The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #41 Cliff Glaser!
Episode Date: June 1, 2021Nikki is interlacing stories from her iHeart Radio Awards experience through the episode. The outfits her stylists gave her for the awards show and one she wore to lunch with David Spade, running joke...s with Joel McHale, arriving with Gleb Savchenko and bonding with Nelly. Andrew talks about having a full suburban day. In the headlines he let's Nikki know what people are doing on the job, what people should not be doing on TikTok and they talk about the "Rachel". The Top 1 Bottom 1 segment has stories about being in cars and Nikki leaves the Final Thought with a to be continued... Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove.
Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.
Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season.
But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.
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What if you asked
two different people the same set of questions?
Even if the questions are the same,
our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.
I'm Minnie Driver,
and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast,
and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season.
We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,
including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.
Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app,
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You are cordially invited to...
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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, miss doing the show um thank you so much to all of our listeners i didn't know i could feel so connected to fans as i do on this show and it's just the best i finally feel what taylor swift
feels for her fans and like literally every artist that goes i have the best fans and i don't know if
you guys are the best let me just say that because i don't know every fan base so that's a ridiculous statement to make I'm not one of the I don't like to do that
when people are like it's the best sushi restaurant in town and I go have you been to every single one
let's just change it to the best one I've been to how about that then we're more honest and we don't
um we don't get ourselves into trouble when someone's like well what about this place and
you can be like and then you have to lie and be like i have been there and and then you haven't i've been in
that lie so many times where you like make a statement and then someone goes well did you
see this movie and i'm like yeah it wasn't as good as his other ones you know like that's the
best blah blah film and i just like lie to support it even though i don't need to because i just
don't want to i know enough about that film to get by and pretend i've seen it a while ago and forgot details but really i just saw the trailer
um okay lots to cover on the show today fast talking glaze is here to get through it all
um noah hi i've got the bullet okay i need you to like tell me what i've promised to
to describe because the enthusiasm for these stories
has waned just slightly but it's coming back up as i remember and when i tell them i will be back
in it again but i mean i i think this was an incredible night it happened to me so i you know
i'm a little bit biased but uh i do feel the need to tell everyone about this i will say though that people aren't as
impressed as i thought they would be by this whole thing uh because to me it was the if you know me
you know how uh terrifying this all was but let's let's get into it so i got asked to host you guys
heard me get the text on air yeah last thursday it was last Thursday's show or two Thursdays ago,
um,
to,
uh,
present at the I heart radio awards,
um,
which is a fucking big deal.
Like I made a joke when I was on the red carpet that Elton John was being,
um,
honored for his,
uh,
what did I say for his performance or his um i said for his music but
i said something about for his perform performance or his portrayal or i said the wrong word like
acting and i go well he will be acting tonight when he acts you know uh honored to receive an
i heart radio award and i thought i like slammed the show but then it was really like a touching tribute and he was touched um it was wild oh my god okay so many things to
say so no where should I start okay uh if first of all your outfit I loved it so much thank you
it was all my stylist Danny and Emma who like I've been working with
since 2013 when I met Danny um at MTV and they dressed me like um you know a pop star they dress
a lot of pop stars they dress um Olivia Rodrigo um so many girls Ava Max uh they just whenever I
go on their Instagram it's just like
all pop stars and um really really they just have the best style of anyone and the fact that I'm
working with them is totally just coincidental because of my connection to Danny otherwise
I would not have found these girls I would have thought you know they are too they they create
looks for people who are cooler than I am
and I so often I have to be like guys I can't I tell jokes for a living I can't wear this um
and then they convince me that I should because they're like if you wear this dress this is the
kind of thing that like Versace will see you in and be like I need her to wear a dress because you have like a really good figure for dresses. Like, you know, I, I, um, I found freedom from my body dysmorphia from my body issues and
from my compulsive eating. And so in the past year, it feels really good to be the size that
I am because I know it's where my body wants to be and I don't feel this like guilt about being a thin woman or this uh anger that I'm not a little bit thinner you know I'm not like
I've seen where the the dresses I wear I see the runway version and it's a girl who's four sizes
smaller than me which I already feel like a girl whose four size is too small sometimes because
as much as I can feel terrible when I
feel overweight, there's times where I feel really bad when I'm just skinny and go, do I deserve to
be? And people are people going to think I'm doing sneaky things to get this. But anyway,
I felt really good in this dress. I tried it on first. It was like a I felt like Ariel green
has a slit on the side has like a cut out on the side cut out on the other like it was just
like gorgeous and sequined and green and beautiful and I just loved it it was the first thing I tried
on out of like 20 things that I tried on that they brought to my hotel room and um and then
there was another outfit that I was like whoa this is killer too and they were like well it's a cool
street fashion look and I go yeah i guess but
and they go we actually know a photographer like a pop guy paparazzo kind of guy but really more
of a street photographer who like you know takes pictures of women going out or like our clients
going out on the street and you think these are just like oh she's just walking into lunch but
it's really like an organized thing.
So I go,
all right,
well,
I'm going to dinner with David Spade tomorrow.
Do you want to send your guy?
And I'll wear this to go to dinner.
So I called up David.
I'm like,
we got to go somewhere nice and you have to dress up.
Cause I am going to be dressed like,
honestly,
I'm good.
It's,
it was like a dress that I felt like Kesha at the 2003 VMAs.
Like that's how I was dressed,
but it looked awesome because early 2000s is so good.
The pink one.
Thank you.
I posted it yesterday.
Yeah.
It was so fun.
But then I got in the restaurant and I felt actually I had to give myself a
pep talk before I went out to dinner because I was going to Nobu and yeah,
it's like a really celeb,
cool centric place.
Paris Hilton was there, let photograph there last night. I was like, Oh like oh my god I was like it's the first time I'm going there David just likes
it because we went we go really early because he likes to eat dinner at like five o'clock and so
we were like the only ones there we sat in the back and like it was I just I felt ridiculous
wearing that outfit because I do not go to dinner with friends in outfits like that and I had to do
sets right after that so I had to change in Dave's car because he drove me to my set and I was like
do you mind if I just like change because I can't go on stage like this it's just too much but we
got I got a photograph walking in which was so I mean okay so I'm not even getting the VMAs because
this story is pretty good so I go I say to Dave i was like i'm i'm staying pretty east in hollywood
he's coming from the west side we're meeting like halfway but between us and i go can you
scoop me up before i go before we go to dinner and he was like where are you staying he's like
oh it's kind of a trek do you mind taking an uber and then i'll pick you up and i was like perfect
he was like meet me at the comedy store it was near where nobu so on my way there i go dave i'm not getting out i'm not being dressed
like this at the comedy store it's too embarrassing like i really i i don't dress like this i feel
like i'm just doing this for my stylist to like because they they believe in me and i want to
believe in myself and i really was like i have to do for them. And it wasn't doing it for them.
It was like doing it for me too,
because I don't do things just to make other people happy.
I really like knew that this was best for me
because I did look great.
And it was an awesome opportunity to wear these outfits
that were really expensive that were being lent to me.
Like, you know, it's cool.
There's no reason not to.
The only reason not to is that I think
that people will think I'm kuh.
And the thing is, I don't think I'm kuh.'m so that's the truth and I'm allowed to play dress up so I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror before I left
because the night before I had been at the I heart radio awards and I saw machine gun Kelly and Megan
Fox there and Megan Fox was dressed like you know class, classically beautiful, hot pink dress. It was like a pink almost jumpsuit, I think.
Whatever it was, it was gorgeous and not over the top, not like making a statement.
But Machine Gun Kelly's wearing, you know, nail polish, long nails.
They painted their tongues black last week for some award show.
Like they put in so much effort and everyone thinks they're cool.
And I think Machine Gun Kelly is the coolest person alive.
So I and Harry Styles, when he wears a dress, no one goes, oh, he's trying they're cool. And I think Machine Gun Kelly is the coolest person alive. So I, and Harry Styles, when he wears a dress,
no one goes, oh, he's trying to be cool.
He just wanted to wear a fucking dress.
So I talked to myself in the mirror and I was like,
you're cool, you're allowed to play dress up,
you're allowed to feel pretty,
you're allowed to wear a ridiculously short,
pink, flowy blazer slash dress
that you don't know what it is
that might unbutton in the wind because you
are not you just want to have fun and you're not doing this to get people to like you more you're
doing it because you have an opportunity to wear something fun and it's and the only reason you
wouldn't do it is because you are you're because you want people to think i don't have fun so
if you ever do not do something because
you're like I think people are gonna think I'm which now we all know what we've been thinking
that feeling forever but we just never had a word for it Noah said the other day I don't know what
I used before like truly what the hell did we say like sweet I know Max Boehringer used to be like
oh he thinks he's sweet and I'm yeah, that still has the same connotation,
but I just am always avoiding people thinking I'm K.
And really I'm thinking about two girls on Instagram that might make fun of me to each other in a text thread.
That's really what it boils down to.
So I go and I go, Dave, don't meet,
I can't do a comedy store.
So I go to Katana,
which is literally a hundred feet
away from comedy store because I'm just too scared of comics seeing me and being like was that Nikki
and I have to wait on the street it's all very embarrassing so I go to Katana because it has a
little um it's a really nice restaurant and out front they have like the maitre d uh the host
stand on the kind of like outside you know and I'm standing there and he's like good evening ma'am
and I go oh I'm not dining here I'm just waiting for my friend to pick me up I'm sorry I feel
really ridiculous in this outfit can I just like kind of stand to the side because this is Sunset
Boulevard uh you know 6 p.m traffic is whizzing by it's bright as hell outside I'm in this pink
outfit with like these disco ball earrings and a just it's just I feel ridiculous even though I gave myself the pep talk
then Dave's running late and I'm like god damn it but fine you know what confidence so I'm standing
there and he was like and then his boss comes over this girl and she starts sorting like menus
and she goes hi ma'am and he goes she's not eating here and I go I'm just standing here waiting for
a friend I'm really sorry I didn't mean to make it look like I was I've been I was just like nice you know and she kind of just won't even say
anything to me you know doesn't go oh it's okay or anything she just like sniffs and then she kind
of sits like moves over to work on something else near the host stand and the man's still standing
there and because his boss is there and he's all scared, he goes, ma'am, you can't stand here.
Meanwhile, there's no crowd.
This is way before they even get a crowd.
It's there's no.
And he goes, you can stand over here, which he points me to the sidewalk, which is a sidewalk that's been made because there's construction on the street, you know, and so they kind
of veer into the traffic to make like a fake sidewalk.
So it's barricaded, but it's like on the street.
And I go, dude, I really look at how i'm dressed
can i not stand there i'm trying to be a little conspicuous and he goes you could stand right
over here then he points right next to the other side and it's a active garage driveway there's no
sidewalk so he gives me no options and i go cool okay i go fine kind of under my breath not as
brazen as that and i go on my phone like in the sidewalk area.
And I'm just like this fucking guy can't let me stand in front of the host stand when no
one is here.
And you are a host at Katana, you dumb 50 year old man who hates your life and is just
mad at me for I don't even know what because I made you look stupid in front of your younger
woman boss.
So then Dave pulls up and I get in to his car and uh it's
like i have to walk by the host stand and walk past that little garage away and then i'm like
dave i fucking hate that guy so much and i'm looking at the guy through dave's window and i
wish his window would have been down because i was just like i hate i go okay and i'm like you
know making really in the guy's locking eyes with me so he can see my aggression and i go yeah you thought i was a fucking prostitute and then guess what i get
into a car with david spade so now you definitely think i'm a prostitute and uh as i'm saying i'm
like well so now it's even more likely dave liked it No, he doesn't need to get prostitutes.
He does well.
But no judgment for any man who do.
And no judgment on any escorts.
And I would love if someone said that I look like an escort.
And I did.
Gotta get to Andrew.
We'll get into more details about the show.
I want Andrew, because I haven't really got...
Andrew didn't even really ask me about it yesterday.
I haven't told anyone back home all the details of the iHeartRadio Awards, which are also wild.
Let's get into that with Andrew.
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Good morning, Andrew.
How was the awards?
Dude, that's so funny.
Off air, I just was like,
will you ask me about the awards?
And he's, that was great.
Good segue.
Such a good segue.
Wait, how did you sleep?
Because I truly don't ask you every morning
when I eat breakfast in front of you.
I like bite my tongue to not say, how are you?
How did you sleep?
But how did you sleep?
I slept good.
We had a good...
I had a great day yesterday.
Amazing Sunday.
Yeah.
You know, you go on a...
Well, I wasn't here.
So let's start with that.
That really made it.
I mean, it starts then.
And then it works.
Trust me.
I was counting down the minutes for when you got back.
I know you wrote me, when are you back today?
And I was like, what is going on back home?
I go.
Whenever I write those things to you, I hope, like, sometimes I feel like you will read
too far into it.
Like, oh, he must be having a kegger at the house, and EJ's over going down on some random
girl,
you know?
No,
my dad doesn't need pussy.
No,
I'm sure he does.
I mean,
actually I don't want to speculate either way.
It grosses me out.
So I'll just stick with,
no,
he doesn't.
But then my mom will be sad.
I'm sure he says babe before.
I don't,
when you asked me,
I just figured you always offer to pick me up at the airport and stuff.
And I always have car services,
but that's what I thought it was.
And I thought like,
you know, if I was going to be out with my girlfriend all day and stuff and maybe banging in the living room, like, I might want to know.
I wouldn't.
I think it's, like, you think it's sex-related.
I might think it's sex-related.
And I do.
And it should be.
I mean, the day was great.
Listen to the day.
Woke up, did a workout class.
Fantastic.
Went and got food from revel
which is like a healthy bowl place ate that out of her place showered got coffee from starbucks
went to the zoo zoo was too crowded so we went back to the house got lime scooters rode around
went to the golf range hit golf balls got back here got chicken salad three different kinds on
the way home ate the chicken salad went back to her place watch princess bride i slept for two hours then we had sex for 35 minutes we both came and then watched
a little bit of master of none and then i came back here and watched bo burnham with you whoa
what a perfect day i mean that's a great day i'm not being facetious oh my god that's a very simple
suburban life day but boy is it a great day. It's a very simple suburban life day, but boy, is it a great day.
No, it has all the elements that you want.
Food, sex, tanning.
Golf.
Golf.
Laundry.
Tan.
I'm just trying to make it Jersey Shore.
And gym.
It was all the...
And gym.
Oh, no laundry.
How's your hammy?
Hammy's good.
Yeah?
I'm back.
I'm back.
I went to the gym this morning.
100% you think?
I'm at 87
which is a normal guys you know uh 200 i take that grade hey every day 87 i was happy oh
an 86 i would be like i could do better 87 i'm like b plus let's bump it up it's good when you
got an 89 that's an a that's an a 88 is probably the best feeling i ever had because i'm not kidding
you 88 because 89 you go i could have gotten a 90 but in in the 90 feels like shit because you're
the low hey this is exactly what i say to people turning 30 or 40 yeah um you're the youngest of
your like age so when people go on 30 i'm 40 bo burnham i'm turning 30 You're the youngest
30 year old
You just went from
Being the oldest
29 year old
20 year old
Not relating to anyone
Now you're the youngest
Do you have this feeling
At all
Did you feel like
When you got out of college
I know you went right
Into stand up
So you didn't
I was already in stand up
Bo Bo
Yeah you were in stand up
I jumped into it hard
Yeah
My point being is that
In my 20s i swear to
god when i was 24 i felt older than i do now and i know that sounds crazy at 41 because i thought
it's time to be an adult like you've been told your whole life like at this age you're an adult
so it's time to be an adult and you got to do adult things and you got to be an adult adult
adult and then i feel like i relate to that of just turning 28 and being like it's so old like i relate the way i process it as like the age and
going like oh my god it's so old and now that i'm about to turn 37 it's just like yeah who cares
like that's a great age i think that's like a hot age i have never felt better in my life
yes the skin is falling off my skull um wait it is yeah like my facial
skin is sagging there's no way to to stop it uh there are ways i just don't have any interest in
doing it i am getting older i will look so like it's so weird to me when someone is like
like would lie to you look younger it's like well that's impossible like just we it's okay to age
i am older thing you know yeah you are when people go like i that's impossible like just we it's okay to age i am older you know
yeah you are when people go like i haven't seen you in a while you look different i should i've
aged yeah it's a thing that everyone must go through and you don't have to tell me well you
look you look younger now no one's ever told me i look young from age and i don't want anyone to
start because the only reason you would is because i said that no one's ever told me it but no one's
ever told me that and i'm okay with that i would like to look my age
sometimes i look a little bit older one time on dancing with the stars i've said this before
probably but uh demarcus where said how old are you and i was like 30 40 goes no and i go yeah
he goes no way and i go yeah he goes oh my god really I could have sworn you were 32 what what is the difference
the difference is an 86 to an 88 that is the difference you're so right but like I was
expecting like oh my god he thought I was 25 okay Noah just wrote down awards okay Noah we'll get to
it I mean we don't have much time I just want to hear the story get off our back I've been waiting
why don't you ask me specifically I tried not texting you this weekend because I wanted to save it all for the show.
You're not going to get it.
You're going to have to wait until the final thought, and we probably won't even get to it then.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's obviously, wait, let's start with the awards.
Let's start with the date.
Like, you went out of your comfort zone.
You go, hey, I want a date for the awards.
I don't know if I want a date.
That was in my comfort zone.
I don't understand why everyone doesn't get a date to these awards people go to award shows
all the time alone like joel mckayle i ran into him at the awards he's there alone i go
bring a friend get your friends some publicity because they'll do whatever you want like when
you're a presenter they give you whatever you want so if you go hey i want to bring my friend
tony who's on while and out and wants some pictures that is like a new comic.
Then Tony gets some pictures on Getty.
It helps his thing.
So I invited Gleb.
Like usually it's either your mom
or someone you gotta be fucking.
Like there's no in between.
No, it's publicists.
Mom's Oscars, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm talking about I Heart Awards where it's just like.
No, no, I know.
I'm just saying, no, usually like people think
like I can only bring my mom or someone.
Oh,
right,
right,
right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's not,
you can bring someone in between like a Gleb.
Yeah.
And people can speculate that you're fucking,
even though we're not,
you know,
like it's,
let's drum up some,
uh,
curiosity about people.
And Gleb,
uh,
is an amazing talent beyond his dancing on dancing with the stars.
And I just like having him around
he makes me funnier he's funny to comment on when i do interviews so we got there he's a himbo
uh like a bimbo yeah male male no he's not a bimbo he's so smart he's not a bimbo i want to
make him that because he's so hot but he's i've really gotten to know him i love glub so much
he's like honestly one of my i would
put him up on a like nearing a top shelf best friend damn it's weird we've really like i like
that and it wasn't that way when we were partners on dancing with the stars it's weird when you
spend a friendship dancing seven hours a day it doesn't really develop into anything as special
as it does when you just spend time together not doing something that you're terrible at and one person resents you for being terrible at so um we we he comes to the w hotel i do glam all day it
was so fun i got um not all day but i i got uh these two uh makeup artists and a hairstylist
that were just like so fun the and i was just a little chatterbox and we were talking all about
like who i might see there tonight and like how i'm feeling about everything it was just a little chatterbox and we were talking all about who I might see there tonight
and how I'm feeling about everything.
It was just so fun.
And then I was smoking weed too
while I'm having it done
even though I shouldn't have been.
But I was like,
I just have to say a couple lines
on the teleprompter, not a big deal.
And we were just having a blast.
And then I get dressed for it
and I'm like, oh shit,
I have to go do this.
I thought the party was over.
I had so much fun getting ready i am spray tanned within an inch of my life like i've uh i just go
in the shower and she just douses me with sally hansen's spray tan because my spray tan wasn't
dark enough that i got the night before um and i'm just standing there naked are you ever worried
that you'll go too dark no okay no i've not literally never been too dark it's it has been
really the worst was uh the degenerates and i look amazing yeah and that's the darkest like i could
ever have been like you can't do worse than that um i've tried and uh my skin does not absorb it
as well so i went to the spray tan lady before which she only did two passes on me for the mtv
awards and i was pissed
off because it wasn't dark enough and so i had to do sally hansen which is stuff you just spray on
it washes off in the shower next to it yes the next day but then this time i go i need three
passes and she goes three that's too much and i was like i promise you and then three was not
enough so who's right so seven i get dressed uh glubb meets me downstairs we go down there um we take some pictures we get
in the car we go over there and um we're a little the show is about to start in like 10 minutes and
it's ariana grande in the weekend opening the show and we're at the dolby in like the you know
outside the theater like inside but like you know then there's a red carpet inside paparazzi
or no we roll up in the garage and there's just people giving you your lanyard
and directing you upstairs.
And then there's like a red carpet little setup
and it's inside.
This is all like,
imagine you're going to like an AMC theater.
It's like all in the carpeted part
outside the movie theater.
That's what it looks like exactly.
And it has like a little red carpet
with a step and repeat,
which is the thing that has all the logos
on the back that you step
and then you smile.
You step down, you smile.
That's pretty much the red carpet thing. It's called step and repeat, just the thing that has all the logos on the back that you step and then you smile you step down you smile that's pretty much the red carpet thing it's called step and repeat just for
insider info I didn't know it until I got in the biz and so I go uh I take some pictures and then
I go do some interviews that were wildly chaotic like I just I felt so awkward being in this dress
and being amongst all these and and kind of when I walked in at the garage like everyone's dressed
in like normal plain clothes because they're like working there and they just all like looked at me like in
a way that i was just like i felt like they're like what is she wearing i just felt like i didn't
give myself enough of a pep talk i was suddenly alone from the stylists who were going like
die i'm dead from your your dad you know like all those yeah it goes from so much like laughter to just
it's quiet in a garage in a garage you never feel hot in a garage no you don't you feel like
you're like where's my car yes where's my car let me get home because i yeah someone's gonna
rape me yeah it's not like hot yeah when i was with club i wish so i go and um do this erratic
interview with a girl from et who i had interviewed with on at the mtv awards a
couple weeks before and i was like hi i've never met you she goes i interviewed you last week and
i was like oh my god you're amazing we had a really good rapport like i'm getting to know
these entertainment reporters and like having fun and saying wild things that make them go
like look in the camera like well i don't know what to say to that you know like that's all my
that's everything reporters say to me even though i try to keep it like pg so then i go over
to um where they're taking pictures and glubb is like impatient because he's like we're going to
miss like weekend and i'm like you're here because i'm here and i also i do want to see ariana grande
so we're going to hurry up but i want to get pictures so we go over and get pictures there's
a guy a bespeckled man standing at the pictures and i thought he was someone that I used to have romantic
connections with that I thought I was going to say this thing
and be like oh god I have to see this person
and like kind of be like hey
you know he looked identical
when I say identical
no way this person
if he was in a contest for how to look
like this person he would have won among
thousands of people it was wild
so I kind of go I see him from 10 feet or you know 20 feet and i kind of go like kind of scrunch my face like hi
we're gonna see each other now this is the way life is you know then i walk closer and i kind
of get even more like like i lift up an arm kind of doing the like wave of like oh this is weird
but we gotta do it and he goes nikki and i was like oh he's talking to me and I go oh my god
Joel
it's Joel McHale
who looks so much different
he looks younger
did he have glasses on
he had glasses on
okay
and I go Joel
you totally threw me
and Joel was like
so excited that I was there
I was so excited
Joel was there
because we were the only comedians
in this really pop star heavy event
because there aren't comedians
at this thing
this is like going to the Grammys
as a comic it's like what am I here for so even though uh comics are often you know
nominated for grammys at this i heard awards it's all just music so i take some joel is i'm so glad
joel is there fuck because joel mckayla and i have done a lot of these like even though you thought
he was someone else oh my god i'm so that's so funny to me that it was actually someone you knew like i've
had that moment i was at oh yeah the bowling alley the other day i thought this girl was my buddy's
girlfriend so i was gonna run up and like grab her never do that oh anyways but i've never met
the other girl you yeah you know joel well yes i know the magic of hollywood anyways it was it was
like such a gift and i'm in glad was there and joel's like who is this guy and i was like it's
my dancing with the stars party he goes oh my god what the hell and i go i know right it's like
it has that effect on men yes he does he was just the thing is bringing glab around makes me more
desirable not not be to joel but like to everyone because they're like what this guy is with her
of course well it's i mean i said of course a little strong there. No, it's true.
If you have a hot arm candy,
a 32 year old like yourself.
But if,
if club weren't as amazing as he is good looking,
um,
well,
I'd be lying if I said that he was,
but he,
I mean,
it's just,
it's no one has as good a personality as gloves looks are,
but he does.
He's up there for it.
So then,
okay.
So I,
I,
I take some pictures. Glub dips me on the red carpet
without telling me thank god i i nailed the pose because he sent it to me later i go it looks like
i'm falling and you're catching me he goes no nikki that's actually really good like where was
this and i was like oh thank you he goes what should i write for caption this is the next day
and i go i don't know and he's like i don't know what to put for caption that was like
glubs you can say something like a little bit mean about us getting voted off but like
you should write something nice because
if you feel that that was a good pose you should
write that I would like you to say that not just make fun of me
and he was like so he came up with a good one my
legs kicked out and he was like good thing there was six feet
social distancing on the red carpet I go
Gleb who wrote that for you and he goes
I wrote myself I was like you're funny Gleb
Gleb he is funny
he shocks me because he's always like,
teach me how you are so natural and funny.
And like, I go, Gleb, you got it.
Just say everything you, like, just be yourself.
I'm teaching Gleb how to be like, not as like,
because when they get, when these people and dancers
and different singers and stuff that are used to performing
in other ways, get a microphone in their hand
and are asked to talk on these shows.
And it's their second language. shows and it's their second language exactly it's their second language it's hard to be
not robotic and like just like i'm very happy to be here and boring and i'm like glenn you're not
boring just talk honestly you're not going to say something racist well you might because he's
russian and it's like you know sometimes doesn't translate but just trust that just be yourself
because he got up from the table later on when we were going out to dinner after the awards
and i go uh he goes i'm going to go to the bathroom.
And he winked at me just like jokingly, like it's sexy.
And he goes, I don't know why I just did that.
Why did I wink?
And I go, because that was funny, Glab.
That's hilarious.
I go, do, be that.
Whatever that is, be that always.
It's like a computer malfunctioning.
He was so cute.
He's like, I don't know.
He was embarrassed he did it because it was funny.
And then he was like, I didn't laugh out loud.
I feel like a Russian when you're like six, it's time to be an adult.
You know how we felt at 24?
You're right.
It's time to clean the donkey.
And they're like, what?
I don't want to clean the donkey.
I just want to have fun.
You have to when you're six.
Yeah.
And then you're like, I'm a donkey cleaner now.
In Russia, there's only two things that are unavoidable.
Death and cleaning donkeys.
It's like taxes to Americans.
Well, that is the taxes
you have to clean 90 depends how much money you make is this racist probably okay so i have one
minute but we'll we'll smatter in details throughout the show i like that idea so i'm sorry i feel like
all of this is pertinent and interesting so then we get done taking pictures and i go up to joel
because he's kind of lingering he after he got with his interviews. And I go and Glab is like tugging on my arm like, mommy, mommy, let's go watch Ariana.
I can hear I can hear the weekend like save your tears for another day.
And I'm like, fuck, we're missing it.
But you know what?
I need to run my bit by Joel McHale because I wrote Connor McSpadden, a writer that I hired for the MTV Movie and TV Awards Unscripted.
Always out of breath when I say that
He is one of my favorite writers
He also wrote the joke when I did the roast of
Some roast I think it was Bruce Willis
I said to Joseph Gordon-Levitt who was the MC
It was my first joke of the night
He introduces me Joseph Gordon-Levitt walks away
And I go look Joseph Gordon-Levitt
I love you you're like so hot but like
Adorable I bet you
I bet you cut the crust off of pussy before you eat it.
It was,
and Connor wrote that joke.
That's a great joke.
Which like I get complimented on a lot.
So Connor McSpadden is,
Uncrustables.
He's amazing.
He looks like a machine gun Kelly and Conan O'Brien together.
Yes.
And he's young and he's just amazing.
So Connor wrote,
so I get this,
uh,
uh,
last week I get my category.
I'm presenting best new artists.
And, or all the best new artists in every category.
I'm presenting the whole bunch of them
that cuts to a video and reveals all the winners.
And Connor wrote me a thing that was like,
you know, when I'm going through my,
finding a new, finding a good artist to listen to
is like going through my phone
and looking for a guy to text. The old ones are always the ones that are easiest to go to but the new ones that
get me most excited so i rewrote that into this like funnier thing just because connor had a bunch
of shit to write and it's funny because i wrote to connor i was like can you punch up this this
thing because i didn't know he was writing he goes i wrote that i was like oh fuck he's like
i'm not offended i don't care and so i rewrote it i said it to joel mckay i go joel i'm really nervous because i haven't been able to run this you know i went did sets the night
before but i couldn't be like hey guys can you let me run my best new artist intro like i could
have but i just i didn't um so i ran it to joel and he's like oh fuck that's funnier than mine i
was like look do yours and i was like no it's not we're they're equally funny it's hard to be funny
at these things so So we feel better.
We go backstage and there's like,
I get Gleb to go in the audience
and then they put me in like a tent for presenters.
And that is where I will leave the story
because we have to get to the news.
Oh, cliffhanger.
Oh, cliffhanger.
Cliff Glazer.
Cliff Glazer.
Cliff bar.
Grab your cliff bars.
Mesothemia or whatever.
What's it called?
Mesothelioma?
No, the when you...
Oh, misophonia.
Because people go, you said, don't do that chomping sound.
And then you started eating five minutes later.
I know.
I'm such a hypocrite.
No, it's hilarious.
I love it.
I love this show because I get to be myself.
And then people can go.
Someone wrote to me about another thing that I did that really upset them.
And really made them.
They like me.
And they trust me.
And they rely on me for entertainment.
And I said something that was really hurtful to them.
When they applied it to their own life.
And she explained it.
And again, I totally was like like I have never considered this perspective when sometimes when
I talk I don't consider everyone's perspective and what they're bringing to it and I apologize
because although I felt like I was probably correct in my assumptions of what I was saying
it I don't know everything and i'm only applying it
to my experience and projecting a lot and so then we had this great interaction and she was and she
came at it like it was so nice because she goes the last time this happened with someone you
shared it um when the wart thing when i someone wrote to me about like you're taking like you're
taking pleasure in people's warts when we are like don't have enough money to get them cut out of our
foot like in pain and it just seems like you're not acknowledging like this is a you know uh you know
elitist kind of attitude towards like medical things and it's true because people are haunted
by their warts anyway this girl wrote a really nice thing i don't want to get into details but
shout out to you and shout out to anyone who wants to write me a dm i might not see it but if you want
to compassionately come at something I say and challenge it
and give a perspective that I hadn't considered,
I love that because I want to be empathetic
and understand other people's feelings
because it's hard to be empathetic.
You have to work at it
and you have to let in other people's perspectives
even if you might have hurt their feelings,
which is a really hard thing to address in yourself.
I didn't used to be so good at it,
and sometimes I'm still not.
And compassionately come is a great phrase.
What did I say?
No, you just said it.
If you want to compassionately come and...
Oh, yeah.
Man, that's my new search words on porn.
That is so sexy.
Okay, first story.
It is sexy.
This story is sexy.
Sharing a love seat with you and i feel
like it's getting loving soaked yeah it's more like a fuck chair oh i guess boys don't get wet
i get wet you do yeah you get premature jacks oh premature attacks is so much funnier than pre-cum
oh i taste your premature jacks apple jack jacks. All right. First story.
I hope you're having fun out there and having all the swells.
Okay.
So a new study shows that people working from home are having sex, dating, taking naps,
and doing side hustles on company time.
All right.
Here's a little stats.
During working hours, 42% have been on a date.
41% have had sex.
Almost half have said they've had an alcoholic drink.
Almost 60% have taken a nap.
An overwhelming 77% say that they shop online.
Around 50% of the respondents have worked for another company while on the clock with the other employer.
Despite 76% of respondents spending more than four hours each day focused on work,
40% of participants say they spend four more hours
away from their computer.
What does this tell you?
This tells me that that's what they were doing before.
People would go into the office
and put in an eight-hour day
and get four hours of work done at the most.
I would say it's more like an hour
of real actual work and good.
I mean, we should incorporate these things
into our working lives i think like working
for eight hours straight is an insane thing and taking one lunch hour break and thinking that in
between that you're not going to socialize and flirt like at work you flirt it might as well be
a date at work you go into the fucking copy room and bang on the yeah people are getting hammered
i went and got a haircut people get hammered i got a haircut at that union bar replace and they all drink there's like a bar and they're like i was
like i don't want you to fucking get hammered just cut my hair and let me get the fuck out of here
fucking jeff wait the people working there were yeah they were getting hammered no that's not
all right and that explains everything oh shit did they fuck up that's for one yeah that's the
new field sobriety test it's just you give a cop a haircut
and you go oh does it look like what andrews does right now no it's a great cut it's a great cut
they did a pretty good job they should drink more but yeah so yeah no i i agree with everything
you're saying but people do drink at work they do have sex sometimes on the roof i've had that
someone write me that they fuck in the stairwell yeah that's been happening i've had sex at work
i think that this is,
I love this.
I think we work too much.
So what do you think a work day should be?
Like for a regular,
but this is the problem.
You give them six hours.
Are they only going to work three hours now?
No more hours.
Just here's what you need to get done.
Here's a list of tasks.
If you can get it done.
Noah,
last week Noah had three things that i needed to
do and i was putting them off i banged the i'm so fast when i actually work i got what would
probably take most people five hour work day to like go through all the things i got it done in
15 minutes i'm not kidding because i just was like bam bam bam yeah like i can get my work done in
little spurts that's why i used to wait to the last second to do papers that i would get 86
on till the last minute i'm not someone who does it over a long time i don't like
that so you think we should change from an hour system to a task system yeah like a chore kind
of here's your chores for the day if you finish them now go have fun on a meeting at zoom on
i honestly think people would work harder if they could leave at two knowing that they just have to
get their shit it's just people love to brag about how hard they work the hours and it doesn't impress me anymore
it just tells me that you are a slave to capitalism which we listen we all are and that um it doesn't
impress me it kind of it bums me out when someone is a workaholic as as one myself i look at them
like an addict like i don't really i'm not really interested in men who are
are workaholics yeah or like you know these guys that own these you know that go to davos or
whatever or these tech guys because they just work hours that are just not conducive to having a good
relationship um and that's what i want i want someone who can just bang their workout work
is done and now let's go into fucking on i love when um i always thought about uh you know when a father would go i work
for the family i work for our relationship so your dad yeah yeah yeah i'm projecting and but
it's just so funny to think about it's like no they just wanted to get away from you like so
much of it was like oh i could jerk off in my office and drink alcohol apparently like when my
brother-in-law goes running he's like nikki do you want to run nine miles this weekend and i go
no um why and he's like i just think it'd be fun i go because you want to get away from the kids
and have an excuse because my sister's like if matt and i are doing a half marathon around st
louis lauren can't be like well you're just going off and having fun no it's going to be hard it's not as hard as
kids though that's that's what you know don't have
kids is when your brother-in-law constantly
asks you to go on marathon
runs for fun that are not
organized marathons hey you want to drive
to Texas yeah it'll just
be cool yeah it'll be cool
are we getting out of the car no we're just
driving it's how far away from
my family?
Anything to not have to actually be around kids.
I just find it interesting.
One last thing about this.
Do you think people,
I feel like some people are dying to get back in the office,
put a suit on,
at least get that feeling of normal life going again.
I think that we just need to step out of the box
and really force ourselves to be social
when we don't want to be.
If you're dying for that, you're someone who's social and you'll probably find ways to do it anyway but i gotta tell you guys for the anyone out there who has social anxiety
as do i even though that seems counterintuitive to what i am i was more i think more than i'd
heard anyone express being scared about the world opening up this was probably back in like fall or
summer when it was starting to open up again and then we closed down i was begging for it to close
down again because i just didn't want to be social again i didn't want to have to go out and meet
people even though it's like my friends it's like i just didn't want it and then i did it once
remember when we got out of quarantine and in the islands and we went to that bar and i wasn't
wearing shoes and i was not wearing makeup and i was like I don't want to go to this thing
and see all these people from the set we all just got out of
quarantine so nervous and then
we hung out for I couldn't leave
and maybe that's
because I'm more social I wasn't drinking or anything
I just just put yourself in a situation
that's a little uncomfortable give yourself a pep talk
like I did in the mirror to go out
dressed in that pink outfit
just tell yourself,
I'm Machine Gun Kelly.
I'm cool.
I'm not trying to be cool.
I'm fun.
And I can leave if I want to.
Fashion egg.
Fashion egg.
Might be foreshadowing probably.
Yeah, foreshadowing fashion egg.
Foreshadow egg.
All right, next story.
A teenager severely burned her neck and arm and has had to undergo three skin grafting
surgery.
Can I guess what this is from?
Yeah.
How did she burn her neck and arm and three skin grafting surgeries because she did some
kind of TikTok challenge?
Shut the fuck up.
Really?
Shut the fuck up.
I swear to God.
I don't lie.
I really, I would admit to you.
I go, oh, I would know it.
I didn't know it.
No, she was flying an F-15
Is that a TikTok challenge?
For the rich kids?
I just
I couldn't think of anything
Of how someone
Would just burn themselves
Like in real life
It was a plane crashing
But yeah she was doing it
Okay so it was something
With fire
I mean like a lighter
And then it just exploded
You light a drink on fire
Or something like that
What?
Did it dance too hard
To Renegade? lighter and then it just exploded something you light a drink on fire or something like that what dance too hard to uh renegade oh that's blinding lights i mean there is something like so blindly
that word people will follow a tiktok until they get burnt like they're not even yeah think
especially teenagers they're not they're what is this so what happened to you say what it is yeah
the key what the teen is currently unable to speak okay but based on what we found in the bathroom but she did go how many likes did it get
yeah yeah that's her last her dying words sorry she saw a video of someone lighting a shape on
the mirror on fire yeah and then she brought in a candle and rubbing alcohol into her small bathroom.
And there's no evidence or video of it
because it was like her phone was burned.
But she tried to make a shape on her mirror
and then the whole bathroom ignited.
Fuck.
Be careful out there.
Yeah, you can't even hit post if you burn your phone.
Now she's getting talked about.
I don't know if that's in the way that she wants.
I hope she's okay.
Good thing it wasn't her face.
I really feel bad for anyone who suffers horrible burns.
Oh, yeah, it's the worst.
I watched this one video.
Man, I got to find a way to give it to you, Noah,
to put on our story.
I watched 60 Min australia sometimes
oh i like 60 minutes australia yeah great pieces that you wouldn't see in the states and their
reporters are just amazing i don't know youtube has all of them but there was one girl who was
horrifically burned um somehow and she was just like you know the macarena yeah it was like a fad back yeah i forget how uh but she was once
like the most beautiful girl in school you know the girl that you're like hoping gets burned um
when you're a young girl with a lot of resentment no offense i'm just being honest i used to wish
horrible things on the pretty girls at school whoa would never have facilitated them but like
if they like i was a girl that when jean benet died when i was
in fifth grade i literally how hot she was i wasn't jealous because i was like good
she's gonna be competition later and i don't want it i was already acutely aware that pretty girls
get everything when i was that age i'm not kidding you it's a really sick thought and i'm just being
honest i was just like that's really tragic but like i'm glad it happened to a pretty girl and
not someone did part of you want to die because she got so much attention for dying no no no no no no no
um but uh definitely scared of death uh but that is a sick thought i had but anyway i just
seeing these girls get burned this girl and then seeing how she is now talking through like a hole
in her face that is just glazed and she used to be like the hottest girl in school got all of her attention based on that cheerleader and to see
how amazing this girl is now and how she is so grateful to be alive and not bitter about it like
it makes me realize that anything can happen to me and I will find a way to appreciate life like
I really know that I'm not gonna I don't want to say anything but you know the other day i was thinking what if my voice went away because sometimes it does like what if i lost
my voice what if i inhaled um like sometimes you're in a car accident you inhale uh smoke or
whatever and you damage your voice forever i go oh i would just start writing books like that would
force me to write a book like i have a plan life isn't over and i'm just fascinated by that when
people are like the thing
that they think makes them valuable in the world is taken from them and so i hope this tiktok girl
did not rest her laurels on her neck um although once she ages enough everyone's neck looks like
it was burnt in a tiktok accident that's true she just expedited your neck ages real fast do you
think that parents should uh is there something to there was another thing
called like skull crusher like these like different challenges remember jackass like
don't try this at home yeah do you think tiktok has responsibility for this kind of stuff no
it's like it's it's parents it's common sense it's just if it's not going to be that challenge
it's going to be something else we can't prevent acts it's an accident and happens and it was
always going to happen and now that girl can have like a better life than she would
have if it didn't happen she can affect more change and and be a more positive force in the
world i really do believe believe that that everything bad that happens you can look back
on and go that actually was meant to be it's it's hard to do for some things but even that my
parents just went on a trip to greece yeah for two
weeks they got to germany uh to go on their connection and my dad's passport was expiring
in 45 days they're only staying for 10 days and they have a return ticket germany would not let
them on the plane so they had to turn around and go home they're back home they left yesterday and
they're back home because my dad couldn't and i said i wrote them a note and i go because this
trip did not happen something good will happen believe me or something horrible will happen in greece to their friends yeah something
you will something you will avoid will happen like like and i go honestly i'm gonna send you
guys on a trip to wherever you want to go all expenses paid and i go that wouldn't have happened
unless this was because they could the germany wouldn't even let them out you couldn't go
anywhere yeah so my dad and um and when he got to the airport in st louis he uh i fucking hate Unless this was, because Germany wouldn't even let them out. You couldn't go anywhere. What the fuck? Yeah.
So my dad, and when he got to the airport in St. Louis, he- I fucking hate that shit, though.
He only had a picture of his COVID card, which they said was fine when they called the airport.
And they were like, it's not fine.
You have to go get a test.
So they were at the airport and had to go get a rapid test and get back.
They barely made the plane.
Then they get in Germany.
I mean, I-
They were so excited for this trip, too.
My dad is so upset.
I don't
even want to see them because of how upset they are but i go keep your bags packed i will i will
get you a flight to the florida keys right now and you have a week oh yeah and they go we just
want to be home we just and i go keep it packed let's talk tomorrow night i might send them off
tomorrow on a trip if they keep their bags packed because they're all ready to go they got the dogs
away whatever uh let's why do i care i just fucking hate not i
don't hate germany but i hate williams that's why i hate rules that aren't don't make sense
the thing's 45 days and it's 10 days and can you imagine 35 more days trying to talk to us
say that in german it's like glab at the award show yeah be like uh the uh
you know something like that oh yeah you know scheitzer is the only word i know in german
which means shit apparently okay why do i care why do i care do you know another word in german
i'm a lesbian whore i don't know why i learned why do you know that i don't know my friend taylor
taught it to me in like fifth grade i I learned one line in Hungarian. What?
Megi fatlak e gitara.
What is that?
Can I buy you a drink?
Oh.
And save void is you're beautiful.
Oh.
I learned that because I went out in Budapest.
I thought I'd get pussy. Can I buy you a drink?
You're beautiful?
Yeah.
Nice.
I should probably say save void first.
Okay.
Why do I care?
Why do I care?
Mariah Carey posted a self-deprecating throwback showing an attempt at the Rachel haircut.
Oh, yeah.
I saw this.
It was barely a rachel
that was not a rachel did you do the rachel oh my god i'm still trying to do the rachel
i've done it with my pubic hair the rachel can you explain it to people that don't know what
everyone knows what it is everyone it is a um like a haircut that is about shorter
shoulder length when she was doing it when it was really the rachel and i would say the first and second season of the show it's a layered of a highly layered look um she has really really
thick hair so it's has a lot it takes hair that already has a lot of body makes it have even more
and it's very pc at the top the um pc as in p-i-e-c-y yeah and then uh the the part is
can be a straight part but a lot of times it's like almost like a zigzag it's kind of like PC as in P-I-E-C-Y. Yeah. And then the part is,
can be a straight part,
but a lot of times it's like almost like a zigzag.
It's kind of like,
and you can do this a lot.
You run your hands through it a lot and go,
oh,
why?
Oh,
and you can play with it.
And it's just.
Isn't it interesting?
It was the best cut.
How much celebrity have,
like the Beatles,
when they grew a mustache,
you know, they all grew a mustache after like their second album or whatever.
Yeah.
Every guy fucking had a mustache.
Yeah.
And the Beatle Bob haircut.
Which?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What celebrity do you think influenced you the most?
Jennifer Aniston.
I got called Grandma Jennifer on my field hockey team because by the time I was in high
school, Jennifer Aniston had that really pin straight hair.
Yeah.
Long, long pin straight.
Why were you grandma though?
Because I had a limp from shin splints when I ran.
A very, very severe limp.
I literally couldn't walk from shin splints.
It was bad.
I had to quit field hockey.
You Kaiser Sochet everywhere?
It was terrible.
So I would iron my hair with an ironing board.
Still the straightest.
Who thought of grandma Aniston though?
I believe it was Courtney.
Is she on fire?
Hopefully.
No, I love Courtney.
I loved it because it was like acknowledging that I looked like Jennifer Aniston.
I didn't have to tell someone to tell me that, which is only I've ever wanted.
I was obsessed.
So I started ironing my hair.
And my dad used to walk down into his dressing room where I used the ironing board.
Never burnt myself, by the way.
Ironed my hair every day.
Put it on the thing so fast, so much faster than an iron, iron straightening iron and by the way in in the early 2000s straightening
irons were garbage it wasn't till like 2006 that cheese came out and really changed the game but
you used to they would never get hot enough and now ironing straightening irons are as hot as
irons that you use on an iron so i was what if you burn your hair you don't would you ever leave the steamer on
by mistake oh my god and steam your hair yeah or spray starch on it no i definitely did would use
did you do this too i see so the water so your hair would get wet was doing it no it would be
accidental yeah and then it could burn it but no yeah it was no one no one was doing this in my
high school how many times did you burn yourself never never once never and i used to
people go nick you're gonna burn yourself in the day and i was i could do it blindly and go dad no
i'm not but my dad would come down this is kind of disturbing my dad would come down in his dressing
room and go like it's just the smell in here it smells like a concentration camp and i go why do
you know what that's and he goes it smells like burning
people yeah yeah and i was like that's really not nice i mean and and you don't know and i think
it's a lot more than hair i wasn't burning flesh dad but he used to say that and be like so mad at
me and i'm like but my hair looks glossy and straight and people i remember wearing it to
the green tree festival and people were all abuzz nikki how did you get it so straight and it was my secret and it changed my life it didn't change
anything no one liked me more um let's get to top one bottom one we do it every monday let's kick it
off with the worst experience in a car your bottom uh experience andrew let's start with you oh man
so my bottom one first month had my. I had a brand new Ford Explorer.
Actually, it wasn't brand new.
It was a few months old that my dad let my stepmom drive.
And every time I'd go to school in my school bus, I would see her driving my new car.
And I was such a spoiled bitch because I shouldn't even have a new Explorer.
Yeah.
But I would see her driving.
I go, I should have fucking put on the first miles on that car.
But anyways.
Yeah.
So I got the car.
And I'm so fucking cool
i'm 16 i'm in my car and uh this guy this senior in his jeep wrangler rusty was in the back of it
and rusty was spit on my car with my buddy jordan and my ego couldn't handle the fucking spit even
though that didn't hit me it's on my car it's literally windshield wipers but the disrespect
of spitting on my fucking car and so i followed the wrangler and i'm driving right behind him and
i just i don't even know what i'm gonna do am i gonna get out and fight them whatever
next thing i know the senior starts backing up towards my car and he's completely coming at me
and i'm like fuck he's gonna hit my car and so i fucking i go to go
around it's like in a private development i go to go around him and there's a truck like a working
truck uh in front of the median like in front of the meeting yeah like with like um cones whatever
yeah and i go around it and he tried to cut me off he didn't see me and he fucking drilled
the side of my car and i almost fucking fly off a bridge like with my luckily like we did
like a whole 180 so i'm like freaking out right first month his parents lived like a block away
so his parents came talk to the cops it was my fault because i was on the wrong side of road
even though this motherfucker wouldn't let me leave and i didn't know what to do and my dad fucking oh my god it was not
not cool and uh so yeah if someone spits on your car don't take so much offense to it yeah just
fucking i should no i i and i'm still for you know you end up being my business on a man's car
yeah you don't spit is just like don't fucking spit on people when i watched that jim and andy
documentary about jim carrey and andy kaufman like taking the role of Andy Kaufman, which is so good, by the way, on Netflix.
Noah, have you seen it?
No, I haven't.
Oh, my God.
If you've never seen Man on the Moon, the Andy Kaufman movie that Jim Carrey starred in from the 90s, it's one of the best films of like one of my favorite films.
And then Jim and Andy is a documentary about the making of it.
And Jim Carrey, we all know notoriously became andy kaufman off screen too but
it's way weirder than you think way weirder dude it's so i can't believe this documentary has been
out since 2017 i just found out about it it's one of my favorite things i've watched it took me like
three days to get through because i was like processing it so much but he's he as andy kaufman
spits on this guy at one point and it's just like the guy that knew Andy Kaufman
back in the day because they casted the same person was like Andy and I did not have this
relationship like I don't know why Jim Carrey is choosing to like bully me he's like because Jim is
just saying I don't know what's happening I'm just doing what Andy is telling me to do I'm
possessed by Andy so he goes I know that Andy and him got along back in the day but what for
whatever reason Andy does not like him right now.
And it was just like, okay, all right, Jimmy.
So anyway, my worst story in a car.
I wanted to beat the shit out of that guy too later on in life.
What guy?
Because I got bigger because I was really small.
Oh, we're still on that.
I'm sorry, but I would just see him later in life.
I just want, I would tell him at a party one time.
What's his name again?
Oh, Joel.
Joel McHale. Yeah, Joel McHale, who looks like Jim Ligaments, but whatever. That's an inside joke. later in life i just want i would tell him at a party what's his name again oh joel joel mckale
yeah joel mckale who looks like uh jim ligaments but whatever that's an inside joke uh that's a
very inside but uh anyways but i got bigger and stronger and you just want to beat up your bullies
from back in the day yeah yeah you do when you get stronger anyways go ahead man i've got some
good bully redemption or like like confrontation stories uh got to get in that top one, bottom one.
Where they'd be like front row.
Next week.
One time Molly Collier was front row
and she was the one that I peed in her sister's bed
at a slumber party that she was my friend
and then she and all the girls told the class on Monday
that I peed the bed.
And she was kind of like pulled into it.
Even though she was my friend,
she went sided with the girls and she was at a like pulled into it even though she was my friend she got she went sided
with the girls and she was at a funny bone show one time and i go molly and i was headlining it
was like my first like big and molly was there i go molly collier's here i go you're the reason i
do stand up do you know that you told and it was so good and she was really sweet about it and i
was like i know you called me a bitch at the pencil sharpener because ellie told you to in
fourth grade and i didn't know what it meant.
And I just said, no, you are.
I go, no, I'm not.
She goes, you're a bitch.
And I go, no, I'm not.
And she goes, ooh, good line.
I'm going to write that down in my book of comebacks, which was actually a good line.
Compassionately come.
It was good.
Wow.
You're so on that too.
It's so hot.
You can't let things go today.
Never.
So my worst thing in a car is really quick but it's
I just for whatever reason when I was thinking about this
got brought back not to like near
accidents or traumatizing physical
things in cars but
the way I felt one time when I was
with my ex-boyfriend in a car and
he said something
intentionally really hurtful to me
that was the only thing in our relationship that I
really remember he did out of, he even admitted to saying like, I did that to hurt you. Cause
later on I was like, I think you're being hurtful. You did this, this, this. And he goes, those other
two were totally unintentional and I'm really sorry, but that one was actually trying to hurt
your feelings. And it was an ugly moment. And that moment was, I was saying he was in a mood
about something, you know, in a bad mood and we were driving he was we
were driving to lunch or something and um I was just trying to you know that tension that you feel
when you know the person hates you next to you for something that you don't even remember what you did
trying to make small talk and be nice and like bubbly and he's just driving angry yeah silent
and like just not not in a good mood and i just go um i mentioned some
car we saw and i was like oh i like that or something and he goes he goes uh he or i said
that's for whatever reason we were talking about how i i can't tell the difference between cars i
can get a rental car and drive it all week and not tell you what the make was or the model like
i don't pay attention to cars it's not something in my i just don't know i get it when friends are always like
you don't know my car and i'm like i will never know your car i don't pay it's like when you get
into um uh an uber and you don't pay attention to the directions whenever i go to a doctor's office
and they lead me through the hallway to the and then they let me out of the doctor's office i
never know how to get back to the waiting room because i'm following someone i don't pay attention
so i go i said to him i go i honestly i don't know anything about cars like the difference between
cars it's so wild like i have a like almost blindness to cars and the differences between
them and he goes oh you would think that someone who like is good at fashion would like know about
car like like would see the differences like who cares about fashion would care about cars and i go
oh i'm terrible at fashion he goes oh you he goes i know or he said something he goes um yeah that's
what i meant or something like he said something about like he just insulted my fashion fashion
sense which i was really insecure about at the time and he knew that and i just felt so low and
so sad just a feeling of just like sadness of like the person i love this isn't going to work i can't
be with someone that talks to me like this but i have no idea how this is ever going to end and it
probably it might not i might be trapped in this forever and and you're literally trapped in a
moving vehicle and he has full control of it yeah and that's a whole other thing too of like road
rage and but now you have motherfucking stylists, so fuck him.
No, he's... No, I'm just kidding.
I don't say fuck him.
The fact that he admitted that he was trying to hurt me
and that like it was an ugly moment
was actually huge growth.
And that's the only reason I can talk about it.
But yeah, just that feeling.
I've been...
All the flood of thoughts that came back to me
of bad moments in cars were not accidents,
which I've had,
not like hitting pedestrians with my car
and feeling like I
was going to go to jail forever.
It's when boys have been mean to me.
Uh,
Noah,
what's your worst one?
Uh,
my worst one,
I guess is kind of like a,
a cross of the two of the things that you guys said.
I was in a,
someone,
a guy spit on you in the car.
No,
but,
um,
I was in a car with a friend of mine and um he's like want to see me blow this red
light and i'm like no and he like steps on the gas and he doesn't just blow through one avenue
he like blew through new utrecht which is under like a train pass and it's like you can't see if
cars are coming or not and i was just like you know nothing
happened thank goodness but now every time i go through a large intersection even if i have the
green light i'm just like oh my god i'm gonna get hit by a car well that's good though i'm glad that
happened to you and you didn't get hurt because now maybe you're more cautious and you won't get
hurt by something that you know someone blowing a red light even when you have a green because
you can't ever trust it just because it's green so maybe some good game of that but really a good
point noah i wanted to say to any person listening if you're in a car with someone and they take a
risk that puts your life at danger they are bad they they don't love you yeah and it's not that
they don't love you it's a personal thing they don't love themselves because they're risking
their own life and you need to distance yourself from that person i'm serious and i'm talking to
myself here too when i'm in a car with a man and he just driving erratically it is a it's the number
one red flag of get out of that relationship because they do not value your life and they
they need to be even if they don't value their own they should be driving safely with you because
you are precious cargo and they love you so that's a good this is a good uh lesson that i need to be, even if they don't value their own, they should be driving safely with you because you are precious cargo
and they love you.
So that's a good,
this is a good lesson
that I need to hear
and I'm talking to you, girl.
And anyone who said kuh
when Noah said that
at the same time Andrew and I did,
you are fully indoctrinated
into the Nikki Glaser podcast.
If your first response was kuh,
I love you.
I like a bad boy that,
you know,
goes zero to 60 in three seconds
and makes my pussy throb.
You need to like yourself
because girls are attracted
to bad boys
that treat you bad.
Bad boys
because you don't like yourself.
And I know you're like,
no, I do.
I beg to differ.
And it's not,
it's not bad
that you don't like yourself.
Let's do top moments in cars.
All right.
Can we do this fast, Andrew?
Yeah.
I'll do mine fast too.
Zero to 60.
Yeah, baby. Fast and Furious coming out again number nine i think okay faster blow job in a car great oh wow grace which one which which one in high school i got a blow job i was a senior while the
car was moving or stationary not only was it parked i didn't know like car i locked myself in there
like someone kills a dog with the windows up yeah i didn't have the air conditioning on
we fogged that bitch out yeah i did have the battery on because we were listening to backseat
of that jeep or backseat of my jeep by l.l cool j and i just it's so like you know when you hook up
and you play a hookup song in the place you're hooking up? Oh, cur.
It's not cur.
No?
That's just like, just do it.
Backseat of my Jeep.
Let's bring an episode.
It's a little cur, but as long as you embrace it, it's not cur.
It was fine.
I didn't come.
It's a very fine line.
And Rusty was involved in that one.
Really?
Because he came and knocked on the window.
Man, he should have spit on your dick and lubed it up a little bit.
Okay. spit on your dick and lubed it up a little bit okay my top story in a car is um one from this
past weekend is just singing in a car with friends and the song is just right and everyone's enjoying
the song in the same level it's not like a taylor show song i put on just for myself like everyone's
in i sang don't speak with ben glebe and carl alforster on the way back from the pacific uh from malibu we went to a class this weekend a Forrester on the way back from the Pacific,
from Malibu.
We went to a class this weekend,
a dance class.
And on the way back,
Ben drove us back and we'd saying,
don't speak.
And I forgot how fucking great that song is,
how much anger there is in that song,
how much hurt.
Cause I used to sing that song when I was in seventh grade.
And I remember really getting,
nailing it back then.
It's perfectly in my vocal range.
And I just had this Renaissance with that song in the car.
And I knew every little breath, every little tweak of her voice like i i nail it yeah it is now can you sing a little bit of it all right not too much you and me we used to be together
every day together always shit i can't no it's really good dude i'm closing my eyes yes i'm losing my best friend i can't believe this could be the end it looks okay so it's just
like so good it's it's actually like i love that song there's a little like billy eilish like that in there but but she's still saying then losing losing i could do it if i practice it so um singing that and then the other one is
real quick um oh fuck uh it was a good one it was a good one hold on um in high school me and
my friends used to uh scream out of the window and like push our, like my friends would flash guys
and I would just be in the cars
and we would like play,
pour some sugar on me
and do like fake strip teases to be like fake.
We were trying to be,
and just laughing with my friends.
And then Kirsten and I went back to our old college
as adults this past summer.
And we were driving past college kids
waiting in line to get in these like packed clubs
during COVID.
And we would drive past and go, mama's home.
Because she was driving her CRV.
And we were just like confusing these kids at night.
Like dressed in like mini skirts, college kids.
And we go, mama's home.
And just like old ladies.
That was so fun.
Noah, what's your top story in a car?
Okay.
Well, top moment in a car would be
anytime I have a
it's like lame a dog in the back
seat dog with his head out the window
and me looking in the
side mirror and like seeing how happy
his like mouth and open
and tongue wagging and stuff like that
cute I do love that
there's nothing better than a dog with a head out the window
it really is
And their tongue
And it's in the wind
And they look like they're smiling
Even though they're not because it's just their teeth are being pushed back
You know it's like how skeletons are always smiling
People really liked that by the way
When I said that early on in the podcast that skeletons are always smiling
If you ever sad just picture that your skeleton is like
And when you're dead and the maggots eat your
flesh you'll be like yeah i love it i'm a skeleton in a grave and everyone's forgotten about me
okay final thought let's just get let me just do one more part of the story but we're not going to
finish it of the iheart awards so i get there the tent i'm back in the tent they go the presenter's
tent is right here so you walk through this like you know uh drapery like you can't see who's in there i walk in there's like
bands warming up to like to go on i go who's those bands i don't even know who these people are who
was that band it was like imagine dragons no it was 21 pilots oh yeah okay so that they were there
uh the guy was really cute from ohio the everyone's just like nervous back there you just realize these so i
walk in nelly is inside the the presenter's tent there's a there's a tv i wish i love i'm like a
bird okay so no it's uh hey huh nelly nelly nelly i don't know wait what what nelly song is that
it's every nelly song i'm going down down baby old street in the rain bro baby
got ready to let it go jimmy shimmy cook a pop shimmy shimmy rye i know a biscuit a bit oh you
just go to the children's song the lullaby so nelly's in there also is in there is uh joel
mckale and that wait no joel's not in there yet there was a band who was like kind of to me that they wouldn't even look at me
and I'm dressed like gorgeously
I'm obviously one of the celebrities there
fucking talked I'm not a publicist they totally
ignore me I'm trying to like be nice
and like look at them only one of the guys
in the band looked at me there are three singers I don't know
who they are but I later on I filmed them
later on it was a band with three singers
no they went out to present
they went out to present and I took yeah it was like some indie group i took a video of them
presenting because i was inside the room watching the tv and i i made commentary like they weren't
very cool were they like alternative or were they like let's see um one second one second okay yeah
they were um definitely here they are let's see them oh here it is oh i who are those guys
i just shared a green room with these guys and 177 dates and i just released
i'm gonna be honest uh neither of them looked at me even once. And I'm in a pretty stunning dress.
