The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #413 Looting & Stealing, Love on The Spectrum & How Nikki Wrote a New Song

Episode Date: February 2, 2024

According to Nikki, the best flight will have you horizontal. Brian claims to have looted in his life. Taylor can, of course, top his crime story. Nikki and Taylor are loving "American Nightmare" on Netflix. Nikki finished season 2 of "Love on The Spectrum" and gives her take on it, including the infamous cupcake scene. They talk about dealing with rejection in high school, which leads Brian to remember what happened when he messaged the most popular girl in school. In The Final Thought, Nikki talks about the process of writing a song for her special. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm in a pretty good mood today. I just went to Pilates early morning, got it done with. I don't think there's any better feeling than being done with a workout. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's the best. Can you beat it? Can anyone beat that feeling? I used to say that the worst time to die

would be right after you leave the gym. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Because you just worked out, you put in the time, and you're about to have a really good hour, and you don't get to experience the benefits.

I always think that it's like, well, you can look hot during your autopsy, but I always think about the worst time to die would be at the end like you take a plane somewhere and you take like a 17 hour flight and it it crashes upon landing

I'd rather just like let's get it over with at the top of it so you just and you're in a middle seat the whole time on like a China Eastern Air which was the worst flight I've ever taken in my life that was the it was hell on earth JetBlue Mint

I would like to die at the end of that because I'm laying horizontal and sleeping the whole time that was the greatest experience of my life of the year my best moment of the past 365 days was a flight from los angeles to west palm beach two weeks ago jet blue mint horrors i lay down the whole time no one can get me in the air there's no responsibilities there's no there could be no wi-fi no one knows i am safe in a

cubby there's someone next to me i don't like even i like someone laying next to me too i just like to be like some i like that everyone's like awake doing things and i get to sleep peacefully like a little squirrel yeah like hollowed out being in your bed at night and then hearing your parents talking in like the other room that's like from childhood oh yeah it's the greatest when there's activity someone is someone's awake to get intruders monsters if they come but yeah

okay so JetBlue it's like you walk in or this is like it's just a first class experience so and not a lot of planes have it

so you can lay down those are always like flights that are like longer but you especially domestic what was that? especially domestic flights usually it's for international

yeah it's gotta be like Los Angeles to New York but this Los Angeles to West Palm Beach was like a five hour flight so what was that especially domestic flights usually it's yeah it's gotta be like los angeles to new york but this los angeles to west palm beach was like a five-hour flight so i slept the entire time but yeah it lays all you get totally flat and just think about the people flying from la to west palm beach those are some pretty special people that are because west palm beach is filled with boomers who are retired and la people are all mostly in the industry. So it's probably, yeah. I don't want to know how much that flight costs.

They're probably like producers from the 70s. I don't want to worry about it. That's my new thing to spend money on. I'm just doing it. You should. Flying first class when you can lay down is my favorite thing in the world. There's not a moment I spent with my niece where she was giggling and saying, I love you. That is better than that feeling.

There's not me completing months long of preparing for a special and it finally being done. There's no better feeling than sleeping in the air. Would you rather do that than fly private?

Oh yeah, 100%. I like being around people. I don't want to fly private because I also feel like you'll die private. You have a better chance of dying when it's a smaller plane. Sure. So I get a little bit worried about that.

But no, I wouldn't want to fly private. I feel like I would feel lonely. You wouldn't drop 20K to go private to West Palm? I like airports. I like Hudson News. I like paying $4.09 for a Diet Coke. I like setting my bags down and going to the bathroom. I don't like the TSA, but it's not so bad.

Once you get in there, once you pass the TSA, it feels, you just feel like no one can get you in there. There's just nothing you can do. I just want to be protected from people getting me. It's like a mall. What are they getting at? If you wrote to me and we're like i need you to write back to this email or i need you to review this video to send us notes on it

the wi-fi is really bad here like in an airport there's nowhere to listen to things there's nowhere to like actually work that's where i do all my listening and working i guess i guess people do because they definitely have wi-fi and everyone knows it. They have strong Wi-Fi. It's not like these Boingo hotspots anymore. It's free. It's still Boingo someplace. It's strong. You have to watch an ad for AT&T for 50 seconds and then you're in.

But the plane is different. I always think it's so funny in airports, like in the waiting areas, when there's like a crowd of people where you can plug in your charger block for the phone. There's just people huddled around in like this very small space. It's like a fire in a old, you know, barrel. Yeah, like to homeless people. Like downtown New York during the blackout. Remember that?

Were you there for the blackout of 2014? I wasn't there for the blackout. I missed it. Were you there for the blackout? Oh, those were wild times. I think there was one in like 2008 too. Yeah, 2008 I think it was. How long was it blacked?

Well, it was pretty wild. I think it was like a week or something. There were some parts of it that were way longer. That's amazing. I was there in 2014, but I don't remember that. I don't remember exactly.

It wasn't 2008 because, yeah, I wouldn't have been there. It really was. It was before the 10s for sure. The big blackout. Well, that was Hurricane Sandy. And then maybe that was- Yeah, the blackout was-

2012. It was 2012. Oh. Oh, 2003 was the blackout that I remember. Oh, well, that was me growing up blackout. That was like the whole Eastern Seaboard blackout where I went looting as a young boy. Do you remember that?

You looted? Yeah, no, I remember the blackout of 2003 and me. You didn't go looting. I went looting. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. What did you do? No, you didn't.

You were a good boy. You looted your neighbor's undies. I went and I stole me and my friends. We went and I went to the summer camp that I used to go to and we stole like a basketball or something like that. Looting. You did loot? Wow, that counts.

Yeah, because there was nothing. Everything was off, and it was dark, and you really couldn't see anything. And me and my friends, me and my little rapscallion friends, we were real little rascals. We went through the town, and we stole mostly sporting goods from places that wouldn't have missed them. Okay. Like a played-again sports? People weren't working? How did you get

into these sporting goods stores? The camp was just... We didn't go to stores. I didn't throw a brick through a window and loot like it's San Francisco in 2020. Am I right? No, I went, I climbed a fence or unhooked a fence or just walked into the open area that the property was.

Was that the worst thing you ever did in your life? Was that the most breaking law you ever did? Hold on, I have a booger. I can't handle this. One second. There's an old face mask down here. I'm going to use to get it out. Why is that there?

I hate when there's just like a wet booger. Oh, I can't even. And you like sniffle your nose and it like transfers to your cheek. Oh. No. Is this too gross for you? Wait, does this not happen to you? I don't like wet ones.

Yeah, they're horrible. Because at least a dry one you can feel and it'll fall off. You can flick it off. Noah's gone. She blacked out. Noah said, I'm going to go loot something and it's a clean next door. Is that the worst thing you ever did, Brian? The worst thing I ever did crime-wise?

I can't think of something worse than looting. Than stealing from a summer camp? I mean, it's not looting. I mean, I did beat the shit out of that. Yeah, something worse than looting. Than stealing from a summer camp? I mean, it's not looting. I mean, I did beat the shit out of that 11-year-old. Last year. Yeah, last year. And he died. But other than that.

When did you beat the shit out of an 11-year-old? You were 11, I'm guessing? No, I was 30 and I just killed an 11-year-old. Stop it. I don't know what i don't like this joke wait when did you beat the shit out of an 11 year old i never but one time i was um that was just a joke i was exaggerating something that i definitely didn't do one time i did kidnap a bunch of uh uh women from her i've no i don't like this no one keeps coming and going no Noah looks like she keeps coming and going Is this happening this whole thing

Even with the booger I can't I don't care if I have a booger I felt like I was vamping with my random crimes This is all going in People are going to listen to this Why not It's just a booger

It's not like I'm molesting someone on's it's just a truth it's not like i'm like doing i'm molesting someone on camera you know like it's it's it's not a crime to have well you have dust in your nose no it's not a crime but you have a very special relationship with like germs and things like that like you don't care at all like your level your your level of germ caring is like beyond the spectrum it's like so low no it's i'm not disgusting like there are things that i'm saying you're disgusting germs are different you don't care about germs but boogers are not germs yeah boogers are gross there's no doubt about it the wetness you can take the wet i'm sorry i probably wouldn't want to hear someone talking about that if i was

listening to a podcast but my own do not disgust me of course no but why do you know what i'm talking about when you like wipe your nose and it will like get on your hand somewhere and you have to check every certain. I slowly move. Oh, there it is. There's one on my knuckle. Oh my God.

It's like a part of it gets on there. This is getting. It's fine. Everyone calm down. Everyone. Let's go back to looting. Take a chill pill. Yeah, murdering children.

Taylor, what's the biggest thing you've ever stolen? A cop car, remember? Oh my a cop will you tell us again because i forget how you stole a cop car um it was the jimmy buffett parking lot which me and my friends used to go to the parking lot for shows and not actually go into the shows and we went to the parking lot so we could steal yeah um we would everyone someone brought one time like a truckload of sand and poured it out and they had like uh umbrellas and stuff in it and coolers and all kinds of stuff so they would act like they were at the beach and they would go into the show and then we would go stealing all their shit like basically all their booze just their booze and food and stuff like

that just abandon their little beach setups? Yeah, they would go to the show and leave everything there because you can't bring it in. So it's not like really stealing. They left it for you. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Okay, yeah. That's what you've been saying. Otherwise, it's going to be horrible.

So I'm saying, saying what I'm saying. Somebody left their lights on of this car. And so me and my friends thought we should turn them off, right? So we saw the keys were in it and then I started the car to see if it would start and it didn't. So then me and my friends decided

we were gonna jump the car. I don't know why we were doing all this stuff. We were drunk, I guess. We thought that to be nice. And then I started, well, we should go through it and I opened it. So you saw a car with its lights on you were you were like we'll turn them off we don't want them to lose their battery then let's just check the engine to see if the battery's dead it is let's jump the car so you're

so we're being nice but you're also being nice we're still getting nice and then well then i'm like well i'm just gonna look around it probably there's probably nothing to steal in the backseat there was all these coconut bras and like lay skirts or lays and like the grass skirts and then i opened like some of the you know the consoles and there was a badge and all this cop stuff and then i was like well i don't want to be nice anymore right oh my god because it's a cop so then we decided we're gonna enjoy joyride the car and so he just drove the car around the parking lot and parked it somewhere else

to mess with him okay so it wasn't like you took it forever I didn't steal yeah but we did take

the badge so it was like an undercover cop car yeah or it could have just been a costume no I have a police badge

police at the beach you do have you ever looked up who it is yes wait what you like my friend just told me my friend that I just was visiting him No, I have a police badge. Police at the beach. You do? Yeah. Have you ever looked up who it is? Yes. Oh my God. Wait, what? My friend just told me, my friend that I just was visiting him, we did it together, and

he told me a long time ago that he buried the badge. Wait, you took his badge? To grow a cop? Yeah, he took the badge. He watered it? What the fuck? Allegedly. How old were you?

Allegedly. Like 24 or something. What? I thought you were going? Allegedly. Like 24 or something. What? I thought you were going to say 14. Dude, she's wild. Why were you doing this at 24? Because I was wrong. I can understand if you were like a teenager and you couldn't buy alcohol and this is what

you did in your high school. But at 24, you should have had a job. We just had an illustrious life. Oh my God. And you stole a cop car and a badge yes and now you're implicating yourself on a podcast that thousands of people listen to it it could be just a story that i like to tell because i said this is a comedy podcast you're like mark twain now oh yes i am actually samuel clemens that's the trick to it wait what did mark twain lie about

true things or say that he was lying when he said true things i think it's all fiction yeah well yeah but he's a fiction right this could be fiction right okay yeah all right it is yeah it could be this isn't a fiction or could have a sick addiction. Or is it now? I feel like, yeah, I can't even think of... I would be so scared to get caught, but I guess that's the drunk part. So you were just, you were like really drunk doing this. This was like... No, I mean, I would do stuff like that all the time.

What the fuck? You know what my dad... What do you mean? Yeah, she's got sticky fingers. What would you do? Not anymore. She used to. What would you do?

They're cleaned off now. So, you know, allegedly... What fingers. What would you do? Not anymore. She used to. What would you do? They're cleaned off now. So, you know, allegedly. What was the last thing you stole? Allegedly. Or just as a joke. Stuff from like that I needed for like, for the house, stuff like that. From like stores?

Yeah. What was the last thing you felt bad about? Have you ever later on been like, I shouldn't have taken that from that person no because i don't take things from people just like stores stores or cops cars or the state um were you turning that like i'm gonna turn off their lights and then i'm gonna check their car then i'm good that's funny because i picture we have pictures of all this stuff with pictures of like us jumping the car and stuff. And I'm like, we thought we were doing something good for a long time.

Oh, my God. It reminds me of- Like, why are we going to jump? We should be having fun. Instead, we're jumping this person's car. They're like, living on sponge cake in the show. Jumping their car unbeknownst to them. I would have totally done something like that when I'm drunk.

I mean, turning off the lights seems like a reasonable but then to go as far as to jump the cars like oh my god it's almost like a violation excited to jump a car i know it's always i get excited i love being a good sam um a few months ago i was at a cardinals game these teens got out, and they were kind of mean-looking teens, kind of dressed. One of them was dressed in fishnets and kind of a skanky outfit.

The other ones were looking like they were definitely, yeah, they were mad. The other ones were looking like they were definitely going to go do something like drug-related. So they went far away. They left their lights on. I yelled far away. They left their lights on. I yelled, hey, you left your lights on.

And then they were out of view. And so I was sitting waiting with my sister for someone to pick us up because they went and got the car to pick us up, my dad and Colin, my boyfriend. And then they came back. Or no, I went in and I was like, oh, I'm gonna turn their lights off.

So I opened the door and started to turn their lights lights off and they all of a sudden came out of nowhere and started like this guy ran up like he was gonna punch me and they were screaming at me like get the phone away my car and i was like i was turning your lights off well your car was gonna go out and i was just turning your lights off oh my my God. And then I was going to check the console and then I was going to- It was so scary. You got to know, you can't just- I'm not doing it anymore. That's a violation of people's privacy. People aren't going to, if someone's going into your car,

strangers going into your car- I would be really happy if someone went in my car. Oh, are you turning my lights off for me? They're going to just think you're robbing them. Yeah, but they were like kids and I am like a 40 year old woman. Why is this 40 year old woman robbing our car

is what they would with her dad like in cardinals outfits i said i was turning her lights off and they just wanted to fight the guy kept screaming at me like i'm gonna kill you and then we passed him on the highway and they rolled down the window and her whole body was out of the window flapping and i would go fuck you so they gave chase they gave chase oh my gave chase. Oh my God. My dad was so mad. He was like, why would you do that? I'm like, I, it's one of those things you do.

