The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #384 New Flirting Techniques, FBoy Island Press & FANTHRAX!

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

Everyone made the effort to put their shades on and let their guard down. Nikki's getting set to do a bunch of press hits for the premiere of FBoy Island (10/16). Brian searches Brainy Quotes to find what Nikki has said in her career as a public person. Anya's been saving some quotes that sound more like Nikki. Nikki is back to 'gooning' and finding new ways to flirt with her boyfriend. Anya recommends BECKHAM, and Nikki is reminded of Rob McElhenny's genius and a scene she loves from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In Fanthrax, Nikki gets a hack for her pits, and they give advice to a lovelorn 27-year-old. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast    Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling

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I'm in St. Louis. Welcome to a very special episode of the Nikki Glaser podcast. It's an all sunglasses episode. Hell yeah. Everyone's wearing sunglasses. We are cool as shit. Yeah, it started slow. This wasn't planned.

The podcast is delayed today because Noah and Brian both went out to their car to get the sunglasses to fit the theme that we came up with. Dedication. It's almost like Halloween, you know, or it's Halloween's coming up soon. Now we're all in costume. It does feel like there's a different vibe. dedication it's almost like halloween you know it's halloween's coming up soon yeah yeah it it does feel like there's a different vibe and with sunglasses on i feel so protected i feel so cool i feel cool like almost to the level of smoking a cigarette cool because of how how much it elevates your coolness instantly just visually so i feel cool and i also feel like protected and people like don't want to bother me so I feel like a little bit introverted like I can exist

it feels good but it's weird to do when you're broadcasting well it's Jenny McCarthy does it because she just doesn't want people to look at her aging eyes and it's brilliant because that's the first thing that goes it's so smart she looks cool

you look like John Mulaney on Seth Meyers during that interview where he wears sunglasses and you're like, uh-oh, something's going on. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah, possibly hiding is, yeah, you look like you might be hiding a problem that you're dealing with.

Yeah. Because the eyes tell all, you know? They really do. But I was doing a bit, I'm doing a bit about that. Like, older women, I used to think that things about that. Older women, I used to think that things that are stylish for older women, I used to think are just like, those older women are just stylish, but it's really they're just doing things to conceal their age.

I thought turtlenecks meant that you read a lot of books. You were just like, Diane Keaton just looks smart because she wears turtlenecks, but she's smart because she's covering up her neck, which is the part that people don't want to see anymore. Nothing hides your age more than a coffin. I love that we're taking it back, though.

Mom jeans were definitely started to hide the mom belly a little. And now the youth is appropriating, which I love. On the plane yesterday, I saw she was like, I don't know, 17 years old wearing, or let's say 18 years old wearing mom jeans. Like it's really young. But what is a mom jean anymore? Because I just was doing some denim shopping. I bought like so many jeans that are coming my way. And I just went crazy.

Anya and I were just talking before the podcast about how we are shopping to make ourselves happier. It's working. Yeah, I woke up today. I was like, today's a day I need to buy a ton of shit that I'll regret, but it's going to fill the deep void inside me in a big way.

It reminds me of the Amy Schumer sketch called New Body. And she goes to shop and Jessie Klein is working at this really high-end boutique. And she's like, let's buy some clothes for your new body. And she's like, I think my new body is going to be a size two.

And she's like, oh my God, that sounds amazing. I can't wait to see your new body. And so Amy like puts on a pair of jeans and it's just on her. Like she can only fit like up to her ankle, like into these jeans. And she's in Jesse Klein is like, they're amazing. It's so funny.

But that's how I've been shopping. I've been like working out more. So I'm like, oh my God, I've got to buy some clothes for my new body. It's like vacation self. I'm always like, I'm going to read these four books on this week-long vacation, and I don't crack one of them. I brought two with me this weekend on the road. Two books.

Ambitious. I never even crack one. And if I do, it's on my phone. But two hard shell books. You bring one and you think, well, I'm probably going to finish this one. Then I want to be stuck without a book. So you bring the second one. Is that what your plan was?

I don't. It was just like I wanted variety. It's like when I overpack clothes. then i want to be stuck without a book so you bring the second one is that what your plan was i don't it was just like i wanted variety it's like when i overpacked clothes like i want to decide and you know what i took a picture of because i wanted to promote gary goldman's book called uh what's it called um it's so good um obviously it's not because it's not catchy enough for me misfit but i i like i like the title of it because the eye is kind of slightly askew. It doesn't fit in with the rest of the letters. I thought that's very clever. Anyway, it's really good, but I'm reading that

and I wanted to promote it. And then I also had the fucking four plans. The four agreements. Yes, the four agreements. I'm crawling through that because I really wanted to absorb in my soul. I'm trying to read it very slowly. If I miss a sentence,

if I'm daydreaming, I got to go back. I'm trying to read very slowly if i miss a sentence i like if i'm daydreaming i gotta go back like i'm trying to like gary's i could daydream through even though you actually can't because it is so like he's such a good writer i have to like constantly look up words which i kind of love because i'm like i should know this word he's an intelligent person and the way he just paints a picture with the way he talks and writes he's just so good and it's also cool like i was writing to him saying it's so fun like i i get to spend this like very intimate weekend with my friend and like get to know my friend on a level that like i would never or you know it might take many dinners because it's like books

are more like honest yeah sometimes then because yeah then with your actual friends so it's really nice to have his like just my just listening to my friend's life story is like awesome but then i paired it with the the four agreements and i feel like gary is kind of about that life and so it's like injecting that in a uh non-fiction i mean both are non-fiction but it's just they but anyway i posted a picture of gary's book and then i was like oh these pair well together and i was like like almost like a wine with something i'm like oh they actually do so I not only did I bring two books ambitiously

I read both of them extensively and I went back and forth like it was like a whole I think I came up with a new thing that works for me yeah is to bring variety

sure and then go back and forth because then I'm not stuck and you read the books I read both the books and made hard dents in both of them that's impressive

bitch you are killing it I feel alive you impressive. Bitch, you are killing it. I feel alive. You are your dream self. You are your future body. That's so true. I almost bought a shirt today that said weird on it.

Like a tank top. It just says weird, but it was like kind of cool font. Yeah. And I felt like it's kind of keh. Because saying like, I am weird is like keh. But I kind of like it because weird is my biggest fear. Like, I don't like being weird. Obviously, I'm always like,

why am I not like other people? Like, that's my baseline shame. But like, I feel like wearing a shirt that says it would be like owning it, kind of. Weird has been co-opted by people who are not fun. Like, people say like,

oh, keep Portland weird. And all it means is that you wear like sandals with socks. Can I change? Can I take back the word weird? Because you're right. Weird is just quirky or autistic. But I like

autistic is kind of what I mean by that. I think autistic people are weird. And don't quote me on that. I mean that in the best way. It just says all of your most famous quotes and even me

if you search for me there's like some stupid quote but that could be a great one to have on there oh really oh my god please don't add that to it let me see

Brian I've never checked that is that like it's wiki feet for dumb shit you said no it's not dumb shit it's like a rating site that people

it's basically like an AI aggregator has found quotes that you made probably in articles oh fuck and it says like what let ai aggregator has found quotes that you made probably in articles and it says like what let's see if i what happens when you search nikki i'm very scared of this i actually am very uncomfortable but i'm allowing it to happen because it's good radio the glazer comedy writer was interesting weren't you like joking about pylons you're like give me

a break if pylons were in my future, I would be a swerving garbage man. Wait, what are you talking about? I don't follow this at all. Ever when Brian was like, write a joke in the style of music. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay, yes. No, he was talking about...

