The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #4 Inside Jokes

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

Nikki explains how much she loves that she technically got to joke with Will Ferrell. Andrew talks about a sting out in his nether region, they cover a sexy kiss in the headlines, introduce a new segment called The "Blankest" Thing I Ever Did and explain why movies need to try harder in the final thought.Share your grossest moment with the show by emailing [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more.

Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same,

our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour,

tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki.

Yeah, here I am. Thank you, producer Noah in Arizona. Hey, guys. How are you today, Noah, by the way? I'm good. I've gotten some messages that people are singing this song all day long. I love that. I heard that as well um i've got we've received some listener emails that i was going through last night and i really uh

appreciated people writing in and saying how much they enjoyed the episodes and yeah i mean like it's it's a lot of emails to go through and so i don't know if i will go through them all but we all have the the password password and account so we can all read them. And some people sent in ideas for us. Love, love, love. And no criticism that I saw, you know, which so far I've avoided any criticism about the show, which is my favorite thing to do. I wanted to also say just not only thank you as we're rounding out the week here it's thursday between you and me i have had a great first week i'm almost sad that i don't get to do this show

tomorrow and the next day the next day which is a great sign for a new job you know that you you don't want the weekend to come uh you know for a day, first week on the job, people have seemed to just accepted the podcast into their hearts already. And they're just, the enthusiasm is just, I feel it too, you guys. So thank you so much. And to those of you who are apathetic and are just like, it's just a fucking podcast. Thank you as well. Cause it is just a fucking podcast, you know, but it's, it's really fun for me and, and I'm enjoying all of it. And, and I want to say thank you to I heart, uh, radio and big money players, who is the podcast network we are on that is headed by Will Ferrell, which allowed me, afforded me the

chance to have a, a, a kind of interaction with him through a press release, right? Noah, like I, I wrote a quote that being a part of Will Ferrell's company and being asked to be a part of Big Money Players was like finally getting a seat at the cool table in middle school in the cafeteria, except this time I didn't have to smoke cigarettes or buy $500 worth of clothing from Delia's or something like that which was just a in in uh andrew saw that and goes i don't know what delia's is and i go you don't have to know what it is i go but the fact that you don't know what it is when you read that don't you just realize like oh that's that's a reference that some people get and i don't get you don't think

i'm stupid for right when because i sometimes question that when i make a reference that I know only 30% of the population will get, I expect the other 70% of the population to just assume that's a joke they don't understand because it's a reference. Not that I am making, that I don't make sense. You know what I mean? No, do you know what I mean? Because sometimes Andrew goes, I don't know what that is.

And I go, but don't you just assume you're out like you should know and maybe you could Google it and it would be funny to you that this is a joke you're not in on yet as opposed to she just said a word that isn't a word because I only know the world from my perspective and don't consider that other people could know things I don't know yeah that happens to me all the time because I'm really bad with uh pop culture deep references and pop culture yeah So it's up to me to go look it up. So Delia's, he goes, is that Chris D'Elia? I'm like, why would I in middle school be accepted to a table if I smoke cigarettes

and ask my mom to buy me $500 worth of clothes from Chris D'Elia? Why would that make sense? Why would, you know, like that's not where you go with that joke. Anyway, so that's the statement I made and then Will Ferrell um had to also make a quote for our press release because I'm part of his network and he it it referenced that line do you have Noah could you read it to me I have it I

read it once and I couldn't read it again because I there are times when I meet celebrities or have an interaction with a celebrity I don't want to like I don't want to like see it again. I just want to like know that it happened. And like, because if I analyze it, I'll poke holes in it. And I just want to live in an experience of the fact that I know that Will Ferrell was making a joke off of the joke I made. And it felt like I was doing comedy with him. So please read it. Okay. We are thrilled to have the wildly talented Nikki Glaser join us at the big money players network. But in order to do so, she will have to smoke cigarettes and purchase her wardrobe from dealing with

spring collection. Oh my God. I love it so much. First of all, I totally did not read wildly talented when I read that so fast. Cause I just read it so fast. Cause I was like, cause I know what, because I,

you know what, you know this about me as someone who has made, you have made me, you made me a birthday video the first year that we were friends. You got people, so this is,

and I almost brought this up last week in the worst gift, but I didn't want to make you sad because it's not a worst gift. It's just an, it's just an interesting example of something that I, one would think I would like

and I don't like because people do this for me all the time. You're not the only one and it is the greatest gift you can give someone i think one of the best birthday gifts that doesn't cost any money if you have any you can learn editing skills to make this happen is to reach out to all of their friends and have them say a birthday message and then put it together in a video i think that's such a great idea and i i just love it I love it even for myself, but when it is extended,

when is it, when it is extended to celebrities who I don't have a personal relationship with and they are just asked that like, you know, they're asked politely, like, could you make a birthday shout out for Nikki Glaser? And they maybe have a vague understanding of who I am,

or maybe they, maybe they do know who I am and you don't have to explain it. But the fact that they had to be inconvenienced in any way to acknowledge my existence when they didn't want to do it on their own volition. And I know so many celebrities are nice and just do things out of like, they're, they're just like bad at saying no. And I'm just projecting. Cause I'm, I used to be bad at saying no to things I don't want to do. Now I'm very good at it. Short story. That's a tangent and i'll get back to this Last night the wardrobe woman, um that I work with on set. She's more of she's like this just lovely motherly

ethereal Perfect human being that I i'm so grateful to like be able to have around me while i'm here because you can work with Some real turds when you just get randomly with people She's so great and she I don't have a laundry. I don't have laundry at the hotel. I don't have a washing machine in this place. And so she offers to do my laundry, which is not part of her job. This is my like normal clothes. And she washes tenderly folds my underwear. Like, you know, like I would send out for laundry in New York. And last night she goes, I was leaving set and she goes, well, you put your laundry outside your door. I want to do it for you. And I go, please don't like it's, it was, this was 12

o'clock at night. I'm like, this is unnecessary, Julie. She's like, I like doing laundry. And I was like, okay, I believe you. And then she came to get my laundry as I'm putting it out. And I go, I'm sorry. It's so much, this is like too much. You want help carrying it back? She goes, I don't ask to do things that I don't want to do. And I go, thank you for saying that. Because she's like, you have to stop being like, I'm sorry. And you don't have to do this. If I didn't want to do it And I go, thank you for saying that. Because she's like, you have to stop being like, I'm sorry. And you don't have to do this. If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't do it. And I was like, Julie, I'm that same way as well. And I'm so glad that there's someone else out there who has the same kind of boundaries where even if you love me, you can tell me no. I'm not going to love

you less if you tell me no. And she understands that. She looks out for herself before she looks out for people who she wants to like her, essentially. So for me, I think of celebrities as being inconvenienced and then that they don't want to... I mean, I even have problems asking celebrities to be on these shows where they get press, let alone a birthday video. So when someone has to... So when you gave me a video for my birthday, you had Seth Rogen and Glenn Howerton and... Ricky Gervais. And Ricky Gervais.

