The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #37 It's A "Dealership"

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

First weekend back in St. Louis and between you and Nikki she is feeling friendless. She and Andrew highlight the co'uhls of Eat, Pray, Love and talk about their experience at a local dealership. You Heard it Here First; how to end a conversation without lying, HS yearbook edits that no one asked for and A-Rod's new make up line. It's a Top1Bottom1 teacher's edition that makes Producer Noa hum and Nikki reflect on her emotions on 9/11 in the Final Thought. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more.

Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

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about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeart Radio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki.

Hey, happy Monday. I mean, like, I was gonna... How was your weekend, everyone? Good? Was it good? I missed you. I missed you. I missed friends. I missed having a social life because I don't have one in St. Louis. I did nothing this weekend. Nothing. I got in on Thursday. As you guys heard, we did the podcast from here. And then I continued to see no one, hang out with no one. I mean, Thursday, I had a

no Friday. I had a day, you know, I went out and got my mom a car. We'll talk about it later when Andrew gets here. And then I didn't do anything Friday night, didn't do anything Saturday. And by nothing, I mean, like, I just wasn't social. I didn't like talk to anyone i didn't hang out with anyone i had no events uh to speak of am i feeling sorry for myself a little bit am i annoyed i don't have any friends here very much so am i willing to go make new friends not at all why is that because i don't like i just want i know who i want to be friends with it's friends at first sight for me this is like dating people keep writing me being like, I'll be your friend. And it's like, it's so nice. And I'm sure we would get along. It's too awkward for me to be like, I need friends. And then what if I don't want you as a friend? See, this is why I don't date because I hate

rejecting someone and the person following up and being like, but we were meeting under the assumption that this would go further, you know? And when you're meeting someone, even to be like, hey, we could be friends. We could hang out. I don't cold call friends. Maybe I'll meet someone just in conversation at a dog park or I don't know where the hell I'm going. I don't go to dog parks. I'm just trying to think of where I'd meet a friend, maybe on a plane. And I get to talking with someone just because I'm forced to. And I go, honestly, I need more friends in St. Louis. Do you live in St. Louis? Then I might go, OK, I've scouted this person under the, you know, in a circumstance where we aren't expected to continue this. Now I can be the one in control and say, I want to be friends.

Let's do this. I don't want, Andrew keeps saying like, you could go, you should be more social, go down to the pool, make like, what, what, what? Just go, go to the, okay. We went to the pool on Friday. We have a pool here at my building. And I had no desire to talk to anyone at the pool. Do you guys go to pools and talk to other

people? I mean, unless you're in Las Vegas on a girl's weekend and you're trying to hook up, do you co-mingle at pools with other people? By the way, not sitting on chairs next to you. There's four groups of people and they are all scattered. How do you strike up a convo with another group that has their backs to you and are already enjoying their own company? You don't.

But we go down there and Andrew, I just drop trow immediately because i'm tired i hate the reveal of a bathing suit it's one of the worst things about being a woman is the moment that you're with guy friends or like family who's not supposed to be aroused by your bikini body but then you have to like slowly take off your little shorts there's no way to like do it fast so that it's not like sexual it disgusts me i don't like it so i just immediately like i take off clothes one time i had a stylist who said that i i was doing a fitting so i just tried to like a ton of fucking clothes and he said i take off jeans i take off clothing like a uh a a guy getting his uh a a guy a gay guy getting his first blow job like when he's

finally accepted that he's gay and he's like let's do this and like he wants his pants off immediately he's like you do it so fast like Like, you know, a high schooler, like someone who's kind of fumbling and just like, oh, OK, well, that's how quickly. So I dropped Trow. And then I went over to go stand in the pool. And then Andrew took a picture of me that he posted on our social that said something about instead of hanging out with people, I looked at a helicopter because I felt like I was being what was his caption it

was really like not even what was happening at all which is one of the thing that andrew i don't like him having liberties with our socials because he doesn't ever caption it with the truth he doesn't even capture his own with the truth and it's so okay this is what he said andrew uh andrew says i'm gonna hang over here you go make friends okay did not happen he didn't say that i think andrew thought we were down there to make friends i was just down there to like hang by the pool then it says nikki this is what i said uh based on andrew's caption and it's a picture of me by the way in a bikini looking up at our apartment. Nikki, I'll casually start a conversation with our neighbors.

I didn't say that. I had no intent to do that. I don't even know if these people are our neighbors. I just feel like they just snuck in. Andrew said, great idea. He also didn't say that. Then Nikki, in quote, in parentheses, this is an action. Nikki pretends to look at a helicopter.

I didn't pretend. There was a helicopter. But that wasn't what was happening right then at that moment. Later on, there was a helicopter that was flying to deliver someone who was probably in a terrible car crash to a hospital, which I found interesting because no helicopter is showing up on the roof of a hospital without some crazy shit going down. And I know it's morbid, but there's something about like, oh oh there's some mangled person in that helicopter that piques my interest rather than just seeing a you know a traffic copter so i go andrew there's probably like a dead body in there or like nearly dead which is i know it's very dark and i'm sorry if you've lost anyone to a

traffic accident where it's a very common way to die and i'm terrified of it all the time so i talk about it and then and then it it all the time. So I talk about it. And then it goes to Nikki saying, Andrew, it didn't go well. And then Andrew says, there's always tomorrow. Okay. I didn't try to make friends there. I didn't want to make friends. I will say this. So we hung out by the pool and he's like, it's really hard.

Then we just started like assessing everyone's bodies there, which is I guess what you do as a girl who's trying to have a conversation with a horny guy and i'm trying not to make comments about their bodies because i'm like can we for once not and then andrew's like that girl in the blue swimsuit cute or whatever and i was like i'm bored i'm bored with that body and i go by the way it's like my body that's why i'm bored with it. That girl, she's just six years younger than me and has on a suit that

fits better than mine. So I was probably resenting her. And then we're about to leave. Because I stayed there a really long time, I felt. And we had a good convo. We were just sitting in the pool and it was like a good chill moment.

But I wasn't trying to make friends. And then we then we're getting up to leave and I see a paper airplane on the ground. Now, this pool is in between two of that is in the courtyard. So all the balconies for our hotel, our apartment building, look out onto the pool. Someone had thrown a paper airplane and I saw it and had something written on it, but I couldn't read it. And I added my hands full and I go, Andrew, look. And he goes, oh, and I go. Pick it up and and he picked it up and then I go open it like someone sent a message down.

Can you not connect the dice? Is that what you say connect the dice and then he opens it and it says girl in green bikini on blue towel uh you're the like uh you're so hot and i'd like to it was some some message to i honestly i'm not joking i thought it was gonna be to me I thought I was going to win the bachelorette of the pool I there wasn't even a set this is how fucking narcissistic I am there was many good-looking girls at this pool and by many I mean three and then their friends but there were several good-looking girls at this pool including myself Had a fresh new red bikini looking fine in it. I run once a week.

I wanted to get into my leg routine because someone asked about it. My leg routine is that my dad gave birth. Well, he didn't give birth to me, but he came in my mom and my dad has really, his family has long muscular legs. That's all I fit. And I eat three

meals a day. I don't overeat and I run whenever I feel like it, but it's not to lose weight or to offset the calories I consumed later or before. It's just because I want to run. So that's my trick. If you want to know more, you can always DM me about how, uh i manage my weight um so i really thought this note was gonna be about me i thought for i thought every i thought i thought you know what someone recognized me and as someone on the the balcony went up and and threw it off and they want to get in touch with me and then i that is i had no doubt noah that that was what was happening and that it was to someone it was to another girl so i pick it up and i and andrew just kind of stands there like he's not gonna do anything with it i go well let's give

it to the girl and so i walk over to the girl and i go you won the bachelorette of the pool congratulations and i give her the note and then this was the most annoying part. So then, by the way, the line killed. I heard a couple people repeat it, bachelorette of the pool, as I'm walking away. And I go, congratulations, you're the hottest. And I go, did you hear it? They liked it. Do you hear that? And he goes, no, did you hear her? She said, bachelor in paradise. And I go, what? And he goes, she had a good line. She tagged it. She said that, you know, the hottest girl at the pool who Andrew is ascribing more personality to than she deserves.

Did you hear she tagged it? She said bachelor in paradise. First of all, that's a terrible tag. It doesn't even make any sense because we're at the pool. There's pools on the bachelor too or bachelorette. And by the way, I think I messed up the line because she would have won the bachelor, not the bachelorette. But it just makes more sense to say bachelorette and by the way i i think i messed up the line because she would have won the bachelor not the bachelorette but it just makes more sense to say bachelorette puts us in the setting so bottom line is i didn't make any friends in fact i lost one by um this

morning i was in a bad mood this morning not even a bad. I just didn't want to buy Andrew coffee this morning. I go, I'm going to Starbucks. Do you want anything? And he goes, yeah, I'll take it. Wait, I can go for you and pick it up. Just put the order in. And I go, no, I have time to go. I said the podcast is starting later. You didn't get that. And he goes, no, I thought that was a joke. And I go, no, no, no, it's starting later. And then he goes, all right i'll go i'll go uh with you and he goes i'll take a and i go can you just get your own when we can you can just go inside and get your own he goes what i go just go inside and get your own as i'm putting my order in we're still in an apartment and he's like i go i just don't want to get into the habit of always buying everything it's a little bit cunty of me, I realize, because even though I do buy him Starbucks,

I've probably spent $1,000 on Starbucks for him over the course of our friendship. That always gets a thank you. I bought my mom a car over the weekend, and he made a joke about how he's going to ask for a raise now because he's aware of how much money i make that doesn't mean i'm gonna get your starbucks every time i it's like i don't know why i do this i like i i i yell at people i i i buy them things without any expectation and the second they expect it i admonish them don't know what that is gonna get to it gonna talk about buying my mom a car over the weekend which is a purchase i do not regret um i did order it on the starbucks app and it was available for me when i got there just kidding it wasn't it took forever to buy a fucking car i almost walked out of the place

give me a goddamn break with the car. Car lots are the biggest scam. I roasted these guys so hard. I go, they, I go, my mom goes, what is taking so long? Because it took forever. And I go, it's all the pageantry of, oh, if this man pulls you in this room and then this other man pulls you in this room and then you wait, it's all like, oh, they really got to talk about that. They're going to give you this good deal.

It's all smoke and mirrors. And all these guys are laughing. I go, look at you. You're all criminals. You don't even realize it, but you're you. I go, if any of you are actually good people, you'll burn out of this career pretty quickly because to be a car salesman, you have to be a terrible, terrible person. I go, this guy coming over to me, showing me a sheet. I never, we never show this to anyone. I go, is that written at the top of the sheet to remind you to say to me, I never show this to anyone? They're all like cracking up because they knew.

Car salesmen are not good people. I made some friends there. He might come over and bring me, well, I can't say what he's going to bring me, but a bow to put on my mom's car that I'm going to smoke. Okay, so I did make a friend at the dealership I will say that a friend or a dealership it's not a friendship it's a dealership is what it turned into if anyone at that dealership is listening please know that uh your your employee uh was

nothing but professional I was the one that was unprofessional and forced him to make a deal. All right, let's get Andrew in here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the

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The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Historically, men talk too much. And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here.

If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. With guests like Corinne Steffens. I've never seen so many women protect predatory men. And then me too happened. And then everybody else wanted to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade, and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like,

oh dad, all they was doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And Slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like, I feel the moisture between my legs when a man sends me money. I'm like, oh my God, it's go time. You actually sent it?

Listen to the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025.

I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring, and how to find your purpose. We make it this big pie-in-the-sky thing, and then of course we're all frustrated because no one knows how to get there. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself?

There's a guide for that too. The ability to approach somebody and make them experience desire for you in minutes or even hours is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's How To Season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Good morning morning roomie How'd you sleep? I slept pretty good We watched a good movie last night together

We did? Did we? Eat, Pray, Love Netflix has been recommending me Julia Roberts movies Because I Watched Notting Hill Part of it I watched more of it last night Part of it. I watched part...

Well, I kind of... I watched more of it last night and I still couldn't get through it. Do you think Netflix knows if you watched half a movie and they're like, okay, maybe they should try again? No, they definitely know.

They know... I mean, I went into a meeting with Netflix before my special came out. I can't even talk about what I saw in there. What did you see in there? Talk about the car dealership where they're like, I'm going to show you what I saw in there. What did you see in there? Talk about the car dealership. Where they're like, I'm going to show you something I've never shown you.

They show, if you're on Netflix, they will show you stuff that they don't show other people. Let me just tell you, they know you more than you know yourself. And I know you know that, but you don't know it. Here,

for example, Noah, when you log on to Netflix, it will have all of the movies have all of their like big no i would say most of their movies have um probably five to ten different um uh categories covers you know like when you're looking like like the pictures and they will change it based on what you like so there was this movie that literally has probably a cameo of pete davidson in it and he is on the cover for mine and i go pete davidson's in this movie and i look at the movie he's not even listed in the kaya gerber no it's like him fucking kaya gerber

that's what it is that's what the movie is just click on it it was a movie that he probably was in as much as he was in train wreck like one scene but they think i'm a pete davidson fan because i'll be honest i am on someone else's netflix that is attached to our tv thank you that family they're really worried about their son uh i think their son's name's andrew and it's all kids movies and then nodding hill they're gonna think that kid nodding hill and eat pray love that kid is uh really into hugh grant i mean hugh grant is so cute he had a hell of a run i loved him so much i had the biggest crush on him as a kid those actually had the comeback he had what you would call it the one show was huge last year um the the undoing yes yeah with nicole kidman i never saw it but yeah i heard that um he looked very he always was wrinkly like that's the thing i like about him i don't even the the fun game i

like to play with these movies from 1998 is how old are these actors and they're all younger than me right now like julia roberts in nodding hill i, that movie was 1998. What are we looking at? Julia Roberts. How old is Julia Roberts right now? What do you think Julia Roberts is? I'm guessing she's 52. How old she is today or in that movie? Yeah.

No, no, no. I think she's probably 52 now. I bet she's... She might be... Is she 52? Wait, wait. Let's see. 53.

She is 53. Wow. Okay. She's 5'9". She's married to Danny Motor motor she was also married to liah lovett yeah last night andrew goes so well i'm not gonna do a person so julia roberts maybe isn't she married to that one uh and then he said some role like a pa a pa which by the way a pa is the guy who stalks LaCroix's in the... Yeah, it's a good job. It's a strong... It's a job that... Cooler. Yeah.

And gets people coffee and you know... There's no way Julia Roberts is even talking to PAs. No offense. I would. But no. He was a... I think he was a camera op, which is even weirder that she would talk to...

No, but we get it. You've been on set you get it in these there's romances that abrue because you're just with them all the time so she just saw this guy you know she's probably sick of fucking guys like lyle love it oh my god she fucking was 30 when she made notting hill probably 29 she looks old in that like she doesn't look 20 i mean she does look 29 but like 29 looks like a woman i saw i saw a tiktok video where um you know i learned all my stuff from tiktok which is a blink is blinkus um but it's it people don't know what i know i don't know why you keep saying blinkinkist. It's like this cultural touchstone. Look, some jokes people have to look up.

You've told me this before. You've literally said this. They go, if they don't get the joke, they'll find it. Then they'll realize it's a joke. But that's not a good enough reference to even look up. Well, that's how deep it is. That's a deep cut, boy. The deep cut.

So TikTok. I told you about an app once that literally no one is on. And now you use that app reference, Blinkist, all the time. And I'm just like, people don't know what that is. And then I have to stop down and explain to them that Blinkist is an app that Andrew thinks everyone is on. Like, you know, my mom with ass Jeeves. So I watch this TikTok. If you look at old yearbook of people

or like people in their like late 20s or the guys on Cheers were like in their early 30s and they look literally 75 years old. And then I saw this TikTok where testosterone has gone down 1% in men every year. So it's gone down like 20% in the last 20 years. I don't know. I didn't do any more researched in that yeah but it explains why julia roberts point at the corner of the screen

a text that she wrote over the song that's like and then her dad screams because she scares him is Is that what's... And that's where I learn everything. I don't know. I just... No, but it's interesting. Did actors look older back then? Not maybe because women had more testosterone,

but people looked older for some reason. Well, Eat, Pray, Love really bothered me. Really bothered me. First of all, I love Elizabeth Gilbert. She wrote a book

that I really always think about that my friend gave me called, it's about writing. And it's about the fact that if you don't do those things, those are like energy and they will, they will leave your brain and go into someone else's. Do you know, do you ever hear a movie or a joke or a premise or a, you know, even if you're listening to this podcast and you heard of a, um, like invention,

like on shark tank or something and you go, I thought of that first. The reason it's, it's a lot of people probably thought of it, but that, that idea was energy that like you weren't going to do anything with it, so it just went to find another vessel and it will find its way into the world

if you don't do something with it. And I love that book. Anyway, Elizabeth Gilbert was the one who wrote it. And then it so happens that she is the one from E-Pray Love. I'd never seen E-Pray Love. If you don't know what it is, it's too late.

You should know what it is. So Julia Roberts is in the movie adaptation of it. And it was so julie roberts is in the movie adaptation of it and i it was so good you guys i mean i posted kind of some of the goodness that was happening but like when she is learning italian and the guy teaches her a word and she's like i love that word it's the perfect mixture of sounds and i thought she was gonna bang this guy but it ended up he was banging her friend it was like but that wasn't even a storyline it was like there was a very sexual scene with these two and then all of a sudden the guy is with her friend was anyone else confused by that just me okay then he goes now you teach me a word and she's like okay so this and she holds up wine right like a craft yeah the craft of wine i thought it was going to be carafe. And she goes, therapy.

I hate anyone who talks about alcohol being therapy. If you have a shirt with it on it, I saw a group of women with shirts that were going to probably Vegas for some women's weekend. And they were like, wine is cheaper than a therapy. And I was just like, I just could them so hard it is so good i saw a commercial last night of a seltzer that was promoting that it has antioxidants first hard

seltzer with antioxidants yeah organic i saw that organic michelob seltzer what do we even know what these words mean anymore just do are people that stupid and the answer is yes people are so fucking stupid not you guys listening because you're savvy and you if you were dumb you probably couldn't like enjoy this cut to a guy drinking a while doing power cleans be like yeah this is great freaking yeah i don't know people are really really dumb and that's why i was going to that car dealership was just such a trip because this whole like everything is built around people being stupid and consumers and don't want to be inconsiderate yeah like there's a way that these dealerships they make you feel guilty for questioning them and you know like that's how

i think i think that they're like andrew was sitting there in his phone looking up the value of my mom's car and muttering to himself as i'm signing the sheet being like i'm paying for this car i don't care if i can save 700 because some guy in tulsa put his car up and it has the same specs it's like i don't care and andrew's just going and i'm just going what and he's whispering to my mom about some value and he goes andrew found it cheaper nikki and i go i don't care i don't and then i go to the guys i do the whole thing with the guys i go they go we're only making five four hundred dollars off this car we don't we don't ever usually show this stuff and they went through this whole thing so i just go you know what i'm not trying to i'm not trying to

screw over anyone everyone needs to make money we're in a capitalist society i don't care about paying for things when they're going to support a business okay but i'm just saying though that you you you probably could have offered cheaper there is something that they do though where they go oh you're offering cheaper so therefore you don't have enough money to pay for the actual price of the car like it makes you i went in saying i'll pay a check give you whatever you got i don't care how much it is so is that another way to do it you're like you fill it out i just wanted to get the fuck out of there i know but that's their move that's their move they go oh we gotta talk to a guy in the back. We left for an hour. We left for an hour. Andrew went to get a massage.

I went to Crazy Bulls and Reps to get some food with my mom. We came back. We still had to wait. And I was just eating this bull in their lobby, just roasting these guys. Did you talk about the roast stuff? How people want you to roast them and then you get too mean and then they get sad? Yeah. I said to the guy that was helping us, I go, I'm kind of famous. Could you make a deal with me

if I post about you guys? I have a lot of followers. And he was like, I'll have to ask my manager. I go, I'm not kidding. I'm like legit fame. And he was like, I don't know. And then the word got through the place.

Everyone else knew who I was except our guy. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe he knew and that's his tactic. No, no, no. He didn't know. He didn't know. That guy didn't know. He was a our guy. Yeah. Or maybe he knew and that's his tactic. No, no, no. He didn't know. No, he didn't know.

That guy didn't know. He was a sweet guy. He was my fave out of all of them because they were all, then they all came up and they were, I mean, I liked them all.

They were all very nice but this one guy was like, I'm a big fan of your roast. Will you roast me? And I was like, oh, yeah, sure. And he had Invisalign and I was going to make the joke but you got in it before. I go, I like your Invisalign. And I was going to make the joke, but you got in it before.

I go, I like your Invisalign. And then Andrew goes, I wish they were invisible. And I go, and then I go, he doesn't think you, he doesn't know who you are. I'm just a bully. You're just a guy sitting in a chair being like. Yeah, it's great. Stepping on my lines. It was funny.

And then I said, I didn't know they came in yellow. Yeah, that was a great line. And then everyone was like, whoa. And I was like, that was too mean. And it was true too because they were kind of like.

And then I was like, rescue dog. I go, you need rescue teeth. Your teeth need rescue. Yeah, that was good too. Like we were just double teaming these guys and they, but we're not even as mean as we could be.

Oh my God. I couldn't even come up. I couldn't even, I was trying, every joke i thought it was so mean i would have to then spend more time to like take the edge off and like you know people don't want that they don't want people don't want to be roasted and if you do you're a masochist and there's this there's a subreddit called roast me where people hold up a sign that

says roast me and the people that do it are already depressed and they hate themselves and they're just trying to pile on because sometimes when i'm sad i like to go like i'm ugly and i am stupid and i'm worthless and i like to say that to my friends not for them to talk me out of it but for i just want people to bully me i like want i want to get beat up when i'm depressed there's just something about me like sometimes i want to cut or something yeah i want to get hit by a car like when i'm depressed i'm walking down the street, I want a car to come off the street and hit me.

I have envisioned it. Would you die or just get drilled? I'd probably like get knocked unconscious so I don't have to be depressed. How depressing would that be though? If you were fine, like maybe that would wake you up. Yeah. I probably would anything to just you up or I want to get bit by a dog.

I sometimes want that. So when these people go on Reddit and ask people to roast them, I get so sad because I'm like, these people don't really have the tough skin that they think they do. Wait, why do you want to get bit by a dog? Where do you want to get bit? How hard?

I just think of a dog attacking me when I'm really depressed. It's a weird thought I have, but when I'm really depressed, it's not even... No, I'm not judging it. I just want to punish myself. I just want to inflict as much... just want like to inflict as much,

because you know what it is? I want to be in as much physical pain as I am inside and no one can see how sad I am on the inside. That's the problem with depression is like the reason you kill yourself or like the reason sometimes I would want to have those thoughts is because no one believes how sad you are because look at your life.

You have this going on. You have this, you have, you know, blonde hair. I don't know. People just describe like, why are you sad?

I don't even understand why people are depressed sometimes, you know, you don't get it and you just want a physical manifestation of it. So everyone can go, Oh, and actually believe you. Yeah. Yeah.

Because it doesn't, if you're in a full body cast, people aren't questioning your sadness. Exactly. Or your pain, but otherwise you're, and you know what, even then they're questioning your pain because no one believes people's pain. So when someone in your life is in pain and they say they're in pain, how about today? And this week we just practice believing them no matter what it is. If they have a headache, if they are, you don't go, why do you feel that way? You just go, I'm sorry.

Let's all practice that. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Well, well, maybe you should go do this. No, no, no. Just say, I'm sorry. And give them a fucking hug. Then throw them in front of a car. Then throw them in front of a car so that they have a physical representation of their

pain. Let's get to the dog bites. I'm after the car. Oh, here we go, boy. It's the Monday Watch. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, you heard it here first, Nick.

Here it is. You didn't hear this anywhere else. I hope you're having a great time all this while. Oh, boy. I'm excited. Whoa. Coming in hot i think i was using the energy off the other segment coming in all right all right you don't have to make an excuse oh we were talking about this you don't have to make an excuse when you end a conversation everyone if it's very hard to get

out of conversations you had the phone thing the other day where you go, Oh, your, your phone died. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So essentially you could just say, I have to go and no one has to know why,

by the way, because even if you have to go because the person's boring, still a reason still means I have to go. You're not lying. That's so true. You don't have to go. Why do you have to go? No one says that.

And by the way, if they do, okay, let's do a conversation and I'm bored. Okay. this is every day no this is where you're my um sister okay like let's think of like you know oh my god so poppy poppy's like a i don't know she's been having a little bit of a sick like sickness lately i don't know her nose is running a lot well i wouldn't get out on that note i I would actually be interested in that. Same thing, boring. Poppy's not sick. Poppy's doing great.

Okay. Lauren, I... Actually, I would never... No, no, no. I'll say this. I'd never be bored with my sister. I went to Trader Joe's today and like... Let's say something. I'd never be bored with my sister, honestly.

Okay. Or if I did, I would... Do you actually? I would be. Should I be your mom? Yeah, be my mom. Oh, my mom's always bored with me. This is my mom.

I went to a thrift store yesterday and they didn't have anything that i thought like yeah i gotta go i'm really sorry but i gotta go and i'll we'll finish this conversation later though but i do want to hear the rest of it she would never say that but yes of course say why why i gotta go mom why why are you going i just i have other stuff to do what do you have to do that's more important? Well, you know, I got to send some emails. I got to go for a run. I got to clean my room. I got to fold laundry. But Nick, I can help you do that.

You want me to come over and help you? All I want in my life is for you to be comfortable. And my mom never wants to talk to me. So this is almost like triggering for me because this is the kind of mom I wish that wanted to hang out with me. Wait, your mom hangs up on you? Oh, my mom always hangs up on me.

Well, okay, Nick, I'll let you go. And I go, I literally called you 30 seconds ago. But you're busy, Nick. You're always running around. I don't know when to ever call you. And I go, well, the answer isn't never. I actually am very happy when my mom goes, because my mom, who tends to be on the sad or depressed side,

she'll go, hey, I'm playing cards with the girls. Got to go. Like, right away. And I'm like, oh, my God. So she's okay. She's with the girls. She's playing cards. Yeah.

Shouldn't. But I'm very happy for her. Like, that makes me feel at peace because she's been such a loner in, like, her whole life. That makes you feel good that she's having a good time with the girls. Yeah. Otherwise, you don't need to worry about your mom being lonely that's up to her not you but so these people they think they say that 25 percent of people want shorter conversation and they go this is the way that they go this is a good excuse they go i've loved our conversation let's talk soon so you're kind of saying well that could be a lie if that's a lie that i don't

like it also you have to follow up you can't just say we're gonna have a conversation no these are all lies to me and if that's true that's great but like just i just don't understand why we have to like everything i watch how people react i think so much of it is the reaction that's their fault it has nothing to do with you people's reactions people need to get over the fact that when other people but but i made her feel this way no you didn't she felt that way yeah he made me feel like i was being rude he made me feel like well no he thought you were being rude but it didn't make you feel anything so stop with the made me feels i say it all the time and i have to stop myself because it's just it ain't it ain't true um do you have like a thing well i wanted to share something that someone had written me but i don't know god all my screenshots have

not been saving i'm so annoyed i saved a wart video the other day you're probably up for an upgrade on your phone i know i probably am i just don't going to take too long. I want everything to happen quickly. That's why I won't buy a car for myself. I don't want to go through that again. I just want a car to show up. That's why Carvana is probably the way for me to go. Yeah, you busted your nut on your mom. My mom keeps going,

are you getting a car for yourself? Because my mom is obsessed. And I go, I don't really want a car. I didn't want to buy a car for myself. I'm just driving her jalopy. I like that car for you i mean i i the license plate falling off it's an old lexus like gold the car looks drunk because the license plate is a kimbo the car another day the car should get a dui on its own honestly i

think i should get pulled over i bet i would get pulled over more likely the other day my mom by the way we were sorry getting the next story in a second. My mom and I were driving two crazy bulls and raps from the car dealership and we saw a cop in West County, St. Louis, pulled over a black woman. She's outside the car. Her car is being searched or whatever. She just looks like annoyed as anyone would be with a cop probably needlessly pulling her over. And my mom just goes, of course course they're pulling over a black person. Why did they have to?

And I go, let's drive past and say, pull over a white person. See how it feels. If I was a cop, I would never pull over a black person. Can I say that? I would never. Maybe that's a bad cop move,

but I think it is so cool and so hack to pull, to be a white cop and pull over a black person you must feel like i'm so cliche it would be the same as feeling like if you were like eating a box of donuts in your car as a cop you would just feel like isn't this the most cop that doesn't everyone not want to be a cliche so why pull over black people needlessly even if they were speeding i would just let it fucking go. Is that crazy? I mean...

I want to become a cop just so I never pull over a black person, literally ever. But the only thing, the only counter I would have of that is going, well, then you're... How do I put this? I'm racially profiling the other way.

And I'm letting maybe some crimes happen by black people, not that any black person that i don't you know turn a blind eye to is doing something wrong but yes i i think much like uh affirmative action where we give people of different races that have been you know discriminated against so what if you don't pull over a black person that's clearly hammered and you go out there black they're drunk driving they'll get home and then they kill someone then they kill someone then how do you feel as a cop well first of all i would if if they're driving all clearly drunk yeah fine but if they're speeding a little bit like every

other soccer mom driving a crv in west county then i'm gonna let him go i just think it's i'm with you on that like such a fucking loser to be a cop pulling over a black person, a white cop. I would just feel like, what a hack. It'd be like me being like, ugh. Any minor infraction shouldn't be pulled over because you're just escalating.

It's almost like they want things to escalate and then they go, ooh, I did this today. I'm a bad boy. I figured it. You know what I mean? And then we pull up to Crazy Bulls Reps and there's a black girl at the drive-thru and she has on a jacket that says uh fuck trump or something like that my mom

goes love it and i go most people are not gonna love it that girl is brave and i go i hope she doesn't get pulled over because i'm sure she would probably try to take off her jacket because though she didn't want to piss off the white cop and the white cop would think she was grabbing a gun or it would just like you know know, next story. Okay. So you end that conversation. Is the conversation over about that? Yeah, I'm bored. I'm bored with myself.

We can, we can, we'll get back to it later. No, no, no, let's be honest and say we're not getting back to it because I'm tiptoeing around tricky territory, even though I think, and I know I'm right. We get to the bottom of things. All right. So next story. Here we go, folks. Having swells

okay a high school is off oh man you're gonna like this story and out a high school high school is offering outraged parents refunds after clums clumsily photoshopping 80 female students yearbook photos to make them look more covered up so girls were showing their cleavage a little bit look at these cover-ups. A straight line. Oh, my God. That looks like a tank top from 2002. So 80 girls. The tank top every girl wore under her shirt.

So instead of being like, hey, change your top or whatever, they just literally Photoshopped them of covering up their tits. What a weird job whoever's doing this, by the way, of being like, too much tits. I'm going to cover it. Like, what a creep that guy is for figuring out who has too many tits. What are we going to do? Who is this protecting?

Who is this? I mean, honestly, who is this for? It makes girls that develop their tits feel uncomfortable, too. It's like. And that girls, they're not even like, these pictures are not gratuitous at all apparently there's guys with speedos in the same yearbook no all cock showing nothing no cover up i mean is this like a christian school is this some lame it's in florida it's called the private school i'm sure i think it might be it didn't say if it was private or not but the thing is is that the girls did dress

according to the dress code of the school. Right. And there's a quote over there. One of the girls, she's like, this made me feel, the fact that they edited it, it made me feel so sexualized. Yes.

Because she was so confident and excited about going to school in her outfit and taking the picture. This is all to protect men i remember we couldn't wear tank tops in middle school because it was distracting to the boys could you wear skirts four inches above the knee or whatever and that was not a thing tank tops were the issue because it was distracting to boys or you know we couldn't like we wouldn't even address maybe lesbians it was a it was maybe you know distracting as well, we couldn't like we wouldn't even address maybe lesbians. It was it was maybe, you know, distracting as well.

But you couldn't pay attention in class. That's what they were. The boys couldn't pay attention in class if there was girls wearing tank tops. I mean, that was a legitimate thing that got announced and banned at our school. And that was the reason it was given in 1997 or whatever that was. It's so ridiculous. And the idea that women's nipples or breasts are a problem like i was walking down the street yesterday and i was like i should be able to

walk down the street topless hell yeah fuck all of this like the free the nipple thing i understand like it and by the way i like wearing. They make my boobs feel secure. Otherwise they're swinging everywhere and they get sweaty and I just feel baggy and like weird. But I, I told this story. Remember when I was on set and my, my nipples were like a hard and like everyone could see them. And then the whole set stopped down because it was like,

Nikki, your nipples are hard. It was just like, so, so what? Yeah. Jennifer Aniston was hard the entire first through fifth season of Friends.

And that's what she's known for, by the way, which shouldn't be. Everyone, I reference it all the time too, but what? They feel like they're doing you a favor by saying your nipple. I'm not, I'm not everyone on that set was like well intentioned for sure. But the thing is,

it was the reason why nipples like I don't like to show cleavage. I never show cleavage. And if I do, it is like because I'm dressed up for an event and I try to stay out of the eyeline of my guy friends. I don't like to like dress sexy around men who I'm not trying to seduce. So I never understand women who have cleavage out

and this is me being very supportive of women doing whatever you want with your bodies. I don't like turning on men around me accidentally. But do you think that comes back to your thing about the tank top? But that's what's probably bred in me is from like hearing that your body is a distraction

to men and they can't take you seriously has embedded itself in my head. But isn't it true though? Like when I'm wearing something sexy or like have a lot of skin showing, is it a little bit harder for you to take me seriously and like talk to me as a friend? Can I be honest? Yes. No, because I know you so well. Right.

Okay. It depends. If you're working with someone and they're showing some skin, I don't think it's that big of a deal. But if it's a random person, then yeah, I think it definitely can fuck with a guy. He'll definitely... But you know what? It could fuck with him to your favor.

I don't... You know what I mean? And I know you don't want to win that way but a lot of women they win because they show a little cleat like like you said when you like seeing guys at strip clubs because they're so dumb you throw you throw your cleavage out and you sell a car to a guy a tesla he's more likely to maybe go hey i'll spend an extra 20 grand because he's stupid. I know. And I don't like to win that way. And so I think that's why I don't like to do that stuff is because when people are like,

Nick, you look so sexy at the thing, I'm always like, I didn't dress sexy because I was talking about the other day, sexiness takes away from funny. You can't be funny. You can be both those things. But I think you can. I think you can.

I think that's like a misconception. No, but men get horny. your body is not in the right um mindset to laugh at jokes and be more cerebral which is what comedy is it takes you out of that cerebral i'm gonna make smart decisions i'm gonna you know understand irony it it makes you in your dumb caveman i want to like come on that head, which is not as like when you're horny, do you laugh as much? Probably not.

I don't know. I've laughed at a lot of strippers riding my cock, but no, when you get horny backstage, sometimes at shows like back in the day when you used to get, you get zoned in. You were not fun to be around. You were not giggly as much. You were just like a horny.

And my thing though, is that I think a woman can dress um sexy with skin out and all that stuff and a guy will not really think of sex that much if it's like a professional while being sexy there's a difference between that and a woman like wearing like a thong bikini and then trying to tell one liners. I get that. There's a line between how sexy, like, you know, where a woman's like dressed to fuck.

Okay. Well, let me, let me ask you this. If you go to a smoothie place and the girl behind the counter has gigantic boobs and they are out, are you not going to talk about her boobs with your guy friend as soon as you leave the place?

I'm sure we will that is what bothers me i don't want to be talked about behind my back to buy two dudes and i don't also shirtless guy with a ripped body you talk about that with your girlfriend but why would a shirtless guy be selling smoothies okay what if you okay he had big arms and he had he was wearing a t-shirt where his arms were like amazing okay maybe we'd comment on it but i'm not saying it's a bad thing either way though when you wear like sometimes you wear low-cut things and you have like some skin showing do you ever catch men looking at your boobs and then they are kind of distracted it makes me so uncomfortable if that happens okay men don't look at my boobs because they

barely exist but i do have another feature on my body that i catch guys looking at but is that your my tuchus oh okay so how do you catch guys looking at your tuchus though huh how do you catch guys looking at your tuchus because it's behind you it's not like not in your eye line right like like if i turn around or something like really quick and they'll be like and they're like and then they you slip on the drool on the in front of them look yeah i have to say nikki i i know what you're talking about i hate being sexualized but i i am envious of girls who have that like natural sexiness and they could just get things done with it. Yep. I know a lot of them.

Yeah. And they harness it and they use it. But then. I think you've been more comfortable with that since came in. And just being like, okay, yeah, I want to look good. You could say whatever. Because I know other female comics have said stuff to you in the past where it's like, you shouldn't lead with your body or your good looks. Fuck that.

Seriously. I honestly think like. I agree. It all depends on your environment, too. If you're in a caveman, you're always in a bikini. It's not even about skin anymore. That's who you are. That's your environment.

Yes. When you're in New York and you're even wearing sandals on stage, people are like, ooh. Well, I'm about to do, present at the iHeartRadio Awards this Thursday. And I was talking to my stylist about what do I want to wear? And they said, why don't we do a suit look because you've been wearing a lot of mini,

you did a lot of mini skirts for the MTV thing. And I was like, yeah, maybe, but I never feel sexy in a suit i'm a single woman i do want to get people's attention it's a big platform i am fucking horny as fuck i want to be sexualized uh when i'm like on that big of a platform because i want to find a husband and i want to find someone who deserves to bang me and and I want to put that in people's, you know, and it's an excuse to do. You're on a red carpet. This is a big platform. And you don't need to be funny that day.

And the thing is, my legs, I do. I'm going to be funny, but my legs are my best feature right now. Like, I just like them. It's the first time I've ever liked my legs. I always thought they were like fat and too muscular, and now I'm like, oh, they're actually good, and I'm not, it's not like I like think they're sexy i'm just like there's nothing to be shamed of anymore that's the way i feel about them and so i said to them i go i didn't i wrote this and i erased it but i was like i'm down to try a suit but like also i'm never i'm not gonna have these legs forever so why not flaunt them as long as you have them you know and so but the thing, I'm so worried about certain someone. Yeah, I know.

Who's been watching my stories recently. Okay. Or a certain other someone who's also been watching my stories saying to me, you always look, all you do, and then screenshotting something and then sending it to her friends and to other people being like, Nikki thinks she's so hot. All she does is like, she's just trying to other people being like nikki thinks she's so hot all she does is like she's just trying to get people to think she's hot fuck them i know but the thing is i am because i'm single as fuck bitch okay good so lean into it then and say you know

what this is at least you're if you're honest about it to yourself as well who who gives a fuck this is what you want like this is who you like you know what i mean like yeah like all that shit too is projection on their part too and they're mad at their own when i'm talking to a guy who doesn't know that i like him but i do like him and i've decided to like like i was saying with noah making friends how like i get to decide when i want us to be friends i get to decide when I want to pursue you romantically. You don't pursue me. I love when a guy that has no idea that I'm into them,

I can start dressing sexy and I catch them looking at me in sexual ways. That is very exciting. But when it's a guy that I don't want that energy from, it's so gross. It'd be great if like there was like a dress that you could like hit a button and it just gets real hot. And then you hit a button again, and then it's completely not sexual at all.

It's like a force field to get away from creepy men. Talking about sexy, you got your midriff hanging out. It's not hot. I'm getting to that age where no matter how much I work out, I have this thing. No. What do you mean, what thing? A stomach? Guys get this fat.

Every guy knows it's around the hips. And when you get a little older, it just... Welcome to a woman's body. I mean, honestly, women have that kind of, it's just fat. Yeah, I'm fine with it. It's cool. Yeah, that's not. I went hiking yesterday.

I did exercise. Oh, yeah. We didn't even talk about your fucking weekend. Oh, my God. I want to talk about a ledge. I really want to talk about people that go to the ledge. We'll get to it. Final thought.

But why do I care? Here we go. Why do you care about this? Okay. Alex Rodriguez, who recently got broken up with, launches a makeup line for men. He did it actually with J-Lo, him and hers. Oh, that poor guy that signed that contract

when he was so into J-Lo. And she was like, I think this is a good idea. And now they're broken up and he has to actually go through with it and fucking tout this makeup line. Look at him. I think he is so adorable i i used to watch videos he there's a picture of him putting on some makeup which by the way men should wear makeup it's ridiculous you don't if you have a really rockin zit don't wear it on a

first date because if i saw a guy wearing you guys don't know how to apply it so you're gonna be like me in eighth grade and put on way too much and everyone's gonna know you're wearing it so get your girl let me apply it on you when we're in a relationship but i have no qualms about that you'll look better but when does it end at blush i mean guys would look better with mascara blush everything they don't realize a rod is like the next line is lipstick and people are like wait a rod what's going are you but he named it something like the power home run the home run blush you know like something really manly things you agree to this is like a that's so true though they he agreed to it it was her probably idea he's like yeah i'll do that i think it's very masculine for you to do a makeup line you know who doesn't wear makeup ben affleck on his back because it's too much yeah you can't

cover that shit up oh my god they're hanging out again did you see that i i care about that i care about all of this i love a rekindling of a romance so when i was in high school i'd get real red around my nose and my chin and i wore my mom gave me concealer but i wasn't good at putting it was like liquid concealer yeah and by the end of the day I was like everyone can see this but no one ever commented on it so maybe people don't because they don't expect it right you know what I mean like I don't know I felt okay wearing makeup one time who uh was a writer on one of my shows in the first day of work he came in and I was like he has makeup on and I was like that was a bad choice because again he doesn't know how to wear it but I I liked the fact that he did it because guys have zits and stuff.

Where did he put it on? I think it was like he had some zits or something and he was trying to cover it up. First day of work, it made sense. It was very cute. It very much endeared him to me. But I think men should wear makeup. I'm all for it. But this is a very embarrassing thing that he has to do on the heels of a breakup where his ex is hanging out with like...

Is this why she broke up with him she's like look you're you're i'm walking all over it was a test she goes let's do it let's do it she was like i'll tell you what a blemish is this relationship you know what i do love them though and i think he's really cute and i am available for for him even though he probably wouldn't go for me i'm not his type but like i think he is a really really in that relationship i thought he was just so sweet. But you don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Maybe he cheated on her, but I'm cool with guys sleeping with other women.

Not sleeping with, just don't give me any diseases. I want to hear about it, though. You just put a blemish, put a little blur on top of your pussy. Yeah, that's what I do. I just put a little concealer over the fact that they get blowjobs from other women. And then, yeah. Okay, let's get to top one, bottom one. Every Monday, we list the top one and the bottom one from a different category.

This week's category is... Noah? Teachers. Top one, bottom one teachers over the weekend i posted on my socials a clip from my um mtv hosting thing and i did a i was you know they had the zoom audience all those little squares of people and i said i felt like a teacher during the pandemic and i said except that i get paid a living wage uh did people write you about that? No, it was in support of teachers

because I... It is, yeah. Teachers are the most... It's the most thankless profession even though we all think that we thank teachers enough. You don't. And parents,

knowing a lot of people who are teachers, parents are terrible nowadays. It used to be that parents would go, well, your teacher gave you homework. You got to do it. Now parents call teachers and go, why did you give my kids so much homework? Every parent is persecuted by teachers

and their child is so special and a shining star. Oh my God. And the teacher is giving them too much work. And if a student gets a bad grade, it's the teacher's fault, not the student anymore. And any teacher listening will you not along with me right now if your biggest headache is not the students but the parents and any parents listening will you lay off the goddamn teachers will you just

admit to yourself that your kid might be a fuck up and might not be the brightest student and then it's kind of on them. Did your parents ever talk to, because I remember like in sports, but sometimes teachers are terrible, which we're going to get to, but there were some like, there were parents that would talk to the coaches like after the game, they'd be like,

why are you not playing Johnny enough? Johnny could be the best. It's all them. And then Johnny might start because Johnny's parents gave money to the school. But my parents never, and I would always be like, why doesn't my dad fucking beat the shit out of the coach? Well, we money to the school. But my parents never, and I would always be like,

why doesn't my dad fucking beat the shit out of the coach? Well, we went to public school, so we were all given money to the school, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. A little bit.

A very little amount of money. Well, we should give more. No, private school, we were all given a lot of money to the school. I know, I'm saying, in public school, we were all giving money too,

but equally. Oh, I get it. I get it. I got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no one's word meant more than the others although my dad did call mr zoth mr zoth was our drama teacher in seventh grade and i wanted to audition so bad because i wanted to be on stage and i wanted to be famous because i

had already like set like in like i was like i'm gonna be jennifer haston i just don't know how i'm gonna do it but i had so much hard nipples yeah that's i mean i did it dad daddy look my nip nips are oh god i'm disgusting you see me now mr zoth so my dad did call mr zoth because i was too nervous to audition in front of other kids and there was audition for to kill a mockingbird and i was i used to have to go in you know like when we had class presentations i would shake so badly and um not be able to function talking for the class that i would have to like do it at recess because i was so i had stage fright was just obviously ironic given what i do now but um i wanted to audition for the place so bad but i went to the audition and then i realized you have to audition in front of everyone

like you had to get up on stage in front of all the students auditioning i just couldn't do it so my dad called mr zoth and was like my daughter's too nervous but she really wants to be in the play and he gave me the understudy role for the lead based on nothing but just because i was nervous and then because i got the understudy role i was at the play practices got the experience of going up in front and had a little bit of confidence and then i got to perform on the the sunday um show of the weekend of shows the sunday one was for the understudies um because they all all the leads got mysteriously poisoned by my dad's chocolate company no um uh the mockingbird die no yeah yeah we killed we killed a couple mockingbirds and uh wait how

can i can you give an honest critique the understudy show versus the overstudy show yeah how much worse was it um i made people cry because of my performance fuck yeah because it's so bad and they missed the lead so much no no i did i made miss dr holly our principal cry and he was like it was like one of those moments where afterwards people were like this is your calling and i don't think i was that good because i was never really good at drama but i think um no but that's a big catalyst in your life now looking back my dad making a call behind the scenes not no but now parents now parents are all gonna call the teacher it wasn't it wasn't mr's oath why would you hold these things and give my daughter this why would you embarrass her it was my daughter's

really scared wouldn't you mind if she privately auditioned he goes she doesn't need to do that she can just be the understudy and that like got me into it so i do thank my dad for that even though i cried because i was so embarrassed he did that on like you know and um and yeah so let me just recite one of my favorite lines from the play calpurnia what's rape well rape is carnal knowledge of a female by force that's all i remember when holly cried yeah that's what dr holly cried well i just remember always knowing rape is carnal knowledge of a female by force, which carnal knowledge. That's just another way of saying sex. Oh, yeah. Carnal meaning like carnivorous.

I don't know. Oh, carnal, not cardinal. You think that rape is cardinal knowledge? Well, Mocky Bird's in this story, too. I thought it was a bunch of birds. That's a good point. All right. Top one, bottom one.

Andrew, kick us off. What do you want, bottom or top? Worst teacher. My worst teacher, Mr. Mugford, go fuck yourself. I think I talked about him before. He drew the circle on the wall and made the Jew put his nose in it. And the Jew was me in front of the whole class. He said he would say Jewish jokes all the time.

But here's the thing. I secretly, I think, liked the attention, too. Like, it wasn't as clear cut. Because I think I was laughing, too. Like, I wasn't like a sad Jew. Like, it wasn't like, oh, poor me. I was like, ha, ha, ha. But looking back, I mean, insanely anti-Semitic.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was just absurd. Absurd. Absurd. So sad. Yeah. So, but yeah, he had nice arms but was that the did was

he a dick other than that because you felt special in that moment like not that you should have but you did like did you hate him at the time or only looking back no i think i think at the time i wasn't as i think looking back more i'm like oh my god that guy was really off like by doing these things but at the time i think i kind of laughed at it to protect myself. Noah, what was your worst teacher? My worst teacher was a math teacher. Her name was Mrs. Finkelstein. Oh my God, that sounds so like you out of a children's book.

Okay. She was just so mean. But the thing that always distracted me in class is that when she would get angry, she would start scolding the student or whatever, and then her voice would get really deep at the end. So it was like, you have to do the math equation right now. Whoa. Whoa, look at this impressionist.

Whoa. Who's been the understudy this whole time? What grade was this? Did your dad call and get you? Who is this person? Noah. Whoa. This was like sixth or seventh grade.

What other voices can you do? Did she yell at you? That and Toni Braxton. Wait, what? It's kind of the same voice. Wait, Toni. You can do a Toni Braxton? I can yell really low.

That's what I meant. Oh, I didn't know Toni Braxton was low. Oh, do a Tony Braxton? I think it was really low. That's what I meant. Oh, I didn't know Tony Braxton was low. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she sang really low. Unbreak my heart. Is that her? Yeah, yeah.

Say you love me again. Oh, I love that song. Undo this hurt. You cough when you walk. Wait, the guy's coughing when he walked out the door. I think it was Carno. A call.

Wait, what? Oh, call? I think it hurt to cough. Wait, the guy's coughing when he walked out the door. I think it's Cardinal. A call. Wait, what? Oh, call? I think it hurt to cough. Wait, look at the lyrics while we do that. I think he sneezed. I really always picture that guy going and then she's like, wait, is he leaving? COVID. I want a divorce.

My worst teacher was Madam Hood. That was her name. Madam hood why would she a madame like i don't understand this uh french oh so but we called her mimi hood because madame like the the missus in french is mme because it's madame and so we called mimi hood and she was so mean and so scary and you could never do and you were she was just mean and so scary. And you could never do. She was just terrifying. Like really scary.

Really just judgmental. Do you remember like a specific thing? Yes. Freshman year, I came into French too, not knowing like the of French. The le and la. I didn't know. I just didn't learn that in seventh and eighth grade French.

And she goes, you don't know le and la I didn't know I just didn't learn that in eighth seventh and eighth grade French and she goes you don't know le and la I came in during my free period to go get tutored by her and she was like you what the heck she was so just she was the disgust and the one time I the one time I was so excited I read a note recently that Kirsten sent me because Kirsten has all the notes saved from high school that I wrote her. So one of the notes said, Mimi Hood, I'm so excited because Mimi Hood finally said something nice to me. She wrote on my test, pa mal, which is not bad. And I was elated. And I have to say, I've said this before. I think, well, I don't think I've said it on the podcast.

She was so scared. I can't even say this part. It's, well, I don't think I've said it on the podcast. She was so scared. I can't even say this part. It's just too, it's too bad. We were so scared of her and didn't like her so much. Did you kill her cat or something? She was pregnant.

Okay. And one day she pulled down the projection screen. Like she was pulling it down and the whole thing fell and like on her head and like hit her. You wanted it. And she was like freaked out and had to run out of the classroom and was like,

she was probably like seven, eight months pregnant at this point. And it might have hit her stomach. And she was like, oh God. And she was like so scared. And she ran out and we were all like happy. And I really hate saying that. Her baby was fine. She was fine. But that's how much we hated her i really hated her and i'm sure she's somewhere and she was going through a really rough time and i

hope she's in a better place but yeah top teacher look that look she deserved it we used to call her to daughter petite diablo little devil we didn't even learn that word from her we just came up we looked it up in the dictionary so we could just talk shit about her daughter to her face when someone's like a dick in french it's so much more dicky because they have they have such arrogant it's such an arrogant like language it just sounds arrogant like it sounds like you're mimicking someone doesn't it when you speak french a mean teacher like what happened to you something terrible probably happened to her i actually became a french teacher mimi hood uh if you're out there

i've actually looked it up recently to be like where else did that bitch go and uh god she still feels me the fact that she might hear this i'm fucking nervous i'm sweating right now because i'm still so scared of that woman who was a very tiny woman that could not hurt me as you know but i really wish her the best out there i want to project kindness and love to her and i'm gonna forgive myself for feeling such disdain for her but i'm still scared. Not me. I hope another map falls on her. No, no. Yeah, a map fall on your head. Dead baby. No. Yeah, dead baby. I mean, her daughter that got hit by the map

is probably in college, graduating. Oh, did you get hit by a globe? Someone who works at iHeart is going to cancel this podcast, her daughter. Look, you win some, you lose some. All right, so my favorite teacher, Mr mr gordon if you're out there thank you uh for being a cool guy it was the first time like a t i don't know why i'm like reading it like i wrote it was the first time a teacher had like told me that i had like he could see something in me that i couldn't see in myself

and it was the first time a teacher ever been like, no, if you just apply yourself, Andrew, I really do think you're very smart. Aw, that means so much. He coached basketball, and I think I listened. He coached our basketball team. So I think I was like, wow, you're so good, just so I could play more in basketball.

I think that was my end goal. You described him more importance at the time to him. Because I just wanted to play more on the team because I wasn't getting as much playing time. It's like when I talk about when you ask someone for a favor that you could do yourself, you end up liking them more. Because, or no,

if I asked you to hand me a cup that I could grab and you do it, you don't want to be a little bitch. So you in your mind convince yourself you like me more than you do because that's why you did it. You like me. So you,

uh, like you liking that teacher, pretending to like the teacher so that you would get a better spot on the basketball team actually made you like him more. That makes sense. And he really did. He really did. Like he,

he, he, he would, whatever, like before a test, you'd bring me in and like do one-on-ones and tell me how cute I was. No. And just the way that he taught me to suck his dick really gave me the confidence later on in life to pursue comedy and to suck dick on stage for many years until I was a dog walker and I met Nikki.

Who then made me suck her dick. Okay. So, yeah, it all comes full ab circles. Noah, who was your favorite teacher? So my favorite teacher was my third grade teacher, Miss Kezak. And I liked her because... Would her voice get high at the end? No, no, no. Kezak.

Put the eraser away. So I loved her because English english wait wait noah we have to isolate the cute noise of like that was the i'm bored of this conversation i have to go of noises you go i did that play it back what time was this really cute you gotta figure this out you gotta everyone heard it it was so cute it was just like oh my god i'm like trying to no don't be embarrassed it was really cute it was just so dismissive of andrew's like joke that it was it was perfect it was we need to isolate that sound so we can put it in after just a bomb of a joke that was rich okay i'll look for it in post okay well what did miss keys act do so i really loved her because in third grade i was starting public school and it was

you know um english was my second language and um obviously she was she she was very good about like encouraging me and making me feel smart so so i feel like first year in public school could have been like make or break hell you just got lucky yeah and my first year learning english in second grade i don't even remember it because it was so traumatic so like she she flipped that um and then you know just like made me more comfortable and confident do you remember like why was she just like sweet to you and like understanding was there something she said that made you feel like less you know bad like was there anything that we could like shake from this of how to talk to kids that are struggling? I think that just like trying to like answer a question in class, like, you know, in front of all the students and stuff, not not having English as my first language. Just the way she approached it was very like accepting.

And she didn't like I never felt like on the spot or anything like that. Oh, I love her. I hope no maps I love her. I hope no maps fall on her. But she never knows where you came from. I'm just kidding. I don't even, I'm just trying to connect it to. That sounded like, who was the first teacher?

Mr. Mugford. Yeah, that was a Mr. Mugford line. My favorite teacher, ironically enough, was Madame Kalfas. A different French teacher? Yes. French was not a subject that I excelled at, but I kept with it because I just wanted to be around Madame Kalfas, who I would see sometimes

around the French department when I would have Mrs. Hood, Madame Hood. And then i finally got madame kalfas's class and i went i went on to ap french which i had no business being and i got a two on the exam which is terrible out of five um i wasn't good but she just like understood that i was a well years later i my sister now works in the language department at kirkwood high school with madame kalfas my sister's a spanish teacher at kirkwood which is where i went to school

senora green yeah and she works with madame calvis can attest to the fact that my instincts are right she's the most amazing woman madame calvis is she i wrote to her years after i graduated telling her thank you because i was took some Adderall or something. There was Louisa Lange, a hilarious comedian, had a post the other day. It was her writing a Facebook message to a teacher she had in fourth grade thanking him for being such a good teacher. And she was like, when I'm on Adderall,

and she's like, dear Mr. Whenever I would pop like a pill to study a lot in college i would always end up having so much gratitude but anyway so i wrote to her and she said i'll never forget you um whenever i whenever september 11th rolls around i always think of you because you were in my second hour class and it happened during our first hour class in which in first hour class another teacher who was okay to me but not great i'll never forget where i go he dr holly made the announcement world trade center been hit and i go what's the world trade center she goes you don't know what the world trade center is i was just like

no she was ap english i just did not understand what the world trade center was your teachers did not like when you didn't know something. She was shaken up by a terrorist attack that I didn't understand the gravity of because I didn't know what the World Trade Center was. Then I went over to Ms. Kalfas, Madam Kalfas' class, and she said, I'll never forget how upset you were about it and how you were such a sensitive. You were so sensitive.

You were so emotional and so sensitive. And it was the first time I'd ever heard that about myself. And I think that that was just something I needed. You needed 9-11? Is that what you're saying? No, I just needed. Jesus. It was nice.

I understand why I liked her because she acknowledged how sensitive I was and no one else in my life ever did. No, I get that. None of my family didn't acknowledge. Like I've just more sensitive than any person I know. And, you know, much like comedians, I can't, I don't take any criticism well about myself, but I can dole it out.

Like I was just an extremely sensitive girl and it just made me feel so seen later on in life to be like this woman. That's why I loved her so much there's a picture of me in my yearbook writing on her dry erase board during my free period I just go hang out in her room and I was writing J apostrophe heart

which is J'adore in French Madame I was like gay for her I was literally old was she and she looks like Chrissy Turlington she was probably in her 30s she's not like hot she's just like the most i mean she's beautiful but she's just like the most lovely woman like especially compared to hood i just wanted her as my mother no offense to my mom because i lucked out and obviously i got the best mom ever but i wanted that like gentle person that would just go oh povra she'd go povra kiki twee because my french

fake name was kiki twee which i just thought because we all get to make french names and she'd say poor nikki she would always like hug me and say oh my god she just understood that i was like very emotional and then i she went away because she had complications during her pregnancy so she had to be bedridden for our whole almost our whole senior year. So as an AP French with a different teacher. Two maps fall on her? So then a globe

one of the classrooms So final thought But there is something to this. It has to be genuine but when you. Like when... And I don't... It has to be genuine. But when you see something in someone and they don't see it in themselves or you feel like, say it to them.

Yeah. Because there seems to... Because we're very similar in this way. Because I think... You're sensitive too. I'm very sensitive. And my parents never commented on something like that might be underlying with me. And I think it was probably the same way.

So when these teachers were like, actually, you are very intelligent. Actually, you are this sensitive person. I acknowledge your pain. You are. Well, that goes back to the first thing about getting hit with a car because no one really realizes your pain

because you're doing so well in your career. Everything looks great on the surface. And when you do cry, it's like, I was very, very impacted by September 11th. People always go like, you know, what led to your eating disorder and all of your depression? And it was literally September 11th was like,

I can, my life was pre 9-11 and post 9-11. But why though? Why did it hit you so hard do you think just because the amount of fatalities and just like the devastation and just like it was because it was september 11th it's fucking how do you ask why no because it didn't hit me and i'm i'm being honest like it didn't but yeah i was gonna say probably from like all the suffering that you saw it was just yeah it was so sad and i wasn't allowed to feel it because i didn't live in new york it was removed and so when i was really upset about it it was like what are you crying about yes you don't you're not even there so

that's how it was met and then a month later my uh a person who i never was friends with in front of my family who i only knew through school and outside of school where my parents weren't around, killed himself. And then I was crying about that. And they go, you didn't even know this kid. Why are you crying? So it's just a constant. Yeah. And even now I talk about, you know, what led to me having all those problems.

And I go, it was September 11th. And people go, were you there? And I'm like, no, I was in fucking St. Louis in the safety of my school. But I was just so it was so fucked up that I couldn't, that was, it was everything was before and after that. That's why everything in my life, when like anything around that time,

I go, oh, I saw Notting Hill before 9-11. Like my life is split in half. Interesting. I was just a different person. No, yeah, I'm not quite, I'm not like judge. I'm just, I'm just wondering like. And I'm just so grateful that someone was able to witness it and go.

I always think of you on September 11th because you were the most moved by it in our second hour class when we were watching this the towers fall like I was the one in class that she stood out to her as like and I don't remember. I wasn't sobbing. I was just it's just so nice when someone like you said when someone can see something in you that you that you didn't think anyone saw. It goes, you know what? I acknowledge that you process this in a different way than I saw anyone else process it.

You are okay to feel that way. You weren't wrong. It was like, it was a real thing. You weren't trying to get attention because I didn't get any fucking attention. That's what led me to get an eating disorder. So someone could go, Hey, are you okay? You're disappearing. And then finally I could be like,

yeah. Then at that point you go, no, I'm fine. Don't look, don't, I don't want any attention. And then you can't stop not eating.

And then everyone, then, then actually no one gets involved until the state gets involved in the, uh, pry you from your mom's hands that are trying to keep you so that you can die in her custody um not eating hill not he i have no resentments um yeah man i i look i i i sometimes i get jealous at people that can when something's outside of them like you know it's

weird like the world is fucked up there's so many fucked up things in this world and if you start taking in one I think I guess maybe a lot of people's fear is like if you really take in let it in then you realize there are millions of children starving to death in Yemen right now like if you actually think about that number and see the pictures of starving children how are you going to get through your day and the answer is you don't so you have that when when I quit Zoloft and like the emotions flooded in and I started doing therapy and the suffering of animals entered into my mind and I really saw what was going on I was so depressed I could not handle. I had to get on something to shut those feelings off because people who were empaths, I hate when people describe themselves

that way. But, you know, our friend Bill the other day was like, he feels people's emotions. Like he was like, I don't know what happens, but I will always start crying before someone starts crying. It's almost like he knows it's coming and like can feel it. And I go do you live like that always feeling everyone's pain he goes but it's not just pain like i feel people's happiness so like i'm not always sad i i'm also feel happiness sometimes because i feel it was just very interesting and i think dogs knowing a thunderstorm's coming yes or i go is it that you're predicting someone's crying or is that your crying makes them cry like you're able because i went to a therapist who's supposed to mirror the feelings i'm supposed to have so she would start crying before me when i would be telling us like someone that like yeah because dr drew told me that i

don't feel my feelings and so i have to have someone show me that it's okay and that's why when i want to cry i text my friends is it okay to cry about this and the second they go yes i would cry about that a fucking storm comes out of my face but not until then it's also the reason why i can't i told this to my psychiatrist the other day i go i can't cry until someone gives me permission and i can't come until someone gives me permission he was like huh and i was like please follow up so i don't think you're turned on right now like whenever i talk about sex with a male therapist i always get worried they're gonna get turned on were your nipples hardened so i always go but i hadn't shaved my bush yet

and i farted on it i always have to like add something you're like a rod describing his makeup line like it has to be like manly or like something else to make you feel better all right well we really got into it today we have so much more to talk about uh over the week i hope you'll be there with us, besties. Thank you so much for listening. Hope you had a good weekend. Keep leaving voice numbers for the show. We're going to get into your listener mail on Thursday,

as we always do. Tomorrow, we will do a Reddit dump, and we'll get into Andrew's weekend, which I haven't heard about at all. He was gone all weekend, and I want to hear about him hiking and doing all these things that are of no interest to me, but I want to hear how you experienced that. And review.

Review the pod. Did you say that? And review the pod? Oh, yeah. Rate and review the pod on Apple. It really means a lot to us. And just thank you for listening, and thank you for, even if you didn't enjoy the show today, I still appreciate you listening.

Today's show was great. I mean, I revealed a lot. I was a little chatty, and I'm a little annoyed with my own voice, but that's because I can finally hear myself in my headphones. And before I wasn't hearing it. And now I'm like, yeah, it's a lot. Okay. Okay.

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