The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #375 New Friends, A Porsche Driving Experience & Cameras Are Everywhere!

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

Nikki is intrigued by Anya's tea date with a new friend. Why can Nikki bare her soul on stage but feels so uneasy at the thought of being on a date? Chris' big birthday surprise is revealed and it ends with Nikki eating salad out of a bag. Brian is perplexed with his wife's obsession about putting things into bags. Nikki has a new stressor, cars hitting a curb. Anya faces a conundrum involving a neighbor caught on her security camera. Nikki is back in her stomping ground, St. Louis, she shows Chris a sad dog trick that Luigi can do. In the Final Thought, Nikki and Anya give opposing reviews for Oppenheimer. . Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Welcome to the show. It's Nikki Glaser. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Sorry I'm distracted. I am texting about a flight that my assistant needed a book. Cool, cool issues. Hi, everyone. I am back home in St. Louis. I have wet hair. I just want to say this is a wet hair pod. I didn't have time to get ready for this. Life is busy. And so if you want to see me with wet hair and see it get gradually dry over the course of the next hour,

pop onto YouTube and check us out. I am in my studio with my two dogs. No one else is here, but Anya and Brian and Noah are all here. Hey, guys, how's it going? I thought you were referring to us as your dogs. I'm here with my dogs. I'm just going to accept it. I didn't think that.

I assumed she was talking about her real dogs. And I also want to answer the question. I'm doing fine. Thank you. I can't see you guys at all because I guess my internet is not allowing me to see your video. So I'm just talking into the ether. But this is technology. Who gives a fuck?

This is 2023. And we just lost Brian. But he'll be back. Don't worry about it. Anya, what are you up to this morning? What's going on? I've had a new friend. I had a meeting with a new friend.

I met someone for tea. She was a friend of a friend. I just met her. Wait, hold on. Anya, you guys, calm down. Anya's still saying the word tea. It's still going on. Did you hear the length on that tea did you hear

go back and listen besties go back and listen and hear the length on the word tea it's because i love it so much you wanted you're savoring it even the word uh you met someone for tea yeah i met someone for tea and on the way home I was like, good job girl Because you don't take many risks in adulthood with new friends And it was just nice that I said yes to that We might be walking buddies, is this me moving into my senior years? I don't know, we might go for walks together That's nice That's so fun, can we ask how you met this friend?

Because I have no idea It was just a woman I know was like, hey I know someone that lives in Kingston Um, that's so fun. Can we ask how you met this friend? I have no idea. It was just a woman I know was like, Hey, I know someone that lives in Kingston and she's new in town. And, uh, and then we, I was, we were just texting and I was like, I live by this coffee shop. And so we grabbed a tea. I was like, why not just say yes. It was nice. She was nice. It's just weird. Were you like nervous going into it? A little bit. Yeah. I was like, I'm blonde and I have a bob and I'm horny. No. It was fine, but it is always a little weird.

Was it awkward when you first met? I always like, that's always my like, when Brian was talking about going on a million dates on apps back in the day, my first question to people who go on app dates, it's like, how awkward is it when you're looking for each other and you like first see each other and kind of go, hey, and your eyebrows like raise,

like, hey. Like it's so awkward. I don't know why that part really gives me, as the kids say, the ick, but it really does. I, my whole,

it's what's, would prevent me, I can't be single ever again because of that awkward, the bell rings at the coffee shop. You're going to, and you look over and there's just someone going like, hey, I don't like it. And then the table approach where you have nothing to say to one another. And you just sit down and go like, hey, what do you say? I can't do it. Sometimes it's the wrong person sometimes you look at someone you give them the nod and they're not there for the date they're just there to go to get coffee

for themselves why can normal people do this and i can go on like and i can't or i can and i have done it before and so i'm not a complete i'm not talking from a place of complete like uh ignorance but why can i go on stage for an hour and talk into a microphone and have no problem with it and talk for hours i could go longer and talk for hours but i the idea of meeting with someone who you potentially could have sex with and anya this is not the person that you just met with but like it's too much on the table man i know why i know why because we are in control on stage. It is not an egalitarian relationship.

We have a little more power than the audience has. So we're comfortable. But in the other situation, you're supposed to both kind of have roughly the same amount of power. And it's just harder then. Yes. That's, you know, that's what hecklers like and comedians always say to hecklers, is like, you brought a knife to a gunfight. Like, I have a microphone. Don't do this right now.

Whenever you're on stage, at any point, you could just be like, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I want to talk about this. Or you could just start making fun of the person in front of you. On a date, those things won't work. You can't just be on a date and be like, I don't want to talk about squirrels anymore i want to talk about cars would do that brian i'm done talking about

this now please let's shift subjects this is boring yeah hey where'd you get that shirt you piece of shit sometimes i'll do that that's a good opener i'll just start you should write a book yeah i am i'm already figuring out ways for you to get out of this friendship like i knew you were gonna say that and um but i'm okay with it because like you know when people want to hang out and they um you know and you don't really want to what do you do i just am unavailable but i told it here's why I'm proud of myself. I've made strides in my life. First of all, I did not pay, which I think is a progress for me. Because in the past, I would have been like, I got you.

And then you set up this weird relationship again, where I have a little more power. Well, did she pay? Well, I got there early and I paid for my own. But she arrived just as I was getting ready to pay. And like in the past, Anya, you know, 1.0 would have been like, Hey,

just I'll get you to just to be generous. But then it sets up a weird thing. I feel like where I feel pressure. Yeah. Like I feel pressure to, or we're doing like a, you got me, you get me next time.

Like, what if I don't want it next time? Let's just do our own thing. Right. It sets up a next time. That's a good't want it next time let's just do our own thing right it's a zip it next time that's a good point yeah can i ask why why do you live in kingston great question uh it's matt's fault matt lives here and i why does matt live there honestly guys i think when uh the apocalypse happens i'm in one of the top 10 places in the u.s to be I really do believe that.

