The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #369 Barren on The Brain, A Wedding Fight & Comedians "Running The Light"

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Nikki shares some highlights from the baby book she's reading that's triggering everyone in her BFF group chat. Brian has a positive mattress update that may finally get him a good night's rest. The truth comes out as Nikki confesses to a faux fight at Brian's wedding sparking a convo about humor that falls flat. Nikki and Brian have an unbreakable bond after getting into a heated debate about free will and Sam Harris. Nikki has a couple of questions to ask the room. The first is about a gift idea she has that some people might not be into. The second is about comedians running the light at a comedy club after witnessing an outrageous case of stage time abuse. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  -- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. I'm still in Los Angeles, California. Brian Frangie is also in LA, not in the same place as me.

Anya is here. Noah's here. It's a beautiful day. No hurricane. Nothing else to report, really. Just got a coffee. I'm reading a book that Brian got me called The Baby Decision. Thank you, Brian.

Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to hear more about this. Have you come to a decision? If you look at the girls' chat, I have screenshots of pages already shared that's triggering everyone. Oh, my gosh. So, trigger warning.

Only up to Kirsten's energy. Oh, really? Okay, yeah. Kirsten went to a Reiki healer this weekend and had a lot of cool insight into that stuff. But this baby decision book. So, Brian, you got this book because you had heard of it? Yeah.

Someone told you about it? I bought the book. I don't know how I came up with this book. It must have been reviews. No one recommended this book to me. In fact, I think people... No one mentioned this book to me. In fact, I think people no one mentioned this book to me. I just bought it. No one's ever told you to read anything.

I was reading. People told me not to read it. They said, if you read this, problems are going to happen in your life. Florida's burning this book. I went against what they said. Yeah, I think around last year, I bought that book because I was like, I don't know. I'm feeling really stressed out about this and I just want to read

a book that helps me come to more confidence in my decision making and I don't know. I'm feeling really stressed out about this. And I just want to read a book that helps me come to more confidence in my decision-making. And I never read it. This is a thick book. Yeah. Because it says, if you've been having trouble making a decision, you've read all the articles. It's so funny that people used to make decisions based off an article

I read in Parents Weekly, when there's really a book that can help you that's this big it's a thick book you know it's probably an inch thick you guys um for those of you not watching this and um yeah i did read articles the person who wrote that book actually has a group that they have they have many articles and they also bring people in um and have like a workshop where they bring people in live to make this decision together oh wow like a therapist sort of like a therapist that specializes in making a decision about having children brian told me that it was a good book because it's um it's warmly empathetic and wide-ranging manual so it it gives you the pros and cons so it doesn't

side with either way. Like this woman's not trying to get you to like not have a baby or to have a baby. And she just, she gives you like the beginning of it. First of all, the beginning, I could, you could skip the first 40 pages because it's about what you're going to expect in the book. What to expect when you're expecting reading this book. That also goes for every other book. Every other nonfiction book. just skip the first 40 stop so yeah and then you get to things and it's kind of asking you to do a lot of visualization of like

imagine being pregnant imagine breastfeeding imagine your husband not helping at all imagine getting divorced and having a baby what that will look like i might like imagine every fall imagine your baby is this imagine um your baby is uh not this um it's and so i'm like how is this book that's just page 43 how am i what are they gonna ask me all the way down i'm enjoying your screenshots i just saw these can i just quickly show the youtube viewer a nikki glazer screenshot here's a normal yeah just just part of a book highlighted and then we move on that's actually that's it that's totally normal because i'm not giving you the whole book i'm telling you exactly a little sentence to read you're getting defensive too fast what i'm saying is i love i love this commentary dear god no dear

god no and then the other one is like what did i say on the other one this one especially did you mean this one especially triggered by this or um well let me just read you those uh screenshots uh that i already did okay so the first one is just the greatest it just makes it everything like it says everything pretty much that i've always felt and this is what I'm boggled by is that I think most people don't ask themselves these questions at all they don't even think about it and that is I found is my biggest thing about that I've been talking about the podcast where why do people want kids and why do people have kids I don't get it my real problem is why don't

people think about having kids a little bit more before they do it? And here's another thing before I get started. Rant commenced, okay? Woo! I don't want to hear how hard it is. I don't want to hear how it was so much harder than you thought it would be. You know why? Because everything you hear is that it's harder than you thought it would be.

Everyone says that. So imagine how hard you think it is. And then imagine it's harder than that. So does every time someone says that, it exponentially grows? No, it's harder than what I imagined it would be harder being harder than that. It's always going to be harder. You're allowed to complain. Please don't take this the wrong way that if I think you have kids, being harder than that. It's always going to be harder. I do. You're allowed to complain. Please don't take this the wrong way that if I think you have kids, you can't say anything because you chose that.

That is not what I'm saying. I complain about my life. I chose all the damn time. But don't be surprised when you're not sleeping. Don't be surprised when your nipples hurt. Don't be surprised by it. Don't,

um, I, I don't understand this. I think there's something really funny about the fact that literally I've been hearing since I was able to hear words and process sentences from adults that having a baby and raising kids is way harder than you think it's going to be. Everyone's heard this their whole lives. So why are people entering into it thinking it's actually going to be easier than the thing that no one has ever said it's easier than you think? Literally zero people.

Maybe Nick Cannon. But other than that, no one gets off easier with childhood. So stop this. And I just, that's the thing. But I want to reiterate, if you do have kids, rant over. You can complain about them all you want.

In fact, my sister never complains about being a mom. And I go over and I'm like, well, you just complain a little bit because this sucks. And I want to hear you let some of this out because I know you signed, because she's always like, I signed up for this. And I'm like, oh, I understand that. But this is really ridiculous. And it still sucks. And you can still bitch about things you signed up for this. And I'm gonna go, I understand that. But this is really ridiculous and it still sucks. And you can still bitch about things you signed up for. But the surprise over it

or trying to get other people to feel sorry for you because you go, man, it's just way worse than I thought it would be. Not interesting. We've been hearing it since we were four. Don't care. I knew at the age of four, I didn't want kids because I heard people saying that shit

about me that they were raising. Rant over. Yeah, you don't like a non-interesting take or a non-unique take. Yeah, I guess that's it. It's the most cur take ever because it's been said a million times. And I don't get people still saying it's harder than you think it would be. I guess people are probably listening to this going, well, she doesn't get that even what she imagines being hard, it's harder than you think it would be i guess people are probably listening to this going well she doesn't get that even what she imagines being hard it's harder than that and it's harder than the so it probably is i probably would be a hypocrite if i had kids and say you know what i take it back it is harder than i imagined it would be once i even added hardness to what i

thought it would be well come on we can imagine a little bit more. I mean, just imagine that it's harder than that. That's what I'm saying. Whenever I'm on a treadmill and I'm doing a workout where I kind of want to die, and usually I'm only at that level for about 30 seconds and then I take it down. I don't force myself to do that much anymore. But when I do, I always remember the team like the like people in the navy seals say that whenever you're ready to die your body is capable of 17 times more that 17 times damn so if you think this is what you're thinking about when you're working out yeah because i go i want to go i want to quit and i go you could do this for 17 more times and you think you're about to pass out right now? 17 more, bitch. And I don't do it,

but I just go, I know I'm capable of more. When I have a kid, I'm going to imagine that the kid is going to pull out a semi-automatic rifle and start shooting up the house and he's going to be spilling acid all over the floor.

He's going to try to kill me every single day and then i have the kid and i'll be like you know what it's not as hard as i thought it'd be yes it's like my friend gabe i thought he'd be shooting me yeah my friend gabe kia used to have a joke that he was he got like busted for dealing drugs in college and to tell his mom he got a felony right and he was like he told his mom he his mom, he got a felony, right? And he was like, he told his mom, he's like, mom, I got a felony. And she goes, for what?

He goes, rape. And she goes, no. And he goes, just kidding, drugs, mom, drugs. And she was like, oh, thank God. She's happy about it now. So yeah, just make it the worst thing ever. That's what I would imagine too.

It's like, I think this book probably is trying to get you to do that. Imagine, do you still want it if it could go the horrible way? So here's the quote that I loved. So people are kind of, she's lamenting in the book in the beginning on behalf of people who say, this is such a tough decision. Why is this so tough for me?

You know, I think people go, if it's tough, then I should just not have kids. Because why is this so tough? You should just know. And I think they're also comparing themselves to women like I do who are just, I've always known I want to be a man. And that really sultry tone that they say it really. And you go, Oh,

because your mom wasn't really around and you had to raise your sisters. So that's probably why, because you're forced into it. Yes. So often. That's me being snarky and I'm jealous. Okay. So it says,

why is this decision so difficult? My clients and workshop attendees moan. Are we the wishy-washiest people on the planet? Wow, they say moan? She says moan. Wouldn't most normal reasonable people have decided by now? I answer their question with a question of my own. Do you want this job which I'm about to offer you? Listen carefully. If you accept it, you will have to do it for 20 years Before you commit, you are not allowed to try it out or even meet your boss or co-worker Consequently, you may have no idea if you will like the job or the person Nor will you know until you start if you will love or hate it

During the three months of your apprenticeship, you will endure sleepless nights, 24-hour shifts, seven days a week. Sound good so far? But wait, there's so much more. For this grueling job, you will not receive a salary. In fact, you have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to do it. Oh, and also there's no clause for quitting, at least not for the first 18 years. Are you grabbing the contract pen in hand and pulling your partner over to the desk to sign up right away? So that may sound like she's on the side of don't have kids. What she's trying to do here is not that because she goes on to make a bunch of reasons for having kids. What she's trying to say is like, don't be mad at yourself for thinking this is a hard decision because these are the questions people should ask themselves and they don't at all because our society just like forces kids onto people.'s just the thing you do next and i don't think people give it that much

thought and then this is the one that i said this one especially so it said this exercise helps you consider career career sacrifices that parenthood may demand imagine that a colleague moves ahead of you in some way simply because you can't work as hard now that you're involved with your child perhaps he or she is more is promoted first even though you are more qualified how would you feel about this how would you react my blood started simmering when i was reading this and by the end of it i was like a hundred percent not okay why well i was actually talking to chris about this because we were talking about amazing female comedians who are like the best in the business right now and like are on the top of their game

in the same way that male comedy legends are. And we couldn't really think of many. And my answer to that was, and we could think of some, but they have fallen off working in recent times, even though they are still of working age. They just don't produce as much now. And the answer every single time,

I mean, I don't know them private lives, is that they had kids not too long ago. And aside from, you know, Ali Wong still producing a ton of stuff, and there are exceptions to this Tina Fey there's always going to be a couple where you go okay.

Do you think it'll happen to Whitney? Um no she's insane. She's pregnant. In terms of like she's just a. What about Sarah Silverman?

She doesn't have kids. Sarah Silverman is a reverse example because she kind of like waned a little bit when in the time when she would have had kids but she didn't have them.

That's true. Yeah I guess that's a good point. It could be totally a random thing that I'm seeing this causality of kids equals less work, because you're right. There's not only Sarah Silverman, there's others I can think of too that, and me, I mean, my career goes in ebbs and flows, and it has nothing to do with if i'm busy with something else in my life it's really like the business liking how toned my facial skin is probably eventually is when i'm gonna lose work um also you just get tired i mean you're just like you know what i've been busting my ass for five years then you kind of get into this i'm gonna slow down a little bit just for a year not me i don't think i'm ever going to do that. I don't ever want to... No, I don't see that happening for me. Even if I had a kid, I would find a way

to stay relevant because of this. But the fact that... You know what it would take away from me? Guitar lessons, singing lessons. Those things would be the first to go for 100%. No questions asked. I'm not going to have time to noodle on the guitar when there's a baby screaming in the next room. And yes, I could get a nanny, but I don't even feel good being at my house when my maid is there cleaning

because I feel bad I should be picking up because she's there. Do you ever have that? When you have someone over doing a thing for you and you go, I got to leave because I feel like I should be picking up because she's there. Do you ever have that? When you have someone over doing a thing for you and you go, I gotta leave because I feel like I should be helping her sweep. Oh yeah, when my cleaning lady comes, I leave for the entire day.

I also don't want her, I don't want to get in the way of her doing her job. I think it's more comfortable for her too to just be like have free reign of the house and be able to knock out her blankets wherever she wants. When people used to hang out when I would would babysit it would suck so much what's the point of that get the fuck out if you're a parent that like hangs out like listen i would probably do it because i'd want to just work from home you know w w f h which we've all started saying which i

didn't get that acronym note till recently, but, um, I would probably do it. So I'm a hypocrite, but just know that I, I would tell my, I would tell my babysitter, like, I'm not watching you do whatever you want. Eat our snacks, have fun. Let the kids watch TV. Like you'd be as like, I would not be like, don't be different because I'm around. I'm going to let you be as shitty of a babysitter as I was. Cause I wasn't shitty. I just let the kids watch TV. Um, when they wanted, not all the time, but more than probably the parents wanted to them too, because guess what? I was babysitting kids that parents worked in TV. I'm like, this is good for them. They're learning about your job, right? If, if I, if I was a babysitter and then the

parent told me what you just said i would 100 think it's a trap well that's what everyone thinks when i tell them like i don't care if my boyfriend makes out with other girls that's a trap and i'm like okay well test me then let's see see if it's a trap because you have my word on the nanny cam telling you to sit around eat my snacks that's where I discovered seaweed sacks. They were the, seaweed, seaweed sacks were not around 25 years or 20 years ago,

2000. No, that was 15 years ago. They were not around, but I first discovered them at the Apatow's house, which is where I babysat. But I was, I was good to those kids because you know,

it's the fucking Apatow's and you can, you can totally, I'm to blame for how great they are and everything they do. Iris and Maude. do i remember you uh mod did i doubt iris would because she was like four now she's 19 and she's in the newest music video for the uh number one billboard song right now uh olivia rodriguez she's best friends with olivia yeah they're so cute i'm like what a girl gang they're all so cute to put all your girlfriends in your music video when you're 19 let's dream okay one more from this book and then we gotta go because this one is crazy

this is when i wrote dear god no okay okay picture this is called okay i don't even know if i should give it the title picture a perfectly healthy newborn with a touch of jaundice um i had jaundice by the way as a kid i was like incubated for a bit his eyes and skin are slightly yellow and like most newborns he's covered all over with fuzzy hair his head has been misshapen by the trip through the birth canal now consider the following description and this is in like indented so it's like pulled from another piece of literature i saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open it breathed todd and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs his yellow

skin scarcely covered to the work of muscles and arteries beneath his hair was of a lustrous black and flowing does the quote above refer to a baby well yes and no it comes from mary shelley's frankenstein while it supposedly describes a monster, literary critic Ellen Moores in Literary Women insists that Shelley was really talking about the horrors of motherhood. She wrote Frankenstein during her third pregnancy at the age of 18 after her firstborn child had died. Pregnant women often dream about monsters.

In some dreams, the monster is clearly the dreamer's baby. Frankenstein is trying to encourage people. No, I swear to God. I'm highlighting the things that have stuck out to me. She's helping me make the decision. I mean, this stuff is hitting home for me. So I promise you, like Noah wants kids. Noah, is this dissuading you?

Do you give a fuck if people get promoted over you do you give a fuck if your baby kind of gives you monster dreams do you give a fuck if uh no it's 20 years with no pay i think at this point in my life at this age that stuff doesn't bother me if i would have been like in my 20s it definitely would have bothered me but that's why i didn't have kids in my 20s. That's a good point. Well, that's the beauty of the book. That's how you know it's working. So you're reading the book and you're highlighting passages that are against having a baby.

If Noah read the book, she would find the passages that are pro-baby to be more resonant with her. Right. Yes. Well, we get back on break. Yeah, I guess it's like, we just, yeah. Well, I was going to say say we kind of tend towards looking at like an echo chamber where it's something that that is what we want to hear so i think brian's right in that and that's what this is that's exactly what this is for like this is trying

to encourage you so you can have a great decision and have all the reasoning behind it which has been the theme of this podcast now for like three weeks which so many people have sent me messages by the way of like why they had kids or why they think people have kids or why they want kids and don't have them yet and I have so many good dms that are like I could write a book I think at the end of all of this like I think something might come of this bigger maybe a movie or something about being childless which by the way I bought a I think I may have talked about this before I bought a sweatshirt that says childless, which by the way, I bought a, I think I may have talked about this before. I bought a sweatshirt that says childless because it was from, and I really liked it because I want to be, I'm proud that I'm childless.

And I don't think that's like a bad thing, but all these comments in the Instagram post for the sweatshirt, not the one I posted, I didn't post it yet, but in the ad for it, people are like, this should say child free because women who don't want kids, they're free of children. And I'm like, and women who are childless seem like they're like, I don't have one and I want one. Childless is supposed to be for women who want one. And I go, no, I'm childless because I don't want one. Therefore, it's not my fault that I don't have a kid. It's as if I'm barren in my brain. Do you know what I mean?

Like a kid could really improve my life, but I am also childless because I don't, the same way some people's bodies can't have one for whatever reason, my brain can't have one. And maybe I do want one in my heart, but my brain won't let me. So isn't that, am I allowed to say I'm barren in the brain a little bit? Your heart needs to fuck your brain.

My heart needs to fuck my brain? Well, you said my brain doesn't, but my heart does. It sounds like it needs to rape my brain because my brain doesn't want it. So, okay. Well, the heart wants, gets what it wants. The heart wants what it wants and you can't say no. Okay, we'll be right back after my heart rates my brain. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If anybody wants to write a book called The Mattress Decision, I'll read it because I'm having a lot of trouble. Let's have a check-in. Why don't they have a book for that? Oh, well, the Tempur-Pedic

attack has now been thwarted thankfully oh yeah and um i was able to return my current mattress it has not been picked up yet and i have now uh i'm now getting a new tempur-pedic mattress that's more basic like a medium hybrid that's less expensive like a two thousand dollars less expensive so i'm hoping that does the trick. If that doesn't work, then I'm going to begin sifting through the hundreds of DMs I got from besties recommending different mattresses. All the DMs almost made it more difficult

to make the decision because everyone's like, try this mattress. This is the best mattress. Try this mattress. And I trust all of you. I trust all of you that you think that that's the best mattress and I believe you. But I just don't know which one of those is me. Everyone's so emphatic. That's where I'm at right now. Yeah. I trust all of you that you think that that's the best mattress and I believe you. But I just don't know which one of those is me. Everyone's so emphatic. That's where I'm at right now. Yeah. I mean, everyone

I'm so I envy these people because all these besties who have found their mattress. I believe it's like if I was single and I saw people getting married and I'd envy them. Yeah, it is like that. People might envy me for finding a wife. Yes, we all did.

I envy the people who found a mattress that's going to last them for at least 10 years. Your wedding was triggering for many people, especially one girl who had just gotten into a fake fight with her boyfriend and was sitting in row three that I didn't know was a fight. Did I tell you guys this? Are you talking about yourself? No.

You told us on girls girls chat yeah yeah okay this is incredible this is fucking insane well i told brian later so everyone here knows about it but the listener doesn't one of the funniest things i've ever seen i'm headed to brian's wedding with my boyfriend chris and we are walking to the wedding and so we're getting ready in our little cabin and it's kind of frantic to get ready because we stayed in the hot tub too long and I'm blow-drying my hair and I have to like steam my dress that is like it's just there's a lot to do and Chris is like slowly getting ready and every time I turn around from blow-drying my hair he looks like cuter and cuter and I keep

commenting on it I'm like you look so handsome and he's not really giving it back but that's fine because he's distracted with his thing and i don't look cute yet like i'll say one thing about chris convy he will not give me compliments unless it's real like just because i say he looks cute he's not gonna say it back so i get the truth from him and well okay no it's no i actually appreciate it because i if he just said it all the time, I'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But when he says it, it really means a lot to me. And he says it a lot.

Let me just make that very clear. He's very into the way I look and I feel it all the time. But I was feeling a little insecure this day, probably. I hadn't spray tanned in a while. I was on my period, I believe. And we're getting... So I finally get dressed and i put on my like

these boots and i'm like oh and i uh we start walking we exit the cabin right outside in the front steps and it's there's hail everywhere because it's just hailed like fucking crazy the ground is white it looks like it's just all like flower petals everywhere and i say you look so cute and he's stuffing his face with a donut because he's just trying to like quickly like finish eating donuts before we go the ceremony is like a snack like you know donuts and he's eating them and i go is it the the powdered ones is it the chocolate i had bought yeah i think they were chocolate because i bought them for him at the gas station even though he was like, please stop buying these for me because they're too,

I can't stop eating them and I don't want them but I always get them because my boyfriend kind of forgets to eat a lot. So, I had these donuts, he ate them

and I said to him, and as it's leaving my mouth, I realize, don't do this. Do you ever have that where you like, are talking and as

it's coming out you're like i shouldn't even finish the sentence but it's feeling really good and i know it's wrong like it i it was you know it's like word possession what they say yeah what'd you say i call it being possessed like it's not me in there yes i'm possessed by a demon that's how it felt and i said that's like are you gonna say i look cute are you gonna say i look cute i hated myself instantly for it so i once i realized um now having looked back on this moment let me just kind of tell you what was going through my head in that moment I was so embarrassed of what I had just said like asking him because I know that whatever he gives me is not going to feel good because I've just asked for it so I've just already defeated the purpose of what I want um I know he's gonna feel annoyed that I asked so I'm embarrassed I just know that it was the

wrong thing to say and I'm so humiliated I said it right so just know that it was the wrong thing to say. And I'm so humiliated. I said it right. So desperate, not even not setting the right tone. And so my mind is in a position of picturing whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be really fucking mad at me and annoyed because guess who's mad at me and annoyed. I am. So I now I'm looking, my worldview has shifted to whatever he's going to do. He's pissed pissed there's no other way to interpret it he could have smiled and been like laughed and i would have been like he's mad because that's just so how i felt about myself and i realize that now so what he decided to do in the moment was have an exaggerated like mad response um like almost like a fake husband screaming at his wife like a joke so he stuffed the donut in his mouth and it was like i tell you the fucking great all the time and it's like bill burr flying

out of his mouth like so exaggerated it was insane right so he stuffs in his mouth and he goes he said i don't remember exactly what he said but i know it had the word fuck in it which he never cusses at me like it's it would be that's an insane he's never yelled at me like chris doesn't yell at me like there's no verbal abuse happening in our relationship at all over 10 years and um emotional once you know no um but that was early on from both of us uh light dusting in the beginning of our relationship on both sides emotionally but verbally dusting is coming from the doughnut the the powder doughnut yeah it's not powder but chocolate but let's imagine it's yes spewing out in a comic fashion it like almost hits me in the face and he's also cussing and from my interpretation this is just my boyfriend has now turned into a

monster like i i you know women talk about like this moment where they get married and suddenly their boyfriend starts hitting them or their husband is now like it comes out of nowhere where they just you've heard these stories translucent skin and black flowing hair and you can see his arteries christenstein and so i was like oh my god this is it like he's changed like there's maybe this weekend he got really comfortable with me never leaving him or something maybe i said something that gave him this like reassurance that now he can abuse me this way and i was shook like i i didn't say anything i just was like was, because he screamed and then the donut

is spewing from his face in a very comedic fashion. And I am like, just, but you're not seeing it as that. What? You're not seeing it as comedic. I was almost

because I was like, it was so ridiculous, but I'm not laughing. No, but I'm also like, that was so unlike him to like talk with his mouth open and then scream, which he's never done and cuss all things that I'm also like that was so unlike him to like talk with his mouth open it and and then scream which he's never done and cuss all things that i'm just like okay well

this relationship's literally over i will not be with someone who talks to me this way and now i have to go to brian's wedding and sit next to this person and i'm not going to make this about me and like start crying in the bathroom or break up with my boyfriend at my friend's wedding so i go to the wedding and we walk to it and i say he he then swallows the donut that is in his mouth and he goes finally he goes he goes seriously nikki and now it's like calm down to like his normal tone and he goes do you think i've gone three hours in our whole relationship without telling you how good you look and i go and i just quietly was like, I'm sorry, I know you're right.