Ricky, I didn't mind as much because Ricky... Why didn't I mind him as much? Because I know Ricky, and I feel like Ricky enjoyed that in a way. I feel like Ricky had fun with it. Whereas the others, I was like... And Ricky's it whereas the others I was like and Ricky's just like so I don't know why Ricky didn't bother me as much but the other ones I was like oh no Seth Rowland Seth Rogen's pretty like I'll do yeah sure yeah maybe Glenn Howard loves you I know he

there was just something that was like oh no they think that I like asked for this or like hinted at wanting this or this was somehow. And then and then and then my wife did it this year. Yeah. Yeah. Except that when I set it up, I said, this is this is going to be a surprise. She doesn't know that I'm doing this. And I'm like almost a little nervous. You assured me that you told that you told that to those people. And then you, and then my assistant this year, uh, my, uh, my past assistant who we just separate ways. Cause I don't need an assistant right now. She's great. Grace Ann. She gave me a birthday video this year and did the same thing. And I think he, I mean, I, I blacked out when I watched it. Cause I think I cried cause I was so upset about the people she got to do it. I was like so like and seeing all my friends and family like my sister learned to TikTok dance for it. I loved that. Like those are my family. Like, yeah, I've put them in a video,

my friends, but like celebrities, even though it was so awesome that she did it and organized this and anyone else would love it. It for me, it was my worst nightmare. And it but I got over it because my mom goes, Nikkiki the fact that you're crying right now is so ridiculous i was like but i didn't i didn't want these people probably were like who is she then they're like google me and they don't even like me and i conan did one and my mom goes conan wouldn't do this if he didn't want to and i was like i don't believe that about conan like i think conan might do things out of obligation i don't trust people not to just do like paris hilton even admitted recently she says yes to things when she doesn't really want to do Like I think Conan might do things out of obligation. I don't trust people not to just do,

like Paris Hilton even admitted recently, she says yes to things when she doesn't really want to do them. So I told her now that I know you do that, I can't ask you to do things because I'll always think that you're just doing it because you feel obligated. I will say though that in speaking of gifts that I don't like,

I did say on our first episode that I hate flowers. I hate receiving flowers. Like I think it's a waste of people's money. It's good to support the flower industry. And I'm glad that those people are making so much money. And like the markup on flowers is ridiculous. But later that day, I received a call from the front desk of the hotel that that the executives at Big Money Players had come together to send me flowers. And I got a beautiful arrangement of Birds of Paradise because I'm in the Cayman Islands, Cayman Islands.

They also sent Andrew a bushel, which he was so excited about, like a masculine flower arrangement that he has never received flowers. So that was great to have. I felt so bad because I go, how ironic that the day they did, they hadn't heard the first episode when they sent that either. It wasn't like, ha ha.

First of all, I, I loved this arrangement because the card was sweet and the flowers are like bird of paradise. They're not like, they're not dying yet, but I do, I do want to say that I appreciate this so much. And I don't need it. They don't have edible arrangements on this island, probably. So you couldn't have done better than this. But in the future, a Starbucks gift card will suffice

for the amount that you would spend on some flowers. But I'm just kidding. It was so nice to receive. The card was so heartfelt. That's what I love about flowers is that card moment where you go, who is this from? And the anticipation. And so thank you so much for the flowers. They obviously didn't go through my agents because

my agents have noticed that if anyone wants to send me flowers that they say she would much prefer a gift card to these places in the amount of that money. Because I know that companies have money to spend to send gifts like this. It's part of their budget. Why not spend it on something that I'm going to use? But the birds of paradise are killing it in this tropical land. And it actually really livens up this place. And you know I don't lie. So I am telling the truth.

I love this birds of paradise that I received. And Andrew was really touched by his bouquet as well. So thank you so much to Big Money Players. Thank you to Will Ferrell for acknowledging my existence. And let's just bring the big boy in. I don't know why

I'm calling him a big boy. He went to the gym already today. I already did a podcast. You guys have to check out when I'm on KFC Radio. I just did a podcast with them, which they are so fun. If you don't already listen,

it's Kevin Clancy and John Feidelberg. And they are hilarious and honest. If you like my vibe, you'll love them. It's more of a bro-y vibe because it's like barstool sports, but they're not douches. They're really emotional. John Feidelberg is the biggest Swifty, and that's why I love him. But I confronted the host, Kevin, because we were talking about relationships, why I don't have one, why I'm not in one, why I'm not having sex. And go you know it's not just me i'm not picky i like put myself out there and i get rejected or i just a guy drops off or i feel a spark and then it's just not there it's not like everyone like looks at me like oh my god anyone would die to be with you and i'm like well i put it out there and i get rejected i'm not crazy but maybe i am so i go okay kevin i

actually had a crush on you. What happened there? I followed up. I texted you. We were, and I go, what happened there? So tune into that. I don't know when it's going to come out, but probably pretty soon. KFC radio subscribe now. So you don't miss my episode when it comes out. Um, cause I just confronted it. Cause I was like, this is actually interesting. And I do want an answer and it's much easier for me to confront difficult things when they're on air. Uh, when i'm uh it's it's my uh fear of emotional intimacy but noah you're gonna have to hear it you'll love it no i can't wait because i was there for when you had the crush on him

yeah so i need the continuation to this story yeah because i i had him into the radio show when we were on serious initially because oh he reached out to me I think and then I did his podcast and I was just like This guy is like the throughout his show. I was just like, oh, he's kind of cute and like we had a good Like meeting but I was like, oh, he is really cute My god, he's really smart. He's like as he likes the same kind of sex stuff that I do like I was like well, this is a no-brainer and then it quickly was like And so my question was, am I bad at flirting? What's going on? I was so great to get an opportunity to hear from someone

who had kind of, I felt, rejected me and what he sensed on his end. So I had to follow up though. So stick through the whole episode because we get back to it at the end. I go, I don't feel like I got an answer. It was pretty good. So yeah, I don't want to ruin it and tell you what happened, but go listen to that and you'll find out. And let's get Andrew in here and talk about how he slept and get some headlines. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt,

or you've got a sky high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early? Well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight

straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years,

we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner, Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions. Limitless answers. on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist.

When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it.

He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control.

My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses.

But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew Collin, my roommate and best friend.

How'd you sleep last night? I slept good. I love coming in here like I do because I feel like a relief pitcher in baseball when they're like, bring them in! And I come in like, but they know what's going on with the game i have no you want to keep me in the dark i don't i didn't know what you were meaning by that reference i was just like i started tuning out why because of baseball relief pitcher

i just like that's like too um that's too much jargon for me that i don't understand i know it's not jargon it's like a very easily understandable understandable thing. So you mean the game is going on and you're coming late to the party? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least the pitcher knows what the score is. I come in. I don't know what the hell you just talked about. You might have just said I had a small penis for 10 minutes. So you were

listening. And it was 12 minutes. A minute for every quarter inch. It's mad. Okay. Yeah, I slept good. We got the vaccine the first episode.

