The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #454 Dog Stories, I Love Amsterdam, Hoofdingang, Ingrid Andress Video, Health Spas

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

Nikki and Brian talk about their dog-sitting stories ranging from STL to Las Vegas. Puppy tricks and yearning for a big backyard soon change when "Hall Ball" is introduced. Nikki wants to move to Amst...erdam (who doesn't?) and frequently checks home listings, is this where she retires? The language is already hard to learn, but we are fans of "hoofdingang". Also, we do an Ingrid Andress video watch along...cringe and we feel terrible for her! Brian gives us a full update on his health and final thoughts: how many health tests does Brian need to get? Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. I am in St. Louis, Missouri, alone. Well, my dog's in the room, but I'm back home'm Nikki Glaser. I am in St. Louis, Missouri alone.
Starting point is 00:00:45 Well, my dog's in the room, but I'm back home in my home studio. Good to be back. Brian is in Los Angeles. What's up, Brian? Yeah, what's up? I'm in my home studio with my dog as well. Yes. Oh my God. Dog life is so good. So you're loving the dog. You like being back in the dog life. I mean, she didn't like recognize me because honestly i had her for i think four weeks before i left for europe and then she was with her dog sitter for two and a half which is like the same amount of time so i think she just thought that was her new
Starting point is 00:01:14 owner and she was probably sad uh to see her go but then chris was with her a couple days before i got home but i got home yesterday and she uh barked at me at first and was alarmed but i had sunglasses on. So maybe she's not a fan of the podcast. She's not used to seeing me like that. She doesn't watch our YouTube channel. So half my face was covered. She's more of a tiger belly fan, I think.
Starting point is 00:01:36 Yeah, yeah. And so she would be a tiger belly fan because she just loves, the word just belly is like very crucial to her. She's so cute and I love her, but yeah, she barked at me at first and then. Wow. And I didn't take it offensively. Like, that's the thing. Animals can do no harm to me.
Starting point is 00:01:56 Like, they can do whatever they want and I'll never take anything personally or be like, she doesn't wake me anymore. I'm just like, you be you, girl. I don't care like i like people sometimes ask why i i my my parents have my old dogs uh luigi and marion and the reason that i didn't take them back from them because i gave them to them because i was living in new york and it just made living there oh i forgot to turn off the ac so i'm sorry if you guys hear that um it's just too hot not to this what i'm
Starting point is 00:02:25 gonna say even though i don't it's not true but it sounds like it could be anywhere in the country it was yesterday but now it's not too hot i'm just too i'm too lazy to do it and i think it's just it's for the best that i don't because i'm just feeling really lazy right now yeah you're hot and bothered yeah i've and so i gave my dogs to my parents because I was in a four floor walk up and it just became like brutal to walk them up and down. And they didn't like the stairs and they don't like shitting on the sidewalk. And so I was like, I just want them to have a better life, even though I love them. And it made my life a hell of a lot better, too. So we both benefited from it.
Starting point is 00:02:59 But then when I moved back to St. Louis and I was able to, like, actually have a dog again. First of all, my parents didn't want to give Marion back because because they love her so much and luigi they would have given back but luigi really liked living there and he's also too big to travel now because he's just a he's just a chonker he got too big and i can't carry that thing around and he has a better life with them and he doesn't like leaving them in one time like he would do little sleepovers with me for the past couple years where i would just borrow him for a couple days and we'd just hang out like we used to um you know when i was his owner and one night he was coming over for a sleepover which he did not ask to do and i'm just like get in the car and he gets in the car reluctantly and then i just
Starting point is 00:03:40 open the door and i go do you want to go back and he just instantly juts out and i go i just called my parents i'm like luigi's at the door he's back and they're like take him and i'm like no he wanted to be with you and i'm not hurt by it like i just want him to have a good life so yesterday when she barked at me i there was i'm glad there was no part of me that was like she doesn't remember me because all it takes to get a dog to love you is just like hang out with them for a day and feed them and give them snuggles. And then I'll be her number one. Whoever is giving her the most attention is her number one.
Starting point is 00:04:10 Yeah. Well, I mean, over time, that'll get harder. It'll take longer than a day over time, I think. Okay. If you own this dog for years and years and establish this connection. I want her to be a transient pup that's just whored around. Because that's what she is right now she's like dogs are like that no what's going on when i was uh picking out dogs to foster um and then
Starting point is 00:04:32 eventually i got jack i remember one of the dogs i walked i walked around this man was holding the dog and he's like you want to try walking this dog around i was like sure he handed me the dog and the dog like didn't even notice that someone else was walking him yeah there was no difference he could have handed the dog off to like hitler and he would have been totally fine with it and i was like i don't know if i want to foster a dog that like i don't well i'll foster a dog about you but i don't want to adopt a dog who like doesn't even notice that you're a person. No, the thing is, my dog is not totally just like, I've been tossed around so much that I'm just numb to any new person.
Starting point is 00:05:11 She just likes everyone. And I love it because she's just going to have a ton of people who she's always excited to see when she does get to see them. Like her sitter, who she had for, was with her two and a half weeks, cried when she dropped her off. She was going to miss her so much. And she's been texting us being like, can you send pictures of the dog?
Starting point is 00:05:30 And I'm like, wait, who's sitting for who? She's like requesting footage to make sure she's okay. I'm like, yeah. So we, so this weekend, like I'm out of town in Vegas and I don't want to bring her because it's just too hard to be in a hotel and on the strip walking a dog and it's hot and so and then chris is trying to get work done here so i was like let's give gracie a couple days with the dog and get the dog sitter back in here because she like is constantly she's like i miss her so much so it's like now she has a bunch of people who love her it's so nice that's very good. I bought Jack to Vegas when we went there for the Superbowl. And I have to say,
Starting point is 00:06:06 there's no place. There is no place in this country. That's worse to bring a dog than a Vegas hotel, because it takes like 45 minutes to leave the hotel so that they can piss. Yeah. It's not ideal. You'd probably have to carry Jack through. Did you carry him most of the time?
