The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #438 MVP, Don't Own an Island, Music Video Era, Someday You'll Die, How Do You Want to be Buried?

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

Nikki and Brian are joined by Chris and former co-host/Bestie Andrew Collin. They discuss various topics: billionaires owning islands, Nikki's music video coming out, and of course, her new special on HBO Someday You'll Die. They each share how they want to be buried and how they want their ashes spread. Some answers may surprise you! Final thought, Kim Kardashian slid a congratulations DM to Nikki this week. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm in Los Angeles still. I am joined by three of my favorite people of all time. Brian Frangie is here. Hey, Brian. Hello. We should clap for everybody just like they do on the Pat McAfee show. Oh, yeah. I just did the Pat McAfee show. Which is what Nikki was just on. That's why I'm

wearing all this Colts gear. That's so cool. In honor of you being on the Pat McAfee show today. It was so fun. We'll talk about it because it came out of nowhere and it only came out because I reached out to you guys. And then Chris Convey is here. Welcome back. Yeah.

Chris Convey, everyone. It really does. That's a good, fun vibe. And then Chris gets applause. It doesn't feel good. Yeah, it does feel good. And then Andrew Collin, everyone. Back to the show.

Andrew Collin. Welcome back. Good to be back. Thanks for having me. Yeah, so I reached out to you guys because I was like, I forget who said it to me, but, oh, I was at a podcast yesterday. We're here to help. Maybe it was them.

I forget who. I apologize to whoever told me, like, you need to, like, go hard in the sports world. Do all the sports shows. I think was uh uh joe jack johnson not jack johnson what's his name over there jake johnson jake johnson so sorry jake i love you so much i've never loved anyone more than jake johnson i've been talking about him all like i can't get over how great he is but he was like you need to spin this into something bigger like you you got to capitalize on this get the word out on all the sports shows so i texted all of you being like what are the shows i should do and pat mcafee show was the

one number one you guys each all of you said yeah number one i knew those guys would love you yeah i mean they're great it was so much fun and i just did it and um they had me on you always know it's a good segment when they have you planned for they go it'll be a 15 minute segment and then you're looking and it's like oh it's been 35 for over 30 minutes yeah yeah it was awesome i was sitting outside this building just like uh just watching it on youtube nice yeah yeah it was really fun and um and then you buzzed in yeah and that's the end of the story that's the end of the that's i have nothing more to say then you got in in the building? Did you climb the stairs? I walked up the stairs.

Yep, two flights. Okay, nice. You killed it, man. Yeah. You killed it on that, but not on this podcast. Well, you guys all helped me. I mean, I was, Brian texted me a slew of things that I should talk about because you were a fan of the show and knew it very well. I mean, I love Pat McAfee.

I love Pat McAfee. I love the Colts. I love Pat McAfee. I'm so proud that Pat McAfee is like the number one sports analyst in the world. He's great. And he was a Colt. Oh, he's so – I mean, I just had that conversation with him, and he was so fun and easy to talk to.

You were amazing on it. It was perfect. You set the perfect tone. You told a bunch of jokes. They were laughing. And it's perfect for that show. Like they have a bunch of, you know, hockey analysts and then general manager. You followed a general manager who also is a fan of yours, by the way.

Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Todd Bowles. And the general manager of the same team. Oh, really? Of the Bucs? Wow.

I got to go down there. Big in Florida. You got to go to Tampa. Maybe that's my team, too. I got to pick a team. So then Andrew this morning was texting me a ton of jokes. We were like maybe going to roast Pat a little bit. Yeah.

You had some funny ones. I don't even want to say them because I feel like I love Pat so much right now and he did not ask for it. So we'll leave those out of there. But we had some really good jokes. He did not seem like he wanted to be roasted. No.

And you know what? Like some people, I'm the same way. Don't fucking ever. Anya still talks about a day on tour, like years ago, where she was roasting you I guess Andrew and she goes and Andrew's like

I'll come back at you and she was like come back at me let's see what you got and Andrew said something that like she can't I'm not even gonna say what it was because she can't stop seeing it and it's like literally affected her self esteem for the rest of her life yes well I wrote it months before I have a lot of

every time Andrew sees somebody he's well, if I have to roast somebody. It's because I was like the small little Jewish kid on the bus that was always picked on. So I had to. It was so easy to just be like Jew, you know? And then I couldn't. I didn't have anything. I had to like be creative. Right, right.

You can make fun of you for being Jewish. But then for all the Protestants and stuff, you have to come up with something about their personality. Exactly. Do Brian. I can't. My favorite joke about being bullied as a Jewish person was Amy Schumer saying that they used to throw pennies at her and call her Jew and throw pennies. And then she'd go like, what?

And she'd pick it up and be like, ah! Like Scrooge McDuck. Like, yes! That is such a funny bit. But, yeah, it's horrible to be roasted. I don't think anyone – I would never – I don't want it outside of that kind of arena, literally. I don't – I would never want it. I don't want to know anything about myself that anyone thinks is negative.

When anyone starts a sentence like, can I be honest with you? Or like, hey, I've been thinking, can you sit down? Like, can we talk? I don't want, because that to me is like, there's some criticism coming your way, and I literally can't handle it. Yeah. I don't mind looks.

Like, make fun of my looks. Really? Because why? Because you can change it? No, I'm the most self-deprecating. I mean, I think it's hilarious to make fun of looks. I think when it starts to get like, there who you are and like, yeah, yeah. Achievements or work ethic.

My mom didn't love me. You'll never be as good as your brother. Yes. Can we at least add a joke to these? Can we add a punchline? No, you're right. I think looks for me are so much worse, obviously. It's just like what you kind of get your worth from, I guess.

But I can get hit in other ways as well. But it's, yeah, it's not fun. And I'm glad I'm out of the woods on that, where it's like the jokes that were made, I'm just like kind of over already. You know, you move on. Yeah, like the one about you being old. Like, it's fine.

