The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #44 Four Corners of The Room

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Between you and Nikki she loves Sam Harris' take on expanding your consciousness, she loves that her sister's students don't have to take end of year tests and Conan's interview with Bill Burr. Andrew slept great on clean sheets that aren't in his room and is apprehensive about a surprise challenge Nikki makes. You Heard it Here First - stuff in cash vaults, a new way of sitting on a plane, David Spade hosting Batchelor in Paradise and Naomi Osaka pulling out of the French Open. Listener mail brings all the swells as usual and a lyric dump in the Final Thought! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape

your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect

Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him.

From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Here I am. Hey guys, welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast. How are you today heading into the weekend? It's Thursday. Wait it wednesday or thursday it's thursday it's two days after my birthday and my birthday was tuesday i gotta say usually the day after my birthday june 2nd and june 3rd june 4th not my favorite days of the year because it's just like oh it's gonna be so long until another day is mine at least that's the way i used to feel when i was a kid um but this time around god I had so much fucking fun on my birthday and I know I talked about it yesterday but the I hadn't gotten all the um accolades about what a fun night it was from my mom and it's just you know what's really sweet is that my parents just had a great time

and um and I showed them what fun could be had when they just trust me and like because I think sometimes things get caught up with too much planning and there's too much like we need this cake to come then and then the candles and we got to get the card and we got to get like my sister forgot it was my birthday um or she you know she knows my birthday but she it just kind of crept up on her she's a teacher she's finishing out school um even though the kids didn't have any finals because of covid no no finals they just finals were optional for teachers to give so no teachers gave them because he you know no good teachers gave them can you imagine i did we talk about this being a no high school student i mean i this is the stuff of my of dreams i currently still have do you guys ever still have

this dream where you're lost on the final day of school like it's a final and you have to find the class maybe it's for a college class and you didn't even go to college or maybe it's for high school and you were valedictorian so there's no reason that this should be a dream that you have showing up on the last day you didn't go to class you can't really find the class you find it and you didn't study at all okay that's like a nightmare right well the dream scenario of that that you would wake up and go that would never happen is that you get to the end of the year and you have to study and your finals are coming up I mean the way we did in my high school is there's you know you have a semi-final and then you have the final every semester before winter break and then before

summer break and it's pretty much of everything you learned either the whole year or for that semester right and what you do for those even in college classes when you have your final you you pop an adderall or whatever you can't you you totally um ruin your body's symbiosis of sleep and like health to over study memorize a bunch of stuff and then take the test and then dump it out of your head as soon as it's over because that's what i do with every script i've ever learned um every you know you ever see actors on tv shows and they'll do a game where they're like is this a line from something you did sean penn or is this a thing that charlie r ad said to his kids screamed at his kids last week

you know and they play those games. And Sean Penn, who has been in, he can't remember like Oscar winning performance, performances of lines. It's because you dump it later. I mean, I don't want to speak for Sean Penn, but like you, you, they're jokes that I memorized for the sake of a roast or something. And they're dumped out of my head, my own standup, not as much dumped, but sometimes I recalled an old joke this morning actually, and I couldn't remember it. It was something about waxing my vagina. I think it's online. I think someone shot me at a Indianapolis Crackers Comedy Club in like 2010, 11, or maybe eight or nine. And I was doing a bit about trying to wax myself. I bought a NADS kit. Do you remember NADS, Noah? It's like the waxing kit. I heat it up in the microwave.

And this is true story. I just told Andrew this in the kitchen. He goes, have you ever talked about that? And I go, I'm telling you, it's a bit that I used to do, but I haven't, I guess, talked about it since then. I'm saving it for the next time I do WTF with Marc Maron it's just like a story I really think will like drop like people's insecurities out no it's um I haven't been harboring it but I literally I have hurt myself so much for the sake of fashion and wanting to please men I think it should be a segment on our show where we call beauty is pain or just like and this is is for men too. Men do painful things too, but I've almost died because I was wanting to have a hairless vagina. That's a story for another time. But this, I heated up nads. I was like such, I was such a dirty mess back then. Heated up nads,

put it on my vagina. They give you little strips at the time. Like you do individual strips, put, got through two. First of all, I heated up too much this is the joke by the way this is a good line for early Nikki Glaser stand-up this line where I go okay that was something I would right now so I didn't know how long to heat it up I put it in the popcorn I put fuck I fucked it up I put it in the microwave I pressed popcorn I left the room so I heated up too much I love that line of just like but I did it I just I did heat up too much. I love that line of just like, but I did it. I just, I did heat it up too much. So it burnt me. I only got two strips in, abandoned it. And so I had a vagina that was hairless except for two patches, which almost calls back to my joke that I did this past summer where I was getting electrolysis on my vagina and

had to stop my sessions halfway through because of COVID. 12 sessions give you a hairless vagina. Six gives you a vagina that looks like a koala that was survived the Australian wildfires I had to change that joke uh when I did on Kimmel I had to say it looked like a South American soccer field people got offended by that too I'm like I can't win here my vagina looked like a pause button because it had two like you know two strips perfectly perpendicular or parallel to each other. Looked like a pause button. At the time, Twix used to be like, Twix, put your life on pause. And so in 2008, I was like,

I was like some kind of, I said some kind of Twix catchphrase after that. This is the joke. And then I said, I called it Patch Adams. Not because, not because it, oh, I said not because of how it looked, but because I used to go to the hospital and entertain sick kids with it. I put a clown nose on it. Like it just became this absurd bit that I kind of stand by, but I forget the wording. It was pretty good. Look it up. It's on YouTube. You can, you can watch old standup that's humiliating

to me from like clubs I did that would tape my set and I can't stand watching my standup. Anyway, you dream about a day where your teacher, a dream sequence would be me waking up and being like, oh my God, I had a dream. My teacher, Madam Hood canceled the final and said we didn't need to do a final. That's only something that could happen in dreams except 2021 and i know covid has been hard but for all of the kids out

there that did not have to do finals because your teachers thought it would be too hard for you given everything else congratulations that is the best thing i've ever heard it's like the snow it's like a it's like a snow week it's like hearing that you got a week off of I mean when I my sister told me that they had no finals I got excited like I was in high school for the kids because finals used to just weigh on me so much it still represents and I think that's why we have those stress dreams it's because it's the first time this is my guess having no knowledge of dream analysis and honestly not really understanding psychology more than a couple chapters of four books that I've read because I give up after the second chapter.

But I do believe that dreams really can tell you where you're at in your life. And if you have a dream where you are stressed out and can't find the building where your final is, or in your back in high school, or you're having a dream that you are about to go on and for a play that you have not been to rehearsals of and you are playing Juliet and you don't have any any of the lines are memorized or you have a dream where you're falling and your teeth are falling out whatever it is that dream it's it's something that happened to you formatively early on that stressed you out and that's what your brain goes to to get to work through those feelings when you're sleeping. I heard that dreams are a way, I mean, I think science's best guess is that dreams are a way to process the information

you accrue during the day and like download it and make sense of it. And so you have all these weird flashes of stuff. However, Sam Harris, my favorite person and thinker, says the most interesting thing about sleep that I'm going to butcher. But people always go like, what does he compare it to? People are so scared of psychedelics and, oh, if I take this drug, what's going to happen? What am I going to see? What am I going to do? People are scared of dying. When I cease to exist, what will be? When you go to sleep, think about this. When you go to sleep, you literally shut down your body. You are defenseless.

Your brain goes to places you cannot predict. You don't know where they're going to go. You don't know what you'll see. You don't know what terrors will befall you. You don't know what delights befall you. But every single night, hopefully, you surrender to that and you're okay with it. To completely be, you know, a receiving, pretty much victim to your mind. Yet we, I'm scared of doing lsd i'm scared of doing dmt i'm scared of all these things what they might show me in my brain when really every night i sign up for a psychedelic experience dreaming not moving your body but also operating in a world in your mind where dogs turn into buildings and then suddenly you're in your middle school but it's actually your brothers uh friends moms minivan like the way the world shapeshifts if you witness this in your own life you'd go what the fuck so there's some way of him presenting that that i'm probably not

striking a chord with people but the way he presented it was that it's just very interesting that people are so reticent to do drugs that might expand your consciousness and show you things that your your your subconscious might be working through I'm scared to do LSD because I've heard of terrible trips Sam Harris even talks about it he even says he has two young children he said that and if you don't know who Sam Harris is I'm not gonna explain it to you because I honestly can't even list all his achievements but he's a very he's a scientist a neuroscientist neuroscience I don't even I can't even say what he is he's the smartest man to my knowledge alive and I trust everything he says almost too blindly he's like a god to me but the fact that I heard this man say that he wants his two young children if they don't if they live a life or they don't do LSD he will think it's a life that wasn't lived to its fullest for his young seven-year-old, like his young girls. And he even says, that's

something that I remember every time I smoke pot, he goes, would I recommend they do pot? No. I mean, like, sure, once. But if they go a life without pot, that's fine. I would never recommend them smoke pot every day. That's an insane thing. But like, or do LSD every day. But these are human things. Your brain is capable of going to these places on its own. LSD just opens it up. It's not like LSD does it to your brain. Your brain is capable of it. It's just a, and you can get to it through meditation, probably, the places your brain will go. But these are just ways to facilitate it. And I've even changed my, my stance on, um, you know, psychedelics and psilocybin mushrooms for being these like, oh, it just one session and you get through all your trauma. I think what it does is it, it gets you through a lot of it. And then you got to keep up the work to address those things.

I used to think it was like, oh, you just take a hit and then you're like done dealing with your PTSD from Iraq. But no, it's like you, you're able to process it in a way that is so much clearer and more focused and not like terrifying. That's the thing. I got to get to Andrew. But one more thing before we get to Andrew. If you're a fan of Bill Burr, I implore you to listen to his Conan interview from a couple weeks ago. It's 26 minutes long. All I'm telling you right now, listen to the first six minutes and you tell me if you're a fan of Bill Burr and what you usually expect from him, I want to hear what you think after he shares the first six minutes of that interview. I really want to hear from you because for me, as a huge fan of Bill Burr, who in the past couple of years has not been able to enjoy him as much because I just was so, um, it's same with Patrice O'Neill. Like there was, uh, uh, uh, there, there was something about it. He would, he would say things about women

that I would believe, that I would go, oh my God, that's true, that were like really angry and it would make me like hate myself a little bit. So I couldn't listen to Bill Burr because he was like showing me sides of myself I didn't like

and he was so angry at me as a woman, you know, like certain things and not just women, just like things that I stood for that I was like, oh my God, my favorite person in the world, I don't like to listen to his standup anymore because it makes me like feel foolish

because he's calling me out. And I avoided him because it was just too angry and I'm trying not to let that stuff in my life that makes me feel bad. Not because he isn't a genius. But then I listened to his Conan six minutes in. Just trust me on this. I can't believe people aren't talking about it.

And I think as soon as you see what it is, you'll know exactly why. Bill Burr fans, you know, Rogan fans, all of these guys who think they know what's up and hate cancel culture and hate, you know, and don't want to have more empathy. I think they're scared to even watch this because your boy has changed

and how did he change well go watch that Conan clip the first six minutes of the interview with Bill Burr that's 26 minutes long and then watch the rest of it because it's fucking hilarious but the first six minutes Bill Burr has changed and no one's talking about it. And I think it's because it scares everyone who has built their persona around. I want to be like Bill Burr, because if you were pursuing that before, Bill Burr doesn't want to be that way anymore. And you'll see why. Let's get Andrew in here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way

in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth.

That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,

I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior.

He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction.

Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps.

Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Historically, men talk too much. And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. With guests like Corinne Steffens. I've never seen so many women protect predatory men. And then me too

happened. And then everybody else wanted to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade, and I called to ask how it was going. She was like, oh dad, all they were doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's

first day of high school. And slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like, I feel the moisture between my legs

when a man sends me money. I'm like, oh my god, it's go time. You actually sent it? Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices

podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect podcast network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you go to find your podcast. Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. Hi, little cutie boy. Look at him staring. Hi, Andrew. I'm talking to the dog.

Oh, man. I started wagging my tail. Oh, yeah. No. Luigi's so cute and forlorn. He was just sitting in your chair and now he's out of it. Now you're here. Hi, Andrew.

Hi, Nikki. How did you sleep last night? You now he's out of it. Now you're here. Hi, Andrew. Hi, Nikki. How did you sleep last night? You were out, buddy. I had a place to myself. I slept good. Did you sleep good at your ladies? Ladies, yeah. Her sheets are clean,

which is nice. They're not the cleanest these days. I gotta get back in there. Gotta get after that again. I have been wanting so badly to do a challenge and I think today should be the day challenge it's it kind of is physical noah can i present a challenge go for it this is very vulnerable because my room is a fucking mess right now oh god no i don't know if we should do this i know where you're going we each go into

each other's room and we pick one item or we take a picture and we bring back the picture and we just go explain this it could be it what made me think of it one day was when i was brushing my teeth and i looked and i saw one of my old eyelashes like a false eyelash that i stuck on the back of my floss because i was like oh it's and if you saw that you would just take a picture of it and go what is this why why why like just a weird thing that you know you do that you would just take a picture of it and go what is this why why why like just a weird thing that you know you do that you don't even think about that we can then have to answer i'm trying to think what is there anything in your room you truly would be so mad at me seeing or upset about because mine i've got a lot of stuff in there right now that would be hilarious the

only thing i'm afraid i'll make a but you could get mad at me wait can we just do there right now that would be hilarious the only thing i'm afraid i'll make a but you could get mad at me wait can we just do it right now real quick no my room is so dirty right dude mine is disgusting jingle bells you're gonna be singing jingle bells when you look in there do you know what i'm talking about do you know that reference i know my listeners do i know jingle balls that you probably have i know that fashion know that fashion egg. Yeah, you know that fashion egg, Noah. I can't believe Andrew already forgot. Dashing through the snow. Someone wrote to me and said that when they sometimes see the dried jizz on their toys, they sing jingle bells too.

Let's do it. Okay. We're not even going to pause. Noah, you keep us going. We're going to do a countdown of one minute. And we will speed this up, but we're going to do one minute. Noah, I'm going to have the clock.

We can't go in our rooms. Oh, God. No, we have to go in each other's rooms. No, I know. But we can't go first. We take a picture of something. Go get your phone. You're going to take a picture of something you see.

Oh, my God. This is fun. It is fun. I mean, I know I'm really going deviant and we might cut it. No, I love it. I love this. I just don't know what she's going to take a picture of something you see. This is fun. I mean, I know I'm really going deviant and we might cut it. No, I love it. I love this. I just don't know what she's going to do for a minute.

You have one minute to get a picture of something and you just go explain this. And it doesn't have to be, you don't get to touch anything, by the way. No touching. Okay. No moving things. No like lifting up sheets or anything like that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I feel you.

Okay. Are you guys ready? It's a rush. Okay. Yes. We're going to do set, go. This feels like sweeper challenge. One minute.

All right. Oh, God. Mine is definitely worse than yours. Mine is definitely worse than yours. Okay. That was fast. Okay. Time.

Thank you. Time. Where's Andrew? You're done. Okay. So. okay that was time thank you time where's andrew you're done okay so uh are you laughing i don't even know what was going on in my i'm feeling very vulnerable right now so do i i i love but what i love about this and noah in the future you're gonna be the one that randomly pushes this on us and doesn't tell us because we can't prep for it. You know what I'm saying?

So, Noah, it's going to be up to you in the future to go. Guess what time it is? It's time for whatever we call this segment. And then we just run off and do it. Because the only reason it was good today is because I truly left some weird shit out. I know I did. I barely made my bed. I think I just pulled up the sheets.

Yeah. Okay. So so can I see what you took a picture of? Okay, I just feel like it's going to be like, we're going to run out of things. Okay, here we go. What do you mean? Okay. Don't overthink it, Andrew. By the way, we're in the moment. Okay. That is

come on my toy. Yeah. I didn't know that it was that much i thought it might be like jingle bells jingle bells but i didn't even come last night either and that's from it and this is a brand new toy i used i will recommend this toy how do you clean your toys i just usually uh wipe them on sheets that i know are gonna be i wipe them on the side of the sheets because I only use one side of my bed and I wipe it on the side that isn't being used by me. You know what I mean?

So you have a cum side on your own bed? Yeah. Whoa. And then I would never have someone sleep over or I would never, you know. And you don't have a king. You have a queen bed. Yeah, but I honestly, I don't even touch. I use less than a twin in terms of space.

I really stay like in a casket. So that is too much. I really regret doing this challenge. It is embarrassing. However, I will recommend this toy. You know what I love? I love that. I didn't wipe this one, though, because it was too much,

and I was just like, I don't care. I do love that the cum side of the bed is getting you ready for a real relationship because you're like, no, I could sleep with someone else in my bed because I have cum side. Now that could be you ready for a real relationship. Cause you're like, no, I could sleep with someone else in my bed. Cause I have cum side. Now that could be a human body. Yep. Yep. I mean,

if I put enough cum there, it'll might like build up into a real boy. I could love, um, I said boy because of Pinocchio. I wasn't saying a boy. I was trying to reference that. It sounded pedophilic.

Um, okay. So yeah, I got that. I tried a new toy last night because all of my chargers for my favorite toys have been missing, and I wrote into Cal Exotics, who makes my favorite toy.

Get that green box over there. I want to tell girls what my favorite toy is really quick. The green box. A lot of people are asking for a list of their favorite toys, so maybe we could put that on Instagram. This one's awesome for single women who want to feel like, oh my God, here's the answer. Okay.

So yeah, that want to feel like they're getting penetrated. This one, it does not have the rabbit part on it that like tries to hit your clit. You know what I'm saying? We talked about this with Emily. What is it called? It's called the Shameless Flirt. And it's by Cal Exotics.

K-C-A-L Exotics. And it's about $ exotics k-c-a-l exotics and it's about 104 on amazon it is well worth it 850 thrusts per minute it just like it the end of it goes and it really feels good and you can plug it up with your heel or you can use your underwear to kind of hold it in place like pull your underwear down just to your mid thigh or like a little bit further and it will hold it in place like a um you know 850 per minute that's that i mean imagine how we only type 200 words per minute i know i mean that's so many thrusts that's really good and then um and then last night though i used the woman how hard does it thrust though um not too like like i would say like a half inch a half inch of like but it doesn't feel

like a man it just feels like something else is going on that you're not controlling which is part of why masturbation doesn't work for me as well because it always feels like i'm doing it myself will you open your phone um so yeah that's what you found in my room i feel like terminator will start with a vibrator and then i'll just add a gun you know what i mean like like there's been so much like technology improvement because of vibrators yeah to the point of like it's like boston dynamics or whatever like that's calixotics like all you have to do is add an arm on there and a gun and you got yourself a real man this is everyone's man's fear there are sex robots though that women have to compete with like little dolls dolls that are like, I love you and I'm never going to complain.

And they just have a mouth that's always in a blowjob opening. So, I mean, the technology, bottom line is, that is not something that I would recommend a couple do because it does a lot of what a dick can do. But another one that I would recommend to women that I opened last to women that I, I opened last night that was in a box that I got sent from Melissa was the womanizer.

That is the one that Andrew took a picture of and it has the suction on it. It's like, it's like a rabbit. So it goes inside you, but then it also on the top, instead of the rabbit, that's like a vibrator thing.

It has a suction hole and it does the suction and the vibrations. The, the attachment that goes inside you is not big enough for me and it's not enough to like have a but it still was better than any other toy I have right now that has an operating charging cord but the problem is like that's why I love Emily Morris's pod because the other day I was looking at her uh Instagram sex with Emily and it said remember to charge your vibrators.

And I literally was like, oh shit, I forgot. Because there's nothing worse than you want to sesh and you have nothing to use. So, unless the one that's charged

on the wall, which is the magic wand, which I always have the, not the battery powered one, but the charge in the wall. Okay, Andrew, answer to the pictures.

I should have wanted to, you didn't take it with my phone. Where's your phone? I took it with your phone. Oh, I did. Oh, okay.

That's right. I don't know. I was holding your phone, but it was you showing me a picture yes got it i just thought because separate rooms i was why is there never like a giant like my question to you is why i took a picture of the four corners of your room and i know that's not fair but sounds like a jewish prayer yes i wonder it sounds like a book that you had on your nightstand. Yeah. The four corners of the room. Yeah.

How to grow into a Jewish man. One is, this was the first one I took. It is a crumpled white sheet in your corner that is, I would say, the one that you're trying to forget what happened. This is the corner you put things in that you're trying to forget what happened. This is the corner you put things in that you're like, something bad happened. What happened to that sheet? Well, if you look closely,

there's two cut holes in them. So, no, no. I don't know. I threw it in over there, and then the bike came later. Blair Witch. Okay, there's a bike wheel in front of it because he propped his bike,

but the sheet is crumpled in the corner, scared, almost ritualistically hidden in the side in the corner then the other corner is a red pillow um many sheets many uh a blanket a pull-up bar towels yeah and it's stacked together in the corner what's the corner thing going on and then the other let's go to the other well i mean you know, people, okay. Honestly, by the way, a room has four corners. Are you asking or are you?

Hold on, I'm not done. So then the corner that has your door attached to it, there's a, is another pile of laundry. That's a laundry on top of a laundry bag. And then in the final corner is the funniest corner.

And this is the one I think we have to show in the story is a, Noah, will you describe this? It's a shoe rack. It looks like shoes from like a hostage room or something like that. Okay, so it looks like a pile of shoes.

Many shoes, but what is in the corner there? Oh, what is that? Oh God. It's a stripped lamp. It's just a light bulb. It's a stripped lamp. It's just a light bulb. It's a stripped lamp with just a lamp, a light bulb. It's not an Edison lamp, by the way, where it's like you put on a fun bulb.

It's just a lamp that has a single bulb, no shade, and it's not plugged in. It's in the corner. It looks so lonely. I'm feeling a lot of shade, if you ask me. Yeah, I mean, this is all. I know where the shade went. It ended up in here.

You took a picture of uh you know there's my cum so this is nothing but for honest honestly i'm more vulnerable when your girl comes over when your girl comes over do you do you care if she sees all of this i would just want to know like because there's nothing to really be ashamed of about any of this it's just the laundry will be done by the end of this year and then uh the other stuff i i don't know i like a corner you don't you know you throw it in the corner you forget about it i didn't even think about it i don't see these things because of my add but i got a question you got a big old room in there that we put a bunch of junk in it's like a storage room that's past it's like a closet in a closet yeah why not throw

all that stuff in there because that that baby's getting real full in there and it might never get addressed because you might put it in there and forget so at least i mean that's always been my move is put it in the closet close the door forget about it that's what we do with the trauma in our lives that's why we're scared of doing mushrooms because apparently that's the metaphor everyone gets is that when you do mushrooms the the rooms where like oh i was molested in that room or i was the the the rooms of trash that you're not ready to look at and put away apparently you open the door that's how someone described it you open the door to that room and you see the mess and you go okay all right i see it this is a lot i'm gonna

have to deal with someday and that's okay it's not today and then you shut it and then you're good like it doesn't it's not this like subconscious like i gotta get to that room and clean that basement room it's just like it's there i put it there for a reason i'm not ready to deal with it and that's okay i feel that way about that room yeah i don't yeah um i thought you were gonna come across so i have a confession to make i guess i know you were really nervous and i i didn't see anything in your room to be nervous about other than, you know, extreme ADD and. You were out of town.

Apathy. And I was having. What'd you use? I was having sex and the toy wasn't quite working. So I came and got another toy from your, your, your box of toys. What'd you get? The one that sucks on the clit there. Okay.

How was it? She came. So I owe you a blah, blah. You can do that, though. You should have grabbed a vibrator. You know, like you can do the thing that the suction thing can do. I grabbed one of those, too. Are you being serious?

Yeah. Why can't you just be honest? I don't know. Do you have anything else to say? No. It's okay. I can handle it. That's it.

That's it. I grabbed one thing that goes in her and one thing that's... What thing that goes in her? Because I might want you to replace it, but I just... I'll have you write the company and ask for a free one, but I'm serious. Which one that goes in her? I'll show you. I'll bring it in the next segment.

I don't think you'd like it. Okay. If it wasn't opened already, I probably was like, okay, with parting ways with it. Okay. I'm glad you did that. I think that was the right thing to do in the moment. I just got so excited and I wanted her to come. You could have texted me.

I know. I know you're scared I would say no. That's the thing. I don't think you would have said no. Why not text me? Because I was naked with a boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't text me.

Never mind. Just steal whatever you want. We got to get to the news. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry. I forgive you. Thanks for being honest with me. Truly, you will not have any repercussions from that

when we get off air. I'm serious. I don't care. And I was even thinking about it, how I was so stingy with those toys for you and didn't want you to have any of them. And I was like, why? Because it's the same thing as when my dad

wouldn't give me weed that he got from his friend because he was like, this is the best weed. And I'm like, but you don't smoke it. You're there's no way you're going to get through all those. Why do you need to hoard it? And I realized me doing that to you was just a control thing. And, um,

and I actually resolved to let you have whatever you want out of that box and be like, I don't know why I said that you couldn't, that was so weird. So I, I had already made it up in my mind and I hadn't told you that because it was too vulnerable. So there's like,

there's like 30 in there. No, it was a control thing for me. But I'm not just to you, to the listener. I want them to know I didn't take two out of five. No, we have a giant box of toys that Balesa sent me. Bee Boutique. Balesa is the porn site, and I don't do any promo with them. They didn't ask for this, but they are one of my favorite sites,

and I pay for Balesa Plus, which you name your your own price and it's like really good porn for women and and men it has really hot stuff um and then they have a uh a sex toy store that they sent me a bunch of shit and it's fucking great and that's where you can get your um cal cal exotics shameless i would i recommend that versus amazon and you know why uh slave labor okay let's get to the news you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first I recommend that versus Amazon, and you know why. Slave labor. Okay, let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, boy.

It's the last day of the week, and we know what that means. It's going to be a good day because the weekend's coming up. Your spray tan's on. Your hair's wet. Your extensions are going. Your eyelashes are on, and your bikini is tight. So you're going to have a great time in all the swells, hopefully, this weekend out on the Lake Combos.

Were you thinking of Lake Cuomo? Yeah, but I wanted to say combo, and then I put them together. Or combos. Okay, whatever. First story. We didn't get it, but that's fine. But someone person probably did. Yeah. Yeah. Someone that loves combos on Lake Como.

Oh my God. I forgot. What happened? Okay. Remember yesterday? I don't know why I'm whispering because I thought maybe. But I'll follow you. What's up?

Okay. So remember yesterday when I shared that thing of our friend Claire Parker? Yeah. Saying the thing about the thing. Yeah. The part that I loved the most, because I, the part, the reason why I wanted to show it to you guys so much,

and I just want to revisit it for two seconds. I know I'm being so ADD right now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know why you want to keep whispering. Okay, the thing that I showed you of Claire talking about how John Mulaney and Olivia Munn might be pregnant, right? Oh, yeah.

Okay, at the very end of it. They both are. I didn't play the end, but listen to the end. So it's her talking the whole time. We're not in John Mulaney's circle, but someday. We know, we know but listen to this at the end be not true but maybe it is true anyway if it is true you heard it here first oh claire claire parker i love claire parker by the way um i know that that was an obnoxious clip and probably

you're like, I don't want to follow that girl. She is so freaking funny and used to be on my radio show all the time. Claire Parker, she's any chick who loves celebrity gossip or just likes girls talking about being a girl, Claire Parker, look into her. Okay. What's the news? The first story. Apparently

an Italian artist sells his invisible sculpture for $18,000. Hmm. Salvatore. Salvatore. It sounds like the name of your sex toy shop. A guru described his piece as a vacuum. The vacuum is nothing more than a space full of energy.

And even if we empty it and there's nothing left according to heisenberg uncertainty principle that nothing has a weight therefore it has energy that is condensed and transformed into particles that is okay um talk about a guy that beat the i mean this is the best thing since the pet rock i mean how much did this sell for? $18,000. For nothing. For the concept of nothing. And you know, whoever bought that definitely had $18,000 lying around in a corner in their room and just didn't care.

They were just like, this is going to be hilarious that I bought nothing for $18,000. You should have gave them an empty bag and said, hey, there's $18,000 in there. Just imagine it. That's really funny. You know what I mean? Well, you know, money is really like not actually money like when i first i think it was like two years ago that i realized that money is just numbers like it literally is just a number you look at there's not like a a room at a bank that

has every one of your dollar bills yeah and like has your name on the the door in front and it's like this is their money it's like it literally is a typed in number it's funny you talk about that because i haven't told the story about getting locked in the cash vault oh yeah with the ghost but i mean i mean what i don't even know if we can we have this yeah maybe towards the end puddles can we direct people no i haven't told it yet but it's essentially but i was just thinking about this family the lemp family in st louis all killed themselves four generations killed themselves there was a bigger brewery than the budweiser brewery they had a cash flow and i was thinking about how like when you lost money all your money

the room just kept getting more like you saw the physical version of your cash like if you lose your money nowadays you know what i mean you don't see it i know mcm still is living in a mansion and can have no money is that what you're talking about no i'm saying like yeah so like take this room right all your cash you had a cash room at one point and it was to the ceiling yeah a vault a cash vault okay yeah every day you're not making any more money but you're taking money out of the vault and you're not putting any money in you're literally seeing your wealth get depleted physically right would hurt way more see it when you open your bank account that's why i don't look at my

money like i would probably in the olden days have gone wandered into my vault and like closed my eyes or blurred my eyes to be ignorant to it because i'm so scared of looking at money but why don't you look at it the same way as i should look at my closet it's no it um i do i put it in the back and then i don't and i get it out when i need to and then i'll i hopefully the troll who lives in my closet, AKA my business manager, will alert me if the money is to be washed. You always hear these stories though of celebrities. I'm still talking about your laundry. Of celebrities like their business manager

took 50 million from them because they never checked. I know. I've made this very abundantly clear to Russell Altman that I've said it on many podcasts. I could be, you could steal from me, Russell Altman. You couldn't steal from Russell. You couldn't steal my money from Russell Altman because he's the one looking at it

and he's very vigilant about what spending goes on and he alerts me to any weird purchases, even if it's blackedraw.com in the middle of the night when you're in the Cayman Islands and he suspects it's probably some weird activity but it's really just you being lonely um and did i want to get on tushy.com too why not let's throw it in if i'm paying 39.99 a month for black draw it's 15 more to get tushy and blacked and all these other things actually i didn't buy the the package um and i regret it

because black draw does not have as many things as videos as you'd want there's probably like one a month that gets added and uh and the fact the chances that it's going to be a gangbang that really like hits the nerve for you are slim to none but i have told these guys like i could be i could be stolen from easily i um happens all the time but the thing is i trust him and i trust he's just he's almost like my dad he'll call me after like my accomplishments he like I genuinely feel like a love from him that is not based upon me uh paying for his services and so I really just trust and I just gotta trust my trust you know he helped me it was awesome but um yeah yeah please don't steal from me and russell will catch you if you do but russell you can steal from me and you know i'll never see it yeah and if you do steal from her we'll lock you in a cash vault with a ghost you fucking bitch but it won't

be a real ghost it'll be like a vacuum like that you sell for eighteen thousand dollars okay so next story he looks like sam harris i think that's why i trust him so much too he looks and sounds like sam harris russell has anyone ever told you that? Russell listens to everything I do too. I feel like that would be the perfect accountant. I know. That's what my accountant, your accountant shouldn't look like Tommy Lee.

No. He should look like a fucking nerd who will get put in, you give him a wedgie. Tommy Lee is so hot. I was watching him and Pam Anderson make out at a party in 1991. Last night, that was on Reddit.

Yeah, but you're so into Machine Gun Kelly who played Tommy Lee at that point. So essentially, you was on reddit you're so in the machine gun kelly who played tommy lee at that point so essentially you're fucking you get me into that movie i might not leave i'll watch it again you'll have some pictures to take in my room the next day there'll be some dirt in there yeah the side of the bed will uh there will be a full uh jizz figurine of a skinny white rocker. We'll play Machine Gun Kelly on Netflix in 20 years. It'll be a machine gun made out of... Okay, let's just...

Next story. This is falling off the rails. We used to have a show, RIP to our show. This is great. Next story. All right. A 21-year-old student designed a double decker plane seats that are set to revolutionize the way look at these seats whoa dude that's so smart

okay so what we're looking at let me just tell you folks uh plane seats that are on the floor like the ones you know and then in between them there's two steps that you would go up to and it's you're able to fit a person over you so that their back would be reclined but when you stood up to get in your seat you'd maybe have to bend forward you'd have to bend back a little bit to get in your seat but not more than climbing over people that usually do this is beautiful I love it I think this is definitely something that I would be on board with I love flying southwest because everyone's the same but this seems like it would take it to a um like you could just get more people on the plane and it would be easier do you know that there's an easier

way to board a plane but they don't do it because it would make us uh it wouldn't be able to make them more money in terms of making groups feel special so airlines make money by being like oh your status and there's a uh there's a web youtube video that i love that explains how airline seating could be so much more efficient and faster like so much how would they do it it just describes mathematically like you would load in the back of the plane. It just takes you through how it would be cut down the time by a lot, right? Which time is money to airplane people, to the airports and airline industry. However, they must have run the numbers and realized that that time that they would make up for with fitting in more flights would still not be more financially beneficial than making up fake caste systems within the plane that get people to spend more to get privileged to go on the first.

You know where it slows down? We got to stop letting these disabled people on first. I mean, that's where the slowdown is happening. Yes. I am all for letting the disabled people on first and last, first off, whatever they want to go, essentially. Well, it's always veterans and disabled people for or disabled disabled veterans or disabled no i'm okay with that what i'm not okay with is southwest

saying that it's for like so it's a socialist flight you know everyone's the same um however i i like that as a celebrity people always go you're flying southwest are you poor i'm like it's not fucking spirit it's southwest they treat you well two bags fly free my problem with southwest though is even they are getting into the business of you want to pay some extra you'll get in the a1 through 10 and it's like no southwest that's not what it was about and then if you're a frequent southwest buyer which i am and you try to sign on for your flight and 24 hours the flight goes live so you can check in and then you get your seat assignment Right we all know that You can do it at 10 o'clock

On the dot And put in your confirmation number and check in And you will get C12 That's like when they say Taylor Swift concerts sell out She sells out 8 Staples Centers in 2 minutes I go how There was already systems in place For computers to get in line

There's something fishy going on it is actually not fair last couple times though when i flew southwest with you we got like a1 and a3 because we were we we were flown out by companies that booked us on the a-list preferred and spent the extra money so that's why next story so maybe that's where i love this seating though and i really hope it takes i just feel like if someone farts it's right in your face i told my dad about you know what i mean look that might if you farted it's right in the face i get that but that's it no it's not i mean i it is but there's not like a vent that's coming from the back of your seat directly into the person's face i will say though real quick my dad on the way back from greece said the worst part was

and the way there was that he had to fart so bad and it hurt so bad to hold it in because my dad is someone who passes gas a lot he's like an older man and he and i'm someone that does too so i understand his body i said dad first of all the sound is not something to worry about on a plane because you have the white noise of the airplane everyone's has headphones on for the most part the smell is the issue right what you do and if you don't know this, my dad had not known this in his 66 years of living. I go, dad, you take the blanket or whatever, like your sweatshirt, your jean jacket,

and you ball it up and you sit on it so that it creates a muffler, like a big muffler. And not only does that muffle the sound, which we're not even worried about to begin with, it soaks up the smell enough that it won't get out crazy it will dissipate a lot the the particles will get out even slower and you can fart safely without and because that's really spread your cheek right that's what no no no i would i mean spread your cheek but then stuff that sweatshirt up in it no one's paying attention to you and really fart into a um a balled up towel or blanket and it will soak up the the smell and won't bother

your freshman year when you would smoke weed in the dorm and you would blow it into the gatorade with the dryer sheets that's what it reminds me exactly it but don't are you bringing more attention to yourself next thing you know you're elevated paying attention i swear i just straight up fart on planes i don't even think about it like the smell isn't gonna come the smell is not gonna come back to you uh that's but that's really rude to do to people when someone farts and they go well you couldn't hear it and you can't trace it to me it's like that's still just gross to put that poop smell from someone's butthole in the air in the confined space i think it's rude but isn't your jacket gonna smell like farts eventually maybe but that's your jacket and or you could use the plane and why does he just go to the bathroom

because it was because it's what you know he has to fart constantly like i do too sometimes like i'm a i'm a uh farter burper like i just i'm constantly gaseous someone wrote to me and said that i've been like burping on the mic and i'm horrified by it and i just want to call out that like i am aware of it please do not write in if you hear it it's really embarrassing for me I obviously try not to do that I will be very diligent about not making weird sounds with my throat and mouth but just don't tell me about it I know and it's too embarrassing when you write in that I'm doing it yeah because then you're gonna overthink it every other thing you can write in about that annoys you about me and I'll maybe tell you to stop doing it but the the mouth sounds or like my throat or any kind of things

i really am trying not to do that and so just know that i i can't help it if i'm doing it and i'm trying my best next story uh celebrity um chris harrison will not host bachelor in paradise instead celebrity guests will. And your friend, David Spade is one of those people. I know. I've known about this for a bit now because David Spade is one of my best friends. And yes,

I am bragging about that because it's the coolest thing that's ever happened to me. Cause he's the funniest person in the world and is the same person. I watched stuff from him in the nineties when I first was like, I want to be friends with that person. He's still that person. We were just talking about this morning. He has the energy and the like kind of,

uh, attitude and yeah, he's just a youngster. He's still, uh, very, he's still very fun and just silly and, uh,

definitely not someone who big times anyone. Yeah, and he just feels like he really knows who he is more than almost anyone. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Really? I don't know. I thought he comes off like he kind of. No.

Like he. No, he knows who he is. I mean, he's a. Maybe comedically he knows who he is, and that's what I'm thinking of more. Well, the other night I was hanging out with him. First of all, he is doing Bachelor in Paradise, which if you don't know, I'm doing a show that's coming out this summer that I can't talk about,

and people have been speculating now that they've announced these guests, celebrity hosts, that I was doing Bachelor in Paradise. That's what a lot of people, while I was down there, thought I was doing. It is not what I was doing. It's similar to what I was doing. I would be down there co-host. Because I even told Dave last night, I was doing. It's very, it's similar to what I was doing. I would be down there co-host. I would, because I even told Dave last night,

I was like, God, I wish I could be down there with you when you're doing this because it'd be so fun to like hang out. And he's like, you should try to do it. And I was like,

I can't, I can't. Or else it would be because I love, you know, dating reality shows. Dave's going to be amazing at it. He's going to be so fucking funny.

And, and what I wanted to say about wait what did you just say about him chris harrison's done no you said something about he's confident in his comedy of who of his voice i realized the other night that no one is no we went out to dinner he drove me to my set and i went on stage and i had a fucking great set so much fun i'm not even nervous about him watching me anymore because in the beginning I used to be of like my comedy idols. I got off stage and he had written me all these notes, like jokes he liked and tags and stuff.

And we were driving to the next set and I go, I got to tell you, I sounded like you up there. I go, I couldn't help myself. I was doing so many you-isms because I hung out with him for dinner. Yeah. And he is my favorite comics, my favorite standup. couldn't help myself i was doing so many you isms because i hung out with him for dinner yeah and he is my favorite comics my favorite stand-up um one of you know top five for sure maybe tied for first with other people but i go i sounded so much like how so though like what would be okay so let me

give you this is just cadence um uh doing a joke da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da like it's like just little the if you listen to me you will realize and you listen to david spade i hope you see overlap because i'm trying to do what he's doing because he's the funniest one more thing he told me after i said that i go dave i just want to let you know that if you saw you and me up there, I'm aware of it. And I can't hang out with you because I'm going to start sounding like you. I don't hate it for me because I killed. I go, when I kill now, I realize it's because I'm doing you. And I don't even mean to do it.

It's just like it was. I am such a mimic. I'm someone who's so insecure when I was little that I wanted to be everyone else. So I would mimic other people so that people would like me as much as they like those people. Even though the reason people like Katie Miller isn't because she talks like this. If I just start talking like that, people aren't going to like me

as much as Katie Miller. It's just like, you know, like I would choose the wrong thing. I did the same thing. I would, if I was talking to someone from New York, I would talk more,

I still do it, with my hands more and I'm more New York-y. And then when I'm talking to my bros from the South, I'll just say, man, yeah, I love a fire and a little golf on the weekend. Yeah, I I still do it with my hands more and I'm more New Yorky and then when I'm talking to my bro from the south I'll just say man yeah I love a fire and a little golf yeah I see you do it you get a little twangy when we go south yeah I do it all the time and you as a kid I had I went through every skater uh you know um guy that checked his pubes in the sun he told me um he told me though he goes oh that's funny he goes i didn't notice and i go i think you probably did he goes uh one of his famous buddies wrote him or he goes one of you know he said the name i don't want to say who called me early on and said you know who

is doing you on stage and he said another name of a comic and i go that's so funny because people accuse me of sounding like that comic. Oh, I got to know. And the fact of the reason I sound like that comic is not because I want to be that comic. It's because they sound like you. I want to be you. Oh, my God. And it was just such a, I was like, oh, my God, it's you.

It was you all along, David. I never know whether to call him David Dave or Spade. Call him Joe Dirt. He did the funniest thing the other day where I said something inappropriate. I was asking him if he knows where sex clubs are in Hollywood. And I just was out with it. I was like, Dave. I go, David,

where's some Hollywood sex clubs? I want to hear about them. And he goes, Nikki Louise. Just to make my middle name Louise was so funny. It made me feel like it is Louise. I want it to be. That's my niece my middle name Louise was so funny. It made me feel like it is Louise. I want it to be. That's my niece's middle name.

So when she asks me about sex clubs, I'll be able to say Poppy Louise. All right, let's get to the sports moment. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. I love that we cut it again and so you sound even more thrilled. Okay, four-time Grand Slam champion Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open on Monday and wrote on Twitter that she would be taking a break from competition these days after she had experienced huge waves of anxiety

before speaking to the media and revealed she has suffered long bouts with depression. All right. I heard about this. I like it. I like her tenacity in the face of, hey, I'm uncomfortable

with this part of the sport and I don't want to do it. And if you make me do it, then I just, I've already proven myself. I don't need to do it anymore. Is that essentially it? She just doesn't want to answer

to everything she did wrong on the court after she just won. Well, journalists took extreme offense to it. You want your questions answered, you person that isn't as good at sports as you wish you were. And so you got into journalism because you're good at that, which is commendable as well. I'm sorry. Why do we need to make this girl have anxiety? Well, also, so she was getting fined, and it was becoming a bigger story than she even wanted to,

which obviously is just going to add to her anxiety. People hate millennials and Gen X, Zers and their anxiety. These older people that are going, oh, anxiety, depression, that's all they have. It's like, yeah, you would too if you were raised with a phone in your face. I mean, she was only fine, 15 grand. But the thing people get mad, they go, well, that's part of the sport.

You got to answer some questions. You ain't tough enough. And it's like, that's two different things. Yeah. But people don't want to hear that. They're like, well, maybe if you can't answer your questions, you're not tough enough for tennis. And it's like, and you make all that money. People don't want to hear that. They're like, well, maybe if you can't answer your questions, you're not tough enough for tennis. And it's like,

and you make all that money. People don't want to hear that. Yeah. It's part, I get it. It's part of the financial responsibility. The responsibility you have being paid. What you do is to provide content around the facts around what you're doing. Like,

uh, you provide sound bites and provide, you know, ESPN clips of a press conference you need to give them more it's part of it i get it but does it have to be does it take someone standing up and going no to maybe change that model yeah and so good for her and what um what do you feel about it as a person who knows sports um i think that uh she's a little bitch and she needs to know. Can you imagine if that was my take?

No, I think like, I, I, I, it's hard. It's way harder to go, Hey, I'm rich and I still have issues to knowing that she's going to get the

backlash. You know what I mean? About her being rich. People are just like, why are you complaining? You're rich. You're rich. You're well,

you said the other day with Russell Westbrook, like you play, you get paid to play with a ball but i think that that you know the the amount i just i hate that analogy when people say that about these athletes because the amount of work it takes to become a professional and how many people they compete against and then the amount of less work you can do as working as like a financial analyst and even make half that and then you go well you're just playing a sport i know you only see them play with an hour in front of you and it's a you just don't know the work that comes behind it because if you read agassi his book andre agassi's book i think it's called agassi isn't

it agassi andre agassi or do you say agassi i say agassi i think i don't know honestly i don't know I think it's called, isn't it? Augusty, Andre Augusty. I say Augusty. I think, I don't know. Honestly, I don't know who's right here. I felt right, but I would totally admit to being wrong, but it jumped out at me. So I think when I read Agassi and I have no interest in tennis, don't know how to score. Don't know how to follow it. Don't really care. care um i learned and also uh reading this other book called um the talent code which is about how people aren't really naturally born talented like yeah you can be have a different musculature

structure that makes you predisposed or you know you vocal cords that are healthier than someone else's but truly what makes people talented is working. And Beyonce is an example they use in that book that it was like, yeah, of course she's beautiful and has a predisposition for singing and dancing. But if you look at the hours that girl put in, no one can touch it. Much like no one can touch Beyonce in talent.

And really what the truth behind talent is not, you know, a child sitting down at a piano and playing Mozart and just knowing it. And you go, how did he know it? Or Beyonce just knowing how to sing like that. It's practice. And that's what I always say about comedy.

It's like when people go, you're so good. I go, or they ever compliment me. It's hours. That's why I do a daily podcast i want to stay it's the amount it's the it's the hours you put in guitar i'm gonna be as good as taylor swift if she if taylor swift somehow stopped playing guitar today in let's say she

started when she was like 11 playing guitar she's now 31 if you give me 20 years and practice as much as her i probably won't sound as good as her because my voice is a little bit aged but i could be as good of a guitar player as her yeah i could be as good if i do the same hours i can pretty much be in that realm of anyone anyone listening right now you could be a stand-up comedian right now if i've been doing it for 17 years if you started now and did open mics every single night and became obsessed with comedy, you too could be hilarious and carry a show. The hardest part, though, to those kind of things

is certain sports, for basketball, all you need is a hoop and a ball. You know, like for stand-up, you need a crowd. Like you can't just, certain things are easier to practice than others. That's what I'm saying, you just gotta go out. And I always feel guilty that my practice was going out to clubs and like not sitting at home.

When I think about Taylor Swift, which I compare myself to her a lot now that I'm trying to be a singer songwriter. And that's a true statement. I think about all the hours she spent alone practicing her guitar and how much work goes into that. And I go, God,

I didn't do the same for standup. And I go, yes, you did. You waited at open mics. You signed up, you, I didn't do the same for standup. And I go, yes, you did. You waited at open mics. Yeah, you did. You signed up. You waited for them to pick the names.

Dude, you did so many shitty shows. But to me, that's a hanging out. And it's not like sitting down and thinking about lyrics. But all of that waiting around, talking to comics about comedy, about tags, that's all the same kind of work. So I am the Taylor Swift of comedy. Let's get to the first.

Also, oh, sorry. But people like Kobe Bryant and people like LeBron. the same kind of work so i am the taylor swift of comedy let's get to the first also oh sorry but like people like kobe bryant and like people like lebron i was being facetious when i said that but i do really want people to compare me to yeah yeah the taylor swift for sure of comedy yeah i've been saying that for years okay yeah you're better than her actually fashion egg eggs oh wait there's no fashion egg there we could talk about this stuff for all day but we do got to get to listener mail because we've got some good ones today so grateful for our listeners you guys are the fucking best i talked about you yesterday on a yahoo interview i did about mental health about my listeners and how much this podcast has made me feel like closer to my fans than i ever imagined i could be and so i'm

just really grateful whether you're listening for the first time today and you're like easy nikki i just like accidentally turned this on like i don't love you just really grateful whether you're listening for the first time today and you're like, easy, Nikki. I just like accidentally turned this on. I don't love you that much. Or you're someone who listens every day. Thank you. Let's listen to Megan's

voice message. Hey, hey, Nikki and Andrew. This is Megan calling from upstate New York. I had to pause the pod and send you a quick voicemail. I think the Machine Gun Kelly song that you're referring to with More Like Mandy is because she wrote a song called Candy. Yes, girl.

Yes. Just wanted to connect those dots for you guys. Hope everything's going well. Thanks, girl. All the swells. Bye. All the swells. Bye.

All right, girl. All the swells. Bye. All the swells. Bye. All right, Megan. You and several other besties wrote to me and said, Nikki, Mandy, I was right about Mandy Moore. I got there on my own without putting it together that, yes, of course I know that Mandy Moore had a hit song, her first hit single called, I'm missing you like candy. Missing you like candy.

Sweet, sweet loving. There's a part of it where she goes like, it's like a little bit of a... Jessica Simpson. It was so good. And the fact that I did not put that together is embarrassing. And I am grateful for all my besties

for not being like, duh, and being very kind about it like hey you might consider that it was very sweet how they all said it but yes uh you are right and I and it's funny because Andrew you go that's the joke that's it and I go yeah that's it that's why it's brilliant but it wasn't it I was wrong but yeah I never would have went there all right let's get to uh this is from Steffi Ste Steffi Graf, maybe. I can see. Hi, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. My name's Steffi, and I was a huge fan of the You Up podcast.

So when the Nikki Glaser podcast started up, I was fucking stoked. I just wanted to share that cuh is like my favorite thing ever. It's like my new joy in life to share cuh with all my friends and go cuh at myself whenever I get a Facebook memory of an old status update. I feel like that's every single one of them is cuh. The thing I really wanted to call and share is that now whenever I hear

a song that has the word cool in it, my brain changes it to cuh and it gives me the best laugh for example this song with g-eazy she said that i'm cool i said yeah that's true i hear she said that i'm good dude it's true oh my god you think you're killing. The Mike Posner would be perfect. Steffi is so cute. First of all, I love the name Steffi.

I think that that is going to go on my list of names for daughters that I'll never have. It's a great name. Steffi, that is such a, I love the idea that this thing that I came up with in high school with my friends is like really people are using it and actually not trying to use it. They're just like naturally. That's the way to not be kuh it's got to be natural and organic that's what we strive for here and it's really fun when there are songs people are hearing the word kuh a lot of times like there is they're seeing it yeah i mean the one the ali lohan song that someone sent me that is in my phone now i mean i can't not play it because i put it on our

story and if in case you missed it you can go to nikki glazer pod on our instagram to send us dms and we'll maybe read those on listener mail or you can follow the link in our bio to leave us a voice memo and for all of you scared to leave a voice memo i've i've sensed that some people are like i'm so nervous i might sound dumb girl boy i sound dumb all the time on here we will never make fun of you never ever so you have nothing to worry about in that way but here is ali lohan lindsey lohan on it no i just i feel like i want to promise them i won't make fun of them to give them all the swells okay so this one was uh silent night which we all know the lyrics to Silent Night is all is calm, all is bright, right?

Okay, let's see what, let's see what, oh, sorry, this is Dina Lohan. Oh, yeah, this is actually, yeah, her mom. Okay, what the hell? Is she trying to say cool like she's changing the lyrics or is that her attempt at calm? I don't know. I think I hear an M at the end. I mean, it's...

I do think it's wild too. I mean, guys, what? Wait, that's her mom, not her sister? That voice sounds. It says by Dina Lohan, but the album is Allie Lohan. So I think this is Allie. This is her sister. And it's called Silent Night.

And you guys make sure we are going to really rock that song around Christmas time. But all is care. Who's listening to that song in June? I mean, I know. I mean, the girl who's listening to that song in june i mean i know i mean the girl who sent it to me i go babe what is happening that you listen to this and she gave me the whole like what happened how it got there and it made sense and it really i related to it of going down these wormholes where you're like how did i end up on ali lohan's christmas album in fucking may of 2021 and and you know what sometimes that's that's that should be like a

thing we say like you know listen it's fucking ally lohan's christmas album i don't know how i got there that should be a way of saying that um okay let's get to the next uh user uh listener mail this one is another voice memo which are i gotta be honest my favorite this is from emily hi hello hello nikki andrew what's up love you guys thank you so much this is mostly for nikki nikki oh my god looking so stunning shining like a fucking mirror ball you are the moment everyone's obsessed with you it's just it is what it is that's why i should pull you up on stage everyone's feeling you especially machine gun kelly uh laughing just a bit too hard to be sitting next to megan fox anywho thank you guys so much for everything you do it just made my vagina twitch laughing just a bit too hard to be sitting next to Megan Fox.

Anywho, thank you guys so much for everything you do. It just made my vagina twitch. That was too much. Okay, bye. Emily, thank you for saying what everyone is saying, which is the video I posted of me kind of stealing the microphone from Usher after he asked me to dance. I proceeded to make some jokes i

haven't even watched the video because i i didn't want to even look at what i said apparently you can't really hear it but if you do look in the background i posted on my instagram my own personal one uh you can see machine gun kelly laughing so hard which was just so generous of him because he knows that everyone's watching him and as someone and oftentimes when i'm in a crowd where you know, I see people know who I am and trust my sense of humor and what I think is cool. I will give people,

I will give extra to set a tone for the room. So that's what he did for me. And I even thanked him afterwards and said, legit, everyone laughed because you were laughing. Thank you so much. So it was really nice of him. And,

um, and thank you for saying I'm stunning and all those things. i keep getting messages of like you know from other comics being like you're blowing up right now you're so busy and the truth is i've never been less i'm busy but in the best way of like i'm only saying yes to things that are so fun i'm doing this podcast that i look forward to every day i rarely have dread in my life anymore. And that was not the case before COVID. And I'm very, very grateful that life has afforded me this life and that I'm very lucky.

And I love that you said I looked like a mirror ball because I posted a picture of myself in my green outfit from the iHeart Awards, which I felt ridiculous in because it felt too dressy and felt like I was trying to be something I wasn't. And I wrote, I'm a mirror ball because I knew that, and I wrote it all lowercase because I knew Swifties know that all lowercase is the waste.

It's a fashion egg, yeah. It's a fashion egg for Taylor Swift did folklore, and it was all in lowercase, like all the song titles in the album. And but what I wanted to say about those, I put I'm a mirror ball and I knew that I was referencing that because I felt that anyone that saw me in that dress, meaning a couple people that I think the girls that I think are going to talk shit about me and be like, she thinks she's hot.

Like, ew, like she's 37. Like, what's she trying to do? Stick to comedy. Why do you want to be perceived as hot? It's such a worry to you. In my head, I thought they were going to see it. And I needed some kind of, I didn't want to straight out say like, I'm a fraud as the caption, even though it would have been funny. Cause then it just, people go, no, you're not. And I just didn't want to ask for that. So I wrote, I'm a mirror ball because anyone who thinks I'm just like feeling myself goes, oh, she thinks she's a mirror ball and she looks glowy kind of like a mirror ball but if you look at the Taylor Swift lyrics of I am mirror ball the song is I am a

mirror ball and I thought maybe someone is like what does this mean and we'll look it up and so I google I am a mirror ball and oh I am a mirror comes up so ball you have to put in and then if you look at the lyrics I knew Swifties would get it some of them wrote uh to me in the comments and I was like oh good they get it but the song mirrorball I really relate to because it says I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight so like as a celebrity you try to like make people feel them like try to relate to them so you're just trying to be other people for other people and you're not really being yourself and it says hush when no one is around

my dear you'll find me on my tallest tiptoes spinning in my highest heels shining just for you um and then at the very end it says the the the bridges and they called off the circus burn the disco down when they sent home the horses and the rodeo clowns. So the circus is gone. It's at night. She goes, I'm still on that tightrope. I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me. I'm still a believer, but I don't know why.

I've never been a natural. That's my thing about Beyonce. All I do is try, try. I'm still on that trapeze. I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me. And then it says, because I'm a mirror ball. I have goosebumps because of these lyrics. I'm a mirror ball.

I'll show you every version of yourself tonight. And I just thought that was the perfect lyric to encapsulate how I felt. I looked beautiful like a mirror ball, but really what it's about is trying to be what people want me to be while also trying to feel good myself and having a problem with both of those feelings final thought i mean i uh am i ridiculous to feel lyrics this way i really want to know like my obsession with

taylor swift i i'm not trying to be i don. I don't think you're ridiculous. I think a lot of people, you know, I've heard, I've known lyrics to a song and have no idea what that song means. And you make me want to like understand lyrics more because I think there's a lot of people that can know the words to every song, like a whole song and literally never break it down. And how does it work? I, when I first listen to Taylor Swift songs, I don't go deep.

Yes. And then when I have an emotion that I go, wait a second, this song's kind of nailing it. That's when I go in and I go, oh my God.

There was a prime example. The other day, I was, one of my favorite Gaga songs, Noah, who looks like Lady Gaga so much that the other day, Andrew and I were watching Gaga on that

new Apple show where she talks about her rape which is fucking terrible and so brave of her and doesn't name the guy and says I know that I know that a lot of people think that I should name him and call him out but I just never want to ever think about him again and it was like oh that's really that's a thing I haven't heard yet really is a woman that says i this guy's still out there working and i don't want to fucking do it i can't do it i'm sorry i can only go this far and you can't make me name him and it's it's hard and i respect her for doing the naomi oh uh what's her last name okasana osaka osaka thing and being like no i have a boundary and i'm sorry it's not going to be beneficial for everyone, but this is where I stand on it.

However, Gaga has a song called A Million Pieces or A Million Reasons. I'm giving you a million reasons. Yeah, one of my favorite songs to sing. Carlisle and I were singing it the other day in the car with Ben Glebe on the way back. Because Carlisle, I wanted to pick a song that her and I really like jam out to

and uh and so i put that song on because we've done karaoke to it it's a great song my ex-boyfriend who loves slow ballads hated this song and i think that was the time i knew we were going to be done because i was like i love this song so much and you you purpose you like actually made a point to be like you know that new million reason song and i'm like yes i listen to it all the time he's like i've never hated a song more and i'm like we are not gonna make it i love that song it's so good and at the end of it but this is the best part about that song i have listened to that song thousands of times analyze the lyrics in a million ways and maybe you have too but it goes uh you're giving me a million reasons to let you go you're giving me a million reasons to let you go. You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show, which I used to always love because

when that song came out, I was doing Not Safe, my show on Comedy Central with my boyfriend. We started it together. Comedy Central said, hey, we might cancel it, but we might also just need to restructure the show. What do you want to do? And I didn't want to do the show anymore because my relationship was falling apart and I didn't want to make a show with a guy that I loved and wanted my relationship back.

I didn't want to keep working with him. And so I ended the show and I used to sing like, you're giving me a million reasons to quit the show. You're giving me a million reasons. So at the end of it, she's like,

I bow down to pray, try to get through. But, and then at the very end, she goes, wait, hold on. Let me just pull up the lyrics really quick. No, I'm so sorry. This is like a lyric dump.

But this was just one where I go, I thought I knew all the lyrics. And then I put together this thing that is so amazing that she did. So she goes, all she needs is one good reason to stay so she's begging this guy you're giving me a million reasons what just give me one yeah yeah if i had a highway i would run for the hills if you could find a driveway i'd forever be still like if you could get sober i'd forever be still but you're giving me a million reasons give me a million reasons giving me a million reasons about a million reasons i bow down to pray i try to make the worst seem better lord show me the way to cut through all this worn out leather i always say pleather because it makes it vegan um i'm just kidding she goes i've got a

hundred million reasons to walk away and then it's like but baby i just need one good one to stay so she needs one good reason to stay right but? But at the very end, she goes, I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away, but baby, I just need one good one, good one. Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one. Saying, I need a good one. I need a good reason. Then she goes, tell me that you'll be the good one, the good one. And then she goes, baby, I just need one good one to stay. And then at the end she says, baby,

I just need one good one to say, she's not talking about reasons anymore. She needs one good guy to stay. And it was like the one went from reason to the guy. And then the end being so sad. And she's just like saying to herself, she's like, I just need one. It's not that I need. And she's just like saying to herself, she's like, I just need one.

It's not that I need him to give me a good reason to stay that I stay. Really. I just need a guy to stay and I need to let someone good in instead of trying to change this guy who is giving me a million bad reasons. I don't need him. Even though I think I'm begging for him to say the right thing. Cause how often do we just wait for this person who we know isn't right to just change

when really you have to let that one go and be able to let the right one stay. And I just, I had epiphany and I go, holy shit, Carlisle, the end of that song is, I just need one good one to stay, like a good man. So that was a long way to get to that. But I just, those are ways that lyrics jump out of me another one is cardigan you put me on you put me on like a cardigan like

she's talking about she was discarded like a cardigan and then at the end he put you put me on and said i was your favorite she felt like an old cardigan but then he put her on and was like it's my favorite even though it's a worn cardigan But then Swifties alerted me to the fact that she goes, you put me on and said, I was your favorite. You put me on is another way of saying you lied to me. Oh, you put me on and said that you were going to be here at 10 when it's an old

turn of phrase for put me on is a way of saying lied to me. So this guy, she's celebrating that this guy finally came around and loved her but what but what she's really saying is you put me on and said i was your favorite because the song is one of the trilogies of the folklore album in which she's singing from the perspective of the girl who was cheated on by the the guy and uh the guy oh it comes back to her in the end and she was like i knew you'd come back to me but you put me on you it's just like those it's so hard to hear cardigan every time i hear cardigan i just think of dumb and dumber when the cop pulls him he goes pull over pull over and he's like no no it's a cardigan because he thinks he's saying polyester funny so every

time i hear car i can't it's one of those moments in a movie that if you hear that word because you never hear that you don't hear cardigan that much well so it takes me there which is just someone asked me the other day when i was checking into a hotel it did my car didn't scan can i see your cardigan and i go this is actually a sweatshirt i literally did that yeah i was like it sounds like you said cardigan and they were like um debitor credit do you want to get to a point though where it's like you could just post yourself in a hot green dress and not even think about those six or seven comics or whatever people that are in your head no because i have the bo burnham thing of like I need to call out what's really going on here.

And it's that I... But isn't that... But the point is, is you don't need to call it out because calling it out is just another way of... I want people to know that I'm aware. Just like the thing of burping. I know. I need you to know that I know.

I hope we... I don't know. I want to get to a place where I don't even need those people to know that I know because I do know. Yeah, it's complicated. Just keep living authentically and just do your best and that's all and have a great weekend I'll miss you guys I'll miss doing this thank you so much for being here and uh for taking us in leave us voice memos I love hearing your voices uh listen to puddles that's Andrew's podcast if you want more of us watch our old videos on youtube um you know subscribe rate and review we we really appreciate any way you spread the

podcast to your friends and tell them about it keep using k and uh thank you so much besties thank you noah for a great week of shows birthday week i'm doing a birthday year by the way hey let's do it it's everyone's birthday year if you really way. Hey, let's do it. It's everyone's birthday year, if you really think about it. Everyone could be like, it's my birthday year. Because we're all coming out of coves. Yeah, and because everyone has one birthday a year. Unless you're a Leap baby. Shout out to the Leap babies, February 29th, great day.

And you never age, because every four years you turn one year. Right? Okay. Okay. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel.

And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show. app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story.

Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.