The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #397 Fargo is Scary, Our Music Stats & Brian Goes To Jail

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

Nikki is two weeks shy of recording her newest special in Seattle, WA at the Moore Theater and she's got feelings about it! She tells Brian and Noa why a "slow hammer" from a scene in Fargo always scares her. Nikki's Spotify Wrapped will not be a surprise to Besties, but there sure is a lot to learn about Brian's. Could social media cause the end of the world? Nikki is on her way to Toronto, and she is not looking forward to going through hell, aka Customs. Brian shares a time he got arrested at the border. Nikki has been playing "You're Losing Me" by Taylor Swift and "Greedy" by Tate McRae on repeat with no regrets! Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. Before we get started, I want to remind everyone I'm taping a special in Seattle On December 16th

That's coming up in almost two weeks now In Seattle Oh shit Noah and Wow I was like what is that sound? It sounded like a broken dog toy I turned into a dog toy Halloween decoration

Yeah yeah it did Like a windy witch. Yes. You sound like a windy witch. Yeah. There's two shows on December 16th on Saturday. And I want Besties to go. Really want to populate the crowd with them.

I'm taping the special for a reputable... Yeah, I really want... I'm going to start my own cult. Triplet Flames. Yeah, and so there are tickets still available, I think, mainly to... There's single tickets. A lot of single tickets, I think, not a lot, but enough to the first show if you want to go alone

and then to the second show for sure. there's many and then um i have lots of shows coming up this weekend toronto um toronto wait toronto last time i was there i kept saying toronto and everyone was like it's toronto and i'm like well then tell your city spelling because there's an extra t in there and i like to hit it yeah toronto right but i'm going to say that in Toronto this weekend. Louisville. Louis, yeah.

Louisville, yeah. But that's like South. Like Toronto, you'd think Canadians would be meticulous about hitting every syllable. Yeah. Yes, exactly. I thought New York City. And then Toronto and then Munhall, Pennsylvania,

which is really very close to Pittsburgh. I don't know why all of my things say Munhall, because it's not helpful to literally anyone. It's not, like, I don't know the little cities outside St. Louis. So if someone was like, I'm coming to Munhall, Missouri, if that was nearby, I wouldn't know. And then I would just miss it. So that's Pittsburgh, if you're in the area.

And then Saturday in Detroit. And tonight at the Funny Bone. Detroit. Detroit. Detroit. And then, yeah, tonight in St. Louis. So I have four nights in a row, I think. How are you feeling?

How are you feeling two weeks ahead of your special? Exhausted. I am chronically tired. And it's not because of the special, I don't think. I'm just like, it's never enough. I always want to get back in there whenever I wake up, even if it's a nightmare. I want to get back in my nightmare.

I want to get back. I had a nightmare about Marilyn Manson had snuck me on a spaceship with a really hot blonde girl, and he snuck me on a spaceship oh yeah really hot blonde girl and he was making us make out and i really didn't want to and i couldn't find my shoes and i wanted to go work out it's a whole thing um wow wow i feel like who's marilyn manson is that chris me no marilyn manson i think is, I watched Fargo last night, the new season. Do you watch that? I wish I did, but I just can't.

I've never... What do you mean you can't? There's no reason why I haven't watched it. I heard it's amazing. It's right up my alley. Have you never watched it, like, ever in the history of... It's season five, I think. I've never watched any season.

I have only seen the movie Fargo, which is nothing like the show. Right. But I'm watching the new season and it's terrifying keely from ted lasso's in it but she doesn't talk like this oh shit she talks like you know oh yeah we gotta go get the groceries and oh my god it's snowing outside and everyone has this like really i guess it's the minnesota accent sounds fake especially when you expect the person saying it to sound very british yeah she's british right i think she's british as fuck man like but who knows maybe she's putting on that accent for ted lesser no i think

she's very british but she is nailing that accent and she's great in this and um but it's so scary there's this one scene in the first episode spoiler alert but it's not like it's early in the episode so i don't know if that counts as a spoiler i'm bad at spoilers i'm sorry everyone i know i ruin everything for you but like maybe this is the way you're supposed to hear it the first time and maybe you can have the same kind of shock that you would in this moment but it happens like within the first i I would say, 15 minutes of the episode, probably earlier. It happens within the first 15 episodes. Yeah.

We watched three episodes last night. It was a lot. But it's so scary. It's so, I would never be able to watch this alone. Never. What is scary? Is it like monster scary or like murder scary? It's murder scary.

It's like psychopath, mean people scary. Jon Hamm plays a really bad person and man does he play it well he does a better job of playing mean people than nice people which hmm wonder why um so read kathy griffin's book so um i uh read read his chapter it's also makes him three-dimensional because he presents himself like a nice guy And so when he's mean It really adds to the realism He's scary as fuck man

You don't want to get on his bad side That Don Draper That stern Don Draper That's why I think he's more like I think he is like Don Draper There's two sides to that guy But he is evil in this So scary.

He has his nipples pierced, which is weird. I don't even know how they fake that. You can't be good when you have nipples pierced. Yeah, that barreled chest with those nipples pierced. And then at one point,

he gets out of a tub and you know he notoriously has his pack in because we've, which is none of our business. But we've, but I. Like packing his gun or balls? Come on. Ham.

Jon Hamm's ham. Do you not remember all the pictures? He's got that ham bone. You don't remember this? I don't seek out Jon Hamm's... Neither did I, but they were everywhere. It was everywhere. Yeah, really.

Noah, do you remember? Yes. They're everywhere, but somehow... It's coming through your window right now. I see it. Why is it on your screen? Yeah, it's zooming in. Yeah, so he gets out of a hot tub.

Oh, hell yeah. He had to have had that thing tacked up because the way his legs are spread, you would be able to see it through the back. We only see a backside shot. Oh. Oh, yeah. spread, you would be able to see it through the back. We only see a backside shot. Oh. So the whole time I'm waiting for it to drop because like a wrap up. But then it never

does. Well, hot tub though, that's shrinkage. No, that's hot. Yeah, but a hot tub is hot, right? I know. Cold is shrinkage. I feel like it'll shrink either way. Well, that's your experience. We just learned something about you.

