The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #43 Shoot That Hoop

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

Between you and Nikki she gives the play by play of last night's festivities. Andrew was psyched that Nikki picked a restaurant for her birthday that had basketball hoops. Lots of eyebrow raising questions come up in the You Heard It Here First news segment. Nikki and Andrew are able to Finish Each Other's Sentences accurately and in Nikki's Final thought she confirms her love languages. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

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Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy

is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hey, guys.

Oh, how's it going out there, besties? It's Nikki Glazer. This is the Nikki Glazer Podcast. Glazer podcast that's Noah my producer Andrew will be here in a minute I'm sitting in my guest room next to my doge Luigi who just I don't know Noah I just feel like whatever your dog is doing it's a reflection of whatever is going on in your life and apparently i'm not well i i mean he just doesn't he's so weird he's so like he's i don't know if he wants to be babied or if he hates me or if he is a he's not eating as much he's being aloof he is ignoring me he acts like i don't exist sometimes when i enter the room there are other times where he's very enthusiastic about me he's all over the place and i feel

it is a reflection of myself because i feel like i'm doing great and then i look at my dog who looks skittish and scared and i don't know right now he looks very relaxed but i just he looks very comfortable sitting there i just think he's depressed uh a lot of the time i think i have a depressed dog i think that's just his to me like just like me i think i'm a depressed person and sometimes i am good and sometimes i'm not and uh sometimes this little seal pup is just a sad fellow. Well, a sad little boy. And then like he meets other dogs and sometimes he gets too excited. Sometimes he gets scared.

It's just like he's all over the place. And I really just feel like it's a reflection of me because I know that whatever your dogs like pick up your energy. And I just wish I had better energy. I think it just tells you things about yourself that you aren't really aware of. When people are like, why is my dog so freaked out? It's like, because he's looking to you and you're freaked out. And you're like, no, I'm calm. I'm not freaked out.

It's like, well, you're putting out some kind of energy, dude, that's making you a little, like he's picking up on something so or or your dog is not looking to you at all and you have no control over your dog doesn't respect you if your dog isn't like feeling your energy to see how to act that means your dog doesn't look to you as like a leader and then it's all fucked so either your dog is you or your dog is not you in which case you're bad dog owner or like you're you know what i mean does that make sense yeah you just need to feed your dog is you or your dog is not you in which case you're bad dog owner or like you're you know what i mean does that make sense yeah you just need to feed your dog more like be the one that gives it food so he respect he or she respects you no i do give him food but then he doesn't even want it and he's very well it doesn't matter dog stuff is so boring like i when people start

talking about the dogs i just tune out no matter what um so I I believe that I am also in that this girl though on the street I will say just freaked out at how cute he was like freaked out and he is cute but he's not that cute I go this girl must just walk throughout life freaking out all the time because everything's cute but Luigi is pretty cute um but I just don't get that response usually I'll give you another perspective because I lost my dog last September and now every time I see a dog on the street I'm just like oh my god that dog is so cute so I think it's just like because I don't have one anymore it's just like an overwhelming feeling so maybe she has that going on it's a good point whenever you see cute kids or like cute babies sometimes i just

go like is my enthusiasm for how cute this child is for this tired mother like is she kind of like over it and like yeah you take her for a day or does that breathe some life into the mother's um energy of like oh wait a second i forgot this thing that i'm kind of tired of being around all the time uh can make other people go i appreciate it more when you know when someone like admires something that you take for granted you go oh my god actually i am lucky to have it so it could be that um but most of the time when they're cute kids or when someone compliments your dog and is like, like today on the street, classic, I did not lying me. A girl walked by. She had a dog, which was very cute.

The dogs interacted. She asked Luigi. She goes, what's his name? And I said, Luigi. And I didn't reciprocate because I don't care. I don't care what her dog's name is. It doesn't change anything about the dog for me. Maybe it would have been a cute name and that would have been some kind of talking point,

but I just couldn't. I was like, Nikki, be nice. You should reciprocate. And then I was like, I don't care. It's going to be a waste of this woman's voice. And honestly, the dog doesn't really understand its name. I don't care. Last night was super duper fun for my birthday. We went to the Funny Bone, the St. Louis Funny Bone, which is like where I started doing comedy back in 2003, I think is when I took my first class up there and went to dinner nearby and then went with my family over to the funny bone. There was an open mic happening. I did not want to go on stage. We just went next door to this club and went and did karaoke that was just open for us. I was, I paid the DJ and everything. So it was like, I threw a party. It was, it was fun.

And my family sang. A bunch of people from the open mic that were there just like watching comics and also comics from the open mic came over afterwards. So it was like a bunch of people I didn't know. And then a lot of people I did know. And a lot of old friends, new friends. It was so fun. And my mom and dad sang.

I sang. Taylor Swift was saying, my parents sang Stevie Wonder's. Stevie Wonder wrote a song called Happy Birthday for Martin Luther King Jr. Happy birthday to you. Okay, everyone knows that song, right? It goes on like four minutes. And it's just a long birthday. Birthday songs are already humiliating to get through when someone's singing it to you. It's already too long of a song. Happy birthday. That is, it's excruciating having all that attention on me.

As someone who is a comedian who demands attention on me all the time, I hate being singled out for something I didn't accomplish, i.e. living another year. But this year I surrendered and let people be excited for me and enjoy it and not feel like, oh my God, I have to go talk to all these people because they came up here to the Funny Bone to celebrate my birthday. I owe it to them. I it's there i didn't invite i didn't invite everyone it is their prerogative to be here if i don't get a chance to talk to everyone or talk to anyone for that matter it's okay and it's not like i just like let myself off the hook because there were so many people to talk to and there were so many drunk people there too that i didn't know that had the that were going to be brazen enough to come up to me and kind of be annoying so I just didn't

I was sitting in the very front of the room because I just wanted to keep this and then my parents and my family were right behind me and then friends were right there was like a circle and then in the back there was like you know drunk people that were at the show and fans of comedy love meeting fans of comedy just wanted to be kind of isolated last night like i didn't want to be like the bell of a ball i just want to sing karaoke and cheer on my friends um but my parents saying happy birthday the martin luther king version from stevie wonder and they not only did they take out Martin Luther King's name and put in my name which felt just like a very like something that could get us all canceled if it ended up somewhere as soon as Andrew and I were laughing they didn't mean to they were just singing it and then they're

putting an opposite name in for the person whose birthday it was but it's Martin Luther King Jr. the song goes on so long I told Andrew halfway through it because it's just like over and over happy birthday i said andrew i was like martin luther king jr is like thankfully he never had to hear this song played for him because it's too long to have your birthday sang to you for that long like he i'm I'm sure he's grateful he's dead that he never had to sit through a birthday song for him being honored is so not fun because as someone who is in control like likes to be in control you don't get to be in control like the other night when I saw Elton John being honored at the I Heart Awards he looked uncomfortable because he wanted to be it was it was you know clips of him and he was

sitting through it and and dealing with it as good as possible but like it's just like out of your hands and I don't like it and it makes you look like you love this and that's your and every and then I'm looking at people on their phones just like not wanting to be I'm worried about everyone else you know and it just becomes fraught but I let it go last night and was just having fun I really was I sang um Taylor Swift's uh me which is maybe her least popular song single off lover that she sang with Brandon Urie from Panic at the Disco and I did it with Tim Convy my ex-boyfriend's brother who is also a comedian and one of my best friends. And we sang it and he did the boy parts and I did the girl parts and it was so fun. And it was just like everything I ever wanted to be. And I performed

like Taylor Swift. I was just like pretending to be Taylor Swift and it was really freeing and fun. And I also sang Shake It Off and my mom sang Fiona Apple's Criminal. My dad sang, I don't know what. Andrew screamed over things. He doesn't really have any sense of tempo or tone, which is hilarious. No concept that he is off key so severely. And off is key. It doesn't bother me as much as off tempo off time yeah

off time so has no concept of time and it's excruciating but god love him he was a good hype man for so many people ari was there i mean it was so much fun i'm trying to think of any um specific highlights uh it's a lot i just felt felt, felt very loved, felt very, uh, appreciated. I was a little annoyed because here's the thing. I love karaoke. I don't like singing by myself though, because I think it is too indulgent. I think I don't sound good enough. I sound decent by the way. I'm like a six and a half seven at karaoke and I don't I know that's not good enough to hold a song on my own for four minutes but people have no problem getting up there by themselves and just doing a song. Karaoke to me I always share it with someone or I pick a song that at least some people will know.

