The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #42 Be Light About It

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

It's Nikki's birthday show and between you and her - she is looking forward to it and mainly loves today because she will get to go first. Andrew serenades Nikki with a birthday song and gets her the right kinda gift. They both warm up for karaoke later with some Machine Gun Kelly. You Heard It Here First - there are lots of celebrity roommates, swimming against the tide, bugs that buzz around and Nikki does care about Anna Faris' marriage advice. Lots of quickies in the Reddit Dump and Nikki goes easy on herself and tells Besties her birthday wishes in the Final Thought. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch,

Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Here's Nikki.

Yeah, hello out there, besties. How you doing this morning? Oh, it's my birthday and happy birthday to me. I'm 37. I want to acknowledge that it's a great day for everyone else. It's the thing is when you don't like your own birthday it bums people out who like your birthday and i don't not like my birthday because um i'm getting older like 37 is like the dopest age i could ever think of like it's actually the coolest number it's cooler than 36 i've been saying i'm 37 since probably the turn of the year because i just like you pretty much are if you think about it when you turn zero when you

are zero wait when you turn one the whole year you're saying I'm one but you're way no you're not saying that unless you're a baby who can like talk but like any age you say you're not that you're more than that so like I always round up, you know? So like I will start saying, oh, 38 is a little daunting. I can't go there yet. I will December 1st when it becomes, you know, 37.5. And then 0.5, I remember from elementary school is when you bump it up, right? So that's when I'll start saying 38 to people because let's just go there. It's like when I go on dating apps and I present, you know, less attractive pictures than me, then maybe I will show up on a first date.

I like to, you know, give people low expectations and then show up and they're like, whoa, she's at 38. Is this bitch 37 and a half? Because she looks looks it and then they're really wowed um no it's really nice i woke up i was supposed to wake up at 9 30 i definitely my alarm went off went back to sleep because i was having some good dreams and then woke up at 11 15 11 20 or something like that was supposed to start the podcast at 11 had no text from Noah or Andrew equals they were letting me be myself for my birthday and it was really nice and I woke up with like kind of like in a bizarro world like like because I'm just like don't I have things to do today and like why is no one everyone that I got you know I woke up to like so many texts

which if you're out there and you go bitch why are you complaining that so many people love you on your birthday or why are you even bragging I realize that it is a privilege and an honor to have so many people care about me that I get that many texts on my birthday a little daunting though to you know to write thanks blah blah blah because i try to make them personalized and i try to like say what they made me feel so i try to make right back to each person not just like a thumbs up but you know something personalized um i do uh tonight i'm supposed to go to dinner with my family and And then we are going to go do karaoke at this like karaoke room. Because all I really want to do on my birthday, because the one

privilege of my birthday that I love is that I get to be the center of attention and no one else gets a turn. Like you can be you get to go first on things like when it's your birthday party, you get to like play pin the tail on them. Fl flounder which is a game that my mom came up with when I had a little mermaid birthday party I get to go first it's my birthday um and for karaoke you know I love to sing and I don't feel that secure about it so it's never something that I'm like eager to take over and do wow I just found the longest arm hair it is crazy how much longer it is than my other arm hairs i thought it was like a piece of like a hair from my head that got caught on my arm that is a beaut all right well that's a that's a birthday surprise that i will keep i tried to

pull it out but it's like now i just want to grow it for luck um yeah so tonight I was supposed to go to a karaoke place with my sister her husband they were going to get sitters for the kids kids are just such a everything you want to do for yourself with your family involves a babysitter and finding a way to have the kids get there or you have to go to dinner at 11.30 a.m. so that you can, you know, it's so, Noah's laughing. It's not, there's nothing about it that's, I'm not even exaggerating. Like, and when you hang out with kids, it's the kids.

Like you don't have real conversations, which I don't care. I mean, like when I'm around the kids, I definitely give that up. But I'm someone who likes to cuss and have real conversations which I don't care I mean like when I'm around the kids I I definitely give that up but I'm someone who likes to cuss and have real conversations and that that take longer than 25 seconds to get off the ground when the when the kids are around you can talk about the weather and just very like very generalized like how was that thing oh it was good okay now I'm gonna go chase Poppy and pretend that I can't wait to chase her and that I can't catch up to her even though she runs very slow. And I'm lying that she's fast. I lie to children constantly. My no lying thing,

constantly lying to children. I am not a tickle monster. When she kicks me in the swing, it does not hurt. It does not send me flying back as far as they go. I'm inauthentic to children. I will not perpetuate the lie of Santa Claus though anymore. I will watch my parents and their parents do it, but I will not because I think it is one of the craziest things we do in our culture is lie about Santa to children. It really fucked me up. It made me not trust my parents.

I still don't trust them fully because of it. Because I flat out asked them time after time if Santa was real. And my dad's foot would shake. And I knew he was lying to me. And I go, it's okay if he's not real. I can take it. I was a very precocious sixth grader. It was time to tell me, dad.

That's an exaggeration. It was fourth grade. But I remember just being like, you got to let me know because I'm really holding strong to this in class. It's getting me a lot of enemies. I'm probably the only one in class who believes in Santa. But if it is real, dad, if he is is real i will keep this going and i will support i will be pro santa in my fourth grade class it really is like being a um you know a pro trumper

in a class of like just just being the outcast or what you know even wherever you are like i just got a lot of really nice notes about the theovan podcast that i was on and uh santino's podcast whiskey ginger although a lot of incels got mad at me for how i i was mean to andrew colin on that podcast and um that was the podcast of the day of the fight you guys where we made up so we went on that show and i've been getting a lot not a lot one guy really trolled me hard the other day being like You're such a bitch And I go i'm sorry someone in your life talks to you the way I talk to andrew i'm working on it And i'm trying to be better. I don't know specifically what I did. I go. I'm sorry your mom didn't love you enough I did my classic troll line

And then we got into it and I go what is specifically did I say to him? Can you give me a point in the episode? He goes, go read the comments on YouTube and you'll see how much everyone hates you. And I was like, not going to do that. But what was my point? My point is it's my birthday. And Noah, you made an amazing post for me, had all the greatest pictures of me. It almost was hurtful how good I looked in all those photos.

And it made me want to go get injections in my face again because those were all around the time I think I had um like lasers and like things put in my face and then Andrew took a video of me this morning where I'm crawling on the ground I didn't know I was being filmed until I look at the camera that is a true one I try not to lie on those, you know, where people fake like, I don't know I'm being filmed. I know most of the time, but sometimes I don't. I didn't know. And I look like I have Botox because my face is so puffy from just waking up. But no, that's just really my face.

I haven't had any worked on in so long. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I had a really good, but your post for me, Noah, was so long. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I had a really good, but your post for me, Noah, was so good. And, um, and then my other friend, I had another friend make a collage of, uh, pictures of us, you know, or a medley of pictures of us that I really loved because someone who's blocked me still follows her. And I know that that person will see it. And I look awesome in all the photos. And it reminds maybe that person that blocking me was probably a mistake of their life, you know, too late. Or is it? Yeah, I don't know. Easter fashion. So Easter fashion is the new stuff. Okay, so instead of saying Easter eggs, so those of you who are new

listeners or those of you who have been listening a long time and maybe don't know what the fuck we're talking about whenever we like hint at something that we can't tell you on air because of sensitive issues or it's something that's like foreshadowing something that we might tell you about later because there's a lot of things in this podcast that I mean truth be told whether you're a long-time bestie which means you've been listening for a month and a half or whatever it's been which thank you so much or you're someone who just got into it because someone turned you on to it or I don't know what um we call their easter eggs which are little secrets that later on will maybe make sense or if you can piece them all together you can

maybe figure out what I'm talking about and those of you who don't care about my personal life and what I'm or whatever we're trying to hide from you not we're not trying to hide it we're just not saying it overtly and so we'll say fashion egg because Andrew didn't remember easter egg the words so he said fashion egg once And I just said Easter fashion So I think that should be the new one because it's so And it just makes me think of like Pastel Frilly dresses that I used to have to wear

To church when we would go on Easter Because my mom thought maybe that would prevent Us from going to hell deep down in her heart Um So anyway tonight karaoke's not happening. The room is closed. So I'm trying to find out something else to do. My sister goes, what about an escape room?

And I go, my life is an escape room. Why would I? Do you know, putting my family in a room where you have to figure out how to get out and there are clues and things to read. And that is a nightmare for my family of like, let me read it. Well, you missed this part. What about over here? Julie, you're not going over there. Like, it's just a nightmare for my family of like, let me read it. Well, you missed this part.

What about over here? Julie, you're not going over there. Like, it's just a nightmare. So not going to do that. I just want to sing. I want everyone to have to watch me sing. I've been really practicing my don't speak since yesterday. I did a really good impression yesterday.

And then I went to drive yesterday, Noah, and I really worked on it. And it's really good now. And so I wanted to drive yesterday Noah and I really worked on it and it's it's really good now and so I wanted to bust that out tonight so I might go to the Funny Bone open mic which is in the Westport Plaza here in St. Louis is where I started comedy and I celebrated my 21st birthday there 16 years ago and I might go back to the same jazz and blues club that is connected to it because they do karaoke after I'm gonna text them and see if I can make it all about me if I can rent it out tonight so maybe that's an option but the truth is it's going to be a pain in the ass for my sister to get out there with her kids it's going to like make things hard I'm guessing they're not even going to go because they have

kids I just yesterday after I hung out after I got to lunch with my parents I went over to my sisters my parents are back in town because they parents, I went over to my sister's. My parents are back in town because their Greece trip got canceled because my dad's passport was expired in 45 days and they needed it to be 90 days. So they got sent back home and I got them two nights of a hotel in St. Louis so they could have a staycation. My mom is in the best mood. She's like, this is the best thing that ever happened to us. My mom is literally changing because of me.

And I don't mean to give it all. My mom is like changing because of me. And I don't mean to give it all. My mom is like this positive energy. Like she goes, Nick, I'm just happy. This is the happiest I've ever been. I got her a new car, which she deserves. I told her to stop feeling guilt, that accept things in life. Like people always say that when you change, you can't change other people. You just have to change yourself.

And then it rubs off on the people who love you. You don't like tell them what you're doing But they just start to notice and they start to like pick it up. I'm finally seeing it work on my mom who is 62 years old And she was just like happy yesterday. I had a really good talk with my dad. I went on a walk I I told my mom I needed to have a private talk with my dad, which i've legit never had I've never been like I have to talk to you about something. But something was really bothering me about our relationship.

And something that happened last week, it really affected me. I knew my dad didn't even notice because in the moment I kept it in because I didn't want to blow up because I was too emotional about it. I sat with it for a week, talked to many friends. And then yesterday I took my dad on a walk with the dogs left my mom at my apartment to judge how dirty it was she didn't but it was really dirty and then I got I said it was really hard for me to do but we were walking I was like dad can I talk to you about something that has been bugging me and we talked and then we like hugged on the street it was so lovely

so I'm really grateful for my life in my 37th year. Grateful for this podcast. I really am happy. I am grateful for the dog on my lap who was shaking before because he was just trying to be a little. My dog Luigi who I got back is dramatic sometimes. And he needs attention so sometimes he acts like he's sick and sad. And then I pet him and love him and then he gets still and he's just a little mushy boy now. I'm grateful for the show that I get to do today. And I'm grateful to open Andrew Collins present live on air that he has been trying to give me since the second he bought it because the boy has no patience.

He can't help it. He's I've never met someone so excited to give me things. This morning he got me a coffee and I sort of got I opened my door and he was like he's like a little four year old who made a Mother mother's day gift I'm not kidding you guys he's waiting at my door and he goes happy birthday and he has the coffee in hand I he goes I got you a coffee and I go thank you so much and I'm like running around my room trying to get ready for the podcast and like my clothing is sweaty because I sweat too much in bed last night I'm answering all these texts I'm like I'll be right out he puts it in my room on a suitcase that I almost knock over because he just wants me to see it

and to have it you know like little boys that are like look at my art mom look look look look look look look and it's just like you can I'll be in the kitchen a second to get my oatmeal and where I usually drink my coffee I can have it then but it's just so cute he he really does become a little boy when it comes to gifts and we're gonna, and I forced him to let me open his gift on air. And honestly, you guys, it's just because I don't want to be a bitch about it. And I want to be on air because sometimes when I get gifts, I feel very unseen because someone will give me a gift who I think knows me so well. And it's like the opposite of what I would ever want in my life.

And it's really a bad trait of mine but I get this burning anger inside that like my loved ones don't know me like yesterday I got a gift like I've I'll explain a couple things that I've gotten in the past well I won't explain them because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I I get worse so this time no matter what he got me a lululemon because I know it's from Lululemon. Even though I have a woman that has written me that works at Lululemon that said I will buy, I'll get you anything you want. Just let me know the products and I'll send them to you for free.

So already I'm a little annoyed. I told my friends and my family that the only thing I want is Taylor Swift things because they're the only things that when I buy myself, I feel ridiculous. It's so much easier to wear a pink shirt with like flowers on it with Taylor Swift's face and say, my friend got this for me. Then I went on Etsy and spent a half hour picking out this shirt and I'm 37 years old. So I'm already, I'm sounding like a bitch. I'm going to be very grateful because I'm hoping I'm just going to accept that this is something I need in my life and that my friends do know me better than I know myself. Let's get into it. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to

be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How To Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right.

How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. respondents, and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events,

starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Throttle Therapy with Catherine Legge, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring, and how to find your purpose. We make it this big pie in the sky thing, and then of course we're all frustrated because no one knows how to get there. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself?

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They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection, it's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Happy birthday. Thank you. No, let me just, just come on let me do the whole song no

ew why are you it's sexual happy birthday no people don't want to hear this to you happy birthday will you try to mrs comedy oh i like that happy birthday to you mrs comedy i got married huh i got married yeah to mr comedy ron comedy i've uh i've always wanted to be a mrs really you would take the last name of a guy um yeah yeah i would do a um courtney cox arquette courtney okay i really last night was thinking about it i had a joke in my first special special my first hour about marrying a guy with the last name Glazer so that I wouldn't have to change my name but then our kids I would still make them hyphenate it so they'd be like John Glazer Glazer yeah yeah mine would be first and how would you know they would just sound like little law firms how would you know who's first you just do it. It's just the feeling. You go, Glazer. Now, why not marry like a Hendrix and put Hendrix and do Glazer last and switch it up?

Hey, Hendrix Glazer? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I would take it. I would do that. Listen, the man I marry, I will love his last name so much because I will love him so much that I'll be like excited to take his last name. I think Nikki Gun Kelly Glazer is cool. That does have a ring to it.

Wait a second. Does he go by Machine Gun? Like, is his last name Kelly? It's Colson what? Colston. No, someone would have to look that up. I know it's Colston. I don't think,

I think Kelly might be his middle name. Oh, okay. But I could be completely wrong. I think Gun Kelly should be his last name. Yeah, I would take Nikki Matthews. I used to always dream about that. But I think Glazer I have to keep because I've made enough of a name for myself, you know? Would you want your wife to take your last name?

I swear I wouldn't care. It's Colson Baker, by the way. Baker? Yeah. Nikki Glazer Baker. There's ego involved there. Baker Glazer. Baker Glazer sounds better

baker nbg oh boy has a nice ring to it oh my god i am really uh horned up for him yeah can't help it he's tall blonde hair you know what i'm taylor swifting for him right now like if if i let myself i can't because i want to be friends with him someday. And Taylor Swift, I'm too far gone that I can't be friends with her because it's just, it would be weird. I can only be lovers with her or a fan. But with him, I have to like take it easy because I love him. I love his music so much when I really let myself in that I feel like he makes me feel like Taylor Swift does

in terms of like he lets me get out feelings that i didn't even know i had because i need that candy man i need more like mandy yeah you're just like zany yeah he has a song where he goes he's talking about drugs and like getting high and obviously i relate to like i just want more more, more, more. But I love the line. He goes, something about candy. He calls pills and stuff candy and taking Addies to stay up. And then he goes, Zanny, yeah. And he goes, I need more like Mandy, yeah.

And I was like, what is Mandy? And then it's Mandy Moore. Oh my God, really? Yeah, I love it. Wow, you did a deep search? No, I just looked up the lyrics and I go, what does more mean? Like more like Mandy.

And then I was like, oh my God, it's Mandy Moore but there's got to be something behind it no no it's just like mandy just like a fun like yeah it's like what people call uh yeah it's like uh yeah you know i keep that candy yeah i need more like mandy yeah stay up take addies yeah i'm trying to fix this damage yeah i think i could do an impression of it. I'm in my head again. I took more medicine. Ripped up the parts from my heart and my chest again. Hey, fuck it. It was raised like that.