No, a hot tub makes it loose. Mine gets really big and cold. Wait. Whoa. Yes, I was saying. Wait, I was thinking the other day that like, because I'm talking about, in my set, I'm talking about like how your vagina vagina changes shape as you get older.

And gravity just takes hold of everything. And men must be excited about gravity for their dicks. When it gets older, it gets saggier. They must like the sagginess for their penis. I know not for your balls. That's probably annoying. The problem is the balls, which are outside our body, which is, I think, a design flaw. But I have heard tales that as you get older... Why would that be outside? which are outside our body, which is a, you know, I think a design flaw, but they do.

I have heard tales as you get older. Why would that be outside? Just to keep it cooler. It needs to be two degrees cooler so that the sperm stays alive. No way. Is that true? That's true. Yeah. Oh my God.

But you know, it's like, can't you just, you know, make the pelvic area love like grilling and like refrigeration stats like it's such a man thing to be like we got to keep it outside because like you guys love like taking food and putting it in different places to make it the best or like i don't know what i'm trying to say but okay no we're all about refrigeration plumbing but, I've heard tale that when you get older, your balls can sag

so low they hit the toilet water when you sit down. Oh, gross. Yeah, so luckily I'm not there yet. My poor toilet water. I know. Touching that sack. Yeah, I feel bad for the toilet water. I have a GoFundMe that's trying to change this. But mostly,

it just sucks because you'd have no control over it. You can't do Kegels for it or anything it's just sagging and i don't think isn't that nice though that you can't do anything it's just the way it is it's freeing that yeah your balls are gonna i like that you're gonna get older and your nose is gonna get bigger your ears are gonna get bigger your ball sack's gonna get bigger and i think your dick stays the same Which makes it a disproportionate Dadaist painting Oh yeah well it's gotta Dadaist painting It's gotta droop a little bit

Based on just gravity like when it's Soft it's gotta like sag more Yeah I mean I've seen some Which is a school I'm trying to get my kid Into Yeah I think I've seen You know it's hard to say because i've seen old man dicks before like in the gym locker room or something and i always think they're big whenever

i see one i think it's gigantic so maybe yeah that's the sag effect i've never like looked over at someone at a urinal and be like oh boy tiny dick that's tough for you i've always looked over every time i go and i peek over just to see what I'm working against. Against? Yeah, it's a competition. I've never seen one that I was like, oh good. This is a really small dick you have. It's always been like, whoa, how the fuck were you from Europe?

I always think they're from Eastern Europe or something. That's why their dicks are so big. I don't know why I think that. I wonder what that is about. Yeah. I don't know why I think that. I wonder what that is about. I don't know. Oh yeah, Jon Hamm. So Jon Hamm is in the show. He's evil. And then Kaylee is in it.

And I love Kaylee's teeth. If anyone knows what I'm talking about, Kaylee from Ted Lasso. She's got like these, she's got like a lip that goes over her teeth. and her teeth are like kind of look like they're like like they're you're doing this with your hands like when you do like cat hands and you're like like her teeth all go together but they're they're not like

crooked they i love her mouth i'm obsessed with it and even no her name is um it kind of looks like a temple it looks like kirsten's mouth yeah well sort of chris kept saying she looks like kirsten and i didn't see it so maybe that's true like there's just like yeah maybe it does have a little bit of there's like it's like a cat mouth she kind of has a cat mouth where it's like there's like the lips that go over like she looks like she's in the movie Cats you know like how everyone in that movie had like a but I love it I'm like obsessed with how when she like smiles

and it just like comes up it's not like most people smile when it's like gets big she just like lifts oh it's so good looking at a picture of her she looks like Jamie Lee she's so cute doesn't she look like Jamie Lee? Yeah, she does.

Who wrote for Ted Lasso. Right, for Ted Lasso. Yeah, so she's in it. And she, in one scene, is sitting in her TV room knitting. And it's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. She's watching TV. And she's watching scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. She's like watching TV and she's like watching this like Minnesota morning show. And she's kind of just like, oh, just like watching it and like kind of laughing along. And like you can tell she's a real simple lady.

And then all of a sudden this guy with like a burlap sack mask over his face, real tall guy, walks up. So this is during the daytime, which makes it even creepier for some reason walks up up to her window like you know it's like a full length almost door type window thing like right next to the tv and he's carrying a hammer and he's just very calmly looking at her and just walks up and it's just very slowly i don't like that. I want it to be fast. If you're going to attack to it fast. Yes. And so she is just like,

she's sitting there and she's just like, and he walked. Then he slowly starts pacing around to another window and he's standing there. And that's when I close my eyes and I go, Chris, I cannot handle this. You're going to have to pretend like I'm blind.

You're going to have to describe it to me. Chris dated a girl who was blind in the past. Who was going blind and she was going to be fully blind and I think he kind of liked it because it's like he loves to help. Yeah, he's a helper. I was like

I don't think it bothered him at all. I think he loved it. Like, I don't think he, if I told him, you know, those girls give those scenarios. Like,

what if I had no arms or legs? Would you still love me? There's a part of me that thinks Chris would like me more. Like it would be, he would be more there for me. He, he loves to help. Right.

So relationship goals. goals someday fingers crossed i get attacked by hammer so i am burying my face into the couch but not too much because i my couch is white and i always have broncher on my face so i like put a blanket then my face my fucking couch i can't even sit on my with my pure body because i always have tan that's gonna come off on it so i've never been able to like sit upon my couch so i'm hiding my eyes and i'm like chris you gotta describe the scene to me you got and he's not very good like he'd be a great blind boyfriend and like boyfriend to the blind and in terms of like helping getting my cane like getting things for me making sure sure. But he's got to step it up

if I'm going to go blind with show description because he's like, because then I will see the scene change because I'll see a flicker of light and I'm like, okay, now what? And he's like, oh, now the guy with the hammer is inside the house. I'm like, how did he get in? He's not telling me. So then I went over to him and I'm like, you've got to tell me

I'm your blind ex-girlfriend. Pretend I'm her. I know her name. And so now I'm like, pretend I'm her. And he's like, your tits need to be bigger. And so then I started inflating my tits and he was like, bigger, bigger. And then I got almost offended. I was like, wait, did your blind girlfriend have huge boobs? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, then I was like, I'm going over to the other side of the couch because I have small boobs I'm not even blind and I got like hurt meanwhile in the background Jon Hamm is

hammering this woman to death yes but she yeah she's a big part of the show so I knew she wasn't going to get hammered to death he didn't hammer but he but it's

so scary. Do you agree? So scary to see someone slow when they are ready to murder. Also, worst death imaginable? Hammer. Oh, God. Did you see the new Batman movie with Robert Pattinson? It's like a noir. Oh, of course not.

Okay. Well, there's a little bit of that hammer, slow hammer action in that movie not okay well there's a little bit of that hammer slow hammer action in that movie hammer slow hammer i mean this is really truly creepy uh slow hammer action the villain is played by the guy the the uh guy who played the young priest in there will be blood did you see there will be blood with, because it's also Slow Hammer action. Wait, no, no, no. That's the other one. There was There Will Be Blood,

and then there's the one with the cattle gun. Oh, yeah. God, what the hell was that movie called? It came out at the same time. Oh, No Country. Oh, No Country for Old Men. Those two movies came out at the same time, and it's like, what is going on in the world?

Yeah, that movie's all Slow Hammer. This year is crazy uh well yeah that both both had very there will be blood it's okay they do okay yeah well the you know no country for old man has one of like the most horrifying deaths of all time which is when he's impersonating the police officer he pulls over the person and he has the thing that shoots air into cattle's heads to kill them and he just says it's almost like the guy is going under a sobriety test and he says stand still and the worst part is he's just complicit and docile

and he stands there and he's like yes sir and just like that gone he drops down takes the car drives off there's a lot of deaths like that yes calm psychopath that's where that's when we started calling this guy a psychopath like we don't even know his name but i just keep going as this because that if he were like frantic we would just be calling him like the killer but

instead we're calling him psychopath because and i it was interesting to me because i'm like why is chris all of a sudden saying okay now the psychopath isn't i like, he made up that term because this guy is too calm. Yeah. Also, I watched an interview with a psychopath the other day that was really interesting. Like a real one? Yeah, it was Piers Morgan being interviewed. Nice. Piers Morgan, who I don't particularly like, but he was interviewing this child psychopath who killed his sister when he was 12.

And she was like six. And they were like, they had all this footage of them being like sweet brother and sister. And then he murdered his sister. It's Americans. He murdered his sister because he hated his mom. And he was going to murder his mom. But he decided the thing that would hurt his mom more is to murder his sister because it would not only take away his sister but it would also take away him

for prison for life and he wanted to hurt his mom as deeply as possible and so that was his reasoning because he was planning on murdering his mom but there's all this footage of them as kids and him being so sweet to his sister looking after her. Like you would think they were like the best. He was the best little brother in the world. So it's truly. And then Piers Morgan interviews him. And this guy's face just looks so like you've seen memes of this guy's face. It's fucking scary as fuck.

But I was so scared. I think that's why I had the Marilyn Manson dream last night. It's because of the hammer Time of just like scary looking calm murderers and yeah and so Fargo was terrifying Chris described it all to me it sounded terrifying at least oh my god

but it's really good I'm actually looking forward to watching more of it because we watched three episodes and I was like kind of had to twist my arm to walk it at first I really wanted to watch another doc that I, apparently there's this doc called like, The Truth of Love, or Love is the Way,

or Love is the, I forget what it is, but all of my friends on Girls Chat are freaking out about it, saying it's the most fucked up doc yet. So if you know what I'm talking, Robin Williams is involved somehow, I don't even know. What? I know. Why are you pulling him into this? But like, I guess they are making him some sort of profit involved somehow. I don't even know. I know. Why are you pulling him into this? But, like, I guess they are making him

some sort of profit or something. I don't even understand. But we're going to go to break and come back with more after this. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

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favorite, it's my favorite time of year. It might be my favorite day of the year. I think. Besides maybe like the day before Christmas. I really like the day before Christmas because it's like, you know, gooning for Christmas. But this day is pretty good. Yeah, yeah.

I guess they call it that. Yeah. You have a gooning day. Yeah. Gooning day. Yeah. Let it goon. Let it goon.

Let it goon. Okay. So today is Spotify wrapped. Oh, it is? Yeah. Did we let it goon okay so today is spotify wrapped oh yes do we get it do you have yours yeah i got it did you get yours do you listen to spotify of course i do okay and anya barely does it and i think she rolls her eyes at it because i think she is just like you know she's she's she's upset with spotify because she gets those checks for like spotify is makes people who have pandora feel so bad it's like having an apple phone versus having uh a droid yeah it's like i'm sorry totally this is better so if i switched art, I was an audio baby back in the day.

That's like, yeah, it's gone now, but I used to use a different service until spot. Then Spotify wrapped came out maybe the first or second time. And I was like, I can't miss this again. This is exciting.

I like finding out things about myself. This is like taking an Enneagram and like you're, and if you're someone who likes music, it's just so fun to see your data yeah and i know it's like they sell it all and they use it all against you but it's so i love spotify rep and i hate everyone being snarky about it i like people spotify reps i'm gonna go spotify people are so snarky about spotify they hate it because everyone is bragging about how cool their music tastes are or whatever.

And everyone who has lame music tastes or doesn't use Spotify wrapped are so or like uses Apple music are so jealous and they don't like it. But it's fun. It's fun and you are just open your mind to it. Be interested in other people. Find it. It tells

you so much about someone So wait let's hear your Spotify rap This is exciting because you're looking at it for the first time This is me I'm opening Spotify for the first time It has to take you through that whole fucking story I don't like how long the stories take This year you visited Seven countries with your music

And then it's And then the countries come up slowly And you're like I don't give a fuck where my music was yeah look at this bullshit hello you wow you hey brian you i can't read what that says brian you gotta tell us uh it's rap time 2023 was a feast for your ears you listened to 57 genres what i only listened to seven 57 i don't know now it's showing me a sandwich oh it's putting it together i know the sandwich graphic goes on for a bit the most you listened to was okay now look now it's showing you okay rap was number one i was just surprised

i guess i didn't really listen to a lot of rap at the end of the year because i was whenever i work out i listen to like hardcore rap to really pump me up. Yeah. Stuff from the Creed soundtrack or something. Okay. People there... Creed. Oh, it's not...

You don't listen to Creed. You listen to the Creed soundtrack. The Creed soundtrack with Michael B. Jordan. You play 2,000 songs, one really connected. It was the main theme from the dark night rises oh because i listen to that when i'm writing what it's like it's like it's like uh classical intense music i just listen to it what i do is i listen to it over and over again on repeat yeah okay so the main theme from the dark Knight Rises Is my number one song And then number two is

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing Stop Wait, what's that one? You make me feel like dancing I want to dance the night away That's the second most listened to That's not a good song When do you listen to that?

What are you doing? I think I used to listen to that every morning When I'd get up To make myself feel better about my life That's so cute what are you doing i think i used to listen to that every morning uh and when i'd get up to make myself feel better about my life that's so cute um and then get out of my way uh which is a rap song um that is really good for working out too and then a game of thrones soundtrack because i would listen to that when i was writing and then another a song from creed these are weird i mean this is like a weird mine tells me so i thought

it was going to tell me where i lit like what's where my music is from because it's like you'll listen all over the world it's where you what what city in the world you listened most like oh wow i feel pretty cool mine's cambridge massachusetts oh wow very smart baby wow i Cool. Mine's Cambridge, Massachusetts. Oh, wow. Very smart. Harvard, baby. Wow. I was just in Cambridge. Oh, yeah. Very smart. Mine is St. Louis, Obispo, which is where Apple is. Really?

I think that's where she's from. No, no, no. St. Louis, Obispo. That's Cupertino. St. Louis, Obispo is where Cal Poly is. Oh, yeah. So I'm a big Cal Poly guy. Okay. That's what I thought People there are far more likely to be fans of Duckworth, A$AP, Ferg and Dreamville Oh my god

Is this me really? My number one song Was released July 7th so I've only had Since July 7th to listen to it And I listened to it Did it tell you how many times you listened to that one song? Not yet.

I have more things to go through. What I really want to know for you... No, it should be the fourth slide. Oh, the fourth slide? Yeah, it'll tell you how many. Okay. You had room in your heart for more than one favorite, it says.

Oh. It doesn't tell me that I listened to one song. He's no Polly. Sorry, then that's the slide before that. You played 2479 songs in 2023 and there was really only one that connected Hans Zimmer. It's okay. This is your most played song. The theme for the Dark Knight Rises.

Wow. Okay. How many times? You played it 117 times this year. So not that many times. That. How many times? You played it 117 times this year, so not that many times. That's pretty many. Mine was you played 1,486 songs, which is way less

than you. Yeah. I have a lot more genres. And there's one that really connected, and it was Taylor Swift's I Can See You from the Vault, from Speak Now Vault. And I played it 112 times, which seems low to me since July 7th. But that was my favorite song to listen to on a treadmill.

And also in the shower for pretty much all of August and September. I was listening to that song when i showered it was i couldn't even i shower so fast i would barely get through the song but i just i would pretend that because it's a song about like when you like you're you are like having a crush on someone you can't be together and they in like everyone knows but like no one knows. No one can know. It's like my favorite kind of fantasy is when two people like each other, and they can't tell anyone, and it's super hot. Do you read romance novels? No. I feel like you'd get real horned up for a romance novel.

Yeah, maybe instead of watching all those crime docs. I know. People get hit with hammers while your boyfriend tells you your tits need to be bigger. You should be reading romance novels. Romance novels? No, by the way, Chris did confirm that I have the best tits that he could

imagine. And so that was nice. Exactly. Big does not equal good all the time. But yeah um but yeah i think romance novels for me are too saccharine and too like they're they they don't cause i've i've never been horny from i've read books where there's been like love interests like will they won't they and it doesn't do for me what certain scenes in movies. I'm a pretty visual person.

Did you watch like the first season of Bridgerton? Yeah, that was kind of hot, but it wasn't super hot. Like I made Chris watch this movie the other day, my favorite movie ever, the worst person in the world. It's a Norwegian film. And there is a scene,

this girl like cheats on her boyfriend. It's not the best movie to watch with your boyfriend and be i love this movie and the girl's like just cheating on him wildly but um wildly yeah like she just makes a decision and then goes for it and but it um it is so hot to me when two people really want to but they can't and they won't and they they'll do everything except it like oh I love it so much like if I were to role play with Chris it would be like us we're in relationships with other people and we're

like cheating with each other like that's and which is unfortunate because it's like it the thing that turns me on is like doing a like betraying someone I love it's like inherently in the the fantasy yeah but i i just like it and i can see you mental aspect yeah i gotta have all about the visual or about what's happening it's got to be the the mental aspect that leads up to

it well it's got to be that we can't ever be together because i'm scared of intimacy so i don't really want us to ever be together so my my dream is to never have a chance to actually be with you i don't know why i don't have more crushes on people in prison yeah because that's the ultimate i can't be with them well have you ever read there's a really horned up book called uh romeo and juliet that one can't be together at all i think that all. I think that's what fucking did it to me. Oh, yeah? Is that movie in eighth grade. It's got everything you love. It's got unrequited.

It's got love you can't have. It's got suicide. It's got teen suicide. It's got a fish tank. It's got kissing in a pool. It's got- Murder. Suicide.

Yeah. I love it. I loved everything about that movie. It's that. I think that really did affect my brain to today. To what it is today. I was talking about the play. Yeah.