Cones. Road cones. Yeah, traffic cones. The Kardashians are like traffic cones. They're orange, they're in the way, and I can't get to work on time. And it was like, ah, it's almost there. It was so close.

You go, oh, okay. It might take my job. And then the last one, you just go, no, you lost it. So these are Nikki Glaser quotes from Brainy Quote, which these are things that you have said at some point, most likely in an article, but some of them- Littered with likes and ums. they might be also from your stand up. So it's hard to say. Okay.

I probably won't be able to say. So some of them are like, some of them are very innocuous. Like, I like putting myself in uncomfortable situations. Nikki Glaser. So you've probably said that. Okay. Or I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind. Nikki Glaser.

Do you remember saying that? That's great. Yeah, that's submitted for my gravestone, actually. I don't know how they got that. Because those are the words I want to be left on this earth having said. I like men who smile and have kind eyes. What is it again? Say it again.

Nikki's epitaph. What a worthless thing. I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind eyes. What is it again? Say it again. What a worthless thing. I like guys with a sense of humor who are smile a lot and are kind. Who are smile a lot? Chad,

GBT got in there. I bet I did say that. I bet I was like, I like guys with a sense of humor who are smile a lot. You know, like I probably said it like that

and it's misquoted and now I sound like an idiot, but I stand by that. I think guys need to smile more and I think that's a good, that's a good piece of wisdom for the that. I think guys need to smile more. And I think that's a good, that's a little good piece of wisdom for the incel community. To learn how to find a woman.

Just smile more, guys. Oh, they put, there's actually a whole image with this one. Like it's a meme. There's actually, this is a Nikki Glaser quote. There's actually a thing

called WikiFeet. That's actually a thing called wiki feet that's the Wikipedia of celebrity girls feet so how profound now also I feel like you just said that five seconds ago I did and I don't talk about wiki feet that much I don't think I do it's being updated now but I like that please

update it because all I was doing in that is giving information that is already I didn't that literally says nothing. It's probably from when we were talking about it on this show. But I have no editorialization of it. There's no opinion about it. It's just stating that it exists. Google.com is a search engine.

I have written so many jokes and that is what they put is me just explaining the existence of wiki feed okay yes that's what's on here well you have like hundreds of quotes here's another one are you picking purposefully no no that one had a whole image associated with the only one that's been highlighted with like a meme like image you have to think that a bot made that because who would think that's profound enough for like a faded image of me. Like a mimeograph of me. No. Okay, go on. What's the next one?

The more you work in this business as a comedian, the closer you get to just being yourself on stage, on camera, the more well-received you are. What? Oh my God. Not to interrupt at all, but I'm interrupting.

I found a file on my phone called Nikki isms. So this is the next best thing. Yeah. Can we add these to that? Because these are funnier. I'll read you my top five. Wait, can I just say,

Brian, those are bots, right? These are things you have said and the bots have clipped them. I get it. But like, why is there no correction of my grammar? I got one more.

Okay. One more. And then we have to get to real with this. This is one of your top quotes. I think this, this why is there no correction of my grammar? I got one more. Okay, one more, and then we have to get to real with that. This is one of your top quotes. I think this says more about you than any quote I've ever read. This is why we won't be replaced by bots. Okay, one. Rob Thomas loves nothing more than for couples to go on dates. And he loves chocolates.

Boxes of 20 chocolates nikki glazer okay i did say that okay you want to know why i said that because we had a segment on some show i did i think it was nikki and sarah live where valentine's day rob thomas's birthday is february 14th so we were like that's why it got that name and we were like because some things that's why we celebrate rob thomas's birthday and by giving chocolates because he loves chocolates like we that's from a bit i didn't write that bit i probably said those words on tv but again take it out of context um but yeah we i think we tried to get a movement of saying um happy rob thomas's birthday and so if like you don't have a partner don't look at it like valentine's

day just be like happy rob thomas's birthday yes yes so that's where it comes okay what's the real nicky isms okay non-secret or nicky ism i hate julia fox's stomach so much oh no oh no i i love that one because it's so relatable oh we don't know about that one let me say i was in a dark place when i say that because i'm kind of obsessed with her now because i did just read a new yorker i think it's the new yorker did a piece on her and she just wrote a book and i can't wait to read it and i think she is so fascinating and talk about someone who's weird and just like owns it i am obsessed with her and i take back that quote i like love her stomach because i think one day i was just like triggered by it because it was too thin and i was just like god i want my stomach to look like that so I think that's why I said that

but like honestly I think she's awesome like have you read any of the stuff that I'm so intrigued by her and um and I would like to be friends with her I think so I feel bad about saying that but it was really turned around she was her whole image yeah this was this was ages ago during like what she was doing was trying to fuck. She doesn't. She did the same thing that Sinead O'Connor did, which was like, if you're going to sexualize me, I'm going to like repulse you. Like, you don't like that I'm getting too thin. So I'm going to get really thin because you hate it.

Now I'm going to get really fat because you just seem to hate it. Like she wanted to reject what people wanted from her. If a guy was turned on by something, she would do the opposite. And that's what led her to like lose a bunch of weight i read this whole thing so now love love love her oh we're standing yeah so what's my next one uh you wrote me this one time when i said how are you you texted me i'm at a cemetery trying to cry. When was that? I wonder.

That's my favorite. I think I have a screenshot of it. It's so good. Okay. Let me predict what the day was. Okay. You were in New Orleans or something. No, I was totally in the Cayman Islands.

I think I went there a lot. I was trying to release emotions and I would go on these runs and I would go to these really cool cemeteries and I would sit there and look at look at the sunset and try to be like come on cry bitch and I couldn't get there damn um it's so good to cry man it just oh my god here's what ails you for about a couple hours and it comes yeah I'm not comfortable during it uh it's like it does feel good at the end of it but during it I never really feel like I'm like you know I'm just leaning into this and it feels I feel comfortable crying I guess is the point

I can do it but the whole time I'm like this is a nuisance to my life and I know this is gonna feel stupid it's like an orgasm

you just are like that was embarrassing like the faces I just made the sounds I just made but you're like I feel better but like

I don't want a record of that even when you're not a record of that, even when you're not in public, if you're just crying in your room alone into a pillow, that then that starts to get me. And I've talked about this before. I just start to feel like, Oh, are you sad?

Oh, is someone so sad for themselves and being a little, are you filming a scene on Dawson's queen? Did Dawson just break up? I always feel like I'm just, it feels performative. Yeah.

It's so strange. Wow. I have this guilt around it, even though I obviously know that it's not. But I'm not, I cannot cry alone. I just have no interest

in crying alone. I can relate. I only cry when someone asks me about my life and I'm so worked up about it, I can't stop, but like cry. Like even though- Then my therapist is always like, what's coming up for you? And I'm so worked up about it I can't stop but like cry Then my therapist is always like

What's coming up for you? And I'm like just let it Don't call it out I'm freaking like Just let me do it They run for the tissue box And I'm like no just like let me cry Don't worry about sopping it up right now

You know what I mean? It's like when you gotta sneeze You can't focus on it You just gotta let it go Or else as soon as you try to want to sneeze It stops Yes you can't chase it No you can't focus on it. You've just got to let it go or else as soon as you try to want to sneeze, it stops. Yes.