It's a good joke, though. Yeah, it was so funny. Skull ball structure joke. Yeah, like the one about you being old. It's fine. It's a good joke, though. Yeah, it was so funny. It's a girl-ball-structured joke. Yeah, it was really... I saw it in the prompter, too. Right before he said... He's talking about Bill Belichick dating a young girl, and he's like, Coach, you need to date someone more your age. Like Nikki.

The way he delivered it was great, too. And I saw Nikki coming up, and I go, here it comes. And you even saw his rehearsal set. Yeah. And you were so – what a team player you are because you had some insider information. You did not deflate the balls for me because you knew that Gronk was going to call me old, but you just said, hey, I saw Gronk's set. He does have a joke about you that tends to address the fact that your age is a number.

Like, you said – you weren't even saying, like, old. You were like, your age is a number. Like you said, you weren't even saying like old. You were like, your age is a number that is higher than other numbers. And I was like, and I only read it afterwards. But I liked that you kind of had his back and were kind of supportive of the roast environment where I'm not supposed to know anything. You got to be fair. And you do have to. I love playing fair.

I hate cheating. That's why it kind of surprised me reading about Tom and even having Tom admit that he cheated kind of or saying. It wasn't an admission. He had plausible deniability in there. Yeah, totally. Because he's like. That was so funny.

He could just say. Because his joke was like the investigation that you guys put on to find out if I deflated these balls or knew about it was you spent $20 million. Pay me $20 million. I'll tell you I did it. So he could just say I was saying I would i would just lie and say i did it for 20 million dollars that is his deniability but it's also could be taken as he admitted it which was a very i loved that joke because it it towed that line of what i was thinking when

he was saying it is he admitting it's an omission i i think it i think we all know it was because we he definitely didn't know it was oj simpsons if i did that think we all know it was because we, he definitely did know. It was OJ Simpsons if I did. That's what it was. It totally was. That was Tom Brady's version. Also like deflating footballs. Really? Is that like such a huge deal? Well, I guess in the scheme of things, it's not. But if everyone is cheating,

I probably would cheat if I'm just to be fair with everyone else. Well, we all know what they say. If, wait, hold on. I know it. Once again, if you, if you're ain't cheating, you're not hold on. I know it. Once again. If you ain't cheating, you're not trying. Basically, yeah. Is that it? If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. You've heard that, right?

Bob Dylan had some line like that. No, he really did. Bob Dylan had a line like... Like, fuck the Jets, I think he said. Yeah, that's what he said. Oh, no, he said, fuck the Jews. Yeah, I think he said, Tom Brady killed Aaron Hernandez. I think that's what Bob Dylan said, I remember.

He was ahead of his time. Yeah, that was a Bob Dylan lyric off his new B-side. Well, I just found out I'm doing John Mulaney's live show. I started out the week being a fan of it, being like, man, I wish I could do that show. And it's so funny. Never in a million years would I be on the Pat McAfee show to promote my special Someday You'll Die that's coming out on Saturday

last Saturday because you're hearing this the week after but this is the week but we're taping it the week before and then also John Mulaney's show I was not John knows of me we're friendly and he's not there's not no reason I would not ever be on that show if it was in a long run.

But they're only doing six episodes, and they just wrote me this morning being like, John wants to have you on. We're not going to harp on this because I'm sure you don't want to go too far into this. But Nikki has continued to be the toast of the town through this whole week. I'm sure you guys, because everybody knows you guys are very close to Nikki as well. I'm sure people are texting you about how great Nikki was now I get one single text I texted Brian she's overrated I'm still getting things like pouring in being like I just saw the roast Nikki was the best it's to the point where if you didn't text me and you're like a friend like it's weird like it's

like nothing like that there's no birth you can skip my birthdays people can forget my birthdays they can forget me getting if i get have a baby if i get married if i have a special come out like i don't care if you're not having a baby right no no not a baron trump over here i wouldn't do it now because the only reason i do it yeah right that was a good joke that was a great joke that i have the i have the face of tiffany trump in the reproductive system of baron or something like that. And the tits of Trump is the tag we wrote for it. Andrew did. But now I really, the only appeal to having a baby, part of the appeal would be like this new identity you get to have.

Like I'm a mom. Like look. And I do think some moms do that. Like it's an identity of like I need a thing going on. And I, maybe there's a world in which that would have been interesting to me at some point down the line. No interest now. I've, I've summited Everest.

I am not going to climb Kilimanjaro. You know what I mean? Like, I don't, why would you, I would never, it's not even a consideration. Your new identity now is being on every single show and podcast in America. Yeah, that's it. You were just on Fly on the Wall. Well, I've never been so beloved. Let me just say this.

I've never had a moment where everyone's just happy for me. They like me. The LA Times, the headline was, well done, Nikki. I mean, this is like a. I've never had any kind of. Are you dying? You might be dying. If you told me this in a dream, I wouldn't believe you.

Like, am I like – A make-a-wish kind of thing. Yeah. Hey, the besties were in on this early. All you besties. Totally. I've always felt that love from them. You were like Nikki for Taylor Swift.

But I do feel like it's like that article today, and the other times I'm like, I do feel like I won the Super Bowl. I'm going to like the parade. Like, it kind of feels like that kind of vibe in the air, and it's going to get annoying of me talking about it at some point. But I just I can't. I wish everyone could experience the love that I'm feeling from people. You're being called the MVP.

Yeah, the MVP. Which is kind of amazing because that's a big deal in sports. It's a big deal. It's the biggest deal. And I didn't know it was the biggest deal until I was talking to you about, hey, I'm going to rank Tom Brady's achievements. Here are all of them. And you go, well, MVP is going to rank Tom Brady's achievements. Here are all of them. And you go, well, MVP is first. And I go, really?

Being the MVP of the Super Bowl would be the first? And you're like, yeah, it's up there. I'm like, I would just think that's like, oh, that's fine. That's good. But I wouldn't think that's like- I think winning the Super Bowl, he's a big team guy. I think he probably down- If you asked him, maybe if you went into his heart and really found the truth, MVP would

be number one. Yeah. But winning the Super Bowl- Of course it is. Well, MVP of the Super Bowl already implies that you've won the Super Bowl. He is a team guy, but like all team people, I think at their core are like they want, like Tom Brady wants to be Tom Brady. Of course.

