The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #472 Guests: Sean O’Connor & Lizzy Cooperman, A Shy Hole & Wet Handshakes

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

Nikki and Brian are hanging out with comedians Lizzy Cooperman and Sean O’Connor. Nikki knew she loved Lizzy from the moment they met because Lizzy had a messy purse. They all agree that showing your mess is being real. Nikki had an epic night after hearing about Taylor Swift endorsing Kamala Harris. They gave a shoutout to a bestie, sent out positive vibes, and also said it’s cool if she's not feeling it. Sean thinks he needs to get off of antidepressants because he is indifferent about stuff people have feelings over. Lizzy isn’t a fan of being touched, while Nikki knows some guys expect a hello kiss, and she’s not completely grossed out by it. In the Final Thought, one of Sean's most embarrassing moments comes out and it makes for a great joke. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash

it against the walls. And then, I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapaport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapaport Stereo Podcast,

where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki

Hello, here I am, welcome to the show, it's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Third episode of the week, aren't you guys lucky? Aren't we lucky? We get to do three We get to do, we don't have to do anything That's what you change it to? When you say have to, you say get to? Yes To make your life seem like you're being rewarded

Sure And I actually am Well, for recording a podcast, I mean, that's easily a get-to. That is a get-to. Sometimes it's a have-to. Imagine you have to go to the plant and work the lawn.

Absolutely. We are so blessed. I get to work a double at Ford. No, I mean, okay, let me just set the table. Brian Frangie is here. Sean O'Connor is here. He was on yesterday, you remember. And joining us now

Is Lizzie Cooperman She's been on the show before Maybe I'm not on this podcast I don't know But you've been on You Up a million times Yes From the old days

Of the series Yes Show And one of my best friends We've known each other Since 2006 First day I moved to LA Maybe not the first day

But the first time I ever Like went to an open mic at the comedy store um I ran into Lizzie Cooper she was just another girl on the patio we had just signed up and put our names in for potluck just another girl on the patio I love that that's a Stieg Larsson novel um and so you were we were both smokers at the time and you were smoking and I was I didn't have a lighter because of course I didn't. And I, I've told the story a million times, but it's just a perfect explanation of how we met.

And then I was like, hey, I looked at you and I was like, hey, do you have a lighter? And you were like, yeah, one second. And you were looking through your bag. And then I kind of wanted to help you in a way, I guess. And I was like, I think it might be in that pocket or something. And she just like grasped her purse to her and was like, honestly, I would rather you look in my vagina. And for 2006, that was a crazy thing to say to a stranger. I mean, I think now we kind of talk that way.

But for me, it was like, oh, my God, this woman just like spoke to me like i like she's my best friend already and i was just you just have those click moments where you're like i need you in my life and then you were friends with pete lee right who was my who i hated at the time because he broke my heart and i i told you remember you were like so you know pete and i was like yeah he's out of my phone. And out of my life. Out of my phone, out of my life. And then we kept saying, out of my phone, out of my life. And we've been friends ever since. And it's great to have you here. Oh, my God.

And my bag is the same. It's still messy. Lots of quarters with gum stuck to them. I love it. This actually seems like the fourth scene in a lesbian rom-com. It's true. Even yesterday, I got in your car, and you're like, I'm so sorry. It's a mess. I'm like, I'm so glad your car is.

It wasn't even a mess. I would never even have noticed, because that's how I am. And I love when I get in people's cars who I respect or see their purses, and I see that it's as disorganized as mine is because it makes me feel like you're someone I wanna be. So I was like happy. I am always happy when your car is messy. Because so is mine.

And if my car is not messy, I'm living a lie. Like at some things aren't going well for me. I'm not being myself. Right. You're trying to show Somebody else That you are clean Yeah Yeah

That's so true In the first season of The Bear When it was a comedy still There was this great line In like the second episode When Richie has The new girl in the car with him And he goes

These Arby cups Are from different visits That's really funny That's one of the best lines From the show Yeah That's really cute he goes, these Arby cups are from different visits. That's really funny. That's one of the best lines from the show. Yeah, that's really cute. Yeah, I was even looking around our hotel room today and I'm just like, this is a nightmare. And I was just looking around at every little thing and I go, let me just find where Chris's things are in that.

And to find one of Chris's things would have been Where's Waldo? It's one thing out of hundreds of little things scattered throughout the round. One is Chris's. The rest are tucked away in a Ziploc bag inside a container inside a suitcase. Do you remember when I was like, I want to invent something called garbage? A garbage can that you would put, you would hook it onto the back of the passenger seat. That exists. So I've learned over time.

Is it called garbage? It's not garbage. The branding alone means that you could take this to market. I totally still want to. I feel passionately about that. Here's the thing. Would you use it? Because you could just use a paper bag

that you've gotten some stuff. Do you want to encourage you and your passengers to add extra garbage to your car? Like having a garbage can bag will just let it pile up and then you'll have more stinky garbage. But I think you could get a licensing

agreement with Lyft and Uber and they put it in every single car. Now you're thinking. Remo, think I'd use it. But I think you could get a licensing agreement with like Lyft and Uber. Okay. Every single car. Waymo. Like get it in a Waymo. Waymos, there should be little garbage cans that just go around and travel on wheels. Like Waymo. Yeah.

Those Waymos, if you don't know, they're like little robots that deliver food and they're all over LA. The first time you see one, you're like, I'm living in the future. This is insane that this exists. And now they're just ubiquitous. They're everywhere. They're kind of dirty. They're kind of dirty now.

And they all have a name. One time I saw one that was like Colleen. And I go, no, it's not. You are not a fucking Evan. I've met a million Evans. It is weird. You know that new movie that's coming out? The Kind Robot or whatever it's called?

The Wild Robot. The Wild Robot. That is propaganda for AI. It's introducing the concept that robots have feelings to children and I think it should be banned in the United States. I just read about something that is propaganda.

Oh my God, the new Fox cartoon that we were talking about. People are saying that it is actual propaganda about universal healthcare and how it's not going to work because it's called like universal basic income. Oh, you know about this show? It's about automation and automation replacing the common man. And then they get $3,000 a month to do whatever they want. It's propaganda, though.

Because it's not good, apparently. And it was conceived of by evil people to infect the minds. You think that Fox greenlit this show because it was going to give... Not Fox, but people behind Fox. Like the people who own... There's some insidiousness like i think the shadow corporations who run the world have greenlit this so that it can make the universal basic income look bad yes well it was created by einrand is that as well it's as funny as einrand um yeah that i read that last night but that's so interesting that like that could be happening where well that would explain it well i also read

and just be on the lookout there was this guy on not read but watch the tiktok this guy um which could be a lie too nothing is real but he said that he paid 130 like pounds, I guess, UK, to have an, you can buy an article in a publication. So publications that are just like kind of, you know, these D list, maybe EF list publications. You can buy an article, have AI write the whole thing. So he bought this article that Pedro Pascal, he just was like making up a lie to see how far it would go. One article he bought, Pedro Pascal, it just was like making up a lie to see how far it would go. One article he bought, Pedro Pascal, it was written by AI.

Pedro Pascal was going to star in the new Minecraft movie as one of the people. And this was like three years ago or something like that. And he said that, oh, you know, Pedro Pascal has originally starred in like some movie

that was scripted by and he wrote his name and he's just some guy. And none of these, nothing was was like everything was a lie there was no uh nothing to support any of this in any way anywhere online and within days it was picked up by major publications i mean it was like variety i was i was looking at all the ones and within days and it be and it's not on i am this was years ago so it's probably been removed. But on IMDb, they put it on the Minecraft cast.

Oh, my God. Speculated. Pedro Pascal. All these articles about it. It was all live from a guy. Nothing's cross-checked anymore. There's no... Journalism is dead.

I think everything's dead. I think we're all just going to have to put a big smile on our face. Well, when Trump last night, they go, did you say that she wasn't black? And he goes, I don't know. And I go, what? There's video of it. You said it. We all saw you say it.

And now you can just say, I don't know that I said that? About a thing that we all saw you say? What's going on? The same thing as what Fox News was saying last night. And they keep propagating this idea that the good people on both sides in response to the charlottesville thing is a hoax yes because he's not saying just the nazis he's saying the other people who are marching with the nazis who don't identify i have to say that i read a sam harris article about that quote of good people on both sides yeah and obviously i hate everything

that comes out of the man's mouth like don Trump. But that was kind of taken out of context. That was taken out of context. It was taken out of context. And Sam Harris has no, like, he doesn't want to prove Donald Trump right or anything. No, he's not. He didn't mean there's, it's, you know. So it is a hoax. It was not a hoax.

So Fox News is right. But he, it's. I had a hunch that Fox News was right. It's bending, it's bending the context a little bit. So Fox News is right. But he... I had a hunch that Fox News was right. It's bending the context a little bit. Yeah. Okay, okay. I apologize. He said so many awful things.

I'm sure he would have meant it. I mean, but, you know, if we want them to be fair, which they're never going to be, we have to be fair and say, okay, well, that one was a little... I know. It's so unfair that they get to be unfair.

I'm just going to be... I'm like every Republican's a pedophile now. Who cares? You get fact-checked. You have to prove it to me. It is interesting, because for a while it was like, they go low, we go high,

and then the weird stuff started happening, and we're like, oh, we started calling them weird. It's like, if they go low, we're going to go low, too, and call them weird, and it was like working to go low with them. So maybe you're right. The debates were last night. This is going to air,

you know, days after. So what we have to say is probably going to be redundant. But I like, I, Chris was at work. It was about to start.

I had a Pilates class booked, but I was like, I'm going to cancel it because I need to watch this. But then I was having so much anxiety of watching it alone. And I was so nervous for Kamala that I just, I just rushed and was like, I'm going to cancel it because I need to watch this But then I was having so much anxiety of watching it alone And I was so nervous for Kamala

That I just rushed And was like I've got to do a class Because I can't be doing And so the whole class I was just like I did the OCD thing of like If you don't nail everything In this class Kamala won't do a good job That is so crazy

I did a similar thing I was like, whoever is speaking when I skip ahead and press play is going to be the next president. Yes, yes.

I do those all the time. And so this whole class, I was busting my fucking ass. And then there were little parts that were hard and I was like, she can waver a little bit. Like my overall performance

was going to match her. So I was like, she can have moments. Like you need peaks. Well, she did waver at the very first questions. Okay. The very was like, she can have moments. Like, you need peaks. Well, she did waver at the very first question. Okay. The very first question, she was a little nervous, clearly.

My wife was like, oh, you're like Kamala. You get dry mouth. Oh, my God. That's cute. So she had a little dry mouth? I didn't watch the beginning. You could tell she was very nervous at the beginning. She won over the dry mouth contingent of voters in America by relating to them. That was the point. That's so funny. I was split at the beginning. She won over the dry mouth contingent of voters in America by relating to them.

That was the point. That's so funny. Yeah. I was split at the beginning. She's just like me. Yeah. The stars are just like us. Their voices are usually silenced because their mouths are so dry.

Well, I was in this class and I was like, oh my God, all these girls in this class are also so anxious about this election, but they weren't. They just are uninformed. Yeah, that's the key. I was looking around like, is anyone else teeth chattering on edge? And they were all just zen. The blissful ignorance of being

a liberal California Pilates type person. They're just more worried that Jaden Smith has a response to their DM. Their teeth were chattering. They're like, it might do a perfect set of 100 he will write back cool then he's the clear winner did you think somebody won what did you think there was a clear winner after watching it um after taylor swift's endorsement i

did okay according to flash polls kamala harris was the clear. I didn't watch enough of it to say whether or not. It was kind of a decimation. Like, he did a really bad job. And like, listen, yeah, I'm a white liberal. To who, though? To us, of course. But I was asking Chris,

I go, how is he doing? He goes, he's not doing well. He goes, he's floundering and he's kind of like flustered. And I go, but to people he likes, are they going to be like, what's going on with this guy? No.

I'm going to reveal how much of a petty bitch I am. So immediately after the debate, I went on to conservative Reddit, and I was just reading their live discussion. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. See what they're saying. And everyone kind of agrees on that, that ABC was very unfair to him. He did a bad job.

But his final answer was good because no one fact-checked it. Oh, my God. Because they couldn't because it was on air. No, yeah. Well, it's not a good sign when you're complaining about the refs, you know, at the end of the game. And that's pretty much what's happening. It's pretty clear that Kamala performed above expectations, which is really what she needed

to do because people didn what she needed to do. Because people didn't expect her to do well at all. People didn't expect her to seem presidential at all. People had no idea what to expect. I thought everyone was like, well, at least I kind of go to Chris for what he's reading because he's very plugged in. And I go, what are people saying? And he's like, this is what she does. She's a prosecutor. You did not feel it was a clean sweep? I didn't feel like she hit home the fact that the Supreme Court ruled that if he's voted

in, he basically is, he can't get in trouble for any misconduct or anything like that. I feel like she could have hit home more. She needs to spell it out for people. You are heading into a dictatorship. Do you understand what that entails? I felt the same way. Just spell it out for everyone

who might not be listening. Just like she did, you said at the vice presidential debate where she said, if you believe in pro-choice, if you believe in whatever. He's coming for you.

He's coming for you. Just a fucking down the line. I don't think describing him as a dictator is going to influence anybody that hasn't already made up their mind. And then she should have said and if you vote for me, you get a free spicy chicken sandwich.

Promo code cool rap. If I hit these two free throws. That reminds me of Lizzie's joke from ages ago where you were saying that you feel, and I think about it all the time. That's the mark of such from ages ago where you were saying that you feel, and I think about it all the time. That's the mark of such

a good joke where you old people ordering. Oh, I hate having to hear old people order things like jalapeno poppers. I just want them to be like, oh, a strawberry milkshake, not like a triple berry blast. It makes me feel guilty.

I feel bad. It was the same way I felt about Dick Van Dyke being at the Creative Arts Emmys the whole ceremony and not winning. I was like, he can't just sit here. Like, he's on borrowed time. Well, aren't we all? But, like, we can't waste these people's time. It's disrespectful. It is disrespectful. He's a legend.

And to make him put on, like, a tuxedo And get in a car And go downtown Yes A place he probably Hasn't been Oh my god Since like the 60s He's definitely shocked By the state of what's

Going on down there That is so funny Oh my god Like thinking of all the Super people dressed As superheroes But we'll get off The debates

Because I know that So many people Aren't interested But you should be Wait I just wanted To say something quick There was a very nice Moment it's 9-11 today

Oh yeah Even though this comes Out after 9-11 Yes it is 9- quick. There was a very nice moment. It's 9-11 today. Oh, yeah. Even though this comes out after 9-11. Yes, it is 9-11 today. There was a nice moment where Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, and Biden all kind of had this, like, I don't know, sweet. Oh, my God. He's smiling. It looks like Mike Bloomberg, too.

He is so horny for Kamala. Like, I do think he couldn't even look at her because I think he just likes it. Was Jimmy Carter there? He might be the first president to ever reach 100. Wow. Isn't that kind of fun? He probably wasn't there. I think he's pretty sickly. I think he's last statement. I think someone is

nominated against me. Variety special pre-recorded. I think at this point someone has to reach 100 for him. I think at this point, someone has to reach 100 for him. That's so funny. I think he did say in the news that he's trying to stay alive just so he can vote in the presidential election.

In the next election. He's not feeling so good. You can't be feeling good at approaching 100. I can't imagine what the bones would be. He's also been in a hospice for like eight months. I thought that was like a one week stay.

