The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #382 Calling Your Parents, “Monk Mode” & Story Time w/ EJ Glaser

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

Nikki's dad, EJ, stops by the pod, and Nikki has to explain why she rarely calls him. Nikki watched "The Golden Bachelor" with her parents. She shares a new joke premise she's working on that involves older people criticizing younger people. Anya is not up to date on cultural references, while Brian shares interesting facts about David Copperfield. In the news segment, they cover "Monk Mode," old books to read, bed bugs, and a football moment that Nikki accurately predicted. Gather round for "Storytime with EJ Glaser: Hitchhiking in the '70s." In the Final Thought, Nikki brings up an unfortunate story involving Sinead O'Connor and Prince. . Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Yeah, we're moms, but not your mommy. Historically, men talk too much.

And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Mom's Bad Choices Podcast every Wednesday. On the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I am in my home studio with my dad is our special guest today.

Hello, EJ Glazer. How's it going? Hello there. Thrilled to be here. Yeah. It's going to be fun. We just spent a whole morning together, and then we're traveling to do a special thing that we can't talk about, but yeah, we're just hanging out. We spent yesterday together.

I was over at your place for a few hours yesterday. Just getting some quality time and some QTs. That's incredible. I know we haven't spent much time together lately. It reminded me of you being with us during the pandemic. I asked Anya and Brian to know her here. And over the weekend, Anya was like talking to her parents. They like, they call probably, they talk every day, I think.

And I was like, how often do you talk to your parents? And she was like, probably every two days, every day i think and i was like how often do you talk to your parents and she was like probably every two days every day yeah and she was like like as much as you do and i'm like she's a great daughter no that's great not as good as you i always reprimand nikki and i used to call my mom at least once a week on sundays and nikki sometimes we go weeks yeah we communicate i follow her on instagram and so forth forth. Yeah, you're sliding in my DMs all the time. There's nothing like talking to somebody. Daddy. That's true.

Messages just don't do it. I don't like to call home because, first of all, mom's always in the background, and I can hear her laying down. You answer on the speakerphone, and she has a blanket over her head, and she barely wants to talk to me and then she's just going why do you even say it in there like i have to like deal with her kind of chiming in in weird ways and then i can tell i'm always interrupting a show you guys are watching and mom wants to get back to the show but you want to keep talking to me and i feel like i'm just like i'm taking away things that mom wants to do. No mom. Every time you call her,

no offense, mom. I know you're listening, but Lauren and I say, whenever you call mom, I'll let you go. And she's just, you can hear like,

um, the goodwill racks. Like you can hear the, the, um, what is it called? The hangers on the rack. You can hear the rack,

the hangers sliding. I know. Yeah. Uh-huh. What is it? How much is this over here? That's what she does. Are you guys bringing out

those racks anytime soon? Wait, so when are, Nikki, where are you? When are you leaving? And she goes, I'm such a bad mother, I don't know. It's such a cop-out.

It's always, I'll let you go. When they mean is, I have to go. I want to go. I'm bored of talking to you. I can tell that you're busy and can't talk to me anymore.

So I'll let you go. I'll do you a favor. Nikki, you are always busy. This would be mom if she heard this. You're always busy. I'm trying to let you go. But I called you and I'm quietly in a room.

But I will say, I always call when I'm on a commute. That's when I want to talk. If I really have alone time, I'm not going a room. But I will say, I always call when I'm on a commute. Oh, yeah. That's when I want to talk. Like, if I really have alone time, I'm not going to just, like, walk around my room quietly talking to you.

Really? You're really good about just, you'll be at home. Dad, you just call your friends and you just go into the room and you just sit down and call your friends. You're also a guy

that will just sit down and, like, read a book on a couch. Like, I need to read a book like when I'm, like, trying to fall asleep. But you'll just go like, it's time to read right now. And you just go in the next room. I need to read a book when I'm trying to fall asleep. But you'll just go like, it's time to read right now. And you just go in the next room. He's living a balanced life.

He is the most balanced person I know. No, maybe it's my Sam Harris meditation. I can actually focus on something and not be distracted. When I watch television with your mom, she's always looking at her phone, sliding through. Like last night, we were watching a show. And it's a show that was the last episode of something we're watching on Amazon. We're watching. The Boys.

Oh, no. I wish it would. We're watching. Have you been watching Gen V yet? No, no. I haven't gotten into it. It's really good. It's good.

Anyway, it's called. God darn it. It's about. Christopher Walken's in it. It's a BBC production. Bunch of. I can't remember the name of it. It's okay, Brian's on it.

I'll find out. Anyway, we're watching this conclusive episode and she's scrolling through. I'm like, what are you looking at? She's looking at shoes. And then she'll ask me, what did he say?

And I'm like, you have to focus on one thing or the other. You can't. Humans can't multitask. No, they can't. Is it called The Outlaws? The Outlaws.

You got it. Thank you, Brian. Have you seen it? No, he just looked it up. Good job. Way to go, Brian. Yeah, he was scrolling on his phone while you were talking. He didn't hear the end of the story about mom not listening to you.

Good show. I highly recommend it. It's a little bit ludicrous, but really well done, and it's got some really- My dad's a fan of The Morning Show, though, so I just want to prepare everyone that if you- Disclaimer. Recommendations. I thought I could really talk some shit with my parents about the morning show

because we kind of have the same taste level. But no, my dad is a big fan. He likes it. I like it. He thinks the dialogue is superb. I do. How can you watch... I'm going to start collecting pieces of dialogue from it,

and you have to defend them. I think it's going to be a new game. That would be good. Because it just shows the previous seasons this you know the previous seasons were of course great i think you all agree on that yes first two i agree and this one i just like the inner workings of the business dealings and how they're trying to save the network and trying to get the loans oh you're following the plot yeah yeah audience was looking at shoes. You've been looking at shoes. I was unclear why Crudup is raising money for UBN.

Because they're faltering. Because they're trying to save it. Trying to save. They have no money. They can't. Their programming has fallen off the charts. That's a very dad thing to say, to be like, I'm interested in how they're acquiring those loans. Well, you've been on the corporate side of things.

And they're doing the upfronts, which I used to be a little bit a part of. I like seeing the inner workings of that and how he's trying to muster all the talent to go out there and meet with the ad executives to schmooze them. I didn't like the upfronts. By the way,

upfronts are when a network is debuting their new slate of shows and what our fall programming is going to look like. And it's all for ad buyers to come advertising, people from the advertising world to come and place ads. Like, oh my God, their lineup looks amazing. I can't wait to buy ad space on these shows. And so it's like this big show.

I performed at a bunch of upfronts. They'll bring in huge stars and make it a huge production. Taylor Swift has done it, right? Yeah, I was on one with Selena Gomez. Yeah, I was on one with Selena Gomez and Sarah and I hosted one back in the day for MTV. And yeah, but I didn't like on the morning show,

Billy Crudup gets there and he's like walking down the hallway and it's like this one shot and you could tell they really pat themselves on the back for like we did it all in one shot and it's like it wasn't that big of a deal no one really needed it and then they get but I know a lot of work goes into those so I don't want to be too

snarky so then he gets to the very like bottom recesses of this like theater building and then he sits in hair and makeup and they powder him and they go two minutes until show time until you're on and he's in the recesses of this wing and makeup and they powder him and they go two minutes until showtime until you're on and he's in the recesses of the swing and chris and i are watching it and he's like talking to himself in the mirror to get himself amped up do you remember that scene yeah sure and i'm like if

you have two minutes before you're walking on stage you don't have time to talk in the mirror it's time you need to walk upstairs and chris is like oh so a pro's wing and i'm like that's just like they should have just said five minutes or something. You know, two minutes is like, you gotta go. You gotta walk. And a lot of these series shows, you probably all see it too. You know, they show a plane landing for so long

and somebody brushing their, they're just trying to fill time, you know, so many times. Like him walking down the hallway, it might've been somewhat interesting, but not. Yeah, it was fine. Like the beginning of every 80s comedy is like the alarm goes off then he gets out of bed then he goes and brushes his teeth then he makes coffee every single one that's so true that is so true we have to see the moment he woke up

this day not yeah well um it was funny because today my dad and i went to a i took my dad to one of my voice lessons which was fun and on the way there my dad was like oh this is the part of town where um do you remember that camping trip that we went on and those men said bring those girls back when they're 18 and i was like i just told that story yesterday on the podcast and then you so i was asking her if i could bring her back now because that's the joke i made yesterday well when i was 18 i said you we need to go back to those guys do you remember that yeah and you couldn't believe i made that joke yeah so we went to the voice lesson today and learned um some techniques um it was fun um just like um Just like putting the sound

like out of your nose, like shooting it up and out of your nose like up here instead of like out here or down here and when you go for a high note, you're not supposed to actually think high. You're supposed to think low and when you're going for a low note, you're supposed to think high and not low.

And all these mental tricks that there are to make the best sound and it's hard. I have a question for you. It's these mental tricks that there are to make the best sound. It's hard. It's a mental game. It's like Pilates for your head. You know how rappers before they do the... before they rap, they'll go like, uh, uh.

Is there a practical purpose for that? Like that they're hearing something? I think it's probably to get on the rhythm. Could be, yeah. It's like tapping your foot but like almost waking up your vocal cords or like trying to get um maybe trying to let people know like what your voice kind of sounds like so you're ready to come in just warming things up yeah i think that's a that could be it any other theories it's probably like when you have to run into a double dutch thing you're like how am i gonna do this okay here i go right yes yes or people are offering them different food

and they're like warming your voice up is so important though because this morning you know trying to sing i didn't warm my voice up and i was like yeah my guy doesn't believe in warm-ups you just come in and you just go no No, I know. I always warm up before a gig. I always try to warm my voice up. Yeah, a little bit.

I know you do. Do you guys do it before you do it? You have a golden voice. Oh, Anya, thanks. Just like the golden bachelor.

Actually, the golden bachelor does not have a golden voice at all. His voice is actually like really soft and like, I kind of don't like it

at all. His voice really creeps me out i don't it's like he has a permanent bubble in his throat oh man i don't but he is the sweetest man maybe alive for at least a couple more years i didn't get to watch the whole episode your mom we watched it was like date we were watching daytime television yesterday when nikki came out that's what reminded me of the pandemic oh yeah i haven't watched daytime television i had like an hour to kill and so i stopped by my parents and We watched The Golden Bachelor. You guys got to watch The Golden Bachelor.

We need you to watch this. And then I just filmed them watching it. And my mom is, oh, God. Oh, look at this chick. That is so queer. She thinks everything's queer. I was enjoying it. Yeah, Dad loved it.

What did you like about it? Dad's getting ready to sign up. Well, no. I'm part of Bachelor Nation. I don't know if you guys know that or not. Oh, yeah, he's very a proud member. He was inaugurated. Is there a card? Like, how do we get in?

Card carrying. No, when Nikki lived with us, I watched it and giving everybody shit about, you know, we're watching The Bachelor. Then all of a sudden I was like, no, wait, now who is this and why are they doing? And I thought, I think I'm part of Bachelor Nation now. Yeah, you got a citizenship. You got a passport? But I haven't watched it since Nikki moved out.

But anyway. What did you think about it? I thought it was good. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed seeing these older women, which there were like 30 women that got out of the car, weren't there? How many were there? Yeah, but there's multiple cars.

Okay. Well, it wasn't like a clown car. These old broads. And then we were joking around, but I kept, like, Julie was saying, no, when I die, you're going to, you know, and then as these beautiful women kept getting out of the car, I'm like, when are you going to die again? You know what? When is this going to happen? Because the whole premise of the show is that this man lost his wife

seven years ago, and they were high school sweethearts. This guy has not dated since, he's never dated. No, he got married when he was 20 years old. Yeah, right out of high school sweethearts. This guy has not dated since, he's never dated. No, he got married when he was 20 years old. Yeah, right out of high school. So he's never dated in his life. It was the first person who ever liked him and now he is dating at 72. And some of these women are trying to be like naughty.

Like one woman showed her high heels and she was like, and by the way, I'm not scared of six inches. And he just like, didn't even understand what that meant. He's from Indiana. He didn't.

No one thinks he has a six inch dick. Like, I don't know. He might have his tiny penis. What does that even mean to him? It was the one that looked like Kris Jenner who said,

oh, sounds like this. She sounded like she smoked like four packs of cigarettes in the car on the way over. I'm going to, if I get eliminated tonight. I can't wait.

Like, you are definitely going to be, he might keep I'm going to, if I get eliminated tonight. I can't wait. You are definitely going to be, he might keep you around just to be nice. One girl came pulling up on a motorcycle and she hopped off. Oh, yeah. She's the front runner. Yeah. Yeah, but they're all like, you would think the Golden Bachelor, my joke was when the Golden Bachelor came out, I'm like,

oh, they're doing Golden Bachelor with older people, so it's going to be like 35 and up. I thought it was going to be i thought the most they would go is like people in their 50s you know like they really went for it i mean there's like people getting pretty damn close to 80 up in this i think the youngest person is 60 no no wheelchairs one woman came out with like a she was like fake hobbling with a you know a cane and a thing and then she threw it to the side and was like just kidding and she tossed off this dress and she was wearing

like a hot get up corset top and stuff I guess they're trying to appeal to my age group to baby boomers and but maybe young people

are digging it too I don't know but I definitely think they're digging it there's this woman Christina who's 73 if you asked me how old she was

I would have said 50 yeah they look really good i mean they all have um okay there's this type of eye surgery that all people got maybe in the early 2000s i think it's blepharoplasty but it's um an eyelid surgery and it makes every woman's eyelids look the same and everyone looks like robin mcgraw uh dr phil's wife they all look like those eyes you know i'm talking about the one the woman with the guitar that got the on the motorcycle has those eyes they all have the same white lady i plastic surgery 1998 i do you know i'm talking about that i googled it Yes They all have those eyes It's really creepy

And I will have them someday too Katie Couric kind of has them I was going to say Katie Couric Julie Corny Cox for sure has them When I first had HD television I couldn't watch Katie Couric anymore Her eyes were just disturbing to me I didn't know Katie

She was an anchor She was an anchor on CBS for a while Dad, everyone knows Oh, no When she had the number one job, you mean? I thought you were describing who Katie Couric was I was like, we're not that young No, I'm no when she had the number one job you mean i thought you were describing who katie couric was and i was like we're not that young no i'm telling when she she was the i have a new joke on stage that i'm trying and it kind of worked this weekend i don't have a punchline for it yet but it's like when old people like try to make young people feel bad about not

knowing something that they weren't alive for like we're like growing up mine was like you don't know happy days you don't know the facts of life and it was like no i wasn't 10 in 1982 i wouldn't know that why would i know that and now i think for gen z it's like i'm i'm i'm finding myself trying you don't know math you don't know how to write yeah you don't know cursive yeah no it's more cultural things that old people shame young people about but really what the shame is old people want to feel superior to young people because we know we're dying sooner and we're jealous and we can't just admit we're jealous of the youth and that we're like angry that we're closer to death than they are and it's like this it's this feeling that we can't admit to ourselves about anger about our bodies breaking down and

theirs being youthful so we get mad at them but we can't just to ourselves about anger, about our bodies breaking down and theirs being youthful. So we get mad at them, but we can't just say, I'm mad at you because you're young, because that would be insane to say. So instead we go, you don't know who Urkel is? And we try to make them feel bad about TGIF? What? You've never seen the Goonies? But some people have no idea of chronology. They just forget.

They just think everybody's their age group. They don't think it through. They just need to grasp onto something that is young people not knowing. Oh, yeah. They're like, you don't know Aladdin? You don't know Boy Meets World? That's true. You didn't watch the Degrassi redo or whatever?

Well, for me, Aladdin, I at least know like I never saw Hercules or um Moana but I like know the gist of it like I wasn't a child during that time but I feel like you the reason I was like you don't know anything about Aladdin is like you and Aladdin was you were still like you were may guess if you were a little bit too old to be watching kids movies but Aladdin just feels like you should know like at least like the main players of it

but maybe not no definitely not like I did not watch cartoons at 21 or whatever I was I can't yeah all the zeitgeist

isn't there like a Broadway movie I knew it was a movie I read the Aladdin book there was so much adult humor but you know I got mad I read the Aladdin book. There was so much adult humor in it. I know the tale of Aladdin. I used to subscribe to Rolling Stone magazine, and they had an article, like they always do,

the top 100 TV shows of all time, and Andy Griffith was not listed in that. And I was like, screw that. I canceled my subscription, and I had nothing to do with them. You have just some major. Good for you. Of 100 shows, Andy Griffith has got to be there. I'm sorry. And your listeners probably don't even have

any clue. Everyone knows the Andy Griffith show. Well, if you play Sunday Crossword Puzzle or any New York Times Crossword Puzzles, Opie is in there constantly because you got three vowels. I am going to do a full weekend of just watching all the things I missed because I do want to true. I am going to do like a full weekend of just watching

all the things I missed because I do want to know. Like, I don't know about Sims. I don't know about... There's no movie. I know, but I have to just

brush up on things like that. Well, you know what Sims... Oh, like the game? You don't need to know the game. Like, you know what it is. You got to spend a few decades playing that game

in order to get it. Explain Sims to us. We'll see you in 10 years from now. All you need to know about Sims is what you probably already know. Sims is a universe that doesn't exist. It's like an alternate universe with little...

This is what I imagine it is. Little bubbly people, and they have their own language. They have their own language. Did you play that, Nikki? You didn't do that, did you? I watched other people play it. I was a little bit too old when it first came out when I was playing those games.

But it's not... They're not bubbly people. They look like real people. And they do like... But they just talk gibberish. I don't understand it. I just convinced... I confused it with Pokemon.

Well, that's... Maybe it's the same thing. Brian, did you play Sims at all? No, I played SimCity and I played RollerCoaster Tycoon and I played... Oh, right. Those were around the same time. Yeah, I played Command and Conquer and Age of Empires 2.

Wait, what don't you understand, Brian? I don't understand why Anya feels like she needs to know the Sims. Well, because I bet the Sims got referenced recently and she didn't know what it was and someone shamed her about it. Yeah, but that's okay. I mean, no one's talking about The Sims these days.

You should know that The Sims is a world that, you don't need to know what the characters' names are, but you know enough. All you need to know is what you know. Did someone say you don't know what their dog's name is or something? There is no dog's name. No, I know, but did

someone ask you for a fact about Sims that you were like, I need to know this? Me? No are they talking about the Sims these days well I'm just thinking someone referenced this I'm wondering where this came from the Sims thing on you do you have a story oh I just pulled it out of my ass because it's a thing that you'll hear once in a while like people reminiscing about their Sims their earlier life their childhood or high school yeah that's like Gen Z right now is talking about when they were kids, they played a lot of Sims. There was also like a baseball game.

All I ask of people, if you don't know something that you lived through, just know a little bit. I've never seen Star Wars or Star Trek, but I know enough to be a part of a conversation. When people just have no knowledge of it at all, I think that's a little crazy. I saw Barbie the other day and I thought about Nikki because the mansplaining, they were like,

you've never seen The Godfather? Let me tell you. Remember they're trying to get somebody to buy some time. Let me tell you about The Godfather. Oh my God, The Godfather. Do you remember that? No. You don't remember that scene?

No, I haven't seen The Godfather and I still still haven't, because I don't like violence, and I don't like movies that are really long. It's too long. When you had an audition with Francis Ford Coppola, you think you might have wanted to see that movie? I wouldn't have gotten it anyway, and then I would have just wasted more time of my life on that. But yeah, you're right.

I think he appreciated my honesty that I hadn't seen it. Oh, you told him that? I don't. I think I told him I didn't know what Hamlet was be very confused by that that's a really old generation he said do this yeah do this monologue in the style of Hamlet and I'm like I don't I mean I know that a guy is talking to a skull and saying but I don't know what that is I don't know what he's talking about I am big pantameter well I understand I understand like... A Seinfeld shirt. What do you mean Seinfeld shirt?

The big poofy shirt. Puffy shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so true. The puffy shirt. That's pirates. Well, we figured it out. I'm glad we got there.

Okay, we're going to go to break. We'll be right back after this. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapaport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes.

You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever. Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen, real character, obviously both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says you're not enough. The other says keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life.

I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection, it's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Only woman in America that has not seen The Godfather, Nikki Glaser. Dad, we're back. And I don't think I'm the only woman in America who has not seen The Godfather, Nikki Glaser. Dad, we're back, and I don't think I'm the only woman in America who has not seen The Godfather. I think there's many women, because it is a boys' movie.

Yeah, I just saw the series. Literally last summer. Did Matt make you watch it? It's not a series. I think I was like, let's just do this. It's not? Well, one, two, three. It's not one, two, three.

Trilogy, it's trilogy. Do you know how many things I have to do? If I had, if you, you have like a list of things that I need to list. I need to read Travis McGee books. I need to read Lonesome Dove. I need to read Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. I also need to read Cat's Cradle. I need to read, what, so right now I'm at a week of stuff to do.

Charles Dickens. Oh yeah, I need to read. What's the- Oliver Twist. No, but there's David Copperfield. Why is he named the same as the magician? Why is the magician named after that book? And do they know that? And is it on purpose? He just used that name, I guess.

I don't know why. Yeah. Okay. Good question. Okay. And then I need to- So, I have to- That's about four weeks of reading.

Okay. Then I need to watch all the Godfathers. Any other movies I need to see? I'm not a big fan of the Godfather, but your mom. Why didn't I see Raiders of the Lost Ark? Like, why didn't you ever make us watch those? Because that's another thing that people go, you've never seen Indiana Jones. How did we miss that?

Really? We were raising kids in the 80s. That's what you always say when you miss a song. When I go, how do you not know this song? And you go, raising kids you had to never saw it never when i see a movie once i don't usually watch it a second or third time so really yeah i'm done with it oh wait your favorite movie a boy the boy wait it's like a boy the boy called what's your favorite movie um a little little big man a little bit okay it doesn't hold up much anymore, but I love that movie with passion. Well, I've got a lot to do is what I'm saying, but we wanted to get to some topics today.

Noah has some news headlines. What, Brian? I just have groundbreaking information about David Copperfield. Oh my God, please. This is the perfect music for it. Breaking news about David Copperfield. The reason why he's named David Copperfield after Charles Dickens' novel is because, quote,

he liked how it sounded. That's it. What's his real name? I don't know. Garvin Glurch? Thank you for that. Have you read David Copperfield? Anyone here read Tale of Two Cities, David Copperfield? Well, Copperfield Anyone here read Tale of Two Cities

David Copperfield Well I had to read A Tale of Two Cities In high school I mean they forced us But it was the best of times And the worst of times You didn't have to read anything

And Brian I had to read it too Was that great expectation Before freshman year They made us read A Tale of Two Cities Before freshman year I had to read it that summer Yeah

And it was Arduous and boring And I hated it Grapes of Wrath sucked Also But oh my dad always I hate I. Grapes of Wrath sucked also. Oh, my dad always... I love Grapes of Wrath. You know what I love? At the very end, an old

man suckles at the breast of a woman. That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever... I didn't say it like that. It was one of the most pivotal scenes. An old man's dying and he suckles at the teat of a young woman. I'm just like just like ew this guy was jerking off when he wrote it he was jerking off when he wrote it it just showed you that they

they were going to persevere and they were going to make it oh they could have shown that in any other way let them find like a river or something they were starving let them find a freshly killed antelope or something there's a quote i remember from the grapes of wrath because it was so like i remember when i read it was like so it just stuck with me and it was um it's uh i'm just uh oh no i forgot it now no i'm just bones covered in skin or something like that it was like this guy talking about his like emptiness and his despair that's also your favorite band did you ever hear the bruce springen song? Your favorite metal band. There's a Bruce Springsteen song. It's based on that.

Ghost of Tom Joad. Oh, yeah. Where he goes, wherever there's a cop beating a guy, wherever there's a hungry baby cries, when there's hatred in the air, mom, I'll be there. He paraphrases exactly John Steinbeck in that song. He actually called Mrs. Steinbeck and asked her for permission to use the imagery of Tom Jode. And she said, yeah, go ahead.

That's nice. That's nice. Steinbeck's great. One of the greats. He was such a cool guy, too. He went up. He drove across the country in a van he built himself. He was an alcoholic, but he also would go on a boat and sail to find whales on his own.

And he was just a beloved guy. I read his memoir. Anyway, did you guys read Ragtime in high school? No. Oh, my God. Ragtime. They made us read Ragtime in high school. And in that book, a guy literally is jerking off in a closet, watching a woman get a massage,

and he's so aroused by watching this massage that he bursts out of the closet and ejaculates all over her body. This was a normal part of high school. Where was the rag in ragtime? He didn't need to do that. We read that aloud. We read that portion of the novel aloud in English class in high school.

Oh my God, that's the best day of school ever. Now, Brian, I bet that book is banned now at class in high school. Oh, my God. That's the best day of school ever. Now, Brian, I bet that book is banned now at your old high school. Oh, for sure. I bet you, yeah. God, what a great assignment, though. You must have been. Did you volunteer to read that? Yeah, we all love hearing stories of guys jerking off in classrooms.

We used to go to Barnes & Noble and go to the, in the kids section, there was a book about what our bodies do and what what's like you know some kind of book about sex and there was all these drawings of people having sex and man that was like that was my the best day of my life i was such a horny weird i wasn't even horny i just wanted to see every kid every kid does it was so good we used to sit in church and a catholic church i mean this is fourth or fifth grade. Eddie Brown, they always had Bibles there, but Catholics never really read the Bible. But Eddie Brown had a knack.

He could always get to the Old Testament and find sexy passages. And if you've ever read the old, you pass him around and we'd all be laughing. The nuns would come over and beat us. Oh, wow. How desperate do you have to be to be going through the bible for some porn and nowadays you have to pay to get none to beat you yeah i mean you can you imagine having porn the way it is accessible now when you were a kid i mean arlo i'm even worried about like it shows up shows up everywhere. When I was a kid, I found a stash of porn magazines in the woods,

and they were all like comic book pages, and it was this little camp in the woods that a bunch of bums were living in, probably. But it was the kind of porn that had black marks over their eyes. Oh, my God. And it was just women. They were all black and white,, it was like, and the pages were all musty, but I took these things and kept them hidden in my room. And my sister's

friends, I mean, my sister was three years older than me. They used to come over and go like, EJ, can you get that porn out? And I'd get it out and show it to them because I was like, oh, it was, looking back on it, it was probably the nastiest stuff. And I don't think the pages were stuck together. No, I don't think it was probably the nastiest stuff. The nastiest think the pages were stuck together. No, I don't think it was probably the nastiest stuff.

The nastiest stuff is in. Is now. Is now. The nastiest stuff is now. And kids don't care. They're just, they're faced with it daily. I know. Like, it's just like a pop-up.

Like, oh, somebody getting slammed in the ass. Kids are choking each other all the time in sex. Like, as soon as they start making out. Like, if you see on FBoy Island, like, which is premiering October 13th on the CW, or sorry, October 16th, Monday, October 16th, whenever they kiss, they choke. They hold each other's necks. It's a weird thing that even they do in public now.

And it is like a hot move. I don't want to get into this because my dad's sitting right here, but it's not like a bad move, like a soft throttling, but they all do it now. And it's not something I think you ever saw in movies or TV before. But it's all-

No, before, maybe it was like one finger slowly sliding up. Like on your jaw. Like your trachea. Just to check if you were a man or not. And porn, there's fashion trends. Everybody's shaved now. And that was something that now, and I read something a few years ago. I don't know if it's true anymore.

This is one of my dad's classics. I saw this one coming 20 minutes ago 20 minutes ago no i my dad has some classic anecdotes we talk about endangered species of human crab lice pubic lice are endangered because there's no habitat for them anymore because there's no so i i have a campaign i'm starting starting. We figured it out. My dad has a GoFundMe. Bumper stickers. Save the crab life. Save pubic life's habitat. Oh, God.

Yeah. Okay. But it's true. I did read that. It is true. The polar bears of the south. You still have the asshole hair, I would think, and taint hair. It's a whole different species.

And men are still so hairy down there, right? I would guess. I don't know. Crickets? Did you guys hear bedbugs are huge in Paris? Oh yeah. They're so chic. So chic. If you're gonna catch bedbugs

anywhere, a little bedbug with a beret on, smoking a cigarette. Yeah. I think I heard that. I would be scared to go to Paris right now they're in all the hotels but bed bugs get such a bad rap for like

if you have them then you're disgusting and you're dirty and you like live in slums and you you probably don't take care of yourself

but rich people get them like anyone can get them but it's it's such a shameful thing and I I wish people didn't feel that shame

about them because then that's when they lie and they say they don't have them and then they spread them is it really true that paris has an upper paris has an outbreak and they're kind of worried about the olympics november 6th we're going it's like all over the metro and with moms and stuff are you serious you're going there yeah be careful they're in every hotel like all the hotels we're not staying in hotels luckily but oh you aren't we're staying in hotels. We're not staying in hotels, luckily. Oh, you aren't?

We're staying in an apartment. Oh, okay. Well, just watch out. Bag up your stuff. I will. Well, I'll say my final goodbyes. We're not hanging out anymore. I am so terrified of getting well. Your couch is infested.

You got to get the bed bug spray and then spray around your open suitcase so that they can't get in. Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know that was a thing. Okay. I mean, I had bedbugs back in Sunnyside, Queens when I lived there and I learned all the techniques. Oh, Brian,

I can only imagine you with bedbugs. How? You probably still have PTSD from that. Yeah, I think I got them from my office that I worked at. The one time I worked in an actual office and because I saw a bedbug crawling on my desk one day while I was typing on my computer and I was like, what is that thing? I think that might saw a bed bug crawling on my desk one day while i was typing on my computer and i was like what is that thing i think that might be a bed bug and i captured it on a

piece of clear um tape like packing tape and like right like like a biologist like i had it between two pieces of tape so i could take it to someone and say like is that a bed bug and they confirmed that it is a bed bug yeah they live in live in electronics, in wood, in the walls. It's not just your... It's a nightmare. Let's change the subject. Tell us a news headline. Well, everyone,

if you subscribe to TikTok Trends, you might be able to read more like EJ recommended because monk mode is popping off and is encouraging people to keep off of social media. Monk mode. Monk mode.

Basically, it means cutting out all distractions from your life so you can dedicate yourself to a particular task. With the idea being that you massively boost your productivity. So how are people even finding, they find out about it and then they instantly go into monk mode and then because how could this be a trend you wouldn't hear about it they discover it on tiktok but it's supposed to encourage people to also like a side effect of it is changing their diet cutting out sex and cutting down on the number of times they go out what um is this a feature like you can turn it on on tiktok to be like oh you've been on out sex and cutting down on the number of times they go out. What? Is this a feature like you can turn it on

on TikTok to be like, oh, you've been on for 10 minutes? I'm going into monk mode. It's just cool to say I'm going into monk mode. How much are you, like, I'm not, we talked about this extensively on the show through the years, but like, what's, my phone use is off. Like, I can't really

tell what it is when I check my apps to say like how long you, it's always says I've been on like 16 hours throughout the day because I have my white noise machine going all night long on my phone. And so it's activated. And so I can't get a good reading of like what I'm actually doing. But I would say I'm not, I'm not spending a ton of time scrolling.

I've heard people on, I would like to check mom's usage. I think that would be insane, but I think I'm not spending a ton of time scrolling. I've heard people on, I would like to check mom's usage. I think that would be insane, but I think I'm pretty, I'm pretty good about it. I think that there are a lot of things in my life that I overdo in terms of work and, um,

and sometimes sleeping too much and eating too much. But on my phone, I think I have a pretty good, like I know I'm someone I'm almost like, um, like the people i'm jealous of who can just have two drinks i'm like that with my phone yeah i don't need i don't need to be on tiktok for three hours i don't even have tiktok on my phone because i want to prevent that but i'm pretty good at being like okay i'm but you're a reddit scroller yeah but reddit for

me is information and it's reading about i i i'm not looking at just people's lives and like, oh, now they're doing—oh, look at that happy family. Look at that girl that just got engaged. Like, I'm not just seeing mindless images. I'm reading about people's experiences. I'm reading a lot on Reddit. I love Reddit, too, but I think I follow too many categories because there's too many disparate things coming up. Yeah. But I love it when—I learn a lot from Reddit.dit i do too i think it's a it's it's it's good for my

brain i don't i love it and whenever there's like i watch the evening news every night probably most people don't but i i love watching news and i'm always like i saw that three days ago on reddit and all they're doing on these news shows is pulling things off of reddit yes in turn not the first place to go anymore. Reddit is the best place for news. Five years ago, most news, it was peak Twitter, and most news was just reporting on things that people have tweeted.

Do you remember that? Yes. This person said on Twitter, and then this senator responded on Twitter with this tweet, and it was just them repeating and reading out what that was. That's luckily died down a little bit since Elon Musk took a blowtorch to Twitter. But it was like five years ago, the news. Are there apps that you guys wish you stayed off of more? Are there any apps that have you guys kind of like, okay, I should go into monk mode on this? Because for me,

I think Instagram is just the one that sometimes I'll get a little bit sucked into and I'll just see one or two posts that bum me out and make me, you know, just people. Because I follow comedians who are doing the same thing I'm doing, doing theater shows. And they're selling out shows and they're posting when they sell out shows and they're posting pictures of the audience. And they start to worry me that I'm not, oh, I went to that theater. I didn't sell out that theater. Oh, that person's selling out the theater. Oh, they have 1.1 million followers. God, how do I went to that theater. I didn't sell out that theater. Oh, that person's selling out the theater. Oh, they have a 1.1 million followers. God, how do I get that 1.1?

I used, it took me so long to get to one and I've been at one now for like almost a year. Oh, I took a year to get an extra 100,000. I'm not having enough growth. Oh, that girl's hair looks really thick. Oh, that girl, oh my God, I can't believe her butt just like slopes like that off of her back. I have a stiff back from Pilates.

Like, you know, all the same things that we all get um frustrated about i sometimes find myself falling into that but um you gotta just start lying nikki you just post a picture of your audience in theater and be like sold out show it wherever you are and then i've talked about it i could do that because no one checks no one fax checks these things unless you were at the show. And most people at shows don't even know if it's sold out or not. They just assume it is. Because even a sold out show has a lot of empty seats. In fact, why don't I promote my tour right now?

Upcoming dates this Friday. I'm in Mystic Lake Casino outside of Minneapolis, Minnesota. I don't know. Prior Lake, Minnesota, I think is the name of the city. And then I'm in Calgary on Saturday night. So Anya will be there with me on Friday. And then on Saturday, I have my friend John Collin opening up in Calgary. And then next week was going to be Napa,

but now it's just a casino outside of Sacramento in Wheatland, California. Forget the name of the casino, though. Sorry about that. But if you're in a Sacramento area next week. No, it's Hard Rock Live. That's right. My dad will be opening on that one.

We'll be singing a song together to open and close the show. Anya will also be there. Then I have San Francisco. We have two dates in Denver coming up, December 30th, that I would really like besties to be at. So there's tons of dates, NikkiGlaser.com for tickets. Alright, so wait, did you answer what apps would you like to stay off of your phone? Is there any bad habits going on over there? Anya, your word games? Instagram. I mean, I don't...

What? Word games? I love that. I don't feel guilty about that at all, or I don't feel bad about that. I wish I could spend more time doing that. Do you do Wordle? Yeah. Yes, I love Wordle.

And I do Quirtle, and then I do Octurtle. I haven't heard of those. Those are all Pokemon. So fun. That's the same Pokemon evolved into three stages. Yeah. The test of whether or not you're on your phone too much is can you watch a movie in a movie theater or on your TV without looking at your phone? Because I do that all the time and I feel like that's a change.

Here's what I'll say to that though. Sometimes movies are fucking boring and they're a waste of your time and the fact that I want to look at my phone is not because I'm just like, I can't stay off my phone. It's because this movie does not respect me. And it's overindulgent. I would like to, but I'm there with Chris watching Oppenheimer.

Sometimes I just want to check the Oppenheimer to see how much longer I have to watch this fucking thing. No, Oppenheimer was actually good and I really enjoyed going to see that. I'm on my phone. Football I'm on my phone for. I'm telling you. That's normal.

You can come in and out for that. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Everyone's on their phone for football. They're checking their fantasy scores. They're checking their bets. They're checking the other scores of the other teams. You know what? Yesterday, I had a really good football moment. There was a...

Oh, fuck. Now I can't think of the word. I'm like having the Noah moment. But Noah, you came up with the Grapes of Wrath quote. I got it. Uh. Uh. He was...

It's what happens when the quarterback gets rushed before he's able to throw the football he's sacked pressured i called i called a sack i go he just got sacked and i was like chris was that a sack he was like it was a sack and i was like yeah that was last night you're watching i think maybe two nights ago there was a sack there was like actually four sacks i think the jets had like a lot of were sacked a lot or someone was night, they almost broke a record for sacks. Yeah, that's what it was. It was so many sacks. What was it, Brian?

I heard it on the news today. It was 10 sacks. 11 was the record. They almost got there. Daniel Jones looked pathetic back there. The Giants are in shambles. So what are you doing, Brian? Don't talk to him.

This isn't a football podcast, but I was just kidding when I said that. I appreciate it. It's a baseball podcast. Let's talk baseball. I was able to, and a punt. I'm going to figure out what a punt looks like as opposed to just a kick. This past weekend, the NFL did a special

event where they took the Saturday morning game, which took place in London. Every year they send some games to London to try to spread international sport. They took that game, which was on at 9.30 in the morning here. I guess it was 7.30 in the

morning for you guys. 6.30 in the morning here, 7.30 for you. It's really early. They made it a Toy Story AI The characters on the field looked like Toy Story characters. They made it a toy story AI. The characters on the field looked like toy story characters. They made it like a 3D generated toy story game in real time. Even the commentators were. Everybody.

So kids could watch it and think it was cartoons or something? Or just so kids could learn. Yeah. But what they did, and I texted Nikki this, the announcers were explaining the game as if you were a kid and you had never seen football before so they were teaching you how to play football and what all the rules meant and breaking it down really simply using cartoons during the whole game and i was like you should watch this nikki i love when you sent me that i

was so excited i was like oh my god this is great and i took i showed i told chris and he goes oh i didn't he was so grossed out because he hates the nfl and he's like they're trying any marketing to children in that way is um is kind of gross it is kind of i mean but uh you got to develop your audience yeah they're smart well you were a marketer in sales but don't you think that people in sales and marketing are kind of they're they're they're preying on people's dumbness and uh what's it called susceptibility it's a sucker born every minute yeah they saw you coming i told chris the other day that whenever my parents see like a purchase i got they go it looks like they saw you coming he was like that's the meanest thing you can say to someone i'm like is it oh i think i said it to him jokingly and he was like that's really mean i was like my parents's the meanest thing you can say to someone. I'm like, is it? Oh, I think I said it to him jokingly. And he was like, that's really mean.

I was like, my parents say that to me about everything. They must have seen you coming. That reminded me, there used to be a store called Hits or Misses. Hit or Miss. Hit or Miss for clothing. My mom used to go to. Your mom used to come home with clothes. I'm like, you missed again.

Poor mom. All right. Well, we got to get a break, but we will come back and have a little story time with EJ Glazer. poor mom alright well we gotta go to break but we will come back and have a little story time with DJ Glazer Jon Stewart is back at the Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with

the Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment, sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it. And there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes. You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever. Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice,

and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously, both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, and wherever you get your podcast. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you.

One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, we're back. I thought it would be a good idea because we have

you here to document a good story. I was thinking about buying you this thing where you just get interviewed at a radio station and then they have all your stories on tapes for future generations to hear. And then I thought, well, I have my own thing. And you have really good stories.

And you're not always going to be here. So I was thinking to have something for future generations and just for us to enjoy while you're here. But tell one of your stories so it's always cemented and we won't have to just kind of try to remember it in the future. For like Arlo and Poppy. And it's just a good story in general.

So sorry to base it around your mortality. But it's kind of the impetus for that. Okay, I'll tell a story. This is 1972. It was spring break. I was in high school. And I didn't, you know, I wanted to go to Florida for high school break. And in those days, you just hitchhiked everywhere. So a buddy of mine and I, we both

were going to hitchhike to Fort Lauderdale. Actually, we were going to go into Cocoa Beach because his brother had a place there. And we each had 40 bucks in our pocket, and we were going to go down there for like five, six days. And so we hitchhiked from Cincinnati, Ohio, and we made it to Richmond, Kentucky, and we both had hair down our shoulders, real long hair. So you're 18. I'm 18. No, I was only 17 at the time. Oh, okay. And I'll get to that later. This is a pretty long story, but I'll make it more succinct.

So we got picked up for hitchhiking. And subsequently, I read in 1972, Richard Nixon made a decree to the federal government to stop hitchhiking because they thought drugs were being transferred around the country by hitchhiking. Because I hitchhiked when I was a kid. We hitchhiked to Martha's Vineyard. We hitchhiked to Chicago. We hitchhiked all over the country. And there were people out there all over, guys and girls together hitchhiking. Yeah.

I'm reading this book by Pamela DeBar about being a groupie in the 60s and 70s. Do you know about her? She was like the quintessential groupie. She slept with Mick Jagger. I've heard about her. The one guy from Led Zeppelin, the guitar player, everyone. And she wrote this book. And the whole thing is hitchhiking all the time.

I can't believe women weren't murdered more. Was murdering not around back then? It happened occasionally. When did rape back then? It happened occasionally. When did rape come out? It happened occasionally. Okay. But hitchhiking, though, you see a Cadillac. Rape is evergreen.

You'd see a Cadillac go by, and you kind of like, you know, because the Cadillac was for older people. So you kind of just give it a little bit. But you'd see a Volkswagen, and you'd go like, look them in the eye. And you're like, because Volkswagen, if you saw a Volkswagen, it was a done deal. They'd stop, especially a Volkswagen bus. Or a Saab. In those days, a Saab, you knew it was a done deal. They'd stop. Especially a Volkswagen bus. Or a Saab. In those days, a Saab, you knew it was a ride. It's like, but you had to look them in the eye.

But anyway, so we were hitchhiking to Richmond, Kentucky. Got picked up by the cops. And they picked up some guys from Detroit right in front of us. And they had real long hair, too. And we didn't see them, but they were in the car when the cops picked us up. They arrested us. Took us to a jail. It was kind of like Mayberry on Andy Griffith's show.

What is that? Call back. Never heard of it. We had some drugs with us. We had some joints. And so it was in a little ring box. EJ, don't you admit that? That's my mom.

You sit on a podcast, you have joints? We had a couple of pills too. But anyway. What? Wait, what kind of pills, too. But anyway. What? Wait, what kind of pills? Like Quaaludes? No, it was something. Like, what were you popping back then?

This was called MDA. It's probably the same thing. Oh, so like. Maybe it's, yeah. So ecstasy? I guess that's what they call it now. Oh, wow. Okay.

We used to call it MDA, my darling amphetamine. Oh. But anyway, so I didn't do it that much. But we had it with us. We were going to do it down there. It was all exciting. So anyway, my buddy, he had it with him. So we're sitting on this cot.

It was a cot in this pre-Civil War prison slash city hall facility. So I'm sitting there. He passes it over to me. And they bring him in the other room. They're frisking him. And they frisk him down. And then he comes back in. And they and they say yeah he asked me to go so i passed it back over to him and i get in that room and they're frisking me and my legs and i never forget the cop he was

patting me down my legs he goes a little bit nervous there huh slim because my legs were shaking everyone called you slim back then remember when you were a waiter and you dropped up some, my dad was waiting tables one night when he was like 16 or something. And it was his first night waiting tables and he was so like overwhelmed. He had too many tables and he brought a soup over to this guy

and a droplet of sweat went into the soup and the guy goes, you're slipping slim. If he didn't see it, I was just going to leave it there, but he looked me in the eye, he saw it the guy goes, you're slipping slim. No. If he didn't see it, I was just going to leave it there, but he looked me in the eye. He saw it. He said,

you're slipping slim. Okay. So this guy said you're nervous. What's a war work to you? My mom dated a guy named Slim before she married my dad. Slim was a big term. So anyway,

so they put us in jail and we got in jail and I was under seven, under 18. So I was in the under 18 jail and my buddy was in the over 18 jail because he was older than me. And as soon as we get in the jail, I'm in there with these guys.

One guy had a bullet hole in his stomach, and he was just sitting there going, oh, just laying there. He was shot robbing a liquor store. Like bleeding? And there was a women's prison right above us. Oh, whoa. And there was this little walkway with cells over to the side. And it was pre-Civil War prison. It's gone now because I Googled it about 10 years ago.

But anyway, as soon as I got in there, there's a toilet with plumbing going up and there's holes in the ceiling. And this guy came out of nowhere. He's standing on the toilet and he's yelling up. There's a hole in the ceiling. He's going like, hey, girls, come on down. And so the girls were squatting on this hole, and these guys were fingering the girls through. Oh, my God.

And this is my first exposure. I'm like, oh, my God. And this guy turned around and said, Mona's, he said, bring me Mona. He says, Mona's the one that's got the mole on her ass. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And so then, meanwhile, all of a sudden, we start smelling marijuana smoke. And my buddy is over in the cell.

If I leaned over all the way, I could see his eye. He could see my eye. And he's smoking a joint with some big fat guy. And this fat guy, he said, look at my buddy. And the guy had a, if you know the comic strip, Little Abner, Daisy from Little Abner, he had it on his back. And they had a tattoo of Daisy. I'll never forget. But the kingpin.

Getting fingered. The kingpin of my jail cell, this guy that had been in there 74 days, he was like, you got, your buddy's got drugs. Your buddy's got marijuana. I was like, Jerry, you got to flush it down. Get rid of that stuff. So he got rid of it. But anyway, so we were in there overnight. bedbugs biting me all night. And we had this little- Oh, no. Dad, get out of here. You might still have them.

And the guy in my cell, his wife was up above us and there was a little hole in a pipe. And so all night he was talking to her and going, what you doing to my face? With his lips around the hole. So I couldn't understand what he was saying, but he was having this conversation. So he kept me awake all night. The next day, they put us in front of a judge, and it was just like a judge you'd see from some old movie about the old South.

And this guy was a Kentucky judge from way back when. But he saw our long hair, and we were all, all four of us, the guys from Detroit, my buddy and I, were all put in front of him. And he said, $30 fine plus a haircut or 30 days. And he put the gavel down. And I was like, sir, I need my long hair. I'm in a rock and roll band.

It's how I make a living. Wasn't true at the time. But I said, I was trying to appeal to a sense of capitalism. I need my long hair to make a living. And he said, $30 fine plus a haircut For 30 days So my buddy and I I said I'm not going to get my hair cut So they marched us back to the prison

The two guys from Detroit They took the haircut And so on the way back to the prison I said to the guy that was marching us back We haven't made a phone call yet You got to let us make a phone call So my buddy, his father was a dentist And we called Dr. Lottman. He called Dr. Lottman and said, you know, they're trying to get us to cut our hair. We have $30 fine. So his dad was honestly going to drive

down to help us out. Meanwhile, they marched us back into prison and the guy that was the turnkey was, that's what they call him. The guy had all the keys. He was a trustee, but he had on bib overalls. He was a Kentucky hillbilly. And he marched me back into prison. They gave us a round of applause when they found out that we wouldn't get our haircut. Wow. We were heroes in the jail. But the guy that was the kingpin of my jail cell, this guy named Roy put us in.

And the guy said, Roy, and Roy said to him, he said, if I was your age, I'd get my hair cut in a minute to get out of this prison. And the guy in my jail cell said, Roy, if you were our age, you'd have your hair so long you'd have to part it in the middle and take a shit. I'll never forget that one. Wow. Good one. But then anyway, so from this prison cell, you could stand on a bench and see the town square. And the one guy was giving a play-by-play going, like, they're going.

The guys from Detroit, they're going in. They're going in. They're going in the barbershop. And so everybody's waiting in hesitation. And there were girlfriends out there talking to these guys in jail. The windows were open. And then the guy said, they're coming out. They're coming.

They got burrs. They got burr haircuts. And so everybody's going, you got. In those days, if you had a burr haircut, it was a kiss of death. You weren't going to get laid. You were, you know. Really? It was that bad?

You know, you were like a Vietnam. You were at war or something in the military. Whoa. So anyway, but. Wait, burrs meaning shave everything off. Shave, just shave. Yeah, just all the way down. Yeah.

And so I always said that, you know, my buddy and I. So Dr. Lottman came and got us out. And we had to be paid the $30 fine. We didn't have to get a haircut. Nice. But we didn't have any money, so we didn't make it to Florida. But I always said like, you know, those guys might have made it to Florida, but they never got laid because they had to burn haircuts. Wait, so you didn't have to stay 30 days, thank God.

No, no, no. Okay, Final thought. That's why, but you were prepared to give up, to do 30 days in that place over getting your hair cut? I don't know. I think I would shave my head to avoid 33 days in a prison. I think, I guess I knew we didn't make a phone call and I thought that they can't make us cut our hair. I've heard that that phone call thing is actually not even real.

Really? Like you're not heard that that phone call thing is actually not even real. Really? You're not entitled to a phone call. If you're arrested now and you're like, I need my phone call, they'll be like, no, you. That's a thing in movies. It's not a real thing. I wrote a paper, though, in civics class for that senior year, and the title was, give me hair or give me death. Oh, my God. How about that?

How stupid. how much would it cost you noah and anya to do a burr to do a shave your head how much money i mean okay let me just let's saw some wait if it means i get out of jail thousand dollars three hundred thousand dollars right now to shave your head. Okay, $100,000 cash to shave your head. It's not as valuable anymore. It's inflation and stuff. Not tax, straight up cash, no questions asked. You always have to pay a tax.

No, not in this case. It's coming straight to you. You'll get $150,000 cash. Okay, so yeah. If you want to factor in tax, it will be $150,000. And then you'll end up with $100,000. I'll take the $300,000. No, so you wouldn't do it for $100,000?

You're passing it up? I think I'm passing it up. So isn't that interesting? But what about $200,000? Because there is a price where it would come down to a cent. Where you would do it and then a cent where you wouldn't do it. Isn't that weird about things? Yeah.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, if there's a sign where you say yes or a time where you say no, there is, it comes down to a cent difference of the yes and no.

Which is interesting. Wait, what did you say? You could just amp up the makeup or wear a wig? So a hundred grand, you would not do it. A hundred grand.

I would do it. A hundred grand. I would do it. I would do it. Yeah. I'll do it. Because it'll be a great story to tell. Okay, I got a hundred grand, you would not do it. A hundred grand. I would do it. A hundred grand. I would do it. I would do it. Yeah. I'll do it. Cause it'll be a great story to tell. Okay.

I got a hundred grand, but my head shaved. Big deal. We'll grow back in a few, you know. Yeah. I'm looking for any excuse to do it. It would be so fun. And, and I would regret it instantly. And I would cry so much.

Cause I have dreams a lot about shaving my head or like getting my hair caught in something where it has to be. What's holding you back? Societal acceptance, hosting shows, being invited on TV shows. People don't want to see a short woman with a shaved head.

That's why Sinead O'Connor was so badass. Do you know that she did that? Well, that's really nice. I'm sure she didn't end up killing herself because of comments like that. Do you know that she shaved her head before you ever even knew she was famous she did it the second um someone from um the record company said we're we we need you to um we need you to what did they say they they wanted her to like dress a certain way or whatever they just were like uh you should start wearing skirts and she not only did not wear skirts but she said you're gonna i see where

this is going i'm shaving my head she right away just shaved her head i read that without any hesitation and she never looked back because she never wanted anyone to weigh in on what she was doing or to dismiss her because she was a woman or like, like her just because she had long hair. She became more famous because she did have a shaved head though. You know, really? Yeah. She hated fame too.

She thought it was disgusting and she was just the coolest ever. Um, but definitely struggled with, uh, mental illness more than anyone I've ever heard. And from, you know, talking about reading people's biographies and stuff like that,

it, she was very clear about, like, my life is haunted by mental illness because she got beat so bad when she was young that it explains all of it. But she also, and Prince, you guys got to read what Prince did to her. I think they printed the excerpt from her book.

Prince, I will always hate because of what he did to Sinead O'Connor. He invited her to his house in the middle of like, he sent a car for her. He called her and was like, I'm sending a car for you because she had already done nothing compares to you, which is Prince's song. And he said, I want to meet you. And she's like, of course, I can't wait to meet Prince. And she gets there. And so you don't have to read. I'll just tell you what happens. She gets there and the driver won't talk to her or say anything. It's really dark.

They pull in. It's a completely dark house. And he leads her. He's like lurch. He leads her to the kitchen. And she's like, where's Prince? And she's just like, he's she's waiting there for like 20 minutes. It honestly reminds me of when I met Charlie Sheen.

We were just led into his house and then we just were abandoned. And they were like, Charlie's upstairs. He'll be down. And we were just like, what? Sorry for another time. But she waits and waits. Finally, she starts getting like bored and she starts like, just like looking at like, what kind of dishes does he have?

She's like looking for a cup of water or something. And then he appears out of nowhere, like behind her and he spooks her. And then he, um, he says, I don't like how much you've been cussing. Cause he had just been going through this religious revival where he had found the Lord. And so he was like, I don't like how much you've been cussing. Because he had just been going through this religious revival where he had found the Lord. And so he was like, I don't like the way you conduct yourself in interviews. And she goes, fuck you.

She literally said something like, I'll fucking do whatever I fucking want to do. And he was fuming mad. And so then he, I think at that point, he offered her a glass of water, but he slammed the glass down with such anger that it like almost broke and then he um so he was already and she was like she said she clocked it right then and there that this is a violent man because she had dealt with so much violence growing up she

was like my life is in danger right now she truly felt it so she was like i just have to get out of here and i have to survive this because i'm so scared. So then he disappears again and then he shows up and his butler is shaking. He's slipping slim. He's shaking in fear. He brings soup over to Prince and she doesn't want soup. She has an eating disorder. So she's like, I don't want soup. I already ate.

And he's like, you will eat the soup. And she goes, I'm not fucking eating your soup. And he's furious about that. And so then he starts so then he goes he realizes he's not kind of like gonna win with these kind of maneuvers with her all these mind games he's playing with her in this dark weird house and she has no idea why she's there he's just scolding her about cussing on tv he's mad at her so then he disappears and he comes back and he is like hands her a pillow and he goes let's have a pillow fight and she's like okay well maybe we can do this as soon as she gets hit by his pillow it has something very hard

inside it and she realizes that he's put like like a alarm clock or something in the pillow and he's chasing her around with it and so then she realizes that she is like in danger so she runs out the door to run away. She runs into the woods. She first tries to wake up the guy that's sleeping in the car, but she can't get him to wake. And she has no idea where she is or how she got there because they called for a car and just showed up at her house. She has no idea where she is. So she runs into the woods.

He then gets, Prince gets into his car and starts chasing her in the woods and like taking his high beams and putting them through the woods to find her and then screaming like, I know you're in there. And she's hiding in the woods in the middle of the night. This is a horror film. Total horror film. This is not, I mean, this is her account.

You can read this. Then she- Oh, I believe her. He finally thinks that she's run somewhere else. So he drives off and then she takes off in the woods, ends up on the 101 highway, walking down the highway, looking for anyone to pick her up, trying to hitchhike can't get a ride then she then all of a sudden she's

trying to hitchhike and she realizes it's prince's car he then parks his car on the 101 gets out and starts chasing her down the highway is chasing her around she finally escapes by running up to a house and banging on the doors for for help and the lights go on and he takes off in his car never to return again but then she um she the people didn't come to the door and she had to walk home like five miles from the valley where he took her he's a fucking psycho i am so glad you shared this story what people need to read it because i really missed of some of like just setting the tone for how creepy this all was and what autobug just to be yeah i read her whole devil's advocate people who are close to prince say that her story is a fabrication of a mentally

ill person well this is not nice of course desperate for attention yeah i of course they're gonna say that based on what i read of hers you know i'm i'm obviously i'm i'm more apt to believe a mentally ill woman than i am like a super famous little guy that has a napoleon complex and obviously had a lot of abuse in his childhood too so i have some empathy for him but the way that i read this story the first time i read it in rolling stone i think it was an excerpt and then i read it a couple months ago in her book. It struck me as a very true story with details that weren't, that were

crazy but not so crazy that it wouldn't have happened. Also, she has absolutely nothing to gain from that. No. From telling that. No, she didn't. She waited. She waited decades to write that. And she said that song she was like, people are like,

how do you feel about that song being from this guy that attacked you? And she goes, that song was always mine. She was like, I made that song. That song was written by him,

but that song was mine. It was always mine. I made that song. And I kind of liked that. So good. Yeah, I love her. Okay, I'm changing my answer. $200,000 to shave my head

as an homage to Sinead. Yay! Okay, we did it. All right. Everybody start a collection. Yeah. For the crab lice and for Anya to shave my head as an homage to Sinead. Yay! Okay, we did it. All right. Everybody start a collection. For the crab lice and for Anya to shave her head, which they won't have anywhere to exist. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening.

Have a great weekend. We'll see you in Minnesota and Calgary this week. That's this weekend. I can't believe it. It's happening so soon. See you there, besties. Thank you for listening to the podcast. And just keep your hair long.

Give your hair or give you death. Watch out for bears. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and

contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

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