The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #383 Brian In STL!, What's Your Height? & People We Travel Amongst

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

Nikki has a surprise in studio! His name is Brian Frange! While staying in St. Louis Brian gets a first hand account of how Chris Convy goes the extra mile. The cast of the show get a little closer as they all guess each other's heights, and learn about their pee. Nikki was entertained by a family at her airport gate. She talks more about not wanting kids, people who are jealous of youth and advice that parents need to hear. While reading another chapter of The Four Agreements, Nikki asks how to not take things personally. It's hard! In the Final Thought, they play the game Top1 Bottom1 and the topic is people that they travel amongst.  Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki Hello, here I am Welcome to the show It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast I'm in St. Louis, Missouri Guess who's here in studio with me It's me I guessed

Yeah, I wanted you to guess Where you were Brian Frangie is here in St. Louis in studio He was here this weekend Working at a local comedy club Opening for Adam Conover from Adam Runes Everything. How was that weekend of shows? Oh, great weekend of shows. I had a great time.

You hadn't done stand-up in a really long time. Well, the last time I did a weekend was right before my wedding in May, I realized. That's a long time. Totally forgot about that. Yeah, Chris said something pretty funny because Chris and Tim came out to see the first night of shows. I was going to go, but I was tired. Yeah. That's what I heard.

No offense, but I would have liked to see you and then leave, but then I would have had to stay for Adam's. Not that I don't want to see Adam, but I just didn't. I thought you were out of town. I got back in town like an hour before. Oh, right, right. And I was so exhausted. But I did want to see you, but I thought it would be rude if I left right after you. Sure, sure. And not save for Adam.

Yes. So I just missed everything. You missed everything. But I heard you were so good. I did a great job. Chris said something that really struck me on the ride home. Because I was talking talking about like you know getting the rust off

and stuff and he was like it's really hard to be funny like twice a year and I was like yeah you know that's right

because I'm like how do I get better at this how do I get better at stand up and it was like well you gotta it's hard to do it just twice a year

and it's not like I'm only doing it twice a year but like you know it's not my priority no it's hard to do it just twice a year and it's not like I'm only doing it twice a year but like you know it's not my priority no it's that is the truth when people dabble in it

you can dabble all you want but don't expect to see results it's like working out it's like singing it's like playing guitar I can't be mad at myself for being a shitty guitar player when I play twice a month. I'm never going to grow from that. But it was a good week of shows.

By the end of the week, I bet you felt strong. I felt very strong. I was doing bicep curls all weekend. By the end, I was like, I can lift a good amount. And you stayed at Chris's place. Yeah, I stayed at Chris's old place. His old place that he doesn't live in anymore. But he's fixing up to maybe rent at some point.

Which is the second time I've stayed there without him. Isn't it nice? It's very nice. You say they're longer more than I have. I've been there. I've slept in Chris's bed

more than you have. I really, you really have. It's a very classy joint because one time I was on Zoom with Chris and I saw the background and I was like,

is that, I was like, is that your real background or is that a photo? And he's like, oh no, that's my real background. It's so nice.

He redid his whole kitchen himself. Yes, himself. And it's like a dream kitchen. It looks like the Zoom kitchen background. It's that good. Yeah. Wow. He's very handy.

How amazing you got in there. It's an expensive ticket to get into the Convy house. I don't know that many people that have been in there. Oh, yeah. He doesn't have been in there. Oh, yeah. He doesn't have many guests over. Oh, really? Well, I feel very special. And Chris is like the ultimate host.

There could not be a better host. When I arrived at the house, there was like craft services set up in the kitchen with all of my favorite snacks. Yes. This is what he does. It was absurd. You think he might just do that because you're his girlfriend but then you find out, no. He does it for anyone he cares about.

He is just someone, I was telling my dad this weekend because I was hanging out with my dad and we were talking about my relationship and I'm like, he just, he'll do, this man will do anything for me. Anything. If I were to ask him, yeah, you you know like if i'm in dallas and

he's here and i was like i forgot my charger he would overnight he would overnight he wouldn't go just get a new charger he'd be like obviously she wants her charger and i'm gonna overnight it tomorrow first thing in the morning to go to like he goes above and beyond yeah extra mile he does which we used to call having anal sex. When, for some reason, we would always say, not about us, but we'd say, that girl really, I think we watched a porn once where the girl went the extra mile and it was having anal. And so whenever I hear that now, that's what I think of. That should be the phrase for all.

For what? Like for the world. Everyone should say, I went the extra mile last night yes like that should be the euphemism the hershey highway yeah there's already hershey highway right and they have mile markers but uh yeah we and then last night i won't go into too many details but chris uh hung out with bill Maher because he was in town and I wasn't, but they went out

on the town hobnobbing and had a boys night. They went the extra mile. Yeah, I'll tell that story at some point if I have permission to do so, but they went out on the town. They went on the wrong side of town, if you know what I'm saying. They went out and that just makes me so you know what I'm saying they went out and

that just makes me so happy are people gonna figure this out? yeah I mean now it sounds like they went cruising for hookers which you know in many ways the place they went

is where you would go if you wanted to let's just put it this way they spent a lot of money yes I wonder how much he did spend because I will say

that when my boyfriend has been in an establishment like this before, a year ago on his birthday when I surprised him, he did greet me at the door with a handshake when he didn't know

that I wasn't a lady of the night. That's the most incredible story I maybe have ever heard. You hadn't heard it on the podcast. I told you just in person one time. I could not believe that. It is one of my best stories ever is that I did that. People do think I'm a pretty cool chick for doing that.

It's kind of one of my things where I go, okay. That and putting a gummy worm in my vagina one time because I knew my boyfriend was going to finger me when he picked me up from the airport. And that was his favorite snack. What? Yeah, different. Chris would not be entertained by that. He doesn't want to hear about that.

He would go, Glaze, what the hell? Because I do some gross stuff with him sometimes, but that wouldn't have turned him on at all. He's like, these are from my craft services tray. He's a goody and he's in the other room watching football right now

when we do this. He's keeping track. Yeah, and you're on your way out. I just got in. I flew from Calgary this morning. Calgary is so far west. I forgot how far it is. I had to go through Minneapolis. I woke up at 4 a.m. in Calgary, which is mountain time here in the States,

and then I landed at 2 p.m. Central Time. So that's a good- You were all over the place. That's an 11, yeah, 10 hour, nine hour, something like, yeah, it was all over. You do like one show in one city one night and then you go to another city the following night? Which is like not the way it used to be

because it used to be clubs. You just stay in the same place all weekend. And I used to always go like, man, I can't wait. Actually, I never said that. I never have wanted more than what I have. I always am kind of happy with what I have. I've never been like, I can't wait to play theaters.

I knew it was coming, but I wasn't like chomping at the bit like some people are. Sure. Like, I remember when I started doing theaters, Chris got me a cake that said, see you later clubs. And I was like,

but I've never really had this attitude about clubs. I liked that he said it, but I also was like, I will be back to clubs because I'm going to age never really had this attitude about clubs. I liked that he said it, but I also was like, I will be back to clubs because I'm going to age someday and people will forget about me and I will be back in clubs because that's the way it goes.

In fact, I'm going to be back at clubs. I was just thinking that. This tour, I'm going to do some clubs. I'm doing the Brea Improv where Brian will be opening for me. Forget the dates on that. Do you remember? December 4th or something?

Yeah, the Brea Improv. That's going to be so fun to be back in a club. And then I just found out Forget the dates on that. Do you remember? December 4th or something. Yeah. The Brea Improv. That's going to be so fun to be back in a club. And then I just found out I'm doing the Tempe Improv November 16th and 17th. Holy shit. I was supposed to be in Vegas those dates, but they got canceled because of the F1 races. So instead of being in Vegas, I'm going to be at the Tempe Improv on those dates. And you know who's going to be there to see you?

Me. Noah! Tempe! That's the other place. That's the other place I did comedy this year. In Tempe? At the Tempe Improv.

Oh, I love the name Tempe. Tempe's great. It's such a cute name. Sun Devils. And then, yeah, so I was,

we were all over the place. Anya was with me, opened for me in, where were we? Prior Lake, Minnesota. Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is like 30 minutes away from Minneapolis, or at least the airport. But it was a casino called the Mystic Lake Casino. One of those cities where you just go, Minnesota!

Yeah, you don't say Prior Lake, Minnesota. Everyone would be like, Prior Lake? This is just anian reservation that none of us know the name of um yeah it was nice that was sold out show thank you to everyone for coming out to that that was felt really really nice to walk out and see just like a giant fucking room of people who dedicated their night to come watch me and do stand-up and and it was awesome that was and they had like I like when they had the screens

up on the side yes I mug a little bit more it's more and it's more fun to watch screens like when I go see Taylor Swift I'm watching the screens

sure so you see yourself in the screen and you mug more a little bit sometimes I'm like oh that's a good angle like I kind of like play to it

but yeah people I can see the people watching the screen and I like that because it does it does feel like it's a show it's like more pro it's more modern yeah it was nice and then that the dinner was really delicious oh god after that show ironically the only good place to get vegetarian options is at a steak restaurant turns out yeah they do have the best veggie sides oh my god yeah steak places do have the best veggie sides. Oh my God. Yeah, steak places do have the best veggie sides. You just got to make sure they don't use butter.

Did you have asparagus pea that night? I had such. I either don't have the gene to smell the pea or I don't have the gene that makes your pea smell. So we've determined, or I didn't determine, scientists determined that asparagus pea smell, there are some people who can't smell it

even if the smell is in the air. Yeah. They need the gene for it And then you also might not even have Smell coming from your pee Because you don't have that gene So I don't think I have either I might have the pee smell But I'm not able to smell it

I'm so glad that scientists figured that out They spent their valuable time Figuring out why Our pee smells when we eat asparagus. My pee will smell exactly like almond milk, though, when I drink too much almond milk. What? It changes.

It's almost like a pissing almond milk. Your body has absorbed nothing. That means your body didn't absorb anything from the almond milk. Oh, that's interesting. A lot of almond milk is just like carrageenan and other emulsifiers. Oh, I know. It's so gross. Chris started buying this almond milk that has no additives.

It has no carrageenan. It has no oil. It all has oil in it. Oh, yeah. It's so gross. Have you ever made your own? You can make your own. I would never do that to you.

My friend used to do it. And you get like a nut milk bag and you like squeeze it all. I can't make anything. I just sent you a thing that Bethany Frankel made that I'm like, I could make this. I can make a little snack. I wanted to write you about that because the way she says

almond. Almond. A-H-M-I-N-D. Almond. Theremond. A-H-M-I-N-D. Almond. Almond. Yeah. There's no L. Yeah, that's kind of annoying.

Someone, I just saw a podcast call out people that say coupon. Coupon? And that has been annoying me. There was a Nate Bargatze clip recently going around and he said coupon the whole time and I was just like. Oh, wait. How do you say? I know that's a dialect. I know that people just say that

that way. Two questions. One is how do you say the fluffy thing that you sleep on? A mattress. I mean the fluffy thing that goes under your head. That goes under your head. A pillow. A pillow? Not a pillow. It's not a pillow. People say pillow. Pillow. They do say pillow. I don't know why.

I think Noah might say pillow. You seem like a person that says pillow Noah Pillow Okay good And then you have almond blank The stuff you were just drinking And then how do you say the next word Milk just kidding milk

People say milk I know they do Milk is an atrocity That is a criminal offense Remember Hannah from The Bachelor Everything that ended in ing It's ink I've been thinking

Like a Russian About falling in love with you Yeah everything is ink And it's almost like a southern thing I think it is in Alabama That people do Think I've been dancing

Yeah that one You've got a word that you say weird. What is it? Yeah, you say. Wait, spell it. V-E-G-A-S. Oh. Oh, I've struggled with this one forever.

But I say it. I'm trying to get better. Vegas. Oh, that's correct. But I say Vegas. Yeah, Vegas. I kind of like Vegas. It sounds like it should be Vegas.

Yeah. I like Vegas. Vegas sounds cool. I got called on that years ago, and then I switched should be Vegas. Yeah. I like Vegas. I got called on that years ago and then I switched over to Vegas and I would literally in my head see V-A-Y-G-U-S because I was so bad about pronouncing it. And now I guess I'm back to Vegas.

Back to Vegas. I like how she pronounces this part of Los Angeles. L-O-S space F-E-L-I. But Brian, how do you say it? Oh, sorry. Oh, well, I've been called out by a Hispanic person for saying it wrong, and I forgot how they told me to say it. No, that is right. Feliz.

I would say Los Feliz. But everyone in LA says Los Feliz, which is another fact. Los Feliz, yeah. I think that's how you're supposed to say it. No, it's not. I forgot what this man told me, but he yelled at me on the streets says Los Feliz. Los Feliz. Yeah. I think that's how you're supposed to say it. No, it's not. I forgot what this man told me, but he yelled at me on the street. I don't know why. Feliz Navidad.

Yeah, because it's like Feliz means happy in Spanish. And that's Feliz, like the song. But the name. When you go there, no one's smiling. Everyone's too cool to smile. Getting back to my piss. Would you smell my asparagus pee if I peed

would you get dragged into a bathroom yeah 100% because I don't think it smells like shit you know it just smells like

kind of acidic it's probably going to smell funky but it's not going to make me want to barf right no it's not great it doesn't smell like B.O. it smells like B.V.

is what it smells like oh see B.V. makes me sick. That fish smell. Well, if you can't smell your own, then you're going to be able to smell hers? But I might not have the gene that makes the pee, so I might be able to smell it.

And this would be determining, because I ate probably 40 stalks of asparagus the other night because we did a double order and Chris didn't like it, so I ate all of his. And I did not smell anything in my pee. But Chris might have smelled it from the next room and been like, Jesus Christ.

I could eat like a half of an asparagus and it'll smell. So you could smell it? Really? Same. Me too. Okay. But this is a great thing that Brian brings up. We should smell each other's pee. Maybe it's genetic to us. Like maybe I can't smell Nikki's asparagus pee,

but I could only smell mine. No, you can smell it on everyone, I think, if you can smell it. But some people don't have the smell. So you wouldn't be able to, if I didn't have the smell in mind, you wouldn't be able to smell it even if you could smell it, I think.

This reminds me of something like when I was in college, like when I would make a suggestion of like, you should all go to dinner and then everyone would be like, what the fuck's wrong with you? That's like you suggesting that we should all smell each other's pee.

We should all look at each other's vagina. I was just going to say that. What do you guys think? That's what we used to do. Before we forget, I do want to say that a bestie came

to one of the shows in St. Louis that I was at this weekend. That's so nice. And I don't go outside and stand there and wait for people to say that a bestie came to one of the shows in St. Louis that I was at this weekend. That's so nice. And I don't go outside and stand there and wait for people to say good job to me. I usually just disappear. Yeah. But she went up to Adam who was doing a meet and greet and said, I want to meet Brian.

Oh. And then Adam texted me and was like, you should come out here. There's someone who came to see you. Yay. And I was so flattered and so happy. That's so sweet. I came out and she was there and she's like i'm a bestie and i was like are you kidding me you came here to see me are you

kidding and she was like yeah i came to see you tell you that you seem taller in person because people can't believe how tall you are oh well i'm not that tall well you're six foot i'm 5 11 and a half i've never made it to six okay well you come off tall like Anya and Noah or Noah, I think, but both of them thought you were shorter. They thought you were around 5'8". Yeah. No, shorter. Wait, you thought he was like 5'4"?

I thought he was tiny. I thought he was a tiny guy. Wait, let's go through our heights because people don't know. I'm 5'9". Brian, you're 5'11". 5'11 and a half. Anya is 5'2". Brian, you've never met me.

So what do I project? Like, what am I presenting to you? Yeah. What am I surveying? You seem like a tall thin. You seem shorter because... I think... I wouldn't be shocked if you were 5'9".

Not at all. Actually, I think Nikki is much taller. I always thought Nikki was much taller. Yeah, Nikki reads 5'11". You read like you could play basketball. Thanks.

Usually people say you're much taller than I thought, but then recently I've been getting you seem taller on TV, so I don't know what to think about it.

Interesting. I want to be 5'10", just like Taylor Swift. I just guessed Noah was 5'6", but I've met Noah. I've seen Noah in the flesh a thousand times. Brian, what do you think

my height is? I do believe you're short. Even though I've never met you, your personality is that of a short person. I wouldn't say that. I would say you're a spinner. I look at you and I'm like,

she's a spinner. It means short. I wouldn't say that. I would say you're a spinner. I look at you and I'm like, she's a spinner. That's what that means. It's a thing, guys. You want to put this hot little girl on your dick and you can just spin them around. You are that. 100%. That is a compliment, right, Nick? I like it.

Yeah, because Noah's incredibly nice and then she could also destroy you. And that's what a short person's personality is, I think. Yes. How tall are you, Noah? 5'3". 5'3".

Yeah. And Anya? 5'3". I'm probably like 5'3". You're 5'3"? Yes. Are you shocked? Oh my God.

If you were to ask me who is taller, I would say Anya without question. The fact that they're the same height is baffling. This makes me happy because that means I'm cuntier sounding. And when I was on the radio as a DJ, I would meet people all the time in San Diego. It would be like, oh my God, no offense. And this is such a weird piece of feedback. I thought you were like a bigger brunette

what does that mean a hundred percent of the people that would say i thought you look different would all say a bigger brunette yeah radio people's voices i mean now we can kind of see everyone because of social media but like back in the day you meet someone from the radio i fell in love what the fuck and then you met her. Years and years ago, I was listening to some random podcast off of NPR or something and the person's voice was like, I think I need to meet this person. I'm in love with this person.

And then I did wind up seeing a picture of them and I was like, I don't need to meet them. I don't think I need to meet them, actually. I know. And it was disappointing to me because I'm like, now I know the face, the voice. And it would be nice if I just imagined whatever I wanted. Yes.

With the voice. Yes. But can I just say really quickly, her name was Jessica H. That was the bestie that came to the show. So shout out to Jessica H. Shout out to Natalie and Maddie and Alan, who are the names of the besties who I met last night or maybe the night before, too. And there were some other besties who gave me presents and stuff. Like so many came out and gave me cards and a little picture frame and so many nice things.

And we just love it so much. So thank you so much for doing that and if you are a bestie and you're trying to do the thing where you get into the show for free and you've come alone and all that don't wait if there's a long line in front of me and you're waiting to be polite just cut ahead of the line and just quickly be like anya can i get into the show really quick i came along yeah there were a few besties that were waiting in a very long line that almost missed the meet and greet so just just do that. I promise you it'll be fine. Yes, that's good. Thanks, Anya, for saying that.

All right, we got to go to break. We'll be back with more after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How To Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf.

Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's Golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with All right, we're back. There is a new Nikki Pod memes

that just came up. Whoever does that, thank you so much. We love it. And this one is like a drawing of a man and there are three different ones and it says headache

and his head has like a red spot on it. Stomach ache and then there's like red where his stomach is and then Brian is just the whole man is red. It says, where does it hurt? I just can't wait until that's not true i know yeah one day what are you at today oh bad it's been really yeah but uh i do want to say never tell us who

you are nikki pod memes creator like it's just like the voice we don't want to know what you look like we don't want to see your face we don't want to know what you look like. We don't want to see your face. We don't want to know who you actually are. We just want to imagine. But I feel like you're 5'10". You feel like a person who's 5'10". But we just want to imagine you, the perfect version of you is in each of our heads as a different thing. So you're going to disappoint one of us

if you reveal your identity. I never get worried about Nikki Pod memes of making me upset or offending me in any way. that i feel really safe with it because i don't think many meme accounts would make me feel safe it's like when someone does an impression of you where you're like okay i can't wait for this but you're just like waiting for something really offensive to happen so nikki pod means you never disappoint me i'm never like what's this gonna be it always makes me feel good um there was one meme you did once where chris saw

it and was like will you explain this to me to me because it was like um it was something about chris going on like some expedition and then me pulling up tinder because i had made the joke like if he dies doing like okay babe go like scale mountaintops but i'm gonna put like go get back on raya yes and so once i explained he was fine, but he was like, you want to tell me what this means? I kind of liked it because I was like, are you scared to lose me? Sometimes you want to feel a little jolt of your partner's little

territorial of you. It feels nice. That's a spark. When they hit you, it means they love you. They're scared to lose you. That's why they key your car, too. Yeah. But, yeah, it was a fun weekend.

What about your airport experience? You said there was, like, a family there. Oh, yeah. Okay, so there was, like, a family at my gate today that I was, at first, it was, like, a husband with the nanny and the kids, right? And at first, I was trying to clock if he, like, had a crush on the nanny, if they were like flirting at all.

And there was like some light flirting, but it didn't bother me. I was like, I don't think it could have like flirting is very, it's, there's, there's a fine line. Yeah. Cause he could have just been being nice and she could be laughing at what he says. And I'm like, I'm painting this whole, like, I just read this Esther Perel, you know, article about cheating and how it doesn't mean that your marriage is unhealthy necessarily it's just a lot of people cheat just to find another part of

themselves or to like have a kind of adventure and it has nothing to do with your partner and like not satisfying a part of you like there's nothing they can do to like actually give you that thing that they need which is like I just need to feel alive for a little bit I need a shoplift I need to do something wrong I need to smoke cigarettes behind the shop class or whatever. You know, like you just want to feel bad and like there's nothing your partner can do to like give you that. So it's as it really has nothing to do with your partner. So I liked this article that I read about it because I'm interested.

I think and I posted on my Instagram of this article called Why Happy People Cheat. Yeah. And I thought it was interesting because it's just an, to me, I, it doesn't mean that I'm like, I'm going to cheat or I want Chris to cheat or like, I think Chris is cheating or I'm cheating.

Like, I don't want anyone to think that because I'm posting this, I'm like in favor of cheating. I just like subject matters that are taboo. Seemingly, even though so many people are doing them or it's happened so much. And I was listening to a Dax Shepard podcast with Esther Perel, and he said a really interesting thing, which is like, you know, we talk a lot about addiction on this show. We talk a lot about

eating disorders and things like that. But he's like, I think infidelity is the subject matter out of all the things we talk about that are taboo that affects more people than all of them and i thought that that was such a true statement that that cheating people don't talk about it but it's happening all the time around us and people don't people can quit and then never talk about it again so it's like it can be happening and never get addressed it's almost not like an addiction in terms of it's always going to spiral out of control like addictions are kind of always on a slippery slope. It's eventually you're going to reach a bottom. You can't do it forever. It's going to raise some red flags. Cheating can happen,

then go dormant, happen again. Little things pop up here and there. It can be a one-night stand. And it happens all the time. And I think that's why I'm drawn to it is I'm fascinated by things that are happening a ton. And everyone's like, no, I would never do that. No one in my family has ever cheated. We never cheat. Cheating is the worst thing that you could ever do.

And it's like, it's people equate it with like a hit and run as how bad it is of, or a murder. And it's way more common. In fact, you're listening to your parents. Probably a stop sign. It's like,

yes, thank you. Anya. It is totally rolling a stop sign. And I like, yes, thank you, Anya. It is totally rolling a stop sign. And I think that the data around it is just, you know, that's why I like talking about molestation. Because this weekend, Chris was like, hey, if you're going to talk about this and maybe give some stats on stage,

because I say one in four people were molested, but I don't even know where I heard that. He was like, you should probably look that up and give the actual stat. So I want to say the actual stat. And this is only self-reported. Sure. So let's be honest. Yes.

Sexual abuse self-reports are not telling the whole story because there's so much shame around it. Or people don't even realize. One in five women were molested before the age of 18. Wow, one in five? One in five and then one in 20 men. And I would venture to guess that number for men is way higher because women have a lot more. Yes. We have a lot more opportunity to talk about our sexual assaults. And it's less taboo for us to speak up for getting sexual assaulted than men.

So I would venture to guess it's more like one in 10 for men. But anyway, so I was kind of, Hardy had my mind around like cheating or whatever. And so I'm watching this like dad and he's taught, he's like, girls, do you want to call your mom as two little girls? And this one little girl, I had just done the wordle and I had like failed really miserably at it.

It was like a bad one today. I like didn't get it and I failed. And, and five guesses couldn't get it. And this little girl's probably like seven. And I hear her like working out and she's like, mom, can I, or maybe it wasn't, it was Damn. And this little girl's probably like seven. And I hear her like working out. She's like, mom,

can I, or maybe it wasn't, it was a different little girl. She asked her mom. So this is a different family. Sorry. They were all kind of together. She's like,

mom, can I do the wordle? Or like maybe to her babysitter. Can I do the wordle? And she, and she pulls up the wordle and on her iPad and the girl's going,

so it's either minge, binge. And I was like, I wanted to go like, it's binge. It's binge. And I was like, how did I not get binge? That's going, so it's either minge, binge, and I was like, I wanted to go like, it's binge, it's binge. And I was like,

how did I not get binge? That's like one of the things I think about doing all the time. But this little girl got it and then she went over to dad and she was like, see dad, it could either be this one

or this one. She was so smart. I was like, this girl might save us from climate change. Like this is our future. I kind of believe in things now. How old was she?

Like seven. And she figured out binge? Yeah. I knew the word binge. I kind of believe in things now. How old was she? Like seven. And she figured out binge? Yeah. I knew the word binge. I was like, wow. So then, because when she started the wordle,

I was like, there's no way she's going to get it. No, a seven-year-old? She's too young to understand the depths of that disorder. And then I go, wait, there's lots of binging

for like entertainment. Maybe it's steeped in somehow. Now we use that word kind of, you know, for TV and stuff. Maybe more young people are using word because of netflix and stuff like that and we just don't realize it maybe it's more common maybe it's top of mind for her yeah that's what i was thinking it could be just very she got lucky she's not gonna solve anything she's no smarty but she was

so cute and i was watching this family and i was kind of having the thing of like oh god I'm like this older woman who's passed up on this opportunity and I'm like kind of looking at this family like oh that could be me and I could be helping my daughter like with the wordle and talking to her about it like it seemed kind of fun and then um and then I saw the dad talking on the phone to the mom and the mom he first of all he answers the phone he goes mom. And the mom, he, first of all, he answers the phone. He goes, he goes, hey, or he doesn't answer the phone. He calls her. He goes, I just want to ask you, do you think our kids have ever been to the Cheesecake Factory?

You could tell she was like, what are you talking about, John? He goes, no, it's a simple question. Have our kids been to the Cheesecake Factory? And then she's again like, what are you saying? He's like, nope. It's just one question with one answer. Have our children been to the Cheesecake Factory? And then she's again like, what are you saying? He's like, nope. It's just one question with one answer. Have our children been to the Cheesecake Factory? Now his children are a seven-year-old girl and a four-year-old

boy, approximately, maybe five-year-old boy. And he goes, because they haven't. They haven't. We drove past one and she asked, is there cheesecake in there? And I go, what are you talking about? Is there cheesecake in there? So we took them for breakfast today and I was like, oh, the nanny went with you? And it's like 11 30 and they're at their gate i'm like

you went to the cheesecake factory like 9 a.m it was very confusing for a flight yeah so then i kind of like this guy's demeanor with the mom though he seemed like a funny dude and and then at one point he says to the daughter um reese or whatever her name is uh do you want to do recycling club after school? Which is an adorable club. And I'm thinking, this girl can save the world. Do you want to do recycling club after school? And she goes,

she looks up from her iPad, and she's like, yeah, yeah, I do. I thought that was so cute that she's like, yeah, I want to say it. She goes, after school? Yeah, yeah. And so he goes, yes, she does want to do it. And she goes, wait, dad, dad, dad. Then who's going to pick up Owen? Owen needs someone to pick him up and he goes no don't worry we've got it like but i was like this is my daughter that's me always worried about like her little brother but who's gonna pick it like she's trying to figure out older daughter symptoms of like

trying to figure out the whole thing like worrying about all the puzzle pieces when really your job as a seven-year-old, do you want to go to a recycling club or not? You don't need to worry about who's going to pick up. She's like, but we have swim practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yes, and I just was like, oh, this girl is in a, like I just know what her life is going to look like. Always taking care of everyone else.

I was like, then I just determined that one of her parents is probably an alcoholic. I know. Yeah, because she then I just determined that one of her parents is probably an alcoholic. I know. Yeah, because she has to take on that responsibility. She has to figure out, Owen's going to get forgotten. That happened once

and then she never let that go and now she's like, every time there's an issue, I need to be on top of it. Yeah, like I was obsessive about my sister being kidnapped because I just thought my parents were a little too

free with her. Yeah. And I had learned about kidnappers and I knew I wouldn't get kidnapped because I was thought my parents were a little too free with her. And I had learned about kidnappers, and I knew I wouldn't get kidnapped, because I was smart and vigilant and not that cute. And I knew my sister was adorable and kind of like just toddling around and would probably attract one, and I was obsessed with it.

Obsessed. And my parents didn't care at all. Doesn't that suck that in order to create that kid that you're like, this could be my daughter. I would love this kid. She had to go through some kind of trauma to become that person. Yes. Otherwise, she'd just be yeah, I'll do recycling. Or she would be like, no,

I don't want to do recycling club. She'd be like on her iPad, not even look up when he spoke. But because she's got an alcoholic parent, she's like a perfect child. Yeah. Because they're at the Cheesecake Factory boozing it up. They can't believe they haven't brought their daughter to the Cheesecake Factory at 7 a.m. Well, they could be any kind of a-holic, you know? That's what I mean, like exercise a-holic.

They have some kind of addiction in their house, which who the fuck doesn't? Right, exactly. Everyone does. Well, what I want to know is what was the why was the mom so hesitant to give up the information of whether or not the children were at the cheesecake why is my husband being so cheeky right now like why did he not say hello and he just answered the phone with like he's just being this weird guy that he is like he was trying to be funny okay okay you know like i thought i kind of liked their dynamic it was almost almost like flirty. Our kids haven't been to the Cheesecake Factory.

But then this is what I'm plagued by when I do see young girls or young boys. All I can think about, almost all I can think about is what you're saying exactly of how much they have to go through. They have to have a first crush. They have to have someone make fun of them. They have to worry about a test that means literally nothing. They have to worry about college that means literally nothing.

They have to worry about, they have to, you know, figure out what shoes go with what jeans. They have to like spin the bottle. They have to study like what they're going to do with their tongues when they make out. They have to like stay up all night thinking about that. They don't know. They have to learn every lesson. They have to study like what they're going to do with their tongues when they make out. Oh, yeah. They have to like stay up all night

thinking about that. They don't know. They have to learn every lesson. They have to learn. They have to intern somewhere and not make any money. That's life. It's life,

but it's... go through it. I don't want it. I don't want to skip it. No, life sucks. That's what we're saying. That is what I'm saying. We don't want the kid

to have to go through life. I saw a meme the other day that said, thank God uh you only live once i can't do this shit again yeah when i get jealous of the youth i always i think that's maybe a defense mechanism because i have such jealousy of young people and like wow they get to do a whole life and they get to have all the fun that I had as a kid. But then I think about all the things that they like are going to go through. I just want to say that I have a memory and this is maybe one of the reasons I don't want to have kids because my envy issues are so exhaustive and so crippling to me. I'm not joking you. And i probably referenced it on the pod before but i promise you i can now track it to the day i said it i was in bed with my mom it was after

school we were probably watching like some kind of like daytime tv show fourth or fifth grade third fourth or fifth grade i'm guessing it was third because i remember being very very young and my mom being like almost guffawing that I said this and I said to her oh yeah I've said this before I think but I think this is actually who I am I said um because she's might have said something like well when you have kids you'll do this and I go I'm never gonna have kids and she was like why and I was like because I'll be jealous of them because they're younger than me. Wow. And she said, what? And I go, you're jealous of me because I'm younger than you.

You have to be. How can you not be? I'm younger. I'm fucking tinier. I'm in third grade. I'm like, I have like third or fourth grade. I just knew being young is the best. Yeah.

How could you not know? Everything in our society is about being young is the best yeah how could you not know everything in our society is about being young and youthful and i remember and i just remember being like mom are you jealous of me and lauren and her going why and the only reason i remember this is because of her reaction being so crazy yeah and her going why would you ask something like that that's insane no i'm not and i remember being you're like but look at my abs yeah i remember being i was tiny i was little yeah i had my whole life out of me i already heard her complaining about cellulite and wrinkles and things like that like that's so i i honestly do think i don't think i would struggle with it because i think when you have a kid you're just

like this is my kid i'm not jealous of my kid. But we know that there are moms who are jealous of their kids. Yeah. And they try to dress like them and they try to hang out with their kids. If there was a way that I could absorb the youth from a child and steal it from them, I would do it. Vampire. I would take their youth. Well, vampire at least you give them eternal life.

But if I could just take the youth and then and then i have their youth and then they fade away yes i i don't i couldn't especially when i'm in my 80s or something i don't know if i could say no to that i don't eat i mean they're gonna have to be honest yeah i mean have you heard of juvederm yeah where does that come from it's like an episode of uh charmed Like there's like a demon can suck The youth out of somebody And then they turn into an old person And then you're young and you're beautiful

One time I was in a cab In Los Angeles going to the airport And the lady that was driving me was telling me That there's like an underground in Hollywood That has all of that Do you guys ever get jealous of young, like when you see young girls and kids, do you ever get jealous of all the fun they get to like have in their life

that you have already said goodbye to? I get jealous of you and your high school girlfriends and your high school experience. Cause it sounds amazing. I think that's maybe why I struggle with it is because I had so much fun in my childhood. I had a really good childhood and I think a lot of people don't have great childhoods. I had the most fun in my early 30s. So I get jealous of like early 30 year olds. Interesting. Okay. That tracks. I get jealous of Poppy. I thought I was going to get jealous of when she entered into our lives. When my sister had a little girl, I was like, oh, this is going

to test me. Like, am I going to be jealous? And I'm, I never get jealous of Poppy until I thought I was going to get jealous of when she entered into our lives. When my sister had a little girl, I was like, oh, this is going to test me. Like, am I going to be jealous? And I never get jealous of Poppy until I remember that she doesn't have to like figure out a talent yet. Like she doesn't even have to. She could still be the best at something. Like she could be Taylor Swift and she doesn't have to pick a guitar for another like. How old is she? Seven years.

She's like four. Okay. So she has to. It would be helpful if she figured it out soon. Well, we're trying to get her to pick something yeah and then force once they pick it you're like that's it you're never switching i don't care how sad you get yes that's what i would do like when you sent me that meme of the little korean child playing a perfect guitar i was like i'm jealous i want. I'm envious. Most parents just want

their kids to be happy. My parents would always say, I just want you to be happy. I don't care what you do or what your success is. Couldn't you just want me to be sad and rich? Why didn't you force me to become the best whatever? Instead, you just let me quit

piano? You let me go to school for theater? No this is what I would tell my kids and I think this is actually good parenting advice from someone who's never going to have kids and really hasn't even considered what I would do if I did so take it with a grain of

sand you tell your kids I want you to be happy but here's the thing talent is not something that is going to come out of nowhere if you want to be good at something you have to work hard and i think that obviously parents go yeah i mean me telling my kid to go to piano lessons that's me telling them to work hard we don't kids don't understand that from piano lessons they're in lies you're going to be great at this. And then you'll be happy.

It just seems, and then you'll be happy. Yes. It just seems like a chore of doing a thing I'm bad at still and just, I'm not going to get good and you just have to,

you know, practice makes perfect. I used to sing songs about practice makes perfect. You'll see. Like, there were all these songs, but it didn't get in my head.

I wish someone would have said, Nikki, you can be that on TV. You could be Kelly Kapowski, whatever I was like, you know, looking at at the time. But she is only that because she's hotter than you. No, she's only that because she worked hard. And that's the only thing you have to do.

I didn't compute the two. And I don't know how to get kids to understand what hard work is and what it can mean because they don't have, they don't understand time. No, well that's exactly right. The time thing is important too because you know how like when you wake up in the morning, like your first like 30 minutes of just

getting out of bed, time goes by like much faster. Like that first 30, like if in that first 30 minutes you decide to like work out immediately, that workout will go by so fast. It will not be challenging. That's my experience.

I guess I'm just saying everyone experiences this. You're kind of half awake. If you just do the thing that you would be dreading if it was 3 p.m., it'll just be done instantaneously. You won't even realize. That's like being a kid. You have nothing going on. Time is different for you.

If you are just put in a room and forced to practice for 10 years, that time will not matter to you at all. It'll just fly by and all of a sudden you'll be the world's greatest whatever. It's so true. That's a good point. Sometimes when I'm on the treadmill and I'm like dying and I have five minutes left, I always go, you dumb fuck. Why didn't you start five minutes earlier? Cause you'd be done right now.

Like, and then I go, wait a second. In a different realm, I am done right now. Like I am, I'm gonna do this. So just know you're done somewhere. Like if you struggle to get through workouts, just tell yourself you're done. Five o'clock somewhere. It's just, it's just not there yet.

But like, and also another thing, and I've talked about this before, if you're done. Five o'clock somewhere. It's just not there yet. But like, and also another thing, and I've talked about this before, if you're trying to start working out and you're like, you're in the first two minutes and you've like, oh my God, I have another 28 minutes of this workout. Just keep thinking you're on the last minute or like just, and just keep saying 15,

I'll quit in 15 seconds. Keep adding another 15 seconds. And then also if you're someone like me, who's like, if you're not doing it at the ultimate level, if you're not running the whole time, then fuck it, then give up. Just take it down one mile per hour. Like don't give up, just go slower and stay with it.

Because I used to give up, I've given up on so many workouts because I couldn't do them the best. But just take it down one notch and then you can get back up to that. I used to give, I've given up on so many workouts because I couldn't do them the best, but just take it down one notch and then you can get back up to that. I mean, this obviously goes, I'm not like David Goggins here. This is like not that interesting of information to give, but like, I wish I could, I wish I could have told myself these things earlier because I, it took me until this year to start

just going a little less hard on my workouts to get through them. Yeah. And these are things that you could tell a child and they would have to... Shake them. You're still learning this stuff now. As an adult, like, oh, if I just tried a little less hard, I could get through my whole workout. Yes. You're always learning stuff. This is all stuff that I would want to brain dump onto my child when they're five years old. So they have to,

I kind of want to have a kid just so I can like relay some of this shit, you know, like, and see if I could test out how to make a, I want to make a Taylor Swift. I want to like, leave us with this before we go to break, because I've been reading that four agreements book,

you know, about like, be, be whatever with your word, mindful with your word. Yeah. I'm disagreeing. No,

they're, they're legit I mean they are the way of life if you are able to agree to the four agreements and keep that agreement your life will be perfect oh yeah

I liked the thing you sent us yeah this is the thing whatever people do feel think or say now this is

don't take anything personally that's the third agreement I think don't take anything personally whatever this is the paragraph whatever people do feel think or say This is don't take anything personally. That's the third agreement. I think don't take anything personally. Whatever. This is the paragraph. Whatever people do feel, think or say, don't take it personally.

If they tell you how wonderful you are, they are not saying that because of you. You know, you are wonderful. It is not necessary to believe other people who tell you that you are wonderful. Don't take anything personally. Even if someone gets a gun and shoots you in the head, it was nothing personal, even at that extreme. I want us to ruminate on that and talk about it when we get back right after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the

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All right, we're back. Okay, a book can tell you not to take anything personal or personally. How the fuck do you put that into practice? You don't. That's why this book sucks. It tells you all these things to do. Don't ever lie. Don't be impeccable with your word.

The other ones. I forget the other ones. Just because they're pointless. The other ones are even better. Don't make assumptions. That's a big one. Don't make assumptions. It's like, yeah, if you could monitor your own life,

like, you know, 100% of the time and calculate every single thought and action that you know, 100% of the time and calculate every single thought and action that you have, then sure, maybe your life will improve incrementally. But you just can't live your life like that. Well, I have a girlfriend who, her and her boyfriend were, you know, getting into little tiffs here and there. And she goes,

hey, let's just do this experiment for the next day where we don't take anything we say personally. And I remember, and she said it worked. And I'm like, but how? How do you not take things personally? And what the book goes on to say is that when someone is saying something bad about you, and if someone says, hey, Nikki's not funny,

that's their own opinion. It has nothing to do with me. It's built upon what they think but sure but i don't understand why it won't affect me because i need public support to make money and i need a roof over my head and i need money to have the reason you are successful is because you've been taking things personally your entire life exactly but if i were to be an artist who just does every like someone like natasha leone who everyone just who admires because she's just herself cara delevingne yeah if i just was someone like that who just never takes anything like who seems to just be their own unique person

um what would i be because you know there are times where people don't like the things i do but as long as i'm confident about that thing i I don't really care what their opinion is. So I guess what the point is, is that. I have a spin on that for agreement. It's like a mantra that I live by, or try to live by. Okay. Don't give people the power to influence how you feel. Sure.

So I think that kind of goes with what you're saying, Nikki. How do you do that, though, Noah? Can you give an example, like, when you've used that, when maybe you would have been completely hijacked by an opinion someone had of you, or, like, what you could do with that? I think it, maybe for me, it's more like matching someone's energy,

and that's kind of like a codependent thing where if someone else doesn't feel good about something then i feel like i have to fix it or i have to feel bad about it so i think i struggle with that maybe um that mantra is something that i try to repeat in my head if i talk to my mom or something where it's like well i don't have to just because she's not feeling good i don't have to change anything about my lifestyle to make her feel better right that's how i applied in my in my world for me it's like if i'm around someone in a bad mood it can radically affect me and i don't think most people have that but that's where i'm like okay

this person's in a shit mood yes i do not have to be in a shit mood like let them be in it i forgot the term but there is a term for that it's it's like some kind of mirroring i forgot what it was called yeah sorry i feel the same way but that is a thing no i it's interesting because chris if he's in a bad mood about something i can't really handle it. And I need to, I take it personally, like talk about it. It will have nothing to do with me,

but because he's in a bad mood, like, you know, people in a bad mood about something, they're not going to be cheery to everyone they're around. And it has nothing to do with me, but like, he might be just not smiling as much or whatever,

or not laughing at my jokes. Cause he's just not in the mood for my jokes. And you're trying to read, you're reading into that. And I'm thinking, figuring out. He, it's, he's never not in the mood for my jokes. And you're trying to read, you're reading into that. And I'm thinking, figuring out. He's never going to come back to me. You know,

he's never going to, this is going to be forever. That's where you would apply that mantra, I think. Yeah, assumptions. That's catastrophizing. So yes,

I'm making assumptions that he's never going to get better, which, you know, is probably something from my childhood. Who the fuck knows? But then I noticed when I get into bad moods, which, you know, is probably something from my childhood. Who the fuck knows? But then I noticed when I get into bad moods, I, he is able to, he doesn't do that. And I will sometimes when I get in a bad mood, think that he's going to have the same response I do. And I go, hey, this has

nothing to do with you. I say all of these things to make him feel safe and almost giving him the things that I would want him to say to me, if were the case that I need to hear kind of when he's in those moods. But he doesn't need to hear it from me. He doesn't need to hear like, this has nothing to do with you. He's like, I know, I know. He's like, obviously. I think it's a guy girl thing sometimes because I have the same thing when Matt's in a bad mood. Sometimes I'll ask him a question. Let's say he's in physical pain and I'm like, hey, when are we going to this? And he'll be like, I don't know. And I'm like, easy. Jesus Christ.

You know, like, what is this tone? And he's like, babe, I'm stressed. And I'm like, but you're talking to me like you're pissed. He's like, I'm in pain. I'm like, well, you need to fix this because this tone is not cool. But I just have to like let him be short with me and go away. You're always short with him because you're short. I'm 5'3".

We found out that today. But nine times out of ten, he'll be like, babe, I'm sorry I was short with you earlier. I'm in a lot of pain. That really helps. Chris, the other day, not the other day, but weeks and weeks ago, it was something personal.

It was something I said that upset him and he made it clear very quickly like what it was about, which is a growth because I think usually in the past, like many people in my life or men in my life as well, will like just kind of like just get a little quiet because they're still processing it. They don't want to tell you they're mad at you yet. But he was like open to me about like this thing you said kind of upset me. And I, I think in the past I used to go like, I'm so sorry. Like, how can I fix it? Like, like damage, like just taking on all the blame, like, just let me make it right. So we were like in a good mood again. Like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I just, I did that a little bit.

I like accounted for what I did do wrong, but I also was like, I'm annoyed that you're annoyed. Actually, I'm kind of pissed off. Like I got, I was able to access the anger that I felt in that moment, which I couldn't help. I did, whether it was, it was right to feel angry about him getting upset with me. I felt it and I gave it back to him and I felt really good about it because I expected, I think I've always been scared to do that in circumstances with men because i feel like they'll go like what the fuck you're not allowed to get mad at me i'm like and then and then break up with me but instead he said um you know i'm just like really tired and i don't feel good and i was like like, yeah, like all of a sudden,

I didn't give a fuck about the thing he was upset at me about. I like apologized already. I let myself off the hook for it, even though I had previously felt so guilty. I also was like, let him off the hook for being what I thought was maybe overreacting to this thing that I didn't think deserved that. And I was like, of course,

I'll, then we got a Snickers and he was fine. Snickers? It's like the commercial. Yes, yes. But not taking things personally is a really interesting thing. But can we look at that little thing you read

closer? Imagine if that was an actual person trying to give you advice and they're like, don't take anything personally. If someone shoots you, just let it. If someone shoots you in the head. It doesn't mean let it go. It doesn't mean they shouldn't be punished for it, but you don't need to be like, I'm a bad person because I got

shot. I'm a bad person because I got molested. I'm a bad person because I got into this traffic collision. It's not about you. That person ran the stoplight. That person had road rage against you and shot you because they have issues. It's not you.

What am I supposed to do with that though? Let yourself off the hook. What if I'm not a person that would say, oh, it was my fault that that person shot me in the head? Then you don't need that advice. This is for people who take things personally and who think everything is their fault and think they can control things and other people here's an example to close the loop or go back to the infidelity cheating thing i wanted to say

this earlier i remember learning that tommy lee cheated on pamela anderson and i was in my very first relationship ever and i was like this is when she used to wear makeup. Yes. I was like, you can cheat like the hottest woman in the world at this time can get cheated on. Okay. It has nothing to do with her. This guy is just a cheater. He's a bad guy. Like she didn't do anything wrong.

I would say he's not a bad guy, but that's, I have a lot of empathy for cheaters. He, he lied to her and broke their marriage vow. Let's just say you can't argue that. They did not have an open thing. Yes. Yes.

So it had nothing to do with her. She can't take it personally. Like, all right, Tommy has this addiction or whatever the fuck or needed this thing. That's not my fault that he cheated. Yeah, I can see that. A lot of people might make it their fault and it's important to not take it personally

in that way, but I still don't find the example of getting shot in the head and then whatever the fuck, forgiving the guy for shooting you. You don't forgive. It doesn't mean about forgiveness. It just means don't think like, why was I in the wrong place at the wrong time?

What did I do to that guy that made him want to shoot me? Like, how could I have done things differently? Like, don't, yeah,

don't punish yourself on top of already what happened to you. Like, what that person did had nothing to do with you. You were just shot randomly. It's totally random.

Yeah, so the knowing that doesn't help me at all it makes me feel worse you're still dead oh so like it doesn't matter what you do someone's still gonna shoot you poor selena she's like well i think i got shot because i'm amazing and my fan club president like thought i was so amazing that she had to like take my soul yeah but they're like no you can't have that you're just random you're not that great you just got shot that you just got shot. That sucks too, yeah.

Yeah. Let Selena have it. Yeah, this guy, I don't like this guy. I'm taking it personally that he wrote this book. It's very oversimplistic. I can see why you don't like it. And impractical. I like it because it is so simplistic.

And I think you need to read the book. It's very easy to read. I've read it. Oh, you have? I own it. Oh, yes. I loaned it to you. No, there should be

like a subheading that's like obviously take all of this shit with a grain of salt no one can do this perfectly no one can do it perfectly final thought let's do top one bottom one because i had an idea for a segment today because i was doing i was traveling all day and I was at a gate for so long. I wanted to figure out top one, bottom one type of person who you're sitting at a gate with for a really long time. Like you have to sit next to this person for

a couple hours at a gate. Oh, I have a bottom one because I was at a gate too. Okay, please start with bottom. Bottom one is somebody who is coughing and just can't stop coughing. I was at the gate. Acknowledge that you're coughing a lot. Right.

No, this person was with someone else, and the person that they were with was even like, can you please just take it down a notch? Oh, they said that? No, I can tell they were thinking that. Oh, yeah. This person was performatively coughing. She was like, I need to get it out and it was i everyone in the whole terminal my mom was like are you gonna go on the plane with us now with that and not wearing a mask i i didn't even look at her i couldn't i couldn't even go look at

her but i gotta assume she wasn't wearing a mask but it didn't feel like covid coughing it was either like long covid like i've COVID, but it kind of felt like I am a sickly older person cough, even though she wasn't that old. So I wasn't really worried from a COVID standpoint or whatever, but I was just like, where's the shame?

When I sneeze, when I sneeze in public, I cover my mouth. I try to make it not very loud. This person is like, I am my mouth. I try to make it not very loud. This person is like, I am going to let everybody in this entire vicinity understand that I am going through a cough. It's almost, okay. Do it to like clear the space around them. Yeah, it's performative in that way.

This is what we're getting at. My bottom one is also performative. And this is not maybe my bottom bottom, but this is an annoying thing. A mother or a father showing their young baby through the window, the planes. And look at that plane. And look at that man with the orange. Stop being so loud. Your baby can hear you.

Babies have great hearing. You're performing as a great parent for everyone around us. We get it it you're a very involved parent you're really good at being a parent your kids are gonna be grow up to be better than other kids you definitely don't regret this choice exactly yes anya thank you it's just like listen i definitely think that is important i actually really admire when i see a parent do it today i saw a parent doing it and she was doing it at a volume that I respected. And I thought it was such a beautiful thing that, man, this woman has been traveling with

this kid all day long, and she still has the energy to be so enthusiastic and so adorable with her kid at this time of day. And I knew this woman had been through it. So I thought it was lovely that she was still like, no, how many planes are out there? And doing all that. But when it's loud, and you're trying to let us all know what a great mom you are, here's my new theory and a little thing that people aren't going to like to hear. If you're a mom or a dad and you play this, I'm not selfish card. And that's why your parent is like, I'm just like, I was tired of being selfish.

Have I said this already? You're still selfish. You're not, no one has a baby. And then suddenly it's like, I'm going to start volunteering for Greenpeace. They don't start being more selfless citizens. They're just less selfless about themselves. And now they're putting everything on a kid that looks like them.

It's still selfish. You're not, you're not selfless. and now they're putting everything on a kid that looks like them. It's still selfish. You're not selfless. Even people with narcissistic personality disorder can do that with their children. They love having kids because it's themselves. So like, I'm not giving an award to you for being like, yes, I know you're not bathing much anymore

and you don't dress well anymore and you look bedraggled all the time. I'm giving you an award for like i don't care about the way i look anymore because i'm focused on this thing it's like the thing is you and the thing didn't exist till you made it so if if you were if you there are some parents that have kids and go oh my god the world's fucked i'm gonna start like volunteering for um climate change activism and like i'm trying to save the world that I can get behind. It snapped you into being like, I need to save this planet.

Again, it's selfish because it's for your kid that looks like you. And that's why you want to save the planet. You didn't give a fuck about the planet before there was a kid on the planet that looked like you and that you made. So it's still selfish, but this is what bothers me. Walking around with a kid and showing them off or whatever is no

different than walking around with a painting that you painted. I mean, look at my painting. Don't you love my painting? Isn't it so beautiful? Yes. I also hate with kids when parents force you to become a part of the little game they're playing.

When parents are like, look at the plane! Look at the plane! And then they go like, isn't the plane nice? Like something like that. They never involve me. I would like to be involved, actually. Or when you're at a friend's house and their kids are running around and they're like, do you think you want to tell Anya what they keep with you?

It's like, oh, do I have to do this now? Blanket statement. Your kid doesn't have to say thank you to me i don't need it i don't have to hug me goodbye to me they don't need to hug me they don't need to kiss me your kid needs to have boundaries your kid can be rude if it wants i don't need to give a present to a kid and get a thank you back and if you do need to get your kid to give a thank you to me don't make them like stand in front of me and say it just like later on tell them hey you should have thanked her like don't bring me into it like i want this thing i feel like stand there and wait for your kid to be like i'm not gonna say

it and then it gets awkward because the kid now i hate your kid because he's refusing to say thank you to me for the gift i brought okay i love top one bottom one okay my bottom one okay gate okay person at the gate on you let's at least favorite person yeah speakerphone facetime please the world you're not that dumb you also aren't that poor we can all afford $20 headphones just pack them with you and if you're not gonna pack them don't do the face then you don't get to do it walk away from the gate do not my girlfriend involved that you think just broke up with a guy And I

I was like So on board for this guy And then she told me That he takes Zoom calls in public Oh my god And I said Without headphones?

