The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #446 Toothy Smiles, Dirty Bluey, Nikki's SeaWorld Letter, Cry Rankings, and Hacks

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

What does it mean to have a "toothy smile"? Nikki and Brian dissect the backhanded compliment and come to the conclusion: just tell someone they have a nice smile. Plus, "girls chat" get into talks about "dirty Bluey" and what to watch out for in cartoons. Australia seems too cool of a country to hide hidden meanings in children's animation. Nikki shares her PETA letter to SeaWorld. Final thought: Brian brings up how similar Hacks is to Nikki's current life.  Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. I'm Nikki Glaser. I just decided to put on some sunglasses because my eyes have not depuffed from sleeping. I woke up like an hour and a half ago.

They haven't gone down yet. It's annoying. I'm tired of people. I hate when people are honest with you and they're like, you look tired. I remember the first time anyone ever said it to me, it was 10th grade. It was John Reiner. We were walking in between first and second period.

We crossed paths and he was like, you look tired. And I was just devastated by it. And I still think about that moment to this day. And I couldn't focus in class the rest of the day. And yeah. And when, when people say you look tired,

it's just, well, that's the, we've all, everyone knows that that's a rude thing to say. I think it's gotten to most people, but I have a friend who's in his 70s and he does not know not to tell me that. And so I heard I look tired, but he just goes, I go, that's rude. I go, okay, thanks. I know. And I got defensive and he was like, it's not an indictment.

You just, your eyes are puffy. I was like, I know. Here's a good test. Would you say it to someone who is on their deathbed in the hospital? You look tired of life. You look tired. You know what someone told me yesterday? What?

Not yesterday. I don't know why I said yesterday. That's okay. It makes it funnier. It was like five weeks ago. Oh my God. Because you know, comedy and things closer. You're not going to believe what someone told me while I was walking in here today

Okay what did someone just tell you They told me that I have a toothy Smile That's not nice And I was like okay well I'll never smile again You know what you could just say bright smile You have a Great smile

They thought it was a compliment What kind of teeth Does this person have Because you can usually sense What the compliment is What they mean by it When What they're dealing with She has no teeth

They were all knocked out Just gums Well then If that were the case If she had shitty teeth Yeah And small teeth Yeah

And like not enough teeth She might be complimenting you Yeah But it's so Jealous of your teeth She has to Insult you She was complimenting you. Yeah. But it's so jealous of your teeth, she has to insult you. She was complimenting me. She is not a knock-you-down type person. A toothy smile.

Yeah. She thought that would make me feel good. You have a skin-like face. Your face is covered in skin. You have so much skin on your face. How do you handle all that skin and teeth? Toothy is not, it doesn't sound good. It just

sounds like your mouth is overwhelmed. There's too many. I don't know that you have a toothy grin. Your mouth is like the DMV at 3 p.m. Like it's just overwhelmed and filled with things. It just seems like one of those, like a toothy smile.'s it's not nice no no i so i

said i said i'll never smile again in front of you and then she tried to defend how toothy is not an insult but uh yeah no you have a great smile is i think what she meant yeah no she she believes i have a great smile and she chose the word toothy to express that you have a toe-y foot you have a fingery hand like i'm trying to think of other things it's like you're just saying the word e yeah but the thing that's in it um hairy well there's hairy you have a hairy chest you have a hairy back you know one time this is, famously, I went to get my back lasered with your boyfriend's brother, Tim. Yes. We drove all the way to Santa Monica.

Forty five minutes. And there's like hot girls that worked there. You guys were single at the time and you were both like astounded at like, oh, no, we have to like sign in. And these hot girls are all working this place and they know we have disgusting back here. That's right. Is was this the not safe days that we talk about this? Oh, my God. This is. Yeah. Yeah. we have disgusting back hair that's right is was this the not safe days did we talk about this oh my god this is yeah yeah so uh yeah i wound up picking up the the front desk girl the hair did you really yeah wow so picking up never thought brian frangie would use that that's right

that's right i uh i caught that dog in my net. Is that what they say? Picked up. Like, how do you transition from like, I'm checking in for a back hair lasering my third session to like, what are you doing later? Like, what do you say? Can I get your number? Like, hey, would you like to hang out sometime? Do you know what happened?

We'd go back every week. So there was no pressure because I knew that I'd have opportunities to build a rapport with this person. Yeah. You got the first time I went in, you know, she was at the front desk at this beauty place. And the first time, you know, I just kind of like had a conversation with her. And then the second time, a little longer conversation, then you have like, kind of like, even like inside jokes start to develop because like, oh, here it is again. Remember what you said about that, that plant? And then the third time I went in there and I was wearing a shirt with an alien on it. And yeah.

Yeah. And she said. And also what was funny about this is because Tim was trying to hit on her, too. So it's a little bit of a competition. Oh, my God. And we were kind of going neck and neck and then on his shirt yeah his shirt he had uh a polo yeah he just had a polo shirt with them a horse on it um but i had an alien on my shirt and this really was what broke it open for me

she really connected with the alien because she loved aliens and then i was like well i have a whole podcast where i talk about aliens and then she was like oh i'll listen to the podcast and then um i you know gave her the information and then the next time i went in she had listened to the podcast love the podcast and then that's when we exchanged numbers. And then, did you go out? Why didn't this work out? Okay, we went on a date. And we went on a date in Santa Monica. I find out that she lives in Oxnard, which is not a deal breaker. But if anyone doesn't know the geography of LA, Oxnard is like two hours away from LA.

God, that poor girl having to commute to Santa Monica. Yeah. And then. Laser clinic. Jesus. Okay. And then we went to like, at the time I was like pretending like I drink, but not drinking. So we went to this like, first I was like, let's go to this bar.

So you could just fit in with the dating culture. Like you didn't figure out that that wasn't the move. Yeah. Well, there was a certain section of girls who would, it was a deal breaker if you didn't drink because they wouldn't be comfortable so why would you even weren't you looking for a wife wouldn't you not even want to date someone that was that was my my philosophy was they might not accept it like initially because they don't know who i am but then after a few dates if i say i'm not drinking then and i know me already okay so i go i go let's go to this bar and she goes oh i don't know who I am. But then after a few dates, if I say I'm not drinking, then they know me already.

Okay, so I go, let's go to this bar. And she goes, oh, I can't. And I was like, oh, that's interesting. So I was like, okay, so let's go to this restaurant place. And she's like, okay. And then we go sit down. And I was like, oh, so the waitress comes by.

Do you want anything to drink? And she goes, I'll just have a soda. And I was like, oh, so the waitress comes by. Do you want anything to drink? And she goes, I'll just have a soda. And I was like, oh, okay. Maybe she's sober. And then during the conversation, she just says some really immature things. She says, my mom is such a bitch. She won't let me blah, blah, blah. I'm like, what?

You're calling your mom a bitch? What kind of? And then i say how how old are you no turns out she was 19 what she was 19 and at the time i was i don't know 28 29 yeah okay yeah so she's like 10 she's like a teenager yeah and i was like oh my god and i'd already kissed her oh my god yeah i kissed a 19 year old but i found out how old she was i'd already kissed her but then i was like i i can't i don't think i can date a teenager no i don't think that's appropriate and i don't think so

um yeah that was the end of that i was like okay well i think maybe cordially. That's a good answer for why. Yeah. Most guys would be like, yes. I was looking for a wife. So I was looking. But like. Not a child bride, though. Yeah. No, this would have been. I knew we would have not gotten along.

And it was just like interesting. But yeah, 19. Nowadays, I date an 18 year old. I don't care. Yeah. Now that you're married. Yeah. Who gives a shit?

Yeah. What? I have this dog and did you does your dog ever pull on the leash and then you spill an entire starbucks all over the oh yeah thank god it was i'd walked right out of starbucks and she wanted to stay in just tipped it went everywhere and i was so just disappointed i could have just gone back in and get a new one because everyone saw it but i just kept going and i was just like i'm not meant to have that and i'm so mad wow and if i like i just that that it's the feeling that when you we used to all have um the headphones and they would get caught on something oh god well i still have that because i haven't switched.

I still have wires. Why? Oh, God. It's the worst feeling in the world. I know exactly what you're talking about. Why haven't you switched? I hate ear pods. I feel like they fall out and they fall on the floor and they get disgusting.

At least the wires. Yeah, I've gotten an ear infection. But I would get it from the wire ones, too, because I put them in bags and I'm disgusting. And they roll around in dirty purses so uh but yeah the airpods are amazing when you get when you accidentally pull on the wire and it feels like someone yanked out your soul yes that's what it feels like when a dog is suddenly just decides to like stop on a dime and like you are kind of going in one direction and i gotta say with this dog she doesn't understand that the that i'm pulling her like she doesn't know she just thinks this thing around my neck is getting tight this is annoying like she doesn't connect it to me at all she might be stupid

is that possible like how does she not connect it and so i just there's no me like she's so tiny that i don't want to strangle her and like a lot of people just yank their dog until they give up. She won't give up. She doesn't understand what's going on. She would rather choke to death than give up on smelling a little electrical box or something like she's obsessed with this electrical box. We always walk by. That's just like, you know, just two sockets.

And so I have to pick her up all the time. And I know this is all all trainable but i'm just want a dog that is already trained is that so hard to ask for is a perfect dog that you can read your mind that i mean they can do that for you yeah you can send your dog off to be trained and then they bring it back and then you dismantle everything they did right i think that's how it works you spend all this money this money. They show you what they did. You go, oh my God, this dog's going to be amazing. And then your dog doesn't respect you because it thinks its mom is this lesbian whose farm you sent her to for three weeks.

You know, I don't know. It tests your patience. I just felt like, and with this dog, I know this is so dumb. And every mom listening to me is going to hate me right now. Hello, moms. I can't get anything done because this dog always needs something. It's always staring at me to play or want something. I'm always disappointing it.

I can't get laundry done. I can't clean a bath, like straighten up, not clean a bathroom, straighten up a bathroom. Like put my makeup back in a bag. Like I can't unpack boxes like my house is a nightmare right now because of this dog and how every second is taken up by it and it's um i i like it though because she's so cute and now she is sleeping in the bed i got her to sleep there last night it is part of the deal she's agreed to um but uh and she's so soft and so cute and so cuddly and i i love her but um man it's just like why do humans accept do we do we need love that much that we just ruin our lives to get it oh i think that's it absolutely and you know what i think

over time the dog will settle into a routine with you, but it won't. You'll have to adapt also like it won't be perfect. Like sometimes even like sometimes Jack just has that. My dog Jack has to get up at like 7 a.m. in order to pee. And it's just like, oh, come on. They're standing there and he really has to go. And if and if you don't take him, he'll pee on the carpet. And like, yeah, that's annoying. But most of the time there's a routine established and he gets up at the proper time.

But yeah, yesterday, Gilly like peed on Chris's bath mat. First accident she's ever had. And then she also pooped in his room and he, there was just a sternness with which he was like, we can't have this happen. Like he does not tolerate dogs having accidents like

it's not like he's gonna like kill the dogs you know like he's not mad at the dog he's just like this isn't a thing i'm signing up for like we will not something needs to be done and i'm like shut your door let it poop in my room i'm gonna get like a pee pad or something so she can go if but the thing is she she is like um she's like gooning for peeing and pooping like she likes to go outside she has to go so bad and then she waits yeah way too long and i'm someone who's like let's just get it done my other dogs just like if they have to go pee as soon as they walk out the door they find something to pee on and she's like no it has to be perfect yeah i'm still learning how she works and she's amazing

and i love her but god i can't imagine doing this longer than 13 years like at least i have an hour she's gonna she can't live but maybe she'll live to like 15 or 16 she's two now um but yeah i i wouldn't sign up for a lifetime of this and it's um and she she is fine doing nothing kids are not kids will not just like lay in a little ball and go to sleep when you know like when they're bored or whatever yeah she could just literally look at nothing my friend uh saralina is trying to compile she's noticed that they're after she saw the nickelodeon doc about like all the perverts that were putting like sexual things in kids shows she's like obsessed with finding

disgusting things in kids cartoons because she's watching them all the time because she has a one and a half year old and she's like girls I really think something weird is going on in this bluey show and she's like I'm yesterday there was this beach scene I was like bluey bluey's like from Australia

it's so cute. It's so, whenever I've seen it, it just seems like adults love it, kids love it. I refuse to believe there's Australian perverts.

Okay, so she, I think the whole country was formed on perverts being exiled there. Yeah, criminals. You're right. Australia does not have a perverted vibe to it

like being there it was just so no one smokes weed in australia can i say that is the it's the weirdest thing if we have any australian listeners will you tell me what it is about your country that makes you guys not want to smoke weed and i swear to god brian when i was there i was like looking for anything just because i didn't bring it on the plane but i was like saying everyone's getting wasted they drink a lot and chris was saying it's because they drink so much they don't need it and i'm like but we drink a lot here too and i don't know if you've read recently pot has exceeded um like pot use in adults is more than alcohol use yes yes which is crazy finally pots on top but anyway um i was asking australia like does anyone have

like a vape like just i want a little hit of something so i can let loose at this wedding and um people go no we no might we don't really do that here but however they talk i fucked it up and i'm better in the past yeah i know you have it in you no i know you have it in you. No, no. And I was like, why don't you guys smoke weed? And they go, it's illegal. And I go, that didn't stop us. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah.

I go, that means nothing. Everyone in Australia is white. What are you worried about? It's less fun doing it now because it's legal. I want to do it less because it's so legal. But yeah, they just don't do it. And I'm like like what is it about americans like what does pot give us that australians are like yeah we got we're good man

and we just what is it we're a more stressful country that's focused on success in our capitalist environs and australians have tall poppy syndrome they don't even want to succeed if they can yeah for people who don't know tall poppy syndrome is that if you are an australian and you get too big for your bridges that tall poppy rises up above all the poppies they chop it off yeah they don't like it they don't like you to flaunt your wealth there i heard though in because i have some famous australian friends who have had to like kind of play it like they can't like if it gets out that they buy a nice car people are like oh what do you who do you think you are whereas in america it's like that's if you can't afford things you get things that you can't afford so you look like you might have money

but in australia they're toning it down but recently i i've heard that they are being a little bit chiller about it and it's like it's almost like not tall poppy syndrome but like you gotta be like like I don't know it's they're getting more Americanized in that way. Yeah that makes sense I mean the whole world is really. Yeah. Social media. But what I will say about Bluey

is that the clips because I go send me the clips because I don't believe this. I don't want to know this. I want to know yeah. And it was I don't think it's bad. It was Bluey's on the beach and putting sand over himself. And then there's like a seashell. You know when you turn a seashell around? Not even a, it's like a clamshell almost.

Okay. And it combines in the back. It's like the kind that you put on a puka shell necklace. They like, it like clamps in the back. And it kind of looks like a vagina. Yeah. Yeah. Bluey like put is holding that on a toothy.

Bluey's like holding that near the crotch of the mermaid sand mermaid bottom that he has. He's just holding it. It doesn't look like anyone's trying to do anything interesting. And then there's another scene where, you know, those like little clamshells that pop out of the sand and then they squirt water as a defense. They squirt out water. That I've never seen, but I can imagine.

I think they're more frequent in Australia than the States, and so that's why they ended up in this. But she was like, that looks like a penis ejaculating. And I'm like, but just because something in nature looks like a penis like ejaculating yeah and i'm like but just because something in nature looks like a penis doesn't mean kids should learn about it that's right that is the thing it doesn't mean like that means that person was like jerking off to the idea of kids watching this this is just yeah and also if it's a common thing in australia

it's fine um but yeah no there's um there was another scene where Bluey was at the beach. I think it was at a pool. And he was like looking at a picture of... Deep throating a sea cucumber? That was going to be my joke. I took too long. Oh, I know. I knew where you were going.

I don't believe, I don't trust you anymore. Because whenever I feel like really safe with you about a story, now I go into defense mode yeah i know you're you're not taking me down a road i can trust um i'll have to get better at it no but i think that there are perverts doing this stuff but i don't think blue is one of them and i would i think parents that are bored watching cartoons keep an eye out for this stuff because adults are trying to make jokes because they're bored with their job. And send me any that you see because I'm fascinated by it.

I mean, the Nickelodeon stuff was egregious. Did you watch that? I have not watched it yet. No. Quite on set. I don't even know if I want to. I'd like to hear what the things are, though. Okay, so one was Ariana Grande trying to to get she was trying to juice a potato

so she's trying to get juice out of a potato so she's doing like this with the potato and she's like i can't get it it just won't come out and she's kind of like giving a hand job to the potato yeah there's another one where she there's one where jamie lynn spears on zoe 101 or whatever that show is um is getting a squirt got like squirting like a goo on her face and it just looks like a cum shot like it's and this is the documentary saying that the the producers on purpose were doing this to get sexual content from their yeah they weren't like trying to fuck the kids not in i don't think in this particular this wasn't it was a way to exploit children for sure for their own little jollies of like this is an inside

joke with us so there were people on set trying to fuck kids and they did fuck kids but the guys that were writing the stuff i don't think but it was all a culture of like taking advantage of these kids making them do really disgusting things making the kids who are black do even weirder things oh and like making all the boys wear spandex suits as much as they could so that they would have their like, so they would just feel degraded. I mean, it's disgusting. Dan Schneider is a fucking creep pervert. Disgusting person.

Why would they do that to the kids? Because they're sadistic. And because they get off on making, they were bullies. Wow. And they want these kids who, and they are so in charge. And a running theme in all of these shows too was that dan snyder would put himself in the show and the kids would be like we fear the creator they would call him like the i forget what they called him but they're like

he would like kind of talk on a box like charlie's angels and give them directives and they would be like well do whatever you say like he would write this for himself there was a scene he wrote where he was in a hot tub he was always getting massages on set from women and probably cast members but women in the you know wardrobe department would be like we are we have eight costumes to make before noon and it's 9 a.m and dan is calling one of us down to set to massage him and we would do it because we get fired on the spot if we didn't so is he in jail no but because he was able to freak he got fired but he's still like he he's still trying to have a career and um and he's such a hit maker that they didn't care they didn't care everyone knew about this and if this woman yeah it's like if this woman would have spoken up and been like

we're tired of giving him massages this isn't part part of our job. They would have been immediately fired. No questions asked because this guy was just churning out the content for Nickelodeon. They didn't care. And these poor kids are just want to be stars. So they agree to everything. The one adult on the set who was like, there's something sneaky going on. Well, there are two. There was a woman who her son, she just want, her son just was like, mom,

please stop like ringing the alarm bell. Like, I just want to be an actor. Like, don't call things out. So she kind of like was trying to do right by her son with what he wanted. Cause he wanted to stay on the show, all that,

you know? And so she wouldn't speak up as much as she wanted to. And the other parents were just like, we don't see what you're seeing. And then there was a dad who definitely noticed a weird relationship between his son drake bell turns out drake bell the famous drake bell and this guy uh that was ended up being a rapist a child rapist uh convicted and ended up working for disney after he was convicted cool cool how does that fucking happen? How is someone in jail in Rikers right now? Because they got a pot charge in 1997 for weed for less than an eighth of weed.

And yet this guy got a job at Disney after he was convicted. It's like almost like a benefit. Like he had no special skills on his resume. What? They wanted that. I really don't under. I know that there's some kind of explanation for me there of how this happens in our legal system but i don't get it i don't get how people that

have ever they've recently introduced castration in i think south carolina or georgia for pedophiles and i think that's very interesting that's all i'll say on that i think it's not a bad idea but i could be proven wrong if you have the literature to prove me wrong. I just don't know how else to stop them because no one will get these people help because no one wants to talk to them about what they're up to. So this is the next best thing, I guess,

to protect children? I don't know. Maybe just don't let your kid be a child actor on a set run by adults whose only motive is profit and not making child entertainment. It's really only about money. We'll be right back after this.

Oh, I got to tell you about a thing I did for SeaWorld after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from john and the team of correspondents and contributors the podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines listen to the daily show ears edition on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So we're back. So I got asked to, like, see, I guess PETA asked me to do this thing. There's a shareholder meeting at SeaWorld happening. Wow. And, okay, so it says, our team would like to submit a question on your behalf. SeaWorld is holding its annual virtual shareholder meeting

on June 13th. As a shareholder, PETA has the right to attend these meetings and pose a question to executives in front of each shareholder present. So PETA's a shareholder, PETA has the right to attend these meetings and pose a question to executives in front of each shareholder present. So PETA is a shareholder in SeaWorld? That seems crazy. That seems, yeah, like a conflict of interest. But maybe that's their way of like monitoring what's going on there and having a say in it.

I mean, I don't know. I've heard bad things about PETA. I don't really fully trust them either. Who knows what they're like? I've heard. What have you heard? I've just i've just heard that you know a typical charity that's actually run for profit like the people at the

top are just making money off of the off of uh exploiting people who want to help animals oh i know that a lot of their thing is like pita would prefer to put down animals than just have them in like a cage for the rest of their lives yeah that's wild um i don't think so but i won't say any more on that what would you would i i would rather die than just stay in a concrete cage the rest of my life uh covered in my own feces what about you yeah yeah i guess i mean it's a it's an extreme stance but i can see i can see that as a potential i don't know all the details so don't fucking don't take me to task on this i don't i'm not saying but if given those two scenarios i

would like to be uh sent away well the only well one of the arguments for that is the only reason we have all of those cows that are in those cages is because we eat them right if we never ate them there would be like four percent of the amount of cows on this earth than there currently are well that's what people always say if we stop eating meat what do we do with all the cows that have are ready for and it's just like let's just finish them all off and then stop yeah and then that's why they exist that's why so many well and why are people so concerned with the welfare of these cows that they were just eating a second ago is my is my question i'd like to pose but what about the poor cows that are now left over from this new law change

anyway so they said our team would like to submit questions on your behalf all you would need to do is sign off on the question below which we've we've tweaked it to sound like it's coming from you um other people that are asking questions are pamela anderson joan jett jillian anderson gillian anderson jillian anderson i said gillian it's jill is it oh you know you had a alien podcast x-files oh oh yeah that's jillian okay Pink. I'm thinking of Gillian Jacobs. And Lala Kent. Yes, yes, you were. So anyway, so they want to ask a question to allow us to call attention to SeaWorld's continued cruelty. I think, I mean, I think this is a good thing. I think PETA's in the right place for this. Isn't Chris's nickname SeaWorld?

Yeah, it is. So every time you say it, I think you're talking about him. So PETA's interested in SeaWorld's cruelty, huh? cruelty huh yeah oh i've got some stories for them no um okay so he keeps me in a tank um okay so here here's the statement they wrote for me okay and then i want to say comedians have my name is nikki glazer and i have a question on behalf of pita they're gonna read this for me by the way this is the one they wrote for me comedians have made my name is Nikki Glaser, and I have a question on behalf of PETA. They're going to read this for me, by the way. This is the one they wrote for me. Comedians have made a variety of jokes about SeaWorld throughout the years, myself included.

Whether on late night or Saturday Night Live or in a comedy special, audiences laugh at these jokes because they agree with them. We laugh because we collectively recognize the absurdity of forcing dolphins and whales to live and die in tanks when they're meant for something as expansive and brilliant as the ocean. By the way, by the way, the ocean is a big body of water where sea life thrives in case any sea world execs haven't heard of it. Oh, shit. Someone's a little 19 year old brat. And my mom's a bitch. If you impregnated a human against their will, force their child to live in a bathtub for their entire life and made them

entertain you, you'd go to prison. So my question is, so my question is when, so my question is when, not if, but when will SeaWorld stop forcibly impregnating dolphins and whales and sentencing them to this miserable fate?

It would be a joy to leave SeaWorld off of my set list. I liked, I liked the sentiment. I liked how they're like, you know what I liked about that was that they said that the reason people laugh is because they agree with me

and they know SeaWorld's involved in cruelty. Right? And the joke I made in my special, well, I'll get to that. So here's my thing I sent back to them. You know what I hate with phone apps when you are like trying to switch between apps and it has to like

reload when you open up the app. Get out of here with that. It's like I'm looking at my email I'm trying to transfer it to my notes app or something and then when I go back to my email it like has to go back to the original email screen and I have to go back into the email. Or if I'm looking at sports scores on Yahoo Sports and I want

to go back to Hulu to look at the game. Hulu's got to start up their little logo first. Yeah. And then to go back to hulu to look at the game and hulu's got to start up their little logo first yeah and then i go back to yahoo sports and it reloads the original screen it's like why can't they just save it shit and here's another oh how many times has this happened you're on instagram and you um you open up instagram and there's a real playing that you're like oh i can't wait to watch this. And then some reason you like hit a part of the screen or your Instagram decides, you know, we're actually gonna start over.

Like we wanna start from the top and refresh. And then that reel is gone forever because there was nothing. No, you can't find it. You can't scroll. It's just gone. It's gone because you don't know who made it. It was just a girl talking in her bathroom about some new kind of blush technique that is going to give you an eye lift and i needed

to know what she said i'll never find it again because i don't know who that girl was it was suggested content so i don't already follow her and i'll never get it back i'll never get that video back of taylor swift looking fine as hell uh you know wiping some snot and then hitting a note that is amazing or whatever it is that I wanted to see that she did, which was so cool. And it's gone forever because the algorithm decides to just refresh for me.

Yeah. It's so annoying. They think they know. Yes. I need, I can't take it. It makes me want to, I can't believe they haven't figured that out yet. You know another thing

I cannot believe they haven't figured that out yet. You know another thing I cannot believe they haven't figured out is like, why do I ever, and maybe I've said this before, why do I ever need to type in St. Louis when I am putting in my address? Why is the zip code not getting a St. Louis and Missouri? Boom. Covering those. I don't have to scroll down to the M's and find Missouri. Why is it a zip code

the first thing you put in and then you start typing your address and it, by that zip code, starts giving you suggestions? Why is it everything like that? You should think even bigger. The phone should know your location, which it already does,

and just suggest exactly where you are. Yes, it's playing dumb! It's playing dumb! It's like, I don't know where you are. It knows what you did last summer and it's asking you, what'd you do? It knows. It's such bullshit. Yeah.

There's so many things that I'm just like, how does this not know this thing? Or it will like, I will type in, I will say like, oh, leave that package for Nikki Glaser. And it, you know, I'll do the voice command and it will type in Mickey Glazer with two S's. And I go, how many times on this device have I filled in my fucking name? I mean, my ducking name. At least it's got that right now. Yeah, no, it still does ducking for me.

It does so many, so many of those auto-corrects are terrible. But then we all say that AI is going to come in and take over the world. And it's like, we haven't even figured out how to get auto-correct right in our phones. AI is, this is what AI is going to be for the next. How long have we had this stuff on our phones? Like 15 years now, 20 years, and it's still shitty and mistake written. Oh my God.

Like the way that if you will dictate a a text to someone and you just start talking like a paragraph of text and you say it really perfectly and you fucking nail it you're putting on the periods and it will just throw in commas everywhere which is not good i would rather it not put in commas and have it be a run-on sentence because then i know where to go in and put the commas later on because I didn't say comma rather than just sometimes Anya such a like Anya knows perfect grammar and I know she judges people based on their spelling mistakes and grammar like I just know who she is and like well she'll think less of someone just slightly because I do too and so whenever I write her a paragraph I always have to say by the way I

dictated this do not think that I think there should be a comma after every subject or whatever. Do you have that? Does it happen to you where it throws in commas? Do you remember in middle school when you first learned about the comma and then all your essays had like a thousand commas? It is seriously a sixth grader writing their first five paragraph essay about why whales whales are better than dolphins which brings me back to the sea world thing so this is my modification of it right so this is what i sent back brian my name is nikki and i am i have a question my name is nikki mickey glazer and i have a question on behalf of pita i'm sure you've noticed the uptick in comedians making jokes referencing sea world in the past 10 years i actually just referenced you guys last month in my latest special in case you didn't see, the joke I told was about how I am experiencing vaginal dryness lately.

I said that I longed for my 20s when I was, quote, constantly wet, end quote. Then I said it's because in my 20s I worked at SeaWorld. And animal cruelty turns me on. I'm sure you're not laughing, but I will tell you the audience there that night really enjoyed it. And the reason they laughed was because what I said is true. Everyone knows what you're up to over there. We know that you force dolphins and whales to live and die in your tiny tragic tanks when they're meant for something as expansive and brilliant as the ocean. I didn't change that sentence. I liked it. I don't think all of you are bad people. I bet you love animals and deep down you know what you

do is wrong, but you're blinded by the profit you make off of people who come to see your shows who don't yet know the truth. Oh, but they will know it eventually And they'll stop coming. I can't wait for when they do. But until then. You have the chance to do the right thing. By the animals you claim to love so much. Please. For the love of God. Stop imprisoning.

And forcibly impregnating dolphins and whales. And sentencing them to a miserable fate. I'd love to leave your company out of my jokes. Therefore allowing me to focus on. The other pressing humanitarian issues. Thereby allowing me to focus on. Other pressing humanitarian issues thereby allowing me to focus on other pressing humanitarian issues like my vaginal dryness i thought it'd be funny to like make some jokes in it yes right i agree i i like that version a lot better thank you well they sent back well i'm so sorry but we can only have a thousand words so

they took out all the jokes and then I had to sneak them back in. And I put, what did I put? Oh, I, the, the end one as me writing back, I said,

they took out my quoting. Why do you only have a thousand words? Because they didn't want me to say vaginal dryness at a shareholder meeting. But you know what? I think that wakes people up at a fucking shareholder meeting. Like, and it's from Nikki Glaser. Everyone knows my style.

And if you don't get on board, it's so boring. Just have a bunch of celebrities being like, all right, this is bad and it's tragic. And I hate it. You need someone in there to be entertaining. So that she just said vagina.

So what did she, I changed it to, I actually were just referenced you guys last month in my latest special. You should watch it. I'm sure you won't laugh, but boy did the audience that night and so um and then i said all this is the same until the end because they took out the vaginal dryness joke and i said i'd love to leave your company out of my uh out of my jokes and work on calling out circuses next

so that that was just like something i could add in um but it yeah it's just sometimes i just get this like fire in my belly where i'm like oh i'm gonna just like say something like oh i i nailed it like i just wrote that out so quickly and i was like oh my god i can't wait for someone to have to read this on a zoom to these all these like uptight suits and um and then they just take out the the zest but i will say pita did come up with a cool um they came up with a tagline for my poster that i did you know the naked photo shoot that was uh don't never i never steal anyone's material or something like that it was i forget it now but it was a good tagline that i did not write and everyone was like that's so good nikki and i was like i didn't do it pita did it um but

pita was cool when they came when i did the shoot with them. Cause I was super scared when I went to the shoot. Like my mom came with me and I was like, mom, do not wear any leather. Like don't have any leather on your shoe. Like make sure, you know, you don't kick any dogs on the way in.

Make sure that there's no bird shit on your car. Like, I don't even know. Like they might be like your car blocked this bird from shitting in the grass where it's meant to bullshit. I don't know how insane these people are going to be. But we got there, and I was kind of talking to them about stuff. And I go, this purse, it's made of apples.

It's not real leather. I walk in immediately like, I swear. And they go, we don't care. And the representatives they sent to me were actually pretty chill. And I would like to share that not everyone at PETA is insane. And it's going to make you feel. You're not all wearing paint on your coat. No. Some of them are.

And we need those people to be loud and not take any kind of excuses that you might have for doing what you do. But I was talking to them about. My mom was kind of asking, well, what about, I don't even think you should do used leather. Because she was trying to fit in, even though she absolutely believes in leather. And they go, oh, used is fine. And I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, if it's like already, yeah, if you want to thrift. Yeah, totally.

And then I was wearing in the shot that I shot. I brought a bunch of shoes for the shoot because that's all the wardrobe I had, right? To supply because I was naked and I brought in these leopard um platform heels and I'm wearing them in the shot you can go look at it but and I go are these okay they're leopard I just don't want people to be like it why is it okay to use fake leopard because it's obviously not real leopard there is i don't think anyone has real leopard things maybe in dubai musk or something yeah yeah um and they go no it's fine like and i go but isn't that bad to like even use animal print fakely and they're like no who cares they're like seriously it's fine like we encourage like using fake stuff fake it all day like just don't use real stuff and then i saw the shot and it was me in these leopard print sandals and i just know people

hate pita so much they'll use any and vegans they'll use any kind of reason to dismantle what we're doing so i knew comments would be like why is she wearing leopard print like it would just distract from my tits so i had them photoshop the heels to be black because i was like i just don't want trouble but peter was like we don't care use leopard and i thought that was an interesting um choice that they were just like oh that's fine but i will say that um sorry i was getting a i'm just i'm getting a new car you know and i've been test driving all these mercedes and i told my sister about this one that i was gonna get and. And she was like, what's the interior? And I was like, she goes, what?

And I was like, she goes, it's leather. And I go, yeah, because they don't, I don't know what, like, there's no, I like was just like stumbling over my words. And she goes, you just did a campaign with PETA about not wearing leather. And I go, I'm not going to wear the car, you know? And I go, no, you're right. Thank you. Because this is a good reminder. Like even me as this,

like I am all about doing the right thing by animals. Even I can be like, but I want it. Yeah. This is the one I want. I don't want the car that has the cloth interior. That's not as good. And she just cars have real leather and the non fancy cars have fake leather.

You have to get a shit it doesn't feel as good and guess what i don't get to i always use that argument for um people who are like but i love milkshakes i'm just like okay well sorry that doesn't mean you get to abuse animals just because you like something so she really like threw it back in my face and i loved that and i even i like when i catch myself messing up in the way that i call other people out for and i was able to go like nikki no you don't get the car you want just because you want it because it has leather interior and that's not cool so i um i found one that has fake leather oh nice and i think i'm gonna do that i prefer non-leather leather interiors i don't like how hot it gets and sticky.

People say like, oh, you can't clean a cloth one. You can easily clean a cloth one. You can just get carpet cleaner if you get a stain on it or something. Right. I prefer non-leather. I also don't really like how the leather smells for so long, but that's just me. It is weird. You're like sitting

on animal skin that like an animal that was like skinned it's it's terrible to think about and chris was saying like he goes i will say that i think most leather is a byproduct of like the meat industry like they use the discarded yeah we're just like the native americans we're using and i go but then but i don't want to partake in the meat industry even if it's like a byproduct of some it's a byproduct of something else horrible so um everyone was right i'm doing the right thing i'm getting but i honestly i can't always do the right thing there's things in my life that i drive yourself crazy there's gonna be animal products and all sorts of things that you don't know and glue in like like the glue that holds together your whatever your hair dryer might

then you might find that you can't drive yourself insane because no you have to realize that you as an individual are not going to change the planet but you can do what you can you do what you can and that's what i always tell people even though i'm a vegan i don't expect everyone else to be vegan you just try to make some choices here and there that aren't meat related and you do your best and that's all i want it's up to the corporations and the governments to make change and that's all you can hope for once they're until they're only making things that are animal pipe dream yeah i mean it just does like i was thinking about sea world and how they people that probably started sea world were the people that Probably started SeaWorld were

The people that work there do love animals Why would you get into that that was my dream as a little Girl was to be one of the women With the ponytails that gets pulled to the bottom by Tilikum or whatever and drown To death I wanted to be that cute girl That was riding on the nose of a whale Doing a show because I

Loved animals and I thought those animals liked that yeah and so these people going to the shows and and working at zoos and circuses a lot of them love animals and they they want to be there to almost monitor what's going on and so i know that deep down but people just get blinded by money and that's what i was blinded by for a second i want a mercedes i want the nicest car and the nicest cars have leather i can't help that that's just what they do and i act like i have no say in it and um i caught myself even being kind of a a shitty person there might be a person but like you know just a capitalist yeah there might have been a kid out there who hated animals and was like i can't wait to go

well now now the truth is out there so if you're a little shithead sadistic like if you're a non-yoner and you want to abuse some animals you know where to apply can we go to sea world can we spread that non-yoner yeah i mean it's a great way no one will know what you're talking about unless you're a bestie and i feel like it's a little code i think it's good because we reference people like that all the time on here yeah and i think we can all be non-yoners sometimes like sometimes I really have like the other day Anya like showed us all this video her new music video which is literally incredible Anya was like a amazing figure skater when she was a child and then she had a catastrophic injury that like kind of took her out of it but she has all this old footage from her skating and then she has this new music

video coming out with uh footage of her skating now and she hasn't skated in like literally 27 30 something years i mean insane amount of time maybe she's skated once in that time and she's so smooth it comes right back to her the music video is one of the best she's ever done if not the best i mean it's it's so good and the song is one of my favorite songs of hers and i'm so excited i think it's coming out this summer. But she like showed it to all of my friends. And she posted this. You might have seen her story, besties.

But she posted a story of us all watching it last weekend on my birthday. And Hala is here. And Kirsten. And Kirsten's pregnant as fuck. Hala is just, Hala just like is a person who emotes generously. And so they're sobbing because the song is about life and death and nothing lasts forever and there's all this footage of her as a kid growing up through the years and they're sobbing and she's like you know filming kirsten

like like literally like red-faced puffy-eyed like you know looks real tired just getting call back um holla sobbing and then they get to me and i'm just like on my phone texting and i'm like i'm sorry i don't feel things in this way and i look such like a non yawner but i was in that moment like i couldn't i don't i don't often cry when things are like make me happy or like that or like touching i like and it especially i think there's a part of me that when everyone's crying, I'm just like, I'm not doing this. Like, I don't want to.

Yeah. Someone needs to be in control of this ship right now because we're going down and everyone's crying. I need to be the one who's over here figuring out our dinner plans. And that's what I was at that moment. And I looked like a real non, I looked like such a psychopath in this video. How about you? Do you feel like we've talked about crying on the show so much are when are you touched to the point of crying

ranking well i want to rank cries and i gotta tell you happy crying is um number two in the cry rankings in terms of how it feels okay how it feels happy crying is number two sad crying is the bottom obviously oh god i think okay no okay set uh no when you're really when you're full of grief and you're crying i think that's number three you're talking about rankings in terms of how good how what how good it feels to you yeah how good it feels to me yeah satisfying for me ranking crying would be like i have to watch someone do it because i am not someone who cries enough to like actually have enough data to collect and rank these yeah but i i like i don't care when people cry from happiness it is sweet to watch when a little girl finds out she's going to disney world and she's so overwhelmed that she starts crying so fucking cute but when you're an adult get it together no it feels good i'm just

kidding i wish i could feel that happy so happy crying is number two i think brief crying is number three um when you're crying in pain that's the worst oh no but number one you this weekend now so i i i've i've cried quite a lot over the last couple weeks. I had an opportunity to rank the cries. Oh, my God. You cried for pain. Yeah, I was crying in pain. But then I got to experience the number one best cry.

Relief. The cry of relief. The cry of morphine. Yes. A morphine drip. Well, you know what it was? It was like when someone even just like when the doctor came in and I knew I was going to get help. Oh, yeah.

I started crying just from like someone's going to help me. That's the best. You're saying that's number one? That's such a good cry. Number one. Oh, that's so good. That's so good. Oh, I'm so glad you felt that.

I'm so sorry you felt so much pain that you cried. Like I was thinking about it yesterday. I was telling Chris about that you were in a 10 out of 10 and you were like for six hours i mean i just that's trauma man i hope you're taking care of yourself this week because you've been through like a traumatic event yeah i guess so oh my god endless yeah but i i i wanted to talk about um the a happy cry that I had recently. Yeah, please. There's this video.

You may have seen it. It was a viral video. Because these cries all happen in the span of a week. So I got really all the full gamut. Oh. There's this video of an episode of Jenny Jones. Did not see it. Talk show from the 90s.

I remember that show. Yeah. Yeah. did not show from the 90s i remember that show yeah yeah and there's a they do they're doing this segment where they have like a drill sergeant come in from the like a drill sergeant from the military yeah to scare straight uh little kids gay kids so you're trying to get them to be straight yeah yeah and it's totally unacceptable i mean i can't that would not be so preposterous on a phil donahue show from the 80s is like a surgeon yelling at a gay kid. Like I could I could actually probably see that happening in the 90s.

So there weren't gay kids in the 90s. No one was gay in the 90s. At least not in my school. Yeah, they were either straight kids or they were really straight kids. Yes. And that's how you knew. So it's for kids who are like not were bad kids who are not treating their moms well whatever and so the parents bring the kids on they have a drill sergeant go you're gonna go

to military school and you're gonna be with me so they have this little kid and he's a bad kid or whatever and the drill you know what do you know what's coming i just like i think yeah i think so keep going oh so the drill sergeant goes do you, do you want to keep treating your mom like this? And he's just standing there being yelled at. He's like, do you, do you want to come with me? Do you want me to be your daddy for the next two months? He's like, I'm going to, I'll be taking, I'll be in charge of you. And I'm yelling at you.

Do you want me to be your daddy for the next two months? And the kid goes, yes, sir. and then he goes what what you want you want me to be why do you want me to be your daddy and then he goes because because i don't have a daddy and then everyone starts crying and he goes you don't have a daddy well come here and then he hugs the kid and then he and then he takes him off stage because he knows that the kid's being taken advantage of in this moment. And he's like, we're not going to exploit this kid. I honestly might start crying. Yeah, it's so.

That is so sweet. Will you send it to me if you could stumble upon it again? I don't need to stumble upon it. I have it in my paper. Okay. Oh, my God. It's so sweet. Yeah.

Oh, no. So there's this guy on YouTube who posted that video 10 years ago or whatever of this clip. It went viral. It has something like 30 million views or something like that and then he he came out a couple a few years ago and said I want to make a documentary based on this kid and the drill sergeant and find out what happened to them yeah and so um it was one of those videos where he posted about then he posted a year later and was like i'm still working on this and then a year later everyone's just like what the fuck man what are you doing is it no then he posted listen this youtube channel did bring me a lot of joy but i realized it's really taken over my life yeah i'm he did the same speech that you say that i

always give yeah they go why i'm quitting youtube yes um that is a happy cry so sweet yeah oh man okay that's sweet i'm trying to think i cried the other night um i was if you want to cry if anyone's in the mood to cry there's a taylor swift song that she's never played live and she never will play it live but it's called um it's called ronan she doesn't say the name in the song but it's a name it's about a kid who died of cancer or something when he was four and it's from the perspective of his mom who i think is a was a fan of taylor's i forget how their song was written swifties i don't even dm me about it i can't handle it um but somehow she knew this family and this child passed and she

wrote the song about that from the mother's perspective about this kid and it is the most heartbreaking song you've ever heard and i played it for chris the other day because we were playing each other songs that might make each other cry and i started saw i was sobbing and it felt so good it felt good i would rank that as a number one, even though what gets me, and I've said this before, is when people that are living talk to dead people and act like they're still there. So they're like,

they're still talking to them as if they're there or a letter or something that a dead person has left behind is read posthumously talking from the afterlife. It all started for me when Forrest Gump is talking to Jenny at the grave and saying, he's so smart, Jenny. You'd be so proud. And I remember I got cracked open in fifth grade when that movie came out. That was like I couldn't function.

And there was the other movie that i haven't seen since it happened but i think in eighth grade i went to go see city of angels meg ryan nicholas cage and the end of the movie there's a twist and i didn't see it coming and it has started my whole passion of movies ending tragic i like when movies don't go what you think they're gonna go and it's Romeo and Juliet's like they both and that kind of happens in this tragedy and I remember I couldn't leave

the theater because I was sobbing so hard and my friends all kind of looked at each other like what's going on and I couldn't stop crying it's the only time in my life I really couldn't stop crying and I never happened again it was so embarrassing I think I was just like nope you're not doing this again and i just put that it was too embarrassing i couldn't i couldn't stop and it was all about nicholas or it was about meg ryan on a bicycle at the end and she was free and she was finally going to marry this angel

that she was in love with through the whole movie and then she gets hit by a car and now she's an angel and now he who just became a mortal a mortal um is now gonna be without her and now he has to have this relationship with an angel even though he just got out of a relationship where he was an angel and it was just too much for me and i don't even know why my eighth grade brain like couldn't handle that but that was that was that okay it was so good i love movies that don't give you what you want more i want more of that okay we is this it was so good i love movies that don't give you what you want more i want more of that okay we'll be back after this john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to

stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Brian, what have you been watching recently? Anything good?

Well, guess what's on? Guess what just started up again? America's Got Talent. It's back. Oh, AGT. Talk about crying. And they're not. Yeah, so that's why America's Got Talent, I think, is so good. Because when the auditions go well, you get a combination of happy crying and relief crying. Got it.

It's the relief from all the work you've been doing finally paid off. And someone's acknowledging you. Plus the happiness of succeeding. Yes. Oh, it's so good. You know what a relief cry? Remember when Noah told us that she her favorite part of a hike because i was like why do you like hikes maybe she didn't say this

on air but i was like like i don't understand people who like hikes and she was like i like it because when you see your car at the end of it and that sense of relief sure when you're like no it's done and i call bullshit on enjoying things where you only like the end you don't get to say you like now i'm calling bullshit on no i love noah and everything she does is perfect but um like i set claim to like pilates but i i only like when it's over so i don't really like pilates i like the feeling of dopamine i get from doing something hard and completing it by the way i did discover discover because I just read a little bit and I should have done this a long time ago. I'm trying to figure out why. I'm just

trying to figure out myself, right? Enneagram, all those things. I recently was like, I don't know the difference between dopamine and serotonin. I really don't. Do you know the difference? Not really. I just know that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins, those are the happy chemicals. Well, I don't know where oxytocin and endorphins fit into this, but I do know the difference

between serotonin and dopamine. What is it? And serotonin is the feeling you get of calmness, of sereneness, of joy, of just like a lasting, pleasant feeling after you're at a spa or you're relaxing or you feel like you're hugging your dog and you feel this like love fuzzy energy inside like that feeling. Yes. And then dopamine is the feeling you get. And I'm paraphrasing and I'm probably please, if you know more than me, slide into my DMs and educate me more about this. But I believe dopamine is the feeling you get after you accomplish something where there's something has been there's the relief the doctor walks in the room and it's

like oh it's over or like it's a surge it's like it's an energizing thing of like you find out that you just got something and that's like you know serotonin is the feeling that you have in a committed happy relationship where you feel safe and secure and dopamine is what you feel when the roller coaster is flying down the hill yeah and then coll dopamine is what you feel when the roller coaster is flying down the hill yeah and then globally people say that when you exercise you get your endorphins going so i wonder if that's what endorphins is it's just like yeah because i realized that i'm not interested in serotonin that is not what my body wants i don't like it i don't like feeling safe it makes me feel um uneasy like this is gonna be interesting i don't want it i don't

want to feel i don't like spas like the idea of going to a spa okay this is insane when you go to get a massage i don't know if you've gotten to get facials or massages at like a real nice spa um a russian bathhouse well like even those well like a korean bath spa i know you were making a joke because no i wasn't i do go to i have gone to rush they're amazing yeah yeah well a lot of times girls will get there early and like get their locker and they'll give you like slippers and a robe and then they'll oh they'll give you some cucumber water and then they'll just bring you to this waiting room where you sit with another woman who's just had a treatment who's kind of just on her phone waiting um and you sit and you listen there's like trickling water and it's so serene and i'm like what are we doing like why just bring

me back now i want to go to my massage now i don't want to and then after your massage you're supposed to wait in that room i always get to the these spas and i go i don't need the robe i don't need the slippers like i just let me just take me to the room I don't want to make it and I think that's the difference between that's that's someone who likes serotonin is someone who really embraces the spa day I wish I were more like that and I can't force it it's never gonna be who I am I feel uncomfortable relaxing you know how you you do that act out where um you're acting out I forgot which friend who like moves really deliberately and slowly. Yeah. Pretty much all my friends.

Yeah. Yeah. I love that act out. I've, I've been doing it this I've been doing, I've been referencing you several times this weekend saying like Nikki always does act out. And I feel like I experienced that because let me tell you something.

I was in Texas this weekend and Texas, almost everybody in Texas is doing that where they're just like so slow there's no urgency to anything at all they're just like and and and they're used to it so no one's like freaking out but i'm just sitting there like what the fuck is happening why is everybody so slow it's it's it is a superpower to move that slow. I truly believe that. And I know people that move that slowly cannot help it. But I watch it and marvel at it. It takes, it takes so much energy for me to move that slow.

And sometimes I try to do it because I try to be like an, a Pilates girly when I go down to these classes that I take. And I try to like set my locker and put my crocs into my locker gently and then set my phone gently and then unscrew my water like slowly and deliberately just to like fit in with the vibe of the class and then also my class is called legree it's not even pilates it's like it's called legree I don't know what it is but it's like it means every rep you take every rep you should be five seconds long. So when you go down to a squat, it's one, two, three, four, five. Then you're in your squat.

One, two. Then you rise up. I couldn't take it either. Speed that up. I hope everyone's listening on two times the speed for that section because that was disgusting and that was not on brand for me. But the other day I was in class and this girl afterwards was like, big fan. It was really sweet.

She was like, love seeing you here. I think she worked there and she goes, you got to go slower. And I go, girl, never going to happen for me. I'm not doing it this way because if I go slower, I'll give up because I'm bored and it's harder. It is harder to go slower. And I know myself and when something's hard, I quit.

I don't go, you can get through it, Nikki. Like something has to be about 5% harder than I'm willing to give and then I'll stick with it. But if it's 6%, I'll go, this sucks, you're bad at this give up so i just told her i have to go fast i'm sorry i'm i can't agree i'm just i disagree i don't agree with you i don't agree with you but yeah that deliberately that slow moving person

um is someone who can really sink into serotonin like i watch anya pack a suitcase and i just i can't i i can't i want to go up to the little toggle at the top of her screen and do two times the speed and just see what would happen because but i'm jealous of someone who can be that like perfect with things and gentle and i think that's um that's like that's the kind of person i i wish i was and then sometimes you just have to be like well i'm not and I never will be. If there's one thing about yourself that you could change, what would it be? My obsession, my obsessive compulsive nature.

Oh, like your legit OCD? I mean, I don't know if it's OCD legitimately, but I definitely obsess over things and then it creates huge problems in my life. Yeah, that's OCD. I mean, if your obsessions are interfering with your day-to-day life in any way or your happiness, I think that's OCD. And that's okay. I think all of us have some kind of form of it.

But there are things around that, as you know. I mean, it's also my superpower. That's why I'm a good writer. It's because I perfect everything I i see i try to perfect everything i see the flaws and everything and i'm not afraid to point them out yeah that's why i'm a number one enneagram that's a good point yeah because if i were slower i just would not i've been over this a million times i just wouldn't get as much done in my life but i think i wouldn't stain as many things i wouldn't break as many things i wouldn't be like mad at

myself for dropping stuff and getting things dented and ruined and i wouldn't and now i'm just kind of like that's me well this is me which is the title that's so weird that's the title of this cartoon book that i'm obsessed with this guy asher perlman has a new book coming out you can get on pre-order but i got a advanced copy it's one of the funniest cartoonists it's like you know far side plus new yorker like the best new yorker cartoons i think he's a new yorker cartoonist um yes he is uh he's a peabody award-winning cartoonist asher pearlman emmy award nominated um follow him on instagram i don't know but follow him on Instagram he's so fucking funny these um this book is called well this is me and

I love it so much final thought um did you like our side growing up and like cartoon like I did but I have I have something I need to I want to I need to bring up okay yeah please um have you watched hacks um no I only watched the first season

and I it's not that i didn't like it i just you know fell off i get it i get it hack season three just came out and um i binge watched it it's over now it's over now it's over i'm gonna cry with relief that that is over now okay it's a great show but it's like it's it's hitting so close to home because it's about a comedian and a writer and their relationship and she like just released in this okay in this season of hacks yeah uh gene smart who's playing uh deborah a tired comedian a very tired comedian who's desperate a puffy eyed tired uh so this is the premise of the season okay yes please i don't want to spoil anything so anyone who hasn't seen all three seasons of hacks spoiler alert just me brian me

okay but i might watch it but i don't care you can spoil it for me okay so stop listening if you haven't seen it and you're gonna watch it but i am also in that camp and i think that it's okay to spoil things and still watch them because the show is about the character development not necessarily the things that happen but yeah end of season two uh deborah vance uh releases a special and uh that you know there was the writer and the uh comedian were working on the special together and then they released the special and it's a huge hit smash hit and deborah's career is like blowing up because of this special and then in season three she goes on a roast and and she does the roast and the and it's just all the things that happen in the show i feel like i don't even know what to say about

this like i feel like it's like it's like too too close Oh, my God. But it is like your life right now. And the themes of season three are Deborah Vance dealing with the fact that now she's blowing up bigger than ever before. And she goes, she's getting all these opportunities. She's getting respect from these comedians that she didn't get respect from before. She's getting asked to do all these things that she didn't get asked to do before. And it's just like, this is exactly what Nikki is going through. Whoa, I have to watch this. Yeah.

I totally do. It's, I mean, it's also a very good show. Yeah, yes. But watching it, I'm just like, Jesus Christ. But one thing that's really interesting is that this show was written last year, probably. It was written before The Roast of Tom Brady came out. And so this season's released on Max and they're doing a roast.

And let me tell you, the roast on Hack season three looks like a barnyard dance compared to the grandeur of the roast of Tom Brady. It's like outdated. It's like they're in a small theater there. And like there's the laughs aren't that big. It's just the tables. There's no like big thing that big it's just the tables there's no like big thing and it's not a big deal yeah it's like Friars Club and it's like oh god what's this from the 40s

well that's what it did like Comedy Central roasts look like nothing compared to what they like what is this what this was yeah it's uh okay I gotta watch that you gotta watch it you'll be like this is me why they did they just like follow me well i will say that i saw i hannah einbinder who i know was on a flight that

i was on to new york right after the roast and i was in first class uh horizontal sleeping it was awesome i slept all through the service like didn't get the food and whatever and so when i woke up i was just like so dehydrated and was like i need a diet coke and so i like collected my stuff and like threw on my shoes and my pant leg is like all up because i've been sleeping so it's like one pant leg is up i probably am like affiliated with a gang walking to the the front of the cabin and i go up to the flight attendant i'm like can i get a diet coke and my like hair is all fucked up and I have my sleep mask on my head, like sunglasses pulled up. And it's like half up.

I mean, I look disgusting. And he's like, and this was a funny moment because I thought he clocked me and recognized me. Because he's kind of like, I got you. All right. And he kind of points, he's like lingering and he's pouring the diet Coke and he's kind of looking at me like, and at this point, this is right after the roast.

And so I'm getting recognized all the time at this point in my life. It's not happening anymore, which is fine and great. Um, but at the time it was just like, I was kind of beating people to the punch because they would try to find ways to get into it that I would, and I'd be like,

yes, that is me or whatever. And so I'm about to be like, he goes, listen, we're not supposed to do this, but can I, and I thought he's going to ask for a selfie or whatever. And so I'm about to be like, he goes, listen, we're not supposed to do this, but can I, and I thought he's going to ask for a selfie or something.

And I go, of course. And he goes, do you want the can? Do you want the whole can? And I'm like, wow, generous.

And so I took the can back, not having been recognized at all and felt stupid. But then I see Hannah einbinder walk to the front to get something and she is much more engaged in conversation with the guys she looks perfect her hair is just like that perfect bob that's shiny she's wearing like a cozy sweater like a turtleneck sweater and she's got the sleeves like pulled like they're like kind of on her like she's like that cozy girl that's maybe like walking out on a dock early in the morning to like look at the sunrise with her hot cocoa and she just looks so perfect and beautiful and glowy even though we're

on this dehydrating flight and she walks up to the front and i see her like kind of like laughing and definitely getting recognized by the guy that just didn't recognize me but did give me a full can and they're talking and having this fun little chat i'm like god i wish i was more like that and then she just like heads back with her tea like i'm just like chugging a diet coke like a wolverine who's been starving on an island forever and just found a can in the in the you know alleyway and i'm just like i look disgusting and she just has this cozy tea and i really was like man that's that's the kind of person i want to be she She's so refined and like she seems like a slower, more dignified person. And then I was like, I just am who I am.

That's why I do roast. And she is on TV shows or something. Or she's an actress. There's plenty of she's more measured, ravaging messes who are also on TV shows. But they're not like me like i just see like i saw a clip of her on colbert too and she was like doing this like character and it was so amazing and like just sometimes i can be amazing but it just feels like i'm messy most of the time and when i when i seem to have it all together and seem like i'm perfect it's it's it's something I've worked really hard

on and I think just some people being refined and dignified comes naturally to them because there was no reason that she should look this beautiful on a plane yeah and I just I I really did see the juxtaposition of us and then I told my friends that I saw her and they were like oh my god I love her so much and I was a little bit like i'm in your girls chat can you like don't you i mean it's it's so funny when my friends freak out about people that my one friend has there's this comedian that is going to her gym now and she's like i saw her today and i'm just like easy easy no she was like i would feel the same way about you if i didn't know you that's a yeah that's gif what do you mean you were you you uh it's a easy just went easy with the sunglass going up and down that should be that should be clipped as a gif check it out on our youtube i wore sunglasses

today because my face was too puffy and that's freeing to me and i'm also wearing john mulaney shirt that i got from doing his show it's the coolest shirt it's uh john melaney presents everybody's in la it's so cool um i'm proud to to sport it that was the best part of doing that i like the show was scary but then i got all this like because i was it's live and you just don't know what's gonna happen but i did get they got i got a cool tote bag i got a shirt and i got a la brea tarpitz shirt too because the one from la brea tarpitz was there and i got free passes love the tarp if you ever want to go have you been oh yeah i went as a kid yeah i don't remember it i also went as a kid and my mom got a magnet from the library of tar pits it was on my refrigerator

for my entire life and every time my mom would walk past the refrigerator she'd go tar pits and so that's a huge memory it's's like ingrained in me. That's so cute. All right. Well, that's it for our show today. Tar Pits. Have you seen Tar, by the way? What's her name? No, not yet.

It's really good. I recommend it. All right. We have more show for you next week. We'll be here. I hope you will be too. Thank you, besties, for listening. I'll be in Indianapolis and Cleveland,

not in that order, this weekend. Next weekend, I think Massachusetts. Again, so many dates coming up. Also, my song, Someday You'll Die, is available on Spotify. You should stream it, add it to your playlist, post it on your Instagram stories. If you film something with it, I will probably repost it. I want to get that out there. I still want to promote that song.

I'm writing a new song this week. We'll see how it goes. More music on the way, but more comedy on the way. All new material on the road right now. NikkiGlaser.com for all the dates. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. You know you're my favorite. I love you.

Don't be cute. And I'll see you next week. Bye. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio

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