Oh my God, Halloween costume. Jimmy Carter would be good. Oh my God. I don't know what good is the word. Confusing maybe? Halloween is when People can really get Cancelled

It's like It's really dicey Yeah Well I wanted to talk about Real quick I mean Taylor Swift's endorsement Coming through

Was It was just so I mean I started I found out from Robbie Praugh At Netflix He wrote me And he's always writing me

Like snarky little things Just And he just wrote me Nice hat's always writing me like snarky little things uh just and he just wrote me nice hat yeah yeah like that kind of thing um but he wrote me last night um as I was walking to the comedy store to do my set and I was kind of just like I don't know how to feel about this debate and I'm just like I don't even and he just goes uh fine she crushed her endorsement I'm a Swifty now and that's that's and I my God, it happened. I love that this is how I'm finding out. He goes, I want this role in your life. He's the man who greenlights specials at Netflix

and now his role is just Swift News for me, which is so funny. But shout out Robbie Pratt. Thank you for that. And it was so exciting because I'm walking right by the comedy store. I'm walking in and I read, I kind of just graze over her

endorsement i'm just like oh it's everything i want it to be like she's it just and it was so weird because the night before i had been on reddit and like all the taylor swift subreddits and i follow a bunch of them are all like if she doesn't do it soon like we might fucking walk away from this girl like and i wasn't there yet but it was like reaching that point of like what's going on yeah the u.s open with her and britney i think was like you saw like a little bit of a turn like oh my god there's like the picture like which by the way like i just think she was having a fun time with her boyfriend and then like she saw somebody she knew after having two drinks and she just gave them a hug. Yes. And then like snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. After a couple drinks,

I would hug Saddam Hussein. Yeah, oh my God. I saw you. Honestly, I have hugged Osama Bin Laden. He said great, sad, after an open mic. And I almost Frenched him. I mean, our girl was having some fun that he was open. I don't begrudge her hugging a girl.

I will hug people that i'm friends with people who are gonna vote for trump am i like crazy about it no but like it's the way it is and um i think that was that was a big moment yeah everyone was like she's friends with this girl who liked a post by trump which i think both parties were drunk when each thing happened i wish taylor's post had like, it is with bleary eyes and a nauseous stomach that I endorse. Oh, yeah.

Like, it's fully hungover. Yes, yes. That's so funny. She made an appearance later that night after the US Open where she was clearly, like, drunk in a way

that I completely, I'm all for. Do you have a response to this? I saw, there's a couple people that I follow on Instagram who are Swifties or at least Swift fans and they posted in

anger that she made that endorsement and said like, I love you Swift, but please take this post down. I don't know. I want to know what you think about that. I think that's ridiculous. We have someone I just am so grateful that there's someone that is not connected to politics really at all yeah aside from the fact that she has so much

power she has a legion of people who can vote that maybe wouldn't vote at all that made the state like she might have saved our democracy like this pop star might have saved our democracy the one pop star i've devoted my life to i feel very vindicated today to be honest with you that i wake up to texts from my dad being like i have hope again to like everyone online that I've never seen post about Taylor being like thank you Taylor like all these really cynical liberal people that like have always rolled their eyes about Taylor Swift are like thank you Taylor because that's how meaningful it is and it's like and and thank god she did and thank god she's not know, because the night before I was reading stuff that was like, she's a billionaire, you guys.

Of course she's going to vote for Trump. Like, they all want to protect their money. And that's the most important to them. And I was just like, not her. And it just felt so good. And then I got to announce it on stage. Maybe she still will vote for Trump. We don't know.

We don't know. But, like, obviously she's told us she's not going to. But I loved how she signed it off, you know, childless cat lady, which is so funny. It was funny. It was a great endorsement. And I, like, not a Swifty. I was, like, soaring after reading it.

Soaring? Like, I shared it. I cried. I want to know these Swifties. I know. I saw you share it. I was like, okay. Yeah.

I'm like, this is huge. This is kind of like, you know, as close as we have to God coming down. I'm not kidding you. To create something. It really felt like it. And it was great because I walked into the green room backstage and, you know, the guy Aaron, he's a comic from. No, he's from Austin and he has cerebral palsy.

So he's nonverbal, but he has a little boom box on his pants and then he types something and then it talks through the boom box. He's a comedian. He's been on Kill Tony. Anyway, he's like in town this week he's really funny and really nice but i walked in he was like how are you and i was like uh i was like taylor swift just endorsed kamala he was like i don't follow things and i was like you should um he's made fun of you before and uh he's got a great sense of humor though But anyway I was just like

In the best mood backstage and then Things got annoying fast backstage And I'm not gonna get into it but I will Off air but then I go on stage And it was so fun because I got to tell a room Of people that didn't know Like I was like I'm in the best mood Taylor just endorsed Kamala and they like

Fucking exploded I got to like Announce it people are excited because it does feel like It feels like it's going to move the needle It felt like she won the debate And the timing of it was perfect And then Kamala gave a speech after the debate And she walked off to The Man by Taylor Swift So I'm guessing

I can't imagine this wasn't planned This was a coordinated attack I'm not endorsing this about america but there's only two people with more power than the president it's taylor swift and beyonce and like no maybe joe rogan if joe rogan came out and endorsed kamala that would be game over yeah that would be game over you're 100 right wow okay we gotta go to break break um and we'll be back with more after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending,

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Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him.

Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community

and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Duda Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I have a thing. Yeah, tell me. So before I forget, there is a bestie who reached out to me who wanted a shout

out. And this bestie has a fiancé who's your biggest fan who was diagnosed with And This bestie Has a fiance Who's your biggest fan Who was diagnosed With thyroid cancer Last month And she's going in

For surgery In October And I love that you Checked your watch Yeah Is October this month Or next month

Okay She's going into Surgery in October Wait so he wrote you His fiance Is a woman Has thyroid cancer Going in for surgery In October We Wait, so he wrote you, his fiance is a woman, has thyroid cancer, going in for surgery in October. We're hopeful for a full recovery.

Okay, yes. And he wants to know if we could give a shout out to his fiance. Shout out, what's her name? Anissa Maley. Anissa Maley. A really flowy name. A really flows off the tongue. Beautiful name.

Anissa Maley. Oh my God. So easy to memorize. Anissa Maley. So a shout out to Anissa Maley. And we're thinking about you. And hopefully you have a full recovery. And you kick thyroid cancer out of your body permanently.

I mean, God. I'm so sorry you're going through that. Both of you. I'm so sorry. And I hope that you have positive thoughts. And the thing about manifestation. Were we talking about this? Yeah, yesterday.

Because all I want to tell people with cancer, because I think if I got cancer, the first thing I would do was just start telling myself, like, it's gone. Thanks for showing up, but you're gone now. Like, I would start talking to it and trying to, like, manifest it away. Easy for me to say, of course, right?

I would also do all of the, you know, Western science things that I needed to do. You don't want to Steve Jobs this. I would not do all of the, you know, Western science things that I needed to do. Yes, you don't want to Steve Jobs this. I would not Steve Jobs this, but I would also add in that kind of positive attitude because I really do believe that stuff works and obviously leads to an Emmy nomination. As people have seen on the podcast, I manifested that. That's right. There was no talk of me winning an Emmy back when my special came out or being nominated

for an Emmy. No. And I feel like it did happen because I was just like, I mean, I did. We're talking about taking Emmys away from you. That's what feels like happened because it was my Emmy. I already said I won one months ago and it didn't happen. So they took it. But anyway, we were saying, though, Lizzie and I were talking about.

So Anissa, like, yeah, have all the positive thoughts, like picture yourself recovering, picture what it looks like after you recover picture leaving the hospital ringing that fucking bell or whatever you do when you recover picture all of the the text coming in picture the post you're gonna make when you're like i'm out like picture all the things like try to feel it through your body of like what it feels like to be triumphant over cancer or whatever it looks like for you like try to feel it but at the same time if you can't do that that's okay too because lizzie and i were talking and what were you saying yeah well i feel like uh when people get sick they're like well you must have been critical of yourself like there's this whole kind of school of spirituality and these gurus who

who think that you bring this stuff on yourself, it's not true. Or that a lack of doing positive thinking leads to it. So maybe not that you were being, yeah, negativity brings on negative things. If you scream at some water and then you say nice things to another glass of water, the glass of water you said nice things to has happier molecules. And yes, there's truth to that. But if you can't do it and something gets worse in your life, it's like and yes there's truth to that but if you can't do it um and you

and something gets worse in your life like it's not your fault like uh there's no free will it was always meant to be that way if you could you would i would recommend reading sam harris uh no free will if that's something that interests you but i would also just be nice to yourself i am i wake up every morning and I scream at my water. And it's not been going well so far. Yeah, I just want to talk about that for a second. Do people say, like, hello, water? Yes.

No, I think they do experiments where they're like, water, oh, you look so great today. I love you, water. I love you. And then they did experiments where they screamed at another water and then it had worse alkaline. So it's like the ooze from ghostbusters 2 that's under new york that's like fueled by good and bad thoughts yes the molecules restructure and become more symmetrical right yeah because of the positive well there's a movie about it what the bleep do we know or like oh yeah no that was actually that wasn't that i mean that was actually referenced in a cult, in the Nixxiom cult. The guy that made that documentary got swept up in Nixxiom.

Keep Nixxiom out your mouth. But it is amazing how well Anissa's surgery went and how all the cancer was removed from her body. Oh my God, I can't believe that we just got this update. It's crazy. And then her fiance messaged me and said that it's all gone then she and then and then her husband or fiance messaged me and said that it's all gone and she's cured and it never came back and never came back and it never it's been 20 years she's still cancer free it's awesome that's pretty cool a pretty cool story so just talk like that and um and that's like i've been i've been waking up in

the morning and when i'm like oh i just like tried it. Maybe it lasts. I'm not even joking. Sometimes it lasts for 1.5 seconds, but I'm just like, oh, Nikki, good job today. You can get through. Like I just say something nice to myself. I don't always remember to, but it like really does help to be nice to yourself.

I'm thinking so much about what I've learned in Kabbalah levels one through five. That's our biggest takeaway. Five levels of Kabbalah during the pandemic. Yeah, you were super into it. Well, they talk about reactivity and basically that no matter what happens, and this is obviously a particularly challenging situation

to be in, but that you pause and say, what a pleasure. Oh yeah, what a pleasure. Like what a pleasure to know this or to have this information. And that experiences like this are meant to reveal light. So you need to basically expand to receive more light. Okay.

