The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #378 Lending Out Your Body, Working on Your Birthday & The Line From Hell!

Episode Date: September 22, 2023

Nikki's got her BFF Taylor McGraw over. Anya is still adjusting to the term "husband". Nikki recaps highlights from her Chicago & Peoria tour dates. She also recalls getting a compliment from teenagers while she was on the set of FBoy Island along with the teachable moment that ensued. Brian and Taylor bond over their shared difficulty with drawing. They give their thoughts on what they would say about their bodies before lending them out. Brian has a story from Dallas that could have only happened to him. Nikki offers her two cents on the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce dating rumors. She's heading to NY and staying at her friend's apartment, which was once haunted. Anya's birthday is coming up and she will celebrate it on tour with Nikki this weekend. In the Final Thought, Nikki shares a doggy update. . Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast    Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Anya Marina and Brian Frangia Noah. What up? Hi, guys. I just got a text from a friend because I had posted on my Instagram story that there was some report about Kendall Jenner being a monster or something. Let me read it. What does it say?

It said, like, Kendall Jenner being a monster or something. Let me read it. What does it say? It said, like, Kendall Jenner is branded an unbearable bitch after video resurfaces of her. So I didn't check out the video or whatever, but then I wrote in response to that on my Instagram story, I actually hear that she and Kim are the nice ones of the family, because that's what I've heard from people who know. They know and i've heard multiple reports that everyone in the family they're not like mean but the people who are incredibly nice to like crew and like other people out like in the production um and go out of their way to be nice are kendall and kim that are like the really nice ones and my

friend just wrote to me who's a friend that has worked with them and goes no Kylie's the worst and I go well I didn't say she was it was it's about Kendall but she was like oh yeah okay then this is correct she was like Kendall and Kim are the nice ones she was like don't say Kylie's nice I'm like I did not she doesn't look nice yeah I've got a scowl. She paid for that scowl. You pay to look that angry. Because smiling makes your face wrinkly. Don't I know. Oh, is that what? You've just been so happy your whole life?

Yeah. I'm always making fun of everybody and everything and getting a sly little smile going. How's everyone doing today? What's the haps? I mean, we're back from the road. We were in Chicago and Peoria this weekend, me and Anya with Matt, Anya's husband. Husband.

Husband. Feels weird to say. Husband material. I'm still saying partner here and there. I'm trying to work. Really? It just sounds so possessive to me. Like I was boarding a plane and I'm like,

this is my boarding pass. And then I swipe and I'm like, and this is my husband's. And I'm just like, it's so weird. And then Matt's like, yeah, I wouldn't say that. I'm like, if you had both our boarding passes, what would you say? He's like, I'd just be like, this is mine and this is hers. Yeah.

Yeah. I read a thing the other day that said a meme that was like if a guy wants to make you horn it was something to the effect of if you want to make me horny say my name like in the middle of a sentence when you're talking to me say my name oh my god when I hear Chris say Nikki I'm always just like oh I always feel like I'm in trouble when Avi does that. Well, maybe that's why I like it. I like being a little bad girl when he calls me Nicole Renee. Yeah, I like it. I think it's hot.

I think that's the only reason to get married is that you can say husband and wife. It sounds cool. I think that's one of the perks. It feels like I'm bragging a little. My husband, I got married. I'm wearing something. I used to feel that way

about boyfriend too. Like, my boyfriend, like, oh, do you have a boyfriend? Does someone love you? It's embarrassing

when we're at this age to say boyfriend. Oh my God. It should be man friend. When I was filming F. Boy Island, these girls would always say, and I don't know,

like just in my 24 years of life, I've just never, and I'm like, do you need to keep, do you always need to say and they'd be like sorry nicky like they knew it and then i didn't like that because they it was like acknowledging that they do know i'm older i want them to be like i just always think of you like you're 24 uh-huh and um yeah so uh that's yeah the road was fun it was fun being out there thank

you to all the besties who came so So many were there, both in the audience because I heard your cheering when the host, the person bringing me up would say the Nikki Lazer podcast. I heard you guys go, woo! Then I met many of you after the show at the meet and greet. That was so special.

You even scored new stuff. Oh, yeah. She was not a bestie. She seemed like someone that like got brought along with a group of people but I loved her jacket as I will compliment your outfit

if you look cute and you come to see me. I know that some people are like I don't need that like I'm just wearing an outfit. I love compliments too. And getting them. Yeah.

But I will say and I've said it before most of the time I give a compliment to someone they're just maybe they're nervous to meet me and so they don't but they don't go time I give a compliment to someone, they're just, maybe they're nervous to meet me. And so they don't, but they don't go like, thanks, I got it at this.

Like, they just kind of like, don't say anything. And this isn't only at meet and greets. I think that people sometimes are just like, thanks. And you just go like, well, you, or like, can you give a little bit like, I love it too. Oh my God. No one ever says anything. Like I want, I want a little bit more. It takes me a minute to decide if it's mine. Cause say like um about my car a lot and then i say thank you

or i'm like wait what i didn't make this car when i was 10 years old i know my dog or like when i have dogs they're like these dogs are cute i'm like thanks i birthed them even if you did birth it it's not like you choose to do like there's no free will hair issue on your baby or like if you get a if i ever get a compliment about something the other day actually and i'll get back to the jacket thing from the meet and greet but no um i was on f boy island and the director brought his children to uh set and they were like these young girls i think 14 11 and then there was like a maybe a nine-year-old and they were so sweet and two girls and the youngest boy and both the girls were like like kind of looking at because i was

all done up it was like the finale episode so i was like high heels and wearing this glamorous outfit and i just looked like a barbie kind of you know and they were both like and they were like hi and he introduced them and he was like this is nikki she's really nice and funny and he was like and then i complimented him we we both love each other so much and so the kids were like, hi. And he introduced them. And he was like, this is Nikki. She's really nice and funny. And he was like, and then I complimented him. We both love each other so much. And so the kids were just like, hi. And then the girls came up to me and they were like, you look so pretty.

They were like, you? We thought you were one of the girls on the show. You look so pretty. And you could just tell that they were like, and so I have my microphone on. And the director, their dad is in the control room and I'm on set with the girls and they're going to go visit him in a second. But I had this little moment with them.

They're like, you're so pretty. And I was like, girls, thank you so much. That's so nice. I just want to tell you, this is fake hair. This is a spray tan. I paint my body every time. These are fake eyelashes. This is so much makeup.

If I took this off, I'd be unrecognizable to you. I promise you, all of this is a lie. And they were just like, we don't need to know. They were kind of like, okay. I go, everything you see on TV is a lie. Don't compare yourself ever. And they were like, we just wanted to say you're pretty. But then I had my earpiece in, and he goes,

I just want to say thank you for doing that. And he was like, that was really cool what you just did. You immediately told them the truth. You accepted it, but you told them the truth about these things because they are so young. They are at that age of like, the way they were looking at me was like, you're better than everyone because you're so pretty. And it was like, you're better than mom because she just wears a house coat. Curlers every day. You do look at that the like, yeah, celebrities you just have this, I just need to

constantly just ruin that image or dispel any I don't know, like perfection that they put onto it and maybe it's like unnecessary to do all the time but I liked that he saw what i was doing

and appreciated it because he must see his kids like absorb so much double it's double tough for kids these days because they have filters to contend with also it's like everybody on instagram looks absolutely perfect that yeah you're still you're when you go on instagram story to post something as a selfie it's already filtered i know people go well i didn't put it on paris mode paris is like the classic filter that doesn't kind of look like a filter, it's already filtered. I know people go, well, I didn't put it on Paris mode. Paris is like the classic filter that doesn't kind of look like a filter, but you're already filtered. These cameras already are filtering us to make this look

as pretty as possible. Even on Zoom. Automatic. You have to go in and un-enhance. Yes, you are enhanced. If you think, man, I look good today, you don't. Damn it, I've never looked good then. You need to fix yourself up.

It's the only time I've ever thought that. I know, because then you can't stop staring at yourself. You're like, I'm fucking gorgeous. I put a post-it over it so I can't look at myself, because I would probably accidentally be doing it, because I don't use computers. I'm like, duh, looking at myself all the time. Yes.

Yeah, we're always being lied to. It's painful. And, yeah, so I just, but anyway, so this woman came through at the meet and greet

and I was like, that's a great jacket. And we took a, she was like, thanks. Took a picture and I was like, where'd you get that?

Like, is that, and she's like, Anthro. And I was like, is it recent? Like, can I still get it?

She was like, you can have this one. And I was like, really? She was like, I work there. I'll get another. And I was like, she goes,? Like, can I still get it? She was like, you can have this one. And I was like, really? She was like, I work there. I'll get another. And I was like, she goes, it's going to be too big for you. Because she was like a bigger lady, but like not that much. But it was like already baggy on her.

And I was like, but I like that style. So it was like, I got like a boyfriend jacket. And it's so cool. It's cool. It's like this velour black and then it has embroidered like all these like birds kind of thing. Like it's really gorgeous. I'm so excited. It looks like a satin bomber.

Yeah, satin is what I meant, not velour. Sorry, I get those two confused. Yeah, it's satin. It's a satin oversized bomber and it's awesome. And I love it so much. And it's so much better than buying something. I love doing that because I get everything from the thrift store. So I'm just like, you can have it.

That's so nice. It would be hard to find. What a move. But it cost 50 cents. So it's perfect. That's so nice. More people should do that. I'm going to try to do that more often. There was a really awkward episode of Conan where Trump was on. And this was before he was

running for president or anything. This was just when he was the apprentice Trump. And he was promoting the apprentice. And he had a tie on. And Conan said, oh, that's a really nice tie. And then Trump said, it's a Trump tie. And then he did his whole commercial for Trump ties. They're the best ties.

And then he goes, you want this tie? And Conan clearly did not want the tie. But he had to pretend like, oh, I'll take the tie. And then Trump gave him the tie like he was handing him a Cadillac and then Conan had to put on the tie and be like oh I'm so happy with this tie and he was like you see what I just did for you

I gave you this tie I hate that Trump did something kind of charming once I mean he does a lot of things he's charming all the time that's why he was president ever since Shane Gillis' special I just keep thinking about his Trump impression About how the US killed that guy

With the dogs The beautiful dogs He died like a dog It's so good If you haven't heard Shane Gillis' Trump impression You said it best the other day You were like I could listen to that for Half an for 14 hours.

Yeah, that should have been the full special. Not to knock the rest of it, but that was my favorite part. No, it was so good. I loved his special. Brian, you loved his special too. You wrote me and was like, Shane Gillis is the next Louis C.K. Yeah, best special of the year so far, I think. I mean, it was amazing.

It's really, he's got this every man working man vibe. He's got those people on lock and he understands them and they understand him. And that special was incredibly well written. It's so funny. The best special of the year. And he's having a great time. He's in the pocket.

You can watch it on YouTube. Yeah, Joe List is so great. All by myself or something i forget but yeah but shane i just yeah i he just was having a great time i learned so much about what i want to do for my next one in terms of like be like he was loose he was felt very loose he didn't feel like nervous he also just he's having a good time he's smiling a lot i think like sometimes comedians just get too care and like don't't smile like people laugh and they're like you can tell they're kind of holding it in yes i'd be laughing but also i hate when comedians laugh at their own

jokes because you're like we've heard well you know you've done this a million times but he doesn't seem to be i don't think his is bullshit like I think he's actually having still having fun with the joke yeah like laughing at people's reaction to it yeah I just think he's in it he's in the pocket as we said before it's just it was really impressive to me I really I loved it so much and I just love

my favorite thing was him getting bullied for wearing a bucket hat he got like bullied by a goth in Australia for wearing a bucket hat. He got bullied by a goth in Australia for wearing a bucket hat. It's so funny. He attempted to wear a bucket hat. His friend was like, no, it looks cool. He was like, yeah, who's going to make fun of me in Australia?

Everyone's nice here. Someone lifted up his bucket hat and then put it back on his head behind him. He turned around thinking it must be a friend because who would do that? It was a goth. Yes. Finally. We used to make fun of goths right yeah not to their face we made fun of everyone though we were equal opportunity we didn't like pick on the dorks we made equal fun of like every person yeah we could everyone yeah to death um yeah but we made fun of goths. There was one girl who used to draw

sex cats. Porn cats. Porn cats. She used to draw cats with huge tits, almost robotic. She was good at drawing anime, but we didn't know what anime was. And I'm sure there was anime, but not a lot, right? No, I don't think it was

that popular. I think she made up anime. She could be the originator. I'm going to look her up. When I was in high school I used to draw all the time I would draw during class and stuff and there was one time I was really good at drawing the top halves of people but not the legs every day was arm day for you particularly the pelvis I could not handle and I was drawing this comic book character. And there was this girl, probably the hottest girl in my high school class, was sitting behind me that day.

And she was watching me draw this thing. And she goes over and she's like, you're really good at drawing. And I was like, yeah, it's pretty good. Except for the legs. The legs and pelvis are kind of off. And I was like, yeah, I'm not very good at it. And there was something like... She just covered it with paper like i'm good at it but the top half do you ever

see the movie pop star where uh yes there's only island musical movie that should have done better comedy movies ever yeah one of the funniest movies ever and it flopped and because people are stupid but in that in that movie he, he goes off into the farm and he starts painting and he paints horses, but he can't do the hooves. Yeah, that's right. I remember that.

That's like me with the pelvis and legs. The pelvis. What is hard about a pelvis? I can't draw legs. I just, mine taper. It's like, I can't draw anything really, but if I start- Shut up.

Yes, you can. It isn't accurate. If I start drawing the top, the legs just taper off. You have your drawings on your body. You literally have tattooed yourself. But not people. And the hands always start drawing the top, the legs just taper off. You have your drawings on your body. You literally have tattooed yourself. And the hands always are in the pockets, for sure.

Have you gotten any new tattoos lately? Yeah, JonBenet, Ramsey, Babe. Wait, what? No way. JBR. You wrote JBR? You are obsessed. I will avenge you, JonBenet.

What do you think happened? Her brother did it. Burke did it. BDI. How much would you bet? Hard BDI. BDI. Everything I got. Burke did it is BDI.

It's RDI. Ramsey's did it. BDI Burke did it. Is this within the community? IDI intruders did it. Yeah. Okay. So BDI.

Everyone knows. Yeah, you're BDI. And the parents covered it up. BDI'd. BDI'd. And the nurses were written by the mommy

they were written by the mom yeah and a sharpie it was an accident he like pushed her off the thing because they were arguing about pineapple

or something he um I think he hit her and then with um the flashlight and then he made the garret which wasn't actually

a garret a garage or whatever it was actually it's very similar to a boy scout toggle, which he knew how to make. And it's what you pull things with. So there's evidence of her being pulled by it. So I think he was trying to like pull her and like accidentally strangled her all the way.

And then there's marks on her body that they matched to the train tracks. Like he picked up the train tracks and was kind of poking her. So he was just like confused. He didn't know what was going on. Is he special needs? I think now you can tell that he is, but I don't know about back then. But the thing that- Listen, everyone celebrates Christmas Eve differently.

He has special needs, but they might not be psychological, let's just say. Right. But they found a lot of books in their house, and one was called, like, Why Doesn't Johnny Have a Conscience? And they were all about children behaving overtly sexually.

Oh. That the Ramseys had clearly bought because they had a son who was dealing with that. And that checks out with the 911 call where Patsy can be heard saying, what did you do? Yeah.

Oh, no. All right, well, we have to take a break. It seems like yesterday for me, Brian. 1996. And then come back and talk about

the Delphi murders that there's been. No, we're not going to talk about it, but there has been a huge update. She already said she wouldn't let me. Yeah, I said in the kitchen, Taylor's like, can we talk about the Delphi murders that there's been. No, we're not going to talk about it, but there has been a huge update. She already said she wouldn't let me. I said in the kitchen, Taylor was like, can we talk about the Delphi

murders? Because there's been updates. I said, I can't. I haven't studied them enough and I got some, all the records have been sealed, but they were open for a little bit and one of the besties sent me the unsealed things. She like got them. Well, we can't excuse one of the besties sent me the unsealed things. She like got them before we went away.

It's one of the most fun things that happened between Chicago and Peoria coming up next. Oh, Starbucks? Which Starbucks stop in that three-hour drive? We made 14.

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visit talkaboutvaping.org brought to you by the american lung association and the ad council all right so we are driving between chicago and peoria on saturday for our show um anya what happened you started uh playing a question game which matt and i always appreciate and it was like because you guys get to know each other so much more as husband and uh wife uh no it's fun to get to know you more too because even though i lived with you for years and i've known you now for 11 i think um there's always more to learn about nick yeah well and matt passes on most of these questions. Oh, you're asking who knows? No, it's like they're just like, they're like conversation starter. Like I Google like fun, quirky questions.

It's really hard to Google fun questions. You get the same list over and over. It's like Googling lyrics. Do you ever Google lyrics and it's just like so many ads and pop-ups and stuff? Oh God, lyrics. It's really difficult to find fun, interesting conversation starters. It's the same list over and over, reposted. Oh, God. Lyrics. It's really difficult to find fun, interesting conversation starters.

It's the same list over and over, re-posted. Invisibility or flight. You know, it's always that. Yes. Always,

yeah, yeah. Hot or cold. Yeah. Freeze to death or burn. It's for people who are autistic who are going on a first date

and need, like, questions to ask or something, which I think is good. It's nice to have these. They do help you get to know each other so much better and it does spark good conversation.

So there was one that we did that Anya was like, we should definitely talk about this on the pod. So Anya, do you want to present the question? If someone was borrowing your body for a few months, what would you tell them about how it works? That's funny. I love this one. I'd be like, pee carefully. carefully okay well like are we talking because

we answered this question i'm like we were just mostly that the answers were like we didn't want people to fuck it up so we were like be careful about this thing and i'm wondering like would we tell the person to like have fun with it like do more like. Like hey, go for a hike. See if my body likes doing that. So it's like a rental? Like you're going to get it back and it's going to be all scratches on it? Like I think that's what we were worried about. I think like we were creating like a list.

Like if someone was watching our dog. Like he likes to go to bed at this time. Like is this the question? Is that the question? Like how it works? Like what things people. Or would you be like, listen, it's going gonna do this weird creaky thing don't worry about it it's okay

that's what I assume is the more fun answer that's what I think it's like that's the more fun answer I think we should go for that I think so too like things your body does

that people would be like oh my god I should go to the hospital but like calm down it's okay it's like insurance you have to report yeah queefing

when you're in a downward dog position during yoga it sounds like you're the tin man when you're in a downward dog position During yoga It sounds like you're the tin man when you bend over Being a rental would just be a nightmare It's gonna happen if it's a good one Make sure it's a good one if you want that My joints crack like my elbow and my knees

And it makes like this loud snapping sound As if like a branch is breaking off a tree What? And it doesn't hurt? i would it doesn't hurt no it doesn't hurt at all but it scares a lot of people oh my god someone thinks there's like a tornado outside but you're just like leaning back stretching um okay that's a good one to know everyone right wait why pee carefully taylor oh i just thought of the last thing that i did that i was like what is wrong with me because I was peeing outside

and it was just all over my entire body the ground was hard but there's still some reason because it came out too slow no it's too fast it ricocheted oh I thought it came out slow and it dripped down the sides of your thighs

like sometimes it comes out of a cave wall and it just trickles down or like a statue of Mary crying or whatever. You know what I mean? Like stigmata. Yes, yes. And that's what I like when it comes out. I always try to get it like.

But not outside on the hard ground. It hasn't rained in a while in St. Louis, Missouri. I like that Taylor assumes anyone taking her body out for a spin is going to be pissing outside. Peeing outside. Be careful. That's what I was wondering. Do they also have like my muscle memory and like psyche? Are they going to be outsideing outside. Be careful. That's what I was wondering. Do they also have like my muscle memory and like psyche? Are they going to be outside peeing?

Okay. They're just borrowing your body for three months. Why were you peeing outside in St. Louis? Because I was catching insects in the park. In what park? Carondelet. Carondelet Park. You were catching insects.

Do you, and then you put them in the freezer and then you stab them? Yes. Through the abdomen? To death. them in the freezer and then you stab them? Yes. Through the abdomen? To death. Uh-huh. Okay. No, they're dead when I stab them.

How do you catch them? With a jaw? I have a net and then also I have something called a beet sheet. Which I just made. Is it sticky? No.

It's like a big sheet, make an X and then you wrap around like a fabric and then you go put it under a tree and then you bang on the tree and stuff falls out. Beat sheet.

Beat sheet. Oh, whoa. Pissed on the beat sheet. Is this for science you're doing this? She knows for her hobby. That's my hobby science, baby. I would tell your body person that's borrowing it,

you might see some bugs in the fridge. One did crawl out of my shirt while i was driving and flew at my face oh my god do you like them when they're alive i love them even when they're alive so why don't you keep them alive and what if you came back and they had like shaved off your pubic hair would you be mad no no i'd be i'd say you would be like don't whatever you do don't shave my pubic hair on you i just don't want to come back to like a weird i don't know i was thinking like you would be because i'm guessing taylor has like great pubes circa 1974 because you have cool retro taste no she keeps it tidy really it doesn't. You don't have any? Sad. Yeah, but they're pathetic. They're pathetic? But do you trim the ones,

do you like shave the ones that are? Do you have like bald? No. It's none of my business. Uh-uh. Oh, really? I shave it all off. You do? I want nothing. Oh, no, no. Because then it's like you don't get complaints of like, I found a hair in my food. It's a break. Let's say

you could rent your body out to somebody for three months. And then during those three months, it was like you're under anesthesia, like you didn't exist. Okay. But you rented it out with the purpose of accomplishing something. So that person would take your body for three months and make you lose 10 pounds or learn a song on the piano or like whatever project.

Would you do it? You'd give up three months of your entire life, but you'd come back guaranteed with that skill. No, because you know what? A part of being skilled and talented is knowing what it took to get there. And that's the joy of it. I don't really celebrate things that I'm born with

as much as things that I've earned. What do you guys feel? Do you think you want it to just show up? Interesting. No way. I like being good at something. I hate being bad at like, especially if it's like a sport

or some kind of hobby. So I would take that offer in a heartbeat. What if they molest? Well, I would take someone working out for me because I don't enjoy the process of working out. So what, you could rent them for an hour.

So yeah, I would have them do Pilates. You like get a hotel room and there's a body in there that you could rent them for an hour. I would have them do Pilates. You get a hotel room and there's a body in there that you get to rent for an hour. If they molested me, I guess I wouldn't know. Unless, you know. Oh, you might know. Really? I don't know yet. But are they allowed to

molest me? Because it'd be them masturbating. Because it's theirs. Unless, I don't know. It'd be like telling someone that was babysitting for you they can't eat your snacks. You know, that's staying at your house. They have access to the pantry.

They should be able to Is there anything about your body and how it works that you feel like you would have to explain to them? I would have to give them a 45-page pamphlet explaining all the reasons you're going to feel pain. As soon as we said this thing, I said, Brian,

Anya was like, we should do this on the pod. I go, Brian will take the entire episode answering this question because there are so many things. Let's do a top three right now, Brian, if someone was to take over your body. Well, you're going to be missing two teeth and the rest are in pain

because you grind and clench at night. You can't eat anything or else you'll hurt. Currently, you can't get in a moving vehicle because you'll get nauseous. Let's see. Third one. Currently, when did this start?

Hold on. Why can't you get in a moving vehicle right now I don't know I mean it's always been an issue like I get a little nauseous and motion sick but like lately it's been like times ten when you drive or just when someone else drives I'm having a little bit of trouble even driving my own car which

yeah which sucks but you know that's definitely mental and it's definitely somehow stress related and I'm trying to work it out. But, you know, I got my tooth from the dentist. And finally, after 16 months of waiting to get my tooth back, it was put in. And I was so excited. And it was crooked. And they had to take it out.

Refresh? Is this a dental implant? Yeah, an implant. Well, the implant's still there, but they had to take out the crown and have to wait another three weeks to get it back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Brian.

I'm sorry. It's crooked? I hate this. It was crooked. I forgot to tell you guys, very important update. I like my veneers now. I had them adjusted for hopefully the final time i stood up to my

beautiful russian dentist who i'm afraid of and there was a lovely hygienist that was nearby who happens to be ocd about teeth and was like directing the dentist can you imagine a hygienist directing a dentist and she was like just a little curve there and this needs to be straightened out and that's a little 290 degrees and this needs to be straightened out and that's a little too 90 degrees and you need to make i should have that job it was amazing and i like my teeth now so there's hope for you brian in 18 months you'll finally get the same hygienist brian's tooth saga it's i don't think we've gone on into it on the podcast but it is so much and it's all due to him not having a filling shaved down all the way.

So then his bite became misaligned. That's a good thing. And then she went on fucking vacation and couldn't fix it. She went to a glamorous vacation in Italy. But for anybody who is... You always say glamorous. I've heard him telling people this story

like a million times and he always says a glamorous vacation. You want a glamorous vacation? Yeah, and then she came back with a big hat from italy and like so for any best listening if you get a cavity filled then it's usually when they fill it it's usually a little high and so when you bite down that's why they say bite down they put that paper in your mouth and they shave it yeah stains the problem is your your mouth is usually, so it's really hard for you to tell if you're biting down enough when they measure that with the paper. But just, if you get a cavity filled, make sure you bite down as hard as you can

because the worst thing that can happen is if it's too high. And then if you go home from a cavity and it feels like it's too high, you need to go back. Go back. If not that day, go back the next day because you cannot. Wait, I don't get it. Just have to be filling. Because you'll grind at night and then things will start to go haywire. So that's why you're grinding. Even when you're biting, if it's a little too high, that point will just keep nailing

the other tooth and both teeth will get damaged and possibly cracked, which is what happened to mine. Jesus Christ. If you're a bestie listening and you get a filling and it feels like it's too high, do not wait. Do not think like maybe this is in my head. Do not think like maybe it'll fix itself on its own. You need to go back

that day or the next day. Taylor, you just went to the dentist for the first time. No, I couldn't get an appointment. But you called and that means something. I called and left a message. Yeah, you have dentist fear. What's it called? What's a phobia when you're scared of the dentist what's it called you got a yeah yeah and why are you scared to go have you always been your whole life yeah i don't like the whole but the main thing is the sucker the sucker really that thing's the best oh my god

okay we won't talk about it we won't talk about it. I love going to the dentist. Brian, I feel bad for you. That's so scary. I'm so sorry too. I'm just sorry that he's in constant pain. And then I was supposed to get my mattress delivered today, my replacement mattress. But you bit it. Tepipedic fucked up so bad.

I had to call them and be like, the incompetence. I said the phrase, the incompetence on display right now is astonishing because they only know about things on display i mean yeah they've been fucking up for months here for months yeah they were supposed to take this mattress away and give me a refund for it instead they refunded me for the mattress i bought and cancelled my delivery now I'm still stuck with this shit mattress my credit card has a negative $4,000 balance

which is also not good because they refunded me for my mattress this is just insane how much Tempur-Pedic has fucked up so I have no tooth, I've got no mattress and then there's another thing i went to dallas this weekend i'm just i've just been dealing with incompetence and i just don't know

if everybody is stupid is everyone just yes yeah i mean spectrum i'll find you and i'll get you like i read that our parents a lot of baby boomers, they just took lead out of gasoline in 1992. So we've all been exposed to lead in our lifetimes, and it's catching up to people. And especially even before 1992, lead was everywhere. And that's why baby boomers are kind of going cuckoo quicker than they maybe should, is because there's lead exposure.

But what about, some of these people are not, wait, how old is the youngest baby boomer? Don't ask me that. I told you never to ask me that. How old is the youngest baby boomer? What is football? I don't really know.

The baby boomers are 1946 to 1964. I have 57 to 75. I don't know where you're getting your data, but mine is from Wikipedia. 1946 to 64 seems to be... Okay. Okay.

So what happened on your trip to Dallas with your friends to go see the Jets? I went to go see the Cowboys and the Jets. Cowboys Stadium is amazing, but I had this ridiculous experience at the concession stand. So I want to ask you guys this question. When you're at a concession stand or a clothing store or a Whole Foods or something like that,

you know how you can have multiple registers, separate lines? Yeah. Yes. And then you get on the line and you just hope and pray that you have the fast one, right? Yes.

How do you assess which one is going to be the fast one? I look at the guy doing the checkout. The age. I see how fast his arms are moving. And the age. Of people in line, though. Oh, really? I look at how many items they have.

And I look at how fast the cashier is working and how efficient they seem to be, how long they've been working there, how tattered their name tag might be. If they have a process, like they seem to like have the, they're just, yeah, how tattered their name tag might be. If they have a process, they don't seem like they're training. I usually just bet on that. I always just know in my heart I will always pick the wrong line. Don't worry about it. No matter what I do,

it will be the slowest line because it's just the way life goes and that's going to be okay. Sometimes I try to go against my gut. Just get on your phone while you're in line. What happened to you? What you did not mention was shortness of the line. You wouldn't just automatically jump to the one

that has the least amount of people in it. No, because they might have the most items and then the slowest person that doesn't know how to work the machine, is being trained, stuff like that. You can't just be on your I went to, now this is, you can't just be on your phone in this situation because this concessions at a football game. So like the longer you're on that line,

the more of the game you're missing. So you've got to, this is so important to get in and out. There's going to be a touchdown or a punt or a rush or a blitz. I've learned all these words. Yes. Yes. Um,

I was on this line with my friend Charlie and I wanted to get a Bavarian pretzel and the person on this line that reminds me of Glamorous Vacation

I'm like we didn't need that Bavarian pretzel Ryan Ryan throws in adjectives that do paint a picture but are it was called

the Bavarian pretzel on the board Bavarian Bavarian too isn't it Bavarian? You need to hang out with Matt Who mispronounces everything on purpose It's Bavarian?

I think it's Bavarian Who would say Bavarian here? Do you say Bavaria? Everyone says Bavarian I like Bavarian Also what was that word you kept pronouncing When we were hanging out that really irritated me? Ovarian Ovaries We were talking about ovarian cancer

No it was Quinoa or something No it was stevia You kept saying And I was like I've said stevia to you 18 times That's how my dad says it too And he's always like Mickey's a vegan right Yeah my dad's a vegan too

Vegan is so annoying They try to be British I wouldn't say vegan because Mickey's a vegan, right? She's a vegan. Yeah, my dad's a vegan too! Vegan is so annoying. They try to be British. I wouldn't say vegan because that's a star system. And that would confuse. Okay, okay. Anyway. So you wanted your Bavarian pretzel. I wanted a Bavarian pretzel.

And your delicious, refreshing Sprite. No, I don't drink Sprite. Core water. Core water. Oh, right. With the blue top. Yeah, I know what you're talking about what is that

I remember those I went to the stadium I think to see Tay Tay and they made us pour those core waters into the plastic cups so that we wouldn't throw them at her so you've been to the AT&T stadium yes I have been there

maybe you've seen it's an amazing stadium right yeah I think so yeah I went to nine shows so they all blend together but yes okay so before people get on my case about. I went to nine shows, so they all blend together. But yes, okay.

So before people get on my case about this, I want to say that I too worked for $8 an hour in the food industry in a deli for seven years. So I'm getting on this guy because I'm imagining me there or someone who I worked at the deli there. There was a kid, 20s. I was 13 when I started working or 12. 12 going into 13 when I started working at the deli. Illegal. Yeah, it was 13 when I started working. Or 12. 12 going into 13 when I started working at the deli. Illegal.

Yeah, it was totally illegal. So illegal. And the guy used to penetrate him with a broomstick. Right before I turned 13, I started working there. Like flirtatiously. His manager used to stick him with a broomstick. It was so weird. Take care, brush your hair. Take care, brush your hair. Every day for five years.

Here's a broomstick up your butthole. Or as Brian pronounced it, take car, brush your hair. Every day for five years. Here's a broomstick over your butthole. Yeah. Or as Brian pronounced it, take car, brush your harm. Okay. So this kid, this 20-something-year-old kid looked so dumb. He looked so confused.

The person, there was two people in front of us and the person online wanted two hot dogs. The hot dogs were right behind this kid on one of those rolly things. Right behind. You could

just reach behind you and grab a hot dog. And the buns were next to the hot dogs. The guy asked him for two hot dogs and the look on his face, it was as if he said, we sell hot dogs here? He was so confused. He didn't know what to do

he went right past the hot dogs into the back for four minutes gone for four minutes he comes back he's got you and the 20 year old like looking at each other like what's going on where four minutes is a long time yes i mean i we're everyone was like're, we're, everyone was like, what the fuck is happening? And meanwhile, like the Cowboys are driving down the field and we're like missing the game. And it's like, this is so annoying. We paid fourth down.

Yeah. Right. Fourth down. Yeah. It's like, Oh, and 10. Yeah.

Um, he comes out of the back and he, he, he's like, Oh my God. He fought. He sees the buns he picks up the two buns

and he walks right past the hot dogs again and goes into the back with the two buns and then he's gone for like 8 minutes no that's not possible that it's 8 minutes he's just gonna wait in the forever that's an exaggeration there would be a revolt we were online for 45 minutes

what the hell he went in the back for like 8 minutes Is he the only one working there? Is there another register you can jump over to? There's so many registers They're all moving slowly But this guy And we could not believe what was happening

He goes back with the two buns for 8 minutes When he comes back He lost the buns He comes back with nothing He doesn't even have the buns anymore. And then finally- What is he saying? Is he saying anything?

Is anyone questioning him? He goes up. He starts talking with somebody. He's trying to find out what's happening. He finally takes, he finally sees that the hot dogs are right behind him. He takes the buns, puts them down,

puts a hot dog in each bun. And then he just leaves them there behind the counter and he doesn't even and so why isn't the guy yelling at him like hey he's like aren't those my hot dogs and he's so confused because he knows like he needs to get like a plastic container or something he doesn't know where those are so

about 30-40 minutes pass and then they give this guy there's no way they give this guy his hot dog and then I said to my friend, I got to go. I can't do this. My friend wanted to stay. When my friend, after the guy gets the hot dogs and leaves, the next person's up. They pull this cashier.

Like they cut him mid-game because he was so bad. And they said, you're off the team. They pull him and they tell the people on the line. Because it sits on the bench. Yeah, they put him on the bench and they tell the people on the line, like sits on the bench. Yeah, they put him on the bench and they tell the people on the line, like, I'm sorry, this register is closed. You have to go to the back of a different line. And that's when the revolt happened.

They said, no, we don't. We are not going to the back. We've been standing here 40 minutes watching this kid figure out hot dogs. We are staying on this line and buying whatever we want. And they said, okay, okay, okay, fine. And they finally served them. And the

Bavarian pretzel was actually really good. But I don't understand. He didn't seem high. He just seemed so confused. He had to be. Think how hard his life is being that dumb. Or disability of brain functioning. Yes, there's something going on he might have he had an anxiety

football himself yeah yeah he was having anxiety something's going on i had the same thing happen this weekend when i was checking in the hotel in chicago i had a suite and i guess the suite has like two entrances so on the computer this girl that was training it looked like two rooms to her so she was like there's two rooms under your name i'm texting anya i'm texting my assistant jen i'm like why do i have two rooms under my name and i go well we don't want one of the rooms we just want the suite and so we're waiting and she's clicking and clacking on the thing and then she pulls over her manager her manager's like so you don't want the two rooms and i'm like no we just want one room she goes okay so you want you just want a normal room and i'm like no we want a suite and she was like hold on we'll get my manager it took like uh it took 15 minutes which is a long time to wait when there's no

reason to be waiting and then i was like i texted my assistant jen like they for some reason you booked two rooms but it's totally fine we just got the suite and then chris is like no she thought there were two rooms because the suite looked like two rooms on her computer i was like oh he like made it all make sense to me and i was like that's like the struggle of just getting with someone who just started working there when you're like with someone who's i always go to starbucks and i can tell when they like look at the cup really hard and they're like so ways to get so hold on she put the and they go to their manager and they go this and they go okay that means half decaf that means you're gonna do this and now press this button it's like why don't you just press the button just do it for him and i'm just standing there and um but it's it's hard out there

um it's hard out there uh you need a different job if you can't find a hot i was fired from a temp job which is almost kind of impossible like they were like this isn't temporary enough it was i had one more day left and they called me and they're like you can't do this anymore because i couldn't work the phones i just did not understand the phones. So I understand having some sort of like dyslexia for some sort of information. I thought I was football lexic. I thought I couldn't understand football.

I'm starting to get that. I'm starting to all kind of make sense to me a little bit. I can like watch a play and go, oh, I see what they're trying to do here. I see what just happened the numbers are starting to make sense i'm still confused there are things i'm the stats coming up and i go chris what does that many yards rushed mean what is that why is that uh why is that number there why there's so many numbers i mean it's just incredible to me and chris is like this is gonna

be really fun we're gonna get a board i'm gonna have little things i'm gonna teach you and i'm like we don't need to take it to that i I don't need to get, but we're going to have a board on my, I'm going to like really learn the game of football, I think. And then you could be in a fantasy football league. That'd be good for you guys. I mean, maybe I wouldn't be interested in that because you look at stats and stuff and then you pick

people based on that stuff. Yeah, you pick your guys. It's really fun. Or their name. Well, this brings us to why do I care for today because it's football related so why don't we just get to it because i need to address this it's in it's in the zeitgeist people are talking about it let's do it why do i care all right noah what's the headline and why do i care okay the headline is and you tell me if you care tay Taylor Swift wears rumored new beau Travis Kelsey's birthstone on necklace during NYC outing amid dating speculation from the Daily Mail. Yep, there is dating speculation of her dating Travis Kelsey from the Chiefs.

I really didn't like this at first because this all started with Travis Kelsey. Is he the quarterback? Tight end. Tight end for the Chiefs, which is a position. I don't know my stuff. And then he, what is a tight end, by the way?

I don't know what that is. A tight end is a pass-catching lineman. It's a guy who's on the line. He's a pass-catching lineman. So he's on the line. He can block sometimes for runners or to defend against a sack. But then you can also go out for a pass

and catch a pass. I feel like I'm doing Duolingo and I just kind of understood. I got passed to the next level. I went to music and I started hearing Wichita linemen. That song's pretty good. So the tight end

caught the pass from the quarterback. That's correct. He ran and he was able to rush and get a touchdown. No, you messed up. No, what's a rush? A rush is like a pass. A rush is only when you hand off the ball to somebody. Yeah, the handoff.

And what's a pass is a throw. A handoff always seems to me like a pass because you're like, here you go. And I keep calling a handoff a pass. Okay, I'm getting it straight. So anyway, Travis Kelsey is a tight end for the kansas city chiefs when he went to era's tour in kansas city he gave he wanted to give taylor swift a friendship bracelet that had his number on it not his football number his actual number because he has a crush on her and wanted to meet her no it's not i thought it was annoying i thought it was just another attempt to

get your name in the press and it's like and there was some line about him being like she doesn't meet people before the show so i was kind of bummed out and it just annoyed me because when people want to meet me when i don't feel like it before a show or after a show i'm like yeah don't get mad at me you don't have a right to get bummed out there was you didn't buy a fucking pass and i canceled it you never had a chance to come back here you made up a thing that you should get to do and now you're disappointed that you don't get to meet me? There was never that on the board for you. So you don't get to be disappointed that you don't get to meet her.

So that annoyed me that he was disappointed. You know what I'm talking about? When people are like, I don't believe a famous person would ever say that. There's no way he said that. I think that was his quote. He said it on his podcast. Yeah, he was bummed out

that he didn't get to meet her. Travis Kelsey has a podcast with his brother, Jason Kelsey, who's the... Will you look up the quote about the friendship bracelet, Brian,

that he tried to give her and then the quote of him saying, I was bummed out I didn't get to meet her. I just think it's cute to put his number on a friendship bracelet.

Yeah. That's just my opinion. Great. That's cute. It is cute. I definitely think it's cute it is cute i definitely think it's cute but i'm just like what makes you think that she has to meet you just because you are famous bummed out because maybe he could he probably doesn't know about what do you mean

famous people maybe he doesn't know he's like he's a really famous football player yeah but people aren't trying to meet him yes they are oh my god he's huge i get it it bothered you because he's egotistical enough to think she should i should get to meet her life and meet him yeah like oh travis kelsey is here i should you know jeopardize my vocal strain to go meet him before a show clearly the fact that i had the they didn't but then he was bummed out like i don't like that like here's what the the transcript. I'm just playing the video and reading it as they're saying it. How was it? Yeah, well, I was disappointed

that she doesn't talk before or after her shows because she has to save her voice for the 44 songs that she sings. So I was a little butthurt. I didn't get to hand her one of the bracelets I made for her. You made her a bracelet? Yeah.

If you're up on Taylor Swift concerts, there are friendship bracelets and I received a bunch of them being there, but I wanted to give Taylor Swift one with my number on it. Alright, nah. Your number as an 87 or your phone number? You know which one. Ha ha ha ha. Everyone's laughing. She doesn't

meet anybody. Or at least she didn't want to meet me, so I took it personal. She probably just hasn't gotten over the Super Bowl yet. She's a big fan of the Eagles. Yeah, I made something up. Just didn't want to talk to you. Damn it. That's it. That's kind of annoying. You think it's cute i agree he said i was a little disappointed that she doesn't meet people before after shows she has to save her voice there's nothing wrong with saying that but he thinks like well she would want to meet me and she would get this you don't

you don't get to know how singers are he doesn't realize like you have to your voice is something that you have to like protect. But you wouldn't be annoyed if someone wanted to go meet you and then when you were when they tell them Anya doesn't meet people before shows

they'd be a little bit like I'm butt hurt that she didn't meet me. I love that he called himself butt hurt because he's roasting himself. And he's a tight end. Okay, I do like that actually.

Okay, I'm on board. Now that I heard the butt I do have to say when I heard the butt, I do like that, actually. Okay, I'm on board. Now that I heard the butt, I do have to say, when I heard the butt hurt part, I thought that was actually endearing. And then when I first read it, I think this is the way that things can be taken out of context

and give me a bad. Like, when I first read that, I was just like, oh, are you sad that you didn't get to meet her because you get to meet everyone and you just run the city and you think she comes to your city that she's going to be dying to meet you?

It's like, I just thought it was a little entitled, but I think I see it from your point of view now, which is like, he is famous. He did think that maybe he had a chance, because why wouldn't he? I think maybe if I was as famous as Travis Kelsey, I think maybe I'd have a shot with Taylor Swift, too.

It is endearing. Apparently, they are dating. The quote has been, they've been quietly dating, which makes me laugh, because I picture they just get together, they sit sit in a love seat and they don't talk and they just look at each other's eyes and they like they create each other what do you think about this headline saying she's wearing his birthstone that's so specific i know zoomie is this camera no it's fucking specific because listen taylor swift does communicate in her jewelry, in her fashion. She will, like, Easter egg the shit out of things and tell us about what's coming up.

So I do, I have to say, until I heard this headline, I did not think her and Travis Kelsey were actually talking. And now I do think they are talking because she would not, this, it's too big of a coincidence that that's his birthstone. I think that, and she also is kind of like a, you know, she's a person that's like interested in star signs, I think, and stuff like that.

And she believes in, like she's so smart and so cryptic and so good at doing like stuff like this that could be deniability in it. That's just a coincidence. But also she knows, she doesn't wear things without thinking about what they could mean. And so I do think

this is a confirmation that they are probably talking. And by all accounts, Travis Kelsey, anyone who knows of him and listens to his podcast, my friend Robin, she vouched for him. Everyone seems to love this guy. So I am so on board. And I used to be not on board. And I think I was just because I was jealous

because I want to date her. He's a lovable goofy guy. He's certainly not cool. He's not cool like a famous singer or something. He is a lovable goof. Yeah I like it. So yeah last night she was at dinner with Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern

and Zoe Kravitz. They were quietly eating. That's a weird bunch. No, people are interested because Greta Gerwig obviously is the IT director and Taylor Swift is also a director. I thought we were talking about the girl that's

the young environmentalist. Good. It's Laura Thunberg. That's so funny. I'm actually on board with this. i just want her to be happy i think my initial instincts with anything about taylor is like unless she tells us i don't really believe it and i feel like this was kind of her way of giving a little bit of a wink and a nod to the people who are very much paying attention i just don't appreciate everyone sending me things of like

this commentator said looks like travis kelsey looked for some blank space in the feet like i don't i don't care about weathermen or i don't know why i said it like that i don't care about weathermen or commentators or anyone who's not a swifty like dropping a lot of swift lyrics and things like it's not interesting to me it's it's just a way to get her attention and to group yourself and to make your video go viral because you know Swifties will watch anything and I don't really like it and if you send it to me before don't think that I hate you literally my best friend sent it to me and I love them still but I'm not interested in weathermen working in Taylor Swift quotes to their forecast it's not interesting

to me it's a desperate attempt to be like, look, it's just, you know, like some people just get your thing wrong sometimes. And I'm just telling you, those aren't the things I want to see. But do send me any other Swifty thing. Question. Answer. If you were dating someone for less than two weeks

and they started to wear your birthstone. Creep. Taylor falls fast. Taylor doesn't fuck around. When she knows, she knows. TFF. That is a BDI. According to what you believe,

that's not good to be so vulnerable. I don't mind her falling fast because she's a romantic and I like to fall fast. I love when I meet someone and I'm just like, you just know. I like the stories of we just knew and I like that she fast. I love when I meet someone and I'm just like, you just know. I like the stories of we just knew

and I like that she doesn't take things slow. That's what has made her the artist that she is is that she feels so passionately. So to me, it's her and him doing a little, what can I do, the smallest thing I can do that is a slight nod to the fact that we might be talking

and it's like our personal inside joke and he's like you wear my birthstone. I bet it was like an inside joke with them. Okay. It does not concern me. Interesting. One last thing about this is that before we go to break Travis Kelsey when they supposedly first started getting together he was injured so he

didn't play week one of the season. His penis was injured. He was injured. He was injured for her tight end, which is a different tight end than you would think. No. He was injured. And then after this report came out, he came back for week two.

And I believe, I'm looking it up right now, he caught a touchdown pass when he came back. All right. Is that like a remarkable thing? That's an Easter egg. No, no. He does it almost every time he plays. All All right. Is that like a remarkable thing? That's an Easter egg. No, no. He does it almost every time he plays. All the time. He's very good.

Okay. All right. I approve. Not that it matters what I think about this at all because Taylor is allowed to live her life and hate is going to hate, hate, hate, and I'm going to weigh in all the time, but it doesn't matter. Taylor, live your life. We love you.

And I'm sorry I haven't talked about your personal life. Go Tay. All right. Let's go to break. We'll be right back. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups,

this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart

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I'm going to stay with Sarah Lena in her house. You are? Yeah. And it's apparently, she got it. It was haunted, so i was a little bit scared but they had someone come in and get rid of the ghost oh i didn't hear about that i can't wait to find out yeah the girl's chat was uh a blaze a blaze with um this ghost named michael that was living in her house but then she had a person come to the house and cleanse it like her cleaning people were not wanting they left because they were like the mops keep getting pushed over and there's weird puddles everywhere.

And I was like, is that not annoying? They don't want to get paid money? No, they were like too scared. They were like, there is a ghost here and we're scared and we don't want to work anymore. He's going to make a puddle? That's what I've said. I'm like, what's wrong with a mop getting pushed over? Okay, then don't get money, I guess.

But people are creeped out. They were hearing voices in the elevator. And so anyway, the ghost is gone though. So I feel safe staying there tonight. And I can't see ghosts, so it's fine. But there was a part of me that was a little creeped out. Just leave your phone on record all night, will you please? Okay.

In case a ghost goes. They're just going to hear me fart a lot. That's great. And like wake up coughing like the guy in Seven. Sloth victim. Sloth victim in Seven. The movie Seven. Taylor, one time I quoted that

because I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and my mouth is so dry and I just start choking I like choke myself awake and I'm just like and if you've ever

seen the movie seven when they find the sloth victim they think he's dead and Brad Pitt gets really close up in his face and then the guy

comes to life just going that is me in the middle of the night probably three times a week i'm just gagging um but yeah i'm going to new york and i'm hosting uh an event for women in media uh and communications um sorry and then i'm going to this weekend perform at a country club on friday night that is my um money managers country club and uh they don't he's like they're gonna love it say whatever you want i think there's something i shan't say i don't know if i'm gonna go there for that throttle but um i think it's gonna be one of those gigs where i'm gonna want to leave right after because yeah people are going to be horrified and be like, this is not what this country club is about.

No, they're going to be like drinking. But I can say the N-word a lot, I'm sure. And I've always wanted the freedom to do that. I'm just kidding. I just think country clubs, no offense to them. I've already done it by the time this, oh, no, no, this is going to air actually the night before I do it. But there's something about country clubs that really annoy me.

Because I think they're the latest. But I don't want to talk to anyone else. I went golfing once in Cabo and I talked about this on the pod back then when it happened, but I wasn't wearing a collared shirt so they wouldn't let me swing in the golf club.

And I was like, that is a thing. A collared shirt, so they wouldn't let me swing in the golf club. And I was like, that is a thing. A collared shirt is an expensive thing worn by hoity-toity white cunts. That look bad. And that's what they want on their club. And so they have to make some dumb rule about it. Why does that make me be able to play golf at your dumb club that you think is important? Because you wasted all this land, all this water. Yeah, it just was so gross to me.

I just kind of feel country clubs just make me, and it's just this pageantry of like, this is so nice and we're white and rich and it just feels. Patsy Ramsey. Patsy Ramsey.

PDI. Yeah. But I am excited to perform at one and take your money and I'll tell that to your faces no I'm actually sure I would love to be

long to a country club and I think my grandparents used to and stuff but it does remind me a little bit of like plantation it seems like

it costs a lot to join it and it just but I bet they're nice there is something dirty about it oh yeah they're nice yeah something if you like golf yeah they're nice yeah something

if you like golf yeah that's the other thing you have to like golf all the country clubs you have to like golf but you know it's just about getting a community even if you're even if you're a rich fuck you still need to have a community around you in order to be happy and that's where people go it is about community if you want to like country clubs a little bit more just watch Curb Your Enthusiasm because they are all about it. That kind of makes me like it. That's what I was literally just thinking of,

of like, well, they're not so bad. Larry enjoys a good lunch with Jeff and the guy that talks like this. Yeah. Super Dave.

Yeah. Yeah. And Vince Vaughn is there sometimes. Yeah. I like, you know, I like, I like,

I can get behind it. I'll probably, I've been to some, you know, Christmas Eve dinners at country clubs. Algonquin. Algonquin. Yeah, you've been there.

In St. Louis? I think I'm already getting ahead of them hating me, so I'm trying to hate on them. This is what I do as a defense mechanism. I already feel like they're not going to like me, so I'm already getting defensive. But I'm sure they're going to be very nice and very up for laughing at

horrifying things and then Saturday we'll be in Angola New Jersey so come to that show if you guys live in New Jersey because I think pretty much anywhere in New Jersey like you can get to anywhere in New Jersey it's very close to Manhattan too it's just across the river oh that's great

so take the fucking ferry or the path train or whatever and get there yeah i'm and it's my birthday oh yeah oh my god what day is your birthday saturday night oh my god that'll be so fun yeah what shall we do we shall sing songs and laugh and rick glassman will be there as well who i've never met yeah Rick Glassman from Take Your Shoes Off Pod is going to be there opening for me and I'm so excited

because he's such a fun hang yeah just like a good hang behind the scenes wait Anya I got to get you a gift what do you want you think gifts are burdens and you resent them

I like a cake from Billy's Bakery the one that I had at my wedding that would be amazing okay I got to bring a fucking cake i know something i can bring it i can just get it well that seems great okay well that's okay but what do you want

in terms of like give me diamonds i know but you do you say the gifts are burdens i know what i want i want a platinum wallet it's 330 and it's gonna be at the store up the street at my house i told matt about it he was like he started coughing like the guy in seven what's a platinum wallet it's um no it's by il bisonte this brand that i love and they have like this silvery why do you even know about a brand called il bisonte i've had this purse do you have a favorite brand it's just an italian i happen to buy a purse by them a long time ago in portland and i just love it it's classic and it's very beautiful and very expensive that's what i want and then it's why is it called a platinum it's just shiny silver silvery gold okay yeah but that's not i

don't know i i just want to be with you and have fun honestly and have cake well then that's what i'll give you yeah just my presence and i'll put on some deodorant and a 300 bonus would be great just for the night and that's it no i'm excited to be working i worked last year on my birthday do you guys like working on your birthday it makes you feel like working on your birthday? It makes you feel good. If it's performing a show, then it's fine. It's the best. I wouldn't want to work in the coal mines on my birthday.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to work at AT&T hot dog stand. Stadium. Oh, you get off early because you suck at it. Yeah, performing it doesn't feel like work necessarily. Oh my God, no way. Right? No, it does. Really? Work is work. No, I mean,

Anya does a lot of work that isn't the performing part, but the performing part, do you feel like that's like, oh, work. Me? It's the best. It's so fun. I always wish it was longer. It's so much fun. It goes by so fast. We have so much fun on stage singing together. It's kind of fun to be nervous on this tour

because i'm like oh i'm like a little rusty i've been taking voice lessons though and i'm like noticing uh all these parts of my voice that i was like scared of before now i'm slowly like venturing into new territory so that's been kind of fun no i. It's a blast. And it's so fun to meet people after the show too. And not to sound like I'm hawking shit, but Nikki has these new t-shirts that are so dope. And come see me after the show because I'll be there

near those with lots of music too. I feel bad because they're not for sale online. And I know people are like, why not? And the answer is, I don't fucking know. I don't know how to run my life. Can you imagine a person listening to this? You have a website and then you also have a merch store and you got to find it.

In order to have merch, you have to store the merch and then you have to have someone package it and send it. And yes, you can have third-party vendors do that, but I don't know how to do any of it. There's just so much to this job that i don't i'm not good at doing and you gotta be your own business yeah it's it's it's it's just come to the shows you have to come to the show to get this shirt and we're touring all over and after the tour is wrapped we'll figure out a way to get them to you if you want to order them online but for

now just come to shows and get them. They're so soft and so evil looking and I love them. It's like a skull with barbed wire. Yeah, barbed wire and a microphone and roses. It's gothic. Bucket hat will come off and back on from it. Anya's wearing the shirt on the Eric

Andre episode, which was on yesterday. People can see it on YouTube. Yeah, the Eric Andre episode. You're yesterday. Oh, yeah. People can see it on YouTube. We have yesterday. Yeah, the Eric Andre episode. You're going to get like 45 emails from companies now asking you to be their merch store person. We know.

We already know. They all... Honestly, it's like it isn't that hard to do and eventually we'll probably move to like doing those QR codes where people in the lobby

will just like scan a thing and buy a shirt and it'll get shipped to them. But for now, we're- Yeah, but it's fun to walk out with a tangible thing that you drop in the parking lot and go, why the fuck did you drop that, Julie? I don't know why my mom is screaming at herself

in third person, but that's- How many, like one time I was at a concert and I like, if you go to concerts, you can find merch on the ground all the time because people aren't used to like carrying a shirt so they'll always drop it there's merch everywhere they'll tie their shoe and it's all over for that yes

what's happening with your dog situation yes I found that metric shirt my dog situation the doggies aren't here right now but final thought so I was going to get a foster dog in Los Angeles from Mayday Rescue, who Natalie was on the podcast.

And she also, she was the one that found me, Luigi and Marion. And they are now living with my parents and they're happy and my parents won't give them back to me. So that is fine with me because they have a great life with them. But I want to get another dog. So I almost got the dog of that woman who died but then she didn't

decided not to give it to me I told that on the podcast already yeah no she died but um she didn't even know existed she died and then they were like we gotta give this dog to someone and then I almost got that dog but then I didn't and so then that Chris and I had a conversation around that dog and it really made us realize we want to get a dog and that one fell through so we were like let's actually get one so we went to the humane society or like to uh the north valley north central valley shelter in la on my like last day there and we met this dog that person is named carlos just from looking at it he's so cute sandbarkers. Yeah, because, well, okay, let me just go back. Let's.

Going back to high school, my mom one day came home from the Soulard Market, Farmer's Market, with a duck. And she was like, I got you girls a duck! And we were like, oh my god, this is awesome. We loved any kind of new pet. And that song, A Real Duck.

That Carlos Santana song was big at the time then the shooting and the shooting that song make it a way to make it better i haven't heard that song since like 1998. It's like I hear it every day. It's very memorable. But it was like, Maria, Maria, you remind me of the West Side Story. So then there was a part that, going up in Spanish Harlem,

living the life just like a movie star. Maria, Maria, Maria. And then one part it goes, played by Carlos Santana. Okay, so we, like this, played by Carlos Santana. Okay, so we like this. Played by Carlos Santana. So we got this duck and for some reason Kirsten was like, you should name it played by Carlos and Quackers.

I don't know why, but it was just because that song was so big. If you haven't noticed, in high school, we would just because that song was so big if you haven't noticed in high school we would just take a song and put other words into it like come my lady come come my lady you're my butterfly sugar boner and then so this we did played by carlos san cuacos and so we named him carlos san cuacos and then kirsten again saw this dog that i posted in the girls chat she was like his name is carlos san barcos and so i really did say Carlos yeah yeah I just guessed I know that's crazy that you said that yes so then I told Natalie that so anyway we took out Carlos we played with him and then Chris and I wanted to go to brunch and then go see we had tickets to Oppenheimer and we were like we can't

adopt this dog today because like we can't go back home like we're going we have a full day and I'm an hour away from where I live and we can't just leave the dog in the hotel room. So I was like, I can't get him today. But then he just goes back in his metal cage. It's so sad. So I decided, I was like, okay, can you, her foster was with her, one of the girls that fosters these dogs in her Mayday Rescue. And thank God Sharon was like, I'll take the dog.

When you come back on the 29th, because I'm coming back to L.A. to shoot this thing, she was like, you can get him then, but you come back on the 29th, because I'm coming back to LA to shoot this thing. She was like, you can get him then, but we'll get him spayed and we'll get him teeth cleaning. And then you can pick him up and you can foster him. And then if you feel like it's a good match, you can keep him. And if not, we'll find a place for him. So he was like, that's perfect. So we left and we go home and Chris and I are like, is this the right dog for us?

It kind of has longer hair than we want. Like we had his hair like all over us and we were kind of like, oh no. were also like we don't we can't be like i don't like it because it's hair like you just have you just have to take the dog for what it is you just get one of those little rolly things it's gonna be okay and we were kind of like it's a little bit bigger than we want it to be because we kind of want a dog that's very easy to carry around really the perfect dog for me was this dog the dead woman's dog but i didn't get it because he was little he was quiet and he didn't bark and he was very short-haired but i also was like i'm going to take this dog i'm going to foster it at least and it'll be fine but then natalie called me the other day or she texted me and was like hey can you call me back uh i need to talk to you and i

was like oh my god i'm in trouble because i think she probably noticed that i was not as keen on carlos as i wanted to be because i haven't been asking for pictures of him and i haven't been like doing what an adoptive mother should be doing of like send me every video and she's gonna be mad at me and i just don't want to disappoint her and then so i was like telling chris like i'm nervous to call natalie i think she's mad at me like she might know that we're like not exactly thrilled about this dog but we're still gonna go through with it we're gonna be good parents to it and he was like just call her back like you're getting into a tizzy over nothing so i called her back and she was like hey i just met the dog hobs that you were supposed to get

she met the dog that i was supposed to get because those people also want to adopt another dog because they are like love so many dogs why don't you give me hobs if you want so many other dogs i'm just being snarky and funny but um they got Hobbs and then they met her to get some other dog. And she was like, I met Hobbs. That's the kind of dog you should have. I think Carlos, he's great.

And by the way, she called him Carlos because I said my friends are calling him Carlos. And she was like, that's actually a great name. So his name is Carlos now, by the way.

That is what his name will be the rest of his life because if he gets adopted. So if you want to adopt Carlos, he's available at Mayday Rescue. But she was like, oh, don't worry about Carlos. She was like, feel like carlos is just not the right dog for you he's just like a little too big you need to jog like hobbs she was like i'm not worried about

carlos he will find a home he is so cute he is like one of the greatest dogs we've had and i was like i kind of want carlos now but carlos is available for adoption and i am continuing the hunt for red october for sand quackers for sand quackers um so i am in the market for a dog but it's like i'm just enjoying this time of my life which i think a lot of people might relate to when they like know they're about to have a kid or something where they're like this is the last time my life will be only about me and i don't have to do anything for anyone else because i'm about to get an animal and my life will be, I'll be concerned about something else and it will be a lot of like,

like there'll be a lot of those sighs throughout my day, but. Like a dog peeing at night. The dog having to go pee. Yes. Down 12 flights. Yes. Oh, not that you have to walk on the stairs

or anything. But yes, just having like. It's a long hallway. Yeah, it's just like, or, you know, something goes wrong with the dog, you got to take it to the vet. There's like, it's a responsibility. So I, it's just like, or, you know, something goes wrong with the dog, you got to take it to the vet. There's like,

it's a responsibility. So I'm just, I'm enjoying this calm of my life right now where I don't have a dog, but I can't wait to get one because I'm going to bring him on the road with me and he's going to be a little backstage dog. He's going to trot out on stage

because he'll be like, where's mama? And I'll be like, I'm out of here. And then he'll come out and the audience will cheer and then he'll get scared and run away. And it'll be so much fun.

And yeah, that's what's going on do you want to be a lot easier because you have chris living with you so you don't have the responsibility of taking care of the dog well i told him that i actually will like this is a thing i want more than he wants he's not like opposed to it at all he's actually in love with it yes he will but he just like he did luigi and marion but we've already talked about it like i'm the main person who's going to take them out and feed them and like be i'm gonna be like the mom in a very traditional sense and then he will he's like i'm happy to take them out when you don't feel like it like i'll step in and do anything you

need for these dogs but i like the understanding that this is like your thing and i'm like that's what i want all i asked him for is that he call it our dog and not my dog because i don't want him on radio being like nikki's dog i'm like it will make it more special to me if it's our dog just like husband unless we break up and then it's mine uh well uh pre-pup. Pre-not. Pre-not pup. Because like, who would get the dog if you broke up? Anya. Matt. People always go back on that though. Oh, right.

That would be hard. You just split up and had an animal situation. And it was agreed that it was Burke's cat. 100% Burke had to do everything. Burke did it. BDI. Burke DDI. Burke had to do everything if the BDI Burke DDI Burke didn't do it if the cat ever

would stop using the toilet then it would be an outdoor cat everything and nope I forgot that you trained that cat to use a toilet yes and outdoor cats are bullshit you should know that they kill so many birds oh yeah no outdoor cats boo

they kill so many birds. No outdoor cats. Boo. Big whoopty do. Big whoopty do. They kill billions of birds and affect whole. He was in door and rip mulchie. He got killed. Rip. Let her rip. I'm sorry. RIP mulchie, but Taylor did mulchie

pee in the toilet? Yeah, he peed and pooped in the toilet. How did you train him? When you don't even do that, you go outside. No, I go outside like a goddamn madman. So a toilet and it had bigger and bigger rings that you would

pop out and you put less and less litter in it until he just balanced on the seat. Oh, so you can buy like training trays. Yeah, it's called City Kitty. Oh my god. It's really cool. I recommend it. That's really cool. It has to be a kitten, I think. Doesn't he flush? Because you can't teach

an old cat. He didn't flush because he was too little yet and then he reverted to his old ways. Did he use the bidet? Oh my god. Did he use the bidet? Alright, we have to go. Thank you guys for watching, listening,

whatever you did with the pod. We so appreciate it. Taylor, thank you for being here in person. Onion, Brian. Thank you guys. Noah.

Thank you. I will see you this week in Englewood, New Jersey. Y'all come out to the show. If you're available in the area, we love it. And you also have dates with David Spade this month. Oh yeah.

And I will be a Dave. Yeah. The 29th and 30th. Yeah. In Las area. Always up to no good. We love it. And we also have dates with David Spade this month. Oh, yeah. The 29th and 30th. We'll be at David. Yeah, the 29th and 30th. Yeah, in Las Vegas, September 29th and 30th. Anya will also be at those just in the background, though. But she will be there hanging out with us. And we will be working on our Taylor Swift cover band, The Blank Spaces. That is TBD when we'll release that. But yeah, follow our Instagram

for us to play before shows because that's the way Anya and I like to warm up for shows is to go live on Instagram and play a bunch of Taylor Swift songs. And now Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo. That's in our repertoire now, so don't even think it isn't.

Like a goddamn vampire. It's a scorcher. It is. It's a good one. Scorched earth. So thank you for listening. Don't be cute. And's a good one. Scorched earth. So thank you for listening. Don't be cute. And just be the one.

Jack Russell is what Nikki wants. Oh. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing,

and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep blue sports and entertainment. Listen to welcome to the party. That's P A R T E E on the I heart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.