It was as if She told me That he hits her I go You cannot be with this person He says the n-word She goes He just did it once

And I go Once is enough He's gonna do it again Yeah You need to leave him Right now You can't make excuses for that You cannot be with someone Who takes FaceTime calls In public Anyone And she goes, he just did it once. And I go, once is going to do it again. Yeah. You need to leave him right now. You can't make excuses for that. You cannot be with someone who takes FaceTime calls in public.

Anyone. This is, and what is the protocol to stop this? Because we need, I think in an airport, I feel safe that no one's going to pull a gun on me because they've gone through screening. So I do feel safe in an airport. I would love for someone to be talking on the speakerphone at an airport it within vicinity of me as long as they're a white person because you would slam because i would slam them if they're if they are um a person of a different race i'm not going to say anything yeah because i always think about you i'm not gonna do it how can i be nikki what would nikki

do i know exactly what you do i would like to do it to someone of a different race but I feel like they would say I'm you're just doing this because I'm black yeah and then I would say to them no I'm doing this because I'm the reason I wouldn't do it is because you're black yeah that would be racist but I but I do but I definitely wouldn't do it to a black person no but I like a white person I'm dying for you to be on your speakerphone in front of me I'm dying for it about a child or someone, like this just happened, flight just the other day,

a guy listening to the football game loudly as we're deplaning. So we are deplaning. So we're all going to say goodbye to each other soon. But we're- Oh, perfect time. Because you're on your way out. You don't have to be around him.

What would you do? If you're trapped in there, you're still on the tarmac, you're still taxiing. Is that necessary? I mean- That's what I'd say. to be around him. What would you do if you're trapped in there, you're still on the tarmac, you're still taxiing? Is that necessary? I mean, that's what I'd say.

I go, is that necessary? And then I just look at him and then wait. And then he'd go, what? It's a big game. It's a big game. I mean,

for me, that would be a moment of bonding for me. I think I'd be like, what's the score with that? But if it was something else, like if they were, if they're listening to

a TED talk. And someone's going to say, Nikki, didn't sing taylor swift songs on a plane with a bunch of people yes i did because the the flight attendant started it oh it was ancient and it was it was a group of us and it was obnoxious and i'll own up to that but i would never do something as a single person to be like everyone has to listen to this that is a personality disorder and there needs to be a protocol for it i think maybe the thing to do is to turn up your phone all the way

and listen to something. I was going to do that. I think that's the thing to do. It was too passive aggressive. No, no. I almost did it. You're sticking to their level. No, because it's obviously

calling it out and everyone around would know the joke, what you're doing. I would love to see that in practice to see how it turns out. And I would do

the hamster dance song. Do you remember the hamster dance song? Dee-da-dee-da-dee-do-do dance song. Do you remember the hamster dance song? So if someone, you lived in New York for a long time. And when someone's on the subway and they were just listening to music. You can't do it on the subway.

You're going to get shanked. Yeah. You'll get shanked. So like doing the same. So you're saying you'd engage in a battle. And it's really a white person on the subway. What did I say? you can't figure it out I'm just saying

it isn't you're trapped in a tube for a while so let's say you're in the subway yeah tops let's say you're in the subway in Ireland

yeah okay and someone's playing music on their cell phone no I wouldn't do it in another country because I don't want to be an American that's like

I would say I have something to to yell at you a boot okay and I would pretend to be an American that's like, I would say, I have something to yell at you about. And I would pretend to be Canadian. Okay, top traveling person on the beat. Just happened yesterday. Okay, we were merging into the boardie line. And I felt this guy trying to edge in front of me.

I'm like, God damn it. I was definitely here first. And then I just go, who gives a shit on you? Doesn't matter. And I looked at him and he goes, after you. I like that guy. I like a guy that's going to say after you. I like that too.

Yeah. Ironically, I did get stopped and the weirdest thing happened. They were like, your seat is broken, ma'am. I'm like, my seat is broken? And they go, yeah, it was on the way to Vegas, Nikki, to see you. Vegas? I go, Vegas. Yeah. And the guy to Vegas, Nikki, to see you. Vegas? I go, Vegas. And the guy also, the ticket agent goes, you're not checked in. I go,

I am checked in. This is my boarding pass on my phone. You can't get this unless you check in. I am checked in. It was the second leg of a journey to it. He goes, you're not checked in. You didn't check in. You need to check in. I go, okay, I don't know what to tell you. This is my boarding pass. I did check in 24 hours ago. And he goes, well, your seat's broken. I have to give you a new boarding pass. And it took forever. And the guy behind me, I looked at know what to tell you. This is my boarding pass. I did check in 24 hours ago. And he goes, well, your seat's broken.

I have to give you a new boarding pass. And it took forever. And the guy behind me, I looked at him. I go, are you regretting your decision? Because he left. He let me go first. And he's like, no, no, no. Don't even worry.

He goes, take your time. He was so nice. My favorite one very quickly is someone when you are looking to charge your phone at the gate and someone goes, that one's not working. This one over here. Just a helpful. Tell me where the charger is.

Don't watch me struggle. Offer up yours and like an area for yours. And, um, and someone that doesn't like scoff at me when I leave all my bags by myself and they don't go like, what is she going to do? What's going on?

Like, just calm down. I do this all the time. We're going to do? What's going on? Just calm down. I do this all the time. We're going to be fine. Yeah. Yeah. My top one is, I think you're going to really like this one. I think you're going to change yours when you hear mine. Really? Okay. Yeah. My top one is when I'm with somebody and I'm talking to them and I feel like I'm being particularly entertaining. And then there's someone else who is hearing what I'm saying and enjoying and laughing a little bit

at me being funny with like Allie or something. Yes, that's really nice. I get that with drivers sometimes when I get the driver to laugh. I feel really good because he's not supposed to be listening, but he gets, he knows. And then sometimes they can't help themselves and they laugh out loud. They're like, oh no, now they know that I was listening this whole time and enjoying that.

Yes. Oh, I like that. I do like a making strangers laugh sometimes like and that goes into kind of almost like putting yourself on speakerphone like you're kind of performing in a way like oh shit i think you just got busted yeah i'm talking to my wife but you're talking loud enough that someone could hear i'm just telling my wife look at the plane you know look at the plane. You know, look at the plane outside. How many planes are there? All right, Noah, what's your top one? Okay, well, I don't think I said my bottom. My bottom one is anyone who's grooming themselves,

like clipping their nails. Oh, get the fuck out of here with that shit. What if they're like eating their hangnail, which is what I did today? That's different. Like once I started hearing the click of the nail cutter, you're dead to me I have done it before

but I put a sweatshirt over my hand to do it and you can I muffle it and so it can't spring anywhere I'd rather you do that

then than on the plane okay oh I'm deeply ashamed okay and then my top is anyone with an animal please come stay next to me

so I can look at what's inside your animal carrier. I need that to lower my blood pressure. You are welcome here. That's a good one. That's a really good one. All right.

That was fun. Great to see you, Brian. I love all of our top ones. Yeah, that was sweet. That was a good one. We all just want togetherness and connection and humanness. Yeah, we just want people to be nice and kind and gentle. Yeah.

Let's look out for each other more. Yeah. Let's do that. All right. And if you get shot in the head, don't take it personally. Recover first. Why are you knocking on wood? I didn't say you.

That's my superstition. I don't know. I just. Just anything? Just my safety. Okay. All right. Well, thank you so much for being here, Brian.

Come see us on tour. Don't be cuh. And just don't take it personally. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

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