The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #435 Nikki's Autograph Price Point, GRWM Videos, & What Happened To Babysitters?

Episode Date: April 26, 2024

Nikki and Brian tune in remotely from Los Angeles in their respective abodes. They both discuss Nikki's autographs and search how much they cost to buy on eBay. The hot trend of Get Ready With Me (GRWM) videos and how "Girls Chat" wish they could be a part of that TikTok world. They get into the nitty gritty about why new parents never hire babysitters and rely on grandparents to do the work. The final thought comes from every mother from the 80s and 90s: "Be happy with what you have!" Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Hi, everyone. It's Nikki. It's me. I'm here. Nikki Glaser in Los Angeles, California. We're doing it remote today. Brian's at his home in Culver City.

Is that too specific? Do you not want people to even know? I love Culver City. I'm a big fan of it, and I don't mind risking my life to promote it. I'm sure there's going to be thousands of fans. That would be so ambitious if someone figured out and really made it their mission to figure out where you live based on just like a yeah a place where thousands of people live you can figure out where

anybody lives it's pretty easy to look up someone's address and like if you're really desperate to figure out where someone lives all you need to do is hire a private investigator for 150 dollars and they'll figure it out within 20 minutes yeah Yeah, because they'll use 15 of that dollars to just do the search. Yeah, pay for that website. Yeah, I posted on my story a while back that I was signing all these autographs. There's a whole culture of people

who send celebrities printed pictures of themselves and then send a return stamp envelope. And then you as the celebrity just have to take it out and then put it in the other envelope. And it sounds like it's very easy to do like, oh, that's you know, they provide everything. Opening mail and your hands get dry and there's so many. And then you have to keep track of like which one goes with which because it's a they all send them to my parents house and um my friend wrote to me and was like what is this like why do you have why you have to do this and i'm like i don't have to do it um and he's like did you like did you it almost did you set this up why would i ever set that up like and he goes how would people find your address?

I'm like the yellow pages or the, the white pages. I mean, my, it's my parents address. All these things get sent to my parents. Their, their address has been on,

it's in every buzz book, which was the, you know, directory for our school. It's, it's well documented. You can find out where my parents live. That's not wild.

I mean, I tried to write a joke about this once, but the fact that boomers seem to be so concerned about their privacy, about changing their passwords. My mom is going to be mad that I even said this, even though it's just a thing that you can find without paying any money. Okay, go on. My dad won't even provide the answers to security questions to chase bank because he's afraid that he'll get put on a list somewhere yeah some when did the tides change

but kind of like back in the 80s yeah you just printed out your address and phone number in a book and distribute them to everyone in the neighborhood absolutely i mean that's you had every number of every boy that you had a crush on in school. Yeah. And their address, you could drive your bikes by. And yeah, my mom, well, people don't know where I live, which is good for the most part.

I think they don't, but they could probably figure it out. And like, if you send something to my parents' house, I might end up signing it in like two years because some of the it just piles up and then my mom goes nikki we gotta do something with all of these and i'll probably eventually get to it but please don't like it's just added work in my life and unless it's like really matters to you if you're just someone who's hoarding these things why why i mean i guess i hoard certain things i have things that i'm into but these people that they meet me at airports i mean this isn't a common thing that i'm into but these people that they meet me at

airports i mean this isn't a common thing that happens to me but it just happened to me in um buffalo buffalo was just like so many things happened in buffalo i met those swifties on the flight home i got into that altercation with the guy at the tsa but when i arrived in buffalo was that were they there when i arrived no when i got to the airport in buffalo or maybe it was i don't know where it was but, when I got to the airport in Buffalo, or maybe it was, I don't know where it was, but when I got to the airport, they knew what terminal I was going to be at.

Someone that works at the airport hooks these guys up with the flight logs and finds out who's going to be there. And then David Spade told me that sometimes he will land in a city and they'll be waiting at the gate for him. People that don't even have a ticket. They didn't buy a ticket to get in.

They have friends that connect them and get them in so that they can harass people when they get off the plane. And they're always really nice. They're always guys in a dirty coat who look a little unshowered and disheveled, but they're so nice. And they always tell you something about yourself. Like, I love that roast joke you did about,

they have some specific thing that makes it feel like they're really a fan and then they have tons of printed pictures of you and they hand you a sharpie or like an exact like the right kind of pen that they want for that thing then they make they they have these like big they'll have a big cardboard um board and then they have all of your headshots laid out like seven of them and then they hand you a thing and you just sign each one and And I just write an X through the ones that, where I don't like the picture that they've chose. And they don't want them personalized because they are, I guess,

going to sell them. But I, I've, I've signed thousands at this point and I'm not even that famous. Like what, what are you going to get for that? Like what, what happens?

Like, do they trade them? Like what, what is going on with these? I need to know about this culture. I mean, I used to live with a guy like that. But for what?

Like you, your shipping would cost more than someone would pay to buy an autograph of mine. Maybe now. At this point. Maybe. But if it's all, if I die tragically,

or if I get really, I start dating someone famous, that's the only way that I'm going to reach the level of fame in which those are going to be. If I start dating Taylor Swift. there's lots of ways you can do it. You could kill somebody. That's true. Yeah yeah don't discount that never discount that i could um pull an oj yeah or robert blake i'm trying to think of other famous people that have murdered um yeah but i just

i just have to these are gonna really i sometimes i write like this will be so expensive when i die i like i write that on it sometimes and they go oh that's okay and i'm like but this it's true this is worthless until i die or until i kill i make someone else die like you said but i don't know what this is and they all you know they'll write they they all send the same looking things like there's i know this is a subculture of people and i want to understand it's like the same people that buy like funko pops you know like where you're just like why like what you want to understand not the people who are trying to get you to sign it and then sell it on ebay you want to understand the people who collect the autographs who will pay i get

collecting like you have like a room in your house and you have all these people that like you have taken some of their time from them to scribble on a paper. Like you own a piece of their time. Like all the things I have with Taylor, I have so many Taylor Swift signatures cause people give, she signed so much stuff. And there's a part of me that feels like she, I had a second of her life. I had 1.2 seconds of her life when she went like,

Oh, I own that. Like she's devoted something of her amazing life. All the time she signed things if you added them up for all the signatures i have i probably have like 10 she could have written like 14 songs if she wouldn't have been having to do that and uh and i and that's why sometimes when i get an autograph of hers i'm just like oh i'm so sorry that i inconvenienced you in this way somewhere in your past you had to scribble this and you should have been doing

something else with your time um but i really like when people ask for my autograph i like when people ask for pictures everyone always knows this i just don't understand these guys that um i just oh and then they send you a letter too a lot of times and that's really nice and but it's kind of like mad lib style like you can tell they just fill in but some of them are very personal and um and a lot of i can tell that a lot of i'm being shitty a lot of these people i think are homebound like you can just tell like they just consume tv and entertainment and feel a connection with people and like it just seems like this is their way to reach the outside world and i'm sorry that i don't send it back for another i think it's exciting they send off these things to i'm guessing hundreds of celebrities and then they probably get 40 back and from me you get one back three years after you sent it and that's must be

exciting yeah but i i would never um when my friend was like so this is a thing like you do and i'm like i would never invite this i don't i'm not someone who's like, you're welcome. Here's my signature. It's just not who I am. But I guess there are people that would do that. I'm exhausted. I used to live with one of these guys. Ronaldo, back in the story of Queens. A guy who...

The guy that you told us about who would... Oh, yeah. He would go to celebrity events. He took me to one. I was like his little mentor for a while because I was also poor. And he's the one who taught me how to get onto food stamps and to take advantage of all of the publicly funded safety net. How do you get on food stamps?