But he is a generous person. But I think at your core, you want to be the center of it. I don't know. Speaking as a Tom Brady, speaking as an MVP, I want to let you guys know that. We wouldn't know anything about it. This much praise, it could get to the point where it starts to feel sarcastic. Like, can you just read well done Nikki Glaser in like italics? Yeah.

Well done, Nikki. That's always been kind of the response. Like, I've never been so, people have been like, you're great and you work hard and like all these things. And I've agreed with it. I've never been so, people have been like, you're great and you work hard and like all these things and I've agreed with it. I've never thought I've deserved anything more than that.

I've never been like, when is my day gonna come? Ever. I really haven't but it has arrived where I am like the bell of the ball and cool people,

the cool comedy people like me. Hell yeah. It's weird they just come out of nowhere. Yeah, you're welcome. Like come hang with us. We do arenas and you are gonna do those soon

too like schultz gave you a shout out on flagrant it's nice it's nice to be tim well tim dylan welcomed me to the top tier he didn't welcome me but it felt like he he's up there and he's like he gave me a hand and like pulled me up and he just said you're on the top tier now it's it's a long time like it was just a little. But he acknowledged it. And it's like it does feel like I just got that like seven timers jacket. Yeah. SNL or something. Maybe you'll get the invite to the farm now.

I want to get in these pedophile rings. Yeah. The Illuminati. When is that invite coming? A little bit higher I think. Yeah. That's true. You got to be a billionaire to really be on the moon.

My friend's husband is a billionaire, and he just got back from Necker Island. Oh, yeah. And I go, tell us what happened. Isn't that the place where I've heard of this island? It's where he was there with Richard Branson and other billionaires. I think that's his island, Richard Branson's island. Yes, yes. He owns the island.

It's not good to own an island. Yeah, you shouldn't own an island. After Epstein, don't we all think that owning an island. Johnny Depp had an island. Yes, yes. He owns the island. Yeah. It's not good to own an island. Yeah, you shouldn't own an island. After Epstein, don't we all think that owning an island. Johnny Depp had an island. No more islands. Really? Yeah, see, that's shady as well. Yeah, you feel like you're.

Amish and Andy had an island. Did they really? Yeah, they did. Wow. Well, there's nothing weird there. No, only fun. Those two are nothing but pure people. Only fun on that one.

Mr. Beast has an island. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. I bet they're like buying. Remember when everyone's buying stars? Yeah. I bet they're like buying, remember when everyone was buying stars? Yeah. I bet they're like that. Like there's just little dots everywhere that you can have.

But there's a limited number. And with the polar ice caps melting, rising, less islands. Less islands. Yeah, the ocean rises. Yeah, yeah. Also with the income inequality, just more people can afford to buy an island and less people can afford to live on that island that they're going to buy. Yeah. Who's going to run the island? Who's going to change your sheets? Who's going to iron your sheets? That's what rich people do. They have people iron their sheets. That's something that I only had one time when I was on a yacht and it felt totally stupid to me to do.

But I saw these women ironing sheets. Thank you. On a yacht. But I can't wait to be a part of that now. And that's where my life is. So we'll come back to the show, but I am wait to be a part of that now. And that's what my life is. Yeah, that's your future. So we'll come back to the show, but I am going to be different. So we're going to go on a break, but I'm even going to change in the next five minutes after these commercials. So stay with us. We'll be back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews

and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What did you do? I don't know. How did you dare do that? What did you got? I was going to get in there with it.

Last night, what did we do? We went to dinner with Rachel. Rachel Feinstein and I went to dinner at Nobu and we show up

and we're both wearing the same blazer that we both got from a Cynthia Rowley show that we did. She had like comedians on this New York Fashion Week show

a couple years ago and they like let us go to their showroom and pick out stuff and Rachel and I both picked out like this oversized pinstripe blazer

and last night we showed up at dinner and this was like a year and a half like two years ago that we did this and we both were wearing the same blazer

and it felt I've never felt more we were so happy to be wearing the same thing that's a really magical moment in a girl's life to be when two like best friends

best friends who don't see each other we only see each other five times a year I was so happy that you guys went to dinner but I was really jealous because I always said if I could Two like best friends. Best friends who don't see each other. We only see each other five times a year. I was so happy that you guys went to dinner, but I was really jealous because I always said if I could, you know when the people are like, if you go to dinner with five people, who would the five people be? And I would be like, I want five Rachel Feinsteins.

Yeah. Well, she, there was, it was so fun. And then Andrew joined us about 45 minutes in, dropped in. And yeah, it was, she's so fucking funny. Yeah. She's the best. She really is. And she's nice. And she could, like, I was like, Rachel, she's so fucking funny. Yeah, she's the best. She really is. And she's nice.

And she could, like, I was like, Rachel, I really want to talk to you about like, like, I want to go deep with you. Like, I want to like, I want to talk about everything. I go, can you, are you cool with Andrew coming? Like, can you get talk like that? And she's like, yeah, I don't care. Like, she just, she'll, I like that she,

I like when people are like, if I vouch for someone, which she already knows you, but if I vouch for someone, like they're a vault, you can be honest with them. They'll be just as honest about their life that they trust me and go, yeah, he can hear about my marriage or my kids or my insecurities, like whatever it is. And she has a special coming out on Netflix. Yeah, May 21st called Big Guy. Big Guy.

She's one of my favorite comedians of all time. Watch our specials. Support female comedy. It specials support female comedy it's not even female comedy it's like the best comedy she's so fucking funny but uh yeah big guy on netflix uh i can't wait for the even the trailer to come out i'm so excited um but yeah we had a netflix has amazing trailers too i feel like sometimes the trailers are better than the show really often yeah because i asked her i go what let me see your trailer and she goes i, I don't think they do trailers. Well, they do it on YouTube. Yeah. Oh, okay. About a week before. She was like, I think they just do clips. And I go, you have a trailer.

