The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #403 "Party Animal", Best Beatles Songs & Predictive Text Game!

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

If you go with Julie to a holiday party, you will quickly learn why Nikki dubs her a "party animal" in this episode. Brian approves of the big clothes look that girls are rocking. They talk about their favorite Beatles songs and then play the 'Predictive Text Game," which reveals a lot about their personalities. Nikki's car is on its last leg. Brian shares his version of hell. They dive into comedian Adam Ray's IG videos and comedy. In the Final Thought, Noa shares a day in the life of being a cat owner, Nikki & Brian talk about the time they almost won an EMMY, and Nikki gives her review of May December filled with "bing bongs." Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast.

I'm Nikki Glaser. I am in my apartment in St. Louis, Missouri. Brian is here. What up, Brian? Yo, you're right. We all wearing gray. We are all wearing gray. Whoa.

It's a gray day. It's a gray day, y'all. It's a- Post-Christmas malaise. Yeah. Ending the year strong. Yeah. That's right.

Ending the year strong with a depressive color. Noah is here what up nose oh nose there you go people sometimes go I remember Andrew being like that sounds like you're doing a Jewish slur of some sort and I was like that does not occur to me take it back

only she can call herself that do you hate it? I like nose no I like it anytime it I like nose no I like it I do too anytime you call me a nickname I like it yeah I do I love a nickname

you can even call me the K word and I would like it oh my god Jesus Christ remember we had to walk my mom through that in a very like

we had to literally spell it out for her she's like I know the word I've never heard in which way it was used that was hilarious

you were like it rhymes with bike and she's like kicky it's like no it rhymes with bike no the concept of rhyming

she's so freaking funny my mom we went to a party last night we went to a party at Taylor McGraw who you know from the podcast

we went to her house for a Christmas party it was all of her friends it was so fun Taylor's house is amazing. And it reminds you of being in a museum. It has, she has,

she collects bugs. So there's like pinned bugs in these like cases everywhere. And then she's obsessed with the JFK assassination. And so there's like newspapers from the day he was shot. Like she has all these, she has like a portrait of Lyndon B. Johnson written out from like a typewriter typed it and then it like looks like his face but it's all just if you look closely it's just words typed

and she has uh tons and tons of books one of which is anya's dad's book about the jfk assassination and conspiracy that it was the cia who did it And Anya's dad wrote a giant book about it. And we were all like, oh my. And my mom's like, oh my God, this is Anya's dad's book. Like she couldn't believe it. My dad was getting a little bit jealous. Jealous? Yeah, he was kind of like, yeah, one of 30 copies.

And I was like, what? I thought they had a really hot SEX that night. No, they didn't because then we dropped my mom. My mom is a party animal. My mom on a Wednesday night in St. Louis wanted to go afterwards. She's like, we're going to see a Led Zeppelin trippy band. I'm going with Elaine, my mom's friend who parties

with her. Elaine and I are going. Elaine doesn't drink, but she's like a designated driver and my mom can get shwasted and hang out and then Elaine can drive her home. Elaine just has fun without much. She's like a designated driver. And my mom can get wasted and hang out. And then Elaine can drive her home. And Elaine just like has fun without drinking. Like she's just like, you know, one of those people. I cannot relate to my mom's stamina at 65 years old to want to go to a Christmas party.

Then she has a little, she starts imbibing a little bit. She's doing a little jazzy kind of dance every time she walks in a room. We're going. What? This is Jerry's book? Oh my God, Taylor. You have Anya's dad's book. Look at this house.

Oh, my God. There's silk everywhere. She's bopping and booping. And she's making us all laugh with all of her enthusiasm. And then. This is after she drinks a little bit. Just a little bit. Like one or two.

One and a half. And she is like. She marches around. Yeah, the zips. And she just. Like a little bit like one or two one and a half and she is like she's she marches around yeah the zips and she she just like a little toy soldier she's marching around and like she does a little dance in every room and it's everything is this and that and you are get out of here with that that is the cutest thing i've ever you know she's just and chris she makes chris laugh so hard it's almost insulting to me because I've never heard him laugh that hard. Everything she says is funny.

And so then after Taylor's part, she's like, I'm having your dad drop me off at Broadway Oyster Bar. I don't care. I'm going to see this Led Zeppelin cover band. I don't give a shit. And it's her friend's son's band. And he's like 40-something. So it's not like it's a young...

He's in this... He's like a famous St. Louis musician. He's in all these bands. But they do a great Led Zeppelin cover band. Because we dropped her off at this bar. We could hear it through the bar. It was almost an outdoor-ish bar, even though it's freezing cold.

And my mom was raging probably until 2 in the morning. And then came back home. Live and life. And then I woke up to a text from her at like 8 30 in the morning something about like well you sent me that picture from a thing like she's just like she's up and she chugged a diet coke she's ready to go she's back on the back on the i guess she's not back on the horse she fell off the horse last night but she's back on well yeah she's back on the horse. She's going to Goodwills today, probably painting a wall up on a ladder. She's just, I love, and earlier in the day, my mom came, I had a photo shoot yesterday and I was having an existential crisis and I was like crying and which isn't good for

your makeup that you just had applied for two and a half hours. So it's like, I was like not having a good time. I just needed somewhere that someone there that like Loved me to like help me Through it and to be like you know Everyone there was so nice and so supportive And like so felt bad that I was crying and it's it's awkward when you're Crying about being ugly because people just did

Your makeup so you you're almost like it Seems like they're consulting their work yeah which I was like it's not your fault it's God's Fault it's not what you did Is it it's just my it's I said it's not your fault it's God's fault it's not what you did is it it's just my it's God's fault that you're bad at makeup yeah God made you and made you think you're good at something that you're not no I actually had an amazing uh makeup uh stylist Kara Olson and then um my stylist uh for clothing Megan Perry shout out to both of them and they were so lovely and

so supportive and helping me with poses and looking up poses and moving chairs and being like you should try this like well and above beyond what they were supposed to do and they were so emotionally supportive and I wrote them both being like thank you for like not only your work but like I like started crying at one point it was just like because I just saw things on my face I don't usually like to look at pictures of myself as I'm taking a picture people know this about me because I can't convince myself I've changed. If it's an ugly picture in two weeks, I can say, oh, my skin has lifted since then. Actually, I don't say that. But if it's like a weight thing or just like a you look tired thing, I can think, oh, I'm less tired now or I've lost weight or whatever. My body doesn't look that way. It's been time since then. But if it's just now,

it's like this is all i have and so much work went into this was three hours getting ready and with a great stylist this is the good best it can be and it's just disheartening and so i kind of started tearing up but i wouldn't i was like you guys i have to just go figure myself out for a second and we were pressed for time you also have a hard time like especially when they do your makeup if they make you face the mirror and you have to like stare at yourself for two hours yes i know that's hard for you too it is but it's also hard if i don't look at the mirror because then at the they get done and i go what did you do you know like sometimes i i've had that happen where i look like i'm rupaul's drag race you know like where i've gone oh my god you

need to take this down and it's much more harder to take off makeup than put it on so yeah it was just like oh and i'm about to start my period it's just like the worst time i should look at my calendar when i'm doing a photo shoot and make sure it's not happening in the five days before my period because it's just too emotional and so i just i sucked up the tears because there was no point i was like can i just go cry really quick but then i went to go cry and i was like i saw the bags welling up to produce the tears and i go i can't i just sucked it up and i was like i went back out and i go i'm just gonna pretend i'm someone else and that's what i did i turned the screen away taylor swift i pretended i was taylor swift um and that i was yeah i just had to pretend i was someone else because if i for a second was like nikki you're badass and you're gonna kill it and

you just filmed a special and everything's going your way like I can't convince myself of that in this state like just had a hard week it's not been the week that I've wanted to after my special it's been a lot of regret and like why did I do this and why didn't I do that it like it just sucks when you think something it is as if I gave birth and my baby is was it was not a good birth right like something happened during the labor and I don't get to have the baby that I thought I was gonna have and I'm not saying I relate to women who have any complications during that but you know I think I think even if you have a healthy baby you expect that first week of like oh I'm not pregnant anymore I think there's you just expect it to be like freeing, but instead this has been like, oh God, if I could have, I'm just getting jealous

of people who are shooting their specials in March. Like I saw a girl that's shooting her special in March and I'm like, oh, I wish I had March to fix the things or whatever. It's just, I'm having that. So it was just a spirally week. And then I planned this photo shoot and my mom came by and it really changed my mood. She was like comfortable oh my god you are just beautiful I don't even I can't even Nikki what are you doing this is insane so she was like saying stuff that I was kind of rolling my eyes out but it did make me feel better and then we left there and we went to a thrift store because that's my mom's favorite thing and I I just, she was like, can't believe you're going to St. Vincent DePaul with me. This is crazy.