The first episode of the vaccine? The first, I don't know. You understand what he means. Go on. Yes. So we got the vaccine yesterday. And you I don't know. You understand what he means. Go on. Yes. So we got the vaccine yesterday. And I, you know, you could say it's in my mind, whatever. My shoulder was hurt.

Oh, you baby. It hit my shoulder. So you said your shoulder was a little achy, bakey. Thanks for the empathy. Like literally it's like the ache of a bruise. Like that's what you're feeling. And you're like, you couldn't sleep because of a bruise. Like, what do you do when you get a bruise?

I'm just saying I sleep on my side. So you can still, when you're sleeping you couldn't sleep because of a bruise like what do you do when you get a bruise i'm just saying i sleep on my side so you can still when you're sleeping sometimes things creep up a little bit stronger because you're a sensitive boy boys are so sensitive noah i think women i'm sorry men out there who are like no i can take pain and i believe a lot of you can because you were you know put through pain probably as a child that steeled you and made you stronger now but women in general can tolerate pain so much more than men and maybe that's just me being a woman and wanting that to be the case but it just feels that way no i do agree yeah like when boys are sick with the same thing that you're sick with it's always so much more of a dramatic production at least with the men in my life that's right i think it's because we have to start with like waxing and stuff early in life so pain waxing is one of the

pain most painful things that is like so dumb that we do that we do for ourselves and also being hung over i think is another pain we inflict on ourselves unnecessarily and but no i think women it's childbirth i think we're just like we can we're born ready to have that kind of excruciating I've taken some pretty big shits with hemorrhoids no and I know you've had fissures too anal fissures that were like the most supposedly the most suppository

the most painful it was an anal fissure shout out to all how did you experience that if you can't handle a little bruisey bruise on your arm? I wasn't my bruisey bruise I'm just saying I asked you how'd you sleep and you were like I had a bruise on my arm like that just would not be of note

to anyone else like I just don't understand You asked me how I slept last night I was answering honestly I woke up a couple times because I rolled over on my left side and it hurt a little bit I just don't understand how you're going to age because all aging equals your body hurting and aching all the time like yes you're just gonna

wake up always aching i can't lift i can't do curls because a muscle underneath a muscle is hurting i don't know i'm falling apart i didn't want to make you go into a spiral here. I'm just like, anal fissures, though, you've been through. Anal fissures are worse than, I can't even explain the feeling. It feels like 14,000 wasps are stinging my asshole at the same time. They made a plan. They're like, hey, let's meet an Andrew's asshole around 7 a.m. to have a stink fest. And you cry. I cried. let's meet an Andrew's asshole around 7am to have a sting fest. And, and you cry.

I cried. I would, I would shit. And then I would look in the mirror and essentially I would have to bite down on a freaking wood stick. I don't know. I think, why did you add that to it? I was,

I was with you with the pain of like, you were like, because I picture you on the toilet, the wasps are meeting for the sting off and they have to by the way if that thousands of wasps met at 7 a.m. they'd have to take turns they can't all like sting at the same time I feel like

they'd be in line yeah they were well it was five outside of your asshole okay five at a time five at a time one for each yeah what's the worst pain you've ever felt consistently no but I i'm getting back don't skip over the mirror thing why are you looking in the mirror and biting because i'm hot while i'm in pain do you think were you looking in the mirror like like kind of watching yourself cry is

that is that what i'm okay i was just like i don't know sometimes you look and you look in the mirror for a lot of reasons i think back in the day back in the day when i when i was uh playing football you look in the mirror to get pumped up. You'd go, come on, don't be a fucking pussy. You got this. Be a fucking man. Be the best you can be. Don't let your dad down.

Oh, so to coach yourself through the pain. Yeah, so I would look in the mirror. I'd go, don't be a pussy. Your asshole feels like it's getting stung by a wasp. Yeah, I hear that. Okay. Because I'm trying to, when I think of the worst pain i've ever felt i i mean migraines well without a doubt okay yeah a migraine in the in the in the worst of a migraine is like

where you truly consider i mean i've done awful damage to myself trying to just cause another pain that isn't that like i i create a new pain so that that pain um not as much focus can be on that pain because what pain is is you what you're focusing on really like is like what you're feeling so if you confuse your body you could actually not feel that pain as hard and feel it somewhere else and and disperse it that so it's not right on this point right behind your eye now it's over on this side of your head too so it radiates and um yeah that's the worst pain it's not right on this point right behind your eye. Now it's over on this side of your head too, so it radiates. And yeah, that's the worst pain.

It's like just crying and puking because you're in so much pain and just honestly wanting to die and thinking that if this doesn't go away, I'll have to kill myself because I can't live like this. When did you first start getting migraines? When I got an IUD.

And I didn't even make the connection. I just kept the iud in and then i eventually got it removed because i just wanted to i i did iud and um they yanked it out and then they stopped oh but no but now you're getting them again no now i get i get what i feel is like the the amount that i used to get before is nothing. I have one once in a while because they're hormonal. They're related to whatever hormone was pumping through my bloodstream when I had that IUD progesterone possibly. So around my period, I will get a headache that will be close

but not as severe as this. And then I'll get one from all your yelling. I don't yell. I just kind of get really quiet and want to just be like cry weep quietly in a dark room is that a john mayer song we're just weeping quietly in a dark room You were the one that had a headache I was the one that didn't want to bother you There's nothing that I could do

We tried to put your feet in the sink And put a bag of peas on your head We tried all these different remedies I even told you if I fucked you Maybe you'd go away. I heard that orgasms will sometimes make migraines go away. And so I convinced you to fuck me on your migraine. You're going down.

And I forgot that you going down on me doesn't cause an orgasm. So my whole plan is kind of blown apart right now. You're going down. Okay. So let's get to to That was a beautiful song Thank you let's get to the news Or whatever you deem as the news today We got good stories coming up folks

I can't wait You heard it here first It's my favorite part I know it is you love your own voice No it's You listen to your podcast Last night though I did listen to us on Puddles It's my favorite part. I know it is. You love your own voice. No, it's the baby. You do. You listen to yourself.

You listen to your podcast. Last night, though, I did listen to us on Puddles, and I was having a ball watching our Puddles that we literally, I lived two nights ago. I don't know why I needed to watch our conversation again, but it was captivating, and I looked so pretty. You do. I really killed my makeup, and I was proud of myself. Sometimes you just look at yourself, and you go, you look great, and I just needed to,

I was watching myself and was proud of myself. Sometimes you just look at yourself and you go, you look great. And I just needed to, I was watching myself and like having love for myself. I was like, you're so pretty and you're so nice and sincere. Like I saw myself, like I loved myself and it was like such a nice, I just let that moment sink in instead of watching it being like, Oh, why'd you do that?

