The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #391 Droopy Face?, Nikki is in her ‘Calling Out’ Era & Going Back To Your Alma Mater

Episode Date: November 10, 2023

Nikki is knee-deep in preparing for her upcoming special, and having to scrutinize herself is painful! She and Brian share similar feelings about seeing themselves on camera, but only one of them has 'civil war face'. Brian provides a spoiler-free review of "Killers of The Flower Moon." While Nikki excels at understanding other people's experiences, beware—she is in her 'Calling Out' Era. It's not cool to remind someone that you've met them before. Noa has a unique way of measuring distance, killing with kindness actually worked, college football is often considered the best time in some people's lives, and Nikki describes what it was like performing at her Alma Mater. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast,

and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here I am. I'm Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki Hello everyone, welcome to the show, it's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Here I am, I'm Nikki Glaser I am here alone in my studio Um Studio, apartment studio

I almost said studio apartment That's a different thing, it's a different lifetime Um, I am here in my Studio in my apartment in St. Louis Alone Um, Chris is going to get our rental car. Usually I'm joined by someone here. It's been a long time.

Yeah, what's it feel like to have nobody across from you? Feels a little, actually feels the same. I'm really fine with it. Chris is getting a rental car. We're driving to Arkansas today for two shows. Chris is helping me with my special. He's producing it. I'm doing so much more work

than I've ever done on a special in my life. It's not even that much work. I'm failing miserably every day. The goals we're setting, it's not even that much. What's the goal? Watching tape. Going through my set like going through my set and then picking like reading the transcript that we get transcribed and then

listening to it along with it and picking out what we like what we don't like it's complete hell it's hell because i just am so disappointed in myself the whole time. And it seems so insurmountable, the amount of work I have to do to be what I want to be. And I get bogged down with like, why are you so bad right now? And it's not enough time. And I just start kind of like, I just get in the worst moods imaginable when I have to do this. It's like,

and he's so sweet. Like he will get me anything. He like puts a Zevia next to me. He'll put on taylor swift like in the background softly like he'll get the foot massager next to me like he tries to make it as comfortable as possible for me to do this process and he's like in a really good mood because he's trying to like bolster my bullshit mood and it's really sweet but then i but then i start to feel like a burden and like such a problem because I see all the effort that's going into like keeping my little beach ball in the air.

You know, like it's just like, why can't and then I start getting down about that. Like, why can't I just be a normal person that doesn't get like I'm a little baby moody. It's just because the goal is to have like a special that surpasses your previous specials. It makes you ascend to the next echelon of comedians? No. I don't need to ascend anymore. I'm so tired. I like the amount of theaters I'm doing. I like the amount of people I'm performing for.

I don't care. I like being someone who people are like, you should be more famous. I like that. I don't want to be more famous because then when you get there, you let everyone down. I like... You should be less famous, I like that. I don't want to be more famous because then when you get there, you let everyone down. I like... You should be less famous, I think. You're a little too famous.

That's what they do. If you can just hover in the cut, lay in the cut, that's what you want. I just don't know how people have kids. I'm packing today for... I have to pack for Arkansas this morning. So two shows in Arkansas and then I go to New York on Wednesday

to do a Bob Saget tribute thing that, god damn you Bob, this is not the right time of year for me. But I love you and so I'm doing it for you. It's just, because I was supposed to do it last year but I went through my vocal cord thing so I couldn't do it. So I wouldn't be doing it this year

because I'm just so swamped. But when you push things away and you go, I't do it so I wouldn't be doing it this year because I'm just so swamped but I you know when you push things away and you go I'll do it next time then you are you have to do it the next time and you don't know if your life is going to be more complicated then right which it is but I'm actually it'll be fun it's just a short set on a show I keep thinking he'll be there or something I'm like oh

I'm but he will be in spirit so that'll be nice and on Thursday I'm yeah and on video probably there'll be a montage. And then Thursday, I'm still in New York City. Yeah, which is today. I am so depressed about my face lately, I can't handle it. I cannot... I see pictures of myself every week, and my right side of my face is sliding off. If topologists or geologists were studying my face, they would say, there's a landslide

coming soon on the right side. And it's all, do not build on that side. Stop putting things on the side. It's all, I wish I had microphone or I wish I had headphones that pulled me up like this. I wish I could do this the whole, this is what I want my face to look like. If like archaeologists were looking at your face for history, they'd be like, there was an ice age around the nose. Yes, yes.

Something's happening structurally to the right side of my face and it's undeniable. It's not just like lighting. It's like, it just started happening like probably in the last two months. I think I may have said this on the podcast, but one time during FBoy, my makeup artist, Leia, was doing my makeup

and she does like a winged eyeliner, like Taylor Swift style. And that's just like what I like to do with my eyeliner. And I was looking in the mirror and I was like, it's so uneven, Leia. Like I thought she was drunk because it was so, I go, look at this. One is like shooting up at a, you know,

90 degree, like a 20, I don't know what degree, what it's shooting right up. And the other one is like, kind of, you know, not, and I go, I was really like kind of disappointed in her. Like, how could you get this so wrong? It's supposed to be symmetrical. She was like, it's, um, I'm trying to actually make your face look symmetrical with it because one side is a lot. She was trying to be nice, but she was like, one side is, your

eye is a lot lower than the other. And I was like, oh my god, you're fucking right, dude. She was like, I do your makeup like this every time. You've just never studied it this hard. And so she put it in my, it's not like she put it in my head. It was already there. I was starting to see stuff. And

it's just, I don't mind if both sides were to sag at the I was starting to see stuff and it's just I don't mind if both sides were to sag at the same time but one side it's really hurts my feelings every time I see a picture and and other people don't see it or they just don't you know people that are taking my pictures or sending them to me do not know what's happening so they'll send me these pictures and it's so I get so sad it's so out of my control i can't do anything about it i can sleep on the other side of my face but like i shift in the middle of the night so i'm i'm now sleeping on my left side of my face to like make that one go down because there's no making the other side go up it's nearly impossible to stay in one position

while you're sleeping no i can't you just and it's just... Or you can get no sleep. You can force yourself to lay there like a mummy and then have a shitty night's sleep and that'll ruin everything. Then your face will definitely sag. Then everything will sag. I just look so much

like Marjorie Taylor Greene every single day. My face is... Yes, I already look like her. We have the same kind of eyes and if I just gain a little bit more weight, it's gonna be so undeniable.

People are gonna be making the comparison. Guess what? I beat you to it If you compare me to her you're not original Because I already said it And you got it from me Come up with something better

No you don't look like her You look at least like Sarah Huckabee Sanders I do kind of look like her too I have those weird deep set Beady crazy eyes But I'm going on Thursday I'm going on Thursday. I'm going to this very expensive doctor in New York City to just see if there's anything she can do.

