The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #38 My Meds Were Peaking, Please

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

Nikki wonders if she needs more than a "jalopy and a half" to drive around town. Andrew did not take the hint that Nikki was sad last night over a relationship. She explains an overrated joke and even gets her dad EJ in on it. Andrew's You Heard it Here First inspires conversations about finances, favorite kid viral videos and hoodies with "dick" room. Nikki's Reddit Dump features a creepy crawler video and Kanye's joke. And in the Final Thought Nikki reads a DM from a listener who saw Andrew drop sushi at Whole Foods and Andrew reveals how he was once ahead of his time and also too little too late. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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There's a guide for that, too. The Happiness Lab's how-to season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yes. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

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And it's morning here for sure. God, I just cannot. This morning I did wake up feeling way better than I did yesterday. The depression has lifted. I was really depressed this past weekend and yesterday even for a lot of the day. It has to do with my period. I mean, it must. I think I have what a lot of people call PMDD on top of just being normally depressed because,

you know, the state of the world and uh kind of seeing uh things for what they are sometimes you just are like well things are pretty sad but it's lifted today isn't that weird how it can just like lift like a cold that's how it it feels for me like getting out of bed yesterday was not easy i was in a mood uh eventually got out of it. But yeah, it's got to be that. Do you have any, what are your premenstrual symptoms, Noah? I never see my goddamn period coming. Maybe that's because I get it so irregularly. I'm always shocked that my body still functions like that.

But mine's a coming. Dorm's a brewing. I think we've lined up because i'm feeling the same way and for me it's moodiness like my mood just goes up it's up and down i can't control it i really only have one week in the month where i feel like totally awesome and 100 i agree it's like pms is like pre post and present it's all it's all of the things it doesn't just have because men listening it's pms stands i found out through different bits i did for shows that men don't know what pms stands for a lot of women don't either but it's pre menstrual and um it's supposed to be like oh the days before but it really it's the

whole damn thing and i don't mean to i realized that the reason i just had an epiphany the other day the reason we're fucking insane as teenage girls is because hormones like there's no i just thought we were twice and like that was just a phase you go through because you're just, you know, I mean, no one can help the way they are. So I never like blamed teenage girls or teenagers for all being irrational. But your body is a swarming, roiling, tundra storm of hormones. And sometimes the only thing you can do is say fuck you mom and slam your room door and then not come out until everyone maybe has forgotten that you did that or to hurl your body onto the floor screaming crying because someone got a car and you'd have

to drive something like your mom's gross car or something well why am i talking about my teenage life like it isn't my life now because my mom did get a car and now i have to drive her gross car what is happening i'm honestly i was presenting a thing that would i would cry about in high school and it's really my reality um i have a problem where i uh don't like to have nice things myself but i like for people in my life to have nice things like i would rather buy designer clothes and really expensive things for my family and my friends than myself um i was i got my mom a car over the weekend which is probably the biggest purchase i've ever made it was the first car i've ever bought because the first car i got

on my own i was leasing and so this is the first car i bought and it wasn't even for me um and it felt really good to do i think i'm like really into buying gifts in a way that like people don't even need to thank me because i get so much out of it that it i mean they do need to thank me because that's there's nothing i hate more than giving something and then it doesn't receive a thank you which by the way i should let go it shouldn't depend on a thank you clearly that's a hang-up i have my family does that a lot where they'll be like and they didn't even thank us for that or they didn't even say anything about the thing that we did i brought lunch for them and they didn't even say thank you it's like you can't just don't do things

waiting for the thank you because you're people are always going to let you down if you're always what what's the phrase expectations are future resentments so like have no expectations for anyone so i really i try not to but um i was supposed to get a tesla right on the heels of my getting my mom a car i was gonna buy two cars in one day and just be like fuck it like i need a car mama needs a car that's what i call myself and also my mom needs a car mama needs a car and mama needs a car that's what i call myself and also my mom needs a car mama needs a car and mama needs a car so i took my mom to a dealership and i pretended with andrew pretended like i was looking for myself we test drove two cars and i was and i wanted to get her a hybrid because i just want them to be globally i like They're both like they care about the environment a lot.

There's just no reason to drive a gas guzzling car anymore if you could afford it. So I was like, you're getting a high. I go, I don't know which one to get, but it's your car, so you decide. And she was just like, wait, what? And then she wanted to go. She was like, no, Nikki, no, no, you can't.

I go, it's not up for debate she goes well then if that's the case can I look on and I go no you are not allowed to go on Craigslist we are not going driving to Edwardsville so you can meet a guy in a parking lot about a Mazda that was you know if we're gonna save 600 bucks because it was in an accident that only hit the door and they fixed it and then the door then there's rain inside the door somewhere and it starts to smell like mildew there's always an issue with some car that you get a discount on i go i don't we're getting you're getting one here or you're not getting one it's really you know moved along the process because how often are we so paralyzed by like

i could just get a better deal i I can find something I like more, both in dating and car shopping, because I was supposed to go get a Tesla. And guess what? I'm frozen. I can't do it. I cannot spend that much money on something that I don't really care about. You know, like I don't,

I just need to get from point A to point B. And my mom's old 2004 Lexus, that is a jalopy and a half even though it's lexus so it drives cruises well but it's old that's what i'm tooling around it now and i'm like i don't need a car so yesterday and then i go then i had a thing of like i need a prius that's what i want i just want to fucking pray i've been talking about this since my podcast over the summer. This is embarrassing. I was like, I'll get a brand new Prius treat myself because it's not it's not like it's not $50,000 Tesla. It's not like this thing that I have to keep so nice because it's a Tesla.

And it's like, and why do I need it? I wanted to get a Tesla because it's green and it's electric boogie woogie woogie and it uh you know but then i also was like you know priuses get 51 miles till the gallon they feel good they're not electric fully but and i just priuses are not ostentatious they're just like my ex-boyfriend used to say i love a prius because you could be rich or you could just not be but like no one knows because it's just good for them it's just a practical car no one knows you're not saying anything about your status really and i liked that and andrew was like you should get maybe andrew's point was like you need to get a car and we went we went and test drove a Prius yesterday because he found one he was like let's go do this one I have a little bit of a um loyalty to the place that sold me my mom's car because

those guys were nice they let me roast them we had a rapport and Andrew's like what do you owe them and I'm like I don't know they were nice guys and now I know them so why wouldn't I get one from them if I can so I'm negotiating with that guy via text the dealer that sold my mom's car and um I'm like I'll do I'll pay cash if you can hit this price and then I'm negotiating with the dealer at the the shop and at the other one and I just got the idea that he when I go with Andrew they don't even look at me they think we're a couple they they act like I have no I go i'm paying by the way sir so why are you acting like i the guy's like you could put eyelashes on the headlights i mean he didn't say that but that's seriously the kind of things that this guy's showing me and then i get in the car and the

inner console will not open like there's like one you know like the the middle console sometimes there's like a top section and then there's another button for like the big section the big section would not open up and these guys both Andrew and the guy the guy really was talking down to me there's a button I go sir I'm looking at all the buttons there isn't one to open it and I go you know what actually let's see if a man can figure it out I got out Andrew gets in cannot figure it out it felt so satisfying but it's just like I feel like you walk into these dealerships and they don't even look at you like someone who could as a woman with a man then he talks to andrew like let's talk about engines and it's like

why is andrew get the insider like the little whispering like deal memos and i get treated like well the wife is you know she wants what she wants can we get it in pink that's how i felt and i go i don't want to give this place my business because that guy treated me like i don't have money and that i'm not the one making the decision and i just go and andrew's like why don't we just get it here instead of going over the other one i go because i don't want to give this guy my business because that annoyed me how he treated me and then andrew i guess had whispered to him that i was famous that's what they were whispering about i thought they were whispering about like apr financing and you know horsepower and cylinders but andrew was like she's a famous comedian she doesn't like to tell people that's what he told me he told me later and um the truth is i i love to tell people but not when this guy i did want to have a julia

roberts moment of like big mistake huge but and there was a also part of me that wanted me to spend the money so i could go you know what sir you actually i'll buy it here in cash and i'll pay more to show you and it's's like, who's that showing? No one wins in that. So I was like, I don't want to give this guy my business. Even though he ended up being nice once he found out I was famous. We were like walking around the parking lot

looking at used cars. I'm sorry, pre-owned cars. It's all such a fucking ruse. You say used and they say pre-owned back to you. I go, do you have any used Priuses? Our pre-owned selection of hybrids. And I go, you mean used? They're're used and it's not like a bad word i'm like stop slut shaming these cars just because they've had some experience i really felt that way i'm like everything has to be fucking new for men

men love new they love not and i'm and i'm starting to speaking to all men some men love used cars and i'm not talking about vintage cars i'm talking about like a 2018 as opposed to 2021 i don't care i don't care if it had a previous owner people take such good care of their cars compared to me that um they seem new and i think that buying a new car is the dumbest thing you can do like i have a friend who was a car salesman forever and he was like nikki buying a used car is literally the dumbest thing you can do and i that's stuck in my head and i will never not i will never buy a used car that being said i might well the tesla i was supposed to go drive and look into i just don't care about looking cool i just don't like teslas do look cool but i was getting them for the environment and i know you're like why don't you get a Leaf then? Those are $12,000.

Well, those are shit. And I will get crushed. I will be a little crushed can if I plow into a semi. I mean, I don't know if Teslas are safer. I assume they are. They can go in space and shit. But Teslas look so cool. And I would feel so cool.

I would have to keep it so nice because it's a Tesla. You can't like junk up a Tesla. A Prius, I can really beat up. And if I back into something, if I ding the car door with a Tesla, I'm going to go, oh, no. If I ding my Prius, I'm going to go, oh, that's okay. Well, moving on. Like, I don't care, you know. And Andrew's like, you just need a car. That's all it isrew's like you just need a car that's all it

is nikki you just need a car and i go i have one my mom gave me her lexus it runs fine we're in it right now it smells like coffee because i dumped a huge venti coffee in my lap as we were going to the dealership that was another story i've i have been foiled I have dumped three venti lattes over the past three days. No, two. And then one other one I didn't get to drink. I've been God or whatever. And I do believe in a higher power. Something's been sending me a sign that I shouldn't have a second latte every day for the past three days. First day, I knocked it over over all over a rug all over a whole venti one all over this rug in my living room while i'm on a meeting on zoom and um and i just go i laughed i go i guess i wasn't meant to have that and i was like i'm gonna learn something from cleaning this

rug like all did not bother me at all even though it was you know seven dollars and i really wanted it then the day after i went and got two lattes because the one next door next door to me didn't have almond milk. So I had to drive across town, not across town, but a couple of miles to another Starbucks to get the almond milk latte. I got two because I go, you know, bitch, you might want one later. Who knows? Got to grab the wrong one. It was a white white mocha and then so i only got one that day so another drink taken from me then yesterday got my second latte carried it to the car spilled it all over my lap why three days in a row does the world not want me to have two lattes i don't know but i'll tell you i went and got a third yesterday. So I did have that second latte. Didn't spill it.

Held it very steadily back to my place. My point is, I don't need nice things. I'm going to ruin them anyway. Andrew said, I need to have a night. You need to have a car. And I go, why do I need a Tesla? So I can, where am I going in St. Louis? Today I have to go to my orthodontist so I can pick up some trays to straighten the teeth,

a tooth that I've been trying to straighten since October, 2016 Invisalign can't seem to get it right. Then I have to go over to my mom's house. Then I have to go. I have nowhere to go. I have to, am I, if I was going to fucking, you know, coy every night in Los Angeles, maybe I want a shiny new light to white Tesla, But in St. Louis, where my life is pretty empty, I don't need to look cool rolling up to my sister's house in a Tesla. Oh, I got to go over

and see Poppy and Arlo in my new Tesla. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I just need to get... My mom's junkie Lexus is fine because I'm a little bit depressed and I don't think I deserve nice things.

Let's get Andrew in. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending,

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the insights behind what it takes to create a world-renowned product, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard. Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop. I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way. Ever wanted to know how Nike builds emotion into the Jordan brand? You have to be obsessed with the current state of the human condition.

And it doesn't stop there. What about how Gleam reinvented knowledge search with AI? You can learn about how a Michelin star chef is redesigning seeds for flavor and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Morning, Andrew. Hey, good morning, Nikki. Hi, i didn't appreciate you saying coming baby i said sugar i just i switched it to sugar but you said baby and then you said sugar on top of that no no no we're not doing that come my lady come come my lady i forgot we did that whole thing already yeah Yeah. Dude, how'd you sleep last night?

I slept good, man. I slept real good. What did we do last night before we went to bed? I'm trying to think. Like, you looked out the window, and I was just on the couch being sad, waiting for you to ask me about my love life so I could update you, but you never did. You just tell me. Why are you waiting? No, because I don't want you to go.

I didn't know there were updates. There aren't. I'm just sad. I was just sad last night. I wanted to talk about this. But the thing is, I could tell you, but I just don't want to. Men, boyfriends, men that are friends, even though Andrew is great at it, Noah, as you know, he is very good at being friends with girls.

You always have, right? Yeah. I don't know why but I have I really don't know like why like it's in high school saying they called me ace I had like four girlfriends that were like really close yeah where they know no idea missing I think they're all married or yeah they're all married with kids so missing yeah they're done from their own lives no I'm with kids so missing yeah they're done from their own lives no i'm just kidding i'm sure they have fulfilling lives some of them probably half of them are miserable well two uh yeah two is half of four one of them left my buddy who that's what inspired him to do stand-up because she left him for a guy with a bigger penis what yeah apparently your biggest fear yeah i think that you made that up

in your head maybe i did no it really is a true story the guy apparently has a huge cock i don't know how i found that out probably through some kind of research hold on though if that happened to you yeah i mean that is the most devastating i mean that's any guy that a girl would leave me for? No, Andrew. Yours is probably average from what we've determined. Yes. Okay. But that is your biggest nightmare. But the thing is,

a woman does not leave a man because he has a bigger penis. It's like, it has nothing to do. It doesn't hurt. Or it does. I mean, maybe it does so good.

I mean, it just, that whole misconception. You're telling me you haven't compared penises of like your boyfriends, like your new boyfriend. You didn't go, oh, his penis was bigger than the last guy. I mean, maybe that went in my head. But the thing is, I just said it before.

I just don't need it as long as there's toys. Oh. I just don't need like a huge, it's guess it would be nice but a huge i mean this conversation has been had a million different ways on a million different podcasts but like some women are size queens but i just i that to me would not i don't want a guy who's insecure about his that's the thing i don't want i don't want a guy who's insecure about his penis insecure well i'm not insecure. Well, I meant saying you. You are. So you're girlfriends. Okay.

Wait, we can go back to your love life. Wait. No, no, no. I don't want to talk about it. So let's just say, let's revisit the last night. I wasn't mad at you. I was just kidding. I'm looking out the window. I know, but then I look at you.

I go, hey, Nick, what's going on with you and your love life? What would you have said last night? I sad okay and then what i really miss that person oh and it's bubbling up again and it wasn't that way before but i think it's a symptom of my period about to start and just like longing for um someone to get me pregnant or whatever my body's making me feel feelings that i didn't feel a couple days ago just like really sad yesterday really in my feelings as drake would say okay so when you get in your feelings what are your thoughts like are they really sad like dark thoughts or are they no they're just like a longing of looking at your phone and trying to will it to be the um number

of the person or the the the name of the person or like just you know well you're going to la tomorrow does it it probably starts to rekindle when you know you're gonna be within a certain amount of distance to that person i don't think that's even factoring in because I don't, that's the weird part about this. I have no desire to like put it out into the world so that this person might know I'm nearby, even though that's what I'm doing right now. I hope anyone that I'm romantically involved with, please, or have been in the past,

or would consider me a sexual partner in the future. I'm talking to you right now. Stop listening to this. I'm not kidding you. I don't want you listening to this. You know who you are. But, you know, reach out if you'd like a relationship. If you'd like to pursue a relationship.

Because there's no way I'm just jumping into one. But if you would like to pursue one, I'm standing by. All operators are standing by. Everyone on deck. Wait. And so here's the thing. I think if you are in the Nikki and you think that she'd be into you,

listen to the first 10 minutes of when I come on and if we start saying, hey, maybe she might want to date, that's the only part of the podcast you should listen to. Don't listen to the whole podcast.

If someone wants to date me and has never met me, keep listening. I don't really give a shit. You probably don't really have a chance because you'll tell me you listen to the podcast and then I'll feel too seen

and I'll want to run away. So just lie to me if we end up dating that you haven't heard the podcast or reveal it later when I'm already like emotionally invested and I can be like, that's so cute. You listened. I didn't know. But don't actually don't lie to me. Just lie by omission because I'm never going to ask you, do you listen to my podcast? I'm never going to put that phrase.

I'm not never going to say that on a date. So if you're a guy that I end up dating, don't lie to me ever, please. But yeah, just you can listen. Also, you being in St. Louis, I heard the very last part where it's like, why have a Tesla if I'm in St. Louis? Yeah.

Well, you would have the Tesla for you. Why? I'm inside it. Why? Huh? The inside of Teslas aren't even that cool. It's fast. Where am I going You know you need for speed

I do need a 3am drag race on Kings Highway That I hear outside my window Cool Killing a family of four For no reason Because I had to go through this light Because my dad didn't love me enough He loved me too much

And he showed me all the insides of a car engine like but then he left but then he left wait my dad doesn't know any he couldn't even point out the but your dad would get talked to by a dealer at a dealership quicker than a woman who knew who quicker than you know that one girl who did go daddy commercials danica oh you know i'm saying like i just love how men at dealerships just like talk to you and then they look at me like oh and we got uh you know you could put some kids seats in the back and there's a little mirror for your makeup ma'am that's how you felt from yes i didn't like that guy yesterday i was really annoyed by him andrew was really helpful yesterday he was like let's just go to the dealership let's do it we got in the car it was

a i spilled a coffee on myself i mean that was hilarious that was yeah the entire coffee it should be in black and white and that music should play because you keep you dropped it on yourself twice or um the second time you knocked it into my lap the rest of it that was i wasn't annoyed i just it was hilarious we were laughing so hard that they got it wasn't that hot when i spilled my coffee a venti coffee half of it a grande dropped into my lap i survived that maybe a fourth of it survived then i put the fourth of it a cup holder and as we're pulling out andrew knocks that into my lap too and we we are laughing. I mean, it was really funny. That's the joy of accepting life as it is and being like, instead of going like, Michael!

Just being like, this is so funny. But here's the thing. If you had a brand new Tesla, would it change your personality? If you dropped a full coffee on your brand new $80,000 Tesla. You know, I feel so upset that I spent because I think about let's say I was gonna get a used Tesla $51,000 okay I think about $51,000 I am so cheap when it comes to other things like when I think about clothes when I think about you know have you ever spent a thousand dollars on clothes how much clothes you can get have you ever just gone on a spree?

You can get like three shirts at a nice place or whatever. But you feel like, wow, $1,000. That's the most I ever want to spend on clothes. Imagine spending that 51 times in one day on clothes. I could have Cher Horowitz's wardrobe in Clueless. I always think about what you could get for that money. And I'm just like, is spending the extra $20, dollars versus a new prius going to make me any happier no it's just gonna make me think about that twenty thousand dollars that i could have spent on like twenty thousand uh or like you know ten thousand

no look i'm with you on the prius i'm pro pre you know me i'm pretty fontaine yes look i love the prius i have a corolla i obviously don't need the need for speed, you know, but I also don't have the option of being able to buy the, I get that. But I'm just saying, the Prius is a great car. It's a great car for you. I just, why not just drive my mom's? Or drive that. You're looking at, I don't think you need to buy a new car.

You bought your mom a new used car. I know. You did it. That's the dream, is bought your mom a new used car. I know. You did it. That's the dream is buying your mom a car so she's happy. Yeah, she's very, very happy. I mean, that was unbelievable. I'm so glad that I got to experience what it's like to be successful, to help a parent. I mean.

Look, I bought my mom a hug. The thing thing is giving gifts is very self-serving for me i like it it like because my mom is like are you did you regret your purchase she keeps following up with me and i go mom it's the only thing i won't regret like if i bought it for myself i'd regret it like i don't like spending that stuff on myself but other people i love spending money on other people but do you regret um is it annoying to for her to go do you regret like that car or do you get that same feeling of oh i hate that i said stop it because i'm only bought you this car so that you would feel good about yourself because you don't like yourself so much that i felt like maybe it might make you feel like you're worthy and like just drive around in it and like know that you deserve it and like this is the car you should be in you shouldn't be

in jalopies you should treat yourself to nice things stop if this brings you I literally go if this makes you and dad fight about anything because she goes your dad and I will share this car and I go no you won't is your car because I don't want any fights happening from this car of like Julie you never clean the car I go if dad not, I don't care if you drive this car and you never get an oil change. It's disgusting. You hoard a bunch of trash in it and it becomes, you know, totaled based on your lack of care for it within a year. You can do whatever the fuck you want with it. And dad can't say shit. You can really run this car into the ground in a couple months and i won't care because it's yours to ruin it is not something that like because i feel like so many things in our lives or at least my

family's life it's like well we got you this nice thing and now you ruined it you can't have nice things it's like well it's mine to ruin bitch it's mine recently someone had a great quote of like oh someone had a great quote that i think about a lot and i just read this other day they said it was like a tweet that said when i give money to homeless people i don't care how they spend it because it's not my money anymore and it's like oh that's a cool thing to say i'm like i'm not gonna give money to this because they're just gonna spend it on this it's like either it or don't, but you don't get to say what they spend it on. I saw a funny tweet with

a guy. They're like, he gave money to a homeless person and the guy's like, you're just going to give that to homeless? He's just going to pay for drugs with that money. And the guy's like, yeah, what do you think I was going to buy? It was a very

honest... I think that was on the family circus in the comics section in 1986, that joke. Hey, it's new to me. Oh my god, that's been at every open mic since 1991. I love that you're like, this guy the other night said,

take my wife. Please. It was so good. I came home the other day. My uh take my wife please it was so good i came home the other day my wife is blowing another guy i'm like hey man what's going on i don't understand why take my wife please is like this classic joke that everyone says i mean i guess if you don't know what that is you know it's in reference to shecky green okay it's just a famous joke of take my wife, please. Will you explain that joke to me, please? I mean, I would assume that he is annoyed with his wife. A lot of guys are annoyed with their...

But what's funny about it? Because a lot of guys are annoyed with their wife. Uh-huh. And he can't say leave, get out of here. He has to tell someone else to take her. That's why you think that joke's funny? I'm just saying that's probably where the funny comes from. I'm not saying that that's... Noah,'s why you think that joke's funny? I'm just saying that's probably where the funny comes from. I'm not saying that that's... Noah, do you know why that

joke's funny? Because it's confusing and I don't understand why people always cite it as like a classic stand-up joke. Why do you think it's funny? Well, I know why it's funny. Oh. Noah, can you explain to me? Yes, you're wrong. You really think take my wife please is funny because a guy is telling people to take his wife.

Yeah, take my wife. Get her out of here. The please is funny because a guy is telling people to take his wife yeah take my wife get it out of here the please is the punchline by the way do you know that yeah well explain it why please would be the punchline because you're telling them take my wife alone it's not funny right or is it well both i think are funny for me okay well you're not objective well you're not understanding the joke that no i can you explain the joke i think it's just like a um a play on men's fantasy of wanting to remove their wives from their lives okay that's what i said it's not well the joke is not that the joke is actually a play on the colloquialisms so when you're on when so take for example take my guitar okay right sure what does that mean when i say take my guitar what does that mean take my no no what does it mean actually when the way i just presented it take my guitar it feels like i i'm sick of i don't want to play anymore get it out of my life oh wait a minute thank you noah if i in conversation go

no it just didn't she got it she got it we don't know but maybe the listener got it and by the way listener if you don't get this i'm not saying you're stupid i don't think andrew's stupid it's this is why i'm so confounded why take my wife please has become this like cultural you've heard that before right take my wife please maybe you've never heard anyone reference it i don't think so i was thinking around the danger field when you're doing that i haven't but i think i get the joke now but take my wife please if you just google it it i mean it's the most you'll hear it everywhere so if i say if i go take my guitar i mean what does that mean i for me i i think you're done playing the guitar you don't want the guitar in your life okay no that's not it no i can you can you okay try to explain it i'm gonna have sex

with your guitar no wait what oh okay okay so let me explain it because i think i know what it means but it's so funny to me if we i think i'm blowing the lid open on something that everyone doesn't know what take my wife please is actually a joke about can i call my dad to see if he knows go for it i really want to see if my dad knows i think there's a lot of confused people at home i don't think i don't think me and noah are alone hold on i just want to google will you google take my wife please just see really quick and just see see make sure that it's a well-known thing because I think some people are being like, I've never heard of that before, but it's a very well-known joke

that is quoted by Shecky Green and is often referenced in jokes, okay? And I'm just going to call my dad really quick and see if he understands it because maybe I'm wrong. It was Honey Youngman. Oh, Henny Youngman, okay. So you weren't even right about that. Well, maybe the same. Oh, Henny Youngman. Okay. You weren't even right about that.

Well, maybe the same. Oh, Dad, come on. Wow, he screamed you. I know. Because you didn't get him a car. Try my dad one more time. He's probably fishing. Hey, Nikki.

Hey, Dad. You screamed her. Why did you hang up on me before i thought i was calling you by mistake i just grabbed my phone and started ringing so i thought i called you by mistake got it um i have a quick question yes ma'am we're doing the podcast and um i just referenced the joke take my wife please you know that joke yeah who who said that joke? I said Henny Youngman. You are right. You were right. I said Shecky Green.

Was that a bad guess? No, it was a good guess. Thank you, Dad. Both in the same genre, right? And generation? Yep, exactly. Okay, so Dad, really quick. I need to just ask you,

will you explain to us why Take My Wife, Please is funny? The first time he ever did it, I it on the merv griffin show and he was he was old then and uh it's just like you know he's done with his wife he wants you to take her i'm done i know but dad why is it hold on dad why is it funny though to say take my wife please please is the punchline right because take my wife is not funny right yeah if you're talking about, you know, let me tell you about, you know,

something about my wife's makeup. Take my wife, for instance. You know, take my wife, for instance. It's a colloquialism. We go, take, like, take my roommate, Andrew. Like, you're giving an example. Like, he's, right, Dad? Yeah.

Like, if I was talking about, I've had a lot of roommates in my life, and some of them have been my life and some of them have been great and some of them have been bad i see now take andrew collin please yeah and then please is the joke take is just a take my wife does not mean the first part does we are supposed to as an audience i think i mean i think if i had context though i think me and noah would have got it that's the point i'm making is that that joke is stupid and why is it so well known? Because there is no context for it.

People do not know what the fuck that guy is talking about. And that joke is used as like this example of jokes when no one actually walking the streets hearing that joke reference actually knows what it means. Yes, they do. Take, take. Dad, I just sat here with Noah and Andrew.

No, but she didn't give us any, we should have heard a whole bit. But it's never referenced as a bit. It's always referenced as take my wife, please. There's never anything preceding it. And that is the problem I have with it as a comedian. And if you take your podcast, for instance, please. OK, well, we're taking it off the air from you.

But thank you, Dad, for explaining the joke that I have been hoping I wasn't crazy and thinking that was what it's about. We got to get to the news. Thanks, EJ. You're steeped in comedy history, though, with knowing Shelly Berman. That's a good thing. Shelly Berman?

No, it's Shecky Green, she said. Wait, now we've got to confuse. Shecky Green and... Shelly Berman and Henry Kissinger. This is like the Catskills. The lineup at the Catskills. Okay, Henny Youngman. And David Finkelstein.

Who was Noah's teacher. Alright, we gotta go dancing. Wait, what was the noise that Noah made yesterday? I can't even recreate it. Wait, do it again no wait hold on i can't i have to do the original one yeah i thought it sounds okay sorry sorry i thought you might have a cute up let's get to the news that i do have cute up so do the people get it though i don't know if the people understand yeah no they get it my dad explained it all right if they don't it's like you know it's a lost cause but it just annoys me that that's a joke that everyone's supposed to understand well take it from me please you heard it here first please

please oh boy gosh you know look it's tuesday tuesday doesn't get enough credit it's like when you're turned 27 no one cares anymore because nothing happens oh i'm turning 37 on tuesday talk about an age people just want you to die okay so i hope you're having a great time out there and all the funds help me i mean all the swells uh-oh oh boy Oh boy, my brain's going dum-dum. Whoa, take my co-host. Please. Outback and shoot him. Hey, look, it's your car now. It's your car, Mom.

Drive off the cliff if you want. Yeah. Do whatever you want. Take your seatbelt off. Listen, plug the exhaust with an old rag and start the car and hang out in the garage. Oh wait, it's not gonna kill you because it's a fucking Prius? Wait, would it just kill you slower? Would it kill you more

efficiently? Something so funny about a guy who wants to end it all. He's like in his garage and he puts... For three weeks he dies of starvation. This thing ain't working. I think it would still kill you i think i don't know i don't know if you know out there take my car it's like trying to put your head in the easy bake oven i used to have a joke as a child of like i was a depressed child i used to stick my head in the easy bake oven i heard that on an open mic i mean i'm sure you did that's a

great joke the level of difficulty on that is about a 2.3 i don't think so i think that's a good job i'm a genius all right roller coaster yeah all right so here's the first headline there are seven money personality types which one are you are you the compulsive saver whoa noah you always pick such good are you the compulsive spender are you the compulsive spender? Are you the compulsive moneymaker? The indifferent to money? The saver splurger? The gambler? The worrier?

This feels like a rag tag of fun people. I am the saver splurger. So, okay. The saver splurger shares a combination of traits between the savers and spenders is smart with money for a certain amount of time but may then give in to spending impulses out of nowhere yeah when i when my adhd meds kick in many good things happen in my life because i have add um but one of them is i want to buy things you wouldn't go with me to lululemon

yesterday because i couldn't go in there because I knew that my meds were peaking and I wanted and I was about to sign up for a class online with Ryan Tedder to learn how to songwriting. I was about to drop 366 on a class I wouldn't. I didn't end up doing it though. That's why you didn't come with me to the

diner. You'd go I'm into something right now. Yeah because you were sitting there in our phones, and you go, I'm going to go to Lulu. And I go, I don't want to go there because I'm going to spend money. And I have a friend that works there that's offering to send me a bunch of free stuff. Yeah, why haven't you not sent her an email yet? Because I haven't ever felt compelled to go make a list of things, even though that is so nice,

and I appreciate anyone offering me free stuff, unless it has CBD in it. Please, no more offering me anything with CBD.d i don't want cbd thc so many people try to dm me i got a new cbd lotion a new cbd eye drop a new cbd t-shirt it's like stop putting cbd in things well you like weed you don't like cbd i'm i'm but you know what i mean about cbd weed. You don't like CBD. I'm on the fence about CBD. But also, don't give me your weed stuff. I have enough now to last me two. Can we tell that story? No, no.

I mean, not yet. We will someday. I mean, I alluded to it yesterday, but it was wild. We had a visitor yesterday. It was so fun. We had company over. It was really good. But okay, so that's the way I am.

I'm someone who um we could say something about him without worry about money and then i let's stay on this topic but maybe in final thought i worry about money sometimes i'm like i don't have enough oh my god i've been spending too much i don't even know how much i have and then there are other times where i'm like get this shit away from me i'm so rich i am a single woman i don't have any overhead i don't have kids let me spend it like crazy like like yesterday when i didn't want to get you your coffee a coffee for you that was me being like i just bought my mom a car i buy everyone everything i can't keep doing this i'm going to be bled dry and then then i tighten up

because i'm just like it but it's all based on anxiety has nothing to do with like actually feeling financially insecure and then there are times where I'm just like I can buy everyone every like it's it's very impulsive which one are you um I would say I'm probably similar to you I'm probably a saver splurger I think I used to be uh close to a compulsive spender slash gambler if you will yeah but then you become when you spend a lot of money it's interesting if you spend a lot of if you don't have money coming in you become a warrior afterward i mean it's nothing sadder than when you spend all your money and you realize no more money's coming do you think a compulsive spender right or a gambler can marry a saver and they could have a good relationship where does no you got to get

these things under control i'm i'm grateful that i'm i'm the one that's both you know i have both extremes which isn't great but i think that if i was to be in a relationship with someone i was recently talking about being in a relationship and how my ideal relationship i was telling my parents is to have like a husband who doesn't work and just can hang out with me and you know take my money and invest it in things that because I don't know how to invest and like have a man spend my money in ways that will make us money

or to support a man like I would a wife like a man would support his wife in the 1950s or the 2020s. You just don't think you would be turned off by that guy? No not as long as he like fucked me all the time and like hugged me a lot and made sure our postmates were ordered and was made sure the house looked nice but that doesn't mean he has to clean just make sure the maid gets in pay the maid handle shit that i don't want to handle i need a wife over time no explain to me what you mean no so i don't

know i think i know what you hear it's a common trope of women being like yeah i couldn't date a guy that makes less money than me because i would end up losing respect for him like even if i wanted to love him eventually if i keep buying dinners i can't see him as a quote-unquote man yeah i listen i can't predict what i would feel but i do feel that um as long as someone was contributing to my happiness in a way that was like, you know, I feel like my mom didn't work growing up. My dad earned all the money until she started working a little bit, you know, after we, you know, the last five years never earned. Maybe here and there earned a little bit of money doing stuff, but like never contributed to the family financially uh in any way that was like you know like in a big way right and my dad had never held it over her head never resented her

why is it i guess it's a female male energy okay here's the thing my mom cleaned the house my mom cooked dinner my mom you know got the kids dressed for school my mom contributed in her own way that was enough to justify my dad working all day and making the money i get that but okay let's say let's say you you marry a guy right he's not bringing the money to the table he's there for all those things okay now it's like to rub his feet and like dig out his warts sure but it's been three weeks and he goes, you know what, I'm just tired of, not tired of fucking you, but I'm not feeling horny these days.

I know it's been three weeks, maybe a month and a half. You start thinking, yeah, but I just, I'm paying your Mercedes payments and you're not fucking me. I think the resentment would build if it's too much of- Yeah, that's called a relationship. And then you deal with i mean like every relationship the things change yeah and people's you know maybe go through depression

where they're not feeling like cleaning the house when that's their responsibility or maybe they don't have a high sex drive which you count on and that's when you go um babe i've been working really hard recently and one of the things i love about you most is when I get home, you make me feel so loved. And that is like your value. Like, I wouldn't say this, but I'd be like, I've recently noticed that the things that I love so much about you, I'm not getting in this relationship anymore. And I just want to check in with you and see that you're feeling good and, and, and wondering like, are these things that you want to,

you want to return to the things that once made me fall in love with you? Or are you, is this like a new you something going on? And, and I think that, but I do think I truly believe, and I can't predict what I would want, but if I I'm set to be pretty successful,

things are going well in my career, if they keep on this trajectory, I don't need a man working. It would be nice because I'd like to survive the apocalypse and be in a bunker someday, one that I couldn't even afford with a celebrity's salary. I'd need the tech money yeah or you know your brother your brother's kind of money maybe he'll get he'll marry you that's

a nice i'll talk to his wife but yeah probably because it's cool she seems really chill she is chill will you bring it up to her in like a cash i already have i already have well i do think that i'm glad that you started that conversation because i don't want to have to do it. It's just like so awkward. Look, I do love like saying the hard things to say. But yeah, I would just say, listen, I am. Yeah, I. My point is, I just don't like my friends to work. I want my friends to be able to hang because I am.

I'm someone who in my life for a partner. I don't need a guy unless he is available that is what i'm looking for is partnership and companionship and i don't want i'm a workaholic i don't want one i get it i just i and if he had some little shitty job that like didn't actually require that much work i'm like why are you doing this i get it like if he wants to work at a wood shop and sell things on etsy that's fine if it doesn't take like so much time but if he really cares about his passionate work i could do that it makes you happy though there's pressure on that guy that if you got tired of him right and you also had a prenup and you go hey well that's why

he has to earn it that's why he has to earn like i know but that puts pressure on someone which will maybe make them maybe it would put pressure on him if on him if I didn't have a job and I married him. And would I be unattractive to him if he lost his job? Probably. I'm just saying that. I would say go get a new job. Just like I would tell a guy, go find a new massage technique that you want to try out on me. Because I'm bored of this one.

Your effleurage is really lacking. He just needs a passion. He needs a passion. Passion, yeah. Whatever outside of you. Yeah. That's why I always say, if I end up with a guy i don't mind a woman needs a passion too i'm not just saying just a guy to marry a woman needs passion outside of her husband because if you rely too much on someone i don't

want to ever be happy i don't think just like wait wait for me to get home and like dote on me i'm just saying i wouldn't mind a guy to make i don't like cleaning i don't like managing i don't like managing a house and that to me is like a really hard job to do to manage an entire house it's not something that comes easy to me and i want a man that like takes pride in that and likes designing likes picking up furniture likes putting together like i don't have those things as a woman that knows what a sconce is that uh like just it makes our life comfortable i just think i think just the way you would probably want a wife to do those things i would want yeah but if my wife is independent and is passionate about her job i wouldn't want her to have to like worry about cleaning and stuff if we had enough money

i'd have a maid she wouldn't even think about stuff right but i want the man to organize the maid to arrive and pay the maid. I don't want a man to clean if I have money enough for a maid, unless he likes cleaning. Next story. All right. All right. Next story. What?

That was smooth that I did. Okay. Charlie bit my finger. We all remember that. Oh, Charlie. It's turning into an NFT. I told you this last night. I'm so sad.

You know how much it sold for? I was looking for Sophia Grace and that little girl that goes, this one of us boy with the boots. She does the Nicki Minaj rap on Ellen. I looked for that original video. It's nowhere to be found on YouTube. You can't watch Sophia Grace and that little blonde girl who's not as cute. Well, actually, it is cuter, but the one that's standing behind her and singing.

Do you know what I'm talking about? I know exactly what you're talking about. I remember. It's the brunette girl and the blonde girl. They're cousins. Yeah, they're so cute. Now they're like, you know, teenagers who are just a little bit like embarrassed

that they were famous. Oh, I'm sure they're... I don't actually know that. But anyway, you can't find it. And I got so sad yesterday. Charlie Bit My Finger, which is my favorite YouTube video of all time, is not going to be online anymore

unless you buy an NFT of it. Well, you know how much it sold? I don't know if you can... $25 million?...keep buying an NFT. I know, I mean... NFT sells... Can you buy an nft of it well you know how much it sold i don't know if you can 25 million buying an nft i know i mean he sold sells can you buy a copy nft potentially potentially i guess who bought a copy uh some random 3f music no yeah charlie charlie charlie bought my nft are you in the mood for me to do a uh yeah rendition of charlie but my family i would love it charlie wait ow ah oh charlie oh charlie charlie charlie bit me charlie that hurts charlie bit me and it hurts and it's still hurting and then charlie goes and then he falls into the i thought he bites him again he doesn't know he goes oh ah ow ow oh he liked it it's like the dolly meets, and then he goes, Charlie.

I just love, most American kids would be like, fucking Charlie, and hit Charlie, like a little kid. But he just goes, Charlie. And he like wipes it on his shirt. He goes, Charlie bit me. And then he, the way he laughs is so cute. Do you think they're going to get any of this money, or are the parents just going to get it?

No, the kids don't get it. Charlie took my $380,000. Oh, Charlie. Who should get the money? I think Charlie's the star of that. Actually, the boy who doesn't hit Charlie is the star of it. I don't know. Charlie's little teeth going to work. I think they're actually going, all the money's going to

Charlie's brother for the finger surgery he had to have after Charlie bit his finger off. Well, it sold for $760,000. It started at $99,999. I love when people do this, by the way. Realtors do this all the time. They're like, we could sell your house for $3 million

or $2,999,999. And they're like, ooh, we'll get so much more hits. This Tesla's $4,999. Oh, you mean $5,000? Oh, $4,999, that's it's it oh it's not positive you know that the i've read all these books about the psychology of persuasion that i mean they do it because it works something that's 9.99 people just go that's cheaper than ten dollars and they sell way more because people are stupid next uh oh wait but people are splurgers the other thing too though is like these nfts

right they take it off youtube the whole value of it is the fact that it has a billion views like you want to be able to show people that and see it if you just have a video of some kid getting his finger bit without all the context the thing is you can license it my charlie please you know what i mean you can license it down and make so much money because if you put charlie bit my finger in a super bowl commercial that's talking about like family values to like State Farm, you make that money back a lot more. So now they own it. But do you think it's still valuable if people aren't going?

Like, it's like, okay, you can put a- What if you came over to my house, okay? Yeah. And I go, I have people over, which is often I go, let's pull up YouTube and just like show each other fun clips that have made us laugh. And I pull up the actually kid. Yeah, apparently. Apparently. Well, apparently the news

was on and apparently I don't get to watch the news because apparently my grandpa is apparently. There's this kid that's really good, dude. Apparently I was up there and then I went down there and apparently he's so cute. I love how he says news too. He news great my grandpa watches the news one of the cutest things so i pull up those

clothes all the time what if you came over i'm having a party and i go you guys want to see charlie bit my finger and you go actually they pulled it from youtube they don't have any more i go what if i told you last week at christie's i spent six seven hundred sixty thousand dollars for this and i pull out i pull up a file i go you could have got 14 teslas you could have just screen recorded this yeah in april 2021 but you did it let's get to why do i care that's the other thing yeah you could just screen record as soon as everyone run out and screen record my finger well you can't now it's gone but any other one get those now because they go in they go in fast screen record is maybe the best thing that's happened to charlie suck my finger charlie

oh yes charlie's probably old enough for you to make that joke now but um be careful okay i first held charlie but my finger bob castrone showed it to me in one. He was my head writer on not safe. One of my good friends. He showed it to me in 2008. Yeah. First time I saw Charlie, but I remember where I was in the kitchen and I go, this is blowing my mind how cute this is. And I probably watched it 2008 times.

That and that dance revolution guy. I mean, I never watched that either or chocolate rain. I never really got into that one. I, well, I tried to start viral videos is what made you obviously it's the content so when i i was telling you about you hot.com last night i don't know if you want me to tell the story right now we have a lot of final thoughts maybe final thought we andrew has an epic story to tell us at some point that i don't know or at least he told me a million times before and i forgot but last night he was starting to tell me and he goes i go save it for the pod equals uh ask me about my love life or nothing else i'm sad

i'm sad okay why do i care what's going on celebrity news why do i care all right we're going back to it folks ben affleck appears to wear a watch that j-lo gifted him ready for this in 2002. I know. I know. Which is a long time ago, which is before Charlie bit my finger. 2002. Now, this goes back to when they were on the set of not Gigli, but what was- Jenny from the Block music video. Jenny from the Block, the music video. He was in that.

There was a great scene where he's in that music video and he rubs her ass. They're doing a paparazzi shot on the boat and that song was so good and now he's wearing it again apparently though apparently uh apparently so uh apparently when i watched the news um beth affleck also had been spotted wearing this uh at probably a few years back. Like, he's worn it over the years. Oh, okay. Which is interesting.

I wonder if Jennifer Garn Garn knew that that was, like, I wonder if she ever goes, where did you get that? He had a fashion egg every few years, and he knew J-Lo was watching. Watching. Watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Girl, you know it's true when he means that watch for you okay if you were dating

a girl and there was a piece of jewelry that she just loved because it was like fucking cool and you found out it was gifted to her by jennifer lopez on the set of jenny i'm just kidding that was no by another guy yeah and it would be tough i'm not gonna lie i think it would be tough i go well why don't i buy you something very similar and you wear that really i mean it would be tough yeah there's sentimental value there every time you put that necklace on if i think of that huge cock inside what if someone bought me an nft of charlie but my finger and then you can't buy another nft are you gonna be like well i got uh you know the star wars guy who falls on the ground isn't there it's like it's like you put on a hoodie of some guy your ex-boyfriend and it's

like it's way too big on you so obviously he was a real big strong man like i would it would hurt cozy my big old wife and there's all this room at the bottom where his dick was there's like a bunch of there's a dick pouch that was so big. And babe, I would wear your sweatshirts, but I like all this dick room in it for my hands. Because sometimes my hands get cold because I'm a skinny girl. And what if I was like, that's cool. I like his dick pouch. Would you respect me and love me more?

Or would you go, you're pathetic. Argue about this dick pouch. You know what girls do when they then when a guy it doesn't get jealous over something yeah yeah that's what i would get jealous of they get pissed yeah and not me though i would be like thank god i have a guy who's secure enough to not fucking care about the sweatshirt that i don't like because it smells like my ex even though i won't wash it and i keep it in a plastic bag when i'm not wearing it and i inhale deeply into it when i think my boyfriend's sleeping next to me

and cry and look at the moon that he might be looking at to somewhere where he is, even though he's dead, but you just believe that he can see the moon from how he's dead. But yeah, I would just be like, thank God a guy, this guy is secure enough that he doesn't,

isn't threatened by their mind because I can't have that in a relationship where a man feels I've, I've had that before. Let me ask you this. Let me put a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, just a man feels I've had that before Let me ask you this Let me put just a hypothetical out there Yeah, hypes You're dating a girl for a while And her ex-boyfriend dies

And she is So upset about it Are you a little bit gel? A little annoyed How did he die? Heroin God god that's cool you know um it depends how she's crying i guess sobbing and uh just you know really really sad because someone this was something she used to love i i would i would like to think that let's not do

what we would like i know i i i honestly it depends i mean if the guy's you know the guy's funnier to me is he better than me yeah i mean he's yeah he's everything he was a very accomplished comedy writer and had a very successful career in comedy i mean i definitely wouldn't mention it to her but i'm sure behind closed doors when i was showering i'd be like what the fuck okay whatever like now i don't know i don't have to worry about him fucking her kind of like there'd be a little bit of that probably like oh sweet now he's unless she digs him up okay interesting but just a funny that's an interesting question to present yeah i think yeah i think a lot of

people be like no i wouldn't be jealous at all i wouldn't be sad at all no but i think it depends how you're crying if you're like oh my god i'll never i remember an ex-boyfriend was like god you know it was how would you feel i well if i was or not if if your if your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend died if i felt his tears were about the fact that he couldn't be with her someday or like it was like i would i would honestly let him have his feelings about it and I would try to keep my feelings out of it. I probably would feel like

would he be this upset if I would probably compare myself but I would try to understand Here's the thing. that he's probably going through feelings because he lost someone

he knew and death is sad. If you cried I'd give you six months after the funeral but if you're still crying Six months is a really long time by the way. I went a little high. I'll give you six months after the funeral. But if you're still crying. Six months is a really long time, by the way. I know, I went a little high. I'll give you six minutes.

I'll give you six minutes before the funeral. I just remember an ex-boyfriend saying that, man, if my ex-girlfriend's mom ever dies, I'm just going to really have to probably go to her funeral. And I go, no. You're not going to go be there for your ex-girlfriend because her mom, no, that's not going to happen. Really?

You don't talk to this girl anymore. You haven't talked to her for years. Why suddenly would you show up at her mom's funeral? As the hero. Yeah, no. I understand if they're still friends and he still talks, you know, has her in his life. But like to go rescue this girl from her sadness and be this like boyfriend character because you know, no, no, no, you're not good. Either you're going and we're gonna talk about it but like that to me was like i hope this woman

dies so i can show you you ain't going you ain't going you can send flowers but you're not going to like go hold her and then like talk to her sister and realize oh my god i kind of like this girl's sister more than i like nikki's sister and i get along with this family so much more and then you just get sucked back into it and it's not about me losing him because if you want to go be with someone go be with someone with you know like i'm not gonna keep you from it but if you have if you want to go that to me is like you're not over this and you can't like move on.org yeah but donate now no and then some some of you though is like, hey, I'm not even thinking about myself in this situation.

It's about the mom dying. It is so just like, no, it's about him wanting to go rescue her and like I need to be there for her. And it's like, she's got family. She's been two years you haven't talked to her. She's dealt with a slew of traumatic issues. You can let her alone for the mom's death. By the way, you probably didn't like the mom that much

because who likes their girlfriend's mom that much? Let's get to Reddit dump. So last night I was on Reddit. I saved a lot of things, including a porn thing that I really liked that I wanted to come back to. So I'm not going to share that. You said you were going to bring up something that we could have talked about maybe the whole pod.

What do you mean? Really? Yeah. On Reddit, Tom? No, just in general, I think. Oh, well, that's not the time for it then. Yeah. Because this is a segment, you know, that has like a purpose.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So we only have a couple minutes for this. Okay. This was the one that fucking got me, dude. So last night on Reddit, on the subreddit ti hi what do you think that stands for ti hi yeah um it doesn't matter you're high thanks i hate it and that's just people posting things of like thanks that was horrifying i don't want to see that like thanks hate it so

this is a this is seriously no way you are scared of birds in a way. Your phobia is birds, correct? Pigeons. Yeah, pigeons specifically. Honestly, Noah, if any creature could fall into your head, if a creature could fall into your head, any kind of animal that's head-sized or smaller, what's the worst one that could fall in your head? Like truly considering every

pigeon a really a pigeon over over this what about a tarantula over this ew ew what is that like a huge like a monster centipede yeah that's a monster centipede oh i can't even hold the phone i can't even look at the picture of it honestly centipedes are my number one okay so what it is you guys is a giant centipede that's raw i can't even look at a picture of it. Honestly, centipedes are my number one. Okay, so what it is, you guys, is a giant centipede. That's raw. I can't even look at it. It's probably a foot long. It's in Hawaii.

And they put like over a saucepan. They put a clear saucepan lid over the centipede to trap it. And it's just going around and around in a circle. It's on thanks. I hate it. Centipedes are my number one grossest animal. I used to like can't even look at a picture of one. The fact that I'm able to look at this and not like puke is,

I mean, it is, those are in Hawaii everywhere. And then I read the comments and people are like, those used to fall from the ceiling onto my head. One time I was in bed and it bit me. If this bit me and if this was in my bed, I would move out of my apartment. I'm not joking you. If there's, I would move.

And I did move in New York City. There was a house centipede in my bed in astoria i was broke as fuck and i went to go live with my friend mike on his couch because i could not sleep anymore because a house centipede can a centipede hurt you i mean they can they can bite but it's not uh lethal and there are certain ones that are venomous but um these are not like super venomous i know so essentially you can't hurt you it's the only thing that it's just really creepy out they're just too fast they have too many legs and they never know where they're going i want a bug that has like a plan that goes i want to walk from here to here spiders sometimes go like in a straight line centipedes don't know where the

fuck they're going they're just everywhere and they're they get squirrely and they have too many legs and it really creeps me out there my number one phobia with two lane highways and also fat men on diving boards being a little bit reckless. You'd rather have that land on your head than a scorpion? Oh, hell yeah. Oh, no. Scorpion for sure. You'd rather have a scorpion on your head than a...

Than one of those centipedes. A hundred percent. Wild. I mean, I... Because a scorpion doesn't have ADD. Yes. Like you hate- If I found a centipede that was on 5 amps-

The centipede is me before a big show, and I'm walking around the green room. Oh, God, that is probably why I hate you so much with that energy. You're a centipede under a clear saucepan lid. That is totally- Andrew, you are centipeding me out right now. I'm going to start saying that. I'm going to try to scorpion more this year. I promise you on this tour, I'm going to be way more chill more chill no i i believe that uh okay this is another thing um this is

from sad cringe maybe this is from sad the subreddit sad sad cringe this is kanye this is a clip from uh keeping up with the kardashians and this is sad cringe because these are things that make you go like oh and then also cringe this is supposed to be sad because of kim's non-response but i thought it was just a funny story. It's Kanye on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which he didn't appear on that many times, but it's a funny clip of him telling a story about a Make-A-Wish kid

who he met. You know what I love about the Kanye thing? Years when she was dating that tall basketball player. He would be a friend to her. Yeah. It was a good little romance. A little fashion egg there.

Yeah. So, okay. So he goes, this is just a clip. Let's see if we can hear it. I saw this Make-A-Wish kid, and he said, has there ever been anyone that you ever wanted to meet, that you got to meet?

I was like, oh, the other day I met Tom Cruise, and he was like, oh, man, I didn't think of him. But he erased his wish on me. So the sad thing was that Kim didn't really acknowledge his joke, which is a funny anecdote to tell that he met a Make-A-Wish kid and was like, It's so funny. Who's your Make-A-Wish? And he goes, well, the other day I met Tom Cruise.

And the kid goes, oh, that was a good one. That's so cute. That's funny. It's so funny. And it's self-deprecating. Yeah. It's a beautiful story. But they edited to make Kim look like she wasn't interested.

If you listen to the clip though she does have a good response the editors made her look like 20 which I don't understand because the Kardashians reveal review all the footage they have every control of a final edit so she might have missed that one because let's do one more reddit thing sorry my food be your

make-a-wish Taylor what about as a kid Dave yeah Zach Morris say by the bell i always dreamed of the cast saved by the belt the whole cast you think would show up yeah yeah i mean i'm i mean how dead do you think how cool is ask reddit and i found this was an interesting question people because this is this could have been asked by me people who take an hour showering what do you do i would have added what the fuck are you doing in there but this person was more polite people who take an hour showering how long do i take to shower

andrew and this is not an exaggeration this is not me just when i'm in a hurry how long do i take to shower um four minutes tops tops that's a long shower for me um how long do you shower i mean it depends it depends how sad i am but i'll go from anywhere from from six minutes to 20 minutes okay um that's too long here's what people said are you mad about the water aspect because your dad gets mad about that right yeah it's wasting water and it's just like i get bored there's no phone if i'm listening to a new song and i'm singing in the shower because there's good echoes i will you ever go over your stand up in the shower because that's something i would do no i would literally if the shower because there's good echoes i i will you ever go over your stand up in the shower because that's something i would do no i would literally if the shower thing came you know the ones that come with the yeah i know about them yeah they yeah well yeah i've never really used

them as a vibrator i was just i usually i hold it like a microphone and i would do my whole act in there so that's weird that i have a vibrator that looks like a microphone. Yeah, I did my act on that. It stank. Okay. So someone goes, these are the most classic answers to this. Someone said, I put the water in my mouth and spray it around the shower. That's insane. Someone else said 30 minutes at most is my max when my allergies are really bad and I'm

trying to steam out my sinuses so I can breathe for the rest of the day um people said so much shaving shaving takes me minutes um people said hot water having comebacks come to my brain about fights three years ago does that happen to you no i mean i will think about future conversations at times sometimes i'll replay i'll go over like what I will say on a podcast in there. And someone says, make a bucket on my chest and let it fall once it's full. Boobies not required. Oh, yeah. Why would you do that for an hour? These aren't real answers

and I don't like that. Yeah, I don't like that, but I do think... I do wonder what people are doing in there. Well, one, it's just relaxing. It's a massage. You can get away from your family. It's an escape. Maybe you're not even in the shower the whole time. It's a what? An escape. Okay. I thought you said X from your family. It's an escape. Maybe you're not even in the shower the whole time. It's a what? An escape.

Okay. I thought you said ex-scape. It is that too. You're getting away from your ex. No, I'm trying to speak with better diction because we have a cancer listener out there that I talked to last night and I realized I could be the last voice

people ever hear. Speaking of our listeners, yes, that was really cool. You went live on Instagram last night and we talked to a lot of besties who shared their warts with us final thought um we had a couple things that i wanted to get to but i do need to get to this one because i promised a listener that we would um so i screenshot no i sent it to you right hold on once again andrew i got a message from one of our besties yesterday from Kate, who Kate Matthews,

but that's not her Instagram name. So just a random Kate Matthews. I'm sure there's many of them. So I'm protecting her anonymity. She wrote me a DM yesterday at 6 45 PM. Please bully Andrew for dropping sushi at Whole Foods just now. If it wasn't him, please ignore this. Can you explain that? Because you were at whole foods when you were just gotten back from whole

foods when i got that and you i definitely put my hand into a bag that i thought was empty and there was a bunch of sushi in it so i know you got sushi at whole foods i know you went to whole foods because you grabbed me some baba ghanoush so what happened who saw you drop a sushi how did this happen okay kate first of all talk to me in person tell it to my face kate don't freaking go around dm and nikki telling me to you bully me live for dropping the sushi that i probably shouldn't have bought because i didn't even like one of the rolls i did drop the sushi what i did drop it because i freaking i grabbed where is the sushi there huh just keep going i grabbed the zevia the box i tried to grab everything in my hands instead of the little card thing because i forgot to grab the little

card at the beginning of the store yeah yeah which whatever so i was holding everything and then i grabbed the sushi and i put it on top the sushi saw you struggling with there's a handful of zevia and like so you put so the sushi slid off the zevia sushi slid made a loud sound i go oh but i kicked it the sushi with my so it didn't go fully down so i stopped it with my foot pele style and it freaking it slid down and then I go I looked around to see if anyone noticed how embarrassing that was Kate saw apparently Kate saw and uh yeah Kate you could have fucking picked

up the sushi too by the way yeah Kate she looked at it you know when people look at it when you fall so you saw Kate I believe I saw Kate okay she looked at the sushi she could have picked it up and handed it to me no she picked up her phone and DM'd me that I should bully you. Did you buy that sushi?

I did buy that sushi. It didn't fall out on the ground. It was all right. You didn't like one roll? Yeah, it was a little fishy for my liking. Don't buy fish. Fish is fishy. That's the Gaffigan joke I love.

He's like, you know we shouldn't be eating fish when one of the worst things that a fish can taste like buy fish. Fish is fishy. That's the Gaffigan joke I love. He's like, you know we shouldn't be eating fish when one of the worst things that a fish can taste like is fish. But people go, I'm sending this back. It's too fishy. You mean you're fish, you fucking weirdo? Stop eating meat. Meat isn't supposed to be eaten by you. By the way, Kate,

you could have helped me pick it up. You could have helped me pick it up. She could have helped. Were you really struggling helped me pick it up. Animals need food. You could have helped me pick it up. No, no. She could have helped. Were you really struggling to get it, pick it up? She saw I had 14, well, I had about 11 different objects because I was in the 15 or less. Go back and get a cart, buddy. Huh? Go back and get a cart.

I did. I did. At that point, I did because there was a line. Noah, what was the second thing you reminded me of? Epic. Oh, Andrew's epic story. Oh, yeah. Well, can you even start it we'll

maybe do a teaser well yeah no i honestly just i could make the story very quick but uh when i was you know how i lost all that money so when i was in a bunch of debt i was like in 50 grand in debt and i thought well why don't i start a website you know because you know me i'm always a very big tech guy and you had a couple you had an app idea that you took this was before the app idea so it was called you hot.com i mean it's like mark zuckerberg why yeah i'm zuckerberg i mean he did are you hot.com right wasn't that wasn't that what he did wasn't that face hot or not hot or not was facebook so hot or not was was what year is this by the way because i want to zuckerberg did this in 2002

this was after that okay so this is post it's called you hot so my idea was hot or not but what if hot or not was a website that was video based and it wasn't crazy it was actually pretty smart where people would go and they would dance or they would show literally how hot they are that was the whole point or what their skill was and then you rate it if it's hot or not but it's a video yes so you had just what i mean this is not a bad idea but also it's like i was ahead of the time that's what you just got you sat down with some guys some web developer and you were like so you just you i had a business partner you post what you post something that you think so it could be a talent what talent is hot besides just flexing

i mean pretty much it's just my thought was it was just gonna be girls in bikinis and stuff like that like tiktok like what tiktok is essentially so and then you can match with each other and then it's like a dating as well as video yeah because you had done it's is this before after you went on a date from it's just lunch this was this was before it's right around the same period of time so mind you so i get this i i have travis we each put it like, we buy the domain name, which is you hot.com. Great. Y O U H O T. It's a great name. It's a great name.

I, the fact that you own you hot.com is like incredible to me. So we bought that for like a grand. And then I got a web developer. We found him online or whatever. He was like this Indian guy. And I, I, well,

no, I'm saying like he was in India, like, you know, like, and so I would be on the phone with him. I'm just like, we got it. Like I, well, no, I'm saying like he was in India, like, you know, like, and so I would be on the phone with him. I'm just like, we got it.

Like I would check the website, whatever. It ended up working. It just ended up being a very shitty YouTube. Like that's what it was. But you really were able to have people upload video. So, yeah.

So I wanted to upload a video to get it going. Like I tried to make a Charlie. This was all, was this before YouTube or after YouTube? Way after YouTube. It was a very shitty YouTube. That's what it ended up being.

So I go, I go, all right, I'm going to make a video that will go viral which will then launch it. This whole concept is so flawed.

It's so unclear what this is. Yes. No one really knew what it was because I didn't want to just go you know it's just about how hot you are i wanted it to be about what were you doing at night in this

time in your life like what would you do during the days what would you do at night like what was your life real estate i was still doing so this was my big money ticket to get out of real estate so so so i end up making a video this is true true. I made a video. This is my big viral video. I was like, I'm going to make my own viral video, which will let the, so it was my buddy Travis was filming and all you could hear me singing was Alicia Keys.

No one, no. And I was singing it really high. No one, no. You know that song? I mean, the fact that I was able to decipher what song you were just trying to do.

How does that song go again? No one. No one. Take me away from what I feel for you. Yeah, so I'm singing that song. So you can hear that song singing. I'm in the garage and I'm in one of those back things. So this is a fake thing where it's like meant to catch the guy singing badly.

Yes. Oh, you suck. But I'm upside down. I'm upside down on one of those back things. Yeah. So you're trying to look ripped too? No, I wasn't in shape. Maybe.

But I was rubbing peanut butter all. And I'm going, I'm peanut butter boy. So I'm singing that song. And then I start going, oh, I'm peanut butter boy. And I'm rubbing peanut butter all over my chest going peanut butter boy likes peanut butter over there oh the peanut no one no one loves the peanut butter boy and i thought it would just be this very weird yeah it is weird for sure and then i can send that out to everyone i know thinking like oh everyone will kick it off this is our big opener peanut butter boy

and so peanut butter boy uh no one i mean like like maybe 20 people signed up so when did you abandon you hot so this is where it gets good we have like less than a minute so essentially what happened was i we pretty much just gave up on it we were like wow we gave it a harvard try whatever and uh and uh and you know peanut butter boy you know i tried you know jelly man just nothing was taken off you know and i didn't try jelly man that's not a bad idea though but uh so for it so next thing i know i get an email and this guy's like hey i'm a i'm a website broker let me buy you hot let me buy you hot from you i have a guy

that loves the name how much longer after you but after you price oh after i launched are you still like wiping the peanut butter out of your chest hair at this point probably a month and a half well my chest was shaved okay uh month and that's why people take hour showers boom yeah so i go okay i think i'm getting spammed here like you know i was like okay you're a uk dealer whatever he goes yeah my client wants to pay what would you sell it for i was like i was into it probably like four or five grand at this point i go oh we'll sell it for eight grand whatever and the guy's like yeah we'll do it and i go what i know i probably could have got it oh my god at least nine so i'm probably a tesla so before they came out so i go i go all right i'll sell it

we sell it and i swear to god on my life the next day after i sell it it is a full on porn site like you porn or porn hub or red tube whatever i could keep going and what's your go-to i didn't tell anyone that i sold it so everyone thought you were running a porn site because you had all blasted to all your friends peanut butter boy exactly and they thought peanut butter boy had a facelift for a website so then all my family and friends are going oh wow we could have seen this being a porn site. Good job. Like, wow, you actually leaned into it.

I go, you guys, this is what you think of me? Like, you think this is where I should go? I have more integrity than this. I parodied an Alicia Keys video where I pretended to be a guy in his garage having a Kevin Spacey American Beauty moment rubbing peanut butter on me. The plastic bag.

Yeah. Which someone would have come in and shot you too. So anyway, so everyone, and I was like, no, I actually sold it. I made money on it.

I made 500 bucks. I mean, that's a great story. That'll wrap us up for today. Thank you for listening besties. Thank you for joining the Instagram live last night and sharing your warts with us to those that did that. Um,

uh, keep, uh, Kate, fuck you. Yeah. Kate, fuck you yeah kate fuck you honest no kate oh wow yeah nikki's no no kate i love you bully kate no kate if you see me at whole foods do not judge how many seaweed snacks i buy listen i i go through them fast okay and if i drop them don't you dare touch my seaweed snacks get you don't help me i can do it all myself help

me uh all right thank you guys for listening. We'll see you tomorrow on the show's Nikki Glaser podcast. Yeah. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's

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