The whole time I was like, that's so sweet. That's a cute thing. You said, Oh, you tried to make a joke there. It didn't really land. Like it was just,

you're also sitting next to me in that Tommy Bahama, so you're going to look great. I literally realized at 40 Minutes through I had not even looked at you once. We don't look at each other that much when we talk. We don't look at each other? No, I didn't look at you when I was watching. No, when I was watching it.

I mean, I don't know what to tell you. How does it feel to look deep in them? I'm not looking that deep. In my baby greens. I'm blurring my face right now because I don't want to actually make... Why? Look at me. Take me in. Just take me in.

Why are you feeling weird about it? That's too sexual. Take me in. Just take me in. Eye contact, prolonged eye contact for me is romantic and I don't want to do that with you. Why? Because if you're not... Don't make it romantic though.

But to me, prolonged eye contact is romantic. That's what it means. So I don't do it with people that I don't have that vibe with. It feels weird. It feels like incest. Okay.

Well, you ready for the first story? Yeah. All right. I hope you're having a great time out there, guys. Oh God. He always wishes you a great time before he begins. That's his little,

that's your- It's my way to get them on my side if we get in an argument. All right. I hope you're having a great time. All right. Handwriting your notes had more advantages than inputting them digitally. I picked this story because I know you've been writing way more with handwriting these days. Yeah. I write notes down with... But I don't go back and look at those as much as the notes in my phone because the notes in my phone are always in my phone next to me. And notebooks, I have a hard time keeping track of.

Sometimes I'll write like really emotional journal entries that are just like stream consciousness, like stuff that if you read, I would be devastated if you read. And then I'll hand you that notebook to be like, hey, Andrew, will you write this list that I'm thinking of? So like, I'm too willy n with notebooks, and I can't trust myself, but I love a notebook and writing with a Sharpie. Would you rather a guy find a pussy picture of you that's like... Pussy picture.

...than my ramblings in a notebook that I'm talking about my feelings? No, like an up-close fucking... And your face is in it. Great, yes. I mean, that's fine. I is in it. Great. Yes. I mean, like, that's fine. I like my vagina. It looks great. Don't tell me what you wrote in your journal, but what makes you, like, let's give like

a generalization of like. Like, it'll be like, I hate my, like, I woke up today and I felt fat and I don't know why that is because I'm not any different than I am. Yes. There's no chance that yesterday I'm that different than I am. Yesterday I didn't feel fat yet today. I feel fat. There's no way I gained enough weight from one day based on what I ate to make me feel fat. So I know that this isn't what I am. So what else is going on? And then I'll be like, I'm really scared about this thing later tonight uh you know like I just talk about my feelings like I just try I can't even do access

it because stuff comes out when you write it stream of consciousness when you're writing really messy and fast that it's just like embarrassing but it's so on point like I read some old journals of mine recently from like years ago where I would just write you know I journal sporadically so like a month I'll do like three times three days in a row and I'll skip a year and then go back, you know? Um, so I read some stuff from four years ago and it was spot on about all the changes I've implemented in my life. I was begging for help back then with them. It's just nice to see that the things I'm addressing now were actually problems back then that I didn't even know i had but were just coming out in journal entries but i wasn't aware like but it was all there it's like i need to start

eating skipping meals like skipping meals is ruining my life i was like saying it and begging for help but then it took me four years to learn well maybe don't skip meals then like what's up noah well based off that study which was done in tokyo you were probably like handwriting stuff increases your brain activity so maybe you were able to figure that stuff out because you were writing it down as absolutely doing it digitally i always wanted to convince myself that handwriting wasn't better than typing like you can type journals which it's still good but there's something about handwriting that actually does something different than typing. Well, it says it triggers your robust brain activity and in writing by hands associated with stronger neural encoding and memory retrieval.

Cool. Yeah, I got to write more. Which are all big words. Yeah, robust words. I never write in journals and I think I should or write down at all sometimes i forget i remember i went to write down i forgot how to write which is wild but i used to write in journals in high in middle school i had to and i remember my parents went through the divorce and like my journal entries used to be like perfectly legible and like thought out yeah and then my parents started fighting and you would just see

it would like i would maybe sometimes i would just i'd have to fill out two pages so i would write the same sentence over and over again just be like fuck the system yeah and it'd be like crooked and like the handwriting became oh my god like it looked like a anarchist yeah it was writing but looking upon that later i, you had no perspective on that when you were doing it, but then in retrospect, you're like, wow, this said so much about my mental state. And you were writing the same sentence over and over, but you still found out things about yourself.

Dude, I fucking would write like nice journal and then like three months into my parents' divorce, it was just like, Jonathan, I don't want to say his name, whatever, this guy. This is a fat motherfucker on the bus yeah fuck him he always takes my anger when you just got angry overnight yeah and it was it's all due to yeah but you know i wouldn't be here if you know that journal probably

be somewhere better yeah probably like people always go yeah my dysfunction led me to where i am it's like like what could you have done though like you haven't even considered that but there's no free will so whatever the way you are you had no choice and you have no choice where you go next listen to Sam Harris's new podcast on making sense called my last thoughts

on free will and you will understand why we have no free will and if I'm blowing your mind right now you're like what do you mean no free will yeah you don't have a choice about anything you do or anything you think and i know you're like there's no way nikki that's blowing my mind i used to think that too go listen to making sense podcast my thoughts on free will and by the way sam harris's podcast which which i love and i recommend all the time game changer segment uh you can get it for free if you just write into it he has a paywall but you can get it for free if you just can't afford it and you just write to the sam harris info at sam harris.org and just say i can't afford the podcast they'll

give you a code and you get to have the whole podcast and um but you can get the first 40 minutes for free regardless anyway that i really recommend anyone listen to my my final thoughts on three free will the making sense podcast it was two episodes ago. So go on, Andrew. What's the next? I mean, that was a great plug for him. I couldn't help. I do want to plug him. You find him hot.

That's why. What? You find him a little sexy. Oh, yeah. Sam Harris is so sexy. I'm not going to deny that. But that's not why I like him. He's sexy because I just admire him so much.

And I don't listen to many podcasts. And that one really has changed my life and my perspective. Next story. And he talks about stuff like journaling. Okay. Nikki wants to blow Sam Harris. What? Stop that.

That is weird. No, don't say that. I want him on this podcast someday. Yeah, that is not one of the news stories. That's my journal. God damn it, Andrew. Don't leave it out. You wrote the wi-fi password

in it all right wait what noah oh no no andrew i think andrew has um a good story okay let's hear it sarah gilbert who you know i know sarah gilbert yeah i um we created a show to i created a show for her um production company blushes while telling While telling Drew Barrymore that she was her first girl kiss on the set of 1991's Poison Ivy. I loved this. I saw this last night. Have you seen this movie? Do you remember this movie? No.