You can't chase it. No, you can't chase the cry. Yeah. I've been trying my goonin' trick again. Oh. Where you smile so you don't cum. Because I've been like, I just got back into masturbating after like months.

So creepy. No, it's so creepy, dude. Wait, alone or with someone? Yeah. That's weird that I'm not embarrassed to cry, but easily I can go from being really turned on watching a porn video to just smiling. I'm in a picture for

my third grade class picture. Just make your face smile. Almost just tighten your jaw to a smile and then it'll stop whatever sexiness is going on for a second. It'll halt it. Oh yeah. Comedy is the anti-sex for sure. Yeah.

Because I can't. If you're having sex with somebody and you start laughing or something's funny, it's like game over. That's so true. It just changes the mood. You can giggle and stuff and you can flirt and stuff like that. Like that's my new thing with Chris is that I started just flirting with him. So I'll like throw a pillow on him and he's like, what are you doing?

And I'm just like flirting. And like I just, it's so fun to do because i'll just like annoy him and i'm like i'm just trying to flirt with you like i'm trying to connect but it'll be very annoying you have to spell it out yeah i'm like i'm just but it makes it funny or that it for whatever reason it allows us to flirt actually by saying like i'm flirting right now because i'm like not i'm too awkward at doing something that's like that i just want to say what i'm doing yes i remember when i got home from europe i hadn't seen matt for like three weeks because he was on tour then i was on tour oh it's so awkward and new we sucked for the like literally three days of being home we just kept

going you're being weird oh my god you were flirting it was like borderline fight but like kind of flirty and i'm like okay we just have to stop this now like what what are we doing we just have to have sex is what we have to do we have to have sex and just break this weird tension it's like dogs sniffing each other's buttholes like yeah are you the dog i've seen from around yes i don't i i i don't have that with chris anymore because i'm gone it's we it happens so much but we used to have that lag of time because it would if we don't do it enough but now that we do it all the time it's like it's it's exciting though it's it's nice to always kind of be you get to see someone very frequently

but you're also missing them a lot like it is really good for a relationship i think are you feeling that now times of missing um yeah i i miss him right away when i like leave and i'm like man it'd be fun to be on this plane with him because i just flew with him recently or whatever and so i'll be like oh it's it was better with him and like shoot him a text but then i am i end up embracing being alone too like that's when i'm asked i'm not masturbating if he's around so i treat myself to that. I'm gooning. I'm smiling the whole time so no one knows. Have you ever seen Nikki smiling in an airport? Under a blanket. Don't lean in for a

selfie. One last quote before we go to break. Great quote to end it. I can't wait to learn from this wisdom that I've bestowed upon people. I never feel guilty or anything after a podcast. I feel better. Nikki Glaser.

Oh, okay. No, that's not. That never is not the truth. There's been many times where I feel guilty because it wasn't good, but I think what I was saying in that podcast was that I never feel guilty about something I've said. That's also not true, but I don't panic. I just take care of it and say like hey can you take that

thing out or I let it sit until I like I go you know what if this is a problem enough of that you should feel guilty about it you should remember it later you know like if you forget right then it's probably not that big of a deal right so they take out and sometimes instantly it's like easy to make that call but i'm like but if it really weighs on my conscience i always struggle with that word i always want to say conscious um if it's weighing on it then i think it'll naturally like i'll remember it do you think that's a good system or do you think you should the opposite is true of jokes like if i remember if i if i don't want to write down a joke and I'm like, if it's really funny, I'll remember it.

And then it's like, oh, fuck, that was funny and I forgot it. Yeah. That's where I kind of, that's why I asked if you think that works because I think maybe

it does the same thing as the joke thing where you will, unless you write it down, you will forget it. Oh my God. Forever. Yes.

Unless it's negative and traumatic. I have to just let it go. My memory does not yeah that's so true it's like this isn't important oh someone hates you remember that forever no it's easy to remember what berries to eat and what ones taste good that's not like a thick like that's why our evolution remembers things that are harmful it's like gotta remember not to get diarrhea from eating that berry so like remember bad stuff really got me but good berries like

yeah they can kind of, like if you don't remember it, then it's probably safe or whatever. Or you haven't gotten, you know, diarrhea until you died from it yet.

All right, let's go take a break and we'll be back with more after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges

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and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the crossing the street sorry i didn't see him there if you feel different you drive different don't drive high it's dangerous and illegal everywhere a message from nitza and the ad council all right we're back um i'm going to new york today in like an hour I think my less than an hour my car is coming to do a fuck ton of press

I'm gearing up for FBoy Island it's coming out October 16th Monday on the CW and so the

the hard the hardest thing about making a show is I think the press or like the the least fun part is it part of your contract actually it's fun do you have to do it or you choose to do it no no i choose to do it i mean i think it is

part of your contract that you'll do something but i do everything because i want i just want the show isn't if it were my show i could pick and choose and it is my show i'm an ep on it but um i really want it to succeed. Yeah. And so I can't turn down something thinking, oh, that could have been one house with a Nielsen box listening to that dumb show I did. Like that would kill me

that we don't get the rating that we deserve because ratings are so stupid. So you just got to cast a wide net and get the word out as much as you can. I'm going to be exhausted. What are the questions you wish people would ask you? I'm just projecting that you're dreading this because the questions are probably all the same.

I think I, no, I honestly don't. I did some prep calls today because I'm doing Sherri Shepherd's show tomorrow. Oh, I love her. Sherri Shepherd's show tomorrow. When this airs, it will have happened already, but it's available online. Oh, yeah, sorry. It already happened, guys. It was yesterday's, but it's online.

And that was a really fun one because- How did you feel about it yesterday? I think it went so great. Sherry's so fun. You knew her from the past, right? I looked great. Did you work with her? Yeah, I met her on-

She was on You Up, the radio show. To Tell the Truth? Yeah, she was on You Up. But she was also on To Tell the Truth, and that's where I got to know her. And she just confided in me right away about some personal shit. And I don't even really remember what it was about, yes but she was also want to tell the truth and that's where i got to know her and she like she just like confided in me right away about some like personal shit and i don't even really remember what it was about but i remember thinking because i it's not my secret like it felt like she was

like confiding me i'm glad i forgot it because i probably shouldn't have known it and she was probably just going through something and like sharing oversharing that's how like much i wasn't like yes i have this information but i remember her sharing something with me that I was like, wow, she really trusts me. And she should because my memory shit. No, but I was like, oh, that's really nice. And so I'm looking forward to seeing her again. And I am a

huge fan of hers from 30 Rock. She played Tracy Morgan's wife and she, it's one of the best character actor, like funny characters ever. She's so good in it. I love that they were always fucking in the show. They were always like about to.

