The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #370 Down For Love, Old Dads & Famous People Going Haywire

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

While Nikki feels like she needs new clothes Anya feels like she needs a new set of teeth. How much is too much body alteration and cosmetic surgery? Could we all age like Charlize Theron? Nikki contemplates an eyebrow lift that will perfect her  "tired of life face". Brian jumps in, diagnosing society with being overly comfortable and likely the root of everyone's depression. Nikki's new thing to be upset about is old dads. They get into a conversation about adoption and Brian shares his interesting facts about it. Nikki's Final Thought is about celebrities who are rude to workers at the places they patronize.  Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  -- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. I'm here. So is Anya, Brian Frangie, and Noah. Hi, guys.

This morning, I was just trying to look up. I'm like running out of clothes here in LA. I only brought enough. I brought like a normal amount. I didn't go overboard. And I'm tired of my outfits. And this is why I always overpack is because I like options. And I don't have them right now.

And I realize I don't dress cute anymore. There's no effort put in my outfits. Do you ever realize where you're like, oh, I'm giving up kind of like, it's like almost like soothing to me where I go, oh my God, like when I used to go to shows in Hollywood, I would be like, who am I going to run into? Who am I going to see?

Who's going to see me? I got to look good. I might like, I don't know if there's just something in my brain that shut off that's like it does not matter I am with someone like I don't know if it was about being like wanting to attract a mate potentially but there's no thought that goes into looking desirable anymore And it's really nice where you go, oh my God, I left the house without thinking. I forgot my makeup. I was like, I'll do it in the car,

but then I forgot it. And I go, oh, well, I guess I got to stop at CVS and get a mascara at least. But that used to be a big part of my life was making sure I looked cute. And as Sarah Lena says on the girls chat girls the longer girls take ready the less interesting they are and she's always found a correlation between those two which I fucking love um but I feel like I'm the most interesting

ever now because I just don't I don't put I'm like a guy I feel feel like I put as much effort in as a man and it feels good You definitely have some makeup on today. I was going to remark on how lovely you look. Or is that just natural? All I did, well, my hair is curled from being on set yesterday. So someone did this, but I slept on it. So I just brushed through it. And then I have eyebrows.

I just put some gel on. But I also dyed them yesterday, so they're darker. And then I just put mascara on. And then I put a, what's it called? Did you put mascara on the bottom? Tinted. Yeah. Yes, I did. I always put mascara on. And then I put a... Did you put mascara on the bottom? Tinted. Yeah. Yes, I did.

I always hit those lashes. What do you think of this permanent tattoo eyebrows? I saw this a few times. What do you think? Any microblading? Love them. Really? I've seen...

It just looks weird on some people. Is this 2015? No, I've seen it where it's like, it doesn't look good. You can get your entire makeup tattooed onto your face now. Just never put black pigment because that turns blue.

Yeah, that's what I've seen. Well, I was actually going to bring this up. It's so funny. You said that microblading was the sensation in like 2018, 19. It like was crazy. Everyone was was doing it i made an appointment i got nervous before it and canceled it thank god because there is a subreddit dedicated to microblade removal all these girls that are just regretting it now kind of like gauged ears where that that trend was happening

back in the day and i go brother these people are not gonna want these holes in their fucking ears for the rest of their lives these people are in their 20s don't they plan on living a little bit longer um but yeah so people are having it removed and there's a way to get it out yes i was having this about my veneers the other day i got a little um irritation the other day and i'm just like are you fucking kidding me it has been here's my rant it has been four months since i've gotten these fucking veneers i know they look nice and everything but i'm still not happy with them i still feel like every time i look in the mirror i'm like oh hi i'm box funny like they just don't feel right they're always i have to floss three or four or

sometimes five times a day use a sensitive toothpaste sensitive fucking wash i'm just like i'm spending at least 30 minutes a day on dental care that's it like 30 minutes dude it is insane i mean now the pain is gone but like four months in this is normal i want to go see the kardashians guy in la i actually looked him up i think carlisle has seen him but i just want someone to be like i mean i don't want this i have a fear that he's gonna look in my mouth and be like jesus christ what did they do what did they do yes or i want someone to be like this is great you're fine this is normal right every time you go to a new doctor or if you go to a every time you go to a new thing a mechanic hairstylist a doctor a dentist what did they do always start with holy shit you really

got fleeced on this one a contractor they go into your bathroom they go like jesus christ oh this is like this is a greg warren bit that when the contractor that is the new contractor comes in they go whoa they really fuck i can't believe they got away they should be in prison for what they did to your bathroom that's what you want the dentist to say about your veneers i love my current hair and makeup girl i got my hair done and it's been um um, my, my lady was, uh, just had a baby. I texted her on the day. She was like, I just gave birth an hour ago, so I can't do it this week. And I was like, Oh my God, thank you for like, actually, I just liked that. She was like, yeah,

I just had a baby, but she wasn't like, we welcomed Michelle Linnae into the world. Seven ounces. She was just like, I just had a baby. I'm sorry. I can't do your hair. Like still professional. Not that you can't announce your baby that's fine it's a huge accomplishment that everyone's done that exists um but um but she was just like oh i just had a baby today can someone else do it what was that brian we've all done it too every man and woman alive has participated in childbirth well i just was thinking another day when women are like i'm a mother it's special i'm like literally every person you see walking around there's someone that had them so it's maybe the most ununique thing ever like for every person

you see at a baseball stadium like thousands of people there's women going and like biting onto a piece of bark or whatever they used to do like it's it's it's very special if you do it but it's not that special it's it's done more than most of the things you do in your life that make you unique like most of the things you do in your life motherhood will not be the most unique thing you do um give some credit to the give some credit to the baby also. Cause the baby, I know we've got to crawl through that tiny tunnel. We didn't choose to do it though. We got to crawl through it and get our,

and it's, it's traumatic for the baby. Then you got to get your, your umbilical cord snipped. And then if you're a Jew, you get your dick cut up. So like, you know,

not just a Jew, like my sister and brother-in-law, I go, you're going to take this baby who has just been through the most traumatic thing of its entire life. And it's screaming wildly, has no idea what these lights are,

is so freaked out. Now it's in like a little incubator. So now it's like not near anyone and you're going to take it. And the next place you're going to take it, you're going to chop off its dick. And even if you numb it, there's a needle that goes into numbing it.

So that's going to hurt. Like, why are we hurting babies right away? i've been on this rant before about circumcision i really don't believe in it i think you should get it done later if you want it it should be a choice later to with you know i just think it's too i think that causes like inside like that causes trauma but but what do i know i truly don't know anything um i'm glad my parents did it when i didn't know what was going on because i don't think I'd want to I get it go through the stress but you might be fucked up now for some reason because you had that trauma that you don't know about like that's what I'm talking about like you think that you want it but you might be suffering in some way

right now because your body remembers the first thing I did on the first day I was alive was have my dick cut. What the fuck? How far is it from how far is it from what is it FGM or whatever female genital mutilation? How far is it from clitorectomies? Very far. Because they're cutting off the hood.

They're not cutting the clit. I had a friend who did it when he was I think he was 35 and um he just like constantly got infections and stuff and uh that's why he had to do it later in life and my god he couldn't masturbate for 30 days and finally after it healed he he masturbated like and and when he came like it just like shot up on the scab it was so so much was it like a little bb scab that flew off and hit his dog in the eye um my friend darren that's so funny well and you know what i understand why they do what boy everyone goes it doesn't have

to get infected if you just clean it but everyone's like but these are boys like we'll leave the clitoral hoods on women seem to know how to use some soap men are just you know like no no i'm not trying to be one of these women that shits on men and it's like they're all disgusting but based on my experience on f boy island and then our uh next show f girl island the girls quarters and the boys quarters are very different places for the cleaning crew from what i've heard and i know these are f boys but half of them are nice guys that uh you know had good moms and good parents that probably cleaned up for them is it dirt is that force is it dirt versus being disorganized like in that way oh i wonder i'll ask that because i think

you know i've met boys and girls all over the spectrum of dirty, like there are some dirty girls. We know like stinky stinks. And then there's like me, I'm disorganized, but and I can be a little dirty. I'm not gonna lie. I don't understand is when someone's dirty and they don't know it, and they just invite people over their house. We've talked about this before, I think, but you go over to someone's house. If someone goes, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I just have to grow in and grab my jacket. You can come in if you want, but it's disgusting and I'd rather you not. And someone goes, oh, I'll come in. If that person's disgusted by what that person sees, that's their fault because they were warned about it this person's self-aware you can be disgusting if you're self-aware if you invite someone over and your house is gross and you don't comment on it or say something it's so ironic because most of the times people comment on the house is a mess it's immaculate you know we all

know that person that's like oh i should have straightened and you're like this would be a really good day for me if my house looked like this like this is sandbagging so yeah i just don't get what self-awareness is something that um people lack so much but i wanted to say so my hair girl was just was like oh i just you know uh shit out a baby i can't do your hair i'll give you someone else and this girl kind of fried my hair. She did a good job. Like it looks good, but it's been just getting tangled every single day since. And it's just dry. And my hair and makeup girl that I use every day regularly, who did not do my hair, she just does my hair for day jobs. She, I was like, it's just not been the same since it's constantly getting tangled and I'm very tender headed. So she brushes it and I go, and she's like, Oh my God, what am I doing? And she feels so bad. And I'm like, ever since I

went to that girl and this was her big opportunity to go, yeah, I've noticed it's like, she didn't do a good job. This isn't my fault that you're tender headed right now, but she didn't. She's a nice person. She was just like, I don't know. I think maybe since then I've noticed that you've been a little bit more sensitive, but it looks good. Like she had every opportunity to throw under the bus. And that's why I love, uh,

Leah Oakley is like, she, my girl is that she, I gave her opportunity to shit on someone. I kind of wanted her to, she didn't take it. And that is so rare because everyone loves to throw someone else under the bus,

including me. It feels good when you come in and you're like, oh, yeah, that person didn't know what they were doing. I got this. I got it. That is nice. I had the dentist in California look at my teeth when they were temporary veneers and she was like, they did a good job. This looks great to me.

I was like, thank God. But there's something in my personality where i have to keep picking at a scab over and over so it's like now it's been a couple months and i'm like but what about now what would someone say now like maybe maybe these permanent veneers were your teeth like a constant um before you got them fixed because i didn't remember you commenting on your teeth a lot before you got them it kind i didn't remember you commenting on your teeth a lot before you got them it kind of just happened now they're sensitive okay so what so i can't enjoy a drink without being like oh like it's heat sensitive cold sensitive i'm like many times in the day i'm like

aware of my fucking nerves or they're it's just common god it's common for me to feel sensitive about shit like i'll be annoyed at noise or whatever but i think anyone with this level not anyone i would say 40 of people in my situation would be annoyed too and the rest of them wouldn't even do you read about it online do other people report the same stuff yeah but then i'll google after i don't know yeah people say for months and months but then it's horror stories of like my you know if you google veneers like the seventh thing or something is like can i undo this like can i go back regret so you could take the veneers off and then get root canals on both those teeth could take the veneers off

And then get root canals on both those teeth And then put veneers back on Yes I think that That's something I've thought of But that's so intense Wow Yeah root canals aren't a big deal Jesus Christ

Isn't that when they take the whole tooth out No Elective Elective makes you feel like Why did I do this to myself it's my fault but it isn't because you didn't plan on this and there's no free will and we're back and we're back there isn't it's you know you didn't plan on wanting veneers even though you feel like you chose them it's an illusion the self is an illusion um i want to get a brow lift so bad um and i want to

find a time to schedule it i think i'm going to do it right after my special too but i'm also like i don't i'm scared of complications like i'm scared of this bullshit like i don't i can honestly headphones are the greatest way to show yes that that's it tiny and i want to maybe do a little a slight blepharoplasty which is like having this skin just removed a little bit not to the point that like I know women who have had blepharoplasties and it looks fucking nuts I want one that people don't even you would never notice and I know that's like well what's the point of doing it because it's so slight but when I go like this if you watch on YouTube this I know it looks a little bit like whoa like i'm doing a racist thing but it's not like this are you singing japanese i don't know probably i think you were it looks

like well can we not acknowledge that like asian people have eyes that are different than ours anymore is that not a thing that we have we have to pretend like that isn't a thing um so yeah like you can just see if i guess whenever i go like this i'm always like oh my god i look so good when i'm just bummed out you know when i'm like holding my face like oh god i'm so tired of life this side of my face that's tired of life looks awesome the other side looks tired of life is that the fox lift isn't it called like a fox eye lift yeah i think maybe that's a type of brow lift but yeah what i would do is a brow lift and i want to go to dr diamond but even just to see him is a thousand dollars that will then go towards your surgery but if you don't decide to

do it you've just wasted a thousand dollars to go talk to this guy for literally 10 minutes i'm guessing at the most he's going to spend with you, maybe three. I've been to these celebrity doctors before, but there's a girl whose face I really like, and I go, where do you go? And she told me, and it was him. So yeah, I don't know. But I'm worried that I'm just going to be in pain for this really dumb, and I'll go like, why did I do that?

I just don't want my life to be filled with, why did I do this i just don't want my life to be filled with why did i do this i could have just and but now there's shirley's they're wrong there was this like headline that i shared on the girls chat where she has not had face work done but everyone there were a bunch of headlines based on these new pictures of her that said she had bad face work and she's like i didn't have bad face work i've had none so even if you don't have facework people go she had facework but she got she did a groupon you know and so you might as well just get it done because it's gonna they're gonna say have a question facework anyway so charlie's pharaoh has had no facework at all no as you took the words right out of my mouth brian does lasers count as face

work um i don't think so that's that's still to me even though they penetrate it's topical yes that counts and i think she's probably a filler botox but i'm thinking she has not undergone surgery i don't think so but we would have to check with lori hill l-o-r-r-y hill on um on youtube but i checked and yesterday she doesn't have a video about charlie's i mean i can't just probably one little headline somewhere and she decided to comment on it and now it's a bigger thing you know the way taylor swift is used to make people have bigger headlines thank you to all the besties who sent me a clip of someone that I won't even mention because I was just like,

I'm not even going to give this a view. I know what he's doing. He's bringing up Taylor Swift so he gets clicks. It's genius. He's good at that stuff. But I was like, and people were like, but he says she's amazing. And I go, I don't give a fuck. Of course he does.

He's not going to say she's bad. This person's controversial, but they know better than that to pick the most famous person and say something negative. If I wanted clicks, do you know what I would do? I would make Taylor Swift videos where I just, you know, I could do this because I actually have knowledge on Taylor Swift more than I went to one era's concert because I got it for free from my agent, which is probably what this person's story is. Oh, I really enjoyed your trivia, your Taylor Swift trivia. I listened to it last night. It was so funny and so cute. You were on Chris's radio show, and you aced that trivia challenge. Thank you. I didn't even know that I would be good on so many of them.

We'll talk about it when we get back from break. We have to go to break right now. Thank you for listening to that, Anya. It's on The Courtney Show podcast if you want to check it out. And the title of the episode is Nikki's Does a Taylor Swift Quiz. And it's about three-fourths of the way through the show if you want to hear it. But we'll be back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, so yesterday I called into a Peoria radio station and Chris's radio station.

I booked them both on the same day. Cause I'd wake up at six cause I'm on the West coast and they, they in the central and I'm promoting my shows. Um, September 15th in Chicago, September 16th in, um, Peoria.

And then the list goes on and on and I'm on tour all fall long and, uh, leading to a special taping and then, then some. So, um, please check out those dates and come out to see me. But yeah, I called into Chris's show and he quizzed me on Taylor Swift. And yeah, it was really fun.

I only got one lyric wrong, which I'm going to do. People were like, you got something wrong. And I'm like, yeah, she has like a thousand songs. And that's not an exaggeration. And I don't know all of them because when i know her songs i know them there's no just like i've either never listened to a song or i know all of it so there's some of her songs i literally have never listened to because i'm not ready to commit to um memorizing it but i did know her my favorite was when he's like what are her parents

names and you're and you're like i don't know this i don't know i and then you're like scott and he's like yes and you're like but i don't know this. I don't know. And then you're like, Scott? And he's like, yes! And you're like, but I don't know her mom's name. And he's like, I'll give you a hint. One letter. And then immediately you get it. Like Andrea or something, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your subconscious knows all.

Yes, it does. I consume, I mean, my Instagram, it's only Taylor Swift. Every single video it's my friends don't show up anymore it's just suggested accounts like t swift like a real addiction i don't see my friends i don't see my family i'm struggling at work because everything is taylor swift i'm i'm i lost hundreds of thousands of dollars i just don't have anything anymore i wasn't sure if i should send this to you, Nikki,

because I was like, I guess, like, when I see Taylor Swift stuff now in my Instagram feed, I really want to send it to you, but sometimes I think

it would be punishing you because you, like, already know about it. But the other day, I saw a video of Taylor Swift covering Eminem, and at first,

I was reluctant to press it. Oh, okay, fine. So, I'll find it find out something to you. I don't think it's AI. Is it a video of her? It was her in concert I guess just like doing a cover of

Lose Yourself. Oh my god, I've never seen that. And she sounded so good. Unless I fell for AI but I'm pretty sure it was real no I don't think you did that sounds like something

I would say that besties are constantly sending me Swifty stuff and I would say 50% of the time I haven't seen it so I would say keep sending that stuff whether it's like people in the stands doing funny things most of the security guard dances I've seen where it's like oh this person got a job just so they could see heiress tour. And it's like an old man like dancing to her. I've

seen that stuff. But beyond that, there is so much content out there. I don't watch all of it. So I would love for people to send me funny stuff they find or just, yeah, Spade is constantly sending me Taylor Swift stuff. He sent me one of the funniest videos out there that I wouldn't have seen without him. And it's her doing the, knew he was a killer right before I saw, like this dance, baby, let the games, ready for it. And she's doing this, if you're Swifty, you know what I'm talking about.

She's doing the dance during Erys tour where she's like kind of bouncing back on both her feet. Her legs are spread out and she's kind of, baby, let the games begin, let the games. And then they took her and they put her in front of a soccer goal. And it looks exactly like she's kind of like, baby, let the games begin. Let the games. And then they took her and they put her in front of a soccer goal. And it looks exactly like she's like trying to block as they're coming in. And then her little like image spins and kicks the ball. I sent it to Chris because it was so funny. And he was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

It was so good. So some stuff I'm like, thank God this bestie sent it. So yeah, keep that stuff coming. I always like it. And Noah, you had a question about brow lifts before. You were like, I have a question. It's okay if you can. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was going to ask. The question was if you consider lasers face work

because I am about to go for a consultation because your girl needs some maintenance. You've never had laser? Well, lasers... You're doing good. Aren't lasers to... Are they to tighten? Or it's like to resurface your skin.

It's like all outside. It's everything. There's so many different types of lasers. I used to have all these broken capillaries along my face and there's one called V-beam that's really good. Just zaps them all. I used to have melasma or a little sunspot there's a really great laser for that fraxel is great to do like once a year it just like resurfaces your

whole face i like amy's joke about how you look the same six weeks later but in my case i found an old picture of my skin like you know of me 10 years ago before my very first laser facial. And I was like, damn, my skin looks better, way better now. So I would say two thumbs up for laser. Also, Nikki, I'm transitioning out of, or hopefully, out of Botox and fillers. I don't want to do this anymore. And I'm going to see how I can do it know uh non-invasive things as I are you out I just don't it's such a waste of money it doesn't last in my body and I'm like I don't

I think it looks weird to just do a filler is so expensive the last time I did it I think it was like two thousand dollars and it was gone within six weeks I looked yeah you metabolize it I always say it was the most expensive meal of my life. It's so true. I think about that every time they're doing it. I'm like, please. $1,000 one course meal. It's not preventative.

So funny. So I'm doing more preventative stuff now. I'm doing a thing called micro. Needling. What it's called. No, not micro needling. It's. Microdosing.

Yeah, that's why I feel so good micro machines machining and i'm doing radio frequency not radio frequency micro needling which feels like a staple gun they just play episodes into your face howard stern yeah i'm just radio frequency um yeah there's this is the thing there's too many things it's overwhelming i don't like it speaking is the thing. There's too many things. It's overwhelming. I don't like it. Speaking of microdosing, there's too many things for that too. My friends are like, my friend is now talking about doing sassafras tea rituals where you trip out.

Then there's ayahuasca. Then there's the frog stuff, which I would never use because it harms frogs. And that's not cool. And then there's just too many. There's LSD. There's acid, which I know never use because it harms frogs and that's not cool. And then there's just too many. There's LSD. There's acid, which I know is LSD. But there's some stuff that's just, this is just acid. Then there's DMT.

It's like, then there's too many psychotherapies. There's talk therapy. There's EDMR. There's neurofeedback where you hook your head up to little sensors. There's too much. This is a result of too much comfort. We are too comfortable in our lives. And if we just,

like people in the state of nature didn't need to get all sorts of lasers and needles and therapies because we were too busy running away. They could just pick a mushroom off the trail. No, it was because we were too busy running away. off the trail. No, it was because we were too busy running away from tigers and lions and shit to worry about, oh my god, am I slightly

uncomfortable about a specific thing? And I think that's partially why so many people are depressed in today's world because we're just a little bit too comfortable. Maybe climate change is good. Yeah, I mean, you're not wrong. I don't think that's good. I mean you're not wrong I don't think that's good I mean it's just natural

climate change is natural even though it's brought on by unnatural things the earth is just trying to like eliminate a pest that's on it that's killing it so that's why it's heating up and that makes sense we all have heard that no Brian it's very explosive save that for our intrusive thoughts bonus episode

from big money players if you go to Apple Podcasts No, Brian, it's very explosive. And save that for our intrusive thoughts bonus episode from Big Money Players. If you go to Apple Podcasts, subscribe and pay extra. I will go off on why climate change is good and intrusive thoughts. Okay. Well, Bestie wrote this to me. Shout out to Kelly. She heard me talking about Down Syndrome kids

because I've been watching the young adults Down for Love on Netflix, which is about people with Down syndrome looking for love. And she said, Hi, Nikki, I heard you talking about Down syndrome on the pod and wanted to let you know, I have a 10-year-old son with Down syndrome, and you are exactly right.

He is one little ball of love. He wants hugs all the time. He gets super excited about the little things. I'm talking joyous, in all caps, over the pizza guy delivering a pizza. And I think a lot of it is because of his intellectual delays. He just doesn't have all that bullshit swirling through his brain. He is just happy or sad or whatever. He's not running conversations and interactions

through his head, analyzing everything. He's truly living in the present moment. And there's something pretty beautiful about that, right? I never realized how beautiful simplicity is until I had him. Thanks for talking about it on the pod the pod love you so i love that because it's exactly what you're saying like we're so bogged down by we're too comfortable or we're you know we just our brains are betraying us they're too smart you know like sometimes it would be a little it would be nice to not be so intellectual because i think the smartest people are the most depressed and I'm not trying to toot my own horn by being like and I'm very very depressed I have a PhD in but people always go why are comedians depressed I'm like because comedian's job I think I mean

who knows why really but our job is to analyze things and look at things for what they really are and synthesize it to share it with you. And so you sit in your seat and go, oh my God, that's so true. I never thought of that. So if we're constantly looking at the world and going like, what's really going on here? That's pretty depressing. And so it is a bummer. And sometimes I think that's why I like to smoke a little weed or like, that's why I love drinking because I wanted to get stupid. I wanted to, let's get, that was a song that we sang. Let's get, you know the word. I want to get that because, yeah, that's right.

I want to get it started. We should start saying it instead of the R word. No, people were saying that. After that song came out, people in high school and stuff started saying, you're it started instead of the R word. Oh my God. Damn it, that's so funny. Stop getting it started, Todd.

Oh, that's good. That feels like a nice little place to be with that word. Because it's like the Louis bit about when he says people say the N word Oh, that's good. That feels like a nice little place to be with that word. Because, you know, it's like the Louis bit about when he says people say the N word and he just prefer they say it because you're like, well, now you're making me say it in my brain. Like, you don't want to say it, but now I'm saying it. And the truth is, I don't say it when I hear the N word. Oh, my God. Have you guys seen the new, sorry, Tracy Jordan, Tracy, what the fuck is the name?

Tracy Morgan? Tracy Morgan, Tracy, what the fuck is the name? Tracy Morgan? Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan special. It is so fucking funny, but he says the N-word like 5,000 times. It is the most offensive, misogynistic special, and we laughed so fucking hard. It is so good. I just have to recommend that. He gets it a little uh it started you know what i'm saying like he kind of done like he's just like saying it's free flow there's no like worrying about who how might i present this

in a way that people can really i want people to think he's just up there having fun. Um, but yeah, I, uh, what was it? Oh yeah. This show down for love. You guys, you guys got to watch it. It's so fucking sweet. And I got to say what in my struggle for, if I want kids, I think I want, if I do eventually, I think Chris and I would be down to adopt a down. We'd be down. We'd be down. Down for adoption would be our show that I'm going to pitch. That's a great show. I'm going to build a show around it. Down for adoption, and we adopt a kid with Down syndrome

because there's just so much, even watching the show, and I know the show is just not showing the really hard times, which with every kid, there's hard times,, even watching the show, and I know the show is just like, not showing the really hard times, which, you know, with every kid, there's hard times, but I think with kids with delays, it's definitely even harder.

And I don't mean, I would definitely know it's going to be harder than you think. You guys heard my rant yesterday. I know. But I think that's probably where I would veer towards, is, you know what's really challenging about that? if I wanted kids like doing a good thing, thing yeah so i have a friend in town here and his son is not he doesn't have

down syndrome but he's special needs he's like severely autistic and can't function on his own and his dad is in his 60s and he's overweight and i met him at the gym he's trying to get healthy and in shape because his son relies on him so the the challenge for a lot of these parents is you know what is going to happen when I pass on who is going to take care of my child yeah so I don't know that's I know that is a sad part of it because I did say you know if you did if you were the type of mom that wants to have a six-year-old lovey dovey son like I guess six is where they kind of turn into brats but like five-year-old boy four-year-old boy that always wants to hug his mama and his mom always goes I don't know what

happened he used to be so cuddly if you want that for a really long time you got to go down um but go down to the river you got to go down I'm sorry i'm trying to be funny and i shouldn't be about this but i think it's like you just have an adult child that has that kind of disposition but that is the fear is that they need someone to take care of them later on that's why i would only do it with chris if we had a plan of action for that but i would also say here's my new this is my new fucking thing that I am a little upset about. I am very aware of many men who wait to have kids into their 50s, maybe 60s. They meet a young lady.

They knock her up. They get to be old dads. And everyone gives them shit. You're not going to be able to pick up your kid at his graduation. I just combine two things. But you know what I'm saying. You're going to be in a wheelchair at his graduation. You can't pick him up when he's a toddler.

Whatever. But people kind of let it go we kind of go well he's got a young mom you know the kid's gonna be okay he has an old dad theovan had an old dad we talked about this before it's kind of culturally acceptable yeah the dad's gonna get a little shit but it's not like verboten right can you imagine you imagine if I was 57 and I said, I want a kid now. And they go, well, you can't have one lady. And I go, but why does this dude get to have one? Well, he has a young wife who had him one. Okay. Well, can I get a surrogate? Do you think they would let me as a 57 year old woman get a surrogate and adopt her baby do you think de brad had she gave birth to her son at age 49 her and her wife had a baby okay well i'm talking past the time i can give birth do you think someone would let me adopt a child at 57 years old no but i'm 57 not 49 57 you can

adopt can't you or is it i I know Diane Keaton adopted late. I want to say 50, but she was probably in her 40s. Yeah, I feel like. 58, 59, 50, late 50s. Like, can you, okay, to make it even worse, do you think you'd be allowed to adopt? Are you allowed to adopt a baby in your 70s? There's got to be a rule against that.

Like, if you're 75, can you adopt a baby in your 70s? There's got to be a rule against that. Like if you're 75, can you adopt a baby? California has no adoption age limit. Okay. I'm sure the grandma on Down for Love adopted her granddaughter. The one who lost, you know, their mom died. So I have to have a girl first and then have her have a Down syndrome kid

and then have my daughter die of brain cancer and then I get her and then I can have a baby when I'm 70. Well see this is I mean I know you can do it but I think it would be a little bit this is the difference between being a mom and a dad like I want to be a dad this seems like a sweet gig and I know I'm not the first comedian to ever say this I'm not trying to like do a bit here. It's a little bit bitty, but being a dad is, people go, do you and Chris want kids? And I go, I don't think us would be good to have kids. And I go, maybe if like we broke up and I met someone else, like I could consider having kids with it. And they go, that's, then that means your relationship is bad. I'm like, you're not listening to me. My boyfriend, my lover, is a dad. He's got a dad energy.

I would need a man who's got a mom energy in order for me to have kids because I want to be a dad. So I'm not saying if I broke up with Chris, I would look, I desperately want a kid. So I got to find a guy that's like a mom energy. I'm saying the only reason it would seem like a good idea to me guy that's like a mom energy i'm saying the only reason it would

seem like a good idea to me is if i found a mom type guy i have a perfect answer for you you need and you need a mom you guys stay together you adopt a kid or we hire a mom acquire a kid and then you hire a mom yeah you just it's called a nanny oh yeah but here's my thing about the nanny. I said it yesterday. I'd have to help out. I'd have to help out. No, you don't. And I'd be worried about...

Just go to therapy for that impulse. Yeah, and I would worry about the judgment of all the other women being like, well, we didn't get a nanny. Yeah, fuck those women. I don't know. Fuck them. Fuck them and knock them up

and give them more kids. What did you say? I have some adoption facts that are pretty incredible here. Yeah, so California has no adoption age limit. There are several states that require the parent to be at least 18 years old, which means that you can adopt when you're 18. There are several states that require parents to be at least 21 years old. That means you can adopt when you're 18. There are several states that require parents to be at least 21 years old. That means you can adopt when you're 21. There are some states, Georgia and Idaho only, that

require you to be at least 25. I think they're more right. I don't know why you would... I guess if... I don't know. I'm not going to get into that. But there are states that require the parents to be at least 10 years older than the adopted child. That means that if you're an 18-year-old in California, you could potentially adopt a 17-year-old. You could adopt an 8-year-old. You have to be at least 10 years older. None of us can do that. Okay, gotcha.

You could graduate high school and then immediately adopt an 8-year-old. Isn't that a little strange? I thought you had interesting facts to give. That's not interesting? No, wait. You didn't say the interesting part. You just said facts. That you could be 18 years old and adopt an eight-year-old kid. No, that doesn't make sense. I picture our mom sucks or my aunt sucks. She's died of a heroin overdose. I've already raised her kids as a 17-year-old girl.

I was babysitting them a lot. They're 10. I'm a responsible person. I'm going to adopt them. That doesn't, that's not too crazy to me. But the thing about adoption- But it is interesting

a 70-year-old in California could adopt or an 80-year-old. Well, yeah. There are private agencies that limit the adoption at 40

they say there's a cut off age at 40 for many of the private agencies rude yeah that's fucked

yeah alright thanks for that stat because that's like of course it's in California and by the way for a mom who's 40 is not old i know that

is such a weird cut off i don't like that at all um i did you guys have old parents or young parents i would say my mom my mom was 30 and then she had my sister at 37. I guess that's kind of, oh, that's old for back then. Maybe older for then, yeah. Yes. But I never felt like they were old. I still disagree about this 18-year-old adopting an 8-year-old thing.

I know that the example is always you can't rent a car until you're 25. So in this country, you can adopt adopt you can't rent a car until you're 25 so in this country you can adopt a kid at 18 but you can't rent a car for to drive it to the hospital

why is the car rental thing that's such a funny number like it's the last thing you get before social security is it 25 or 21 I think the problem isn't all the other analogies we compare to the 25 year old car 21 I think the problem isn't all the other analogies we compare to the 25 year old car rental I think the problem is the car rental age

I mean what if you're a parent of some adopted kids and you have to rent a car because you guys are like taking a road trip you can't do it for 7 years you can because I rented cars before 25 you got to use a credit card you can't do it for seven years? You can because I rented cars before 25. You've got to use a credit card.

You can't use your debit card. So you have to be 25 to be able to use a debit card to rent a car. We'll be right back after this with more facts. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from john and the team of correspondents and contributors the podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews

and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Not interesting facts. Yeah, I said a blank. No, those were interesting facts, Brian. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about your facts even though brian really never feels bad exactly i knew it i just

disagree that they were that those were brian doesn't feel bad that's the best thing about brian you can kind of be insulting and he just goes and i go brian i didn't mean to like hurt your feelings and he goes i don't have those and not that you don't but brian doesn't take things personally it's amazing yeah i'm still thinking about how yesterday or the other day when you guys were having your debate on free will how you were like you're smarter than this and he did not get insulted by you're smarter than this no no because he because he knows he's smart and so he doesn't like it'd be like me being like anya i hate your brown hair and you

just be like well that's not a thing I have so I'm not gonna get offended by that I guess and he just knows he's smart where I think covering up by bleaching yeah yeah but I think that when someone insults my intelligence I get offended because deep down I think I am kind of stupid or like if they insult like that is my you're not funny i go i'm not secure about those things but um oh i was gonna say yesterday brian um two of the girls that witnessed our fight not fight but our debate that were in the room they were here yesterday you were not um stacy says to me nikki um so by the way, those girls did not say anything the entire time, right? They were just looking at each other.

And anytime I referenced the, how awful it was, they would laugh. So I knew they were listening, right? So it was like when mom and dad are fighting or something and the kids are just like, I really was triggered by doing that to someone. And I also was thinking yesterday, I bet there is a recording of us doing that because I bet one of them recorded it to be like oh I gotta play this for my husband later to see what I put up with at work like we probably could get a recording of it so uh Stacy was like the thing you and Brian were talking about yesterday by the way these girls did not weigh

in at all on the subject they were out they did not go like I kind of see what she's saying I didn't even know if they were actually listening until i actually made fun of it and then they laughed but she goes my husband wrote his um phd thesis about sam harris and i go what and she was like i don't know if it's phd but she was like he wrote his doctorate these whatever i don't know things because i'm not smart don't tell that to me because I'm insecure about it. But he, she was like, yeah, he wrote a paper about how people that believe there's no free will versus people who are really into the secret or stuff like that manifestation. People that read the secret use you or use the word I and me and self a ton. Whereas people who are really into the idea of no free will are much more about us or that like they don't use you. They don't use self because

they're not selfish because they don't believe that they are a self. And so she was like, he did a whole paper on it. I'm like, send me that paper. And she goes, oh, he's obsessed with Sam Harris. And I was like, I cannot believe you were sitting dormantly while I was like, he did a whole paper on it. I'm like, send me that paper. And she goes, oh, he's obsessed with Sam Harris. And I was like, I cannot believe you were sitting dormantly while I was like about to start crying when Brian goes, I don't like the Sam Harris guy. And I go, don't bring him into this. If you don't like him, it's because I'm not doing a good job

of representing what he is. But she was sitting there all along and her husband's a huge Harris head. I was so excited. So that happened yesterday. I wanted to update you about it. Um, but I did feel,

how could you not chime in? I guess it was just no chiming. She didn't want to bust into that. Well, she didn't know until she got home. Cause she was like, no, I don't know.