But Sarah Gilbert is a lesbian. And I just love the idea of like, yeah, she had been on Roseanne and probably kissed boys on that show because she was a straight character on that show but for her to have her she said she had her first girl kiss right same sex kiss was on screen i love those well they practiced in the trailer beforehand they did pretty hot no way really but how old were they then i wonder oh my god this is so hot i mean probably like 16 or 17. I'm just looking at a still from it. It's got to be somewhere in there, like early adolescence. Can I just tell you that

if you're probably anywhere between 35 and a 45-year-old man, Poison Ivy was like... It's a seminal. It was a movie that, that and a movie called Blown Away with Nicole Eckhart. Okay.

Those are two movies that if you're around that age, you definitely masturbated around 11 p.m. at showtime. So you masturbated to Darlene's first kiss? Yeah. Darlene is like the least sexy name, by the way, on earth. Oh, well,

God. But yeah, no, but if you were around that age, those movies and what's the one where they made out in the pool? Wild Things. Wild Things. Yeah, I hear that. Yeah, I mean, your first kiss was a girl.

Yeah, my first kiss was many girls. Like, I didn't kiss a boy until, my first kiss was Kirsten, because I thought I was going to have my first kiss with a boy, and I wanted to practice, and she was like, I was worried I wasn't going to be good, and later that night I thought I was going to kiss Doug Reese. And I was nervous, and she goes, I'll kiss you, I'll tell you if you're good or not and so we made out

and then um tongue and then I didn't end up yeah I didn't end up kissing Doug that night but then I got drunk for the first time and I wanted to kiss boys so bad but I was scared of boys and all my girlfriends were like just drunk too so we just all started making out and it was just it wasn't like sexy though we were just like laughing you know but it was still yeah i made out with a lot of girls before but i haven't done it since and like not even close to well you can't you did kiss your friend just a quick peck kirsten again and i have been writing in my journal so no i would um for me i love these stories of these first kisses on set or like on camera like these child stars who had to have their first kisses like mil or like on camera, like these child stars who had to have their first kisses.

Like Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, their first kiss. Ashton was her first kiss and now he's her husband. It's so sweet. That is kind of sweet. Your first kiss, not so much your husband.

No. Yeah, my first kiss with a boy, not the best experience. My first kiss, fourth grade, kissed a sixth grader. Damn. And I was on the bus and we were in the back of the bus everyone was watching it was like an event yeah and uh because

i was so small it's the big event and she was like the hottest sixth grader like she was fucking dope and uh i fucking went in i didn't turn my head and i drilled noses oh my god and it was so embarrassing everyone was laughing at me like he didn't turn his head what a fucking dump you just oh so like instead of tilting your head to like make out and make room for both noses you just like went nose to nose and i mean it's the story of my sex life ever since then i mean that started it started me down a horrible where you get you get to like and you do pretty good like i feel like you and i've seen you with women and like you tend to get the sixth grade the hottest sixth

grade girl like over and over and it in an adult term yeah they always stay in sixth grade but like that that the girls you that slide into your dms and the girls that you i've seen you get close to getting are like you're still it's it's of that caliber of like, you're the fourth grade guy who's like the underdog. But like, for some reason they really like you and they're like the hot girl in sixth grade. Yeah.

I'll take that. Oh, that's you, man. I love an underdog. I love being the underdog. Keep me under there, dog.

You know? Yeah. That's what I say. Yeah. You're not going to be on top anytime soon. Chrissy Teigen quit Twitter. Oh my God. Twitter because of negativity and leaves behind 13 million followers. I mean, she'll be back, right? You can recover that stuff.

Noah, do you think you can recover? I don't know the laws, but that seems like a rash decision. And I think she did it over the fact that people were giving her shit for selling something. Yeah, with Kris Jenner yeah chris jenner she partnered with chris jenner to to promote something and people were so furious about it that she couldn't deal with the trolls anymore and just was like i'm gone so weird how people turn on you or like how bad like i think it's a great um it's an interesting beginning to like i it got me thinking last night like what if people start dropping off the social media what if we go back

to not having access to people's daily life and like what they're doing all the time like what if we get what if people start like what if those things go away? Like how cool would that be? But I just kind of love it. You can go away when you're on top. Like she, I don't want to see people's Twitter or Instagram. I will. I, it ruins people for me.

Oh yes. Like you have a crush and then you see someone. It's not even like a crush. They're like friends to like where you like get to know someone in life and then you see their social media and you just are like oh god you're like not as cool as i want you to be or you're trying to be too cool and there's just like too much there's too much room for error and i put myself into that category too there are times that i put out things that i'm sure guys have been like or like girlfriends that might have been like nikki this isn't a good look and it just

it's just a vulnerable space where you sometimes can put out something and make a rash decision and tweet something or, you know, put something on your story. That's just a, an ugly side of you that is so easy to come out because you have this outlet that usually in real life you would have a, um, there's a barrier between you and that knee jerk reaction to put that out there for your friends to see that side of you. But all it is now is pull up your story, post a picture, click a button, and then it's out there for the next 24 hours. I just feel like Chrissy Teigen, if she has, you know,

she's married to John Legend, she's made a shit ton of money on her own. They probably have $100 million. She doesn't need to be called a dumb cunt every day. She just doesn't need that. Now a dumb cunt every day like she just doesn't need that now some people still need it because they're still building their money like people don't reach 13 no there's if you haven't noticed no one's ever rich enough no one just gets rich and then stops none of these people these people all have enough money to live so

well for themselves well into the future until the end of the world in like about eight years. How successful would you have to be to get off social media completely? I mean, I would have to be really, like social media for me fills a hole of like not feeling like I'm having enough fun. Like it's fun for me.

I still get this enjoyment out of it. So I'd have to have a fulfilling life otherwise. It'd have to not be about money. It'd have to be about like I'm having enough thought, like it's fun for me. I still get this enjoyment out of it. So I'd have to have a fulfilling life. Otherwise it'd have to not be about money. It'd have to be about like, I'm around people that I am constantly stimulated by and having, it is giving me that much stimulation because that's what this stuff is. It's just constantly like new things popping up. And it's like, if I'm in a relationship,

if I fill my life with enough of those things, which is almost impossible to do, it's like speed date. Like social media is speed dating in your life. That's the only thing equivalent to it. It kind of makes you realize why people don't get in committed relationships because in every other aspect of your life, you can get whatever you want, whatever food you want, whatever entertainment you want instantly. There is no more committing to literally anything. The biggest commitment i have ever made is this podcast i realized the other day i've never had a contract over a year for anything in my life

yeah and it's certainly not a relationship as ever contract like until you say i'm gonna get married that's obviously you know being like forever but i and that's what i'm scared of commitment i realized but this this, I'm not scared. Yeah. I was a little bit. Like, starting, I was like, wait a second. This is my life for, that's so long. Like, even when I buy a 500 pack of Q-tips, I'm like, this is a little.

You're committing to, like, living long enough to use these. That's kind of insane. Yeah. Like, I'm not joking you. That seems like a joke, but it's not. When I buy that many Q-tips, I just go, what? You're not going to live this long. Yeah, I just, like, I'm not going to get through seems like a joke but it's not when I buy that many q-tips I just go what you're not gonna live this long yeah I just like I'm not gonna get through all those like that's a waste it's interesting because like my whole life I've always like you know where I went to college what you know whatever I've done with my I've never thought

it through you know even this podcast I didn't really think it through but out of most things I was like I did think before I moved to St. Louis to do this i did at least kind of give it a little bit of thought and it's the best long-term goals my long-term goal i guess i didn't ask you what they were i just asked you have them yeah so what's the next news story i'll tell you oh you know what our next one is i here's a goal here's a goal of yours realized once a week we're gonna have a segment here on the show where andrew gets to do a little bit of his favorite genre of news sports news so here here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. I love it. Okay, get me into sports. All right, a 15 seed

during March Madness for the second time ever has made the Sweet 16. A team called Oral Roberts, which was also my ex-girlfriend's nickname in college. Nice. I thought I went in the shower, boy. Oh, my God.

I bet you got so giddy and you giggled to yourself while you were in the shower when you heard of it. Did you? I bet you did. Yeah. I know you too well. I was holding the shampoo as a mic. Oh, I guarantee you were.

This year, Sweet 16. Okay, let's just get into well you tell me what 15 seed means please i understand that's a terminology that i should know but i don't know it so so each bracket there's four different brackets one through 16 got it a 15 beat a two which is just unheard of right and then they beat a seven which is just crazy so like okay so um so they're the they're out of 16 places you could be they're in 15th place they're like in the group of colleges that are like the fifth in 15th yes they've made the top 64 teams but they're in the bottom of the 64 got it so a 15 seed out of 16 seeds so a bottom not a good team one of the like in the 90 percent

probably in the 90% worst of the bats that are playing for March Madness, beat someone in the top two or 5%. This will give you an idea of it. So ESPN does a thing where they let people fill out a bracket. 14 million, around like 14 million brackets were filled out. Not one has all the right teams right now. Well, no, some might've had them, but doesn't have any.

So it's art, and that's never... I mean, how beautiful that is in sports. I mean, that is pretty cool because it's like... What's going on here? What do they attribute it to? Do they have like a star player? Is there injuries on the teams they've played? Good questions.

My thought is, okay, also what's crazy about this March Madness, Duke, which you've heard of, obviously, North Carolina, Kansas, and Kentucky are not in March Madness. Which is... Wait, KU? Yeah, wild. What? Yeah, you went there. My alma mater?

KU, who like the only thing that they care about is... They didn't make the 64? No, Oral Roberts did, my ex-girlfriend from college. Wait a second. They didn't even make it in the 64 teams? Yeah. But KU is a – and Duke, they are – Yeah.

What's going on? Is it because of COVID? Yeah, they all got COVID. No, but – No, no, no, no, no. That's actually a good question. They might have not practiced as much. And if you can't practice as much –

Okay, so what Duke, North Carolina, it's called one and done. So a lot of these kids, they'll go to college for one year, just their freshman year, and go to the pros. So then you're getting new kids every year. And you've got to refill it, and they've got to be so good that they can beat juniors and seniors, which have been practicing together for three or four years. Right.

So now you're having Duke and those guys. When was the last time Duke, KU, and North Carolina were not in the March Madness? All of them together? I mean, even individually, do those schools sometimes go in and out? I mean, I just feel like they're always in, at least when you're making a bracket, like the bottom eight. I don't know. It's wild. It's wild.

And I thought the viewership would go down. Uh-huh. But it's actually, it's doing well. Well, now it's going to be great because of this Oral Roberts. And this is a dentistry school? Yes. I'm serious. Like, where is it?

Where's Oral? No, I don't know. I think it's somewhere down below, if you know what I mean. Where is it? No, I don't know. I really don't know. I can't believe this is your news segment and you have such little information. I just gave so much knowledge. But you don't know i really don't know i can't believe this is your news segment and you have such little information knowledge but you don't know where oral roberts is i can't believe how

much you know about sports nikki this is blowing my mind i went to ku so i do know that march madness i'm very familiar and i do enjoy march madness and and like you know making bracket i love a good bracket i love a good taylor swift song bracket and um song bracket and in my song bracket I will say that there was an Oral Roberts for me which was a song that not many people like which song do I love that people don't oh 15 for me a lot of girls that also love Taylor

Swift were like wow 15 beat out style and for me style is a UNC and I don't give a style is never style has been my Oral Roberts for all along and so 15 ended up winning my bracket and it was like Oral Roberts taking home the final

March Madness trophy the golden basketball you gotta go back on something Kansas still is in the tournament okay guys Kansas did reach the top 64 we had to recount. Yeah, we had to.

They actually beat the Eastern Washington Eagles 93-84 in their most recent game. God damn it. And I really just hijacked your news segment. Okay, is there anything you want to add? I'm just sad that I ruined my shot at the sports thing, the Kansas thing, but they're out of it, I believe. Okay. You can figure it out.

I feel like I had more information in this segment. I really just based off of you Googling and not being able to read fast enough and I can read your screen. Well, we got to move on, Andrew. But you'll have a chance next week to redeem yourself and really come in with a lot of sports knowledge.

And next week, can I challenge you as a coach? I want to challenge you. You look in the mirror and you talk to yourself before you give that sports segment. And you delivered in a way that will educate me so I don't have to have too many follow-up questions and also in a way that will interest me

and also fulfill sports fans who might be listening's desires for sports news. Yeah, Kansas is still in it all right so our next segment is a going to be one that we will obviously ask for submissions from our listeners this is uh a little thing we like to call the blankest thing you've ever done and every month we're going to pick a new blank and you're we're going to present ours and then we're going to pick a new blank and we're going to present ours. And then we're going to ask for submissions from you guys to send in your blankest thing. And you're going to try to top ours and we'll read it on the show.

And if you can top the blankest thing we've done, we'll crown a winner at the end of the month and we'll switch it up every month or so. So for this month, and we'll do this once a week, my blanket for this month, it's going to be the grossest thing you've ever done. So this is the grossest thing you've ever done. We're going to present ours now. And then we will ask you to submit your own at if you think they can beat ours out, we're going to do a March Madness

of grossest things you've ever done. Every month, the category will change. This monthness of grossest things you've ever done. Every month, the category will change. This month, the grossest thing you've ever done. And you can send those submissions to the Nikki Glaser podcast at gmail.com. The Nikki Glaser podcast

at gmail.com. Andrew, do you want to kick us off the grossest thing you've ever done? You know I've done a lot of gross things. I mean, we came up with this segment

a while ago because we just couldn't stop sharing gross things. And we were going to make it only about gross things. And that would be like the whole show. And I go, we got to add other things in, not just gross things. Because I don't think, I think people will turn people off. We just can share one at a time.

