reason

because I don't think these are shitty reasons. I, even last night I said, I get why you have kids. You're bored and your life is meaningless without them, which is not a bad thing. That's why I do comedy. My life is fucking meaningless without doing another season of FBoy.

That's why I pursue projects. I, it's not enough for me. I have a weekend off and I have no purpose in my life. If I have a day off of work, I want to kill myself because I'm like, what is the point of my life? So I don't begrudge anyone having kids to fulfill that, that void, but you have to admit that's why you're doing it. That's what I want people to have to admit. It's like, you're not doing this because you've always like, I just don't know that. Um, I think people are just scared to admit the real like you're not doing this because you've always like I just don't know that um I think people are just scared to admit the real reason they do things people are scared to admit

they have low self-esteem people are scared to and this is a separate issue people are scared to admit that they're insecure people are scared to admit they're bored people are scared to admit my life really doesn't have meaning outside of this one thing I think think I'm more, I've been doing it for many years on stage of admitting my flaws. So I'm just more, and in therapy, more able to do that than most people. But I want to get people to a place where they can stop putting themselves on a pedestal for having kids and start realizing what it really is, is that you're not some sort of hero. You are in my, and actually you are a hero in my eyes because you're loving something so much that can ruin your life if anything happens to it i

think that is completely brave i would i think it is up there with free solo uh climbing in terms of a risk because your toddler we all know toddlers like to get into shit and if you don't watch it with like a hawkeye your life could be over your toddler could just like run off with your life in its hands and ruin your life completely if something happens to it or if something just like unlucky befalls disease whatever like you're taking a huge risk so i i really give it up to parents for that reason but don't delude yourself into thinking that you are some like martyr or like better person than me that's what i kind of want to strip away is like parents who think like they're better than people who don't have kids. That's a different little approach is that it's less of just like the reason why you decided to have kids is not valid versus why are you think you're better than me because you had kids or why does that make you superior? I don't think most people think they're better than me because you had kids or why does that make you superior? I don't think most people think they're better than me because they have kids. I think there

are a few people that do, but I also want to strip away the idea that even if you don't think you're better than me, the reason you think you had kids is kind of not the reason you think. Because I have so much love to give and I've always wanted to be a mother. No, there is an insecurity deep down in you that you're not enough unless you put more life on this planet and that you have a job. And we all come from a place of that. I just happen to have a job that has not yet become too boring that I need something else. I think that if my, I definitely think that I could have kids if I get bored with my life. And maybe that is not everyone's perspective. People are, please write to me and say that is,

if you have a perspective on why you had kids, that is, I haven't touched on yet. I want to hear it because I want to hear every single side of why you want to have kids. Cause I'm trying in a very slightly autistic way to understand another side of human beings that I don't understand. And I want,

I just want to get it. Like I, I get frustrated when I, you know, I've felt this get it. Like I, I get frustrated when I, you know, I've felt this way about why do you like hiking? Why do people like to go see things that they could Google image? I just want to, why do you like cooking when you could order out food? And I understand that some people cook cause it's cheaper, but like some people don't, some people like to cook even if they can afford to order out. I like to understand

people's motivations. So send in yours if you have one. Or if I've hit it on the nail on the head, please send that to me as well. But yeah. When people say they have so much love to give, I guess I'm like- That's why I hike. I hike because I have so much love to give. But like,

the love you have for a dog, there's nothing in me that goes man i want something more like it's just so there's so much love there i had to give my dogs to my parents to get them away from me i love them too much like it's too strong but i like i think it's like a drug love is like a drug people want a stronger one give me something that's like okay i want this dog to like talk now okay what's the what's the version of that that's a baby you know like i think people want love and there's nothing wrong with that um but i think that i just want a reason for it and i and people give me too vague of reasons for having kids and i feel like it's it ends up sounding like um when people describe

mushroom trips i just don't i'm like i guess i gotta do it to to understand it that's the problem with kids though is once you do it to understand it then that's the only way you're gonna know whether or not you're locked into that trip yeah it's not like you do yeah it's not like you do shrooms be like and then you have to raise those shrooms for the next 20 years while they slowly suck away your livelihood respect it mad respect to parents out there because you were locking yourself into a thing that you could maybe not like and that you might have made a just was like let's see if we like this and shout out to mostly men who are the ones that like get stuck being parents and don't really have a choice whether or not they're going to be parents yeah i would wear

condoms i mean the fact that men ever don't wear condoms is so insane to me because at least as a woman in the state i am in right now i think in california you can get still get abortions i get to decide whether that i become a parent men do not they just have to do it then they well men get to decide whether or not they stick around well men can you know run the world and decide whether or not women keep their. Well, men can, you know, run the world and decide whether or not women keep their babies or what. But, yeah, men can just, but they still have to pay. They'll get hunted down.

And they'll still be a parent. They'll still have to live knowing they abandoned their child the rest of their life. We've really gotten into it. We lost Anya, but maybe for good reason in this last chunk. Thank you guys so much for listening to the show this week. We will be back next week. You know we will. Thank you for your call, Kelly. Thank you for your call, Kelly.

Thank you for your letter, Kelsey. Don't be cuh. And just tell me why you wanted to have kids. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Join late-night legend

Jon Stewart and the Best News team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts