The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #41 Cliff Glaser!

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

Nikki is interlacing stories from her iHeart Radio Awards experience through the episode. The outfits her stylists gave her for the awards show and one she wore to lunch with David Spade, running joke...s with Joel McHale, arriving with Gleb Savchenko and bonding with Nelly. Andrew talks about having a full suburban day. In the headlines he let's Nikki know what people are doing on the job, what people should not be doing on TikTok and they talk about the "Rachel". The Top 1 Bottom 1 segment has stories about being in cars and Nikki leaves the Final Thought with a to be continued... Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch
Starting point is 00:00:22 your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,
Starting point is 00:00:53 it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more.
Starting point is 00:01:41 Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same,
Starting point is 00:02:04 our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Starting point is 00:02:30 Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour,
Starting point is 00:02:53 tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, miss doing the show um thank you so much to all of our listeners i didn't know i could feel so connected to fans as i do on this show and it's just the best i finally feel what taylor swift
Starting point is 00:03:55 feels for her fans and like literally every artist that goes i have the best fans and i don't know if you guys are the best let me just say that because i don't know every fan base so that's a ridiculous statement to make I'm not one of the I don't like to do that when people are like it's the best sushi restaurant in town and I go have you been to every single one let's just change it to the best one I've been to how about that then we're more honest and we don't um we don't get ourselves into trouble when someone's like well what about this place and you can be like and then you have to lie and be like i have been there and and then you haven't i've been in that lie so many times where you like make a statement and then someone goes well did you see this movie and i'm like yeah it wasn't as good as his other ones you know like that's the
Starting point is 00:04:36 best blah blah film and i just like lie to support it even though i don't need to because i just don't want to i know enough about that film to get by and pretend i've seen it a while ago and forgot details but really i just saw the trailer um okay lots to cover on the show today fast talking glaze is here to get through it all um noah hi i've got the bullet okay i need you to like tell me what i've promised to to describe because the enthusiasm for these stories has waned just slightly but it's coming back up as i remember and when i tell them i will be back in it again but i mean i i think this was an incredible night it happened to me so i you know i'm a little bit biased but uh i do feel the need to tell everyone about this i will say though that people aren't as
Starting point is 00:05:26 impressed as i thought they would be by this whole thing uh because to me it was the if you know me you know how uh terrifying this all was but let's let's get into it so i got asked to host you guys heard me get the text on air yeah last thursday it was last Thursday's show or two Thursdays ago, um, to, uh, present at the I heart radio awards, um,
Starting point is 00:05:53 which is a fucking big deal. Like I made a joke when I was on the red carpet that Elton John was being, um, honored for his, uh, what did I say for his performance or his um i said for his music but i said something about for his perform performance or his portrayal or i said the wrong word like acting and i go well he will be acting tonight when he acts you know uh honored to receive an
Starting point is 00:06:21 i heart radio award and i thought i like slammed the show but then it was really like a touching tribute and he was touched um it was wild oh my god okay so many things to say so no where should I start okay uh if first of all your outfit I loved it so much thank you it was all my stylist Danny and Emma who like I've been working with since 2013 when I met Danny um at MTV and they dressed me like um you know a pop star they dress a lot of pop stars they dress um Olivia Rodrigo um so many girls Ava Max uh they just whenever I go on their Instagram it's just like all pop stars and um really really they just have the best style of anyone and the fact that I'm working with them is totally just coincidental because of my connection to Danny otherwise
Starting point is 00:07:17 I would not have found these girls I would have thought you know they are too they they create looks for people who are cooler than I am and I so often I have to be like guys I can't I tell jokes for a living I can't wear this um and then they convince me that I should because they're like if you wear this dress this is the kind of thing that like Versace will see you in and be like I need her to wear a dress because you have like a really good figure for dresses. Like, you know, I, I, um, I found freedom from my body dysmorphia from my body issues and from my compulsive eating. And so in the past year, it feels really good to be the size that I am because I know it's where my body wants to be and I don't feel this like guilt about being a thin woman or this uh anger that I'm not a little bit thinner you know I'm not like I've seen where the the dresses I wear I see the runway version and it's a girl who's four sizes
Starting point is 00:08:17 smaller than me which I already feel like a girl whose four size is too small sometimes because as much as I can feel terrible when I feel overweight, there's times where I feel really bad when I'm just skinny and go, do I deserve to be? And people are people going to think I'm doing sneaky things to get this. But anyway, I felt really good in this dress. I tried it on first. It was like a I felt like Ariel green has a slit on the side has like a cut out on the side cut out on the other like it was just like gorgeous and sequined and green and beautiful and I just loved it it was the first thing I tried on out of like 20 things that I tried on that they brought to my hotel room and um and then
Starting point is 00:08:58 there was another outfit that I was like whoa this is killer too and they were like well it's a cool street fashion look and I go yeah i guess but and they go we actually know a photographer like a pop guy paparazzo kind of guy but really more of a street photographer who like you know takes pictures of women going out or like our clients going out on the street and you think these are just like oh she's just walking into lunch but it's really like an organized thing. So I go, all right,
Starting point is 00:09:26 well, I'm going to dinner with David Spade tomorrow. Do you want to send your guy? And I'll wear this to go to dinner. So I called up David. I'm like, we got to go somewhere nice and you have to dress up. Cause I am going to be dressed like,
Starting point is 00:09:38 honestly, I'm good. It's, it was like a dress that I felt like Kesha at the 2003 VMAs. Like that's how I was dressed, but it looked awesome because early 2000s is so good. The pink one. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:09:49 I posted it yesterday. Yeah. It was so fun. But then I got in the restaurant and I felt actually I had to give myself a pep talk before I went out to dinner because I was going to Nobu and yeah, it's like a really celeb, cool centric place. Paris Hilton was there, let photograph there last night. I was like, Oh like oh my god I was like it's the first time I'm going there David just likes
Starting point is 00:10:10 it because we went we go really early because he likes to eat dinner at like five o'clock and so we were like the only ones there we sat in the back and like it was I just I felt ridiculous wearing that outfit because I do not go to dinner with friends in outfits like that and I had to do sets right after that so I had to change in Dave's car because he drove me to my set and I was like do you mind if I just like change because I can't go on stage like this it's just too much but we got I got a photograph walking in which was so I mean okay so I'm not even getting the VMAs because this story is pretty good so I go I say to Dave i was like i'm i'm staying pretty east in hollywood he's coming from the west side we're meeting like halfway but between us and i go can you
Starting point is 00:10:53 scoop me up before i go before we go to dinner and he was like where are you staying he's like oh it's kind of a trek do you mind taking an uber and then i'll pick you up and i was like perfect he was like meet me at the comedy store it was near where nobu so on my way there i go dave i'm not getting out i'm not being dressed like this at the comedy store it's too embarrassing like i really i i don't dress like this i feel like i'm just doing this for my stylist to like because they they believe in me and i want to believe in myself and i really was like i have to do for them. And it wasn't doing it for them. It was like doing it for me too, because I don't do things just to make other people happy.
Starting point is 00:11:28 I really like knew that this was best for me because I did look great. And it was an awesome opportunity to wear these outfits that were really expensive that were being lent to me. Like, you know, it's cool. There's no reason not to. The only reason not to is that I think that people will think I'm kuh.
Starting point is 00:11:48 And the thing is, I don't think I'm kuh.'m so that's the truth and I'm allowed to play dress up so I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror before I left because the night before I had been at the I heart radio awards and I saw machine gun Kelly and Megan Fox there and Megan Fox was dressed like you know class, classically beautiful, hot pink dress. It was like a pink almost jumpsuit, I think. Whatever it was, it was gorgeous and not over the top, not like making a statement. But Machine Gun Kelly's wearing, you know, nail polish, long nails. They painted their tongues black last week for some award show. Like they put in so much effort and everyone thinks they're cool. And I think Machine Gun Kelly is the coolest person alive.
Starting point is 00:12:25 So I and Harry Styles, when he wears a dress, no one goes, oh, he's trying they're cool. And I think Machine Gun Kelly is the coolest person alive. So I, and Harry Styles, when he wears a dress, no one goes, oh, he's trying to be cool. He just wanted to wear a fucking dress. So I talked to myself in the mirror and I was like, you're cool, you're allowed to play dress up, you're allowed to feel pretty, you're allowed to wear a ridiculously short, pink, flowy blazer slash dress
Starting point is 00:12:42 that you don't know what it is that might unbutton in the wind because you are not you just want to have fun and you're not doing this to get people to like you more you're doing it because you have an opportunity to wear something fun and it's and the only reason you wouldn't do it is because you are you're because you want people to think i don't have fun so if you ever do not do something because you're like I think people are gonna think I'm which now we all know what we've been thinking that feeling forever but we just never had a word for it Noah said the other day I don't know what
Starting point is 00:13:14 I used before like truly what the hell did we say like sweet I know Max Boehringer used to be like oh he thinks he's sweet and I'm yeah, that still has the same connotation, but I just am always avoiding people thinking I'm K. And really I'm thinking about two girls on Instagram that might make fun of me to each other in a text thread. That's really what it boils down to. So I go and I go, Dave, don't meet, I can't do a comedy store. So I go to Katana,
Starting point is 00:13:43 which is literally a hundred feet away from comedy store because I'm just too scared of comics seeing me and being like was that Nikki and I have to wait on the street it's all very embarrassing so I go to Katana because it has a little um it's a really nice restaurant and out front they have like the maitre d uh the host stand on the kind of like outside you know and I'm standing there and he's like good evening ma'am and I go oh I'm not dining here I'm just waiting for my friend to pick me up I'm sorry I feel really ridiculous in this outfit can I just like kind of stand to the side because this is Sunset Boulevard uh you know 6 p.m traffic is whizzing by it's bright as hell outside I'm in this pink
Starting point is 00:14:18 outfit with like these disco ball earrings and a just it's just I feel ridiculous even though I gave myself the pep talk then Dave's running late and I'm like god damn it but fine you know what confidence so I'm standing there and he was like and then his boss comes over this girl and she starts sorting like menus and she goes hi ma'am and he goes she's not eating here and I go I'm just standing here waiting for a friend I'm really sorry I didn't mean to make it look like I was I've been I was just like nice you know and she kind of just won't even say anything to me you know doesn't go oh it's okay or anything she just like sniffs and then she kind of sits like moves over to work on something else near the host stand and the man's still standing there and because his boss is there and he's all scared, he goes, ma'am, you can't stand here.
Starting point is 00:15:06 Meanwhile, there's no crowd. This is way before they even get a crowd. It's there's no. And he goes, you can stand over here, which he points me to the sidewalk, which is a sidewalk that's been made because there's construction on the street, you know, and so they kind of veer into the traffic to make like a fake sidewalk. So it's barricaded, but it's like on the street. And I go, dude, I really look at how i'm dressed can i not stand there i'm trying to be a little conspicuous and he goes you could stand right
Starting point is 00:15:29 over here then he points right next to the other side and it's a active garage driveway there's no sidewalk so he gives me no options and i go cool okay i go fine kind of under my breath not as brazen as that and i go on my phone like in the sidewalk area. And I'm just like this fucking guy can't let me stand in front of the host stand when no one is here. And you are a host at Katana, you dumb 50 year old man who hates your life and is just mad at me for I don't even know what because I made you look stupid in front of your younger woman boss.
Starting point is 00:16:02 So then Dave pulls up and I get in to his car and uh it's like i have to walk by the host stand and walk past that little garage away and then i'm like dave i fucking hate that guy so much and i'm looking at the guy through dave's window and i wish his window would have been down because i was just like i hate i go okay and i'm like you know making really in the guy's locking eyes with me so he can see my aggression and i go yeah you thought i was a fucking prostitute and then guess what i get into a car with david spade so now you definitely think i'm a prostitute and uh as i'm saying i'm like well so now it's even more likely dave liked it No, he doesn't need to get prostitutes. He does well.
Starting point is 00:16:48 But no judgment for any man who do. And no judgment on any escorts. And I would love if someone said that I look like an escort. And I did. Gotta get to Andrew. We'll get into more details about the show. I want Andrew, because I haven't really got... Andrew didn't even really ask me about it yesterday.
Starting point is 00:17:03 I haven't told anyone back home all the details of the iHeartRadio Awards, which are also wild. Let's get into that with Andrew. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,
Starting point is 00:17:26 offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How To Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Starting point is 00:18:03 Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking.
Starting point is 00:19:00 The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn.
Starting point is 00:19:27 Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. The theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help?
Starting point is 00:20:02 As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.
Starting point is 00:20:35 I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story
Starting point is 00:21:05 with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Good morning, Andrew. How was the awards?
Starting point is 00:21:31 Dude, that's so funny. Off air, I just was like, will you ask me about the awards? And he's, that was great. Good segue. Such a good segue. Wait, how did you sleep? Because I truly don't ask you every morning
Starting point is 00:21:42 when I eat breakfast in front of you. I like bite my tongue to not say, how are you? How did you sleep? But how did you sleep? I slept good. We had a good... I had a great day yesterday. Amazing Sunday.
Starting point is 00:21:54 Yeah. You know, you go on a... Well, I wasn't here. So let's start with that. That really made it. I mean, it starts then. And then it works. Trust me.
Starting point is 00:22:04 I was counting down the minutes for when you got back. I know you wrote me, when are you back today? And I was like, what is going on back home? I go. Whenever I write those things to you, I hope, like, sometimes I feel like you will read too far into it. Like, oh, he must be having a kegger at the house, and EJ's over going down on some random girl,
Starting point is 00:22:25 you know? No, my dad doesn't need pussy. No, I'm sure he does. I mean, actually I don't want to speculate either way. It grosses me out.
Starting point is 00:22:32 So I'll just stick with, no, he doesn't. But then my mom will be sad. I'm sure he says babe before. I don't, when you asked me, I just figured you always offer to pick me up at the airport and stuff.
Starting point is 00:22:41 And I always have car services, but that's what I thought it was. And I thought like, you know, if I was going to be out with my girlfriend all day and stuff and maybe banging in the living room, like, I might want to know. I wouldn't. I think it's, like, you think it's sex-related. I might think it's sex-related. And I do.
Starting point is 00:22:56 And it should be. I mean, the day was great. Listen to the day. Woke up, did a workout class. Fantastic. Went and got food from revel which is like a healthy bowl place ate that out of her place showered got coffee from starbucks went to the zoo zoo was too crowded so we went back to the house got lime scooters rode around
Starting point is 00:23:16 went to the golf range hit golf balls got back here got chicken salad three different kinds on the way home ate the chicken salad went back to her place watch princess bride i slept for two hours then we had sex for 35 minutes we both came and then watched a little bit of master of none and then i came back here and watched bo burnham with you whoa what a perfect day i mean that's a great day i'm not being facetious oh my god that's a very simple suburban life day but boy is it a great day. It's a very simple suburban life day, but boy, is it a great day. No, it has all the elements that you want. Food, sex, tanning. Golf.
Starting point is 00:23:51 Golf. Laundry. Tan. I'm just trying to make it Jersey Shore. And gym. It was all the... And gym. Oh, no laundry.
Starting point is 00:23:58 How's your hammy? Hammy's good. Yeah? I'm back. I'm back. I went to the gym this morning. 100% you think? I'm at 87
Starting point is 00:24:05 which is a normal guys you know uh 200 i take that grade hey every day 87 i was happy oh an 86 i would be like i could do better 87 i'm like b plus let's bump it up it's good when you got an 89 that's an a that's an a 88 is probably the best feeling i ever had because i'm not kidding you 88 because 89 you go i could have gotten a 90 but in in the 90 feels like shit because you're the low hey this is exactly what i say to people turning 30 or 40 yeah um you're the youngest of your like age so when people go on 30 i'm 40 bo burnham i'm turning 30 You're the youngest 30 year old You just went from
Starting point is 00:24:47 Being the oldest 29 year old 20 year old Not relating to anyone Now you're the youngest Do you have this feeling At all Did you feel like
Starting point is 00:24:54 When you got out of college I know you went right Into stand up So you didn't I was already in stand up Bo Bo Yeah you were in stand up I jumped into it hard
Starting point is 00:25:03 Yeah My point being is that In my 20s i swear to god when i was 24 i felt older than i do now and i know that sounds crazy at 41 because i thought it's time to be an adult like you've been told your whole life like at this age you're an adult so it's time to be an adult and you got to do adult things and you got to be an adult adult adult and then i feel like i relate to that of just turning 28 and being like it's so old like i relate the way i process it as like the age and going like oh my god it's so old and now that i'm about to turn 37 it's just like yeah who cares
Starting point is 00:25:36 like that's a great age i think that's like a hot age i have never felt better in my life yes the skin is falling off my skull um wait it is yeah like my facial skin is sagging there's no way to to stop it uh there are ways i just don't have any interest in doing it i am getting older i will look so like it's so weird to me when someone is like like would lie to you look younger it's like well that's impossible like just we it's okay to age i am older thing you know yeah you are when people go like i that's impossible like just we it's okay to age i am older you know yeah you are when people go like i haven't seen you in a while you look different i should i've aged yeah it's a thing that everyone must go through and you don't have to tell me well you
Starting point is 00:26:16 look you look younger now no one's ever told me i look young from age and i don't want anyone to start because the only reason you would is because i said that no one's ever told me it but no one's ever told me that and i'm okay with that i would like to look my age sometimes i look a little bit older one time on dancing with the stars i've said this before probably but uh demarcus where said how old are you and i was like 30 40 goes no and i go yeah he goes no way and i go yeah he goes oh my god really I could have sworn you were 32 what what is the difference the difference is an 86 to an 88 that is the difference you're so right but like I was expecting like oh my god he thought I was 25 okay Noah just wrote down awards okay Noah we'll get to
Starting point is 00:26:56 it I mean we don't have much time I just want to hear the story get off our back I've been waiting why don't you ask me specifically I tried not texting you this weekend because I wanted to save it all for the show. You're not going to get it. You're going to have to wait until the final thought, and we probably won't even get to it then. Okay. Okay. Let's obviously, wait, let's start with the awards. Let's start with the date.
Starting point is 00:27:17 Like, you went out of your comfort zone. You go, hey, I want a date for the awards. I don't know if I want a date. That was in my comfort zone. I don't understand why everyone doesn't get a date to these awards people go to award shows all the time alone like joel mckayle i ran into him at the awards he's there alone i go bring a friend get your friends some publicity because they'll do whatever you want like when you're a presenter they give you whatever you want so if you go hey i want to bring my friend
Starting point is 00:27:41 tony who's on while and out and wants some pictures that is like a new comic. Then Tony gets some pictures on Getty. It helps his thing. So I invited Gleb. Like usually it's either your mom or someone you gotta be fucking. Like there's no in between. No, it's publicists.
Starting point is 00:27:57 Mom's Oscars, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about I Heart Awards where it's just like. No, no, I know. I'm just saying, no, usually like people think like I can only bring my mom or someone. Oh, right,
Starting point is 00:28:06 right, right. Yeah. Yeah. And that's not, you can bring someone in between like a Gleb. Yeah. And people can speculate that you're fucking,
Starting point is 00:28:13 even though we're not, you know, like it's, let's drum up some, uh, curiosity about people. And Gleb, uh,
Starting point is 00:28:19 is an amazing talent beyond his dancing on dancing with the stars. And I just like having him around he makes me funnier he's funny to comment on when i do interviews so we got there he's a himbo uh like a bimbo yeah male male no he's not a bimbo he's so smart he's not a bimbo i want to make him that because he's so hot but he's i've really gotten to know him i love glub so much he's like honestly one of my i would put him up on a like nearing a top shelf best friend damn it's weird we've really like i like that and it wasn't that way when we were partners on dancing with the stars it's weird when you
Starting point is 00:28:54 spend a friendship dancing seven hours a day it doesn't really develop into anything as special as it does when you just spend time together not doing something that you're terrible at and one person resents you for being terrible at so um we we he comes to the w hotel i do glam all day it was so fun i got um not all day but i i got uh these two uh makeup artists and a hairstylist that were just like so fun the and i was just a little chatterbox and we were talking all about like who i might see there tonight and like how i'm feeling about everything it was just a little chatterbox and we were talking all about who I might see there tonight and how I'm feeling about everything. It was just so fun. And then I was smoking weed too
Starting point is 00:29:30 while I'm having it done even though I shouldn't have been. But I was like, I just have to say a couple lines on the teleprompter, not a big deal. And we were just having a blast. And then I get dressed for it and I'm like, oh shit,
Starting point is 00:29:41 I have to go do this. I thought the party was over. I had so much fun getting ready i am spray tanned within an inch of my life like i've uh i just go in the shower and she just douses me with sally hansen's spray tan because my spray tan wasn't dark enough that i got the night before um and i'm just standing there naked are you ever worried that you'll go too dark no okay no i've not literally never been too dark it's it has been really the worst was uh the degenerates and i look amazing yeah and that's the darkest like i could ever have been like you can't do worse than that um i've tried and uh my skin does not absorb it
Starting point is 00:30:18 as well so i went to the spray tan lady before which she only did two passes on me for the mtv awards and i was pissed off because it wasn't dark enough and so i had to do sally hansen which is stuff you just spray on it washes off in the shower next to it yes the next day but then this time i go i need three passes and she goes three that's too much and i was like i promise you and then three was not enough so who's right so seven i get dressed uh glubb meets me downstairs we go down there um we take some pictures we get in the car we go over there and um we're a little the show is about to start in like 10 minutes and it's ariana grande in the weekend opening the show and we're at the dolby in like the you know
Starting point is 00:30:57 outside the theater like inside but like you know then there's a red carpet inside paparazzi or no we roll up in the garage and there's just people giving you your lanyard and directing you upstairs. And then there's like a red carpet little setup and it's inside. This is all like, imagine you're going to like an AMC theater. It's like all in the carpeted part
Starting point is 00:31:14 outside the movie theater. That's what it looks like exactly. And it has like a little red carpet with a step and repeat, which is the thing that has all the logos on the back that you step and then you smile. You step down, you smile.
Starting point is 00:31:24 That's pretty much the red carpet thing. It's called step and repeat, just the thing that has all the logos on the back that you step and then you smile you step down you smile that's pretty much the red carpet thing it's called step and repeat just for insider info I didn't know it until I got in the biz and so I go uh I take some pictures and then I go do some interviews that were wildly chaotic like I just I felt so awkward being in this dress and being amongst all these and and kind of when I walked in at the garage like everyone's dressed in like normal plain clothes because they're like working there and they just all like looked at me like in a way that i was just like i felt like they're like what is she wearing i just felt like i didn't give myself enough of a pep talk i was suddenly alone from the stylists who were going like die i'm dead from your your dad you know like all those yeah it goes from so much like laughter to just
Starting point is 00:32:05 it's quiet in a garage in a garage you never feel hot in a garage no you don't you feel like you're like where's my car yes where's my car let me get home because i yeah someone's gonna rape me yeah it's not like hot yeah when i was with club i wish so i go and um do this erratic interview with a girl from et who i had interviewed with on at the mtv awards a couple weeks before and i was like hi i've never met you she goes i interviewed you last week and i was like oh my god you're amazing we had a really good rapport like i'm getting to know these entertainment reporters and like having fun and saying wild things that make them go like look in the camera like well i don't know what to say to that you know like that's all my
Starting point is 00:32:40 that's everything reporters say to me even though i try to keep it like pg so then i go over to um where they're taking pictures and glubb is like impatient because he's like we're going to miss like weekend and i'm like you're here because i'm here and i also i do want to see ariana grande so we're going to hurry up but i want to get pictures so we go over and get pictures there's a guy a bespeckled man standing at the pictures and i thought he was someone that I used to have romantic connections with that I thought I was going to say this thing and be like oh god I have to see this person and like kind of be like hey
Starting point is 00:33:11 you know he looked identical when I say identical no way this person if he was in a contest for how to look like this person he would have won among thousands of people it was wild so I kind of go I see him from 10 feet or you know 20 feet and i kind of go like kind of scrunch my face like hi we're gonna see each other now this is the way life is you know then i walk closer and i kind
Starting point is 00:33:34 of get even more like like i lift up an arm kind of doing the like wave of like oh this is weird but we gotta do it and he goes nikki and i was like oh he's talking to me and I go oh my god Joel it's Joel McHale who looks so much different he looks younger did he have glasses on he had glasses on
Starting point is 00:33:52 okay and I go Joel you totally threw me and Joel was like so excited that I was there I was so excited Joel was there because we were the only comedians
Starting point is 00:33:59 in this really pop star heavy event because there aren't comedians at this thing this is like going to the Grammys as a comic it's like what am I here for so even though uh comics are often you know nominated for grammys at this i heard awards it's all just music so i take some joel is i'm so glad joel is there fuck because joel mckayla and i have done a lot of these like even though you thought he was someone else oh my god i'm so that's so funny to me that it was actually someone you knew like i've
Starting point is 00:34:25 had that moment i was at oh yeah the bowling alley the other day i thought this girl was my buddy's girlfriend so i was gonna run up and like grab her never do that oh anyways but i've never met the other girl you yeah you know joel well yes i know the magic of hollywood anyways it was it was like such a gift and i'm in glad was there and joel's like who is this guy and i was like it's my dancing with the stars party he goes oh my god what the hell and i go i know right it's like it has that effect on men yes he does he was just the thing is bringing glab around makes me more desirable not not be to joel but like to everyone because they're like what this guy is with her of course well it's i mean i said of course a little strong there. No, it's true.
Starting point is 00:35:05 If you have a hot arm candy, a 32 year old like yourself. But if, if club weren't as amazing as he is good looking, um, well, I'd be lying if I said that he was, but he,
Starting point is 00:35:16 I mean, it's just, it's no one has as good a personality as gloves looks are, but he does. He's up there for it. So then, okay. So I,
Starting point is 00:35:24 I, I take some pictures. Glub dips me on the red carpet without telling me thank god i i nailed the pose because he sent it to me later i go it looks like i'm falling and you're catching me he goes no nikki that's actually really good like where was this and i was like oh thank you he goes what should i write for caption this is the next day and i go i don't know and he's like i don't know what to put for caption that was like glubs you can say something like a little bit mean about us getting voted off but like you should write something nice because
Starting point is 00:35:48 if you feel that that was a good pose you should write that I would like you to say that not just make fun of me and he was like so he came up with a good one my legs kicked out and he was like good thing there was six feet social distancing on the red carpet I go Gleb who wrote that for you and he goes I wrote myself I was like you're funny Gleb Gleb he is funny
Starting point is 00:36:04 he shocks me because he's always like, teach me how you are so natural and funny. And like, I go, Gleb, you got it. Just say everything you, like, just be yourself. I'm teaching Gleb how to be like, not as like, because when they get, when these people and dancers and different singers and stuff that are used to performing in other ways, get a microphone in their hand
Starting point is 00:36:23 and are asked to talk on these shows. And it's their second language. shows and it's their second language exactly it's their second language it's hard to be not robotic and like just like i'm very happy to be here and boring and i'm like glenn you're not boring just talk honestly you're not going to say something racist well you might because he's russian and it's like you know sometimes doesn't translate but just trust that just be yourself because he got up from the table later on when we were going out to dinner after the awards and i go uh he goes i'm going to go to the bathroom. And he winked at me just like jokingly, like it's sexy.
Starting point is 00:36:50 And he goes, I don't know why I just did that. Why did I wink? And I go, because that was funny, Glab. That's hilarious. I go, do, be that. Whatever that is, be that always. It's like a computer malfunctioning. He was so cute.
Starting point is 00:36:59 He's like, I don't know. He was embarrassed he did it because it was funny. And then he was like, I didn't laugh out loud. I feel like a Russian when you're like six, it's time to be an adult. You know how we felt at 24? You're right. It's time to clean the donkey. And they're like, what?
Starting point is 00:37:12 I don't want to clean the donkey. I just want to have fun. You have to when you're six. Yeah. And then you're like, I'm a donkey cleaner now. In Russia, there's only two things that are unavoidable. Death and cleaning donkeys. It's like taxes to Americans.
Starting point is 00:37:24 Well, that is the taxes you have to clean 90 depends how much money you make is this racist probably okay so i have one minute but we'll we'll smatter in details throughout the show i like that idea so i'm sorry i feel like all of this is pertinent and interesting so then we get done taking pictures and i go up to joel because he's kind of lingering he after he got with his interviews. And I go and Glab is like tugging on my arm like, mommy, mommy, let's go watch Ariana. I can hear I can hear the weekend like save your tears for another day. And I'm like, fuck, we're missing it. But you know what?
Starting point is 00:37:55 I need to run my bit by Joel McHale because I wrote Connor McSpadden, a writer that I hired for the MTV Movie and TV Awards Unscripted. Always out of breath when I say that He is one of my favorite writers He also wrote the joke when I did the roast of Some roast I think it was Bruce Willis I said to Joseph Gordon-Levitt who was the MC It was my first joke of the night He introduces me Joseph Gordon-Levitt walks away
Starting point is 00:38:17 And I go look Joseph Gordon-Levitt I love you you're like so hot but like Adorable I bet you I bet you cut the crust off of pussy before you eat it. It was, and Connor wrote that joke. That's a great joke. Which like I get complimented on a lot.
Starting point is 00:38:32 So Connor McSpadden is, Uncrustables. He's amazing. He looks like a machine gun Kelly and Conan O'Brien together. Yes. And he's young and he's just amazing. So Connor wrote, so I get this,
Starting point is 00:38:43 uh, uh, last week I get my category. I'm presenting best new artists. And, or all the best new artists in every category. I'm presenting the whole bunch of them that cuts to a video and reveals all the winners. And Connor wrote me a thing that was like,
Starting point is 00:38:58 you know, when I'm going through my, finding a new, finding a good artist to listen to is like going through my phone and looking for a guy to text. The old ones are always the ones that are easiest to go to but the new ones that get me most excited so i rewrote that into this like funnier thing just because connor had a bunch of shit to write and it's funny because i wrote to connor i was like can you punch up this this thing because i didn't know he was writing he goes i wrote that i was like oh fuck he's like i'm not offended i don't care and so i rewrote it i said it to joel mckay i go joel i'm really nervous because i haven't been able to run this you know i went did sets the night
Starting point is 00:39:28 before but i couldn't be like hey guys can you let me run my best new artist intro like i could have but i just i didn't um so i ran it to joel and he's like oh fuck that's funnier than mine i was like look do yours and i was like no it's not we're they're equally funny it's hard to be funny at these things so So we feel better. We go backstage and there's like, I get Gleb to go in the audience and then they put me in like a tent for presenters. And that is where I will leave the story
Starting point is 00:39:53 because we have to get to the news. Oh, cliffhanger. Oh, cliffhanger. Cliff Glazer. Cliff Glazer. Cliff bar. Grab your cliff bars. Mesothemia or whatever.
Starting point is 00:40:08 What's it called? Mesothelioma? No, the when you... Oh, misophonia. Because people go, you said, don't do that chomping sound. And then you started eating five minutes later. I know. I'm such a hypocrite.
Starting point is 00:40:22 No, it's hilarious. I love it. I love this show because I get to be myself. And then people can go. Someone wrote to me about another thing that I did that really upset them. And really made them. They like me. And they trust me.
Starting point is 00:40:38 And they rely on me for entertainment. And I said something that was really hurtful to them. When they applied it to their own life. And she explained it. And again, I totally was like like I have never considered this perspective when sometimes when I talk I don't consider everyone's perspective and what they're bringing to it and I apologize because although I felt like I was probably correct in my assumptions of what I was saying it I don't know everything and i'm only applying it
Starting point is 00:41:05 to my experience and projecting a lot and so then we had this great interaction and she was and she came at it like it was so nice because she goes the last time this happened with someone you shared it um when the wart thing when i someone wrote to me about like you're taking like you're taking pleasure in people's warts when we are like don't have enough money to get them cut out of our foot like in pain and it just seems like you're not acknowledging like this is a you know uh you know elitist kind of attitude towards like medical things and it's true because people are haunted by their warts anyway this girl wrote a really nice thing i don't want to get into details but shout out to you and shout out to anyone who wants to write me a dm i might not see it but if you want
Starting point is 00:41:42 to compassionately come at something I say and challenge it and give a perspective that I hadn't considered, I love that because I want to be empathetic and understand other people's feelings because it's hard to be empathetic. You have to work at it and you have to let in other people's perspectives even if you might have hurt their feelings,
Starting point is 00:42:02 which is a really hard thing to address in yourself. I didn't used to be so good at it, and sometimes I'm still not. And compassionately come is a great phrase. What did I say? No, you just said it. If you want to compassionately come and... Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:16 Man, that's my new search words on porn. That is so sexy. Okay, first story. It is sexy. This story is sexy. Sharing a love seat with you and i feel like it's getting loving soaked yeah it's more like a fuck chair oh i guess boys don't get wet i get wet you do yeah you get premature jacks oh premature attacks is so much funnier than pre-cum
Starting point is 00:42:40 oh i taste your premature jacks apple jack jacks. All right. First story. I hope you're having fun out there and having all the swells. Okay. So a new study shows that people working from home are having sex, dating, taking naps, and doing side hustles on company time. All right. Here's a little stats. During working hours, 42% have been on a date.
Starting point is 00:43:02 41% have had sex. Almost half have said they've had an alcoholic drink. Almost 60% have taken a nap. An overwhelming 77% say that they shop online. Around 50% of the respondents have worked for another company while on the clock with the other employer. Despite 76% of respondents spending more than four hours each day focused on work, 40% of participants say they spend four more hours away from their computer.
Starting point is 00:43:27 What does this tell you? This tells me that that's what they were doing before. People would go into the office and put in an eight-hour day and get four hours of work done at the most. I would say it's more like an hour of real actual work and good. I mean, we should incorporate these things
Starting point is 00:43:44 into our working lives i think like working for eight hours straight is an insane thing and taking one lunch hour break and thinking that in between that you're not going to socialize and flirt like at work you flirt it might as well be a date at work you go into the fucking copy room and bang on the yeah people are getting hammered i went and got a haircut people get hammered i got a haircut at that union bar replace and they all drink there's like a bar and they're like i was like i don't want you to fucking get hammered just cut my hair and let me get the fuck out of here fucking jeff wait the people working there were yeah they were getting hammered no that's not all right and that explains everything oh shit did they fuck up that's for one yeah that's the
Starting point is 00:44:23 new field sobriety test it's just you give a cop a haircut and you go oh does it look like what andrews does right now no it's a great cut it's a great cut they did a pretty good job they should drink more but yeah so yeah no i i agree with everything you're saying but people do drink at work they do have sex sometimes on the roof i've had that someone write me that they fuck in the stairwell yeah that's been happening i've had sex at work i think that this is, I love this. I think we work too much.
Starting point is 00:44:48 So what do you think a work day should be? Like for a regular, but this is the problem. You give them six hours. Are they only going to work three hours now? No more hours. Just here's what you need to get done. Here's a list of tasks.
Starting point is 00:45:01 If you can get it done. Noah, last week Noah had three things that i needed to do and i was putting them off i banged the i'm so fast when i actually work i got what would probably take most people five hour work day to like go through all the things i got it done in 15 minutes i'm not kidding because i just was like bam bam bam yeah like i can get my work done in little spurts that's why i used to wait to the last second to do papers that i would get 86 on till the last minute i'm not someone who does it over a long time i don't like
Starting point is 00:45:28 that so you think we should change from an hour system to a task system yeah like a chore kind of here's your chores for the day if you finish them now go have fun on a meeting at zoom on i honestly think people would work harder if they could leave at two knowing that they just have to get their shit it's just people love to brag about how hard they work the hours and it doesn't impress me anymore it just tells me that you are a slave to capitalism which we listen we all are and that um it doesn't impress me it kind of it bums me out when someone is a workaholic as as one myself i look at them like an addict like i don't really i'm not really interested in men who are are workaholics yeah or like you know these guys that own these you know that go to davos or
Starting point is 00:46:12 whatever or these tech guys because they just work hours that are just not conducive to having a good relationship um and that's what i want i want someone who can just bang their workout work is done and now let's go into fucking on i love when um i always thought about uh you know when a father would go i work for the family i work for our relationship so your dad yeah yeah yeah i'm projecting and but it's just so funny to think about it's like no they just wanted to get away from you like so much of it was like oh i could jerk off in my office and drink alcohol apparently like when my brother-in-law goes running he's like nikki do you want to run nine miles this weekend and i go no um why and he's like i just think it'd be fun i go because you want to get away from the kids
Starting point is 00:46:55 and have an excuse because my sister's like if matt and i are doing a half marathon around st louis lauren can't be like well you're just going off and having fun no it's going to be hard it's not as hard as kids though that's that's what you know don't have kids is when your brother-in-law constantly asks you to go on marathon runs for fun that are not organized marathons hey you want to drive to Texas yeah it'll just
Starting point is 00:47:18 be cool yeah it'll be cool are we getting out of the car no we're just driving it's how far away from my family? Anything to not have to actually be around kids. I just find it interesting. One last thing about this. Do you think people,
Starting point is 00:47:33 I feel like some people are dying to get back in the office, put a suit on, at least get that feeling of normal life going again. I think that we just need to step out of the box and really force ourselves to be social when we don't want to be. If you're dying for that, you're someone who's social and you'll probably find ways to do it anyway but i gotta tell you guys for the anyone out there who has social anxiety as do i even though that seems counterintuitive to what i am i was more i think more than i'd
Starting point is 00:48:00 heard anyone express being scared about the world opening up this was probably back in like fall or summer when it was starting to open up again and then we closed down i was begging for it to close down again because i just didn't want to be social again i didn't want to have to go out and meet people even though it's like my friends it's like i just didn't want it and then i did it once remember when we got out of quarantine and in the islands and we went to that bar and i wasn't wearing shoes and i was not wearing makeup and i was like I don't want to go to this thing and see all these people from the set we all just got out of quarantine so nervous and then
Starting point is 00:48:30 we hung out for I couldn't leave and maybe that's because I'm more social I wasn't drinking or anything I just just put yourself in a situation that's a little uncomfortable give yourself a pep talk like I did in the mirror to go out dressed in that pink outfit just tell yourself,
Starting point is 00:48:46 I'm Machine Gun Kelly. I'm cool. I'm not trying to be cool. I'm fun. And I can leave if I want to. Fashion egg. Fashion egg. Might be foreshadowing probably.
Starting point is 00:48:55 Yeah, foreshadowing fashion egg. Foreshadow egg. All right, next story. A teenager severely burned her neck and arm and has had to undergo three skin grafting surgery. Can I guess what this is from? Yeah. How did she burn her neck and arm and three skin grafting surgeries because she did some
Starting point is 00:49:15 kind of TikTok challenge? Shut the fuck up. Really? Shut the fuck up. I swear to God. I don't lie. I really, I would admit to you. I go, oh, I would know it.
Starting point is 00:49:23 I didn't know it. No, she was flying an F-15 Is that a TikTok challenge? For the rich kids? I just I couldn't think of anything Of how someone Would just burn themselves
Starting point is 00:49:32 Like in real life It was a plane crashing But yeah she was doing it Okay so it was something With fire I mean like a lighter And then it just exploded You light a drink on fire
Starting point is 00:49:42 Or something like that What? Did it dance too hard To Renegade? lighter and then it just exploded something you light a drink on fire or something like that what dance too hard to uh renegade oh that's blinding lights i mean there is something like so blindly that word people will follow a tiktok until they get burnt like they're not even yeah think especially teenagers they're not they're what is this so what happened to you say what it is yeah the key what the teen is currently unable to speak okay but based on what we found in the bathroom but she did go how many likes did it get yeah yeah that's her last her dying words sorry she saw a video of someone lighting a shape on
Starting point is 00:50:18 the mirror on fire yeah and then she brought in a candle and rubbing alcohol into her small bathroom. And there's no evidence or video of it because it was like her phone was burned. But she tried to make a shape on her mirror and then the whole bathroom ignited. Fuck. Be careful out there. Yeah, you can't even hit post if you burn your phone.
Starting point is 00:50:43 Now she's getting talked about. I don't know if that's in the way that she wants. I hope she's okay. Good thing it wasn't her face. I really feel bad for anyone who suffers horrible burns. Oh, yeah, it's the worst. I watched this one video. Man, I got to find a way to give it to you, Noah,
Starting point is 00:51:01 to put on our story. I watched 60 Min australia sometimes oh i like 60 minutes australia yeah great pieces that you wouldn't see in the states and their reporters are just amazing i don't know youtube has all of them but there was one girl who was horrifically burned um somehow and she was just like you know the macarena yeah it was like a fad back yeah i forget how uh but she was once like the most beautiful girl in school you know the girl that you're like hoping gets burned um when you're a young girl with a lot of resentment no offense i'm just being honest i used to wish horrible things on the pretty girls at school whoa would never have facilitated them but like
Starting point is 00:51:41 if they like i was a girl that when jean benet died when i was in fifth grade i literally how hot she was i wasn't jealous because i was like good she's gonna be competition later and i don't want it i was already acutely aware that pretty girls get everything when i was that age i'm not kidding you it's a really sick thought and i'm just being honest i was just like that's really tragic but like i'm glad it happened to a pretty girl and not someone did part of you want to die because she got so much attention for dying no no no no no no no um but uh definitely scared of death uh but that is a sick thought i had but anyway i just seeing these girls get burned this girl and then seeing how she is now talking through like a hole
Starting point is 00:52:22 in her face that is just glazed and she used to be like the hottest girl in school got all of her attention based on that cheerleader and to see how amazing this girl is now and how she is so grateful to be alive and not bitter about it like it makes me realize that anything can happen to me and I will find a way to appreciate life like I really know that I'm not gonna I don't want to say anything but you know the other day i was thinking what if my voice went away because sometimes it does like what if i lost my voice what if i inhaled um like sometimes you're in a car accident you inhale uh smoke or whatever and you damage your voice forever i go oh i would just start writing books like that would force me to write a book like i have a plan life isn't over and i'm just fascinated by that when people are like the thing
Starting point is 00:53:05 that they think makes them valuable in the world is taken from them and so i hope this tiktok girl did not rest her laurels on her neck um although once she ages enough everyone's neck looks like it was burnt in a tiktok accident that's true she just expedited your neck ages real fast do you think that parents should uh is there something to there was another thing called like skull crusher like these like different challenges remember jackass like don't try this at home yeah do you think tiktok has responsibility for this kind of stuff no it's like it's it's parents it's common sense it's just if it's not going to be that challenge it's going to be something else we can't prevent acts it's an accident and happens and it was
Starting point is 00:53:44 always going to happen and now that girl can have like a better life than she would have if it didn't happen she can affect more change and and be a more positive force in the world i really do believe believe that that everything bad that happens you can look back on and go that actually was meant to be it's it's hard to do for some things but even that my parents just went on a trip to greece yeah for two weeks they got to germany uh to go on their connection and my dad's passport was expiring in 45 days they're only staying for 10 days and they have a return ticket germany would not let them on the plane so they had to turn around and go home they're back home they left yesterday and
Starting point is 00:54:17 they're back home because my dad couldn't and i said i wrote them a note and i go because this trip did not happen something good will happen believe me or something horrible will happen in greece to their friends yeah something you will something you will avoid will happen like like and i go honestly i'm gonna send you guys on a trip to wherever you want to go all expenses paid and i go that wouldn't have happened unless this was because they could the germany wouldn't even let them out you couldn't go anywhere yeah so my dad and um and when he got to the airport in st louis he uh i fucking hate Unless this was, because Germany wouldn't even let them out. You couldn't go anywhere. What the fuck? Yeah. So my dad, and when he got to the airport in St. Louis, he- I fucking hate that shit, though. He only had a picture of his COVID card, which they said was fine when they called the airport.
Starting point is 00:54:54 And they were like, it's not fine. You have to go get a test. So they were at the airport and had to go get a rapid test and get back. They barely made the plane. Then they get in Germany. I mean, I- They were so excited for this trip, too. My dad is so upset.
Starting point is 00:55:04 I don't even want to see them because of how upset they are but i go keep your bags packed i will i will get you a flight to the florida keys right now and you have a week oh yeah and they go we just want to be home we just and i go keep it packed let's talk tomorrow night i might send them off tomorrow on a trip if they keep their bags packed because they're all ready to go they got the dogs away whatever uh let's why do i care i just fucking hate not i don't hate germany but i hate williams that's why i hate rules that aren't don't make sense the thing's 45 days and it's 10 days and can you imagine 35 more days trying to talk to us
Starting point is 00:55:35 say that in german it's like glab at the award show yeah be like uh the uh you know something like that oh yeah you know scheitzer is the only word i know in german which means shit apparently okay why do i care why do i care do you know another word in german i'm a lesbian whore i don't know why i learned why do you know that i don't know my friend taylor taught it to me in like fifth grade i I learned one line in Hungarian. What? Megi fatlak e gitara. What is that? Can I buy you a drink?
Starting point is 00:56:08 Oh. And save void is you're beautiful. Oh. I learned that because I went out in Budapest. I thought I'd get pussy. Can I buy you a drink? You're beautiful? Yeah. Nice.
Starting point is 00:56:15 I should probably say save void first. Okay. Why do I care? Why do I care? Mariah Carey posted a self-deprecating throwback showing an attempt at the Rachel haircut. Oh, yeah. I saw this. It was barely a rachel
Starting point is 00:56:25 that was not a rachel did you do the rachel oh my god i'm still trying to do the rachel i've done it with my pubic hair the rachel can you explain it to people that don't know what everyone knows what it is everyone it is a um like a haircut that is about shorter shoulder length when she was doing it when it was really the rachel and i would say the first and second season of the show it's a layered of a highly layered look um she has really really thick hair so it's has a lot it takes hair that already has a lot of body makes it have even more and it's very pc at the top the um pc as in p-i-e-c-y yeah and then uh the the part is can be a straight part but a lot of times it's like almost like a zigzag it's kind of like PC as in P-I-E-C-Y. Yeah. And then the part is, can be a straight part,
Starting point is 00:57:08 but a lot of times it's like almost like a zigzag. It's kind of like, and you can do this a lot. You run your hands through it a lot and go, oh, why? Oh, and you can play with it.
Starting point is 00:57:14 And it's just. Isn't it interesting? It was the best cut. How much celebrity have, like the Beatles, when they grew a mustache, you know, they all grew a mustache after like their second album or whatever. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:26 Every guy fucking had a mustache. Yeah. And the Beatle Bob haircut. Which? Oh, yeah. Yeah. What celebrity do you think influenced you the most? Jennifer Aniston.
Starting point is 00:57:35 I got called Grandma Jennifer on my field hockey team because by the time I was in high school, Jennifer Aniston had that really pin straight hair. Yeah. Long, long pin straight. Why were you grandma though? Because I had a limp from shin splints when I ran. A very, very severe limp. I literally couldn't walk from shin splints.
Starting point is 00:57:51 It was bad. I had to quit field hockey. You Kaiser Sochet everywhere? It was terrible. So I would iron my hair with an ironing board. Still the straightest. Who thought of grandma Aniston though? I believe it was Courtney.
Starting point is 00:58:05 Is she on fire? Hopefully. No, I love Courtney. I loved it because it was like acknowledging that I looked like Jennifer Aniston. I didn't have to tell someone to tell me that, which is only I've ever wanted. I was obsessed. So I started ironing my hair. And my dad used to walk down into his dressing room where I used the ironing board.
Starting point is 00:58:20 Never burnt myself, by the way. Ironed my hair every day. Put it on the thing so fast, so much faster than an iron, iron straightening iron and by the way in in the early 2000s straightening irons were garbage it wasn't till like 2006 that cheese came out and really changed the game but you used to they would never get hot enough and now ironing straightening irons are as hot as irons that you use on an iron so i was what if you burn your hair you don't would you ever leave the steamer on by mistake oh my god and steam your hair yeah or spray starch on it no i definitely did would use did you do this too i see so the water so your hair would get wet was doing it no it would be
Starting point is 00:59:00 accidental yeah and then it could burn it but no yeah it was no one no one was doing this in my high school how many times did you burn yourself never never once never and i used to people go nick you're gonna burn yourself in the day and i was i could do it blindly and go dad no i'm not but my dad would come down this is kind of disturbing my dad would come down in his dressing room and go like it's just the smell in here it smells like a concentration camp and i go why do you know what that's and he goes it smells like burning people yeah yeah and i was like that's really not nice i mean and and you don't know and i think it's a lot more than hair i wasn't burning flesh dad but he used to say that and be like so mad at
Starting point is 00:59:37 me and i'm like but my hair looks glossy and straight and people i remember wearing it to the green tree festival and people were all abuzz nikki how did you get it so straight and it was my secret and it changed my life it didn't change anything no one liked me more um let's get to top one bottom one we do it every monday let's kick it off with the worst experience in a car your bottom uh experience andrew let's start with you oh man so my bottom one first month had my. I had a brand new Ford Explorer. Actually, it wasn't brand new. It was a few months old that my dad let my stepmom drive. And every time I'd go to school in my school bus, I would see her driving my new car.
Starting point is 01:00:14 And I was such a spoiled bitch because I shouldn't even have a new Explorer. Yeah. But I would see her driving. I go, I should have fucking put on the first miles on that car. But anyways. Yeah. So I got the car. And I'm so fucking cool
Starting point is 01:00:26 i'm 16 i'm in my car and uh this guy this senior in his jeep wrangler rusty was in the back of it and rusty was spit on my car with my buddy jordan and my ego couldn't handle the fucking spit even though that didn't hit me it's on my car it's literally windshield wipers but the disrespect of spitting on my fucking car and so i followed the wrangler and i'm driving right behind him and i just i don't even know what i'm gonna do am i gonna get out and fight them whatever next thing i know the senior starts backing up towards my car and he's completely coming at me and i'm like fuck he's gonna hit my car and so i fucking i go to go around it's like in a private development i go to go around him and there's a truck like a working
Starting point is 01:01:09 truck uh in front of the median like in front of the meeting yeah like with like um cones whatever yeah and i go around it and he tried to cut me off he didn't see me and he fucking drilled the side of my car and i almost fucking fly off a bridge like with my luckily like we did like a whole 180 so i'm like freaking out right first month his parents lived like a block away so his parents came talk to the cops it was my fault because i was on the wrong side of road even though this motherfucker wouldn't let me leave and i didn't know what to do and my dad fucking oh my god it was not not cool and uh so yeah if someone spits on your car don't take so much offense to it yeah just fucking i should no i i and i'm still for you know you end up being my business on a man's car
Starting point is 01:01:56 yeah you don't spit is just like don't fucking spit on people when i watched that jim and andy documentary about jim carrey and andy kaufman like taking the role of Andy Kaufman, which is so good, by the way, on Netflix. Noah, have you seen it? No, I haven't. Oh, my God. If you've never seen Man on the Moon, the Andy Kaufman movie that Jim Carrey starred in from the 90s, it's one of the best films of like one of my favorite films. And then Jim and Andy is a documentary about the making of it. And Jim Carrey, we all know notoriously became andy kaufman off screen too but
Starting point is 01:02:27 it's way weirder than you think way weirder dude it's so i can't believe this documentary has been out since 2017 i just found out about it it's one of my favorite things i've watched it took me like three days to get through because i was like processing it so much but he's he as andy kaufman spits on this guy at one point and it's just like the guy that knew Andy Kaufman back in the day because they casted the same person was like Andy and I did not have this relationship like I don't know why Jim Carrey is choosing to like bully me he's like because Jim is just saying I don't know what's happening I'm just doing what Andy is telling me to do I'm possessed by Andy so he goes I know that Andy and him got along back in the day but what for
Starting point is 01:03:03 whatever reason Andy does not like him right now. And it was just like, okay, all right, Jimmy. So anyway, my worst story in a car. I wanted to beat the shit out of that guy too later on in life. What guy? Because I got bigger because I was really small. Oh, we're still on that. I'm sorry, but I would just see him later in life.
Starting point is 01:03:20 I just want, I would tell him at a party one time. What's his name again? Oh, Joel. Joel McHale. Yeah, Joel McHale, who looks like Jim Ligaments, but whatever. That's an inside joke. later in life i just want i would tell him at a party what's his name again oh joel joel mckale yeah joel mckale who looks like uh jim ligaments but whatever that's an inside joke uh that's a very inside but uh anyways but i got bigger and stronger and you just want to beat up your bullies from back in the day yeah yeah you do when you get stronger anyways go ahead man i've got some good bully redemption or like like confrontation stories uh got to get in that top one, bottom one.
Starting point is 01:03:46 Where they'd be like front row. Next week. One time Molly Collier was front row and she was the one that I peed in her sister's bed at a slumber party that she was my friend and then she and all the girls told the class on Monday that I peed the bed. And she was kind of like pulled into it.
Starting point is 01:04:03 Even though she was my friend, she went sided with the girls and she was at a like pulled into it even though she was my friend she got she went sided with the girls and she was at a funny bone show one time and i go molly and i was headlining it was like my first like big and molly was there i go molly collier's here i go you're the reason i do stand up do you know that you told and it was so good and she was really sweet about it and i was like i know you called me a bitch at the pencil sharpener because ellie told you to in fourth grade and i didn't know what it meant. And I just said, no, you are.
Starting point is 01:04:27 I go, no, I'm not. She goes, you're a bitch. And I go, no, I'm not. And she goes, ooh, good line. I'm going to write that down in my book of comebacks, which was actually a good line. Compassionately come. It was good. Wow.
Starting point is 01:04:39 You're so on that too. It's so hot. You can't let things go today. Never. So my worst thing in a car is really quick but it's I just for whatever reason when I was thinking about this got brought back not to like near accidents or traumatizing physical
Starting point is 01:04:51 things in cars but the way I felt one time when I was with my ex-boyfriend in a car and he said something intentionally really hurtful to me that was the only thing in our relationship that I really remember he did out of, he even admitted to saying like, I did that to hurt you. Cause later on I was like, I think you're being hurtful. You did this, this, this. And he goes, those other
Starting point is 01:05:13 two were totally unintentional and I'm really sorry, but that one was actually trying to hurt your feelings. And it was an ugly moment. And that moment was, I was saying he was in a mood about something, you know, in a bad mood and we were driving he was we were driving to lunch or something and um I was just trying to you know that tension that you feel when you know the person hates you next to you for something that you don't even remember what you did trying to make small talk and be nice and like bubbly and he's just driving angry yeah silent and like just not not in a good mood and i just go um i mentioned some car we saw and i was like oh i like that or something and he goes he goes uh he or i said
Starting point is 01:05:55 that's for whatever reason we were talking about how i i can't tell the difference between cars i can get a rental car and drive it all week and not tell you what the make was or the model like i don't pay attention to cars it's not something in my i just don't know i get it when friends are always like you don't know my car and i'm like i will never know your car i don't pay it's like when you get into um uh an uber and you don't pay attention to the directions whenever i go to a doctor's office and they lead me through the hallway to the and then they let me out of the doctor's office i never know how to get back to the waiting room because i'm following someone i don't pay attention so i go i said to him i go i honestly i don't know anything about cars like the difference between
Starting point is 01:06:28 cars it's so wild like i have a like almost blindness to cars and the differences between them and he goes oh you would think that someone who like is good at fashion would like know about car like like would see the differences like who cares about fashion would care about cars and i go oh i'm terrible at fashion he goes oh you he goes i know or he said something he goes um yeah that's what i meant or something like he said something about like he just insulted my fashion fashion sense which i was really insecure about at the time and he knew that and i just felt so low and so sad just a feeling of just like sadness of like the person i love this isn't going to work i can't be with someone that talks to me like this but i have no idea how this is ever going to end and it
Starting point is 01:07:10 probably it might not i might be trapped in this forever and and you're literally trapped in a moving vehicle and he has full control of it yeah and that's a whole other thing too of like road rage and but now you have motherfucking stylists, so fuck him. No, he's... No, I'm just kidding. I don't say fuck him. The fact that he admitted that he was trying to hurt me and that like it was an ugly moment was actually huge growth.
Starting point is 01:07:34 And that's the only reason I can talk about it. But yeah, just that feeling. I've been... All the flood of thoughts that came back to me of bad moments in cars were not accidents, which I've had, not like hitting pedestrians with my car and feeling like I
Starting point is 01:07:45 was going to go to jail forever. It's when boys have been mean to me. Uh, Noah, what's your worst one? Uh, my worst one, I guess is kind of like a,
Starting point is 01:07:54 a cross of the two of the things that you guys said. I was in a, someone, a guy spit on you in the car. No, but, um, I was in a car with a friend of mine and um he's like want to see me blow this red
Starting point is 01:08:09 light and i'm like no and he like steps on the gas and he doesn't just blow through one avenue he like blew through new utrecht which is under like a train pass and it's like you can't see if cars are coming or not and i was just like you know nothing happened thank goodness but now every time i go through a large intersection even if i have the green light i'm just like oh my god i'm gonna get hit by a car well that's good though i'm glad that happened to you and you didn't get hurt because now maybe you're more cautious and you won't get hurt by something that you know someone blowing a red light even when you have a green because you can't ever trust it just because it's green so maybe some good game of that but really a good
Starting point is 01:08:48 point noah i wanted to say to any person listening if you're in a car with someone and they take a risk that puts your life at danger they are bad they they don't love you yeah and it's not that they don't love you it's a personal thing they don't love themselves because they're risking their own life and you need to distance yourself from that person i'm serious and i'm talking to myself here too when i'm in a car with a man and he just driving erratically it is a it's the number one red flag of get out of that relationship because they do not value your life and they they need to be even if they don't value their own they should be driving safely with you because you are precious cargo and they love you so that's a good this is a good uh lesson that i need to be, even if they don't value their own, they should be driving safely with you because you are precious cargo
Starting point is 01:09:25 and they love you. So that's a good, this is a good lesson that I need to hear and I'm talking to you, girl. And anyone who said kuh when Noah said that at the same time Andrew and I did,
Starting point is 01:09:36 you are fully indoctrinated into the Nikki Glaser podcast. If your first response was kuh, I love you. I like a bad boy that, you know, goes zero to 60 in three seconds and makes my pussy throb.
Starting point is 01:09:46 You need to like yourself because girls are attracted to bad boys that treat you bad. Bad boys because you don't like yourself. And I know you're like, no, I do.
Starting point is 01:09:56 I beg to differ. And it's not, it's not bad that you don't like yourself. Let's do top moments in cars. All right. Can we do this fast, Andrew? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:10:03 I'll do mine fast too. Zero to 60. Yeah, baby. Fast and Furious coming out again number nine i think okay faster blow job in a car great oh wow grace which one which which one in high school i got a blow job i was a senior while the car was moving or stationary not only was it parked i didn't know like car i locked myself in there like someone kills a dog with the windows up yeah i didn't have the air conditioning on we fogged that bitch out yeah i did have the battery on because we were listening to backseat of that jeep or backseat of my jeep by l.l cool j and i just it's so like you know when you hook up and you play a hookup song in the place you're hooking up? Oh, cur.
Starting point is 01:10:46 It's not cur. No? That's just like, just do it. Backseat of my Jeep. Let's bring an episode. It's a little cur, but as long as you embrace it, it's not cur. It was fine. I didn't come.
Starting point is 01:10:54 It's a very fine line. And Rusty was involved in that one. Really? Because he came and knocked on the window. Man, he should have spit on your dick and lubed it up a little bit. Okay. spit on your dick and lubed it up a little bit okay my top story in a car is um one from this past weekend is just singing in a car with friends and the song is just right and everyone's enjoying the song in the same level it's not like a taylor show song i put on just for myself like everyone's
Starting point is 01:11:17 in i sang don't speak with ben glebe and carl alforster on the way back from the pacific uh from malibu we went to a class this weekend a Forrester on the way back from the Pacific, from Malibu. We went to a class this weekend, a dance class. And on the way back, Ben drove us back and we'd saying, don't speak. And I forgot how fucking great that song is,
Starting point is 01:11:35 how much anger there is in that song, how much hurt. Cause I used to sing that song when I was in seventh grade. And I remember really getting, nailing it back then. It's perfectly in my vocal range. And I just had this Renaissance with that song in the car. And I knew every little breath, every little tweak of her voice like i i nail it yeah it is now can you sing a little bit of it all right not too much you and me we used to be together
Starting point is 01:11:56 every day together always shit i can't no it's really good dude i'm closing my eyes yes i'm losing my best friend i can't believe this could be the end it looks okay so it's just like so good it's it's actually like i love that song there's a little like billy eilish like that in there but but she's still saying then losing losing i could do it if i practice it so um singing that and then the other one is real quick um oh fuck uh it was a good one it was a good one hold on um in high school me and my friends used to uh scream out of the window and like push our, like my friends would flash guys and I would just be in the cars and we would like play, pour some sugar on me and do like fake strip teases to be like fake.
Starting point is 01:12:52 We were trying to be, and just laughing with my friends. And then Kirsten and I went back to our old college as adults this past summer. And we were driving past college kids waiting in line to get in these like packed clubs during COVID. And we would drive past and go, mama's home.
Starting point is 01:13:07 Because she was driving her CRV. And we were just like confusing these kids at night. Like dressed in like mini skirts, college kids. And we go, mama's home. And just like old ladies. That was so fun. Noah, what's your top story in a car? Okay.
Starting point is 01:13:23 Well, top moment in a car would be anytime I have a it's like lame a dog in the back seat dog with his head out the window and me looking in the side mirror and like seeing how happy his like mouth and open and tongue wagging and stuff like that
Starting point is 01:13:39 cute I do love that there's nothing better than a dog with a head out the window it really is And their tongue And it's in the wind And they look like they're smiling Even though they're not because it's just their teeth are being pushed back You know it's like how skeletons are always smiling
Starting point is 01:13:54 People really liked that by the way When I said that early on in the podcast that skeletons are always smiling If you ever sad just picture that your skeleton is like And when you're dead and the maggots eat your flesh you'll be like yeah i love it i'm a skeleton in a grave and everyone's forgotten about me okay final thought let's just get let me just do one more part of the story but we're not going to finish it of the iheart awards so i get there the tent i'm back in the tent they go the presenter's tent is right here so you walk through this like you know uh drapery like you can't see who's in there i walk in there's like
Starting point is 01:14:30 bands warming up to like to go on i go who's those bands i don't even know who these people are who was that band it was like imagine dragons no it was 21 pilots oh yeah okay so that they were there uh the guy was really cute from ohio the everyone's just like nervous back there you just realize these so i walk in nelly is inside the the presenter's tent there's a there's a tv i wish i love i'm like a bird okay so no it's uh hey huh nelly nelly nelly i don't know wait what what nelly song is that it's every nelly song i'm going down down baby old street in the rain bro baby got ready to let it go jimmy shimmy cook a pop shimmy shimmy rye i know a biscuit a bit oh you just go to the children's song the lullaby so nelly's in there also is in there is uh joel
Starting point is 01:15:18 mckale and that wait no joel's not in there yet there was a band who was like kind of to me that they wouldn't even look at me and I'm dressed like gorgeously I'm obviously one of the celebrities there fucking talked I'm not a publicist they totally ignore me I'm trying to like be nice and like look at them only one of the guys in the band looked at me there are three singers I don't know who they are but I later on I filmed them
Starting point is 01:15:40 later on it was a band with three singers no they went out to present they went out to present and I took yeah it was like some indie group i took a video of them presenting because i was inside the room watching the tv and i i made commentary like they weren't very cool were they like alternative or were they like let's see um one second one second okay yeah they were um definitely here they are let's see them oh here it is oh i who are those guys i just shared a green room with these guys and 177 dates and i just released i'm gonna be honest uh neither of them looked at me even once. And I'm in a pretty stunning dress.
Starting point is 01:16:27 I don't know why that has to do with anything. I was very open to chatting in this desolate room. But they didn't say anything to me. I'm sure they're just nervous. And I'm taking it personally. Okay, so I'm sure they were nervous. And I was taking it personally. But they didn't.
Starting point is 01:16:41 They literally didn't make any eye contact with me. Even though I was trying to be nice and smile at them. Because we're all at this award show but anyway nelly is back there later on he comes back there and i was like i have talked to nelly in the lobby of the serious building a couple years ago when i saw him and i just went up to him and said i'm from st louis thank you for all you do for our community which is an insane thing to say but i was really nervous saw him this time i go nelly i'm from st louis my name is nikki laser i'm comedian he's like hey nice to meet you and we shake hands and i was like thank you seriously for making st louis
Starting point is 01:17:08 fucking cool and he was girl you're keeping that going i go i am but like i you started it man like you yeah you rapped about your mall that you love yeah the front neck down at the front neck don't know how to act it's i think it's like uh so then he was very nice to me and i go and i one time told you thank you for all you do for our community i made everyone laugh by telling that story in the room so everyone was like on board with me the makeup artists are in the back they're doing touch-ups and everyone was like then nelly kind of liked me he was drinking too so he was like in a better mood his publicist was there and like kind of getting a kick out of me so later on nelly comes up to me and he goes uh or we're sitting back there and I go uh so we're
Starting point is 01:17:45 talking about St. I don't even know what we're talking about and he goes um you want to like you want to like shoot something we want to make a video and I was like sure and he's like you want a picture or something and I was like yeah I do so I give his publicist my camera and then I just turn into like an interviewer I'm like I'm backstage here with Nelly um I'll play you the tape of what it is I send it to Andrew it's not great I was going to post it and I was like It's not wonderful but it's more me Just like kissing Nelly's ass but the last Part's really funny because oh wait
Starting point is 01:18:12 Sorry no yeah I saw that I saw that yeah I don't think I'm ever going to post it but This is the audio from it for Maybe My hand is around him Nelly is here I go is that Nelly in there I love Nelly so much as someone from St. Louis for our my hand is around him that's what he's known for and he goes congratulations to you you can barely hear him he goes congratulations to you And you're just so talented, and I'm so happy to be best friends with you now.
Starting point is 01:18:45 We're there. And he goes, congratulations to you. You can barely hear him. He goes, congratulations to you. Okay, okay. And you are still, you're also, like, setting the stage for, like, St. Louis. He gives me some accolades here that you can't really hear, but then listen to this part. So I'm like, okay. What was my name again?
Starting point is 01:19:04 I said, what's my name again I said what's my name again and he puts his hand on his head like oh no and I go well I can't believe you put him on the spot but then look at how much fun we have when he realizes this brought us together when I called him on it because then he laughs so hard
Starting point is 01:19:19 so when I go I I go, I go, what's my name again? And then he falls and I like get to hug him. And then the rest of the show, he goes, Nikki, have a good, he goes, good job out there.
Starting point is 01:19:37 Nikki. Like when I go to present, he's like, have fun out there. Nikki, like we're like buds. Now I go out there to present my award. I come out on stage. The guys that give that. So I come out out because these this three band named ajr who i love i
Starting point is 01:19:50 shot video of them meeting nelly secretly and i sent it to them all in their dms but none of them have seen it yet and i'm like i got blue check mark how are these boys not checking their messages and i go for you ajr really nice guys very cute all of them DM me if you're interested so I I don't even know their music at all but they were they were really nice to me and they're introducing me because they go what's your name and I was like Nikki and they're like we're actually introducing you I go it's Glazer GLAS like like a laser pointer so they
Starting point is 01:20:16 they go Nikki Glazer I come out I go those guys were super cool backstage the audience loves it little backstage thing and they were I was like I love those guys they were nice backstage backstage is a rapper? Little backstage. Yeah, he's little backstage is over there. That would be a great name.
Starting point is 01:20:31 So then Nelly, by the way, Usher has, this is for tomorrow when I cover the rest of the story. Usher has is hosting the show. He has a private band, like his own band on the side of the stage where there's like a lounge around it. Joel Gallen, who directed and produced this award show, did a fantastic job it was so cool to be in this like every presenter and famous person there was in this artist lounge surrounding
Starting point is 01:20:50 usher so during the commercial brace usher would serenade you with his live cool band and he was right there like two feet in front of you like you're just it's like a small lounge and then the audience was like full audience no how did they get usher to do something like i feel like that's below what usher should be doing are you kidding me usher was hosting it and then singing everything he wanted to say was it still on camera no he wanted to sing in commercial breaks he didn't have to it was all on camera when he was singing but he wanted to keep going because here's the big thing the takeaway guys live music and entertainment is going to be fucking bonkers this year because i noticed that every
Starting point is 01:21:25 single performer the weekend even he's at the iHeart awards he goes to accept his award after he opened the show later on he's accepting it and he goes i didn't want to stop playing i cannot believe how much how excited this makes me to perform usher what leads us into the story that i really want to tell is usher kept the party going after the camera stopped, which is absurd to finish a two and a half hour show and then want to keep playing because it was a live crowd, not socially distant. People were just stoked.
Starting point is 01:21:53 So I'll just say this part. So I go, those, I go, come on to present. How did the presentation go? What? How did the,
Starting point is 01:21:59 did the joke hit? Yeah, it was fine. I stumbled pretty hard out of the gate, which is another thing. Noah, let me just quickly get through this. I'm going to go fire so i come out the ajr introduced me i go i
Starting point is 01:22:08 love those guys they were nice to be backstage then nelly goes go nicky or says something to me from across the stage i mean this is like hundreds of feet away from where usher is sitting and machine gun kelly and megan fox he's like yeah nicky because i had the report and i go i love you nelly the crowd fucking loved it they're on my side eating out of the palm of my hand i'm feeling really loose so i just go into the bit like I would do stand up forgetting there's a teleprompter with the bit in it and then I kind of stumble yeah I stumble I forget my premise and then I instead of freaking out because I stumbled which is like something I would normally do would be like you already fucked it up you wanted to come out and just nail it not have a single stumble
Starting point is 01:22:41 I just was like make the best of the rest of it because you stumbled but now you can start over and be way better than you would have if you didn't stumble like you could start again begin again so I stumbled and I go I was like you know what I'm looking like listening for and I then I decided to do it like I was talking to my friends and trying to articulate something so I just knew the joke in my head. And I go, how would you tell this to your friends? How would you articulate this? And I go, when you're looking for new music, when you're looking for good music to listen to, it's a lot like, and then I did the joke just from my memory instead of reading it.
Starting point is 01:23:14 And then it hit, hit, hit. All the jokes hit. It was fine. Later on, they chopped my, they made it seem like I said John Mayer was in my phone, not John Mayer's second cousin, Rodney's roommate. And they just did. And then I had to write to them and be like, can you include the rest of it
Starting point is 01:23:29 so it doesn't look like I'm saying that John Mayer's in my phone even though he is? Maybe they took it out because of Rodney King. No, no. I don't know how woke people are. John Mayer's second cousin, Rodney? I could just see. Rodney's a name.
Starting point is 01:23:40 What are you talking about? No, that is, sorry, that's ridiculous. But I mean, i guess cancel culture could go there anyway nelly gave me a shout out i stumbled over my line i had a great night despite stumbling and feeling like i really didn't do well because when i got off stage no one said good job i'm waiting for good jobs everyone's running around they didn't even see it maybe but then i'm thinking the people that did see it they're not saying good job i'm feeling in my head and then the rest of the night i decided to fucking let that go even if i bombed and i'm never invited back have the time of my life and i will get into
Starting point is 01:24:08 that story at the top of the show tomorrow on the nikki laser podcast thank you so much for listening today what a fucking fun show foreshadowing fashion eggs fashion eggs all over you guys thank you for listening thank you for adopting into your life thank you for telling your friends about the show tell them that they can jump in at any time they'll they'll learn the inside jokes quickly they i want them at our group of friends let's let's let's build this group of friends because you guys are seriously i feel as close to me as my busties and i love you and uh any last words oh my god i gotta talk about this okay i was like what all right guys uh was just joking, but we will get into everything, including his teeth. Find out in between stories on the news tomorrow.
Starting point is 01:24:51 All right. See you tomorrow. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel.
Starting point is 01:25:11 And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Starting point is 01:25:37 Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove.
Starting point is 01:26:19 Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Starting point is 01:26:59 What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app,
Starting point is 01:27:30 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production
Starting point is 01:28:03 in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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