We're at a good elevation. We don't have hurricanes. We don't have earthquakes. We don't have tornadoes. We have had an ice storm like once in the last five years, which was not a huge deal. You don't have a grocery store

within 20 miles. Yes, we do. You don't have a Starbucks. Yes, we do. You don't. No, I kind of, I envy, I ask because I envy you. I want to live in a place

That's like a little less Congested and just kind of You can go Outside and not run into people All the time and you can just be out And listen to the birds I envy where you are and I wanted to know Why you're there and like what

What gave you the gall To live in a place that's not a big city. Every time I read about a musician, they are recording in Kingston or they're from there or they have a bassist that has a spot there. There's lots of musicians in Kingston. Was he drawn to it for that? No, the real estate was really cheap at the time that he bought his house. But now everyone's moving to Beacon, which is a little farther south. Everyone lives in Beacon or Germantown, or these are little places upstate, or Saugerties or New Paltz.

You know, SUNY New Paltz. So they're all around here. Woodstock has completely turned into Silver Lake on a Saturday afternoon. It's impossible to get in and out of there. As Nikki in the girls' chat knows, I tried to buy a table in Wood Lake on a Saturday afternoon. It's impossible to get in and out of there. As Nikki in the girls chat knows, I tried to buy a table in Woodstock on a Saturday and it was absolute hell. But yeah, I ended up here

because of Matt. So much traffic and it's a tiny one, like it's a one lane, I mean traffic one lane in each direction and it's just absolute hell like pedestrians what the hell to you because if you know compared to la traffic like as i mean when someone says hell in woodstock that's like 10 minutes of waiting whereas that would take you

you're so right you're so right i was getting angry and then i was like what are you angry about and i just thought about that great pete holmes special where he's like angry at everyone in la for using ways and he's like oh you're psyched you got there a minute earlier than me and you look like you had a nervous breakdown and you're covered in sweat meanwhile i'm just like zen in my car like he's like just shut up and sit in traffic listen listen to a podcast, and shut up. Just accept it. So I was doing that. I get if you're stressed to get somewhere, a minute or two minutes can make a huge difference.

But yeah, getting frustrated by traffic is kind of cool. It's so funny. You know how. Yes. It's kind of sweet. It's hack. Everyone's mad about traffic. It's just like, what, like, find something. It's hack, you know? Like, everyone's mad about traffic.

Be original. Find something new. Yeah. Isn't it interesting how when you're running late for something and you got that number on your Google Maps and it says you're going to arrive at 324 and you try to go so much faster, you risk your life and everyone around you to get there at 322 instead, as if that's going to make a difference to anybody. I know. It feels like when I'm driving, like, all right, it says 3.24,

but if I go 100 miles an hour and get there at 3.22, everyone's going to be okay with me being 22 minutes late. We were late the other day, too. For Chris's birthday, I got him the Porsche driving experience, which is this thing that one of my rich friends told me about that she did with her husband, where they go and you just drive two different Porsche cars. And he drives with an instructor.

And so he's on this big track out in San Pedro. It's like south of LAX. And so he didn't know what I had bought him. It was a surprise. So I was like, we have to be there by 2.30. We're supposed to get there. And I was shooting something on the beach for something up in Malibu. And I thought it was an hour away because I had wazed it the night before.

Because it's cool on Waze because you can see tomorrow at what time I want to get there, based on the traffic tomorrow. But they've been slipping man they've been slipping hard because they just they just give me the time for now and i think they just like kind of wing it for the next day they don't really know because it was an hour and a half to get down there in traffic and i was like chris we are supposed to be there at 2 30 but we are now getting there at 3 0 5 i was like oh my god it starts at three fuck like it starts at three. Fuck. It starts at

3, but they want you to check in at 2.30. We're fine if we get there by 3. But it's 3.05 and he's like, I will knock off 10 minutes because we had an hour and a half. So 10 minutes can be knocked off with an hour and a half drive if you are really doing some maneuvering. It was ironic because the whole way down there

he is driving like a Porsche race car driver and he was doing all these crazy things and he later apologized to me but I was like I have become immune to your weaving and uh you know you turning and weaving bobbing and weaving and like all the just gunning it and then going in the the the lane where it's like the side lane where people turn off if they have a flat tire, like going down that and then like zipping in front of someone who's on their phone to get in. Like he's really good at it.

We got honked at zero times. We got pulled over zero times. I felt unsafe zero times. He's good at it. So we got there and I was like, it's so crazy to just spend the last 90 minutes like Dale Earnhardt-ing it down here. Luckily, Dale Earnhardt Sr. down here luckily dale earnhardt senior because

i think he didn't die driving but anyway so then we get down there and he sees the place and he's like oh my god and he was like i've researched these places this one's the best one and we just walk in and they're waiting for us because sometimes when people see my name on a thing i paid for it so they just saw my name on the credit card because I put his name for all the things. Because I'm just there to sit and watch like a mom watching her toddler on the playground. There's like a whole area for moms to watch their little kids go out and drive around and go vroom vroom. But there was this woman waiting for me, waiting for us, right as we walked in. She had a lanyard for him with his name

on it and the cars he's driving on it like it's such like a kid's experience we're like grown adult men rich men and he was so excited but they had seen my name and she recognized me because she was a fan which is so nice so shout out to michelle from the porsche driving experience and they um hooked us up um and just well they didn't hook us up at all, to be honest with you. They were just nice to me. They gave me literally nothing. Actually, yes, they gave us one lap for free. Because at the end, she was like, because he goes for an hour and a half.

He's learning how to drive around this track. Like there's tons of tracks. It's like miles and miles of tracks. There's one that's i chris could explain it to you guys not that anyone really cares i mean some people might but there's this one part that there's like a skid like it's um there's only two of these little things in the nation i guess and you drive over it and it pulls a thing out from under your tires and it makes your tires go like and you have to like quickly like fix it and then you skid all over these like this um this tarp

thing that has a bunch of water on it so you go like and uh cool sound effects and then and so i watched him do that seven times like it was literally like watching your kid go down a slide like you go down the slide very slow by the way he was going 15 miles an hour when he did this part like there's nothing like it's cool because it's maneuvering tactics and he like learned how to be a better driver doing it so then at the end she michelle was talking to me she was like the woman i want to be she was like she's older than me but like just dressed perfectly great makeup great hair she like loves cars she's trying to talk to me about cars little does she know i have no interest in cars i don't know anything about them. She's talking to me about like, well, I have four 911s and I'm like,

oh my God, I love talking about 911. That's all we had in common was that she loved Porsche 911s and I like talking about 911. Not the same thing. It is 911, by the way. Shout out to survivors. Shout out. Big ups to all my

survivors of 911. Everyone who had anything to do with 9-11 besides people that did it I don't know what to say god damn it just move on anyway so she was like the coolest and she used to work on the Dennis Miller live show

she used to work on Just Shoot Me so we had like some friends she was a producer and now she's like I just love Portia She talks like this. She has like the greatest voice. Does she say Porsche or Porsche? Porsche. Oh, she said Porsche.

Sorry, I'm supposed to say Porsche. Okay, sorry. This isn't Ellen's wife. It says Porsche. Who says Porsche? When you guys see a Porsche, do you say Porsche? Oh, no, I say Porsche. No, I don't say Porsche. Who say say Porsche there should be an IA say it

oh let me ask you this do you have a Porsche and I was like I have my mom's beat up old Lexus that has a huge dent in the back because I rear ended as trailer recently it would be humiliating for I was like I don't I just Uber everywhere I was like I didn't even tell her what I drive because I don't even know the make and model of it it's I know the I guess the make but I don't know the model I don't know anything about cars it's so embarrassing when you're around someone who cares so much about it and she's like I just love this track look at that one over there and that's she's just like pointing out all the things and she's so smart and educated about all this and I felt like a real dum-dum and I was eating a salad out of a trash bag it was like we didn't have any bags at my hotel room and so I was like babe I told Chris because I went to go shoot this thing and I said hey but will you when you come to pick me up will you bring this

salad that's in the refrigerator because I didn't want to bring it with me because it was gotten too hot and so he's like sure and I was like you need to put it in a bag though because it's kind of kind of loose it's gonna break apart if you just put it in my like tote bag so all he had was trash bag so i'm eating the salad out of a trash bag and it's the wrong container yes in a container but in a trash bag and then oh and then i threw it away because the salad it was the wrong salad he picked one that was like four days old and i wanted him to bring the it was my fault i told him bring the wrong one. So it smelled so bad. It was disgusting. It was like all these like rotting vegetables. And so I threw it away in the trash.

I threw away my own car keys with the trash bag. So at the end of this whole thing, when we say goodbye and we walk out to like leave, we can't find my keys. And we've just said goodbye to like everyone that's been so nice to us there. We like had a great experience. The place is closing.

They're like so glad their day is done. And have to be like i lost my keys and i go back in and we're looking everywhere but the place is immaculate the keys are not there and i'm like i have a feeling i threw away the keys so then i have to dig through the trash this girl who doesn't even own a car and everyone there owns like 18 911s um they are all they're all staring at me digging chris goes through the trash finds the keys to our b thank god it was a bmw so i didn't look like a total idiot but i those that was just rented for me by this company that i'm working with so it didn't i had nothing to do with it um it was just so humiliating but they did at the end so when he gets done with his lesson he had so much fun it was like he was truly like

a child like he was like that was the coolest thing i've ever done if you if you want to give your husband or boyfriend or maybe your girlfriend if she's into this kind of thing the best gift ever if anyone in your life is into cars do a porsche driving experience in la or there's like these you can they're all these tracks are like all over the nation but the Porsche one is one of the best it would be the exact opposite for me I mean I would hate to be in the Porsche driving experience but Allie would

love it she would oh yeah she would love that I mean I one time I bought her a Mario Kart go karting racing experience which was like not as cool as it sounds, but it was fine. You know, there's like go-karts... No, it didn't sound cool at all.

So I want to make sure you didn't think I thought that sounded cool. Well, you can do like a... What is it? Sorry, I was just joking. You know what Mario Kart is, right? Of course. Okay, so you can do... They have regional races where you like participate in a mario kart go-karting race you know there's go-karts that go fast like it's not like go-karting

at a carnival it's like right fast go-karts that go around a track where there's a bunch of tires uh as the sides of the tracks you don't die yes i've done that it is fun and then they're regional yeah well i don't think you have to wear a suit well they give you just like yoshi and uh and like yeah yes yes you can wear a onesie suit so ally dressed up like yoshi and then i think i dressed up like luigi and we went to this thing and it's like a regional race and if you place in this race then you like go to las vegas and you race in like the big race in Las Vegas. Oh my God. So she didn't place. Um, well we went there and I hate this stuff. I get motion sick in vehicles like this. I can't handle any of it. And, um, but I was like, I don't know if I'm going to be here. I'm going to

try. And I just, I think it was because I was nauseous and dissociating from my body, but I had no, I was, I had reckless abandon for my own wellbeing. And I drove like a monster and I was cutting people off. I, I got yelled at multiple times, but you got to slow the fuck down from the people working there. Whoa. Where was this?

This was in, you know, someplace like 40 minutes outside LA. Okay. No, no, it wasn't there. And I wound up uh

coming in third place and beating Allie by one place oh my god yes yeah and I was like I don't know I just couldn't and I felt so sick I wanted to throw up I couldn't walk after I was done despite being horrible at it you were good I felt horrible but it was like i left my body and like because i didn't give a shit whether or not i lived or died i was just driving as fast as humanly possible not valuing your own life at that particular moment because i was so nauseous i i was driving this go-kart you felt so sick you were like, I want to just die. You wanted it to be over. You went faster. That was like a death wish. Alright, we have to go to break and then we'll hear more

about this when we get back. Or maybe we won't. I don't know yet. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. I have a question for you. Yes, Brian, what? Okay, so you know the type of car that's named after, don't say the name, the type of car that's named after a black jungle cat. It's like a kind of expensive car. Yes. Okay. Now say it in your head first. How do you say that word?