So I guess I never really changed like that. I've been taking shots to the brain like that. Blacked out, drunk, and I came like that. Helped for me to get, I don't know. Pain like that. I just love this. Helped for me to get i don't know pain like i just love this helped for me to get through all the pain like that i love that because whenever i i'm sorry i'm going off on this tangent like a rap song that ends with the same words over and over yeah

like james like that brain like that came like that pain like that i mean it's all rhyming but he's doing like that i just want to say though that i love this lyric it's not just like any other kind of song because what helps me when I smoke too much pot or I'm doing something that I know is like maybe not the best for my body I always go I'm doing this because it's I want to be better I want to feel better this isn't something I should feel bad about I'm only wanting to be good and I'm only trying to be better so it helped me through the pain I don't like judge it I go this it helped me through the pain. I don't like judge it. I go, this is helping me through the pain, allow myself to have it, hope that it doesn't,

you know, like be more forgiving because the hatred for yourself in doing the thing is only gonna lead to more of it. Whereas if you just go, I'm trying to heal the pain and you acknowledge it, you might not do as much. Yes. I just love that. I just think that if it's a reward of you taking the drugs or whatever the drugs are

and then you perform better and then you rely on these drugs and you think it's the only way you could perform it starts getting pretty ugly no matter how happy you are towards them well that's not what he's saying in the song i think he acknowledges that it's a problem yeah and that's what the song is about but i do think that i don't think he says it anywhere in the song it makes him perform better but yeah when people make those excuses they're not really being honest with themselves whereas in this song he's being honest with himself it does help him through the pain in that moment um let me open your present i got you a present yeah you ready for a rip right now it's coming out of the bag no no no don't i'm gonna take it out it's a lululemon bag can we talk about your over enthusiasm to give people gifts as soon

as you get them sure first of all this gift i've learned i bought you earrings three years ago i bought you turquoise earrings and you haven't ever fucking worn them i learned my lesson i went too hard in the paint i it's like you with machine gun kelly you can't i learned my lesson i went too hard in the paint i it's like you with machine gun kelly you can't go too far in i went too far in there's a bad present yep and i apologize although we should give them away i think to a fan because you'll never wear them yeah i would give away my turquoise earrings to a fan it would be a fun little giveaway i have a lot of things to give away that i would do for just like fun um yeah so it including this gift i'm about to hope i'm just kidding i'm really excited okay here's the thing i've done a lot of actual service already today yes the thing is it's like i don't

this is what i don't like about i'm kidding it was obviously sarcasm in that i walked your dog and got your coffee twice it's complete sarcasm because the first time you fucked up my coffee but that was an honest mistake no the word latte was not the word latte was not a part of the thing you sent so it was just a coffee with almond milk and the thing which is still fine and i will use the coffee from it later for an iced coffee but in terms of a hot coffee i need mostly milk and uh it needs the word latte all right the presence coming hold on can i just say something so i already talked about it but this morning like you're like a little four-year-old boy on mother's day that waits outside his mother's bedroom to be

like i made you something finally mommy i did something for you which you do for me all the time but when you put that coffee on my suitcase when i do when you go i got coffee for you and i go thank you andrew that's so nice, you could have put it in the kitchen, like waiting for me where I drink my coffee, but you put it on this like wobbly suitcase that I could have knocked over and made a huge mess for like the first time. And you literally spilled coffee

to last like five days. It was so funny. Here's the thing. I wanted to give you coffee in bed, but I'm not allowed to get close to your bed. You know, there's a boundary there. Talk about not being able to get close to your bed. I asked you for deodorant today and you like will not let me in your room. Because know, there's a boundary there. Talk about not being able to get close to your bed. I asked you for deodorant today

and you like will not let me in your room. Because my room, I cleaned my room and now it's filthy again. I will never judge your room. I know. Honestly,

can we just be cool about our rooms? You might see a vibrator with some jingle bells, jingle bells. You might see a Polaroid of you next to my pillow. You might.

I've been looking for that. Polaroid. Well, it was on the fridge. What do you want a man to do? pillow. You might. I've been looking for that Polaroid. Well, it was on the fridge. What do you want a man to do? I don't know. I don't know why I was figuring myself right before. Because I like to be reminded of how good it feels to finger myself in a grainy Polaroid photo right before I reach for the almond milk that doesn't have a cap because I have ADD and I lose the caps all the time. All of our almond milks in the fridge have no caps.

No caps. No, that's like a phrase no cap no cap oh yeah it means no cap no cap remember on um the new show that i'm gonna be on name glazer glazer you know the new show that i'm doing that you we taped in the cayman islands remember that day that one of the cool kids said no cap and i go what the hell does no cap mean like live on the show and they're like like it means like no like no real like for real i was like oh okay no cap cool so i hope that you got me a cap actually i've been looking for a new hat um i wonder what's in this bag here's my apprehension i hate opening gifts because you know that sometimes i feel unseen by gifts and i'm like i would never wear this i would like what how do you what do you think of me true but i'm a little nervous about this or my size let's hope you got

an extra negative 43 do they even have that i want a negative 45 because i oh my god because i knew all right let's see what you'd finally fit into it oh my god i'm so excited thank you so much andrew okay i'm opening the lulu lemon bag live luigi i'm a little nervous in my lap i i feel pretty confident about it i I think it's right. Wait, you told me you were going to get this. You already told me you were going to get this one. What, the cock ring? It's a fanny pack.

Oh my God, it's so cool. I love it. I went with the colored one that's a little bit more fun and funky. Love. There is a black and gray one. I will return it, but I think this is more like what you... I kind of like the green. Yes, it's very cute.

This is so cool. It makes me feel like a teen teen. I love it. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh my gosh, I love it. You're welcome. I love it.

Fanny pack. Thanks, Andrew. We'll go gray with the earrings. This will be perfect. Oh my God, you're right. It will go. I got a fanny pack from Lululemon. Thank you so much.

I love it so much. I know. We're both Lulu heads but yeah you can't go wrong I mean you said the other day you're like I wish I had a fanny pack

and I take note and I went you did good buddy you did good I'm happy about it thank you and thank you for your post on Instagram

even though you chose some I love that you for our Nikki Glaser pod one you chose pictures oh yeah that was like the grossest face I've ever made but my body looks, I love that you, For our Nikki Glaser pod one. You chose pictures, oh yeah,

that was like the grossest face I've ever made but my body looks sick. I think that face is fun. You're not looking at, that's like the new thing, no cap. Really? Is that not to look at the camera.

Oh. No cap. Okay, cool. No eyes. All right, well I appreciate everything. And your mouth was open. I feel so loved.

Your mouth was open. It was kind of sexual. Oh, okay. Thank you. Yeah, I'm telling you. Yeah, I was, and it says do not enter behind you which is hilarious god that's like the opposite of what i want yeah um that's

not real actually oh my god um thank you so much andrew what a special day what other picture you were mad about the dave matthews photos no i was not i wasn't mad about anything i was just giving you shit um because you were like all these moments from your life that were the best moments when in truth like the moments where i'm dressed these moments from your life that were the best moments. When in truth, like the moments where I'm dressed up on a red carpet are not the best moments of my life. I have to say that I was filled with so much happiness remembering the times that Noah posted because they were all like with my close friends,

like being like love. And you posted the great moments from my life in terms of meeting celebrities, which was the point of that post. Yeah. But it was interesting to see the juxtapose juxtaposition of like, these were the best moments of my life in terms of meeting celebrities which was the point of that post yeah but it was interesting to see the juxtapose juxtaposition of like these were the best moments of your life and you're saying that with tongue in cheek knowing that i value real friendships more than my meeting dave matthews however um it was nice to see like that how happy i can

it almost made me long so hard for like the days when my face looked like the way it did in Noah's pictures it was more about my face I looked so good back then those were the same times I know it was all the same chunk right around Dancing with the Stars when I was like the skinniest and my face looks like the tightest listen I love the way my face is now I love I accept my body at any time I really do there's no part of me that's like depressed because I used to look better. I'm getting older and I love myself and I know that whoever I end up with, I truly know that whoever I end up with, whether it's no one or whether it's just me, because I've already accepted that I love myself no matter what I look like I really do and I mean that fully that the person I love will not care that I age and so that is the true gift of turning 37 is that I'm not scared of aging because the people who love me don't care what I look like and he'll be blind with no hands yeah that I hope just touching me with his little stubs and you you can't really get him. Would you feel worse if a guy goes, you're ugly with his eyes

or he actually feels your face and goes, ugh, like he keeps going farther down. I think eyes. Because hands, I'd be like, you don't even know. Yeah, your hands don't. I could convince myself he doesn't. He doesn't really know. That guy is such a dick.

What a fucking asshole. I guess he's mad at the world because he has no hands and he's blind. All right, let's get to the show. I mean, well, we've gotten to the show. Let's get to the news. It happened in a TikTok episode. What's happening today?

You heard it here first. Oh, TikTok. Yeah, you heard it here first. All right. First of all, this is a fun birthday edition, but not really. But yes, kind of. Happy birthday, Nikki. I hope you're having all this well.

It's so much fun today. I really do. You're amazing, and I really do appreciate you. All right. These celebrities were once roommates. Mickey Glazer and Andrew Collin, number one. Okay. Ryan Gosling once lived with Justin Timberlake and his family in the 90s.

Justin said, we used to do terrible things. We thought we were so cool. They are not really friends anymore. I don't know what happened i believe they were probably friends during the mickey mouse club years yeah um that makes sense i also um judd apatow and adam sandler were roommates marilyn rice cub and sarah silverman were roommates um there's a lot of really uh jeff garland and conan o'brien were roommates in chicago uh early on the funny part about all this is that I have more info than.

No, they were all in their 20, like early 20s. That's what's so interesting. They've been starting out and we're, you know, I'm coming to an end. Oh,

because roommates know I love. I was thinking about you last night, actually. And our roommate situation. Are there any more to share? Oh, yeah. Raven,

Simone and Lindsay Lohan. Okay. That was based on Mickey Mouse Club. They moved in New York City together. They rarely saw each other. She paid rent and was there probably three times. Yeah. Those are the best roommates.

I know, right? Take a note out of Lindsay's book, why don't you? No, I like when you're around. I get sad when you're not. I get lonely. Jason Priestley and Brad Pitt. Oh, that's nice. The two also engaged in a dude-worthy competition

to see who could go the longest without showering. Brad always won. That's so weird. Cause Brad like can do anything. Jason Priestley is, he was so hot though. Where he,

where's he at now? I think he has like 10 kids like Kirk Cameron. Oh, he got in a horrible car wreck. Okay. Well either, either having 10 kids or a horrible car wreck. I can't think of what's worse.

I think he hit 10 kids. I think it's, I think the car wreck is a metaphor for him having 10 kids or a horrible car wreck, I can't think of what's worse. I think he hit 10 kids with a Cadillac. I think the car wreck is a metaphor for him having 10 kids. I think people were saying he's been in a horrible car wreck and they're like, oh, that's the Hollywood way

of saying had 10 kids. Yeah, when you have 10 kids, you're unhearted, Bori. Oh, God. I felt so bad yesterday when I was with my parents at lunch and I go, my life is fucking awesome.

Why do you feel bad about that? no kids, and Ari was sitting next to us i forgot ari has a kid i'm sorry sorry ari sorry i i know you have a family and kids and it's like in a kid and and it's working out great but like so do a lot of our listeners must be a part of you that goes i just said i'm lucky that i didn't want that that's the thing yeah because people that do have it wanted it and i just feel blessed that it's not something that I'm like feeling because my life didn't work out in a way that I have had an opportunity to even have that but that's also because I didn't

want it and I just feel grateful I didn't want it because it seems like a lot of work and I would resent it and cut to a year from now where you have a baby and you go this is the love of my life I'm open to it I've always wanted this of my life. I'm open to it. I've always wanted this baby. I was wrong. I just don't see it happening. With the blind guy with no hands? That'd be pretty cool. How's he going to help out? I'm just kidding.

Blind people can have children, and so can people with no hands. But both might be a struggle, and you probably need someone who can be full on with you. And I want to be the one that's blind with no hands. I want to be treated with the same amount. I want to be, I wanna be the one that's blind with no hands. I wanna be treated with the same amount. I wanna be expected to be as involved as a blind man with no hands.

Oh my God. So in the bedroom or when you actually have the baby? No, in the bedroom we're gonna get kinky because I've got no hands. That means I can like.

You could throw a nub in your vagine. If I had nubs, I would definitely fuck myself with nubs. I'm this close to just sticking them. Oh, the fisting?

I mean I like You fisted? Have you ever fisted yourself? No I wanna I wanna be someday Not fisted Because fisted makes you Everyone think of like

If you're not familiar with porn I used to always think that fisting Was just like Punching a woman in the Pussy with your fist Like a dry pussy It is not that It is very

The thing is you have to be Completely relaxed And so open And like Accepting And like like a dry pussy. It is not that. It is very, the thing is you have to be completely relaxed and so open and like accepting and like it's also, dare I say beautiful. I remember my friend told me she fisted her wife and I was like, wait, what?

I couldn't believe it. It was like the kinkiest thing I've ever heard and she was like, it was the most amazing experience and I was like, okay, I guess that's for you guys and now porn has taken me down fisting holes. When she fisted, does she open her hand in there or does she keep it fisted no you don't open your hand have you never watched fisting porn you know it's something i'm not getting that i don't get

i didn't think i was into it either dude i swear to god we contain multitudes i sometimes i get it is funny i'm going back to my penis i guess but like when you finger a girl and then you do two fingers and then you're like i could barely do girl and then you do two fingers and then I could barely do three. And then you do three. And then you're like, how wide did this fucking thing go? Well, we're supposed to be able to push a baby out of it. So actually, if you're relaxed enough and do some breathing pretty damn wide and you snap back. How about this?

If a guy's fucking you and he puts two fingers in you while he's banging. No, no, no, no. I don't want it. I don't like why get the meat and the cheese touch this is my thing it's that i don't like um i know it's so stupid because it does it's it's for me it's about um because it happens a lot in porn like there's double penetration which i'm a big fan of which is one in the ass one in the puss or whatever and you can use toys or hands or whatever but it's one in each right and then there's sometimes dv or d uh a which is like double anal or dv like double it sometimes

it's double vag double it like it gets crazy like they there's no stopping it mcdonald's order and a diet coke poured over her head because she's called a dumb pig like I was watching one last night it was so hot but they kept making the girl oink and I couldn't do it because I need the sounds

and she kept going through this thing on her like she was wearing this really cool leather thing on her face that made her mouth

like fucking open like just a blowjob hole and it was all hot were you looking for farm animal porn or was that just random no no no

I was watching it was double penetration so I was like going down and it just so happened to be one of the characteristics of this one that was otherwise great with like gangbang guys were being not as respectful as possible but like it looked from the still images that this wasn't a rough gangbang which is ones i don't like because i always feel like the girl halfway through is like i don't really like this but it's just like oh it's like when you get to a shitty gig and you go the green room sucks the audience seems rowdy that but i'm already here so i want to collect my check instead of making it a big thing and trying to get my money later on when i

sense that a porn star is in the middle of something and it's going in a direction that she probably didn't plan for i i tap out you know but when it's a situation that seems good uh all fists everyone on board all fists to go but i had to turn off because you are you watch porn so much longer than i bet you the average guy listener right now i'm definitely addicted to porn but it's a two minute maybe three minutes and 30 seconds of each porn um i watch i'm not kidding you what's your average time you think i'm yesterday i watched two hours. You're on it more than I am on Instagram.

It's like, it's wild. Two separate times. Because the thing is, I realized, if I were in a relationship, I'd be having sex all the time. I love it. It's one of my favorite things to do. And that you can do it to yourself

and have a great time. I have a great time when I finally let myself not feel guilt about doing it because I realized yesterday I was like, God, I already masturbated today, but I really want to do it again. And I was like, if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't feel guilt about this.