Well, I don't know how the stand-up specials go, but for regular shows, they'll do a trailer about a week, a month before, a week before. Yeah. And they're almost half the time, they're better than the show. The trailers are so good. Yeah. I used to go to the gym and like on the screen there, there was a trailer channel sometimes. You could just watch movie trailers while running. And if I could just watch Netflix trailers, I could do a full workout.

Wow, are they, so they're different than like movie trailers, you feel, like that you would see at the cinema. They're similar, they're similar, but it just pumps you up for the show. And the show could never live up to the two minutes. Because it's like highlights. It's like all the best shows.

And set to a song. Yeah. And like all the cuts are hitting live up to the two minutes. Cause it's like highlights. It's like all the best jokes. And set to a song. Yeah. Like all the cuts are hitting, like when the beat kicks it, like it's. Your trailer is good cause there's some like non sequiturs where you're like, you know, you're just doing kind of funny things and you're,

it kind of draws you in. You're like, what is she doing here? Yes. What's this giraffe dance? I got a lot of compliments on the trailer actually from people, from people who like know what they're talking about. I was like,

Oh, that's so nice. But yeah, I mean, I've talked about it a million times, but my favorite movie is the Social Network trailer. It's the greatest.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not that. It's I'm a creep. Oh, yeah. Like a's choir. Yes. And it's Scorsese directed that trailer. Oh, it's so good.

And David Fincher was like, hey, who can direct the trailer to my movie? It's oh, my God. It's like a music. And it's weird that music videos aren't really getting like their short form. Like, why? Why are they dead dead because there's nowhere to put them it's just on on video what do you mean youtube there's tons of places i guess you're right there's nowhere to put video content anymore there's where there's nowhere not to put video

content it can be anywhere i feel like music is tiktok is just trailers for songs oh really yeah because yeah you're getting like 15 seconds. Tell me what's going on there. What's your algorithm showing? This is a TikTok beat with Andrew Collin. Golf. I have golf. I have random people getting knocked out.

Are you on Crime Faces? I mean, I don't know if I type it in. Is there a whole genre of girls with amazing asses going up to drive? Going up to drive? Yeah, there are a lot of golf girls that are showing their boobs. Yeah, they're always like these fit girls that you just look at their – It's a still camera from behind while they're swinging, and it's really look at my swing, but it's really look at my ass.

Yes. It couldn't be more clear to look at their – Their swing isn't that good. Well, they don't even have a club in their hand. What, and so what, like, what are you- There's some musicians that you wouldn't know

that I know are gonna blow up. Whoa, whoa. Right. What are you, Jake Gyllenhaal? Maybe. Oh, yeah.

Benson Boone. You think you're indie music's- This guy Benson Boone. Do you know Benson? Benson Boone. Benson Boone. You will.

When a song goes viral and it becomes trending on TikTok, then that song becomes the number one song on Spotify all of a sudden. But people only will know, like these artists are saying that they'll go and they'll play the show and everyone shows up and they just sing the one 15 second part of the song that's from the TikTok and they don't know anything else of the song. Yeah, they just repeat it seven times. Sometimes, a good thing is sometimes it digs into the past and resurrects a song that we all love. Like it happened to Billy Joel with a couple of his songs.

And there was that song that just got played. That was actually played at the Tom Brady roast after party. It would never have been played if it did not trend on TikTok. I forgot the guy's name, but it's, you want to know where I've been? I've been trying to, I can't sing. Yeah, yeah. Okay. You know the song?

No, I don't. Yeah, I know. It's a white guy that everyone used to think was black because his voice sounded so much like a soul singer. Oh. I'll look it up while you're talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Informer.

You know, just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. How do you guys know the lyrics to that? It's so good. I have a song that is out now on Spotify and iTunes or wherever you get your songs. It's coming out tonight, I think, as we're shooting this. But it's out now when people are listening to this. It's called Someday You'll Die. It's on Spotify.

Besties know about it. They've heard about it since the inception of it. They've been awaiting it. There's no bestie listening right now to the podcast who hasn't heard the song already. I play it during my lives. So they're well aware. So tell your friends friends put it on your playlist share it with people um tim this morning tim convey your brother who uh wrote the song with me and helped produce or it did produce um he sent me a lyric video that was made but it's using all um it's really cool that

they did it but it's using all like stock footage for every line so it's like i get a text from my best friend and it's like a girl in bed getting a text and then it's like but i can't get out of bed and she like can't get out of bed and it's like it's all stuff like see and say yes and it just it feels like i was like can we just say this was made by chat gpt like i don't want to say that i paid anyone to do this because it's not good it's not like art there's nothing artistic but i appreciate that it was made but. It's not like there's nothing artistic about it. Watch it blow up. But I appreciate that it was made. But then there's also like he goes, what ideas do you have for a lyric video?

Can we still just use the lyrics and maybe just put up a picture? But the fonts are even like live, laugh, love a little bit. They try to do funny things with the fonts. And I'm like, it was a nice effort, and I appreciate it. And I don't know the answer to what a lyric video should be. But my idea I think I'm going to shoot today is just me writing it. Oh, wow. Okay.

And then we just – because I like watching people write with, like, a cool marker. Like, this is satisfying. What about you, like, walking through a field singing – I would do that. I mean, I don't know. That's a field idea. I would do a still shot of me walking down Sunset singing the whole entire thing without stopping. That's a good idea.

Just some kind of video. Or something like that. I mean, that's how it blows up. Why don't you go to Hollywood Forever Cemetery and walk through that? Because someday you'll die. Ooh, okay. He's just done something. Forest Lawn. I went to Forest Lawn Cemetery. When? It was the most depressing thing I've ever... Why? Listen to this.

This is so bad. I shouldn't even tell this. I'm not telling this. It's too bad. I have to. What if you go down to, like, Skid Row? Okay, I'll tell you. It was right before Easter. And I kind of like cemeteries.