And then you're like, my dad was mad that I was messing with their lights. They left the car open? They left the car open with the lights on. Yeah. A lot of people do that though. And then they just are about, because they're going to go back to their car. Like maybe they were just exiting the car for like a second. they're too lazy to go like this and turn your lights like stay on for like 30 seconds no this was like five minutes and i was like i thought they were gonna come back but they didn't so that i was like at this point i should turn their lights

off because now they're not coming back but they saw they were coming back just as you were doing yeah and i don't know how they must have been sneaky because i think they wanted to mess just trying to be a good sam i'm a sam i watched this documentary series on netflix called american nightmare and i cannot believe i don't open my phone and everyone's talking about it all the time it's so interesting it's so crazy this couple gets abducted oh i saw that the the girl gets abducted so messed up these guys show up in wet suits with laser pointers in the middle of the night and like can you saw the whole thing goggles on them you saw the whole thing yeah isn't it wild it's crazy you're good samaritan like i'm a criminal but i'm also doing good remind you of the mayor island creeper who

would break into a woman's home or he did creeper who would break into a woman's home. Or he did this one time. He broke into a woman's home, like, like held her down and was like, now I'm going to rape you. And she was like, please don't,

please, please, please don't. And he goes, she said, I was already raped before. That was a different one. Yeah.

He did it. He would always almost rape them. And then they would go, I was already raped before. I've already this happened to me in my life and he's like okay i won't like he said i don't want to retraumatize you yeah and then i'm gonna try that yeah i know that's exactly what i said to chris i go that's nice to have in my back pocket that that's like a thing you could maybe say to them where you're

like you're not gonna you i'm already rude not ruined but i'm already like traumatized by this like because yeah you're not gonna get the reaction away the joy of it for them because they want to be the one to like they want to ruin your innocence yeah they want i hate men i know and then he's been too late already um i was watching this last night i was like if you are a woman who gets through a whole lifetime without being sexually assaulted you have achieved something because it just seems every man is out there trying to do that this is like not every man but it's like every woman is susceptible to it it yeah and it feels like that watching these things but what he would do was

one time um he attacked this woman and uh got into her house late at night and then she begged him please don't write me and he like he like waited a second and he goes i house late at night and then she begged him please don't rape me and he like he like waited a second and he goes I can't do this and then he goes you really need to get a dog that would really help you from this happening again and he was like giving her advice and how to not get raped yeah and the police officer said

this is probably something that like he convinces himself now he's a good guy like maybe that, like, I don't, I hate that we have to come up with ways to like not get raped, but maybe giving them a way to be a hero.

Yeah. It's called undoing. It's a defense mechanism. What tell me? You do something bad. Like an example that I give in my classes is people with OCD do it a lot. You have obsessions. So you do compulsions to get undo it.

But an example is if a person like steals from work or something, then they will feel bad, but it's kind of like repressed. They're feeling bad. So they'll give a homeless person a dollar. And they'll be like, see, I'm a good person.

I'm taking, but I'm also giving. So you undo the bad thing by giving advice. That's why I do that. In this instance, the good thing was not raping her. I'm going to undo the trying to rape her by not raping her. And telling her to get a dog. We traumatized

her by breaking in her house and then he undid it by giving her advice how to not be traumatized. And he even said, I know you're going to be traumatized. I know this is going to fuck you up for a while. And I'm really sorry. You guys have got to watch American Nightmare. It's so I know this is going to fuck you up for a while, and I'm really sorry. And he's got this. You guys have got to watch American Nightmare. It's so good because there's so many twists and turns.

It's only three 45-minute episodes. It's not too much. They fly by. I really recommend it. We'll be back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.

You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, Ears Edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaking of Netflix, I'm finished with Love on the Spectrum Season 2, and it's incredible.

Connor is my favorite character. No spoilers. James is another one. He's the one that talks like this. And I, well, I do think that maybe we would be a good match, but she's a vegetarian. And in the scheme of things, it isn't that bad. And then Connor talks like this.

And he talks like he's in a movie all the time. He's so cute. And then Danny. I think episode seven of season two from Bestie Amanda. Can I read it to you? Yeah. Okay. Well, I guess it's not really a question.

It's a statement. I need Nikki to talk about the cupcake scene with danny and adan from love on the spectrum yeah danny is anya does a great impression of danny but she's talks like a cartoon character because she is obsessed with animation and she goes out with guys and she rejected this one guy because she was like, and what do you do for income? And does that make you income? She was like, I was on the last season. Yeah, she was on last season, too.

I haven't seen the new season, but I saw the last season. So I saw the clip. This couple weren't a couple last season or are they? They went out on a date last season. That's another reunited workout. Yes. or are they re they went out on a date last season that's another reunited work out yes and so now they're she's like i have been thinking about adam or what i think it's adam but they say it weird um i have been thinking a lot about him and i think i want to give him another chance and so they go out on another date and he um and then they they kind of, and then things are going well, and they share a kiss.

Oh. Uh-oh. And she's commenting to her aunt, who she lives with, that maybe his kissing wasn't the best, but it's something that he can work on and can grow from. And she goes to the library

and gets all these books about sex and like Tantra and like- Hell yeah. And she's like, should I- Sandy. I love her. Her aunt Sandy. She's like, Sandy, should I bring my books on my date? Because it's like, this is the next date where she's like should i sandy loves her her aunt sandy she's like sandy

should i bring my books on my date because it's like this is the next date where she's going to talk to him about premarital sex because he is catholic and she's worried that he won't have sex before marriage okay and she's like that's just not non-negotiable for me even though i don't think she's had sex before but so she goes to the date and the kiss the kiss they shared they're always sharing kisses on the show the kiss they shared wasn't ideal for her and so she goes on the date and she she asked him about premarital sex he is so flummoxed by it and like nervous but at first he's like i don't believe in premarital sex and then he realizes like he's gonna lose her and he's like i could be open to the idea and she like, that's all I I think that's a great idea. And so then and so then she's

satisfied. And then she's like, I brought some cupcakes. And I was kind of half paying attention. So I don't remember if we knew about what the cupcake plan was. But she was like, I brought some cupcakes. And he's very excited about the cupcakes can i just say before this like a date before this she oh god he's walking up to her like they're greeting for the first time she runs to him it's so cute she's excited to see him again and he has this ring on this big like silver square ring and she's like i like your ring and he's like oh you do take a look oh well please here you go and he pulls it off to like hand it to her. And she goes, thank you so much. And he's like, well, I'm not giving it to you.

He has to like reiterate that he's not. I don't think there's any worse feeling in the world than when you think someone's giving you something. And they're like, well, you can't have it. No, we don't have to say that. Yeah, I think that's the worst. I don't know what side I don't want to be on for. Yes. Oh, God.

I've done it so many times. I'm like, oh, it would look cute. And you're like, really? Thank you. I'm like, no, I don't want to be on more. Yes. Oh, God. I've done that so many times. I'm like, oh, it would look cute on you. And you're like, really? Thank you. I'm like, no, I just meant you could look at it. And so he's like, well, I'm not. It's not yours. I'm not parting ways.

And then he's like, but I did make you this. And it's like an identical ring. But I guess it's a little bit uglier. And she goes, oh, thank you. Well, it does remind me of you because not everything's perfect. Oh, shit. He's not even offended. He's like, thank you.

They're so good. And then they go on these goddamn swan boats and they're having fun. And then they share a kiss and it's not ideal. So the next day she brings up these cupcakes and she tells him, you know, a really good way to practice kissing is to use a cupcake because you have to use your tongue and uh you lick it and then you like she's just telling him like let's she's pretty much saying like let's practice kissing like let me teach you how to kiss by making this like a fun thing i heard about that people do and so he just wants to eat the cupcake. And she's like, well, biting's not ideal. And so they are on this park bench in public.

And she is full on making out with this cupcake and trying to show him and explain it to him. And it's so funny because he's awkward at first. Like you can tell he doesn't want to do it, but's just likes her so much that then he buys into it and then he calls her teach at one point which is so funny because he goes how am i doing teach yeah that's hot it's so hot because he acknowledged that like she's kind of being a little bit bossy and he's a little not loving it but it just was a way to acknowledge it it was just so cute but i just love like what to acknowledge it. It was just so cute, but I just love... What would I do if I was dating a guy and I hated the way he kissed? I don't think I'd have the balls.

Not that it even takes balls. You just have to forcibly push their tongue around until they do it right. Or you stop seeing them. Then you let all this connection go because you don't have the courage to tell someone. If we could have a cupcake at her disposal cupcake the good thing about people with autism is that and i don't think this is a blanket statement

but i think that they aren't not only are they not scared to tell the truth when they receive the truth about themselves they're not as horrified as yeah it doesn't have as much neurodivergent people yeah they don't like attach that much meaning to it. They're like, this is one thing and there's other things going on in my life. They don't like focus all of their energy on it like we do. They don't, they're not like, this means I'm a stained person and that I'm horrible.

And so they can suffer a little bit of embarrassment. Like for instance, Connor is at this speed dating thing and each, you know know he'll go like well um how do you feel about nature and the girl will be like well i'm kind of more of a city gal and he just like clicks and writes an x while she's sitting there under no and and you see whether it's edited that way you see her look at it and i've told this before but um but the guy steps in and goes hey you might want to wait till they're gone before you this and he is horrified when that happened when he's like oh no i knew i'd screw it up but he doesn't like it doesn't totally ruin his

life like for me if someone called out something that you've done this thing wrong twice in a row to two different people and might have hurt their feelings. I would feel so bad about it. I'd have to like leave. And they seem to just be able to roll with it. I'd be horrified. I'd have to like apologize or something too. Yes. So much work. Yes.

And they apologize. But I think a lot of their, it's just so fascinating because they, like I was telling an example to a friend last night, trying to sell them on the show and I'm like it's just the honesty is so refreshing like like if they're if they are on a date with someone and then they were to the person was to smell bad they've learned enough from going to therapies and different teachers that like it is rude to tell someone they smell bad like they've

learned that they don't just like they know it from a rule that they read their parents were like don't say that again they're like okay i can change um that's how we all learn it maybe but for some reason it seems like they're adhering to some kind of code that it's not like it's not just natural for them to keep things inside well we take that we have social cues and we we are able to acknowledge like unspoken. I feel like they need to be told the rules and then they follow the rules if they want. Yes. They don't have natural pragmatism. They have to be informed. But they might make a face.

If something smells bad, they might be like. Or they'd be like, I tried this really good deodorant. Maybe I'll bring it to you. Yeah, they're passive but not aggressive. It's sweet. It's like, it's just, they're so, this show is amazing

because it just highlights so many of the awkward things that happen in dating anyway. And they just kind of sit in it and it just, I don't know, it's so lovely. Or just address it immediately instead of,

we would have to, on a normal dating show, we'd be like, oh, he seemed offended, but they would never admit it. And we'd have to be trying really hard to figure out what's going on. Wait, what do you mean?

In a regular dating show, if somebody's offended, we're like, ooh, she said something, he looked offended. Did you see him wince or whatever? But in this show, it's like,

I'm quite offended by that comment. Yes. It makes everything so clear. Another thing I realized, which I think is not just people with autism, but if you watch these shows, they don't seem to care. I want to be delicate when I say this

because I don't want to make... I think this is about human nature. I think you can get a better idea of how humans really want to be and how we are in our natural state from studying people who are um neurodivergent because they're not subscribing to all these social norms that are like keeping us in the cages of like being normal or whatever so and adhering to like this is the way i have to sit this is the way i have to act and so they're

just human they're very human and so I found that on these dates, I don't know if you could give me an example of a single date either on Love on the Spectrum or Down for Love where they actually care about what the other person is saying. I didn't even know that's Down for Love. Oh my God. They ask questions because they know it's polite

but they don't ever really care or listen. And they sometimes follow up because they've learned to go tell me more about that. But I don't ever really they don't care or listen and they sometimes follow up because they've learned to go tell me more about that but i don't think they actually care what the other person is saying and and like they'll go like that's interesting but i and maybe they do i don't want to be genuine but i think i they all i don't think autistic people don't care about what other people because that's what you could maybe glean from this because you go it's it's almost like they just want to talk about how many dinosaurs they know they don't care about what other people because that's what you could maybe glean from this because you go it's it's almost like they just want to talk about how many dinosaurs they know they don't

really care about your favorite dinosaur right but the truth is i think no one cares what other people think and any sincere interest is it's kind of phony it's just like social inhibitions that we have that they don't have and i'm like i'm interested in people i do ask about people and be like oh my god like i've my friend i've that i've been um working with this week i found out his parents have both died and i was just like tell me about like what is that like and i was fascinated and what he went through and everything and i'm like was that phony of me to ask that but it what did i really care what he went through or am i asking for myself because i'm scared what's gonna happen is everything self-motivated is everything trying to get like yeah is about me yes i think it depends what the fuck dude it depends on the

person it depends on the relationship you have with the person like some people are like imagine you're in love i mean i guess it is still self-motivated like if you're infatuated with someone you have a crush on someone, then you want to know everything about them at all times. Maybe that's self-motivated because you're like using that information to get them to like you. Yeah, or you want to like, you look up to people and you want to know how you can be more like them. I mean, I think that's what life is all about. But I think the motivation versus are you interested in what they have to say is two different things.

Like you could be. And also, we just don't know what these what these kids are thinking on the inside. Like they could be seen. They could seem like they don't care. But actually, they're like registering this 100 percent. And also, I want to point out that you do learn a lot from about autism from watching shows like this. But this is also like the also like they were casted. Like there was, I want to see,

there was probably like dozens and dozens of people who interviewed for this show who got rejected because for various reasons. So like, I don't think all autistic people act like the people on this show. These are like the best of the best. These are like, oh, this is kind, sweet like the best of the best. These are like, oh,

this is kind, sweet. There's probably like Jeremy, who's an autistic asshole who didn't get on the show because he kept, you know, cursing at the people who are interviewing him and stuff. Yeah. They're not all these gentle.

Everything's fine. Well, I mean, they kind of, there's a spectrum. They kind of are. Yes. But anyone I've worked with is autistic.

There's got to be some autistic assholes out there. I got to say, Down syndrome people, people with Down syndrome, I got some DMs because I said this before, I'm sure there's some really mean people with Down syndrome and people that know a lot about it are like, not really.

It's not a thing. It's not like they don't have the ability to be assholes. Because what makes us assholes? That they don't have. Developmental stuff. Yeah. Like, trauma that is being processed and making us, like, bitter and stuff. They don't, like, they're developed, both autism and Down syndrome are developmental disorders.

So something got kind of stuck in some place and then they don't develop. But isn't Down syndrome more like genetic? Yeah, chromosomal. But it makes it so that you cannot progress past certain levels developmentally. One of my favorite moments of this season

of Love on the Spectrum is there's this guy I forget his name. He's the one that has a really big mouth and he talks like this and he's excited all the time. He gives people high fives. He's like, isn't that great? That's going to be great.

And he's like so excited all the time. And he's Southern. He lives in Clemson, South Carolina. And his whole, his whole thing is like, I bring joy to the world. And that's kind of like,

I was wondering at first when he starts saying that, like, is this a thing you like to do? Or is this a thing people have told you that you are you know like i think some people when they have a disability their parents in the community can be like all you do is spread joy and that can kind of become what they are about even though they have so much more going on than that and but then i'm like no this guy seems to be really jazzed all the time high-fiving everyone so excited to see everyone remembers everyone's name like loves his life it's just happy for everyone so so sweet but then he has this moment with um the the the woman that it's like helping these people learn how to date and is talking to them about now where would you stand if you were walking at the zoo with someone that

you were dating? He's like, oh, I'd stand in front. I'd stand in front. And she goes, OK, let's see what that would look like. And then he walks in front. She goes, now, what's wrong with this? Is there is it can I see you right now? And he goes, no, you can't see me, ma'am.

You can't see me. And she's like, well, maybe it would be better if we stood next to each other. Now, how does this feel? And so she's she's coaching him. And then she gets on the phone with him and she's talking about he's he has this moment where his face kind of like looks a little worried and she goes what's going on are do you seem are you seem nervous or you seem like you're thinking about something he's like i'm just scared i'm just scared um that i i might not have anything to say that and that's

a big fear with all these uh people is that they're gonna run out of things to say which is so normal because that is i really relate to love on the spectrum because i am someone who if you listen to my podcast during the covid and the not safe podcast i was really worried about going on dates because i'm like what if i have to like i have to like marry them if i go out on a date like i i like Connor. Connor has this thing where he says yes on a scorecard for speed dating. He's like, now I must be married to her for life and we will be buried next to each other. He's jumping so far ahead. But I totally relate to that. And his family is all like, Connor, dude, this is just about meeting someone.

Meeting someone. You don't need to. This isn't going to be the girl you marry. It doesn't have to be that. But I'm like, I used to jump to that too. So I really related to that. But she says to him, he's like, I'm really worried I'm not going to have anything to say. And she's like, well, that's okay.

You can be quiet. You know, like just because you're not talking doesn't mean you're not having a good time. You guys can sit in silence together. and he's like okay okay and she goes um is there a part of you that feels like you always have to be happy and smiling he's like yes ma'am yes there is yes there is and it's just like all of a sudden this like this they peeled back this layer of him and she was like um i'm sensing that is it true that if if you don't he might even have said it that if he's not smiling all the time people will think he's mad and like for some reason that to him is so scary that someone could think he was mad

and boy i think everyone can relate to that of like if you if i'm not participating in the conversation lively and i'm not smiling and like laughing, people might get people. Everyone might assume I'm mad. And it's like I sometimes have to like fake it just so people don't just so I don't become a focus of attention. Like Nikki's mad because I do think people sometimes don't smile and don't laugh and don't participate in conversation because they want everyone to know that they're mad. Yes. And I don't want that. Sometimes I just don't have the energy. You don't want to look because they want everyone to know that they're mad. Yes, and I don't want that. Sometimes I just don't have the energy for it. You don't want to look like you want attention.

Yes, so sometimes you have to get it up because you're like, I just don't want to be someone who looks like that. So all these struggles that they have are so relatable. And I love on the dates when they just talk about like, what are you looking for in a partner? And they're just like, do you want a handsome boy? And she's like, yes.

She's like, do you want a partner that talks a lot? Yes. Do you want someone who likes cupcakes? Yes. And they just fire off these questions, but they're asking for validation that they are liked in this moment. And it's just so honest and so sweet.

And it really does make you think like, man, if I had a big family, i'd want one of my kids to be autistic because it makes everyone so empathetic like and this isn't every family and you're right they'd hand selected like these families to be really examples of amazing families that these people grew up with yeah but connor's family for instance like the cool daughter who's like 19 and hot and then the son who's like 22 and just like a total like Georgia hot college guy they're both

like you would think that they would be like so TikTok checked out but they're both so emotionally involved and like in touched by their older brother who's autistic and they're just so there's so much more down to earth and mature than i think they would be if they didn't have that i think it's good for

a family i thought this was that's about people with down syndrome uh in nasa and they're it's a new reality show um well just to uh burst you know like i feel like sometimes i come in and i take a pin and i just pop it a bubble come on in so uh you know the thing with with families and autistic kids i have a friend and um he has two sons with like really severe autism and the you know like the difficult side of that is that he and his wife have to live in two separate homes with each son and the sons you know they have like well at least the one that i met has um uh verbal difficulties and um in schools and stuff with teachers only now and he's i think he's a senior in high school he can be with the teacher alone because he would have violent

outbursts. And like the dad has shown me the bruising and everything. And it's not like malicious. It's just, you know, how this kid copes and stuff. So yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying. Yeah.

It's a spectrum. And they're putting people that are high up on the spectrum on the show. Yes. They're not showing the horrifying parts of it. When I was growing up on Long Island, my neighbor lived in a little house. He was autistic and he had a wife

and every few years he would beat his wife. And we knew that he beat his wife because he had a pattern where he would beat his wife and then he would strip down naked and then he would walk around town. And whenever this guy was walking around town naked, we knew he just beat his wife because then he would strip down naked and then he would walk around town and whenever this guy was walking around town naked we knew he just beat his wife because then you could go back to his house and his wife would be there and then just one time uh and he would he used to throw uh potatoes over the fence into my yard to try to get my dog to eat the potatoes and we asked him

to stop and then he and then he did stop and then he started throwing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches over the fence and we said no it applies to all foods please don't but then one day um he beat his wife his wife called the police um he was stripping down naked and then the cops came to his house and he tried to take one of the cops guns and so then he uh went to jail after that and um they had to move out of the house and then the house was knocked down but uh that guy then he looted it that guy yeah and then i took his but that guy's not gonna be on love on the spectrum anytime soon no he's not there's like a there's bad it's just it's a heartwarming show and it makes me really like love love the idea of family and and just yeah, it's just and and love and also it just is it's a study in human nature. And then I turn on American Nightmare and I'm like, what the fuck is this shit?

I mean, that's just like God. I thought I you know what? I was almost glad about it because I think we've gotten away from this like believe all women thing like i think in in recent years i think there was a an influx of like if a woman says she's raped let's just trust her by default and then there was like a backlash to that again and now i think this show is like showing again like can we just just start believing women because it's insane that this girl is not believed about being raped. Like there's trigger warnings all over this thing if you are an assault victim. That's why I allegedly steal cop cars to get back.

But then there's a happy ending. There's good things about this. It's pretty wild how quickly that came and went. I feel like we believed women for like two and a half years. you feel like that too it really went away there's another thing on netflix about that um i can't remember what it's called but uh it's about a girl and then it goes into lots of different stories about women that aren't believed and prosecuted for lying about rapes that were actually committed on them so they get in trouble for admitting it. Oh my god.

I don't think I can watch it because I'll get too mad. No, I could get too mad. Can you imagine if you were, and we're not even like assault victims, like we don't have that, I can speak for myself, I don't have that history and even I was just like enraged last night watching this. And I was just like, it's just like,

being a woman, at KU? Remember Kirsten had a boyfriend whose email address was enraged last night watching this and i was just like it's just like being a woman at ku remember kirsten had a boyfriend whose whose email address was enraged at ku.com so whenever i hear the word enraged i think enraged at ku god i i wonder if my old college email address is what's going on cryptkeeper is hot at hotmail.com i hope is not taken that was yours for a while that was my email address till i was like 26 and then i was like guess i should change it i've mine was dave matthews is hot but it looks like dave matthews i shot no my friends thought it was cryptkeeper i shot yeah yeah that's what it does look like but i had that for a while ours were. Ours were another Mickey Rooney and 321. Oh, yeah.

An AOL. Because I know a Conan bit. That was like our joint account. All right, let's get a break. Okay. No, never mind. No, never mind. I can't wait.

Okay, well, we'll find it out when we get back from the break. We'll find out. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Brian, what was your first, what was your weirdest email address? It wasn't weird. It was goldenslumbers31 at AOL.com.

Because of the song? Because of the song, my favorite Beatles song. And I just, an embarrassing moment. There was probably the most popular girl in my high school. We were on AIM. And there's another, I'm Brian.

And there's another kid in my high school class also named brian and his last name is golden so his name is brian golden and my my address was my name name was golden slumbers 31 which is confusing to people in my high school but then one day i just worked up the courage to aim instant message the most popular girl in um my school and i said hey and brian and i and she thought golden brian golden and she was like who is this and i said this is brian and and she and then she talked to me thinking i was brian golden the whole time um and i actually think that they started dating but um because of you i did that thing like do you i did that stupid thing that people do when they're in high school and they're uh losers and they go guess who this is they go hey what's up hey what's up so embarrassing hey dot dot dot who is this and i was like yes oh you still remember

the dot dot dot i know you remember every part of that and then she's like was there anyone brian golden and i was like no because i said my name i said it's brian she's a brian golden i was I know you remember every part of that. Was there anyone? Brian Golden. And I was like, no. Because I said my name. I said it's Brian. She said Brian Golden. I was like, no. Eventually.

But then it made me realize that, oh, wait, I am. This is confusing. Did you hand it? They thought you were 31. Right. It would be like if someone named Nikki in your high school had an AIM name that was like Glazer Rocks 301 or something. Yes. So.

But did you have any, like when you would go through that and you have this AIM conversation and you're like thinking so much about it and you remember exactly the hey dot dot dot and like, did you have guy friends that you would like call and be like, man, I just, I am, you know, I just AIMed this girl. No, I think that was just an am you know i just a i am no i think that was just an embarrassment process it alone that was an embarrassment really sad for people who don't have never share things about yeah like there's rarely something embarrassing that happens to me that i can't share with someone i like get on the girl's shirt immediately i'm like i pooped my pants immediately immediately there's a place to go where everybody knows your name. I took my shot and I lived with the consequences until today and where I shared it with you.

Well, so how did you realize that she thought you were the other Brian? Because she said, Brian Golden. And I said, hopefully. Exactly. He was much more popular than me at the time. I think we kind of evened out eventually. Not anymore. He was much more popular than me at the time. I think we kind of evened out eventually. Not anymore. He was much more popular than me.

He surfed. He skateboarded. I think he was on the football team. Oh, he was a golden boy. And I was just like, I got rejected. His screen name was Frangie Sleeps 33. Don't sleep on this one. That was the year I got rejected from the high

school improv team which was dissolved and then i was also rejected from the volleyball team the men's volleyball i tried out for the men's volleyball team um the first year and the first year i tried out it was a walk-on team like you could just join the team because no men wanted to be on the team this isn't california this is new york there's not men's volleyball so they were just like if you want to play men's volleyball go ahead i guess and so it's not even like a coach there's no go ahead wear short shorts so i went and i and i went to the open, just walk on. And they decided that year for the first year they were going to do cuts. And they cut two people, me and this other guy, Seth Levy, who is, you know, Seth Levy looks like what you would imagine a nerdy guy who wouldn't get cut from the that would get cut from the volleyball team would look like. Yeah.

And you're a tall guy were you tall then I was pretty tall and then the next year I think Seth Levy made the team if I'm pretty sure and I was the only one that got cut how do people survive this shit I don't know and then well that's what I survived it by doing

the musicals I moved on I said sports I can't make the basketball team I can't make the volleyball team I guess I'm gonna be in musicals i i moved on i said sports i can't make the basketball team i can't make the volleyball team i guess i'm gonna be in musicals yeah that's kind of yeah i wasn't good at sports but i wanted to do sports because my friends did it and i wanted to just hang out with my friends that's why i did field hockey and then all my friends made varsity and i was still jv i just didn't want to do it anymore i had a horrible shins once too i like couldn't walk oh my god and then that's when i auditioned for plays and i wasn't even getting yeah you carried me when i had horrible i couldn't walk with i know it was

you were like screaming i was like i couldn't even it was wild what happened to me with my shin splints what is that does your like your bone have a little like there's yeah the slice it gets when you slap your foot down i had like anterior shin splints so when your foot slaps down when you're running that muscle gets like stretched too much and it's oh you know it just gets overstretched and it's almost like i thought it was like the bone oh it's not the inflammation to the tendons yeah it's like tendonitis on your shins and it was i had a bit both and it was horrible but i loved it because you could push on it and like hurt it and it felt so it hurt to walk but when you push on it but if you ran with

shin splints didn't hurt walking horrible it would go away it's almost like my foot pain pain when i'm wearing high heels on stage i don't feel it at all and then the second i stop on the stage it starts hurting it's so strange um but i i remember i auditioned for the diary of ann frank and i really thought i was gonna get it i thought i was gonna get the legal yeah i could wear wig yes i i knew i was gonna get it and not only did i not get it i got jewish townsperson oh my god b and that's i think actually that's when i went back to field hockey. I was going to leave field hockey. Then I went to Jewish Townsperson B. You had the opposite experience as me.

And my, yeah, my joke was that the position I played for field hockey was Jewish Townsperson B. That's how it felt. Like I was always just like, I just wanted to be benched the whole time. I just wanted to wear the skirts, have fun. Skirts were kind of cute. You know that tape that they use that's foam wrap that they wrap over injuries? We used to take that

and tie it and make it a hairband. That was the hippest. That is so on brand for Nikki Glaser. Nikki Glaser is riding the bench. That's what she wants to do. I loved it. You don't want to play in the game, but you love sitting there. You're a part of it. I don't want balls coming at me i have to like do something with it and all the attentions on me

and i'm going to let down a whole team now if it's me and the ball alone yeah let me figure out how to do this it's all me i'm not you can't compare me to anything actively i like solo sports i like swimming i like running i want to be alone i don't want other people to depend on me and i don't and i would like to depend on others but i don't i don't't want other people to depend on me and I would like to depend on others but I don't want them to have to depend on me you get to go to the pasta party before the game you go to Pizza Hut after the game you get to ride the bus together

and then you get to the game and you don't have to do anything and you get to be done at some point you get to be done riding the bus was so fun no seatbelts swim practice going into people's lockers The bus was so fun. Those seatbelts. I missed out on that. Swim practice, going into people's lockers during swim practice.

Oh yeah, we just robbed people's lockers. Stealing things. Not even stealing things, just stealing photographs that they had. We stole cowboy hats one time, I remember. Oh, we did? Yeah, we wore them all around town.

You were a really bad influencer. You would open up the locker and be like, but you left your flashlight on. That's why I went in there. But the rejection, the constant fucking rejection of being bad at everything you try. You gotta be told. It wears you down. It wears you down, but it also forges greatness.

I mean, you need to be slammed down again and again. And most of those people will just dwindle and languish if i wouldn't have found stand-up what would i i could have i was just throw i couldn't do any there was nothing else for me to do i was not good at anything i was not exceptional you're very smart you could do lots of smart things but i didn't i didn't none of them were impressive to people and i wasn't that smart i really i was i got a's and B's I wasn't I couldn't get straight A's do you know how many background actors you could have been genius oh just imagine all the TV and movies you could have done in the background all the the townspeople B's I could

have been and I just would have I don't know what I would have done but it's just that that like just feeling like you're you're like yesterday I cried in my voice lesson because I'm like, I am so tired of being average in here. Like I'm so tired of not being exceptional in any part of this process. There's not even one part of singing that I'm good at, that I'm just a natural at. Like, whoa, you got that under control. But I try so hard. And that's the problem. It's like, it's just not clicking for me.

And I cried. And he was really nice about it. And he always lets me cry in there because it often comes out in there. And he, because I was going into, final thought, I was, I have to, I'm writing a song and performing a song for my special that's going to go at the end of my special because, yeah, you didn't know this.

No. What happened? So I was going to like pick a song, but to even, so there's no budget left. Like we've used all the money and so there's no money left.

So anything would come out of my pocket to even check on how much a song is going to be. It's $800. So that's out of my pocket to even go like, wow, can I use this song? That's insane it's eight hundred dollars so that's out of my pocket to even go like wow can i use this song that's insane for what part of that cost eight hundred

just i have no idea it's just a charge so they can make more money and then you find out it's going to be thirty thousand dollars so it's eight hundred dollars to find out it's going to be thirty thousand dollars which i'm not spending thirty thousand dollars on a song i'm just not going to do it no so then i was like okay well maybe I can use one of Anya's songs, one of Matt Pond's songs, but if they cut me a deal, it's going to be 10,000, you know,

like, I'm sorry, just don't have that money to toss around. And it's at the end of the thing. It's not as, you know, important as like the first song. So I was like,

oh, I said to Chris, like, what if I like write a song and like record it? That'll only cost me a couple thousand to produce it. And if I write it myself, I don't have to pay myself to do that. And, was like yeah i mean if you want to do that but i could and then we just put the pieces into motion and um called his brother tim who is uh you know in

the band ludo and um knows a ton of music people and he knows this you know pop because i wanted to be like a pop song so he knows this pop producer from Chicago named Dan Monahan he's in a band called the dog and everything dog and everything and they're kind of a popular do you remember that band kind that sounds really familiar was it 90s it's like

a mid aughts early 2000s into like later 2000s so and they're still together so anyway he flies down to st louis we're in the recording studio all week i they're like it's gonna be easy just come in we'll write a song and i'm like what i don't i have no idea i can't just like show up and this is like you know i'm paying someone for their time so i'm not gonna waste someone's time of being like so i just want to need to write a song.

Like, what do you guys have? And I, and I want to control it. So I kind of like came up with something to bring in. Anyway, we write this song and, um,

and yesterday we were getting into more of it. And so I went to a voice lesson to like prepare to sing it. And in this voice lesson, I'm just like, I just don't even deserve to be making this song. And he's like, you need to stop this. And I was, I'm just like, I just don't even deserve to be making this song. And he's like, you need to stop this. It's really interesting advice because it's just like, it's not like, where do you think this fear is coming from?

What does this fear represent? He was just like, you need to flip a switch and stop it. Like, it's just, he goes, you just need to, you just have to, there's no other choice. Like you don't, you have to, you have to choose to stop feeling that way. You have to choose to believe that you deserve this and that this is what you

need to do. And it's not really that, it's not really that complicated. You just got to do it. Like you got to do anything. Like you got to show up for work. Like you got to make your plane, even though you're tired, like you just have to do it and so it was just like

this I don't know how he really got to me but for some reason a thing flipped where it was just like it's not and then I was watching all these TikToks and there's been an influx of reels about I guess Tony Robbins was on the Theo Vaughn podcast and

he was like did you see that clip of like, look around the room? He tells him to look around the room and look at everything yellow. Make a document of everything yellow in this room. Okay? Alright, now close your eyes. Now, if I told you to tell me everything that's red in this room, could you tell me? No, I can't think of even one thing.

Okay. So, now look around. Look at all the red things, okay? There's hints of red now the what that proves is if you're looking for it you'll find it if you're if your story you're telling you're about yourself is i'm shit you're gonna find evidence of that all the time now if you're looking for evidence that i'm great you're gonna find that everywhere and when you're looking at at red how many things are you kind of like well that's maroon but i'm gonna say it's red just so i can have another red thing so you're gonna not only take pink but it's kind of a shade of red

so what you'll do if you like look at the world of like let me find evidence i'm great you'll think you'll you'll take even things that aren't that great and you'll amplify them just to find evidence so it's like it was just a good little reminder of like just act as if but then it's like you feel so stupid uh like pretending and then you start to like compare and you you can't compare but why can't you compare of course you can compare there are people that are better but then people go well some people don't even some people don't want to hear a perfect voice sometimes people want to hear a fucked up voice and it's like i know that but like most people want to hear a good voice right yeah it's the smart person's dilemma is you're too smart you're too smart to to accept things like that that'll make you happy

you really need to learn the art of pretending to be stupid you have to just be stupid and then you will stop questioning that tony robbins thing and you will just be happier smart people need to pretend to be stupid that's all it is it's just learn to be stupid and stop questioning everything and stop figuring out reasons why the things are the way they are and yeah because i i i appreciate your my problem that you're saying my problem is I'm too smart but like I have been doing this thing recently where I call it robot mode where if I'm so overwhelmed

by a feeling or like feeling this despair or feeling bad about myself or hating myself I'm like turn into a robot and just do what a robot would do I need fuel I need to sleep I need to sleep. I need to sit. Like I was on a plane

and I was about to like, I was in a really cramped seat and I was about to fire off an email being like, why am I in boarding group C and all these things? And then I was just like, a robot wouldn't care about their seat.

They would just like be, they're just a room. My Roomba doesn't go like, I can't believe I have to fucking do this today you know it just is like i'm a robot so yeah i love a robot like god damn it can you pick up your fucking cereal once i think the next model got a little indignant about um but yeah like i think there's something to that of like just make your robots obviously are there's an intelligence to them but there's not like an emotionality so like turn it off be more robotic don't feel everything but then some would

argue that that feeling is going to go somewhere and it's going to fucking you're going to have to deal with it yeah but that's creativity also so you don't want to deprive yourself of your your feelings because that's yeah but in a moment of like in a moment of a red eye and fly eight hours to get you turn into talking about the songwriting process yeah the song thing though like the robot thing is like i'll turn into a songwriting robot like songwriting robots do not feel they do not have self-awareness of like you've never done this before they're not like focused on like this is the first time you've done this so even like three out of four of your best friends sing better than you do uh like you uh you're you have to pay people

to even want to do this with you because you're such a joke you're uh your bob saget song got made fun of so much this is gonna get made fun of too like i have to turn off all of the robot would not take that data and make robot just make song. I make, I'm song robot and you just do it. And, and it's so tough. And writing songs is cool because it's better than writing jokes. It's,

it's harder. I think we talked about this before, but now there's a song that exists, a full song that didn't exist two days ago. And I will know it forever because you don't forget. You don't forget songs like you forget jokes like I forget jokes. I told on a special ago. I'm like, oh, I don't watch myself sometimes.