If I spent an hour having like really connected sex with someone that was like, you know, deep and like takes time and is like, and then I go, why can't I do that with myself? I'll have a better connection with myself afterwards if i like really do foreplay with myself so emily got into my head uh last week and i feel like i like myself more when i'm able to do it in a way that's not like shameful three minutes closed laptop i'm just like let's see what happens in here i feel you i mean look i'd love to romanticize myself i would

love to like play with you know whatever but yeah i will say the only problem is we gotta get to the next story the the one problem right now with my porn addiction because it is bordering on that is that i see the world in porn like there are no images that would freak me out because of how crazy the stuff is i see yeah you're like jaws of life so when i look at things i made a joke about in my act last year but i want to do it more on stage when my one time my friend we were driving in her car and we both had two red bull cans and all she had in her car were this regular cup holder size but two red bulls kind of fit and i was like i think i can get them both to fit and she was like no you can't i go yes i can i've seen this happen earlier today

like we can make it fit just relax i'm like petting her rav4 telling it's a good girl um and then i don't remember that in your set really yeah i'm listening i've done it like probably 40 times would you rather have two red bulls in your one monster one monster i like again the two makes too much friction let's get to the next one by the way the last two roommates it's my birthday and i'll ruin it's my birthday and i'll ruin you've heard it here first if i want that's fine with me i mean it's not just your birthday wait what do you mean every day's your birthday that's the case i know right yesterday was my birthday let's be honest it's been your birthday for two months can i get three in today go a seven year old boy

oh god oh my god we're so sorry for that transition let's lighten the mood from gang bangs and fistings and to

yeah clean slate breath let's all take a breath let's think of should we clap to break it up no no no

we can get into it eat ginger eat some ginger we're switching on eat some ginger slices of ginger cleanse palate all right sorry i missed a foam yes or whatever okay a seven-year-old boy swam for one hour against the current whoa that separated him from his father and four-year-old sister to get help and rescue his family the father went out on a boat to fish while the kids swam around the boat. A strong current passed which caused the dad to jump in the water to rescue the

kids but began to tire himself out. The boy said he would doggy paddle then float on his back to make sure he wouldn't tire himself out. He reached the shore knocked on doors and got help and people came. Noah, thank you so much for this story on my birthday. I am inspired by this story

and it also brings up a subject very near and dear to my heart, which is the riptide and swimming when it's very dangerous. And as a really good swimmer myself and someone who would probably employ the same methods used by the seven-year-old, that is incredible a seven-year-old

was able to figure that out on its own. How did we get into the, how did this all happen again? Because kind of they were they were fishing just uh and where was this in the ocean no it was on uh on a river saint john's river all right and the dad was on the boat fishing and the kids were swimming around the boat and the four-year-old the daughter had a nighttime too which is wild yeah i mean parents have some beers the the rules get lax because it seems safe i get it i'm a river kid so what happened noah so the so the the four-year-old was wearing a life vest but you know according

to laws or whatever above that age and according to the boat size the seven-year-old didn't have to and then a a strong tide came through and the girl let go of the boat, and the current started to take her. So the dad jumped off the boat. And it was the dad and the daughter. Did the dad have a vest or no? Probably not. Then how did that stay up for so long?

Because the dad is a dad. And so the four-year-old, thank God the four-year-old had a life vest on. Thank fucking God. Maybe he could have held on to the life vest with the girl. Well, there's no way to really prevent these things. No one wanted this to all happen. Everyone was doing exactly what they thought would be the right

thing in the moment. So it's like this went down the right way. But the seven-year-old jumping in was the mom, if there was one or someone was probably freaking out. I almost, my sister almost died on a river with my mom and it was fucking terrifying. They got caught. their boat flipped

on a very gentle river my dad and i were in a canoe we saw my mom and sister get in this like root wad which is like my dad always says the dreaded root wad because it sucks water under and like is really strong and i don't i don't they i think they had on life fest but they the my mom my sister goes whoa mama whoa mama we laughed in retrospect because that's all my sister kept saying she was probably like six or seven and i was nine i'm guessing even younger she was probably five i was uh seven and i just watched in horror from our boat as my dad went over to rescue them but i've never seen my family like so scared. And like, how did your dad get them? Just by,

I honestly blacked it out. But I, in retelling the story, my dad doesn't even like to tell it. No one likes to, because it was like, we seriously almost lost my mom and sister on the river. Like we have a couple of those stories of like near death where it's like,

this shit can happen. And it's like, I just, everyone teach your kids how to swim and also teach that fighting against a current and like giving in this is a good lesson in meditation too when like things are pulling you in life in a way and you're trying to constantly swim against the feeling and you you suddenly like a ripped because i feel that sometimes when i look at my phone and there's 37 texts and then i know i have to do this one recording later for DMV radio and

I have to do my podcast and I have to figure out what to do for the open mic to whether it goes open mic or whether I schedule the karaoke room there's a ton of stuff and sometimes it's just good instead of swimming against it and figuring out a plan I'm gonna do this think just relax take it to breath because the worst that can happen is that there you don't book the room in time for the karaoke, it doesn't work out, and then you just have your family over and you sing some songs around your fake fireplace.

Or I don't get DMV radio lines back to them. It's DMV fucking radio. We need them by then. That's not the fucking White House is waiting for me to get recordings. So no matter what you do for a living, even if you do work at the White House, that shit can be delayed too.

Everything can wait. Everything's fine. Don't swim against it because you'll drown. And so will your mom possibly. And the best is when you delay it and you decide to do something for you. People somehow respond better to when you- I know.

When you don't get back in this like hectic uh you know doggy paddling against the current yeah you get rewarded paddle to get where you need to go and then but it shouldn't be a constant doggy paddle because you'll tire out dude my sister in law she drove her camaro when she was like 17 off a cliff right like off this florida cliff yeah yeah accidentally and she crashed into the into the water and she broke her back and then she climbed up the hill that she fucking drove off like 30 feet in like fort pierce florida and crawls up herself up this hill in the middle of the night crawls like another hundred feet to a door knocks on the door the guy answers and goes get off my fucking property stop like playing with me like

thought it was a fucking like drug like yeah teenager didn't help her so then she had to crawl to the next house and she she ended up being okay but it was just like wild like i'm just thinking about this seven-year-old knocking on the door and like these people reacted whoever reacted i mean they're fucking heroes too to be like okay like let's figure this out i don't know anyways but yeah it's wild what humans can do in those moments when they're so broken and just to survive and so when you hear someone like trying and trying and then they die it's very tragic because you go you want the they they were strong enough to survive but there are a lot of people who are strong enough to survive and the the luck is just not with them it's so much luck dude the golf cart went on my nephew that the

other day remember i told you a story my brother picked up this golf cart yeah like it was nothing and i went to pick it up and i'm i'm definitely strong i couldn't pick it up and because his my nephew was under there he just fucking like yeah it was unbelievable i don't know you could do whatever you mom strength they talk about that's so cool there was a great sketch on human giant where they hired mothers and they put their kid they put put the kid under the couch that they needed to move so that the mother would go no no! So these mothers could lift these things that these men couldn't do. But only if the kid was dying. Only if their child was in harm.

It would be like fake harm. It's so funny. Human Giant, if you are a millennial or someone, a young millennial or a Gen Z-er, if you've never checked out Human Giant, it's Aziz Ansari, Rob Hubel, and Paul Scheer, who are all faces you'll recognize. They had an MTV sketch show,

and it was one of the best things ever. It so funny to picture like uh like 48 year old housewife going against strong men it's yeah you know what i mean just dead just because the baby's underneath it's i know it's a great sketch um all right next story yeah why do i care or should we go to why we why don't i care let's try next story'll zip through. Okay. It's most likely a female mosquito that is buzzing your ear because male and female mosquitoes lead very different lives. The males typically hang out and sip on the nectar of flowers. The females need to find a blood meal after mating in order to have enough energy to produce eggs.

Whoa. So you can always call the mosquito that you hit a bitch. Yes. Because they need blood. While the guy just chills and hangs and fucking drinks some beer. Yeah, that makes it more. I bet that'll give me. Noah and I were talking about the voice on Zoom that goes, you are being recorded.

It's a woman's voice when you press record. Zoom just started using it. I guess people were being recorded and didn't know um so it goes you are now being recorded and like we were just go shut up i go shut up bitch and no it was like we get it whore like she didn't say that but we were like if it was a man's voice would we like it i i'm sure there's studies about gps why does a woman's instead of a man's voice because you don't want to be a man's playing direction theory because siri is like gentle and it's a woman and a man makes it feel more like i have to oh the weather's 77 degrees fuck like a man said it and a woman's like if you want it to

be it's 77 degrees like they're like would you rather be a man voice i don't know you know my favorite gps one ever was ways used to do like little like guest star ones that would be funny. And one was like boy band. And it'd be like, turn left on La Cienega. And it would just always be like, it would be a really- I feel like that would relax me though.

It was awesome. You know what they do on Ubers now, which I fucking love because sometimes I get an Ubers in LA. Soundproof or whatever. And the guy will have on the directions and it'll be like, turn left on La Cienega up ahead 200 feet.

Turn left in 100. And you're just like, dude, we get it. So now they have it on super fast. So it'll be like, turn left. So he hears enough to know, but it's not wasting all of our time.

Sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks. I mean, for my ADD head that listens to everything on double speed you actually enjoy that more though that almost seems like it would annoy me well it's the difference between i wish it was that guy with the mustache that actor that has a real low voice danny trejo no no he has the white mustache he's in um he's in Lebowski. He's always that guy that's always the country guy. Oh, yeah.

I know what you're talking about. That guy. That soothing voice would be perfect. Make a left there to own fate. Is it Sam Elliott? Yes.

Sam Elliott. That's good. God, he'd be great for a GP, for anything in your life. You know what girl I'm obsessed with right now is the girl on TikTok

who saves bees. And she talks about i'm taking this beehive can we pull up the b girl real quick she's really easy to find you guys gotta hear she's my favorite asmr voice i watch it and i just feel so relaxed because she's like and now we're going to transfer the queen bee to the other place there's something about like the wildness of bees and then like when you're calm in something that's very hectic for most people yes that's the thing she has to be very calm so she doesn't get stung so this is the thing i got a call to rescue a swarm of bees and here's how i did it when i showed up i found a beautiful swarm hanging off the side of a branch so i set up their temporary transit hive and I used my garden chairs. She gets even more.

The first thing I did was lift the cover. Okay. She was really calm last night. That wasn't as good, but that voice is like so soothing to me. Some people just have, have you ever been stung? Yeah. But anyone who's scared of bees really annoys me.

Honestly, I can't do it. I can't, I can't eat and be like, I don't understand those people you're oh i'm scared of a bee man you are i'm eating a sandwich and some people are like just stay still so the bee could just land on your nose it's more afraid of you than it is of it i don't andrew no way no no no no way i don't kill it i'm just like get it away from me i know but it's an irrational

fear if you just let it it will go away you can literally it's people that are scared of bees are looking for attention i think oh we're just scared we're just afraid i think there are people who don't see the word moist it's like you're looking for an identity and your identity is like i'm scared of bees and it's a childish fear i'm sorry to everyone who's listening that's scared of bees i know you're gonna get mad at me i don't think i do think andrew that you are scared of bees but i'm trying to everyone who's listening that's scared of bees. I know you're going to get mad at me. I do think, Andrew, that you are scared of bees, but I'm trying to tell you it's irrational. But I do think some people like to be like, I'm good, bees!

And they run around and boys like them more because they are like screaming. Girls, I used to do it. So I think it's a little bit of that. Noah? I don't want the attention. I don't care about the attention. But Noah, you're scared of birds.

Flying in your hair. I'm scared of pigeons In an enclosed location Wait pigeons To be specific When are you in a pigeon house? Okay what animal What insect are you afraid of?

Me Yeah House centipedes Because they don't have a plan Yeah bees don't have a plan A bee buzzes around No bee I'm scared of house centipedes

And it is irrational because they don't bite but they're not around as often i would probably get used to them and there is just something about them what about if a scorpion is next to your salad are you chill with that i mean where does it yeah i really am chill one time a guy killed a scorpion when i was on stage in new mexico with his flip-flop he took it off He was in the front row. And all of a sudden, I hear a slap. Like, slap. And I go, what the hell was that?

And he goes, scorpion. And I go, where am I? It was in that Santa Fe casino. Santa Ana casino. It was before I brought you there. I went back there

because I loved it so much. This guy killed a scorpion. It was a cute little baby scorpion. And I picked it up. I go, is it okay to pick up? And everyone's like, no.

And then people were like, the Yaz, I trusted the Yaz. So I picked it up. I go, is it okay to pick up? And everyone's like, no. And then people were like, the Yaz, I trusted the Yaz. So I picked it up. I also trusted the Yaz birth control in 2008 when I took it for about three months. I trusted the Yaz. You got stung doing that.

And I picked it up by not the stinger of its tail. And it was this cute, I think I named it Trevor, honestly, because I go, I'm going to keep it. And then I was leaving for the airport the next day and I put in a cup left it backstage because I really loved it I was like it's cool scorpion I was really mad at him for killing it really mad I turned it into a TED talk about don't kill things even bees or house centipedes but um I I was on the way to the airport and we were like 15 minutes to the airport and I go I forgot my scorpion and I need it.

And the guy was like, really? And I was like, I know that's crazy, but we have time. I really want it. You wanted to turn the car around to pick up a dead scorpion. I did, I went back and I went to the lost and found because that's where they told me

that they had taken it from my green room because it was in a cup that looked like someone would want to keep it and I got it and I don't know where it is to this day. So I don't know why I did that but at the time I just wanted to honor it and like-

Give it like a proper burial? No, I just wanted to- Did you feel good luck, like a good luck charm? It was just, I hold on to things. As you know, when something means a lot,

I tend to take little like a serial killer would of the, they don't want to forget this thing, because a lot of the memories I have are things that I can't ever share with the world of like these personal things that happen. And from or share with someone else, there's no one like if you and I were in a car accident together, it would be a traumatic thing that I could share with you and be like, that person knows what happened and only we will understand that. But sometimes you go through things in life that you go only i know what this feels like and i don't i'm scared i'll forget it and not be able to conjure it again and remember it unless i have something from it to either look or smell or like so i steal things sometimes from the scene of of crimes of extreme emotions well my my aunt kept her boyfriend he had a ponytail and he cut his ponytail and she kept this ponytail in her drawer for i mean just

20 years later she still has the ponytail i i understand did she remarry no she was never married it's probably because it is the goddamn ponytail you have to let it go though eventually i have some things she made every guy clip it on before she fucked them. It was weird. Yeah. I've, I've taken some things from relationships that I hold on to. Like I still use this, uh,

pillow. It's my most prized possession that if this house lit on fire, I would probably grab my guitar at this point because that has more memories now to me. But before that it would be my pillow that I just love to sleep with, but it was a gift from my ex boyfriend and I can't seem to get rid of it. I i can't seem to get rid of a bowl i made him that he didn't want so i kept it i can't get rid of a lot of things and i think it keeps you from moving on for sure and just let it be clear it's not a my pillow it's a oh no no it's yes it's not a my my pillow

it's not a my my glazer why do i care my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, that maybe would stick to is I would really encourage him not to get married in his 20s. Essentially, she's saying your father sucks. No, she's not. That's what I get from that. Not at all. She's saying that people don't know who they are in their 20s, and you will change, and you think you know everything, and you don't have enough life experience to make a choice about something that should be forever. However, if you want to get married in your 20s and know that it might only last five years

or two, and that doesn't mean it's an unsuccessful relationship, I'm tired of people divorcing and everyone going, I'm so sorry. I'm tired of it. We need to change the discourse or a relationship ending. My friends recently... Yeah, but that's a different thing than what

she said. You would say, then get married in your 20s because if you get divorced, it's a good thing. She's speaking under the pretense that marriage is forever and that people still look at it that way. I want to be married for two years right now. Like I would like to meet someone, fall in love and say, let's, we don't have to, I hope it's forever. God, I hope it's forever because you're awesome enough that if I feel this way about you in two years, let's do for like, let's keep going. But in real realistic terms, I changed so much. And so do other people that it is not crazy to think that in two years we'll be in a different place. And I will still have love for

you of all the experiences we went through, but we might be better off with other people. And that doesn't mean that this wasn't, you weren't my soulmate for this time and that it was the best ever when eventually you'll die. And that relationship will come to an end no matter how long it lasts does that mean it's a bad relationship because you died someone left it it's like we're i don't think relationships are failures if they end i agree but i also think telling an eight-year-old son that you should not get married in your 20s. She's not telling him that now. That's what she said. They're asking,

what would you tell your son? And then the person made it seem like she sat down her eight-year-old, the guy who wrote it, had to say... If I could tell him anything. Yeah, I guarantee you

she's not telling her anything. And it could be tongue-in-cheek too. That's the problem with these fucking quotes. It isn't tongue-in-cheek because she addresses the fact that it might seem dark and sad, but it's real.

And I think she's so right. I've talked to many people recently. I talked to three men intimately recently who got married in their twenties and were, and regretted it instantly, knew it was wrong, had to go through with it. Like I was talking about those girls and those gang bangs and thank God they did because, you know,

they wouldn't be where they are today unless they did go through it. But I do think getting married in your 20s is a very big risk that many people do and succeed in. My sister, for one of them, my parents, and is staying in a relationship forever a success? I don't actually look at it that way. When I hear a couple's been together for 50 years, there's some part of me that goes, you guys kind of, were weak because there were times where both of you wanted to leave and have better lives and you probably could have better lives,

but you didn't because it's hard to do that. So not a weakness, but I, I'm just someone who doesn't look at people being married a long time as the, the coolest thing. I think it's kind of like staying at a job that you were too scared to leave because you didn't know what else you could maybe achieve in your life. I feel like it's like that.

How many things do you choose in your 20s that later on you go, I didn't want to do this job at all. And then you switch careers. Everyone's good for you. You know, this is what you should be doing. You should be doing pottery all along. And it's like, why do we let we celebrate that for a man who leaves a corporate life to go do art and yet we don't celebrate for a guy who married a woman who his parents kind of wanted him for him and then he

leaves her for a younger girl that might be an artist that just so happens to be younger so now everyone makes it about that i don't know the answer to that but that's why i care let's get to reddit dump oh this will be a short one today i gotta see that girl's pottery i think it's pretty good yeah if you know what i mean i do know what pottery i mean ceramics um okay so i i pulled up my reddit and right away by the way uh it's my own reddit my subreddit that someone a lot of people keep track of these guys also know that i look at it so um yeah oh a gentle they always post my stories on here and then sometimes they have little like questions for each other about like me and my life that they post um someone oh someone posted a uh what did they say sometimes they'll ask questions i

was sharing some of them with you the other day andrew um oh someone said matus on uh my subreddit the r nicki glazer subscribe if you're a redditor and see what these guys are posting because sometimes they'll just be like legs i love to lick that's like the title and then it's a picture of my legs and sometimes they just say things like listening to old pods and kind of missing the way they sign off the podcast with jackpot. So it's things like that. And then people will comment on that. Let's see what they commented.

Me too. And someone said, oh my gosh, yes, me too. Sometimes I still whisper jackpot to myself and giggle. Well, if that's not enough to get me saying jackpot again, I don't know what is. I mean, that's all it takes. Okay, so let me get to the save post. I have some interesting things for you today. We're going to zip, zip, zip through them.

And it's going to take us into the final thought, if I'm guessing correctly. Here we go. Okay, white people Twitter. That's one of my favorite. That's just good tweets. There's also black people Twitter. It's just good tweets across the board. This is from Anne T. Donahue, who is someone I've been following for a while.

She's a comedian writer in Canada. Sounds like Auntie Donahue. Doesn't it? Yeah. Anne T. Donahue and i always yeah and t-a-n-e a-n-n-e-t donahue give her some follows people i love when my listeners follow people who are funny that i've recommended and then these people reach out to me and say oh my god i just got so many followers it makes this person's day and this person deserves it she's really funny this is one of my favorite tweets of hers no you'll like this in 2007 if you wore a long sleeve t-shirt under a regular t-shirt

it meant that you liked music especially if it was a white long sleeve t-shirt okay this is from this is from ask reddit my favorite subreddit interesting questions are posed and then people answer them and all the top answers are voted up this one is what is something that everyone looks stupid doing this one is great uh let me read the top guess on my tripping over absolutely nothing while walking on a flat surface chasing after something blown away by the wind waving at a person you wrongly thought was waving at you getting out of the back seats of a two-door car oh that's a good one oh walking down stone steps that are uncomfortably spaced so you have to lunge and reach for each one,

uh, tripping, holding the door for someone at that weird distance when they're close, but you still got to wait like half a minute. Okay. Those are good ones. Um, next thing,

walking on ice, walking on, Oh, that's good. Andrew. Terrible. Um, look cool.

Uh, look tough. This is another, this is, uh, from, uh, the subreddit Conan being awesome.

This is, uh, this is not as, uh, populated as the Conan subreddit, but this one also has good Conan stuff. It's a tweet from him that says, Timothee Chalamet will make a great Wille Wonke.

Wille Wonke. I laughed out loud so hard at that. What do you think about movies getting remade instead of making new ones? I don't mind it. You can really spice up something it's like doing a cover of a song um this is great this is a picture of a belly button this girl's belly button and she said there's an old woman's face in my belly button now look and see

this it's wild i almost posted i'm gonna post it on mine oh my god no luck and i also like that the old woman has like a barbell through her head but um that's great you got to go watch to see that that is from the subreddit mildly interesting and then looks like bitter beer face um this one uh oh here's the thing we've all talked about red flags this is from ask men these are questions that people generally women and other men are asking men in general ask men we've all talked about red flags when dating a woman but what about green flags what signals what are signals that you're dating a good woman um this one said uh this comment said go canoeing together if you still like each other after that proceed with dating what dude that is

such that's so funny that that came up yeah because there's a lot of going on it's not meant to be yes like are you paddling you're not paddling enough there's just a lot of like you could learn from someone um this one was a uh she's nice to other people without the expectation of getting anything i like that nice to waiters is important. Yes. That's always a good one. And then, okay. I'm going to round us out here with an oldie but a goodie. One second. I did that one. Oh, God.

So, what's it? Oh, this was one. Oh, this is from Ask Redditdit not safe for work label what kink did you first think what the fuck but actually tried and enjoyed let's read the top ones i was friends with benefits with a brazilian exchange student for a while who was super passionate in bed one night she started berating me in portuguese it was incredible. Just opening up something that you're just like, wait, I've never been yelled at in a foreign language. It's probably better because you don't understand how much he hates you.

Portuguese sounds like Spanish, so you think it's maybe Spanish, so you can maybe decipher it. But then it has a lot of itchy, didgy, jizzy, jizzy, jizzy, jizzy. It's a strong language. It's very like jizzy. Whenever I hear Portuguese, all I hear is digi, edgy, edgy, edgy in the middle of Spanish.

Um, and then spit kink. Someone said, um, of course now not really anymore because of corn dog. I don't know what corn dog is. I found it. Oh,

COVID. I found it weird. And so did my girlfriend, but she wanted to try it. And we both liked it. Another person says, this girl choked me while she was writing me one time. And I thought to myself,

Hmm, okay, I get it now. And someone says, I don't know if this is really a kink, but dirty talk during sex. In my head, I'm thinking wild and disgusting things, but I never said them aloud

until I was with a dude who wanted me to say it and say it all. And phew, just hearing myself gets me off sometimes. Oh, that's great. They're scratching,

hair pulling, masochism, spanking. I mean, these are all things god this i love how this podcast comes full circle wait what i'm trying to think because we talked about all these things and i just happened to look at that i mean it's all stuff based on stuff i'm interested in so it's actually not really a coincidence but and i'm the one who yes it is it it does feel to me like this one was a cosmic one for my birthday so we gotta go yeah we were talking about like socio-political economics in North Korea.

And then that came up later. Yeah. Because it's something we never talked about. But if it's anal and then anal again. But the fact that the canoe thing came back around. And there's a story about the kid in the canoe, which was only given to us. Have you ever canoed with a guy? Final thought.

No, I haven't. But this summer, once and for all, I don't like canoeing. My family is very canoe enthusiastic my brother-in-law owns a company called big muddy adventures in st louis if you're ever in st louis and you're an outdoors person sorry i'm picking at my leg but it's my birthday i really want to if you're an outdoors person but you see the skin i want to get right there just that little flake okay okay okay okay that's fine even if it's on your birthday i know it's fine even if it's on your birthday i know it's your birthday it's my birthday i'll make you nauseous if i want to um okay so over the summer um so big money adventures by the way it great excursions led by a team of really skilled people and it's my brother-in-law's company i'm very

proud to to that he has this company that everyone in st louis is freaking out about uh book your trips now because they fucking stack up anyway my dad obviously is a i we i grew up on a river because my dad when my dad's a kayak and canoe enthusiast camping all the time loves the outdoors i've never liked this stuff and it's not just because of that horrific thing that i talked about before i've never liked the outdoors you guys know that um i just don't i like a hike and I like seeing beautiful things and you the other day were like remember when you asked me

about outdoors and like adventure do you remember that the other day well when I went hiking we were watching video of looking at stingrays do you remember

oh yeah yeah yeah what did you ask me if you were into it because the guy because you wanted to impress the guy or did you actually enjoy the stingrays

we were watching video of me because people do that hugging stingrays? We were watching video of me- Because people do that. Hugging stingrays and swimming with them and being really adventurous in a swarm of stingrays that a lot of people are uncomfortable with. And Andrew was like,

there was someone there I had a crush on. And so Andrew was like, did you do that because you wanted to be like cool for that person? And I won't say that it was maybe 2% that, but honestly it was maybe I was pulling back even more than I wanted to be because I

will do anything if it involves animals and that's what I said to Andrew I go I'm adventurous but if there's not animals involved where I get to touch animals or swim next to them in the wild though too they can't be like at a petting zoo you don't like that no I like petting I went to a petting zoo I thought you hate zoos I don't like zoos that yeah if be at a petting zoo. You don't like that. No, I like pettings. I went to a petting zoo.

I thought you hate zoos. I don't like zoos that, yeah. If it's a petting zoo where it's like a refuge, yes. Oh, a refuge zoo. You know, but I like zoos if they're rescued animals, but zoos to me are really just sad. But no, I will do anything adventurous for an animal. So that gives me peace in my soul because,

and maybe you're someone who doesn't like outdoors whether it involves animals or not and you're truly a bad person. I'm just kidding. I wonder if there was a girl on that boat that I was really into if I would have been

like more open than swimming with the stingrays. You would have. Yeah, because I kissed a stingray. I kissed one. He was like, he was in control.

No, I didn't go inside the 40. But you kissed one. You didn't have to do that. Cause it was apparently good luck. I know I'd stepped out there, but I did not fuck around with what you did. I loved it so much.

I don't want to see it. If anything, the person I was having a crush on was. Have you ever done anything that because of the crush that you put yourself in a situation that you definitely. Yes. Like what? Like. That you can remember.

Every sexual encounter I had before I stopped drinking. Like, yourself in a situation that you definitely like what like that you can remember every sexual encounter i had before i stopped drinking like like i'm saying like those gang bangs like you just you start you want to make you like a guy or you want his attention or you like hanging out with him because he's a friend and then he wants to take it to a level that's sexual and you feel like i've i've done this i. I made it sexual. He likes me. It's my fault. I did, wasn't clear enough about boundaries. So then you end up kissing him.

Cause you're like, what's it's just kissing. I can get through this. And then he starts feeling you up and you go, it's just feeling me up. I can get through this. This isn't like, he's probably just horny. He's not like falling in love with me or anything. This isn't going to be bad if I go through with it. Then you end up sucking his dick.

It's like this thing that you go, I don't hate this this i need to suck a dick because i haven't in a while and it's nice to know that i can but i don't really want to be doing this and it's not the guy's fault and it's not your fault it's just you things just slowly progress and you end up doing something you don't want to do like being in a canoe with a guy going on a hike i went on a hike with uh graham there's a a guy in town that has asked me out a lot who i like as a friend very much and probably could like as a more than that but i'm just not in it's i'm not the person right now that is gonna like him like that and that's you know fine he asked me out on dates i always am like dude just friends we go on a hike and if you had to do it again or do it again would you rather blow them or go on this hike uh no i would rather go on a hike because

i loved this hike because i told him i hate this i go i don't want to do this and then we got some a branch got caught in my hair which is my pigeon in my hair of like especially your hair ripped out i used to be really paranoid about my hair ripping out as anyone who listened to you up over the summer knew. I was really going through depression. It was all being taken. If I'm nervous about my hair ripping out,

it's because I'm really sad and I'm not addressing it. I finally realized that. I made the connection between feeling fat and being depressed where I go, on days where I go,

I'm fat. Whether or not that's true, I'm depressed because if I were fat and happy, I wouldn't care um and same with my hair when i get paranoid about it ripping out so i was just going through a bad time and i it got stuck in my hair and then we had to go hop over this like creek and i just go i hate this and he was like whoa he was freaked out but i was honest and guess what he still

wants to hang out with me because i was just myself and he accepted it and And so. Yeah, because you're still a hot girl on a hike. What's the worst thing you've done? But you know what I mean though? What do you mean? He's still indie. Like a hike. No guy is going to go, this girl hated a hike. No, you don't understand what I.

I showed a side of myself that. Maybe. Maybe it could have been a red flag. It was the way I talk to you sometimes where we're doing something I don't want to do. I'm like, Andrew, I want to leave now. I was stressed out. I was anxious. That's a side that I don't show guys

that I'm trying to win over. But I should because it's what you're going to get. I'm trying to think what I've done to try to impress a girl. Oh, I mean running in the rain. Yeah, but that was to just... Licking her tears, wiping her tears on your face. Can you tell our listeners about that before we go?

This is for my birthday gift. It's the funniest thing i uh when my college girlfriend i was obsessed with her and anytime she would break up with me which was seemed almost every day uh i would cry and then i would put my tears on her cheeks i don't know why but i guess she wasn't crying you know and she was laughing uh i think it's you wanted her like smells and DNA. Like when you love someone, you just want them on you. I just wanted her. I played. I just wanted her to love me and she just wouldn't.

So I was just like, take my tears on your face. Honestly, that's like a beautiful lyric. Take my tears on your face. Take my tears on your face because it could be sexual. I'm really getting into writing songs and take my tears on your face. I could be sexual i'm really getting into writing songs and take my tears on your face i mean i was with this girl and like we would cuddle and like if she like turned around or like stop cuddling yeah i like right away i'd get complete anxiety that she hated me you know what i mean like actually it was you were being emotionally abused it wasn't

your fault and i probably was right no she she was being really cruel to you someone you loved was doing something purposely to make you feel bad i mean no one just rolls over i know but i should just fucking i should have been strong enough to leave to just leave because that's why you don't get married in your 20s jack yeah and people in their 30s and 40s and 50s still take this kind of abuse where the person you love when the person you love you know has done something that they know will make you feel unloved. It's a really bad feeling and it needs to be called out immediately if you can bring yourself to do it because it is self-respect. So for my birthday today, before I go, I want everyone to give me a gift today that is still

listening to the podcast. If you can today, when you have a bad thought about yourself or like feel like I shouldn't do that, I need to do this or I should have done this or why do I look like this or why is my house a mess? Any negative thought, truly anything.

Why did I murder that person in high school and haven't told anyone? Like literally any thought. Will you just in the moment. Took her snack pack. I mean, that's justified. Will you just in the moment for whatever you feel today

Tell yourself I do not want this If I could snap my fingers my room would look great If I could snap my fingers and be a size 2 I would do that No you've heard me say this before But just try it for me today Say to yourself say your name out loud

And say hey Brenda Brenda I'm just going to give an example. Brenda, your kid just screamed, I hate you to you. Your husband's not talking to you. Your phone is broken. Your car needs to get fixed and you have no money for it. Isn't that hilarious that all of those things are lining up for you? And you have so many things that are not going right?

It is so fucking crazy. That's wild. You poor thing to have to go through this. That's the rip current. You poor thing, Brenda. Say to yourself, you poor thing. Feel it. I'm going to do this for myself today too.

Feel it. Let yourself laugh about it. Don't be mean and go, you should feel bad. Just be light about it. You don't have to be like, laugh about it. Don't be mean and go, you should, you should feel bad. Just be light about it. You don't have to be nice, but be light and let yourself know that if you could snap your fingers, all those things wouldn't be happening, but you can't. So it's life and you're doing your best. You really are doing your best. People always go, I could do more. If you could, you would. You're not so accepted and just be nice to yourself be nice to yourself today i love you see you tomorrow besties we'll have another talk like this again love you so much

for listening thank you for dealing with me when i'm a chatterbox and my add meds are kicking in and maybe i took a hit in the middle of the show because it's my birthday i wanted to be a little bit high and feel a little bit loopy and i have a whole coffee in myself and i'm really excited for my birthday and guess what this helped. The rest of the day, I'm going to be easy on myself. Dave Matthews Band Radio can suck my dick. But you should probably get it. Yeah, I should.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Hurry up. Hurry up. Okay. Okay.

And? Yeah! Bye! Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast.

Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,

entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms.

Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of quest love supreme man we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season but you know i don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far i mean we talked to amyree johnny marr e jonathan sheckner billy porter and so. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet,

hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season.

We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers.