The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #409 'Beige Bag', Your Dumb Fears…About Flights & Has Nikki Change Since High School?

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

Nikki and the crew are discussing their latest life plans—some include weddings, some a trip to Australia, and some involve "Dazzle Dry." Nikki, who typically dislikes talking on planes, recently had a change of heart. Taylor thinks that Nikki hasn't changed since high school. They delve into men's habits, the debate of moving fast versus moving slow, and Nikki shares another airline mishap where she got called a "Beige Bag." Nikki admits to having a morbid curiosity, she addresses people's fears and anxieties about flying, and provides great travel tips. In the Final Thought, we learn why Brian will never accept a snack on a plane. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, pronounce her last name. Avoir. Avoir. A-V-O-R. Avoir. God. Oh, I thought it was Avoir. I can't.

It should be because it's almost like the French verb Avoir. Yeah. But it's O and I is separate. Wait, Avoir. Avoir. Oh, it's I-O-R. Avoir. Okay.

I'll never. I don't know how to get it right. I don't know. So it's true. Don't even bother. What is Avi's last name? Callaway. Oh, even worse. Okay. I'll never. I don't know how to get it right. I don't know. So it's true. And then what is Avi's last name? Culloway. Oh, even worse. Okay.

That is Noah Culloway. I don't even know that I knew that. There's Noah Culloway. I'm going to do that. Wait. So Noah is getting, she's pregnant. Noah's pregnant. Noah's getting married.

Shotgun wedding. Are you going to get married? Shotgun. Oh, hell yeah. And you're doing it inida is this yeah in florida wow when is the date and why aren't we invited uh well you are going to be away nikki and it's a small wedding anyway so i was just like should i invite nikki to this she's going to be hanging out with like family and stuff it might be weird wait where am Where am I During this Australia

I'm on the road somewhere Oh I'm in Australia What's the date The 18th of February Yeah I am gonna be in Australia You're going to Australia This year Yeah

In like a month I'll be in Australia Holy shit Yeah I'm going Chris Chris's friend Has a wedding And

Yeah we're going for that wedding His wedding not mine Yeah It's a she Yeah Florida's too far Chris has female friends Chris's friend has a wedding. Yeah, we're going for that wedding. Are you going to go to his wedding, not mine? Yeah. It's a she. Yeah, Florida's too far. Chris has female friends. Too much to my chagrin.

Just kidding. Yeah, it's a pretty long... And I'm also going to see Taylor Swift there. Oh, eras. Yeah. Yes, I'm going to see eras, possibly in Melbourne and Sydney. How long is eras? It has been.

How long is the show? I'm so glad you asked. How long is Eros? That has been. How long is the show? I'm so glad you asked. How long is Oh shit. How long is this shit going on? Till next November. So it's like a two year tour called Eros.

A year and a half a year and maybe some more. Did you see the big Easter egg in her Golden Globes outfit? Do you know what it was? She wore like a snake ring

or something? Mm-mm. It was her nails. What? Oh, her nails. She never gets her nails done. It means that she's taking a break.

Yeah, she does have long nails. Oh, is that what it means? Yeah, because she can't play guitar with long nails on both hands. And she had both her nails done. That's true, but you can just have your fake nails

for a little bit. They're probably not even fake. She's just so extraordinary. Yeah, maybe she got just nails for the Golden Globes. She was wearing them last night at the studio, at Electric Lady's studio where she goes to record, so we just think she was doing vocals last night. But yes, she does have long nails, and every Swiftie is freaking out.

We've never seen our girl with long nails before, but they're beautiful. They're like yours, Taylor. I noticed she was going like this a lot, like you do when you get a haircut. When you get your nails done, you constantly tap on things. You can't stop. You're just like such a woman. Remember at Anya's wedding, she kept like tap on your face when she's talking to you.

And she's like staring at him. Yes, it is. It does become. It's so nice when you have long nails. But how do you keep them nice? Are you not rummaging in things? Or do you probably just have strong nails? No, mine are so thin. But how do you keep them nice? Are you not rummaging in things? Or do you probably just have strong nails? No, mine are so thin, but I put dip gel on them.

Oh, to strengthen them. Yeah, tobacco. Yeah. Brian's like, okay, take note. Noah, you're a nail girl too, right? You like having nice nails? I love having nice nails, but I don't but i don't uh i don't keep up with them because i don't like the way they feel after i peel the gel off oh just very

it's horrible they're so naked and like vulnerable i hate it it takes a layer of your yeah I don't like it at all I haven't done gel for years but what do you do? I don't like going to the nail salon it is boring I hate it why does anyone why do we do that? wait so you don't get gel? because you need to have nice nails

to look pretty no I don't do gel I just do regular you let it dry you have the patience to let it dry well you put it under that machine dude it's so hard but I just set my

like 10 to 15 minutes scroll on my phone and then I go home and I get this just happened for the Emmys got my nails done I just set like 10 to 15 minutes, scroll on my phone, and then I go home and I get in the, this just happened for the Emmys. Got my nails done, went home, got in the shower,

it heated it back up, and they, I was, you know how sometimes you get a little, like a little ripple in it, and you can just smooth it out by like touching it with your finger? It scooped off the entire nail color. The entire thing,

because whatever they put on as a top coat or a bottom coat made it just slick so it was like the like tectonic plates just yes yes um st louis reference yeah and so it i was just cursing it out because i'm like i just paid 40 for my nails and they're already fucked and i had to have carlisle i had to ask her if she could go to cvs and match my nail color. So this is the nail that came off

and it doesn't match the others. And they're all Ripley. They all look like they've been through an earthquake. You just didn't point on them with that one. Yeah, I does. You look like,

this is what I do if I break the nail. I kept this on the red carpet. I was like, gonna just put my finger in my mouth like, sexy baby. Allie just got a new nail polish and she was saying

how great it was because it's like a special new nail polish that lasts a week it's like impervious to ripples I think I know what this is I don't know what it is I don't believe in it no it's so good I got my nails done with it one time and I was obsessed with it but they're like

$25 a piece maybe even more I think they're $30 a piece per nail yeah yeah nail polish that $25 a piece. Maybe even more. I think they're $30 a piece. Per nail. Yeah, yeah. Nail polish that lasts. It'll come up right away, I bet. Really? Everyone's talking about it. It's the big new thing in nail technology.

I bet you. If I say the name, will you know it? Will it? No, I didn't. I stopped listening. Oh, she didn't even. You're surprised you know this much. Yeah.

Yeah, there's some really good nail stuff god i'll find out what it is um brian do some research even though you have no information good nail thing go to the bathroom and see what pretty nail or something oh yeah go snooping your lady's stuff go to her separate bathroom does she have a separate bathroom or is it just bedrooms yeah there's two bathrooms uh so I guess technically it's separate. I'll go snoop right now. We'll see what I can dig up. Are you really going to? I'll go snoop. Let's see.

Or text her and see what that name of that thing is because I think I know what it is and I can't think of the name. It's not Googling. There was this one salon I went to. Can you bring the camera and show us? What? She's not on her phone at work? Who's not on their phone at work who's not on their phone at work okay he's going to he's going to investigate i wanted him to bring the camera and show us so um brian does separate bedrooms oh everyone doing separate bedrooms i always

judged it you know yes anya was going to do separate bedrooms because she got sick and then was sleeping in the guest room. And she was on the girls chat sharing about how it was so nice having her own space and just having a separate bedroom. And she was like, I'm thinking about talking to Matt about doing separate bedrooms. I was inspired by that because. Oh, I thought they did do it. No, she was sick. So she got in my head about like, this is what this is a good plan. So I said something to Chris about it because I just want Chris to be able to have his own

room and his own space. And like, I want my own room. He wakes up really early, right? For radio and stuff. Yes, he does. He wakes up so early and he feels guilty. I don't really care that he gets up early. I can wake up and just be like, ha ha, you have to go to work.

Like, I kind of like when he wakes up early and I, there's nothing better than waking up and knowing that you get to sleep four more hours. I don't like that he has to go. I'm not like, like Yeah what'd you learn Well I went in the bathroom He's back from his adventure I went in the bathroom He's very sweaty and he's covered in like

Some kind of fine mist I'm looking through Some pine needles Was there a wintry mix where you went I looked through some drawers and I realized I was in way over my head I have no idea what I'm looking at I know what a nail polish thing looks like realized I was in way over my head. I have no idea what I'm looking at. He doesn't even know what nail polish. I know what a nail polish thing looks like, but I was like, I don't know what any of this

stuff is. It's really, truly a mystery to me. There's all these creams, all these bottles, there's lots of medications that I had no idea what I was looking at. And I was like, there's just no way I'm going to find it in a reasonable amount of time. Okay. Reporting from a woman's bathroom.

Dazzle dry. Dazzle dry. Oh, yeah. You want to know what just happened? So I Googled nail polish that lasts. And dazzle dry was nowhere on the Google list. I wrote in nail polish that lasts long. Dazzle dry right away.

What the fuck is that? Just know that I mean last long. They paid for the word long maybe made to go on google yeah i don't know what's going on with that but um yeah dazzle dry was the is the brand that if girls if you're listening i can't say enough like pay the extra five dollars when you go to get a manicure and you see they have dazzle dry and it's like a more expensive pay that extra because they last so much longer they don't chip as much i am someone who my nail polish chips immediately i dig in purses too harshly i just i pick at things like i am like i'll pick a sticker off something and even though i know that this is going to hurt my nail i can't

stop and i'll do it and um and so yeah dazzle dry is really was really impressive to me and i'm going to get back on that bandwagon order some um yeah i've um nails i think they always feel good but they are pointless to get i'm getting a facial today i'm so excited about it's one of those hydro facials that just like have you ever had one it's like oh you wouldn't like it it kind of is like the straw oh at the dentist it literally is that straw it like sucks the things out of your skin, but then it puts in water too, so it's circulating constantly. Have you ever had one, Noah?

Hydrafacial? Yes, I've had it once. Oh, they good. I thought they were kind of bullshit because they were so in for a while, like 10 years ago. And then I didn't hear anyone recommend them. And then I went to get Botox last week, and I was like, I'm just dry and feeling like coming out of Colorado.

I don't know how anyone has any moisture in their skin in that state. And she was like, you should do a hydrafacial. And I was like, I should do one. And so I'm getting that today

and it's just gentle and makes you feel so good. What about if you did it with oil? I rub my face with oil night and day. I rub my face with this stuff that I use

and it makes me feel so hydrated. Plant squalane. Plant squalane. You gotta get some for Allie. I wonder my face with this stuff that I use and it makes me feel so hydrated. Plant squalane. Plant squalane. Yes. You gotta get some for Allie. I wonder if she would love it. But she already has such smooth skin. I have to ask you guys, Noah, Taylor, what keeps your skin from feeling dry

on your face? Before this plant squalane stuff, I could find nothing. Maybe an oil. Castor oil. But that is so sticky. Yeah, I put it on at night I could find nothing. Maybe an oil. Castor oil, but that is so sticky. Yeah, I put it on at night. And in the morning, sesame oil. But my skin looks like an old mummy. Yeah, I don't really want to hear what you have to say.

It doesn't look like an old mummy. Will you try some plant squalene and tell me what you feel? Yes. Try the squalene. Get on the squalene change. I've tried it. Will you go get it? Have you tried it recently?

No. Chew, chew. Go get it right now? Yeah, go get it. Do you know what it is? We're all going on a mission. Get that squalane. Get that squalane, girl.

I'm so obsessed with it. I know that I talk about it all the time. It's like the cure for cancer. The cure for cancer is actually only $3. That's why the pharmaceutical companies don't let you have it. Because the treatment is worth more than the cure. Your mic's going to get cut. Be careful.

Yeah, you were about to get muted by Big Brother. Yeah, I mean, the real person behind all of this pharmaceutical... That so makes sense, though. Oh, no! Wait a second. We were about to learn. That was like a little dad bit.

I really did think you got cut off like i forgot the joke and it worked i was like oh god we're having issues um that's how quick my brain resets we were just getting ready for the show taylor and i i was just doing my makeup and she got here early before yesterday's show actually and i was putting on makeup and she she's like my housekeeper too i don't like that word but she comes in unpacks me anytime she's here to do the podcast she unpacks me she straightens up my house she like does things around the house she knows where everything in my house is you know that's why i was like you know where the plant squalane is even though she doesn't she's been gone a while um she's on a

she's on an adventure yeah um and She's your butler. Yes. Oh, she's back from her adventure. Oh my God. Squalene. Yeah, you got it. Wait, did you already get some? I put some on.

Doesn't it feel so slick? It's so slick. You put it everywhere, dude. It's so amazing. I love it so much. Squalene. But we were just getting ready and you So slick. You put it everywhere, dude. It's so amazing. I love it so much. Squally. But we were just getting ready and you... I love Taylor because she's a really...

She's always been cleaning my room since we were in high school and it's been like a thing. Now she gets paid to do it, but she was... Straighten. Straighten. Yeah, not clean.

But you are clean. No, I clean sometimes. I call it cleaning. I feel like straightening is cleaning. To me, those are like... It's like supper and dinner. They're the same thing to me but yeah i have a housekeeper come once every two weeks to like clean clean and then taylor comes and unpacks me and like makes my stuff organized but it was really funny this morning she was like walking into my bedroom which is a mess not like a total mess but just messy enough and she's like i love how you leave

a little trail like there's a suck here and then you can just see you can see the body it's like a forensic it is a crime scene you can see exactly the moves i made because i'll take off a sock and i won't take off both socks and then put them somewhere together i just throw them where they were when i took them off and then i take off the pants and i just dropped i kick them off where they land and um we were in my bathroom and she says it looks exactly the same as your high school bathroom people ask me if you've changed and you haven't at all it's still this not that that's the way I would change if I became a celebrity but but it's it's evident that like yeah you know nothing I mean you haven't changed a lot it would be funny if that's how you did change. I was an idiot back then.

Everyone's smarter than when they were 14. That's so true. Oh, I just saw a tweet yesterday that's from Joel Kim Booster that was like, stop saying you were cool in high school. No one was cool when you were 16. You were fucking 16. You were a fuck. You were a total fuck.

No one was. Can you imagine the coolest 16 year old right now as an adult? They are not cool. No one's cool at 16 no one it really made me laugh and it made me realize who says that anyway i was cool man you don't know oh parents they're like you should listen to my advice because i was cool yeah no one likes to say they were cool in high school being cool in high school is only cool when you are in high school if you say that as an adult that you were cool in high school i don't even know anyone people were cool in high school is only cool when you are in high school. If you say that as an adult that you were cool in high school, I don't even know anyone. People were cool in high school, but they will never admit it.

They just say, I was friends with everyone. It was like one of those people that had friends in every group. I do a parent as an argument to their child who's not listening to them to be like, you know, in high school, I was actually cool. I can see that working. What does that mean? I wouldn't see it working. Take my advice. I was cool in high school once.

Yeah, like the kid is at that age where they're rebelling and they're saying, I'm not going to listen to you. You're so lame, mom. And then she's like, actually, I was pretty cool in high school. I was, you know, I had sex with everybody. My mom was like, I hung out with Scott Bakula. Oh, yeah, because he was in her grade.

What? Dracula? Yeah, we didn't care about Scott Bakula That meant nothing to us Even though his nephew is my dentist now Wow Dr. Bakula You know that Mitch Hedberg joke Yeah I was just about to say

Dr. Acula is my doctor I went to the doctor All he did was suck my blood Don't go see Dr. Acula there was a guy on the plane two days ago who looked exactly like Mitch Hedberg sitting next to me as I do on a plane

I didn't talk to the person the whole time not because I was like I'm not talking to you we just didn't talk the entire ride I was sleeping and he was kind of like trying to make conversation early on like I was talking about tarmac lax when we were about to take off like oh i haven't eaten anything all day like kind of saying things to himself but like to me and i wasn't taking the bait i was like i don't want this because i i

know this person has a story yeah and i don't and this person's going through something to me oh my god what an incredible journey I just went through. There was cheese on my sandwich and I ordered cheese. Yeah, it was just, there was, this guy had stuff going on in his head and he wanted to talk to someone about it. And I just didn't feel like doing that. No. But when we landed, he, so I slept the whole time.

He did not bother me again. I love this guy. We landed and he said something like, oh, oh, oh, I lifted up the window shade and he said something like oh oh oh i lifted up the window shade and he goes man bad weather here and i go because it's like totally white right as i open the window we're like upon approach totally white when i open the window and he goes oh bad weather and i go we're in the clouds i was such a bitch i like i've already had this guy pinpointed as someone who just wanted to strike up conversation about anything and like do anything to get calm and i just i didn't want to i wasn't being a bitch i was just like no i think it's the clouds like i didn't say it in a

mean way but i just told the story in a mean way but he goes no i know but it seems like there's like big clouds that are like this is this is definitely rain clouds and he had a good point he he actually was right he wasn't an idiot he knew we were in the clouds, but he was like, these are significant clouds. And he was right. It was shitty weather in St. Louis. And he was like, are you from St. Louis? And I go, yeah. That's when I start talking because, you know, it's on the descent. We're getting off the plane soon. I'm

actually kind of feeling chatty. I just woke up. I finished my Diet Coke. I'm having a surge of caffeine. I'm kind of feeling like I'm ready to make a friend. So he looks identical to Mitch Hedberg. And this is also intriguing to me. It was the first time I had looked at coke i'm having a surge of caffeine i'm kind of feeling like i'm ready to make a friend so he looks identical to mitch headberg and this is also intriguing to me it was the first time i had like looked at him and i'm like oh my god he's mitch headberg but with like kind of more gray in his hair he's probably like mid to late 40s and he looks he's interesting looking he's nice

nice nice looking gentleman mitch headberg hair, but like hippie style. And he's like, yeah, I haven't been back to St. Louis in forever. I grew up here. And I'm like, okay, there's a story going on here. Something's happening. He's coming back for the first time in like 25 years. What's happening, right? And then he goes, I go, I live here.

And he was like, oh, so you were at LA for work. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, what do you do? And I was like, I'm a comedian. He goes, what's your name? And I said, Nikki Glaser. He goes, oh my God, god what I know you holy shit whoa and he kind of had that moment of like oh my god

I can't believe what I'm sitting next to you you're so great you know he's really nice and I was like yeah people are always shocked when I'm on a Southwest flight but it's like there's not a lot of options out of St. Louis and Southwest rules I will always fly Southwest and so but I'm boarding group A don't you a lot of options. Southwest rules. And Southwest rules. I will always fly Southwest. The ultimate Southwest.

And so, but I'm boarding group A. Don't you forget it. I will pay the extra to get boarding group A one through 15. It just, it's... Save me a seat, bitch.

I will save you a seat. What you do is, if you want to save someone a seat and this is cheating and it's lying and I don't condone it because I would never do it, but if you want to on a flight,

you know, a lot of times people are flying together and they want to sit next to each other. But sometimes, I guess middle seats would probably be open a lot, but if you want to save a middle seat for your partner or a seat for your partner,

put their bag, if they're loading later, put their bag or something in their seat and say they're in the bathroom. The old in the bathroom trick. That tells people they're already on the plane now it's a lie and i don't like lying so i wouldn't do it but it would work because i do often throw myself in the chair and go to i always go to the bathroom right when i get on a plane for some reason i just never remember to before i board and people are always annoyed

by it because you have to like swim back upstream like a desperate salmon. Oh, yeah. So anyway, this guy... Normal salmon? I don't know if it's desperate. No, I feel desperate. I feel like there's like... No, it's like... I guess salmon never look desperate unless they're like out of water and then they're just like... But their eyes are just like kind of

stagnant. If animals could express pain in their eyes more, we would have more empathy. But they just are like beady eyes. I don't feel sorry for them. But you should because they feel pain. But anyway, I'll tell you what happens when we get back from break up. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts okay i found like joel can boost her tweet it said no one was cool in high school you were 16 you sucked ass made me laugh okay so this guy on the plane he's like you know he's he's very sweet about me and he's not overdoing it or anything and we're talking about comedians we like and and he's he tells me i ask him i'm like what do you do and he's like well i what did he say i used to be a comedian but i died no he used to be a musician he's something else now i kind of got it yes mitch he uh yeah maybe tyler henry maybe he had

a tyler henry experience maybe the seat next to me was someone and then later someone was like that's so nice you didn't have anybody next to you in your seat well his name was Ben, and he used to be in a band called Vacation Time. They had a deal back in the mid-aughts, and they were a punk California rock band. And then he hasn't played music in forever, and I said, why not? It just makes me so sad when I hear about people that are virtuosos in music. And then they go like, I don't know. I haven't played in like 13 years. She's like, what?

That's like on. You have that in your fingers right now, and i don't know i haven't played in like 13 years she's like what that's like on you have that in your fingers right now and you don't do anything with it maybe they play the drums they don't they like i said do you like well that's a good point but just if you have a musical talent please go do use it for those of us out there who don't have musical talent and like that's natural don't don't keep that shit in a drawer go use it you have it like that is such an extraordinary talent if you speak another language show that shit off more that's like really extraordinary audience just like never talks russian and i'm like you know russian that's the hardest language to learn next to mandarin yeah you know like it really is i saw a chart of like the hardest languages to learn it's right right up there with like Chinese. To know an extraordinarily difficult language like that is so cool.

I'd be doing it. I'd be dying all over the place. But who would she talk to? I mean, she can't talk to me. I would just say, I would just be like, guys, I'm going to just talk Russian for a bit and like impress you. I just think it would be impressive to all of us. Like I would love to hear, I love hearing her speak Russian. I forget she speaks Russian sometimes.

It's just like I just want her to do it at parties like a guitar player you know ruin a party with your Russian in the corner speaking a different language is so cool especially if it's like unexpected it's awesome yeah I had a friend in New York who is

Mexican but she looks like a white person and I went to a deli one time with her and everyone working there was Latino of some kind. And they asked her what she wanted and she started speaking to them in Spanish. And you could see for like the first couple of phrases, they were like, come on,

don't talk to me in fucking Spanish, you fucking white lady. But then she just kept going and it was so fluent that they were like, oh! And then they got so excited and they started speaking back to her in Spanish. And I was like, that's like the coolest trick. People will be impressed by it.

It's so cool. My sister speaks fluent Spanish because she's a language teacher and she's incredible at it. I'm like, break that out all the time. Noah, do you ever get to break out your Spanish or your Hebrew skills? at it. I'm like, break that out all the time. Noah, do you ever get to break out your... It's like a magic trick. Yeah, your Hebrew skills? Yeah, I do sometimes and people are very

impressed by it because I don't have any semblance of an Israeli accent. I don't even know what Hebrew sounds like. Can you say a phrase? Can you say like, this is the Nikki Glaser podcast. Let's get started with the show in Hebrew. I'm guessing podcast is podcast in Hebrew. Just with an accent. Okay, I'll say something else. I Podcast. In Hebrew. I'm curious. Just with an accent. Yeah.

Okay, I'll say something else. I don't know what to say. Yeah, exactly. What did you say? I don't know what to tell you, Brian. That's what I said. Oh, my God. You didn't say Brian. I didn't say Brian, but I added Brian.

Brian is Vlasalach. It's in Hebrew. Oh, last night, Tyler Henry, by the way, was like, it's Brian. And someone goes, I have a brother name is a brother named Brian and someone's like I'm Brian he goes is it with a Y and he goes no and he goes this one's with a Y sorry sit down like it was that someone else stood up walked the mic and then didn't ever make it to the mic and then the producer whoever said oh she thought it was Ryan like just listen to what St. Louis i can't tell you enough how disappointed i was

i said brian i asked larry the guy that got us backstage i said larry is st louis slower than other towns and he was like well the mics were kind of in weird places i was like just answer the question yes because i i was ashamed at how slow my city was but i will this gets back to us in the bathroom and you saying I haven't changed. I was putting on my makeup and you were like, maybe you're faster now than you were in high school. I was like, I think I'm still, I was fast in high school too. Because I got told a lot like, slow down or whatever. Or like, you're too rough with things and you plop down too hard.

You're going to break that couch, Nikki, and all these things. But I was saying, I can't imagine someone doing, like, give me that squalane. I can't imagine someone putting this on. Oh, the squalane disaster. Squal, squal. It's only seven bucks. And I have so many bucks. Seven bucks? That's cheap.

I know. Okay. So this is how someone puts on squalane. They go like this and they go, oh, it's in the dropper. Okay. It's got a little bit in the dropper. So you're doing Kirsten right now. Just me and Kirsten.

Oh, interesting. But like, okay, it's in the dropper. And then I'm going to drop like one, two, three. I just go, you know, and then you go like this. And then they put it on like this. They'll like rub it in like, and then they'll like rub it like gently like blah like who i don't even under it would be like a watercolor painter on your own face and these people have kids and jobs and i just go how do you get anywhere in life because people like i think it's their form of like meditation or like they're just being in the

moment or something which is impossible you have to really try hard to be that slow, at least for me. I don't think you do. I think some people don't. You do. They must not. Yeah. You would, yeah. Well, it's interesting because I was watching this Instagram video last night of this trans

man who I've never seen someone look so much like a man. Like, I've never seen someone pass this hard i mean i most trans people i know are pretty passing and i don't i don't even think trans people are required to pass i don't give a shit what you do but this person is i can't even believe hormones made this person into a man this much and he showed a picture of himself when he was still a uh uh you know a girl or whatever and it i was like this person must have started transitioning as a baby or whatever. And I was like, this person must have started transitioning as a baby or something

because they are such a masculine man. He looked like the guy on the paper towels, Brawny. Oh, the Brawny man. Yeah, he looked like the Brawny man. So the manliest man ever. Huge, thick beard. Wow.

Huge, thick eyebrows. Sideburns down the side. Like just broad shoulders. It was so impressive. He was holding paper towels in its own way again i don't think trans men need to be presenting as men but i just couldn't believe he was holding angel is that i was using paper to sop up my fucking pussy because i was like this is the most masculine man i've ever seen in my life um no it wasn't buck angel but he's this guy i sent it to anya because i could not it was really fascinating because he was talking look at this guy taylor i'm about to

tell me you you will not believe that this used to be a woman you won't believe it look at whoa and listen to his voice i went to work at a steel mill and everybody wants to know how did i survive so i essentially was jane goodall at the steel mill like everybody wants to know how did I survive so I essentially was Jane Goodall at the steel mill okay so he talks about being a man at the steel mill as a trans man and he's totally passing so no one's even going to question it but he's talking about how men move and behave

and how he studied these men at the steel mill in a really male dominant blue collar environment and how men behave and he's i don't know what his purpose of this tic tac was it kind of showed up on my reddit i think he kind of gives tips about two trans men about how to act more masculine or i don't really know it was like an anthropological study people in the comments are like i can't even believe how well he's defined like what it is to be a man he said to be the perfect

man around other men and to assert dominance you spread out as much as you can so whatever chair you're next to unless there's a woman nearby in which case you keep it more but if you're around other men you take a chair next to you you pull it towards you and you drape your hand on that chair

so you take up as much sitting places as you can. And whenever you look at somewhere, you're sitting right now. What? Brian's learning. He's taking notes. He's just trying to hide his hand. I'm looking at this guy on the TikTok. I was just trying to look at his face.

Wait, I got to show you this, Brian. I'm just going to send it to you. I see him. I have a TikTok of him. I know who he is. How do you know? I just found him. Steel Mill? I did Trans Man Steel Mill. Yeah, who he is. How do you know? I just found him. I did trans man steel mill. Yeah, you got it. Okay. Isn't this guy amazing? He's in his car, right? Yeah, he's in his car. He's got the beard. He's got a really long mustache.

What's his TikTok so people can find him? The gravel bro. Yeah, I mean, that's... He loves gravel. Always has. Then he also says, this was interesting, instead of when men look at each other, to be intimidating to other men because he's talking about

being in these circumstances where men are trying to assert dominance. So when you look at a man, when a man makes a joke, don't laugh unless it's funny. Manly men do not laugh at other men's jokes. It's a sign of insecurity

if you're giving someone a laugh when they don't deserve it. So you just stare them down if they make a joke that you don't like or that doesn't make sense and you will be the alpha male within minutes.

Okay? Also, don't look at a man straight like this with your head. Tilt like this when they're talking. If you tilt your head,

so look at this. Look at me looking like this. Nice. Nice girl. Mean man. I haven't changed my facial expression. I just changed my tilt of my head To an upwards motion

Of like You kind of are like Almost assessing them And then That's too thuggish I think that makes you look insecure That's Yeah it's thuggish ruggish

No this guy looked hot When he was doing it And then But he's just saying about other men And then there was One more that was really good I can't remember Oh

This was the one that made me think of all this Move slowly. Masculine men do not like if they drop something. It's like a sissy move to rush. Yeah, so if he's in line at the grocery store and he has a Coke in his hand and the bottle falls on the ground, if you go like this, like

trying to get it, you look like a pussy. But if you drop it and you just go, you look You look like a pussy But if you drop it And you just go You look so cool Everything you're doing is looking like Snoop For some reason Snoop moves very slowly He's very masculine

I'm picturing like rappers They're very slow They're very spready And they're very look downy The chin up thing is like a guy that Eminem's facing In 8 Mile And he's gonna lose Oh that's a good point

Yeah he's losing But this guy's just really He's not an asshole by the way This guy is just saying like men are pathetic He's almost like calling out men Like this is so dumb that we all have to do this stuff Or like this stuff works But I really like to think of like It made me want to be a little bit more masculine in some

ways of like i don't need to move fast every when i'm moving fast it makes me look like i can be preyed upon very quickly yeah i don't look confident you look silly is how i think because i'm really fast i think i look like a silly goose but even when i was like yes when i was walking out on the emmys and there was that long way for me to walk, I started like kind of running because I'm like, because my insecurity is that no one wants to watch me walk. I'm so boring. These poor people have to look at me walk. This is so embarrassing. I'm not hot enough to be just a hot person that like walks.

I need to speed this up because I'm being inconvenient. Do you do the same thing? It's a lack of confidence. walks. I need to speed this up because I'm being inconvenient to people. Do you do the same thing if someone stops for you at a... It's not really a crosswalk, but they just stop for you to cross the street. Do you just take your time crossing or do you like... No. I sprint.

Because that is the right thing to do. You're a fucking asshole if you slow down. If you're someone who someone is waiting for you to pull out of a parking space and you know they are and you get in your car and start texting or you... Even if you put on your seatbelt, pull out of a parking space and you know they are and you get in your car and start texting or you even if you sit up put on your seatbelt pull out before you put on you get the fuck out of that space then you put on your seat i'm obviously joking put on your seat but if you take your time and fix the rear view mirror and you make sure your seat's

adjusted you're an asshole and you're desperate for attention and you need to get in other ways and you need to go talk to a therapist. You're a loser because you are purposely making other people wait. You're getting back at your mom. Yes, and it's not worth it in this parking lot at Target where this woman is just trying to get in and out. You're not proving anything to her.

You're not better than her. You're an asshole. I hate when someone takes a long time to cross the street It's so It's like a power move The other day was happening And I was like

Can you move your wheelchair Any faster You piece of shit What about these people When you're like When you're going towards a door And you know you're gonna be faster But then they like

Speed up a little And then they go like Excuse you Oh god What about What are we gonna do here Excuse you Speed shame This woman did that At the YMCA but then they like speed up a little and then they go like excuse you oh god what about what are we gonna do here excuse you this woman did that at the ymca and like and i was like i know i'm faster than you you're going slow but she sped up because she wanted like some attention she wanted to like where's the fire dying for a fight these people are dying for it people in the

car want you to honk they want you you're welcome're welcome. I've been a shit. The other day, I did it to Chris. I said, what? I pulled a real asshole move the other day with Chris. He didn't thank me for something I thought I deserved to be thanked for because he just forgot. He was feeling sick.

He's not an ungrateful person. He thanks me for literally everything. He's a thanker. He's totally a thanker, but I just had it in my mind like he didn't thank me for this thing.

It was already on my mind and I wasn't talking about it because I just didn't want to confront it or whatever. But it's in my head and it's just brewing and it's like I'm heated to a boil. And then he did something else that annoyed me. And so instead of addressing

that thing, I go... It's like a chess game. Like he didn't ask me about something else that I thought he should ask me about. Yes. I was like, oh, they're sick, and he didn't ask a follow-up because he was busy on something. He would have, but it was circumstantial.

And I go, and she's fine, by the way. And by the way, you're welcome. I go, by the way, you're welcome for earlier today. And he was like, what? He goes, I'm not your dad. I'm not your mom, and you're welcome for earlier today and he was like what he goes i'm not your dad i'm not your mom and you're not 17 you can't talk to me like this and i was like that's a good point like but i did say to him i was like he goes that's a shitty way to call someone out he didn't say shitty because that's like an immature that's a childish way to call someone out and i go i think it actually i

know that it is but it's fun it's more fun than being like by the way it hurt my feelings that you didn't thank me earlier i want to talk to you for a minute it's funny it's a funny way to do it to be sarcastic so i i don't i don't i'm it's indefensible i should not talk to him like that i don't like being a little like brat like sarcastic but i will say i am a funny person i like to present things in a funny manner so in a creative manner i do think i can be a super creative right now about your apology i am i am but no i i did apologize and i was like yeah i was shitty and that was a childish thing but um i was in line to get on a plane the other day oh my god i almost had a tom segura where i

like yeah you know what tom segura got in trouble for by like people just got upset with him because he had a gay agent tell him yeah we talked about on the show yeah okay so just to refresh everyone's mind and he tweeted about it and he was like you know pissed about this gate agent which i get i get his ire because first of all i know i thought about tom when this happened to me because I was like, Tom was just in a little worse mood than I was in this moment. If I would have just been in a worse mood and my day

would have just gone a little bit shittier up into this moment, I would have had the same reaction of like, I'm taking this to Twitter. Or like they would have just escalated. The ultimate tribunal Twitter. Yeah. Well, so I was boarding this plane. And you know, famously on planes, you can have two things.

You have one that goes in the overhead and one carry on. And they're cracking down on that these days. Oh, they're crack-a-lacking. It's so dumb. Okay, I do understand when someone has three bags that are just crazy bags. But if I'm wearing a fanny pack that is clearly able to fit in my backpack, and you know for a fact as soon as I get on the plane I'm taking it out of my backpack anyway

who gives a fuck truly who gives a fuck because my backpack you can tell it's not packed to the brim that fanny pack could fit in there why do you need me to put it on in there when the second I get on board I'm gonna take it out the second you get on the sky bridge you're gonna take it out exactly exactly

so I am walking on and she goes beige bag The second you get on the sky bridge You're gonna take it out Exactly Exactly So I am walking on And she goes Beige bag Beige bag And I have my headphones on And I go Beige bag

Oh my god Yeah Like your Like your body is a beige Sack of skin I was like my bags Under my skin Eyes are purple

Thank you very much Yeah like I did feel like a beige bag that day My face was a beige always a bb yeah so beige bag and i'm like it's pink no it was it's beige sometimes anya calls my bag pink and i'm like this is beige but anyway so she nailed that she goes beige bag and i was like what and she was like you need to consolidate your items and by the way i'm in the first boarding class this is not southwest this is like i'm in first class right so i've paid for this

priority i and i always i never want to have this moment i'm not trying to bait them into it i always remember to put my fanny pack in my bag before because i know this bullshit thing and i don't want to get called out i had just forgotten right and so i go oh oh so sorry so i undo my fan bag she goes step aside ma'am to load it and i go but there's still two people in front of me that have to scan and i go i can do this right now and while i'm still like she goes step aside ma'am don't slow down the line I go I'm not slowing down the line look what I'm doing I go look oh my god it's fitting in right now it's so easy and I'm trying to be like funny about it and be like oh it's like I got it no no no I don't

have to step aside she was like ma'am step aside you're slowing down the line I'm like I literally am not slowing down the line I just did it and then i got it done before they scanned my pass and i was like yes but it was so what is going on there so dumb do you know and there was a pilot in front of control necessary who was like just you know doing a you know when pilots just like fly in the plane sad just called dead dead dead heading dead head yes good job is that it yes it is he was dead heading and so i or i think it's called deadheading yes good job is that it yes it is he was deadheading and so I

or I think it's something with dead in it so he was a deadhead and so he had a grateful dead shirt on he had really long

weird hair for a pilot and he flew fine he just riding that plane flying the freak flag he he was like man she was a lot and I immediately saw riding that plane flying the freak flag he he was like

man she was a lot and I immediately saw he was a pilot and I was like no at first I shit talked to her I was like

they are so fucking stupid about this shit like he saw that I was about to lose my cool and I go I go it's I go I'm taking it out of my bag right now

she's such an idiot and I said something like that and he was like oh yeah and then I saw he was a pilot and I was like oh no I'm shit like I'm shit talking his team he's gonna tell me but he didn't he was like that was insane and i was like oh thank you pilot it made me feel so good

but i want to get back to the guy that woodway landed in st louis he told me he's in st louis and he's like i and this i love when people tell me this because we were talking about addiction, I think. I forget how we, within a minute, I told him like, oh yeah, I get depressed too. And I could just tell he was someone that has struggled with stuff. Damn, you should have talked to him the whole flight. You only had a couple minutes. We really cracked through some stuff. And he goes, and I love when people say this to me because it happens a lot.

He goes, I don't even know why I'm telling you this. And I was like, yes, I get that all the time. I love when people say this to me because it happens a lot he goes I don't even know why I'm telling you this but and I was like yes I get that all the time I love it I've made him comfortable

he's ready to share something really intimate that I'm going to talk about on my podcast and say his full name and exactly what he looks like and his band yeah we can figure it out

we know his band Google him I think Ben would be okay with this but he he was like I'm going to meet my dad for the first time

he's never met his biological father and he was going to meet him the next day and I was like oh my god and he's a twin and his twin wasn't there but he was going to meet his dad and he was like nervous and excited it was so cute and I was so glad I got that story even though I didn't talk to him the whole time I would have talked to him longer

it was a shame I didn't spark up that conversation before but it was so interesting it's crazy that everyone's got their own little story of where they're going and what people don't oh god some people have no story as we found out at tyler henry last night some people just have nothing sometimes they take a risk and they don't i'm like oh okay she really wants to talk she might be interesting and then she just goes what goes, what are they trying to do? Kill us on this plane? Every five minutes, like headphones off.

What? Oh, yeah. That was a weird bump in the ride. People are so lonely. I think that's the problem. We're either going to want to hold hands if we're crashing. That's the first thing.

Why? With a random person who says that there's bumps on the ride? I would love to hold someone's hand when they're stressed out. I'm dying for someone to be next to me who's freaking out because I would calm them. But if I'm also dying in this situation because the plane's crashing, I don't want my last moments to be touching a stranger's hand. I disagree I think that we need

Community and other people When we're scared Some people Some people's hands I'll hold Some people's I don't want to I think that in that moment you would want other things I'm actually disagreeing I think that you don't know what you would do

You don't know what you would do When you think you're going to die If I'm in that moment I might actually want to hold someone's hand I don't know what you would do. Oh, that I don't even... Yeah, you don't know what you would do when you think you're going to die. If I'm in that moment, I might actually want to hold someone's hand. Well, I don't like being touched. I know I won't. I was reading about the Alaska flight where the hole blew through the plane.

Did you hear about that? Oh, yeah. Insane. Insane. Shut up. I'm scared. They said that it was eerily quiet on the plane because everyone had an oxygen mask on,

so there was no one talking. So it was like everyone thought they were going to die and everyone totally quiet. A whole booth through? Because they didn't fasten the bolts so they've, I think they've you know, they've taken like 12 or 14 something planes of that model off the market because

they all were made here in St. Louis. Those Boeings, those Super Maxes and they said that the their people's phones flew out the holes and then left. And they found a phone that survived. Wow. Those commercials are true. Because the air

pressure makes it only fall at 50 miles per hour. Because if it falls obviously straight down, it'll get the velocity to kill someone. Even 50 miles an hour. But if it falls falls like this the wind pressure will make it like gentle and it fell in some if it would have fallen on concrete it would have break in but it it the person got their phone back and it worked so someone called i was like are you missing a phone like yeah it flew out of

a plane so in the door from the plane that flew open landed in someone's backyard in portland oh my god can you imagine yeah i can't believe. Oregon or Maine. And there was also the miracle, the Jesus miracle of this whole thing was that the bolts that fell out were next to two seats that just happened to be empty. I know. Most people would have been sucked out. Yeah, maybe. Why were there two seats empty? Why wasn't someone trying to go?

If they had, because apparently my my apparently my um voice teacher had read up on this he's he's flown planes before and he said that the the seats that were empty were like twisted metal and they were being like almost being sucked out so if people would have been in them it probably would have added to the weight of the suckage and they would have been sucked out i'm almost the weight of this i'm sorry to say i shouldn't say this. I'm not going to say it. No.

Well, I'll say it when we get back from break after I talk to you guys about whether or not I should say it. Who's suckable audible is what Nikki's going to say. Oh, you think that I'm going to say I wish so-and-so would have been sitting there? Like a jerk. No, that is nicer than what I was going to say. Yes. Okay. Okay.

We'll find out when we get back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay. I don't think I'm alone here. But when there is a crazy thing that happens, I kind of want it to happen. Duh.

Like, I am glad no one was hurt in that. I don't wish people to be hurt. But I think it would be a cooler story had some people been sucked out. We've talked about this. Is this when we when we were kids i remember you agreeing with me i confessed this to you i was like when i we heard there was something on the radio about like a bus crash and there was like five people died and i said to you do you ever wish that it was like 20 and you're like yes and you and I like grabbed each other's legs and we're like,

thank God. I don't think we're alone. I've heard echoes of this in Reddit. And I can't even imagine being someone who's like, I can't relate to that at all. Yeah. It's not you. It's no one you love.

Louis CK has a joke about this of like, if it's, you read about like an earthquake in China and like 6,000 people die and you just can't care that's Patrice O'Neill you can't get yourself oh maybe they both have the joke oh yeah maybe it is

Patrice but I feel like I've heard Louis say something like this like you can't get yourself oh yeah it is Patrice you can't get yourself to care you try and you go oh yeah it is patrice you can't get yourself to care you try and you go oh those those people but it's like if not because they're chinese i just set them somewhere far away they're far yes because they're in the far east uh no because they're they're you just it i i obviously have empathy extraordinary empathy for humans and creatures and everything, but there is a part of me that

when there's a catastrophe, I want big numbers. You have empathy for an individual, but when the numbers get so big, it's abstract and you can't even really fathom the horror of the individual suffering. But why would I want more numbers? It's the same reason that people like watching horror

films. I'm always like, why would you want to see that? I think I know why. I want things to be, why would you want to see that? I think it's because you want, I want things to be morbid. I have morbid curiosity and I want the more morbid they are, the more interested I am. And this is not, these are full adults that I want. Dad,

I don't want cute children. Yeah. Like children. I'm always like, no, let's get the casualties down to nothing. Animals, nothing,

but for adults shootings, how many do you want in there? Zero. School shootings, zero. Zero school shootings. Let's talk off air. It's not that you want them. No, it's already done, you guys. It's already done.

I think it's that you, this is how I feel that I'm just thinking of now, is that I want to be like, oh, I lived through this thing where there was something incredible that happened that we're going to be talking about for a long time. Whether it's something good or it's something bad, you want it to be like an extreme so that it's interesting. Yes, that is it. If you're going to remember a school shooting with five people, they're going to remember, you know. Unfortunately, maybe in america i think on the plane um i wonder if there's anybody on the plane who had their phone not in airplane mode and was like oh no i did this and they got prosecuted oh

no that's mine's never on airplane or imagine you should never put it on airplane mode everyone no don't do that it's not real they're not gonna get in trouble can i just stop doing it excuse me someone's phone is not on airplane let me just give a little let me to people who don't fly often and maybe you have a flight coming up as someone who travels often i just want to just talk to you really quickly about your dumb fears and your anxieties that i'm calling dumb because they aren't real and you can you can just calm down okay because i used to be this way too you do not need to be at the airport over two hours early at a normal regional airport not maybe if it's an international flight i might international yes like get there the day before.

International, this is not talking about that. I am way overly anxious for those. Someone needs to talk down to me for that. But for domestic travel, if you're traveling somewhere, you don't need your shit in plastic bags. You don't need to put your liquids in plastic

bags. You do need your liquids under four ounces. don't need to put your you do need your liquids under three like four ounces they say three ounces but like you'll get away with four sometimes I have a full lotion and no one will catch it they will catch water it's not a big deal if they do I forget water in my bag all the time you don't need to be like so insane about it like

make sure I need to double check it's not embarrassing it happens all the time you don't need plastic bags 3.4 ounces people get the travel toothpaste the all the time A normal tube of toothpaste You don't need plastic bags Is 3.4 ounces People get the travel toothpaste The little tiny ones Yeah A normal tube

Is under 4 ounces So you can bring Your normal toothpaste If you want Yeah And it's also not liquid It's like I think people

Get freaked out about What they mean about liquid I don't know about that Gel is different Was it over 3.4 ounces? About I used Tom's toothpaste And i had a full tube once and the guy made me take it out of my bag and throw it out i was very upset i would say with

the toothpastes i don't do that i don't bring on a full tube so i'll risk it because a lot of times they won't catch it but if they do they could throw it away so i that's but again if it is over you're not a criminal you're not going to be taken back into a room and like they'll just have you throw it away. It's not a big deal. You don't need to be hyper vigilant of like and then my shoes need to be if you have if you don't have TSA pre which travelers who are anxious about traveling definitely don't you don't need to get there any earlier than two hours before you don't need to put your things in plastic bags.

They will tell you what to do with your shoes. They will tell you what to do with your belt. They'll tell you what to do with your coat. You don't need to put your things in plastic bags they will tell you what to do with your shoes they will tell you what to do with your belt they'll tell you what to do with your coat you don't need to freak out if you get anything wrong it doesn't matter you're not going to be taken aside you're not going to be wanded um it's you don't you don't need to be this nervous about because there are some people i've heard that are like traveling they're like well i have to get all these different containers for my for my things and it's like just check your fucking bag don't get little things um and your bag will not get lost i've traveled a million times my bag has only gotten lost two times and all the time i've checked bags and it was found instantly it was just put on a later flight and

it gets to me later on um they're not gonna rummage through your bags and steal things yes don't travel with your jewelry in a bag But generally no one's stealing things out of bags What else? Airplane mode Don't get up as soon as the plane lands And just stand there Like an idiot

Everyone hates you for it It's annoying Why are you in such a rush? Just sit down until it's time to get up As soon as the bell dings You don't need to get up Especially if you're in a middle or window seat. If you have a connecting flight,

I get up immediately. Here's another tip. Why? Because I want to get my bag and be forward in line. And I also expect... I also am trying to respect the people behind me who want me to move fast. And I don't want to be rushed in the moment.

So I try to get up as soon as possible. If you're in a window seat, take as long as you want. But people will... The ethics of exiting the airplane is that you let the row in front of you entirely exit before you move forward. No. Don't do that. Just go. If you haven't... It's like

traffic. If this person's taking too long, you just zip ahead. You're in the flow of traffic. You have the right of way. Might as well open the door in the mid-air. Well, they should open the back door while we're talking about what is the... Final thought. Airplane mode is an illusion.

You don't need it. Yes, you do need to buckle your seatbelt at all times. That is something they will check. You don't need to worry about having your headphones not on. Air Canada is weird about headphones, but you're not flying to Canada. We're talking about domestic flights. What about tray table upright? Why do they make you do that?

They're crazy. They just want everything to be clean. Block the exit if there's an emergency landing. You want to be able to not obstruct it. Put your bag all the way in front of the seat in front of you. That is something they will be weird about. You cannot have your purse on your lap.

You can put your backpack next to you as a lean-to against the window, which is a great device, or on your lap or on your tray table. Put your backpack and lean forward on it. That is a much better thing than just putting a pillow on your tray table. But you can conceal it with a blanket on the side, and they won't catch you for that. You cannot vape in a bathroom. The vape will set off the smoke alarm.

You will be fined $5,000. It has happened to people I know. $5,000? Not worth it. Why can't you just do it in the seat? Like under your jacket? Yeah, I don't... Because no one wants anyone vaping on a plane.

Right, but they can't... Why when you're landing and taking off do you need the window to be open? Don't know. That one's arbitrary. But again, you won't get in trouble. They'll just be like, put up your window shade. Like, I think everyone's so scared of getting an FAA, like suspension or something.

Like if you fuck up on a plane and by the way you are allowed to lean back your chair no matter what it is not it is i don't lean back my chair because i just feel bad for the person behind me but it's not that's just that's a thing i used to not do i used to be like no i'm gonna lean it back no matter what if someone leans back their chair when i'm behind them i don't care you have that right the chair wouldn't lean back unless you were able to use it so do that whatever you want get up to go to the bathroom as much as you want a flight don't worry you don't care. You have that right. The chair wouldn't lean back unless you were able to use it. So do that whatever you want. Get up to go to the bathroom as much as you want on a flight. Don't worry. You don't have to go, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Please. I hate that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I litter the world with sorries. But hey, here's my thing. No, you got two Macs. If someone says sorry to you, say it's fine.

I don't like when you say sorry and they say nothing. That is so rude. You should be suspended from the flight. Because they're actually pissed that they had to move, which is insane. Yeah, they are actually pissed. And they are, that's so lame. You should pee a lot of times. One bathroom break every three hours. If you need to go more than that, you should

get an aisle seat. Two hours. Agreed. That's a good system. Let's talk about gait behavior. You don't need to line up before your row is called let me even talk about southwest where you line up a1 through 30 b1 through 30 whatever a1 through 30 through 60 i'm always like a22 or something i would never in my life go find my place in line wait for the road to just hang back i don't understand all these people lining up like just

wait until you see about 22 people come in kind of look at their boarding passes see what number they are and then just jump in line no one can get mad at you because you are you are in the number you should be even if they do seem like you're cutting in front of me you can just be like yeah i'm a16 you're a24 you should be behind me and they can't get mad at you and that's a victorious um and be quicker when you're like putting your luggage up also put it sideways for the love of god everyone they say that a million times then everybody puts it flat yeah you know because you guys all have the box ones oh right and they always put it flat and then the flight attendant has to go fix them up. They're like, they say

books on a shelf and people are like, my book go flat on shelf. Because these people don't read books. They don't know. And also, airplane mode is an illusion. Stop having a giant hard rolling suitcase that you bring on the plane.

I think that those rolling suitcases that you bring on the plane should be banned. Because I think if you need that much stuff, then you probably need a checked bag that goes underneath the plane. I disagree. But it should be free to check a bag and that's why Southwest is good.

No, duffel bags are hell. Duffel bags. You have to actually put them on. Duffel bags are 80. Duffel bags. And they tried to get me to check that and they're like, oh oh that's not going to fit And I'm like this could fit under my seat

It's way smaller than a rolly suitcase I think those rolly suitcases I remember when they started to happen I mean they weren't always a thing It was like 20 years ago when they all of a sudden Had the perfect size square rolly suitcases That you can store Can you believe there weren't wheels on luggage until recently

Like that seems like The wheel would be invented And there weren't wheels on luggage until recently? That seems like the wheel would be invented and then they put it on luggage. I loved those days. I just still carry a box one. You have a briefcase. Why don't you want wheels on your luggage? Because they're so ugly and you guys look everyone looks so stupid dragging them around. No, I don't even drag it because I have four.

I just lightly touch it. I would put a finger on it and it just travels with me. Yeah, they're just so ugly. With my beige bag. Oh, a moment of that. Your bags aren't beige. That's pink. Really?

You think it's pink? Anya thinks it's pink too. Well, look at the website. It definitely says beige. Maybe that's the name of your special. Beige bag. A moment that. Beige bag is back.

I can't get over on planes Is When the When the Flight attendant comes by With snacks Or drinks And

They ask you if you want snacks I feel So Infantilized Whenever I request something They go Do you want a snack? And then you have to go

I'll take the cookies It feels so Like a little baby I'll take We have. It feels so like a little baby. We have chips and cookies. You know how you give a baby three choices so they don't have unlimited choice? That's what they do to you on the plane. They go, we have chips, we have

cookies, and we have crackers. And you go, I'll take the crackers. And then they give you the crackers like you're a little baby. Well, when you're flying business, they give you a basket of all these snacks and they just put it in front of your face and everyone just has to read each thing and touch each thing.

Just pick it. You're making everyone else wait. It's so annoying. I hate little fingers. Just people that go... That have to touch everything. The next time you're not In business class Just listen to all the people

When the flight attendant Is coming by with snacks And how childish They sound When they go I'll take the cookies And I'll take the Can I have a milk

Everyone has a little technique For how they don't want To sound like a little baby Sometimes they go like I'll take the cookies please And you can tell That they're overcompensating I just

I say I don't want anything because I don't want to sound like a baby. No way. Brian, don't miss out on a biscotti or a nice brownie brittle. What about the people that are ordering apple juice on the plane? Because you don't want to seem like a loser.

You're not going to eat a snack. That's so dumb, Brian. And then these losers next to me are like, can I get a Munchos? And it's like, you're a fucking loser. That's so funny that you won't do that. You're missing out. That stuff is good.

Snacks are fun. I put my chin up like this. Those snacks are so old. I think you sound like a baby. I don't. And I go, I don't want anything. And then they think, oh, alpha male. My biggest plane hack is what I said before.

It is, if you're in a middle seat, you can be comfortable when you sleep. You put your tray table down. You put your backpack on top of it and you put a sweatshirt on top of that. You make it as tall as possible and then you lean on it. Do not lean directly on the tray table. That's too low. It will hurt your back. Don't put just your sweatshirt on

the tray table. You need the backpack on top of it. Create a giant mound as high as it can go and then lean on it. It is seriously better than being a window seat. You can do that on a window seat too, but it's like you can make a window seat doable. And please, for the love of God, if you decide

to sleep in a middle seat, don't make everyone next to you tortured with your bobbing head up and down. Just please lean forward and go to sleep it's so hard to just make this so like like catching themselves apnea style every three seconds it's like nodding off on heroin on the middle lean your chair back so there's some way for your head to not keep going like bouncing forward it is it's hell or get a turtle neck brace thing. There's a

neck pillow called the turtle. T-U-R-T-L. And it wraps around your neck and it keeps you from doing that bouncing shit. You are a turtle if you wear one of those. I can't stand it. Turtle. But yeah, I mean, I'm so obnoxious on planes and I'm sure there's... And don't fart on planes. That's really rude.

I think people feel like they can get away with it because it's muffled by the sound. It gets sucked up into the air system and circulated throughout. No one needs that. Just don't go on a plane at all. Just stay home. That's really what it is. Just stay home.

Where are you going? Stay there. Oh, here's another one. You don't have anywhere to go. Oh, my God. This is 90% of people, I think. I am going to trigger someone. When you check your bags and you're at the, you know, the talking to the person and you

get your boarding pass and they give you your boarding pass, they give you your bag tags and it's time to go to your gate. Go to your fucking gate. Leave the area. There are people in line behind you who are late for their flight and i'm just not talking about me i'm worried about people that because i've been late before guaranteed there's someone behind you that needs that gate agent so they can check their bag and make it onto the plane by the way you can check your bag up to 45 minutes before your plane takes off so if your plane is scheduled for 6 45 you can

check your bag up until six o'clock after that you have to get on the next flight because your bag will not make it so that is a rule that people don't know about but people just dawdle they will just get their tags and they'll go and so i go down here it's like just follow the fucking sign clear the way because people always get the people that are that line is always urgent so move your ass there's no one that's not urgent in that line and these people after now they're safe so now they can start taking their time they used to be an urgent person but they have no recollection of what that used to feel like moments ago how about we all just have a little respect and empathy for other people's struggles well i got to the airport earlier than them well fuck you you had better parents that taught you

how to be responsible. This person isn't late because they're a bad person. You're going to be late someday in your life. Be nice to them. Oh, this is my biggest tip. If you, and I've said this before on podcasts, maybe not this one specifically, but if you are running late for your flight

and your bag's already checked and you just have to get through TSA and the line is fucking long, be a hero for yourself and ask to cut in line. No one's going to begrudge you that. Say how late you are for your flight. Apologize profusely and cut in line. Do not

miss your flight because you're scared to be annoying. Those people will forget about you as soon as you go through. It's not annoying. You can be very grateful. You can make them feel like a little hero because they let you through. Fight for yourself. Don't just take it up the ass and stay in the back of the line and be like, well, I can't cut. Just have the balls.

Swallow your pride. But where do you go in? Don't take it up the ass. Have balls. You go in where you're going to have a chance. Yes, exactly. Don't talk to the person right in front of you and then like slowly

make your way. Yeah, no, you gotta cut through the middle. Right? And don't implore, don't talk to the TSA agent. They don't give a fuck about you. They'll tell you to go to the back

if they catch you. They won't help you. And they, no, not, they won't do that if they catch you. They've told me to go to the back. If you're asking people, I was cutting,

I was going under the rope to cut and they were like, no going past the rope. You need to go all the way around like a snake. You know what I would do in that scenario? I would say, I said, ma'am, I'm just going to ask someone if I can cut. I'm so sorry. I'm late for my flight.

We've all been there. I'm embarrassed. This is so embarrassing. Just a threat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To the airline. I think people feel so scared going to airports because they feel like they're going to be arrested for the slightest thing and everyone's a people pleaser and everyone's

has alcoholic parents so everyone's tiptoeing around everyone's feelings and everyone's scared of getting in trouble i promise you you can leave your bag and go to the bathroom no one's going to confiscate it even though they keep saying things of like don't leave your luggage it will be confiscated it won't be i love doing it um just relax with air travel and if you have any questions dm me because i would love to dispel your fears and also if you fought if you feel you have turbulence on a plane um it isn't gonna turbulence planes can handle it so much someone once said to me a pilot once said to me that turbulence is the same as driving over a styrofoam cup on the highway would you freak

out about that if you were a driver no it would be literally nothing but it feels like so much to someone else but it's that is what pilots look at turbulence as it literally is not any detriment you're not going to die. And don't hold my hand. No, actually do hold my hand. I would like it. Is this the end of the show? Did we already do final thought?

Yes. Okay. Well, we covered it all. This was a very air travel heavy show. But I think I just am tired of people being nervous about something that I'm just like, this isn't a big deal. But I get that because I used to be that way too. But as someone who does it a lot,

it's not that much to worry about. You're going to make your flight. It's going to be okay. Yeah, and come see us in Florida this weekend, 19th and 20th, Fort Pierce, Daytona Beach. And then I'm going to be in Atlanta soon and many other cities,

NikkiGlaser.com, including the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles, California, May 9th with Taylor Tomlinson, Michelle Buteau, and Sarah Silverman. If you want to plan a trip around that to L.A., that is going to be a fun one.

Can't wait. I'm so nervous. Who knows what it's going to be like. But it's Hollywood Bowl day. Yeah. I told my voice teacher yesterday. I was like, oh, and I'm performing at the Hollywood Bowl. He was like, what?

What? He goes, what is your life? And I was like, I know. It's crazy. I'm in Baldwin for this little voice lesson, and I'm performing at the Hollywood Bowl in May. Hey, Baldwin ain't nothing. Baldwin ain't nothing. Biggin' bones.

All right, guys. Thank you guys for listening. Don't be ca-un-da-da-da-da-da. Jump the line. Jump the line. Jump a jack flash. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Tell me Jack Flash. You'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.