I know that's such a privileged thing to say. Yeah, I mean, there was a bunch of different tricks. So much red tape like one of the tricks one of the tricks was like don't tell them that you have a cell phone because if you have enough money to afford a cell phone plan or if you're on your parents plan still then they're gonna think you have enough money to not need food stamps so just lie and say i don't even have a phone like stuff like that and he's like you go in and he's like you gotta wear a shirt with like that's not that nice like where you gotta wear a a button down shirt that looks like you got at the discount rack at a mall somewhere.

Maybe it doesn't fit you right. And then when you go in there, he just like coached me. He's like, when you go in there, look like you're sad. Look like nothing's going well in your life and you just need a little bit of help. So what is in there? Where is there? You have to go to like a social services administrative building. It's a government building.

It's like going to the DMV, except you go to the food stamps office and you interview with a social worker. And then do the food stamps literally look like stamps? I think they used to back in the day, but that's no longer the case. Is it a card now? Yeah, it's a card now. And the rule with food stamps is you can only buy food that's groceries that's not prepared. Even if you went to the grocery store, you couldn't buy a cooked rotisserie chicken at the grocery store with food stamps.

Well, that's what poor people need because they don't have microwaves and stuff. They really want you to pinch every penny and spend your money on uncooked food so that you cook it yourself and that you save the money. It's cheaper. But then there's some things that you can buy with food stamps that you're like, how is this possible? Like a Mountain Dew berry blast or things that

don't give you any nutrition. You probably can. Yeah, you can. I think there's really a lot of food that you can get that's just like, it's not even food. But you're not allowed to buy a cooked rotisserie chicken, which I've tried to buy before. And they said no. But listen to this. I got the maximum amount of benefit on the food stamps.

Because at the time I was just like living in Astoria. I was, you know, I wasn't taking. And you have that demeanor. If you played up your demeanor of downtrodden. Yeah. You're going to get a lot of sympathy stamps. Yeah. But I got the maximum amount thanks to Ronaldo's coaching.

And guess how much the maximum amount is? At least at the time. I'm going to guess $120 a week. That's very close if you were saying a month. It was $200 a month is what you get. That's ridiculous. Yeah. And then the law changed or something.

Yeah. And I reapplied for food stamps and I was denied. And then I had to go before a judge and argue for food stamps. Oh my God. He got you really wrapped up in this thing. Well, I was just like, i don't make i hardly make any money at all and um i'm trying to live in queens you know i don't want to yeah

it saves you 200 bucks a month that's something to be fair to be completely fair at any point i could have gone i'm privileged and i could have gone back and live with my parents and i would have been fine i didn't need the 200 a month per been fine. I didn't need the $200 a month per se, but it's not like I was taking $200 a month away from another poor person. It was taking $200 from the government because I was really, I had nothing. But isn't it taking $200 from a poor person

because they've allotted that amount for the poor people and that's why there is a system of like trying to figure out who deserves what and they probably have like, you can only give this money away. They have enough for everybody who gets through. enough i mean i'm not blaming you but i'm saying like when it comes down to it isn't it like there's not like a pothole that's not being covered up because you did that it's like no no there isn't a poor person that i took like it wasn't like me versus somebody else but in the scheme of things it kind like it's the argument i make when like people

have kids no offense to noah who's in active labor right now but when you have a child you are and you don't adopt your there's a kid shivering in an orphanage somewhere because you wanted to have something that looked like you yeah really if there is and we do this all i mean this is for everything we do in life that's even a little bit selfish or isn't you know there's there's cons there's something because of that like my dad always saying because you left this lamp on there is a smokestack billowing out poisonous fumes because of this lamp that you left on you know those smokestacks that just like they look they used to really disturb me as a child it's just like pollution going in the air like this it's crazy looking it's just like what you see on

documentaries where it's like the end of the world there's always a shot of a smokestack and my dad really like hammered that in my head of like that's because you're so selfish that you didn't want to go like turn off that bedside lamp because you wanted to go get to starbucks faster you are now polluting the world. And I, I think, I think in those terms because of my dad, you know what,

now that you mentioned it, I do remember at the beginning of the process, I had to, um, box a, uh, Honduran family. And I knew something like that was coming,

but didn't this guy teach you how to like go into celebrity events like red carpet events premieres of things and then he would after tell me what he would do there's a whole subculture of people who are collecting celebrity memorabilia to sell on ebay and that's how they make their living and so um ronaldo uh snuck me into the uh movie premiere of cop out that tracy morgan movie and um yeah one of the movies i almost said for for kevin hart when they asked me what my favorite kevin hart movie was oh my god i almost said that i love i loved you in shawshank redemption um oh yeah i think he's morgan freeman okay I just left a Nikki Glaser autograph, and there's so many. Yeah, how much?

There's so many. Oh, my God, $50? That's great. Wow. Oh, I remember signing that one. I remember some of these. Oh, I signed my legs in this one. Yeah, look at this.

$90, $115. I mean, there's nothing under $50. Oh, here's one, a comedy signed index card oh these bastards i always wonder what they do some because sometimes they just send up index card that you can get one for five dollars um there's i mean it's all of them they're all here wow okay that makes sense but i mean like if you can get 50 bucks for an autograph that's like a good deal for those god there's like a fan art sticker of me looking like i'm crying what is that from that's crazy that's kind of good nikki fan art podcast sticker

and i look like i'm crying it's really pretty picture of me too thanks for making that sticker everyone i don't know when i cried like that publicly but it's you nailed it um so this guy who you think is comparable to you in fame that's a really good question because this will reveal what i really think of myself um i would say man um god who would you i mean like i'm not gonna be offended to you in fame yeah let me just type in comedians because i literally am like drawing offended. Who's comparable to you in fame? Yeah. Let me just type in comedians. Cause I literally am like drawing a blank. Who's comparable to you? Mid-level famous comedians. Mid-level fame.

Um, well think about who's just touring theaters now. I mean, basically. Oh, that's a good point. What about Pete Holmes? I don't know.

Um, yeah, I'd say Pete Holmes. Okay. Pete Holmes. That's a really, that's perfect. So I used to think that he, and by the the way i'm doing a show with pete holmes today i'm doing a live netflix show with pete

holmes today yeah uh david chang has a show called um the problem with doing shows no offense to anyone who asked me to do a show you have to like watch the show and i don't like watching tv like i don't really watch shows and so i do have to watch i always watch the show when i'm okay it's called dinner time live okay and he has two guests on yeah it's live what and it'll be live tonight it'll be now it's by the time this podcast airs it's already on netflix existing if you want to watch me and pete holmes live on netflix cooking not cooking david watch me and pete holmes live on netflix cooking not cooking david chang cooks for us and then we eat food that he makes basically like a youtube show yeah kind of but it's really well shot you know what i mean yeah that's wild man

netflix leaning into this live thing they really are pete holmes okay autograph let's see yeah so pete holmes autograph it looks like 75 yeah you're comparable there's one for 40 one for 30 but yeah then there's some that are like let's see what like ali wong is going for oh yeah i bet she's 200 this shows you how much more famous she is oh she doesn't even autograph stuff this girl ain't fucking around no wow okay you can get her uh the she signed a beef thing for 42.95 you can get another one for 40 okay well she's but that's that's crazy because she doesn't i have so much stuff online why do people oh god this doesn't make sense to me okay let's see um chelsea handler And I'm not comparing myself to her.