Seductive and cool. She's just cool. I love her. So I'm excited to do that show. And it'll be easy. And then, so yeah, I had a call with the producer. And she just sent me ahead of time a bunch of questions. and then i just like filled them out like on my laptop this morning getting starbucks and then i sent them to her and she looked through them and was like oh my god

this is great thank you so much i pretty much just did a transcript of like the jokes i would say and like the stories i would tell so really i that's what i would want from producers if there are any producers listening that are producing a segment for me soon? First of all, thank you for listening to this podcast because that means you're doing research and you're going the extra mile, which is anal. Did we cover that yesterday? Nikki loves. It's on that website where I was reading from.

Oh yeah, that's right. But so yeah, I just what you should do is you should send me questions that you think I would want to talk about and then I'll go through them and go, yeah, no, yeah, no, whatever. A good comic will generally just work in their jokes.

But give me something to start with. I like when they do that. So that was very nice. And then I'm doing the Today Show. I had a great call with that guy. He did a ton of research. We just talked on the phone and did an interview. He didn't send me questions.

And that went great. I'm doing the Today Show on Thursday. And then I just got booked on the kelly clarkson show for wednesday next wednesday no it's this wednesday no i thought it was next wednesday i told it what you was next wednesday but it's today it already happened today sorry guys it's online people should look for i also killed it on there she's in new york today show because by the time this podcast is out, you would have already appeared that morning. No, today's show, it's tomorrow morning. It's Thursday morning. Yeah, but by the time people listen to this,

it'll probably have aired. Oh, yeah. You guys have missed everything I did by the time this came out. We really blew it. And you know what? A lot of these shows that didn't get booked until the last second,

I'm going to manifest that I'm doing Fallon on Friday that just came up I'm going to manifest that alright I just think I'm in town I'm free that night putting it out there

Jimmy I know he's a bestie love attraction he's a bestie stranger things have happened but yeah actually I would not don't

please don't book me on that I need a night off I really do because I would do it that's the thing I will that. I need a night off. I really do. Because I would do it. That's the thing. I will say yes to everything. And so I'm doing a bunch of podcasts. You will reverse psychology it.

Just by saying, please don't. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Who knows what I really want? So then do it. Whatever happens, happens. I will say yes to whatever. Get on Fallon.

It'll be good. Yeah, Fallon's going to go great. And you guys can catch that one tomorrow, Friday, if this manifestation works. I'm manifesting you guys sing something together because you're both so musical I'm a little stressed out

by that because I have to write it they write well great over there but I would feel like oh I want to collab with and I just don't have time I'm stressed out

by this segment already I can't do it I can't prepare in time okay and then They want Taylor and you To do something Next week we're gonna have One episode

We should let Besties know That's true Because Nikki's One episode next week And you're doing more press I think Yeah in LA Yes

And I'm gonna be on the talk In LA You can get that one That's next week in LA And then there's The KTLA Some other show I'm going to

yeah on KTLA and I'm doing a bunch of podcasts I'm going to be on Burt Kreischer's Wife's Podcast I'm going to be on Girl Guys We Fucked

KFC Radio and then like a bunch of others that I can't remember the names of right now Nick Viles Podcast we're going to talk about The Golden Bachelor oh my god

I gotta catch up and you have to catch up on beckham it's so good oh yeah i want to watch that you love it i've done a total 180 i was bashing it and i was only 20 minutes in and now i'm so deep i'm i think i am gonna start watching soccer they're just so good the the be Beckhams are so funny and watchable and sweet and cute and he's such a good person and there's a lot to learn for anybody who wants to be excellent in any like you love the Michael Jordan documentary. I love

excellence and I love watching sports documentaries because of that excellence. So I'm going to love this. I'm going to watch it by myself. I think I can't wait for Chris because I think this is something I want to watch ASAP. But Chris probably will be like, oh, it's done in the Errol Morris style of sports docs.

Because Fisher Stevens from Succession directs it. And it's so good. I love him. Oh my God. The people are watching clips of themselves. But it's like the camera is in the thing that they're watching.

And it's so moving. So it's like i'm taking my sunglasses off beckham's watching himself do something so important from his youth that was like a pivotal traumatic moment and they catch like the tears welling up oh my god that's like when my quotes were read to me just now that's exactly how that felt i was watching tape we all my greatest moments on the almost had that on the video. Except we're wearing sunglasses. That was the top 10. Oh yeah, you could have seen the tears in my eyes. But you guys know

I don't do that. Did you watch Welcome to Rexham? The Ryan Reynolds and well, it's like a similar what you were just describing. They do that similarly where it's like it's about soccer too. It's about the soccer team that they bought. I'd be into that.

Ryan Reynolds is too charming. I just start to get jealous that he exists. He's so handsome and funny. I should maybe just have a little crush just watching that because I like both those. They're just so funny. But they're also like, I just don't know if it's for me.

They're just too, there's something that I can't watch because I'm so jealous does that make sense of like I'm jealous of their lives although I will say I like that you're envious of two dudes Rob McElhaney McElhaney thank you

oh fuck that is so embarrassing I love him so much but I've never said his name out loud I don't think ever but that doesn't mean I I don't even say it in my head when I'm reading his name I've never said his name out loud I don't think ever but that doesn't mean I just call him Rob I don't even say it in my head when I'm reading his name

on a thing I just skip his last name I don't either I skip it Rob if you ever see this I'm so embarrassed because I am

I mean Always Sunny is one of the funniest shows that has ever been without question I hope it makes it to the longest of all time oh it's

it's oh yeah it could, right? It's just a beat out of The Simpsons. Well, that would include animation. Is it Bonanza? I thought it was MASH or something. Let me look it up.

Oh, okay, that makes sense. Yeah, please. It's so good, man. I discovered Always Sunny. I'll never forget. It was like, there's certain things where you discover them and you were like,

oh my God, this is going to be my thing. I've had that in my life with Conan, with Seinfeld, with Friends, with Jennifer Aniston, with Dave Matthews Band, with Taylor Swift, with Wilco, and with Always Sunny. I will add Veep to that. I will add Succession. They become my thing. But Always Sunny is so tried and true. it's one of my favorite things that's ever been but anyway i only say this all and the reason that it's so weird that i forgot how to say his last name and i wouldn't even try to say it now because it's i'm scared but i love him so much um but he reached out to me uh his his compliment he tweeted at me when i did the roast of alec baldwin it like it had come out

but it like months later it like went a little like someone it had like a moment and he saw it and tweeted how brilliant it was and that tweet meant as much to me as like when taylor swift wrote to me i only read it once i couldn't look at it again i was like you know like breathless that's someone i admire so much who invented my favorite show, like something I did and called me like, it said brilliant or it said genius or something like, I don't remember it exactly. And maybe I'm completely wrong, but it said something very, very nice

that I couldn't even handle. So anyway, someone wrote me and said, can I give Rob your number? And I'm like, yes. He wants to talk to you about something. I'm like, fuck yeah. Can you imagine? No. I was like, oh my gosh, yes. And this is recent. So the tweet thing'm like can you imagine no i was like oh my gosh

yes and this is recent so the tweet thing was in like 2018 19 something like that and then nothing and then this was a couple like a month less than a month ago and i'm so i'm like yes please and i'm like awaiting like what is he gonna ask me and he asked me if he could give my number to his friend because they wanted to book me he wanted to book me at his country club which is great now no i loved it and but what but he said other stuff in the message that was really nice and like congratulating me on my career and then also saying like how he admires like sobriety talks that i say and stuff so it was just like really a nice message through and through and was i wasn't able to do the gig but i would have done that gladly i mean it's actually was an incredible opportunity but it was just so um nice and i just

love him so much so uh i forget what we were talking about always sunny why we got on this subject refuse to watch this show with ryan reynolds yeah back to that um so also rob if you're still listening i won't watch your show now because i'm so jealous of how brilliant you are and now you're friends with ryan reynolds it's too much um and i can't and you like i am jealous because i wish i could invest in things that cool like it like makes i'm financially very like insecure about what i do with my money and how i best do it and it's a dumb insecurity because i don't like educate myself to do better at it,

but I'm always constantly ashamed that I could, I could be doing cool things. And I think investing in a soccer team and having it pay off so much really irritates me. I'm jealous. So I don't want to watch it, even though I can learn from it. Like that's why I couldn't watch the Beckham thing.

I was having a weekend where I was feeling like really fat and like just out of control in my body. And I was like, I don't want to watch Victoria Beckham be tiny. I just like can't take it as much as this interests me. But today I'm having a good body day. I just, my new body's on its way. I just got shipping confirmation. So I'm ready to let her body into my life.

Otherwise I like, I just know what's gonna make me not feel good and like compare and despair and sometimes i have to avoid it so rob that's why here's what's gonna sell it for you she is the honest one in the really well no no they both call each other on their shit and you like that about seeing that clip we've all seen the clip yeah there's another part too where she's very open about stuff that he's not as open about. And she just like kind of roasts him

and it's fun. And you'll appreciate his excellence, his dedication, his determination and how he got so good because you're fascinated by that. I heard there's a whole story about how they used to spit on him

when he lost a championship or something. And how he was like, that's disgusting. And like going through that is horrible. But he he lost a championship or something. And how he was like, that's disgusting. And like going through that is horrible. But he is like a billionaire now. So I think it's like it was worth it. Not that he should ever have been spat on. But I just heard that of like,

it's disgusting what people did to him. And I'm like, but would you do that for a billion dollars? Would you have people spit on you in the street? I would. I would 100%. Not that he ever deserves it and it is disgusting I'm not condoning it For a billion for sure Yeah isn't he probably a billionaire?

I don't know but It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia I want to confirm is currently The longest running live action sitcom in the United States Congratulations We're announcing it here They have beaten You don't even know what this show is They have beaten ABC's The want to guess? You don't even know what this show is probably. Bonanza? They have beaten ABC's

The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. Oh. No. I mean, I've heard of that. Yeah. They won already. They're not the longest running show of all time. They're the longest running live action American sitcom. Live action.

I wish I could do the I worked so hard at one point during the pandemic to do a voiceover not voiceover but what's it called when you lips yeah lip sync for charlie day man but it was like when he's first no no it's not day man it is the scene where they are starting a band and charlie can't read and so he just draws shapes on this keyboard. Oh yeah. Or like not on the keyboard

but on the paper. There's just all these shapes and then he riffs it and at one point Rob almost starts laughing during it because it's the funny thing. I remember seeing that scene

and he's like trying to be Bob Dylan too and I'm trying to think of what the lyrics are. Because his dad they were so poor that they couldn't afford a piano, right? Yeah, no. He can't play piano Bob Dylan too and I'm trying to think of what the lyrics are can someone look it up and play it

piano right yeah no he is he can't play piano but he can actually Charlie can play pianos he's like kind of a savant and he's good at singing

but his lyrics make no sense and they're weird and they get a little homoerotic and everyone gets uncomfortable and it's one of the

it's the funniest scene I've ever seen I think it's up there it would make my top three scenes ever of funny Matt's favorite is this song about you find it somewhere boys the boys soul like you have to put it in the hole or yes that's great too that's all the day man musical and that's so yeah you gotta pay the toll troll if you want to get the boys hole the boys soul yeah they're like it's the boys soul it're like, it's the boy's soul. It's like the boy's hole.

But I want to do the Charlie rap and see if I can remember. Is it the go fuck yourself? It's a talent I have. No, it's, let me find it because it's really good. And I think it'll make. For those of you wondering, David Beckham. It'll make people go with it. Yeah.

David Beckham does not have a billion dollars. He's got currently estimated at at 514 million dollars, which is just nothing, close to a billion. Oh, so he's a poor. He's so poor. He's one of those poor. A callback. That's a ham drip for the secret episode that's coming up.

Okay, Charlie's song. Oh, it's already out? Yeah, everything's out. Oh, god damn it. You can watch it with Sherry Shepard and you can go listen if you join the Diamond Players. Everything's out. No. God damn it. Sherry, you can walk to a Sherry Shepherd and you can go listen if you join the Diamond Players. You can listen to our Intrusive Thoughts. What's it called?

Intrusive Thoughts. Intrusive Thoughts episode where we get real. I'm trying to find it. But anyway, that's a scene that I just remember being like, oh, here it is.

No, it's not that. I guess we're going to cut this out. So I was going to vamp, but instead we can just cut it out. Vamp. You can vamp. Vamp? Well, I was just going to say I say uh things that now this is me vamping things that i uh memorized when i was younger were i memorized there was a i love it there was a beastie boys

song called paul revere where i memorized all the lyrics to that and i would do that all the time i don't think i remember the whole thing now that now but I remember being very proud of myself. You look like a beastie boy. You do look like Paul Revere. Oh, I was going to say Paul Revere. Wrong hat. Yeah, you do look

like a beastie boy. We were talking before the show about how Brian went to go get his sunglasses and then he put up the hood. He has an F-Boy Island hat that comes out

October 16th on the CW. That's right. And you just look cool and we're all like kind of intimidated by you today. There's like a different vibe. I was so in love with Sinead O'Connor in college that I memorized the Gaelic at the beginning

of one of her songs. It was a poem or a psalm that Enya recited. O my God, it's not even a musical. That sounds like a witch's curse. It's crazy. That's like when I memorized Dave Speak back in 1999. It was actually exactly like the quotes that I was saying. It would just be dumb shit he had said in between songs

and they were written like Dave Gospel and it was called Dave Speak. Within the community of Dave Matthews Band fans, what he said between shows was Dave Speak. And I memorized one. It was like, how y'all feeling tonight? That one was a good one. He had another profound one that was like,

smells good out there this evening Charlotte. That's a classic and I'll never forget that one. No, it was always so fun when Dave Matthews would say the name of your city and acknowledge that he smelled a little weed going around. It was like, Dave smells weed! Cool! He gets it!

We love it. Okay, so yeah, I sent you the Charlie video. Is this a page from a car? Let's just rock Charlie's like Showed up with these lyrics And they're like They're just playing the song

Out of nowhere Where's my curtain? He wants to sing behind a curtain Because he is scared He has stage fright He's like I need a curtain And he's like where's my curtain? They're like they don't have one

Five, six, seven, eight. Nightman, sneaky and mean. Spider and sand, my dreams. I think I love you. If you wanna cry, you make me wanna die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Nightman. Every night you come into my room,

you pin me down. With your strong arms, you pin me down. And I try to fight you. You come inside me. You fill me up. I like that they like the first part. But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you. What? Where are you getting that from? He can't believe. Where are you getting that from? You can't believe. Where are you getting that from?

It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like loving brothers. One on top and one on bottom. One inside and one inside. We have to keep talking over it. Otherwise, I can't play this. So keep doing commentary.