I know what you're going to say. How do you say that word? Yeah. I don't like how people pronounce this word either, but it's Jaguar and I don't like Jaguar. What? Wait. Hold on. What? What? jaguar wait what jaguar you say jaguar jaguar yeah see this is this is the problem jaguar this is jaguar like the band guar is that what you're supposed to say i say jaguar but some people say jaguar yeah yeah there's three ways that people say it. People that want to sound fancy in British go Jagua. Like Dracula. Jagua. And then there are people who say Jaguar,

which I believe is the way to say it. It just sounds like you're giving up. I'm on your team. Even though G-U-A-R is Guar, I get it, but I feel like it's Jaguar. Where'd you get wire? People say Jagwire, and I can't imagine it's Jaguar. I don't know. I just feel like- Where'd you get wire? There's no wire. People say Jagwire and it is, I can't imagine it's Jag, how do you pronounce it? I don't know.

I guess that's just my Midwest. I understand that it's not correct. Just like saying crayons or crowns or however people say it. It's not correct, but it's like regional for me and that is how I say it. And so, yeah, Jaguar. I just don't say Jagua. Jagua sounds like you're just like because you're not done with the word jaguar jaguar jaguar um china's mormon and she always

jaguar like i get stressed out talking about cars like even like there's too many models there's too many kinds there's too many cylinders chris is like many kinds. There's too many cylinders. Chris is like, the turning radius on this BMW is amazing. I'm like, then why doesn't everyone get this turning radius? Like, why doesn't this turning radius, why don't they copy this kind of turning radius and make it in all the cars if it's the best?

These seats are the best. Let's use all those seats. Let's just make one car that doesn't, I know I'm talking about like, we could do this for everything and people like variety but I just cars stress me out Chris wants me to get one I have to go pick up mine today from the shop that's why we're doing this podcast earlier um I'm stressed out about getting it because it's just uh it's it's old and it worries me all the time do you know what stressed

me out more than anything and I think did i already talk about this cars going over curbs no it's my add it to my list of things that fucking caused me so much anxiety when there's a car going over a curb and it kind of goes like boom boom and like in move in action movies in barbie there's a scene where they're being chased and the car goes over a curb and i'm like it just ruined the axle like it just bothers me that they just ruined this car for this little and if my car hits a curb or goes over a pothole I want to die

it stresses me out so much that happened to me the other day I got an oil change and I was waiting to pull out into a busy street and there was a traffic light there so there was a bunch of cars backed up in a line and I was waiting out to pull out into a busy street and there was a traffic light there. So there was a bunch of cars backed up in a line. And I was just hoping that someone would be polite enough to let me into that line. And somebody did.

And I was like, oh my God, thank God. Yeah, LA does that. The light turned green and like the lady was like probably in the wrong for letting me go. She like was really maybe too polite. People can be too nice. But I was going to pull into the street and then I pulled to the right and I was too close. And in front of everybody,

in front of the lady that helped me, I did a bump bump. And it's like, oh my God. Because not only did I embarrass myself, but I embarrassed the lady who was kind enough. She vouched for me. She vouched for me.

And I fucking bumped the curb in front of her and everybody. It's so embarrassing. There's something, I would rather just hit a wall and just like start smoking and get all dented. Then it just, then it continue going after it's been bumped. I don't know why. It just like, there's something about it that reminds me of when I was a kid and I got a Barbie doll. It still stresses me out to this day.

Like I'm tensing up. I have to go to therapy later today. I'm going to my somatic therapist who talks about like what does your body do when you talk about things and this is like causing me a lot of like i want to get small um i got a little mermaid barbie doll for easter one year maybe it wasn't little mermaid because it feels too no it was definitely little mermaids it was like 91 first grade and her fucking bangs were bent in a way that I knew was like a manufacturing error and I could not handle it

that this Barbie is supposed to be perfect it is perfect it is in a box it was bought new but it's bangs are bent in a weird way and I was hurling myself throughout my parents minivan and it was one of the times where they looked at them each other and were like she's crazy and I kind of like knew I was and I was like I can't control

this though like I can't stand that this thing is now has like a little bit of damage to it that ruins the entire thing so when my car goes over one of those things I just feel like the alignment has now been set on straight and now it is imperfect and I've ruined everything because I'm stained and I did something wrong like it is such a childhood trauma thing of like

why can't things be just perfect I want them to stay perfect as I look at a room that is almost hoarder levels beyond like behind this camera

hoarder levels of crap that I can't get out of my life even though Chris we've moved in together and I came home last night to our new apartment because he changed a lot of things while I was gone for the past two months. And he changed them in great ways.

But I was like, he was cleaning out the podcast room because he had put a bunch of stuff in here as he was organizing other stuff. And I was like, I am so sorry. I have so much fucking crap. And he was like, no, you've actually done a really good job of getting rid of stuff so i have done something but it never ends can we just stop putting jewelry in little pouches little velvet pouches i'm tired of things coming in pouches i'm tired of little i have too many little things do you know i'm talking about when i say that

why does everything have to have a bag with it why does everything have to have little buttons that come with it or like a little sack of buttons or a little like a little extra bag of string and coats like i'm tired of little things you ever order something from amazon and it's usually from china and then they give you like a little gift that you didn't ask for along with this thing. What the fuck is that? Oh, God. Or Etsy. They send you like 18 stickers plus a, you know, another little box, like a, yeah, a

little gift with it. I'm going to remember this company. Directly to the trash. And then I stress out though because I'm throwing away something that like someone might go, oh, I love this. You know, like someone might love that little love this you know like someone might love look at this little pouch i have this pouch it came with my noise canceling headphones but it's good because i use this pouch all the time for this little cable that connects my uh headphones to

my computer or the the airplane when i'm watching stuff a better person than me i don't have anything i don't think that way of like i'll put this little thing in this little me. I don't have anything. I don't think that way of like, I'll put this little thing in this little thing. I just don't. I don't think that way. Brian, you even said that Allie, during your vows,

you were like, I'll always love you. Like, you know how the thing that people do in vows, Brian did it too, where they like take something that they're annoyed by their spouse about, but they go, and I even love you for this thing. And it's like,

you know, an annoying thing. And he's, one of the things was he loves her for taking things out of little bags and putting them in, in littler bags or something. I think you've explained it to already on the podcast, but I don't,

I still don't understand what that is. Yeah. It's only annoying because of when she decides to do it. And usually it's like when we need to like leave the car, get ready to go to a thing. Allie has this thing where she needs to be, I call it just being comfortable. Like, I don't know about you, but I don't need to be comfortable at any point

at any time of the day. Like if you're feeling like a little hot or a little thirsty or a little tired, I just keep going. I just keep barreling through the day until I finally collapsed in my bed in a heap of agony. And then your bed is uncomfortable. Yes. You're 6,000 dollars.

But Allie is like, we've got to stop and we've got to address this so that I'm 100% comfortable. comfortable and so one of those things is taking stuff out of bags and putting them into other bags so that there isn't too many things in one bag or she has everything she needs in a littler bag and it takes a really long time and I find it to be entirely unnecessary because like yeah just take the whole bag or it doesn't matter if this is in that bag or that's in this bag yeah Chris is like that too yeah He likes to be efficient. Yes. I don't know what it is actually. Honestly, that's the other thing. I don't understand it. I don't understand

why that thing needs to be in that bag. Is it a purse situation or are they like plastic bags? What's inside these bags? All sorts of fucking bags. All sorts of bags. I don't even know what she's moving from one bag to the next bag. All I know is that it takes about 15 minutes. And it's in the car?

Sometimes it's in the car. Sometimes it's like as we're getting ready to go. And it's like, hold on, I got to move my sunglasses. I had my sunglasses in my fanny pack. And now I need to take it out of my fanny pack and put it into my sunglass case, which is inside my backpack. And then I need to take my water bottle out of my backpack and put it into my smaller bag that i'm going to carry with me by hand it's like why are you doing this just efficient he doesn't want to waste and he doesn't want to carry anything that he doesn't need to carry he wants to bring everything that is the right amount and have a bag for it that is

the perfect size for that but it's not efficient because it takes 15 minutes to organize the bag i would agree i don't understand how slow people move and that is sometimes my boyfriend even though i understand why he does it because he doesn't forget things he doesn't lose things but the way he like opens bags like if i even touch his bag like i know i have to like hold the zipper like like i have to hold where the zipper starts and then pull the zipper whereas i would just like grab at my zipper without holding the bag so the whole bag would move with my zipper and i'd yank it you know but when i touch his bags i have to be like careful careful open it delicately like it's like i'm almost doing surgery gonna go it's like it's it's actually going great

because he doesn't care that I'm messy. Can it be a reality show? Because I would watch every episode of this. He is now, for a guy who eats Emo's pizza, which is literally,

it kind of smells like a dumpster. Like it is, I worked there in high school. It's gross. It's bad for you. I worked there in high school. It's gross. It's bad for you. There's no question of it. He's crazy about water

and plastic containers. He doesn't want any kind of microplastics or any weird stuff. So we have water delivered. I'm a person who has water delivered to my house and I go, let's just get a Brita and just use the tap.

You have the best charcoal filtered thing that everyone wants. He has a Berkey yes and we it's up on the shelf now because we're not using it he just wants to do spring water and we have like a receptacle for it and we're having it delivered in these giant glass bottles I don't know he's in charge of that so I'm like sweet I have this water that tastes like nothing. It's great. It's great water, but I don't, I don't care about that kind of thing. I'm glad he does. My refrigerator is spotless. All of my drawers have little compartments now.

There's a little, he went to the container store and bought everything. And so we have a container in every single cabinet. Everything is organized. It's beautiful. I had nothing to do with it. He does not mind that I am nothing like that. Last night we made dinner

and by making dinner he got me emos and I got whole foods. And by whole foods I mean just a sushi bar. Yeah, we put it on. Barely. No, I ate it out of the plastic container. Did it, assemble it on a plate. We were just eating dinner.

I don't know why I said made dinner. Ate dinner. And afterwards, we're like cleaning up. And I'm like, man, if I lived alone, I would just like get this in the morning. Like I don't really care about going to bed with a clean home. And I know most people on here probably would.

But as long as it's not like leaving old food out, I'd probably just like, I don't know. I'd probably just throw it on the sink. The sink is like a trash until I'm ready to put things in the trash. It like clears things off. It's just in a dirty little receptacle kind of. But last night I was like, how does a girlfriend behave? I washed off the plastic.

I put it in the thing. I wiped it off. Oh, Chris is home. Dogs, calm down. Hey, Chris, will you let the dogs out to see you? It's so interesting that he organized the closets and the drawers and stuff because I did the exact same thing, whereas Allie does the bags into other bags.

She doesn't give a shit about putting little drawers and closets and making sure there's shelving in the cabinets. And I went and I did that for every cabinet in the kitchen and all the closets. So what's that? Why don't I care about the bags, but I care about the thing that Chris cares about? I don't know. I don't know. Again, I can't really say this another time, but I don't know why I am the way I am.