And the way that you do that is by kind of, the key is to pause before you become reactive and be like, my life is over. This is blah, blah, blah. And obviously it's okay to have those moments and to go, you have to go through something, obviously, but that there's light to be revealed. Yeah, that everything,

like Chris and I got some not bad news, but like we wanted one thing to go one way and it didn't and i was like it's honestly i bet we're gonna say like thank god this happened this way and then there's something that actually we got good news about that was a result of us getting bad news a couple weeks ago that i'm so glad happened and i said it at that time too i was like i promise you this will lead to something good and we just got good news based on that bad thing happening so it does it does do that oh my god i gotta get off antidepressants because i'm feeling nothing oh yeah which are you on the pro uh no i am on cymbalta oh no just like what i was on cymbalta wait tell me what it does for you because i haven't been on i've only done prozac like

probably 10 years ago and maybe something i've never really been on antidepressants uh every day i take it and then whatever happens around me i'm just okay with yeah you seem really okay compared to a sean i knew like i just over a decade ago be panicking and like i forgot how to swallow i had so much anxiety right and then now on antidepressant like my mom will call me and be like your childhood best friend just died and i'm like hey okay wait is that good or bad oh no i was it would be okay if he was still i mean is it good or bad to have that reaction? I mean, I think it should be acceptance. You think? The alternative may be worse. I think you're supposed to feel stuff.

And like, cause like my wife feels everything. And then she's like, what are you feeling right now? And I'm like, I don't know. Like I want to watch Malcolm in the Middle. But if the alternative is just feeling constant anxiety it might be worse yes it might be worse yeah you gotta pick i took cymbalta for about a year and then the same thing happened to me because my stepdad died and i remember not feeling sad and i was like this is not good and i i got off of the cymbalta yeah i i i have noticed that i just do not cry. Like that is like completely.

You used to cry? I used to cry. So, oh my God, when I lived in New York, I would cry while running errands just because I didn't have time outside of my crying. Right, okay. Oh yeah, in New York, you just gotta cry at the grocery store.

Yeah, I mean like everything. Yeah, because there's nowhere to go. Right. That's interesting. I don't cry a lot, but I don't like that feeling that I have felt before of just, like, indifference to everything. Because it is nice to feel things. But at the same time, there's something appealing about it. Because the only thing I would worry about is that it would curb my drive in some way.

But it doesn't seem to have done that for you because you're one of my writers and like anytime I'm like, hey, can I get a thing for this? It's like thousands of jokes right away. Like you don't, you still seem to have the anxiety of like, I need to do a good job. Yes, that's still there.

That's interesting. Well, that's good you didn't lose that because you could also have an indifference to that. Yeah, no, it's just dulled everything else. Like it's just like, like one, like when you were doing the shout out, I didn't know we were on air

and that's why I said it was hard to pronounce. So yeah, like in my head, I'm like, I'm freaking out about that, but I'm also presented.

I took it as sincere. Yeah. I thought you were being sincere. I am. I am still. I think I'm being sincere. No,

you can say, I often say like jokes in moments where it's like supposed to be a touching thing just to like see. It's almost like a little like a little like shoplifting again. Like, can I get away with it? And if I do, man, it's going to be great to give my mom the shirt I stole. Like, it will be fun. Like, I will benefit not just my ego.

But yesterday I tried some joke that oh oh the guy with the speaker on his leg right and he's great and i know he has a great sense of humor about being a non-verbal person with cerebral palsy and um and and we just connected right away like i just knew we got each other and everyone did you like plug a usb cord i can i fucked up with this bluetooth we're on the same bluetooth but um i do have the same speaker i was like how often does it die for you and he was like never and i go well that's not possible never um but anyway um he was saying oh we were talking someone was backstage being like um i can't i was trying to memorize my jokes someone was trying to talk to me and i was like i really i would love to hear that lie um but i can't because i have to i have to like i have to look at my notes i don't know what i'm about to say on stage there's a famous person here to see

me and then um so they came they did oh my god we're friends oh my god anyway so i'm like i i can't i'm i'm so sorry and then i see him typing which is always great because the way you talk to he's about to be on the Andrew Santino's podcast I'm sorry I don't remember your last name Aaron it's A-H-R-E-N but you can find him

on Kill Tony and then look him up but he's and he's the only comic you'll know that doesn't talk okay so anyway

he thank you Brian for looking up so he's typing oh no I'm just texting my fiance Brian's writing about apples right now is it Aaron Belils sure for looking up. So he's typing. Oh no, I'm just texting my fiance. Ryan's writing about apples right now. Is it Aaron Belils?

Sure. Probably. Does he have a speaker on his hip and one arm that's kind of slinked up? And he's a young kid? Yeah, yeah. He's great. He's so funny,

but he was like, he was writing in his thing and then his speaker was like, the great thing about me is that i don't have to memorize any jokes and i was like oh that is nice i was like he goes i just you know press it or whatever and i go you have it so easy oh my god there's a lot of people in the room that don't know like our relationship but i was just like and he's not like when he laughs you can't hear it so like he really couldn't co-sign on it even though i know he liked it

but i was just like you have it so easy god i wish i were you like i just just but then i was like wait a second so you have all your jokes programmed in your phone already and you just press play i go do you ever like pretend you're typing just to like give the illusion and he was like sometimes and i go you should do it every time because every comedian pretends they're coming up with stuff on the same time you should too even though it's a more obvious he should program like low battery alert like into it yes i was trying to come up with jokes for him because it's such a joke basket of like there's something in there about ventriloquism Also like it would be amazing If he also

That's so funny Oh my god Let's get him on the horn He was so interesting me and Andrew and Carlisle Were at the improv and you know like at the improv In the green room upstairs There's like a wall That comes down you have to like duck under it

Yeah the secret chamber It's so insane. It must be some kind of like structural thing that they couldn't do. So anyway, there's two, you go up the stairs for the green room at the improv and there's one room and then there's another room

that like is the one that you can get to the stage from. And to get to the other room, you have to duck under this wall and it's probably like a three foot clearing, but you have to duck under this three foot clearing and then suddenly you just emerge in this room where a bunch of people could be hanging out and you, your entrance is just like awkward.

Yeah. And it's, and whenever I do it, like you, you kind of sometimes do it. Then you're like, you can't like back out like a door easily. Right.

You're like, go back. But first limbo out. You basically are like crawling through a laundry chute. It's I've never once entered that room and felt comfortable even if there are friends there because you're like hey guys it's so awkward but we were all sitting there me andrew and carlisle and um he caught we just see this guy kind of like and he like moves slower because he has cerebral palsy and he kind of like ducks under and i can see his arm and i'm like oh this guy has something and i don't know what

and he kind of ducks under and then he just is standing there we can't see a speaker yet so we were like kind of just like looking at this guy he's just like looking at us and then like typing on his phone and I'm we're just like waiting it was so like awkward it could have been so awkward but it wasn't because he's used to having these moments and so I kind of was just feeling his energy like I'm just gonna like wait for and he was like hi I'm errant like it was just how are you guys tonight and it was just so easy but it was um and then we just started like riffing on uh things about like that he could do jokes on which i felt almost hacky doing because i'm like have you thought about how like if you tell a girl like you can never get away with telling a girl like i didn't have my phone on me or like you know like i'm sorry i was away from

what like she's like well then how did you eat? Or whatever it is. But he was really nice. And you should, everyone should check him out. And maybe I'll have him on the podcast sometime. Beliesel. Beliesel? I guess. A-R-E-N.

Isn't that Belial? Yeah, maybe it's Belial. I don't know how to pronounce it. It's kind of, it's not clear. Okay, is this weird? We were talking for maybe two minutes. And then maybe not even that long. And I just go, what's going on with you?

Like, what do you have? Like, I just wanted to know why he couldn't talk. And I could tell that Carlisle and Andrew were kind of like, what? But, like, I don't think that's a crazy question. I'm not saying, like, this is weird. I just want to know, like, what do you have? And he said some joke at first. I forget what it was.

Hungover or something. You know, like, I forget what it was. And social anxiety or something. It was something like that. But then he was like, cerebral palsy. And I go, oh, Josh Blue, other famous comedian with CP. And he said, well, he can talk. And I was like, that's a really good point.

And he's like, but. But he shouldn't. Right. And then I was like, how long are you, have you been nonverbal? I don't think that handicapped people get asked those questions as much as you would think, except from kids who are like, what's wrong with you? You know what I mean? And maybe I am being disrespectful.

Did you say it in that voice? I screamed it. I screamed it at him. Yeah, she was shaking it That's right But I just feel like Sometimes it just like

Cuts the eye And you're just like I just I wanted to know Like what's the thing That you Like how rare is it Like that's always

Interesting to me When someone has A really rare disease CP is not terminal It's like a lifelong disease Yeah I think it probably Shortens your lifespan

I can't believe it wouldn't. But I think, I was like, Josh Blue was someone who, he was the first person I've ever been around with CP or maybe the first person I've been around.

No, I was, I had, you know, disabled or handicapped? People with handicaps? What do we say? Don't know. We should know that. But people who,

I don't know. Differently abled people. I had know. Differently abled people. Special needs. Special needs. Really? That seems worse. That's like the word dwarf. People in wheelchairs are supposed to call little people.

Special needs. Because they're shorter. But I remember being like, at first, feeling awkward around someone with that because I want to help out. And I feel like they're struggling. And it's like you want to be patient, but you also don't want to help them. And you're so aware of like you're projecting onto them like, how would I feel if I was in this? And this would suck so much.

And they're just so fucking used to it because it's all they know. It's their life. Yeah. Like, I always would feel like sad at first. And then I would be like, like, I always would feel, like, sad at first. And then I would be like, well, I'm just not going to even talk about it and I'm going to be, like, totally normal. And I'm like...

And then that's not right either because it's a thing that they're dealing with. You have to... Like, when I do a joke about, like, I remember pointing someone out in a wheelchair at a party and I was like, it's the guy in the wheelchair. And my friend was like, that's so... Don't do that.

And it's like, well, he knows. Like, that's... Why are we acting like it's not a thing? Let's say you broke your arm and's the guy in the wheelchair. My friend was like, that's so, don't do that. And it's like, well, he knows. Like, that's, why are we acting like it's not a thing? Let's say you broke your arm and your arm was in a cast. Yeah. How many times would you have to be asked what happened to your arm before you were annoyed by it? I think that, I don't think I'd ever get annoyed. Never. Because I would understand that I would probably want to know, too.