Because I can't get surgery before my special. Just anything she can do to even out my face. Like I just don't know what to do anymore. And it's just like, I'm just so upset about it. And I can't live like this. If I wasn't in the public eye, it would be fine. If I didn't have pictures of myself every single weekend and I didn't have to film a special where I have to be in the edit and watch it,

if I could just have other people edit it, if I could just not look at pictures of myself and have an AI bot post them, I would be okay and I would be a happier person. But I have to review these things and look at myself and it's it's terrible it's just so and i'm tired of looking in mirrors i'm tired of people doing my makeup and then holding a mirror right up to my face or like doing something to my face and then all of a sudden holding a mirror the other day at the dentist he just held me a mirror and was like look at is that i'm like don't make me look at myself i hate this and i know everyone at home saying wow she has

such low self-esteem. You would too. If you had to look in a mirror for so much of your life. Yeah. And, and then you have to critique. Yeah. Sorry. You need to like critique what you're doing.

That's the, that's the part that makes it challenging. Like you have to like look at yourself and critique and accept, or like, you know, I don't like this. Make changes here. Yes. It's like you're you're

scrutinizing your own self and you have to do my makeup every day which is intense looking in the mirror well matt what about getting one of those phantom of the opera masks that covers that honestly is the perfect she would want that for sure for me to cover up the right side because the left side is still holding on it's still got a little life in it it has hope the right side because the left side is still holding on. It's still got a little life in it. It has hope. It's like a college student. It is. And my right side

is like an old professor that's been at the school for over 20, like has tenure, given up, just does the same syllabus every year. It's like moments away

from getting kicked out of his tenure for saying a racial slur. Yes. Accidentally, though. That's my right side of my face. He's the beginning of a Jonathan Franzen novel. In the 70s, I was allowed to say this. But also, I've been posting ugly pictures of myself on Instagram

because whenever there is a series of photos that comes out and I'm making a really bad face in some, I post those because that gives me control again over the narrative. No one can say, she thinks she's so hot

because I don't. Anya and Matt were talking to me about you should post hot pictures. We take pictures of you every week where you look great. I'm like, but I don't think I look great. I don't want anyone to think I think i look great it's so humiliating um to put those out there and have someone be like nikki thinks she's like looks so good i'd rather just post a really ugly picture and be like yeah i'm going through a phase right now i don't fit in any of my clothes my face is

falling off my head i i have i don't have time to get my hair done so my roots are like black um it's just like i like to see that as an experiment if you just started let's take a week and then every one of your posts should just be you shit talking yourself i would like to see i'm sure most of the reaction would be just like no you're wrong no it's it yeah you can't do that after a week what'll happen if you'd probably get uglier because of manifesting it. You know when Apple sends you a photo gallery

and it's like, when you were in the woods or beach time. Here's you 10 pounds ago when you were a lot happier. Exactly. Here's a montage of when you were so hot.

It was like three and a half years ago. Enough time that you can't get it back, but you were right before COVID. I was fucking killing it. It's like, remember when you were happy? And then it shows you five pictures. Yeah. It's just one of those weeks, and I'm just underslept. Happy and on the beach.

Yes. Why do they do that? And they always set it to a song that's like, it is like a song that would play at your funeral. It's like the Bob's, whatever's going to play for Bob Saget, probably Apple made it three years before he died. And they were like, we'll just use this.

I knew what I knew now when I was younger. Yeah. I hope you had this time of your life. And I'm like smiling with no crow's feet. It's like a little in memorial every time. It is. It's so rude. I really hate those. It's like a little in memoriam every time. It is. It's so rude. I really hate those.

It really makes me cry. Yeah, I don't like looking at the past. I don't like, what a great time to be alive within like the 17, 1800s. I mean, there was like plagues and stuff and, you know, rape was probably legal. But I do think not being able to see your reflection anywhere or having images of you like someone would just

paint a painting and you could be like ah he's just like a sloppy painter I don't really look like that and I bet they weren't as vain I bet they didn't

care they didn't talk about their looks a lot did you see Killers of the Flower Moon the new Scorsese movie with Leonardo DiCaprio no but I am interested

in Leo making out with a woman who's over 100 pounds. I'm excited about that. Yeah, they bang a lot. They forced him. Yeah. She's young, though. She's pretty young. That movie is set in the 1920s,

and Leonardo DiCaprio made an acting choice in that movie to purposely shape his face so that he's ugly. He's frowning forcefully the whole movie and i think i think back then even as early as then just like people were ugg and everyone was ugg and the top hot one was dead there was no moisturizer no there was if it was it was like cow semen or something like they would they they didn't there was There was just sun. There was no SPF. There was

constant smoking, constant being in cabins where there was smoke inhalation. Yeah. You looked like shit by the age of five. This is how everybody looked. Every man looked in the 1920s and below. But you know something? I bet people... What's going on out there?

You really do. You do look like you were on the battlefield. Yeah. My God, Brian, you have such civil war face right now. Yeah, this is the 1920s. Oh my God. But I do. I bet people have no self-awareness though.

Yeah, well, that's great. I mean, we don't need that. But they still have like sartorial choices that were pretty like specific. You know, they all dressed. They wore like those wigs yeah but they wore top hats and stuff and women had to wear like these big flowy skirts you know they had to like cover up a lot and like you would think they would just wear whatever their version of athleisure was whatever's the easiest thing because life was so hard but i think because they had life was hard

back then they're constantly probably working and but i bet there was a lot of downtime too because you gotta like let water boil and like you gotta let plants grow yeah the amount of time you just would spend laying down on a on a porch was but then it's not there's also less downtime because you have to do so much work just to get by each day like if you have to go out and farm. Yeah, what's with people sweeping the porch and getting the dust off the porch? You don't really need to do that. Because it's going to get inside and it gets on everything.

Oh, yeah. I guess I didn't think about that. But they are always sweeping. Was Killers of the Flower Moon so good? No. I'd say it was fine. It was fine. Really?

For example, I liked the Irishman better than Killers of the Flower Moon there were parts I mean I don't want to get into like into trouble here but like there were parts of Killers of the Flower Moon where I asked the question why is Martin Scorsese telling this story why is not a Native American

telling this story it's as if Martin Scorsese like read a book or interviewed somebody I don't know if he has a personal connection to it, but it's like this movie has real moments of cultural significance for the Osage people. And I just don't

understand why Martin Scorsese is making this. And then at the end of the movie, Martin Scorsese makes a little cameo where he does like a speech. Yeah, there's some strange artistic choices Does he do that a lot? No no no he does not So it was just some strange

Artistic choices that made this movie A little bit more artsy than I'm used to in a Scorsese movie And then also I just felt like That he's trying to make a statement About how difficult it was for the Osage people Of Oklahoma in the 1920s And how the white man, the white devil came and stole their land

and stole their oil money and stole their women and they all died off from alcoholism and suicide. And then he makes this heartfelt speech at the end which was really profound. And I'm like, why are you doing this? Shouldn't there be an Osage

person making this speech? They can't get funding for a movie like that. Well, so then Martin Scorsese should, okay, I'm the director, but then, it's just as strange. It made it seem insincere to me. I don't believe him that he really is empathizing this much with the Osage people. I believe that- Really? He made a whole movie about them.

I think he thinks the story's good and has and it's very mafiosa but still Robert De Niro Leonardo DiCaprio they're the white devils they're truly the main characters except for the woman who is the sage person who is excellent I think she was the best part of the movie but like I don't know that once they got to this

cameo at the end where did they find her um that's a good question I would like to make a joke i don't want to offend anybody i think yes craigslist yeah i mean i love when i love when they have like one person i hope she has an illustrious career ahead of her yeah but there's always these art these movies where there's like a huge star studded cast and then there's one person that looks kind of normal that like has to fill a role that is just you know like the

I don't know the guy on death row or the old janitor who finds the crystal I don't know just there has to be some kind of character character that they put a normal person they kind of like they go look at we claw machined this person out of their

horrible life and now we made them a movie star for one movie. Yeah. And then they maybe do like a Super Bowl ad or something and then they kind of disappear. So she's been in a bunch of stuff. Okay, good. Yeah. Her name is Lily Gladstone and she has been in... That sounds familiar

actually. Reservation Dogs for two episodes, which is also about Native Americans. But then she was also in Billions for six episodes. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, a couple other things. She's got a great voice. Do you know what I mean?

She has a great speaking voice? Yeah, she could do voiceover for sure. Oh, my God. I recently heard... Oh, there's this woman who I have jealousy issues over. Not jealousy, envy. I recently heard there. Oh, there's this like woman who I'm have jealousy issues over not jealousy, envy, sorry, wrong one. Um, that I just like kind of want her life. And she just like is, has the body that I want and has like, just like the Instagram I want and like the hair and like the clothing and just like the happiness and like just has it all together. It is like

killing it. And then I heard her talk and i was like thank you god you granted her one horrible thing her voice is like kind of like this like it's so bad that like any you just you can't deny that it's a bad voice and it really delighted me that she just had a really like because i was dying for a video of this woman because i know people can look amazing in images pretty easily you can just edit that stuff and just pick the best one out of a thousand but video kind of shows the truth and boy did it ever she's still a pretty person talking but her voice was rough man oh yeah um yeah voices are everything porn and you see a really hot person and then they have this deep, thick, Eastern European

accent and you're like, what the fuck? Oh, interesting. Oh my God, what is happening to me? It's like, what the fuck is going on? It's an overdub. Keep it harder. I don't like when the women talk at all. That's why I oftentimes

search ball gag porn because I'm just like, I don't want to hear anything you say you need to be quiet i want to hear you like struggle not to make noise and i want to hear the guy talk more and so that that voice actually turns me on the one that you just made if it's coming it's because it sounds like a man what do you want the guy to say um just take it bitch not bitch but take it like do it like just like i want the guy to be like good all right yeah you want him to be like i like other guys directing the guy yeah yes i want other guys to be directing that guy to tell him what to do and they're like oh i like when they tell arch your back arch your back i like when they like yell commands at her. I love it. You should watch PopSugar videos.

What is that? It's like exercise videos on YouTube. It's the same thing. Arch your back. I kind of, maybe it is. Stiffen up.

Arch your back. Put your arm over here. I just like them to be challenged. I want everything to be a challenge. I want anything that anyone, anything that I like watching,

it's something impressive. Just watch it. I'm challenging you. So, okay. So how come you can't apply this to your special reviews? Because you're very, you hate that challenge, but you love watching someone. Because I get bogged down by how bad I am. I just, I can't get it out of my head.

That's it. Brian, I think you figured it out. Instead of Chris being so sweet to you and putting on Taylor Swift low in the background and getting you your favorite little snack. He's going the wrong way. He needs to shout commands at you. Arch your back. I'm going to text him.

Honestly, it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to make it because he tries to make it so enjoyable. Yeah, no. Try it. I don't want things to be enjoyable. I want things to be torturous so that when I complete them, I feel like good job. And like, I don't, it doesn't help me to have things that are really hard be set in like a beautiful setting or something.

Get on your hand and knees and put on this pig mask. That's the next review. I think that's a better idea for me. You've done it. I'll tell him that Noah. I'll, I'll break that, that news to him.

Okay. Cause that's a really good idea. All right. Uh, we got to go to break. We'll be back with more after this. We're really figuring things out. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and

insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and

exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,

I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay. Really sounded like you believe that

No I mean I think there is something to that No one knows what we're talking about Because I keep forgetting that during the break People listen to like two minutes of commercials Unless you're a Diamond Player Club Network Special guy or girl Wait we're back Oh we are

Yes I'm keeping all that in Okay great I do consider that people listen to the commercials and then they are kind of like not exactly where we were no they're not and like unless you're diamond players unless you're diamond players then you're we gotta we gotta look out for them because they're just going from one to the other it must be very jarring this is a thing about me i have to say there's a lot of things I get down on myself about. I am 100% more aware of other people's experiences than most people are.

I think that I am someone who is extremely aware of how other people interpret things. And I get it wrong a lot of times, but I'm always constantly trying to understand another person's perspective. So I don't think there is a single example of me on this whole podcast where I have come back from a commercial and not reset. And like,

because I know I would never assume like everyone else is just living my experience right now. I, I really do think from other people's perspective quite often. And I think that's a quality I wish more people had. It's one thing about myself that I actually like because people all the time, the, my,

one of my biggest pet peeves is when people think, talk about their shitty, stupid, mundane lives. Like, you know, all the players and characters in it. They'll be like,

well, and then Dave told me at work and then Dave at work was like, lost his sweatshirt again. I'm like, I don't know who Dave is like the other day it was like you don't know who Dave is well I go I always say this I go why would I know

who Dave is can we just go back why would me you know who I am how do you think I would know who Dave is and then they kind of are like at a loss for words and they go I don't know I just some people but I realize that I'm not being very empathetic and thinking about some people are stupid and they don't consider other people's experience. Put yourself in their shoes.

They're so dumb. So I do need to make that, that extra leave. But like, there's like examples, whenever I check into a hotel, they'll be like, and so he goes, and you're gonna, and you're gonna, what did he say? There was a guy the other day that goes, um, so, and the elevators are going to be that way and across the rotunda. And then you're going to go through.