And I wish I was more organized. Really? I have a question for you guys, which I think might be related to hormone differences. So someone let their dog poop on our front yard. And we have a nest camera. And every time this happens, Matt is like, I cannot wait to go through the nest camera and see which of our neighbors let their dog do this and i would love to see that too and um i was like oh god here we go

and um he was furious so he's like i can't who does this and then he like get we we were going to see the movie and we were late for the movie because he had to go in the house get clean up the thing take vinegar pour vinegar all over the lawn. I'm like, why are you doing this? He's like, because dogs. Because if a dog shits on a lawn, he will always go back to shit on that lawn. But if you put cayenne pepper or vinegar on it, they will not want to poop there again. Okay, so your lawn has to do the master cleanse after every shit. Yeah.

I think cayenne pepper is not very nice to do, but he did vinegar. So anyway, he finds the person and he's like, I found it. I found it. Oh my God. I knew it was this lady. I knew it was her. She never says hi to me. She's always weird to me.

And I'm like, let me see this. And I look and I couldn't believe my eyes. This woman lets her dog poop on the front lawn, mimics picking it up. She has one of those gloves that's a poop bag. Takes her glove, mimics picking it up. Get out of town. Yes. And then leaves it. And I'm like, oh my God, we closed up on it several times.

I'm like, I can't believe someone would do this. Wow. That's batshit you crazy i know and then matt was like next time i see her i'm gonna tell her i saw what you did and i'm gonna call the police next time like don't well that doesn't who i'm like there's no police show up it's like there is there's a dog there's a dog unit i'm like okay that's not the police that's like a dog a dog patrol or whatever yeah no one cares about someone he's turning into an old man if he's gonna call the police after a poop on the lawn i was like you could just confront her and just be like why did you mind picking it up

that is so embarrassing we have you miming picking up dog shit can you just talk to her one time and she'll never do it again because she's so embarrassed. Yeah, I wonder what... No, today I was... My dog shit. And I didn't have a bag. And these people sitting outside Starbucks saw my dog shit. And so I had to go like, where's the bags? Gotta go get the bags!

Because I always pick up dog shit. And if I forget to pick up my own dog shit because I don't have a bag, later on I'll pick up a dog shit that isn't my dog's to make up for the fact that I didn't get that shit because usually I pick it up with leaves or with mulch. You guys, if you've seen my reality show

you know my mulch trick where you just douse it with tons of mulch and you cover it like a birthday cake in sprinkles and so you pick it up and you're only touching the sprinkles the mulch and you're not touching the shit. It's a great idea. Or grass, any kind of thing.

But I had to get Starbucks napkins today. But these guys did think I was just going to leave it. And I was like, oh, I know they're whispering about me. But I think it's so crazy to do that, to leave it. This woman's mentally unwell, for sure. Yeah. She's not happy, right? I guess Kingston's not unwell, for sure. Yeah. She's not happy, right? I guess Kingston's not such a paradise after all.

Yeah. You want to hear something interesting? I don't know if you're going to find this interesting. Tell me if you think this is interesting because I find this to be interesting. The population of Kingston is currently 24,100. In 1990,

guess what the population of Kingston was? 28,000. Oh, you think it went down? I mean, that's why I think this is maybe interesting because otherwise, how could this be interesting? I'm going to guess

8,000. 30 years ago, a generation ago, the population of Kingston was 23,894. So it's basically not changed at all. Wow. That is interesting. Yeah. Okay.

No, it's gone up. It's just the same. Well, that helps me understand why no businesses are open here ever. They're always closed or just there's no businesses? If you want Mexican food, I hope you know you can only get it Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at the very popular Mexican food restaurant in town that everyone loves. That's it. Do you make every meal? No, we go out once in a while.

We do cook a lot, but we like cooking a lot. I haven't been truly blown away by a lot of restaurant food here. What do you guys cook? What's your number one thing to cook? Number one thing, I mean, I love this gluten-free pasta I make. We do that with a quote-unquote bolognese, but it's beyond meat, and then a tomato sauce, and then we make a nice big salad uh lately i've been really into sandwiches for lunch i don't know why because

there's a fancy sandwich place here and it's like 50 bucks every time we go and we're like let's just learn how to make these sandwiches and they're amazing okay and so just make like a really yummy vegan or vegetarian sandwich with like a fried egg and then sprouts and lettuce and tomato. This place does it with sauerkraut so I should just buy canned but like basic vegetarian food mostly and we love it. Okay. Alright. What do you guys do? Take out. Sorry.

I do take out for every single meal and that's just what my life is. Both you and Chris don't cook at all? Chris will cook a little bit sometimes when he's like trying to be better about being healthy because he doesn't really have options for healthy food like elsewhere. So he'll like make Brussels sprouts and stuff. But like, no, we don't cook at all.

That's why I go out. I want to go out for something I couldn't possibly make, like really delicious Brussels sprouts. I don't know how to make them so they're like salt fried. You need a flamethrower. Yeah, like sugar. Is that it? I mean, anything that is cooked elsewhere that you're like, how do they do it? It's usually those ingredients, I think.

Well, for Brussels sprouts, you need the flamethrower thing to make them really crispy and burned. I guess we got to get air fryers. Everybody's doing it. Those people can eat shit. Those are going to go out of style soon, I bet. Have you tried it? No. But I don't know what I'd air fry.

Everybody's like, it's incredible. Sweet potato fries, chicken nuggets, tofu nuggets, deep fried anything cauliflower wings like you can make the most i don't know how people live their lives where they have to cook all their meals yeah they are constantly cleaning they're constantly a really long time to cook your dinner i mean it's you know you can do fast stuff but you want to make like a clean up the dinner yeah no it takes a long time. Every time I do, it's like, wow. I just spent from the hours of 5 p.m. until 7.30 p.m. cooking and cleaning my dinner.

Yep. I clean my dinner, too. It's a lot of maintenance and upkeep. But I will say takeout makes you feel bad because you are constantly throwing away plastic. And it costs like $7,000. But that's my one thing that I... Your indulgence. That's my one indulgence. That and Taylor Swift tickets.

Those are my things. The population of St. Louis, okay? Right now, in 2023, it is 293,310. That's probably St. Louis City. St. Louis City. Yeah, isn't that what it is? Yeah, but that's not where I live. Not even close, brother.