So either I'm going to pick a song that people will be entertained by because two people are carrying it. So two sevens are going to make a 14. I don't know what that means. Or at least like there's someone else enjoying it as much as me, the performance part. Cause let's be honest, karaoke is rarely enjoyed by the audience or it is, or I don't, I don't sing by myself. No one probably would notice this, or I don't sing by myself. No one probably would notice this, but I didn't sing one song by myself last night. And I was annoyed a little bit

because I wanted to sing a song, well, I wasn't, I guess I was, I have to talk to her about it, but my mom at one point was gonna sing Criminal by Fiona Apple, which is also my karaoke song, but she was like, I'm gonna sing Criminal. And I was like,'m gonna sing criminal and i was like i'll sing that with her it'll be so fun because we both like know it really well it would

be fucking great and i go lauren you should sing it too my sister they had three mics and lauren's like no i'm just gonna let mom's mom just wants to sing it and i go well i'm gonna sing it and she goes i think mom wants to sing it on her own and i go mom do you mind if I sing it and she was like I'm gonna do it on my own and I go oh okay um yeah sure and I'm just like why why if your daughter wants to sing it with this is why I get hurt by my family and friends it's these dumb little things where it's like if something would make me happier on my birthday to share it with my mom, and I'm good at, I don't volunteer for things I'm not good at. Why wouldn't you let me sing it with you?

Why do you have to sing it on your own? And I just don't know the answer to that. And I think it's because she just wanted the spotlight for herself, which obviously I understand as someone who enjoys the spotlight for herself, which obviously I understand as someone who enjoys spotlight. But I understand that for, I guess I get it alone myself enough that that's why it's special for me to share it outside of that. So my mom doesn't get it alone, but it was annoying to me and I let it slide, but here I am bringing it up. So it actually, I sat there and I was like, enjoy the song, even though you know, it would be so much more fun if you were singing it with your mom. But it's like, my parents can't share the spotlight very well. Let me just say that. I don't think. But maybe I get that from them too. I don't know. It was just weird to me on my birthday, but no one would ever even notice that Nikki didn't sing a song by herself. No one would go, oh, maybe that's the right way to go about karaoke

because no one likes to hear you sing karaoke, everyone listening, unless you are seriously so impressive and deserve to be an American idol. No one enjoys it. So in order to make it better for other people, either pick a song that the whole room knows and can sing along with or share it with someone else. Those are my gripes this morning. Can I ever just be positive the whole time? No. Did I have so much fun last night?

Yes. Did I kill Cardi B's up? Yes. Did the black gentleman who was running the, Terrence, who was running the karaoke seem to doubt me when I picked Cardi B's Up and think that I couldn't handle it? Was it because the N-word is scattered throughout it? Possibly. Did I skip over the N-word at every perfect time? Yes. Did I sing it by myself by myself no i sang it with tim convey's brought new bride uh emma convey who also knew the song very well and we destroyed cardi b's up which if you listen to it it is very hard i also sang wop with andrew um bottom line is always

sing karaoke with someone else to minimize the excruciating uh torture for everyone having to listen to your voice which you think sounds good and doesn't sound as good as you think it does um pretty much in every case but karaoke is fun i will be doing it again and let's get it 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year it's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities i'm joel oh Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

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podcasts. Can you hear it? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, The one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your podcasts. Okay. Hello, Andrew. How'd you sleep last night, bud?

I slept all right. Yeah? Not too well? You didn't get up early this morning to work out? Well, because the pod was earlier. And we got in late, and I drank coffee at 6 p.m., and then I had about nine Diet Cokes just as, because I wanted to be up and ready for your party. You know, we did karaoke.

Karaoke tends to be a nine Jaeger bombs before we get up on stage and sing. So instead, I just drank about 80,000 milligrams of caffeine to fucking kill it on shoop, shoop-da-doop, shoop-da-op dad hoop remember when i ordered i said you were gonna get a diet coke last night at dinner and you go no i don't need

any i'm just gonna have water i didn't say that yeah i tried to order you a diet coke i know that was my mom and then everyone had a diet coke later i predicted you'd all want diet cokes i got a diet coke before i heard your right away Right away? Yeah, it wasn't like a Sam Adams situation. Oh, what's that? Oh, all of a Sam Adams. That sounds good. Yeah, all of a Diet Coke. Wait, why did you,

why do you need, you needed the caffeine? Yeah, I just, I like, first of all, I love Diet Coke. I only drink it, I don't buy it. I only drink it when I go out

and I feel like I need to like step it up and have some fun. I mean, I know it sounds cheesy but because of the caffeine yeah okay and um i don't know i had so much fun last night dinner was unbelievable we went did you already talk about it no god i mean i didn't say where we went oh we went to this place called uh st louis social or something westport social westport social they had basketball hoops but real basketball hoops, not just like the game basketball hoop.

I mean, I've never seen this in a bar. And all you need as a guy is a ball and a hoop and then just a competition. And we're good for dinner. Dinner was better. We came back in a good mood. We shot some hoops. Yeah, they went off and shot hoops

while we waited for our dinner. My family all just sat. My sister and my mom and dad and I just all sat and talked. And then Ari and Andrew and Matt, my sister's husband, went and shot hoops. It's so fun to shoot some hoops. Matt, I fucking love Matt. I love Ari. I told you.

But yeah. Have I not been saying since day one that my brother-in-law is the best person? I want him to divorce your sister and leave his kids so we can hang out so we can have him because yeah we said last night i go because i go oh so right when they walked away the three of them within minutes um someone came over you came over and that was seven for seven matt just did seven for seven like seven baskets in a row and you ran away and Lauren was like yeah he's pretty good athlete and I go Andrew just fell in love I think they were

hard he was a heart eye emoji he was like I go Andrew just his respect for Matt just went up so much I go this is this is something just happened this was like a love at first sight thing like you finally what is it with girls that like right because i know with guys if you can hit a three-pointer or throw a football 40 yards like on a dime it's gonna be hard for me not to be your friend like you're really gonna have to do something you're gonna have to kill my mom if you could throw a football good like that's honestly where it's at because if you could throw a good spiral, it's right into my heart. You're talking to me of the people at Philip Morris. The cigarette? Who created cigarettes.

Yeah. All were. Could throw a football. First of all, they can because they're Marlboro men. Yeah. So all those men you forgive for ultimately creating. Killing my mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If he threw a good pose pattern. Wait, what is it for girls right away that you're like okay this is i know what i mean i'm gonna try to take this one and then i want you to do you have something in your mind already yes i do okay i would say it's a woman with confidence like a woman who doesn't seem when you know that from something they do right like you well i think it's just an energy you pick up on where it's like this woman isn't trying too hard with makeup hair outfit but everything looks put together there's no effort being put and she seems to not care what people

think and when i see a woman like that it really makes me just uh I just fall in love. I just want them near me. I just want, because I want what they have. I mean, I think you want what the guy has. You want to be around like athletic prowess. And I want to be around a woman who doesn't look to a man or anyone else for validation. It literally goes down to like caveman shit.

Like he throws a ball good. this girl looks good like a bird like a colorful bird you know what it's not even looks like it just doesn't need shit from men or women yeah no what about you uh so for me it's uh it's a little bit more simple it's just like a messy purse like if i see someone with like junk at the bottom of their purse, like if they pull something out and like there's something else attached to it. Yes. Oh, Noah,

that is so true. That, that tells me though that it's someone else flawed. If she's fine about it, if she's insecure about it, then I go, okay, she's like me.

Let's bring her in. Let's like work on ourselves together. I will love this person. But I guess that's the kind of thing I'm thinking about. But but a messy purse means like i don't really care how you view me or some women have messy purses and are totally shamed of it uh like lizzie cooperman and i became best friends because i was on the comedy store stoop in 2006 we were both smoking cigarettes at the time she was just another girl standing next to me and i was like hey do you have a light and she was digging through her bag to find a lighter and i kind of looked inside her bag to be like maybe it's in that pocket she was like oh my god i would literally

you can't look inside here it's disgusting i would rather you look inside my vagina and i knew instantly that i would be friends with her because of how funny that was but it you know now for me i'm very attracted to women who have what i don't have i have that now and i have enough friends that have that and i feel close to women that are messy but when a girl esther pavitsky when i heard her on lisa vanderpump's podcast which lisa vanderpump i'm very intimidated by i don't think there's anyone that my mom would break her back cleaning her house more for to appear in front of you know i mean like lisa vanderbilt's like top society like need to impress that woman i feel like lisa wouldn't care if your house was dirty though she comes off that way exactly she but my mom does not allow

any yeah does not think that anyone judges people the way that my mom must judge people a lot because she just thinks everyone thinks she's white trash for everything she does so but but i remember little esther went on lisa vanderpump's podcast i was listening to it because i was supposed to do it the following day and she was talking about how messy her car was to lisa and she was like there's like just like lacroix cans all over and like she was describing it in such detail that i was like this vulnerability and this I don't give a fuck around Lisa Vanderpump and I am who I am and it doesn't make me a bad person which I would have I would have had my car detailed to even go on Lisa Vanderpump's property which she wouldn't have even seen it you know like I would have been parked a mile away on her driveway but just even stepping foot

I would have felt like a dirty hobo just in my nicest outfit at Lisa Vanderpump's house. My socks would have been like meticulously picked out for Lisa Vanderpump and just to have someone and I just loved little Esther so much

in that moment. I called her and I was like that really changed everything for me that you were so open about being gross. Well, people sometimes relate like a dirty room or a dirty house with depression

and that does happen. Like certain people are depressed. For me, well people sometimes relate like a gross like a dirty room or a dirty house with depression and that does happen like yeah certain people are depressed for me and it's like my it's like my father like when you would walk into his office even his doctor's office he had like folders everywhere his car had folders like everything but it's not because he was depressed it's just add like maybe he was depressed i'm just saying that I think, like, in high school, my car, if you opened up the back, like, shit would just fall out. Just, like, close. My locker was.

It's not a good sign. It's probably not the best sign, but I just didn't notice it. Like, it wasn't like, I'm sad. My car's, like, I can't clean my car. It wasn't even, like, a thought. It wasn't. I know. Whatever.

You weren't ashamed of it? No, I almost, like, leaned into it. I was like a thought it wasn't i know and i whatever you weren't ashamed of it no i almost like leaned into it i just i may be because i was so ashamed of it but part of me maybe i kept it dirty so then i wouldn't be able to go on dates maybe it was a way to like get ahead of it away i mean that's a lot of times people you know become obese or become don't take care of themselves because they've been hurt in the past and they don't want people to touch them again and they realize oh this will keep people away or i'll get ahead of it yeah my space messy because i mean ultimately it's about your self-worth like you don't deserve a clean locker you i clean up when someone else comes over they deserve my house to

be clean i don't deserve my house to be clean in my house. It's like that kind of thing. It's just so funny when you go to a girl's house and they're like, don't, don't judge me. And there's literally four pieces of clothing. I can't deal with it. It's so annoying to me when people say their house is messy and you walk in. It's nice. Whose house was gross?

It wasn't even gross. It was just messy the other day. And I go, thank you for having your house actually messy. Yeah. It was a friend of mine that i went over and i go i'm so happy to see an actually messy house that makes me feel good about mine because it's not messy it's just a lived-in house you're not yes gross there's not food out where in fact my place does have food out like i'm i'm kind of gross and I've just accepted it about myself.

Because the second you just go, my room is messy, and it's not because I'm a bad person. Like now I just go, you've had a busy week, and maybe you're not feeling too good about yourself this week, and this is a reflection of it. But that's okay. That's where you're at. You don't need to, on top of that, say you're a bad person.

Obviously, you're struggling. Look at your room. So like even today. Sam Morrell has that great bit about going back to the girl she's like i i'm you know my house is a mess he's like yeah you're fucking me i assume your whole life is in shambles that's hilarious and really so i mean that's the truth that's what comedy is so funny when it's the truth i um we got to get to the news but i i lately i've been saying on stage this joke about i guess have you ever thought about the fact that when you came out of your mom's vagina as a baby your mouth hit her vagina like you've gone down on your mom kind of have you ever thought about that um honestly no i'm trying to think i the reason why is because

i had i had the cord around my neck you still had to pass through no so they had an emergency c-section okay then you did it no what did you come into your mom no i still did though but it was an hour later i went back i i never want to think about that but i mean have you bring that up have you has it ever crossed your mind ever ever never that is definitely why did it cross your mind because i thought it was i don't know yeah uh i'm not judging it either i can't believe it's not crossed everyone's mind because i think about coming out of my mom's vagina as a baby and i think about how my head probably had to pass there and my mouth probably went on my mom's vagina well people get herpes that way babies have gotten

herpes from their own mom so i i have a joke about it where it's like would you it's a joke about you know covid and i talk about giving it to your parents and how it's like oral sex you don't want i don't mind getting it but i don't want to give it to my parents it's a dumb joke and i go well if you had to do it would you rather blow your dad or go down to your mom and then everyone the audience is like grossed out i'm like but really think about it and then i say that i would rather go down to my mom because I've already done it. Because when you were a baby, you came out and everyone goes, oh, and I go, how have you all? I go, I can't tell if I'm just bringing something up.

You've all like pushed away. Because to me, I thought that was common knowledge. Like everyone made that realization and just tucked it away. So then I go, that's the beauty of comedy is that is comedy. By the way, stand up comedy. If you're ever wondering what is good stand up comedy and when when you're like i love that guy it generally is and i'm not saying this joke is a good example but it is kind of i'm not saying that joke is funny and i'm gonna keep it but do look for it in my upcoming special um comedy is when a comedian the best comedy is when you point

out something very specific to a general public that everyone goes oh my god I've never thought of that but it's so true that's the most you can win as a comedian is picking a thing that someone has lived their whole life and never put together but it is non there's no way it's

not true yeah so yeah unless you had a c-section unless you had a c-section or your mom's vagina was so loose that you just fell out and nothing touched it oh yeah it was just a gaper and you just kind of fell out on the floor and then like it's almost like that what's the the operation game like if you don't hit the edges it doesn't go like you fell out like a wishbone with a steady hand playing operation. That game freaked me out. That game was wild. It really gave me anxiety.

Let's get to the news. The news. Apparently. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. I love that. I hope you're having all of the swells out there.

You're having a great time. I really do. It comes from the heart. I swear that. I hope you're having all the swells out there. You're having a great time. I really do. It comes from the heart, I swear. Okay, first story. Researchers say that after testing fell during the pandemic, a surge in STDs is ahead. Investigators reviewed data on more than 18 million STD test results from patients 14 to 49 from January 2019 to 2020.

They found screening declines of 63% of men and 59% of women. So less people are getting tested. So they feel like, you know, more people are going to get it because they don't even realize. Because so many STDs like gonorrhea and chlamydia are asymptomatic. So people are going to be fucking a lot this summer, apparently. So there's going to be a surge. There's now a downtick, but it's only due to not because it's not out there.

It's just less people are getting tested. I believe that's kind of what I read. But yeah, I mean, less people probably also had sex during COVID. Daring. And because since they haven't been tested, they haven't been treated either. So it's more likely to spread. So if we're talking about some asymptomatic STDs, what's, what are we,

why don't we want to get them then? If there ain't no symptoms. Well, because they're symptomatic to other people. Oh, so like you, like if I gave you gonorrhea and I don't feel anything, but then it burns when you piss.

Why doesn't it burn when you piss? Maybe because I got something else that's fighting it so you have two stds two negative two positives making negative wait no that's not mad think about hpv yeah think about hpv for men it's it's kind of nothing i guess like on their penis or like if it's in their mouth it's different but for women it could turn to cervical cancer yes and it can yes and then it can turn into throat cancer esophageal cancer i think for men um yeah that makes sense um my question is can i get the gardasil vaccine now as a because i remember it's like get your girls i was thought about this can you get the hpv vaccine after yeah like can i get guarda still now and even though i i think i did i i mean i've had abnormal pap smears in the past so hpv was definitely in my past however haven't had it

reported in a pap smear in i would say eight years ten years maybe so is it gone the viruses don't go should we google that i mean maybe one of our listeners can let us know but it's okay i regard covid you could get covid right but and then you could get the vaccine after you've had covid right and then you're good but you still can get covid but a very small percentage it's just not as symptomatic right so i guess maybe if you treat hpv my problem is why do we not know all of the answers about covid can i just say real quick what don't we know my beef with covid and the vaccine is if you don't want to get the vaccine i don't care and tell me if i need someone who really knows what they're talking about to explain to me why someone goes you got to wear your mask because people could people need

to get the vaccine because then they can spread it to people and i go yeah to people who didn't get the vaccine so yeah if you're getting it everyone has access to the vaccine right at this point pretty much well in Well, in our country. In our country. Okay, let's just say in our country. And if you can't get the vaccine because you're pregnant or you're doing something, wear a goddamn mask and stay away from people. You need to protect yourself from people in the way that you want to.

If people who didn't get the vaccine give it to other people, those people are probably people that didn't get the vaccine too. In which case, you signed up for it. You're taking the risk by not getting the vaccine give it to other people those people are probably people that didn't get the vaccine too in which case you signed up for it you're taking the risk by not getting the vaccine you know the the risk and because you don't want to do the vaccine because you feel that it is a bigger risk to take it than um chancing it so what's the problem if people who have signed who don't want to wear a seat belt get in a car wreck i it's not my responsibility it only affects them and the seatbelt affects the one person it doesn't affect the other people but the other people okay unless

they fly through and then hit the other people without a seatbelt everyone everyone gets stopped up at this i understand that being in not wearing a seatbelt only affects you but if you don't get the vaccine andrew right and then so what's the problem there you could give some you could give it to someone right i mean i guess the idea but hold on yeah yeah so you might give it to someone right yeah if you don't have the vaccine yeah and that's why it's a problem it's like god you get the vaccine you might give it to someone who might you give it to to someone with the vaccine or without the vaccine without the vaccine so they also chose to not have the vaccine sure so they know the risk so who cares if people that don't get the vaccine get covid i don't care

anymore i don't care if they get covid i just care that it's still part of our country and still spreading why don't we all let it go and just say that people that don't get the vaccine can get covid and bye-bye i mean i don't want you to die but like no you could say that i'm not why don't why don't we all get on board with that and let people do whatever the fuck they want i understand if it's like making hospitals strain and it's shutting down businesses we need to all i say no more masks ever and if you don't get the vaccine it's your goddamn fault and it protect the people that can't get the vaccine for reasons other than their own choice and those people do need to take precaution. I don't care if you don't get the vaccine. If you risk dying from COVID, that's your risk.

I don't care. It's not about caring. It's about just like the excuses to not take the vaccine are just for a lot of people are just, it doesn't seem. But if someone doesn't want to wear a seatbelt or a helmet, why are we going to force them to do that? Why do you make me wear a seatbelt when we're in the car? Because your body might fly all over and hit me,

and I am wearing a seatbelt. Well, that's the point about COVID. No, it's not. Because the only person you would injure in a car without a seatbelt is another person without a seatbelt on. No, because I would injure you because you're wearing a seatbelt. I know, but if you have COVID and you don't have the vaccine and you give it to someone, you can only injure other people that don't have the vaccine

who have their then decided so where is the problem i don't because it still exists because it's still annoying but it's only affecting people who don't want to protect themselves from it no but it doesn't just affect those people it affects the people that take the vaccine because it affects businesses i don't understand why that why businesses are being affected because we're still protecting people who aren't getting the vaccine let's stop protecting them they have a choice to protect themselves they don't want to let's live amongst them freely look i'm not i think this is when you told me this it made me because at first i was very like i i just didn't understand why because people that walk around with 20 vaccines in them,

they don't even question it. But now all of a sudden they're smarter than the smartest guy in the room. I just don't understand. I don't care. But, but I'm saying I was upset about that. That was the one thing I was upset about. I was like, why are we even thinking about this?

You're eating a fucking Sonic bacon cheeseburger from a guy with no gloves, but you won't trust the scientists in a billion dollar lab. Yeah. It just didn't make sense to me. So that's what makes me angry is the, the irony the hip whatever people being hypocrites now but then when you said hey look they're choosing not to take it if they get sick they get sick it's their choice you're fine so with all that being said it relaxed me and i'm like okay let them do their fucking thing yeah it's not gonna i'm not gonna think about it anymore i mean i honestly have never felt so confused in my life than talking about people

who don't want the vaccine. I think it is a done deal. Everyone know where no mass, because everyone has access to the vaccine, which obviously cuts down on your chances of getting it. If you choose not to get it, you might get it. And then it's not our fault.

And I just want to say that I understand on our infrastructure, it makes people like people can't work if they get covid hospitals get cramped hospitals are not over overstuffed right now um there are businesses i'm sure that are shut down but that's only because we're being too critical of people that haven't gotten the vaccine who have already put themselves at risk if you want to go to into a war zone without a bulletproof vest that's your prerogative and if you want to use other people without bulletproof vests as your shield they also chose to not wear bulletproof vests and i don't care die get sick whatever it's your choice yeah i'm i look i'm with you i don't want you to die and i think you should get

it because i want you to protect yourself but and because i've did it and i haven't any side effects but if you don't want it i literally don't care and your whole point about you eat a bacon cheeseburger, you don't know what's in it, there's that, I don't like that frame of logic. Why? Because,

just because you do one thing that's blindly stupid doesn't mean you need to do all the things that are blindly stupid. It doesn't make one more blindly stupid thing better to do.

That's just my point. Next story. but the other thing isn't blindly stupid. Eating a bacon cheeseburger that you don't like. No, getting a vaccine is not blindly stupid. How do you know? You point next yeah but the other thing isn't blindly stupid eating a bacon cheese burger getting a vaccine is not blindly how do you how do you know you're putting it into the same category so why shouldn't i you're saying that you trust a bacon i'm saying one is extremely blindly blindly stupid okay and the other one is not yeah you're doing a blindly stupid one

the people that aren't getting it they're stupid and blind blind. I mean, I say that, like, I don't know. I honestly see good points on both sides. And I just think that if you are willing to take that risk, then all the right to you. And I'm just going to keep not wearing a mask. I'm not protecting you anymore. Also, buy tickets to the show. We don't care.

Just come to the show. I'm vaccinated. Not vaccinated. Come to the show. I guess care just come to the show i'm not vaccinated come to the show i guess it's selfish i do want to understand though if my logic is flawed in any way other than yeah write us in and then explain let's let's figure it out the only reason our economy is taxed is because we're still having to do covid protocols for to protect people that already opted out the only reason why the economy is open is because people decided to take the vaccine i know so we're good now it's out so we're good i know but that's the that's the logic right

there people we're open because people took the vaccine i understand that but now that there's an option to now that there's band-aids out there for everyone's cuts if you have a cut and you don't want to wear a bandage i don't care all right so we had to we had to shut down things because there wasn't a vaccine now there is you have a choice to get vaccinated and now if you don't want it then just go out there and live your life that's fine that's fine i'm not i'm not i'm not disagreeing with you i'm just saying there's no reason to be angry with people who aren't getting vaccinated in my in my frame of view but i am very uneducated with this so i would like to be uh you know enlightened by anyone who actually knows facts.

Okay. Anyways, next story, the Peregrine Falcon have natural. Huh? Yeah. Peregrine. I think it's Peregrine.

The Peregrine. I love these because people write in, they go, actually, Andrew said Peregrine the first time. Yeah. I mean, maybe you did.

Is it Peregrine? You're making me pair frown. I'll tell you that okay so there is an r at the end there no peregrine uh falcon has natural eye makeup that improves their ability to target fast-moving prey in bright sunlight they have eyeliner feathers that help their eyes so they can attack and they look pretty as fuck I mean they're adorable aren't they no wait let me see oh yeah they're so they have a smoky eye

and they have like that is so cute I love that because it proves that eyeliner and eye makeup serves a you know survival purpose a evolutionary purpose which is to deflect the light coming

into your eye that's why football players wear the smudge underneath their eyes right because the stadium lights yeah yeah yeah or sunlight when we wear eyeliner first of all noah eyeliner is like the number one like thing that makes you look better can we all agree men don't even know it agreed i don't know if if men notice or women men don't notice as men notice but they don't realize they notice as much as women think they know oh my god eyeliner was always my survivor thing like if i brought one thing on the survivor island eyeliner or mascara because mascara can double as eyeliner if you could smudge it enough you kind of like rub it around it can give you a smoky eye but yeah that is the number one thing that um that's what you would bring on an island if you had what about like no i mean on if i was on survivor a tv show where they let you

bring one thing i'm not gonna bring like a journal so you look good on but then your whole body looks dirty except your eyes no you, you'll look great. I'll look like spray tanned with dirt. Everyone on Survivor always looks so tan. There's something hot about like. You lose weight. You look like dehydrated and like you look like, I don't know. My buddy's dad went on Survivor.

Really? His name was Danny Limbo. That sounds familiar. Or Limbo. Limbo. And he. How low can you go? Very low, actually.

He was a little man. But strong. But he brought loafers. Like, that was his whole thing. He brought, like, Italian, like. That's not a bad idea. Like, $5,000 loafers onto the island. I mean, I'm sure that was his thing.

You know what I mean? Like, he thought he was going to be known like Danny Loafers. But they're like, no, your last name's Lembo. I think we're going to go with that. He brought a limbo bar. What would you bring on a survivor island one object that you get to bring i mean are we're just talking about the show or the yeah the show survivor um hmm condoms really yeah i mean the last thing you want is a disease on an island i do know know that when you're starving, you don't want to fuck. And you pretty much become starving almost immediately on that show.

I think that romances do develop on that show, but no one be fucking. Not no one. I haven't seen the show in a while, but condoms really. I don't know. It was my first thing that came to mind. You scared of gonorrhea? I was thinking about maybe some kind of some kind of like object to protect myself. But I guess that's not really the quickly in a relationship.

Can I not wear condoms when I finally get one? The very first day. I think I'll just get tested. We'll both get tested. Nothing's hotter than two guys, two people getting tested. I think it's kind of hot to know that you can just like come all over each other and not catch anything. It's pretty hot and be inside each other. My God, we told funny masturbation stories

last night at dinner. My dad was just sitting there quietly and didn't want to share his because we were just talking about young boys, wet dreams and smearing cum on the... And my dad, I knew I had stories to tell and he finally told some and I was just... It was fun to hear my dad.

Your mom being uncomfortable with... What did Ari fuck? What was Ari saying? Oh, he got silly putty. He stored up silly putty and put it inside. to hear my dad your mom being uncomfortable with what what did ari fuck what was ari saying oh he got silly putty he stored up silly putty and put it inside he he would go yeah he would go to a toy store and they would run out because he was buying all the silly putty so he can make a flashlight with a tennis ball yeah tennis can yeah um i mean the things you do. Can I, going back to makeup real quick and things you don't notice. Noah, the other day, Andrew, we were watching something and Andrew was like, wow, pink lips are really like an attractive thing.

What were we watching? Friends. Was it? No, no, it was something else. But yeah, I just, I didn't really notice girls wearing pink lipstick until recently. I always wear like, my favorite lipstick is pink. I hate a darker shade. It just never looks good until recently. I always wear, like, my favorite lipstick is pink. I hate a darker shade. It just never looks good on me.

I always wear, like, light pink. And Andrew goes, pink lipstick looks really good. I was like, it's definitely my favorite. He's like, because it makes your lips, like, girls' lips look like a pussy. And I was like, I know. I go, that's why your lips, when you're ovulating as a woman, get fuller. That's why women want fuller lips,ulating as a woman get fuller that's why women

want fuller lips because it's all leading to like being a an ape and presenting your vagina like making men think about sex the clueless really nailed it when she's when share is sitting in class and she's like you take off your clothes you show more skin because skin makes guys think about sex and you like put the pen in your mouth because they look at your lips and it makes them think, anything that you can do to make men think about sex.

Is that why you go with brown? My lips. For anal. Yeah, I just smear pudding around my lips to make people really know the hole I would like to be penetrated um women's mouths are so much hotter than men's i don't know what it is about a woman's mouth but it's like i love when you're about to make out with someone and they like you just look at each other's mouths that's when you know it's on when you look at someone's mouth a lot or

they're deaf or they're like or it's a deaf person i'm talking to and they're reading my lips and i'm like do you want to make out and they're like no that's the only way i can have a death person neither i haven't i would though i'm now um really uh working on my feet i want hot feet again because i what do you want to do with them i mean i feel i already like my feet even though i have bun. Like I never have thought my bunions are disgusting. Some people have. But I feel like I have really they're spray tan right now. But I feel like I have like feminine feet.

They're long and skinny. Like they don't look like men's feet. And I feel like I would like them. Like I want I heard that Machine Gun Kelly interview yesterday where he's talking about having a foot fetish. It really turned me on. Your feet are very skinny. Yeah. Like narrow. Yeah. I heard that Machine Gun Kelly interview yesterday where he was talking about having a foot fetish. It really turned me on. Your feet are very skinny. Yeah.

Like narrow. Yeah. We have the same size shoe, but your foot, you would think, is way longer than mine. Yes. Because of how it's elongated. It's like a ballerina. But it definitely is a woman's foot,

even though it's jacked up with a bunion. But that makes it even more womanly. I think I might get into like, I, I'm, I'm trying, I just want my, I'm going to spend more time on pedicures.

I'm, and I'm going to wear more shoes with like, I only have one pair of shoes, Noah, that show my toes. One, I don't have, you know,

besides flip flops. Cause I hate my toes. I've always been so ashamed of bunions. And now after hearing the, my celebrity crush is a foot guy. I'm like, I gotta fix my feet. I gotta.

And so many men are. And the thing is, I like having my foot rubbed. I feel it's erotic. Do girls know this guy's feet? You know it's our hands, right? Yeah, I like a guy's feet. I like to massage guys' feet that I like. What would you rate mine?

I just cut my toenails, so it's not the greatest. They're okay. I've been told's not the greatest. They're okay. I've been told I have cute feet. They are cute. Yeah, they're nice. If I loved you, I could love your feet. If I was like a, you know. My mom's pinky toe goes above her.

Oh, yeah, that's just from shoes. Or it's a genetic thing. I've seen that before. Yeah, we kind of have the same toe a little hammer toe of the the pinky they say if your second toe is longer than your first toe you can fuck good which is whoever thought of that obviously their second toe was longer than their first toe mine's longer yeah yeah yeah it's longer um yeah but those kind of things are so funny some guy was like dude my toe is weird i it's

oh it's because i fuck good yeah wait how long is your middle finger when you put up your hand way longer than your other fingers how much longer about a half an inch yeah yeah yeah okay that makes sense i was playing guitar and i was like i think my middle finger is too long um are you into feet and i mean i just i just know i'm into feet i've always been and like for some reason listening to machine gun kelly normalize it and for him to be someone that i'm like into it like i'm like oh my and like my new celeb crush i just like i'm like i'm back into i want to like really embrace feet and i'm just i'm a freaking freak recently i like am a sex freak and I cannot freaking wait to be in my next

relationship. I'm going to do some wild stuff. That guy's going to be exhausted. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you got a lot of, a lot of, a lot of getting done.

I mean, yeah. I mean, I don't think exhausted. It's just going to be so fun. I don't know who it will be, but if you're out there listening, it's going to feel like you lost your Virginia again. It's been that long where so fun. I don't know who it will be, but if you're out there listening.

It's going to feel like you lost your virginity again. It's been that long. I know. A dick has not been. I mean, granted, you've been using toys, but like. It has been. I think tomorrow will be exactly two years from the last time I had sex. And yeah. I mean, just imagine you just getting like doggy style.

No, no, no. Not my favorite. Kitty cat style. No, no, no, not my favorite. Kitty cat style. Yeah, that's more like it. No, doggy is just like meh. Tarantula style. I mean, I wanted to have sex so bad. I mean, I've been in positions where it could have happened many times

and just didn't let it, but man, but I, because I knew that sex is the best when you're in love. Like I can't wait to have sex when I'm in love with someone and they love me too. Like I've never really felt that and I am holding out for it and I know it is in my future and it's going to be the goddamn best. Like I, or I'm going to just hire someone to fucking tie me up and bang me i can't wait for you and it won't be love it'll just be uh transactional the first time you fuck in two

years the guy nuts in like three seconds just like how you lost your virginity great you know like yeah i would love that i could take that as a compliment i would take it as a compliment you're like you can finally fuck me entered my soon as she entered my vagina. Oh my God, last night. Oh my God. You were horned up? No, the waiter last night.

Oh yeah, with the fanny pack. Can I just share a little anecdote? So Andrew got me a fanny pack. I'm telling my mom about it and we're like, she goes,

a fanny pack? And I go, yeah, did you know that, I don't know what it got its name from, either, you know,

fanny meaning butt in American, you know, Fanny meaning butt in American, you know, slang. British terms. Yeah. And then British slang for Fanny is vagina. They call a vagina Fanny. So I say this to my mom. She's we're sitting at the end of the table.

We're a furthest from the waiter who I already know recognizes me and is being a little bit fun you know like I know he knows who I am or he's just enchanted by me but I just think he knows who I am because he's giving me a little too much uh very nice guy here's we have a he's taking my sister's drink order at the other side of the table he hears me tell my mom I literally am having a private discussion with my mom while the waiter is finishing up taking orders and i go yeah and it's also uh british uh fanny means uh vagina in like british slang and he goes vulva and i look up and i'm like what he locks eyes he goes vulva and i go oh yeah no i know that uh i'm talking to my though, who doesn't understand that vagina doesn't. I'm not talking to a doctor. So I understand that the outside of a woman's.

You took that as like him being woke, though. I thought he was just just like I didn't think he was correcting you in a way of like you're wrong. It's actually a vulva. No, it was. It was woke. It was because men love. Well, it's also it's also him showing me knowledge of that he knows women because it is respectable when a guy says vulva

instead of vagina because for all of you who are listening uh when you say vagina and you're talking about the outside of a woman's vagina the lips the clit all that that's actually the vulva the inside canal is the vagina. So it's incorrect. But don't say vulva to me when you're taking my order and I'm about to eat at your restaurant and I didn't, I'm not talking to you. You have to mount it like sexual kind of a little bit.

It's a hard word not to say and be like vulva. First time I ignored him and then the second time he goes vulva and I go, you can take my, literally you were six feet away from me, sir. And you just screamed vulva across the table. I'm having a private talk with my mom.

My mom doesn't understand what vulva means. Maybe he was recommending a new car for me to get. Maybe that was it. Got good mileage, that vulva. Yeah, that vulva. That vulva 850. Let's get to why do I care? What's in celebrity news today?

Can I do the other story for why do I care? I think it'll be better. Okay. Why do I care? All right.'ll be better. Okay. Why do I care? All right. So Julianne Hough. Hough. Oh, can I finish this?

Yeah. Her niece went on TikTok to say that my aunt Julianne Hough said that she slept with Leonardo DiCaprio. They were pictured together in 2003 at an event. So this is. Yeah. 2013. 2013. I'm sorry.

Her and Leo. at an event so this is yeah 2013 2013 i'm sorry her and leo and uh she said that she said that leo was bad at sex not good in bed and her niece went on tiktok to get clout for that and revealed that you know it's true you know she probably dropped that at a thanksgiving the niece held on to it for years and years even though she was probably too young to understand it at the time it has been rumored that leonardo caprio wears headphones when he's having sex it is why dumois the the celeb gossip rag that on instagram that has all the blind items and all the latest celeb gossip uh calls him headphones or so they call him headphones or something wow i heard that story i've heard that yeah a lot of people have heard like he comes into

the hotel room and he won't even kiss the girl. He won't even look at her. He'll have headphones on. He'll have sex. He'll nut and then leave and make him sign an NDA. Yeah, and obviously they don't stick to that because they be telling people, man. Yeah, so Julianna Hough said he wasn't that great.

Isn't it so funny though to think about your own nephew and they know what celebrity you fuck and that they're bad? It's just so funny to think that my nephew one day, I'll be like, they know you're like, what celebrity you fuck and that they're bad. Like, it's just so funny to think that my nephew one day I'll be like, yeah, dude, I fucked this.

My, my uncle Andrew said, and then they'll sell you out. I mean, I know for a fact I've said things to people that could be get back to, you know, family has told family has told friends. I mean,

I told something last night that was, I didn't even mean to tell. And I go, please do not let it leave this table because this is actually sensitive and i felt really bad but yeah can i do a quick why do i care that stars i was on the subreddit demois d-e-u-x m-o-i which is the subreddit of the instagram account that's the celebrity gossip where all they do is post someone, people write in, it's, I love it so much. Guess who shows up last night

on Deux Moi? Oh, wow. So, last night I'm on Instagram or on Reddit, Deux Moi subreddit and someone goes,

has anyone heard of this rumor? I would be very shocked if it's true. This is our friend Claire Parker, comedian Claire Parker who I love so much

who is a little gossipy lady. She has a lot of, like, she has a Britney Spears podcast. She is flirty, fun, gossipy, so smart, so funny. And people just are being so mean to her on this, but this is a piece of gossip that she has

that I found. I have potentially celebrity gossip. As you guys may or may not know, me and my co-host Ashley are comics in New York City, so we kind of are like in certain circles. You're laughing at me?

We're not in John Mulaney's circle. We're not in John Mulaney's circle, but somebody is, and somebody is who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows us,

and the word on the street is Olivia Munn is pregnant. Could be true, could be not true, but maybe it is true. Okay, what do we think? Well, first of all, all i think people are so mad at claire people are saying the second she said in certain circles i stopped listening it's like she wasn't being serious and also she is in certain circles she's very she is a couple degrees away from john mulaney i think where she went wrong where why

people will get upset is because she said like 19 somebody. So it makes it feel like, oh, you don't even really know the answer. So why are you spreading this lie? Here's the thing is when because that's what every lie is. That's what every rumor is. Yeah. Yeah. And she's just being honest.

And you're right. I know you're playing devil's advocate. I do want to say, though, that I think she's going to be right. I have nothing. I know nothing to support that. But here's a thing that I thought was very going to be right. I have nothing, I know nothing to support that. But here's a thing that I thought was very interesting that someone commented. Well, if true, that could explain the quick PR rollout

regarding the divorce from his wife and dating Olivia Munn news in terms of they came right on top of each other. No judgment, but I can't imagine having, oh, wait, someone said, the thing is someone said that maybe it's true because of how quickly they came out about their relationship after the divorce which means she might be

already pregnant and they just don't want it to look as bad as it might when the baby is born in six months as opposed to you know like they can't be like it's premature and it comes out like 12 pounds you know what though this baby they're gonna it's gonna help the prs like the fact that like oh but i know i left my wife but now we have this beautiful child together and everyone's gonna get behind the baby and be like okay we understand it's real i know and it's gonna make my quote from las culturistas where i said they're not someone wrote i literally am reading this thread and all of a sudden my name pops up it says

also Nikki Glaser who is a lot more connected to John than this chick not true said that she didn't see it lasting long and people need to leave them alone so it will end quickly all I said on Les Culturistas is like I'm so jealous of this new love that I just let's leave them

alone so it can go away because I because I'm jealous of the PR honestly I'm jealous I want this new love that I just, let's leave them alone so it can go away because I'm jealous of the PR. Honestly, I'm jealous. I want to be in a celebrity couple so people will talk about my relationship, speculate, and talk about me. It's so stupid. So date John Mulaney's ex-wife.

I would. Ann Marie Tendler is very hot. Gorgeous girl. I would be open to it. However, I hope, whatever, I would be open to it. However, I, I hope I, whatever.

I do probably think this is true, even though I have no reason to believe it is other than that thing that you just heard. I bet you it's true because it all makes sense. I always wondered why the divorce was announced. And then right on top of that, it's like, I don't know if they announced they were dating. So that actually makes it a little bit less.

Maybe they're pregnant. But it is interesting that both Olivia Munn and John Mulaney have been pretty vehement about not wanting children. And all of a sudden they're going to have children and or a child. And let me just say, John is a friend of mine. Olivia is friends with friends of mine. Still don't think it's going to last. But that is not because I don't believe in their love. I don't believe in any love and i don't believe literally anything lasts so it is when i say that things are gonna

last it's not any judgment on them i don't think anything lasts noah i believe you and avi they're gonna last they will last because they are not in hollywood and they uh had a courtship that lasted over, you know, two weeks before they decided to conceive. They, you know what I mean? Oh, I thought no one.

No, no, no, no, it's not pregnant. But I mean, what I'm just saying is like, and I'm not,

again, I'm not passing judgment on Olivia and John. I'm just saying when I say things don't last, it is not a bad, it's not a bad thing i said this yesterday in the podcast a relationship is not a failure if it ends it is not it is not is not in in many cases if it doesn't end it's only how you deal with the ending no it literally isn't no but you know what i mean it could be a successful relationship can be you can get out and say

fuck you and everyone talk to you again right when it starts to sour. And that's a success. But if you have kids, it gets, it becomes. Yeah, handle it well with the kids and don't talk shit about each other. No, but that's a big thing. A lot of parents don't do that because they see it as a failure. And then they're so wrapped up in their own ego shit. I know, but even staying together and fighting for the rest of the child's life is also the worst. I'd say that's worse than just being.

Tomato, tomatoes. Let's get on to finish my sentence. Speaking of relationships, this week, it's Wacky Wild Wednesday, which means we'll do any segment we goddamn want to. And today,

it's going to be finish my sentence. I love that, like, on other days, we don't have a choice. Like, who's it up to on the other day? I mean, it's up to us,

but it's a stagnant thing. And on Wednesdays it could be well it's god um thank you so much uh god by the way god really uh pick the good one no god has been really killing it for me recently interesting i want to just thank i don't even i'm not a religious person but there's some kind of there's some kind of energy out there that's been really looking out for old glaze dog. And, uh, I just want to shout out to that.

And I also want to shout out to the fact that things could go wrong anytime now in my life. And I would also be God looking out for me. And it's all meant to be my mom's canceled Greece trip, man. We had the best time last night. None of that would have happened if they went to Greece. I'm,

I mean it last night was fucking fun. I had a great time. It was a perfect birthday. Finish my sentence. Okay. Okay. Noah, what's the sentence that Andrew and I will be finishing for each other

and trying to get as close to as possible? And not hating each other for at least an hour and a half. If you get the vaccine. No, I'm just kidding. Wait, let me do Noah's voice. If you were to get the vaccine. Wait, I'm just kidding. Wait, let me do Noah's voice. If you were to get the vaccine. Wait, no, never mind. Okay, go on now.

If I have to spend the rest of my life with someone. People love Noah's voice because I have a lisp. You're like real like, yeah. And then Noah's voice comes in like, hey. It's so gentle. Everyone writes, we love Noah's voice. It's like how bad Do you hate our voices

I mean I get it folks She sounds like The beekeeper And you take the bees From this habitat Someone said She sounds like

Siri Or not Siri Like the GPS woman Oh Okay Noah Tell us more Sorry Go ahead

We'll stop talking So we can hear Your perfect voice I know The irony. We're like, her voice is so great. Isn't her voice awesome? Sorry, besties.

I'm so sorry. God, I'm annoying myself today. I know I'm a lot this week. No, you're great. Okay. If I have to spend the rest of my life with someone, my ideal partner will absolutely have the characteristic of, okay, so this is a successful relationship My ideal partner will absolutely have the characteristic of... Okay.

So this is a successful relationship that you're, you know, forever, even though I don't think that means successful necessarily. But let's say we find the love of our life. This person ideally would have the characteristic of... Can I go first for you? Yeah, go ahead. Easy. Yeah. Yeah, not ahead. Easy. Yeah.

Not sexual. Not sexually easy. So this is Nikki answering as Andrew. Yes, I'm Andrew Collin, and the characteristic I want in a girl that I might spend the rest of my life with would be easygoing. Yes.

And that means, for me, Andrew Collin, it means she doesn't get mad at me about anything ever and doesn't take offense to anything or doesn't take anything personally and never gets um her feelings hurt and maybe gets a little like like i'm mad like just always is in a good mood and just goes with the flow no matter what so um you know uh a man you your ideal characteristic is a man he said this another day to me by the way because we were talking about relationships which is a fair point i go babe um i really i was talking to you at lunch yesterday and i go andrew i honestly think that it's everyone he goes i i can't stand emotional changes in women that are like so drastic and i said that's hormones and

that's every woman and you have to understand that there's no woman there's women that know how to cope with their emotional changes due to hormones and men have this too by the way but it's so it's so unpredictable for us and we're so out of unless you're really in tune with your emotions and do a lot of work on yourself and are able to communicate and know your feelings and know your subconscious feelings you get swept away by them and it's like a riptide that just pulls you out. And I just don't think there's any woman that won't change her emotions on a dime and kind of scare you sometimes. And maybe I'm wrong. Noah?

I agree. I mean, it's definitely taken a lot of work. And I've been kind of keeping a tally of how many days I've been easygoing because that's kind of a complaint. But that's not easygoing to even keep. Like, that's what of a complaint. But that's not easy going to even keep, like, that's what I'm saying. Well, we have to stay conscious of it. It's not like... Yeah, I know.

We have to train ourselves, I guess. I'm not making fun. I'm just saying that's wild. It's so much easier for guys. It really is. I truly believe that. And men who want that in a woman, it's just, it's not realistic.

But that doesn't mean that it can't happen. that doesn't mean that it it can't happen it doesn't mean that you just have to be you just have to put up with it it means that you need to have a toolbox and the woman has to acknowledge that she needs a toolbox and that it's not okay just to be like it's just the way i am it is the way you are but you need to figure out how to handle it. Yeah. And I mean, I think there's certain things that you can do where your emotions can be more like, you know, how you take care of yourself, how you like the choices you make can then keep those like, you know, emotions in check well if my room is messy and you do something that annoys me that has to do with mess in the living room i'm gonna be more mad about that than if my room were clean and that only has everything to do with me and i acknowledge that right now but in the moment that's a hard rooster to call you know i recommend a book that you also read nikki yeah a third of

the bible feeling good by david Oh, we started reading that. Yeah, I didn't actually finish it. Me neither. But it's a great book about cognitive behavioral therapy. And there's a new, yeah, he wrote Feeling Good and he wrote the newest edition that is updated for modern life called Feeling Great. And I really recommend to anyone

struggling with depression and stress. It's like literally a workbook that treats your brain like a math problem, kind of, and you can trick, not even trick yourself, you can really decode your thoughts and not give that, like you can treat your own depression with a book.

If you can't afford therapy, which sucks for so many people, there are things that you can do, and yeah, look into the book feeling good you can get it from your library i wonder if like the feeling good people are like upset about the new title like they're like god i just got the good and i i did i got feeling good and then feeling great came out literally the next week so i bought them both and then i sent one to a listener actually because she wrote in was like i can't afford the book but i would really

like to know about it like and i go i'll just send you mine and i sent her a copy and uh i can't do that for everyone but if i do have extra books around and you write to me and say you can't afford it i'll probably figure out a way to get it to you i send the back book to people all the time i if you are someone literally who can't afford the healing back pain by dr john sarno a book that has cured so many people in my life's back pain or the easy way to stop drinking or smoking and you yourself are ready to actually stop having back pain and accept these books in your life and really work them and you can't afford them i will i will buy them for you if you dm me i'm serious and this isn't

you be giving you a handout for something you're not going to read just because you want to give from me if you don't read it i will ask for my money back honestly you're not going to read just because you want a gift from me. If you don't read it, I will ask for my money back, honestly. But if you want to read it, I will do that for you. I'll give me your address and I'll Amazon you one. And I will do this for up to 10 people a month until I decide I don't want to do it anymore. I love that.

But I really will if you DM me. And you really will read it and get back to us. If you don't, I probably won't remember to ask for my money back, but you will have to live with the thought that you tricked me. Okay, finish my sentence. Finish my sentence.

Okay, what was it? How did it go? Do you remember it? Yeah. Just try it. Wait, wait, just paraphrase. I want him to paraphrase it. If you're in a good relationship,

this person has the characteristic of... Sure, yeah. For you, i think of someone that uh is of service to you like thinks about uh god how do i put this um good at doing acts of service yeah acts of service they they they uh they understand god i want to finish your sentence but it's a i can't i know i know i'm having trouble like putting into words because can you give me an example of something yeah that's what i'm thinking to do so like you know you always say you want them to take care of the house and like take care of those needs those little things that you don't want to have to think about

because you work so hard and all you want is someone that can focus on the things that you either a don't want to focus on or b don't have time to focus on i almost cried at lunch the other you're nailing it by the way i almost cried at lunch the other day two days ago we went to lunch with my parents and ari and me and you and went to that sushi restaurant and there was some bill mix up and um we had to like tell the waiter something and i was just sitting there knowing we all just established like it needs to be communicated to the waiter the next time they come and it probably sooner because they probably won't be out here for a while and i just didn't feel like being the one to do it i'm like

i've already i'm paying for this lunch i i know but i don't want the thing you take control and then get upset about taking control so the so as your friend if i'm like you know we were all struggling with it right and you're very good at at these things unfortunately like you're very good at consolidating things that need to be consolidated but you also seem to be the one to be like i got this right so then if i go no i got this and then you go no that's not why i almost cried oh i i liked taking care of that there was a menu issue where you had to order on your phone instead of with which was so annoying so but there was some issue that needed to be resolved that we all established at the table i think you were like not paying attention because you were at the other end but it was established

like this needs to be taken care of with the waiter and i just sat with it and i was like if i get up and go inside to get the waiter i'm going to be so annoyed and my dad goes nick do you want me to go inside and tell the waiter and i was was like, yes, dad, thank you. And last night we were also at the jazz house and I just go, I did. My drink was like not full and, uh, it hadn't been for a while. And I was just like, Hey dad, can you give me a club soda? And he was like, of course. And he got it. And I was like, I almost cried again. Cause I was like, my dad is my husband. Like, those are the things I want. Like he didn't it and i was like i almost cried again because i was like my dad is my husband like those are the things i want like he didn't even he was like excited to do it he he always it made me cry when he offered to go in the other day and tell the waiter almost i didn't let it happen because i was just like it just confirmed to me that i am like looking for my dad

like it's like it's so like weird that I'm like the things that I'm attracted to in a partner that I want to be taken care of are like these things of like, I really resent having to do extra things and like get up and do things

when I'm already, I love paying for things. I truly love it. I had to have a talk with my sister, my family two days ago that said, you can't fight with night with the bill.

Yeah. And I appreciate that birthday. And we really wanted to pay for it because, you know, whatever, like treat her. It's your birthday. And,

uh, she, you were adamant about pain to the point where it almost kept pushing. You were smart. I know when you just handed me the bill because it wasn't gonna it wasn't gonna work for them and it wasn't reverse psychology for you to pay by any means but it was just like but let someone take you want to be taken care of i not not that way i know because for me getting up and going in and talking to the waiter is something that everyone can do and

everyone can feel the same after that my sister and brother-in-law spending 35 dollars on a meal is more of a hit to them than it would ever be to me I know but that's why it makes them feel good to pay for it I'm just saying that you got to think about the other but I need to let them know that it honestly doesn't make me feel good yes and that it's my birthday and i to feel good i like to buy things for people especially now that i'm someone who has achieved a level of financial stability that is all i've ever wanted is for my family to not have to share food and to i'm gonna get this side salad instead of the big salad oh i would like to try this appetizer but i don't know if i'm gonna like it let's get it i am finally in a position where we can have everything we want and i want i don't know how much longer we have on this earth and i want to spend all of my money on my people who i love and all my listeners who i want to have no back pain i want to give my wealth away but here's the thing and i'm and i don't i'm not just trying to play devil's advocate

if yes um why should her millionaire sister and i don't mean to say that but this is the thing this is the thing then and i think if you're gonna pay right and then your dad doesn't go and talk to that waiter you can't think hey i'm paying for this meal. You should have to do this. Right. I believe that. I get that. I see that's why that's triggered. That's a negative thought that could be. I get it.

For you, I'm saying. However, I would like to make it known that because I do like to treat my family to experiences that we would have gone to a cheaper place if it was up to my family if they were paying. Okay? I chose a place that we could like i didn't money was not an issue and it wasn't because i wanted to just eat i wanted to eat good food yeah and eat with abandon and have my family eat with abandon and i always say what i'm going to pay for the meal before a meal because i want people to every i want everyone to order as much as they

want and not think twice about it and i always say that right i always go get whatever you want take some stuff home if you don't like it i don't care over order because this is the life i finally achieved what i've always wanted and that is to have treat everyone in my life who has been cheap to themselves and not giving themselves what they want to get what they want and you're right i would just like my loved ones to know i should say it with a, because I'm paying for things and I love paying for things and you let me pay for things, when there's a little bit of a task that needs to be done,

I would like someone else to pick that up. And I won't have resentment to you, but I might cry when my dad offers to do it because I want so badly for a husband to fill that role. Now, what if the person said, but this is the thing, this goes back to your husband. My husband will do that.

Final thought. This goes back to your husband. My husband will do that. Final thought. This goes back to your husband. If he has money and he goes, look, I understand that's what you want. But what I want is to, because I'm also, because I'm willing to pay for dinner as well. I don't want to do these tasks. I won't be with you. Yeah. But do you see my point though?

Yeah. Like I might marry a guy with a lot of money that my money is nothing compared to his my money isn't really in the scheme of things it's not that big of a deal and i don't i'm not i know it's not coming across no it's not coming across like that i don't think it is people could construe it as that and it might be but what i'm saying is is that the man of my dreams will be someone who wants to fetch me a club soda when he sees mine's empty. Wants to be the man to get up

and take care of the dealing with the bills situation. And I will gladly pay for everything. And that's why when you say, do you think maybe if you end up paying for a man and they don't work, how you might not respect him? The thing is, I will respect him because he's going to be

pulling my chair out for me, getting us a better table because I'm being like, it's cold. That's what I'm saying. Well, if he doesn't, then we're not meant to be because I will show him.

I know you're shaking your head, but I honestly think like- Noah, why are you shaking your head? Because I'm saying a man will feel so respected by me because I'm so turned on by those acts. I think it's important for

everyone to have like their own thing that they do but I don't think if a man does acts of service and you know like what Nikki's looking for it doesn't mean that he doesn't respect like it won't mean that it doesn't that he doesn't at all. I love paying for things and it doesn't make me

disrespect the people I'm with at all. It's because I want to show my love. Sure. sure sure i just think the word fetch i think if a man hears the word fetch it's gonna get yeah honestly i'm not i'm just saying like i'm not saying for me i'm saying no well i only use the word fetch like mean girls where fetch is not a word gretchen stop trying to make it a word that's so fetch i get that. But maybe I need to change the way I talk. But also, the men that I've really, when I felt the most like dainty and feminine

and in my feminine energy and like sexually like taken care of, it's when a man gets me a blanket. When a man like, yesterday Bonnie said that, got the coffee coffee that rich got her coffee in bed and was like my husband sucks like all it's like my husband sucks but most mornings he brings me coffee in bed and it makes it all worth it and there's something about being i don't even want coffee in bed i even complained yesterday when andrew like placed my coffee in my bedroom because i was like but i'm not your husband yeah but i'm just saying like that's you know like even a friend can show

love that way to me of like oh like like you know it's just someone massages me when they know that my arm my shoulder hurts when i didn't ask for it it doesn't have to be sexual like kirsten always massages me when i'm feeling like sore and i know she's doing it because she loves me she's not doing it because i want it necessarily she you know yes there's a different said it your love language is acts of service and touch but but i get what you're saying there because i put the coffee there it was i don't know what the percent i love that we always do percentages on this show but like part of it wanted to be like, I got you the coffee.

90% of that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it wasn't nowhere near. You're a little boy on Mother's Day. Like, look at the macaroni necklace I made. Mom, do you like it? Do you like it, Mom? Do you like it?

Look at the necklace, Mom. I like it. Open your fanny pack. It's cute, Andrew. It wasn't 90, though. 90 is rude. 90 is rude. Maybe 88.

No, no, no, no, no. We love that score. It's a P+. 88's the best you can get. Ah, 88's a good score. We love 88. 90s rude. Maybe 88. No, no, no. We love that score. It's a B+. 88's the best you can get. 88's a good score. We love 88. Not 889. That's too high of a B.

87's too low. 88 is a perfect score. Michael Irvin. Yeah. That's for one guy out there listening. All right. We got it. It's the end of the show.

I'm so sad. I have so much to do today. I feel like we're really talking like a nice, smooth conversation. I know. We really find our gear. I just want to acknowledge to the besties, and I know this gets annoying, it's almost Bo Burnham energy of apologizing on apology.

If you haven't watched the new Bo Burnham special, so there's this great scene where he's doing a reaction video to something he just shot, and then he does a reaction video to that reaction video, and then a reaction video to that reaction. It's so funny because Bo Burnham, I even said to Andrew right before this happened, I go, Bo Burnham's incapable of not calling out.

He's like me. He's so self-aware that it's like- He's too self-aware. But it's almost good at how self-aware he is. So I try to be as self-aware as possible because the last thing I want is people being like, Nikki does this thing all the time and it's so annoying and I want to be like I know I do that and I know it's annoying so I just want to say

the besties. Couldn't that be worse though? That's what I'm saying it is worse sometimes. But I just want to get ahead of anything that anyone might think. I know I am annoying. I know that I like with the vaccine talk I'm sure a lot of you were like shut the fuck up

and we get your point nikki but i wasn't feeling understood and it's a real problem for me that i need to feel understood and sometimes i go too far and i'm learning and i'm becoming a better broadcaster because of it and so just i'm already pretty damn good being understood versus being right i don't yeah see the difference though right like the difference is the person understanding your message understood by you because you will not address the thing that i'm asking like I don't yeah see the difference though right like the difference is is but I oftentimes don't feel understood by you because you will not address the thing that I'm asking like then why do we care about people that aren't vaccine like that doesn't address it I see that you see it but I

want to know why but I feel like with the understanding that you want me to understand so that I understand that your point is better than my point. That's how I think. Not better. I just want to understand why my point isn't right. But I think if you listen back to when we talked, I think multiple times I said, I agree with you. But you just kept saying, but. Yeah, because there's other factors. But I proved each of those wrong.

I don't think so. Let the listeners chime in too. And they could be to those wrong. I don't think so. Well, well, let the listeners chime in too. And they'll, they could be the, they could be the deciding factor. I honestly don't. There's no way you can convince me. I'm,

I'm not right, but I don't think it was a right or wrong situation. That was the thing. I think it was a conversation. I don't think we were, I don't, not once did I say you were wrong about the, if anything,

I said you were right. I still don't understand your, your annoyance with people who aren't taking it. I'm more annoyed with the person that is annoyed with me, not... Well, I apologize for being the person that's annoyed with you for not annoying me with the...

We gotta go. It's getting too good. See you tomorrow, guys, for the last show of the week. Bye! Yuck. Bye. Yuck. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress

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You don't need another podcast. You've got too many already. But if you're looking for one that actually changes something, a way to take control of the chaos and find meaning, well, then maybe the one you feed is for you. I'm Eric Zimmer, and I bring real conversations with real people to help you feed the best part of yourself. No hype, no fluff, just wisdom that works. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay,

you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.