Yeah, it's a little, it's a lot. We're gross. Okay. You know this story. I think I had to go with it because I can't think of anything grosser. I know a few stories are probably going on in your mind, but I'm just going to tell you. Okay. I'm 11 years old.

We all know this story. I don't know which one. By we, just me and you. I walked into my parents' bathroom. I came across an object. I didn't know what it was. It seemed foreign. It seemed alien-like. There was hair on it.

I don't know where the hair came from. And there was a hole in it. There was enough hair. It looked like an 80s hair band. Got a little bit of a haircut. No, was it like hair was like it fell on the floor at a salon? Or hair like it was actually implanted in it? Implanted hair.

Okay. And there was a hole in it. I didn't really know exactly what it was. Was it like a gooey? What did it look like? It was gooey. It kind of looked like when you make pottery and it falls apart. Okay, like a smushed clay kind of pot.

Smushed soft clay. And it turns out it was a pocket pussy. I didn't know if it was my dad or my mom's or the dog. Let's stop making jokes and just tell it like it's real. Because I know this is a bit you do. So I'm trying to, I don't want you to get into bit territory. I'm trying not to do it like a bit. I haven't done one joke for my act.

I know, but I'm just, I want you to not tell this as like. But I'm telling it. But I'm wondering. I'm setting it up. Okay. Okay. So it turns out you realize. Okay, I fucked my dad's pocket pussy.

You realize later on in life it was a pocket pussy But at the time you were 11, you didn't know what that was No, I had an idea, I had an inkling that it was Why? A pussy, because I don't know Maybe I came across one In a magazine or something So you knew what it was, you weren't like, what's this?

You knew what it was I kind of knew what it was, I really didn't know I'd never heard of a pocket pussy How did you know to put your penis in it? If there's a hole, your dick's going in it. When you're 11, really? I mean, sure. But I couldn't fill it up.

My cock really wasn't big enough yet. And I didn't cum, but it was wet and it was disgusting. And that means my dad probably just used it with lotion or maybe it was his leftover sperm. I mean, this is just... I want to apologize. Yeah. This isn't like the grossest thing andrew's done like the grossest thing is that andrew is telling the story what do you want from me the grossest thing is that you didn't keep this to yourself that's so funny first of all i'm sharing with you guys and you guys seem to be making fun of the traumatic

story on stage at like it's his closer because it is true and it's insane and it's so funny that he admits this is why i love andrew is that he doesn't keep these things in and like and why should he we this is so funny it's so funny that he was an 11-old kid who found his father's pocket pussy, which is a self-masturbatory tool, and he used it, and it was used. Everything about it's gross. So he always closes on this joke, and the groan from the audience is how I determine whether or not I'm going to like them,

because when they go, oh! I can just tell they're very empathetic and like emotional. And listening. And listening, yes. And so I always go out to this like, you kind of leave a weird taste in their mouth. And it's a fun, it's a fun atmosphere to walk out into as a crowd. Because I used to do the same kind of jokes where it was just like, people would go, oh, ew. Because it's just a good reaction.

Yeah, I love it. You know, it's like, it's not laughter, but it's just, you just shock them enough. I think it's laughter after the, oh. Not always. Anyhow, but can I tell you something? Yeah. My dad tried to gaslight me years later. He heard that I was talking about it on podcasts,

and he claimed that he never had a pocket pussy, and then he said maybe it was, you know, my mom's new boyfriend or whatever, and I go dad there's i remember like three things for sure in my life and this is up there i mean you remember you remember having sex with any pocket yeah let alone your own father so you know yeah that sucks that he couldn't just admit it but maybe he actually doesn't remember if he had one but you remember if you have a pocket pussy or if like you just and then maybe it was his like seventh best one

like how you have 19 dildos or whatever yeah yeah maybe but then he then he would know that he had one at least and that you could have found it you know that's true maybe you know maybe he knew it was i'm getting close to my bar mitzvah and maybe it wasn't like your mom's hair clip or something like you don't know it had hair on or something. Like you don't know. It had hair on it. It was wet. I don't know. It could have been like a new loofah your mom had.

That's true. You know, like it maybe could have been, you could have misinterpreted it with your 11-year-old brain. But it wrote, it had pocket pussy written on it. Yeah, what was the grossest thing you ever did? Okay, so I know you know a bunch of gross things that involve feces and like you know just like bodily fluids and stuff but this to me is is a story that signifies how like germy i am and like

how i don't like care about that that most people would just be like how could you do that so i once i was in a really bad place in my life i was living in new york just moved there living in a disgusting apartment with a girl who was like, uh, really like a recluse hoarder. And the place was already dark. It was just so gross. My room was disgusting. I was bulimic. I was smoking pot all the time. I was drinking a lot. I was just in, I was just gross. I was in a bad place and I wasn't taking care of myself. And I took out my contacts one night and I didn't even cover the little holes that you put the case. I didn't even close the case, which I still don't do that a lot of times. Like I don't cover the case, which is gross already, but I didn't cover the case. I took out my contacts, put them in the

thing. I probably put water in them cause I was always out of contact solution. Just like, so just gross, not washing them. Not, they were probably had been in my eyes for over a month. I took them out though at night. I was taking care of myself in that way don't sleep in your contacts it can cause you to get tumors it's awful um so i took them out the next day i was taking nail polish off and so i was using nail polish remover and i left the cap off of that also on my desk just because i'm just sloppy and messy later on i was grabbing something and i knocked over the nail polish remover but it was on a shitty desk that i got at ikea that i didn't care about and so i was just like oh fuck i spilled it and i didn't care

later on i put in my contacts and i go about my day i'm on the train and i'm like everything looks like cloudy like this is so weird like and my eyes were kind of stinging but they that happened when you like wear your contacts too much and i was like it's so weird and things sort of look cloudy it looked like there was like a halal cart haze you know when like halal carts like put off a bunch of smoke yeah it looked like that all around the city and i was like a vape cloud it looked like september 12th you know like there's just like dust in the air and i was like asking people like and trying to smell for smoke it was so weird and um eventually my eyes hurt so much that I took them out but then the fog didn't go away

because I was like maybe something in my contacts I took them out it did not go away it kept it I was just like I cannot see at this point then I go then all of a sudden all of like the, everything comes into place. And I was like, I accidentally spilled nail polish remover acetone into my contact lens case. And my, I put in contacts that have acetone in them as the lubricant to put in my eye. And I Googled, Oh, do you know how I realized this? I Googled cloudy vision and it said chemical burn.

And I was like, what? I chemically burnt my eyes My friend tony vinn was in town at the time visiting from la and he was taking me out to dinner and I called him Like sobbing and I was like i'm going blind. I just blinded myself because i'm so Like gross i'm just like all my fluids are everywhere and just like like I almost blinded myself because of how disgusting i am so although it's not this really disgusting it's just like that to me signifies and was like a real eye opening eye clouding experience for like you need to be cleaner did you go to your urgent care like how did you handle it healed i cried and i cried and i cried and i was like i'm just blind like

it's irreversible I was just reading all this stuff And I couldn't see it was getting worse Because I was broke and I was drunk And I come from a family who goes waited out And so I never go to the hospital for things Unless I'm like actually dying I'm never preemptively taking care of myself in that way

And I just eventually it went away Thank God How long? It lasted a couple days It was terrible dude i really thought my life was over yeah yeah yeah it was like when we were watching that um movie that the the the sound of metal like the gorilla glue girl yeah i mean honestly it was like that but it was just because i was gross and it felt like god this is usually i'm i'm like wow i don't get colds because I'm so gross because I'm constantly eating like I'm surprised. It doesn't happen to women more.

You have to go through so many. We were talking about how many steps you have to do. Like, you're going to fuck up a step next thing you know, you're blind. Like, yes, you have to do so much shit as a woman. And if you mix different serums together that have different, you know, chemicals that counteract with each other and, um, and burn your face. And like, I, you know, I've, I've gotten laser, uh, stuff done to my face. That's burnt my face and caused me immense pain and suffering. I mean, it's crazy. All right, let's get into our final thought round out the week. God, I can't believe this week flew by. This week has been one of the best weeks of my life.

This podcast has been incredible and just working down here, it's beautiful out here. And God, it's awesome. Yeah, I agree with you. This has been... I am so happy to... I said at the top of the show before you came in, relief pitcher, that... Callback. Yeah, I'm just

loving this show. Every time we get done with it, we're like, that was so fun. Even on Tuesday, when I was so nauseous, so sick during the podcast, I still had the best time. That was such a good show.

That's the beauty of this show, too. We're always going to try to be funny and everything, but you're going to get the real us. This will take me out of it. That's why i like i wanted to have this every day in my life because it it's something i'm excited to do so i'm i'm really grateful to everyone who's listened and rated and reviewed we have like five stars we've been charting all over the place thanks to you guys seriously i know that's like such a cliched thing to say

like thanks to the fans but i've been reading your comments and your, your emails and your DMS and, and your, your posts on your stories. And it's just also nice. You took the time out to, to write to us and say what it means to you. Like it really means a lot.

So thank you. And I want to just say, cause I talked about it yesterday on the podcast, final thought, the movie we watched the other night that I did not enjoy, but it's probably me because it's rated 81% on Rotten Tomatoes, was Molly's Game. It's an Aaron Sorkin script, and he directed it. And I love Aaron Sorkin's work.

I'm a big fan. And so I was excited about this movie. What do you talk like in an Aaron Sorkin movie? I do. I talk a lot. But this movie was excruciating for me to get through I wanted to abandon it 10 minutes in and Andrew made us watch the whole thing and he goes I want to see how it ends I go

pull up the synopsis on Wikipedia like why waste another hour and a half of your life when you could just find out what happens and not have to sit through all of this tedious superfluous dialogue that I know he's famous for.

And the editing was like... And Jessica Chastain, what's her name? Yeah, what movie was she good in? Her voice was this the whole time and talked like this. And I know that was the directing. Her voice, I couldn't take it anymore by the end of it. And she is gorgeous and such a good actress. But maybe it was meant to irritate me.

And the directing was so crazy that i literally go and i'm not someone who's like a film like i don't know film but i knew this was directing was not good it was it would you know what it felt like it was a script that could have been handled much better because andrew didn't know that directing like matters i go this script i know directing matters i go i because you said oh he did the social network i go no he did not direct the social network's amazing because it's aaron sorkin writing it and david fincher directing if david fincher would have directed molly's game it would be an oscar contender it was such a good script but the the the directing the shots the the music the the mixing it it seemed like a first time, which is going to get better. I'm sure Fincher's first movie was shit too

or confusing too. You don't just hit it out of the ballpark on the first try, sports. I feel like Sorkin, how he was editing it and how he... You know when someone has done way too much cocaine and they come up to you

and tell you a story about nothing and it just jumps like it just jumps from here to there that's how his edit like his editing was like that one scene was like 50 different shots for like a four minute scene about poker like i guess you have to try to make poker seem interesting when you know it's fictional and the whole thing that's interesting about poker or sports is that it's like nonfiction. It's like anything could happen, but you know that this is scripted. Yeah, it's hard to make poker compelling,

but it's been done before. And it could have been done better. I love Aaron Sorkin again. Huge fan. I think he's, I'm just couldn't love his writing more. I'm sure he's going to get better as a director. And this was the first attempt and everyone like deserves to be not as great

when they start. So like, that's fine. I don't know if it's the first attempt, but it was his first like non documentary directing. I think that he'd done and it just, I, I,

but reading Rotten Tomatoes, I was infuriated that no one else was felt the same way I did. And I thought it was just so obvious. We were looking at you. We were laughing so hard at how... I mean, it would have been a great mystery science theater for us to watch and make fun of this movie. But do you feel like sometimes... It was cur.

This movie was cur so much. But your mind... I said cur like 18 times in the last 18 minutes. Sometimes my mind, that's the only kind of movie I want. It doesn't even have to be good. There's a certain tone to it that's like it's not too much. There's only like five or six characters.

I don't like a movie that talks down to me and makes me feel like people make movies sometimes for really dumb people. And I think we should challenge people. Like I was saying about the inside joke. When I say Delia's, I know that only 30% of people out there are going to get that reference. But I expect the other 70% to know that they're just not in on the joke. Not that it's a bad joke, right? But I feel like a lot of directors and writers

don't challenge their audience to maybe, hey, that's a reference that I should maybe look into so I can understand that and appreciate this on a deeper level. Instead, they don't even make the reference. They don't even take the chance to make it more selective they want to up they want to appeal to such a broad audience that it becomes so stupid and you are talked to like a kindergartner and that's when i get that's when i walk out of horrible bosses 15 minutes into it that's when i walk out of

dinner with schmucks halfway through because it is a comedy that is written by people who are very intelligent and they are talking down to me and i don't appreciate it okay but on the same same token yeah if you try to do too many analogies or whatever to something so no you don't have to be over the top i'm not asking you to make it so like you know uh obtuse and i'm not saying i'm just saying though it could go the other way where it's like i understand understand. It definitely can. But Veep does that very well. They have specific references. You will miss half the jokes, but they make so many jokes that you don't mind missing

half the jokes. I'm with you on that, sister. Final word. Gotta go. Thanks so much for listening this week. We'll see you next week on the Nikki Glaser podcast. I love you all. I love you all too.

Keep happy out there. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it.

For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines.

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet,

hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season.

We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... The Hottest Party in Professional Sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf.

Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.