I just want to say she's obviously leagues and leagues above me. Chelsea Handler autograph. Okay. Hers are going for 150 as they should. So she's, yeah, she's that much more famous. I kind of looked, I was thinking about fame the other day and how like how much more famous people are. It really is about, for me at least, I'm sure there's other platforms, but like Instagram followers really dictate how famous people are it really is about for me at least i'm sure there's other

platforms but like instagram followers really dictate how famous you are and so taylor swift has like i think how many how many millions of followers does she have because i was like how much more famous is taylor swift than me i mean it's she's the most famous person in the world but like let's just think about the scale she's on the top of the scale she has 283 million followers i have a million so she is 283 times more famous than i am which seems right like if there are if there are 300 people in a room and there's one person who believes in you and then the lady gaga thing there's 300 if there's um if there's 300 people in a room, 298 will know who she is. One will know who I am. But I think all 300 would know who Taylor Swift is now if you're doing like an average American.

It'd be pretty stupid not to know who she is at this point. Like, what are you even doing? Like, what's going on in your life that you don't know who Taylor Swift is? It's like when people say, I don't know who I'm voting for in the next presidential election. It's like, what are you doing? Where is your time going? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm trying to think of something recently where my friend didn't know it. And I go, what the fuck? How do you not know that? Someone had never heard. Oh, I had never heard of there. I guess there's this like famous TikTok couple where they like, I definitely I'm aware of them. This is the thing about me.

I'm aware of things, but I don't like know the details but like there's a tiktok couple where they get it's like Marcy and Diz or something and they they get dressed and then he just compliments his wife and is like look at how lovely she looks and they're so famous even today on girls chat Sarah Lena was like girls I love like watching um video of, I want to know how everyone gets ready. How do you guys get ready? Like, what do you do in the morning when you get up and you get ready? And like, how do you do your makeup and brush your teeth? Like what order do you go in? And, um, I was like, have you ever heard of get ready with me? Like you could be, she's like kind of, uh, she's, she's not feeling well recently. And so she has a lot of free time to just like lay around and like heal.

And, um, I was like, just, you can watch, get ready with me things there. Every, it was just crazy to me that she was like specifically asking for this thing.

That is the number one genre of content on online. I go, there's reels and there's Tik TOK where it's just, and so I started sending her things. I sent her video of these girls who do um their stay-at-home girlfriends and they just talk about like what their day entails i wake up and i make a matcha and then i stretch and then i go for a walk to get my iced coffee and journal and then i saw a bee and they like film a bee and then they're like

and then i go home and i fold the blankets and i do his laundry but it's really soft spoken it's really just what a lovely day and then their husband always their boyfriend always comes home from work after making billions of dollars and then they go to like a nice dinner yeah and then they go home that's every influencer i mean that's that's like the the vlogs on youtube And that's what it is now. It's just like people are watching beautiful people have a nice, lovely day. Yes. And that's all we want. I mean, is that really all we want?

Oh, God. I mean. Sometimes it involves, you know, Finspiration or whatever it's called, where they work out in the morning At least you get that I just want to know what Pete Holmes had to do today To get ready for this David Chang thing I might bring this up live on the show

I want to know how much Of your life it took to prepare for this thing Because you want to know how much of my life it took I had to get my nails done And no I didn't have to but I'm on a cooking show Where there's close ups of your hands And every girl listening to me right now Knows you damn well would get your nails done If you i didn't have to but i'm on a cooking show where there's close-ups of your hands and every girl listening to me right now knows you damn well would get your nails done if you had to do that i i'm not someone who needs to get my nails done all the time i don't feel like it's

like even though there are a lot of girls who are not on tv who actually do feel like that is a thing that you need to do so i did get my nails done this morning that's why i had to push the podcast because i have literally no time i was there when the store opened this morning and they were really annoyed and they turned off their like korean soap opera and we're like oh okay so they did my i had to get the nails done that was um 65 after tip that's just for a manicure uh dipping if you want to know what i do now i dip um and then your mouth yeah it's i mean it probably is because i rip them off with my mouth and then i eat the plastic it's so gross when your nails start chipping off like when you do dip because it's

just a big plastic chip and you just have it you like hold it in your hand and then you have to just like sprinkle it through the world um like shawshank really uh through my pant leg and then um and then i also had to get a spray tan last night which let's just talk about that i couldn't work out um last night because i had the spray tan on so it took away two hours of things that i would want to do um i had to get naked in front of someone i'd invite someone over to my house and then i had to pay them 180 after tip um for a spray tan um and i know that i don't need to have one but i kind of do to look to look and feel as good as i want to feel on tv and then i'm also having them come over to do hair and

makeup which thank god um i think they're paying for the show's paying for but that's also another two hours and 15 minutes out of my day and then thank god i didn't have to do a fitting for this because i am just gonna wear something that i already own because i'm not gonna be full body i'm gonna be sitting most of the time and it's live and it doesn't feel as like, not that it's not important, but it just, I can. But, and then what else? I mean, I'm wondering what Pete Holmes is going to do to get ready for it. And not that I'm like, he should have to do all this.

I'm just like, a little bit annoyed. Probably shower. I got it. Sometimes you don't have to, but maybe he'll shower. Yeah. Maybe he got a haircut that's that's real maybe he did get a haircut yeah there's it's again i'm not complaining about why don't men men have it so easy i mean i guess that's what i'm complaining about and i don't know what i want from this thing and i say this a lot but it's just the way it is I'm not like mad about it I'm not like you guys should have to do this or like women shouldn't have to do it it's just the way it is and there's certain perks of being a hot

woman that men don't get and there's certain perks of being a man that doesn't have to worry about the stuff that they get imagine a hot man they get everything yeah but they have they have they have to work out a lot and they also have to prove just like a hot woman hot men have to prove that they're not dumb yes yes that's a good point if you ever see a man that's really hot if i ever see a man that's really hot i automatically assume he's he's an idiot and then it takes like a five minute conversation before how great is that that people discount you and then you you're even if you're a little smart people are shocked yeah no but i remember my dance partner glab shevchenko who's one of the hottest people you'll ever see in your life it's kind of annoying how much people

comment on his looks every time he goes anywhere or does anything like it's just it would it would start to feel and it's annoying because i have have hot friend, Sarah Lena, who I just talked about, and she's just remarkably hot, just distractingly beautiful. She's a model and everything. When she's around people, they can't help but comment on it as soon as she leaves. It's just in the air. I've talked about this before, but there's this thing that she'll do around women because she's been so bullied by girls,

even her whole life, because she's so pretty that girls will hate her girls that are threatened by her. Um, she has to throw herself under the bus constantly when she gets around girls that she even senses the slightest bit of discomfort from them of her being too pretty. And she's not someone who thinks she's that pretty.

She actually doesn't at all because most people who are the most gorgeous have the worst self-esteem with their looks. But she just knows that girls can be mean. And so she will always say she farted or smell her armpits and be like, I stink. She has to present something almost immediately when she gets around. Because I've seen it happen. Because I know the girls, it'll be like we're at the cellar. And then an insecure girl comedian will come up to hang out with us or a girlfriend of a comedian and and i sense it too like we can all censor each other's insecurity where a girl's just like a

little bit closed off because this really pretty girl is sitting there and saralina will inevitably say she stinks pretty soon after that my pussy stinks and i'm farting no absolutely she will say stuff like that. And, um, it makes, yes. And it really, she's like,

cause I called her on it or maybe she talked about it eventually. Cause she's very self-aware, but she was like, I just, you know, she's not doing it. Cause she's like, I'm so pretty. She's just like,

you know, it just makes things go easier. And it fucking does. I've seen it instantly make a girl just soften to her where Sarah Lena, like one time she was going through like a thing where she had like a bald patch in her hair. And one time she like flipped it over and like showed the whole table she was like well this is what i'm dealing with and suddenly everyone like relaxed like oh good you're flawed um that's just another privilege of a hot person though an ugly guy

couldn't get away with that another guy can't be like i'm farting all day to make people like no and make it worse yeah but a hot person farting that day to make people like it more. No, make it worse. Yeah. But a hot person farting, that's great. But yeah, I mean, it would suck to have people just assume, like to feel bad about themselves because they're around you. Yeah. And get threatened and act weird. I mean, that's, yeah, that's poor, poor hot people.

