The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #368 Cruel Hollywood, Getting Skunked & What's So Good About Going Braless?

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

The show kicks off with Brian sharing jaw dropping stories about plagiarism in the entertainment business. Nikki believes it's another case of parallel thought. Anya shares how her homecoming turned into a skunky mess. Nikki is perplexed when women moan a sigh of relief when taking off their bra. After Brian and Anya get go down memory lane about drawing anime, Nikki stirs some of her own nostalgia when she pulls out a Seventeen Magazine from the early 2000's. After reading the absurd headlines on the cover Nikki and Chris take an even more absurd and outdated relationship quiz.  Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here is Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the podcast. This is Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. I'm here with my boyfriend, Chris Convey. We're in Los Angeles, California.

Why is everyone laughing? What's happening? Nikki Glaser podcast. Well, I was feeling really low end before we started and I just decided like I was leaning back in my chair as the show was starting

and I was like, be professional, bitch. And so then it snapped into like talking way too fast and I need to find some happy medium you know like i want to be a professional but i want to be authentic and i want people to be understand what i say it sounds like you're auditioning to be a game show host like yeah oh that's pretty good um i am kind of that would be a sweet gig uh welcome to the show

chris convey is here with me in california and uh uh anya and brian frangie anya marina brian frangie are here noah is here as well um the whole gang is together i invented a game show you did yeah i did and then it was stolen from me and then i actually went and auditioned for it to be a contestant and i didn't get on and I was like I made this show wait a second what is the show oh well it's a show and it could also be a party game for your friends and family to play at events or parties I guess it's called Lincoln Words and it's uh I kind of forgot how to play it but you start off with a word and this is before if you heard of this game this is before I came up with this before you heard of it.

This was like 10 years ago. But also there might be another game from the 70s. It's very similar. But there is, you start with a word. And you know, like compound words, like trash chute or garbage truck, you know, stuff like that. Yes.

So you start off with a word and then you have like like a wordle type board and you have like five chances to get to um another word yeah to get to another word that's cool lincoln words i don't like the name lincoln words because it makes me think we're going to talk about abraham lincoln and that bores me and i don't want to see that show but i do like this game is really fun we should play this sometime it's a fun me and i don't want to see that show but i do like this game is really fun we should play this sometime it's a fun game and i have a bunch of rules that's exciting you have to spin a three four-sided die and what are the rules what could

the rules be well one of the rules is if you're in a circle like like if you're playing catchphrase or something like that you're in a circle if you're in a circle, like, like if you're playing catchphrase or something like that, you're in a circle. If you're in a circle, um, and you try to think of a Lincoln word, if the person, uh, you try to think of a Lincoln word and then the person, if you can't think of a Lincoln word,

then you can say, hold on. How are you spelling Lincoln? L I N K. I am. Like Lincoln park. Okay. Yeah.

Like Lincoln park. Um, if you can't think of a Linkin word. I tried so one way. Because you think that the previous word is too difficult to link with, then you can say challenge. Oh. And the person before you has to then come up with the Linkin word. And if they can't come up with a Linkin word, then they lose because they gave you a shitty

word to link with. So then you tried out for this game that was the game stolen from you? Or is it like the idea that Elizabeth Gilbert has where if you don't capitalize on your ideas, they will find someone else's brain

and find a way out. Yeah, Elizabeth Gilbert, definitely. I mean, I didn't have any means to capitalize on this. Like, it's not like if you come up with a game show, you can just go to

Mercer. Well, you said it was stolen from you, so I didn't know if that was a real thing because the other day you did tell me of a show that was seemingly like you pitched a show and then a show came out on that same network that was so similar to your idea yes i can talk about that yeah please it's insane this is in 2017

or something or 2018 i pitched a show to fox called Models on Mars. It was an animated narrative show that the premise of the show was there is a producer who pitches a reality show called Models on Mars where they would take 20 influencers or celebrities and fly them to a recently abandoned Mars colony on Mars. And they do a reality show in a big house on Mars and have to do all these Mars challenges. Wait, I have a dumb question. Okay. But don't make fun of me.

Is it a reality show or is it a mock reality show? This is a cartoon. This is an animated narrative and they can't go to mars yet why is anya laughing because i think anya's questioning like is this really gonna happen yeah i think we know i mean we're on our way so it's not okay so in this world there was a mars colony constructed that did not happen yet in real life and then it was abandoned because the public will uh didn't want to pay the taxes anymore so they abandoned this mars colony and then this production company came in and decided to take

advantage of it by putting a reality show in the in the colony there so it's a colony with all science shit but then they removed all the science shit and replaced it with like an underground pool and a foam pit and stuff. Okay. So they fly all of these models to Mars with a small skeleton production crew. And then on the way to the Mars colony, the nuclear apocalypse happens on earth and everybody dies and so this small production company and 20 of the worst people in human existence influencers and stuff like that are responsible for repopulating the human uh society on mars and also surviving without any help so i pitched that show um people said oh it's such a great idea i love you brah you're the

best you're so funny we're definitely gonna make this and then matt damon shows up in the martian and that is what someone stole his idea now so three days later you know you get an email that says oh we actually hate you fuck you and then you don't get it you get an email because sometimes i feel like they just don't ever tell you yeah they love telling you how great you are in the room though don't they that's the hollywood hello yeah um so i uh so this year um as some of you may know uh fox because i advertised it on this podcast yes nikki voice asked for it yes I did reads for this Fox Fox comes out with a reality show called

what's it called Stars on Mars Stars on Mars Stars on Mars where it's a real reality show it's not an animated narrative show it's a reality show

where they made some Mars colony mock-up and they're taking celebrities and influencers and putting them in a big house and forcing them to survive on

quote-unquote Mars it's hosted by, where is it really like Tarzana? I don't know, but yeah, it's hosted by, it's just like a mock-up of, I haven't seen it yet,

but it's, I did see one clip of it where, cause I couldn't just, I just couldn't believe this headline. And it was like, Lance Armstrong gets into a fight with Ariel winter or like, you know you know the girl from the she was like the younger sister in modern family like the smart one oh yeah yeah lance armstrong is in a screaming fight with her on stars on mars what because he's like i'm leaving and she's like this isn't what it's about and all these people

are like you need to stay we came here as a group. It's desperate. And he's just so intense. And it actually looked really good. Stars on Mars. Check it out on Fox. It's hosted by William Shatner. That was my idea, a parody. Because the idea of that reality show was so ridiculous. It was hosted by William?

Yeah, William Shatner is the host. William Shatner is 90-something years old. He's still got it. Jesus Christ. What did you feel when, like, do you think they stole it? What's the parallel thought? What do you think is going on there? I think for

that, I mean, I don't think it was stolen. I just think it was, the reason why I was able to come up with the parody idea for the reality show, because I thought that things are so ridiculous now that this is a realistic possibility and that's why it was a good pitch

because I thought it could happen. But then four years later, it did happen, although they fudged it because it's not really on Mars. But I think that's why. My question is, how did you miss out

on the title Stars on Mars? Yes. Because your season isn't even all, it was models and influencers and a mix of people but you you liked the alliteration more than the rhyme yeah i'm a sucker for alliteration but that's not the only time that a show that i pitched was then made i mean it happens all the fucking time no no no protection at all and um yeah for people like me you know it's like i'm a fucking nobody going in there with my dumb idea there's nothing stopping them from just taking the idea

and uh you know running with it like you know kevin costner has this app out now uh where it's i forgot what it's called but it's like an app where you... It's a location-based storytelling app where you put this app on your phone, and then you get to a certain location, and then it tells you a story based on where you're standing, based on whatever historical or informational stuff. Sort of like a walking tour. Fiction or nonfiction? It's called audio with A-U-T-I-i-o yeah audio um i'm pretty sure it's not fiction but anyway i had that idea too i pitched that around nobody fucking wanted to

give me money for it and then i in 2014 i created a cartoon called illuminati incorporated based on my experiences with my podcast that i had for seven years i even made shorts for illuminati incorporated and the premise of the show was a workplace comedy that takes place in the illuminati and it it was about the minutiae of corporate of a corporation but starring the creatures that were in charge of running this shadow government and i even made episodes of that cartoon and i put it out on dan harman's little uh contest project channel 101 and i won first place three times in a row and then i pitched it i pitched it to adult swim this was before netflix existed but then two years ago, I was still doing voiceover auditions for animation stuff. I received the sides for a show that sounds quite a lot like

Illuminati Incorporated. And here I am reading sides for some lizard person for this show that feels a lot like Illuminati. It's a workplace comedy and then two years later Netflix comes out with a show a good show which is even more upsetting called Inside Job which was a workplace comedy that takes place at an animated workplace comedy that takes place in Illuminati headquarters which FYI not the most original idea anyway so it's just a matter of time before someone came out with it but it sucks because I pitched the show in 2014 they said this is a shitty idea you're dumb and we want to cut your head off

and then four years later they're like this is an amazing idea two seasons this is unreal does this happen to you Anya in the songwriting world I mean it happened to Matt Matt has a song that is very similar to a Morgan Wallen song. I was just thinking about it. Do you want me to play you

a little bit of it back to back? Yes. Okay so this is Matt's song from Matt Pompier released years years before the Morgan Wallen song that I'll play you. Let me fast forward to... Okay, hold on. Here we go. Okay, so that's a pretty... That's something you'll remember. It's a good song. Yeah, it's great. His voice is so good.

Now here's the Morgan Wallen song. So that's a very similar progression yeah is anything less authentic than country music with this kind of country music i mean this guy's putting on a voice like you wouldn't believe i mean that's not's not how you do it. We heard the Bo Burnham country music song. It's the best thing ever. If people haven't listened to the Bo Burnham pandering after this podcast, look it up. It's my favorite thing, I think, ever.

Country music fans and people that aren't country music, people that hate country music, everybody should listen to this. It's so funny. No shirt. No shoes. No shoes. No Jews. You didn't hear that.

And it's like, he just likes, I walk and talk like field hand, but the jeans I'm wearing cost three grand. And he goes, there's a little line where he just like, I hate dirt. Like he's just talking about being like,

I would, I talk about coming from towns I'd never go to I always have the beer can with the label face and now it's all about and the whole song is like I can still I could speak in Mandarin you know

I'm pandering and it's just and then he gets rapey it's really funny um and then yeah that's um that's disturbing that those two songs sound very similar that's the future that's when that that's what happens when you plug stuff into ai that's what's all gonna be it's gonna be like well that song sounds a lot like these three songs mashed together what the fuck's that that's the future future. We're going to be dealing with that constantly now in this hellscape

that we live in. is, I don't think, I can't imagine an artist is dumb enough to just take an artist that maybe no one has heard that,

like a B track from an old album and just copy it. I think their producers do that though. You know, like when I got nothing

to give Morgan tomorrow, let me just pull this old CD that I found and like when i got nothing to give morgan tomorrow let me just pull this old cd that i found and like and take this thing this guy probably will never even listen to a morgan wallen song he'll never know this thing um and this is already a morgan wallen b track any or whatever like no one's gonna hear this one and they because that's the thing that i said about carlos mencia when i said that people were, he wrote, he stole people's jokes. The people were that were writing for him,

stole people's jokes. Not that I'm saying Morgan Wallen's not capable of it. I'm just like, I just think that would be so insane for an artist to actually steal. but it, uh, you know, stranger things.

What about in Brian's case where it's like big Hollywood studios? I think you can just hide, because there's no name on that, you can just hide behind one of the producers. It's just, and yeah, I think that happens way more when there's not like a... Well, I don't think that Stars on Mars was a rip-off.

I don't think Fox, I think Fox heard both pitches, and they probably hear similar pitches all the time, but it's not like the execs at Fox were like, we have an idea for a show. Someone came at fox you're like we have an idea for a show someone came to them and said we have an idea for a show stars on mars pitched it to them and even though it was very similar to my idea um they somehow thought that theirs was good and it's not like every single idea goes to billy fox like these are animation department is different than the reality department like it's not they all report to some some meeting but I do know that this idea did go to Billy Fox

and I'm always on the side of parallel thought like whenever someone's like I heard this girl do a joke of yours I always go it's probably parallel thought because I'm not there's not that many ideas out there I've seen it happen so many fucking times I mean especially with most of the comics accused of stealing um oh wait if if I could give any advice to people if you see someone accused of stealing it most likely didn't happen and it's parallel thought they might also be a shitty person on top of that and they might like not care that a joke that they like you guys heard me say the other day, Marc Maron did a joke that I was tossing around in my head,

but now it's done. I'm not going to touch that now because he's already done it, and I can't even put my own little spin on it because I saw him do it, and it just feels icky to me. So that should stop a lot of people. But the other night I was on stage, and I did my joke about Susan Boyle, and it just did not go over well, and I was just like, ugh, all right, that's weird. a lot of people but the other night i was on stage and i did my joke about susan boyle and

it just did not go over well and i was just like all right that's weird and then um the next day uh this comedian wrote to me and she was like hey i went right before you last night and i did a joke about susan boyle and i think that's why the audience was a little like off on that one i was like oh my god this is so why you should watch someone before you because so often you talk about the exact same things and you'll be making like a different point about it. So, or the same point and the audience is just confused because the audience thinks you watch the show.

The MC is like, it's Susan Boyle night tonight. All the comics are going to be doing a riff on this. But she was making, I'm making a point that we only like Susan Boyle night tonight. All the comics are going to be doing a riff on this. But she was making, I'm making a point that we only like Susan Boyle because she can sing a lot. Otherwise, we think she's trash because she's old and ugly and no one wants to fuck her.

So there's no chance she would be famous unless she had a good voice. She's worthless to us. But her point was, we only like her because we feel bad because she's ugly. And so we, I think that was her point.

So she sent me the joke. She's really sweet. Jessica Michelle point. So she sent me the joke. She's really sweet. Jessica Michelle Singleton. She sent me her joke and was like, I'm so sorry, dude. Like she's really, and she's so funny

and so nice. And so I was like honored that she even had like kind of the same premise because I really like love her comedy. But it wasn't the same. So I was like,

oh good, I can still do mine. She can still do hers. We just shouldn't do them on the same show back to back. And then the other night i did a joke about not wanting kids and like all the reasons i think it's like doesn't make sense to have kids or whatever just doing my whole bit and then andrew schultz gets up right after me not having seen my act and goes my wife and i are trying for kids and everyone just starts cracking up and he goes

why is that funny he like got mad at them's like, why'd you laugh at that? Like he did not understand. And they're all, they want to tell him like, because she just said, don't do that. And she made a pretty, I was proud of them laughing because obviously I made a good point. Yeah. They were all like, that would be absurd.

They're like, sucker. All right, we have to go to break. We'll come back right after this with more Sal. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, All right, we have to go to break. We'll come back right after this with more Sal. Get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. So, Anya, you just told us that Matt got scunked. Oh, my God.

He told me a few days ago. I was in California. That's when Morgan Wallen steals your song. Yeah. Morgan Wallen commits plagiarism. He got scunked. He got scunked in the cell. That's what we call it.

Yeah, I was in California, and I just ignored the text. And then the next day he said, Willa and I got skunked. And then I went to bed and forgot about it immediately. And the next day he's like, I guess you didn't read your text. I'm like, I did. What? What did I miss? He's like, Willa and I got skunked.

It was a huge deal. I'm like, what does that even mean? He's like, we got sprayed by a skunk. And they're always hiking in the woods. so i didn't think anything of it evidently late at night they went out to the backyard and willow was rummaging around with something back there and then the motion light sensor goes off and matt sees this little baby skunk and she's like you know nose i mean she's like a hunting dog so she's in there with that and he's like, you know, nose. I mean, she's like a hunting dog. So she's in there with that. And he's like,

Willis, stop, stop. And he starts yelling skunk, skunk at the top of his lungs. She doesn't speak English. Yeah. She's been trained so proficiently just for that exact move.

I know. And he doesn't want the skunk to get hurt. Not even thinking this thing is about to happen. The skunk raises a weapon in his asshole. Yeah. Raises its tail. And and matt's like it was so disgusting just like a full-on straight stream right in her nose and her eyes all over her face and then he grabs her to get her away from the skunk doesn't want the skunk to get hurt and the skunk sprays sprays him so they're just covered in this skunk jizz whoa wait do they still smell the whole house smells dude and it's been a week like and anytime

you wet the he's bathed her three or four times like followed all the instructions online of course i was like tomato juice because that's what I heard in the 70s. By the way, I just want to say, please, besties, nobody write to me. I know that I fucked up on yesterday's podcast and we dropped the atomic bomb in 1945, not the 60s, which is what I said. I mean, I didn't catch it. Confused it with Vietnam. And now I'll probably get that wrong. I don't know. Vietnam was like late 60s. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. The World War II was 1973. So the atomic bomb, I believe, ended. No, I'm so stupid. I was trying to work on a joke the other day about how, you know, how we get, we'll get back to the skunk, but how we get mad at like young people when we're like, you've never heard of Goonies. Like,

it's like, yeah, they weren't alive. Yeah. Why would like, I've been shamed my whole life. Like you've never seen a, like,

what's it? There's like, um, company. Yes. Stuff like that. You don't know who the Fonz is. It's like,

yeah, I didn't exist then bitch. And also I don't, I don't watch black and white films or whatever the fuck. So I might not make a joke about how like, you know, I even have those instincts sometimes when kids are like, who's Urkel? And I'm like, you don't know who Urkel is?

And it's like, no. And like, I don't know what, like I wanted to make some point of like, and I don't know when World War II was because I, like the argument being, I wasn't around then, but it's really because I'm stupid. I wasn't paying attention in history class. I wasn't paying attention when I was young.

That day in class. Yes, yes. That one day. You have one day to learn so many things. Yes, to certain things. I have a friend who he just, he thinks he was sick the day they taught Roman numerals and he's got no idea. That's so funny i never had a geography class because i went to a one-room schoolhouse they never in my education did anyone

teach us geography no cap i'm like how did you guys miss that in your that's why i got a shower curtain with the with the world on it so when you are on the toilet you you can learn things. But Brian has all the 198 countries memorized. I can name all the countries. Yes, that's right. That's all the countries that exist? Yeah, I can even name Burkina Faso. Yeah, I got that one. Noah and Anya,

how many countries do you think there are in the world right now? 198. I think we did this already. I'm sorry. And no, but here's another question that we did last night that is so fun that Brian has all the stats for.

How many World War II survivors, because it did happen in 1968. Veterans, sorry. How many veterans of World War II are alive today? And let's just say when World War II ended, there were 16 million was that right brian that's correct 16 million survivors of or like you know veterans alive of world war ii

when it ended how many are there today and how many and then there's a follow-up question like a handful you so a handful being not a lot like 20 there were again 16 million and zero ended in 1945 is that right and fyi just to clarify this is americans we're not talking about the whole world here we're talking about 60 million americans were alive in 1945 and they had just fought in the war. They were probably in their 20s. Yeah, so zero. Okay, so 20s plus... 83. They're in their 90s now.

Isn't it 83 years? 90s or 100s. 100 or less. Okay, Anya? 100 or less? I'm going to say zero. Zero? Chris?

No such thing? Yeah. Okay. I feel like I just saw something where like some like one of the last ones just died or maybe there was some other i'm just gonna say under 50. brian correct answer is well as of 2022 that's what the veterans yeah but we'll do the math in just a second as of 2022 there are 167 284 world war ii veterans alive and every day 180 die yeah every day so if you do 180 times 365 365 times you get about 60 something thousand. Subtract that from the one. 180.

That's yeah. 65,700. So you subtract that from the number you just said, and that's how many are probably alive right now. You have about 100,000 left. And every day, 200 of them, about 200 die.

Probably that, that number probably goes up too. It goes up every year. Maybe it goes down i don't know if it would go up or go down because they're getting older but there's also less of them so like you can't continuously have 180 die because eventually it's like we don't have enough to do 180 no the dying would keep happening it's not like the number would slow down it would keep happening at a greater rate they're going to start right because as you get older yeah the number is gonna go up

the number won't go down brian but with the the main if the top if the main number is a hundred thousand down goes down yeah you think okay so always that number 180 but eventually it's gonna go down because it's like well now there's only three thousand of you because there's no like they know it will go down when there's 12 left because it can only be 12 dying every day so it will go down that's what i'm trying there's only be 12 dying every day so it will go down that's what i'm trying there's less than 250 or whatever it is yeah but it's but the reason that stats remarkable to me is because like your guys guesses i felt like that was incredibly high i can't believe there's over 160 000 people out there who were fighting in the war 16 million

and you think about um how many people reach to their hundreds what percentage you would say maybe like 2% of people get into their 90s I would think you know well in America I have no idea what age do you guys want to live to like if you could pick it

do you want to live forever infinite years Noah's age 700 900 good question i would always say as old as i can if i'm healthy but you can't stipulate that my grandma's 92 and she's still cracking jokes yeah pretty sharp if you can if you could be a little bit like that i think yeah well you have to have that going for you can't be yeah if you have a disease or something that makes it a lot different. I'm just worried no one's going to visit.

Like, no one will give a shit about me then. And I just don't want to be alone in a nursing home and having, like, nurses be like, oh, she's one of our favorites. Like, I just don't want to be one of the nurses' favorites and that's, like, the only people that care about me. And then I die and they all go, oh, she died.

That's what they get just in the break room. They go, really? Oh. Nikki? And then, like, no one... And then they go back to social media. Yeah, they get, yeah. break room they go really oh nikki and then like no go back to social media yeah they start like whatever they start swiping with their eyes their eyes in their head god what will it be like here here's a stat according to the soa which i don't know what that is that could mean the uh shitty Society of old ass people. Liars.

A non-smoking, non-smoking, 65-year-old male in excellent health today has a 43% probability of living to age 90. Whoa! A similar 65-year-old female has a 54% probability of living to age 90. If they never smoked or if they don't smoke now. It just says non-smoking. So I'm assuming, I think after like 10 years, your lungs completely regenerate. My mom's lungs are golden. Really?

That's a problem. She needs to have that checked out. She smoked for 30, you know, maybe 40 years or something. And her lungs now look great. Not to say that if you're smoking right now, like, don't go, well, I can just quit later. It'll be fine. Like, it'll get you. There's a picture of Julie Glazer in her either late 20s or early, early 30s that is so hot.

And I think she's with you, Nikki. in her either late 20s or early, early 30s that is so hot. And I think she's with you, Nikki. And there's like a blanket or a skirt or something like flying in the wind over her. And I think she has a cigarette. And it looks like the coolest Virginia Slims ad ever. She's like tan and sexy. And she has like a little baby next to her. I think it's Nikki.

Yeah, it's me. And it's just like, I want to smoke. Late 20s. I know. She made it look cool cool my mom would always like just be sitting in a chair and I mean I grew up

like seeing my parents doing this all the time and it looking like cool yeah it still it still looks cool it still looks cool to me

yeah one of the one of the videos in Auschwitz one of the Holocaust survivors was smoking a cigarette I was like this woman is so cool she's smoking a cigarette

being like and then the Germans they came and we weren't surprised and they all had great lipstick and great hair done

you can tell they got really coiffed for their interview I really want to know what that movie was that they were showing us because I said it yesterday I go

why don't we all just go watch that movie that seems like that would be very important for us to all do. You haven't seen Holocaust 2.0? The Ken Burns documentary? I don't know if it was Ken Burns. It seemed way older.

Oh. But it was like interviews with all these survivors. Steven Spielberg interviewed a whole bunch of survivors. And if you go to the Holocaust Foundation, you could hear like everyone's story that he was able to contact it might have been that um okay the end okay yeah no no no no no no wait the end of what schindler's list no i know what was that have you seen spoiler alert no but i heard a louis ck joke the other day about it people have got by juice have you

heard that joke so he has this amazing joke about sorry to always just be quoting louis ck but that's all i'd be doing lately but he has a joke about the little girl in red in the movie when the when they're being round up and they're coming to get them and um there's this one little german girl who's like bye juice bye juice and he's like oh it's just a crazy scene you're watching you're just like oh my god and then he's like that means they had to like audition that role that means that there's a tape somewhere with a little a bunch of adorable girls going by juice and like he does all the impressions of these little girls and then i looked up the girl that did that was that role and she is the lead from um smallville

something appleby shiri appleby or something like that oh shiri appleby yes that was her appleby does sound like the last name of a person who would be screaming that what a crazy thing i don't if you were were a parent and your child was auditioning, would you... No, they don't care. They don't fucking care. No, you're bringing your kids to audition.

Not the Applebee's. You do not care. It's not... She was the star of Roswell. Roswell, that's what I meant. Sorry. That show Unreal, which was really good.

Unreal, yeah, which is about the behind the scenes of a reality show. I gotta see that. I've heard from producers of reality shows. It's very, very realistic

to what goes on um okay skunked so a stream of clear gross shit goes all over willa she runs into the house and immediately rubs her nose everywhere on the rug and the couch she's just like trying to get this stuff off so the couch smells gross the rug smells gross how are you not losing your fucking mind on your marina i was in california i didn't think he was serious and then i don't know i was just like i'm sure it's fine and he was like it was intense i was up till two in the morning washing her like over and over the house is gonna smell really bad i'm like i'm sure it's fine babe and you know what a week later it's pretty fine but it does smell like like bob marley has been in here for weeks yeah it is weird how much weed and um skunk spray smell

the same that's why it smells like it's called skunk the one thing i didn't know was if you wet a dog that's been sprayed with skunk it like reactivates so when i got home i'm like she barely smells and then matt was away and i'm like I'm gonna wash her face off a little bit more and I like get a damn yeah notoriously washes her dog's asshole after it takes a shit she wiped down why are you grimacing that is like a thing Chris that you would be excited about to come into my home knowing that my dog's asshole yeah thinking about it picturing it, doing it.

Chris is not someone who likes potty humor or any talk of it. You are right about that, Anya. You just take a paper towel like this. Like, here's my little wicking cloth

like Brian Franchi. And you wet it under the sink and then you just do one of those. Just a couple, fold it over and do it again. Chris got...

According to SOA, what percentage of Americans wipe their dog's butt? Four? It helps you have longevity. I really want that stat. Wait, I just heard about longevity, by the way,

and this is just me paraphrasing some stuff that I heard from Peter Attila, the doctor that everyone's wild about, who's apparently a good guy. And he's, everyone thinks he's, says he's reputable

because he will change his research based on research. Like he'll be like, I was saying this, but it's totally wrong. I fucked up. It's now this. But intermittent fasting

does not make you live longer and does not improve your life that much. So does it help at all? But that's not what it's for right what is it for i mean i'm not an advocate for it i don't think it's like cool or interesting but it's not it isn't it isn't to live longer well i think i think he was just talking to lose to like lose weight yeah it's like manage but he said the best thing is sauna oh yeah living long. The old Norwegians, they know all about that shit.

And Icelandic people, they have saunas in their houses. I still don't understand what a sauna is versus a steam room. I will never understand it. Sauna has no moisture. There's no moisture. It's dry heat. Basically, walking around outside today is like being in a sauna literally okay well yeah I thought that was interesting

also a sauna is usually like a room with like wooden like planks and then a steam room there would be a lot of tiles old naked men being around them is what keeps you alive longer what if it's a correlation

just being fully revolted on a long term Old naked men, being around them is what keeps you alive longer. What if it's a correlation? Just being fully revolted on a long-term basis. Hey, Brian, do you remember being young and going to certain kind of pools and men swimming naked? In the pool? With a public pool? Not a public pool. Now that you mention it, it doesn't sound crazy. Yeah.

Wait, if it's not a public pool, Chris, what kind of pool is it? Well, it's like a club of some sort. Okay. But yeah, that's old men being naked in a locker room. They can't wait to be completely naked. They don't mind walking around, doing whatever. Why is that a thing? I only know about it because comedians have talked about it. You know what I mean?

It is wild. What is going on with old men? They can't wait to get their clothes off. Like country clubs, golf clubs. Why aren't nudist colonies more popular with old men then? I don't think it's necessarily a fetish for that. It's just a comfort that was breeded out of us as younger men. I don't think my dad's quite like that,

but I'm sure all of our grandparents are. I like being naked. I don't have problems being naked. I often change in front of my hair and makeup girls. I'll change in front of Anya. I'll be naked in front of my girlfriends, obviously my boyfriend, but i'm not comfortable being naked because your bits and pieces are touching things and i don't like that and and um because i don't want

like you know just like sitting sitting on a duvet like you just don't want your it's not that i don't want the duvet on my vagina i don't want my vagina on the duvet yeah that's more of it and i don't want i don't want uh and also boobs i just i will never ever relate i try to fit in sometimes and i'll make jokes about this because i know it's such a girl thing but i let me just say right now i don't relate to taking off a bra and feeling relief. Unless it is like a confining, dumb bra. Like unless it's like a bra that's like too tight or doesn't fit right. Otherwise, who wants their breast meat hanging and then touching your under, like when your breast hangs, your boob touches your underskin

and it's pulling down on this part of your skin and they just feel like they're sagging and there's sweat down there i want them elevated i want them perky i want unless i had a boob if i had a boob job where they're just like naturally up and there's no little like um but haven't you haven't you read that thing that by keeping them in a bra the whole time you're not like're not developing whatever the fibers are? I don't care. I know I have read that. It's weird that you sleep in a bra to me.

Sometimes. I don't anymore. I used to. I don't anymore. But you switched to bralettes from Underwire during the time I knew you. I remember that was a big development. Yeah, I was doing bralettes because I was like, my boobs are big enough and they're like fun enough to like i don't need to always have like this i don't want to lie i kind of was on this thing of like push-up bras are lying but now i just wear whatever stylist like whatever i pull

out of a drawer mainly but um i'd never even let's just say i do take off a bra because i just don't want to sleep in a bra because it's like maybe sleeping in a bra is just not ideal. I'm never like, oh, oh, long day. Like, what is that? I understand that when you take off shoes, shoes are fucking hell. Why aren't women talking more about the relief you get when you take off a shoe? Why is a bra so much different do you guys have this bra i barely wear bras anymore because i gained weight over the pandemic so all my bras are like one size too small and the cup just like

squeezes right on my boob between the skin so i'm like i'm not gonna spend 80 on a bunch of new bras i'm just gonna go loose i want to piggyback on that i think i've gained a little weight too and my stretch pants are digging into me so i'm doing the ah with my stretch pants like every night i'm like why am i wearing these tight pants uh if it's if it's not like a strapless bra is so annoying to me. I'm conscious of it the whole time. By the way, want to recommend a film that I just saw. So cute. Are you there, God?

It's me, Margaret. Men and women will love it. And there's a scene where she has her first training bra and she puts it on and her mom, played by the lovely Rachel McAdams, who's so good in this role, is like, how do you feel right now? And the little girl's like i can't wait to

get this off and i remember it like reminded me of the first time i wore a bra and it is like i remember telling my mom i feel like a horse that just got a saddle put on it and it's like i can't wait to get this off but it's so uncomfortable when they're flapping around and like i just and your nipples are showing so they're distracting to like other like it's just not i i don't i'm not going to the post i feel really this is like the child this is like motherhood i don't want it and i don't relate to other women who do and i don't relate to women who are like oh the end of the day my my cup size is a lot smaller than yours so i don't know if i would feel the same way if I had your boobs.

You would think bigger boobs would be more comfortable. Oh, the bra. My titties are free. Why are they a southern belle from Georgia? Every woman does this. And I don't relate. And I know I'm wrong. There's something wrong with me.

I didn't know this. So when women take their bra off at the end of the day, they turn into a southern debutante on the porch? Oh, they lay on their fainting couch. They go, they turn into a southern debutante on the porch they lay on their fainting couch they go it's been a hot day i can't wait pour me a mimosa honey and then they fling their bra and their boobs go from once east to west oh wow and it doesn't look dixon line comfortable but um i do relate to you. I mean, this is a trope we hear every... Go scroll on Instagram for three minutes and you'll see something about a woman

taking off her bra and it being relaxing. And it's just... There's some memes that you go, I don't relate to this. And then there's some memes that get you. They get you. But do you relate to this? Do you relate to taking off a really tight bra

that's like, you know, full on support and then you switch into a nice comfy bralette or like a yoga top that has like a built-in shelf bra i relate to taking off uncomfortable i understand maybe women feel the way i feel in um stiletto heels but that is painful i don't understand bras being painful i understand if they're like the wires digging in because sometimes the wire kind of falls out. You have good bras. But haven't you worn like pants that are uncomfortable like all day long and you take them off and you're like, I just feel like a new human. Yes.

But I think by and large, women are wearing bras that are ill-fitting if this is what's happening. Yes, this is a PSA. When you were like, as a 12 year old boy, the greatest feeling that you had, because this was like before you became a young man, was taking off shin guards after a soccer game. Oh, yeah. That was the greatest feeling a young boy had. Oh my God, yes. I thought you were going to say when you like touched a boob.

No, it was when you were young. That's what the feeling was. You got to take those shin guards and socks off. You were like, I feel like a new man. Yes. Better than yeah that was when you became a man it's just super tight on you all day and you're restricted field hockey i don't remember like the the yeah they're just sweaty and gross and like you know like the when we were young they were like hard as a rock they were like like uh popsicle sticks wrapped in duct tape was there any part of your

guys's uh development that was like really upsetting to you or like oh this is such a hassle like my balls dropped this sucks or body your hair under your arm was humiliating to me because you would play basketball and you know basketball you know the jerseys all like you know were like tank tops or whatever and it was it was felt humiliating to have hair under your arm for guys it's all hair related it's losing your hair it's getting hair on your shoulders hair coming out of your ears it's all stuff like that the old man hair on your upper arm it's like weird coarse hair you're like i didn't have this seven years ago i realized that men are embarrassed by things that we would not have

expected them to be embarrassed by we just thought it was boners like you guys are constantly hiding boners and they're coming up all the time and you need notebooks and like you can't get called to the front of the class like i remember like trying not to talk to boys because I was so worried that they would get a boner and be embarrassed because I just wanted to prevent boys from being embarrassed because this thing would pop up in your pants that you couldn't control. That was like a rod.

I couldn't believe it. It's been so long since I got a undesired boner. Right. And I forgot that that was at one point in my life an issue. Like when I was in middle school or whatever. I would go to school every day

like fearing for my life. I had a friend. You were in middle school. What was your thing, Brian? Well, when I was in middle school, I would get those boners and you know, yeah, you wouldn't want to be

walking around with a boner and you had to figure out ways to cover it up with a textbook. I took so many AP courses because of that. No wonder he's so good at countries and geography i had a friend who was at uh he was like you know at some department store buying clothes with his mom which is unrelated to what what occurred to him and you know at some point like he got the thing and everybody every guy knows a mannequin

probably a mannequin some woman undressing a mannequin and, every guy knows about it. A mannequin. Probably a mannequin. Some woman undressing a mannequin. And like every guy knows about like the tuck. Like you have to, you know. Up in your, up in your belt. Up into your belt. Yeah. Tuck your penis up. Yeah.