I have never heard of it, but there's this movie that I really liked. Baz Luhrmann wrote this movie. Did you watch the Ben Affleck, Anna de Armas movie, Deepwater that came out last year? Yeah. Yes,

I did. Did that horn you up? That was, no, because she like, he knew she was cheating on him and so it's not fun like he knew he was being cucked and that's no fun like i need them to be like getting away with it yeah yeah well i've never cheated on anyone by the way so this isn't i've been a part of being i've i've been with men who are cheating on their girlfriend

and that sorry has turned me on in the past i hate to say it but i've never've been with men who are cheating on their girlfriend and that sorry has turned me on in the past i hate to say it but i've never i don't i don't know what i don't like the idea of i guess i yeah i just like when two people like they wish they could be together and like if circumstances were different we would but we can't like that is so hot to me like if this dumb woman didn't exist like it would be us because that is so many times like think of how many shows you root for a person who's cheating on his girlfriend to be with the girl but then in real life we go how dare she that's the he's such a fucking scum but in friends i've made this point before but it's so funny how we pick and choose like a man who cheats is a fucking dog and then we go like god ross leave julie go for rachel

every single plot to every every um you know oh ross Rachel. Yeah, Pam, go for Jim. Pam, go for Jim. Meg Ryan, leave Greg Kinnear. Meg Ryan, leave Bill Pullman. Go for Tom Hanks. Like, every single time we're rooting for people to cheat. Well, we just want Meg Ryan to break up with people. That's really the...

Maybe that is what we really like. It's just great to see her breaking up with someone. Yeah. Okay, I had room in my heart For one more favorite You romantic you, oh god, I hate when An EdBot talks to you Like it's your friend

No thank you, Spotify, just tell me what I need to know My top songs were I Can See You By Taylor Swift Number two, which I predicted On my Instagram story, I thought this was going to win my Spotify rap

because I was so obsessed with it. Not Strong Enough by Boy Genius. One of the best songs ever. Number three, You're On Your Own Kid, which came out last year. I don't know that

if it made Spotify rap last year because it came out in late October last year, so it probably didn't make it. Lavender Haze, Taylor Swift. And then number five uh the national new order t-shirt which is one of my favorite songs of all time too and i really got

into that probably two months ago i was like listening to it on repeat for like two songs and then three others three swift two others well what i'm really interested in this is probably your point of pride is what percentage of Swifties you're in. Did it do that this year? Oh, yeah, it did. Okay. Well, that's the headliner of this little segment. What percentage are you in?

I'm happy to tell you that I am in the 1%. Oh, my. Seriously? Yes. I made it to the 1%. My peak listening month for Taylor was October. Yes, I'm very excited to tell everyone I did make it in the top 1%. And then Taylor Swift also made a special message for all the people who listened the most.

On Spotify? Yeah. Oh my God. She's backstage in her lover outfit from tour. And she did a special note. But yeah, I got 1%. Amazing.. Oh my God. She's like backstage in her lover outfit from tour. And she did a special note, but yeah, I got 1%. Um, which I'm very happy about.

Thank you. Although I do, there are people that are going to get, I mean, I've been in the Taylor Swift subreddit and it's like girls are in the 0.1%, 0.02%. I mean,

it will give you like all the way up to that. So it's not, it's pretty good because Taylor Swift is the most popular artist on the planet next to Bad Bunny, which I don't, I couldn't name one song, but honestly, Bad Bunny. I mean, I know it's not in our language, so that's probably, but I couldn't even recognize the sound of Bad Bunny and that's on me. Is it rap? I should have watched his SNL.

That is a great question and I don't know. I don't know the answer to it. Wow. But yeah, it feels good to be in the 1%. It's an exciting day. I really thought I wasn't going to win because she's gotten so popular over the past year. I thought, there's no way I'm going to make it in the 1%. I don't listen all the time.

There are Swifties that leave their phones on constantly because of this moment. They want Spotify wrapped 0.01 and so they're gonna get it i wasn't trying and i got in the one percent so i'm pretty proud of that i wonder if i'm in the one percent of hans zimmer listeners probably the only percent you're 100 of hans zimmer listeners you are the only one that listened to Hans Zimmer. Speaking of listening to something when you're working, when I'm writing, I feel like the best music is something you don't know the words to fully.

Or there can't be any words. Yeah, instrumental, I would imagine. Yeah, that's true. I, for some reason have liked stuff that i don't really know the full words to but i'm like wanting to learn the words too but i'm not focused on it too much and so the other day i got obsessed with this song that i've only heard on tiktoks really okay up until like i guess it was two weeks ago I was in where was I? I was in Portland

which I called Seattle from stage by the way. It was so embarrassing. I was in Portland and on stage I called them Seattle. But then I go what's the fucking difference? And they laughed. It's raining outside. It's cold.

It feels amphibious outside. You guys are all wearing marmot jackets. Come on. And I go, I said Seattle because I'm taping a special there. I'm sorry. I felt so bad because I would be so pissed if someone came to St. Louis and was like, Kansas City,

what's the difference? And I made a joke of what's the difference. Obviously, I was trying to be funny, but I felt I couldn't get it out of my head. The rest of my set, I was just so embarrassed, so sad, wanting to make it up to them. I felt like I owed them refunds for their tickets. It was like this weird

shame spiral I went into. I was in Portland and I was writing all day working on my special before my show at a Starbucks. In my headphones, I was playing um this new this song I'd only heard on TikToks or like on reels or repost because I don't go on TikTok and I I always have to just say that because people are gonna be like she's lying she is on TikTok but I really and I'm not I am kind of proud of myself for it because it's like

try it's like trying not to vape when you have a vape on your phone um and i think it's i think tiktok is true like it's the it's the number one app that everyone spends the most time on i think now it's yeah tiktok is i think the one that's the biggest time suck i saw some graph recently and i think it's the number one that everyone's losing their life killing teenagers right i just i think it does have the most views. It definitely has the... It's the most views, but it's not the most substantial viewership. It doesn't really mean as much

what people do on TikTok as it does on Instagram. That's what I'm saying. It's hell what they're doing. They're not even getting anything out of it. I mean, maybe some people are, but... Brain damage. But there's this one song. Wait, are you on TikTok now? Do you ever go on? No.