Oh, we do? Okay. It's the night man. It's the night man. So keep doing commentary. Oh, we do? Okay. It's the Nightman. So they're confused. But he's really getting into it. He is a really good singer. And pin me down with your strong hands and I become

the night. The passionate, passionate Nightman. Oops. Wait, so the rule is you can't play stuff unless you talk over it? Do they count seconds like they've gone four seconds without talking? Let's charge them.

You have to be commenting on it so that you're doing commentary. Yeah, you're doing commentary. But then how can you hear it? It's a slippery slope, Nikki. You can play seven seconds and then comment on it. I want to take this to the Supreme Court. I don't understand. You want to take this to Neil Gorsuch?

Yes, I do. Who's that? He's one of the justices. Do you think you can name all the justices? I can't name the one you just gave me. I can't repeat the name you just said. Quite a few controversial ones. No, I know that he's a name I've seen on crossword puzzles,

and I'm always like, what's his name again? But now I'm going to remember it because I'm going to remember it's the same as the guy who walked on the moon. Buzz. Yes, Buzz Gorsuch. That's what I'm going to fill in the next crossword puzzle and be like, I don't, it's right. Everything on this puzzle is right.

So often I convince myself that in your times crossword puzzle is there's an error on it yeah like i'm right and they've made a mistake for the first time in the history of this thing um all right we gotta go to break uh we'll talk about something else when we get back um i think i have a plan all right we'll be right back 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt,

or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth.

That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio

app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yin. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out

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So check me out on those shows that already happened. And then also watch me next week in LA where we're doing one episode next week. So just gear up for that. And also come see me on tour. I mean, where am I coming up next? Sacramento, San Francisco. San Diego. come see me on tour. I mean, where am I coming up next? Sacramento? San Francisco? San Diego. San Diego.

Okay, I see a pattern. So Orlando. We should add it. We already were there. I can't think of another. Santiago? I don't know. I'm going there for the murder scene to see it. I'm adding it to my list.

I used to be a Columbine head, but I'm now an Idaho murder's head. I would want to drive by where that happened. I'm a little morbidly curious. I'm sure we shall. It's probably on the routing. I think it's a bad thing to do. Don't do that because let them heal.

But 20 years later, you're not going to, they're not even noticed. Trust me. I go to Columbine five times a year no one cares no one notices

don't drive by yeah don't drive by now I like how driving by like prohibits their healing no it does because if they get lots of crowds and people taking pictures

and like doing TikTok dances outside where there's no influencers in Idaho being like no they are people go

really yes they go there. People go to crime scenes because people are like Taylor McGraw. Taylor McGraw has like sifted through dense brush to go to the... I thought she was like niche. John Bonet's old stomping grounds. She's there now. She probably...

She's definitely gone to John Bonet's house. And I have too. I was in Boulder and went there my freshman year. But yeah, so go see me in those places is what I think was the point of that. So you're performing at JonBenet's house? What if I did? Actually, yes.

She'll be in Denver. She'll be in Denver. Which I call the house of JonBenet. Yeah, JonBenet's town. I feel like we're drunk today a little. We got the sunglasses. I'm into it. Do your tour.

Yeah, the sunglasses. It makes you feel like freer, I think. No one can judge us now because they can't see into our souls. I wonder if I'm going to have time for Columbine when I go there on the 30th. I might go there on New Year's Eve. That might be a thing I do because that will have made it. I didn't go this year to Columbine unfortunately but I try to get there I try to winter there

I try to get there at least once a year I try to get to Columbine I winter in Littleton is it Littleton, Colorado you gotta do your tour do your tour

of all the murder houses in America okay and then your tour could be called Now Who's Killing or something like that oh that's good

yeah what about the Delphi Delphi is gonna be hard we gotta do be hard. We got to do it on a wood bridge about a mile into a very small Indiana town. That's going to be like my Chappelle's shows. You know how he does them in the middle of nowhere in Ohio?

Mine's going to be on the bridge where those girls were murdered. It's going to be at the crime scene. Gilgo Beach? Oh yeah, that one. I'm not into that one yet. It's because you don't like the beach. Oh, yeah, that one. I'm not into that one yet. Because you don't like the beach. Yeah, what is that? What is that? I'm like, oh, God, I'd have to walk down to a beach with all that sand, which is just

hard. All right. Well, let's get to an old segment we haven't done in fucking forever. Fanthrax. Thank you, Avi. All right. This is where we listen to your voicemails. I actually have a couple letters, too,

that people wrote me that I might read this weekend. Besties gave me some stuff, so it was nice. I forget the one that I was going to read. It might be in the other room. But anyway, let's listen to the voicemails you have lined up. Okay. Here's one uh who's actually responding to an intrusive thought episode oh oh plug yeah hell yeah you're gonna wonder how do i listen to that well you gotta sign up for diamond players a little

bit but okay that's okay that's okay yeah i really don't want you to die of cancer just from using shitty deodorant. So here's the thing that I do because I don't I'm autistic. I don't like smells. I don't like I just want to be like as natural as possible and I don't want anything to touch me. Whatever. Yeah. Respect. I use the salt deodorant, which you were talking about, like, sweat doesn't smell bad. Like, I sweat a lot. I live in Florida. But I don't smell because I use the salt deodorant, and the bacteria can't live in the salt, so you just rub a shitload of salt on your armpits, and then you never smell, and you

sweat all day, and it's perfectly fine. So, please stop using Secret. It's bad. But it says no aluminum. Maybe try salt if you want to. I love you. Tell me a brand. Wait, just salt? It's got to be a brand. No, I think it's

salt, but I wonder if... No, she's talking about literal salt. That's too much. How does it stay on? You can rub it in there. I guess that's a good... You know what? This is a good hack if you've forgotten deodorant. Oh, yeah. If you forgot deodorant, you're at a restaurant, you get a salt packet, you put it

underneath your armpit, and you don't smell. I'm just wondering how to apply, but she's not wrong, and I like the idea, but this is where I go, why hasn't this been invented yet? If it's as simple as salt, why hasn't someone made salt deodorant like why is that not a thing and I'm not saying that this doesn't work because a lot of times it's like why didn't you put wheels on luggage 50 years before you know why sometimes it's right in front of you because salt is cheap and it doesn't like like the profit doesn't warrant making the product.

I pay $8 for someone to make salt in a, in a way that I could rub it on my pits. You know, like I would pay for someone to figure out how to put it together. Yeah. So, but yeah, you're probably right. It's,

I mean, it comes down to money always. So you're right. It either doesn't work or it does, and it doesn't make anyone money. Yeah. Since, and putting cancer in pits does. I mean, there, there are, there are, well, You're right. It either doesn't work or it does and it doesn't make anyone money. Yeah. Since.

Or it exists. I mean, there are. Well, that's why I was thinking there might be a brand. There are brands. I'm looking it up. Okay. There are brands that are like, this is so well known that one of the Google questions is, does salt deodorant really work? Okay.

See, yeah. All right. Well, perfect. It's Morton's. What kind of salt? Well, there's one called Salt and Stone, but. This, yeah. All right. Well, perfect. It's Morton's. What kind of salt? Well, there's one called Salt and Stone, but- Mrs. Dash? They don't have salt in it. It's actually like seaweed extract is their key ingredient.