You live in St. Louis County? Yeah. Okay, so St. Louis County. Okay, well, this one's not as interesting. I think we're like millions. Population of St. Louis County is 997,187. Oh. Yeah.

What was it in 1990, whatever? In 1990, it was basically the same. Oh, wow. 993,000. That's where we got to town. My family moved here from Cincinnati. Oh. Yeah, 1990.

What's interesting is the city has decreased dramatically since 1990. People moved out of the city. Yeah, because, yeah, white flight, baby. Yeah. St. Louis is very segregated and very scared of the city. That's why I said, like, it's different. My sister lives kind of in the city, and you think she lives uh on skid row with how people respond with like you live in the city i mean her car was stolen twice um in one week i think so

did they have two cars stolen or one car twice two two different cars stolen both of their cars were stolen i think in one week from the driveway we gotta go we gotta go to break but i want to talk about uh something that happened with lu Luigi last night when we get back. My step-dog. Well, not step-dog. He was my dog, but I've given him away. Your biological dog. Your biological son.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be back after this. come to that. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content

you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're back. Here I am with Marion, my dog and luigi is another room with chris because he hates me right now because the dogs are staying with me right now

and less my parents taught me a funny trick with it's not even a trick it's actually really cruel now that i think about it but you know how certain dogs respond to certain words like w-a-l-k or like t-r-e-a-t and you have to like spell it so they don't get too worked up. Well, there's a certain word that makes Luigi so sad and like turn like it's just it's funny how fucking sad he gets so quickly. But if you say the word B-A-T-H, he is tail goes between his legs you would think that i he has been beaten in baths so i can't even believe i said the word because i said i would never say it around there was something something horrible happened to him they just in a bath used to happen to my dog bruno like if if he would hear me whispering bath he would just hide why do they hate them so much it's it's not that long it's

not that horrible but you would think he has was like i i it's like i said the r word to someone who has had that happen to them like he was traumatized in a way that i felt so bad because i was saying to because i was like chris look how funny this is because my parents showed it to me and it was really funny when i first saw it because he just puts his tail between his legs and he just kind of tiptoes into a dark room to hide. It's so funny. Willa does that when we say bunny.

She saw a bunny once outside and now she knows the word. And if you ever say bunny, her ears go crazy and she goes to the window and for like an hour she's just staring out like laser focused out the window waiting for a non-existent bunny to come back. That's sad. But that's actually like, she's not like sad though.

Luigi looked like he was reminded of a time where, you know, he got severely hurt or something. Yeah, that's exactly it. And so last night I did it and Chris was like, I think this is cruel because he went in the other room and he wouldn't come out. And I was like, babe, I'm so sorry. Come here. And he was, he, then he started shaking, trembling, like crazy, you guys. Like, just like, but he also is a kind of dog that likes to be a baby and likes to be a widow.

Like, likes, when he gets like, like i go are you a sad dog he'll like get sadder looking yeah to just get like and he'll just get like kind of limp bodied so sometimes he i can make him start shaking if i just go oh is someone so sad and he will eventually start shaking but last time he was shaking so much from the mention of a b-a-t-h and then i started saying like oh man i have a math problem to do later like i was just saying things that rhyme with it and he was even getting triggered by that and um and i felt so bad and the rest of the night he was mad at me he was mad at me until we for hours after he wouldn't we were eating popcorn he wouldn't take a popcorn from my hand he would only take it from chris's he was like punishing me he was so mad at me he's very smart he's such an asshole and um he uh i

love him so much but i was just wondering if you guys i'm glad that bruno had that same response like what it's they get clean and also as soon as we get done with the bath i go it's towel time and then i go like with towels and i just like mess towels around their head and they freaking love some nothing more than towel time. How often do you bathe him? I used to bathe him like once a month, I think. That's good. Like not that much. And he would love it when it was over.

And it's like, wasn't even that worth it? It's almost like working out. Like I work out because of the feeling after working out. Explain that to him. Yeah, right? Bruno would also turn- Bruno would what? Bruno would also turn into a stone in the shower.

So he would not like move. Yes. It was like that dog that like turned into a statue and I think it was like Home Alone or something. Pompeii? Oh yeah. No, in Problem Child. I don't know if you've seen that movie.

Oh. From a long time ago. No, but I know what you mean. Like that's what luigi does too just like gets totally shivery and so tense and like like a boner like stiff like a boner do you try treats because willie used to do that and hate baths and now she i just bring treats up there and just keep giving her treats through the whole bath and now she jumps into the tub like a little good idea but what is the difference between a dog,

you know when you scratch a dog in an area where they're like, oh yeah, and they kind of get tense and they start shaking their leg and they kind of start shaking and they look up into the sky and their bodies start twisting and contorting because they're in such ecstasy?

How is that not an orgasm? How is that not, like Marion will have one right now if I get her spot. She was having one last night, and I was like, there's no difference between me and Marion when we have an orgasm. The same thing happens. The same body contortions. Did she finish? And I just remember as a kid being, like, doing that to dogs, making their legs twitch and making them get all tense and stuff,

and not even thinking anything of it. But I wonder if my parents were constantly like oh my god that dog looks like it's having an orgasm like i wonder if all adults were always thinking like the dog looks like it's coming no why don't you connect the two then he gets really tired after and then he starts smoking a cigarette yeah when i was a kid i hated baths and my parents told me that for two years they didn't give me a bath because i would scream and my dad's like you develop scabs on your head you know you were really difficult I'm like you're a terrible parent like why are you blaming me right not for two years that's I know but somehow it was my fault it was an infant like you were really problematic really weird kid just

didn't like water and that was before wet wipes like what did parents do back then just get a rag i don't know evidently i hated the feeling of water on my head so maybe it's not that rare well anya uh bringing up this uh camera that she filmed her neighbor doing the poop reminded me of this story I read over the weekend that made me feel crazy. But there's this couple in Florida who just had a baby, and their downstairs neighbor complained that the baby was crying too much. But there's nothing they could do about it. It's a crying baby. But then a couple of months go by, all of a sudden they start noticing a weird

chemical smell in the apartment. Yes. They start noticing a weird chemical smell in the apartment and they're like, that's weird. And they tried to look everywhere. They looked at the hot water heater. They looked at the gas leak. They looked for everything in the house and they fixed things and they thought they got rid of the chemical smell. But then all of a sudden, the baby, who is now like one or something, started vomiting and crying, getting really sick. Oh my God. Yeah. And they were like, we don't know what's going on.

