The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #372 Nikki is A Cucumber, Back To College & Reddit Dump!

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

Nikki is redefining the expression "cool as a cucumber". She and Brian agree on the trait that takes a comedian to the next level. Prepare to chuckle at the drive-by encouragements that Nikki's best friend Kerstin shouted at college kids over the weekend. Nikki is tired of comedy bits about older people which leads to conversations about genitals swinging and slugging before diving into the Reddit Dump. They question cheating, Fentanyl poisoning and body issues. In the Final Thought: we learn a crucial part of the Star Wars story and about the kind of kid Nikki envisions having. -- Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  -- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast.

Making my volumes all right. So lately I've been feeling like I look like a cucumber and I can't I can't get over it like I like right now if you guys like look on the YouTube like whenever I have straight long hair and it falls in front like my head doesn't have enough of like uh when I and I have extra weight on right now and it really gets jowly and i feel like around my head and then down cucumber kirsten is laughing right now she's listening to this podcast i know for a fact because one time in high school i said i looked like a cucumber and she laughed in such a way that you know it's real you know like when you say something that's how i always test like if i if something is off with me i'll say the truest thing and Kirsten's always

the one that I can like see through it I'll be like I look like an anemic ghost and she'll be like no like she will start I can see right through it so if I I just can't stop looking like a cucumber yesterday I had my hair and makeup done and I was just like, can you curl my hair so that it looks like there's a curl right under my ear. So it looks like the cucumber has a little shape to it because it's just flat cucumber. You're talking like Ernie's head? Like veggie tails. Oh, like veggie tails. If you did my silhouette with my hair yes but

it has it it has the girth of a cucumber not a hot dog you know like it could be a hot dog okay i just feel more like a do you guys ever have that where you like look like anya i know you've been having the teeth thing in the mirror where every time you look in the mirror you see something do you guys have anything where you're like god God damn it. I look like there's some object or animal you feel like you look like. Yeah. I mean, I have a cucumber thing too. I don't see you in cucumber mode right now, but there is a photo of me when I'm a child. There's a picture of me as a kid and I'm like, oh my God, this picture totally perfectly

illustrates all of my issues with my head and my hair. I have an oval head. It's an egghead. I cannot escape that. You can't change your skull size. Is this the one you sent to me the other day of you? No. Where you were like, if we were, Anya and I will have baby chat offline.

What is that? Oh, what a cutie. Catherine, why is that your hair? Catherine, why is that your hair? Catherine, why is that your hair? That's from Veep. One of the best lines in Veep ever. But do you see it, Brian? Catherine, why is that your hair? Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, why is that your hair? Why is that your hair? That's from Veep. One of the best lines in Veep ever. But do you see it, Brian?

Catherine, why is that your hair? Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, what is that? You look a little bit... I'm going to be mean right now. Downsy. Can I be mean to you? Because you are so beautiful.

You look like Mars attacks. You know, like how the aliens have a bigger upper portion? Yeah. Like, I think you came out of the birth canal and she squeezed halfway through when your head was out. It's all fine now. I would never say this if this was still your head. I think I'm doing...

What is that called that Robin does to your hair where they comb the back? What is that called? Is this kid doing a back comb? Yeah, there's a little bit of a pomp coming off the back. Yeah. I think you just had a ponytail and it went like boom pumped it up a little bit yeah brian do you have any like um as a man yeah

um are there any things physically about yourself that you're just like ah well yeah the other day brian did come in and just took off his jacket feverishly this This was so funny. He ran in the room. He gets here to my room. He takes off his jacket and he just stands in front of me and goes, look, what do you see? And I go, I don't know. And you go, my shoulder, look at my shoulder. His shoulder is like a half an inch lower than the other one. So he had like a shoulder issue. Yeah. Well, I was from an injury. I went to the doctor for it because one of my i i strained a muscle and it was insane because my right shoulder i could not keep it up like it was not staying up level and so if i just sat i it's still kind of like it yeah i can see it if i just sit there normally i have to like physically try to hold it up because the the muscle is still

injured so you don't care about something what injured. Did you get Barbie Botox? What? Botox? Did you get Barbie Botox? That's where women are injecting stuff into their shoulder blades so it goes down. No, it's an injury. I'm allowed to have an injury without having... It's not an aesthetic. Is it hard for you to tell people you don't care

about something when you go, I don't know. I can only one shoulder shrug now. It looks like I'm doing a dance. Looks like uh what's his name big bobby bopper what's the guy that helped you dance uh yeah it's big bobby bopper no what is his name william darren darren darian hip-hop henning okay i got so close dar Darian Hip Hop Henning. Bobby the Bopper was my Bob Capo who tried to kill me for not paying. Okay, so back to the question.

Do you ever have a thing where you look in the mirror and you go like, oh, I'm really this today? Well, you know what I do have is that the mirror in my room, especially when I'm sitting in this chair, I look at that mirror and i always am like damn that's the best i've ever looked whenever i look in that mirror and i don't look like that in any other mirror in the world or in real life but for some reason this

mirror is like man i'm like i go from like a six to a seven in that mirror oh my god is it maybe the lighting is it and there are definitely mirrors that make you thinner but i don't think you want to look thinner you're already a slender man yeah maybe a question is it yours is it that side of your face that's like your best side like what if you turn around and show because right now you're showing the right side of your face can you turn around in the mirror look at the left side of your face and also be just the left side of my face is the better side so it's actually showing me the bad side of my face but how do you you guys know the better side of your face i just can't realize mine it's just hard for me because i just look pretty all the

time here watch this this is the left side of my face okay you do okay that's pretty good this is the right side of my face let me see see. Whoa. Okay, your left side. I go with your left side. Yeah, my left side is clearly better. Whoa, how did that... Yeah. There's just a more... Like, you're...

His left side looks sweeter. His left side looks sweeter. Yeah. I don't know. Both are good. I don't know why. It's just better. You look more caveman-ish.

There's nothing you can do to really step your game up on that. It's just kind of like how everything fell into place surgery um my makeup girl the other day i was like um my wing wing of the eyeliner that i always do wings now which i think might be asian cultural appropriation i'm not sure but um i think that's something that could get us canceled eventually but when she did my wing and i was like it's one is way lower than the other and i was kind of like mad about it because i was in a bad mood i was just nitpicking and that's what i always do when i'm in a bad mood it's just like and nothing's right but i wasn't like don't think i'm like a bitch and yelling at her she's very sweet and i was like i just think

this one's lower leia and she was like um yeah we do that one lower because your eyes are like different. They like one is on camera. It looks like it's the same, but I have been doing one different because your eyes are different. And I'm like, oh, that's the side of my face. I sleep on. She brings the other one up. Wow. That one that was lower is my good eye.

So she could do it at a normal thing. And the other one, she's got to bring scoop up. up i'm just shocked you've only discovered this now at 39 what do you mean i've no i mean like i have to do makeup on different sides of my face ever since i started doing makeup yeah like one eyebrow does the thing i love the other eyebrow is a problem child needs help i just don't memorize what it is i know that when every time i do my makeup i do different things to match and stuff but i don't memorize when someone's like when i take shows pictures after shows people are like what side do you want to be what side is your best side and i'm always like i don't i don't really know and it's not because i'm like

it's all so good i know there's one that's better i just don't memorize it and i should because i have my picture taken a fuck ton and i'm very upset with many photos unless i'm advertising veggie tales live you're lucky because you can photograph from the front really well i feel like not a lot of people have that you have kind of have to like shift to the side to look a little bit better but you actually take a really nice photo straight on yeah okay as someone who's seen multiple sites killing it i have had really good license pictures i have to say really proud of them yeah where i've been like damn that was it was that was a good day like all of them have been well in fact one time i used my license as my like back in the day you had to have like business cards in comedy brian you

remember that were you around there was like you had to make business for some reason everyone was making business cards in like 2009 10 11 business card anya you probably had him in music my business card was my license picture like i just did my license and I made the weight 98. I just changed a little thing about it, but it was such a good picture. I was like, let's use it. I had a business card and I made it look like...

Well, on one side, I made it look like a restaurant and the name of the restaurant was Comedy and then underneath it said Free Delivery. Okay. This is like your WGA sign. That's not that bad. That's not a thinker. No, it's good. It's good. It's very cute.

Brian and I wrote a joke yesterday. I guess I wrote a joke and then Brian wanted to tell me, like he was looking at my act and he was like, that joke just like, are you sure about that joke? And I was just like,

what do you mean, Brian? He's like, I don't know. Do you think it maybe is just a joke that doesn't really, that's maybe someone else would tell and he gave like an example of someone who's kind of hacky. And I was like, well, that's all you else would tell. And he gave like an example of someone who's kind of hacky. And I was like,

well, that's all you had to say. I'm taking it out. Not going to do it. Just mention the right person. Yeah. I didn't know. I didn't really,

I'm aware of the person he mentioned, but I wasn't aware of her material. And now this girl doesn't have a shot in hell forever opening for me because now Brian ruined her for me. If she ever, no, no. If she ever wrote me, I would look at her for me if she ever no no if she ever wrote me i would look at her material first actually i don't really care i don't look at

the people people who i'm actually not going to say what i'm about to say because i don't want people writing me and asking for spots but i generally don't like review tapes when people are like hey can i open for you i kind of just look and see if they look confident in their clips. Like I don't like watch it. I just go like, Oh, because I think most of standup comedy is not being funny. It's being confident. Sure.

Agreed. I mean, like if you just look comfortable on stage, if you just look, you could be not funny at all. And as long as you're comfortable on stage, it's going to come off to the audience. Like you're good.

It tricks me, even though I know- It tricks the industry, too. I mean, there's a certain contingent- It tricks everyone, man. There's a contingent of comedians that have come out in the last five years who don't tell any jokes. They're just very confident leaning on a stool and sitting in silence, and everyone in the industry thinks they're a genius because they're not uncomfortable at all.

Well, but if you get the right bomber jacket, you're good. He just plays the stage slowly. Andrew and I used to make fun of certain comedians that do this thing where they go, I just want to repeat it in case people forgot because I still love it because it is such a device and I want everyone to be aware to not laugh when people do this. When they go,

when they go, you know what? I've got some thoughts about Britney Spears. I'm not going to say it. I can't. I don't want to get canceled. Not doing it. Then the audience goes, come on. No, we want it. They go no man I can't I can't please tell us and they like run around and then

if you as an audience are involved in begging the performer to do something you are now invested oh yeah

you could literally he could just go he could say nothing after that and you will still like it that's why crowds think that they've somehow

influenced taylor swift like taylor swift when they after champagne problems and the eras tour they all scream for like i think the longest it's been is seven minutes after it and um and they all it's it's a device and i don't think taylor's like wielding it in a um in a way that like comedians the comedians i'm talking about do where it's just they don't think Taylor's like wielding it in a in a way that like comedians the comedians I'm talking about do where it's just they don't really have material so they're they're manipulating the crowd Taylor's just like being nice to the crowd because she wants the crowd

to feel like they're in on it but she's in control there and I've said this like Taylor could shut up a crowd in two seconds by talking but if she doesn't talk and just keeps looking to the side like and she actually is being, every single time, I don't think she's being fake,

being like, people make fun of her sometimes of being like, she's just always shocked by everything. But I honestly think that she is truly appreciative and in the moment for these things. She's still the 13-year-old girl who's trying to make it and can't believe she did. So I'm not saying that she does that. But I don't think people understand how much artists can like

manipulate you are there any things that you can think of brian that comedians do that really bother you we were talking i don't know if it really bothers me but a manipulation tactic is uh laughing at your own jokes i think it was yeah i mean there are some comics it really is a flaw because they'll just laugh after every single joke because their jokes aren't funny. And then some master comedians like Dave Chappelle have perfectly timed

moments where they break and they laugh. And Dave Chappelle, I think, almost invented this in the modern era where he laughs and slaps the microphone on his knee and like, yeah yeah they're not really laughing come on they've told the joke 7 000 times it's not like this is the first time they're like oh my god i just realized that's funny yes yeah and then the other one i've been

seeing what was i just gonna say shit it's a good one fuck okay so the fake laughing and then stand up like to get everyone to yeah it's a no that one's pretty good where you you you wait after you're set and then everyone stands to give you a standing ovation because they don't know what else to do because you're just standing out there that's a good one but there's one oh man what was it well there's stuff where you set up the where you set up the crowd to say something and then you pretend like oh I know that's the first time you've ever heard a crowd say that you'll know this one

okay it's a lot of comedians used to do it including me because you just you don't even realize you're doing it because you just absorb it from watching other comedians and see how much it works but you hit a punchline and then you immediately go okay so and then i told him don't put the almond milk in my iced coffee uh like you say ah after you hit a punch line start paying attention so many comedians do this

thing do you know what i'm talking about anya yes yes punchline some kind of sound or yeah yeah yeah i don't mind that i don't mind any like under your breath talking like and punchlines so that's what i mean yeah i kind of don't that's i do that i like that but i do that because i like that the audience has to shut up to listen to it they can't like keep laughing and they have to go like, wait, what she's saying? It's giving you more context. But I think there are lots of really good comedians that get caught in the trap. Go listen to your, I wish I could give examples without calling names out because actually someone I was listening to the other day who I really love his standup.

I was like, oh my God, he's an awe guy. Yeah. And it's a cue. It tells the audience it's time to laugh right now it tells you the joke is over well it also simulates like you're you're speaking off the cuff like you're just thinking of these things and you're in a flow state so it's like if you just went here's my punch line and then waited it sounds less natural then here's my punch line um because then it feels like you're having a conversation but after a while it's pavlov's dogs and they hear ah and they start salvating and so they just know that's the cue laugh laugh laugh and um this whole podcast has just turned into um sub uh talking shit like talking shit but like not revealing who i love this stuff.

This is interesting to me. People could come at me for so many things I do. I'm sure that I mean, I'm never intentionally doing something to be like, I can say that truly about myself. I never try to get attention for something I don't deserve ever. That's the only virtuous thing about me besides me saving animals all the time including be a bee this morning oh another bee the only things that i can trust myself about

where i'm like i'm never cringy and i'm never like i'll put i'll tap myself on the pat myself on the back is i will never that's why i don't look at audience members in the eyes because i they will be forced to laugh and i don't want them to ever laugh. I don't want anyone to do anything that they don't want to do. Oh, yeah. Ever. Because it's manipulative. I only recently learned that that works. If you look an audience member in the eye, you kind of

activate them for a section of your act. Yeah, because they get nervous because they don't want you to go, what are you frowning about? Are you having fun? Tell your face. So they go, and they just laugh and they don't even know what they're laughing at it's like an insane thing that happens when you look at them and i don't it makes me so uncomfortable well i also when i look someone in the eyes in the audience i also pull out a knife you know and they laugh nervously too um i did save a bee this morning um i i saw a bee struggling on the

sidewalk just like kind of like i don't know he had a rough night and he was walking home I did save a bee this morning. I saw a bee struggling on the sidewalk, just like kind of like, I don't know. He had a rough night and he was walking home early in the morning, walk of shame. And he's on the sidewalk. He's going to get trampled on. He just looked lethargic.

And I read somewhere that if you get a spoon and put water and sugar in it, then they, and they will regenerate. Like they're just about to die because there's no flowers for them or whatever. And bees, we have to save them as much as possible. But the true thing is get honey or agave. And these bees- Make it organic.