I mean, I have these people hanging out in my bedroom, uh, 13 hours a day. So I, I have these people hanging out in my bedroom 13 hours a day, so I would hope that I'm not that intimidating. I think other celebrities might kick people out. And I'm not trying to be like, I'm a woman of the people, but I am. And final thought, I am. You know what? Because I get told all the ding dang time how nice I am to work with, how different I am than people to work with. And let me just say, I'm not that ding dang time how nice I am to work with, how different I am

than people to work with. And let me just say, I'm not that nice. I'm not that easy to work with. As people in this fucking chat know, sometimes I can be a little difficult. But compared to the nightmarish talent that is out there in the world, I am a dream because I get told it a lot because talent sucks your favorite celebrity probably sucks we had a friend I had a friend um recently tell me about this girl and send a picture of her her imdb and be like do you guys know this girl I just caught her screaming at a barista about how the coffee machine isn't cleaned and they need to clean it screaming at fucking 7 45 in the morning and she's like i've never witnessed anything like it this girl's so entitled and um i looked her up and what a cunt i hate this girl so much there is a part of me i don't want to get my friend fired but if if my friend couldn't be traced to this i would write

her and say who the fuck do you think you are you little nepo baby scum you wouldn't be traced to this, I would write her and say, who the fuck do you think you are, you little nepo baby scum? You wouldn't be anywhere without your looks. You can't even act that good as I've ranted about on this exact podcast before. You're not that talented. You're hot. That's all you have going for you. I can't wait to your fucking age

and you have a little bit of just, you have to reckon with the outside world because you're living in a dream world where you think you could yell at someone like this. I wanted to just write her and go, you're a bad person. And on my account that has my little blue check mark and go, you can't fucking hurt me.

You have no power. I don't even want to be in movies. I don't want to be in TV shows. Your life can't affect mine. You're trash. You're a bad person. And I hope you die alone. I hate this girl. If you're a celebrity who treats people with disrespect because you

think you're somehow born with talent and that you're more special than other people, you should read Sam Harris's Free Will because you are nothing but lucky. You have no talent. You were just born with a brain that was good at memorizing lines. You were born with a godfather who is one of the most famous actors of all time. You, that's all, that's all you were. That's all you were. And you're a bitch and you treat people badly because you are hot and you're disgusting. You get very protective of your friends because yesterday's conversation about running the light and your friend going up after this person.

And now your friend texting you about this like bitchy celebrity. I don't know if it's my friend. It's just like people that have a job where they're a barista. Like she should be lucky she's not a barista. No one wants to be a barista. Maybe some people do. And so much respect if that's your passion and cafe art is like your thing that you're into because I know some people are, but most people don't want to be a fucking waitress, okay? Most people don't want to make $12.50 an hour or

whatever it is. So be nice and don't think that you're not them because you are a cooler person or a better person. You just got lucky that you have famous parents. And don't yell at this person who doesn't give a fuck about this coffee machine. She doesn't give a fuck about your coffee. She's just trying to get through the day and pay rent in this godforsaken town that's impossible to live in. That's the thing. I read an article about LA. They're going to lose everyone here, crew crew because no one can afford to live here anymore so Hollywood is going to stop making things like this town is slowly

being drained of its production teams because they're not paid enough even actors aren't paid enough as we know now I just hate this girl so much many of the richer actors and producers are also leaving because the taxes are too high so there's not going to be any crew or actors or producers or lawyers or agents yeah i'm staying away from this girl and

i'm sorry to get so mad because i should just forgive her because she was not it's not her fault she was born with a brain that treats people badly and parents who have taught her that and she was born into luxury and a rich family that she didn't have to learn that she doesn't she wasn't born with empathy so again i should have compassion and feel sorry for her which i do because i do think she's gonna die alone because i kind of hexed her today but did it make you mad when you read that noah like does it fire you up when you hear these like fucking privileged hot people treating people like yelling being karens about stuff and then okay here's and then everyone worships this girl because she's pretty and she's like in vogue and

like like you know just sitting in a doorway taking a photo shoot where she looks cuddly and so kind and everyone's gonna go oh my god girl i love you and they don't even know that's why i hate actors because you don't know who they truly are. At least comedians are being themselves. It's not just that. So this is my take just working behind the scenes and working with you for so long is a blessing because you are not like these fucking people. And it ranges from like nobody radio hosts to celebrities. These people, I guess they get some sort of like power trip

from being on air and having fans and all that stuff. That's one thing. And then the other thing is when you're just this high-level celebrity, I think what I realize is that your whole reality shifts because everyone's placating to you. Everyone freaks out when they see you on the street. And when you have that every single day, it warps who you are in real life. Yes. And that's what this's like it's a disease they can't help but get but i guess i i mean but there's no reason to be shitty to other people

yeah please send us videos of this shit next time you see it that's all i want it's like if you've had a bad encounter with celebrities will you please send put some fuel on my fire because i really am at a point in my career, I don't care about being in movies. So most people can't affect my life or like TV shows. I kind of have, if I talked bad about a celebrity, and I'm not going to say this girl's name because I guess I'm a little scared

because I'm only not saying it honestly because my friend, I don't want her to get fired from her job and they would just interrogate everyone who witnessed this this girl would go I got a message about someone saying that I did this at this place I wish I could just say a patron maybe recognized it you know what I'm saying like I could just write to her and say I saw someone witness you be disgusting to another human being who like was operating a coffee machine that you didn't think was clean enough who do you think you are you better uh watch out because you don't want to run into me because i will run away from you

remember me this is not uh extra. I was doing it for you, but we were trying to be so nice. And the girl, yes. Someone just submits a video of me being like, this is not actually extra hot. Not like they do it in the States. That's even, that tone isn't that good.

Like that's, but that's why I was like, let Anya do this because she can maybe kind of lay down. Like I would go, I'm so sorry this is so annoying like I'd have to do a whole speech about like I know you guys hate people who do this but this sucks like I just and I'm not it's not because I'm like such a good person it's because I think I constantly remember that that could be me why can't people do that? Like just, what if that was me?

Like the simplest thing we've been learning since we were kids of like put yourself in someone else's shoes. I feel like I, that's all you have to live by and then you're nicer to everyone.

And that's not to say that this girl could have had a, just gotten some bad news. Like the times that I've behaved a little bit like this in my life have been when I am low on sleep. I am really, what was that? Brian, sorry, you cut out and I just heard school.

Yeah. So what do you think I said? What do you think I said after school? I think all I heard was school. So I think you said it's like in school when your teacher says, Brian, are you listening? And you go, yes. And you yell at your teacher because you're tired. No, I was saying that they should teach empathy in school. It should be a required course. It should be like math, science, history, empathy should be one of the courses that every child needs to learn yes

finance yes it is because i i that's what i did when i was a teacher for um three months here in la at a korean prep school it was all korean kids told this before but um they used to just always say gay uh pejoratively and i was really fed up with it and so one day we were supposed to like work on five paragraph essays or something and i was like can we just like take a second to talk about you guys always saying gay and why that's like not the coolest thing and they were and i go what do you think about gay people like what do you think people choose to be gay like let's say that you think you think gay is like an embarrassing thing to be do you think people choose to be it and they were like yeah and I go okay well that's strange let's

let's piece that apart and then I use the David Cross bit that he put out in an album probably from 2000 which is like why would someone choose to be something that makes them ostracized from possibly their family and makes them feel different and I know people are always saying about trans like they just want attention and maybe one in a thousand trans people is doing it for attention but let's just let's let's go off of of the majority of people who are these things are probably like, when they first find out, are like, fuck, I just want to fit in. I don't want to stand out. This sucks. And these kids really got it for whatever reason. I was able to communicate this point very uh cogently and this one kid alexander i'll never forget he was we were going through at the end of the semester and saying what we learned and he announced to everyone

including the other faculty that i learned that gay people being gay isn't a choice i was like oh my god i changed this kid is going into ninth grade. And he, that impacted him in a real way. And he was not a gay kid or something, you know, like he could have been, what do I know? But he was more like a bully that was kind of setting the tone for everyone else. And so it was like a major moment for me that I got through to this kid about that. And that's all you kind of kind of do is like do you think this person that I'm making fun of right now who's you know obese and getting on a plane and me being

like oh I hope they don't sit next to me oh god do you think they want to feel that way well then stop eating do you think they don't you think they would if they could maybe it's something that's a little out of their control but I can stop eating do you think maybe would if they could? Maybe it's something that's a little out of their control, but I can stop eating. Do you think maybe you might have a different brain and a different upbringing than they did that gave you a sense of control over something that they don't have? Could that be? Like, just run it through that kind of thing. And I'm not good at this all the time. There are times I get so frustrated with people and I'm like, why is that girl I just got mad at? I was able to turn it around and say, actually, maybe she just grew up without empathy and super hot. And no one, like Noah said, no one, she's never had to work at a coffee shop. She's never had to have empathy. So how do I expect

her to have it? Why am I mad? But I just think that it doesn't take that much because and i just still don't understand why people still get work in this town um after they've been so horrible i heard a story recently about a guy who was so fucking horrible on set that people were getting panic attacks to even go in and like his lunch order. Harvey Weinstein? Right? I know. No. Someone currently around that is just, everyone knows, some people love.

That, yeah, I just wish there was a place like Deux Moi, instead of them being like, guess who's dating this person from the netflix show this summer i turn pretty like where can we just go and say all the horrible things celebrities have done and sometimes they have that stuff but it seems like almost made up that's what i want it's just a dump for people to say this person's an asshole because industry knows the ellen stuff was going around decade or more a decade or more before we all it went across the nation you want an anonymous posting board where you can kind of grade actors on their kindness like there's a website that's like teachergrades.com and then students can rate my professor and like if a certain rate my professor so if a certain actor or producer or director gets a bad enough

rating, then it needs to be investigated by the CIA. Yes. I love that. Actually, I saw an article. What? Potentially, they should be kicked out of the country and sent to work in

labor camps on an oil rig. Yes. I mean, every industry has just disgusting people. How many people just hate their bosses? Bosses are terrible. You almost don't want to be a boss because bosses are so connotated with being terrible people because of that power. We got to go, but I was going to say there was an article I came across recently that said um what taylor swift can teach the industry about kindness and

Her giving a hundred thousand dollars to everyone on her tour She gives away a lot of her money and I know she makes billions. So it doesn't matter but There I really haven't heard stories about her being unkind almost ever and maybe she does a good job of covering them up with her pr team but i do think that there are other people on tours right now being like man i wish i would have been on era's tour because these tours all take hundreds of people and they're such hard work can you imagine if you were on another tour and you heard that they everyone on her tour got a hundred thousand dollar check because that's just not done people are greedy with their money greedy and uh and i think anytime that she gets slack for being like

when when i would love to hear one oh they said i've heard one i'm like no they don't exist those people have been executed i mean have you have you ever heard one you're the queen of ts trivia um no i really haven't i i think there's been some times where people have told me something that i didn't even want to know because it's like that's not like information i should be privy to. Like even me, I can be, I can be nasty sometimes because I'm in a bad mood or I can, I've made fun of a friend who I didn't know was extremely sensitive to what I was doing and I ended up hurting their feelings without knowing it.

So I think there's been maybe moments like that for her because who out there has not hurt someone in their life? But no, I don't. I read an article that said that Taylor Swift threw a recyclable cup in a regular garbage. She would never. She would never. All right, guys.

Thank you so much for listening to the show. We got to go. We will be here next week. Don't be cut and just be nice. Other people's shoes. Try them on john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more Now this is a second term we can all get behind.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.