And I was just like abused woman quiet, like, but he didn't notice because he's like, we're trying to get to the wedding. He didn't notice that I'm like shell-shocked woman tone, right? I'm thinking that I just want, I hate him right now. I don't know who this person is. I want to get through this day and I want to leave.

And it's a long road before we leave. We have a reception to sit through. I have to like want to leave and it's a long road before we leave we have a reception to sit through i have to like smile and like it's gonna be hell so oh my god i'm like wait a second you were like frozen i i think in the moment you were even like it is so out of character it almost was like he was doing a bit but he he wasn mean with a donut in your mouth yes and the donut spewing out like in a in a homer simpson way that to me is funny cartoon i said cartoonish and i by the way i do that with ally yes sometimes i'll do something like that we'll just pretend like we're in abusive relationship and yell at each other and it's funny yes chris and i have done it before we do it in a new york

accent though usually like a jersey accent of like why would you fucking do this Johnny like I do that kind of thing so I am at your wedding spiraling and like crying because I see what true love looks like and it's not what I have clearly I thought I did but now this boyfriend I'm like I will never unsee what he just did to me there's literally nothing that will ever excuse it. You know, when you have those moments where you go, nothing could, there's no thing he could say that will ever make me look at him the same way again until I finally days later. So I tucked it away and I was like, I'll just have to bring it up when we go to couples therapy, right?

Like I can't, I, this is not something something I'm gonna be able to talk about on our own because he didn't even seem to really notice it because usually let me just also say this if Chris and I get into an argument which is usually never it had never involved screaming or yelling we're weird for a while like it's just not comfortable with us we're a little we don't touch each other we're not like we can't really fake it around people we used to be able to we don't touch each other. We're not like, we can't really fake it around people. We used to be able to, we don't anymore. Like we're, we more stick to like what's going on. We'll literally say to people we go to dinner with, we're like not doing well right now.

Like we've said that before because we don't fake it if things aren't good, which is good. But the whole reception, everything's fine with this guy. He's touching my leg. He's putting his arm around me. This makes me think even more, he's fucking crazy. Like he just touching my leg he's putting his arm around me this makes me think even more he's fucking crazy like he just did something he snapped and now he's he's even going off book for our fight mode you know like he's he's now this guy that can like yell at his wife and then just

act like everything's okay like this guy has lost it you know maybe elevation sickness i don't know what's going on so he's really nice the whole night we have a good time dancing i kind of put it out of my head i try to have a good time dancing and having a good time the reception but in the back of my head i'm like my relationship's over this kind of sucks this is the last night of this because i have to like it i not it's not over but it's like this is gonna take so long to repair the damage that was done tonight. So two days later, we're walking into a restaurant. And we're actually like arm in arm.

And he's like, so I'm like starting to pack up my stuff to move in. And I go, okay. And he's like, so we're doing this, right? Like you want me to move in, right? And I go, there's one thing I need to bring up before you move in. And he's like, okay. And we're walking into the restaurant when we're approaching the hostess stand. And I go, when you yelled at me in Colorado on the way to Brian's wedding, I just, I don't know who that was. And it's, I still can't get over it. And he goes, what? I didn't yell at you. And I just stopped on a dime and I go, we're not

doing this. And I go, we're going back I go we're not doing this and I go we're going back outside because we're gonna start I'm gonna start yelling if you try to tell me that wasn't yelling at me like I thought at least he'd know exactly what I was talking about right like he screamed at me and donut flew out his face so I I go oh I'm being gaslit and you're gonna tell me that wasn't yelling at me I literally go I looked at the hostess and I go we'll be right back and I took him and I swung him around because we're locked in arms and we went back outside and I go you yelled at me at Brian's wedding now I'm yelling right and he's like what and I go donut was spewing out of your face and he goes that was a joke and I go what he's like that was a joke I

would never talk to you that way like I was doing like our dolores bit where i go dolores why'd you park like and i go that's our jersey couple bit that we haven't done in a while but i'm like but he didn't say dolores no and and like here's the truth i think he was annoyed at my thing which is 100 valid because i was annoyed at it and i think it was a way to communicate ang like an annoyance without committing to it, really, and doing a character. I don't think he meant to. He did not mean to scold me or hurt me the way he did at all because that's just not in him. But it was. Do you ever have that moment where you go, there's no way I'll ever forgive this person?

And then they come up with the thing that is the only way you forgive them? It was like someone took off a gigantic mountain backpack. Like one of the ones that goes down to your like half down your legs, like when you're climbing Everest. Like backpacking back. Yeah, one of those.

It was, I was, cause I was like, I put it out of my head for a little bit because when things like that happen to me that are traumatic either good or bad sometimes when I meet a famous person

I forget about it this is a new thing that's happening to me too where I have excitement and amnesia and I forget meeting people or having like

run-ins with celebrities that mean a lot to me and then I'll meet them again and say oh nice to meet you and they go I met you I did it with Larry David

I think I talked about it on the show but it's happened a couple times since then with people but I also have amnesia for really like awful things like that. And I'll put it away until it's ready. And so I tucked it away, but man, I almost like cried. I was like, that was a joke. I was like, first of all, don't let jokes go until I laugh at them. Like make sure I know it's a joke. And it's so annoying

because I'm a comedian and Chris is really funny and this happens to us a lot where he will make jokes and I won't know he's joking and it's a thing that happens to me as a comedian that first of all I can't take jokes like other people in terms of like if you make fun of me I will take it I'm very very sensitive but I should be I dole it out all the time so there's this like obviously um hypocritical thing about me in that way and i also don't understand jokes i don't think people are making jokes constantly like for me there's a place for jokes and i don't brian did it to me yesterday he had me going for like two minutes about a joke that everyone in the room got except me. What was it?

I kept exaggerating and exaggerating it, just waiting for you to laugh. So this is not just Chris that has dealt with this. Like, I think it was as obvious as that, Brian, what Chris had done. And that to me was not obvious at all. Like I almost felt a little autistic because nothing about that was different

from the way you normally talk or I just couldn't tell the difference. So tell them what happened. To be fair, I do have a very dry delivery and I frequently get that. Like I didn't realize you were joking. So it's not just you, but was this the Barbie thing that you're talking about? Yes. The Barbie thing. So, um, our other friend hasn't seen the Barbie movie yet. And she was saying that I don't want to go see it because I'm definitely going to be let down because everyone's talking it up so much and saying how good it is and how fun it is. And then Nikki was like, it is good.

It is fun. And she's like, well, now I'm not going to I'm going to be disappointed no matter what. So then I go, well, I actually have several groups of friends who said it was the worst movie they've ever seen. They said it was too woke and too preachy and it made them physically ill to sit through the movie. And then Nikki was like, what, what the fuck?

Who are these people? And I'm like, yes, several of them got up and walked out in the middle of the film and asked for their money back. And then she's like, what, what,

who are these people? They went to the alley and started spontaneously vomiting because they were so disturbed. A couple of them said they would rather eat shit than watch Barbie ever again. My one friend said, I would rather take a shit in my hand and eat it than watch one more second of the Barbie movie. Is this a friend I know of yours? Because I know a lot. Brian and I have a lot of friends in common.

So I go, if this was Rob Stern, this sucks because I love Rob Stern and I cannot be friends with someone who talked this way about the Barbie movie. Like they sound insane. And so Brian was going on and on and I, everyone in the room, there was two other girls in the room. They knew he was joking and they often don't know he's joking.

They don't know Brian as well as I do. And so a lot of times I'm the one that's like, he's joking. But this time I was just, just that's this is what the same mood I was in the other that time that happened with Chris like I just miss the joke and I wish I could go back because that night was kind of stolen from me so you need to get remarried so I can but I did I will say that um there was this moment of like thinking my relationship was over and then watching yours and I go well that's what I want you know like it gave me like it was almost like a good timing of it where it was like okay don't give up and your whole vows were about like finding alley when you

had kind of given up and so i was already i was already like thinking of like i have to start over now i have to put myself back out there and hope I found someone that's more compatible for me that doesn't yell at me 10 years into our relationship one time. And thank God it was a joke. And Chris was horrified that I didn't get it. Like he felt really misunderstood, which is another thing in our relationship. Did he feel embarrassed?