So then they decided to put some cameras, they hid some cameras in a bush right outside their front door to be like, what the fuck is going on? What's this chemical smell? Why is everybody in the house getting sick? This is going on? What's this chemical smell? Why is everybody in the house getting sick? And this is going on for months and months and months. And then one day, all of a sudden, they see on their camera, their neighbor, the one who complained about the baby crying,

before he leaves for work or whatever, he walks up to the front door with a syringe and he injects chemicals underneath the door jam into the house and then walks away and they have him direct it's like it's like this was filmed for a television show i didn't see it that yet so okay but it's like this was filmed for a television show like you can see his face you can see this framed, this guy injecting the syringe and they found out that this guy, who was a chemistry doctorate student at a local university

was taking chemicals, mixing them together like a fucking mad scientist and injecting them into the door of the house to try to kill the baby because he was mad that it was crying all the time. Jesus. Oh my God.

Final thought. People are insane. Did you, I told Brian this the other day. Seriously, people are so stupid and crazy. First of all, how do you not know

that everywhere is cameras? If I wanted to murder someone, I just wouldn't do it because everywhere's cameras. There's cameras all over you're always going to get caught you're fucked you can't murder someone anymore

this isn't 1940s Oppenheimer could have killed that chemistry guy with the apple even though I heard that's not a true story based on that was one of the parts of the movie that wasn't real and it's not a don't worry don't get mad at me about the spoiler it was the parts of the movie that wasn't real. And it's not a, don't worry. Don't get mad at me about the spoiler. It was two seconds of a movie

and it never comes back to even be a part of the movie. Right, Anya? Correct. Okay. Anya, I saw Oppenheimer. Oh, wait a second. I just want to say this too. There's a website called Rent a Hitman.

I told Brian about this. And they are getting, they're catching so many people who are trying to kill people because people really think it's a place you can get a hitman i told brian about this and they are getting they're catching so many people who are trying to kill people because people really think it's a place you can get a hitman and so they're signing up and trying to procure a hitman um and uh so go to rentahitman.com and see it's like a fake website to catch people who are trying to kill their spouses i'm guessing um but i saw oppenheimer i loved it i don't really know what i saw though to be honest with you it was i saw killian killian murphy is hot and cool and i like

watching him he's just hot in a weird mysterious kind of creepy way um he's a great actor emily blunt i'm a fan now i i know i'm like god why is why is she in everything? But I get why she's in everything. She's fucking good. And I liked how they made her look more and more old and alcoholic throughout the movie. I saw it at the Chinese Grauman Theater, the gigantic 70K screen or whatever it is. It was a very loud movie. I had to put earplugs in the entire time. Really?

It was fast-paced. There was no need for... It was almost like era's tour you never get bored because it changes so fast all the time it's like there's not no there's no boring scenes it flips around a lot i did feel like it was like the same kind of movie over the same scene over and over because it kind of was because it went through like but it i thought it was great um and yeah i liked it i don't know what to feel after it i didn't like stay with me though i'm not like thinking about it a ton after i saw it um it was good though um what did you think about it on you

because i haven't talked to anyone who's seen it about about it i know that you you had i was impressed visually but i also was like this like, this is not for me. Christopher Nolan is famous for really using soundtrack so much. And for me, it was just like, I'm distracted by this sound being so loud throughout the whole thing. It's like a movie trailer. It's like, I just want to hear these people talk. And I don't need like swelling strings in this part. It's just like, shut up.

I would have loved some captions up in that bitch. I felt very, like I am used to captions now. I need them. I want them. I thought, yeah, I really liked it. And it was, I'm glad I saw it. It was just too male. Because Chris was maybe going to go alone.

And I said, what do you mean by that? Too male gaze. Like Florence Pugh doesn't need to be nude in every scene we don't i thought she did i liked it no she didn't though it was all about like her tit in every shot and it's like what she's saying is actually kind of important but we just have to put her naked in this scene again do you know your ears and your nipples completely match up mine i found this yeah just yours on. I read a fact about Anya last night.

Your earlobes and your nipples are perfectly aligned. Hold on. Or should be if you're... Yeah. Think about it. That kind of makes sense. Yeah, I like it.

I don't know why that was interesting to me. Did you learn that in Oppenheimer? That's why it was a good film. Yeah, that's what I learned in Oppenheimer. I have to go because I have to go to therapy and get my car.

But thank you guys for doing the podcast today. Thank you for listening to the podcast. I'm on tour this week. Chicago Theater, Friday. I'm very excited about it. New material, new merch. Anya will be there. Chris will be there. He's not performing, but he'll be in the house. And you will be there, hopefully.

Tell your friends. Chicago this week. I really want to sell it out. We are not even close. And I would really like to get those tickets moving. This isn't like Arrow's tour. If you buy a ticket to my show, it actually matters. It's not like every seat counts. And I really appreciate it if you come.

And also Peoria on Saturday. Also in Illinois. I'm very excited about that show as well, Friday and Saturday this week. And then my tour kicks off and I'm off to like a million shows in the next couple of months and I'm really pumped for them.

Best material yet. Come out and see me. Thanks for listening to the pod today. Don't be cute. And just listen to what Florence has to say. Don't stare at your tits. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult.

He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same,

our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers.