The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #430 Regretting Wishing For A Plane Crash, Toddler Who Sees Ghosts & No More Tanning?

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Are only children messed up, or do they have an advantage? After spending time with family, Nikki plays house only if Taylor Swift is involved. After wishing for a plane crash, Nikki got a good scare from her 2-year-old nephew, who sees ghosts. Before a crazy week of TV taping, Nikki is about to leave the Pechanga Hotel and Casino. She recalls an earlier time in her career when she got to drive there with her comedy hero. In the Final Thought, Nikki makes a pledge to stop tanning, though it might not last. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. here's nikki hello here i am welcome to the show it's the nikki glazer podcast i'm coming at you from pachanga casino live in the inland empire temecula california sunday is it sunday yes sunday morning um had a show here last night And I've got a big week ahead of me So we're doing a couple episodes Ahead of time

Yeah I'm like an hour To the side of San Diego I don't know what side I guess it would be the east Because San Diego's on the coast But Yeah you'd be in the water You're on an oil rig in the Pacific

Doing comedy for the workers I mean I could be Casinos are just all the same Thank you Sunoco Oh my god I would just have to do that gig And then no other gigs comedy for the workers. I mean, I could be. Casinos are just all the same. Thank you, Sunoco. Oh my God. I would just have to do that gig and then no other gigs because I would pay so much. They would pay you $40 million.

Yeah. Like what Chappelle gets for one Netflix special. How are you guys? Noah's in Arizona, pregnant as hell. Yeah. Yeah, I had a baby shower yesterday. Oh my God. I thought you were going to say I had a baby yesterday. You had a baby shower yesterday oh my god i thought you were gonna say i had a baby yesterday you had a baby shower yesterday yeah oh my god how was it like who came like do you have friends in arizona yeah you do actually yeah i have friends when you met in

that parking lot the first day you moved there the parking lot friends so um they uh held the party for me which was great because my friend gail she was like you don't have to think of anything don't worry about it you don't have to get anything we plan this for you so i just got to show up which was nice that's so nice yeah and then i had a couple of friends from jujitsu come that's so freaking nice that you didn't have to do anything so you just showed up was it did they like have penis cupcakes or i guess that's not for that's for weddings that's for what they have what is it what were the games so we um we did play some games uh the first one was you have to create a bait like as many um girl baby names because we're having a girl um out of the phrase noah and avi are having a baby and then whoever makes the most wins and

then the next game was um with the yarn like whoever can get the yarn as close like um around my stomach the length of it by guessing wins so just to make you feel real fat oh my god yes was there a weight guessing game or no no no weight guessing but you guys can guess how much weight i've no i'm just kidding no i mean it's it's okay that's the only time where it's okay to be like talk about your friends gaining weight is when they're pregnant you can like acknowledge it because it's just it is the truth and they're carrying a baby so they should be gaining weight it'd be weird if they didn't i know but everyone has their own special way of letting me know that i've gained weight it's a little bit annoying like what do we let's talk about the different ways

okay well you know one of them is just like glaring at my stomach and like saying how much i've changed and grown and um oh you're like not emotionally because you're just that's not what they're talking about yeah you're just so ready to be a mom you're just so emotionally present and you're like sobbing because you're fat um no yeah so they're just oh you've grown so much that's such bullshit no woman wants to hear she's grown at all. No. Ever. The other one is talking about the height of my stomach. The height? Like if you lay on the ground flat? Like you're as tall as a basketball.

Just while I'm standing looking at the shelves at CVS. Wow. Someone said the height of your stomach. You mean like the width? No. So it's like how high my big stomach is because like according to the week that i am so everyone has their opinion of where my stomach should be is it annoying to go out very pregnant because everyone has to comment on it it's like whenever i walk i don't mean to compare it to this but it's

truly whenever you carry an instrument onto a plane and it's obviously an instrument i would say eight out of ten times someone either in the front seat a passenger or the flight attendant will say are you going to entertain us and it is without question eight out of ten times that will happen oh my gosh it's yeah do the people ask you to entertain them when it's like yeah because that's essentially what they're doing will you entertain me for a second so i can talk to you about what my experience was with pregnancy or yeah just project all the shit that i am felt about it onto you and usually they're like in the depths of raising a teenager so they resent their child so much so they're just like they're only gonna have a negative perspective right do a lot of people give you positive ones like oh i

remember it was so fun i have to just remember that whoever makes a comment is usually you know like they're they're smiling and stuff it's not it's not like anything negative i have to just remember they're coming from a good place they're trying to relate to me through their experience like you said and i just have to just kind of like you don't know that maybe they're not you have a baby in there well i i haven't i haven't gotten that but it is interesting because i do have one person in my life who um doesn't have a close relationship with her kids so her um expressions to me are a little bit kind of like negative so I have to try to figure out how to cut the conversation off before it gets okay

the last thing was just talking about you know we're probably just going to have one kid but she was saying how her oh god I hope she never hears this but I hope she so she was saying how her daughter was telling her how like you know she regrets being an only child and this and that.

And I'm just like, okay, she was a kid. She didn't know this. So just kind of going off about that and then just how her... What a dumbass. My mom was a principal for 35 years. And I asked her this, I asked her, did you notice if there was a difference between kids who were only children and kids who were siblings in terms of how they were raised and what students they were? And she said, over my 30 years of teaching, I can honestly

say that without a doubt, the only children were superior to the ones that had siblings. They were always better well-behaved they always got better grades they were better students they were kinder they were more attentive and that's what you get when you have two parents who are able to give full attention to one child as opposed to you know letting them beat the shit out of each other on the bus like me and my brother did the one thing i hear about only kids is that they wish they had someone to talk about how crazy their parents were with like to right to talk about their experience but if you just if i had a an only kid i would just make sure that they had a

place to bitch about me you know like i want people to process how annoying i am that either have to work with me or have to be friends with me or have to date me or have to be my mom or dad. Like, I don't want anyone to just struggle with that alone. Like that's why when Chris, like Chris doesn't have anyone that he like that I know of that he really talks to about how like tough it can be dating me. Like he doesn't vent that to anyone or at least he used to not. And then I was like, you need that. You need to call me a bitch to someone on a golf course. I want that for you because I am a bitch sometimes.

And I want you to be able to say it to someone. And even if that person then has a negative view of me that is so just charged from just all of this information that is only coming from a spiteful place and they're not hearing the my side of things i don't really give a fuck what that guy thinks like i don't you should have an outlet for these for me to be just villainized to someone he has that um that empty coffee can that he screams into yeah he screams into closes the lid he would never do that he hates coffee he hates the smell of, he screams into it. Closes the lid real fast. He would never do that. He hates coffee. He hates the smell of it. He needs a... Yeah, you need to complain about me.

You need to tell... Even when I would catch my sister and my mom complaining about me and I would hear it in the laundry room and I would be behind a wall, it didn't bother me because I just... I want someone to be able to...

Because I know what it means to get it off my chest when I complain about someone really viciously without any empathy or care. Feels good. Feels good for a minute. Yeah, you just need to get it out. I want people to be able to call me, to vent about me behind my back. Maybe it's because I have the old thing of if I'm allowed to do it, they should be able to do it about me.

That's kind of what I realized when I was like, people might not like me. I'm like, well, if I don't get to like, if I get to not like people, I need to be able to be someone that's not like to, and I enjoy not liking people so much. See,

I'm wondering how that plays into your insecurity about people judging you, like with your Instagram posts and all that stuff. Yeah. I just assume it's happening all the time. Maybe that's why I struggle with it. Because I know it's happening. Because I expect it to. And I want it to.

So I think that already. I don't know. But I don't really care what people think on Instagram though. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm not. I kind of let that one go. Because I don't check likes and stuff like that. I don't want to and stuff like that i just i

don't want to look ugly on instagram um and that's maybe for like one or two people you know what i'm saying like or it's it's usually not for like everyone um but and then i yeah i don't but i think that yeah that's important no you'll be good. If you have an only child, you'll make sure that they have space to complain about you to someone. I know you will. Yeah, she and Avi will just be bitching about me all the time. No, it can't be that. You have to find a cousin

or just get them friends. And the friend needs to witness you being a bitch. There needs to be someone else that experiences the annoying parts of you as a mom so that that person can have a bitch. There needs to be someone else that experiences the annoying parts of you as a mom so that that person can have a witness. Because that's oftentimes... Yeah, I want Chris to have footage of me to play for someone

so that they can see it and know that it's not just him making this up. At least get a cat or a hamster or something. Yeah, like a dog. A kid can look at it and be like, can you believe this bitch? Yeah, but I do think that only kids are more well-behaved and just like- They're better. They're more mature.

Oh, my God, absolutely. Because their company is adults. My mom's husband, Dominic, has a family member who is from, I don't know, Sweden or something or Italy. And they have an only child. And every time I see this child, I cannot believe how smart she is and how kind she is. And she's like eight, and she talks to you like she's in college, basically. She's like, oh, Brian, good to see you again. Oh, how are your teeth doing? You know, like shit like that.

And she's eight. And she's like, I'm going to go sit. I'm going to go in the other room and read my books it's like what the fuck is going on here that's having a little girl too yeah she's a little girl also if it was a little boy he'd probably be hitting me with a bow staff or something i mean yeah that's what boys do i thought it was just you know specific boys but i'm learning pretty quickly that almost all boys are little monsters they really are um different than girls i mean no uh um no i'm sorry uh poppy just like wants to watch

taylor swift and sometimes she wants to play house which is exhausting i just know i could never be a mom because i can't play i just don't have the imagination for it or something but she's like i remember playing house as a kid and being very good at it, but now you just lose that along the way. What is playing house? She explained it to me. She was like, Nikki, will you play house?

It's so sad when they ask you and then you say no, which I've started doing. I see them once every three weeks and I still am like, no. Will you push me on the swing? I literally said no the other day because I was just really comfortable sitting. I just don't want to have to do everything they want. Go make your own fun.

That's why you have brothers and sisters. Why do adults have to provide everything for you? My sister has never once said no to anything that they want to do. You feel that pressure. Yeah. I mean, it's really important to have kids have their autonomy from a very young age and just learn how to entertain themselves. And no is like a very important word to teach kids.

She just went on to my mom and goes, will you push me on this wing? And I just felt so sad that she just like gave up on me. She just took my no as a no. You know, like it wasn't like, please, you know, like I love you. And I went, she was just like, no, Nikki's no fun. And it wasn't like please you know like i love you and i want she was just like no nikki's no fun and was just like oh wow i'm like i can't believe i just said no to pushing on our swing which is like five feet away and i just don't want to go do it i could continue having the conversation that i am not even having i was just sitting there listening to people's

conversations but i was so tired and i hadn't been with them for i'd been with them for like 30 minutes it wasn't like it was like I'm just worn out from these kids. Yeah. But I just don't have, so anyway, she asked me to play house. This is days before. And I wasn't, I hadn't said no yet to her. So I hadn't learned the power of that, but I was like, okay, what's, what is that? What are we going to, how do we do that?

And she was like, well, you be, um, one of us is the baby. One of us is the mommy. And one of us is the Taylor Swift. Like she the mommy and one of us is the taylor swift like she knows how to get me and i go okay oh i'm listening and i was like she was like you can be the taylor swift and i was like i can't wait to play house this is awesome that's all i've ever wanted did i tell this already no so um so what's the taylor swift of the house do so she hands me a microphone oh i thought I thought they had like an affair. We have like a karaoke mic.

What did you say, Noah? I thought mom and Taylor Swift have an affair. Oh my God, that would be. That's what my version of Playhouse is. Yeah, I don't even know what. I think she just saw the deadness in my eyes as she said, one of us is the mommy, one of us is the baby. And then she added one of us is the Taylor Swift.

Like she's trying, she's manipulating me. And she got it because my eyes lit up. And I said, okay. But I didn't want to ask for the role the Taylor Swift. She's manipulating me. She got it because my eyes lit up and I said, okay. I didn't want to ask for the role of Taylor Swift. She was like, you'll be Taylor Swift. I was like, yes. Then she handed me a microphone. Poppy, by the way, is four.

She hands me this microphone, this karaoke mic my parents have. She goes, no, actually, I want that one. I'm like, okay, why do you need it? You're the mommy or the baby. We haven't determined yet, but I wasn't really listening when you gave yourself a role. Do you have any Grammys?

Because I think I need the better microphone. No, like, why do you need to be amplified? You're just a struggling mother or a baby that can't really talk or, you know, already has good acoustics because you don't have tension in your body. That's why babies are... Did you know that's why babies are so loud? God, really? It's because they carry...

They don't have any stress of the world yet. And stress of the world yet and stress of the world tightens your whole body and then your muscles and your body don't reverberate as loudly but when babies are relaxed like that's why when you're singing you need to be relaxed because if your body's relaxed your whole body just like vibrates with the sound wave but when you're tense and you're singing your body is just like screaming into a rock and so it doesn't reverberate and you sound like shit damn and that's the difference between good singers and bad singers and that's why babies are so fucking loud because they're just relaxed wailing they're not like i'm embarrassed

to be crying they're just like and it's their their bodies are like one of those little bows speakers you buy for your shower they're they're so little but they can really make a lot of noise so anyway poppy is, you have the microphone. And then she goes, no, I want the microphone. I go, okay, that's fine. I'll just use this pen or whatever as my microphone. And then she was like, actually, I want to, I think I should be the Taylor Swift. And I was like, actually, I'm not with any game where Taylor Swift is involved.

I can still do this if I get to watch Taylor Swift. She stole it from you, though? Yeah, immediately. That's what Poppy does. Like, she will, she'll want you to play with her you'll do something that looks a little fun and then she'll steal that role from you or that baby doll or whatever you're playing with and then you end up just having to watch her play and then and be quiet so i then she was like let's just you watch me be taylor and i was like that's fine. That's almost as good.