They have probiotics, hyaluronic acid, which is a molecule- It's really such a bummer that humans smell this bad. Yeah. Yeah. Like, why can't this be a thing? Like, it's so funny that that has not been eradicated through evolution. Don't you think that animals... Like, why are we smelling bad?

Predators would have eaten us in the wild because they could smell us so readily. Or is it that our stench is so horrific that, like, a lion would be like, I'm not going near that shit. Yeah, it could smell off predators. Are we smelling them off or are we attracting them? Well, it's attractive sometimes. I feel bad for whoever. I wanted to have sex the other day because Matt forgot his deodorant in Prior Lake. He's like, I'm worried.

I forgot it. Do you have any? I'm like, I don't. But why don't you just borrow Nikki's? You guys have swapped each other's a few times. I actually forgot mine and i had to use chris's but we would have we would have done a threesome but i kind of was into it that way i was like guys you smell fine i'm into this yeah i like the way like and then i said my man i don't want other women to smell you tonight because what if they're attracted to this? I actually got possessive

over his BO. What? Wait, other women would smell him and then they wouldn't be able to help themselves? Yeah. Whoa.

That's like... Panty dropper. Damn. I guess I don't think that... I think Chris smells great, but I'm like... Well, I'm a different girl, so I don't care if girls

want to fuck my boyfriend. I hope they do. So that would actually turn me on that I would be like get out there meet some ladies have them smell you have girls want to fuck you but so I'm the opposite but yeah I get what you mean I got a little excited about my jealousy I have to have it in tiny doses

yes I got I made Chris make out with me the other night because we were waiting for the security guard to come up to the hotel room and we were in the hallway just like waiting

and it was like time we were like ready to go and like with our bags and he was like so what do you want to do and I was just like we should just like make out and he was like

okay and I was like we never make out we were laughing so hard because we never just stand and make out yeah no that's what I used to say

to people to you guys I didn't with Chris, though. But it's my new line. It's such a good move. We should make out. Why don't we make out? Just say it, like, casually.

It really has worked before with guys. But not Chris. He made the first move. But now I'm making moves. And we just, like, made out. But I couldn't stop laughing. And I think he was almost offended because I was laughing so hard. Because we never just, like, stand and make out.

Like, usually there's, like, there's's like things things are intense if we're like tongues are in each other's mouths yeah how long did it last literally like a minute a second and a half like two seconds of just like blah blah and it was just like what are we doing this is this is pornographic that's amazing like fucking It felt like fucking. That's probably why it was uncomfortable. It was making me laugh because it was like, this is the only something

we do when we do that. We can't do this in the hallway. Someone could see us. Yeah, I'm like... I love that you had to do it in front of the security guard. No, no, no. He wasn't there yet.

I'm kidding. Oh my God, that's insane. I would never do that to anyone. You're like, sir, hold on. Look at how hot my relationship is. It's so weird final thought let's

get to the last okay this is someone who wants some advice hi nikki noah brian and anya um love the podcast long time listener nikki and um yeah sending love from canada um also come to toronto please soon i'm coming my question though is i guess just for your opinion and kind of perspective um i'm 27 i'm single um a lot of my friends are all kind of in relationships getting married and i honestly haven't really been in like a serious real relationship at this point and just sort of at a weird point where I feel like I'm not young anymore, but I'm not old yet. And I guess I'm just curious what you guys would give like in terms of advice to yourselves when you were 27 and maybe weren't at the place you wanted to be in

life. Um, yeah. What advice would you give to a 27 year old version of yourself about dating and just um a good uh perspective for the future so that was really awkward to record and um please come to canada please come to toronto i'll see you there at Rama I love this call first of all anyone would be so happy to date this person yeah like

they you just sound like so smart and cool and like emotional emotionally intelligent I thought they were

thinking about this like oh my god what a fucking winner so the good news is like when you get into a relationship it's gonna be great

like you're so ready for one and you're like so like someone's so lucky to find you the girl so that the the good news is like when you get into a relationship it's gonna be great like you're so ready for one and you're like so like someone's so lucky to find you the girl so that's the good news the girl the girl that you're gonna marry is not ready for you yet they're gonna catch up more guy i'm sorry i don't think they specified they didn't specify i'm sorry i apologize this person is going to catch up to you you're there it sounds like you're there that's really good or they're just gonna find someone that's like oh it's just gonna make sense right away like i think that i just feel i feel frustrated in many ways in my life in terms of like i'm stunted in the terms of like growth where i would picture myself like i was just playing guitar earlier today and i was like

i'm so mad i'm not further ahead at this like i'm so mad i'm not further ahead at singing and all these things like why did i start so fucking late but the truth is like you just start when you start and it's like I felt I used to feel that way about sex like I didn't have sex I was 21 that felt so late I didn't have a boyfriend till I was 24 I didn't have like a real boyfriend like real one that wasn't long distance or just totally drunk till I was 28 or 9 I think 9 until I met Chris which was my first like sober normal relationship guy liked me as much as I liked him. So like, there is,

I relate to feeling like late to things, but you're, you, I liked that you were aware that you aren't old because you're not because 27 is so fucking young.

Just trust me. Like, no one expects you to know what you're supposed to do right now. Like anyone who's older than you looks at 27 year old and is like,

don't feel like you should have your life figured out right now. Like at all. It's totally, you have so much time and I and is like don't feel like you should have your life figured out right now like at all it's totally you have so much time and I wouldn't say that if I didn't think that when you turn 35

you're gonna be like holy shit 27 was so young yeah 36 is where maybe you go like okay I'm like I make some

like have some reckoning with yourself of like okay I gotta like really put the gas to the pedal but now is like not 27 and that's not safe you're just 36 listening and being like well i relate to this guy and i'm

36 so like what do i do yeah gas to the pedal if you want to achieve your dreams fucking figure it out like yeah you are getting up there and you're but 27 keep have fun like let yourself off the hook a little bit yes in general. When I was 27, I had just moved back in with my dad. I was living in my dad's house on Long Island when I was 27. I had nothing. And now you're married happily to the love of your life.

And you're how old? I'm 35. See, look how quickly things can turn around. Honestly, 27 was the beginning of my life. I moved out of my parents' house at like almost 26. So, also the other thing

I have to tell you is right in this moment, you are exactly where you need to be. Everything you want is unfolding for you. Even if it doesn't feel like it, it totally is.

Like, you are exactly where you need to be right now. That goes for everyone. If I could give myself any advice at 27 yeah it would be like wear sunscreen read alan carr's easy way to quit smoking yeah yes dating someone 13 years older than you is weird um they're like a shirt there is a power dynamic that is at play age is not just a number um but these are just but also like you're fine girl specific things yeah for you at that age but no that makes sense like um this guy should do all those things i mean you gotta in other words like you can be really fucking up right now and it'll be totally fine later. You can still chorus correct. But if you are 37,

you got to make desperate, Get it together. desperate moves. That is really so true. What the fuck are you doing? Just kidding. That's true though. My music career started then.