I went over, it's weird that they like eat honey even though they make it. Wait, hold on. No, they aren't honey. I was going to say they're cannibalistic, but bees aren't honey. Isn't it their vomit maybe yeah so i went in to the coffee shop on that was like a you know a couple feet from where i saw the dead bee almost dead bee and i was like can i get some

honey and they're like we have agave i was like is that like fake sugar and they're like no i don't think so so i these bees if you put a little bit of agave on the sidewalk it immediately was like and it saw it and went over and it was like and it was like sipping it up and i could see it like regenerating back to life and then it was able to fly away and it was truly gonna die there on the sidewalk it was like not doing anything it was just so i like saved a bee today i saved a bee the other day from the hurricane it slept in my apartment for the night or in my hotel room I put it in a jar I put a leaf in there some honey and uh I had a bee for the night and then he flew away in the morning I do put them on my hand and let them fly away they're not going to sting you if you're gentle they they would never do that

and um and it's so satisfying that's I go, I don't need kids. The feeling I got from giving this bee nurtured sustenance and it flying away and having a life because I intervened and just having a connection with a bee where I looked at it and it's cleaning its little tentacles

and its eyes kind of seem like it's looking at me. I don't need kids. I just can't. That is enough for me. I'm like need kids. I just, that is enough for me. I'm like full today. Aw, your love tank is full. Yeah, like that's all I need. I just need to keep myself around animals and I won't need kids.

Okay, we're going to go to break and we'll be back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Over the weekend, Kirsten went to go visit our alma mater, Lawrence, Kansas, where I'm going to be actually coming up on my tour. My tour that is starting, kicking off in Chicago

on September 15th at the Chicago Theater. Peoria on the 16th. And then after that, I don't know where. It's like going so many places. Anya will be there. New merch will be there that Anya and Matt had designed. It's so cool. Yeah, it Anya will be there. New merch will be there. That Anya and Matt had designed. It's so cool.

Yeah, it's going to be a good shirt. Can you say? It's like a world tour. Oh. And it's like a skull with a microphone. But it looks like there's a noose on it too. Like it's like, it's pretty badass. It's a cucumber. Yeah, it should be a cucumber.

Please do not bring cucumbers to me on tour. I don't want any reference to it. It really triggers me. I hate looking be a cucumber please do not bring cucumbers to me on tour I don't want any reference to it it really triggers me I hate looking like a cucumber

I just feel like a clay cucumber with holes poked in it when some days my eyes I just look clay sometimes

where it's like there's nothing on my face except holes that someone like rubbed clay in some rocks okay

so October 29 Percy went to our school my face except holes that someone like rubbed clay in some rocks. Okay, so October 29th, Lawrence, Kansas. Kirsten went to our school. What is it? October 29th, Lawrence, Kansas. October 29th. Okay, so look out on October 29th because I'm probably going to do the exact same thing that Kirsten did the other day when she was in Lawrence, Kansas. And we've done this before

when Kirsten and I visited. Every college kid is out in the front yards. This is first couple weeks of school. All these college kids are partying on their lawns. It's classic college town. And Kirsten's driving by in her Honda CRV. And we originally did this years ago when we visited.

And it was at nighttime. And kids were waiting outside in lines to get into bars, all these young kids and we just kept saying mama's home to these kids as we drove by kirsten came up with it but just saying because it's like a car that um a mom would drive yeah um so we just kept saying mama's home to these kids and they would just look confused so kirsten did it the other day and she added to it and i just wanted to play some of these uh no i'll play them on my phone yeah okay here we go okay okay that's the first one she's going past a frat here's another and here's where we lived here's oh wait wait that was her just telling us where we lived.

Mama's home! Okay, wait, hold on. It gets buried. I swear it gets better. Mama's back! Okay, that's a little different. Hold on. It gets better.

Mama's back! Wait, hold on. I didn't realize there's so many of the same one okay i swear you have to describe what's going on okay there's like a bunch of hot girls in like that are in uh booty shorts and bikini tops carrying pizza boxes like in a line another one is like a bunch of kids like on a front lawn doing like keg stands and there's like tons of kids out yeah there's like a trampoline like those like fun castle things yes a bouncy house bouncy this one is like a kid carrying like a beer pong table and like setting up beer pong hey what's up boys they all turn their heads just like what and then this one is let's see what's happening oh it's just a bunch of cool frat guys setting up a like cornhole in their front yard

she's just being encouraging okay and then this one is um oh this is a huge party girls playing cornhole all in their bikinis kids there's a bouncy castle thing um there's like a it's there's probably like 50 girls and 20 guys on a uh but it starts off it starts i think if this is the same video, it starts off with one girl filming another girl who's on her knees twerking. She didn't say anything in that one. Oh, okay.

That one's really funny. There's a girl twerking in front of a house and another girl filming her for TikTok. And it's so funny. But this one is just a huge party on the front lawn. Stay safe tonight. Just make good choices. Don't drink and drive.

Just get great straight A's. Be yourselves. Be yourselves. So if you guys want to start this trend if you live in a college area when there's kids out front and like cool kids having a party if you want to tell them to get straight A's tell them mama's home daddy's home

be yourselves don't do drugs I think it's just a really good trend and we should start it it's a drive by screaming of encouraging things for these college kids study hard get good sleep patriarchy take you down well alice this girl's like like look at this video of this girl fully twerking wait no do you have it because i don't think i saved that one be yourselves is a really good one i mean i remember i was walking past this event and there was like a college orientation happening for usc and i just i could see visibly kids not being themselves like trying to present themselves in a certain way and it made me

feel just like i was it's so sad i was i remember it reminded me of me when i went to college when i first went and i was like man just no i found it go ahead okay yeah i guess i didn't save it because i hadn't yeah like that's oh that's for tiktok though taylor swift oh my hold on i don't think i would have ever done that because it's right next door to a party yeah but it's tiktok abs abs oh my god that's quite a significant bounce house too

I'm so nervous I'm so this makes me like so if we were just showing a video of the party that's happening on the salon it makes me so nostalgic like I know that a lot of us are probably like Brian you're just saying it gives

you anxiety it makes you reminds you of like a time in your life you didn't know who you were and you were just struggling to find an identity i like am so jealous i want to go back and maybe i want to go back because i know who i am now and i want to do that like man i like i really i get so jealous of college kids that i almost like can't even watch those videos it really affects me i get sad there was one message in girls chat from kirsten though she's like i bet all those kids are like riddled with anxiety they're at that party but they don't know how to act you know because they all have to like make first impressions and stuff and i think that's probably it they're not having a time. I think they're having a good time.

I think they are. They're drunk and they're hanging out. They've got their whole lives ahead of them. They're so excited right now. Perhaps there's anxiety and they're going to do embarrassing things like when I wrote a keg down a river or when I was at Weird Friends. You'll do stuff like that but you're not necessarily having a

bad time. You're just like... Yeah, I had the best time. I loved going to these parties and just... I liked the anxiety that went along with it, like getting dressed up and like, where are we going to go tonight? And just knowing that you have no responsibilities. I mean, I know some people listening to the podcast were like, I was working in college. I worked a little bit, but mostly like you just...

It's like this... It's a great little bubble and you have no responsibilities really. Who were your best friends in college? Kat and Kirsten. Kat, I went one year to Boulder and Kat was my, Catherine was my best friend. And then, and then I transferred my sophomore year and then Kirsten was my best friend. And then we had a falling out my junior year or no, no, no. I guess it was, yeah, junior year. And then I was doing stand-up comedy. And then I didn't really have any friends. I was just obsessed with doing comedy.

And then senior year, same deal. I was just dying to get out. So I think I kind of, I feel like I didn't have the full college experience. Because for the first half, I was starving and almost dead. And then the second half, I was wanting to get the fuck out because, uh, what do you know? Like I want to go back because I like now I do it. I was even having fun when I was starving and miserable.

Like I, I remember it fondly even though I was suffering. So like now I'd be like fucking thriving type of anxiety that you have in college. The anxiety is optimism. It's like, Oh my God, maybe I'll meet somebody

maybe i'll meet friends maybe i'll get drunk and something crazy will happen and then when you get to become an adult and you have anxiety about an event it's pessimism it's like oh god what's gonna happen tonight i'm gonna be so tired when i get back probably i'm not no one's gonna be there that i like and so that's the difference and and that's not true i have i have a personal story oh okay um so i was on uh fifth avenue in brooklyn i was coming out of uh it was actually like a sex shop so i was coming out of a sex shop and then all of a sudden they hear someone call my name and it was someone that i was friends with in college his name is javier and we started talking and it's literally like 15 years after like i've i've seen him last and

not and i'm like hey do you remember me in college and he's like of course i do and i'm like what was i like and he's like oh man you were really jaded you were just like really concerned about what you were going to be when you were going to grow up and and and some of the college and stuff well that's what i'm saying is like, I guess I want to go back now that I know it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, this is all kind of retrospective, like hindsight's 2020, where it's like,

I just know what college is now and I think I understand it more and I think we should let college students know like it's not that big of a deal. Have fun. This is the last time of your life you can have fun without the burden of rent and I'm just talking to people whose parents are paying for everything um

at which i had the privilege of my parents paying for my college tuition so um i i know that that is that's true across the board though apply that to every age every age i'm sure if there is someone 10 15 years older than you looking back at your age they would say none of it matters you need to well i know yeah no that's not true they go freeze your eggs you're gonna want to enjoy it that's what they say older women are constantly like oh dude um and i'm i have this new thing where i talk about on stage, you know, like, you know, every comedian talks about like their age on stage and like what they're going through at that age. And for most women, it's like complaining about like I'm getting older and most men, too. Like, I think after 28, people are like, I'm old.

And that's like the comedian's whole like half their act is like, this is what it's like at this age and I just recently started doing this thing on stage where I'm like I'm not gonna say I'm old because there's fucking old people here and it's really rude when someone younger than you says they're old it's just like no one wants to fucking hear it shut the hell up every 20 something year old don't ever say you're old there's someone with an earshot who is elderly and they don't appreciate it. And so like, and, but there, I tell myself that stuff all the time. Like I sometimes, I think now I look at my life and I'm like, it's so good right now.

Like I had, I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday about like my meds and adjusting them. And I was like, I just, my life is perfect. Can we just keep it this way? Like, how do I keep, how do I enjoy my perfect life? Nothing is wrong with my life. I'm miserable a lot of times, but my life, if you write out all the details, is 100% perfect. There's nothing more I want. There really isn't. I'd like to not have suicidal thoughts as often, but on the outside, my life is truly great. And I try to remember that sometimes

today, this morning, I just didn't want to get out of bed. So I started going through a list of, I'm grateful for my tongue. I'm grateful for my teeth. I'm grateful for my nose. I'm grateful for my eyes. I'm grateful for my hair. Like I was saying all those things because I really didn't want to get out of bed. But I think that, yeah, I try to to I try to know that right now bitching about my age is stupid because tomorrow I'm going to be older and it's not getting any better it's not getting any better

I think it's now I have to come up with something that Anya says that's not true too so so far I said something that Noah vehemently said wasn't true and then I said something That Noah vehemently said wasn't true And then I said something that Nikki vehemently said Wasn't true I also think that music is like There's no emotion

There's no emotion behind music I think mostly it's like a formula For computers I don't think anyone really even emotes when they're making songs Anya said it straight I completely disagree wait I didn't even hear you vehemently disagree with Noah I heard you disagree did you disagree

with the cucumber no I vehemently disagreed with Brian I see it's just Noah said that's not true and then she had an example and then Nikki said that's not true and then she had an example every time I speak someone says that's not true that's not true and then she had an example and then nikki said that's not true and then she had an example every time i speak someone says that's not true that's not true i still think the things i said are true um oh yeah uh no i still think the things i said were true um you know what actually today here's what happened today so far in the pot

i said okay uh nikki said that my business card wasn't funny. Noah said that what I said about college isn't true. Uh-oh. Nikki said that- Someone's going to quit the pod. Someone's being ganged up on. I'm being ganged up on right now. I see it coming.

And then when I asked Anya to say, tell me that what I said isn't true, she didn't even say it. What's going on today? I was still thinking about how both sides of your face look great and you don't have a bad side i couldn't even disagree with that i almost disagreed with that because that's not true on you one side is worse no but i'm not actually upset fyi no but i don't you can't i don't think you are. Brian is the best because I can...

The other day, we were working on jokes for my act. Did I tell this already where I was saying like, I do that one. I don't know about, but I like that you did this part of it. Like I like where you're the angle of it was. So that was like a good way to start, but I don't know if,

and he goes, you can just say no, like you don't like it. And I go, can I? And so then the next time I did like a joke, I go, no.

And he goes, okay, actually. And then I started just going like, no, no. And he was like, actually,

this is starting to this is making me think of something i just heard it's a weird reach but try to follow me so i was listening maybe what you're doing is female and we're we're raised to do this like affirm give positive feedback do the sandwich thing, good thing, negative thing, good thing. But I was just listening to this podcast, a snippet, and I might send a snippet on the girls chat, which Nikki often does. And it's done so well, just a short little snippet. But this man was talking about how the number one cause of death among men is suicide, our favorite topic on this podcast and

82 percent of men who commit suicide are in therapy but the majority of therapists are women this is not a slag toward women but he was saying that what kind of therapy works for women a lot which is affirming your feelings reflecting your feelings back to you and letting you know that your feelings are valid doesn't often work for men in particular men who are potentially suicidal they need action like yes your feelings are valid but like these guys are bottoming out in their lives in a huge way they need like get up wash your hands that's what i need oh yeah yeah it was really interesting biggest problem i have with therapists is this like that sounds really hard okay and how does that make you where do you feel that on your body i'm like tell me what to do yeah tell me why don't therapists do that

why don't they just tell you what i don't know because i that is accountability i want to just say that let's not correlate men killing themselves with therapy the reason that number that 82 of men who kill themselves go to therapy is because those men have mental issues and people with mental issues are more likely to be in therapy so it's less of a causality and more of a he wasn't saying it was a causal thing he was saying yeah exactly he's he's saying that surprisingly a lot of these people are aware of the problem and maybe talking about the problem it's not that it's the talk therapy doesn't help men well i'll tell you anecdotally yeah my lover is started to go see

someone and he um has just said just said, I don't know, you know, I can't tell you like what, in terms of like the, what I'm getting out of it from the person I'm talking to, but just talking about these things that I don't want to burden you with, or really anyone in my life has been extremely helpful. So just saying them.

And I think that's, um, that's what he's getting out of it so far. I really like that. But I think you're right. I consider myself fairly masculine energy in most ways other than my pussy. And even that looks masculine some days. You know, things are changing.

And I just have to share that chris and i got into a little bit of a debate the other day about trans like um if it's okay for trans women that have not had the surgery to be in women's locker rooms and he was saying like and he was not on either side he was just presenting an argument of saying like would you so poppy my niece is four he's like so you wouldn't care if poppy was in a locker room and uh just dick went swinging by her face and i was like well i would be uncomfortable if a vagina went swinging by you know like i don't think anything should be swinging by people's faces in locker rooms and i don't think but they came out that like there was a reason for his concern about this because he had an experience

with a where someone was like pretty scarred by seeing a penis in the in the world and so it made sense that he was concerned about a young person seeing a penis and i and i get that but i said um i've seen vaginas in locker rooms that are so much more horrifying than any penis uh so it's not like she's safe from seeing disgusting genitals yeah in a locker room whether it's a vagina or a penis when i was young that was my argument penises were swinging by my face all the time in locker rooms i mean i'm not kidding i worked in a gym i mean there was they should not be swinging anywhere like it's not okay for those to be... In a locker room, you should not be swinging anything.

You should not be walking around with your genitals, especially by kids that are like genital height. I think that's disgusting. And I think that anyone that's doing that is a perv. It doesn't matter if you're man, woman, trans. Exactly. Totally agree. I can hear my mom's voice right now.

You Americans are so strange and puritanical. People grow up around nudity all the time and only in this country are you afraid of nudity. Well, I would say to your mom, there are perverts who get off by putting their penises in children's faces just in the vicinity. And so that is something I wouldn't want anyone to see.

And there's also a difference between growing up around nudity and then someone swinging their penis in front of your face. I love it. Totally. No, but he was like, yeah, I think that there are guys that would totally get off.

There's at least one person listening to this who's like, has a boner right now thinking about like some sick fuck. Like this is, why do you think guys expose themselves to people on the street they get off from it this is a thing it's not like genitals are just like just natural and we should all have them out all the time like i'm a i could totally be a nudist i don't really have a problem with people seeing my genitalia if it's in a non-sexual way yes like i I just don't, the sound guy the other day

was definitely saw my nipple and I'm sure he was like, maybe excited by that, but because I didn't, wasn't doing it in a sexual way, I just didn't care. But a locker room is where you get nude. Yes, but there are people in locker rooms

just no matter what their gender are that get off on, maybe I could see that they would get off on a little girl seeing their balls or their vagina lips in a way or their tits like they sickos when i would go into a gym locker room to take a shower i would wear a towel around it and then i would go into the shower and take the towel off but there are there are and it's a it's a very old man thing to do also but there are people who just walk around flopping around free and open without any shame which is fine to not have shame that's fine but if you're doing it so for a sexual thing you just don't know why you don't know why they're doing it

right some people are so brazen about it yeah but a But a trans woman who hasn't had the surgery is not going into a locker room to swing their genitalia around. No, definitely not, but they could. They could be, just because they're trans doesn't mean they're not willing to do that. I'm not saying that it's... I think the chances of that are fucking insane,

but that's not to say that they couldn't, just like a woman couldn't have her vagina and get off on having a kid catch a glimpse. People are fucking sick out there. We all know it. But I'm just saying, I don't think that's a reason to not have, if there could be a dick in a bathroom,

in a women's bathroom on a trans person, that doesn't mean, I'm not protecting a little. If Poppy saw a penis and was like what's that i'd be like well some women are born with penises and um your brother has a penis and uh he was born you know like i would just explain it i wouldn't be i don't think that she would need like counseling to get over seeing a penis on a woman it all depends on the response to it yeah like i i think if you respond like oh my god you saw a penis oh my god how dare you

then she'd be traumatized by penises forever totally if instead you're just like yeah some people have penises yes then it'd be fine okay i wanted to get to reddit that's what my mom was getting at okay oh we're gonna go to break and then we're going to come back for Reddit Dump. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Anya has one more story about swinging things around. wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Anya has one more story about swinging things around. When my friend came out as a lesbian, and I was like, I did not respond in a way that I wish I would have. I was like, you are not gay.

You are more guy crazy than me. You have slept with more guys than I ever have. I remember she was like trying to help me understand that she really, really loved girls. And she goes, there is nothing like having a woman on top of you with her breasts swinging around. I was like, and? And she's like, that's it. Like, there's just nothing like seeing a woman's breasts swinging from side to side. The way that makes me feel when I hear like, and? And she's like, that's it. Like, there's just nothing like seeing a woman's breasts swing from side to side.

The way that makes me feel when I hear it, I don't have any, that does not do anything for me. So it kind of proves it. I was like, wait, what are you guys doing? Yeah, that was it for her. And that's nice to hear that she doesn't mind like utter tits. Like, you know, like we we all i've talked about this like when your tits hang down and look like cow udders it's like and they lose like their fat on the sides and they just they almost have like a bell jar type look to them that it's one of my

most can't wait to get this bra off oh god i that's that is why women wear bras when they're on top sometimes, I think. Yeah. Anti-Belger. But it's nice to hear that another woman doesn't mind it and she would love to see them swinging around. Yes. And you were just like, and? And she's like, that's it.

Does that not prove it to you? I was like, no, it kind of does, actually. Also when they're just... This is sorry. This is immature. But she was like, when when they're just, this is sorry, this is immature. But she was like, when they just drag their vagina down my chest, it's the most amazing thing. I was like, you're gay. I got it.

When they just slug down my chest and leave a snail trail with their vagina. I've never done that to anyone. Try it, cucumber. Mark my man. yeah mark my man that is such a weird move but it would make me laugh so hard if i i i love doing funny bits though so i could see myself doing that and just being like hold on i'm just trying something just say and he'd be like glaze what are you doing i'd be like wait a second just i gotta get i gotta get this and it's just like a a marker going

he's mine let's get to reddit dump okay so um this is okay this i found this last night i was like oh my god i can't wait to hear noah and anya's thoughts because it's about a subject that i like to talk about with them and brian i guess i'll hear your thoughts too um you'll like it too this is called this is from true off my chest and it says concern my daughter may have caught my husband cheating she says i just tried posting this uh but i'll just get some story i was bathing our two daughters five and two about a week ago when i was drying them off my daughter was talking about being naked and how well i didn't even realize this was going to connect my daughter was talking about being naked and how you're only naked in private and for things like taking a bath i told her yes that's true sorry then she said that lady was naked on daddy

i was confused what do you mean daddy and that lady were naked there she pointed to our bed what the fuck no i asked her who the lady was and she shrugged like she obviously didn't know i can't think of what possible scenario she could have seen that could have been misconstrued as a naked woman on my husband. My mind was kind of blown and I can't stop thinking about what she claims she saw. He's on his phone a lot, always texting people. I haven't asked him why. He always has his phone glued to him, even in the shower.

I feel uncomfortable demanding he hand over his phone. He gets up very early to go to the gym now. Going to the gym isn't new for him, but he used to go work now sometimes he goes before work and after work he is constantly this is the interesting part he's constantly horny and has been for the past few months i've asked him what's wrong with him he says he doesn't know but it's like he's 18 again and he's constantly getting hard and can't stop thinking about sex he's never had a problem in this area and he was also never like this he's become obsessed with sex and constantly wants it at first it was flattering and i felt desired and he wanted it seemingly from me so often so often that i never imagined he could be cheating now i'm wondering why did

he suddenly go from being a normal man with a normal health sex drive to being a teenage boy she says none of these things by itself is super suspicious other than what my daughter said and then she goes on to like what should i do and everyone everyone including every man that wrote back to this said someone wanting to have sex all the time is a hundred percent a sign of cheating when you get sex your sex drive goes up and so the more you get it the more you want it so she was thinking he's on sex all the time so why would he be cheating if i'm having sex with him like twice a day that actually is a sign of someone being this is what what ester perl talks about like when people cheat it actually makes them like sort of like a not a better partner but

like it ignites them for their actual partner and just like, you know, going off and cheating. And it's not just the sex part of it. It's probably like the pursuit and, you know, feeling like someone's attracted to you and like the whole thing. And then he comes home and he's still horny for his wife.

Yep. And this was, there was a great advice given to this woman. There's a, I guess a site you can go on that can send anonymously a text to you saying, you've been exposed to an STD, get a test. Oh.

And it gives you a link to go get a test. And if he got that text and doesn't share that with her and says, I just got this fucking text. Did you get this? Then he's taking care of it on his own. And that's probably a thing. The sign're a man who uh-huh or that if he's just if he doesn't go babe i just got this weird std text what the fuck is this like someone who's not cheating is not gonna go i have an std from college 10 years but like if you're if you've been married for 10 years or whatever you don't have an std is this

a site that's set up to trap people uh no i think it's just a device that's up like someone came up with a site to give to people that like may be ashamed that they gave someone an std or something and just warns them and this person is came up with that idea she has what her kids said i think that's like strong enough to have a conversation about it. Well, everyone's telling her now install cameras. You have to get full proof. Like don't accuse your husband of cheating until you can get proof because he can delete everything,

get everything cleaned up. And then you look crazy and you can't get the money that you need in the divorce. And you can't like, so she, everyone's telling her install cameras, go away for the weekend and get it on camera. If you're a true master cheater, then you will respond to that text in the right way. And you imagine if you were cheating, you get that STD test and then you go to your wife and you say, what the fuck is this? Can you believe this?

Wait, are you cheating on me? This guy's not a master. That's the ultimate gas front of his gaslighting yeah I mean can you imagine this guy having sex in front of his five-year-old with another woman he's swinging his dick around she probably won't remember also as I do agree that

um having sex can ignite your sex drive and you can want more sex but as somebody who was involved with somebody that was uh cheating and lying about it the opposite is also true there's so much shame associated sometimes with what they're doing especially if they're a sex addict that they can also be completely like impotent and like not know what's going on and that can happen out of the blue because

it's catching up to them they're getting guilty they're feeling trapped etc etc yeah i just think that most people would think no he has sex with me all the time he can't be cheating and i just don't that was the first i had ever heard of people going like no no no that's actually a heightened sex drive out of nowhere is actually a sign that something could be awry also the the advice that they're giving her is like presuming that she would want to get divorced like does she want to break up with him if he's cheating on her or is it something that's repairable i think having sex with a woman in front of your child is there's no repairing that and i'm someone if i got cheated on i would forgive the person but not if they fucked in front of my five-year-old take it to a motel come on what are you doing why are you doing

i mean i'm sure he had the kids that weekend. Oh my God. You couldn't even bear to take a second? So gross. Okay. This is another one from... Maybe it's the babysitter. Oh no. Oh. Kid would have been like,

it's Cassidy. Yeah, you're right. Okay. So this one is from No Stupid Questions. And I think this is a question that everyone asks and no one really ever has the answer to. In fact, Brian, this was posed recently when we were all hanging out and you looked up a podcast to find the answer to it

and we really didn't get one. Yes. But the question is from No Stupid Questions. Why is cocaine being laced with fentanyl? Fentanyl-laced cocaine has been in the news causing a lot of deaths. But why would drug dealers want to lace their drugs with an extremely deadly drug like fentanyl? That will draw way more attention to both their enterprises and killing their clientele, which would be bad for business.

Anybody able to explain? Do you guys want to take a stab at this before I tell you the answer? Yeah, so I looked up a podcast, which I won't name because I'm not going to throw shade at a podcast, but this podcast did not answer the fucking question. The title of the podcast was that question. We listened to it for 30 minutes, and it was just leading us on with YouTube-style teasers for 30 fucking minutes. But before we answer why fentanyl is put into drugs... Let's go back 20 years ago to the Reagan administration.

Yeah, exactly. Just tell us. Yes, exactly. But this question gets asked all the time because it does seem counterintuitive. Why would you want to kill your clientele? Why are this thing that a microscopic level can definitely kill someone?

Why would you mix stuff with that? I think it's stupid. And I know the answer. I have two theories. One is that somehow, I don't know if this is true or not, so if somehow it gives their user a better high, then maybe they'll get more addicted to it

and then they'll wind up buying more despite the risk. And secondly, it's potentially maybe lacing it with fentanyls cheaper than the actual drug, so they're just kind of filling it out like a filler. Those are my two reasons. I strongly disagree with you, Brian. I'm just kidding. It's correct.

I'll start by saying this someone commented and these are all just commenters so if you know better than this please let us know but this all seemed to make sense to me for the first time someone said that people saying that

drug dealers would cut cocaine with fentanyl is insane I can't imagine it would make it stronger it's a downer and would work against the upper so fentanyl is a. I can't imagine it would make it stronger. It's a downer and would work against the upper. So fentanyl is a downer. Cocaine's an upper. It doesn't make sense to cut them together. Okay. Here's the real reason. I don't know if you guys know this. I've seen a couple of episodes of intervention. I didn't know that people can be addicted and regularly use fentanyl and not overdose. That it is a street drug that actually is people buy and they use and they

use it in a way that they do not od that people like have a tolerance for so like people that die of fent overdoses usually have never done any fentanyl so it's the first time it's in their system they od they don't have a tolerance but fentanyl is a street drug that is sold so the answer is coming here with firsthand knowledge, says this person. Cocaine dealers would not add fentanyl as a cutting agent unless they are crazy. It is cross-contamination the vast majority of times. One has to understand that drug dealers are not keeping their different drug stashes safe from one another. One custody customer comes in for fent, then the next for cocaine. Same table, scale, scooper, etcoper etc plus most drug dealers are also high and

absolute wrecks shit sometimes the fent is white powder so it could easily be given to someone by accident luckily when i was dealing fent didn't exist although i did give people ketamine instead of coke a few times i also did that to myself which is somewhat hilarious as the first pooter is a doozy i don't know what pooter means i didn't even know what custody meant but i guess assume customer but um that's the reason it's it's being these guys are dealing fentanyl too and using the same scales and stuff so it's like you know a trace of accident but not that specific that is fascinating i thought it was pretty interesting hasn't coke always been laced with stuff and also like in the way that the whole drug thing works,

it's not like the drug dealer is the one who is getting it from wherever it comes from. There's layers of people. So maybe he's cutting it or she's cutting it with stuff to try to make more of a profit. Right. Like baby laxative with cocaine and all that stuff. I never knew why people had diarrhea when they did coke but it's not that because it wouldn't make sense for the effect of

that they're going for but okay it's an accident it is crazy how many people are dying of it constant sorry that brian was wrong but noah was right i just like the way noah said it no i'm sorry i'm trying to look up pooter i was i yeah like the way Noah said it. I'm trying to look up pooter. Yeah, what's pooter? The first time you get high? I'm trying to look up pooter in a drug contest. We all know that pooter can mean vagina. People have said that before. Or like fart?

It could also mean fart. Pooter was your butthole. There is disagreement online about what pooter means. In fact, one of the Urban Dictionary definitions is saying, pooter means even in fact one of the urban dictionary definitions is saying pooter does not mean vagina everyone knows that pooter is a butthole so but i don't see anyone using this in a drug context or getting high context okay well well you knew there's always a first if you had a first pooter you'd know it's a fucking doozy. Okay, I liked this question. This is from a podcast that I don't listen to,

but they have a subreddit that I like some of the posts because it's all about, I think it's a podcast about diet culture and making fun of it and poking holes on it, which I love. So I guess the podcast is called Maintenance Phase. If anyone listens to it, let me know why I should listen to it and steer me to some episodes. But for some reason, I like their subreddit. So I liked this question.

Which anti-fat media hurt your soul as a kid slash teenager? Do you guys remember any specific things? You know, the Jessica Simpson fat pic, quote unquote, fat picture. Like, are there any things that stand out to you as a teenager? And Brian, this could be like for like male, you know, the, like the ideal male body, like an Abercrombie bag or something.

You know what I mean? Like where you just cemented in your head, like, Oh, this was a formative moment. And now I need to be that. I'm just shaking. I have so many. I remember opening the victoria's secret

catalog and uh i was with china and we were probably um sophomores and we're looking at the victoria's secret catalog and there was france french chess french swaz i forget her name she's a famous model she had like a cool angular jaw and she was just beautiful. And oddly, in some tiny way, I looked a little bit like her. She looked a little Slavic. She had like kind of droopy eyes like I do. And she had a curvier body like I did. Chyna was very skinny and wiry. And as she was developing, her body was more like something Stephaniehanie seymour like looked like so stephanie seymour if you don't know was a victoria's secret model huge breasts and just ripped just skinny and ripped and that was china's body type and i was leaning a little more toward francoise whatever her name was and i was like looking in victoria's secret and china goes she points at the one i was looking at and

she goes oh i'd kill myself kill myself if that was my stomach. And I was like, if what was your stomach? And it was like, my stomach was slowly developing into this curvier, but beautiful. And it's a Victoria's Secret model

that she'd kill herself. Yeah, I'd kill myself if that was my stomach. I was guessing that she knew that you related to that one and was trying to be mean. Probably, maybe. Sorry, Chyai if you're listening but yeah i was just like i have a feeling that her brain was doing that to hurt your feelings

what are yours probably jealous mine is immediately uh i'm a slave for you video britney spears her stomach in that um the lines going down it and just just the way, just her low slung pants and her perfect, it's not even like a six pack. It would just look dehydrated, like a dehydrated stomach. And Brittany like pulling it all the way down. I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.

Her pulling it all the way down. And then that little like on the back, I will never have it. The other day I saw a girl and I was like, I love the way your back and like goes into your butt and it like slopes like this. Like mine's always like, like it has like, it just goes straight down.

Hers went like, whoop, like you could skateboard on it. Oh yeah. Like that little, that part of your back that goes like that. Brittany had a perfect one. Isn't that like a posture thing? It definitely is. Like I definitely probably have more calcium buildup

because I don't sit properly. And so I don't have that centaur bomb that comes off the back. And then I think Jennifer Aniston, her definitely low-slung, low-rise jeans with crop tops. And her arms always looking really

really thin. But you never had a moment of anti-fat? The joints look giant and then Like someone messaging you like these are all things you were doing in your head. You never heard, like wasn't there a moment where someone or something said something and you're like, oh

I gotta be. See, I was thinking more like things from pop culture. there a moment where someone or something said something and you're like oh i gotta see i was thinking more like things from cult like pop culture um no mine were always i no one ever one time some guy came up to me and said i had dumps like a truck or something but he was talking about my thighs and he like or no he said i had thighs like what i'm sorry i did the wrong lyric he said i had thighs like what because i was sitting on something and my thighs were like splayed out you know like your thighs look like a puddle of hell when you sit down and every girl relates to this um and so i remember being like oh my god my thighs are like i have like thick thighs and i like hated that but um no i was pretty thin child i was a pretty thin girl growing up so I never worried

about like looking I was I never felt fat until I was fat and then um I remember just saying I wanted to kill myself and all my friends being like Jesus fucking Christ Nikki we just want to go to the mall put on a pair of jeans and I was like none of them fit and I was in my dark room and I was on my bed screaming crying and they were all like we're just gonna go and I to go. And I'm like, go. Cause none of my fucking stupid express jeans fit. Cause I had gained so much weight. Cause I ate 18 bowls of cereal every day after school. Um, but then my most formative, I will say I was eating so much cereal at this point in my life and just like eating constantly in high school. And my aunt Lynn said I would never get a boyfriend and that i um i you she told my parents you can't let her eat like this this is disgusting no no one should eat this much she's

never gonna get a boyfriend and i didn't want a boyfriend so i was like gobble gobble like whatever keeps the boys away like i don't want to get a date like i hate boys they're gross um i was scared of them and so um i um i remember that and um but not it was mainly i just knew that my body didn't look like the things that everyone said was perfect and so i deduced from that like i don't need someone to tell me i'm fat i can see it when they go or oh you know the biggest part the biggest, the biggest part, the biggest thing. Final thought. I think the biggest thing that every woman notices when she starts to feel like her body isn't enough is that you see someone with a better body than you talking shit about

their body. And then you go, okay, well, then clearly I'm a fucking trash bag, you know, slot pig. Like that's what I am. Mine was my mom. She was so much smaller than me and she would say she was fat. And so I would go, mom,

then what am I? And she'd go, it looks different on you. You know, like that bullshit. So it's like, she didn't mean to. My mom just had a bad self-esteem

when it came to her body. She didn't have any, like she just grew up in diet culture. Yeah, they called her pig woman. She was called pig woman as a child. Yeah, she, there was no, she was not going to help me out in that regard by setting good body examples.

She had, there was nothing she could have done, but it's mainly that where you, yeah, you just hear someone else disparaging themselves and you go, well, I would kill to look like her and she hates herself. So I guess she would step in front of traffic if she looked like me i should probably do the same noah do you remember any well i guess just like looking at like the delia's catalogs or

like what was it like it was uh roxy or like silver something where it was just like these like really young pretty like surfer girls they were like blonde and they just always looked like so beautiful in like the glimmering sunlight and I'm just like this pimply misshapen teenager

yes tiny little blonde surfer girls that was the time of like Kate Bosworth and even that one girl that got her arm bitten off by a shark. I was like, I guess she's thinner than me now. She weighs less now. Never gonna have that slender of an arm.

I don't relate though. I don't relate though. To having weight issues. For me, I just always felt misshapen. Like my body was irregular shaped. But it was never about weight for me. People were always like, yes, figure skaters are fat.

So same for you, Anya. It was more about the shape. I wish this part of my body was a different shape. Yeah. I wish I was taller. I wish my legs were longer. Why do I have these thick legs? Just bullshit.

It's all a fucking lie. Well, I'll tell you, when I got anorexic, I had the perfect body. I am tall. I looked like a supermodel body-wise. I really nailed it. That's what I'm saying.

I will say that I got the body I wanted and was not happy. I was skinnier than Jennifer Aniston. I remember looking in catalogs and being like, oh my god, I'm thinner than fucking Jennifer Aniston. Suck it, bitch. I have more self-control than you. I hear that you actually enjoy a

tortilla chip every now and again with Brad at Casa Vega. I would never do that. I'm better than you. Yeah, you remember that. I knew Anya would know that reference but i i but i i never relate to the shape thing because i guess um mine was always just like well now i do like my my i hate that i don't have a butt or i don't have a um and then my head looks like a cucumber is my new thing but it's never and it did in high school and kirsten's laughing again

right now if she's listening to this because she knows that i looked like a tired pale cucumber so untrue and so i want to try to find the picture of the original cucumber picture because no one could argue because i used to straighten my hair like jennifer aniston with an ironing board um with an iron on the ironing board in my dad's uh room um in his dressing room and he would come down and say it smells like burnt hair down here it smells like the holocaust and i'd be like boy are you a fan he would say that i go what why do you know what that smells like why are you referencing that right now he's like this is probably what it smelled like i'm like what oh my god i mean it kind of probably did for me i was

like uh i wanted my arms to be bigger i wanted my legs to be bigger um but like i wasn't looking at other celebrities and stuff and getting sad i think i don't know if this is true for other young boys but like i would um when i would see like a strong guy, I'd be like, whoa, that is so cool. Look at that strong guy. Like a wrestler or like Goku and Dragon Ball Z. I wouldn't be like, I wish my arms were that big. I feel like a piece of shit. I'd be like, whoa, that guy's strong.

Why do we internalize it as like we're bad because we're not that? Because of patriarchy. But it's not their fault. Like's doing this why are we like that i think it's because we're smarter because i think it's smart to go i honestly this moves back to me being like i deserve to be depressed about something i think women are smart they go that girl's getting a lot of love for looking like that if I looked like that I could get more love I don't just go wow good for her I go well how am I gonna get that love I want to find a way to

um to gather that kind of attention well isn't that painting the men in a more in more selfless individuals who are just celebrating another man's body no you guys are just gonna like we're going like whoa look how fucking strong this dude is there's like an alpha dog there's like an alpha dog mentality like if someone walks in that big

it's like oh shit yo this guy is awesome right that's so it's sweet i'm not i don't mean it's dumb i don't think men are stupid i really don't um please don't take me as like a feminist who's like all men are fucking dumb cavemen but i do think there's something different about that where a man can just like admire a woman or a man's body and go that's good for him like cool and a woman goes i hate her because i want to be her and because i'm not her i don't deserve to be alive at least that's where i go with it listener you might be like i don't do that but you're right like it is smart i like that spin but it's true we have to be the best the prettiest like they pit us against each other at a very early age you're you're competing to try to be

the prettiest we need men to want to put semen in us so we make more things so subconsciously we're trying to make more of our species whereas men back in the day sorry back in the day like caveman days you just rape us you didn't need us to like actually be attracted to you we needed you to be attracted to consent we needed guys to want to fuck us guys didn't need us to want to fuck you because it wasn't an option we couldn't go i like you wouldn't it adapt more to today's standards since like you know like rape obviously is like not good and men cannot well noah live in society hold on no wait you disagree no no i think you're right i don't think

we've caught up yet i see what you're saying like yes like i wonder why men don't have more of that like emotional response i just think i think now they. I just think it's women are- I think now they do. I think it's starting. I definitely know that my boyfriend is in admiration. He admires people's hairlines, but he doesn't seem to hate himself for not having the hairline that he wants. He's like, yeah, it'd be nice. And I know that he's thinking about stuff,

but he's not like, I don't deserve Nikki because my hairline is not good. Whereas when I am not feeling my best, I'm like, I don't deserve your attention or love. You should go find someone else. That's more attractive. That's where my mind goes.

Well, I'm unlovable just to defend the cavemen. They, yes. Yeah, please. Like they are, they have to worry about their bodies too,

because they had to be big and strong so that they could A, rape and then also defend themselves against the other men who would try to stop them from raping the women that they wanted to rape. Or that they were like, I want to rape her.

You get off of her. And so they have to pull off the guy that's raping her before they got to her. It's not about how I look. It's about being strong and big so that you can beat the shit of all these guys who are trying to steal your corn. So why don't you guys internalize themselves yeah we don't yeah why don't they hate themselves for

it because that would actually hurt your species if you hated yourself but then why would we do it it goes back to what anya was saying about the podcast you were listening to and how just like men handle their emotions differently so they just go back to that i think it's how we were raised and all the messaging we've gotten ever since we're just tiny little girls they're telling us you're gonna be a mommy someday oh you're so pretty here's a little dolly be a mommy to that and so you're like okay i have to do this thing and i have to be pretty and cute and dainty like to have gi joe toys and he man and they see muscle bound things and superheroes like why aren't they why don't they they're not

allowed to cry and that's what they have to triumph over and we aren't allowed to love ourselves and that's what we have to triumph over yeah but i have a he man i have yes i had a he man i had you know what though i had a he man i had a wrestlers all big muscle-bound guys i had goku and gohan from dragon ball z but then i also had like luke skywalker who was like had no muscles at all and although he didn't get laid in star wars so maybe that's okay neither did he man really yeah i didn't remember he man getting laid a lot princess leia Princess Leia I think everybody wanted to fuck her

Did I want to have sex with Princess Leia? No did you want Luke to? No No I mean Once I found out that they were brother and sister I certainly was like well that's not This guy wanted to fuck his sister the whole trilogy Wait they are?

I didn't know that either. I thought that was weird. Have you ever seen Star Wars? I know that he's his father or whatever. Like, Darth is his father, but I didn't know that they were brother and sister. Yeah, the whole movie looks like, I want to fuck my sister.

And then it's like, It's disgusting. He's attracted to his sister. Wait, does he know it's his sister? No. Well, at first he doesn't know he's his sister, but the whole trilogy, it's like, damn, she's fucking hot. I want to fuck her so bad and then at the end of the movie it's like by the way i'm your sister and he's like oh shit never mind all those things

it's not that weird because i think most men who have a hot sister if it wasn't their sister they'd be like i'm attracted to that girl if they were like separated at birth. I mean, the only reason you go, I don't want to fuck this person is because of like the context. If there's no context for brother or sister, of course you'd want to fuck that person. I don't know, I think if you think someone's hot for a trilogy, like that's like five years.

Just hearing some information, you're not going to all of a sudden be like, oh, you're not hot at all anymore. It is funny when you like see someone with a hot sister and you're like i know you want to you would want to fuck her like there's just no way like based on all the women you're attracted to there's just no way you wouldn't want to fuck that person that is looks like all the girls that you go for yeah there's just no way so you're busted you're busted i want to fuck my sister if i was a a boy, I would 100% go, my sister's fuckable.

I would not deny it. My sister is fuckable. She's very hot. I even say my dad is a very attractive man. If he was a single man and I'd be like, oh, that guy's a handsome guy.

I don't want to fuck my dad. But like, I can acknowledge when someone is fuckable to other people without being like, I want to. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, then if you'd go into it knowing that it's a family member and you can just acknowledge that they're an attractive person but you didn't have those years of being like, I want to fuck this person.

Oh yeah. That would be hard. It'd be hard to switch. It would take at least a few scenes. Biochemically supposedly. In Star Wars it was like, what? And he cuts his own dick off basically.

It's supposed to make you want to vomit if you get around their pheromones. Oh yeah, that's true. Like if someone's pheromones make you go like, Oh God, their body smells. I always think like,

Oh, that means we're probably related or something. Or our baby would have like an arm coming out of its head. And so that's my body being like, don't fuck this person. You have two chromosomes that would match. Speaking of chromosomes, I have been listening to podcasts

about down syndrome people i'm obsessed um i've learned so much about them um and i want to talk about it more and if you um are the parent of a down syndrome kid i really want to know what your experience is like so please write me about that and tell me the hardships and like the good ships because i kind of am thinking i might someday adopt someone with Down syndrome. I'm kind of love Down syndrome people. And maybe that's me making them like, they're a pet or something, but it's not. I just, if I got to choose what kind of kid I want,

I think I'd want that kind of kid. I think they're awesome. So yeah, I've listened to this, what is it? Stuff You Should Know podcast about Down Syndrome people and they even say it on there. We're not saying all Down Syndrome people are really nice

and always in a good mood, but we have yet to meet one in our whole life experience that isn't. So we're not saying that it's all, but please, they're even asking, is there any example of someone with Down syndrome who's like a karen you know like but maybe there are i just want examples so that's my um i wanna i want people

and maybe and if you think that what i'm saying is disgusting and and i'm treating them like they're a pet or something like i'm gonna get one uh you can also tell me that and i'll shut my trap and and do better but okay so that's it for the podcast this week. Thank you for listening. Come see me on tour. Watch FBoy Island October 12th. It comes out on the CW. Go DVR it right now so you don't miss it.

And right now it's airing on Thursdays, the second season. So you can just watch some random episodes. It's airing in order, but I think it's like more than halfway through the season at this point on the CW. Everyone has it if you have cable. And season three starts October 12th. And my tour starts September 15th. Go check out all the tour dates at NikkiGlaser.com. I would love besties in the audience.

Thank you so much for listening. Don't be cuck. And just save the beat. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app,

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