Starting point is 00:06:23 No, I walked him. I mean, he he was he could do that walk oh he can't it just takes forever and it's like if i want to walk the dog i mean four times a day or something i can't take an hour every single time that's the thing with my building is like that's why suddenly i'm looking at houses because i have never cared about having a house until i had a dog and i'm like oh every time this has to pee, I have to walk down a hallway and then go down. You know,
Starting point is 00:06:47 I think I've talked about it before an elevator and then go outside. And it's like, if I could just, it, the difference between having a dog when you have a yard and having a dog and not a yard is a really big difference. Y'all, I didn't even think about it,
Starting point is 00:06:57 but it is a big difference. Like you just open the door and your dog goes out in the backyard. That's amazing. And yes, they need exercise and you should, but a lot of you don't do it as much as you should with walks because you don't have to because they do have a yard that you can convince yourself they can run around and the great thing with her is is that i can get her tuckered out within five minutes like full blown like if
Starting point is 00:07:15 you had a dog like a um a weimaraner or something you would have to go run this thing in the park and i guess throwing the ball having a dog that plays fetch is so great because you can tucker them out so quickly but it's you have to teach a dog how to play fetch we do we play a game called hall ball where i throw it down a cat like the hallway and she runs so hard i have to do it like five times her legs are so tiny and she's dead and then she has to go sleep for five hours she yes it's great um so maybe i don't need a yard in the house but i was looking up apartments friday night or saturday night when the assassination attempt broke i immediately texted chris and was like let's get an apartment in amsterdam let's let's move to amsterdam i'm serious i'm not joking about it anymore i'm literally looking at property i want
Starting point is 00:08:02 to have like a small place that's just a getaway literally to get away not just a little beachy getaway no like i need to escape so um you can and you should and it's not just for the escape but it's like you if you can why not yeah and i loved amsterdam so much when i was there for harris tour i was like just obsessed with that town and I found this cafe with this food that I just can't stop thinking about. I talked about it already, but I just,
Starting point is 00:08:29 I can't stop thinking about Amsterdam. And so I was like, yes, a reason to go. Not that, you know, you can never escape anything that's happening right now globally
Starting point is 00:08:38 with the weather and everything, but it seems like a pretty good place to like die. Sure. I mean, there's lots of places that are great to die, but it feels like this is like a full character arc to like die. Sure. I mean, there's lots of places that are great to die. But it feels like this is like a full character arc for you.
Starting point is 00:08:48 Like you've gone through a transformation. Because I recall before you went on your European tour, you were like, why leave the country? I don't want to speak different languages. I don't want to experience these cultures. I know. And now you're like, wouldn't it be nice to have a little getaway in Amsterdam? Where I don't have to do work and I can retire if I just live in Amsterdam? Wow.
Starting point is 00:09:10 Yeah. This is all a big change. Well, because vacation rules. And if you don't take one, you never know how good it can be. And so you just are addicted to work. But people who are addicted to work don't take vacations because if they really let themselves do it, they'd realize how fucking sweet it is not to work oh yeah i loved it i like it i mean i think it's probably me picturing amsterdam like this place where i don't i just don't have to do anything today and i just walk around and
Starting point is 00:09:34 tonight i get to go see taylor swift like that was my life there but i just liked the weather i know i was there for a really nice time of year i liked the vibe i liked the the smell of the air i liked the vibe of the people that were not judgmental but not overly excited i just liked it and i'm like what can i could i be famous in amsterdam like my my parents have a friend who's a musician who claimed only to be famous in holland like he can go over to holland and he like cannot get around and so i was like can i be the can i do that i was almost gonna say his name and then i was like no i'll have to take it out because i'll be worried he sees it and it's gonna be a whole thing um but yeah i i i was wondering what i could do over at amsterdam and then i was like
Starting point is 00:10:13 wait i looked up like what's it like to be an american in amsterdam i'm not even joking i was like i'm i want to eventually have a plan to move there and so on reddit i found this thing about you know someone was like i'm moving to amsterdam from the states can people tell me like what's the biggest differences culture shocks and the only one that stood out to me was that shops and restaurants close at five five and stores yeah nothing's open well there's one night a week where it's it's called like noctiternal and it like they're open till eight and it's one night a week where it's called like Noctiternal. And they're open till 8. And it's one night a week.
Starting point is 00:10:47 Cirque du Soleil? Jesus Christ. I swear to God. 8? Yeah. And so that would kind of bum me out. What do they do? What do they do?
Starting point is 00:10:54 Do they just go to sleep? I hate the taste of Starbucks over there. I don't know. I don't know what they do. How do they eat? I mean, obviously you can cook. But like every single night, 5 o'clock, it's all shut down. Like what if you work?
Starting point is 00:11:08 I don't. I think everyone doesn't work. Everyone just cooks. Nobody in Amsterdam works. They all just cook. And then dates. I guess if you're dating at night, where would you go? I guess bars are open maybe.
Starting point is 00:11:19 Okay. But I don't know. Like that was the one thing that I was like, I don't know if I could do that. But I really did love this one word I came across in Amsterdam. And I want to try to figure out what it is. It was like, they have a lot of like bing ding dangs in there. Like they'll just throw the word ding bing dang. Like those ding bing and dang are all over the, what's the? The lexicon?
Starting point is 00:11:43 No, what's the language called? Dutch? Dutch. Yeah, okay, thank you. I'm really bad with languages and, like, countries. I'm really, like, I show how stupid I am when I start talking like that. I literally thought, this was embarrassing. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:11:58 I thought I almost translated in front of someone who was in Switzerland, but I just thought zurich was in sweden i just thought i stopped at the sw and i just like committed to it and i was translating things to swedish to like communicate there and luckily never said anything to anyone but i definitely looked at your infection to take to a pharmacy and like was in swedish so i would have said just in swedish so i would have said just in swedish to someone that i should have been speaking to in swiss german all of a sudden i we're two nights into zurich and i'm like this whole menu is in german like this looks like i
Starting point is 00:12:35 go swedish looks like german what an idiot okay you kind of look swedish you if you start speaking in swedish they would have been like, oh, she's from Sweden. Okay. Literally, this is the word, Brian. Are you ready? Because I only know this word because I was trying to find the entrance to the heiress tour. And so it was like on my ticket, it said entrance B. So I'm looking for this word.
Starting point is 00:12:59 And I'm so glad. I did not confirm then that it was entrance, but I'm glad because I just looked up entrance dunch and here it is. Hoof ding gang. Hoo look at think of seeing this word gigantic hoof ding gang b it sounds like a horse gang bang hoof ding gang it sounds like a uh it doesn't even sound like a made-up language it sounds like a made-up language. It sounds like a made-up language. Like if you're thinking about like Elvish or something in a fantasy novel, it kind of makes sense. Hoof ding gang. I wanted to ask someone how to pronounce it. I mean, I guess I could look it up. What a silly, unserious language.
Starting point is 00:13:35 What a silly word. And it made me go like, maybe I want to learn this language because it's so funny. But I just, I could not believe that they had signs that were literally that said hoof ding gang. And everyone was just like, yeah, go to hoofding. I mean, I'm sure there's English words that make them go. What are you saying? But that really got me. No, we're culturally insensitive here.
Starting point is 00:13:53 But I do think if the language is already that ridiculous, I can't imagine doing comedy in Dutch. Every single word you say is is is nonsense. I really feel like the Dutch people. I remember I performed in amsterdam so i can't remember what the reception was like i would remember if it was horrible so i'm sure it was just like fine but or or it could be really good i tend to not remember great and fine i only remember horrible but i would have expected them to just be like kind of like that's funny, I guess. Like polite, but not like laughing. Like, I wouldn't as what I know about the Dutch people, they're just smilers.
Starting point is 00:14:32 And I like that. Like, I dig that vibe. But yeah, what was your initial reaction on Saturday night? Oh, wow. Switching gears without getting too without getting too honest. We can let's talk about it honestly and cut it. All right. that fast. Without getting too honest. Let's talk about it honestly and cut it. All right. Well, welcome back to the show because we got off on a tangent.
Starting point is 00:14:52 And I know it just like cut out there. But you can only imagine the things that we were saying and discussing regarding just the news of the weekend. And when I say the news of the weekend, we got our facts straight. Now we really have true opinions about the girl who sang the national anthem last night. And that's what we're going to talk about when we get back from break john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of
Starting point is 00:15:28 correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get
Starting point is 00:15:43 your podcasts. We're back. My dog's going crazy. She doesn't understand that I'm recording a podcast right now and I'm not in the mood to play. But did you hear the national anthem last night from that girl? So I didn't hear it. That was the only thing I didn't see. Can you give me the lowdown?
Starting point is 00:16:02 Yeah. Olivia, can you play it for us? So I only heard About it because I opened my phone and it was Everywhere immediately last night and As someone who sang the national anthem At a parade Publicly it's A very hard song and I didn't
Starting point is 00:16:17 Really do that well at it at all Like I'd give myself maybe a D Plus like not good but I got asked to do It and it was a small it wasn't that big of a deal So and I didn't think it was going to exist anywhere And I think it probably does but like I'd give myself maybe a D plus, like not good, but I got asked to do it and it was a small, it wasn't that big of a deal. So, and I didn't think it was going to exist anywhere. And I think it probably does,
Starting point is 00:16:28 but like, I don't care. I'd like it. You learn from these things. It wasn't on this scale. And also I'm not a professional singer. So if I sounded like a D is really moves up to a B for the learning curve for me, because no one expects me to be any good.
Starting point is 00:16:43 This girl's a professional singer and all i can feel for her is i feel i feel um sad and embarrassed and i'm sorry for her talk about sympathy wait i don't even know where this was what where was this it was at the like home home run derby what what do they do like they do some kind of like is it that yeah no home run derby was yesterday all-star break in ml like is it that Yeah no Home Run Derby was yesterday All-Star break in MLB yeah it was A big event I mean it was a huge baseball Stadium and
Starting point is 00:17:11 It was not good In a way that's so like I don't even know I don't know that I've Ever sounded this bad and this girl's a professional Singer so I don't know what happened and Apparently she's messing with her in-ears During it oh I don't even know if I can watch it is she a professional singer and like she's a pop star or what yeah like she's like a burgeoning country star i think okay ingrid andrus okay
Starting point is 00:17:35 four-time grammy nominee by the way four-time grammy nominee it says yeah what's happening i gotta look this girl up. Okay, let's listen. Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed By the twilight's last gleaming Okay. She almost just bailed. I like that. By the twilight's last gleaming. Okay. She almost bailed.
Starting point is 00:18:08 I like that. Bright stars through the perilous fight. She's just nervous. I can hear it. All the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming Poor thing. And the rockets
Starting point is 00:18:31 red glare the bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave She doesn't look like she knows
Starting point is 00:19:09 It's not going well Someone said There was an instant meme that said This was a rough weekend for America's ears She looks like a Heidi Gardner character. She looks like Heidi Gardner. It's almost like it got so bad at the end, it almost felt like she was doing it on purpose for comedy.
Starting point is 00:19:32 Honestly, I think that's the track she should go in. She should. So I looked her up. She's a four-time Grammy-winning artist. Grammy for comedy album? Oh, God. She's born in 1991. She's Born in 1991 She's 32
Starting point is 00:19:46 Her breakthrough single More Hearts Than Mine Peaked at number 30 On the Billboard Okay We gotta listen to More Hearts Than Mine You know what
Starting point is 00:19:52 It doesn't matter Because you can sound good In a recording studio Her single The Stranger Peaked at number 49 On Country Airplay She's released two albums She has also
Starting point is 00:20:02 Co-written songs For Charlie XCX That's a big deal yeah um grew up in michigan okay she's been on the show perfect pitch or something pitch slapped no she was in a group called pitch slapped on the nbc singing competition the sing-off which is like an acapella show do you remember that uh-huh so she is a history of singing yeah but i was gonna i decided when i was listening okay she's nervous and she's tensing up and like it is like trot i've talked about it on the show unless you're relaxed like you cannot sing and if you're
Starting point is 00:20:37 nervous but also the echoes coming back to her she looked but then i saw her and she looked very relaxed she looked like she was enjoying you know what she was doing a lot of these like flourishes and had that she has that weird like bjork style voice where she's like not really using like a human accent or whatever that is i think yeah yeah yeah where she changes like the wording of yeah and i feel like that's that's happening a lot now with like younger uh singers or something where i'm just hearing in like pop songs like people are doing like little baby voices or something i don't know what to call it but it's a very strange for a while what what what is that
Starting point is 00:21:16 and why and is that good it just is easier to sound like this and sing like this like instead of saying instead of saying like um i went to the store yeah or it's like stir stir well it it does help with singing to change the way you say some words like it justin timberlake kind of got poked fun at for it but you shouldn't have noticed it's gonna be may may is easier to say than me like singing me is not easy so most people when they say me when you hear me in a song they're saying may but i thought it was it's gonna be may i thought it's like a song about the months that's about him yeah i'm sorry to interrupt related toated to Ingrid. Two minutes ago, she posted that she was drunk last night, apologizes, and she's going to rehab. She's going to what? Rehab. Rehab.
Starting point is 00:22:12 Yeah. I just, it just notified. Yeah. Okay. Well. That's an interesting angle to go. I think, I don't really believe her. Leave her Whoever in her PR team Came up with that one Give me a call Because I want that person In my corner When shit hits the fan Because that is good That's real good
Starting point is 00:22:32 This is gonna be a huge Positive for her now Instead of being like You're the worst singer In the world It's like she's suffering And she now has admitted Her addiction
Starting point is 00:22:39 And now she's gonna go Try to fix it And you can't make fun Of an addiction No You can make fun Of an addiction no but she was wasted i don't know that she was she didn't seem but but that might explain the relaxation that might explain yeah crazy she loses it i think two notes and she uh goes her own way and then everyone's going like why is she doing all these like land of the
Starting point is 00:23:06 free like those little things it's because she already practiced it that way that's why she didn't abandon those like yeah she she just had to do them um that that's excellent out this is yeah the hook girl needs to move to the side. And this is our new queen. This is it. I mean, Hawktua is doing all right, by the way. She's having, you're going to like this, actually. Did you see what Hawktua posted this week? No. So Hawktua is now getting a lot of pushback because, you know, she's getting 15 minutes of fame.
Starting point is 00:23:38 And now people are like, she's not anything. Why is this girl who spit on a dick, like, going to be famous now? People are so jealous. thing why is this girl who spit on a dick like gonna be famous and um she is now owning the idea that she only has 15 minutes of fame and she made a video where she said people are telling me i only have 15 minutes of fame and so i'm gonna take that 15 minutes and do something good and then she goes to a pet smart and she60,000 worth of pet food and pet supplies and then she goes to her local animal shelter in Nashville and she donates it all to
Starting point is 00:24:09 the animal shelter and uses this as a platform to get dogs and cats adopted. Okay. Couple things. What? Number one that I don't like. PetSmart. I got a problem with Petsmart.
Starting point is 00:24:26 Petsmart is not a good, they don't care about animals. They're there to make a profit. They really don't. They throw goldfish out in the trash still alive. They do that with lizards. They do it with hamsters. It's well documented. They don't give a fuck about animals.
Starting point is 00:24:40 You should not shop at PetSmart if you can avoid it. I know that there's so many things in the world that are, it's like I've had to do it sometimes too. There's just no other place to go to get the dog food and you need it. But I think PetSmart was in on this. It's great. Again, another great PR move.
Starting point is 00:24:53 I want whoever is on her team, on my team. I have a great team, but I mean, like, I think, like, yes, these are people that I would employ. You'd fire your regular team if you could have one minute. It's a good thing to do. Go, okay, let's spin this 15 minutes. Now, what can you do? And everyone like really is on your side because now they're not on your side because you made
Starting point is 00:25:09 a dirty joke and everyone's intrigued by you. And this is like when people go like, oh, this is where our culture's at. The Hawk Tour girl's famous. I'm like, it's the same when someone complains that there's traffic. I'm like, you're a part of it. Yeah. You are making this traffic. You watched the video. You know you liked it. Yeah. lanes that there's traffic i'm like you're a part of it yeah you are making this traffic you watched
Starting point is 00:25:25 the video you know you liked it and you like uh it's it's just you know when someone goes like it's so crowded here i'm like but you're here too so you're part of it's dumb to complain it's like when people get mad about it i understand commenting being like god it sucks that it's crowded but like to be like what are all these people doing here yeah well i think that sometimes when i'm driving down the street and i see all the cars driving in the opposite direction i'm like where the fuck are all these people i think that sometimes too yes i do wonder like where everyone is going i wish i like could have random information about people's oh my god i would love that if you could just scan a car and it's like i'm going to the beach and i am with my sister. The NSA is probably doing that.
Starting point is 00:26:06 They're like, what would it be like to know everything about every person? Like when everyone lost their virginity and they like have that now. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I now the assumption is whenever I'm looking at the cars driving by and I'm like, where the fuck that they're going. I honestly what I'm thinking is they the fuck that they're going? I honestly, what I'm thinking is they don't need to be going there. I automatically think they don't need to wherever they're going.
Starting point is 00:26:30 It's not important. It doesn't matter. Meanwhile, I'm like driving to like, get a candy or something. I'm like, what are these people do? I never think about other drivers. Like I don't get mad at drivers almost ever. Do you often get mad at drivers? I'm not mad at them. I think I'm just like, I'm not mad at the people driving do you often get mad at drivers i'm not mad at them i think i'm just like i'm not mad at the people driving i'm just like why are you even trying to go where you're trying to go i just assume everyone's doing something unimportant when they're probably all like registered nurses going to the hospital and i'm just like what are you even doing i often have
Starting point is 00:26:58 that thing called sonder where you like realize other people have deep internal lives just as deep and and and um interesting and uh complex as your own where you have a moment where you go like oh my god every single person but i don't think they all do you know i think some people kind of are just like their brains aren't doing much they're not like struggling with things and i think it's about half i think about half the people are just like, I just don't even, have you ever heard someone say like, I don't really have any thoughts.
Starting point is 00:27:30 I don't really think about, have you ever heard someone say something like that? No, I don't think so. Like if you said, what do you think about this person with the national anthem? David conversation on the show. Like, I feel like that's the kind of thing
Starting point is 00:27:40 someone would say on that show. And you go, what do you mean that you don't have thoughts? No, I've never heard that. I think there are some people who go through their day and they're not really thinking about much well i do agree with that but i don't i know that i've ever heard someone say i don't think about much well like if you ask someone what do you think about this national anthem and then they'll go i don't know i don't really didn't really think about it just people that don't seem to have much of an opinion and don't seem to like oh i just don't really meddle in those kinds of things.
Starting point is 00:28:06 Or like, I go, what are you talking about? But you need those people for a functioning society. Yeah. Well, I really, you know, I was on this track of like not talking shit about anyone or not gossiping or just not just saying things about people that I wouldn't say to their face for a while or at least trying to.
Starting point is 00:28:24 And I really got away from it because it's just it's almost impossible not to bond with people by talking shit about other people and i find it's just talking not talking shit and being like don't you hate them but like you know another version of hate which is like making fun of them or whatever or being you know i i don't think i do it as much because i definitely think that period where i was trying not to taught me that some of it's just not that fun but i still i think i let it back in my life a little bit it's kind of fun to make fun of you've been trying to avoid it for the last you've been saying like i'm trying to avoid it and it is like it is somewhat poisonous to yourself but man it's like so what like but people can make fun of me and if i'm allowing
Starting point is 00:29:06 that then i should be able to make fun of them i really you can make fun of me you can talk shit about me any comedians that want to like pull up my stuff and go like look how cringe this is just have at it because i want to do it to you too is that okay is that a fair exchange if i offer up myself to be mocked behind my back mercilessly i think it's a fair exchange yeah and i think you know what you can't control it anyways. You might as well. It's like people believe that if they don't talk shit, they're like spreading joy and happiness in the world
Starting point is 00:29:31 and that's going to make a difference and it really doesn't. Other than the fact that- I think it does. It's not going to, like you're not starting a movement by not talking shit about other people. I think it can't, it's a little,
Starting point is 00:29:42 no, because I was actually inspired by my friend who I was trying to talk shit about someone around and he was like I just really am not like into talking about people that like talking you know making fun of people behind their backs and I it would like shocked me and that was the first time I was like maybe I should do that so I do think it does affect change but I know what you're saying like in the scheme of things just you can't control it so but i i just don't know like if it's it's just not good for your bottom line no no out like negative energy i should just much more be always thinking positive like this documentary i watched over the weekend about um the boy in harry potter who was harry potter stunt double that I didn't get to the story the other day, I don't think. He was paralyzed from the waist down. And, or maybe I did say this. Forgive me if I'm repeating myself.
Starting point is 00:30:34 But, because I've been telling people the story because I was so inspired by it. He was on the set of Harry Potter. They were planning for the seventh final Harry Potter movie. And he'd been Harry's stunt double the whole time for six movies. Seventh in pre-production. He does a stunt. Things go wrong.
Starting point is 00:30:51 He gets paralyzed. Wow. And he's really good friends with Daniel Radcliffe. And this is a documentary called The Boy Who Lived on HBO. Wow. What a great title. It's really good. But once he gets paralyzed, and he was such an active person.
Starting point is 00:31:04 I mean, he was a stunt man he was like a stunt kid like his whole life was doing stunt work and like moving around and then suddenly he's paralyzed he said he was
Starting point is 00:31:11 allergic to negativity he was like I don't let any in he was like literally if something there's a negative vibe or someone has negative he was like
Starting point is 00:31:19 I have to get away from it because it's just like because he knows the poison of it especially for someone in his position where like he can't distract himself if a negative thought comes in like he has to avoid it like an alcoholic would avoid drinking alcohol yeah but that's kind of unhealthy too to be like i can't even be around negativity and it's also kind of like well sometimes negative
Starting point is 00:31:40 things happen and you have to like accept that and acknowledge that yeah i i agree with you but i'm just saying like stuff that doesn't need when you don't need it when you're when someone just has bad energy getting them out like yes you'd have to it's good it's a bad look it's a bad look also if you're like doing it all the time and people are like i don't know what's the deal with this person like why are they like this but like every once in a while you got to you do drugs you know and it's like talking shit do your drugs spending a night talking shit about everybody it's like what's the difference between that and doing coke instead of one or four or five you know like yeah
Starting point is 00:32:15 sometimes you just gotta lean into being a little bit bad i love being bad yeah what did i say the other day i was like i had to do this thing because and someone goes why do you do that and i go because i don't shoplift anymore and this is where i get that yeah oh i know what it was it was like um i was talking about rachel feinstein and i were talking about being add and how we won't screw the lids on things fully even though we are mid screw and we could we just don't because we almost want to like fuck with ourselves like we almost want to like we don't deserve a full screwed on lid or like there's some kind of challenge and like okay yeah if i hit that it's gonna go everywhere but i'm not
Starting point is 00:32:55 gonna hit it i'm gonna actually give myself a chat like i don't i've noticed this actually on like a diet coke bottle you won't screw it on and i look at it and i'm like oh my god what's gonna happen all the time i do it i won't zip things i won't close drawers i won't close cabinets i won't yes um and it's really and i could i really could and there are times where i just go no is it the adrenaline rush i think it's the punishment what this i don't want to give away what i said is the like the shoplifting thing because there's this other really gross thing that i do where i like test the limits of like almost dying like just doing something really weird and it really is because i'm just like i need to feel the adrenaline of the the risk but i think the lid thing is maybe not the same that i feel like is a low
Starting point is 00:33:39 self-esteem thing where it's like i don't deserve to have nice things so like i have this really nice cream that i should like wipe it off and make it look nice but like it's i'm embarrassed i even have this and i shouldn't have this so i gotta make it look like shit because i'm a fraud and like i don't like my i i think that i have this the i've talked about on the podcast years ago but like i feel like everything I owned is stained somehow. Like nothing I get ever doesn't get, like have some kind of defect in it, which is,
Starting point is 00:34:13 it's dumb because I will find it. Everything has some kind of is different. Even if things are perfectly made to be different, there's going to be defects. And I'll always find that. And I'll always think it's a reason why I'm less than have you ever done that does that no because i'm i'm the opposite of that i'm a perfectionist and everything needs to be like perfect around me and any any sort of um error or uh miscalculation or something like that needs to be corrected instantaneously
Starting point is 00:34:41 or else i feel probably how you feel when it's perfect okay yeah it's but i am a perfectionist when it comes to like my performance or like when i really when i'm trying it needs to be perfect and i think that's why i don't try because if i even tried i know that cleaning this bathroom to make it perfect yeah be so much work so don't give anything yeah because now you're not failing yourself you're just not like you're not a failure you just don't care right well that's why you're maybe that's why you're a three and you supposedly i still think there's a seven in there but you're a three because you're you care when other people are watching you like if someone was watch if you were if someone was filming you do your bathroom routine i bet you you'd screw all the lids on perfectly
Starting point is 00:35:30 no it depends on what i was trying to capture if i was trying to be like do a product review yeah i would try to make the product look nice but if it was trying at this point in my life i'm like i kind of am comfortable with who i am on camera but i if a guy that i liked yes that i was trying to like seduce someone or like have if jennifer aniston was watching a video of me like someone who i wanted them to think i was a clean neat person yeah um the general public i think they kind of know who i am now or at least i'm not interested in like convincing them i'm otherwise but yeah i think you're right when i know i'm being watched i probably if i'm on a date i'm chewing with my mouth closed yep and i i just the fact that i don't know if i chew with my mouth closed is not a good sign that i do so i don't think i do normally like i think
Starting point is 00:36:19 i'm a pretty gross eater but i'm also like i i hope i don't offend anyone with my eating but um if someone is like wow nicky's it does it doesn't affect like i'm not a bad person because i'm a gross eater i don't think no i mean unless i was doing it being like i don't care if you're offended like that would be weird like if you're in a work meeting and you have a bunch of subordinates surrounding you and you're just like spitting lettuce out into the table and stuff like that i think that would be a bad person move to do because no one can do anything about it it's just like god these meetings are excruciating nikki's just spitting lettuce at us for an hour no i really try to be my i think most of the time i'm pretty like trying not to ever cause a stir or
Starting point is 00:37:01 like be an inconvenience to other people in public. I think that's just, even when I'm with people and they quietly pay something on their phone, they're showing me something of someone I'm with, I'm horrified if it's ever above a volume that a person nearby could hear. Yeah. I mean, I wonder how to make sense of that, because that's like politeness and you actually caring about other people's thoughts about you, then also you you don't care if you no i care about them screwed because i would fucking hate to listen to the volume like i'm not caring about them being like i when i'm when i'm keeping my volume low i'm not like wow they're
Starting point is 00:37:39 gonna think i'm i'm a good person they're gonna like going to approve of me so that they won't be in hell listening to someone's speakerphone out of context. Now, let me say this. This proves my point. Now, if I'm in an Uber and I'm on a phone call or something, or let's say I'm having a conversation in the backseat and I'm like, we're talking too loud
Starting point is 00:38:03 and we're kind of being annoying, like the volume and I'm guessing the driver doesn't like it. If the conversation is juicy. Yeah. I keep it going because I know that now I've made something that would otherwise be annoying. Pretty like, at least I'm giving them a show.
Starting point is 00:38:17 Yeah. Podcast. Yeah. And if, if I was listening to something on my phone that I was thought might annoy people, if it was something that was very clearly funny, I can't even think of an example of what that would be.
Starting point is 00:38:28 Maybe that girl singing the national anthem in which there would be context for them. I would play it. Yeah. But yeah, it's, I just, oh yeah,
Starting point is 00:38:37 that poor girl. Well have fun in rehab. I want to do something so embarrassing and then just go, I have to go to rehab. How many times do you think you could do it how many times could you how many mistakes in life can you make where you can say ah gonna go to rehab i think you can keep going i mean if you're a true addict you i mean addicts just be addicting you know they they will repeatedly um but at a certain point the public
Starting point is 00:39:00 will tire of you going or making a mistake And going to rehab The public doesn't give A fuck about You can't ever count On the public No you get one shot With the public Maybe One shot
Starting point is 00:39:10 You get one redemption And it's hilarious That we found We didn't know Who this girl was And we're already Redeeming her But it is an interesting
Starting point is 00:39:18 She let us down Because you cannot Make fun of someone Who is claiming To be an addict It's a perfect out. It makes all us look like assholes. Yeah. And hey, as Joe Biden
Starting point is 00:39:30 says, everyone has a bad night. Yeah. Everyone has a bad night. Was that his one bad night of his life? That was the one, yeah. I will say, not to speak of the debate, but I think that I don't really let myself have
Starting point is 00:39:45 bad nights but they do happen the other night I got off stage early whoa because I did two shows and the thing about two show nights is that you would think that you could differentiate the two shows but because I do just such a mishmash of material and no show is ever the same I like forget which if I've told the joke already in that show oh yeah or the show before when it gets around the 30 minute mark i just start going like whoa ever the show is just one big show now and now am i gonna be repeating material so now i have to just do stuff i haven't even done tonight but then that's a challenge because now it's just like so anyway i'm in i'm well into the second show. This is in Columbus.
Starting point is 00:40:25 If you're at the Columbus second show, I gave you a shorter show than you deserve, but I didn't know that I was. And I had so much more material to do, but I was given a very definitive, if we keep the lights on past this minute, you have to spend $2,500. There was a talking to beforehand.
Starting point is 00:40:43 No, it was a theater, but they had really strict union rules. And so it was going to be $2,500 if I went past this one minute. And I thought the minute was approaching within three minutes. So I just, instead of going into another bit, I just was like, I'll just get off now.
Starting point is 00:40:56 And that was like the right thing to do. But it wasn't because I was supposed to be lit at that time. So I really had 13 minutes to play with and or maybe more 23. like i got off at 42 minutes which is un no 45 unheard of for me unheard of but i will say no one complained no it's a great amount of time it was a late show it was a 9 30 show probably started at 10 people were dying to get out of there so it didn't bother anyone i did all the my stuff that i wanted to do i wasn't like you know harboring something
Starting point is 00:41:25 That I was like Oh I guess They're not gonna get this joke But if you were at that show And you want to go To a show of mine for free At some point Just tell me
Starting point is 00:41:34 What show you wanna go to And then like Show your ticket Like screenshot your ticket And DM it to me And I'll like give you I mean Like a free
Starting point is 00:41:42 Not meet and greet But a free ticket To any show you want to Because I feel bad I mean 45 minutes I think is actually Pretty typical For a lot of headliners
Starting point is 00:41:50 I know it is It is There's nothing wrong About doing it No one was upset And no one even Wrote anything afterwards But to me I was like
Starting point is 00:41:57 Oh no And I like really Couldn't shake it And then I was just like Nope You're not gonna let This ruin your night Like you just did
Starting point is 00:42:05 two shows you had a crazy week of work you should just be able to eat your pizza and celebrate and not like be like oh my god i can't believe i did 45 which i did do i i let i told emil and matt and i was like just let me because they were like it's fine i go i know it's fine i just need to beat myself up for three more minutes that's it and then I won't say Then I will literally forgive myself And then I did And then after that three minutes I was just like I'm done And I'm like you didn't mean to
Starting point is 00:42:31 You are going to make it right on your podcast And tell those people that you will refund Or not refund them But give them another free ticket And also who gives a fuck in the scheme of things It's okay Forgive yourself So I was just like I let myself off the hook
Starting point is 00:42:45 and I ate my pizza and I had a good night. We'll be right back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears
Starting point is 00:42:55 on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious,
Starting point is 00:43:11 satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Brian, what's been happening in your world? My world? Catch us up. Yeah, I mean, I'm one month away from having no gallbladder. And so far, so good, if anyone was wondering.
Starting point is 00:43:42 Oh, I was like, I thought you were like, in one month, it'll totally disintegrate. And I'm like, they put some kind of acid into it that it's like going away. So what they do is you drink an acid and it goes right into your gallbladder. And over the course of a month, it starts to disintegrate 10% of the time. What's life like without a gallbladder? Like, is there a difference? Not really. Because you're not getting crazy pain anymore.
Starting point is 00:44:03 Well, yeah, I'm not having horrible attacks And my fear of eating I've been eating some fatty foods I've been eating you know chicken parm And stuff like that And I'm like totally fine So I feel great If anybody is thinking about
Starting point is 00:44:15 Getting their gallbladder removed Even if it's just to lose weight I think I highly recommend it It's amazing To lose weight? Really? Yeah you can lose What is it three ounces by taking that thing out.
Starting point is 00:44:26 Oh, I think it's like the weight of the gallbladder. Yeah. Especially if it's filled. Don't even joke about that, dude. People will be like, what? I can lose weight by taking on an organ? I also have been losing weight ever since I did it on purpose. I've been dieting and stuff like that.
Starting point is 00:44:40 Because you can't work out. I want to be the healthiest I've ever been. Great. My goal for the rest of the year is I want to be the healthiest I've ever been. My goal for the rest of the year is I want to be the healthiest I've ever been. I was telling you about this in the car. I've discovered this like rich person thing called health spas that I had no idea existed. And I went to a health spa. Basically, if you ever go to the doctor and you're like, I want to know if I have like the proper vitamin B levels. I want
Starting point is 00:45:05 to test my blood for, to see if I have this like genetic predisposition to whatever disease, Alzheimer's or something like that. Your doctor won't do it for you. Yeah. They'll say there's no reason to do it. You're not in the, even if you want to like a colonoscopy, they'll be like, we can't do it. It's not appropriate But if you're rich you can do whatever you want and so there are these places called health spas where you just go in there and you say I want to get my blood tested for all micronutrients I want to get a full genetic profile and they're like give me money and i'll do it for you And so I went to this health spa and I got a full micronutrient blood profile. How much is that?
Starting point is 00:45:42 That was uh 699 dollars and then do you have a membership fee as well to join to the spa no but you can become a member if you want to or you can do a la carte so you did a la carte 699 699 and you know i'm kind of like a hypochondriac in here are you like a fucking like housewife and a yeah i say this all the time like i don't spend money on clothes or watches or technology or anything like that i will spend all my money on health stuff so this to me is like the equivalent of going into like a chanel store if you're like a housewife yeah it's that's crazy to me um i didn't even because you were telling me
Starting point is 00:46:24 about it. I'm like, yeah, maybe I'll check it out. Like, I don't do any of that stuff. I don't, I'm not really interested in finding, like, I guess if something was wrong, I guess you feel sick. So you want to find answers. Sure.
Starting point is 00:46:38 I don't feel sick. That's true. But also it's the difference between screwing that cap closed and leaving it open. I just want every number to be correct. Right. And that's true but also it's the difference between screwing that cap closed and leaving it open i just want every number to be correct right and that's impossible and it won't actually happen yeah but right i'll never leave that cap unscrewed i will i will run through a war field to screw that cap and i'll address the lotion spilling out when it spills i'm not gonna like prematurely cap it in that's
Starting point is 00:47:07 right but that being said you should get your standard screenings i know i should if you want to if you want to have that analogy be truly like you should get don't wait for the the cream to squirt out of the cap or whatever you do for some things oh god i know i was just reading a book actually about um it wasn't about it but it's fiction it's miranda july it's called on all fours and it's about this woman going through perimenopause which is the next thing in my life that will happen probably 45 i think like so in the next five years but it can happen even earlier and it's just so fucked man and i heard naomi watts talking about it menopause on something and she said that it's so interesting that we give so much compassion to like young girls who and young boys who are going through puberty but like women who go through this gigantic hormonal shift it's just like no one
Starting point is 00:47:59 talks about it it's just only shameful not that we really talk about puberty puberty is also very shameful but there's there's at least like people know that kids that teenage girls are crazy and emotional and like then women in their 50s it's just like oh but you know this is cute when we're about to want to fuck you but right now no one wants to this is just annoying that's the life of a woman that change you have puberty and then you have periods which everybody makes fun of too like every stand-up comedian in the world has made a joke about periods and then you go through menopause which also a lot of comedians make fun of but i wonder if that post-menopausal life is uh is good how's that that's what i've heard yeah there were there were some positives that came out of the book talking about it but
Starting point is 00:48:44 where it's kind of the thing i talk about in my special where you just give up and you just stop caring what everyone thinks and you can kind of just do what you want because you don't suffer fools anymore yeah I think a lack of suffering fools is one of the the best parts of going through menopause but yeah it seems pretty rough and i can't i i mean i'm art that could explain even my mood swings now like i could be in it now who the fuck even knows that's the most fucked up thing about like birth control and stuff that men i really don't think truly grasp that you have to take a pill or whatever you do every day and it like really fucks with you in ways that you don't understand like a man doesn't understand i thank
Starting point is 00:49:26 god i'm not on it but i probably should be like my hormones are totally out of line and all my friends are on some kind of cream yeah i've had to like rub creams on my thighs like just hormone cream like it's coming for you girls if you're not there yet it's a coming yeah you're gonna have to like balance your hormones so you even want to do anything the way you ever wanted to do it. If you want to even remember or have like a little inkling of what your former self used to be like. Oh my God. Yeah. No, I don't want to do that.
Starting point is 00:49:54 But you got to do it. And that's the thing about going to this health spa. Like, oh God, that stresses me out. Like you're going in there like, yes. Oh my God. Yes. oh God, that stresses me out. Like you're going in there like, yes. Oh my God, yes. When I saw that list of things you could buy, I was like, I'm so happy I found out this existed. I had no idea.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Are you nervous to get bad results? Well, I got my results back for the micronutrients. And now I made a mistake. I took, I got the blood test two weeks after I got my gallbladder out, which is like the dumbest thing you could possibly do. Because your body's like still figuring out what to do with everything. I've been popping pills, taking Pepsid.
Starting point is 00:50:29 Oh, right. That's right. I've been eating saltine crackers, exclusively saltine crackers for two months. Okay. And I get my blood test for nutrition. What was I thinking? $699. But I get the results back and they were mostly good so even with there was a there was a few
Starting point is 00:50:48 things that were low my my selenium is low a couple of amino acids were low but like yeah i know you gotta get those aminos but for but for someone who was like in the worst possible state you could possibly be in you just got laparoscopic surgery and organ removed, and you've been eating exclusively saltine crackers for two months for my nutrients to be good? Why saltines? Because they're low-fat. I had to eat a low-fat diet in order to avoid attacks. Got it. I was eating saltines.
Starting point is 00:51:17 There's other things that are low-fat, by the way. I couldn't think of anything. I kept trying to think. I kept brainstorming it all. You just walk through the aisles, and you look at any packaging that's green. I didn't think of that. That was like the 90s color of no fat, low fat. Okay.
Starting point is 00:51:30 No, I could eat fruits and stuff like that, like a banana. All right. But you're relatively healthy. So what's the next test you're going to get to prove to yourself that there's something wrong with you? So, yeah. So two months from now, Which will be two months away From getting the gallbladder out I will do the micronutrient test again
Starting point is 00:51:49 Because I think my results Will be even better Final thought Wait You're going to go back And have the same exact test What do you want What do you want to get out of this
Starting point is 00:51:58 Do you just get this test Every six months To keep proving to yourself Or are you going to add more tests Is it going to get boring If you stabilize How are you going to achieve This new healthy Brian going to get boring if you stabilize how are you going to achieve this um new healthy brian like what's really going to change in your life um well it's diet you know i've been at i i have been eating very well ever since i got the
Starting point is 00:52:14 surgery and um my smoothie you know like if i was low on vitamin b for example like if it came back very well what are you not eating now that was such a problem before? I don't know. Sucking on a big Kit Kat bar? Yeah, so I'll go back to doing that. Lenny and Larry's cookie? Can you get one of those still? I haven't eaten one since the surgery. No refined sugars?
Starting point is 00:52:36 No, I'm not going to do any of that. If you're really trying to get the healthiest ever, you got to get rid of sugar, you got to get rid of wheat, you got to get rid of... Yeah, I'm not doing any of that. Okay, so you're not... If the results came back and said you're low with vitamin b which is a common low vitamin thing and people feel tired and stuff then i would get i would start taking a multivitamin or a
Starting point is 00:52:54 vitamin b injection from the health spa i'm surprised they don't lie until you have all these problems that they can inject you with things for money just taking a selenium supplement right now i believe i can raise my selenium on my own. I mean, I know it sounds hard, but I just got to eat my selenium. I don't know where to get it. I got to get one of these health spas. I don't even know what to get checked, though. Well, you know what your regular screenings need to be, right?
Starting point is 00:53:18 Tits, ass, pussy. That's right. Dentist. Dentist Dentist Yeah dentist I'm all about the dentist And there's one more That you're forgetting That people
Starting point is 00:53:32 Completely ignore It's insane Eyes But Well yeah You I guess once you Ears
Starting point is 00:53:40 You don't No one really checks the ears Until you start losing hearing No but Lips Blood No What Your skin Ears, you don't, no one really checks the ears until you start losing hearing. No, but. Blood. No. What?
Starting point is 00:53:48 Your skin. You need to go to a dermatologist once a year to get a check. You need to get everything checked. Yeah, I'm having that removed. That's the organ I want to get rid of. Yeah, that's a good point. I'm really resentful of dermatologists at this point, though, because I went in to have a thing checked and she was just like, no, that's nothing. And then charges me hundreds of dollars.
Starting point is 00:54:07 No, that's nothing. Yeah. That's like your little test you just got. Yeah. You wanted to see something. You wanted to hear some action. I mean, no, I'm happy that it was. I mean, I did get some action.
Starting point is 00:54:16 That's the thing. Dermatologist is supposed to look over your whole naked body to look for any kind of suspicious activity. Exactly. And then what if I feel like there's I look at my my whole body there's no moles that are changing or moving or there might be places that you don't see like looking on your butt or something like that like there might be like oh look there's one right in the middle of your back that you never saw so they're getting in your butt crack to look they're gonna look in my butt crack they'll look in your scalp they'll look okay fine i could do that though. I mean, it's good.
Starting point is 00:54:46 I mean, if you don't have literally a single mole on your body, then I guess you don't have to go. But it's good to get in the habit of going and just getting looked over once a year. Yeah, I don't know why I'm fighting it. I don't know why I'm fighting it. I'm getting my new car today, I think, and I figured out a way to get it where it's like I'm leasing it and Chris has
Starting point is 00:55:06 Worked it out so like I don't have to go to The dealership Yeah you can get a dealer And they just are letting me sign a thing It's heaven this is what I've wanted for so long I hate sitting at the dealership And having to like sit there and talk While they fax people it's gonna be awesome
Starting point is 00:55:22 Yeah that's like Carvana Doesn't carvana do that i feel like i've died and gone there no i think yeah they do but i think they um but then you get a car and it could be stinky uh-huh because i got into i saw a car that i loved in the showroom at this place and i was like look at this big puppy it was like the number one car like i'm looking in the windows i'm like i love it oh my god it's used too and it's like lightly used perfect get in it smells so much like cigarette smoke oh yeah i can't get it out but this car is a lease and it's new it's brand new yeah so you're not gonna worry about
Starting point is 00:55:54 anything you just get it delivered anything i will say that it's a white interior and that is dicey for me with all my spray tans and you leave every makeup cap unscrewed half the way and the unscrewed caps you're not joking but i you know what i the white makes me feel cooler it makes me feel like i'm it's the person i want to be and i felt the coolest in it and i like the black exterior and the other one was a white exterior with a um black interior and i was like i really just i don't want to like err on the side of like but you're too dirty To have a nice thing So in the end This all comes around And I actually
Starting point is 00:56:26 Am getting the thing That I I'm not going to mess up The thing that I think I'm not It's too nice for me to have I'm actually going to Keep it nice
Starting point is 00:56:32 And I got the nicest version To like And I have to get Detailed quite often So I'm going to learn To treat it nice Even though I'm leasing it And it's not really mine
Starting point is 00:56:40 So I don't care Right exactly That's the way to think about it Is you're taking care Of someone else's car Oh Okay that's good That's good I'm is you're taking care of someone else's car oh okay that's good I'm so
Starting point is 00:56:47 much better if it's someone else's I would be that will be someone else's car in three years that's so beautiful yeah okay that's a really nice way to think about it I'm gonna go drive someone
Starting point is 00:56:59 else's car right now I think thank you for listening to the podcast I'll see you in Vegas this week people who are coming to see me and David Spade at the Venetian in Vegas this week. People who are coming to see me and David Spade at the Venetian in Vegas
Starting point is 00:57:07 next weekend. And then we have shows. I think I'm off the next weekend and then shows. So many shows. So many tour dates. NikkiGlazer.com. You know where to find them. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. We love you so much. Don't be cut and bye.
Starting point is 00:57:25 Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show E ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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