The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #440 Kicking People Out of IG Live, Bad Manners at Restaurants, Dimly Lit Places, Interacting with Nieces and Nephews

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

Nikki and Brian talking about kicking out close friends out of Instagram Live. It comes from a loving place. Conversation of restaurant manners arises and each shares their own experience dealing with people who have outrageous expectations. We get updates on Producer Noa and her baby. Plus, what's up with dimly lit restaurants? Both discuss nieces and nephews and setting up expectations with them. How much can we lie to them? Final thought: perfectionism is a disease.  Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Welcome to the show. I'm Nikki Glaser. Brian Frangie is with us. What's up, Brian? I'm doing all right. Yeah. I was watching you on the Nicky Glazer podcast live on Instagram. Oh, yeah.

I didn't watch. You spotted me? I said, get out of here. Get the fuck out of here, Brian. Get out of here. And I did. You got no business in here. Yeah, I kick people out of those Instagram lives all the time. Anya, I was playing guitar with Anya backstage one night. in here um yeah i kick people out of those instagram lives all the time um so anya i was

doing one like playing guitar with anya backstage one night and kyle dunn again came into the chat oh boy and um i just he's like he's musically talented and he's just comedically like he's just i just don't want him to see this side of me like yeah playing taylor swift song like it's just confusing to people who don't get it and they go oh, oh, I want to see what Nicki's up to. And it's like, what is she doing? So you don't get to watch. And so I blocked him. I kicked him out. And Anya could not believe it.

And I just said, sorry, Kyle. You got to go. It's not even an insult. It means I respect you too much. Not that I don't respect the other people in the room. But, like, everyone kind of knows what they're in for. Yeah, when a bestie goes in for the live, they know what they're going to see.

They want to see that. They know that side of you. when kyle dunnigan goes in and it's like what the fuck who is this person he's like i love him and sometimes i let him stay because i know he doesn't judge me and he's just like a lovely man and a good friend but i just it's just sometimes you don't need to see certain sides of your friends yeah like i just i don't need to see like you know you don't like to see the side of your friend that gets in an argument with their spouse yeah it's not a good side or with their parents yep like when they start acting like a child like or the way like i have like one friend who's like rude to waiters and waitresses otherwise he's a really lovely person and i'm so weird and i because i this person's in my life

and i want them in my life i just have to like not go to dinner with them or if i do go to dinner i kind of have to like run things so that you have an example without giving their identity away like what happened something just like just looking for trouble looking for something to complain about. Looking for... And here... Okay, this is not related to that person. But I am 100% over something that people do all the time. And people are going to come at me for having an opinion about this. People are...

And I've done it before, too. So, I'm telling you, I've done it before, too. I'm going to slam everyone right now so hard. Okay, if you go to a restaurant and maybe we've covered this before because i think carlisle initially told me about this because carlisle did a um a reel about working in a really fine dining restaurant and when people ask the server like what they recommend she's like i can't afford anything here i've taken nibbles of stuff off plates when i'm starving because i'm working a double but like i don't

get to eat we maybe ate it once in the beginning of working here but like it's like stop here's the thing not only do i do i think that they don't know everything on the menu so they're a dumb person to ask they literally have different desires and needs than you your waiter when you ask a different person right they're not you can ask your waiter is what what is popular here that yeah what's popular but i don't like when i mean i guess i've done it before i just think every time consulting the waiter like it's like a thing you do it's kind of like part of your routine with the waiter is like to seem cool or to seem nice. That's it.

Okay. What is it? If you're really struggling with what to get, ask the waiter. But if it is part of like this kind of ploy that you don't even know you're doing to get the waiter to like you or to have some kind of rapport, like I'm one of you. Like, so what do you get here like it's it's really strikes me as wasting everyone's time including your waiter who doesn't give a fuck about what your dietary needs are or like no one's interested in hearing like well I do have this thing like I my friend Kirsten is going to feel attacked right now because she does alert everyone of her mango thing and it's a mango

thing she has a mango allergy that her lips will swell up and look like Homer Simpson if she eats mango. Homer Simpson lips? She's vigilant about it. I don't view Homer Simpson as having big lips. Well, like that big, like the big mouth he has. Okay, she gets the big mouth. The big brown mouth? Yeah, I don't eat.

Well, it's not brown. It's like, you know, whatever color Homer is. Yellow? Well, Homer's mouth is tan. It is? Oh, okay. Because he's got a five o'clock shadow. I don't think Homer Simpson lips, the whole mouth. But everyone knows what we're talking about, like the puffy mouth.

Yes, okay, got it. His mouth extends out. The whole thing and not just the lips. Yes. Well, I think she's just saying like her lips do that, what his face looks like, is what I would guess she would be saying. But, um,

no, she can be pretty vigilant about like, is there's mango back there. Is there like, so, um, I do have an allergy and I'm just like, Kirsten,

all you have to say is you have an allergy. You don't have to be like, well, my lips like swell up. Like they don't need to know like what happens. Like just allergy across the board is going to like make them know enough. And, and then she always finds out that there's mango in a drink that's being

served only at the bar counter. And then she goes, Oh, that's okay. That's fine. And then she's like, Oh, and she totally is fine with it.

But it's like, that's always what happens is like the mango, but not always. She has to be vigilant. I get it. She doesn't want her lips to blow up, but I do feel that sometimes, and this is not related to to kirsten it's not related to the person being rude sometimes people try to be buddy buddy with their wait waitress or waiter and i would like to hear for

some waiters or waiters waitresses how that feels but when i was doing it i was kind of like i don't give a fuck what you're getting and how long it's taking you to decide and you going hmm and i'm like i gave you first of all i already came out to your table to give you your waters and i said do you want to order now and i gave you more time then i went back and you said you needed more time so if you couldn't come up with in eight minutes let's say eight minutes at the least looking at the menu what you want and everyone else at your table has there's something wrong with you yeah where people just go they get to you the waiter just gets to them and they let everyone else go in front of them and they still are going

and i know people relate to this i know because every almost everyone in my life is like this and this is why i'm so annoyed by it and i think i used to be a little bit like it until i realized nikki no one needs to hear your inner monologue about like, oh, but I just had this yesterday. And sometimes cheese makes my stomach hurt. And I do want to go to bed. And this time that amount of sugar will keep me up. It's like no one cares. Not even people at your table who might love you care, let alone the waitress.

You know what you got to do in those situations? You just order. And then they go last. Because if it's going in an order circle and they're like, okay, I'm last. Then that signals to them, okay, they have to make a decision, but they have quote unquote some time. So this is an acceptable scenario. They always go last. I'm talking about they go last and they're still hemming and hawing.

It goes all the way around the circle and they don't just go, oh, oh, oh. And then it'll get to them and they'll still hem and haw. Really? Usually when I put someone in that situation, they go, oh, the fish. like oh fuck i hate the fish why did i order the fish and it's like whatever is that too whatever i what i say when you're dining with me because i if i'm for dining i'm usually getting the bill it's just gonna happen with me and my friends i say get them both save me this conversation that i witnessed take the other one home for leftovers i would rather you get what you want and not have a dinner regretting and be and not liking your meal

and picking at it just get lots of things if you don't know because i enjoy people around me being comfortable and not like hungry or not pretending they're not oh like oh i just i don't know i'm not hungry anymore even though they don't like their, but they're too scared to say it because they don't want to send it back. Let's just all get a bunch of shit. Let's just be comfortable. You know what I do? Because I have, you know, I'm very picky eater, I guess.

I'll look at the menu before I go to the restaurant. In fact, if I don't like the menu at the restaurant, I might not go to the restaurant at all. I look at a menu too, but I kind of sometimes, if I know it's the type of food I'm going to like, I like to be surprised when I get there. And by the way, I do not know what I'm going to order until the waiter comes to me. And then I, I'm not kidding you. I'll be deciding between like five things, maybe even more. Cause I'm getting like, I usually get five things.

I get like appetizers. And when the waiter comes, I literally sit down at the table. I kind of look over. If it's a sushi restaurant or a Thai restaurant, stop looking. You know what you get. You should, it's all the same. The menus are all the same, you guys. They're all the same.

So I just pick up the menu when it's my time. And I go, those, this, and I guess if I was only ordering one thing, it would be more of a struggle. And I'm talking from a place of privilege where I can get multiple things if i go out to dinner but just you're also a vegan so half the menu is eliminated that's a good point yeah that is a good point i can't imagine looking at meat and being like that looks good i can't it's just so insane to me that anyone is like oh a steak like yeah i just don't get it but people love it and but yeah that is nice a whole like if i just see anything it's just like it doesn't even exist on the menu the menu becomes very small okay that's a good point maybe the whole menu that you don't

speaking from a place of but i but generally i think these people are choosing between two things and i don't want them to have to ask the waiter what they get. Waiting around, like hemming and hawing about the menu is an indecisive person. But that's not rude to waiters. So what's the rude example? Rude is just... What's something that would be rude? Your friend, your rude friend who sucks.

Just... It's not even rude. It's like actually nice. They always have like a nice smile. But they're just complaining about everything and i am someone also who will complain about ambience who will complain about sound by the way chris and i were at tokaya the other day yeah and by the way everywhere in la is dark or loud oh yeah sometimes both it is you can either literally i'm not kidding you the restaurant we

went to katara where was that? That was in Times Square of Hollywood. But that should have had some lights. It should have been more Midwestern. It was dark and there was a DJ. And it was almost like we were in a club. I told them to turn it down and they did slightly. I go, well, you turn it down in a way

that no one will notice. But like my eardrums won't be bleeding during this meal. Because everywhere has to be loud that's why everyone has bad vocal cords because they're screaming over stuff it's constant screaming and then everything's dark and we went to i went to so many restaurants with my parents when they were in la they couldn't see the menu they all had to get out their flashlights we asked for more candles and they go we have one candle per table And it was just like what is this

Every restaurant in LA Is like a haunted house It's just people screaming in the dark Trying to find food They have knives And your food has like foam on it And like wild berries and flowers And you need to eat around that shit

Like if the food is that intricate And not just a plate of mac and cheese I can see eating mac and cheese in the dark I feel like Golden Cor and cheese in the dark. Like I feel like golden corral. It's the dark. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you're eating a golden corral anyway,

it should be dark. It's like the, the fancier the place, the darker it is. You should be proud. And cause you're, you're rich. But you're eating something that has like 18 layers with all this.

Like you're supposed to look at the food. Like that's part of what's beautiful about food. And like a culinary skill is making it look beautiful you can't see fucking anything in these places no and i'm calling you out i'm calling you out nobu i'm calling you out koi i'm calling you out where did we go takaya no uh no katana katsuya katsuya great great food like amazing food amazing service uh the ambiance is incredible turn up the lights what are you trying to prove what is going on why it makes you look hotter on a date okay everyone's hot in la that's going to those restaurants everyone's hot they want to be seen i i'm someone who like i don't turn off the lights in bed because I'm like I'm hot I want to see myself

Like I'm never someone who's like I'm embarrassed in fact I'm I have a naked picture in PETA today And I don't care at all It's uh yeah it just came out this morning On Instagram today's Wednesday For us and um And I don't care at all I want to be seen

Why is everything dark I don't like it I don't Like at all. I want to be seen. Why is everything dark? I don't like it. I don't like the dark restaurants. And yeah, the thing I'm talking about is just being. So I will tell a restaurant to, if we can have more candles. But I'm really nice about it. I know it's not the server's fault. But there's just wanting to be like, just a rudeness of thinking. It's the same kind of rudeness where when people mad is taking pictures for me for after the shows at meet and greets when people go um shoot it higher

doesn't this guy know the angles and i'm like he's a person that you just handed your phone to and who's not you didn't pay him to do this. And like, I guess you paid for the experience to meet me, but he ain't part of it. Treat him nicely. And even if you are paying him, what are you yelling at him for? It's so weird. It's so weird. And then there's this thing. Oh my God.

People check yourselves, dude. There is this thing that has been happening to me recently. It's happened to me twice. Where, and i think we had to go to break at some point but where um i will be with a guy friend and then i will come across a guy who might like think think i'm hot shit either because he's romantically interested in me or career just you know status know, status interested, right? And my friend will not have the same status as me, let's just say.

They're a friend that might not have any connections to the business whatsoever. And it's a male, it's always a male friend. And then if this male senses any kind of threat, but it's not like they would never do this to Chris. Like if it's my boyfriend, they wouldn't do it. But if they're a guy and it's not my boyfriend, it's just a male friend, they'll be fucking rude to him. And I really got to say,

they start kind of throwing him under the bus and it's like the gall of this kind of person to think that I am going to suddenly be enchanted by someone who comes over and starts blocking out my friend. First of all, like stepping in front of them. Like they're not in the conversation. Yeah.

Like almost like treating them like, yeah, they're not part of the conversation. Yeah. Is this like at a party or who is this other person? One time it was at an event. One time it was at like an, uh, uh, uh, industry event and I was with a friend and my friend was like my date you know yeah and they meet both me and my friend and they kind of know my friend through a person and they all have a moment and then this person starts talking to me and they just start to start stepping almost in front of my friend as if he's not in the conversation too yeah and i later said

to my friend i'm so sorry what the fuck i like thought i liked that guy but he is a bona fide asshole yeah my friend's like no that happens all the the fuck? I thought I liked that guy, but he is a bona fide asshole. And my friend's like, no, that happens all the time. That's like what men do to each other. That's a Hollywood move. Well, he's not even Hollywood, my friend. He was like, that's just what men do to each other when they're threatened. Wow. But the other guy was Hollywood. The one that came into the conversation?

Yeah. I mean, that to me, I've seen that happen. I mean, it probably happens in every industry where there's like jostling for power or whatever, but I've seen it so like the people look through you. They look through you. They're looking for the next person and if they get into a situation where they can talk to someone like you, they will

completely, it's unbelievable. They'll completely cut out anyone else or try to at least. And then you kind of have to like jostle back into place. It's so weird. It's so immature and insecure too yeah that's the problem with it is that i see when it happens with someone that i'm like oh i'm excited to see this person and introduce them to my friend and then they do that i go well we're not friends anymore

because i'm not friends with people that would ever like strong arm someone or think they're cooler than not only anyone my friend this is my friend that you just met i'm here with him and you're going to like oh it it really irritates me and then it makes me so sad because my friend isn't who i thought they were and they're a person that does that and it's just like kid they're so good they think i'm suddenly gonna be like oh my god this guy is like so alpha dog that he just alpha'd my friend he just met who I actually chose to be here with. And this person who I didn't choose to be here with. Oh, my God.

You're looking way cooler now. Like, it is the dumbest move. It will never, ever work. I can't even believe it exists in the world I live in. But it's happened twice to me. And there was another guy who was who he the first guy was just not trying to fuck me. But the second guy was. And he asked my friend are are like are you guys

together and i was like no that's my friend and then he just starts like saying these digs at my friend like and the guy's drunk so i'll give him that but he's just digging like and like insult and i just go hey and then i don't want my friend to feel like a bitch by me defending him bitch that you're defending yeah but i'm also I'm also like, what the fuck? And so I just let it slide because later on I'm going to be like, he sucks and we all know it. And that's what happened. Yeah, well, no, because I also would have been like,

if he would have stood up to this guy and been like, hey man, I would have been like, don't make this a thing. Like, let's just all get through this and roll our eyes. Can you stop? Can you please stop undermining me? Yeah, like sometimes we all just kind of agree. That's the ultimate Can you stop? Can you please stop undermining me? That would be so weird. Sometimes we all just have to agree. That's the ultimate cuck move.

It's to call out the aggressor? To be like, can you stop undermining me? I can't imagine. The only thing he could do is two options there. He can ignore the guy and then just be like,

and let it be, wash over him. Or he could beat him up. Both options are terrible. No, it wasn't that, it wasn't bad enough for a beat up. It might have been bad enough for a call out.

But this guy was so ridiculous. Like we both kind of agreed we're just going to laugh at him. So that was the right call. But yeah, this this stuff needs to be called out. And women, you should never be attracted to someone who would ever treat anyone you're with like less than because they want to fuck you. It is not a sign that they like, like you more than that. Like they're willing to fight for you. It's like really antisocial and a red flag.

All right. More with, uh, more with me and Brian on this show. When we get back. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio

app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. is, the less shame you should feel for eating the food and it's darker. When I'm eating two Chick-fil-A sandwiches, I want that to be dark. I want to be in the corner of a basement eating my... I get two Chick-fil-A sandwiches and a filet and I dip it in the ranch sauce. I should be in the dark in a basement eating that.

Instead, you go to Nobu, you're eating fine, fresh fish prepared by a Michelin star chef and they make it dark. It should be the reverse. It really should. That's such a good point. There should be really aggressive, harsh, you know, what's it called? The worst lighting.

That is the tubes. Yeah, the tubes. Oh, God. I forgot also. We both forgot. Office linoleum. Oh, my God. Fluorescent Yeah good job

Oh my god Whoa I can't believe I did word association I feel like if you Pulled a thousand people Only two out of those thousand Would not be able to Come up with that word

And we were just On the same podcast together We don't work in offices That's true If you work in an office Fluorescent is like Top of mind Because it's like

The worst thing I mean I've been I've worked in an office before And the fluorescent lighting fucks with you really yeah it's sensitive it's bright at least you're aware of what fucks with you yeah well so speaking of so i went to the doctor yesterday um while and i while i was waiting on the doctor i was listening to some beautiful guitar music yeah and then i kicked you out yeah um uh so i have to but the doctor says i have to get my gallbladder removed yeah just another thing added on top of all my problems why i'm sorry i'm smiling that's such a weird thing to get i'm not a garbage bin you just hit nikki oh my god

wait why do you have to get your gallbladder removed? I'm so sorry. Well, this year I've had three attacks. And this is, you know, I'm just giving this information because maybe someone else out there listening has had their gallbladder removed or they maybe need to have their gallbladder removed. My mom had her gallbladder removed. So it's like in the family. But I had three attacks this year where I ate like a decent size meal the night before, went to bed and then woke up in excruciating pain. And did I, I told you the Indy story when I was in Indianapolis. Yeah.

I thought I got food poisoning. Oh yeah. And the toilet was clogged in a shitty hotel. And so I had to puke into the tub next to my toilet. And that, I thought that was food poisoning, but it maybe wasn't food poisoning. It might've been. It was your gallbladder.

My gallbladder. Because it also happened on New Year's Eve, and then it also happened two days ago. God, what does your gallbladder do? I mean, yours isn't doing anything, but what does it normally do? The gallbladder stores bile. So it is a... Oh, shit. Yeah, so the gallbladder is kind of like the appendix in that it's, it's like number two and uselessness.

It's not quite totally useless, but it's pretty close to being useless. It's like, you don't need it. We are going to probably in a couple thousand years, probably not have one. Right. Yeah.

And a couple thousand. And so if you get it taken out, it's like not a huge deal, but it is like a surgery under anesthesia and stuff. So what is it going to, is it going to cure this stomach issue you have? Hopefully. Yeah.

Um, but the pain. So two days ago I ate a decadent meal at a dark restaurant and I, with my wife and that night I felt like such shit, but I didn't feel like I was in pain. I, you know how you eat like just like a greasy or heavy, it wasn't greasy either.

Just eat like a lot of food and then you just feel kind of like, Ooh, I felt like that. I went to sleep. I woke up woke up in the middle of night excruciating pain not an uncommon feeling for me i've experienced ibs symptoms and all this stuff for my entire life but then i got rid of it thanks to sarno-esque type uh thinking away the pain but i haven't had a stomach issue for five years god so they're back so but this year three times within the last five months i've had a stomach issue that caused me to vomit profusely which is something that i have never done i've i haven't thrown up in 25 years and now i've thrown up on three different occasions this year and the pain is excruciating and And so I was in pain two nights ago for 16 straight hours.

I could not get over it. And I was like thinking. Did you take anything? Like an Advil or something? You can't take Advil. That's bad for your stomach. You have to take like Mylanta, Pepsid, Tums. And you were doing that stuff?

I took Pepsid and Tums. And Mylanta did absolutely nothing. It felt like it made things worse. But I was in so much pain that I was like, I feel like this is what childbirth is like. And I didn't want to be like, oh, I know what, I'm a man, I have no idea. But then, my

friend's sister had her gallbladder removed and she has three children. And she said, I asked him, I was like, what did she say? And she said, unprompted. Worse than childbirth. She said, get the gallbladder removed. I feel much better now.

It's worth it. And also, the pain of, I would put the pain of a gallbladder attack is almost as, no, she said, I want to say exactly what she said, because I want the women to know out there who've had... No, we don't think... It's possible for a man to experience pain. And by the way, I want to just say as a woman who's never having kids, I would like to have the right to be able to say that something is as painful as childbirth.

Just because I'm like a man too. I'm never going to experience it. So I believe there are pains worse than childbirth pains and the fact that it lasted for 16 hours that's why i was comparing it to labor right right right did you have contractions of it or was it i was i was like i was thinking just breathe just breathe and i kept doing deep breathing to try to get through was ali like rubbing your back like what is she doing during this like being in pain this long by yourself is awful she had no idea she was asleep in the other room what 16 hours you were asleep for um well well she was she went to work so i was in bed and she went to work well i was in bed i don't remember what the timeline was yeah i don't

remember what the time no yeah it was 16 hours no because it was sunday she was just asleep she sleeps until 2 p.m on the weekends okay so this person's sister said she said the pain of the gallbladder attacks was as bad as labor i wouldn't wish it on anyone and i felt so vindicated for my feeling because i was like yes i knew it was that bad it was so bad so when are you getting this removed yeah it was so painful and i couldn't do anything about it the only solution i could think of was to run so i just started running around town in pain in the middle of the night or on this was in the morning this early morning i just started running because running was really distracting and i thought like maybe it would help me like digest whatever's happening faster and also just just get everything moving.

Get the blood flowing. And so I ran for like 30 minutes. Yeah, because if your body is moving and distracted, maybe you won't feel it. Holy shit. I'm so sorry, man. I still feel queasy and not right. When are you having the surgery? So first I have to get an ultrasound

to show that I have gallstones and maybe I don't. Maybe it's something else. I don't know. So I have an ultrasound next week. And then... So they're thinking it's gallstones like kidney stones but for your... For your gallbladder. Yeah.

That's what they say. Kidney stones are horribly painful. Yeah. It only matches the same. I went to the doctor that's what they say kidney stones are horribly painful yeah it can only match the same i went to the doctor and he said like you have a gallbladder problem because he's like we we should have filmed this doctor's appointment because it should be shown to medical students to show them what a textbook definition of someone presenting and then he pushed on my stomach he did a manual exam i was laying on the table he pushed on my stomach he pushed on the gallbladder and i'm a guy like if i get a massage i want them to destroy me there's nothing you can do that will i'll say that's not yeah i'm like get in that gall

yeah and he pushed down on my gallbladder and i could not help but scream wince i was like ah and he's like that hurt you and I was like yeah and then he pushed on the other side and he said this is the same pressure and I was like I don't even feel that and he's like and they pushed on the gallbladder definitely something's up so I have an issue it could be inflamed it could but it could be gallstones that and the solution to that is to get it removed and And then hopefully I'll feel better. But it's just another. I mean, how many surgeries have you had on your ass alone? Oh, my ass alone?

Well, like you had the surgery alone on your ass. Six on your ass. Any others? Balls. Balls. Laparoscopic surgery on my balls. Any other? I mean, I had in the last two years i've had um

three teeth extracted which were not fun just like a minor it's kind of a surgery and i've got a gum graft were you under jesus christ so now i don't know what so that's a question i was like i would love to do the gum graft and the and the uh gallbladder removal at the same time because then i'm just like i was just at my facialist talking about when i was gonna do some laser treatments and the downtime is eight days and i go i can't there's no time where i'm not on stage or on camera for eight days it just isn't gonna happen and i really don't understand where people have any time to have plastic surgery which all these women have in hollywood i want to know where Emily Blunt went

and I want to know what she did. And I want to know the timeline and I want to know where she went and healed. And that's not calling her out. It's just stating the obvious that that is a beautiful face and I want it. You gotta plan for it. I mean, you did it with your vocal cords. It's gotta be a way to get it. You went a whole month without talking.

But that was like, under the guise of like, this is emergency. Like I'm not gonna be able to talk. I'm not gonna be able to perform. But it really, if I won't be able to perform if I don't get a facelift. I truly won't. I'll be so sad. But yeah, I feel like the running thing is really interesting.

I went running two days ago because I was in mental anguish and I just couldn't deal with it. And I was just like, okay, I just couldn't deal with it. And I was just like, okay, I just have to like tire myself. Like I just need to do something to distract it. So I do think that a lot of times it's the best. And I usually go running just for exercise and for fresh air.

But the other day I was just like, I just need to burn because I had already done a Pilates class that day. That was really hard. It was one of those like intense plunk i call it plunk p-l-n-k classes that makes you want to die several times through it but i still didn't i was still like i can't be alone with these i've tried to pick up a book and maybe get into that but like sometimes your thoughts are just like won't go away so you have to like when i run i can feel like i i don't ruminate as much yeah because i'm focused on like how exhausted i am yeah and pushing through do you listen to anything

when you're running oh the whole time taylor swift no no and other stuff too just like i love i love running to music it makes me feel like it's my probably my second favorite way to listen to music uh first is uh in a car, driving. Maybe running is number one, though. But those are my two. No fucking way. I love running to music. That's better than car music?

Sometimes. Singing in your car? You're in a box where you can sing as loud as you want. Oh, I sing when I run. And nobody judges. Oh, you just run around town singing? Well, if there's someone I'm coming across, I stop singing. They get close.

But you can see kind of around you. And if someone's behind me, that's their fault. What about in their house or something? Well, my thing is I don't want people to think that I'm trying to sing. So they think that I'm trying to be like, I have a good voice. So if I'm singing and someone comes in the gym i'm not that embarrassed because i don't think they think i was doing it for them they know i was just doing this alone anyway yeah if that makes any sense i think for most people that would be more embarrassing

to know you were caught oh yeah the embarrassing thing to me is not like because actually singing while you're running is so fun but it's more embarrassing to be like i think i have a beautiful voice i'm gonna sing like you know how some people just like sing in public and like hum and you know that they like think they sound good and they're just trying to show off or am i being really negative my wife does that she hums all the time and she's no she's not someone that does that i'm talking about people who know there's a difference some people just hum yeah just like pass the time and sing to themselves it's like a soothing it's so it's like it's something that their mother probably did i guess i'm thinking about crazy people

like literal crazy people who are you're like they're singing to themselves in public and that happens once in a while at the airport once in a but on the train in new york lots or in public in in la homeless people i'm i guess that's what homeless people trying to busk i'm having trouble picturing someone just like impromptu singing on the subway train because they think they sound good unless they're like a homeless person busking or okay yeah i don't know i'm kind of mixing ideas here, but I do know that some people, I don't know, like I think that some people when they're working out or like singing in their car

and you're in the car with them, they're like trying to sound really good. Oh, so that I can relate to is being in the car and then trying. Can't I also try to sound good for myself and you're in the car and you don't think that I'm trying to sound good for you? Because I try to sound good all the time. like i'm always working at sounding the best yeah

that's why i don't want people to be around when i sing because i don't want them to think that i'm think i'm cool right well now i'm a culprit of what you're describing in the car like if we're listening to a song in the car and we're singing i do sing i try to sing a little bit better yeah or especially if it's like a song I know all the lyrics to. And I'm like, I'm going to prove that I know everything. I think we all do it. And then I mess up a lyric and I'm like, I'm so embarrassed. I want to jump out of the car and roll around.

Because you were so confident in hitting that lyric. Oh, God, we've all done that. Just the way you is. Oh, fuck. Yes. Yes. Fuck. No, I know it's R.

I know it's R. No. The other person probably thinks you're a piece of shit after that and they go yeah they know billy you're a fan yeah um they got a gun yeah that's was a big fear of at swifty concerts it's like oh god like because everyone's like oh my god what if i don't know the lyrics and i'm like i don't as someone who i know my swiftiness could not be stronger i wouldn't want it to be I don't know many lyrics to many songs and that's okay and I'm a lyric head once I will learn the lyrics once I really really care about a song and have a romance with it but it's not it's it's impossible for me to do all the songs in fact if you get the lyric wrong it makes

people feel better because they're like oh I'm a little better than this person because i knew that lyric and she did it but i do love knowing lyrics it's oh yeah it's fun when i'm like learning new ones it's it's a good experience i'm like it's like such a meaningless skill to have too it's like it doesn't mean anything to know the lyrics no it's taking up space in your brain that could be for other things you could be learning science or spanish or something or that mexico is not in south america yeah yeah found that out the hard way oh my god by googling it wait did you get questioned that on a show you're recently no i just like think it came up once and i was like i don't know if mexico is in north or south amer. I literally think it's in South America because it's Mexico. You know, like you just are like...

Right? Like North America is just Canada and US. Like it just feels... We're white. What? I thought North America was white. Honestly, maybe my brain was thinking that kind of. And not that I think it shouldn't be more... I wish it were more brown. I don't give a fuck.

It's just, it, that's the way my, but, um, that was a really dumb one for me to learn late in life. I felt. Oh yeah.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to implant a bunch of those things into my niece. So like one thing I do to my niece is I'll tell her wrong information. Like, but information that just doesn't matter. Uh, like I'll be like the, the, the, um, the, uh, Why? But information that just doesn't matter. I'll be like, what's the president face? Mount Rushmore is in Montana.

That's not good. She's going to be on some trivia show someday and be like, I know this because my uncle cemented it in my head. She trusted me. I also, for the first two years of her life, only whenever I saw her, I'd wear oven mitts. And I told her that I said, I have an issue with my hands and I, uh,

I'm embarrassed about my hands. So I wear oven mitts all the time. This is not what you did. Yeah, no, I literally did that. No, you didn't.

Yeah. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. It was a joke. Okay. Wait, no, I literally did that. No, you didn't. About two years. Yeah. No, you didn't. Yeah. No, you didn't. It was a joke. Okay. Wait, no, it was a joke that you just said that you did that? Or you actually wore oven mitts around your niece?

The joke, really? If I'm going to... It's for my... The oven mitts around my niece was for everyone around my niece. So every time you saw her, you would wear oven mitts. And how often were you seeing her? Not very often. It would be like a couple times a year. So she just thought maybe you had just some crazy no she didn't think

anything because she's a baby it was the first two years of her life are were you scared of like touching her and getting germs too i was no i wouldn't even be with her i'd be on the on facetime or something and i'd be like oh uncle brian has oven mitts on and it doesn't matter because she's not gonna remember that it was more like a bit for my brother. Okay. Yeah. Did they like it? Everyone thought it was weird.

Yeah. It is weird. I don't even know why it's supposed to be funny. But that's. I don't know either. I mean, I just. And how did you. Were you getting on a FaceTime at one point?

We're like, I'll just put on these. The very first time I had oven. Okay. So this is the origin of it. The very first time I had oven okay so this is the origin of it the very first time i had oven mitts on when because the first time i ever met her facetime okay that makes sense okay so that starts from that point on i was like well i'm wearing because i was i was cooking something and i had oven mitts on and it's like oh uncle brian oven mitts and i said at that time now this makes more sense to me yes at the time i was like

i always wear oven mitts because I have a... Tell Isla I have a problem with my hand. I'm very self-conscious about my hands. That's funny. That's funny. So then from that point on, I kept the bit going for about two years. And then, you know, eventually I saw her enough times where I was like, I can't wear oven mitts for all of Thanksgiving. To this barbecue.

Yeah. To grandma's funeral. Yeah. And the Montana thing, I would say, she doesn't know what any of those words mean. At least not yet and so I mean we lied to them about Santa Claus why not throw in you know so now that she's getting older

instead of telling her lies about things I tell her the truth the brutal truth yeah I try to I've tried been trying to do that lately too we'll talk about more niece and nephew stuff. Cause I have a thing. I saw them last night and I have a thing to talk about when we get back.

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Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So yeah, like, I'm not gonna have kids. I'm really sure of that, especially now that I just feel like my life is all kind of coming together in a way. I really like it. And I really just am liking life.

And so maybe I might do a Hoda Kotb and like adopt a kid in my 50s, but who knows. But I did see my niece and nephew last night because my other nephew was sleeping i went over there and they kept asking me why are you here that was a question i got a lot they are seven and five why are you here um because i was supposed to meet their mom out for dinner but then i decided i was like bored and so i was like i'll just come over and hang out and i'll pick you up and so when i got there they were confused a lot of why are you here's and then um they also my my uh brother-in-law matt told me that they have been bullying um my sister and brother-in-law and my both my parents

for why aren't they famous because they are mad that that like they showed them on me on tv and now arlo is like why are you guys famous like it's not enough like he wants his parent like his parents are failing him now that they're not famous like he's understanding what money and fame are in a way um so i thought i got the text message from my sister and i i gotta admit i felt kind of cool like he is like thinks he kind of unders understands what i do is cool which makes me feel good because usually they just don't care at all and i'm just dying for them to think i'm cool yeah so i went over there thinking like they're gonna talk about me being famous because the last time i saw them i wasn't this famous

and they didn't care at all why are you here and then um and they do you have presents for us and i go no i don't have presents for you because we've done this new thing where we're like not giving them presents anymore because i used to just give them presents every time you had a trunk they're in they're obsessed with presents and so even if you might have one they keep obsessively talking about it the whole time you're there once they open it they instantly want another one it's not enough so we've just said like the other presents. The other side of the coin. Man, the other shoe has dropped on this one. Yeah.

And so they're kind of understanding it. But Poppy did say, do you have a present for us? And I said, no, no more presents. I'm just coming up. Isn't my presence enough? And she didn't understand that because she has no hominins. A presence is a present. Kiss my ass.

That's a Kanye lyric. Oh, that's yeah. And then so I go, you know what why you've never given me a present why is it just like get you just get get get like you're a kid that's why i tell the kids lies and i wear oven mitts around them because they don't they don't deserve anything give me a present poppy i go next i will give you a present if you give me presents and i was like teach her a lesson and i know you don't have any money. I said,

but you can make things. I was like, you can make things. And she was like, I don't know how to make things. And I go, yes, you do make a card,

draw some shapes on it, and then send me a message about how you feel about me. And she's like, I don't know how to write that. I go, tell your mommy what you want to tell me and then put it in a card. And she was like, okay. And then I'm going to do it now. And I was like, no, just tell me and then put it in a card and she was like okay and then i'm gonna do it now and i was like no just spend time with me now make a card later

and she was like no i want to do it now so she goes off and makes a card and i got a card that said nikki thank you so much for coming over ps why are you here oh my god it just said nikki thank you for coming over and it was nice but now i now I owe her a gift. Now you owe her a gift. But I think that is good. There's a bartering system now. You're going to give her a pony. Yeah, so I got to go buy her a gift because she's graduating tonight from preschool. I have to go to a preschool graduation in a park. You see, this is exactly why I tell my niece that Mount Rushmore is in Montana.

She won't graduate. It teaches them, yeah, she won't graduate. I'll never have to go to a stupid, boring graduation. Yeah. No, it teaches them a lesson. And the lesson is you can't trust anybody. You can't trust Uncle Brian. They're going to lie to you.

Not uncles. Yeah. You got to look it up yourself. No, but they can trust me. I was trying to actually get through. My nephew is a perfectionist and I really relate to it. Like they were, they were painting these pottery things that was like a little gnome house. And on the box for this thing,

there was a perfectly painted one. And so they, this is a tip to all parents that my sister learned yesterday. The kids like can't handle that. They can't make it look perfect. Like the one on the box, like it's really stressful for them. And so just, if you ever have a craft project with the finished product on the box like it's really stressful for them and they can't and so just if

you ever have a craft project with the finished product on the box get the box out of there before you give it to your kids because it actually stifles their creativity because it makes them want to be uniform and do exactly this so so arlo was so upset and just like i hate it i'm gonna throw it in the trash i hate it i'm bad at this and like just so mad at himself for not being good at it and boy did i relate to that like that is so me of like if i if it can't be perfect i want to throw it in the trash and i'm mad that anyone even gave it to me like why would you i mean i used to feel so ugly i used to tell my mom why did you and dad have sex to make me when

I was I'm so disgusting like it's your fault and he started even getting into that he was like it's your fault for buying this that I'm bad at it and it was like oh my god we have the same brain and so I told my sister I'm like we need to stop this right now final thought perfectionism is a disease and if you can't get a hold of it i was like i do not want him to be pushing 40 and fighting it like i am still like it's not this isn't good for you it's an illusion and there's got to be a way to get in there so i was like we both need to google youtube videos about child childhood perfectionism and how to combat it and what what causes it because they are amazing parents that do not expect perfection from their kids at all like they're both not perfectionists in that way but he is and i it's it's it's so hard to watch because he's

he will not hear well you need to be bad to be good at things like he won't hear it and i remember being that same kid i think i'm a perfectionist for sure and it's probably the root of almost all my problems and i think one of the solutions to perfectionism is recognizing that that standard that picture on the box just because it's on the box doesn't mean it's perfect no that box picture is maybe not the correct thing and if you made you might make something that's better than the box thing. And so just hold yourself to some arbitrary standard that society has set for you or that someone says, whoever says is the perfect standard that who says that they're right and they're perfect.

And I think this is why like looking at like abstract art and like Jackson Pollock type stuff is important to focus on like staying in the lines is not that great and it's not is not what makes you good like i feel like i wish someone would have told me that like the things you do wrong are actually gonna make you the most successful in your life like the things that the reason you can't draw in the lines on that gnome's face is actually the reason why you're going to be so much better than ever drawing a fucking gnome pottery house yeah like that you're going to be the reason that you're going to be better than you have to be bad at this to be good at all the things you're good at and i wish there was some way to make that connection in kids minds minds, but it's so fucking hard.

And see, these are the types of things you don't lie to kids about. Like my niece, she is learning now that sometimes foods that you haven't tried yet might be good. Yeah. I mean, there's adults who still don't know that. Yeah. Right. So, I mean, that's an important lesson.

I'm not going to lie to her about that. Yeah, that's too important. Yeah, but you still, so like for perfectionism, for things like this, these are all the things you'd be a good, it's very cute. There was like an argument online about if you should tell your kid to say sorry,

even if they're not. Like teaching kids to say sorry as almost like a- Okay, because i thought that at first and then i was like that's my initial instinct yeah my initial instinct was that but then i didn't read the full article but there was i guess a pretty substantial argument for the other side which is just like just learn you kind of sometimes have to learn how to be a nice person and sometimes empathy does not come easy. And just to keep the world working,

like, so like, sorry, even when you feel when you don't feel sorry or sorry, even when you shouldn't be sorry, I guess like if you, you tell your kid, if your kid is not feeling sorry and like hit some kid on the playground and is a hundred percent not sorry,

you still have to be like, you have to tell that kid. Sorry. I guess I wouldn't, I would say no in that case, but I would then go take my kid to be tested for psychopathy i really would because two percent of people are psychopaths and if you don't feel remorse ever somebody should check on your kid yeah you should check on your kid if they don't feel remorse past if they're like age six and they're still doing really shitty things and not feeling sorry,

I would check it out. I don't have children, but I'd feel weird if my kid didn't feel sorry. And I told him, go lie to that other kid and tell them that you feel sorry, even though you don't, then you'll get the, you'll get the accolade of being empathetic and you, and you'll have just lied.

Yeah. I would also, you're right. I don't want to teach my kids lying lying i'm really fucking done with i just put out a thing in my girls chat because i've just noticed that and i do it too and i just want us all to catch it is this like if you don't want to go somewhere saying you're sick when you're really not um saying that like oh not telling like say i don't like something that you did for me brian and instead of telling you like this wasn't a good enough job

you did i tell you um the people that i'm doing this for think it's not a good job right even though they never even saw it yeah and then i but it's i still get the message across that you don't have that you didn't do the good job but I don't have to be accountable for it. Or even just saying, I don't want to go somewhere. Or I don't want to, yes, you're my friend, but I don't want to see you. I just don't have it in me. Like, just no more lying about our true feelings. Yeah.

I mean, it's hard to do because you're afraid you're going to upset the other person and sometimes people can't handle the truth and that's a line from that movie but it's true sometimes people can't handle hearing that and they can't handle criticism well then those people need to get out of your life because i can't deal with that's why you're afraid to say it sometimes because it's the reaction that might happen yeah and and that probably you need to have that reaction happen yeah and and that probably you need to have that reaction because you need to just those people need to show you their true colors like i can't i don't take guilt trips anymore if i like can't make it to something and someone goes

oh we were really looking forward to it what really yeah like are you are you if i tell you i can't do, there is no wiggle room for me. If there is wiggle room, I'll go, listen, if you really need me to make it to the set, because whatever, if I'm canceling something, if it's going to be hard for you to find a replacement, if this is something you were counting on, I will absolutely do it. I will put that in there. But if I am saying I can't do it, no amount of you being like, but I wanted it.

Why would you even want me to show up then? Because now I'm showing up because I feel bad. Yeah. I mean, what people are weird that they would even want someone to still be with them and hang out with them if they've already tried to get out of it. So I shared this tweet in my girls chat to emphasize my point, which they were all on board for. And I find myself doing this stuff too to avoid conflict, but it's from Adam M. Grant on X or Twitter, whatever we call it.

When you turn down a request, you don't owe an explanation. Other people aren't entitled to know your reasons and priorities. Being courteous is not just about, is not about justifying your decision. Being courteous is not about justifying your decision. courteous is not about justifying your decision it's about showing gratitude for the invitation and then in quotes honored to be asked

sorry to decline boom done you don't need to say why you can't go this is my thing is like when people ask well why why can't you go people don't do that often and if they do they're a really weird person and you probably are trying to get them out of your life anyway this is the thing most people that like but she's gonna say something weird back i go do you why are you friends with this person well we met early on and she helped me with this thing a couple years ago and it's like you so you don't like this person like if you had a choice to go to dinner with her, you'd probably have dinner alone, right? So why are you trying to keep this person in your life in the first place? Oh my God.

So many people keep people in their lives because they've known them for a long time. No. I can't imagine a worse reason to keep someone in your life than be like, well, I've known them since I was 12. Or to be kept in someone's life. Yeah. That's so embarrassing. Oh yeah.

I'm just friends. She's friends with me because we met in middle school. You don't owe them anything. You don't owe them anything. You don't owe them anything. I have one friend who has a friend who is a legit piece of shit. And they're still friends because it's this person's oldest friend. They've known each other since they were like five.

Yeah. And this person has like literally done like evil demonic well they're probably scared of trails they're probably scared of them a little bit i'm a little scared of some people that i've you know yeah i mean there are some people that like might get really mad at you when you have boundaries with them and that's why you don't and that that's why you say, agree to go on hikes with them and agree to go to lunches and agree to go on girls trips situation. But at some point, and this is what I'm turning 40 in two weeks.

I think it is so lame to be in your forties and beyond and doing things because other people want you to, I just like, don't think it's a good look. I don't want it for other people. I look up to like everyone I look up to in their 40s and 50s Like don't go to things they don't want to go to They don't

They don't just They're not insecure Like I think that at 40 I need to leave that shit behind I'm trying so hard Because I don't want a people please anymore I think it's When I see my friends do it

I'm just like It like makes me disrespect them And it also makes me think that they lie to me When my friends are it i'm just like it like makes me disrespect them and it also makes me think that they lie to me when my friends are making up excuses in front of me about being sick because they don't want to go out with this girl they don't really like her the next time they tell me they're sick it's boy who cried sick i'm not gonna believe them i'm gonna think maybe they don't like me and honestly i don't care if you don't like me or not just like i'll i'll not you know what i won't like you anymore because i don't trust you you don't like me or not just like i'll i'll not you know what i

won't like you anymore because i don't trust you because i just think you lie to everyone and i have to work on it too sounds like there's a lot of i don't know more shit talking no more lying no more cutting in front of somebody in a in a talk circle just you're cutting those people out to everyone yeah and no more being rude to waiters and no more hemming and hawing at the menu. You're all done. You're out. Just hemming and hawing is fine. And no watching me on Instagram live playing guitar.

You're out. Don't watch me on Instagram live playing guitar. I don't want anyone in there. No. All right. Can I give a disclaimer before we leave? Yeah. I know a lot of people are going to come at me for being a piece of shit to my niece for

lying to her. I don't think they are. I just want to say, or worse, people will be like, who is that guy? I don't care. But if you do come at me for being a piece of shit, I just want to say I've only done it a few times and I'm realizing slowly that you shouldn't lie to children. No, these people are all lying about Santa Claus

and the Easter Bunny and even God at many times and Jesus and all the things. Kids are constantly being told lies. But I do have a very good relationship with my niece. She loves me. No one questions that, Brian. She calls me Uncle Brian. Oh, does she?

That's original. Yeah, she's, well, you know, she could say, I don't know who that guy is because I don't live in the same state as her. I mean, noting that your niece calls you Uncle Brian is one of the most boring sentences I've ever heard. She goes, I love Uncle, my niece calls me uncle

brian it was really gonna sound like she had a pet name for you or like a fun like that is like you know that feels like my uncle bobo or something like that would be of note but it's just i love uncle brian i want to see uncle brian even though it does mean a lot when they say when they say your name i love my niece so good i love or when they struggle to say it, for us to say it, he goes, Kika, Kika. Yeah. For my name. Yeah.

And I love it. And then the rest of them are, why are you here, lady? All right, guys. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We'll see you next week. I'll be at Bally's in Tahoe this weekend. I think it's pretty much sold out.

And then next weekend will be Salt Lake City. Two shows in Boulder. One show added on June 8th at the Boulder Theater. Come on down. It's going to be so much fun. And I'll see you there. Don't be good.

And listen to my songs. Someday you'll die. Watch my special. Someday you'll die. Watch the roast of Tom Brady. And look at my new PETA ad. And don't eat animals. All right.

Don't be good. Bye. John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more.

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