So I was walking through and, like, I think, like – anyway, I'm walking through and I'm just, like, looking at different, like, gravestones. And they were decorated for Easter. So anything that was decorated for Easter, I was like, oh, these people – there's something current about this. And I would be kind of curious. So I'd go along and I saw a gravestone of a kid that has been dead for 40 years and it was decorated with all of, so somebody's been coming for 40 years and decorating the gravestone and the kid was only alive for six days. So that person was going there at least every Easter

and putting like children That's so sweet. decorations. It was like, yeah, it was like touching. But like absolutely heartbreaking. Oh my God. Easter is also the day

that Jesus came back to life, right? Yeah, but you So maybe it'll work. You have to like do a double take reading that. It just probably it just said like May 11th through May 17th.

Yeah, it was like August like 1982 to like may 11th through may 17th yeah it was like august like 1982 to like august 6 1982 yeah it's like august 11th 1982 and you're like oh my god well i've been doing this joke on stage you did more in six days than you did in six minutes you know it was close it's close i don't know i wonder what he Yeah, I wonder what he did. Well done, kid. Well done, kid. Flowers. But no, I do this joke about how people think their kid's going to like – like no one really needs your kids.

Stop having them. And we get it. You think your kid's going to cure cancer, but it's more likely your kid will get cancer. And I go – and that always doesn't do well because people picture kids with cancer, and that's sad. But it is actually more likely that your kid as a kid will get cancer. And I, and I go, and, and that always doesn't do well because people picture kids with cancer and that's sad, but it is actually more likely that your kid as a kid will get cancer. It's just statistics then cure cancer. It's a hundred percent. It's infinitely, infinitely more likely. That's just true, but it is offensive and it makes people sad. So now I go, it's more likely that your, your kid's not going to cure cancer. It's probably going to get cancer at some point in its lifetime when it is an old person. And then go because that's more palatable than saying it they're getting cancer as a kid isn't

and then that now gets a laugh because i'm calling out like for some reason both are true and both are sad but like it's just so much like i find that very special uh no that joke isn't in special but the version i'm telling now will probably be in the next special because now it's working because i'm addressing the thing that was uncomfortable about it and now making a joke out of that. It's crazy because your special, you had like an hour and 45 minutes of material going in and so much of it got cut. Yeah, it was too much things. TMM. Too much material.

Too much things. But the next special, I'm approaching it Rose style. Six minutes at a time oh wow spend a month on it all trailers all i love that 45 trailers being gay or steve edelman anyway what's julian sorry oh that's a guy who went to high school man i have got a lot of edelman's in my life and you're they're all gay very common name i think actually alex edelman is bisexual so he came out for his special oh yeah for a special and now he's back he's back he's back yeah yeah netflix wouldn't give him one unless he was

interesting do you think if you get kid cancer though and you die you get you're more like people will show up for 40 years yeah would you rather have that or die of cancer at an old age and no and people show up for i don't care i haven't even been to my because i'm dead that's a good so i'd like to live longer yeah living longer is better yeah that'd be really sad if you just had to wait by your grave after you died all the time waiting for people to come by like you're just sitting there being like i hope someone stops by i've never been to my grandparents' grave I don't think. You should go. It actually feels nice

to do it. I love going to graves. I don't know where it is. Actually, my one grandpa got buried in a cemetery and apparently they just put more bodies They stacked them. They stacked them up and we didn't... There's no way we're not running out of space. They're spooning somebody forever.

Dude, that's crazy. Well, not really. I mean, their body biodegrades after like eight years. Well, their bones. Yeah, the bones are still spooning. The bones last longer. Yeah, the bones last a lot longer. Yeah, sometimes there's mummified things. Like you see bones of like –

The bones. Like people were sacrificed and they put them in like a – like there are two people cradling each other. I want to be buried like in a fetal. Cause like, that would be cool to like, my bones are like, so they think something,

I was like bludgeoned to death by someone, even though. So in my casket, I'm like, Oh, crumpled. So that when aliens discover me, they go,

what happened to this bitch? Yeah. I like that. I want to be like blowing myself. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Finally I could actually. Cause all of. Oh, that's good. Yeah, finally you can.

Yeah, yeah. Finally I could, actually. Because all of your muscle isn't stopping you. Like, what's stopping you? From blowing myself? I guess your spine? Or is it your fascia? My penis isn't big enough.

Yeah, your penis isn't big enough. I mean, when it really comes down to it, my dick's not long enough. No matter how, yeah. I just can't. I've tried. There was someone who was able to touch their mouth to it. There was some person I remember that was like, yeah. Well, there was like a rumor going around.

I forgot who it was where someone got a rib removed. Who was this? Marilyn Manson. We had a joke about it the other day because I was going to talk about how Kim Kardashian like took quite a beating that night. But then the next night she was at the Met Gala and she was wearing a corset that was so painful looking. I mean, literally her waist was the size of her neck.

It was no difference. Damn. That small. And we were talking about like she had a rib removed, like Marilyn Manson. She either wanted to fit in the dress or she wanted to suck Marilyn Manson's dick. Like removing your rib would make it so you could suck her. It kind of makes sense because then they could like bond over it. Yeah.

You know? But she would never because he's so white was our was our next joke like he's the whitest white person he wears black makeup yeah oh that's true yeah i don't know he yeah he doesn't go full but there are uh cemeteries all across this world that are just like forgotten like you think there's some permanence in being buried in a cemetery and there's like cemeteries from the civil war that are just covered up by a mall or just unmarked graves everywhere. Like, you really can't step on a place on Earth where someone hasn't been laid to rest. Right.

I mean, it makes sense. There's so many more dead people than there are alive people. Well, how do you, like, when it's all over for Brian, what do you want to happen to your remains? That's a great question. Frozen and then resurrected. What's the technology? Oh, yeah, we don't talk about Brian's death.

It's not going to happen. Oh, yeah, I forgot't talk about Brian's death. It's not going to happen. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. It's not a thing that happens. Now, my dad, though, we've talked about this. He's interested in a haunted forest. These are trees that have a little sack underneath of them where you can put the body in the sack so that it helps a tree grow, and then the tree is the thing you go see and not the gravestone.