I watched her and then I was singing along and she said, no, you just listen. Then she was singing. Is this good for a kid to learn that she gets to control every single thing that happens? I'm not her parent though. This is how she is. I just go with the flow.

Her being bossy. If you say, say no i want to sing tears crying like no hitting like it's just not like you know she's four i get it they don't understand empathy they don't understand other people have needs i think they're supposed to around this age and i did just say supposed so I think they're supposed to, around this age, have that kind of stuff coming on, but hers isn't developing quite yet. This is why I cannot be a parent. Other people have needs and wants.

I know. I would just let the kid, I would say, fine, you can't get whatever you want all the time, and I would just let them cry. Oh, I would do the same thing, but until you have kids 24-7, and you finally give up

because you can't listen to screaming anymore. So we think we would know what we do, but speaking to to all the parents that are listening i know why you give in and give them the candy that they're crying about and don't put your foot down because you will end up like hitting them or something because of how loud and annoying they are so it's just easier to give them the candy than to like there needs to be i know that we can't hit kids okay of course not we can't but there needs to be something else that can be done to make a kid stop crying that's like that they don't like that's not traumatizing to them and because the other the other way you can do it is you can be like evilly manipulative also and tell them a fucked up thing that will make them upset well

that's what my mom used to do. To be quiet. Anytime I would, because she was worried that I would run off and do things that would end up getting me hit by a car or drowning or wandering off on my own. So she would tell me everything would kill me and that you'll never see mommy and daddy again

if you go outside the driveway or if you go down the street by yourself. You'll never see them again. It's not even like an issue of like you might be kidnapped you will be so i don't recommend that because you'll become a stand-up comedian because you'll be scared your entire life until someone hands you a microphone and then you'll let all your anger out about your repressed rage at being told lies when you were a kid into a microphone um exactly wouldn't it have been better if they just hit you i remember one time they used to like spank us gently and i just remember being like not good you're a pussy like this isn't like i remember thinking like you could go harder and you're not

and this is just embarrassing and kind of like sexual like there's something about it like on your butt too that is like it's not good to spank kids on their butt especially little girls like you're bent over there's something i couldn't place it in my head when i was little but like that's my no-no area and you're like hitting me in it your butt is your bathing suit area it's like where people aren't supposed to touch you you're told that and then your dad's spanking you on it while you're bent over his knee like i didn't i haven't seen porn at that point in my life but i would in the future and that is a hundred percent a porny thing to do and it's not like i'm calling my dad like most parents that's how they spank their kids is on the butt um i think

it's gross to do i don't like it and um and one time my dad almost hit me as a teenager and um and i was old enough to know that like i think i probably told this on the podcast before but i was just like do it i go if you do it dad everything will change and i could tell he wanted to so bad just slap me in the face because i fucking deserved it too i was being you know the most petulant i i already i knew what i was doing i deserved to be hit if i had been hit we'd be fine but i said dad everything will change after this i'll never ever respect you again like i went even harder and i could see him just damn and he didn't do it and thank god he didn't because i really think it would have changed everything your parent hitting oh yeah no it's not good i don't advocate it at all no but i do have a solution i think okay

you should have wait we have to go to break come back with your solution after the break hold on to it okay we'll be back right after solution after the break. Hold on to it. Okay. We'll be back right after this with Brian's solution to not hitting your kids. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money.

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gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i started to live a double life when i was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened,

and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network,

available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Brian, what do you do instead of hit your kids? In the house, in maybe every room of the house, there should be a life-size replica of the child. And when the child acts out, you should beat the shit out of that replica. Yeah, and then the child's like, no, my effigy.

And maybe that will send the message. Yeah, there was some, you know what? Okay, it's obviously a joke idea because that would be harming to the child because it would be representing them and you would see your parents rage coming out and it just wouldn't be good. But I will say that there was like some kind of TikTok video

where it was like the kids were supposed to clean their room and they didn't. So the dad was throwing their toys in the fireplace, but they were like, it wasn't real or whatever, but the kids thought it was real. And I remember reading the comments and hearing that that's very harmful, that that that person like your father doesn't respect your things or things that represent who you are and make you happy and like that's not a way to punish kids who the fuck knows

no i mean i have one more real not joke solution what if it's rewards based so you have a jar of money or candy or whatever and it's in, it's on display in the kitchen. And every time you, um, at the end of the week, you get whatever's in the jar. But every time you do something wrong, a little piece gets taken out and thrown in the garbage.

That's better. Okay. Well, let me just tell you what would happen with Arlo and Poppy with that happening. Yes. What would happen? If you took out something for 15 minutes taking out more wailing don't you think

they'd learn eventually so poppy is like give me that microphone here's yours you also when i would sing along stop singing and i go what songs do you know and she can't really come off at any off the top of her head but she literally knows every taylor swift song that i know and so i go do you want to put on eras and we can sing to it and then that's what we did and it was the best time i've ever had in my life i just sat there and watched poppy sing to eras into a fake microphone that's amplified but she's like hurting the mic like deep throating the microphone sorry to put that image into it with a four-year-old but she's literally has sucking on the microphone ruining it as it's on um singing taylor swift into the microphone and then she sounded like really good especially when she was like relaxed and wasn't focused on me

watching her which is what i've learned in singing lessons is when you're relaxed you sound better and so but she was really quiet you could tell she like didn't have a lot of confidence in her voice and i was like poppy like i go that sounds actually really good and then she would get like a little bit like louder and then i was i go yeah oh yeah like she would hit a note i go yeah and then she goes stop saying yeah so she's just like yelling at me to stop singing stop saying yeah you just watch easiest game of house i've ever played so i'm just sitting in this lazy boy chair lean back filming her watching her sing and then i was like sing louder and then i just started being dance mom i was like no i'm actually gonna like i don't care if you're telling me that i shouldn't coach you because you are really good and i believe

in you and i was doing exactly what i would have wanted someone to do when i sang when i was little because i also had a good voice when i was little but whenever my dad would be like that sounds great Nick I would get really nervous and then the pressure was suddenly on and I knew everyone was now listening and like making sure I was great because my dad just said I was great and if now if I'm not great I'm like there's nothing worse than someone being like oh my god that was a really good impression you just did do it again and then I do it again and people are kind of like waiting for it to be good that is like my fucking that's why i hate improv it's like on the spot and people are expecting something of you if i have a plan then i know it's gonna go well but if there's no plan fuck that dude i can't handle it so instead i was like poppy that sounds really good oh my god and then even if it didn't

sound good i just kept saying it sounded good so there was i didn't allow myself to be like no go back to the way you were doing it and then by the end of it she was like hitting all these notes and yes i posted it on my instagram and i did get notes of like hey you shouldn't have a little girl sing that song because she was like in the middle of the night in my dreams you should see the things we do baby and i'm like you know what she could be talking about like they are jumping fences and breaking in and like, you know, getting a candy jar. That could be the things you're doing in the middle of the night. Like it could be like we're doing bad things.

Like it doesn't have to be sexual. No, they made it sexual. Yeah. Yeah. And so and that's like the most sexual song a Taylor song gets. Like, can we just please have it um but anyway i told i walked into the kitchen and i said lauren this child needs singing lessons we need to start her now like i think i i want her to be a singer i mean i think she wants to be a singer i meant to

say it the other way i think this is her deep desire is to be a famous singer and my sister goes it's a little young for to start singing lessons and i go okay i go i'll pay for him and she was like she was like i don't know what does she want to and then i kind of just the conversation changed and then later on lauren was like and poppy's doing dance again and i go is isn't four too young to start dancing i got bitchy i was like isn't four too young to play soccer isn't four too young to do dancing? I got bitchy. I was like, isn't four too young to play soccer? Isn't four too young to do tumbling? Like, why can't she sing?

Like, she likes singing. She's good at it. And I hate to like make her my child or my little project, but I know that she likes it. And I know that she loves Taylor Swift and she could be Taylor Swift if we get in early. And I don't want to make it happen if she doesn't want to be but i am going to pay for her lessons since since you're doing it you understand like the value of starting her so young yes and that will get her some discipline like through music if she wants and confidence and she doesn't know what she wants she is really good and if you learn to sing at

that age it's just a gift that will go through the rest of your life and so much of singing as i've learned and i know that she likes singing as much as i did at that age if you have any moment of feeling like you're not a good singer at a form formidable age you will not you'll struggle the rest of your life to get it back it's like you get broken really young your spirit can be broken so early with the smallest little thing and then you won't and it's just and singing is your voice and especially for little girls like even if your daughter i would recommend singing to anyone who has small kids because it's teaching you how to be loud and heard even if you suck and i i would recommend kids getting in some kind of choir i think that's like just as good as like learning how to use your body and express with dancing.

Why do all little girls do dancing, which is a focus on your body in a leotard where you look – Sheer leggings, which is important to use your body, but what about voice? Let's get kids singing. Yeah. But anyway, I still don't want kids and and it was fun to play house and i love my niece and nephew um so desperately i can't even stand it and i'm so grateful for them i always just yeah nephews well i'm still on the fence about forest forest is just now he's amazing he's the one that sees ghosts did i tell you guys that that he's

no he says ghosts well the thing is he started out ghosts, and we don't know where he learned about ghosts. Like, my sister can't identify where he saw a ghost and was like, that's a ghost, and now I'm going to point out ghosts. We think he just might be able to see some kind of dead people, but he's not scared of them. And what we do now is just go, are there ghosts here? And he goes, no ghosts. He'll confirm yes or no ghosts as if it's like, is the room flooding? He's just like, no. Like carbon monoxide detector. Yeah.

He's two years old? No ghosts. Yeah, two. He's seeing the spirits of his past life. Passionately. Ghosts. There are people who used to say that. I interviewed a couple people who talked about when you're

a young baby, you still are connected to your past lives and you sometimes retain memories, but they fade away over time because you're conscious. What's that tension? Your body is receptive to all things because of that. Your muscles aren't just like, oh, I got to get up on Monday and go to that thing and I have to

send that email. You're not filled. You're not like an old tree that's just like oh i gotta get up on monday and go to that thing and i have to send that email like you're not filled like a you're not like an old tree that's just like battered and bruised and stiff and like kind of creaking in the wind you're just like a flowy bugs yeah you're like still you're like a sponge and you're just like malleable and, and, and open and easy and damp and smelly. God, kids are just, they just, they're not, they don't smell cause they all smell really good,

but they just are so sticky. You know, you just can't wear your, nothing you wear around them will ever be nice. You can wear black and they'll get that dirty. You can wear white. I mean, that's just,

you're fucked. tie dye is maybe your safest bet because they might you know it will look like intentional um but they put something on you but sticky and well and they just don't care they don't care that they have stickiness on them so they just accrue it you know like when you get we all get stuff sticky on us and then we wipe it off because we're like yuck but the kids aren't just like they're not aware of like feeling things be older that's what i say to children well be older well here's the thing about ghost kid i was getting on a plane a couple weeks ago and i was like having anxiety about it there was just some i guess i was really depressed that morning and i

said on girls chat that i hope my plane crashes so that was probably started it was that like i literally earlier that morning was so depressed i wanted my plane to crash and i literally was like tempting fate by saying like please god crash my plane you put it out into the universe yeah i put it out there which you know i believe in manifestation but at the moment i really did want it to crash i'm sorry for everyone else on that plane i wasn't thinking of you i was in a really bad state but i did put it out in the universe and then later that day i like wasn't in the mood to die anymore like i by the time the plane was like i was at the airport i was like okay things are better you know i had had enough caffeine um i had smoked a little weed

like i had like things just seemed okay like on the up and up and but then the weed i think was making me a little bit like sensitive to feelings of dread. And then I was starting to ruminate on, oh my God, I put that on the air. And so I was talking to God, like, please, I don't want my plane to crash. But I was just having a sense of like, this isn't good. Like, you shouldn't get on this plane. And I don't know what, I've had that sense a little bit in my life, but I've never, I know that there are some people that have it when they get on a plane and then they go like,

I got to get off this plane. And it's just, the plane never crashes. It's just like your anxiety. Like, we all have that feeling at some point that have it when they get on a plane and then they go like i gotta get off this plane and it's just the plane never crashes it's just like your anxiety like we all have that feeling at some point where this isn't right i'm not gonna but you don't you can't really there's no evidence for it right like if i saw like the wing wobbling off yes get off the plane if the door seems like it's gonna fall off get off the plane if there's someone who is actively talking about hijacking the plane get off but like when you're just having a spidey sense, I can't be one of those people that gets off a plane because I'm just like, I don't know. I just have a feeling.

No, I am not that person. I'd rather die than be that person. I wouldn't be so bad in. They're going to always intercept my life. Yes, that's true. But man, if you're on that plane, you have a feeling you say I'm staying on and then it crashes. I had a show that night.

Big old dumbass. I didn't have an option. I would have had to get on the next plane. And then what if that plane crashes? Like, what if God's, you know, like, it would just. That would be ironic. Right. So I just couldn't.

So anyway, I'm on this plane, and I'm like, I'm, then they go, this is a very, it's going to be an empty flight, folks. So there should be no one in any middle seat. No one needs to be in a middle seat. It was a Southwest flight. Very few people will die if this plane crashes. Yeah.

This isn't going to real, it'll make the news. Will it make an impact? Will it be remembered by its flight number in casual conversation? No. Do you ever do that with your flight number where you're like, this sounds like a famous flight number. Does anyone do that?

We're like, if your flight is like flight 417 like united flight 417 you're like oh my god that kind of sounds like a famous tragic flight as opposed to like 412 doesn't 412 always lands like think about the flights that have gone down like boat like uh american airline 77 like or whatever like it just united flight 77 or what. United Flight 77. Or what's the one that went down? They just always sound famous. And this is all just in my head.

They sound famous now because they've been made famous. Right. We were talking about my... Nikki and Sarah sounds better than Sarah and Nikki. Sometimes a flight number just sounds catchy in a way. Tragically catchy. I never thought of that, i will now i know i'm sorry to make anyone get this in people's head but this is a good ending okay so i'm on the plane and

i'm having anxiety i'm like oh my god you idiot like you're having thoughts that this is going to go down you fly all the time and you never get that you don't you rarely really i would say one in 200 flights i'm like i'm kind of nervous about this flight for some reason and it never has happened but so i'm on the flight and then my sister oh so then they go there's no middle seats on this flight everyone should be uh aisle or window i'm in the very front of the plane because if the plane goes down i just want to die quickly i don't want to be in the back where i'm just like kind of like writhing around if you if you ever are in a plane crash you have a better chance of surviving the back but you know you're not going to so it's like i would just sit in the front mostly if you're

ever scared about dying because it'll be quicker so i um so i'm sitting in the front a guy's on already on the aisle i get the window seat so like we're good the second they say there's no middle seats a woman plops down in our middle seat and is like oh i almost didn't make it the security and then she's she's talking right away so i'm putting in my earpods putting down my eye mask like i'm not talking to this insane woman she starts going and they got the flight number wrong they keep saying 417 but it's not it's 532 i don't know why they're saying the wrong and so i'm starting to be like what and then i go well let me look at if this is this one of those air max seven or eights that are the ones that everyone say are bad which they aren't really it's like this is just the chances

of dying in a plane crash even in one of those that you know there's been a slightly more things going on with those it's still you you have a better chance of dying falling off a balcony when you're hanging out at a party or something especially if the balcony was made by air max boeing boeing sorry did you there was a really funny thing i gotta do a shout out on the daily show john stewart was hosting oh you did he was talking about what wait oh you're shouting out the daily show yeah i'm shouting out like a really funny thing that i saw jordan klepper john john um stewart was talking to jordan klepper about like hey you've got great shows this week Jordan, because, you know, John only does Monday and Jordan was going to do the rest of the week. And so Jordan's like, yeah, actually, I'm not going to be here. I'm actually quitting The Daily Show and I'm going on to something bigger.

And it sounded like it was actually happening. And John's like, wait, what? And everyone's like the audience is kind of he's like, I am I'm going to go off and i'm going to be the ceo of boeing and john's like well do you have any experience in engineering or aeronautical like technicians even like business and he's like no but i went to the interview and i brought this and john's like what he goes and they saw this and they go that is exactly what we've been looking for it was just such a funny line that that's what they're looking for is this just big like kind of cartoonish wrench anyway okay so then i go wait maybe i'm on a max seven or eight so i look for the pamphlet in front of in the pocket where the barf bag is to go like what is

this plane model and my my thing is missing the the whole the whole fold that little folder thing even the barf bag yeah everything and then i look in the woman's pocket and i was gonna get hers but then that would spark up a conversation with her so i'm like okay so now i'm not even allowed to know if this is an air seven or air max eight and also like on her card it was just below it so i couldn't read it so i'm like oh my god this is god fucking with me like he's letting me know get I'm like, oh my God, this is God fucking with me. Like he's letting me know, get off this plane or whatever my version of God is.

And I'm starting to panic. Then here's the clincher. My sister texts me a video of Forrest. And she goes, Nikki, he just started talking about you, like out of the blue. And so she sends me this video and Forrest, she's in the kitchen, right? And she's filming because she wants to catch him just forest she she's in the kitchen right and she's filming

because she wants to catch him just mumbling to himself in the next room and then she goes and you just hear him mumbling and she goes what'd you say and then the camera like turns and it goes into where he's playing and he just turns the camera he goes bye nikki oh my god and she goes what'd you say and he goes bye nikki and he's two you guys like it doesn't even say it sounds like bye nikki bye and she goes bye nikki and he goes yeah and she goes where is she going and he starts mumbling and i'm trying to make it out like where am i going like does he know and he's just he's waving to the camera and then he's wait she goes he was waving out the window to you bye bye nikki and um which made me feel special because he hasn't really talked about me when i'm not there before this is like a new thing and that's very sweet and i had been there the day

before and i had said goodbye to him and we made kind of a thing of it so maybe he was holding on to that like bye nikki but it was but then i said to myself i was just like should i tell my sister that i'm having these things and and like should i check with because we haven't followed up on the ghost thing the ghost thing happened like a month before and i'm like can he still see ghosts like is this is this kid like so i said to her i was like ah um i was like hey uh do you know like why he's saying bye to me like were you guys talking about me were you saying bye nikki and some and she was like no it's just out of the blue and i was like okay because i'm a little nervous i'm on a plane that i'm having like some bad feelings about and like is is does

forest can he like see i should read this conversation i go can he see the future because my sister was so not helpful this is so ridiculous okay so hold on let me just find it i know this is okay oh my god okay so she sends this to me it's 12 16 p.m march 22nd she says he keeps talking about you bye nikki bye nikki it's the video i said oh my god that's so cute i wonder what he's trying to say so this is me being like can you tell me what he's trying to say because afterwards she's like why are you saying bye and he's like and then she goes what he goes so he says the same mumbling thing twice so he's trying to communicate something but it doesn't so it's you know when like a kid says something mumbly and you're like it could be anything but they say the same mumbly thing twice and you're like that is something just don't know what it is

so i said i wonder what he's trying to say because i'm like can you decipher it but i don't want to let her know i'm scared yet because i know my sister like might co-sign on my fear she said i just heard him saying that i just heard him from the other room start saying, bye, Nikki. I said, Jesus, that's scary from the kid who sees ghosts. I said, and I'm about to take off on a plane. She said, ha ha, but he was looking out the window like he remembered seeing you leave. It's not an omen. I said, or he saw my ghost.

I said, Forrest knows things we don't, LOL. I threw an LOL just to be like, right? I literally did throw an LOL. That was intentional. I go, I just keep having weird things happen before this flight that make me superstitious. And this is the icing on the cake, baby. I'm also trying to be like, this is the icing on the cake. Like, we're still joking.

Even though I am literally quaking in fear and like questioning getting off, even though I will not make my show if I take a later flight. She said, oh, no, maybe you're right. Oh, shit, what else? Get off now. No. And I go, Lauren, I can't. We are on the runway and I have a show. I said, this stuff is not real.

She said, I know, you'll be fine. Don't psych yourself out. I said, I felt this in my Uber too. Thought something bad would happen there too. It's one of those days. She said, do you normally have these days? I said, not really, but I can't be someone who gets off a plane because of omens that's a person with mental health issues this

is so wild she goes i don't think so sometimes you just have intuition she goes she goes no i don't think you're crazy i think sometimes you just have intuition and i go i am mostly on an empty southwest flight and the flight attendant said many times that no one has to be in a middle seat and a woman sits down between me and the aisle guy and now she's picking her hand skin biting it and flicking off the skin like this woman was ripping at her skin and it was bleeding and she's picking the skin off and then flicking it and it was flying on me and so obviously the plane deserves

to go down now I mean that's right like this woman movie thing that you're late to the flight and you get on it and that's the one that's going to crash and you like and now you're disgusting and horrible and it's like well the more of those on the flight then the more likely it is that God will strike it with a lightning bolt. He's like trying to tell me, like, get off this.

Like, I'm putting this woman next to you. You don't belong. Like, there are too many weird things happening. Get off. But I can't switch my seats at this time because it's about, we're almost about to take off. You know, like they're shutting the overhead bins. So that's not a time to be like, I'm going to switch my seat.

And it would have been very obvious to those women, like, I take your shit you know and i just didn't want to be that way so instead i took a picture of her picking her skin and sent it to my sister so that's nice she said oh you gotta move i said i don't want an i don't want an aisle because that's all was and i said and i think all the windows are taken i said it's wild she's twitching this poor lady i should be nice she's just crazy she said you'd rather have her than an aisle and i go i think it would just be a hassle and everyone is seated and it would cause a scene and then um then nothing and then i texted her i landed and i said forest esp was off she said so glad you're alive um so but i just you know it's these moments in your life where you go like, am I gonna let my mental illness,

because that is mental illness, to think that you know better than facts, and like you're, like this, that you're getting this feeling, but it's also not because we also get told like, go with your gut, you know, like trust your instincts,

like if you get a weird feeling about a guy, don't like go on into a second location with him, and it's like, is it that I have a weird feeling about him or is it like i ate something weird earlier or is it that like how often do you trust this instinct because how ridiculous is it if i get off that plane i miss my flight because nikki had a bad feeling it was gonna crash even though it totally didn't and then it lands and then i i miss my show like i i can't do that and i know that there's i know we have besties who have anxiety and who have definitely missed

out on things because of this bad feeling before and i've heard stories of people actually getting off planes because they just have a weird feeling and i honor that and i have been that person in certain circumstances but sometimes you just gotta die in a plane crash because you got a show in gary indiana that night yeah but you know what thank you for texting your sister um that you had a feeling because if the plane did crash then we'd have that great story yes brian that is exact this is okay thank you for saying that this is what i'll end it with if you are someone out there who has these feelings sometimes and you feel like oh my god i'm gonna cause such a scene and if i die i might die in this but i also really don't have a lot of facts to back it up that i'm gonna die and i'm scared text someone your anxieties have a record of it because if you

do die people will be like it will be you will be famous for predicting it like it will be the biggest story in the world and so there'll be some kind of like make sure you get it out there because the worst thing that would happen would be for you to have these premonitions to die and then no one knows about it yeah you know so that gave me some kind of control in it that i was if god was going to take my life away in that moment because i was ignoring his signs he would actually have to deal with the fact that people are going to know he exists or something you know what i mean like because of my intuition like he was going to out himself because i had i had blown his cover with my sisters like texting her or he could have just killed her after all these millennia

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you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community and I made my way back.

This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the My Gulura Podcast Network, available on the iHeart on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts oh i have i have such a busy week ahead of me can you talk about what's going on how much can you tell us so much lovers and liars lovers and liars is premiering so I have some press to do for that so that's April 11th the first episode is out right now on the CW app

great reviews I saw Benedict last night from the show he came in open for me in Pechanga and he's the lead of that

yeah the Pechanga Casino which by the way I went to the Pechanga Casino in 2007 because I was friends with Doug Benson and Doug Benson was opening for Sarah Silverman here in 2007 because i was friends with doug benson and doug benson was opening for sarah silverman here wow in 2007 and so he brought me along because i was staying at his uh house

when i was visiting la or his apartment um and so he was like do you want to go with us to see sarah silverman at pachanga and i was like drive down to san diego with sarah silverman in a car with us three she was my taylor swift at that time. People don't know this, but I had posters of Sarah Silverman on my wall. I had bought every... This was 2006 and 2007, so the internet wasn't as full of stuff of people, but I had to

order these shirts and posters. That was so much better. To be a silvery, or whatever I was back then, took a lot of effort i would like buy magazines on ebay with a little article about her that would say like what her favorite book was and then i would buy that book and read it like i just wanted to be i was i was just as obsessed um i went to see jesus magic on opening day um in the theaters and i was on the edge of my seat and

i remember my parents looking at me like i was gay. You know, like our daughter loves this woman too much and I probably was. So when 2007 rolls around, I go to LA. I'm friends with Doug Benson because I met him on Last Comic Standing when I went to, I made it to the semifinals

when I was still in college. I went to LA. I already knew Doug Benson from Best Week Ever. I was a huge fan. And then he was in the semifinals too at Best Week Ever or at Last Comic Standing. So I'm a college student. And then he was in the semifinals too at Best Week Ever, or at Last Comic Standing. So I'm a college student.

Best Week Ever had a competition. I would have signed up for that. I loved that show so much. But I saw him and I saw Tig at this hotel that I was checking into for my first time in LA as like a performer. And I was checking in to be on the show and I'm still in college and

i'm like in over my head and there's 40 comedians and doug benson is at the front desk and i'm like oh my god i love you doug benson and i was like i had just made a list at um school of my top 10 favorite comedians i was working this like um telemarketing job and i was bored and i was like i'll make a list of my top 10 favorite comedians and he was number eight and i told him that and you shouldn't tell someone they're number eight, even though that is a great spot to have. Do you have the rest of the list or just remember eight? I just remember he was eight.

And remember, he was kind of annoyed that I told him that. But yeah. And I go, what are you doing here? I just was like, why are you at this Glendale Hotel in, you know, in near Pasadena? And he was like, oh, i'm doing last coming standing i was like what i'm competing against number eight in the world and i've been doing comedy for eight months i was just like oh god but anyway we became really good friends while doing that little show

he started having me on the road with him um the first time i went on the road with him i flew out to la and before we went on the road together i just was hanging out in la crashed on his couch and he was like do you want to go tonight to go with sarah and me to pachanga to mecula i'm like yeah is she okay so i'm in the back seat of sarah like taylor swift's car pretty much i am in the back seat of it on the way down we drive down there at one point i'd met her once before so the first i don't want to make this story too long but when i first got into town when i landed i get to doug's apartment and he's like tonight we're gonna go to jimmy's show and sarah's gonna pick us up and i was like i don't even know what these names are like i don't understand what you're saying he's like we're going to jimmy kimmel's

show oh kimmel yeah jimmy pardo was a part of my the story as well but i um we're gonna go to jimmy kimmel's show and um sarah's gonna pick us up this was the sarah and jimmy were dating and i'm like what like what is my life and then i remember getting in her car and i remember her like beautiful pony like i was looking at her ponytail and i was in the back of her sob um and we were driving to jimmy kimmel and then we went it was amazing it was the night where she debuted um i'm fucking matt damon you know that song that was like huge It was the night where she debuted. I'm fucking Matt Damon. You know, that song that was like huge. It was the night that day. I think it was like birthday or something.

It was huge. And it was such a party. It became alive back then. It was like 2006 or this was 2006 actually. So then later that summer, I think was when we went to Pechanga and I met her that night, obviously, but then this was like a road trip with her.

And she was talking about some interviews she did when we were in the car. And was like yeah i just did she was like it's so crazy how you like forget what you've done or like what your old jokes were she was talking about like just you know how long it's been she's been doing it and kind of doesn't remember how she started or whatever and she said some interview a guy had asked her when did you start doing music in your comedy and she was like and i didn't know what to say i don't even know in your comedy and she was like and i didn't know what to say i don't even know when i started and i was like um the first time you went on stage i'm in the back seat i'm like i think like the first time you went on stage didn't you sing uh uh like a parody of the song memories but it was about your boobs and it was like called memories she

just i remember she was just slowly turned around she goes how do you know that and she was just like what and i i just said i think i know more about you than you know about yourself i was like i'm really like a huge fan that's amazing and um so we went to petonga and i remember being at the same stage i was on last night i remember being side stage being like oh my god this room is so big and it's like yeah it was really sold well last night anyway benedict was on the show he was so fun and so funny and uh we had a good time and did you guys do anything lovers and liars related no he talked a lot about his experience on the show it was really funny about how he lost twice on f boy island and he's back for the show and how uh he had a funny bit

about being with all these like hot guys on the show and he's like i went in like and to pursue like love and he was like and i came out gay i think i'm like in love with men because i'm around these like adonises um of which he is one by the way benedict's like so hot but he also is like you know he's talking about like his insecurities it's so funny when like hot people talk about being and i've been one of them before where i've looked really hot and i've been like i'm ugly and people like it does not connecting, girl. But people don't know how Benedict feels naturally. But he's like, I've gotten hair plugs.

This is fake. He was talking about all the fake things on him, kind of like the way I do. It was really refreshing. Anyway, we had a good time. The show is, he's watched Lovers and Liars. I haven't yet because I don't like watching myself. But I hear that first episode's really funny and really good and i know the season's going to be incredible so check that out on the cw so i'm doing a lot of press for it this week final

thought i also am filming a game show i'm filming seven episodes of a game show that this just came dude i thought it was one episode right like i thought when i said yes to this which i was happy to do one episode sure sure but now it's because i really like the people involved i like the production company i like the the the title of the show i like everything you can't say anything about it no but i can't wait till i can because it's so exciting you guys so anyway i was instantly like yes i want to do this i was like the most excited i've ever been to say yes to something and you know besties you can figure out what it might have something to do with like you know so i'm like yes and i'm like oh i'm gonna do one

episode and then it comes back like you're doing seven episodes because then then i was like oh shit i have to find seven different outfits i mean that is a lot of work to like look head to toe perfect on for tv so then i'm scrambling to find seven outfits to even come up with the money to buy seven to not buy seven outfits but to like get them styled and like i'm getting paid this much for the show but i have to pay this much for styling do i really spend 50 of what i'm making on the show so i can look good enough for the show like Yes. Oh, God. You do it. The answer is yes, but then they told me you only have to wear one outfit for all seven episodes. We dry clean it between the days.

So I'm taping three episodes on one day, four on the other. So they're long-ass days, but we're banging out some TV. And I'm doing that on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have rehearsal for that tomorrow. So that's why we've had to change the podcast schedule around and do it early. And then I'm on the road next week. Insane.

You know, Minneapolis, then New Orleans, then Houston. And then there's another big thing that's going on in my life that I'm preparing for. So it's just a lot of stuff piling up at the same time. And sometimes I'm just like... And then there's also my special is coming out and they're sending me the trailer for it and they're sending me like the the key art which is like the poster that you see and like what it's going to look like on hbo can you say what it's called um i don't even think it's not hollywood like i don't know what's

gonna happen if i do but i just want more people will be excited about it yeah what a crime it's don't tell anyone before we make the announcement because we don't want anyone to know about it until we want people to know this is hollywood i don't understand yeah that's true like someone would have to really listen pretty hard into this to get it but anyway i'm at a casino now i'm fine and this is the added thing. I said yes to do a show that this woman asked me to do a show all the time when I'm in LA and I'm never available for her show. She's really nice and really cool. And finally, she asked me to do one and I go, oh my God, yes, this is Sunday.

After I get to LA, I'll get to my hotel and I'll go do this show. Fine. Finally, I can like do a solid for this lady who's been asking me for so much. I say yes to it weeks ago. She texted me yesterday being like, all right, see you tomorrow. Get there at 325. Your set's at 335. I'm like, what?

It's during the day. I did look at her text and she said it was a matinee, but I don't think of matinee as that early. I don't know. I guess it is. A matinee is at noon on Broadway. Yeah, onay i didn't wouldn't you specify the time a little bit more than just saying matinee i don't know i was just reading a text quickly and i've never once done a show during the day yeah um so i have i that's yeah

that's not true i've done many many shows during the day but not in la for like so anyway it's for um a charity and i have to go do that and so that kind of threw a wrench in my day and and then i have a zoom call for this game show i'm doing today and then um i also i'm trying to keep up with pilates which by the way last night on snl a lot of besties sent me um a pilates sketch it's so funny it's like a it's a fake horror movie where it's like almost like it's it's like a trailer almost it's a girl yeah girl mama movie yeah and it's like these girls going to a pilates studio where it's like a pilates class where it's dark and they have like a neon sign on the wall it's like you've got it and then it's like now this is the reformer it's a machine

that looks like a torture device slash like a sex machine and there's always one gay guy in the class who's wearing too short of shorts. And then there's one woman who's like 11 months pregnant, who's nailing everything. And then, um, and they also did a part where, and Kristen wig is the instructor who's just like very positive, but like kind of a psycho bitch.

That's like making you do torturous things. And these two girls are going into it. Like, I don't know. I'm scared. And one's like, it's okay. And the other one's,

you know, really not good at it. It's, it totally is what what pilates is and then there's one part that i really loved because she was like how long have we been doing this is it like is this like been like four hours and she's like it's been 11 seconds and that's like that is what pilates is is like everything feels so long um it was really funny and i sent it to my pilates girls this morning and they were like you've got it mamas like that was the thing they kept saying like good job mamas would you have a separate pilates girls chat with new with new people in it no this is the first time i've actually incorporated both of my pilates instructors into one chat they work at the same

studio and they work closely together but i was like okay i think it's one of them is already in girls chat no oh no this is separate from girls yeah kirsten is a pilates kirsten and holla are pilates instructors they are on girls chat they are not my instructors because one lives in arkansas and one lives in kansas city but i have my two pilates instructors and that's another thing like when you are working out consistently and your schedule gets really busy you have to just stop working out because you truly can't fit it in and i know that's like there's always little things you can do and you can buy the bands and you can just even sitting on a plane you can do the bands and like but i'm not gonna do that so like it's just you can't you can't do it all and um i'm just feeling

that pretty hard right now but it's nice to get a podcast and we're gonna get another one and i think tonight um and so we'll be done with that for the week even though this is um the the the easiest of all the things i have to do where i can just kind of be myself a lot of besties came to the shows this weekend thank you so much and we have lots of shows coming up um in april and then all through uh summer. Yeah. But it'll be okay. Everything will be fine. Because Lizzie B, someday you'll die. We can at least tell the audience what your show is not named.

So it's not named Bigger and Blacker. Right. Speaking of Bigger and Blacker, I am getting... I... Well, not speaking of it but i do want to say i am trying a new thing where i'm trying to embrace the pale beyond the pale yeah i'm trying to just be a pale girl and like not think of my skin tone as like a bad thing because i feel disgusting without a spray tan like i really feel it's the way girls feel they get manicures all the time and then you don't have

a manicure like that's the way i don't ever feel that way about my hands because i don't get manicures enough but i can imagine if you're a manicure girly when you have just regular hands they're disgusting to you and you can't picture your life without them i'm trying to ease into being showing my body off like i have no problem being completely naked when i like and being like wearing i could wear pasties on stage when i have a spray tan i have i have a lot of body confidence when i have a spray tan ton of it almost too much but when i am pale i have zero body confidence and it's really hard for me but this weekend i just didn't want to get a spray tan because i'm doing this game show right and i want to be really spray tan for that so i can't get a spray tan on on friday for my friday and saturday show because

then by tuesday when i tape the thing it's it's fluffy right it's falling off and you can't take it off faster and then put a new one on it It has to fall off naturally. So I have to time it perfectly. So I was forced this weekend to just be pale as shit. And I didn't want to paint my body, which I usually do. If I can't spray tan, I usually just put on the paint. But that makes me feel sticky.

And so I was like, let me just try to not spray tan. And I think it went okay. I haven't seen the pictures yet, but I'm like, I just am just going to try this. And because Taylor Swift does it. She's not always spray tanned.

No. And she looks great. Yeah, I haven't seen her spray tan. But I'm wondering if she's like 20 pounds lighter than me because spray tans do make you look thinner. There is no question. They instantly seem to take off 10 to 15 pounds of your body. And I'm sorry to say that.

It just is the way it is. Um, and so I wonder if like, you have to be so much more thin to look normal tan. Like this is just my, my dumb brain talking, but it is true when you get a spray tan, people think you lose weight. And so I just have to be comfortable looking the weight I am and not doing an optical illusion. But I did go on stage last night last night um and i was wearing a crop top tank top but i did wear pants i didn't expose my pale legs yet because that's my biggest fear is that people won't say i have good legs anymore because that's what i get that's the one thing i consistently get accolades on that i don't have to really try for i know i do pilates but i already have good

legs even if i don't do pilates just because and it's not because i'm did anything special it's just luck my i have my dad's legs i have a dad bod and i'm worried that those compliments will stop if i they're not tan like it's almost predicated on being tan so i'm a little scared to show those please don't slide in my dms and be like we love you no matter what i know you do thank you so much for saying that preemptively um ghosts but i just i'm like predicting what people are not they're like we weren't even going to um but yeah i'm just i'm going to challenge myself to start being like a pale girly and like i because i never think people look bad pale it's only me so it's great i love pale really yeah i prefer pale i think i mean i like it's good to mix it up i think it's sometimes you're pale sometimes you're not but it's so fucked up that white women

are desperately trying not to be white to look as hot as they can be and yet when it comes to like you know having a privileged life white it like no one can deny being white is like an easier life um or like i'm not saying i don't have the experience of not being white so i don't know but i've heard rumors that being white is like it just things it's a privileged life but then we're us white ladies are fighting it constantly and that tmz if i was someone who had a naturally bronzed complexion i would be fucking calling out white bitches so much for being like oh you like your when you're white when it gets you more money and jobs and opportunities and everything but god you want to be us when it comes to looking fuckable don't

you're what i like if i was a stand-up girl if i was a stand-up girl i just think i think someone needs to make that connection between and i've tried it before a little bit of like i am doing like when girls get a spray tan it's blackface but it's like for women who are brazilian you know what i'm saying like why are we not getting called out for like literally darkening our skin tone why why is that well why aren't we being canceled for that i think we should because then i don't have to do it naturally you could get a tan naturally and become that color but you're never gonna become black not that color man that's right like you have to tan a lot yeah i mean i used to get very tan as a child but i would if i was a

naturally uh if and and there's no i don't please don't misconstrue my words and think that i think i'm privileged because i'm white i'm just based on things i've heard do you know i'm not speaking out of turn here right like this is insane nick are you saying that white people have privileges that other people don't have yes i've heard that we do that and i don't like that i don't want to have that but it's so funny to me that white people are constantly trying not to be white and yet it's it's just um i would call it out and i i definitely think there's going to be a wave of like backlash in the future of girls getting really dark spray tans where we like really shame them and be like i can't believe we thought this was accessible acceptable at one

point and i think i'm going to be front and center in that in that backlash and i'm going to lose my tonight show that i'm about to get because they'll be like did you see these these resurfaced pictures of nikki doing bronze face and i'm gonna be canceled because it'll come back to haunt me yeah dude all i can say right now as we go is that everyone needs to go look up the kirsty alley story of her telling uh barbara walters in the 90s about her parents car crash her parents both died in a car crash it's so tragic but i cannot believe this clip just surfaced it's talk about what a different time it was and i'm not saying it was a better time it's completely fucked up what was acceptable barbara walters is asking her brian i don't think you're gonna believe this i don't think you're

ready i don't know the whole story so i don't know even what this is barbara walters is talking to kirstie alley and she says like tell me about the story about your parents passing and she's like i found out about it. And obviously, I'm at the hospital. They said, your dad is dead and your mom is going to die. And maybe it was the other way around. And I'm at the hospital. I'm with all my siblings.

And we're sobbing and crying. And I go, where were they going? And my sister said, a Halloween party. And I said, and she goes, and I don't know why I even said this. I don't even know why I thought it. But I said, what were they dressed as and my sister said the odd couple and I go oh you know like Walter Matthau and whoever and she said no your mom was dressed as a black girl and your dad was dressed as a Ku Klux Klan member oh my god i just thought in that moment that is the greatest gift to get

is that it's so funny like like she's like she's like it was she i forget what she says but she said it was like a sign that it was like her parents were watching like but like it's so wow so she went full blackface i I mean, I can only assume. Wow. But Barbara Walters is not stunned by this revelation. Like, it was not, this did not resurface until now. No one at the time was like, what the fuck?

This was the 90s and that was for some reason acceptable to go and blackface two things. Okay, I have to go because the people are, but you guys go look up that clip. It's Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer are watching it. I think that's how it resurfaced is them commenting on it.

It's nuts. So I'll leave you on that. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast. Thank you for listening. Bye, and don't be scared. Bye, guys. Joel, the holidays are a blast,

but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt.

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