And I go, I would go with you to ask me to go any day. I like hanging out. I have no friends in St. Louis. And I like hanging with you. I think you're funny and cool. And we really have a good time together. But she was just like, I can't believe you're going here. And I got the sweater there.

It's an old Navy sweater. I got for eight bucks. It's brand new and it's extra, extra large. And I love it. And Chris will probably hate it because he doesn't like my oversized looks. I think men don't like- I love oversized looks. On women?

Yeah, I love oversized looks. Really? I love dressed down. I don't like, I like when a woman looks like she just fell through a laundry basket and came out the other side Oh my god, that's really That's cute That's sweet

Because I think when I wear like JNCO Like right now JNCO type jeans are back in You know, really baggy jeans Like wide lane But not with the patch No, not with the patch Or like the chain wallet And the silver chair t-shirt

Not yet And the Mossimo It is so strange how it feels like 90s fashion is making a comeback. It's back, baby, because it's 30 years. Every 30 years it's cyclical. That's why the 90s, 60s was kind of cool, I think. I don't know.

Or it's like retro. It's now retro, so retro equals cool. Yeah, so I think Chris is not a fan of the JNCO type jeans and any kind of oversized look, but I'm feeling it. I like things being big. I realized one of my, I can relate to people who have autism in the sense of sensory things. I used to have it as a kid. I would freak out with socks being too fuzzy. I would be like,

get them off. And I would cry. And my mom would be like, she's insane about socks. Like I just couldn't stand these socks I had to wear for these this catholic school i went to and i remember freaking out and then i would bend my knee sometimes and the fuzz on the knee that you could see in the silhouette makes me go like i hate it i hate it so much but that my biggest pet peeve with clothing is when the sleeves are like on are right here on my wrist like right above the that bone like i need a i want to leave like down to my where my pinky starts like i want a baggy sleeve that makes me look like i'm a i'm cozy blake lively on a and having a cup of cocoa and the the sweater is touching the cup of cocoa like I like to have my long, long sleeves. I hate when it's just a little yippy skippy

is what we called it because I don't know why we just named that in high school when the pants would ride up too high. We'd be like, oh, it's yippy skippy. And then I think- That makes sense on pants. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

So it's yippy skippy on the arms too. Like if it's too short, oh, I want to die. I want to die. So anyway, I got the sweater and that's not like that. And then my mom last night was like, we were walking in St. Vincent de Paul Society thrift shop and she was like, your dad's mad at me because I want to go. He's already mad at me. She called him in between the photo shoot in St. Vincent de Paul. It was like a three mile drive and i guess she called him in that time because we drove separately she's like he's mad at me because we're gonna go i want to go to the the led zeppelin my dad doesn't like that kind of music he was like making fun of it um i don't i can't do a led zeppelin song your dad doesn't like led zeppelin he just thinks he's like some songs are okay but yeah he's an he's like beatles anything that like made the beatles go like we don't really care anymore my dad was like not into it it's as if and he's a musician so he's like you know i feel like everybody in his generation loves led zeppelin

yeah you would think but my dad was such a beatles head it's as it's as if like it's it's like how swifties feel about well actually swifties are supportive of all the artists that come in her wake. But it's kind of like that. My dad and I disagree on so much when it comes to Taylor Swift. But he doesn't realize we're very similar because of his passion for the Beatles, where he has a million Beatles books.

There's Beatles posters all over. You want to go down on the Beatles just as much as I want to go down on Taylor. And I don't really want to. That's just a metaphor for eating pussy. Do you like the Beatles? Yeah, down on the Beatles just as much as I want to go down on Taylor. And I don't really want to. That's just a metaphor for eating pussy. Do you like the Beatles? Yeah, I love the Beatles. Love, love, love.

Like, I grew up... My dad, like, you know, indoctrinated me. Love. That was one of their unreleased hits. It probably was. Love, love, love. Wait. Do you have a favorite Beatles song?

Yeah. In My Life, I think, is my favorite. Oh, that's a good one. What's your favorite? Golden Slumbers. Wait, how does that start? Because I... It starts with just a piano, I think.

Oh, do you play it? And then it's golden slumbers, feel your eyes. Oh, yeah. You know that one? Yes, I do know that song. Golden Slumbers, most underrated beatles song i will and then what is the chorus though sleep pretty darling please oh yeah well then it goes into carry that weight and then it goes into the end that's why i love that song because it's like

eight different songs in one song that's why i can't pin it down but yeah that song is fucking great my favorite which i posted about on my Instagram story lately. It's not, that sounds like it's the name of the song, but I posted lately about it. I think when I was doing press for F boy in LA, I was at the Spotify center doing a podcast and I was in a waiting room and they had all the Beatles lyrics printed up and I instantly found,

or not the lyrics, but the description of how each song came to be. And my favorite is um the one about i'm gonna you'll get you in the no if i catch you with another man that's the end little girl i've talked about it a million times on this podcast but i obsess with that like i'd rather see your dead little girl than to be with another man You better keep your head little girl Or you won't know where I am What the fuck

He's telling her you better watch out I'm coming I'm gonna kill you Yes Run for your life if you can little girl Hide your head in the sand little girl If I catch you with another man That's the end

Little girl And then it's like Festive Yeah that's a great song girl and then it's like boom boom boom festive um yeah that's a great song nobody told him to add to say and i know he just added that i love when musicians make choices like that where you're like what the fuck is that i do have to say that um uh when people say may like um you were looking at me like in out of the woods taylor says you were looking at me and it's you were looking at may instead of me it's because me sounds very bad when you sing it so as a person who takes singing lessons i've learned that people will say different um things

in lieu of the actual word so ariana grande it a lot. She just, she is very experimental with the words she chooses to sing. But yeah, that it's gonna be May. He just leaned into May a little bit more than it's gonna be me. No one wants to hear me.

It doesn't sound sonically pleasing. Isn't it? Do-re-me? Do-re-me. Yeah, I guess it is. But me sounds bad. Like there's this Taylor Swift song, the August song.

Back when we were still changing for the better. Hold on. Wanting was enough. For me, it was enough. For me, it was enough. To live for the hope of it all. Cancel plans just in case you call. To meet me behind the mall.

So much for summer love. And saying us. Cause you weren't. Okay. Cause you weren't mine instead of mine. Cause you weren't Montalouse mine because you weren't mine to lose so you say like a jamaican yeah mon so every time i sing that song i have to remember to say because you weren't mine to lose because if i said because you weren't mine to lose it goes like

and then it makes sure oh you like it and it's not as pleasantly sounding You sound like Aziz Ansari If you do that Cause you weren't mine to lose Oh my god The Beatles have a song called Maggie Mae And they sing it Oh dirty Maggie me Because they don't want it to sound

Oh right you gotta do it the other way Oh that's good That's what I was implying with that I like it I don't know that Maggie Mae song Oh that's good I like that a lot That's what I was implying with that I like it I liked it First I was I don't know that Maggie Mae song I just know

Oh dirty Maggie Mae I think that's how it goes I don't like that song I think And I also don't like Hey Bulldog I'm sorry to anyone Who likes Hey Bulldog Hey Bulldog

Oh yeah I forgot that song Even existed Yeah Some quick Beatles trivia Before the break Yeah please So you know the song The End

Which is the third act Of the trilogy Golden Slumbers And in the end Yes So that song Was actually the last song The Beatles together

Ever recorded And it was The End And it wasn't the last song They released though Because they released The albums out of order. They didn't let it be after they did Abbey Road. Right.

But they recorded Abbey Road before. Yes. Holy shit. So the last song that they ever recorded was together, all together, was the end, which is pretty cool trivia. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Do you like the new song that Now and Forever, what's it called?

Now and Then. It's their new release that just they put together a bunch of old recordings. I have not heard it yet. It's the last of the tracks that will ever come out of the Beatles. They're not going to squeeze the sponge anymore. I remember there was Real Love. Which is one of my favorite songs ever. It's like, God damn, that motherfucker.

That song is so fucking good. Yeah. Real Love is amazing. That was like, came out in 1997 or eight or something like that. That was with the anthology. And then the first anthology song

though was, um, Real Love was the second one. No, no, no. It was a different one. Cause red is the color

that will make me blue in spite of you. Isn't that, wasn't that a, no, Yes It Is is on a, Yes It Is is on an album. Red is the color that will make me blue. In spite of you, it's true. No, Yes It Is is on an album. I can almost guarantee it. Let's go to break and we'll figure this out when we get back. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome back to the show. Okay, the other Beatles anthology song was Free as a Bird, which I love because John Lennon sounds so spooky in it because they don't have his, like, the recording shit. So it's like, Free as the bird It's the next best thing It's so good

When that piece of shit shot John Lennon He like killed the equivalent Of a thousand people or something I mean what a What a theft on humanity To steal that man You know at least George Harrison was stolen by

God, but John Lennon was stolen by a man. He was stolen by cancer, yeah, which I guess God gave him. Yes, and it's just like... For all that dope he smoked in the 60s. We don't know if the Beatles were going to ever... I bet you the Beatles would have gotten back together in the 90s or something.

A thousand percent! No question. The only people that don't get back together in the 90s or something. A thousand percent. No question. The only people that don't get back together for money is the Oasis Brothers. Those two are like really I can't believe enough money hasn't been offered for those two to settle their grievances. But the Beatles would have

totally gotten back together. You might see them back with AI. Yeah, you're right. That will happen. Fuck that. But they're not going to will happen. Fuck that. But they're not going to make new Beatles songs that are, you know. They might be able to do it with AI. Oh my God. I don't believe AI is capable of doing anything artistic that's good.

Really? That's right. It doesn't mean they won't make it. It doesn't mean they won't make it. I agree with you. I know that AI is making a lot of music now and beats and stuff like that. But I feel like there's two things that AI can't do. One is they can't make anything truly original because everything is taken from other artists and cobbled together.

Number two, they can't have human experiences. Therefore, the art that they're creating is based on nothing and i feel like art can't they learn about having human experiences from observing from you know consuming all of our media and writing and you can only mimic what other it's it's just it's just all ai is right now is this predictive it's just a prediction. It's just predicting what the next word most highly probable would be after the previous word that was said or whatever programming or however they're doing it.

But it's not creating new experiences. It's not experiencing anything. It's not conscious in any way. It's just probability. If I say the, it's basically like a really advanced version. You know when you're texting on your phone and it gives you like yes can we play that game can we play the game

oh my god it's so fun that's my favorite game I am going to pull up I'm gonna write to Noah okay so what you do is you pull up your phone if you have an iPhone if you have a droid what the fuck are you even listening to this podcast for I don't even want you guys to listen no I'm just kidding

droid phones actually take better pictures by far. Okay, so I'm going to pick up. I'm going to pull up Noah. And I'm going to put in. Okay, so it's starting with my predictive thing is the. And I like to do it where I press sometimes the left one, sometimes the right one. I mix it up, but I blindly mix it up. So I'm not looking.

So I'm going to make a text. Instead of Noahah i think you should pick someone on your phone that's not involved in this conversation really no matter what it says you're gonna have to send it okay i just did one for you nikki and it's someone who won't get mad okay i don't think you should pick me because mine that i just did for you is just hi there just wanted you to see how you're feeling today oh my god that's good that's so you and me because also it kind of starts almost like you're like hey i just want to make sure those files uploaded if if you could check like it's still like hey not a big deal i

know you have a lot going on today like that's i would predict noah's would be like hey it's always understanding of my circumstance plus asking me for something, plus a caveat of you don't have to do this now. It doesn't really matter. I love you. It's always like she's the best friend a person could ask for. Like, God. I love it. Okay, so I'm going to pick... Why don't you send a text to

Kirsten or something? Okay, I'll send it to Kirsten. She'll be so confused, but she's probably teaching a politics test right now, so I have time before she starts. Okay. So I'm pressing it blindly. You have to do at least until a sentence is formed. No, I'm doing it like so much. I'm going, and I'm going fast, okay? Oh, there's some emojis

coming in. Wow. You got emojis in there? Oh my God. Okay. Tell me when to stop. Stop. The only way I could do that was if I could find someone to help you with your car payment. I could get it paid for you. If you would rather, I can pay you for it.

If I can do that and you don't have a problem, I just want you to be honest. I just don't know if I can help you. You can help you out. If you're not busy or not, if you're busy, just let us be friends. I love you. I hope you're okay. Wow. That really encapsulates a Nikki Glaser text.

I can pay you. I'll letaser text. I can pay you. I'll let you know when I can pay you. It's no problem, but can I pay you? And I love you and I'm just very busy and I hope you're well. And you wanted to be honest. Oh yeah. And I want you to be honest.

I mean, that could not be more Nikki Glaser. I just have to write. That's a game we played on the pod. Okay. That is so funny. All right. Okay. Who are you going to do? I don't know a lot of your circle,

but you could do your husband. Yeah, I think you do your husband. Or you can do Kirsten. You do Kirsten too. Do Kirsten too. She's going to get so many. She's going to get her car paid off. I'm going to erase the thing that I said. I'm playing a game.

Damn it. I'm erasing it. Oh, my God. Mine is so boring. Oh, no. What could it possibly be? Okay, here we go. I just pushed the middle one. Okay. Hey there, I'm on the road. I should have an hour and a half before I'm back to work. I will text when I'm leaving and I'll text when I leave

and I can come get the car if that's cool and I'll be home by five. Oh my God, the car payment. I talked to her. She's going to be so confused. Wow. So Nikki's paying for the car and Noah's going to go pick it up.

Can you imagine getting two disparate texts about this car payment that she's got to be honest with? It's again, I like how Noah's is, Noah, we can tell when you text, it's mostly about alerting people to like, let them know that something's going to happen. Right? Like you use your phone for like the reason it should be used. It's like, hey, I'm going to arrive at this time. This is stuff you need to know I really like that okay Brian

do you want do you have her number I don't know I have the car why are you here you have to pick it up what's her number oh wait you can't tell me your number on the yeah I could we could just bleep it do you want to do it yeah okay

okay here we go did you just do middle Nicky or did you do we can just bleep it. Do you want to do it? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Did you just do middle, Nikki, or did you do first and third and middle or whatever you want? I went all over. I went like, like I was just like pressing very feverishly fast.

Okay. Tell me when to stop. Stop. Okay. Please tell me You are not gonna fucking believe this No way It's listening then I'm a little late, clock emoji

To this one, but I'm gonna go and see if they're available For a little visit tomorrow morning I will be there to get it And then I can get the car No way. Shut the fuck up. No way. Stop it.

I am not. Hold on. Hold the fuck on. Wait, send it. Do you see that? Send it. And it's a car emoji. And a car emoji.

Okay, I'm going to text her now. You just got a random text from Brian Frangie because we're on the podcast and we're sending predictive texts of what our phone would think to send you, period. We each had a text predict that we should send you something about a car, period. Be on the lookout for car stuff today. Yeah. I mean, maybe it's Kirsten, not us. Oh, weird.

When I said car here, when I wrote car stuff, when I dictatedated it it was C-A-R-R like Alan car or Jimmy car oh whoa that's so fun everyone should play when you're bored and have nothing else to do on your phone play predictive text games with your friends because sometimes Chris and I used to do it so often that I would always know

if I got like a giant you know tower of text that it was that and then you just read it and you go like oh my god I want to see what I would say to Chris let's just see where our relationship is at today is it different for who you're texting? I think so

or is it just based on I really do it's just based on cars oh wait which wait this fucking car what kind of car? you guys car is coming up again

no maybe because it hears us no I do you think it's hearing us And it's saying We're Well No Because it's not hearing you

Because I'm hearing you Through my headphones And my phone Is not hearing that The only way I could get the job Is to go back in

And get my car serviced And so I can go back And do the work For you But you will have a good night. I will see if you want me to. If not, I'll get you something else. I don't care about that, but you know what? You don't have a job and you can do whatever. I don't want you know I love you that you have to work for a lot and you have a job and I don't care if I have a problem. I don't care if I have a problem.

It's so me. You know what? I feel like I'm a good person based on these things. I feel like I'm a very empathetic. This is an empathetic person's predictive AI texting. You're trying to explain how you feel. You're saying that you love the person regardless. And you just want to fix the problem.

And if you need to pay for it, you will. And the thing is, my car needs to be serviced so bad, you guys. It is leaking oil onto the engine, then it's burning and then the burnt oil smell travels into my nose. I really am getting brain damage probably from breathing in this but it's not actually

ruining the car. It's just ruining me. you gotta get a new car dude i do it is so embarrassing to pull up in this car in this town people think i'm like a big deal and then i pull up in my mom's beat up lexus which is a nice lexus's are so nice but it's like 2003 it's so old and it's like really dented up i backed into a trailer it poked a hole through the back bumper so it looks i have aented up. I backed into a trailer, poked a hole through the back bumper. So it looks, I have a bullet hole back there.

There's a lot going on. But anyway, last night, so we go to this, we need a picture of this car, please. Oh my God. I will.

I'll, I'll give you one. Like people need to see what it is. It's a faded dusty green. So it always looks dirty. Like it's kind of dusty green that you can't, it can't look clean. And also, I don't like that this happens, but it needs a whitening for its lights.

Like it's almost like teeth are like the lights of a car. And my cars are yellowing. Like the lights are yellow. So it always looks dirty. Always. And yeah, it drives like a dream. It's so smooth and I love it. But I really need a new car i i have

a feeling chris and i are gonna find one over the break and i will have a new car soon and i will feel amazing about it and you guys will hear about it so much i will text you about it all the time because that's all my phone wants to even talk about anyway um but yo so yo, so let me just say, fucking my phone needs to learn that. Who are you? Yo, we're at St. Vincent de Paul, yo, and we are thrifting. And my mom's like, your dad's mad at me because I want to go to this oyster bar

to hear this band and your dad doesn't like them. And I go, mom, and this is what the, you know, when we were talking the other day about, do you ever feel like you're counseling your parents? I always just, and this helps me a lot with my relationship. I go, the things I see my parents repeatedly argue about and complain about within their marriage. It's like, they knew both these things. They knew all of these things about each other when they got married. And there's this delusion that somehow along the way in 42 years of marriage, that someone's going to change. And I go, mom,

dad married a party animal and a woman who likes to party. And he can't, it does make sense to think that your wife would mellow out into her 60s, but she, he has, she hasn't, she's a party animal. And I go, dad has to reckon with that. He has to just realize that you like to party. And also he benefits from that so much because my dad does like to party and they both stay up late and play music into the night, into like three in the morning, a lot of times with their friends and stuff. Yeah. They'll do it alone.

Oh my God. Yeah. That's so cool. That's so cool. Yeah. They, they love staying up late and playing music and they're not like deeply unhealthy people or like, you know, they're not, you know, horrible booze hounds. They're just, they like to have a good time.

And it's like, it's, I love coming from that kind of stock of people who just like, like a good party. But my, my mom likes to party a little bit hardier than my dad. She likes to drink a little bit more. She likes to get shwasted, which your, your girl relates to. My mom likes to get a little blackout. And, and, you know, she's going to be having dementia soon, which that will be a little blackout and um and you know she's gonna be having dementia soon which her that will be her being blackout all the time like you know when grandmas get like they forget stuff and people just go oh but when people who drink to blackout get drunk everyone's

like you don't remember that like they punish you for it so i think it's yeah i always um i well one of them's you're you're doing and the other one is i don't think it's your fault that you want to drink to blackout well sure sure you want to get into that yeah yeah you know you know how i feel about that stuff yes yes nothing's interesting nothing special and everything's not your fault but also it is um so yeah anyway it was just an interesting conversation of and she kind of was like thank you yeah you're right you know and then um and then later on i was like dad are you mad we're driving her to this bar and he's like i'm not mad i get to go home be alone in peace it's gonna be nice i was just like he's mad about it but um yeah they're just they're just cuties and they

went to this party it was so fun going to a party with my parents. He's going to go home and start working on his conspiracy novel. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Trying to match Anya's dad. And get 31 sales. I was just like, is someone jealous? I called him out. He goes, I kind of am. And I was like, thank you for admitting you're a little bit threatened by this, like, a friend of mine whose dad wrote a book. And then I was thinking about, like, God, can you ever look at all these books and just go like, I can't believe people wrote this many books.

It is so hard to write a fucking book, man. So many people have done it. I think it's even harder now because there's less to do. Back in the olden days, that was just kind of what... There's not much to do. When you got a typewriter, that was like scrolling on your phone.

People would be like, God, you're wasting your life writing that book over there on the typewriter. All you're doing is just typing. That's how I feel, especially about nonfiction books. Every couple of years, some random politician that was just in the State Department

will write a 300-page book about the year. And it's like, man. And then people read that book that year, and then it's just a waste. And then it's just... I mean you know people and people read that book that year and then it's just a waste and then it's just i mean isn't that everything though you put so much effort into it and then it's just fleeting i saw this really interesting thought experiment today on instagram i put it on the girls chat but it was this girl it started out really annoying i like hated her

she was just like let's do a thought experiment and i love thought experiments because they're usually i've always heard thought experiment. I first enjoyed or heard the phrase thought experiment from Sam Harris, who is obviously the most intellectual person I could imagine. And so I liked them at first because they just, they're usually philosophical questions that make you go, oh my God, they totally turn your world around. And this one actually interested me. So this girl was talking about, imagine your life is fast forwarded and all of a sudden all of the things in your life just flash by in a second. Like the seasons change and you're watching the earth spin and you're seeing the seasons change and the sunrise and sunset and it's going so fast and all of the birthdays and

anniversaries and the celebrations and Christmases and everything just... And then all of a sudden you're there at the end of your life and you're laying in bed at the end of your life. It's the last day of your life. You've arrived at it. And your consciousness is going through every single day of the past 90 years of your life. And it decides to pick one day to pull up for you,

to watch again and to relive. And suddenly you are in, let's say that day is today. You right now watching this at home. It's today, right now that it picks up. And wouldn't you want that day to be something where you're not laying in bed, scrolling on a phone? Wouldn't you want in your 90 year old self, you get to one more day, be in a younger body

with this young skin and the young hair and your flexible joints and your strong bones. Wouldn't you want to go do something with that body that's like walk outside and breathe in the air, which is probably at 90 not really breathable because you can't go outside anymore. Don't you want to go look at animals that are probably extinct? I'm adding all of these things because I believe in a more dystopian future than this girl probably did. But don't you want to go look at animals? Don't you want to go call up someone who's now long dead and you haven't talked to in 30 years since they passed away?

Don't you want to go do that? And it really, for whatever reason, at first I was rolling my eyes and then I was like, man, this is like really tracking for me because I all of a sudden put myself in my 90-year-old body when all of my friends are dead.

All of the people that are now currently in my life are gone, long gone. And I was like, I need to go see my fucking niece and nephew today. Like, it created the surge in me that after I get done with... Well, they'll probably be alive still. Yeah, they'll probably... Actually, they will be. Okay, I shouldn't go see that. You gotta go see some older people.

I gotta go hang out with... Never see them. My mom will probably still be trucking. Yeah, I shouldn't. Yeah. I could see them then. Yeah. They'll be there holding up the simulation for me to watch. I don't know if they'll have to hold up an iPad for the simulation, but they'll be there.

I go to a Led Zeppelin cover band. That's what I would do. That's living, baby. What my mom is doing is living. And that's not to say that scrolling isn't fun. I like scrolling on my phone. There's no shame in that. I like going on Reddit.

I like listening to podcasts. I like being in bed in the dark. I like scrolling on my phone. There's no shame in that. I like going on Reddit. I like listening to podcasts. I like being in bed in the dark. I like those things. It is okay. But spending your whole day doing that, not okay. You know, like even if you suffer with depression,

like try to do something that gets you out so that if that day is the day you choose at the end of your life, which we don't know that this is a thing that even happens, that there's something in that day that you go, whoa,

I get to feel my body. I get to be young again. I get to be around people that I love again and enjoy the world that once was. I thought that was kind of just a way to enjoy. Yeah, that is cool. Yeah, I liked it. I had a belief a few times where when you die,

you just start re-watching your entire life. One thing I think is that what if hell is you have to redo everything you did in your life except everything is grouped together. So like, let's say you ate turkey sandwich. You ate a thousand turkey sandwiches over the course of your life. In hell, you have to eat 1,000 turkey sandwiches in a row

before you can move on to the next thing. Let's say you took poops for 780 hours total. Then you have to poop for that long in hell. Let's say you had sex. Because everything's bad if it's long enough. So it's all things added together in a row. That's one thing I've thought before. Well, I was watching this girl yesterday

A girl I follow Katina Kilo Kilo Katina Kilo Katina Kilo Katina Eats I think is her name She eats a bunch of food

On Instagram She's not a mukbanger necessarily she just does food challenges all over the world and she's so adorable she looks like Noah oh and she is a like has been a bodybuilder before and I'm guessing she does some kind of MMA but she also met her

husband who is also a food competitive eater through the competitive eating like community and she met him and they would do videos together just like we're friends and then they just like started dating it was so cute you could tell they got together to like because they probably had like a crush on each other but didn't need to it was just you know it's like how comedians sometimes like start dating and you can see like a podcast where they first met or whatever it's just it's fun to see that kind of

stuff in the like the nascence of their relationship. Anyway, so Katina Kilos, whatever, she ate a deep dish Chicago pizza the other day and a giant thing of beer and a giant pizza and a thing of fries. And I was like watching it because I was like, damn, that looks good. Like my vegan self is just like, oh, that cheese pull because the cheese pull was just like, it was so good. And then it got to a place where she was, you know, it was like her hell where she was eating this pizza and you could just tell she was just like, oh, like, it's so funny how something so amazing can go from being like the greatest thing in the world to like, if I have another bite, I'll die. And I hate it so much. I used to feel that all the way, all the time with Skyline Chili. I used to always binge too much of it as a kid. And then I would be like, how can I love something so much? And then I hate it so much. I used to feel that all the time with Skyline Chili. I used to always binge too much of it as a kid, and then I would be like,

how can I love something so much, and then I hate it? It is all things. Yeah. Fuck. Too much of anything is bad. That's why separate bedrooms, dog. People have been writing me about separate bedrooms.

Did you see a thing? There was some kind of study that came out that like, well, first of all, Cameron Diaz says she does separate bedrooms in her relationship. No. Really? Was it her? No, no, no. No, no, no. When I looked closely. Wait. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

She says we should normalize the conversation. She says there's nothing bad if you sleep in separate bedrooms, but, and she said this was her opinion before marriage, but she also said, said this was her opinion before marriage but she also said which i feel like is kind of like like a little bit assuming that your marriage is bad if you do it she's like my marriage is so good right now that we don't need to do it yeah that's

not good that's judge fuck you oh my god you should have seen like you read the comments about just the headline that seemed like she was just in support of separate bedrooms for a healthy relationship and you should have read the comments it's just like all these threatened fucking dads chads and brads to quote taylor swift that are like the uh if you want to unhealth well i actually don't need this because i love my wife my husband and i don't need this because he loves me and it's just like you guys are so fucking threatened and i bet you anything people commenting that you everyone maybe your husband loves you but everyone else in your life hates you it's the and he is stuck with you you are a terrible person there's the there are the worst people commenting on instagram things if you want to see the work

the dregs of society look at any comment um under like the daily males instagram it's truly or e or e news any celebrity news i'm so embarrassed to be someone who likes this kind of stuff because the people that comment on it are seriously the dumbest moronic most judgmental miserable oh my god you've ever imagined. Part of me thinks they're fake. Part of me thinks it's just like to dumb us all down like a big conspiracy. They're real people, dude. I think they're real.

They definitely are. I want to keep talking about separate bedrooms, but yesterday you posted a... God, I forgot the comedian, but you posted that he was on the airplane and he caught two people.

Oh, Adam Ray. It was Adam Ray. Caught two people. Why don't you describe it, Nick? Oh my God. Okay. Well, let me describe it when we get back from break

because it, yeah, I would love to hear your addition. We'll talk about Adam Ray's Instagram post that I was like, my comment was, I have to text you immediately to find out what the rest of the story happened.

And I'll tell you what I texted him after this. Yes. And I did not find out because it's, yeah. Okay. uh we'll talk about it after this catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top

of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Okay, so we're back. So Adam ray yesterday posted a video of him um filming a couple watching a movie full volume on their phone together and he's sitting next to sandy danto his opener i'm guessing um and sandy danto he puts the phone he's filming the couple you can't see adam and then he moves it onto sandy and sandy's just laughing like i can't believe this kind of like eyes wide open like holy fuck and then he goes back to the guy the guy then takes a a handful of peanuts or cashews or whatever eats some of it and as he's eating it he kind of catches that adam's filming him and he looks over and he just stares at him down for probably like five seconds. And then Adam just goes, it's so loud.

It's so loud. And then the woman looks over and then she suddenly starts turning it down. She's like, he goes, no, no, no, it's fine. It's just hilarious. And then it cuts off. So I was like, what the fuck happened after that? It was a perfect approach.

Adam Ray, I love Adam Ray so much. If you aren't following Adam Ray on YouTube and Instagram, you don't know what's up. He is one of the funniest, most quickest guys out there. His character work is hilarious. He does Dr. Phil live at the comedy store and he puts up those live shows. He did one with Bill Burr.

He did one with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee recently. They are so funny. He is so quick. His crowd work is amazing on his standup. He did this one clip where he was asking about someone's son or daughter. Oh my God. Did you remember that one? That made me cry.

I know, right? Hold on. I went through like a whole rollercoaster of emotions. You did? Okay. Yeah. So he asked about this person's kids and they're like, what does your son do? And they're like, oh, whatever.

And they're like, what does your other son do and he's just like quiet he goes this guy doesn't even know he doesn't even know what his son does he doesn't even give a fuck about his son it's not exactly that but it's something like that where the guy like yeah didn't answer him so he didn't adam assumed like you don't even know where your son lives or whatever and then the wife volunteers our son is dead and so and they're with a live band so adam is like jamming out oh yeah he was singing he's singing this as he's going so he's like oh fuck what did i do what did i do this is weird where do we go what do we do i don't know where to take this song and then he's like but then it turns around at the end didn't you love the end wasn't wasn't it emotional

because then he's because adam's a sweet guy. He's never going to go harder in, ever. He's like, he's one of my favorite people, but he's, I'm getting emotional thinking about it now, too, because it's awkward for a second, but the band is still going, and everyone's kind of freaking out that this woman just, like, but she seemed okay with it, saying it, so it seemed fine.

They were both so lighthearted, yeah, yeah. And then she goes, I just want you to know that my son would love this, her dead son. And he goes, that's it. yeah yeah and then she goes i just want you to know that my son would love this her dead son and he goes that's it yes and then any that's my trigger if there is a dead person that is being talked about like they are there and like that they would like have an opinion about what's happening presently it started with forrest gump where it was like jenny you'd be so proud when he said that like a dead person being cognizant of what's happening i can't handle it dude i can't fucking handle it so then i started crying

at that part too but then they started going like what's your son's name and they're like max and they're like let's give it up for max let's give it up for max and then the whole crowd is like let's give it up for max and then it's like this whole crescendo of like this this thing that could have gone so wrong becomes like this beautiful moment with the whole crowd and it was just such I couldn't believe I thought it should have gone so viral more viral than it did

so go to Adam the Ray's Instagram and watch that clip and then watch the clip of him walking which means if you walk someone as a comedian that means they walk out of the room so it's not a good thing necessarily like that means that they're offended or they got upset or like they left. So if you walk a room, it means like the whole room walked out on you.

And that's like the worst thing that could happen as a comedian. It's like, Oh, he walked the room, you know, the whole room left. Um, and Norm Macdonald famously would walk half the room,

like at shows up until his death. Like he would always offend people, which is so great. Cause they would go to see him as like, that the snl guy and like we love these from tv and then they would be horribly offended and it was like a point of pride for for him i'm sure and comedians that would like revel in watching these people like not not get norm in the way that we all do but um so adam was adam should never walk anyone because adam is uh an inclusive comedian who's like just having fun up there,

but also taking some chances and just being... He's great at crowd work. So he's doing crowd work and it was a Christmas party for this law firm. And he said something to a guy and was like, what do you do at the law firm? And he was like, maintenance work. And he made some comment about maybe that it's hard work or it's like, man, that's hard labor. He made some kind of comment that it was like, I couldn't do that. Like, oh, that sounds rough. And he kind of wasn't disparaging about it, but it was, you know, commenting on the fact that maintenance men isn't like the most cushy job at a law firm. Correct. So then one guy like stood up for the maintenance man was like, why don't you talk about your own job? Or like, yeah, because it's so easy because you're up there. And he's

just like, wait, what? Like the guy just flipped out. So then Adam tries it's so easy because you're up there and he's just like wait what like the guy just flipped out so then adam tries to go hey you're drunk like it's okay man i want you to stay like don't get upset and the guy was just stared him down you can like see this guy looking at him and then the the whole law firm decides to get up as a unit and leave the dc improv he walks 42 people in one within 10 minutes minutes. And it's so wild and hilarious. And I usually don't like watching those videos of like, watch this comedian handle this heckler. Like I don't ever watch those videos, but Adam Reich consistently puts out great stuff.

But I loved this plane moment. And I wrote Adam immediately and I said, I couldn't say it on his comments because I knew people wouldn't get the joke, but I'm like, you're as much of a hero as the let's roll guy from 9-11. And Chris didn't know that reference. And I was like, oh, there was a guy in 9-11 when they took down the hijacker plane and crashed it instead of it crashing into a building. They overheard him. It's lore. We don't know for sure he said it,

but there's one guy that was like, when they were getting at the boiling water to go pour on the terrorists, he went let's roll and so that became like this anthem of like a hero's response so i said you were up there with the let's roll guy as a as a joke because obviously he's not but um and i said what else happened he just goes yeah it was insane man so i didn't press further but i'm like god i want to know more i'll find that in person what did you want to say about it brian well the comments underneath there there's three top comments. No, I can't handle it. If anyone was

defending that couple, I can't fucking handle it, Brian. Well, do you want me to just stop? We can stop the podcast. No, don't stop. But I literally, I didn't even read the comments because I go, no one is going to not be on our side. I lost faith in humanity when I read these comments.

So the first comment on the top is your comment. I'm texting you for full story now. But then the second comment is am I the, this is from I don't want to say their name. Am I the only one that is having a hard time finding why this is a big deal

to others? Are you fucking kidding me, lady? Are you fucking kidding me, man? Yeah. And then there's 239 replies to that comment trying to explain to him why it's inconsiderate and rude and he's arguing with all of them. So I don't know if he's trolling and he's just trying

to work people up, but I really... Hopefully this is the only comment that says that, right? Like there aren't more people that are on this person's side, right? How many likes does that comment have? 68 that is problematic dude that's that's not good that's too many likes he goes on in his own comments put in your earphones y'all are crying about something you can fix and getting mad about not being able to control others oh well stay mad it's so it's so brazenly obnoxious i i i feel like a liberal i feel like a liberal this is the only thing that can get my mouth to open as far as

taylor swiss i am aghast at anyone defending these two pieces of shit i can't believe two people have agreed that this is a good idea on a plane to listen full volume to their phone when they are in a first class cabin it looked like it was a business class cabin not that it's like business class people should behave better but kind of i mean like you've probably been there before you know like that's a quiet space wait i what is one of the rudest things that you experienced on a flight happening next that happened does anything come to mind that happened next to me does anything come to mind that happened next to me but it wasn't a couple it wasn't two people who agreed by the way when two

people like this ever agree to do something so insane together chris likes to say it reminds me of incest that like a brother and sister both had to be like hey i'm into fucking you and they had to like both agree i thought that was a really funny comment but it is he's always like i can't whenever he hears about incest he's's like, I can't believe two people agreed that that was a good idea. Like, the odds of that are wild. Which means there's probably

a lot more people, single people, wanting to fuck their sister or brother out there. Oh, she didn't really think. Can I tell you the worst thing? Yeah,

what is the worst thing you saw? I think that I can top that. The worst thing for me was some lady was changing her baby in the seats in front of us. Not going to the bathroom. Instead of going to the bathroom to change the baby.

Did she get confronted? Yes. Thank goodness. By the flight attendant? A very sassy flight attendant that was like, you have to go do that in the bathroom. And then he came over

and he like sprayed the area with like air freshener, which is also disgusting. Made it a little bit worse. Yeah, no one needs to breathe. Air freshener is horrible for you, by the way. Like no one should be using any of that shit. We have been so lied to that that is good for us in any way. There was another thing.

I watched my Big Al Febreze commercial that I put on my Instagram. Yeah. Okay. It's one of my most underrated Instagram cartoons of all time, but it's Big Al doing a Febreze commercial that I put on my Instagram. Yeah. Okay. It's one of my most underrated Instagram cartoons of all time, but it's Big Al doing a Febreze commercial where I talk about how

Febreze just thinks the world stinks like shit and needs to be sprayed with chemicals. It is chemicals, but for somehow we convince ourselves that that is really, we should all be huffing it constantly. Just put your face into the pillow you just sprayed with this Procter & Gamble

doesn't make any sense. Like killing ducks runoff bullshit that like Yes. It's very sad. It's sad that you think that you need to

that your couch stinks like shit and needs to be sprayed with chemicals. But it needs to be cleaned in like a way where that the water runs through it

not just spraying onto it. Do you know another delusional marketing thing that I talked about last night at a party because i was with a i was with a woman who's a vet tech or used to be she was like i quit two years ago because it's the most depressing job you can ever imagine as someone who loves animals like you just have to get out of it and i go oh my god we have the two leading um occupations of suicides comedians and vet techs and she was like this i think i think comedians and vet techs. I thought dentists.

I think comedians probably, if you were to average the amount of comedians that kill themselves versus comedians that exist, we'd probably be up there with dentists. But it's veterans, veterinarians, dentists, and I would say people in show business kill themselves the most. But she was like, oh my God, yeah, we totally are. And she was like, yeah, it was just,

she goes, I was a really happy person and i loved my life and i loved life and i loved animals but i just witnessed so much abuse animal abuse and and i was like i didn't want to make her sadder but i'm like and that those are abusers bringing in their dogs think about all the if you abuse your dog most of the time you're not bringing it in like that's that's people who would risk getting caught. So those are the kinder abusers. And she said it was just constant. And so she was like a walking zombie after doing it for a few years and she had to quit.

She had to walk away from a job that she loved so much for so many reasons, but she just couldn't do it anymore because it was just so upsetting. So yeah, everyone needs to be nicer to animals across the board. But she was talking about she brushes her dog's teeth every night all of her dogs she has three dogs and she brushes all their teeth every night and um and then chris said something like oh you can't just give them that bone shaped as a brush a toothbrush and i'm like oh yeah greenies we all to the people behind greenies the evil evil geniuses behind those toothbrush shaped bones you are so deluded i even believe it like it's shaped like a toothbrush yeah why wouldn't it

clean my dog's teeth she goes that would be like me telling you to gnaw on something to clean your teeth it doesn't make any fucking sense yeah yeah it doesn't clean your dog's teeth please stop giving them those actually you should be brushing your dog's teeth. Please stop giving them those. Actually, you should be brushing your dog's teeth. I know I wouldn't. I mean, I'm getting a dog soon, and I doubt that I would. But that is what everyone should be doing for your dog, which is insane that we have to do that.

And cats. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do that. Final thought. Do you brush? Do you brush Buzzy's teeth? Yeah. I use the brush to wet it a little bit and then I stroke the side of his head so he

feels it's his mom's tongue. But now I have to move it over to his mouth. Your mom's about to get funky with you. She's about to... Are these two into the same thing? Oh my god, what are the odds? Wait, what is your daily interaction with Buzzy? I want to know as a cat owner,

like how much are you seeing your cat? How much are you interacting with it? How like, because dog owners, it's like you wake up, it's right away dog time. Gotta walk it, gotta feed it, gotta fucking talk to it. And then it's like throughout the day,

it's like a constant thing that you need to address. Now I'm wondering as a cat owner like how much interaction on a good day do you have with buzzy in terms of like maybe it's not a good or bad is negligible it's just um the what's the most you have what's the least okay what's your routine so the okay so what we realized is get the cat on the cat feeder so we have an automatic cat fever the feeder that goes off at like six in the morning. So I don't have to go downstairs and feed him.

Otherwise he would be like meowing all over the place. Because he's up and he's ready. Yes. So now what he does is after it goes off. How did he figure out the cat feeder? Huh? How did he figure it out? He probably thought like,

there's no way I can get food without you being there. How did he realize this robot thing is feeding me? Or did he figure it out like what he probably thought like there's no way i can get food without you being there how did he realize this robot thing is feeding me or did he just hear because it dispenses it and uh like avi recorded a stupid thing that calls him okay so on the cat feeder it has that like it has a recording that goes like yeah so it's just like buzzy buzzy come buzzy buzzy it's a little bit stupider with the things that we call him that's so cute okay so he figured it out that way yeah and then afterwards he he comes he like zooms to our bedroom and he wants to play a little bit and by that point i'm already awake because at six fifteen, so it's like 6, like 605. What if you want to sleep in?

I wake up, I have no choice, and then I feel bad. I'm like, oh, he just wants to play, so I take a wand that I... Like, hanging off the bed with your arm, like kind of still lying? Yeah, so it's like a long stick, and I stick it underneath my mattress so I could just like literally

put my arm down and just pick it up. And then I just swish the little birdie around and he pounces it and jumps around and catches it. It's really cute. And then once he's done with that... How long does that go on for? And do you decide when it's done or does he literally go, I'm cool with this now? I feel like animals are never done.

No, he's... Sometimes he'll do it like three times. Sometimes he'll do it like three times. Sometimes he'll want to do it more. Three times like you just flick it one, two, three

like it's like literally 30 seconds. Yeah. And then he goes back down and he eats and then he does his own little thing in the morning.

But he just ate, I thought. He doesn't no, he eats a little bit and then he comes up and wants to feel like he's hunting then he goes back

and eats the rest. He's got to know he's got to earn it. Got it. And then he'll he'll come back up and um he usually control on this cat i love that he's like i'm gonna save some for later like i don't know any animal that's just yeah i need to hunt that bird first three times well that's what i had to i had to learn like cats are not at all like like dogs even if i put a treat in front of him he doesn't just scarf it like he can't find it right he like has to look for it what yeah jack's like that too wait what do you mean you know how like a dog will just like inhale a treat like a vacuum yes so buzzy like i'll show him the treat and then i'll put it down and then he like can't find it

on the floor right away is it because of his like eyes and perception like the cats don't can't find it on the floor right away. Is it because of his eyes and perception? Like cats can't see it? Or is he playing games with it? No, no. He's not playing. He's dieting. I think he's watching his figure. I think he's having... Oh, no. That's so cute.

And then what's the rest of the day of the interaction? And then he'll have his morning zoomies and then he pretty much sleeps the rest of the day and then in the evening it's pretty much the same routine around his meal time so you just have to play with him like so and then when you're like sitting down and watching tv are you petting him like is he is he around all the time like while you're editing is he like coming up and rubbing up in your leg and you kind of just touch him a little bit does he sit on your lap as you walk across your keyboard is he like he'll he'll do that um like just like a just a touch he just gives you a little bit during the

day i want a pet so fucking bad i just want something to like try to like get my attention and love me but it's hard with the cat you have a lot you have to have a lot of self-control because they it's not like a dog where they'll take any kind of attention that you want to give them yeah they'll let you do it for a little bit and then they're over it so you can't like i can't i just want to like squeeze him so much but he will not let the squeezes happen like he's yeah they're aloof he just gives me a little oh my god why do they do that why are cats so cool i know cats so hard to get i don't get it but it But it's, is that the different,

but do you ever get to cuddle with him to the degree that you would like to? Oh, to the degree that I would like to? No, no, it's never going to last that long. And he will like fight and claw to get away if you want it longer.

He, he never claws in a way where it hurts me. It's just almost like a little bit of a warning. Like, okay, I'm sorry I'm asking so many Dumb cat questions But when you

Enter into your home Does he greet you Is there like Yes I'm excited to see you Like And then like Are you talking about

Getting a cat No Not even for a second Cause I don't wanna get That weird microbe That like gets in your body If you have cats Like you get a

You get a bacteria Well it's in the cat's urine That makes you Like the smell of cat urine urine that makes you like the smell of cat urine more just make Chris clean the litter box no it doesn't matter you're still gonna get it

I probably already have it because I've been around cats before but the idea that they could give me something I don't already have I don't like that and it just it kind of it makes me think of like a little worm going like through my brain i just like it makes me feel weird but i do and yes i'm thinking about getting a bird or um i was even thinking about getting

hamsters or like something easy but um i eye on a dog that is seven years old whose owner died at the age of 32. I don't know the circumstances, but it was just surrendered and it's very confused. And it's seven years old. So it has another half of its life to live. It's like middle-aged.

Yeah, I know. It's so sweet. And so I might get to see that. I'm going to LA. I'm presenting at the Emmy Awards, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards. Let me be specific. It will be airing on FXX on January 10th, I think,

but I'm shooting it on January 7th, which is my sister's birthday. You know, we almost won a Creative Arts Emmy. We did for Not Safe Digital Team. Not Safe Digital Team. Brian Frangie had to present to the Emmy Society. With me and Zoe. Yeah, Zoe Klar.

We both had to present to the Emmy Committee, and we did not know what we were getting into. I can't even imagine the people that were in that room. There was like 12 people in that room. They were probably so much more important than I realized at the time. But me and Zoe had to go in there and do a little presentation. We did a fine job with the presentation.

It was just a little naive because when we got there, we were like, okay, I think we might have a shot at this. It's either us or at midnight, right? And there was a presentation going on in the room before us. And when they finished, the presenter exited the room, and it was like our turn.

It was like going in for a job interview. I don't know if Nikki probably knows the answer, but guess who walked out of the room who presented right before us? Me and Zoe, two no-name digital producers. Who walked out of the room? I mean, Chris Hardwick? Joseph Gordon-Levitt was the one

to present right before us. So he does his thing. He's presenting about some band thing he was doing. Oh yeah, Hit Record Joe. Yeah, and then Brian and Zoe come in after Joseph Gordon-Levitt and try to convince them that we deserve a creative arts Emmy for making

Snapchats about pussies. God, there's those moments in life where you go, I am in over my head and I don't belong here. I had no idea. I bet you Shonda Rhimes was in that room or something. I didn't even know who any of the people were because they were so

behind the scenes famous. Were you so nervous? That's the thing. We weren't that nervous because we didn't know what the fuck what we were getting into. We didn't know Joseph Gordon-Levitt was going to be presenting and we didn't know who we were talking to.

I hope all of those people have that day as the last day the day on their last day of their life where they have to go back and watch that day and they have to re-watch

your presentation and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's which I'm sure was really cute. Yes. Can you believe that the guy who made that presentation is the same guy who blew up all

those buildings in Oklahoma or whatever? Wait, what? I was creating a scenario where I became a terrorist and then they had to rewatch it. Anyway, it didn't work out. You went back to Oklahoma? I don't know. You finished the job you started? I ran out of steam.

Yeah, I ran out of steam. I do want to update. Kirsten texted back. What'd she say? She said, Hi, Brian. Which I don't know. I guess you told her that I texted?

Yeah, I said, you just got a random text from Brian Frangie. Okay. Hi, Brian. Yeah, sure thing. Just come by tomorrow and bring the car. She's great. Yeah, she said,

maybe I'll be getting a car today. I'll stay safe in the car. She said to me, bah, ha, maybe I'll be getting a car today. I'll stay safe in the car. She said to me, LOL podcast. Yes, she'll hear this. She listens to the pod, so I like that she'll hear herself being texted on the pod. I was just about to say, oh,

can I just say, I watched the movie May-December on Netflix. Okay, yeah. It's so bad. I cannot believe. Oh, no. They're hoping. They're hoping that's an award winner.

Are you joking me? That's like their big play to win awards is May December. Well, they've got the star power in it. And that's not to say that Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore didn't do an amazing job in those roles. But fucking movie besties who have seen it are you with me were you satisfied with that ending spoiler alert it's a bad ending it gives you fucking nothing it's it ends in the

middle of it like there's no feeling you get at the end of it i kind of like movies that leave you hanging i don't i don't hate it i don't hate a movie going against like what a movie should do and give you some kind of uh you know concluding uh moment of like oh thank god they got together i like movies where people don't end up together i love romeo and juliette where they both fucking die at the end i love that shit but this is just nothing happens it's so dumb and artsy julianne moore gave the character a lisp because in the movie julianne moore plays a woman who had an affair with her student a mary kayla turn this is basically the story of mary kayla turno who had an affair with

her sixth grade student and hell yeah and then yeah hell. And then had his baby and everything. So this is this woman. She is now living with this man that she had an affair with. But now he is my age and she is much older. And they have kids together. And they live in this community. And Natalie Portman is going to play her in a movie. And so Natalie Portman is this actress that comes out to follow her around and study her life. And Julianne Moore gave the character a lisp

so that Natalie Portman would have something to do, pretty much. But she gave her a lisp halfway through the movie. Suddenly Chris and I are watching this and we go, does she have a lisp? And we go, you can tell that like she may have, maybe they shot the scene that we're talking about where the lisp comes out maybe first.

And then she goes, oh oh this is a little much i'm gonna lay off it for the rest of the movie and then but it's so strong from halfway through the move maybe three quarters of the movie and then till the end it's like it's seriously like this and it's this pronounced and it is not noticeable even before that so then nally portman is really getting into character so she starts doing it a lot it's um really that's really weird even though it's a good choice had it been consistent i i just think that it was a weird choice to have it show up halfway through maybe i'm the only one that only noticed it halfway through but i know i'm not because chris also only noticed it halfway through and we both looked at each other at the same time and go what was that what did she just say why does she have a list what's going on like maybe she had a tooth

operation that day she shot this this scene nope it's in all the other scenes too after that also um it's what else did i have there's the ending is dumb oh oh my god the music my god the music it takes itself so seriously throughout the movie there is this piano that goes like bing bong bing bong bing bong bing like but it is so overdone and every scene it's at first you think it's funny, like they're making fun of like a movie that does that. It was whoever did the movie Deepwater, I go, there has to be, this person did this movie too. Because it is so taking itself too seriously, but it's not that good. And let me just say, I've never written a movie. So if you were watching this, if someone in your life sent this to you and you're part of the movie, that is a bad friend who sent this to you.

Who like sends you criticism of your movie. So you should get that friend out of your life if you are watching this and someone told you to watch it. Also, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I've never made a movie. I've never written a movie. A movie I would write would probably be horrible. I definitely would use better music. The irony is

in the movie that Natalie Portman is making within the movie, right? Julianne Moore's son is like this kind of guy that he was, he was a son from her first marriage. And he's like, yeah, my mom's fucking, she blew up our family, man. And he's kind of like, looks like Machine Gun Kelly. And he's kind of like a rebel. And he's talking to Natalie Portman's character and he threatens Natalie Portman's character because he goes, you know, I could go to the press about you and my mom and ruin this whole movie. Unless of course you hire me as, you know, I could go to the press about you and my mom and ruin this whole movie. Unless, of course, you hire me as, you know, I was looking into movies and I heard there's a thing called a musical director.

And he's like in a fucking cover band. And so he's like, he's musical. So he's like, so I heard there's this job called musical director. I was thinking maybe if you get me in that job and that movie, maybe I can make these allegations disappear. And she's like, I'll see what I can do. I guess she was practicing the lisp at that point. So she...

She didn't have the lisp in May, but she did in December. Yes, exactly. All right, Brian. Me, December. And so she... But then the irony is they need a different...

They should have hired that guy for this movie because this bing, bong, bing, bong. You guys have got to watch it Just so you hear this music Because it's so comical Art movie bullshit Oh it is so that

No one wants And then wins all the awards If this wins awards I'm out of Hollywood I am leaving I'm not joking you If this is what is considered to be An amazing movie

I'm done I can't do it anymore what is considered to be an amazing movie, I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend like this shit is good. Natalie Portman's incredible. She's a great actress. She has to, at one point simulate having sex with a teenager in a pet shop.

She's literally like humping the air, like, like simulating what it would be like to fuck a teenager because she goes to the pet shop where the woman had an affair with the teen and got caught a teenager because she goes to the pet shop where the woman had an affair with the teen and got caught and so she goes to the pet shop and she's like um can i just look around a little bit and i love in movies whenever someone's investigating something and it's at an old like hardware store in the back room they just let the journalist go in by themselves like the guy doesn't stay there with them they're just like yeah look around you know make yourself at home and it's like this is the back of a pet shop of a working business you're just letting this actress

into so then she sits down in the corner and just starts humping the air and i looked at chris and i go this is one of the most embarrassing things i've ever had to watch in my life is this girl natalie portman a beloved amazing actress black swan where the heart is other movies star wars star wars she's been in marvel and star the uh the what's that one movie where she played a little girl and it was kind of like flirty with the older man yeah that one yeah the the professional oh yeah this is our natalie portman and you're putting her in this It just doesn't It's not a good place to be Movies aren't cutting it

This is why I don't see movies anymore All I want to see is concert footage at movies now I just want to go see Beyonce I want to go see live events at movies There's still good movies I'm sure there are They're not Marvel movies Those have jumped the shark

I need people to watch May December Besties will you write to me about May December I'm sure there are. They're not Marvel movies. Those have jumped the shark. This isn't it either. I need people to watch May, December. Besties, will you write to me about May, December? I loved Barbie. That's a good point. Loved Barbie. Besties, write to me good movies to watch. By the way, I watched my favorite movie the other day and I watched it with Chris.

It was put out in 2020. And it is the best movie I've ever seen in my life. I watched it seven times. And this is how you make a fucking movie. And it's called The Worst Person in the World. It's on hulu for free it is a norwegian film and it is incredible this movie made december if you disagree with me i am not gonna hate you i want to hear why you think this movie is good i cannot believe anyone would walk away from this and think if this wins awards i'm not kidding you i will leave hollywood i i'm done i will walk away

and i will start a pet store where a old woman will have sex with the teenager in the back room i really will it won't be a pet store because i don't sell pets but it'll be a watch on a plane without headphones on yeah may december no you don't watch it without you watch it without headphones because you keep the headphones plugged in but you take them out of your ears because this is a movie best watched just watching actresses act without the sound coming out of their mouth, which is a list that they choose

halfway through the film. Even though I love Julianne Moore, she kissed me once on a red carpet. Speaking of a red carpet, it was a red carpet for a George Gordon Levitt film called, what was the one he wrote about the porn addiction? Don Juan.

It was awesome. That's a great movie. Scarlett Johansson is also in it. I don't know why Julianne Moore was there, but she was there was awesome that's a great movie scar scarlett johansson is also in it i don't know why julianne moore was there but she was there maybe she's in the movie she kissed me on a red carpet on the lips it was amazing it was during nick and sarah live we were interviewing people on the red carpet and she just went in for it we were doing a bit and she is the coolest i love both those actresses listen i've been in shitty things too and this is just one of those things and maybe i changed my mind if you made may december if you have anything to

do with it i I am so sorry. I've made a shitty things too. It's okay. We're allowed to make mistakes. Bing, bong, bing, bing,

bong, bing, bong. Please just go listen to it. Just pull it up. The first minute you hear the bing, bong, bing,

bong, and that same music goes throughout the movie. It's so funny. I love it. I think I'm going to watch it again. Honestly, it might be a good film. All right, guys,

I got to go. At first, I thought it might be a good film. At first, I thought it might be a comedy about movies like this, but no. It was just this movie. It was probably written by AI, to be honest with you. Gotta go. Thank you for enjoying the show. We will see you in the new year. Can't wait to see you then.

Happy New Year, everybody. Come see me this weekend in Denver. Sunday and Monday I believe New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve I might have those days confused but it's New Year's Eve Eve and New Year's Eve December 30th and 31st at the Paramount I will see you there besties can't wait to see

you can you believe that 2024 was the best year of all three of our lives I can't believe that 2024 was the best year of all of our lives creatively personally emotionally health wise physically I can't believe that 2024 was the best year of all of our lives. Creatively, personally, emotionally, physically.

Oh, I can't believe it. All that tooth pain you had in 2023, it evaporated in 2024. And I can't believe. Almost instantly too, which is crazy. It was like just that calendar turn.

Incredible. And I can't believe I'm going to win that Emmy for that, for the special. I mean, I can't believe I won it already in the future. That's so wild that we both... I hope with the

creative arts Emmys you don't have to introduce something for May, December. Oh, shit. This is going to come back to bite me. I just feel it.

For best use of a... But I just want to reiterate, I do bad things too. Okay? We're all allowed to do bad things and bad things

are more interesting than good things. So thank you for bing, bong, bing, bing. Okay. All right, guys. Thank you for listening to the podcast and we'll thank you for being. Okay. Um, all right guys. Uh,

thank you for listening to the podcast and we'll see you next year. Don't be kind. Just have a great new year. John Stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show, which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast. Join late night legend, John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more.

Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.