No. Really? I want to abstain from it. I wish I didn't go on any social media like Instagram. Yeah. That's it. Instagram, you do do. I do do. And then how often do you do that? Probably like through the day especially when

i'm bored or like waiting for audio to render i just scroll through okay and you don't you don't do it youtube ever uh not unless i'm looking for like a podcast or like a particular thing i used to not be a youtuber either like i'm like why do people just go on youtube and just like let videos roll into each other like you just what do you do like i only like why do people just go on youtube and just like let videos roll into each other like you just what do you do like i only go to youtube to like look up a certain video but now that i'm subscribed to certain things and it knows what i like like i can go on the the home thing and it's it's serving me up stuff i like youtube has the best algorithm it knows what you want to watch before you even realize you want to watch it truly and what's great about youtube is that it's longer form content so like if you're on instagram

or tiktok you have to constantly be interacting with your phone whereas like if you're cooking or something and you just want some quote-unquote content to be playing you can just hit play on a 20-minute youtube video and it's just someone talking or whatever sometimes it's the nikki glazer podcast on youtube but other times it's just video and it's just someone talking or whatever. Sometimes it's the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube, but other times it's just like, whatever. It's just can be anything. And it's just background noise.

Most of the time that you don't have to keep interacting with, which is why TikTok is flawed because you have to like constantly touch TikTok in order for it to keep serving you content. Or also I'll just show you the same 30 seconds on repeat over and over again. Can I ask a question? And I want i want i someone's got to help you guys don't do tiktok so i don't think you'll know the answer to this i do tiktok you do okay why on tiktoks when a girl is like telling a story or whatever do they constantly like have to touch it like after they go like okay i'm telling a story they're like and then he went? Like after they go like, okay, I'm telling a story and they're like,

and then he went there and then they touch again. And then it like goes to the next, like why, why can't they just tell the whole story and then edit it later? Why do they keep touching it? I mean, it might be the in-app editing software that they're using, that they're touching it to, to stop and start.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Like, I hope someone listening knows what I'm talking about. She'll be like, so I went to the store today. And you know, I usually take Gracie to the market around 11 a.m. Click. So, then we go and it's like, just tell the story

and stop. And then why do we have to watch your arm go in for the click every time? Cut around that. That's why I'm annoyed. If it's an editing thing, cut around your arm clicking on it. Does it jump cut? Is it like an intentional jump cut it's it's a it's a jump cut to the next thing but they don't take out their arm touching the thing like that's a part of it so we got to watch your arm go in to press on the phone each time it's so annoying i don't get it we sound like such boomers right and we're like we don't know who Bad Bunny is

And why is it on TikTok They touch it all the time I will say Bad Bunny is probably A prolific and amazing musician He's like the Pele of music And I just have never heard I don't know He's messy

He's bigger than anyone I could ever imagine But I'm somehow out of it I am a loser for that But this TikTok thing I am not an old person He's bigger than anyone I could ever imagine, but I'm somehow out of it. I am a loser for that. But this TikTok thing, I am not an old person. It's just a waste of everyone's time to see your arm stretch forward to touch the thing. I don't get it. That's why they get passed by.

Lionel Messi, by the way, number one amount of followers on Instagram. He has the most out of anybody. It doesn't surprise me anymore. It used to because I was just like, who is this and why? Soccer. But now I get it. Soccer is everything. Did you know who Lionel Messi was?

Noah, you look confused. I thought he was like a tennis player, but soccer makes sense. He does sound like a tennis player. Can I return to the spotify rap real quick yeah what do you got so uh so my top artists are uh the guy who made the game of thrones soundtrack and then han zimmer and then billy joel and then louis prima and then lindsey sterling is number five i don't know who that is i do who is that she's a violinist i was on a show

with her once on the han zimmer song or something that i wasn't you have someone you don't even know i don't even know and then it says um hold up there's someone on the other line and it's like oh who's it gonna be and then it's a video from lindsey sterling and she's thanking you for listening to her i don't even know who this is you don't even know but she is You don't even know why But she's got a cute chihuahua, that's something It kind of looks like your dad, Jack It does look a lot like Jack

That's so funny that you don't even know I guess I like Lindsey Stirling, but I don't even know who that is She likes you My Spotify rap is not Not only sent to like four people You're one of them I mean, I'm surprised they were able to get lindsey sterling to do a video can i just say about the youtube algorithm i get sent like i

will see myself pop up on there all the time i don't watch anything of myself but they're the other day the something it's so embarrassing because my own podcast has like 4 000 views at most but then i will there will be a clip that's like theo vaughn talks to these women it's like the other day it was a clip that just said theo vaughn talking to women and my face was on like the cover of it and it had like 600 000 views it was posted an hour ago it was like what the fuck like yeah it is just so out of control how much i i don't understand what's going on over there yeah i mean that the the numbers on youtube are shocking it doesn't make any sense and then it hurts my feelings yeah it doesn't make sense that it's that low because

we know for a fact that there's more than uh three thousand people there's substantially more than three thousand people that listen to this podcast and yes on youtube the numbers are so incredibly backwards it doesn't make any sense like there are there are shows i want to give it a view but i don't want to see a comment so i can't give it a view because it'll the youtube comments are the only ones i actually read. The YouTube comments are actually pretty cordial and friendly. Oh, that's good. Let's keep it that way, please. Maybe that's why we don't want our numbers going up. That's when they start getting mean. But it is

shocking that, well, so for Theo Vaughn, it's the subscriber base. He already has however many millions of YouTube subscribers and we just don't have that subscriber base yet. And I don't know why Nikki Glaser besties don't use YouTube as much as they will listen to a podcast,

but it's just a fact. Yeah. Throw us a sub on YouTube. It would mean a lot. Even if you don't use your YouTube account a lot, just go give us a sub. Why the fuck not? It would mean a lot. Even if you don't use your YouTube account a lot, like just go give us a sub. Like why the fuck not? It would be awesome.

And then like thumbs up our videos when you do go on there and see it. Like just throw us a thumbs up. It hurts you not at all to subscribe to someone on YouTube, especially if you don't use it because it's not like Instagram. It could hurt them.

What if their phone's cracked and their thumb hits the crack and it slices it as they're subscribing yeah okay so you don't have to do if your phone's cracked you don't have to do this okay yeah yeah if you have a good phone uh yeah it hurts you not at all because when you subscribe to something on youtube it's not like instagram where it shows how many people you're following and it's like oh it's so embarrassing i have i'm i don't have as many followers as I am following. You can subscribe to a million YouTube channels and no one will

know. Oh, that's a good point. And not that anyone would want to hide that they're subscribing to us. What a shameful thing. Yeah, that'd be amazing if you go do that right now. And then we'll see you back here after the break. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Okay, we're back. Going to Canada tomorrow? Yeah, going to Canada tomorrow. Yeah. Going to Canada tomorrow. I always get nervous to go to Canada because you have to go through customs and they get mad at me, but I feel okay about it this time. I don't know.

And I got to remember my passport, even though I've never forgotten it, but it's just like, it's that's weighing on me. And just, I don't know. I just, I got a lot of anxieties about going up there and what they're gonna,

how they're gonna, just going through. I just don't like customs. I really think that I would, if it were up to me, I'd never leave America again because I'm so scared of customs and it gives me so much. It's like Taylor with the sucker thing at the dentist. It doesn't make sense, but customs

take too much time. The line is always too long.'s too windy then you have to go in you have to get your bags then you have to show like a little piece of paper to the guy as you leave with your bags and that guy you always feel like is going to detain you they're always mean there's too many chances for detainment yes and they're always mean and i don't like it but i am excited to go to toronto especially when you're returning well when i was back from Australia, when I was leaving Australia,

they interviewed me and they're like, do you have any fruit? I can't do an Australian accent, but they ask you all these questions like, do you have any fruit? Did you bring a boomerang? And you said, all I have is a boomerang.

I bought a boomerang from an indigenous man. And they're like, well, that's going to be fine. Oh, I thought you were going to be, that's going to be fine. Yeah. But I did get detained at the border when i went to montreal i i was uh because i have a criminal record for uh when i was in college and i i got caught underage drinking and so god yeah they i was did they like bust up a party and like write you all tickets yeah well um it's it's embarrassing because i had my brother's uh expired learner's permit that uh and i i gave it to a cop and he said well now you're

going to jail because you tried this bullshit and so he took me i actually have a bit about it uh that i tell but he took me to jail i was dressed dressed like the Fonz from Happy Days because I was at a Halloween party. God damn it. Yeah, but years later, I'm going to Canada and they detained me at the border. I almost said border like a Canadian. Wait, you took a picture like a mugshot as the Fonz? No, no mugshot.

I went into the drunk tank, so they didn't take a mugshot. Oh, got it. Okay. Damn. Drug tank overnight dressed up as Fonz. Overnight? Fuck. But I was detained at the border, and

the Canadians were like, they kept me there for like an hour in the border crossing, and they looked up my criminal record, and they said, what were you arrested for? And I was like, underage drinking. And then they were like, how old were you? And I was like, I was 20 when they arrested me and they drink at 18 and they're like oh it's 18 here so who cares get on in yeah then they let me in have a little bot blue yeah but i was afraid at

the i was sitting there for an hour oh yeah they were like investigating me and i was like really yeah i got i got things expunged from my record. And every time I go through, I go, was it expunged? Well, so mine was supposed to be expunged. I went to all the classes. That's why they don't expunge everything. It's not really expunged. If you're a different government, then you can find out. Like, oh, the American government expunged it.

But it's not like other foreign governments aren't going to be able to do their research. They don't have anything to do with us. Right. Like, if Russia wanted to find out if I got a ticket, they're going to find out. I don't think you could go to Canada if you have a DUI. If you've had a DUI in America.

How do they even have access to that? I'm just kidding. I love Canada. I don't know. The database, man. It's all in the cloud. Because it's on your Instagram maybe. Don't post your mugshots on Instagram. No, I. It's all in the cloud. Because it's on your Instagram, maybe. Don't post your mugshots on Instagram. Oh, yeah. People. But no, I think that's all they have access to that

stuff. So it's like a global database? I guess. They're all sharing information and they have their ways. Yeah, it's... But I'm excited to go there because the girl that is opening for me, Noor Hadidi, she is like she's a Swifty and so we're gonna Swift the fuck out.

Oh, cool. Go pretty crazy. Cause we get, we get into some pretty intense stuff and I'm very excited. Cause Taylor finally put on Spotify, this new song that was only on this like special target edition of her album. It's called you're losing me.

And she wrote it about her boyfriend who like they clear it's a midnight're losing me and she wrote it about yeah her boyfriend who like they clear it's a midnights it's an extra midnight song and midnights is a breakup album even though there's lots of songs about joe being like oh i love him so much but like we all know now as a breakup album because now they're broken up and like obviously when she was writing that album it was the beginning of the end because no one breaks up immediately when they're ready to break up it's like takes a while especially when you're in a seven-year relationship so the song you're losing me is so good and it's all about like he's not he she's like how do you how do you not even under how did you not see the signs coming how is this surprising to you you like kind of you were

um like wait let me look at the lyrics because they're so good um but i'm so glad it's finally released because i was only able to listen to it on like weird tiktoks before yeah like a target specific album like when starbucks has an album kind of no well there's like special releases she only does through target that have like certain vault tracks. So the lyrics are, you say, I don't understand. And I say, I know you don't, which is like, that's like such a, I love that line because it's like how many breakups when someone's like, I don't understand. And the person's just like, can you imagine the person saying back to you?

I know you don't. Like, there's no like, sorry. There's no me being like, well, it's because of this. It's just like saying, I know you don't. I'm done with you. You don't need to. We're done. She said, we thought a cure would come through in time.

Now I fear it won't. Remember looking at this room? We loved it because of the light. Now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time. Do I throw out everything we built or keep it? I'm getting tired even for a phoenix, always rising from the ashes, mending all her gashes. You might just have dealt the final blow.

And then she says, stop, you're losing me. Because she's kind of like, you can tell she's in an argument. She's like, stop, you're losing me. And I also like, you're losing me because it's something you say to someone over the phone where you're like, you're losing me. I can't hear you. But it's like, she's like, and then she says, I can't find a pulse.

My heart won't start anymore for you because you're losing me every morning i glared at you with storms in my eyes and this is the line i like how can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying she's like i've been this relationship i've been dying in and you don't even notice how can you say you love someone that you can't tell is dying i I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick. I don't know what the quick means, but I'm guessing like the blood. Like I bit my nails. Like I sent you signals.

I've like constantly being nervous. I seem very upset. My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick. And the air is thick with loss and indecision. I know my pain is such an imposition. Now you're running. Now you're running down the hallway and you know what they all say. You don't know what you got until it's gone.

And then, yeah. Wow, it's like so Shakespearean speaking of. Yeah. The bridge is, how long could we be a sad song till we're too far gone to bring back to life? I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy. And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier fighting and only your army front lines. Don't you ignore me? I'm the best thing at this party. So he's obviously they're at a party and she's like, I'm right here. You're talking to everyone else. I'm the best thing at this party. You're losing me. And then

this is the best. And I wouldn't marry me either. A pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her. And I'm fading thinking, do something, babe, say something. And this is the part where she's like, he had a chance. She's like, do something, babe, say something, lose something, babe, risk something, like lose,, take a fucking risk. Don't look cool. Try to fight for me. Choose something, babe. I've got nothing to believe unless you're choosing me.

So he never chose her. And so she's like, peace out. What up, Trav? And now she's Travis Kelsey. And the song rules. So yeah, check out You're Losing Me. It's the new song for Taylor Swift's – it's on Spotify now. Too late to get it unwrapped though. And then the other song I'm obsessed with real quick is that I was going to say is the

only one I've been hearing on TikTok is – you probably heard it. I would want myself. Baby, please believe me. I'll pull you through hell. Do you know what I'm talking about? No. It's in so many TikToks. You would know it if I was playing it,

but it's called Greedy by Tate McRae, and she was on SNL last week. And it's so weird because I listen to the song every single, like I listen to it probably, it's going to be my Spotify rap next year. I listened to it like a hundred times one day and it's only two minutes long. So it's really short.

And then all of a sudden that night when I was in Portland, she was on SNL that night. I was like, this is so weird. It's all lining up. She's an amazing dancer. She's so hot. Coincidence. What do you mean?

One of the main thing, one of the main purposes of TikTok is to get musicians exposure. If a TikTok sound goes viral and it's in all sorts of people's TikToks. I know, but I was hearing it on TikTok for months before I go, I got to put this in

and see what the fuck this song is. Yeah. It was months. It was weird that it all lined up perfectly. You were programmed. You were programmed. I feel cool. I feel part of the zeitgeist. You're part of the zeitgeist, but it's all corporate meddling.

Still don't know who Bad Bunny is. They probably made that song, specifically had a hook in it that would be good for TikTok. But you gotta watch Tate McRae's video for Greedy. It's so fucking hot. It has been so long. I played Chris a video, and we were like, we both agreed it's been so long since we had a hot pop star, like a Britney Spears.

I was going to say J-Lo. Tate McRae. M-C-C. No, M-C-R-A-E. McRae. And it's called Greedy. She's Canadian. It's all at a hockey rink. And the way she moves

her body, she's an amazing dancer. I think she started out as a dancer. She's been dancing her whole life. She's only, I think, 20 years old. Maybe 19. But she is so confident. She is so cool. I love her dance moves. She is so sexy. It would have been inappropriate for me to say that she's so sexy three years ago, which is weird.

But now you can say it. And just the way her body bends and the way she dances and her face, she just is cool. It doesn't look like she's trying too hard, even though there's so many scenes where her body is contorted in all these ways that you're like, whoa. Chris even goes, she's shaking in that contortion right there. She's obviously trying hard. I'm like, no, she's so cool.

She's obsessed. I mean, it looks like she's a former ballet dancer. She's legit dog. She's like, and this song greedy is so good. And I guess she has some other ones that are even bigger, but it's,

it's my new favorite song. Okay. We got to go. Thank you for listening to the show. I'll see you this week in Toronto, in Pittsburgh, Detroit. I'll see you this week in Toronto, in Pittsburgh, Detroit. I'll see you next week in Brea, California. I'll be there with Brian at the Brea Improv.

And then in Spokane, Washington on the 14th. And then for my special taping, December 16th in Seattle. And then if you're in the Denver area, I'm going to be New Year's Eve Eve and New Year's Eve at the Paramount in Denver. Get your tickets now at NikkiGlazer.com. Also, just released tickets for tomorrow

they go on sale. They're on pre-sale now. Use code GOOD. But for St. Louis, Kansas City, and Atlanta for 2024 dates, you can check those at NikkiGlazer.com. Use code GOOD right now. Tomorrow they go on sale for everyone. But pre-sale, yeah, tomorrow, Friday. But today they are on a pre-sale.

Use code good for Atlanta, St. Louis and Kansas City, which I'm so excited about. All right. The sun has stopped shining in through the window. So maybe we can start over. Yeah. Go look at our YouTube video of this one. This lighting is perfect right now. Brian looks like an angel.

It just got perfect It was like hellish before You were going to be burned later on You're going to look like you have eczema With all the different spots Not that that's a bad thing to look like Try Resulti Ask your doctor about Exulti

Is it just me or are there tons of eczema commercials There's a lot Eradicate it with medication I've never once seen eczema commercials? Oh, there's a lot. They're trying to eradicate it with medication that could kill you. I've never once seen eczema and gone, ew, that person's disgusting. If you have eczema, it's okay. But, you know, try the meds. But, like, if you do have it, I also don't care. And I love you.

All right. I love everyone. Thank you so much. Don't be cucked. And just get to get to see me in town. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines,

exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.