I don't know why that has to do with anything.
I was very open to chatting in this desolate room.
But they didn't say anything to me.
I'm sure they're just nervous.
And I'm taking it personally.
Okay, so I'm sure they were nervous.
And I was taking it personally.
But they didn't.
They literally didn't make any eye contact with me.
Even though I was trying to be nice and smile at them.
Because we're all at this award show but anyway
nelly is back there later on he comes back there and i was like i have talked to nelly in the lobby
of the serious building a couple years ago when i saw him and i just went up to him and said i'm
from st louis thank you for all you do for our community which is an insane thing to say but i
was really nervous saw him this time i go nelly i'm from st louis my name is nikki laser i'm
comedian he's like hey nice to meet you and we shake hands and i was like thank you seriously for making st louis
fucking cool and he was girl you're keeping that going i go i am but like i you started it man like
you yeah you rapped about your mall that you love yeah the front neck down at the front neck don't
know how to act it's i think it's like uh so then he was very nice to me and i go and i one time told
you thank you for all you do for our community i made everyone laugh by telling that story in the
room so everyone was like on board with me the makeup artists are in the back they're doing
touch-ups and everyone was like then nelly kind of liked me he was drinking too so he was like
in a better mood his publicist was there and like kind of getting a kick out of me so later on nelly
comes up to me and he goes uh or we're sitting back there and I go uh so we're
talking about St. I don't even know what we're talking about and he goes um you want to like
you want to like shoot something we want to make a video and I was like sure and he's like you want
a picture or something and I was like yeah I do so I give his publicist my camera and then I just
turn into like an interviewer I'm like I'm backstage here with Nelly um I'll play you the
tape of what it is I send it to Andrew it's not great I was going to post it and I was like
It's not wonderful but it's more me
Just like kissing Nelly's ass but the last
Part's really funny because oh wait
Sorry no yeah I saw that
I saw that yeah I don't think
I'm ever going to post it but
This is the audio from it for
Maybe
My hand is around him
Nelly is here I go is that Nelly in there I love Nelly so much as someone from St. Louis for our my hand is around him that's what he's known for
and he goes congratulations to you you can barely hear him he goes congratulations to you And you're just so talented, and I'm so happy to be best friends with you now.
We're there.
And he goes, congratulations to you.
You can barely hear him.
He goes, congratulations to you.
Okay, okay.
And you are still, you're also, like, setting the stage for, like, St. Louis. He gives me some accolades here that you can't really hear, but then listen to this part.
So I'm like, okay.
What was my name again?
I said, what's my name again I said what's my name again
and he puts his hand on his head
like oh no and I go well
I can't believe you put him on the spot
but then look at how much fun we have
when he realizes this brought us together
when I called him on it because then he
laughs so hard
so when I go I I go, I go, what's my name again?
And then he falls and I like get to hug him.
And then the rest of the show,
he goes,
Nikki,
have a good,
he goes,
good job out there.
Nikki.
Like when I go to present,
he's like,
have fun out there. Nikki,
like we're like buds.
Now I go out there to present my award.
I come out on stage.
The guys that give that. So I come out out because these this three band named ajr who i love i
shot video of them meeting nelly secretly and i sent it to them all in their dms but none of them
have seen it yet and i'm like i got blue check mark how are these boys not checking their messages
and i go for you ajr really nice guys very cute all of them DM me if you're interested so I
I don't even know their music at all but they were they were really
nice to me and they're introducing me because they go
what's your name and I was like Nikki and they're like we're actually
introducing you I go it's Glazer GLAS
like like a laser pointer so they
they go Nikki Glazer I come out I
go those guys were super cool backstage the
audience loves it little backstage thing and
they were I was like I love those guys they were nice backstage
backstage is a rapper?
Little backstage.
Yeah, he's little backstage is over there.
That would be a great name.
So then Nelly, by the way, Usher has,
this is for tomorrow when I cover the rest of the story.
Usher has is hosting the show.
He has a private band,
like his own band on the side of the stage where there's like a lounge around it.
Joel Gallen, who directed and produced this award show,
did a fantastic job it was so cool
to be in this like every presenter and famous person there was in this artist lounge surrounding
usher so during the commercial brace usher would serenade you with his live cool band and he was
right there like two feet in front of you like you're just it's like a small lounge and then
the audience was like full audience no how did they get usher to do something like i feel like
that's below what usher should be doing are you kidding me usher was hosting it and then
singing everything he wanted to say was it still on camera no he wanted to sing in commercial
breaks he didn't have to it was all on camera when he was singing but he wanted to keep going
because here's the big thing the takeaway guys live music and entertainment is going to be
fucking bonkers this year because i noticed that every
single performer the weekend even he's at the iHeart awards he goes to accept his award after
he opened the show later on he's accepting it and he goes i didn't want to stop playing i cannot
believe how much how excited this makes me to perform usher what leads us into the story that
i really want to tell is usher kept the party going after the camera stopped, which is absurd to finish a two and a half hour show
and then want to keep playing
because it was a live crowd,
not socially distant.
People were just stoked.
So I'll just say this part.
So I go,
those,
I go,
come on to present.
How did the presentation go?
What?
How did the,
did the joke hit?
Yeah,
it was fine.
I stumbled pretty hard
out of the gate,
which is another thing.
Noah,
let me just quickly get through this. I'm going to go fire so i come out the ajr introduced me i go i
love those guys they were nice to be backstage then nelly goes go nicky or says something to
me from across the stage i mean this is like hundreds of feet away from where usher is sitting
and machine gun kelly and megan fox he's like yeah nicky because i had the report and i go i love you
nelly the crowd fucking loved it they're on my side eating out of the palm of my hand i'm feeling
really loose so i just go into the bit like I would do stand up forgetting there's a
teleprompter with the bit in it and then I kind of stumble yeah I stumble I forget my premise and
then I instead of freaking out because I stumbled which is like something I would normally do would
be like you already fucked it up you wanted to come out and just nail it not have a single stumble
I just was like make the best of the rest of it because you stumbled but now you can start over and be way better than you would have if you didn't stumble
like you could start again begin again so I stumbled and I go I was like you know what I'm
looking like listening for and I then I decided to do it like I was talking to my friends and
trying to articulate something so I just knew the joke in my head. And I go, how would you tell this to your friends?
How would you articulate this?
And I go, when you're looking for new music,
when you're looking for good music to listen to, it's a lot like,
and then I did the joke just from my memory instead of reading it.
And then it hit, hit, hit.
All the jokes hit.
It was fine.
Later on, they chopped my,
they made it seem like I said John Mayer was in my phone,
not John Mayer's second cousin, Rodney's roommate.
And they just did. And then I had to write to them and be like,
can you include the rest of it
so it doesn't look like I'm saying
that John Mayer's in my phone even though he is?
Maybe they took it out because of Rodney King.
No, no.
I don't know how woke people are.
John Mayer's second cousin, Rodney?
I could just see.
Rodney's a name.
What are you talking about?
No, that is, sorry, that's ridiculous.
But I mean, i guess cancel culture
could go there anyway nelly gave me a shout out i stumbled over my line i had a great night despite
stumbling and feeling like i really didn't do well because when i got off stage no one said good job
i'm waiting for good jobs everyone's running around they didn't even see it maybe but then
i'm thinking the people that did see it they're not saying good job i'm feeling in my head and
then the rest of the night i decided to fucking let that go even if i bombed and i'm never invited back have the time of my life and i will get into
that story at the top of the show tomorrow on the nikki laser podcast thank you so much for
listening today what a fucking fun show foreshadowing fashion eggs fashion eggs all over you guys thank
you for listening thank you for adopting into your life thank you for telling your friends about the
show tell them that they can jump in at any time they'll they'll learn the inside jokes quickly they i want them at our group of friends
let's let's let's build this group of friends because you guys are seriously i feel as close
to me as my busties and i love you and uh any last words oh my god i gotta talk about this
okay i was like what all right guys uh was just joking, but we will get into everything, including his teeth.
Find out in between stories on the news tomorrow.
All right.
See you tomorrow.
Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.
If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email
that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up,
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Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.
Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.
Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.
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People, my people, what's up?
This is Questlove.
Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.
Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season.
But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.
I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more.
Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance.
You gotta check them out.
Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
What if you asked two different people the same set of questions?
Even if the questions are the same,
our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.
I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast,
and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season.
We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,
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Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app,
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Seven questions, limitless answers.
You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports.
I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,
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