Yeah. Does everyone do that? Yeah. Yeah. The guys know about it. I remember learning about it in high school. That's when I learned penises go more than just a right angle. They can go all the way up.

They can go 180. So you have to do that thing. And then he, he was like chris tucker he invented it he was a guy you're chris tucker oh no no this is well this is actually this guy's actually his name is chris wait what happened i feel like i know this so you know when you like so you know when you take off your shirt like and you've got a t-shirt underneath to try something on he his mom was like helping him like you know take off a shirt so that he could try on something else and i mean it was just right there peeking out and she was like oh chris oh my god i can't believe you made the story

that was about you about someone else and you just gave it away at the end. No, I didn't. I'm just kidding. It's like, it'd be funny if it was the whole time but you like, the guy's name was Chris but you forgot to change it. No, but that's a good way

of doing it. It'd be like, his name was also Chris but it definitely wasn't me. Yeah, it definitely wasn't me. No one would believe you that you would, yeah, that's a great idea

because no one would believe that you would just try to change the name to your name. No. That is good. Another dumb question. Men also are embarrassed by um jerking off

until college and in high school it's embarrassing and then college it becomes like i jerked off seven times today and it becomes braggy but at first the worst hannibal burris has a bit that he hates his nephew his nephew's always like you're not famous hannibal you're not famous and he goes do you just jerk off and his cousin just like is in high school he goes shut up he goes you look like you just jerked off because they always just jerked off and they're humiliated by it but then something shifts where then you become like okay about talking about jerking off is that true yeah that would that that would be accurate i don't recall that switch where it was all of a sudden we were bragging about our numbers in college.

It wasn't the most embarrassing thing to have someone accuse you of it, you know? Yeah, but you know what? I think it would still be embarrassing if someone walked in on you, for sure. Oh, yeah. That's a totally different story. I mean, that's the worst thing you could possibly imagine.

I resent. I think women need to get on board with what men were doing a little bit earlier where they were at least acknowledging that they all jerk off. I grew up in a time where women didn't talk about it at all, even their very best friends. No one had closer best friends than I did in high

school that shared literally everything except that all my friends be jerking off and no one told me about it so i didn't even know it was a thing you could do i had no idea they were teaching me how to make you know pipes out of pen caps but no one told me you were doing cats cradle all day yes i was i used to jerk off with my best friend jacob's ladder what'd you say noah i used to jerk off with my best friend that's how i learned to masturbate what i need to be friends with you wait how did this even happen we're all

wrapped with attention well it's because we had access to like the spice channel and playboy so we kind of learned it from the models on there and then her mom had this back massager that we kind of put everything all together and we would take turns. But like one of us would sit in front of the room and then the other one would do it in the back and then we would just like switch. We would just be in the same room.

And would you like orgasm? I don't remember. I think so. I know. Probably. Wow. And how old were you? I mean, we were just like maybe fifth grade or something like that

jesus because i remember watching the spice channel in eighth grade and then ninth grade and tenth grade um huffy and i would watch real sex and i would just be so horny i couldn't even handle myself in one time we were watching it and the couch started like moving like a little bit rhythmically and we realized it was our um friend's brother we were on spring break and we were on the house with stilts and he was he and his friends were pushing the house to like make it shake because you could do that it was on stilts and we were both like oh my god this girl's humping next to me but it was just jay holly doing that to the house both of you thought the other one was we were both because our friends had to go we'd just gotten there for spring break all kirsten and holly went to go walk on the beach to like meet boys or something and huffy and i discovered

that you could watch scrambled porn and so huffy and i were kind of the pervs i think of the group and so we stayed back to watch scrambled porn and it was just going back and forth and i remember looking over at huffy like what the fuck girl like are you pulling a noah how did you how did you put it together that they were we We both accused each other of it. Like, no, I'm not doing it. You're doing it. And then later on, Jay Holly was like, we were talking about,

there was an earthquake or something last night. And he was like, where was us? We were shaking the house. And that was the time that we, we went to Fort Myers, Florida. And Jay Holly was Holla's little brother. He was like four, three grades below us, four grades below us.

And we were in high school. So he was in four, three grades below us, four grades below us. And, um, and we were in high school. So he was in like eighth grade and we used to call, we used to call people fucks. We'd be like, God, he's such a fuck. And like, they were just like a little annoying or something like that guy's such a

fuck. And so for his birthday in front of his parents, we made a birthday card and Jay Holly right now, like runs tech companies. Like he's, he's actually like a genius. And, um,

we wrote on his birthday card because we knew that he wouldn't know and that like no one else would know and we got into the habit of writing these long things that would just be acronyms and so we wrote j-h-i-t-b-f-i-a-o-f-m and we wrote that and j holly so at the top of his birthday card we wrote that it was his birthday on spring break and he opened up he goes he looks at it and he just scrolls along with his finger j holly is the biggest fuck in all of fort myers and we were like and we were busted and the parents were like why would you write that on his card is that what that means and we were like no we were like and but we like make something immediately he broke our code it was insane we were like, but we immediately broke our code. It was insane.

We were like, oh, that's what we knew. Jay was like special because we were in Fort Myers and he knew he was the biggest fuck in all of us. By looking at that car. The biggest fuck and destined for greatness. This was the same trip that we met all these like boys and we were like, we one time, we were trying to get a ride into town and there was like a car that was blasting um uh come my lady come come my lady you must sugar baby and um i might have told this story before but holla you know my friend holla who's jay's older sister

pees when she laughs too hard because she was born prematurely with a not developed I think Kegel system. So she couldn't, once she starts peeing, the floodgates are open and there's no stopping the stream, which was proven one time when we were in high school and I was peeing and I couldn't hear what she was saying because she was in the next room and I was peeing and I was like, I stopped my stream to go, wait, what'd you say?

And she goes, what did you just do? I was like, what do you mean? She was like, why'd you just stop? And I was like, and because then I started again. She goes, you you just stop? And I was like, and because then I started again. She goes, you stopped and started. And I was like, wait, you can't do that. And we discovered that was her issue. If it's open, all the pee is coming out. So Holla would start laughing and her Kegels would fail.

Her pee would come out. She would have to plug it with her heel. She would fall to the ground and plug it with her heel and put her hands over her head and go, stop, stop. You guys stop. Because we would be repeating whatever was making her laugh because we wanted her pee and then if she if she stood up the pee would all come flooding out like a like the only thing stopping it was her heel plugging it so that was the only thing she had so we um got picked up by this guy we got like a ride you know it was

like stop standstill traffic but we were like we want to ride in this guy's convertible so we're like can we hop in and it was like come my lady come come my front seat and we were just whispering in her and we were obsessed with the word boner at this time so we were like come my lady come and we were sitting this guy was like so good and he had no idea what these little fucks were doing in his car singing the song but we were like come my lady come come my lady you're my butterfly sugar boner and we just kept saying that and holly was laughing so hard and we knew she had peed we knew the floodgates were open so she was looked at us like you fucking idiots but she was sitting so it didn't come out yet oh and then we finally get dropped off and she unleashes all in this guy's car he doesn't even know it yet and so she just leaves a puddle of piss in this guy's car he gave us a ride for like 20 feet we ruined it by saying you'm a butterfly sugar

boner because we just used to be like don't forget your butt we would do like a jewish mother telling her like we would always be like make sure you put a rain slicker on your boner it's very wet outside don't forget to take your boner to the school dance like we were just we were obsessed with the word boner but we spelled it b-o-n-a we we named certain guys boners we were like he's such a boner i just love to see that guy getting home being like those girls pissed in my fucking car and they were singing you're my butterfly sugar boner really loud they probably thought it was premeditated Like we're just gonna ride in his car for five minutes

Pissing it and leave Piss in the bucket seat and leave There's just like a puddle of wine Holla we love you so much Okay we gotta go to break is that right Yeah we're gonna go to break We'll come back after this with more show John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. So any headlines in your guys' lives what's going on aside from the fact that i learned that a dog really starts smelling worse after you wet it and after it's been sprayed by a skunk not a lot but that was a big revelation for me well you did just find some basement tapes of yours you were at your parents house i found a bunch of pictures and tapes yeah i was downsizing at the house threw out a whole carload of books and

bullshit i was like wow i really used to be quite literate i had all these poetry books and textbooks but i got rid of all that bullshit but i did find some you used to read poetry that was my major writing isn't it strange like looking back at some of your old stuff and forgetting that that's who like those are the that's who you were like I was that

I know I used to draw anime girls I was into that too I drew so many anime girls I was pretty good really?

I still can illustrate a little bit and I'm trying to get back into it but like back when I was in high school I would draw anime girls and they looked I'm not I they did

have big look like a good anime girl like they did look like why was it girls why didn't you draw you know I guess I don't know he would have been gay yeah I mean I guess the girls were you drawing like Sailor Moon?

Like, I watched Sailor Moon. I guess, no, sometimes I did draw, like, Dragon Ball Z type guys. Okay. Those were the guys. But I would also draw, like, a girl with, like, big eyes. And, you know, that's just what anime is. You know, it's not really, like... It wasn't truly, like, a sexual thing.

It wasn't, like, jacking off to the anime drawings I made. Isn anime drawings i made but like anime i just sketched this really quick no that's like disney holy it's so hard to do a guy's mouth to me like women have these big beautiful lips you could draw but how do you do a guy's mouth brian just do a line okay one single line chris is drawing something from memory oh shit he's got are you doing that s oh oh my god that's so the anime there is this um there was this book that my brother and i had when we were really young and it like maybe a video of like a video series or something and it taught you how to just like draw cartoons and so and i never evolved past that but i still can do like the type of guy that we used to do and then i have friends that went to another grade school than me and they would

draw like skater versions of this and so i can still you could still draw these like horrible i'm gonna try to do one i learned how to do garfield with my brother drawing is so fun and i always tried to get kids into it when i babysat because you don't have to do anything they just sit with and draw but kids don't even want to draw anymore i'm always like let's just draw you just they sit there they're working they're like diligent they're i want a child who is obsessively drawing all the time what are some other things you were into as a kid that you like let go of i don't think i relate to things i was into that i'm not into now i guess dave matthews band and like kids don't want to draw because they can do everything on the computer now like all of their stuff is computerized here's a little bunny rabbit oh wow

look at your sketches those are good brian dog that's so good and chris i've never seen you draw anything i learn new things about this man every day. That he used to be into Legos when he was a kid. That's really good, Brian. Look at that little chipmunk. So cute. That's good, Brian. Wow.

You could get into that art school they used to advertise in magazines where it's like, you can draw this lady. Remember that? You know what I just got? Speaking of things that like remind you of who you were. One second. You know, I just got? Speaking of things that remind you of who you were. One second. You know, I also do animation. So it's not crazy that I draw.

But even when you're doing animation, it's like drawing is useless. I ordered this off eBay the other day because I was like, I just want to go on a nostalgia run. And it is Seventeen Magazine from August 2000. aniston it's aniston i i went through all the covers to see which one i remembered i really wanted to buy a delia's catalog from the 90s late 90s which do not exist online if you if anyone has one i will buy one from you because

i really want nostalgia this was like 25 bucks i think but. But it's worth it because- How much will you pay for Adelia's catalog? Around, maybe upwards of $50. If you can find one from 1998 until 2000, that's the only years I want. Oh my God, my sister's going to be so bummed. She just donated all these vintage Jane magazines and Sassy magazines to Goodwill. I know. There was one with Lisa Marie Presley on the cover.

Do we have time to do the quiz? We used to do the quizzes. quizzes oh the quizzes are so fun we should just like let me just read you the headlines of the Seventeen Magazine they photoshopped the shit out of her though

oh yeah Aniston looks almost older than she does now in this which is really weird because in the 90s like she doesn't she look like

in her late 30s probably 22 in that picture oh yeah Sarah Michelle Gellar was the face of Maybelline for so long this ad was run probably until 2014 um but this is from 2000 this is pre-9-11 i love anything pre-9-11 like right pre-pre um it says at the top 17 magazine five lines that will get him talking

what what is that even what could that really gotta elicit his personality from this guy and then what will you wear back to school 300 plus ideas get a head start now hair color makeover all you need to get it right boredom busters 15 super solutions and then it says action in sync star in their own movie then on the other side it says the ultimate ponytail guide and then under that quiz will your love last and then under that in quotes no one believes i was raped and this is literally the quote next to jennifer aniston's face no one over her left shoulder no one believes i was raped it looks like she said it but that's like 100% on Jennifer's arm

it says friends Jennifer Aniston her style picks her web passion web with capitalized W web passion like internet

and why she's mad for Brad let's go to the quiz oh my let's take that quiz someone took the quiz already this is exciting

okay god the girls used to give us the quizzes in grade ways to get okay so is this everlasting love let's take it for me and chris is this everlasting love for nikki and chris your new guy tags along on your cruise trip to water world what to the movie water world i guess this was out in theaters local water park no i think it's a local water park it's capitalized water world? No, I think it's a local water park. It's capitalized Waterworld. Yeah, but I think it's just like a name, a generic name

for a water park. Was that a thing in the 2000s? Let's see what the next part is. When they meet him, it's obvious. They think you

could do better. A. You, A. See their point. He does look a little scrawny in the trunks. In trunks. Boy.

B. You're slightly disappointed. But whatever. He's your soulmate not theirs or C you aren't shocked your sporty friends just don't get his

bohemian ways what oh my god I don't understand any of those questions what does this even mean number two your summer sweetie

so which one is it what do you do I mean he's my soulmate not theirs I don't give a fuck yeah what year did this magazine come out in your face august the film was 95 so it's not kevin costar's water okay okay that's thank you you're summer sweetie picked a i picked b okay i'm slightly disappointed

in them but he's my soulmate i want them to like him so i'm a little disappointed that they're like not good enough but he's mine not theirs it's always very clear what these are gonna be what i have no idea i have already lost what's happening what is this even about and how do you win or lose like is is there score at the end okay the question for this quiz is is this an everlasting love you met over slurpees and sunscreen but will this romance fade faster than your tan? Oh, shit. Summer. Okay. This is a summer love.

Okay. Number two, your summer sweetie is taking Japanese next semester. Oh, no. So you suggest that the two of you go for sushi once the temperature drops. Oh, my God. He, A, invites you to join him

and his friends at Benihana this weekend. B, declines. Once soccer season starts, he won't have time for a social life immediately makes a reservation for two for labor day again oh my god well it's got to be c yeah chris would make a reservation immediately well who we need to track down make sure they have chicken teriyaki the person who wrote this and be like janna siegel how old were you what were you thinking were you like trying to hit a deadline were you? How old were you? What were you thinking? Were you like trying

to hit a deadline? Were you bored? Her name is Jenna Siegel. How do you spell Siegel? Jenna. J-A-N-A Siegel. S-I-E-G-A-L. We must find her.

Please investigate. The scruffy goatee thing gives your new cutie a mature look. But you just discovered that he's actually two years your junior. Now you're thinking,

A, you should introduce him to your best buds little sis or little bro the biggest fucking hole of fort myers b he's way more mature than that than that senior you dated who'd perfected the art of burping the entire alphabet okay see oh my god if he breathes a word about his real age to anyone you know you'll sick the varsity team on him football team on him okay this is a very complicated personality are you a good kisser and it was like you know the simple straightforward questions but like all of these scenarios i don't feel like i feel like this relates to like three people in america

you two are on your way out for a day of go-karts and ice cream. When your guy receives a letter from his ex-girlfriend, who's away at Camp Granada. Again, a proper noun that I don't understand. He A, crams the heart-laden envelope into the drawer with the rest of her unopened notes. B, reads it out loud, trying too hard to make fun of her. Or C. Chokes back tears and tells you he needs to be alone for a while. Who hurt you, Janna?

Janna! What happened to you? As you blade down the boardwalk one last time before school starts, your boy gushes about wanting to spend every upcoming vacation together. U.A. Explain that you're deathly afraid of airplanes, school starts. Your boy gushes about wanting to spend every upcoming vacation together. You A.

Explain that you're deathly afraid of airplanes but offer your email address. Okay. Email address. This is the first mention of email address. B. Tactfully mention that Thanksgiving and Christmas mean hardcore family time. But spring break is open. Wait, that's also

avoidant. Yeah, so is open. Wait, that's also avoidant. Yeah, so avoidant. Okay, C. Make a mental note to start researching frequent flyer plans and discount travel websites. Websites is spelled W-E-B, capitalized W, and then space sites, everyone.

We are in the 2000s. This is just, okay. Piling into the SUV for your two-hour trip home from your friend Janet's beach house, you realize that one passenger is going to have to rough it on the bus. When your boyfriend volunteers you, A, offer to keep him company, you'd be crazy to turn down even two more minutes of bliss. Minutes is in italics. B, sigh with relief. to turn down even two more minutes of bliss. Minutes is in italics. Oh, why?

sigh with relief. After three days glued to his side, you need your space. Or C, consider tagging along on the bus, but opt to take the car ride home with your girlfriends. I hate this so much.

And someone took this quiz, gave themselves a score. What did they get? They got a 27. They got a 27. So for this girl, it says- Turns out you're codependent and avoidant. I mean, a lot of this stuff... Oh, here's another quiz.

Are you over the breakup? Let's just do one of these. His birthday was yesterday. You were in no mood to celebrate. And you sent him, A, a toadstool, two frog tongues, and a lock of your hair, a secret potion to give him disfiguring acne. What the fuck is a sociopath?

Margaret? B, a goofy e-card. E-card! Mountain.com! A goofy e-card. After all, he took you on a sunset picnic for your birthday. C, nothing. He didn't even remember it was his birthday and told her the name. Okay.

Who wrote that one? Margaret. Magna. Magna Relly. M-A-G-A-N-A. Magna Relly. M-A-G-N-A. M-A-G-N-A.

Pseudonym. R-E-L-L-I. That is not a name. And a lot of this magazine, I haven't looked through it all, but a lot of it. The girl's name is leslie snorb what the fuck is happening i'm still angry about 30 ways to get him talking why were we raised with this stupid ideology that we're supposed to fucking pursue men this is what final thought let's look at ways to get him talking okay like this is why i bought

this because i wanted to you know what i recently read there's been this whole influx of memes about um this is what this is why every millennial girl has a fucking eating disorder because this we were told jessica simpson was obese in this picture and we were told uh you know fergie was fat in this picture and it is true. You look back and you go, no one would ever say they're fat now, ever. We'd, you know, people say fat behind closed doors, but no one is openly mocking and saying fat on in publications like they used to. And so I was interested to look back and see how I was brainwashed at this very innocent

time of my life. Yes. But don't you think the people that are writing this are just like young idiots too? Like they don't know what's going on. No, I think we, yeah, but they were all brainwashed. We were all brainwashed. Like this was the way it was.

I mean, even not so long ago, what did I just say the other day that was like a few years ago? Oh, the thing about Lindsay Lohan getting mocked by or uh miley cyrus was mocking shanae o'connor and her mental health just like in 2014 on twitter and being like and shanae o'connor had kind of put miley on blast so she was referencing that but it was like it didn't age well at all it would never happen now times are changing oh it's an ad for a cell phone go hollywood with nokia oh it's the

shitty phones it's so funny i mean it's so fun to see this stuff hold on oh and this is a um ad for the runaway bride oh remember that movie those two things are happening right now too that we're gonna look back on in like six years and be like holy smokes smokes. Oh, I know. What were we doing? Yes. I mean, it's, there's some things that, yeah, you do. Anya just sent an article actually to us about how trigger warnings

have actually done a disservice to young girls because they've been protected from anything that could ever cause them any harm. Not really. I mean, I don't think trigger warnings really work that well. They just say it and then everyone keeps reading. But if adolescents want to be protected

from anything that causes them any discomfort, they can. And so now they are actually adults and they're witnessing things that are shocking and they can't handle it. They have no defense to it because they've always had trigger warnings. So Jana Siegel,

I cannot find anywhere. I even looked up her Facebook. I can't find Jana Siegel. She doesn't seem to exist. Margaret Magnarelli is a real person. No way. She currently works for either monster.com or some food website. She's a content and senior director.

But one thing interesting about Margaret Magnarelli is she helped define the word snarky. Oh. She's responsible for the word snarky partially. What a legend. What? Magnarelli?

If you go into Miriam Dictionary when it says example and go under the entry for snarky, under the example sentences Margaret Magnarelli is one of the first people to use the word in a published work that's a big deal thanks Magna sorry I

thought you were a pseudonym if your co-worker confronts you admit you were wrong but don't over explain your snarky comment she may get angrier. Margaret Magnarelli, Glamour Magazine, April 2002. So, that's all I know about her. I will say there's a ton of content in here.

Oh, Jen Aniston, Pit Stop, the whole thing about- Kate Bush in the house. Kate Bush? Was she there? No, not Kate Bush. Kate Moss. Oh, Kate Moss. Yeah, she's all up in here

but it's amazing that a writer for 17 magazine would make such an impact on our lives you know I know it's just like oh somebody's oh I thought maybe they were marking that page I know I know the guy who how much was this magazine like 25 bucks where'd you what

yeah I really wanted it eBay I'm gonna get more i wanna i wanna get seven you know i was thinking about what was i reading when i in the 2000s i might not have been reading 17 magazine because in 2000 i was 16 and so i might have been like you read 17 when you're 13 you read cosmo when you're 16 so i think i might get teen vogue or something like i don't know what I was reading at this time, but I did remember this. I was trying to find one.

Oh God. Girls, you remember teen magazines. How boring were the fashion spreads that would fill up like 30 pages of just boring. We only had like six outfits per month to look at. So the guy's version of 17 magazine was, you know what I'm going to say, Chris? Sports Illustrated. Is it Maxim? No. Yeah. So the guy's version of 17 Magazine was, you know what I'm going to say, Chris? Sports Illustrated.

Is it Maxim? No. Maxim. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so you would get Maxim. And the back half of Maxim was just endless ads. It was like an unending

stream of ads. And I was like, is this a magazine or is this just like a commercial? Wasn't Maxim responsible for men's early eating disorders in the 90s and early aughts maxim's never done anything wrong to anybody nobody all they did was give us great content

and those questionnaires with women year after year i am not joking you look at this dress right now look at this dress okay it's a at this dress. Okay, it's a spaghetti strap, rainbow colored. Holy shit. Is it like confetti? Oh my God. It looks like a multicolored. It looks like an old school,

like, you know, when you were a kid and you can get like a black desk with like dots on it. I have this exact same dress. That's so, the style in here you realize is not that different than the style now

and then this look at this technology cutting edge technology it is a personal TV TV to go it is the size of a game boy screen it is black and white and this is the leading technology in 2000

we've advanced so much but all the stars are the same, really. That company got skunked by the iPhone. Or the iPhone got skunked by them. Who stole whose copyright? Oh, skunked. Yeah. I mean, and look at this.

We're inventing it. This is one of the most disgusting things I could ever think of. It made me go, because everyone knows I don't like socks and like sticky or like wet and socks. Who likes wet and stock socks, right? What are you saying? This is an ad for Rice Krispie Treats. Who likes wet and socks?

Well, Kirsten used to put her socks in her mouth and be like, you didn't like it, Nikki? And I'd be like, stop doing that. And it wasn't because it was like her foot touched it. It's like the cotton of the socks plus like pulling on it with your teeth is disgusting to me so this ad made me viscerally sick yesterday it was a sock and there's a rice crispy clog that is on the sock the stickiness of that is repulsive yeah i mean it looks like it's like a human excrement coming from the sock it's not why would anyone go i'm

really hungry for a rice crispy after seeing that. That is the biggest. Like, why did they think that that would sell more? Is that what it is? It's for rice crispy treats. Yes. I think.

Why did they think? No way. Yes. Some guys. Cool socks. White socks. Stepping on a white crispy treat. Great.

Holy shit. Great. It says great as strapless japanese sandals best when eaten you can tell that they came up with this ad campaign like we'll have the two different things we'll say it's cool when it's this but it's bad when it isn't oh my god and that's our whole pitch um and um and then at the very end there's always like one page where it's like star style and it says vintage ch. Boys Don't Cry's Chloe Sevigny puts together today's

hottest looks from fashion's coolest parts. And this was didn't she give a real blowjob on screen? Yes. In Bad Bunny or something? What is it? Brown Bunny. Check it out. She's Bad Bunny too. What I'm learning from this is that we're still obsessed with the same

stars. There's Pink in here there's Jessica Alba there's Jennifer Aniston Claire Danes and I'm not going to even say there was a whole article that I buzzed past about Columbine and if it's too soon

to sell the video and there isn't a video that they ever sold but they made a whole thing about it and i um yeah i would have liked to see that you know as a columbine hunt myself freddie prince jr look at all these stars christina aguilera they're all still stars matt damon uh freddie prince who's that remember her yeah that is she was a huge star she was was in Fresh Prince, I think, right? Oh, yeah. That's right.

Angelina Jolie. Laura Prepon. You know who's back who I thought had retired? Who? Josh Hartman. Josh Hartman. Yes! I know he's back.

Someone told me that they think that's who Taylor Swift should be with. He's like 40 or 40-something. What was he in? Was he in? Sorry, babe. Oppenheimer. Was he in... He he in, sorry babe. Oppenheimer. Was he in? He was in

The Black Mirror and he was great in it. And that's what you saw him in? No, I saw him in Oppenheimer. Isn't he in Oppenheimer? Yeah, he's in Oppenheimer too. Where did he go? I thought he had retired

and I know he did consciously. He's so fucking good. Yeah, but he chose to retreat from the spotlight or not take huge Huge roles But yeah he's been in some choice Things over the years but man he looks great Okay

He's listening I'm just considering him for Taylor Swift He wanted to focus On his family life is what it says Oh is he married? In an interview Not for long Whoa He wanted to focus on his family life is what it says. Oh, is he married? In an interview. Not for long.

Whoa. Just kidding. He married an English actress named Tamsyn Edgerton in 2012. What is everybody's stance on Taylor Swift? Is everybody completely bought in on this? I'm reaching a point where I'm changing, but i don't feel this is a safe space you're changing away from her no i i'm reaching on you was on board i'm reaching a point where i'm i'm like is there any other music like i spent half an hour in a starbucks two days in a row and i didn't hear any song that wasn't a Taylor Swift song and then I started to

be like this is annoying that's it's just like all you I they can't play Billy Joel for a half an hour you know uninterrupted and I should and I might even argue that Taylor wouldn't wouldn't back that choice by business no I think that she doesn't want to be the only musician. I think that she I don't, I know that everyone's like she's calculated to be the place that she is today, which I even saw a clip the other day that was saying do you ever get tired of

the fame and everything? And she was I really liked it. I think I sent it to you, Anya. Or maybe I didn't because sometimes I like go overboard with sending you Taylor Swift stuff. But she was like, I would be so stupid to like all I ever dreamed of was being in a restaurant and having people be like I can't wait to meet you and like wanting to line up at my table to meet me as a kid so now that it's happening I can never ever say I'm tired she goes yes I do get tired but I don't get tired of it and I will never complain about it because this is what I asked

for and I really like that yeah that's actually a cooler stance than most people yeah this is what so many things that people complain about it's like you asked for this me all the time this is what you signed up out of my own thing like I was in a bad mood yesterday doing something I asked to do and I was like shut up you asked for this and so I I that clip showed up to me in the right perfect moment of like yes I'm allowed to get tired I'm allowed to get a little grumpy but like you always wanted this and this is what you dreamed of and maybe it isn't exactly what you thought it was going to be but like so what your dreams came true. So why did you ask, Chris? I'm just curious. Noah, you're all in, right? I mean, I'm like 85% in.

Okay. I'm working my way towards 100. I will even say that I'm a little overwhelmed by, I'm sick of seeing people's, what I'm sick of, and I just want to be clear about this, there is no part of me which I would have predicted there would be a part of me being like,

oh, so now you all like her? I've been on board since whenever, and now you're finally on board? There is a tiny part of me that does say, oh, guess who was right? Looks like I've been right the whole time because she's the most popular artist that will, in a couple months, ever have existed.

She's going to beat out everyone that's ever existed it's imminent and it's going to happen in terms of sales in terms of concert goers it's going to happen so i i always get bothered when like if there's something that i'm like oh that kind of feels like it's mine yes and then it goes into a movie and then everybody's like i love this song and it's like oh that was just sort of like my thing and now everybody loves it because it was like in stranger things or something and you're like ah this sort that was just sort of like my thing. And now everybody loves it because it was like in Stranger Things or something. And you're like, ah, this sort of stinks. Do you get like a feeling of that?

No, I'm so happy that everyone feels what I feel because the feeling of being a Swifty and enjoying her music and feeling like, oh my God, this song makes me feel a certain way or represents this feeling I had that I didn't even know I had. And like the love I feel in the, I want everyone to feel that.

It's been this thing that I've been like, why isn't anyone else getting on board with this? It's a fucking great feeling. I'm not like, I'm a pretty basic girl. Why aren't other girls getting on board? And so to see it happening is awesome, but stop bragging about your concert going experience. And I also-

What does that mean though? What your concert? Cause like- I'm just tired of seeing people's posts about the Taylor Swift shows. I haven't posted nine separate main feed posts. I did one main feed post about going to Taylor Swift. I do post on my stories,

but I don't want to hear about like, I don't want you to pretend like you've been a Swifty the whole time. Let us know that you've been changed. I like that to go. I didn't, I, you know what? I, before I wasn't on board and pretend like you've been a Swifty the whole time. Let us know that you've been changed. I like that to go. I didn't, I, you know what I,

before I wasn't on board and now I'm on board, but don't like act like you've been there the whole time, even though actually I don't give a fuck. Just get on board. What are they supposed to do? Um, ignore. Well,

and I actually didn't like when this happened, Emily Radizowski was like, I used to not like her because I thought something popular wasn't cool. And it turns out people were right. And I kindowski was like i used to not like her because i thought something popular wasn't cool and it turns out people were right and i kind of was like oh i didn't like it because anytime any celebrity mentions taylor swift they get their name in a fucking article with taylor swift and it goes everywhere so everywhere i was saying travis kelsey tries to give taylor swift his number the chief's quarterback tries to give taylor swift's number and i was like get your fucking name get her name out of your mouth i like pulled a fucking will smith about it

i like what you said though nikki said she doesn't want to learn anything about taylor swift from anybody except for taylor swift yes that is it that's all taylor swift tells us everything we need to know in her songs we get more than enough from her stop trying to invade her life and make assumptions i've done in the past i'm done doing it but i will say i don't like celebrities tells us everything we need to know in her songs. We get more than enough from her. Stop trying to invade her life and make assumptions. I've done it in the past. I'm done doing it. But I will say, I don't like celebrities mentioning Taylor Swift so that they can get an article

because we all know now, if you put Taylor Swift in anything, it will get picked up by the press. And yes, you can say, well, Nikki, you've been in things about Taylor Swift. I didn't mean to get picked up by press, by my mentions of Taylor Swift. I didn't calculate it to be like i'm going

to talk about taylor swift on my podcast because it's a popular thing and maybe it'll get people talking about like i don't try to jump onto her thing to get my fame more by latching onto her i only latch onto her because i love her and i think some celebrities i'm not calling out emily radijowski or travis kelsey but i think they they position themselves to get a headline because they mentioned her and i think that's gross and i don't like it and you weren't a swifty before i don't like you i am the biggest celebrity swifty or one of the biggest i would argue to say i'm not the biggest celebrity that's a swifty by far i'm not there's much bigger names but i am the most the biggest swifty that is in the celebrity realm and if you have

anyone would think that i would totally honor anyone else throwing their hat in the ring come at her i i think i just want to say that i feel like maybe i'm the biggest swifty oh yeah we didn't even get to you i've been a fan since 20 2006 i actually knew her in middle school and uh you're the biggest swifty of somebody who's gotten multiple ideas stolen from him by Hollywood. I bet you I'm not. By the way, I'm a late Swifty. Most Swifties would be like

you only got on board during 1989. Where the fuck were you? She was around for a really long time and doing arenas before I was on board. I'm even late to the game. So I don't begrudge anyone being late to the game. Just actually, I take back everything I said.

If you like Taylor Swift, talk about it. I don't give a fuck. Gates open. Gates open. Come on in. Come on in. Let's enjoy her together. You don't need to know all her lyrics.

It's not a competition. Even though I just said I'm the biggest celebrity Swiftie, I really actually don't care. I promise you I don't. That is not a crown I want to wear. I'm embarrassed of it, kind of. I don't want Taylor Swift to associate me with a person that is just an obsessive fan, so I'd like her to see me as a normal person.

I just enjoy her music a lot, and everyone can, and it's open. There's someone that could start listening to Taylor Swift today that has never heard of her before, and they could be a bigger Swiftie than me tomorrow just based on how they resonate with her. So that is how I feel. But you better do your research.

Final word. No. There's so much Swifty stuff I don't know. There's many songs of Taylor's that I don't know. So I'm not like the best, most educated Swifty. It's not about that for me. It's just about how her music makes you feel. And if you love her and want her to be happy.

Do you feel like she's cast a spell on people not not in like a malicious way at all but like there is something else going on my mom turned to me during a concert and said everyone here is in love with her everyone's gay for her here every woman here wants to be with her when we were at the show she goes every woman wants to sexually be with her she didn't sexually, but that was what she meant. Okay, we got to go. I think the lesson to learn is, you know,

we all know now that we all got crowns and I think you just need to calm down. Wow. That's Brian's favorite song. All right. That was adorable. Thank you for listening to the show today. Thank you, Chris Convy,

for being here. I love you. So I love you too. And thank you, Anya. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Noah. My shows are on sale now nicky glazer.com come see me in chicago at the chicago theater september 15th but i have so many shows

all around the country that you can come see me at i'm so excited i'm leading up to taping a special so be a part of that magical um thing that happens in the months leading up to a special where uh every audience laughter informs what i end up shooting. So I would love to see you guys there. I love you besties. Thank you for listening to the show. Don't be cute. And I was trying to think of a Taylor Swift lyric, but I failed. There's no just one.

I'm sure the word just. I have a Taylor Swift lyric search engine that I could type in the word just. Just dance. Just dance. We'll be okay. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines,

exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.