Yeah, that's great. And in a bunch of trees like this, they call it a haunted forest. Oh, God, that's so gross to think of like a crumpled body like in a sack in a tree. But then you become – your energy or whatever, your remains become a tree. Yeah, I don't mind being thrown into the ground just no casket. Like the worms get you quicker. Oh, yeah. And you become part of the earth.

I like that better than being like it's going to take billions of millennia to go through the wood and the shellac on the wood and then the like it won't take billions of millennia you'll you'll biodegrade inside that coffin i don't care what the fuck happens i literally i've talked about this before if you are someone who wants to fuck dead people i'll give my body to necrophilics i don't care if you fuck me I'm dead I literally don't care hey what would be the difference it doesn't yeah I was gonna say the smell but I don't even know about that she is like this when it happened I think I might be wetter. Embalming fluid might be gooier. It'll be your biggest special ever.

Oh my god, that's so funny. A++. Clip it. Clip it. Oh no, let's not. Yes, that's clipped. You're getting clipped, brother. You're getting clipped, dude. Get that foreskin off, baby. What do you want

to happen to your bod? Strapped to a chair, donated to the military and tar baby. You have foreskin? What do you want to happen to your bod? Strapped to a chair, donated to the military, and tarred. Oh, shot at? Yeah. What? Wait, what? Oh, my God. Just give it to science.

Science. Just do whatever science wants to do. If it can help a kid learn how to do surgery or it doesn't, I don't care at all. Well, you can't choose that. When you donate it to science, you don't know where it's going to go. You might wind up getting strapped to a thing and shot with a missile. But like I said, I don't care. Yeah.

It's like whatever is useful. They might study necrophiliacs. I would like to be useful. They might do a study with people who want to fuck corpses. And that might be science. Couldn't care less. Yeah. I don't care either.

Good for all of us. I'm dead. They'll practice missiles on you that'll be used in drone attacks. But do you know what I do? Even though I feel that way, in movies where people have to recover the body from a war field, I always find that very moving. Sure. Yeah.

And you know what? Second thought on this, I do like the idea of an ashes spreading thing. I think that's very beautiful. And I think that I would want that gift for my family and friends to have a closure moment like that. And there's just something about being lowered into the ground that is so sad.

Scary. Being kept. I would like a place for them to go to remember me and visit because I think that is important, like a gravestone, and maybe put a little bit of the ashes in that, but then the rest of the ashes,

I don't know where you'd scatter it. Over the fucking Kia forum, I'll tell you that. They already were. Okay, where would you want ashes right now? Because let's say you could do it like a few places. What about Taylor Swift? Taylor Swift, Rhode Island, Beach House. I would say probably, God, that's such a good question.

Right now, maybe like my childhood home. Like Cincinnati or St. Louis? Cincinnati. Like the little, like in like the little wooded area on the side. I think it's not even there, but like in the front yard where I used to run around as a little girl. Like I think that I'm almost getting choked up thinking about it. Like that's like a, that seems nice. Even though I haven't been back there since I was six.

Yeah, what about you? Yeah, that seems – I don't know. Where are we scattering them? Come on. You've got to let me know. The current owners of that house will be thrilled. What about you, Andrew? What are you doing out there?

You can put my ashes, I think, inside a dildo and give it to Brenna. Yeah, that's – Give her – Is that the plan? Yeah, finally I can have an erect penis for her. Something, like, special to me. I tear up almost thinking about it it it's crazy i don't wouldn't be funny if you got everything like your childhood home yeah i remember i used to run

around in there yeah well at a No. She was a bottle. No, clip it, I mean. I don't know. Clip it, cut it. Cut it out. Burn it. Spread it around. I'm dead.

Autism. I think I have it. Yeah, I don't know. I get scared about cremation. For some reason, I still think I can feel it. Yeah. I'm crazy. You should be scared about getting lowered into the ground too then.

It's really cold. Oh, I had to do that for my grandpa. Actually, that was the one. The one whose grave you never, you did go one time. Just to dig it. Yeah. Years before he died. Dig it up to steal his watch. That was a present that I stole from my aunt.

She doesn't know. She's deaf, so she won't hear this. She really is like clip it clip it but don't do captions captions if anything turn it down a little you never know so i uh i she might just start hearing if it's loud enough you really do know she got a lot of money you know she has a lot of money. Yeah, you do know. She has a lot of money. You never know with science. I had to shovel. In the Jewish religion, you have to literally put the dirt.

Oh, yeah. Everyone takes a try. That was intense. Yeah. You know? Just like hearing it hit the casket. Oh, yeah. You do like a few.

We did that at Bob Saget's. We all got to. We stood in a line and each got to do a thing. Oh, really? It was cool. It's a nice tradition yeah it was you guys got some good ones and then you also like let people you you have like what's the morning yeah the morning yeah yeah that's really that's nice too everyone brings you food

for a week that's like the um uh paid leave for a postpartum paid leave of like of death i feel like where it's like we take a little bit more time to i don't know why it's i'm comparing it to that but some people like to give you no time they're just like come back to work because to you having a child is is a death as a death is a huge death death to your body it's a yes yes i do think that sometimes all the time but some people want it it was funny my grandpa got buried and then my grandma died like eight years later and got buried next to him and i could just imagine him being so pissed oh my god that day like he's like you know i'm banging hooters girls in heaven and now grandma's almost here yeah i'm here i'm home marvin louie has a bit about that oh fuck

of like why are you good he's he good. We've touched on a couple things, and I'm like, Louie has that bit, too. Louie's got the bit about getting fucked as a body, too. Yeah, of like someone failing. Like Willy Wonka. A medical student just gets an F, and they just put an F on you and just slide you down a fucking shoe.

Yeah, grandma, they put an F plus on her, and then there's the fucking the dead body. He's like, I want my body to be like the Willy Wonka. Like someone comes out, and you can come on my back and pretend i am your father yes there's that louis no one would know that song until tick tock brought it back yeah well timothy chalamet brought it back uh yeah can we watch that by the way no did you dark chocolate we don't have to get in it was it's not good i lasted

literally i'm not even kidding. You came right away. I felt the joke bubbling in you. And I had to get it. I literally felt it physically, the joke in your sternum. That's so funny. My grandma actually went, so my grandpa died probably 10 years before she did. And, you know, for the first five years, it was like, I't wait to see grandpa like my husband again and then she started getting dogs like she got senior dogs they would just give her dogs and then they would die and she would and then at the end of her life she was like i can't wait to see my dogs and i would be i literally was like what

about grandpa and she was like i'm good like i had a really good time with him while he was here like she was like he was kind of an asshole, like, kind of grumpy. She was constantly, like, catering to him. And it was like, it's a different, it was a marriage of the 40s. So, like, that's what it was. So, she was like, no, I don't really want to see him anymore. And they had, like, 100 kids together. They had so many.

Ten kids and five miscarriages. Nancy, Jimmy, Michael, Julie, Tom, Peggy, Chucky, Bobby, Patty, Sally, Mom, and Dad. Wow. Yeah, you got Peggy that time. I did it. Nailed Peggy. Yeah, your grandparents, it sounds like they all died, like, Tom, Peggy, Chucky, Bobby, Patty, Sally, Mom, and Dad. Wow. Yeah, you got Peggy that time. I did it. Nailed Peggy. Yeah, your grandparents, it sounds like they all died many years apart. It sounds like they never even loved each other.

Because we all know that if they love each other, they die within minutes of each other. Oh, yes, that's the true sign. Okay, well, we're going to go to break and come back with more after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back in the final stages of the show. This is it. I don't know. Yeah, it did go quick. I stages of the show. This is it. I don't know.

Yeah, it did go quick. I got to go do three more podcasts today. I'm doing Comedy Bang Bang. This is wild. You're doing a tour of the world here. I can't imagine. This week is so packed. Usually when you come to LA, you pack it with podcasts.

You try to make appearances. It was already packed. Already it was packed. And now you're adding all this other. It's like every five minutes, it's a new podcast you have to go to. Yes. I got booked on Seth Meyers, which was last – I'm doing that next week, and then the John Mulaney thing just came through.

But that John Mulaney show is going to be – That's the coolest. There's no preparation for it. I don't have to have a bit prepared. You just go out and you just laugh. Sure. And that's the joy of it. I mean –

You're going to be so good on it too. Because I love the show. So it's nice to be a fan of a show you're going into i want to watch last night's but yeah i saw nate pargatzi the other night he was like i just got done with the millennia thing he's like you know you just go out there you just don't even know what's gonna happen there's really nothing you can do and it was just like it was like okay that's just what i need to hear is like i was when he was saying that i was like oh now i want to do it because you're great in those situations yes I love no prep yes I like no no reviewing what we're gonna go over not having to hit our marks oh god and then it's done I love that he said on his first show like the show is

never gonna find its groove yeah it was so funny because that's it's such an insider term too that's what happens with all these tv shows. Like, you're like, you know, Jimmy Fallon. Our TV shows. Like, Nikki and Sarah. Right, yeah. Not safe. Yeah. They weren't allowed to last long enough to find what they are. Totally.

Like, even when you watch early Conans, and it took them a little while to find their groove and when they did. You couldn't believe it lasted. Oh, my God. I really recommend watching or listening to. Obviously, I recommended Hot Ones, Conan, which was amazing and one of the best pieces of comedy ever. And then they had back, he has on Dr. Arroyo, his doctor from Hot Ones on for a segment on his podcast.

And it's on YouTube, just type in Dr. Arroyo. It is so, it's so funny. It's just like the comments underneath, which, you know, comments help me determine how I feel about it. Are like, this is a 20 minute masterclass in improv. It was just it's really, really good. He was great on hot ones. He was so subtle, just like the subtle.

I was tricked at the beginning. I was like, this is a real doctor because he was so not purposely funny seeming that I was like, maybe this is a real guy who just doesn't know what to say. Yeah. And obviously by the end of it. On the interview, he goes, you know, we just have to talk about some of your practices that you established during the Hot Ones episode. People have questions. You know, when you took my pulse, you seemed to be choking my neck. And he goes, I thought you wanted me to actually take your pulse away.

Yeah, Nikki was like, you know, when you like we were like going to sleep and I was like, oh, Nikki's probably asleep by now. And then she just kept laughing and for like 15 minutes. Like I never do that. Like I'm never like cracking up at things I'm listening to as I'm going to bed. But I could I was like gasping. There's one where he goes. And then when you were checking, you had me stick out my tongue at one point and checked

my like tongue with the with the heart monitor. And he said, yeah, well had me stick out my tongue at one point and checked my tongue with the heart monitor. And he said, yeah, well, that's how we did it. I needed to hear if there was any screaming going on. He's talking about that. And he goes, and it was dead. Your tongue was dead, so it was good. And he goes, well, usually one would put that device on my chest to hear my heartbeat. And he just goes, ugh.

And that just totally repulsed at the idea of a heartbeat. It's just these subtle things that you're like, where are you even going up? And that was so funny. It's really, there's so many more moments

that are just so great to listen to. But what do you guys got? You're so sick of talking about yourself now. I am a little bit, but it is uh it's a good it's it is a good week to be me yeah it's the best week of my life i'm gonna say nikki glazer no i thought you're gonna go third person you might get there by the end of this week you're gonna be like nikki glazer nikki's feeling all right nikki's doing it. Final thought. Nikki's got to finish up the show. Yeah, no, I don't think I'll get to that.

It does feel good, though. Kim Kardashian DM'd me yesterday. What? It feels like the lottery. Every morning, you're like, what is going to happen? I know. What did Kim say? Kim was so nice and wrote.

I mean, I could read our conversation verbatim. I think I will but aren't you not supposed to do that yeah but I just feel like yeah I won't I won't I did it last night on stage but it wasn't like a taping but because I she didn't say anything that would be ever right weird like she just said how amazing you were and how funny like if she would get offended by like I was thinking about this I was like maybe I shouldn't have done that and I go well if if she would get offended by me reading that like she's got to know that if she said something to me I would not do that with something that was not good you know like she I hope she trusts me that I'm

not just reading this because she sent me something it's like I discerned that it was something that is readable but I do I knew that I know that there is a part of her that's probably like this bitch will just read anything I send her which I would not do Kim if you ever hear this but um yeah I remember she wrote like Kanye had sex with P Diddy right and that was she wrote something like that oh my god but isn't it something like that I can't remember exactly she just said great job which she had that means she had to like write a Nikki like she had to type it in like I'm thinking about like her like beautiful nails clicking on it like typing Nikki oh is it two K's or one like yeah and then she had to go to it and then she had to go to like mess like it's like a lot of

things that I was just like oh and then she just wrote me a really nice message saying congrats and then I was like no you I said I was trying to make eye contact with you the whole damn show because I wanted to tell you you fucking killed and you like you were just in so impressive and I said which was no surprise because of how elite your SNL monologue was but you really killed it and I'm and she was like I don't know how you do that it's like it's it's low-key abuse or something like she was like it's abuse and I go you do know how I did it because you did it I go you did it too and you did it so well. And then she was like, she hearted that and I just wrote, she said

something else and I said, we are brave! And she hearted it. So that was the end of it. Great. In and out. Yeah. Success. You know the ironic thing is... Nothing weird happens. The ironic thing is that so many times people call that family not talented. Like, why are they famous?

And I didn't even think about that kind of notion about them even though I literally read jokes about Kim that were pitched to me this week to maybe do that were like addressing that they don't have talent and I literally wrote in that like you are so talented because that was talented to be able to first of all whatever happened at the beginning which by the way the boo I met someone who knows who started it and they were starting it as a joke. And it caught fire. It was gasoline over the crowd.

Because they were just ready to boo. It could have been anyone that is associated with that kind of part of our pop culture. Well, they were booing football teams and stuff too that were anti-patriots. I thought it might be a Swifty thing. I booed Tom because he said fuck the Colts. I booed him. I was the only were booing football teams and stuff, too, that were anti-Patriots. I thought it might be a Swifty thing. And Brian booed at one point.

I booed Tom because he said, fuck the Colts. I booed him. I was the only one booing. Sure. That was the kind of night. It was boo heavy. But she got fucked on that boo. And it was some comedian, some asshole comedian that did it as a joke and didn't expect for

it to catch on. And it wasn't because I thought it was a Swifty thing. I was disappointed on behalf of Swifties for if that's what this is about. But I think it just a Swifty thing like I was like Disappointed on behalf of Swifties For like if that's what this is about But I think it was just got out of hand it was just people Being jealous obviously of her fame and her power And all that like that was what it was But for her to like not address it But kind of like look like a little

Disappointed like she just handled it so Well and then she sat there the rest of the fucking show She went up like almost right after me I think there was One after me and then she went up that's a Long she sat there for two hours whenever a lot of people that made appearances in the crowd left

after their appearances. They didn't want to stay the whole show because they had other shit to do. Kim Kardashian definitely has other shit to do. She had to go to the Met Gala the next day.

Yeah. Unbelievable. She probably flew the red eye but she sat there and waited for Tom Brady's set and I thought that was really cool of her. You can think what you want

about Kim but in order to get that famous you need to have talent. You can't get that famous. There's a lot of hot rich girls who are not as famous as Kim Kardashian and it's because they don't have the talent that she does. It's just impossible to do. And just because

the talent doesn't look like singing or dancing or acting or whatever you think it does it is about sustaining a public image, being captivating. It takes hard work to look that good, too. Being interesting is a talent. Being interesting, yes. Doing things like just not making mistakes at public appearances,

and your whole public image. Her whole job is to cultivate a public image, and that's a talent. And that comes from her. Yes, she might hire people to help her with her image, but she's hiring those people. She's the tastemaker. Yeah. She's at the top. So I will never, I'll always be in her.

And that ass. It sucks that like. Oh, no. I mean, the body is insane. And that ass. That ass, though. Andrew, what's your public image? Mine?

Yeah. A guy that eats chicken salad with his hands. And with that, we have to go. It's working. It's working. This was so much fun. You really cultivated that. Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much. I've seen that happen before. I hope you never die. I would hope so. My favorite Andrew eating story ever was when one day I got us Thai food. We only had one hotel room. The other one wasn't clean yet. So we were just hanging in the hotel room before a night of shows.

Thai food arrives. There's no utensils. I go down to go get some. And I come back up and he is using the ice tongs to eat his Pad Thai. Those are tongs? No. I'm drunk. I don't even know.

Am I? Yeah. No. Yeah. I thought that was ingenious. It is. good. Those are tongs? No. I'm drunk. I don't even know. Am I? Yeah, no, yeah. I thought that was ingenious. It is. It is. It's a bigger bite. What I always use is the coffee stirs. I use them as chopsticks.

And that really does work. But that was a next level. And I loved it. But yeah, hands I've seen a lot. Yeah. But why not? Tongs is a strong move because they're on. I don't know.

I guess they use them with ice. They're clean. Huh? Tong Brady. Tong Brady. That's what we're're on there. I don't know. I guess they use them with ice. They're clean. Huh? Tong Brady. Tong Brady. That's what we're calling you. Okay. Great end of the show.

We gotta go. Don't be killed, you guys. Check me out. I'm going to be in Vegas this weekend with David Spade. Tons of tour dates. NikkiGlazer.com. There's the song. There's a special.

Spread the word. I love you guys so much. Love you, besties. I'll never get big enough for you. I promise. A lot of besties have been like, please don't change. Never forget us. I would never. I love you. Don't. Love you, besties. I'll never get big enough for you. I promise. A lot of besties have been like, please don't change. Never forget us. I would never.

I love you. Don't be kidding. She already has. I would never. She's texting Kim K right now. Yeah. She's texting Kim K. We're besties.

You're my only bestie. I love you guys. Okay. See you next week. Nikki Glaser is gone. That's it. That's it. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at the Daily Show which means he's also

back in our ears on the Daily Show ears edition podcast join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the Daily Show,

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