I'd be like, how is this one going to end? And I have no fucking clue, but I'll never, ever forget the song. It's like this thing just came out of nowhere it's like i'm an engineer that developed a built a computer like it just feels like um that's a really cool thing i don't know what if you were making like hundreds and hundreds of songs that like do you remember the song you sung on f boy no that's a song if you started singing it i would probably be able to pick it up. But yeah, I also think before I mean, if you have the musical talent to play an instrument,

I think performing music is easier than performing comedy because you're not reliant on the audience's reaction for. I mean, people could be talking over your musical set and it's like kind of normal. But comedy, you have to like engage with the audience and get and get it. And you're trying to elicit a specific response from them. And that's scary. It's so when I go to my dad's gigs, people talk the whole time. No one's paying attention.

It literally is like just music playing in an elevator like no one gives it. And it's this guy singing. And it's like people don't just sit and listen to music unless it's like background noise but if you were performing in the same places that my dad is and you're a comedian and people are talking over it it would be you would look insane

and it would be so embarrassing and my dad definitely feels it and is just like oh they were talking a lot like and it bums him out a little bit but it's not like I had the worst show ever whereas if people are talking that much during a comedy show you there is not if people don't listen to you there's nothing you would start yelling at them that's what you try imagine if your dad started he was playing hey shut up i heard of you on dates you know but i'm really

excited about the song is a fucking bop it's so fun it's like uplifting but it's depressing and it's like it's everything that i wanted to be it it might be the exact now that you're thinking thinking about it i'm like i think i maybe used the same melody as the f-boy song but i mean i wrote that i don't think i did but like that's the problem with writing songs is like you are like this is another song like this sounds too catchy that this can't be something that i stole yeah how are they not all taken like every melody how has it not already been done i know and i i sent them like three different taylor show songs where i'm like i think this is what i think i stole this from her and they're like no it's just like you're inspired by her but this isn't this isn't the same thing

anyway like three blind mice that's just hot cross buns and twinkle twinkle little star is happy birthday or something right yeah it's all like the same chords no no no no it's tinkle twinkle little star it's oh a b c d e f g yeah what the fuck isn't that crazy everyone's nothing else is the birthday song because that song's hell that the birthday song oh yeah the birthday yeah that is hell yeah hell you can't sing that actually is that allowed now that you can sing happy birthday it is yeah it's um i think it's like with mickey mouse it's public domain now finally years you couldn't say it on tv or something no birthday on tv is that what you're saying yeah for

until like a couple years ago it became um a very litigious family. It became, yeah. Yeah, they would sue you if you sang Happy Birthday. Yeah, the birthdays. The birthday family. Losers. Yeah. I hope they're dead now because I can say they're losers.

Public domain. I was thinking this is maybe one of the, this is a controversial thing, but I was thinking when we were talking about buying music to do for my special, I was like, you know what I could do to do for my special, I was like, you know what I could do probably? Twinkle, twinkle.

No, this is nuts. And Swifties, don't get mad at me. I'm just saying if I were an evil person, this is what I would do. I could probably buy an original Taylor Swift song from Scooter Braun for very cheap because no one's listening to those, the original versions. The non-Taylor's version. It's sacrilegious to even consider listening to the originals because she doesn't own them and she redid them all

and we don't need those anymore. Like, they're done. But I could probably buy them for nothing. And I could have a Taylor Swift original song in my special for very cheap. But then you'd be boycotted, wouldn't you? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But it's just funny that I could. And it would be the most...

I don't know. The greatest artist of all time. I could have... I can't even afford a song from an artist you've never even heard of because they're $30,000. But I could probably get a Taylor Swift song for a couple grand from Scooter Braun because no one's using them. No one. And he would probably sell it to me just to spite her.

Scooter for one. But that's just, I find it to be very interesting that that could be the case, that you could have the most famous singer-songwriter on the planet have one of their songs for very cheap. If you go about, if you pretty much- If you have no scoops. You want to loot. Yeah, but i would never even do that but it's just funny that you could the

opportunity is there it would be legal that's wild i don't know which one i would use if it's for sale and we don't know how much it's gonna cost i mean or they would charge a lot you would think they would show up in like commercials and stuff like and stuff. There's evil people out there who would love to leverage a Taylor Swift song. I think they could get away with it. If a single, no, the Swifties, no. If it spread around that AT&T was using blank space from the original 1989, it would be, I mean, Taylor, it would be over. Their stock would drop. It would be horrible. But what about the, it would be over like their stock would drop like it would be horrible.

But what about the radio? Don't they play the old ones? They shouldn't anymore. The radio sounds the same as ever when it comes on. Well, they all sound the same. I don't know the new ones. All the new ones sound the same. They sound exactly the same.

Her voice is more mature and arguably a lot better. But she really she got all the same musicians, did everything exactly the same, which is the amazing part about it. Yeah. All right. That's all I have to say. We gotta go.

I gotta go record this song that I'm excited for people to hear. And I hope I get to play it at shows and stuff. It'll be so fun. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We're gonna be at the Super Bowl next week. I'm excited about that. But we have some shows for you before then. Don't worry about it. I're going to be at the Super Bowl next week. I'm excited about that, but we have some shows for you before then.

Don't worry about it. I am going to be on tour again in March. I'm taking February off. I'm also going to the Grammys this week. Wow. Hosted by Trevor Noah. I'm not going to. I could go to the Grammys, but I got invited to Steven Tyler's Grammy party.

Oh, my God. Oh, wow. That I've heard is really cool. You have to take so many pictures. Get into his closet. Yeah. Get a scarf. I don't think it's at his house.

But I could be wrong. He's hosting it anyway. I got that invite because we had the same vocal cord surgeon. That's so funny. That's a joke. I'm just flying to LA just for that party.

But I think I might, if Taylor Swift is performing at the Grammys, I'm going to try to go to the Grammys and then go to the party afterwards, but I think I just want to go to the party instead of the Grammys. Because the party is, I think the Black Keys are playing at the party. Yeah. Like, they have, like, huge performers. You get to talk to people.

Yes. But then again, you might be able to get a picture on the red carpet at the Grammys and that's, as you know, is worth more than, maybe you just go to the red carpet and then leave. I don't even think I can get on the red carpet at the Grammys. And that's, as you know, is worth more than... Maybe you just go to the red carpet and then leave. I don't even think I can get on the red carpet at the Grammys. I feel like they won't let me on. You have to have like a publicist get you on.

I mean, I don't know. And I feel out of place at the Grammys because I'm not as... Like, I just feel like, what are you doing here? So Trevor Noah is hosting the Grammys this year. Like, don't you feel like you're on the same level as Trevor Noah? He's the host. No, no. I'm not Trevor Noah level.

Someday. You won't sink to that level. No, someday I'll be able to host these shows. Someday I'll be as big as Joe Coy. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening. We'll see you next week. And Joe Coy.

How about Joker? What? No. Oh, still no. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

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