It is true kind of. You made the move though. When you were in your late 30s, you're like, I want to be a musician. I'm starting my music career. I'm doing it. And if you're,

27 is the most exciting time. Yeah. If you're 37, I don't want to discourage anyone who's 40 something and is like, I haven't done anything. Like, well, it's just,

it's time to do it. You have to make the assessment then. You're going to die. Just like do your best. Make peace with what, what make peace with that. You're not going to be as good as you want to be, or you might not have the best relationship,

like, but you're going to have something like have, you deserve a relationship. You don't get to opt out of these things that everyone else does where you're like i'm different i'm gonna be alone forever okay well maybe that's the case because of just circumstances and i'm not saying that the caller talked like this there are people in my life that i've had heard talk like this where it's just like i'm not gonna have this i don't get to go on dates i'm not the type of person that will do this kind of thing and i hear hear it on Reddit a lot, just people in depressive episodes.

And I've talked like this before about just absolutes about stuff. And the truth is, you're not special enough to not do those things. I'm never going to be able to get on an airplane. Some people have fears like that. It's you. If people do this all the time, you can do it too. It's not

that hard. Stop making it so hard in your head. You can't predict that that's going to be your future like maybe that's you right now but it could change yeah i used to be terrified of sex and thinking i will never be able to have it it is too weird i cannot imagine ever having sex i was terrified of the idea of it late too late in life and then i was like drinking i was scared of intimacy i was like i can't i used to tell my friends i can't picture myself making out with someone in high school i was like i'm never gonna kiss someone because i cannot picture it it's just not something i do i'm like different like it's easy for you guys i am there's no part of me that wants to put my lips on someone and i would freak out about it

i'd be like it's just not for me you know and then almost you like put yeah now yeah hell yeah now i literally only do it when I'm being penetrated as we just learned so I can only let it in in some ways but um I just I always used to like pride myself on like or I would have to convince myself I was different like I have this phobia I have this weirdness so that I wouldn't do the things I was scared to do so I venture to think that this person is a little scared of a relationship and that's okay because they are scary and like you might really want one but there's a part of you that might also be very scared because you seem so great it shouldn't seem that you're not you could be in a relationship if you wanted to be so i would say push yourself to get on apps and go on dates and do things that

you're terrified of doing and thinking like i can't do that i have you know social anxiety or whatever it is like don't make excuses just do the things other people do when they want to update and if you want to find someone you got to get you got to get on the apps low pressure i would think is a there's no pressure to talk to people in public which i don't think you're gonna do anytime soon so go on the apps you're not different not that this person said that they don't want to do that stuff no he he's comparing himself with his peers and he's like everybody everybody's in a relationship and I'm not. What's wrong with him? What the fuck?

Yeah, you haven't found anyone good enough yet. I mean, honestly, that's kind of how I felt about it. Yeah, my point of view is more laissez-faire. It's like, you're doing nothing wrong. Everything will transpire. You know what? Make a list.

Make a list of how you want to feel in a relationship. What is that person like? How do they make you feel? Yeah, that's your manifestation thing. I did that. When? How do they make you feel? How do you feel in it? That's your manifestation thing. I did that. When I was going on my year of dating,

I wrote down a list of everything I would want in a girl. And then I got... And then you were on Jimmy Fallon on Friday. Exactly. So the wires got crossed. And now Nikki's got a girl who's got all those things. And I'm on Jimmy Fallon. No, but I... No, that's got a girl who's got all those things and i'm on jimmy fallon um no but i know that's so true i wrote it all down and i and all those things came true all those things came true i love that yeah i remember the other thing that happens is

you start acting like the person you want to be and you didn't even realize it like i was like 27 and i was dating somebody he was much older than me i was like why am i not actualized in my career like i'm just like his girlfriend i'm his everyone refers to me as like his girlfriend i'm not my own person yeah right and then i started being like i want to play music he's a musician oh i didn't know i wanted to play music so i started writing songs i started getting open mics i started developing that like just think about how you want to feel and what you want how you see your light yes and force yourself to do things that are uncomfortable and also because

if you i i i want if you want a relationship which i used to want one too and couldn't get one it was so like woe is me like what's wrong with me no one likes me like there were moments where i would think like maybe i'm like maybe i'm not a catch but i guarantee you to the caller you're a fucking catch because you sound like amazing like we all just fell in love with you and so five seconds the only reason you don't have someone is because you're not trying like it's you're in your own way because there's no reason you shouldn't because you're you seem amazing like that so when i finally realized that about myself like i're in your own way because there's no reason you shouldn't because you're, you seem amazing. Like, so when I finally realized that about myself, like,

I'm in my own way. Like, like I, if I, it's not that hard to get a boyfriend. My whole story was like, I can't get a boyfriend

because I'm choosy and because I'm waiting for someone who like, deserves me. That's fine. That's okay. That's better. That's what was happening.

It wasn't that I was like, broken in some way. I just had, I wasn't, I wasn't willing to do the things I was scared to do um unless it was like really worth it and i was just like my journey but some people just date a lot and that's cool too like we want to know what happens yeah i want to know what happens when i was single and sad and lonely one piece of advice that i forgot who told me it was like a therapist or a friend or something but they said most people

that have or a Nikki quote this is a Nikki quote she's yeah she's most people yeah right it was a cogent

piece of information so it definitely wasn't a Nikki quote well the advice the advice was sometimes people go to cars and I was like

what and that was the advice but Nikki yeah so someone told me that and I was like okay and that was the advice but Nikki so someone told me that and I was like okay no but someone told me that the vast majority of people in modern

human existence have gotten married so what makes you think that you're so special that you're going to be the not the norm yes what makes you think you're so special that you're going to die in a plane crash? Yeah.

Like, I'm serious. Like, why do you think you're so like unique that it's going to happen to you? It just happens to most. It's not.

But this is something that happens to most people. You flip it. Yeah. Yes, that's true. Okay, it's the opposite.

Yeah, most people get married. We got to go. I have to go get on a plane actually. So, I can make that joke because I'm about to die in a plane crash.

Wouldn't it be crazy if it happened this would be the most watched video of all time and you're welcome I heart that I died in that plane crash because this is insane that I predicted it

oh my god stop plug everything plug everything I don't like it but if it did it would be wild and don't forget to tune in

to Fallon yeah FBoy Island coming out October 16th Well, I didn't make it to any of my appearances That would be funny Oh, that's right No But do watch FBoy Island

It's my, what's it called? My song Your swan song Swan song No, actually my swan song is going to be like I See Your Voice Like a TV show that I did Like I taped like two years ago

That they're just sitting on That's going to be the last thing Okay, well it was a great career Thank you guys so much for listening Oh my god I'm totally kidding that I did. Like I taped like two years ago that they're just sitting on. That's going to be the last thing. Okay. Well, it was a great career. Thank you guys so much for listening. I'm totally kidding. I'm not going to die in a plane crash,

but I will say I'm working on a joke about one where I say that I just, every time there is like turbulence and I think I'm going to die, I'm just like, oh, I got a long on to like the Boingo Wi-Fi. I'm kind of like, I got to say my goodbyes. Like I start thinking about like,

what's my old password? Then I got to say my goodbyes. Like I start thinking about like, what's my old password. Then I got to like reset it. So like there is, I already start thinking like clerically about saying my goodbyes. And I'm like, this is so annoying. I have to die right now.

So anyway, that's my joke. Have a good weekend and fly safe. That's my joke. I'll see you in Sacramento. Don't be cute. And just make light of things you're terrified of.

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