And I go, what is that? What is all of that? I don't know what any of those words were. He described how to get to it. And I was like, but it didn't even make sense. It wasn't like,

I wasn't trying to be difficult. I found that pen. It's like, I don't know where you found that pen yes yes it was like that it there was something I remember on you kind of looked at me because it seemed to be rude what I was saying but I was just calling him on the fact that I don't speak your hotel language I don't know what any of that stuff is and people know me listening to this I would never want to be escorted to my room by a front desk clerk. I don't want to waste people's time.

I don't want, if I can find the elevator myself, I will 100% go. I'm not one of these people that likes to hang out at the front desk and ask a million questions and feel like really important. So the breakfast tomorrow, does that start at 9am or 10am? I know any information. I will just look at it when I get to my room in the book on the desk. I don't, but this guy was describing how to get to the, the elevators.

And I go, none of that would make any sense to anyone who is patronizing your hotel for the first time. I go, I haven't been here before. I literally said to him, I go, why would I know what that means?

Yeah. Cause he was like a young kid. Right. And I go, and he was, yeah. And then just take two laps past the adirondack room and it's like what the fuck is the adirondack that is exactly it that's exactly it right i go why

would i know what the adirondack room is and so then it was either chris or anya kind of looked at me like easy nikki like this is just a kid but then i was trying to have a little fun with it because i was i was trying to say it in a cute way of like, come on, man. Let's talk about this for a second. Why would I know what that is? And then he goes, and then I was just being a little bit more playful just because either Anya or Chris was kind of like, I could tell they were kind of upset with how I was acting. And not upset, but just kind of like trying to be super nice to the guy to make up for me. But I'm like, no, I got this under control. I'm not going to be mean to this kid. Believe me, I'm going to leave this interaction fine.

I just need him to know not to do this again with customers because no one knows what the Adirondack room is. So then he go, he was, I was kind of play, like playing with him a little bit and just being like, come on, man, you know? And then I go, oh, I made some other joke about something. He's like, do you want, you know, one key or two keys? And I'm something um he's like do you want you know one key or two keys and i'm like make it three like you know i was just like playing around you know

just trying to get on his good graces again so on your or chris wouldn't be upset with me and then um he goes you know what i gotta say i had a feeling i would meet you today he was like you're nicky glazer right and i was like, I literally just gave you my name. I said Nicole, but I think, yes, you figured it out. And I go, oh, really? And he was like, I just had a feeling. I go, is it the poster behind you that says Nikki Glaser show tonight at 7 p.m.? I was like, at a casino I was performing at.

He was like, no, I just, you know. And I go, I'm sure you don't meet everyone that performs here so yes i guess this is very special but then he walked us down and um he quickly confessed that he was off drugs and he was uh doing good for himself his name was austin shout out to austin that guy that worked at the front desk but um there was another time this weekend that i called someone out because i just couldn't help it there was someone that was like and i felt bad about it afterwards but, I don't because people don't need to be. Okay. I love that you're going through your calling out era.

I am kind of, look at this asshole. I just want people to be more aware. Like it, like I have, I had a friend who was, I was introducing to another friend and my one friend was a pretty, is a fairly well-known person and the friend i was introducing

that friend to is not well known at all like you know it which is just is fine there's no judgment there i'm just saying what it is so the friend that's not well known said to the friend so the the well-known said to the unwell known um nice to meet you and what did the well-known said to the unwell-known um nice to meet you and what did the well-known say let's all take the not well-known say let's take a guess um you never met me before we've met before we've met before the opposite of what i said we've met before yeah and the and i'm monitoring this because i'm very i don't like we've met before i don't like when anyone tosses that out but if they like hung out all weekend or something i've done i've done um nice to meet you to someone who i was like on tv shows with like did panels with and they were like nikki we like

worked a whole day together and i like completely forgot so i understand it sometimes it is you like we slept together or whatever like it's constituted that you should call it out. But so I was monitoring this, like, does this person have a right to call my friend out for not remembering them? We've met before. And then he goes, where they say,

um, at Montreal, just for laughs already. I'm like, the context of that is not fair. Oh yeah. When you're at Just for Laughs, it is a festival of hundreds

and hundreds of people that you're meeting. Yeah. And then, to further it, if you're listening to this and you're, don't be mad that I'm calling you out because this was really adorable.

But then, furthermore, they go, I met you already. And he's like, oh, really? I'm so sorry. Where? Montreal.

And then I'm already like, come on. Like, I didn't say that, but my face is getting ready to make that thing. Yeah. And then they go in an elevator. Oh, what? The place where everyone's facing forward. And there's literally a thing called an elevator pitch because it's it's it's it's you're trying it's it's less than two minutes like it's seven seconds to make it a impression on someone because you're in a box in which there is no impressions

to be made at all i was like i go come on you can't expect him to remember you at montreal in an elevator where you are constantly getting on. It's like, imagine for the listener, Montreal is like a conference of hundreds of comedians, hundreds of agents, hundreds of producers, hundreds of comedy bookers, all in one hotel together for a whole weekend sharing elevators. The fact that anyone remembers anyone, even famous people is, yeah. I've met people atreal that i'm more famous than and i but i like know them from something and i would never expect them to remember meeting me because it's just not i mean yeah i went to montreal in 2014 and i could say that not a single person remembers

me from that and i just felt yeah well when i went in 2007 I'll believe me no one remembered me there's fucking rough I think we talked about it before what's such it was a bad time for both of us but I just I called this person out and then I felt bad because I didn't want to make them feel bad about it but I go don't expect anyone to remember you from an elevator in Montreal and I wasn't saying that because she isn't someone that is to be remembered. It's absolutely the opposite. But in that context, I've met Larry David twice and didn't remember

meeting him the first time. People don't have massive memories for meeting people. And sometimes you just, it's not, it's not important enough.

There's not. Sometimes you just go, nice to meet you, but obligatory. And you're like, oh, wait, this is what leads people saying to saying nice to see you which is a bunch of bullshit oh you don't like that i hate but it's safe i always say no nice to see you is stop it everyone stop nice to see you

it is indicative of the fact that you you do not need to feel bad that you don't remember meeting this person if they were memorable enough and if you didn't have a drinking problem, you would remember them. But you do and they're not. So just stick it. Say nice. If you don't know if you've met him before, say nice to meet you. If they do the I've met you before, say sorry.

Don't feel bad that you don't remember them. No one should feel bad. You can't help what you don't remember. My dad is constantly making my mom feel bad about stuff. You don't remember them no one should feel bad you can't help what you don't remember my dad is constantly making my mom feel bad about stuff you don't remember that julie and i go if she did she would it's not her fault she's not choosing to not remember something so just wait let's do away with 10 years old to see you once they get nice to see you when people say that to me i know for a fact they don't give a fuck that they've ever met me they definitely don't remember meeting me they think they think i'm unmemorable they don't even

give a fuck now if you say nice to see you to me i not only think that i think for sure you've met me before yeah and even if we haven't met you think i'm not memorable enough right now that you possibly have met me before and didn't remember me so it is it is an insult actually when people say nice to see you to me i really rather than say fuck you yes i fucking hate you yes nice to meet you if you don't remember if you've met them say nice to meet you it is not a crime to not remember someone we are very busy people that meet a lot of people stop apologizing before you insult someone and stop apologizing when you do insult someone. You can apologize and say, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But don't think you're a bad person because you don't remember someone.

For God's sakes. Not everyone is memorable. And if you're not a memorable person, that's okay too. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means that you don't even know what was going on in that person's day. How many people they met. If they were hungover. If they were drunk.

You don't know. So don't take it personally. People need to stop going like, you know, this whole thing of, if you tell your friend I can't make it to something, oh, no, making them feel bad about it. That wasn't me saying Noah. Oh, Noah, just let them off the hook.

People already feel bad enough that it is it is just being humans and having to be around mirrors let them off the hook for disappointing you when they when they are when you know they already feel bad don't double down and make them feel worse oh yeah i hate that about movies you haven't seen back to the future what i don't like that it's like no i haven't i don't i'm not a monster i didn't i still had a childhood jesus christ well i have said that to people before but it's just because i won't say it like what's wrong with you i'll just be like oh my god i'm so excited for you to see it wow like please see it sometimes i'll be like you have to see it please see it but i do

understand when people haven't been exposed to certain things. But there was something recently. God, what was it? There was someone on Girls Chat that didn't know about... Oh. One girl on our Girls Chat had never heard of nepo babies.

Ah. Oh. And that to me is kind of inexcusable. Where were you? I thought you were going to say something like Bill Clinton or something. No, no, no. Bill Clinton. Oh. And that to me is kind of inexcusable. Where were you? I thought you were going to say something like Bill Clinton or something. No, no, no. Like never heard of Bill Clinton. No. No offense, but if you have never read or heard about the term nepo babies, you're not engaging in cultural life the way that you should be.

And that is just my judgment. I'm passing judgment on you. And you could say, Nikki, my life is really hard. I don't look at the same things you look at. I don't care about show business. But if you miss that, you're kind of, you're horse blindering yourself. You're a horse.

Yeah. I want to say, though, this happened to me this past week, so I want you to evaluate this scenario. I'd love to. I'd love to pass judgment on something that I have no right to do. So I, I went to this, I, I,

I, I went to this meeting and there was this guy there who I had met the day before. Okay. That's rough. I talked to him at this. I talked to him for like 25 minutes and I think he even watched me do standup.

You're allowed. Then you are allowed to be like, we met yesterday. Absolutely. You're allowed to give this guy shit. A hundred percent. Yeah. I said, Oh, we met yesterday. Yes, that's what I said. You're allowed to give this guy shit. 100%. Yeah. I said, oh, we met yesterday at that thing. And he's like, oh. You're allowed to be offended by that, Brian.

Alright, alright. What the fuck was his excuse? He's drunk. I'm guessing drunk. He didn't have an excuse. No, he was definitely not drunk. I know that for a fact. He just, he said, he just, he might as well have said, oh, I didn't give a shit. If he said that,

I would have been like, yeah, that's the truth. And then I asked him to get me a room temp water and he had to. What? He had to get me a room temp water. Why? Was he working?

Yeah, he was working. He was like an assistant or something. Not an assistant, but I was like, how could you not remember me? I talked to you for 30 minutes yesterday and you saw me do stand-up it's just like get i gotta say that sometimes i'm like that like i won't remember people that i've spent i'm starting to really worry about my memory because there's yeah i will spend and faces and facial recognition and um it's i just have to say

though that people can't help that they don't remember it doesn't mean you can't give them shit especially if it's something that you know but it was insulting because i remembered them and i did not watch them perform and they were just like somebody but you are smarter than them you have a better brain than them for remembering you know like they not everyone is you if he had your brain he'd remember you too you have a good brain for that kind of stuff and he definitely doesn't and that's probably why he's getting you water yeah yeah because sometimes and this is going to sound really insulting but i do not mean it in an insulting way please know that when i say someone is less intelligent or they are

if someone's less intelligent i don't think they're a bad person. I don't think they deserve less in this world. It's not a moral judgment because animals are less intelligent than us. And I still think they deserve all the rights that we have. So in saying that another human being is not as intelligent as me might sound like I'm being judgmental and there is a level of that, but I'm taking it. There sometimes is a part of me that's like, what an idiot, you know, and I do pass judgment. This is not that. Sometimes, and I think I probably shared this before, you are being waited on or being, having service from someone, let's say an Uber driver.

And I'm sorry if I mentioned this before, but I think it's a good point. You will get upset that the Uber driver is driving and they will start looking for the drop-off location about, I don't know, 0.1 miles from a block or two away, even though the dot on their screen, and they've been driving Uber for a while, the dot on their screen is clearly, their car is here on the map the dot is up here the dot is clearly where you drop off and yet they'll start like stopping and breaking like a block before the dot and this is not noah's um distance blindness that you have because noah and carlisle both have they don't know what mileage is so you'll say like it's 0.2 miles away they will

have no concept what that means well i would think that's right away 0.2 so it's 0.2 miles away they will have no concept what that means I would think that's right away 0.2? so it's 20% of a mile do you think 20% of a mile is right away? I would think it's like really close and a mile takes if you're driving 60 miles an hour it'll take you one minute to do a mile

so if it's 0.2 of a mile if you're driving 60 miles an hour it'll take you 20 seconds can I do it an easier way? a mile is So if it's 0.2 of a mile, if you're driving 60 miles an hour, it'll take you 20 seconds. Can I do it an easier way? A mile is four laps around a track. So that one lap around a track is 0.25 miles, 25% of a mile. So if 0.2 miles, it's almost one lap around a track. That gets me the distance in my head, but not the time it takes. Well, the distance is what you need because whether you're in a car or on foot, a distance is going to be what you need.

I just know that my GPS, when it turns into feet after the mile, then I better get ready to brake fast. This is crazy. Wait, I'm not kidding you. Her and Carla are both, they don't understand like point two miles.

But 800 feet, you know that 800 feet, you know how tall people are. So it'd be 100. How tall is people? 120. I'll tell you how I do that. Let me know. My tallest friend, his name is Rob, Moa? It'd be 120. I'll tell you how I do that. Okay, yeah.

Let me know. My tallest friend, his name is Rob, and he's six foot three. Okay. So that's like around six feet. You should get some taller friends. That's not that tall. That's pretty tall.

Six foot three? You should have at least six, five. You gotta have one six foot five. So let's just say he's six feet, right? Yeah, so I measure things in Rob. So it'd be 100 Robs. Yeah. 100 plus Robs for 800 feet. It'd be like 120 robs. Yeah. 100 plus robs for 800 feet.

It would be like 120 robs. Yes. How is this easier for you? That you're thinking about robs laying down? Because I know his measurement. I've seen him in real life. Your brain is going to be able to calculate 120 of your friend laying down on the road?

That's not easier. There's no way. Can I just quiz you a little bit more? Okay. Noah. of your friend laying down on the road. That's not easier. There's no way. And then I drive. Okay. I let me, can I just do that quiz you a little bit more? Okay. Noah,

we, I think you get it now. I just explained the point too. We have about 0.2 miles to walk. When should we leave to get there? How many, how many minutes should we give ourselves to walk there? Oh no.

Now you're adding time. Yeah. I am. I'm adding time. We're doing a leisurely stroll where like we're walking a dog so like we're just like and we need to be there

it's 4 o'clock and we need to be there at 4 o'clock what time should we leave to get there right on the dot I think I would say 20 minutes oof that is it takes about 20 depending depending how fast you walk. If your dog is like incontinent and like really struggling to shit and we want to stop for a Starbucks, that's another 2.2 miles away.

So what's the answer? How fast? If it's 2.2 miles away, I could get there in four minutes. Yeah, four or five minutes. Like very easily. If you're walking fast. I could do two and a half minutes if I was walking fast. You can walk a mile, depending on who you are,

between 20 and 30 minutes, somewhere around there. Usually, for younger people, it's closer to 20. A mile? I could walk a mile in 16 minutes. I have a brisk walker. No, not speed, just my regular gait. I think 16. If I'm running, nine minutes.

I guess you're right right It would be 18 minutes You're in the range It says you're a normal person According to Adidas Don't even do normal people Because whenever they try to tell me How long it's going to take to walk somewhere I can always take out a fourth of it

That's because we walk fast We live in New York. We got long legs. We're brisk. We like to do things fast. If someone asked, if someone did, how long does it take you to unpack a suitcase? You'd also be like half the time for Nikki Glaser, but you're just fast. To unpack one, it would be one-eighth of the time.

No, it would be honestly one-thirtieth of the time it takes most people to pack a suitcase. If it was unpacking, it would be 30 times the amount of time because I never do it. Okay. So how long? According to Adidas, they did a scientific study in 2019. There's a range of seven minutes. What do you think the range is for how long it takes someone to walk one mile? Wait, a range of seven minutes.

Oh, I would say to walk one mile, I would say 18 to 25 minutes. That's very close. What about you, Noah? How long does it take to walk a mile according to the scientific study? 19 to 26. Wow. You switched it? Yeah.

No, I'm going to 19 to 26. Okay. Noah, do you have a guess? Well. 600 days. I guess the way that I would think about this was when I used to. Robs. Think about it in robs.

How many robs will it take? Well, I can't think of him in time, but I do remember when I was on the treadmill, it used to take me like 12 minutes to like complete a mile jogging. Okay. So I guess if I'm walking, I would double that and I would say like 24 minutes. So would you go 24 to 31 minutes? So she would split 24 probably and that would be the median of that number. Okay. So like 23 to 30 minutes. Yeah. 22 to 29. To complete a mile? Okay. The correct answer is 15 to 22 minutes. That's what I'm saying. I really do think I could get it done in like 16 minutes. I think that's my mile.

That's interesting. Do we have to go to break? We have to go to break and then we're going to talk about... Oh, I killed someone with kindness, you guys, on my DMs. I got a nasty DM and I did it. I really did it. You won't believe the results. Okay, we'll be

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We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please.

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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're back. So on the I hope you guys got a good walk-in in between during the commercial break. How much of a distance did you do?

Tell us. You could probably walk about 0.3 miles during that commercial break. Yeah, I think so too. Okay. So, because it was probably four minutes long, so you could probably walk 0.3 miles.

Okay, so yesterday's episode I was sharing that I really loved this meme where someone was talking, someone got a really nasty DM from someone and then they just killed them with kindness by like commenting on their profile. So most of the time I get DMs that are like mean and it's from someone and I can't see their profile.

But last night, like manna from heaven it dropped into my lap this person who tagged another person so they wrote me as a group oh I hate that and someone said team Canadian French I don't know if the girl

on Selling Sunset that I made fun of on the episodes because this is what I'm getting a lot of hate for is like I made a fun of a girl on Selling Sunset who I don't know. She's just whoever's dating Jason Oppenheim. And so, and Chrishell used to date Jason. So Chrishell and I are hanging out on the show. I don't know anyone on the show

by the way. Like I met Chrishell for the first time like at the office. Romaine Bonnet? I'm guessing yeah, she's Canadian French. That sounds like it. Romaine Bonnet. She's dating. Okay. So I made fun of her because she's young. Oh, I know. That's a man.

I wasn't even making fun of her. Oh. I just looked up. Oh, no. That's Mary's. I think that's Mary's husband. Okay. But anyway, so they wrote team Canadian French.

I'm guessing she's Canadian French. And then again, they wrote you're a cunt. Oh, God. but it's fun how do you think they spelled you're a cunt okay with a k no okay see it's the best way oh y-o-u-r bingo oh you're talking about cunt no sorry you sorry. You're a cunt. And so. Okay. So then I was like, I'm just going to check their profiles to see if they're not private.

They weren't. One of them wasn't private. And I'm like, okay, I'm going in. So I found they have a really cute son that they had all these Halloween pictures of him dressed up. And it's just crazy to me that someone would write you're a cunt and have a son. It's just to a stranger. It's just this person should be sterilized but um that's how i truly feel so i wrote hi your son is adorable love his halloween costume that's what i wrote back to you're a cunt okay she wrote ha ha ha ha ha love your stand stand up and hosting and F boy island. My God. It worked. It worked.

Because you just, that what was so great about that is what that you just gave for the out that you're joking. So you went, ha ha ha. You're so funny. Is that what you said? No, they said that.

I said, hi, your son is adorable. Love his Halloween costume. Oh, cause so you didn't even comment on the fact that they called you a cunt. No, no, totally skipped or something. Nope. Love his Halloween costume. So you didn't even comment on the fact that they called you a cunt. No.

Totally skipped. Maybe I should do that next time. But this worked. I can't believe this is the next text. The next friendly. They wrote, Love your stand up and hosting and FBoy Island. And I wrote, thank you. And now we're good.

Wow, it worked. This is magic. What now we're good. Yeah. Wow. This is real. This is magic. This is, this is how you turn. This is a magic spell where you turn trolls into regular people. It's really fun. It's, I mean, honestly, I think like everyone just needs to be approached with more kindness. Yeah. Instead of when you, Instead of calling them the pilot.