That's all I have to say. Okay, we have more show to do. We'll do it more after the break. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from john and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts um yesterday i did record a episode of the podcast that's going to be on the feed i mean it's not really related it's me it's still me i guess what's it called i just said in the a special nikki glazer podcast edition like a swifty special i think i called it or something yeah something like that i don't know like it was just a um it was really fun i did it with my friend nor hadidi who's a comedian in canada and she's

like my most she's the only person in my life who literally the only person i know personally who gets into taylor swift and loves her as much as i do and like we can really gush in a way that is um next level so we had a really good time doing that and we recorded for like two hours we had some technical issues but it was a full two- hour thing that cut down to probably an hour and a half and um we're not even done we're not even close to being done so there will be multiple episodes of that so that's exciting and this is focusing solely on the new album yes i mean we at the top we talked about like you know we just kind of introed our backgrounds and how we feel about her and being fans and you know, what's it like.

And, um, but it's, it was really, really fun. And there were so many, it was just fun to analyze her lyrics. Cause we were going through like song by song and we just started

discovering things that we hadn't noticed yet. And it was just, it was just fun. I'm in a really sweet spot with this album. I'm like, it's just like, I, all I want to do is be alone with it.

I don't really want to talk to people. I'm like headphones in just like i all i want to do is be alone with it i don't really want to talk to people i'm like headphones in constant like i'm i'm gooning out to this out like i'm it feels sexual did i say this yesterday on the podcast i like honestly the other night i did i tell about how i feel like i have a crush no no okay so the other night we were leaving a show and like you know when you like are flirting with someone on text like it's just started where you're like you like someone and you like feel like oh my god i have to go to work and stuff you you do your life but then you can't wait to get back to your phone and go home so you can just like be on your phone and like text them and be

like oh like i don't know flirty and i think it's maybe more of a girl thing but i think we've all experienced this yeah you, you recall. And so do I, but I don't have that in my life anymore because I'm in a relationship. So it's not like, you know, Chris and I don't like text each other constantly and I don't look at the bubbles waiting for them to pop up. Like, what's he going to say? Like that feeling of anticipation.

So it's been a while since I've like felt that because that's what a relationship is. Like that shit goes away. Limerence, as I've talked about before. But and i think i talked about this this is where i talked about it was on the podcast so i'm sorry if you uh are gonna hear this again you can zip past it when you hear it on the taylor episode but um the other night i was like so excited to leave the show because i was like i get to go text this but like i had that texting a boy feeling of like i have a new crush and i was like why am i feeling and then i of like, I have a new crush. And I was like, why am I feeling?

And then I was like assessing my life. I'm like, I don't have any, what's going on. And I was like, Oh my God, it's this album. Like,

I feel like I have a crush on this album and that I get to like intimately, like get to know it and have it get to know me. And I'm developing a relationship and it's just, it's crazy that that feeling I've never had that feeling, um, in any other context, but it is giving me that. And it's just, it's crazy that that feeling I've never had that feeling, um, in any other context, but it is giving me that.

And then last night I saw, I saw Trevor Wallace at a show and he was like, uh, so, uh, this is a big week, right? With the album.

How's it going for you? And I thought he was talking about like my special. Uh huh. Cause I mean, why would a comedian ask me about taylor swift i just i don't never talked to him because he's got his finger on the pulse yeah he has his finger on the pulse and he's away he watches my story he's like we're friends he's aware of my obsession but i didn't even think of that and i go oh like my special and he goes oh no i mean that's a big deal too

and i'm like no it's not like no no believe me i don't want to talk about that at all of course i was like i was like yeah it's huge and i got to uh talk about it a little i got talked about a lot i like usually just go do my set at the store and then i leave because i just need to get sleep but then i after i got off stage people were there were some girls in there that wanted to talk about the album and i stayed for like an hour an hour plus afterwards just talking about taylor swift and and stuff it was so fun it's it's anya sometimes sees me talking about it with people and she just you can just tell because it'll be backstage and it'll be like a comedian's you know who's on the show his girlfriend comes backstage and suddenly i have someone to really gush about it with and

you can just see that she's like i've never seen this side of her like it's just it just lights me up and yeah no other way it's really great it's a great part of my life it's the i think it's the best part of my life and i have a lot of good things going on but i i think being a swifty is the best thing in my life and someone compared it the other day to um like i don't have kids and i don't want kids and um oh it was Natasha Leggero and uh Moshe's podcast and we were talking about me not wanting kids and I'm like I kind of like have joy in my life from this thing that like I did not that's the same joy at all not even close I would never compare it to like whatever's going on in your a parent's brain when your kid hugs you or like

rests its head on your shoulder whatever kids do once every nine months that makes it worth it but um because let's be honest most of it sucks you're just tired and annoyed yes and then there's some times where they do something very very cute and those times are always highlighted on instagram yeah for women like me who go oh you're missing out because this little girl goes i'm a star baby just a baby and she goes what do you want a star baby and she takes her sucky out and she goes and she goes a strawberry and she goes yes yes and it's the cutest thing you've ever seen in like literally that clip

i sent it to the girl chat it's like it made us all like ache for a child, but that is not the reality. That is a very small time. It's like, yes, yes. And like scream. Like it's not that at all. And it's throwing the strawberry and then smearing it on the white couch that you bought before you thought you were going to have kids. It's getting,

and then you just don't even care because your couch looks like shit anyway, because kids are just disgusting. And this isn't turning into a kid. Your friend calls you and they go, do you want to go to the Rangers game? No, your friends don't call you kidding me. No,

your friends don't call you. That's not the thing that happens with women with kids. You know, you know who you are. Yeah. You don't get asked to do things anymore Because you never can go You can never get a babysitter

What happened to babysitters? What happened to babysitters? I babysat all the fucking time in high school And middle school even And as a 20 something All the time I was nannying Every Friday and Saturday night No people don't I have so many friends with kids People don't trust a 20 something all the time. I was nannying all the time. Every Friday and Saturday night. I could that.

No, people don't. I have so many friends with kids. People don't trust. It's this fear again that we were talking about the boomer fear, but it's not boomers anymore. It's like people don't trust other people with their kids anymore ever. And I listen,

I'm a big proponent of like, don't trust men with your kids, but a female babysitter, come on, go have a night out. You, you deserve it. But people convince themselves, including people in my family.itter, come on, go have a night out. You deserve it but people convince themselves

including people in my family. I mean, my sister has three kids and they have never once had a sitter. Never. What about the grandparents? They have my parents

and his parents but that's all they have and they had me one night in seven years of having kids. I mean, if you have the grandparents then that's like a really

quality sitter. Why would you ever go for it? You don't pay the grandparents. And the grandparents end up resenting it. I'm sorry. It's just true. The grandparents will always say yes because they love the grandkids so much, just as much as you love your kids. But you gotta

pay the grandparents. I would never ever have kids and not pay my parents to watch them if they watch them. But that, that's just me. I just can't imagine being like, here's a gift for you to take care of these three kids that you don't even have the bodily function to provide for them anymore.

Cause you're all 65, 70 years old. So here's a bunch of toddlers that you could never bear yourself because your body is incapable of raising them. Thus you shouldn't be watching kit like i just don't understand i know i'm gonna get backlash from parents of like it's hard to find a babysitter it couldn't be easier there are so many apps i like her.com i i wrote um because i was just wanting my sister to find a babysitter that i was like i'll pay for it right

like you you need to stop asking mom and dad not that they don't enjoy it and they'll always say yes but like it's they like their free time too right and you just need to have a back up and i um asked my assistant to go find babysitters in st louis that aren't men and um there were tons and we sent them all to my sister to choose one and I was going to pay for it and she still wouldn't choose it. So it's like, it's not because of the cost. It's not because there's not places to find them. And I do know from people that have come to my shows

and said we couldn't get a babysitter, like it is hard to find a good babysitter. Yeah, you're afraid they're going to like hit your kid with a pencil or something like they saw on Deadline in 2008. But there's so many apps and reviews and stuff now like you used to just have to trust whatever person was living next to you and their daughter who was probably a drug addict and was gonna have her boyfriend over

while your kid slept hopefully your kid was sleeping you know what i mean like that's that's was the reality you know what you can do you hire two babysitters. So they watch each other. No, people don't have enough money for that. But that's a good point. I used to always babysit with my friends. That was the most fun because then you had someone to interact with with the kid. It was more fun. And then we'd split the money.

But yeah, people just don't have the money for babysitters. But I would argue then don't have kids. But then people want kids. And they go, well, I'm not going to not have kids because I can't't afford a babysitter but this is the world we live in where things are so expensive like you gotta cut you can't do everything you want to do but i just don't i i guess besties if you could write me less than five sentences about why there's a uh what's a dirge what's the what's opposite of a like too many a deficit but there's another word of babysitters and why you guys don't get babysitters. What does dirge mean?

I think it's like a sad song. There's a dirge of babysitters out there. A lament for the dead. Okay, so yeah, a mournful song. Okay, I got it right on the second. Wow, great job. But there's a dirge of babysitters. There's a barge of babysitters there's a

barge i just don't get it yeah um but i don't know i have a lot of they're all out there too and it's sad it's a real problem in america there's all these babysitters lining up outside home depot and they're begging to babysit and no one's hiring them people and do your part no it no people just don't this is the thing this is what i really think it is and this is someone who has really no i'm not i'm not in the what's it called god why can't i think today i'm not in the battlefield i'm not on the ground experiencing this myself so these are all speculations we have no idea what we're talking about here's the thing i think people don't get babysitters because they don't want

to do anything oh shit they don't want to go out they have kids because they're they don't want to go out and and when you have kids ever heard for having kids it's i mean that's why people get they have dogs and stuff they go i gotta take my dog out i mean mike mcclintock on veep invented a dog so he'd have a reason to go home. It was like a fake dog. But people do. I think people, I don't think they initially do it. Like they have kids because so I don't have to go out. But once you have kids, you're so exhausted.

Your body, if you've already had a baby, you don't feel good in your body because it's your child's, especially if you're breastfeeding and you've just gone through labor and been cut open. You don't feel good about putting on like real clothes and like going out and you want an excuse not to yeah and so now you have one built in and so it's just excuse it feeds it it starts the the urge to stay inside and not go out because you don't feel as good about yourself you don't feel connected to the world you've been watching just like bluey all day you don't even have anything to talk about with people you don't and you don't really relate to your friends that don't have kids anymore so you just say we can't get a babysitter they're too hard to find and you and i and i boy do i relate to that my kid i can bring my kid and you go no yeah please don't i do think i will give parents credit that they know no one likes their kid as much as they do oh well i think most people i deal with don't really yeah and i've seen them in like just in

like the airport like there was a kid walking across all of the seats and like but you know how like the seats are back facing each other so you have one on either side of the aisle yeah there was a i was sitting down and on the other side there was a yeah at the gate there was a kid just like running up and down the seats and he like smacked me in the head twice and i had to turn around and like look at the parent like can you like tell your kid not to like smack strangers in the back of their head i'm dying for an interaction like this i'm that's all i want to do is confront a parent about like and i know and i know it's exhausting and i know i'd probably do the same thing but you signed up for it so you have have to like, I can complain all day about getting my nails done and getting tans, but I signed up for this.

So I, I can complain, but I really, I don't need to make other people suffer because of it. Even though you had to listen to my story about it. Did I see what the curb, the last season of curb, the last episode of curb.

Oh my God. What happens on it? I mean, Larry David moment in the, in the series finale, it's the final episode ever where Larry, where Larry David's in a hotel and he walks in

and then some lady's kid comes up to Larry and does something rude. I forgot exactly what it was. And Larry just says, hey. And then he starts to walk away. But the parent says, that wasn't nice. I want you to apologize to this man. Apologize to this man.

No, thank you. And then Larry's like, that's okay man. Apologize to this man. No, thank you. And then Larry's like, that's okay. He doesn't need to do anything. No, no, no. He needs to learn this lesson. It's important. And so now she's keeping him hostage. And he goes to the kid.

He leans down and he says, listen, I got to tell you something. I'm 82 years old and never once in my life have I ever learned a lesson and the mom's like how dare you say that to me and he walks away i just love that we've talked about it on the show before where it's like it's not our job to teach your children life lessons no i don't want to be a part of it no it reminds me of the joke from i think it it's Adam Sandler, where there's like some baby that's, and the mom's like, say hi. And the baby's just like, and he's like, say hi to Adam. Say hi. And Adam just has to like wait for this baby to say the thing that the mom's like,

he can say it, I swear. And Adam's like, I really don't care. And then the baby's like, I hate my life. Save me. Like the baby ends up like I hate my life. Save me. Like the baby ends up like begging to get away from this woman. It's so funny. That's hilarious. But I keep, my feed is so many baby things and like child development stuff that I just forward on to Noah and my other friends who are having babies.

And now I got him. It has to stop. I don't want any more baby stuff. I'm so sick of it but I can't help but like send the stuff that does come up that so I have to like figure out how to fix the algorithm another account a baby account where you can forward things to your friends yeah maybe it's some of it's very fascinating like to get a baby to talk and to say what you want it to say you need to instead of being like um the wheels on on, like, I guess, like, say, say Nikki.

Say Nikki. Like, they're always trying to get the babies to say Nikki because they, you know, everyone in my family knows that. We're all narcissists. When a baby says our name or, like, likes us, we're like, now we like the baby. So they're trying to get him to be, he's like, kiki or whatever he says. But sometimes they just are obstinate and they're like, I'm not going to say that. And so most kids are just like, they feel put on the spot when you're like say it and then everyone waits you're supposed to go like um we can't wait to see nicky we can't wait to see nicky we can't

wait to see and then they'll go nicky they fill it in when it's not like do it they you create a song or like a little chant and if you want your kid to say stuff so try that out with your babies if you have them i'm sure you're not listening anymore if you do have them because you're like i don't need to hear this shit from her but um no i love tricking kids so i really like that that little scheme yeah i like the little device and you're supposed to i sent this to noah too when your kid is like struggling to like button their shirt or something or zip their jacket or tie their shoe don't do it for them you're like supposed to like teach them so that they teach they learn patience to do something hard and work through it

sure you're not supposed to monitor them and go like now do this you just like let them fucking fail but who has the patience for that you gotta go you gotta get to the ice skating lesson or wherever the fuck you're headed to you know like no one has the patience for that you gotta go you gotta get to the ice skating lesson or wherever the fuck you're headed to you know like no one has the patience for that slide not again yeah i just it's there was a controversy did you see this arge barker controversy no i love arge barker what happened arge barker the king of australia the king yeah the king comedian of australia he was in he's an American who just really took off in Australia as a comedian. And I think he moved there. Yeah. Yeah. So he was doing a show in Australia and there was a controversy because there was a woman in around the front row who had a baby with her at the show, even though it's 15 years and

older. But for some reason they let this woman take her baby and she had the baby with her and the baby started talking during the set and at first he was like did some like funny retort to the baby talking and then um to get the baby to stop talking she started breastfeeding the baby which did get him to stop talking for a little while. And then like 10 minutes into the set, he's talking again. So then Arj Barker says, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave. He was thinking about, you know, he said that 10 minutes late after I would have. Yeah. He's like, you can't have a talking baby in here the whole time.

I mean, it's going to ruin the show for everybody else. And he asked them to leave. And this created a huge controversy in Australia. There was articles written about it. What? Why? Why would anyone think it's appropriate to bring a baby to a comedy show? Why? Who is defending this

woman? They tied it to the breastfeeding specifically. They got really fixated on the breastfeeding. No, we liked that. The baby shut the fuck up. Yeah. And Arj even said just fyi i support breastfeeding in public i think it's a necessity that's not why i asked them to leave but everyone was like you're anti-breastfeeding arj you're a misogynist and then he's like no i didn't mind the breastfeeding it was the interrupting of the set from the baby talking

in a show that is 15 and older so i'm assuming you're on the side of Arj. Of course I am. This is insane to bring your, like, I think it's insane to bring your baby to a restaurant. I think it's, I'm going to go out and say, I think baby's on planes.

Your baby doesn't need to travel. I really, and I'm not being funny. I'm not trying to be funny. No one needs to see your baby across the country if they need to see it that desperately they should fly to you and i understand what if they're in a wheelchair and that they're about to die they're in hospice care they don't need to see they've seen babies your baby is no like and i know you want that picture in that moment where

they meet the grandfather that they'll never know what if there's a grand a grandmother on her deathbed in california and she says, my dying wish I want to see this baby. Not important enough. FaceTime. I'm sorry. Life is, you don't get to do everything you want in life. This didn't plan out for you the way it was supposed to.

Your baby, I think the same with dogs on planes. I had to move my dogs to New York and so we had to do that cross country flight. That's inhumane. It's not right. You shouldn't, it wasn't a problem like i wasn't distracting with the dogs but it just wasn't fair to the dogs and i'll never do that again like i i made that mistake and if i had a baby i would never i don't think i could ever fly i don't want to say ever but i would avoid it so much unless it was trained to if unless it was mute or something i just couldn't handle

okay what if the baby never but i just don't think that babies need to travel what if the baby really wants to go to france that's the thing your baby's not gonna remember and i know that does like nabar gotsy has a joke of like just because a kid's not gonna remember you just like shove them in a closet and just go knock on the closet when you start remembering things like you do have to give your child experiences but um what if the baby when i see babies i'm just like this i saw a baby i said my sister and i saw a newborn baby at a cardinals game and it was so loud and so like you know being at a cardinals game i mean everyone's yelling anyway the baby is

almost like a it's too much it was a It was a fresh out of the slammer it Was this baby was like right Like newborn and my sister and I were like So disgusted it should have headphones on it should Have like ear things for it's like fragile ears I think um but No I want to say I want to pull this back a Little bit I do think that

You know Sometimes you do just have to Travel and you got to bring the baby because let's say your mom is dying you want to go see your mom you can't find a sitter again i would i would argue that you need to be in a situation where you can afford a sitter if you want to have kids but that's also not fair because everyone should be able to have kids but i actually don't believe that i think that it's cost prohibitive to some people and that sucks because but you know what so is owning a yacht like that's but that's you know some people can't

will never get to own a yacht but they aren't like i have a right to own a yacht you just don't get to own one because you can't afford one can't afford it it's is that is that crazy is that like eugenics or something what am i am i getting into some shady territory of like this whole episode we've been somehow racist i don't know what we're i think everything we've said has been somehow problematic it's absolutely i'll admit i have no idea what i'm talking about i don't know what we're, I think everything we've said has been somehow problematic. It's absolutely. I'll admit. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I don't know anything about economics. I put this at the beginning of that. I just know that I don't do things I can't afford. Like I just don't, I, I, I never have. I, I,

and maybe that's me seeking from privilege because I also have the Brian Frangie support of my parents that I could always fall back on. And so maybe that's, but I don't understand doing something and then going like, it's, oh my God, kids are so expensive. And we're just scraping by. You don't get to have kids then. And I'm sorry. It's like life isn't fair. Like it just isn't and and but i do i do think that that's sad that

people can't just have kids with a middle there's no middle class and there's no like you can't just work at subway and have a family or and have your husband be a mechanic you just can't do i mean you can have kids but um you're gonna have to pretend you don't have a phone. Yeah. I mean, when you go in for stamps, but yeah, I guess everything we're saying is slightly, I want to get ahead of it and say, we know. Yeah.

I'm just trying to work through it, but I agree with you. I don't think children should be allowed in public. I think maybe once they turn eight, no, I think it's outrageous. We were kids once. Like,

do you remember being a kid and hearing about people hating kids? And I was always like, why do you hate kids? Like you were a kid once, like, shut up. I can't help that. I'm a kid and hearing about people hating kids and i was always like why do you hate kids like you were a kid once like shut up i can't help that i'm a kid so i don't hate kids no there's no i just don't i think i just um resent the naivete of parents getting into it and then being like it's so hard oh and it's like there should just be separate everyone's said this before there should be separate amenities for children everywhere like i hate going to a hotel and the pool you want to sit by the pool or something and then there's kids everywhere i don't mind that i hate uh going to i hate going to the daycare there's a bunch of kids there using the slide

and it's like what about us people need to see babies like when you get if your grandma is on her deathbed and and and literally like about to die get a baby when you get into town find someone who has a baby borrow it bring it to grandma she'll never know the difference and your baby won't know the difference either just tell your baby that they met grandma yeah they don't know but i see babies on planes and i'm just like why does this baby have to travel there were two kids in first class with me yesterday. Two young kids. No children should be allowed in first class. That was nuts.

That's an affront. You take some military veteran or some poor woman in the back and you put them in that seat. You should be ashamed of yourself if you're a parent buying your kid a first class seat. You should truly be ashamed of yourself. I'm talking about a kid that doesn't need to be with you. If your kid is just watching an iPad the the whole flight put them in coach no i mean i it's a it's when they're 15 and they're in first class i want to throw them off the plane it's there were two yesterday that were under 15 they were between i would say 8 and 15 that's and they were right in

front of me and their mom was next to me and i was like oh my god um but i will say with all this being said um there are amazing things about having kids that i will miss out on as someone who's not going to have them probably and i i acknowledge that and we're just bitter that we don't have the joy and love in our hearts that you do i i mean possibly possibly. I'm thinking about getting a dog. I really, I think I'm craving loving something and something depending on me, even though I can't really even do that for myself. But I hear that if you don't like yourself enough, if you get something to love,

it will transfer. I'm just kidding if it doesn't work. But I've been wanting a dog recently and I saw one last night speaking of people who are like you're gonna love mine and you're like no i don't need this like josh adam myers i did his show at the store and i got there and he's like i brought my dog you know josh sounds like this he's like i brought my dog for you i know you love dogs and i was like josh oh i was like oh okay i'm trying to be more authentic.

So I didn't say like, yes. You know, I was just like, oh, right. Like, that's not lying. But I was surprised that he did that. And he goes, he's big. He's a big dog. He's a big boy. But he's really sweet.

You're going to love him. And I'm like, I haven't even seen the green room yet. I'm in the hallway. And I'm just like, oh, great. Like, I got here. I kind of want to hang out a little bit before my set and go over my notes and now i'm gonna have to deal with a fucking cute i'm over dogs being big and like their mouths being really wet and like them just going like and like messing up like getting it on my jeans just like a snotty nose

even though your dog is cute like and i'm sick of tails being really taught and like slapping and things like, I don't really like big dogs anymore. They didn't do anything wrong. I don't think they should be put down. I'm glad you have them. I'm glad you love them. I grew up with big dogs. My parents had a big dog.

Like we've had big dogs my whole life. I, they're just, I don't, if they're not mine, I don't really care for it. I think they stink. I think they're just,

and they're just, they're too big, you know? And I just, I don't like if they're not mine, I don't really care for it. I think they stink. I think they're just, and they're just, they're too big, you know? And I just, I don't like how they don't understand their strength and their paws. Like, and they always jump up and the person's always like, oh, don't jump up. And I'm like, don't act surprised this dog is jumping up right now. It always does. Like, save me that. So I get in the green room and I walk in and this is a Doberman, gigantic oh my gigantic doberman and he is so sweet he is like a statue of a dog that would be like you know gargoyle style just he's poised his mouth will not open which i love dogs who aren't just like like just like drooling like i

don't have to see his teeth that have like that that you know the brown on it and his tongue isn't hanging out there's no foam or anything i don't know why i've been hanging out with a lot of rabid dogs he just keeps his mouth shut he's stoic he is in control of himself he is and he doesn't bother me because he can tell that i'm just kind of like i'm not in the mood so he's like reading my body language i'm reading his and then i'm like a little bit interested because this dog is so calm. And I instantly am like, Josh, oh my God. I was like not looking forward to being around this dog, but I love this dog. He's so sweet.

Look at him. He's just like standing there and he's not like so obedient that he's not fun. He's just like chill. Right. And then he came over and just like kind of got close to me and I was like, come here. And I like petted him and he was so clean and his hair was like short and not dusty and musty and he put his hand he put his like head set his heavy head on my knee and then i i was allowed to kiss his face and i started kissing and it was a magical experience and i told josh i'm like i really prejudged this dog i thought this was gonna suck especially when

you told me he was gonna be big like i just didn't want to and he was like but you do all those shows in st louis for dogs right like i thought you loved dogs i was like i do love dogs but like not all like they're too rambunctious a lot of times but i really loved this dog and i was like i think i think i'm ready but it's i have to have a mouth uh yeah i was really well trained yeah uh he got him when he was sober like after he had been sober from uh i think he's open about it but whatever he was he was sober, like after he had been sober from, uh, I think he's open about it, but whatever he was, he was sober from,

you know, hard drugs. And, uh, and he got this dog to like celebrate it and to project to others. Like I'm in, like he's still like dresses like a rock and roll guy and kind of lives a rock and roll lifestyle.

But he wanted to like, I guess project to the world that he was in control of himself and like had things going on. So he wanted to really train this dog and have a dog that like reflected how he felt about his sobriety and about like his life so this dog is just so poised and in control and like calm and i just loved it but people you got to get your dogs under control you got like this whole thing of like he never does this yes he does he does. He always does. I don't know.

I don't know how to do it because some dogs are just too out of control. But when you see it done right, you're like, man, dogs can be so good. Your dog Jack is so good. Yeah, well, Jack's real chill these days. But maybe that's also true of kids. Yeah, absolutely. There's some kids that are just so well behaved that just like stay on their ipads and they don't look up and they don't talk to him but they just you know they're like polite oh my god yesterday at the airport i like walked past this kid who was kind

of in the way and i like i kind of clipped him i didn't mean to but we kind of bumped and he goes oh excuse me and i was like oh oh my god a fucking five-year-old just said, excuse me, I'm sorry. I think he said, I'm sorry. And I go, no, I'm sorry. That's so sweet. And everything was right with the world. But it is possible to have your kid do that. It is possible.

And I'm also going to say, we have to go to break. But I'm also going to say that if your kid isn't like that, you're not a bad parent. Sometimes you just get a kid that will not, you know, no matter how good the parenting is. And that's the risk of being a parent is that you think like, there's a part of me that thinks, Oh,

my kid would be awesome. My kid would be a little Taylor Swift. I would train a little girl to be polite and sweet, even into her, you know, all encompassing global fame that I would, you know, train her to be.

And, and she would love her life and be still nice to people but it doesn't parenting Taylor Swift a very small percentage of how your kid turns out there was some point where she went I want a strawberry I bet yes every kid does it I don't know you don't know I think she was she just like was like a lovely child that was just like grateful and and soft-spoken but no they all do they all are loud and and i was a terror um i would not wish me as a kid on parent i was such a brat we just got a bunch of videos digitized home videos and woof man it is rough to see like what i was like there is one clip that

is very telling and i'm um at a swim meet and I've just placed, I think second and my cousin is doing like a, a sideline report, like a funny thing of like, how do you think the race went? And I go, if I'm not number one, I don't want to talk about it.

Wow. I go, I'm not interested in being anything except number one, which I don't really relate to now because I, you know, there's Allie Wong. She's getting $150 for auto. There's people that are way more famous than me that I'm not like uh really upset that i'm not her but that was an early

indication that like uh perfectionism was coming out that would never cease sure but it was just so funny to see me like joking and being like i'm but i wasn't even joking i was just like we're not talking about number two like i have that's the thing about me i have no interest in talking about um if i don't think a show thing about me I have no interest in talking about if I don't think a show went well and someone's like no it was really good I'm like but compared to what I'm comparing it to it was bad I know that I'm good compared to these people that you're maybe thinking

about but I'm comparing myself to the to number one and it was bad compared to that because it just like you that's what I'm always gonna do and it's so unhealthy and no no no but compared to shit it was good yeah like if you compared it to a big pile of shit it just like you, that's what I'm always going to do. And it's so unhealthy. And I need to watch more. No, no, no. But compared to shit,

it was good. Yeah. That's what people always say. Like if you compared it to a big pile of shit, I'm saying. And that's why I was telling these girls yesterday where we were talking about our looks and struggling with aging.

And there was one woman in this, in this green room. She was so sweet, but she told me that she's never, ever liked a picture of herself in her whole life. She's never once seen a picture of herself where she's like, I like myself.

She was like, I don't look. She goes, how long does it take for you to look at a picture after you get a photo shoot and i say oh probably like a week to two months if like this past december i waited two months to look at pictures because i just was feeling worse about myself and she said i never look at it and she doesn't have to because she's not like you know promoting stuff as much i don't think but um she was like, I never, ever look at things. And that made me so sad. I was like, you should.

You're beautiful. And she was like, no, I'm not. And it was just, it was almost like me saying, you know, there's no such thing as climate change. And she's just like, well, that's not true. Like, she was like, no, there's no argument to be had here. At least I live a space for like, I know compared to other people, I'm pretty'm just feeling ugly now like i at least see she was like no there's no world and i was like fuck and she's like 42 and a mom and stuff and i was just like come on girl gives you perspective but then we were talking about how that's why i follow women on um a lot of people

on instagram that have like goiters on their faces or burn victims or women that are just disfigured um because it makes it gives me perspective if they're able to be happy and feel like a lot of confidence like can't I somehow figure it out but then Kendall Jenner shows up on the next slide and I feel bad again so we have to go to break I'll come back after this Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more

from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you struggle with self-esteem issues me no the other person i'm doing a podcast with self-esteem that isn't here yeah um self like in terms of looks yeah like do you struggle with that of like man look at that person i wish i could look like them or um that's not fair that

i have this i mean i know maybe your health issues you probably have a lot of i guess i don't have the look thing i used to have it way more than i do now i now that i'm a married man i guess i just like i've accepted that this is it for the rest and you know i'm happy that i'm a man because like as i get older i'll be still accepted the way i look and I don't really have to do much about it. But I don't really get low self-esteem. I get more angry at the injustice when if other people have things that I feel like I should have or whatever. I don't get down on myself about it. I get more angry and I go on on tirades so i don't know what

that is but it's certainly not it's like high self-esteem i don't know yeah i think i've noticed that in a lot of people that people focus on why did this person get this thing they suck yeah like it should have been me low self should have low self-esteem i won't say that i never feel that way about people that get things but it is very rare i always just assume even if they suck and i know they suck i just go well because the market wants things that suck because most people suck and they want things that represent what they are and so i kind of argue like that's just i i i don't know i feel like and i always feel like they'll be figured out as a fraud.

It won't last forever because they don't actually have talent. So it'll go away. Yeah. I think what I have is accurate esteem. I think when there's something I know that I'm good at, I feel very confident. And when there's something that I know I'm only okay at, like, for example, I don't feel comfortable yet playing piano in public. I don't think I'll be good at it. Is that low self-esteem or is that just I'm accurately assessing my talent level here?

I think that's accurate. And I feel the same way when people are like, I play guitar on Instagram Live, but I'm constantly telling people, get out of here if you think this is going to be good or if you think this is this is just a practice session for me this is what you're witnessing like i would if i really thought i was good i would go on my own i i have a million followers versus 26 000 i would do it on there but like i please know that i i don't think i'm good at this um but i think that sometimes i feel like oh i, sometimes I have like a burst of confidence and I'm like, yeah, you've got this. You are great. And then I'm so embarrassed when the other shoe drops where I kind of like get into that

space of like, oh my God, you were so good. You thought you were like great at something. And I feel embarrassed that I was like confident, even if it was real. And now the state I'm in is not real the one that's thinking i'm not talented um yeah i just feel like oh and so sometimes when i feel that confidence kind of surge happen i'm like it feels like i would think the regret a cokehead has after a night of like being like what's that like you know cokeheads are really confident you know yeah it feels like that.

Like, it feels like I'm like that kind of person when I get too confident. But you know what? People eat it up when you're confident. Well, that's the key to life. I mean, if you can, you can be talentless and if you can portray enough confidence, then you will succeed. That's just the way it is. People.

Yes. It's a lot of people in positions of power. A lot of gatekeepers I find are missing something confidence wise. And when they see other people with confidence, it makes them feel confident. So they want to support those people. When they see someone with low confidence, they hate those people

because they hate that about themselves. And so if you can exude confidence, you will get all these opportunities just because you're providing something outside of the skill that you're actually supposed to be providing to the person making the decision. Whoa, dude, that is so interesting that the gatekeepers are because usually people who are gatekeeping are not creatives and they want to be right. Yeah, like they feel there's a reason they're not on camera on state in our in our industry there's a reason why they're not on camera on stage the reason why they could change the way their life went they would and i would exclude some music producers some you know executives that really just enjoy the business of it there are some that

just have a passion for the business but i would say a lot of them would like if they could change everything they'd like they'd prefer to be performers and since they can't oh my god just the amount of comedy managers who then like at one point did stand up or decide to quit managing so that they can write like that happens all the time okay this is interesting so if you just pretend to be confident around those people they want what they can't they don't have they want what they don't see like they hate the things about themselves that they hate in other people as we all do you'll provide them with the confidence that they lack by being confident around them okay i gotta start they will admire that about you if you just come in and you're just like i am the best and I know exactly what I'm doing.

Yeah. I heard this cool, what was it the other day? It's like you think doing something will bring you not good results and it's the opposite. I was watching one of those Heidi Preeb videos and she was talking about perfectionism and how when you are a perfectionist, you go into situations

and you don't feel like you're gonna be perfect or you feel like you're gonna fail or you're not doing enough. You go into a insecure kind of like, uh, uh, defensive mode. And it's really like, and you, and you get validation from people that you're not perfect because when you get into defensive mode, like say I'm doing a show and I feel like I'm not good enough. So I'll go into that show. And the second I don't, because I'm feeling like I can't be perfect at this and I know I can't, and I'm like, I'm not in the state to ever deliver on this. I didn't work hard in my mind enough for on this moment. I am going to be

so insecure that people are going to sense that insecurity. They're not even going to, it's not even about what I'm doing. They're just going to sense that I'm like defensive and weird. And they are going to give me feedback. That's like, we don't like this. They're not giving feedback on the talent that you have or lack. They're giving you feedback about your overall vibe of being insecure. And so you interpret that feedback of them being like, I don't like this as them not liking your talent. Oh, I'm not talented. I'm not good enough. And so then you, it's reinforced to you that, oh, I'm not perfect. But what they're really reacting to is the fact that you don't accept yourself. And that's what I was talking about. This guy had a thing about accepting yourself and that people think that if you accept, and this is not people, this is me too. If you

accept yourself, you're throwing in the towel. You're not trying anymore. You're not striving to achieve. You're just like, oh, I'm good enough. But the truth is that when you are constantly in a state of like, I need to be better, you are constantly agitated and you're constantly in stress mode you're constantly tense and the only way the only way to become better and actually improve is to be in a relaxed relaxed state so it's actually the opposite of what like people think that if you just accept yourself that is like defeat admitting defeat but the only way to not admit defeat is to accept yourself it's the only way to actually Improve because if you are constantly

Not in acceptance of yourself You're always going to be in a state Of tension and therefore you will Never improve and I thought that was really interesting because I do tend to think that when people say accept yourself It really it really bugs Me because my mom Final thought my mom used to say

That um when I would complain about how Ugly I was when I was a kid my mom final thought my mom used to say that um when i would complain about how ugly i was when i was a kid my mom would say oh just be happy with what you have she'd say i'm sick of this shit all you talk about is how ugly you are and i'd go why did you and dad have sex and make me you knew you were both have ugly people in your family like you knew the risk i used to say i was like 13 14 you knew the risk you got lucky with lauren but you knew the risk i used to say i was like 13 14 you knew the risk you got lucky with lauren but you knew the risk because of like there's ugly genetics in your family and you're both attractive but you took a risk and i came out and you why did you do this to me and my mom go you are so weird this is just i don't want to hear this shit anymore nikki you be happy with

what god gave you and i used to fucking hate that so much because it was her admitting that I wasn't as pretty as I wanted to be. It wasn't her saying, no, you're beautiful. Even though I would not have been able to stand that at all because I didn't feel beautiful. So no amount of telling me, but her saying, just accept what God gave you. First of all was bullshit because my parents are atheists. So I was like, what are you, what are you even talking about? And secondly,

it just felt like, yeah, we know you're ugly, but just, it's good. And just throw in the towel. But I really like reframing it and thinking of it. If you throw in the towel,

if you actually accept yourself, you actually will improve. You will become, you could become more perfect. Throw the towel over your face so that nobody can see. Yeah. I just actually, speaking of breastfeeding,

there was this meme of this woman that was like, she got told to cover up in public breastfeeding. And so she just has her tit out with her kid, but she has a towel over her face. I really liked that. Okay. We have to go. We're going to do an intrusive thoughts episode.

You can pick that up. If you are a big money players, diamond member, that means you pay a big money players diamond member. That means you pay a little extra per month and you get an extra 20 minutes per month of content from me and Brian. That is like us talking about things that we don't like that. We need to put a paywall behind and no check out that episode and no ads. Yeah, that's true. And you get no ads with the show itself.

Yeah, no ads across the board. So it is the optimal way to listen to the Nikki Glaser podcast. I hope you check that out it's for free but maybe someday they'll be check out that swift episode it's coming up I think it'll be out soon if it's not already out and check out me on David Chang on Netflix and uh we'll see you next time on the Nikki Glaser podcast don't be scared bye John Stewart is back in the host chair at the Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines,

exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.