I think probably, yeah. Because he just realized this whole night, his girlfriend was like thinking that you were breaking up. Like he felt like he looked at the whole weekend and was having that like flashback of like well that wasn't real you weren't happy then and the truth was no I was in turmoil you know and um and so I think he was figuring out how to get out of my apartment and I was thinking about the summer rolls that we were about to eat and I was like okay so now I I know you're joking now just say I'm sorry you felt that way which is my big thing it's like if you don't mean to hurt someone's feelings it

doesn't matter if you meant to or not you know I don't believe in free will Brian certainly does because yesterday we argued about it for literally an hour and a half in front of these two girls that we're talking about and they honestly could file like workman's comp for the torture of listening to us debate they are they were they didn't say a word the whole time it was i wish this debate was like for um we could like put it out there for like a bonus pot i was debating just for the sake of i i i understand you were getting uh you were getting frustrated you said you were getting frustrated i i was debating for almost like the joy of the debate me too just to have the philosophical debate because i felt like afterwards because it did get it got a little screamy but in a way that's

like the way i scream which is like no brian like you don't see like it wasn't like i was mad at you there were times i was a little mad because i just felt like why can't you get this you're smart but it's because that's my fault i didn't explain it right but um because there is no like there's no argument it does there is no free will there's like no that's my other thing is like i know i am right well it is true it's like veganism the two things i feel right about are veganism and no free will other other than that i'm pretty much wrong about everything and including wanting to not be a mother so um but i will say that afterwards i felt closer to you like now i feel like that is how i all that is really how i bond with people because i felt like as we were arguing

and it was going on for literally 90 minutes you guys non-stop one subject in one room 90 minutes probably wouldn't you say brian yeah no it was 90 minutes it was crazy so i felt during it at some points this is gonna this might be bad for us because i don't i've heard before that i come on really strong and that this can push people away but because you were engaged the whole time and didn't seem to give up i go let's just keep going let's like i don't know i'm not ready to give up and so but by the end of it i was like i have no animosity towards him i have i'm not carrying this around like god why doesn't he get it we did not agree on any we agreed on a couple points but like most points did not agree i do not feel satisfied that i did a good job in the

debate because we walked away feeling the same way nothing was accomplished in that way but and two people were very annoyed to the point where they like never want to be around me again um so i knew it because i kept referencing thinking you learned something i'm right like neither of you are like okay she had a good point he had a good point no i don't think so right what i walked away we found some common ground and we were searching for we were trying to search for the thing that we agree on and mostly we're trying to search for what is the fundamental thing we disagree on because we don't even know really what that is so that's what i was searching for yeah and he

he kept saying what really upset me was like but this doesn't matter to me i don't care and i go oh so you don't care about you think you've argued for 90 minutes so you just wasted my fucking time like i didn't say fuck but maybe i did did. And, um, but I will say you fucking fucking donut flew out of your mouth. Vegan donut. I will say though, that I, I do think that debating makes me feel closer to people. Like I really like, and it doesn't mean that we have to agree at the end. It doesn't mean like fighting and not, it wasn't fighting. And I sound like my parents right now. Cause my whole entire childhood, I would say, stop fighting. And go we are arguing we are not fighting you know like that was always my first stand-up joke I ever wrote was in like fifth grade because my parents would say we're not fighting I at least

thought of it I didn't think of it like this is a stand-up joke but it was my first thing that I look back on and I go oh that was kind of a bit was my parents used to say, we're not fighting. We're having a discussion. And in my head, I was like, well, when we have discussions in my fourth grade class about, you know, where the red fern grows,

Mrs. Stifler doesn't throw a chair and scream, fuck you, EJ or whatever. You know what I'm saying? Cause it was like, they always would say they discuss things and I'm like, Oh,

I think you're screaming at each other and nothing's getting resolved so i do come from a family of screamers and uh debaters but i liked it i just wanted to so i i just wanted to share something because i um relate to you in the way that in in my previous relationships i used to bond with my partner through arguing and in my household that's how we used to show um emotions towards each other it was like through argument and there was never a resolution but in this current relationship we can't bond over arguing we bond over the discussion that we have after so now what we do is if we have a fight um we're not allowed to hug at the end and that's like for my request because i don't

want um negative reinforced negative reinforcement right i don't want to receive the affection because my love language is physical touch after we have a blow-up argument fight because then my brain is like oh are you in equals hugging and kissing that's interesting well what if it's the hugging and kissing after the result like does it can it be like we're fighting and then we discuss and then there's a hug no we have to walk away from it and then we can hug it out like smart no later it's really cool wow it's like it's what i have to do to rewire some good stuff that you know noah is like really in tune with stuff that's so smart i will say that i'd never feel closer to someone um debating romantically like i feel much closer to brian like he is someone that can like really hang with me in

terms of because i like debating and i don't think a lot of my girlfriends do and i think it's a masculine trait that i have and it's nice to be able to do that um with a friend and not have any ill will afterwards i mean it could be i mean maybe you had some i don't want to mean to speak for both of us but i felt like none afterwards i felt like almost cathartic and like oh we just had like a bonding sesh and yeah i mean you have to we agreed on the we agreed on the ground rules of what we were doing um intrinsically without discussing tacitly without discussing it, which is that this is a debate for fun.

And if at any point one of us is truly feeling upset or attacked, then it needs to end. But that never happened. Yeah. That's what you got to go into debates like that. It was like, you know, some people do like there is debate club, you know, in school and stuff like some people do debate as a hobby. You'd probably be good at it. It's fun. I have family members that love it.. I wish I would have done it. Some people do debate as a hobby. You'd probably be good at it. It's fun.

I have family members that love, that feel intimacy after fighting. I don't mind a debate, but I do not like an insult. I'm good up until, if there's any implication that I'm a fool or dumb or any criticism of me, I'm out. I'm just like, I'm done. I was in a debate with, I'm in this group and we talk about race issues

and I disagreed about something someone was saying and they were like, I'm really disappointed in you. That's such a race. I said that to Brian so many times. I kept saying to Brian, you're smarter than this.

I was exactly using that. I'm sorry, Brian,'re smarter than this I was exactly using that I'm sorry Brian if I made you feel stupid that's a no no I mean that's that's a fallacy that you can't use during a debate but like I think I think during our debate what I really appreciated was that there were we were

very self-aware during the debate where like sometimes you would say like I am feeling frustrated because I can't figure out the thing that can't get you to understand this and then at one point I was like the thing I want to do right now

is attack Sam Harris personally but I know that's wrong so it's kind of like there was also self awareness that was good he googled sam harris and he goes look at this guy look at this ugly guy and he showed me a picture and i was like that's not sam harris he was looking at another picture of a guy beautiful i go you don't don't start taking down sam harris he's on the right side of things man

and he's like he's he's saying that molesters should just be able to molest because they can't help their brains. I go, he is not saying that. I said that. And I'm not really saying it. But it wasn't that heated. It was fun. I had a blasteroony doing it. And I do think I need to get into

an adult debate club because of it. I don't know the rules of debate. And so I should maybe explore that a little bit. But as we're talking about things that I wish were a bonus episode, I want to draw attention to something that is becoming a special thing for besties to do. If you want to get our podcast ad free,

and if you want to get an extra bonus episode every month of the show, which is entitled intrusive thoughts, where we kind of say our most insane things. That's going to be a separate secret episode called Intrusive Thoughts. You're going to want to sign up for Big Money Players. That's the network of our podcast in the iHeart thing.

Big Money Players is Will Ferrell's podcast network. They have a new thing called the Diamond Players. Is that correct, Noah? Yep. If you want to become a Diamond Player, you pay a little extra a month. It's through Apple Podcasts. So you have to listen to your podcast through the Apple Podcast app. And then you go to our show, you search our show, and then there will be a button for you to subscribe to become a Diamond Player, which means you will get all of our episodes every week twice a week with no ads which is the best we can all agree and then you also get a free bonus episode every month so for a little extra dough a month check that out we would love for you to become a

diamond member and you get what and you also get all the other shows on the network ad free oh that's right don't even forget about Las Culturistas, which is an amazingly award-winning podcast. There's also Eric Andre's new podcast called I Bombed about two comedians talking about all the times they bombed on stage. Oh, wow. There's Poog, which is a hilarious wellness podcast hosted by Kate Berlant and Jacqueline

Novak. That's like, it's goop backwards, P O O G. There's tons of hilarious podcasts in that network. So if you're ever looking for a new comedy podcast, go straight to big money players because they, they endorse us.

And so they have good taste and you can just search in there and you'll find great podcasts. So become a diamond player, go to our podcast and the Apple podcast app, which is where I listen to all my podcasts and subscribe there on our show page. Just search our show and become a diamond player. Get free.

Um, no, no ad podcasts and a special bonus episode. Everybody. Can we describe what the bonus episode is? Yeah, it's going to be called intrusive thoughts and it's going to be us sharing things that um

we are that we're kind of ashamed that we think right yeah more or less things that you know we we're afraid to say on the main podcast because they're a little bit like i don't know if i should be thinking this this this thought just yeah you want to pay well. Yeah, you want a paywall behind it. Yeah, we need a paywall behind it. That's the way I'm going to treat it too. When we do that podcast, I'm going to tell stories that I would never tell on the main feed

because they're a little too spicy or I don't want certain people to hear them and I know certain people won't pay for this so I know who it will keep out. So if you want to be a true insider of the Nikki Glaser podcast, go subscribe today. We'll be right back with more show.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back.

Can you save me a conversation or two and just tell, because I know that Allie's mom listens to this. Can you just explain that you had a good time at the wedding so that when they're listening to this, they're not going... I mean, you did have a good time. You enjoyed the wedding. No, I... Is this true? I loved the wedding. I want to be very clear that despite what was going on in my brain, I had an amazing time at the wedding. First of all, the food was the greatest wedding food I've ever had in my life. I got double plates because there was vegan plates

made especially for me. And then I had the waitress go get me more. I had so many Brussels sprouts. The music was amazing. The dancing was amazing. The company was amazing. The table settings were amazing. They love national parks, Allie and Brian. And so all the place sittings at the tables had these like coasters that had national parks on them. And ours said St. Louis Gateway Arch because it's a national park. And that was our table. And we were sitting with Adam Conover and his wife, girlfriend, Lisa.

Partner. Partner, Lisa. Yeah, Lisa Hanna-Walt. Hanna-Walt, who is the animator for many things, including BoJack Horseman. And she created Tuca and Bertie. And Tuca and Bertie, starring Ali Wong, who is able to juggle it all.

And it was like, I really did put my emotion, like I was not hijacked that whole night by my thought process. There was times where I went to the bathroom and had a little bit of a moment where I would like kind of just process what I, what had happened. But when I step back in that room,

you couldn't help but forget your worries and just have a great time singing and dancing along to music and celebrating Brian and Allie, which was, there was, I truly, when I think back on your wedding, I'm not thinking about how I was thinking about the end of my relationship. That's why I hadn't even told it on the podcast yet, because it's not the first thing I think back on your wedding, I'm not thinking about how I was thinking about the end of my relationship.

That's why I hadn't even told it on the podcast yet because it's not the first thing I think about when I think about your wedding at all. It was amazing. Totally matched my Anya's wedding two weeks later. I had the best wedding experience this summer ever. Great weddings. By the way, great food at Anya's wedding too.

Can I just tell you what I discovered at Anya's wedding that i didn't know was delicious grilled romaine oh i didn't get to that fuck what was it are you fucking kidding me what was in it i would never think putting olive oil and some salt and probably garlic on romaine lettuce and and then roasting it or whatever the fuck they did grilling it it was so you would think like that's not gonna be good it looked like like soggy lettuce no offense that's what it looked like it was i went back i ate probably half the day it was so fucking good um that's awesome it was so good everything was vegan i didn't know i thought they were gonna do like some vegan stuff but i found out later later. No, the skewers were amazing. What about the crab cakes?

Oh yeah, I didn't know those weren't crab. Those were not crab. What? I didn't eat them. That was vegan? Yeah, that was vegan. It was like palm hearts. I don't know how they get crab cakes so good now.

Oh, palm hearts is so good. Speaking, like I have this calamari that I get at Crossroads in Los Angeles, which is a vegan place, and they do hearts of palm fried. We had that together. You had that with me, Anya. Weren't they so fucking good? My mouth is watering right now. Me too.

Tartar sauce. It's so good. And that place on tour that was like vegan, all vegan sushi. What is it called? Planta. Oh my God. They made us crab cakes on the road.

I mean, vegan stuff is so good. It was insane. Can I ask you guys a question, what you guys think? I am getting a food truck for a giant number of people this Friday, I think. And let's just assume most of these people aren't vegan. I am buying it though. And I'm not trying to force my ways on anyone else.

Like I don't want to force people to be vegan if they don't like it, but I'm going to get a food truck. If I were to do a vegan food truck, it would be one that like makes stuff that like everyone agrees is fucking dope. Do you think that's too like, uh, this girl,

like I'm giving a gift, but I'm like, I want you to have it the way I want it. Or should I just get like meat and cheese, normal food? Because I don't care that people like that stuff. I didn't even know the crab cakes were not real. This is the exact dilemma I had. And then I just concluded, you know what?

Like I'm not vegan, but a few of my good friends are. The person marrying us is. And then Matt was like, babe. But you had un-vegan options you thought. You thought the crab cakes were not real. Yeah was like vegan options you thought you thought the crab cakes were not real uh yeah like the cakes so you thought that you had options for people that weren't vegan and you did have but i was still like should we have chicken and matt's like babe people can do without meat for one meal of their lives which is a hundred percent true that's what

i'm saying but i just don't want anyone to go god God, we have to eat this vegan shit. But you know what? If they think that, they're late. It's LA. Half the people are vegan anyway. And people love free food. I'm telling you. Is there not some truck that can do both? That can't something do vegan options? I don't want to.

I'm kind of like, you know what? I think that people that don't like vegan food are cuh. And I would be in a place that actually is doing it right that isn't making it like vegan like gross vegany you know what i mean like i know the difference i like it all truck but i know the difference yeah i asked a girl that's helping me to look into it and but i was kind of so that you just confirmed what i already thought i was gonna do which is the right thing and um and maybe someone will go you know what i can't even even tell the difference. And I saw when I did Beat Bobby Flay,

my proudest moment was when a guy made a vegan cheese. Yeah. On Beat Bobby Flay, a guy made, I was vegan. So the whole episode had to be vegan. And everyone seemed to be very like, oh, I guess. And one of the judges was like this, like New York, like I like pepperoni and i'm like a pizza new york guy and they were making philly cheesesteaks vegan which is like a very hard thing to make

vegan in fact the most disgusting vegan thing i've ever had was a philly cheesesteak in philly that was vegan it was i've never had anything disgusting vegan and it makes my stomach churn thinking about it because my friend uh this guy that i was like kind of interested in dating he i ordered from a vegan place and he was trying to be like he liked me so he was like i'll get something vegan too i don't even eat vegan but i'll do it so he ordered the vegan cheese take and i was like ew i wouldn't get that that seems gross but okay and he was like no i think i'm vegan i can do i can swing with this and then he got it and offered me a bite and i was like that is disgusting and and i lost respect for him because he was kind of pretending to like it.

And I was like, ew, he's just doing that for me. And it is gross. So anyway, they made these amazing, amazing vegan Philly cheesesteaks because they're amazing chefs. Bobby and then the other chef he was going against. And then the cool New Yorker, like, I don't know about this. He was Asian, by the way, I'm not even joking you.

He was, but he was still kind of like a little bit New York, like cool. And, I mean, he was like Italian Asian. I don't know how to describe it, but he just,

plenty of friends like that who are Italian Asian. Yes. Are you, this is another moment of you being fake. No, no, no, no.

I grew up in New York and I have friends Who talk like they are From Brooklyn And they're Asian, I mean, it's not That's not unusual Wait, was it Michael Voltaggio? No, it was one of the judges So Michael Voltaggio was the other celebrity

Person that was Hosting it with me And then it was one of the judges he was asian but he bit into this chili philly cheesesteak and he was like oh god this is as good as anything i've ever had and he was so i knew he was he was coming into it being like what's this gonna be and it was so awesome to see him go this is as good as any meat product i've ever had it was so nice and by the way there's a new guess what i don't know if you want to watch uh the glazer episode of beat bobby flay the next one will be

september 21st at 6 30 p.m 5 30 central time sweet on the food network it's a really good episode earrings though oh wow and if you guys also want to watch f boy island um i should do a plug for that it is coming out on the cw october 12th um i'm very excited uh yes thursday october 12th is that the former season no this is new season three new season just shot recently um very very exciting um so much drama so much comedy the funniest season by far the most any boys or do we know any of the boys i can't tease any of the boys you may or may not know people if you watch them if you've never watched f boy before it doesn't matter you can jump in the season you don't need any prior knowledge. Okay, so that's the good news.

And the other good news is on the CW. So this isn't, you don't have to download a streamer. This is going to go straight to, what's that guy? Oh, that's Pierce. Pierce? Yeah, so FBoyIsland on Instagram,

you can go there and you can see they put up some of the guys' profiles. And Pierce, we made fun of a lot that he looks like me. We have the same style and he does he does resemble me and that is flattering to me because he is a gorgeous man and without makeup i definitely look like pierce maybe with makeup i look more like pierce he's gorgeous and um so you'll see some guys on the f boy island instagram you can follow it there and follow along but it is a insane season and it's really going to feel like the bachelor

bachelorette in the past in terms of like, you have to wait a week to get the next episode. So it's going to build momentum. It's going to build suspense and you can watch it. And so can your parents, cause you know, your parents don't know how to work their fucking two bees or whatever. So just,

just as on name, normal cable. So look up CW, whatever number it is on your dial and watch it live on Thursdays, starting October 12th on the CW. Set your DVRs now. It'd really mean a lot to me. Let me just say that the way ratings are right now, you guys, if 20 of you DVR this right now and watch it, never in the history of television in the 60, 70 years it's been around, 80 years, I don't know how long, your little view of something really didn't matter because shows used to get like 6 million viewers because there were three networks, right? And then we go to the 90s and it was still like a big, everyone was watching cable and TV.

So you were just one of millions and you didn't really matter. If you skipped out something, your rating didn't help. I'm not kidding you. 60 of you watching the show could make me get another season of this. Your vote matters more than ever. I'm not telling you, I'm not saying people with Nielsen boxes watch it. I'm just saying anyone watch it. I know that that would make me feel special if I was a viewer because I know in the past when people have been like, watch my thing. I'm like, does it really fucking matter? This actually does

because no one watches anything anymore. And everything is too saturated. So if you have TV, watch it. But if you don't have TV, what if you only have streamers? CW.com. And you can download the CW app and stream it every week. Perfect. Or get an antenna. I'm trying to find out if the cw is on hulu yeah it should be i think it's on hulu live

it might be okay okay yeah so uh yeah so currently f boy island is on hulu but you can only watch season two so i don't think you can watch cW live on Hulu at least that's it'll probably be the next day so Hulu the next day you could probably watch FBoy3 yes

and make a difference we will it's so fun it's so funny there are things this season that I just couldn't believe they let me say and do

and I'm just so fucking excited about it so please check that out I wanted to talk about the other night I was on a show I don't want to name names because I don't want people to figure out who I'm just so fucking excited about it. So please check that out. I wanted to talk about the other night. I was on a show. I don't want to name names because I don't want people to figure out

who I'm talking about, but I do want you to probably guess. I want people to try to figure it out, but I want to make it so it leaves reasonable doubt because I don't want to give any specifics. But I was on a show with some heavy hitters, right? It's a pretty good show. And then the person that went on after me ran the light quite a bit.

Now, I'm talking to a comedian here. Brian's here. Anya, you're very familiar with how times work and how shows run. You're a performer yourself. What do you think is acceptable to run the light? You know, if you think you're pretty hot shit, what do you think is acceptable amount of time to run the light? What does that mean? Running the light you know if you think you're pretty hot shit what do you think is acceptable um amount

of time to run the light mean um running the light okay so if you're doing a 15 minute set which these are 15 minute sets and there's five people on the show let's say or six if you're doing a 15 minute set um you can usually get the light the person asks you the light guy goes when do you want the light i always say two minutes that means a two minute light meaning i have two minutes before it's 15 minutes so i get a light at 13 minutes this person definitely got asked when do you want the light definitely saw the light because he's not a fucking idiot and he's performed at this place before god i gave him a gender i was going to keep it gender or maybe i changed the gender you don't. I work in very mysterious ways. So this person definitely knew where the light was coming from, is not a stranger to this room.

I know who it is. And ran the light. And I just want to ask you guys what you think. And by the way, I've run the light before. I'm not immune to it because sometimes you get the light and you're like, fuck. Either you end, you close at like, you know, 10 seconds to go and you're right on schedule, but your joke sucks. So you go, let me just fit

in one more joke. And sometimes that joke is two minutes long because you just have to scramble and pick one. You go, fuck, I picked a two minute long joke. So sometimes you run the light two minutes, three minutes, four minutes. I start looking at my watch at three i start getting angry at four what do you think is a is a time where you go who the fuck do you think you are time because that's the time this person reached and i'm pissed about it and am i gonna confront this person you fucking know i won't no at four is when i start looking and I start getting ready to text the sound guy. I think at five minutes, it's worthy of being like, you're making a mistake. But if the person does 10 to 15 minutes over the light, which is double the set,

then that's fuck you. Who the fuck do you think you are? Double the set. Okay. So at 30 minutes, you think that's who the fuck do you think you are yeah like i would if they went five minutes over i'd be like bro but i wouldn't be like fuck you so five minutes over like that's pretty rude but i'm not gonna say fuck you to your face but if they doubled their set 15 minutes which means which what that means is there is going to be a lesser known comedian who will not get to go up

because you doubled your set. How about this, Brian? There isn't going to be a lesser known comedian that gets to go up less time. There's going to be better known comedians who are ahead of you on the show who you need to be a little reverential to, if you ask me, and not act like such a fucking big shot just because you're making more money than us right now like who is it oh my god it's easy to figure out but this person ran the light 11 minutes and you want to know why i know exactly 11 minutes because i texted the sound guy to say i wrote to the sound guy because the person that was going on after him i was next to and i go this is on this is unacceptable and he's like yeah we started making fun of this guy being like,

he goes, I think he thought the light was begin your set. Like he thought, he goes, oh, he got a 15 minute light or whatever. He's making fun of him. So he's like, but then he starts getting annoyed because it's like, it's just, this person wanted to go home. The person, the comic that was going up first.

And did people give him a follow-up light? Like one of those? Like, come on. The light's just on. You flick it on and it's just on. Oh. It's in the the back of the room it's a red light and it's just on so this person went 11 minutes over and i texted the sound guy the funniest part is i texted the sound guy and i go i want to i want to read the text exchange because it's really funny because he doesn't really know me that well this sound guy and he didn't know we know that they're missing the light it's like

sometimes the light goes on and you don't see it and you're like oh my god how long have i been up here for and then you're like i'm so sorry that doesn't last 11 extra minutes though the infuriating thing is i bet no women do this i bet it's final thought all male comedians women do do this there's women who do this but i will say i have never i haven't seen this but the only time i've seen this happen is one time i was working with the sklars in canada the sklar brothers and john dore who is a fucking dream of a person john dore d-o-r-e one of the funniest people ever his conan with rory scoville is one of the best youtube clips i ever show people they do a duet on con that is like Conan says we accidentally booked two

comedians tonight are booking that we fucked up and they're just going to perform together and so they go out and do their sets at the same time you can't understand either of them but they have it choreographed perfectly it's one of the funniest things ever so anyway John Doerr went 25 minutes over and the scholars and I were like what is going on this is a 30 minute set and he's doing 45 and at the end of it john really was like i'm so sorry wiz i don't even know what i was thinking like you could tell he was shocked by it listen i have gone over egregiously before and egregiously i mean five six minutes but it's because i'm last on the show or I know that the show is a late show. So it can run late. So I know that the person had to make him go late too.

So this person, so I wrote to the sound guy. Hey, do you have an, I go, please let me know how long he's been on just for my own curiosity. He goes 20 so far. I thumbs up it. I said, I want him to keep going. This is unreal. And he goes seriously because i was like sometimes when when they start running the light i want to i want them to go like i

wanted him to double his time now you want to see the world yes so this is 20 right so now he's five over which is to me this is i've i told you at four minutes i start going i want to text the sound guy five minutes i'm texting the sound guy and i go i want him to keep going this is unreal he goes seriously i said and because he came to a point where he could finish you know there was the end of the joke and he puts his leg up on the stool and he starts going at it again i go and he's not done and then the guy the sound guy wrote back killing and i go oh my god the sound guy thinks i'm saying this is unreal like i want him to keep going like i love this bit and i go oh my god the sound guy thinks i'm saying this is unreal like i want him to keep going like i love this bit and i go oh my god i'm saying all this because i'm annoyed unreal as in how do comics run the light like this especially in front of blank the person who is

he's you know going in front of who is someone who deserves a lot of respect in this business um and then we start we kept talking shit and um that's a sound guy who um i will not say the name of but um uh yeah um i should i confront this person because i feel like talking i think i want to say this person would not look at me afterwards we didn't talk to each other in the green room um so this person and i did not talk to each other after the show. They were a drop-in. I think he kind of gets... Maybe he gets the vibe I don't care for him very much. Do you know who it is, Brian?

Yeah, you told me. Oh, okay. But I don't think you should confront this person. I think that it's pointless. It's like the deed is is done it was just a show and in the grand scheme of things that show means less than nothing to anybody so maybe i'll keep running the light i'm talking about no he's gonna keep doing it and what i want to know is why did you do that why did you need to work on that bit that was perfectly worked out that's what i kind

of want to ask him is Is why did you do that? Because the answer is I think I'm better than you. No, I went before him. Oh, I see. So it didn't affect me. This was not me being like- Did the person afterwards give a shit? Yeah.

I mean, everyone couldn't believe it. And the person afterwards even wrote to me later on and i go no that he ran the light that people were annoyed no but i'm sorry he's been in the business long enough you know the rule of the light you don't do 11 minutes which is what percentage of 15 minutes is 11 minutes? 80% of your set? You don't do a 180. You do 100% of your set. He gave it 180%.

I'll tell you that. When people say, I gave this 110%. He gave it 180%. This guy, it just, you know, what I want to do, I just want to say, why? Why did you think that was okay if you did maybe he was thinking that i i'm crushing i this audience is loving me and it

benefits the show for me to be up here longer because this is what the people want to see i would take that answer and i would say you know what if you if they were there for you i could see how this would go but how about you do the courtesy that bill burr did to me when he bumped me and bumped i'm saying that's usually is a negative connotation he just got up before me and wasn't on the list and he went over to me which he did not need to do because he's bill fucking burn he can do whatever he wants in my mind but he went over he found me and he said do you mind if i go in front of you and he asked unlike one other comedian that used to bump me all the time and never fucking ask who thinks he's a hot shot because

he was this guy back in the day now he's kind of fallen from grace but you know what this guy would this guy probably would have done this back in the day even when he wasn't a big deal but i don't um i don't care for it i don't care how big you are i don't care how much you think the audience is there for you have a little respect for the show the run of show for the wait staff who has to like deal with these patrons for longer and reset the room in an urgent way and um yeah and also don't don't give you know what i think he would say probably that bit just took that long and that's what me and my friend were laughing about was like we know what i think he would say probably that bit just took that long and that's what me and my friend were laughing about was like we know what it's like to get in you you

pick a bit to finish up with and you go oh shit this is a seven minute bit but i only have two minutes you make edits because you're a professional and you know your own material and you know how to make cuts if you don't know how to do that, go back to the open mics, bitch. You don't, you're not good enough. If you have to stick to your seven minute bet exactly the way it is with your fucking dumb 30 second pauses that no one needs. So we all are waiting on baited breath,

all of this like performative shit. I'm pissed. And it's really, I should let it go. I've literally, I've ended sets by saying, well, I can't finish the bit. I'm out of time I guess you're going to have to see me some other time goodbye and I would leave that way

that's happened before that's cool especially if you're opening up for somebody like I like oh my god I realize that I'm a couple minutes over there's no way I can finish this bit and you're not here to see me I'm out or at least if you get carried away and you're like god I'm having so

much fun out here and the crowd is loving it and then well if you go over and everyone goes over own it get off stage and be like sorry i went way over i'm not gonna do that apologize to everyone but the key factor is that this was the early show and so that's not just being rude to the comedians it's being rude to the comedians it's being rude to the staff because they have a very short amount of time to turn around the room for the next show and to extend that show by even 10 minutes makes their job nearly impossible which just stick to what your time is you're only getting paid 300 bucks for the spot like do your time don't act like it's like well i need to do the time that uh you know i get

paid for like we're all getting paid the same um but i will say that mark maron over the weekend i went to the economy store and he was in front of me and i was late for my next set so i had to be on stage and if i get on stage exactly what i'm supposed to i'm already late for my next set but i already have it arranged that it's going to be okay with the next set so mark maron's on stage he starts running the light a little bit in an okay way. Two minutes over, I'm still like, what? It's fine. As long as he's finishing up the bit that started

before the light began, I'm fine. And it's Marc Maron, by the way. Marc Maron can do whatever he wants. He's a goat, right? And he kind of looks like a goat sometimes. So he finishes a bit, and then it wasn't what he wanted it to be. And I could tell.

And I'm in the back of the room and I'm like, like kind of looking like, Mark, please finish. I got to make my set. And I'm texting with my next set being like, and I'm telling the girl in the booth, I'm texting the next set saying I'm going to be late. But I'm also telling the girl

who's running the light at this place. I can't do 15 minutes. I have to do eight minutes. I'm going to miss my next set. So I'm cutting my time as Mark goes on. So then Mark goes, he knows I'm next because he's bringing me up. And he goes, Nikki, can I do 15 minutes. I have to do eight minutes. I'm going to miss my next set. So I'm cutting my time as Mark goes on. So then Mark goes, he knows I'm next because he's bringing me up. And he goes, Nikki, can I do one more bit?

I'm sorry. You don't care if I do one more bit. And the woman next to me has seen me panicking up until this point. And the woman next to me is my old roommate's mother who is a little brazen and might've had a couple of cocktails. So I go, it's fine.

She goes, no. And she like shouts for me. goes but it's not okay and i go and i go mark it's fine it's fine and i go god and i lean back in my chair kind of like oh fuck not at mark but because i gave him permission he asked but more at the situation and then mark's friend is next to me tom sharpling a guy who's been on our podcast before but tom sharpling came in with mark and i forgot tom was sitting there and then Tom saw me get exasperated and I knew he was going to tell Mark. So I go over to Tom and I go, will you please not tell Mark that I'm upset that he's running the light? Because I did give him permission. I'm just in my own head. And so

I will say that I do allow people to run the light when they ask or they acknowledge it. I don't care. But when you think you're hot shit, and I hope I never get to a place in my career where I think I'm such hot shit that I can treat other people worse and like I'm better than them. Because to this person, you're not better than us. You aren't. And the only thing that makes you feel good is to

do stuff like this because you do feel so so small and you probably should go to therapy is my advice. And that's the podcast for this uh today for this today thank you for being here baby decisions uh rants relationship uh worries wedding appreciation um we will see you tomorrow on the show don't be cut and oh and just go see me on tour chicago september 15th peoria illinois september 16th bunch of other dates at nickiglaser.com john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our

ears on the daily show ears edition podcast join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts