The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #45 Full of Friendship

Episode Date: June 8, 2021

Between you and Nikki she is so over being jealous and gives Producer Noa some coping mechanisms for loss. Andrew is giddy after using hardwood floors for something people typically do on a bed. He and Nikki had a great weekend of friendship and Nikki finally wrote a song after watching a TED Talk. Andrew reports the news about dancing cave people, men who have an excuse to be vulnerable and a spoiler for the new season of The Bachelorette. Top 1 Bottom 1 gets Nikki to share her most personal thoughts and in the Final Thought they talk about a tickled elbow. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape

your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect

Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him.

From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Yeah, we're moms. But not your mommy. Historically, men talk too much and women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Mom's

Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, everyone. Thank you for listening to the show today or every day that you do listen. If you're new, welcome. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast, your daily Monday through Thursday dose of whatever the hell is on my mind. Good Lord. Yeah, we're gonna have some fun this week. I'm so excited to just, you know, usually when I get home from LA or some kind of like big thing, I think the last big thing I did was the iHeart Awards. I went out there for that. And then on top of that, it's just a bunch of running around LA trying to fit in comedy sets

and podcasts and please remember me industry. I'm someone who should be working and am I important? And please don't forget me, even though I live in St. Louis. That kind of just like hysteria of like trying to get on everything, say yes to everything, say yes to the dress, which is what I did with my stylist that led me to wearing that green dress. I said, yes, that's a new say yes to the dress. It's just getting women who are scared of being perceived as trying to look hot to just admit that it's okay to want to look hot. That's my new say yes to the dress.

It's empowering women who think that they have to pick a lane to lean into their sexual side and not feel guilt about it or shame because other women who wish they could do the same thing are going to make you feel bad about it because either they don't have, they can't do it. Because I used to do the same thing of like hate on, I don't even know how I got on this topic. There's no plan. Let me, is this news to anyone that I have no plan when I do these things?

My biggest fear, let me just say before I continue is that people skip over the part with me, just me alone. Sometimes Noah comes in. If I can shut up for three seconds, which Noah, how are you today? Nevermind.

I don't care. That was just care that was just people like nikki you're the worst no i love when i get to talk to you noah but i did rare you know it's here and there but my biggest fear noah is seriously like i remember people and i am even reluctant to say this because it's so rude and i remember thinking it was funny at the time but when wtf first came on the scene, or gained immense popularity with Marc Maron, people used to make a joke, I heard some joke that there was an app that would skip the first 10 or 15 minutes where he just talks, and I remember Marc hearing that, or like hearing that kind, a lot of comics were making that joke

of like, you skip it till you get to the guest and I used to even make it but it wasn't true for me I always liked his monologizing at the beginning because it always was like very vulnerable and led to things that he probably didn't want to admit and I just got a lot more when he was just it was like stand up you know and uh and so that's my biggest fear is that people are like I always skip Nikki's first 10 minutes and so if you do just never tell me, please, because I won't think it's funny. So that being said, yeah, I used to judge. I still do when girls are like hot because I go like, oh, my God, they're just like trying to be hot. And that's my first instinct.

Now it's not even my first instinct. It used to be my first instinct now it's not even my first instinct it used to be my first instinct and then I would eventually get to a place of like let's be honest you're just like kind of jealous that you are don't have the balls to wear something like that and not care what people think and you're more you're angry not right now not because she's being slutty or being a thirst trap but because she has something that you don't in terms of like not caring what people think. And that's what you wish. So if anyone out there relates to that, and you can pretty much put that on anything, you know, when people get mad at you about something, try to figure out what it is that they're really mad about. Because it's generally they're just jealous that they can't

do what you are doing. And it validates them not doing it if they get to make fun of you for doing it much like I realize my a lot of my resentment towards Andrew for being silly and doing dumb things and saying weird things is that he takes chances comedically that I am too scared to take and so if I make fun of him for it it revalidates the fact that like I'm right to not take those chances because look how embarrassing it is Nikki makes fun of you in front of everyone when really that is just a sad point of view so I try to stay ahead of that thought anyway this weekend so fun um so fun a mixture of fun and not fun but let me just say that yesterday I had a really sad day no I asked you how you were today and you answered me honestly you were like I'm okay because some days you're like good and

then other days you're like I'm okay so why the I'm okay I mean you kind of got into it but your boyfriend's out of town right yeah so his his um his grandmother passed away and then this morning um a good friend of mine texted me that her cat has a blood clot and she has to put her down so it's just like a lot of death yeah well that's and that brings up feelings of you lost your dog last year i know how hard that is so it's probably reminded not if you weren't reminded of it now i just reminded you of it but you know it's all like those kinds of things and grandma's dying happens obviously it's not as tragic as like if you were to say his mom not just because of the closeness because he might be as close to his grandma as his mom i don't know that but grandparents you go okay this is a man who's in his late 30s i would guess it's time to lose that's when grandparents go i'm

i can't even believe he still has grandparents right right um yes but it's still sad because it's death and it sucks and uh and you were alone this weekend and kind of maybe thinking about those things a little too much so you're like kind of hung over from it well i woke up um the other night just like in the middle of the night, thinking like, whoa, what's it gonna feel like when I die? What's that gonna be? Let's say I was in the same situation where I was slowly dying.

Just, I don't know. And I had to just kind of get rid of that and not think about it. But as we age, I wonder if people think more and more about it. They do. I know whenever I get in that state, I can only say what I do is I remember that first and foremost, I read somewhere, couldn't maybe be true, maybe not. Your brain won't let you think about death for too long.

It will find a way to get out of it because it's too much of an existential crisis that you can't. You don't want to. Your brain literally can't think about death for longer than like a minute or like your mortality I think there's some like I read that in some place that I like trust I don't read science journals but you know read it and um I read it on reddit and so that's interesting so you can let yourself go there and know that your brain will naturally find a way out of it because it's too much. I have that sometimes when I get a little bit too high or maybe it's the wrong mixture of getting stoned and my meds and like just, you know, and life. Something I see on TV or a song I'm listening to or a person on the street I pass that with when I'm walking Luigi that looks near death and then I get that thing. What I always try to remember that helps me

is that if you struggle with the anxiety of death, is that before you were born, you don't know what that was like. Like before you shot into existence, you have no memory. You weren't here. You were essentially dead before your parents, before your dad went, and your mom went, yeah, keep coming, keep going. Like, and then laid on her back and put her legs up in the air, whatever it was, or maybe you were an accident or maybe you were adopted. But anyway, even if you were adopted, let's be honest, your parent, someone came. And so before that happened, first of all, you weren't even in, you didn't have consciousness until who knows when. Do people know when babies get consciousness? I think it's almost like you can do weird things like babies don't remember and whatever, it doesn't matter but because there was a time when you don't remember when you before you were born you were essentially dead you can kind of think of death as that way like you weren't we're not scared of before we were born when our parents met hearing stories we're not like oh my god what

so thinking about that anything that happens after you're gone the same way as it's and it could just be before you're born again you know what mean? I truly believe in like reincarnation. And why did I say truly? Cause I don't truly, I truly, the word truly, I used like the alcoholic seltzer, um, in which I, I, it's, it doesn't mean anything. I don't really believe in it. I want to believe in reincarnation, which gives me more empathy for animals that I don't eat or want to help because, or bugs that I don't want to kill because that could be me. And not that this grasshopper has any,

I don't really believe that grasshoppers or house centipedes have the same kind of like, I like my life and I don't want to die kind of things, but they do. I mean, every animal doesn't want to die. I think is essentially why that is just built into the fabric of your being. However, thinking about death is also the other thing that helps me is not listening to podcasts where the podcast host has no idea what she's talking about in regards to these things. But these things do help me is that I also think when I'm scared of death, I think about the fact that every single

person ever has been through it and will go through it. And so can I, because I've done things that other people cannot do and haven't been able to do. And I've been brave enough to do those things. Whoever you are, no matter what what you do you've done things that other people can't do however dying is something that everyone has done you can do it too and that really helped me when I was scared of kissing boys and having sex I was like everyone you know has done this you know not everyone there's asexual people but like you will you'll get to that point and you'll figure it out or a bridge will fall on you and you'll be disintegrated in 0.0001 seconds and you won't feel it at all. And so it'll be a shock, which I hope is how I go. I don't want to have that moment

of, Oh my God, dead. And I also, I would rather just, I would rather either die slowly, which I know sounds terrible. And obviously I'm not like wishing that God, please don't take that. I would like to know when I'm going to go so I could euthanize myself in Portland or Sweden. Those are like the two places I know that allow you to do that. Or I would like to go, um, in a very quick way. I do say, I do recall being hit by a car in 2013, thought it was the end for me. The only time I. Thought it was the end for me. The only time I ever thought it was the end. Saw the car coming, knew it was going at a speed

in which it could kill me, knew I wasn't gonna be able to get out of the way. And my last and final words were, my final thought was, I'm not joking you, what I thought I was gonna think, what I was thinking when I thought I was gonna die was, I can't believe these are your last words.

And what was I saying when the car was coming at me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I put my hand out like it was someone about to drop a drink. Or like a baby that was about to spill a drink on the side of a table. And like, you know, that's like, no, no, no, no. Oh, the milk's going to spill. And I remember thinking, bitch, these are your final words. And then my next thought was, you're in the street and your dress is over your head and everyone can see you in a thong on

10th Avenue and this is humiliating you should get up not you've been hit by a car and maybe you are concussed and that but it was embarrassing to have my head uh skirt over my head so that's what I think about with death I hope that helps you I hope maybe you pass it along to people in your life who struggle with thoughts of death and one last thing that i can turn you towards is a new podcast by sam harris and ricky gervais called just look up ricky gervais sam harris podcast whether or not you like those two people they put they put together podcasts where ricky asks these questions what's it called noah i know you're looking it up it's called absolutely mental yes that's what i was gonna say absolutely mental it's 14.99 for the entire series i think there's like 12 podcasts 10 or 12 which um sam harris does have a business model where you can pretty much get everything for free if you can't

afford it if you just write in i don't know if you know about that it's something that i want to adopt at some point with my when i make enough money to support people who can't afford it if you just write in i don't know if you know about that it's something that i want to adopt at some point with my when i make enough money to support people who can't afford things so they can still have things and then the people that pay can support the ones that don't it's a good system however um there is a podcast episode i just listened to his podcast yesterday sam's own podcast and he said check out ricky and my me we have a new podcast and someone on the Sam Harris forum on reddit was like I can't believe you if you pay for Sam Harris's podcast making sense his like original podcast why why don't you get the Ricky one for free and someone wrote when Sam Harris

when you bought one of Sam Harris's books do you expect to get all of his books for free slam dunk suck it suck it you have to pay for things that you want that are entertainment that people put work into. Not this podcast, though. This is free. Just listen to the commercials. Try to make them entertaining for you. However, there's one podcast where it says, why do we care? Why are we scared of death is the topic that Ricky and Sam get into. And I bet you anything that that podcast, if you struggle struggle with this which a lot of people do that podcast will help you because those guys both come at it from a very logical perspective and also one that uh Sam will have some scientific reasoning that and he's done a lot of psychedelics

and seen things that uh will help you I guarantee it and I'm gonna listen to it at some point but if you're in desperate need for uh solace from the fact that we're all going to die, give that a listen. It's absolutely mental. And I haven't even heard it yet. But sight unseen. Let's get Andrew in here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive

financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week,

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines.

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness awareness and we want this to stop wow very powerful i'm ellie flynn and i'm an investigative journalist when a group of models from the uk wanted my help i went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry i really wanted to be a player boy model my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world

is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me.

We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places.

I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Krems as part of the Michael Luda Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built,

the insights behind what it takes to create a world-renowned product, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them. It was really damn hard. Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop. I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way. Ever wanted to know how Nike builds emotion into the Jordan brand?

You have to be obsessed with the current state of the human condition. And it doesn't stop there. What about how Gleam reinvented knowledge search with AI? You can learn about how a Michelin star chef is redesigning seeds for flavor and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Good morning. Good morning. how'd you sleep buddy i slept good oh you know i was doing an away game yeah you played an away game how was that sex on the floor sex on the floor you ever do

that wait doesn't she have hardwood floors there was hardwood all right oh my god you know what i mean i think no honestly i just i i the bed she has a roommate yeah and the bed's too loud so we went to the floor noise oh was it against the wall why don't you scoot it away from the wall because is it the wall that it's hitting no no no it's not the structure itself it's the structure itself yeah yeah you know you got to build better why don't they make beds that are because for just people that fuck well i was on my desk yesterday having whoa what were you doing up oh hardwood uh i was on my desk just you know on a meeting and i kept hitting it with my knee and the whole thing shakes and it's a it's a desk i got from target i got it put together by a task rabbit who's very manageable like very good but it just it just has a movement to it and i go you know what when fucking george washington

was writing the declaration of independence which he didn't do but you know like i was thinking of some like person things used to be made sturdy really the craftsmanship it used to be great burrow for instance makes great furniture burrow i remember my task rabbit putting it together i got a bunch of furniture from Burrow. And he was like, I've never put together such good stuff. Because in the age of cheap shit and Ikea, things teeter and totter and I'm sick of it. And beds need to be sturdy so you can bang and not make a whole bunch of noise. George Washington would take out his wood teeth to go down on his wife.

There was no noise on that bed. But he would declare his independence from her pussy and then come all over her, like, I guess pulling out is declaring independence. Yes. It's the, I mean, I think. And by the way, declaration of independence, I know that he did not have a, did he have a, no, the constitution. No, he didn't do that. The constitution was later.

It sounds like a year. I know nothing and I don't really care i it would be great if i was figuring out can someone take that whatever nikki just said and make it like a debate like i feel like you could do a debate where i would win and prove to you that benjamin franklin no you're set sail on the you know pinta maria nina pinta santa maria in a pinto in a pinto with a pinto bean um yeah my we know that i know nothing uh about i know nothing history john hancock okay get to herbie hancock yeah um oh my god i was laughing so hard this weekend when i heard conan o'brien's podcast you, I'm so sorry. If you want to get in a good mood, and I know you laugh a lot on this one, I'm almost annoyed because on Reddit

podcasts where it has people talking about podcasts, I love Reddit, subreddit podcasts, because it's just podcast fans, which I'm talking to you right now. If you love podcasts and listen to a ton, Reddit podcast turns you on to the coolest different weird podcasts, but also they have their faves. I've never been mentioned on one, and I don't want to mention my own because it's a conflict of interest, but yesterday someone asked. It's like Pete Rose

betting on his own team. Yeah, I want to put people to know. Someone goes, I just want a light everyday conversation with two friends who just shoot the shit, and I'm like, I'm searching for anyone

listing my show, and it's no one. I go, why isn't Reddit podcast into what I do? I'll take the blame. I need you to get a Reddit account so you can say, hey, I might just do it as Nikki Glaser because I have a Nikki Glaser one.

Anyway, Conan O'Brien's podcast made me laugh so hard this weekend because he was talking about, there's this series he did last year. If you just want to, it's just him and his host. If you're a podcast listener, as you are,

that likes to listen to hosts with no guests i'm kind of over i guess some guests i like but i like podcasts where it's just friends this is why i built this one it's the thing i like to listen to where you don't have too many new guests and like your host like kind of changes like when your mom and dad have guests over and you have to like act different it's just like no i just wanted to be like the way you are all the time conan did a thing called summer s'mores with um his co-host matt gorley and uh his assistant slash co-host um uh sona a mob sessian and it is so funny they did it last summer there's eight episodes i think and they just shoot the shit and talk and conan was doing you just reminded me of it when you said herbie hancock he was talking about being cool with the

kids he's like i know what the kids are listening to cole porter like he just his way of saying cole porter made me laugh so loud on the street people stared i speaking of the street loving our neighborhood right now during the summer haven't been been more happy. It's like I live in the goddamn West Village of New York with how lively and fun the Central West End of St. Louis is. If you're a St. Louisan and you want to see me and Andrew out and about, that's where you go, Central West End. We live nearby. We are on the streets.

We get recognized often. It feels great. We went to the baseball game on Friday night, got recognized a ton it was so fun well friday night was hilarious because we go to go to a restaurant and we walk down there's there's a blues band that i was really into they were a little loud for your ear too loud they were great i mean it was like really good i just love nick he's like okay we're gonna have to find a restaurant far away from this brass. It was like the,

it was the loudest, but that's like the fun of it. It's supposed to be loud. You're outside. It's not like, I understand. No, it was.

If you got too close to it, it really was like, I have, I'm glad it was to me because I feel like I've a lot of damage from listening to my headphones too loud in my ears and going to concerts and sitting close up to the thing. I want to start carrying stuff in my... Like white noise kind of? You know, ear... What are the foam things that you put in your ears?

You know what I'm saying. Earplugs. Earplugs. Thank you. I want to carry butt plugs and earplugs with me in my fanny pack, my new birthday fanny pack that I got from Andrew, which by the way, people have written me

and been like, did you really like it? Did you really? One person did. And I literally can't... I'm wearing people have written me and been like did you really like it did you really one person did and I literally can't I'm wearing it right now and I didn't even plan on wearing it I just love it so much because it just keeps every moment you go where's my phone where's my thing it's like it's on you bitch it's always

on you so I wear it in the shower that would be hilarious if I did and I might please do I think it's waterproof I love it so much I'm gonna get another one in a different color too because sometimes this doesn't match my outfit but I do I love fanny packs it's like my new thing thank you Andrew for getting me the gift that I didn't know I needed which is the best gift so um what was oh earplugs yeah I'm I I think we all need to carry earplugs because it's really um it's really bad like the it was crazy how loud it was

so we went to a restaurant yes we went to one first of all if you're into hookah do what you gotta do I fucking there's a lot of hookah

going on I hate hookah and they can smoke it inside I hate hookah so much it's tobacco I don't understand why they can smoke it inside

Luigi do you what does hookah do for you what does it do some people say it's like a relax it can do high I fucking hate hookah it's such

it's vape but it makes it like cool and like an ambiance. Well, here's the thing. It's vaping. It's just as dumb as wine and alcohol. Honestly, it's just as dumb as anything. No, but drinking doesn't fuck with me. You can drink. I get it, though.

Yes, it does, though, because when people get too drunk, they get loud and annoying at a table next to you. However, hookah is the last to go in St. Louis. St. Louis was the last to, I liked it. I mean, actually I didn't get it, but I didn't mean to like scoot over whatever joke just made you laugh that you said. No, it was good.

People will call right back. Why would you put the butt plug in? That was the joke. About what? Because people get too drunk and loud. Instead of earplugs, you're putting the butt plug. The left turn was a callback to what you should call back to i don't know what it would accomplish with the butt plug and that would make you you don't fuck the guy probably but you want to fuck

a guy that's annoying no the point was the left turn obviously it's the earplugs so i went with butt plug got it got it um it would have made more sense if a butt plug would really actually help you in that circumstance but instead it doesn't but it's still a good joke i'll let it slide slide yeah right up my ass not if you have earplugs on i'll put the lube in my fucking uh what what okay so hookah is annoying but it's the last vest it's the last thing that st louis is clinging onto and a lot of places are it's it's tobacco essentially but it's flavored and has a good smell people like it i believe because it gives you this high i mean tobacco gives you a high when i have a sick when i had my one cigarette in the 10 i think it's been over it's been like

12 years since i quit smoking you were cool and i had one cigarette one time yeah and it like since then and it gets you high the first thing and then it tastes terrible but yeah tobacco gets you high and when i smoke um when charade small used to roll joints or blunts and i would smoke them outside the comedy store i'd be like charade you have the best weed i'd get so excited when i saw him because my body was like whatever he has it's it makes you feel good and then i realized it's tobacco it's tobacco and weed and i was wanting that so it's tobacco but you don't blow that smoke while i'm trying to eat falafel but the thing is back in the 80s smoking was everywhere everywhere. And now suddenly we're like, I can't stand it. Let me just tell you a quick story that I did over the weekend that I want.

First of all, I have to share this thing that I got from this girl. And I will get to everything. Can I just tell you why hookah is worse than cigarettes? Please. The amount of smoke that comes out of a hookah is almost three times the thick of a cloud. I don't want to have to fly through a cloud to get to a bite of a hookah is almost three times the thick of a cloud i don't want to have to fly through a cloud to get to a bite of a gyro i just don't want it but i will say that smells better than cigarettes for sure i don't agree i think it has like that weird like like fake like

like it's like you're smelling plastic somehow i don't know i hate it yeah anyways yeah well their own for sure yeah eat them up um i wanted to share it was the sweetest thing i got but it was a girl i saved it and then i can't find it oh here we go it says hi nikki this is from emma just wanted to let you know that i've been a long-time listener and you've meant to too much to me and helped me so much to me and you've helped me through your throughout your. I'm in the car stopped for a train and it made me think of you. Before I would get infuriated by being stopped by a train. Now because of you, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Now I just think that this is happening for a reason and overall this just doesn't matter and doesn't make sense to get pissed over. I have never received a better message than that because I say this shit all the time and I try to practice it but the fact that someone didn't get annoyed at a train and go god I'm gonna be late and I'm this train is so

long that is such a fucking miracle and I did it the other day with smoking we were at my breath my birthday um my pre-birthday sushi rest did I tell the story about the woman smoking next to us we're getting sushi outside and this homeless woman came and she's a local homeless woman i've seen her a lot she almost doesn't look homeless because she probably has like enough she had a cigarette so she sits down next to our table we're outside i'm with my dad i'm with andrew andrew and dad are their backs are to this woman so they don't see her sit down but i see her sit down at a table she's homeless she's obviously not eating there she's just kind of like in her own head kind of swaying back and forth she lights a cigarette she doesn't

look like she's been having a good day she's homeless like clearly she lights a cigarette and i see i know for sure i'm like check i do the wind thing i lick my finger i'm like shit it's gonna blow cigarette smoke towards andrew and my dad and my dad more so than andrew's anger at hookah my dad hates cigarette smoke so much, even though my dad smoked for like 20 years, okay? And he used to smoke inside. Probably triggering for him. He just hates it.

And his mom died of lung cancer. Your mom has a- COPD. COPD because cop D. COPD. I call it cop D. She's got that cop dick. Yeah, she does.

That makes her illness sound a lot less- Cop D. You want to cop it. Your mom got that cop dick yes that makes her illness sound a lot copty you want to cop it got that cop dick you want to cop it yeah so yeah the cigarette smoke i didn't know who was smoking so so this is what happened and it was you i mean this is not an embarrassing story for anyone so my you i see you smell it first and you kind of look behind you and you don't say anything and then my dad sees it it's kind of like you know and just like does the like obnoxious wave so what would normally happen in this circumstance is that he would make a big stink of it the waiter would come over or he would go grab someone and go there's a woman smoking here she's not eating

and like complain because she didn't look homeless like it wasn't a situation where it was like that and i said and this wasn't me being like i'm mother theresa because actually mother theresa wasn't a good person she's a big smoker she was she was actually like not a good person it's crazy if you look into it so anyway uh i don't think i'm mother teresa but i because i am a good person no i uh said to them i go listen this woman is i go i know this cigarette smoke's annoying i hate cigarette smoke so much it triggers me my migraines. I said, this woman is homeless. And I'm talking at this cause she's right there. I go, she's homeless. She probably

never has a place to sit where like she feels safe, like where she feels like a human being. She's not sitting on the sidewalk. This is actually like a table where no one's going to bug her because she might be a diner. And like the restaurant was so busy that they weren't really checking. I go, let her have this moment. It'll be, cigarettes don't last more than three minutes when you're a homeless woman that's smoking to feel anything other than being homeless. Let's just like get through it. I go, dad, you went through your entire, up until the nineties, surrounded by smoke constantly on airplanes. We can deal with outside this woman next to us. And the thing was everyone calmed

down. And it wasn't because I was like yelling at someone. I was just like, can we just like be a airplanes we can deal with outside this woman next to us and the thing was everyone calmed down and it wasn't because i was like yelling at someone i was just like can we just like be a little bit compassionate and understand that this woman that's the her one respite of the day she got this cigarette and i it didn't even take this long i think it took two seconds to say it everyone calmed down it was a little bit annoying and then she magically gets up and leaves not because she heard me but like it resolved itself without and before she finished the cigarette without having to be this thing where this woman felt sad and shamed so these minor inconveniences yesterday Luigi tugged on my arm and I dropped another full latte that I just paid six dollars and 87 cents for and it spilled all over the sidewalk burning hot thank

god it didn't get on him everywhere and I just didn't care I mean this I don't even recognize the person that doesn't go and that I just don't even recognize her and that is what I got from that message from that girl is that you can really take these things in life that you feel so victimized by and by all means I am not always like this you've heard me on the podcast not be this gentle with life. But when you can let it in and you can let these little minor inconveniences that seem like the end of the world, you can literally just, they kind of disappear on their own faster than they would if you made them a big thing.

So thank you to Emma for writing that in because it reminded me not to get mad at trains and traffic and all the things. You know what? I'm not mad at hookah anymore but well hookah you can be mad at because i definitely but yes but the other night it was interesting because you you were like i'm not gonna eat at this restaurant that was very busy and in like a really cool section because the guy next to us was just puffing out the hookah like a

you know like the pope they just announced a new pope the other thing too is i can handle it once i one cigarette like i know she's not gonna hookah it's it's an hour of just pure smoke and it was right next to us yeah but we went to this other restaurant that had the same kind of food lost crowded and uh there was my salmon incident and i took that very calm salmon incident remember i go oh yeah we went oh my god so we had a waiter no we went to another place yes we went to another place it wasn't and they never came out to we sat there for 15 minutes and they never they didn't come out to help us so we would and Andrew had gone in to talk to the girl she was

very busy we didn't make a sting about it by the way I called them yesterday to get takeout the girl answered the phone she was like can you hold please I listened to her being like yeah I need to black of law and I need to get this okay do you want also do you want to ring that as credit and i just hung up the phone being like this girl doesn't need another order they don't have enough people in there i know it's a friday night taste of lebanon get on it just throw one more guy in there we'll never get to so we went to this other place called kingside diner and i love kingside diner big fan and we got a waiter who was very like distracted and like he had he had a lot on his plate I get it I empathize for him but he's a waiter that decides not to write down your order

and I said to Nikki I go look just I don't like these waiters not writing down the order I just feel like they don't get it right especially when it's like a little bit like switched up whatever you substitute some things I get the ego I get the ego. I get the time management. I get all of that. And then you said to me, you go, well, I worked at a restaurant. I didn't write things down, and I was able to do it. And Les was like. Can I show you this?

So anyway, the guy. So the guy. So I complain about this. Nikki goes, I did this, blah, blah, blah. Next thing I know, my salmon. I ordered a salmon. Walk on the plank. It's the pirate special. I ordered a salmon walk on the plank it's the pirate special he ordered like the walk on the plank I go

what is that and he couldn't tell me because it had meat in it I think you were avoiding telling me no it was salmon okay I don't mind so anyway so then I get my food see Andrews is delayed literally 25 minutes Nicky's food is the one that has to substitute and you take out this and you put in this he nailed it perfect I wonder why he nailed it why don't you read that message

I got the next day? Oh my God. So sorry. We've royally fucked up your meal tonight. I had worked there for a total of seven hours before and I know now that courses aren't a thing there. He's going off menu without writing things down

after working for seven hours. That guy's taking some risks. I did say I had empathy for him. I could tell that he'd been through some shit, but my salmon, he just, he forgot. He forgot forgot it completely and then he kind of like made up an excuse of like oh they they thought the salads were a starter it didn't make much sense anyway he forgot the salmon he brought it out later when he delivered he said it's on the house we were totally calm and fine great and the whole time i was so starving and i don't like to eat before

someone else gets their food not because i'm being which made me hungry because i'm looking at your food yeah but i don't like to eat in someone else gets their food. Not because I'm being hungry. Cause I'm looking at your food. Yeah. But I don't like to eat in front of people that are hungry because when I eat, then they're watching me eat even more, which is with my eating disorder. I don't like when people like analyze what I'm eating and when people are hungry and they're like,

you can just eat. I go, no, because the whole time you're going to be salvating watching me eat. And it's annoying. I'd rather salvate with you and look at my food. That's not being touched. So I wrote back to this guy.

I go, Charles, you were great. Thanks so much for being nice about us being hungry and annoyed. Hunger makes me the worst person. So I'm sorry if you sensed a toot. Hope to see you again there soon. Because I was tooted.

So I didn't even look at him when he got called over. I was not in the mood to be the one to be like, his food is late. So I wanted Andrew to handle it. So I just dug in my purse and acted like he wasn't there. I was being such a cunt. but it was because I was hungry. If I'm in HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, I'm going to be a bitch. So anytime I'm being a bitch and I don't know why,

I'm hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, or some combination. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. I hope you had a fantastic weekend. I hope you had a fantastic weekend. I hope you had a great weekend, man. Really a good weekend. I hope you had all the swells. Yeah, there it is.

I did have all the swells. God, what a weekend. Researchers I like that the music is going like one horn player. I love it. Reminds me of the morning show. Researchers find that cavemen and women had raves by dancing for hours in psychedelic trances while wearing elk teeth on their clothes to act as rattlers

oh my god that's so cool so they would have these teeth on for necklaces that would actually make beats for them it was like the first kind of music it wasn't even on purpose that's really cool i love this story. God, Noah, you always pick stories. And Andrew too. I know you pick them as well. That we work together. Totally get to what I want to talk about

because I found the best thing over the weekend about... So over the weekend, Friday night, we went to the baseball game. It was so much goddamn fun because we live in a building that has Cardinals players in it. I met a Cardinal player in the elevator on Friday. I assumed his day, he had the day off

because he was in the elevator just like chilling. And he goes, I go, oh, day off. And he goes, oh no, we have a game tonight. And I was like, oh, cool. And I knew they were playing the Cincinnati Reds, which is where my family's from. I didn't have anything to do. And then later on, I was like,

dude, Cardinals games, it would be so fun. I was also listening to my ex-boyfriend's radio show that morning. And they were talking about the most fun things to do in the summer in St. Louis. And one of the hosts said baseball games. And I was like, kind of like, I was like, oh, you get drunk at a game. And then I was like, wait a second. I love baseball games. And then it all came together. And my parents, I was giving them a staycation because their Greece trip got canceled because they got

they had to um they were supposed to be in Greece right now and I said I'll get you a really nice suite at this new hotel downtown and then they were going they were headed downtown to that suite they were going to go to the casino because I was like go to the casino I'll give you some cash for it I just was in a generous move thank you uh mood thank you ADD medicine and I um like, go to the casino. I'll give you some cash for it. I just was in a generous move. Thank you. Mood. Thank you. ADD medicine. And I, um, then I go, let's all go to the game. So Andrew looked up tickets.

We got dope seats and we went to the fucking Cardinals game on Friday. It was so fun. That's all to say that then Saturday night I was in a really sad mood because, um, I just, I had, Andrew was going to hang out with his girlfriend. I felt like I didn't have really any friends I not many friends but I just like Didn't actually know that's not the case Saturday we went to a pool party had

So much fun at this at the pool party that Was at our apartment complex Which they have activities for us All the time my dad always makes fun of us because He's been to my apartment enough he's seen the Flyers in the elevator he's always like The National waffle day are you guys celebrating that on tuesday because they'll

do like donut day you get free donuts uh sign up to learn how to make a martini class and they do fun events to get to know each other it's like we're in like a retired nursing home it really is and guess what i need it people need these things because we are so socially isolated i'm ready to jazzercise in the pool. We fucking went down to the pool. I would do it. We went down to the pool to the pool party. Andrew had already been to a mixer when I was out of town still in the Caymans. He met a couple that he had told me about.

I knew you'd love them. He told me I'd love them. Sometimes I don't trust him. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure I will. I trust you though. I knew I would. I wasn't dying to meet this couple.

But we go down to the pool party. There's nowhere to sit except this couple is sitting on a place that has like a couple more seats available and he goes that's my couple friend let's go talk to them we walk around the pool we sit for three hours with this couple they are my new best friends shout out to marissa and pat who live in the building they are amazing when he He's a doctor. He's an orthopedic surgeon. He's brilliant. He's starting at a private practice. She's a nurse for children. She is amazing.

They're both in there. The thing is, we need to find couples that aren't at the kids' stage of their life yet, which they aren't. They probably will be soon because they just got married last week. But I was like,

we need to find younger people to hang out with. She's 20, I think she's 30 and he's 30 as well. 34. Okay, he's 34, she's 30. Perfect age for us

as a 41 year old man and a 37 year old woman. They are so fun. They are so nice. I literally told this girl everything about my life that like, if she called up someone

and like, she could ruin my life with the stuff she knows but i trusted her i um got her number we i have friends in the building we left that i was like full of friendship we talked for three hours and i love i'm just talking ufc the whole time while nikki's talking like relationship stuff we're having like it's like we're a couple where we like break off a couple that found a couple friend yeah and i we haven't even talked to them we're gonna start walking to dinner and you're gonna the two girls are you're gonna walk

in front like 10 feet you know how every couple does it's the greatest thing you are my husband that we don't like you have a girlfriend it's amazing it's like all i've ever wanted um so much fun so then after that andrew left to go hang out with his lady and I was like still feeling just high off of making a new friend and I was listening and I decided to I wanted to write a song I was like I've been talking about it a lot I've been talking about it to literally um a lot of just my therapy type people that I talked to about like I have a song in my heart I don't know how to get it out I've been talking about it for months and months and months and I remembered when I was a junior in high school before long before I wanted to be a

comedian or anything to do with comedy I had Mr. Herrig asked our AP US class which he would be embarrassed which out AP Euro class actually and he was like what do you want to be when you grow up and I had never even considered like what I would say to that I was always an actress but obviously in in high school I wasn't very good at that so i didn't want to say that in front of the class and i really truly wrote singer songwriter he had me stay after class because he was so inspired by it he gave me amy man's cds and all these different singer songwriter women cds and was like amos maybe i remember amy man the most and um uh elvis costello and he he was, you really need to know these people to understand songwriting. And I just felt like, oh my God,

like I forgot about that moment of like, I wanted to be a songwriter and being a comedian is a lot like being a songwriter, except it's not as sincere. So what I did, I Googled how to write a song. This is Saturday night, six o'clock. How to write a song. A TED Talk came up, Noah.

And this is where I'm getting into the caveman thing. A TED Talk came up about how to write a song. this kind of quirky guy that is kind of says k stuff sometimes but he's really cute 24 minute long ted talk to a bunch of people that are probably not songwriters in the crowd and he he writes a song with the crowd he's like anyone can write a song this is how you do it we're gonna write a song together now and i learned how to write a song very simple and i promised myself before andrew left i go i what did i say to you you're gonna write a song before you go to bed i can't go to sleep tonight until i write a song i will not allow myself to go to sleep i also had the rule of i will not go to sleep until i tackle the laundry in my room to fold because it's a big pile

on my floor like literally a mountain range of clothing and i need to write a song i got both of those done that night what did you do what i learned what i learned from the song what did you do first i did both at the same time actually so what i learned was that music and this anyone can write a song you guys because he he asked the audience he goes what are why why do we write? And I want you guys to try to guess. Why do we write songs? Noah, Andrew? I mean, either to tell a story or to get an emotion out. Noah.

Yeah, I agree with Andrew just to get out a feeling. I would have said the same thing to emote a feeling, which is a part of it, but you hit it on the head to tell a story. Before we had recordings, before we had. When before we had, you know, recordings, before we had writing, before we learned how to write, before we had learned how to draw in caves, we only, before we had,

we told stories around the campfire and it would, you know, we would only learn lessons. And for the next generation, if we would memorize stories, what's the best way to memorize a story, a lesson? Through a song. A, B, C, D b c d e f so people put

stories and lessons and feelings into songs so that they could pass it along to other generations and to me that was so beautiful it was the same way that cavemen did raves like we there needed to we wanted this thing that we all do now that has no matter with technological advances, we still enjoy raves, right? Listening to music. And, but it all stems from the fact that we want to be, we want to be happy and stories pass along messages and lessons that will improve life and make life better or express an emotion that will help you get through the emotion that might be hard for you. So when I looked at it that way, I was like, okay, what's an emotion that will help you get through the emotion that might be hard for you. So when I looked at it that way, I was like, okay, what's an emotion I have? This doesn't

have to be perfect. The first joke I wrote was garbage. It was like when Siskel and Ebert get into a fight over if movies are good or not, do they thumb wrestle? It was literally that. It was just like, oh, it's good. And that wasn't my first joke, but it was one of my first things of intentionally writing a joke. That doesn't define me as a comedian. You always think that like someone's going to ask me, what's the first joke you wrote? And if it's not good, people will know I'm not Chappelle. Well, I ain't Chappelle. And I bet Chappelle wrote a shitty joke at first.

And I bet most people wrote shitty songs that you love. I bet Taylor Swift's first song was shit. So I wrote a goddamn song. It was very easy. And all I did was follow the TED Talk. And I'll leave you to go watch that TED Talk. It will be the easiest thing to find. Just type in TED Talk, how to write a song.

And I wrote a song. I wrote two songs actually this weekend. Something that I've been putting off my entire life. No joke, because it's too vulnerable. I might be bad at it. I did it. I was bad at it, but it is easy. And I also want to say that it put me

in a really sad mood because i had to access feelings that i didn't know that were there and it made me so sad it was such a great way to feel my feelings i sobbed yesterday because i just why did it make you sad though because you said you emoted a lot but like what exactly because i i don't know what it was because i'm so out of touch with my feelings and i don't understand them and i push them down when they come up because i just feel so ridiculous that when i let myself think about the like i was writing a love song kind of thing of like uh like just processing some feelings about a romance and i think just trying to write those lyrics and put the feelings into

words brought the lyrics to the surface where the cry was like up here in my throat and i just was like on the phone with someone i go listen i really need to cry and i don't want to do it on the phone with you even though she was like oh you can cry to me i was like i just really want to do it when i get off the phone and i hung up the phone and then i did a podcast to the person that i was wanted to talk to that i can't talk to. I did a fake podcast where I just, it's like writing a letter to someone, you know, and I just cried through the podcast and it only took five minutes. And then afterwards I was like, I'm good. And it was like, it was crying so good. It's such a release. And I never let myself do it. Next story. I mean, jokes, when you write a joke,

so much of that emotion, you try to, you try to throw it down. You try to make myself do it. Next story. I mean, jokes. When you write a joke, so much of that emotion, you try to throw it down. You try to make fun of it so it doesn't hurt. But you've written songs before. You wrote Alligator Boy, and I'm jealous that you wrote Alligator Boy. I think that's why I make fun of Alligator Boy, because you actually took the chance to write a song that I actually like. Yeah, but I should add a couple verses, which I have done a little bit. Yeah, you can, and a bridge.

And a bridge. And then jump off it, because that song sucks. Man, which I have done a little bit. Yeah, you can. And a bridge. And a bridge. And then jump off it because that song sucks. Man, well, that's a TED Talk. No, I do love that song. Sounds, man, a roller coaster in that sentence. I know. I really put you through it. I want you to write a song about how I judged you for Alligator Boy.

Next story. Next story. Okay. Ryan Reynolds was inspired by his three daughters to speak openly about his own mental health struggles. Yeah, I saw this. I saw him put out a thing. Yeah, he put out a thing about how he has anxiety and how he's an overworker.

And when I felt the absolute bottom, it's usually been because I felt like I was alone in something I was feeling. The actor said that when you talk about these things, it feels set others free. It will help set others free. Yeah. things it feels set others free it will help set others free yeah um interesting to see a guy like ryan reynolds who has a beautiful white wife blake lively he's always so funny he always plays characters that are so light-hearted for him to admit that uh it just it makes me so sad when i see people that i'm like you could be free of this if you only knew how, if you only felt about yourself the way others think about you.

But that could be said for everyone. And I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse that Ryan Reynolds struggles. Because to me, if Ryan Reynolds is struggling, it makes me feel so sad for anyone that doesn't have as many accomplishments as him. Because it just makes me sad for humanity. Like, he doesn't need to struggle.

I want him to find the path to not feeling like we need him to work all the time. And like, cause it's there. And, and I think that there's something about posting about it and saying that you struggle, but there's also something about saying like,

here's what I did to not accept that that has to be the way it is. Like, I don't think we have to accept, of course we can accept feeling less than and feeling tired and feeling, you know, pulled in all these directions. But we don't have to accept that as like the way life is. Like we can just, we can do things that don't make us feel that way. And that's what I want to find. I feel like I found it kind of comical though that like that he had to like, I do it for my daughter.

It's like that bit that I've been working on about about like you can't be vulnerable as a man without an excuse and like it goes children always give you the excuse and he's like because of my daughters i can admit that i have like i feel like the next step is no just for you ryan it's just for you bud like you can just admit it yeah people without daughters can't go i i cried um i'm doing this for my son spike listen whatever gives you an excuse to do it but you're absolutely right you're right because there are people out there that are like maybe guys out there that doesn't have kids or a wife and he's like i want to dress up in a tea party hat and like because you have the joke about guys dressing in like little like is that the one you have yeah yeah yeah yeah the one about you gotta that you have to blame he blames his daughter like the toughest guy i know can only

be soft if he has his daughter as a scapegoat like sports so he dresses people always having their children on the like next to them when they're doing the reporting suddenly it like they can cry yeah yeah yeah yeah oh there's so much love there. I could finally- That'd be so fucked up if they only had kids and a wife so that they could like finally cry which I'm sure happens

of like, I want to just be more vulnerable so I'm going to let in this like feminine energy when really it's there for you at all times. It is. All you have to do

is put in a fucking tampon, you pussy. And then blame your daughter. And then you cry. And then you put out a little, oh, Ryan Reynolds, you're so so sad is there was the pressure too much you know i would see ryan all the time because i when i walk dogs for you i also had

one other client who was this rich real estate guy who had two toy poodles uh he was so ocd about his dogs he would make me dude he wanted his dog to drink out of the same bowl right but he didn't want me to give the dog too much water so he goes fill it up half i go why don't you just grab the smaller bowl he's like well he likes that bowl right like that's kind of the idea it's his control on the dogs yeah yeah nothing to do with the dog i remember i came i was taking a shit and i heard him talking to his toy poodles no be like and i was taking a shit and i came out and he's like yep all right yep that ball seems good um but anyways ryan reynolds and blake lively lived in this building and so did jake gyllenhaal justinberlake, and Jessica Biel. Any juice to spill? The Weeknd. Yeah.

Give me the one thing that's not going to get you in trouble that you can tell us about celebrities that might blow the lid off of something. Can I give you a hint? The Blake Lively story? No, the paparazzi. Oh, yes. The Weeknd lived there for a while. And Hadid, they were in the same. I think it's Gigi.

Maybe it's Bella. maybe it's bella and gg's married to zane okay they called the paparazzi on themselves this is happens apparently a lot i never saw i know i'll tell you i was in the lot i was in the lobby and i see them waiting together holding hands looking out the door waiting for the paparazzi to get in the perfect spot to take a photo before they came out and it was just so organized so and and i was like man i should maybe get involved in this and so when they walked down i was in the i'm in the background in on i think it's still on your instagram unless you took it down no no i'm kind of weird feverish like wiping my instagram so you

can see andrew in the background of the weekend and bella hadid's shot looking like uh it just proves that celebrities even when they're like no paparazzi no they've called them and it's all set up so just don't unless honestly unless it's princess diana it's pretty much that or britney back in the day they're all they all set it up and they all thrive on the paparazzi to exist even myself and what i got from blake lively though and i think ryan might feel alone because she's a little what do you mean i mean like for an example one of the stories was is she brought this is all anecdotal anecdotal do you know allegedly yeah yeah uh on the roof they were supposed to build like a um what you would call it like a gate or whatever so you can't fall whatever a fence and she was showing that it was not safe by using her own kids by showing how they could fall off okay i have support all this but by bringing the kid up

and showing yeah i would do that close to the ledge i would do that you wouldn't use your own kid well if it's definitely a safe you could just tell them without using your own kid no i think you bring up the kid you go look at exactly how this could happen i don't think it's wild at all i support blake and the nose job that made her career uh take a a different turn um it did her nose job but i like that you like have to defend her in this situation. I almost feel like it's contrarian. I'm not contrarian. I swear to God, that story, I would do the same thing. If I used Luigi and I held him out on the roof.

Held out like a blanket? Yeah, the kids were like a foot away from, like she was using them on the ledge. I swear to God I would do the same thing because if it's safe enough, you would go, okay, so it's safe for me to bring this up here, but here's how it could for Marion

okay so then use a dummy don't use your actual kid who has a dummy of their kid laying around let's get to why do I care even though I feel like we're already in it

why do I care why do I care if you're new is our celebrity news segment sometimes celebrity news will be in the before it but most of the time it's a celebrity news story that's like why do i care and i try to find some

reason why i care all right when asked about her new season of the bachelorette katie thurston reveals that she did have sex in the fantasy suites okay she told reporters so you heard it here first we all know it happens but no one's talking about okay katie thurston is um the woman that showed up to matt james's bachelor season season with a vibrator right out of the gate. She was carrying a vibrator, and she said, you know, I'm going to need this. And it was like a joke thing. And she at one point started, she kind of ganged up on other girls at one point, but she is one of the two Bachelorettes leading into tonight's opener. If you've never watched The Bachelor or Bachelorette before and you're a listener to the show, stop.

Stop it. Just stop trying to be cool. I said it in the, I could. This was where the could was in my MTV monologue that they took out. When guys say, I've never seen an episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette. Could.

Wow, are you a doctor? Are you a science rocket scientist doctor okay it does what it says about you is that you're scared to like something that's a little bit gay but you can blame your daughter to be gay you can blame your daughter it's not gay it's actually entertaining as fuck and it's really fun to watch with other people i might invite marissa and pat over tonight to watch the premiere i'm doing caitlin bristow's podcast off the vine tomorrow where we're going to recap it. So if you want to hear a recap of the bachelorette tonight,

um, on ABC pattern, I'm going to watch, we're going to lay in bed and watch UFC together like real men and hug the whole time so that you don't have to punch each other. That's the thing I learned about both be the little spoons. Um, that's why I care is that,

uh, so the, she had sex in the fantasy suite, something to look forward to. That means that, uh, this bitch, uh,, so the, she had sex in the fantasy suite, something to look forward to. That means that, uh, this bitch, uh,

got some, got dicked down in the fantasy suite, which is when you, the, which is the final stage of the bachelor series, which has already been shot, um, at this point.

And that is the night before it's pretty much the weekend before they decide who they're going to pick. It's down to two guys. And she slept with one of them, at least one of them. That's kind of what The Bachelor does though. I feel like it keeps it, it's,

we're watching the morning show right now, the TV show. I feel like The Bachelor doesn't let it get that dirty. Like they like to keep it on the surface because they know

middle America. They don't want to talk about, you know, doing anal in the shower or whatever. Yeah. They don't want to. That's why I'm very excited

about a new show that I might be hosting coming out this summer oh boy i can't tell you anything but hopefully this week it gets announced um flavor flavor let's get to top one bottom one it's our monday morning uh afternoon night segment whenever you listen to the podcast top one bottom one we take a category we list our top one of this category and bottom one. It's pretty much most favorite and least favorite, but we say top one, bottom one. We go around the horn, Noah included. Producer Noah, who is in Arizona, just got approved to purchase a house down there

in Tuxon, Arizona. But today's subject category. Is it Tucson or was that on purpose? I say Tuxon as a joke. Oh, that's what it's on. It should be that. That's how my. Is it Tucson or was that on purpose? I say Tuxon as a joke. Oh, that's what it's on. It should be that. That's how my dad says it too. Yeah, your dad's right.

I love your dad. I still use the brush that your dad gave me. Your dad gave you a brush? I still use that brush. I don't know how your dad. Hairbrush? Yeah, hairbrush. It was by Moroccan Oil.

You gave me a basket of Moroccan Oil stuff, which is great products. Does your dad work for Moroccan Oil. You gave me a basket of Moroccan Oil stuff, which is great products. Does your dad work for Moroccan Oil? Yes. I bought them yesterday. Moroccan Oil. No way. I should have texted me.

Dude, I need a new brush. The round brush he gave me was amazing, and I use it all the time. But what I do, girls, this is a cool hack for your round brushes. If you get too much hair in it, which mine gets so much hair in it almost immediately immediately and the bristles are so hard on that thing that they can sometimes hurt my hangnails that i've been picking at and like puncture them and make them bleed if i'm

trying to get the hair out does anyone know what i'm talking about yes you do i do okay so we can make my like i just picked my nail yesterday because i was having anxiety and it's like an open wound and if i were to clean out my brush right now it would stab it and make it bleed again and give me a whole ring of issues so what i do now is i use a scissors that i use to cut my brows like a tiny scissors or any scissors and i cut through one of the tracks of the brush cutting all the hair which feels very gratifying because you cut through the hair and then you can peel it off very gently you cut four times like quadrants and then it comes off very easily and you don't have to and then you make a ball so very gently. You cut four times like quadrants and then it comes off very easily and you don't have to,

and then you make a ball. So that's what I do. And I've been using your dad's brush for like three years now. Great brush. So top one, bottom one. Speaking of things, wait, Noah, what's the category?

The category is things in our bathroom. Okay, so things currently in our bathroom, top one, bottom one. We're always gonna start with bottom one. Noah, kick kick us off what's the bottom one thing in your bathroom okay the bottom one thing in my bathroom that i hate looking at is this 200 microdermabrasion wand that i bought that totally doesn't work 200 microdermabrasion wand yeah it sucks your skin oh yeah i don't like i don't want to see the company because i'm not very happy with it right you don't want backlash because maybe you're just doing

but i want people to not buy this it is interesting though like the more you pay and a thing doesn't work the anger you oh yeah because you have to throw it out it's a whole box with it as a kid here we go if it was five dollars can i can i buy it from you and you send it to my mom my mom will love it and not use it but she'll just love having something expensive it has my skin cells on she don't care she like buys everything from goodwill so uh sure i did read though the other night on reddit it was a question and ask women and it said what instagram what have you bought on instagram that you deeply regret and there was one that was what have you bought on instagram that you are so excited about i'll do that for reddit dump tomorrow

because i saved it there's so many good products i want to tell girls about and bad ones to avoid but one of them was the uh the ones that suck the dirt out of your pores there was like it has that function it's that's bullshit yes if that works girls we'd all have one it doesn't work and i want to say and the commercials are targeted because i've been looking for microdermabrasion around tuxen and i just like everything is like med spa med spa i just want like a regular facial yes i think because i was searching for it i was targeted yeah oh this is if someone knows of a nice facial place that isn't a med spa that noah can go to and get a nice night microdermabrasion please let her know uh noah injection noa injection is her

Instagram and you can DM her that or you can write into the show at the Nikki Glazer podcast at gmail.com or you can leave us a voice memo at the link in our Instagram bio. And by the way, our Instagram is private. So anything we post there is only for fans that have like requested access. So

that's just for you guys besties. Okay. That is a great answer noah bottom uh object in your bathroom andrew oh were you not ready i'll go yeah you go okay my bottom one i have it with me um in my uh fanny pack i grabbed a couple objects so that i could talk about them well let me see the one that i brought that was bottom because i have a couple tops oh shit okay oh no i brought all tops fuck okay so i'll say the bottom one is because i brought all tops and i'm only going to do one even though the other day i'd said one object from andrew and i did four corners but it led to fun so the i make the rules and i can break the rules but the number one thing

i hate in my bathroom right now is fuck why didn't i why did i grab all things i liked this doesn't even make goddamn sense i was just so okay can i do one that i changed my mind on okay this one's good actually i hated this at first so my nephew and niece came over to my place probably a month ago uh with my uh sister and brother-in-law and they always like to take a bath when they're over to get place probably a month ago with my sister and brother-in-law. And they always like to take a bath when they're over to get ready for bed so they can stay a little bit longer and the kids can just like take a bath. I have no toys in my bathroom. They went in the bath and took a bath quicker than the showers I take, which I literally take 90 second showers. It was so fast. And I go,

what happened? And my brother-in-law, Matt said, there's no toys in there. They were like picking up your razor and being like toy. And they were there's not hammerhead shark with sharp teeth and they're like it was dangerous so they left and in my bathroom are they left all their baby clothes because they changed the new clothes and he forgot to take the old clothes so i've just had baby clothes in my bathroom that i moved all the clothes but it just made me feel like i i don't know maybe i'm a dark person it made me feel like i because kids don't live here that they like i had murdered kids and like they left like their i don't know, maybe I'm a dark person. It made me feel like I, because kids don't live here, that they like, I had murdered kids and like they left like their, I don't know what it is,

but it made me feel like a serial killer that had like these little artifacts of kids that were once here. I hated it. And I literally kept having this thought, I couldn't even pick them up and get them out of the room because I was like, it's just too,

I don't know what to do with them. This weekend I washed the clothes because I was like, I'll just be a nice aunt. I'll give them back washed, right? But then there's a barrette that my little um niece had a cute little pink barrette that is so cute and it does nothing it's like an inch long and it looks like like it's a little barrette and it was sitting in my bathtub and I felt like it was like I felt that lovely bones like scariness of like I read a lot about kidnappings I think a lot about kidnappings and terrible things that happen to children

I don't know why because nothing happened to me and I don't have any dreams of doing anything to kids other than loving them in a very responsible way But it made me think that I had murdered a child a tiny child and that this was like my artifact And it was in my bathroom for so long and I didn't want to touch it I didn't want to do anything with it. And then was like what are you thinking why does this cause you so much consternation every time you see it nikki why don't you just embrace it and be like and keep it pinned up on the side of a rat like so now every time i go in it's pinned up and i go it reminds me of poppy and her cute little hair and it's not a sad thing and it's not a creepy thing

and so it went from being the thing i hate the most because it makes me feel like a serial killer of children which i don't even understand i don't know why i'm admitting this to you all but now it's my favorite thing because it's just a cute little barrette that like makes me think of poppy who is just the the light of my life okay that's my bottom thing andrew what's your bottom thing but is that your top thing what was the bottom thing that became a top i make the rules all day uh so um i don't know it's so hard because no i'm i just as guys we don't have as many different things he probably has nothing in his bathroom you know that's the thing no he has so much stuff no there's so much

you know what i hate but i love what i love fucking wet wipes but i did not know that you can't flush them down the toilet okay you and i fucking know that you can't flush them down the toilet. Okay, you hate. And I fucking hate that you can't flush them down the toilet. I bet you still do because you don't have a trash bin in your room or your bathroom, so I know they get flushed. I know they get flushed. Can I finish? But why are some things flushable like toilet paper and then a wet wipe is the same size? Babe, it's not about the size.

It's about what it's made out of. So you got it. I just bought trash bins for us. So why don't they make wet wipes that you can. I just bought a trash bin for you got it. I just bought trash bins for us. Why don't they make wet wipes? I just bought a trash bin for you because I don't want you flushing those anymore. I don't even use them anymore. Okay, so that's a great thing. If you flush wet wipes, just know you're a bad person that's doing something bad for the world.

When you really could just hold on to it. I know it's gross and has poop on it. Hold on to it. Walk out of the bathroom and find a trash bin and wrap something around it so that it just goes in the trash. It's the least you can do for the environment. But can they make wet wipes that, why don't they make a toilet paper wet wipe? And I know,

if anyone knows of it, please write to Andrew, Andrew T. I think they have a biodegradable one. It's just not as thick. Okay. It's not as thick as a regular baby wipe. Or we can get a bidet for you.

Well, if you have a biodegradable wet wipes out there, if you're a company, please. I do hate that as well. I don't, I, when I see wet wipes and then there's no trash bin in a boy's bathroom, I go, what the, or a girl's, I get really mad because I just know that's not,

same with a tampon cartridges, girls or pads. Don't flush stuff. It's really is like this. I know that it's so easy to just do it or it's the example that I set an example for myself. This is years ago before I would like wanted to be a better person. I started feeling really bad about every time I went to a public restroom and you do the

paper towels or whatever and you throw it and there's let's say there's it's a it's a trashy night out at a bar and there's paper towels everywhere on the floor. Right. And like toilet paper and like you drop a piece of toilet paper or paper or you're pulling it off and a part falls on the ground that isn't used, a little piece. Or the trash bin's overflowed and you kind of throw it and it falls out and falls on the floor. And you go, who cares?

I'm gonna leave it because there's already shit on the floor. Just pick it up. I made a rule for myself, almost like break your mother's back step on a crack, that if I ever leave a piece of paper on a public restroom toilet floor or any toilet floor where i'm not cleaning it myself that i that that will be bad karma for me it will come back in some way because it's the least you can do and it just makes you feel good that you don't contribute and you're not careless and think that because some woman who probably doesn't have the greatest life has to bend over is going to

have to bend over is going to have to bend over or reach in a direction maybe she's already picking up trash but she's gonna have to reach a little bit further to pick up your little trash so save her that time and just create a rule for yourself that it's the smallest rule and maybe you can teach me other rules you have like this that make you like superstitious but i've created a superstitious rule around never ever letting a piece of toilet paper or paper touch the ground in a public restroom and i've probably kept this for about eight years now where i do not litter in bathrooms anymore and sometimes it's gross and you have to touch the bathroom floor to pick it up but better me than a woman who didn't do it in the first place yeah who's getting

paid minimum wage it is wild to me that some of these people they go into a public bathroom and they treat it like they're mad at everyone in their life. They are. And so let me piss on the wall. They are. Let me piss on the top. It's funny you say that because they are. Yeah, they are.

That's where it's coming out of. That's where, I know, but why? If they liked themselves and they liked their life, they wouldn't do that. And if they had respect for themselves, they would have respect for the person who has to pick that up. But it's very hard to do. It's the one place where they know they'll get no'll get no repercussions no cameras there's no no accountability so it really is a good thing to do because it's making you accountable to yourself or to god or whatever might be watching you in that bathroom and it's a it's the top thing no what's your top thing in a bathroom

tumbleweeds uh tumbleweeds yeah i don't know what that means but sure meaning like one person starts this and then it creates an environment where, oh, I can throw it now too. So if you do, if this, if you are someone who has done this before, because I was someone as an adult who was throwing paper on the ground for a

while. And then because it just seemed like everyone else does, why not? Right. If you adopt this, let me know and see if, if it changes the way you think about the world a little bit, because I think it might help.

No, I'm not perfect by the way. So don't ever think that I'm proselytizing i don't know what i'm doing noah what's your top i want to say wait before i go to my top one i want to say i am a person who does that like i'll just pick up garbage in the street and there's something that i really like about like if someone sees me they probably think oh this ordinary woman is crazy yes and then i just like i just like picking up like if i see a receipt floating around or something at the top like near the taco truck i just pick it up and just put it in the car i love that i love if it's a clean piece of trash because the thing is think of how many pieces of trash you haven't picked up in your life even as

a kid when you were less aware of the world even if you're fucking greta greta i don't her last name is hart from thurnburg she probably has contributed to trash as a baby that she didn't know I still remember a piece of gum wrapper that flew out the window when I was four years old out of our van and I remember being like where is that gonna go what bird is gonna choke on it and having that awareness and I still to this day I picked up trash when I was in Cayman islands on the beach which i really recommend because although it seems like you aren't even making a dent in the world in terms of how much trash is in the ocean and truly you're not what it does do the best thing about trash on the beach

is that it's all clean from the ocean so you're never i picked up trash for an hour the grossest stuff went after everything not once did i pick up a thing and go, ew, because it's all clean from the salt water. So it's actually the best place to pick up trash is that you'll never get something that's rotted or soggy or making like smells because it's all washed. So I recommend trash cleanup anytime. And just, and if someone thinks you're like a weird homeless person,

cause you're picking up trash, kuh, kuh them because you're cuh-er than them. Because you have you don't care. So, Noah, what's your top thing in your bathroom? Okay, so the top thing in my bathroom is I had to bring a hairbrush and it's filled with my hair. Yes. It's called, I just bought it a month ago. It's called a wet brush.

Yes. And I like it better than the bristles because the bristles make my hair look like poof. Poofy? Oh, like bristles like on the one your dad like the round brush like that so why is it a wet brush does the water go through the brush um i have no idea why it's called a wet brush because it's a really great brush to use through your hair when you're detangling there's many wet brushes i've been using wet brush for a while it is a brush that is very soft and uh will not tangle your hair as much and it's called the wet brush and I

think pretty much every woman has probably seen these or heard about these I don't want to say every woman and if you haven't and you have tangly hair it's a really gentle brush on your hair and what a great product to showcase I love that you got one and it's a pretty pink color it's glittery so cute okay my number one thing and I have three things in here and it's i'm reluctant to show you which ones um is wait i had this this and then the clip but i thought i oh i have okay let me see which one okay so from one of our sponsors unique vintage i would i got to pick out a couple things from there which by the way everything i picked out fits perfectly get so much compliments on i didn't really want new clothes because i'm on this

thing of like i don't i only want second hand but i picked out unique vintage because they make vintage styles in new stuff and and they were a sponsor and they um i was like okay i'll pick out some stuff i picked out this choker that has a heart on it. Okay. And it is not something I'd wear out because it doesn't match many things I have. I, maybe I would put it with, I almost wore it for my birthday with my Taylor Swift shirt and my like badass outfit I put together.

But I sometimes I, this is in my bathroom. I don't know why it was in my bathroom, but it was. So it counted. I sometimes wear this when i masturbate because it's like bondagey it's hot it like it chokes me a little bit so it looks like almost like it has a heart on it so it's like love and i am now starting to dress up for myself uh

sexually so that i can make myself like sometimes i'm wearing underwear that i'm like this isn't that hot i try to dress up the way i would if i was hooking up with the guy sometimes when i really get into myself and the other night i felt ridiculous and i feel ridiculous admitting this in front of andrew and you know and my room and my listeners not as much the listeners because you guys are just like not here and if i run into you on the street in the central west end of st louis i will be embarrassed that you know this about me but i like kinky stuff i like bondage not for every sexual encounter i have but i'm entering into it by wearing uh what i would say is like a collar like i realize like i want to be kind of like a slave sometimes like a

doggy like a doggy like like good girl you know there's no that's not a coincidence that when carla forster had a joke that I like, I haven't bought from her, but she gave it to me where I, I like when guys say good girl so much that when I heard a guy say it to his dog after she shit, I like got wet. And,

um, and I realized like the way that dogs get talked to sometimes, and there is porn where girls act like dogs. I do not like that porn. Don't recommend that to me, but I like being an aunt, like a, a,

like I have to do what you say, but you're nice to me. And, uh, this collar with like i have to do what you say but you're nice to me and uh this collar with a heart on it from unique vintage thank you as you didn't know you were a sex supply store but you are and thank you also for the jumper uh sure do you do you um i've only worn it once by the way and i've masturbated probably like 10 times since then okay since the one time i wore it well i'm just wondering are you in the moment? Like, are you horned up and then you throw it on or is it a whole setup? No,

like for instance, the other night I was trying to write that song and I decided to clean my room. And, um, by the way, I, I,

to, to get me to do anything that I'm scared of, I, I can do it if I film it better. And this is not about the porn thing there's not but the songwriting thing I decided to just like record myself trying to write a song and talk about it talk my way through it and so I might turn it into like a YouTube video someday of just like this is my first attempt at writing a vulnerable song it's so embarrassing

so I filmed myself cleaning my room as I was working out the beats of the song and while I was cleaning my room I a song came on I was listening to working out the beats of the song and while I was cleaning my room I a song came on I was listening to songs that reminded me of the song I was writing and that's what I said in the video but then another song came on after that kind of got me horned up because it was a song that someone had put on a playlist for me that made me think about having sex with that person and I just started getting horny I would hung up a poster of taylor swift on my wall with tape like a teenager and i was kind of horny and then i i did a thing where i like kissed the poster but i knew i was being filmed by myself but i like kissed the poster that wasn't why i got horny but i was just like my room was like lit in a way i was like alone for the night i knew that

like maybe i was oh and i was trying to fit the rug underneath. I put the rug that was in here underneath my bed. Did you passionately kiss this? No, I was doing it as a joke for the camera. Okay. Cause I knew that it looked like a moment. I forgot the camera was on me, but I wanted to make,

if I ever do anything with it, I want people watching it to think like, Bo Burnham-ish. Yeah, it was, it honestly, I was inspired by Bo Burnham. I realized that later on.

So I was in there. The reason that I got horny is that I was putting the rug underneath my bed and I got so my bed is very heavy because it's a really sturdy frame made during the Declaration of Independence. And I was lifting one end to put the rug under and then I go to the other end and pull it up. And I was doing it all by myself. And I was saying, I don't need a fucking man.

I was saying it to myself. I was like joking, but I was like, I am doing something that is so laborious for a a gentle woman to do and i was like if i had a boyfriend this would be so much easier or if i andrew were here it'd be easier but uh i didn't and then i was like thinking about like what if i just like called up a a guy to like come over and be like can you help me with this drug and then like we ended up banging it's kind of like presented a porn id idea of like that's a way to get a guy in your room and then it just then i got it horny and i didn't put on the necklace at night but that what i did put on a nice pair of underwear and bra and almost i can't even get it i'll get into

what i almost did later because it was wild you put a gown on no it was wild but i can't say it yet because i haven't done it once i do it because i almost did it but i just couldn't do it but i am a sexual deviant i just want to say that it is if no one knew that but i like as long as i'm not hurting myself or other people i i'm gonna let myself uh you know nurture the things that i am drawn to which is this uh necklace andrew what's the top thing in your bed you're gonna get some hackers out there trying to get into your shit what do you mean like because you're like I video

video I would never video myself doing anything sexual at this point unless it was with like a partner or I was being paid a lot or I had a it worked out so it leaked accidentally because I wanted to save my career my my favorite thing. I mean, I've talked about it.

Recticare, which I always put on before I jerk off. You know that. Yes. Because it really puts me in the mood. No, Recticare changed my life. I am a man that has a horrible asshole. As many people know, I've had anal fissure and i've had hemorrhoids but the fissure especially crying every night taking a shit thinking preparation h didn't work nothing

worked i was literally crying every night it's the worst pain on earth and recticare literally saved my life like literally like saved me from depression because it numbs your butt and it allows you to live another day and now anytime my butt hurts after i eat spicy food and you know hard chips i take down some recticare i don't take it down i put it on and uh it really does it changed my life and uh and thank you recticare for being over the counter too because if i had to get a prescription i'm too lazy and i probably would never get it and i would just live with the pain um i love that you discovered this thing that has brought you so much relief for this chronic issue and i love how i bet so many people have gotten turned on to to this and have no idea

that there's just a simple solution to your pain i had no idea that this was like i just saw it in cvs i like stumbled on it like literally i bet uh yeah because i was hurting so bad i was walking on all fours well it's a similar thing to when you had um scabies and you just were like dealing with this immense firing pain. This is like 20 years ago. But you went to the doctor. You finally cracked and went to the doctor after a hilarious story when you had to pretend like you had a rash on your hand because the doctor was too hot

and you didn't want to tell anyone. The nurse was too hot. The nurse was too hot, so he made up another illness even though he was there to get his scabies taken care of. So he made up another illness on the spot, didn't get treated for the scabies, but then finally got treated for the scabies.

It was a balm they gave you, right? It was just who told you put the balm on a doctor did someone tell you put the balm on i didn't tell you put the balm on you put the balm on do you know what that's from yeah larry david well yeah seinfeld seinfeld i didn't you know you don't know what's in a balm jackie childs his uh his lawyer the glove don't fit yeah he put he put a balm well he's he's after the glove don't fit guy but he um he puts a bomb well he's he's after the glove don't fit guy but he um he puts a bomb on uh kramer puts a bomb on a burn that is about to secure him like millions of dollars because he got burned by a coffee company because he put coffee in his pants because he was trying to sneak it into a movie theater a mocha latte and uh and all of a sudden

his his burn disappears and they're going in to get a settlement from the coffee company and jackie childs is like, Kramer, who told you to put the balm on? You don't put a balm on. He goes, a doctor told me. And he was like, I didn't just give you a balm. You don't know what's in a balm.

It was hilarious. So the fact that you just needed one balm and the itching went away immediately for the thing you've been suffering with. Like literally within an hour. For months. Scabies is literally the second worst thing that could happen to you.

I would love to hear from our listeners about things like this that they suffered with forever. Oh my God. And then you have one thing and all of a sudden it goes away and you go, why did it take me so long to do that? And I think it could help other people. I think Mark Norman dealt with something similar, but he had a yeast infection, like a male yeast infection and he just kept putting it off. You just put things off because we're afraid of the doctor because we're afraid

what we're going to find out, but that's the place you should be the most calm. Final thought. The other day, my elbow has been doing this weird thing where at first I felt like someone's gently touching me on the elbow to be like, hey, I'm over here, you know? And it just feels like the gentlest touch on my elbow elbow and then i realized after a while it was not someone it kept happening it was just like a tingle on my elbow on the skin almost like someone outside touching me and there's nothing on there there's like a little patch of dry skin but it's not that then it started to feel like a like a like almost like a little like a an inch an inch no a spasm is different i have those all the time this felt like an inchworm crawling like a very delicate like you know like a spider web touch

of on my elbow and then it felt like maybe it was underneath the skin there was something wiggling and i i would just and then i would acknowledge it and rub it and it kind of go away and i kind of want it to come back and then it would a couple hours later and i told andrew about this because it's been happening for weeks and weeks now and he said you that you maybe go to come back and then it would a couple hours later and i've told andrew about this because it's been happening for weeks and weeks now and he said you that you maybe go to the doctor and i said absolutely not because i know of a skin disease called morgellons i don't know if you've ever heard of it um but i am fascinated by it my mom will not allow me to talk about the skin disease i told her about it once and she's can't handle it because she understands that so many things are mental and that if you start thinking about having something,

you can actually give it to yourself. And I know that people don't wanna hear that and they wanna think that their pain is from a thing that happened to them. I didn't, I'm not choosing it, but even if the pain is in your brain, you're still not choosing it. It's the same, you can still get the same sympathy from me maybe not from your dad but from me everyone gets

the same sympathy whether or not you have as someone with anorexia that got judged for like why don't you just eat and I didn't know why I couldn't eat but I just couldn't I've lived on the side of having something that I am everyone thinks I'm doing to myself but I know that if if it were my choice I would eat I just can't so I understand that mental illness are not something you choose and I finally accepted that even though it took me many years so for me I have empathy for anyone going through something that's like mental and that's pain that is from their brain and that they're imagining it and doctors can't find anything on scans i will have the same sympathy for you if a doctor found a tumor same whereas a lot of people don't get that but what i realized morgellons is a disease and if this is triggering turn it off

because i don't want anyone if you hear about disease and then you start to have it let's not go there that's this is you don't need to listen but it's a disease that um they think is linked to lyme disease which is a whole other thing which is a government uh it's which is a cover-up people have lyme disease so many people have lyme disease anytime you see a headline that says blank and blanks like a celebrity's mystery illness finally discovered was lyme it's always lyme disease anytime someone is like i have chronic pain no doctors know what it is i have a chronic thing headaches or uh fibromyalgia all these things that like people can't really put a a pen like a name for it's lime it's always fucking

lime and lime is uh i don't want to get into it because i don't want to like be mysteriously killed in the middle of the night by uh you know i'm serious like i think it's a huge cover-up i have a friend who suffers with lime and can get no doctors to treat her because it is such a expensive illness to treat and so mysterious that insurance companies won't cover it and so they act like lime is curable in 30 days and it's not it stays with you and does really weird fucking things. Justin Bieber has it. Yeah, and people that have, they think that ALS is a form of advanced Lyme. They think that Alzheimer's

might be a form of advanced Lyme. They think that Parkinson's, fibromyalgia, all these things that come up and people go, I have this pain throughout my body. You might have been bit by a tick and not seen the ring and not treated it. And even if you did treat it,

it could stay in you. There's different forms of it. I don't know any of the science behind it, but I just know this. So here's the thing. Morgellons might be a form of Lyme. I watched this documentary on, I think it was Amazon Prime called Skin Deep.

And it's about women and men who suffer with Morgellons. And it's so sad because they have these lesions on their skin that open wounds that have fibers in them, like weird little pieces of like under a microscope. It looks like hairs and like blue hairs that your body does not make. And people go, it's from a sweater. It got stuck in your skin. And it's like, I don't own a sweater. And then they put the fabric under all these tests.

And it's not a man-made fabric. No one knows what the fuck it is. And it's fucking lime. But these people are ostracized from their community and their family because they have these itchy skin problem that it just, it rapidly gets worse and no one believes them. It's so tragic. And Joni Mitchell has it of other people. Um, and it feels like they have insects in their skin. It's's terrible my mom literally can't hear me talk about it i feel like this could be a little bit of that in my elbow and that's not to say so let's say that i got bit by a lime tick early on and i have it i do believe that even if you have something you can mentally not go there and stop it in its tracks because i have stopped a cold sore before

in its tracks i have stopped back pain in its tracks before that led it so I couldn't put on a shirt by just mentally going, nope, we're not going there. Yes, I have a little inchworm that sometimes crawls on my elbow. I'm not going to the doctor. I'm not going to give it life and I'm not going to give it the power that I'm going to make an appointment and focus on it. If it gets to the point where it's my life is unmanageable, I'll get help. But right now when it's just once in a while, I feel an inchworm on my elbow. It makes me check in with myself and go, maybe something's trying to tell you something. I think of it now as like a ghost being like, Hey Nikki, I'm right here. Your friend that died a couple of years ago. Like I just want to tap you on the shoulder and be like'm here like i think of it as like a ghost friend tapping me on the shoulder because it doesn't hurt i know but

i i i agree and i disagree i i i i had numbness in my hands i have had um like my whole side of my body go numb before i've had uh spasms like crazy i've had weird itching like like things and then i would just ignore them and a lot of it was mental of course but then like when i finally did go to a doctor and found out like eliminating things does help if it is changing your life my this is not at a point where i would ever go to the doctor because it's not hurting my life i literally just go oh david is talking but to think that it's the start of magellan's or whatever but it's not this it that's what i could go to and that's's the start of Magellan's or whatever. But it's not the... That's what I could go to and that's what I could

because it does sound... But it sounds like you are going there already without going there. Do you see what I'm saying? I know, but even if I'm going there, even if I have it, I think that I could stop it in its tracks because I'm not blaming someone that can't stop it in its tracks and goes, oh my God, Nikki, you think you have control over Morgellons or cancer or anything

in your body? You don't? I tend to believe I do because if my mind can get to a place where I go, thank you for, I stopped the fact that I stopped a cold sore in its tracks when it was already at the point where it was going headed to a blister. And the, everything I read online said, this is the, if you've had cold sores before, you you know the point where a point of no return you know what i'm talking about the fact that i was able to meditate and say thank you for coming i acknowledge you but you you already made i know you're a sign of me being stressed and i'm going to meditate and get you away and it was able to go away i think i have mind control over things and by saying mind control i also mean i have no control because no one has control over anything

that they do. But I believe that going to the doctor before it's inconveniencing my life would be giving it more power than it deserves. But the only problem with that is a lot of cancers, they start with little symptoms. I believe that. Little things. Yeah. And whether you think you can stop it or not, genetically, you can't. I know.

And a lot of people die just like steve jobs thinking he could stop his cancer by eating plums or whatever the hell he did yes but i don't think that i would do that because i feel like if cancer was killing me i would try to do the like if it was actually physically making my life hell my thing is is like i think like if you have something in my boob and it didn't hurt i would do something about it because yes there's enough thing but if I felt a lump in my if I felt a a tickle in my boob that somehow like I was in your room I try to listen I try to listen to my body and go is this necessary or not of course and a little inchworm feeling phantom inchworm on my elbow not enough I've been the king of overreacting asking my dog my dad to feel my balls because

he's you know because you're having a bad day man yeah yeah no but he's a doctor same joke and uh and you know i thought maybe i have testicular cancer because my balls were you know bigger than i even imagined and uh and he felt my balls like reluctantly and and i've i've gone through the ringer of like overreacting that said, if something does feel very awkward, getting something early and figuring it out is by far the best thing. How many stories have you heard of like, I went in for this thing that I didn't even want to get checked on

and then it turns out they found 18 tumors in my gallbladder that I wouldn't have even known about. And one of our friends is an orthopedist who's... Our new best friend is an orthopedic surgeon. Who does shoulder and elbow. And you could ask him over... About my phantom inchworm. Just be like, what is this over here?

I'm not going to until it starts to hurt my life. I'm going to ask him. And I... I'm going to pretend I have it. And if you have a phantom inchworm, let me know what you did about it. But right now, I'm not going to do anything. Thank you so much for listening today. We have a full week of shows.

This is one of my favorite podcasts for me. I feel really good going into the week we have a lot more to cover this week and we're gonna have so much fun I'm in town usually I'm like leaving town I have to go somewhere I'm in it again we're chilling chilling like Luigi

chilling like Christopher Columbus all right guys thanks for listening to the show whether it was your first time second time or know, I don't know. What is this number? 53? It's like, right? 40 something.

Okay. Well, thanks for listening, you guys. And write in to us and we'll read your listener mail on Thursday. Yeah. Jackpot. Okay. Jackpot. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.

If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice

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