All those signs at Bed Bath & Beyond were right. They were right the whole time. I think I found her name. Marie Lou Nurk. Okay. She's 25. She's a white lady with kind of blonde hair. I didn't say anything mean about her

I just said I was just making jokes about how she's young You know, like I was doing like old soul jokes Like, it's just funny to me that Someone, I can upset people so much From making jokes about Someone being young There's so much awfulness in the world

And so many horrible people Yet people are so upset about me No one's called me an ugly cunt yet people are so upset about me no one's called me an ugly cunt yet like you can call me a cunt all you want but no one said anything really that hurts my feelings yet and that's great because i truly look like a goblin next to everyone on selling sunset because they are all i saw so perfect looking and i look like just me i look fine like i look pretty but next to that the pieces of work they are and i'm saying that with respect like they're just like they're they're art pieces they're they're they're literally they literally have been worked on

by doctors who are like at the top of their game in fact chrishel is someone i now text for all of my beauty needs whenever i go to to LA, I'm like, who's your tanning person? And I'm also going to go to her plastic surgeon when I'm ready to snip it up. Yeah. Because he does great stuff. I mean, she's one of the prettiest people I've ever been around in my life.

Who is she? Christelle? Christelle Strauss. She's like the lead girl selling Sunset. Yeah, it was really fun. I actually saw the guy from Selling Sunset. Yeah, it was really fun. I actually saw the guy from Selling Sunset, Jason Oppenheim, at a restaurant. Maybe it was his brother. How do you know it was Jason?

I don't know. He was short. Are they both short? Yeah, they're twins. How many Robbs was he? Well, I have no idea who it was. I don't know if Marie Lou Nurk was there. He was 0.4 Robbs.

It would take you about 15 seconds to walk up him. Where did you see him? Craig's. Oh, what were you doing at Craig's? It was just a dinner after a show at the improv. Nice. Yeah. I always feel intimidated going to celebrity hotspots like that.

I would feel like, what am I? I'm not allowed to go here. I go there with David Spade or when I have friends that are celebrities that invite me to go and that's pretty much my only celebrity friend that invites me to go. I had no idea. I didn't know it was a celebrity hotspot and I didn't know who any of the celebrities were and people were like, oh, that's the person from Selling Sunset

and I was like, oh, if you weren't here I would not have known that I just saw the person from Selling Sunset. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the place where Harry and Meghan go. Oh, really? Well, they had armed security guards in there and this is selling sunset oh yeah well that's the place where like harry and megan go oh really well they had armed security guards in there and this is a trend across la now because somebody came in um people came in with guns and robbed a bunch of nba players that were there like two weeks ago or something and so now they have like at craigs yeah. And so now they have like

artillery like real security guards that are like infantry, like military. I can't think of the word. I've seen this. They had it at Starbucks in Memphis. It was the first time I ever saw like with

like machine guns. Yes, they're like what are they called? What are they called? What are those big... What are those guys called when you hire I can't think of the word. It's bothering me. Besties. There's a word for it's like what

a Russia will hire a group of militia and they're blanks. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Is it vigilantes? But they're cops though They're private security Bodyguards maybe But they're not allowed to be

Private security is not allowed to be armed with like Machine guns And guns and they're just Guarding Craigs No they have like one that has like a Grenades A rifle They were in the hotel this weekend When I was in They have like one that has like a... Grenades. A rifle. Yeah, a rifle.

They were in the hotel this weekend when I was in... Where was I? Baltimore. It's so sad. At the Hyatt. We walked in. There's two huge armed security guards at 11 o'clock at night at the Hyatt

at a really nice hotel. And I'm just like, what is going on? Is this because of looting? Everyone's getting robbed. But also, I went to a Ralph's. It's just a supermarket. And there was a guy like that.

I feel safer with it, to be honest with you. I feel great. I know that it's not like a good look, but I feel so much better. That we can't go to fucking grocery. Every grocery store, every place that anybody goes needs to hire a vigilante, machine gun uh army man it's not vigil it's private security a private vigilante who's out there on his own trying to get vengeance on the criminals yeah every supermarket needs batman standing by the front door just so that someone doesn't shoot up the place and how annoying is it like i think stores obviously lose a lot of money from having to deal with people shoplifting

and there being no consequences for it. Obviously, that is becoming a huge issue. But if something is locked up, I will not wait for someone to come unlock it. I will just not get the product. Yeah. I just don't get it. They wait. They lose so much money from just me not having the patience. Do you guys agree?

Like if something's locked up, you'll just get a cheaper version that isn't locked up. Let's get it on Amazon then. If I have to sit there and press that button and then listen to the loudspeaker go, help wanted in aisle seven. Because it's going to take at least 0.3 miles for them to walk over and help you. It takes for Noah to walk 0.3 miles. Nobody works there anyway. No one's working. If you have stuff locked up, you should have a person per aisle

that helps you, but they can't afford that. Here was my point about if they can't tell you, if someone at CVS is incompetent or if someone at... I understand that people need to get jobs to come up in life.

You know what I made this point about is Drybar when I went there and they burnt my hair and I walked out with like a flat, sad mess. I was like, what the fuck? And then I was like, they work at Drybar. Like, what am I, why am I expecting excellence from the McDonald's of a hair salon? And I should, because I paid $80 for that blowout, but that's because their prices are inflated. That's not because it's actually a good service.

Final thought. So when I'm in an Uber and I'm like, why is this guy, the dot is there. Why are you slowing down and trying to drop me off? You know, 800 feet from the dot because he's an Uber driver and it's not, he would might be doing, not that if you're an Uber driver and it's not, he would might be doing,

not that if you're an Uber driver, you're an idiot because not all Uber drivers are idiots, but sometimes that's all you can do. Yeah. Because you can't get a job elsewhere because you don't have the intelligence or the,

or it's different training. It's not like he's like concierge where like, you know, like you pay for like luxury where they don't talk to you and they drive you right to the spot and they open the door for you it's like different tiers but if you're an uber driver you should know how to follow a dot on a map it just should be a kind of

a requirement but it doesn't have to be because there's no real check to be an uber driver you just have to have a license now maybe this is something i should take up with the state to not give people licenses that can't follow a dot on a map. But also, why am I getting mad about it? He is making no money. He is not being compensated for his like, don't get mad at people that aren't being paid a lot. I'm not allowed to do that anymore. Yeah. Because no one's getting paid a lot.

Everyone's making, what is minimum wage now? Well, some places it's $15 an hour. That's not a lot. No. In today's society at all. No. You can't even get a salad for that much money. No.

Like a little salad you shake up. You have to work two hours to get a salad these days. You do. Yeah. It's ridiculous. And that's why tipping is so important. But it's also like we're not supposed to tip because that's the only way to get rid of a tipping culture. Europe does it better, right?

Because all we're doing is subsidizing billionaires so that they don't have to pay their fair wages. I tip 23% on every Uber Eats order. Well, yeah, we have to do it because it's not fair. But all we're doing is that money is going not to the workers. It's going to the billionaires who are saving money, who own the company, who are saving money, who own the company, who are saving money,

not paying fair wages. Large corporate ones. But I sometimes feel like there's nothing I can do about it. Am I supposed to just make this Uber eats, drivers starve because I want to stick it to the man? We're trapped. Yeah. Like, what do you do?

What do you do? You got to vote for Bernie Sanders Form a union Yeah well that's over and done with I ordered an Uber this weekend And I was Leaving I went to the USC homecoming Game this past weekend

Oh yeah that looked really fun I saw your pictures on Instagram Mine or Allie's I don't post any pictures Allie's sorry I don't post any personal pictures On Instagram if you want. Sorry. Oh, Jesus. I don't post any personal pictures on Instagram. If you want to see personal pictures. Okay, so it was literally impossible for me. You know that I saw Allie's. You don't need to be like, mine.

You know what I saw. How dare you say it was mine? We've met before. That is a we've met before. How dare you? You know what I'm talking about. They weren't yours. Yes, it was.

This is offensive to me personally that you would assume. No, I went to, so we ordered an Uber to get out of there That's what we've met before Don't you know we've met before me And so there was six of us We needed an Uber XL Okay We ordered an Uber XL

That's a little money for an Uber XL Six is a lot for an Uber XL I feel like you're pushing it what's i think it's like five six is gonna make him go oh okay so he's gonna be he's gonna get a two but it's okay how many what kind of car should show up if uber xl uber xl you should get an SUV XL. Okay, so guy shows up in a Tesla. A Tesla. Wait, what kind? A Tesla sedan.

No! And he has the front seat pushed all the way up. And then he's got the back seat somehow pushed up. And then there's like trunk space that I guess, I don't know what it is. Like a third row for little babies. And there were seats there. Did you all get in? No, four of us got in

The other two ordered another Uber Because we're like, this is not going to work You can't fit a human adult back here The lines are blurred for that XL bullshit Yeah And XL is like way more money But we're glad we got out of there Was the game fun?

It was one of the best college football games of the season USC lost but it was an amazing game to be at really exciting high scoring game. It was like 52 to 42 was the final score fun. Oh my God. Is that like a record? No, but it was a high scoring game and the two quarterbacks are also one of them is like the lead for the Heisman Trophy and the other one's probably gonna be the number one draft pick next year in the NFL. Exciting. You know, in USC homecoming. So there's there was like a bunch.

It was like a big fanfare. The band's great. The marching band is fantastic. Lots of celebrities, stuff like that. What celebrities? I couldn't tell you. Was it like Craig's? Oh, like, oh, so it was just people from reality shows on Netflix that you watch.

Lil Sweetie. I don't know. Like people like that Okay That's fun did you have good seats Where was it at The Coliseum and USC Yeah we had really good seats Allie went to USC

I went with Allie who's a USC alum And then her friend Dana Who you met at my wedding And her boyfriend Sean a USC alum, and then her friend Dana, who you met at my wedding, and her boyfriend, Sean, and then my good pals and yours, Rob Stern and Meredith Hackman. Did you paint your faces?

No. I wore a USC hat and a USC shirt, though. That's cool. I'm not a USC fan, per se. Was it cold? No, it's not. It was warm. Going to a college football game is really fun it is

it's just it's like a little bit more fun I'd say than an NFL game because the atmosphere of college students all there although they're all drunk and so excited whenever I see them it's one of my favorite things is to watch the crowd at a college football game because I'm just like that is the greatest time of life yes exactly nothing else matters except getting wasted yes

cheering on your team trying to get laid that night i'll run 100 maybe having a quiz the next day that you didn't study for but who gives a shit who gives a shit usc your parents are paying for everything and i know that's not everyone's experience. Don't get mad at me. But you're in a bubble. Life is so fucking good in college when you are a crazy kid that's whipping around your shirt at a college game and you're all packed in there

and you're all flirting with a bunch of girls and you're like drinking beer. I never experienced that because I would never want to because I don't like football and I don't like loud drunk boys screaming in my face. But if you're into that kind of stuff there's no better time of life oh yeah and I know we have to wrap but I wanted to ask you how was going to Kansas to do your show a return to it was fun it was that town it's so nice to be in Kansas because it makes you feel you're going to your college town makes you feel

young because the last time you were there you were young and so it made me feel 20 again I was like I feel exactly how I felt in my 20s like I know this feeling I was listening to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot on my on a CD driving around everything still like looks the same they do a good job in that town of keeping things looking the same and preserving this kind of cutesy college town atmosphere. I performed

at a center that was a place I'd never even been on campus. It's like the lead center. I did a joke that someone said, this is where Bob Dylan performed. I'm like, Bob Dylan performed here? And they're like, no, Bob Dole performed here. I'm like, what did he here? And they're like, no, Bob Dole performed here. I'm like, what did he play? It was Bob Dole.

Has been there before. Wow. And it was a Sunday night, and people really came out for the show, and that was really sweet. It felt great to be there, but yeah, it was really, I just, I love that town so much.

The hotel was not that great. I felt like I was a reporter, a journalist that was studying a crime on campus, and I was just visiting from the big city for a weekend. That's how I kind of interpreted being in that hotel, because it was so not good. Then I ended up leaving that night, and I went to my friend Kirsten's

house in Kansas City, so I didn't have to stay at the hotel. Did you do the Kirsten bit where you drove around going, yelling at the students? Mama's home! We did. Mama's home! We did. We Mama's homed a couple people, I think. Or we were, no, we were looking to Mama's home people, but we kept, because Britta, her sister was like, please do Mama's home.

So we were looking for, we're stalking the campus before my show. My show was at 730 and it was like 715 and we were driving around on the way there looking for people to scream Mama's home at. But we didn't do it because it was all individual people walking home and we didn't want to bully anyone it you have to have two people at least you have to have a friend to go was that person just say mama's home yeah so um yeah but mama came home and it was really fun i went to my middle eastern restaurant i worked at as a young person and visited that family and got delicious food. Aladdin Cafe, shout out. Massachusetts Street, Lawrence, Kansas. Sorry, I'm yawning. Okay, I got to go drive to Arkansas.

You guys, great show. Thank you so much for joining us. We will see you this weekend. I am going to be in Rehoboth, Delaware and Atlantic City. And then next week, I'll be in Tempe for two shows Thursday and Friday. Maybe it's like three or four shows, but two nights in Tempe, Thursday and Friday and then Portland on Saturday. I hope you guys can make it out to the shows. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast.

As always, I love you so much. Don't be cute and just walk a mile in Noah's shoes and take four hours to do it. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right.

I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast.

And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane lynch delaney rowe and cord jefferson listen to mini questions on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts seven questions limitless answers