Yeah. And that it's like. So every time you walk into a room, it's like, what happened to your arm? I take it back. I broke it, obviously. But if I have something that is like my arm is curled up and I'm walking with a limp and I can't talk, I would expect people to. And they wouldn't because everyone feels like it's mean to ask if you have a disability or whatever or if you're differently abled but i would get a little annoyed with that or if i was tall i would get annoyed with people telling me wow you're tall did you play basketball

yeah yeah what if it was a large scar on your face that would be rude i think to ask people unless you knew them really well even though it it shouldn't be, I don't think. Or a birthmark. If I had a large scar. Oh, this is actually a great point. I had to, I cut my face, my dentist cut my face accidentally. And I had to go to an event that night. And I talked about this on the pod.

But I had to wear a Band-Aid on my face at this, like, event that was like a, you know, abortion rights event that I was going to. And there are people there to take pictures with me. And I walk in and I want to, well, I was just saying that. So it's like, it's about aesthetics. It wasn't about, I wasn't doing standup comedy to be like, and there was no chance for me to say, Hey, I've got a bandaid on my face, you know, which I would do if I was on stage. So what do you do? do when there's something glaring that is happening on you, on your person? Maybe you're wearing something

that's not right for the event. I know Lizzie, you would go, hey, I just wanna say, I came from the gym. I didn't know, I couldn't go home in time. That's why I'm wearing this. The gym, I would never say that. But you would address the thing right away. I'm like, all right, the gym.

But I kept saying to people I kept being like I have a bandaid on my face it's my dentist cut me And they were just like we don't need to know that And I'm like but you do because otherwise you'd whisper about it later Yeah I'd just be like what did she do Yeah like I just feel like it needs to be said Is she trying to be like Nelly Yeah

I do think that it needs to Like if I had a big scar And by the way I think I really like scars so I wouldn't mind someone asking But I would think that it needs, like, if I had a big scar on my face. And by the way, I think I really like scars, so I wouldn't mind someone asking. But I would think that's maybe rude. Sometimes it is a little bit too much. Like, if you washed your hands in the bathroom, remember when we all used to back in 2008 go, I didn't piss on my hands. I still do that. Yeah.

I still say it. Yes. Oh, my God. Sorry, I just washed my hands. That's why they're wet. We don't need to know that. I think that to me is implied. No, I think you do.

Just don't shake hands then. Do a fist bump. No, okay, yeah, sure. But if someone goes in for a handshake, doing the fist bump, it just makes things so awkward. You're not Howie Mandel. Everyone doesn't know your little fucking instinct. Like, just do the handshake,

and then if my hand's wet, I gotta say something. I can't have them thinking I have a wet hand I was nervous to meet you I don't need to say This isn't my urine On my hand I didn't just piss all over you But I can just say

I just wash my hands I don't think it's I don't think anyone's ever I've never been excited To shake someone's hand No no I love when the elbow Got introduced

No What I don't think anyone Wait I haven't Really Yeah I don't mind it I like I forget to wash my hands

After meet and greets Like I don't have A. I forget to wash my hands after meet and greets. I don't have a germ thing, though. Yeah. Almost to a fault. Nikki believes in germs, but she doesn't believe in the power of germs. I don't. But petting a dog, if I even so much as touch a dog with a finger, I can feel it all day, and I need to instantly go wash it before anything.

I can feel the dander. I know. That's different. I hate, I hate, I hate, like I love my dog, but like I also hate when he gets near me and touches me.

I don't think they are clean animals. They're disgusting. They're so gross. Okay, we got to go to break. We'll be back with more after this.

2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? wherever you get your podcasts. questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord We'll be right back. Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy, my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it.

He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. I started to live a double life. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery, a story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. can turn my face away which i do yes um i here's a thing that i know i really don't like contact i'm like but then i can turn my face no because i understand like you you have reason to not want

germs yeah i'll fucking over you like i mean we all do but like it's it it makes sense but i was thinking of this the other night and lizzie maybe this is something that we can describe for men and maybe noah you understand it too i mean, I definitely think women do. There are certain men that you, I don't even know that I realize I do this, but I categorize them as when we meet or see each other, I have to hug them and get a kiss on the cheek because they're a cheek kisser. Like I will mark those men and I will know that like they need an extra embrace. And they're men that I actually really love. Like I could list them out and I will know that they need an extra embrace. And they're men that I actually really love.

I could list them out and I won't now, but I'm going to send a name to you and you tell me if it makes you go, I'm going to have to embrace that person longer. Okay? Okay. Do you know him? Yes. I know who that is. Do you know that the embrace is going to have to be extra long?

He's going to make it longer. He's going to? He will. Yes. And to give him what he needs yeah why does he need that he's just a loving guy like i just i do feel like i saw him the other night and i didn't get to hug him but i saw him on stage and i was like oh i'm gonna have to hug him later oh he's one of those guys that it's like i have to like almost brace myself for like a longer embrace and i don't mind it because i actually feel like he's like a teddy bear and it's not sexual. But there are some that I just,

do you know what I'm talking about? Like there are some men that you know are going to give you a kiss on the cheek and you remember them forever. Yes, they give you like a little, like a hug and then they press it even harder. Yes.

And I love that. And then the cheek on the, the kiss on the cheek, do you know men who do that? The fact that you were watching someone thinking, I'm going to have to hug him later is so funny I was like

I need it almost I think Because I really do love this man And he's never creeped me out Certainly there are men that creep you out But I'm talking about cheat kissers Right They just do it to every girl We all know about it

I've had someone More of an acquaintance in the past Who I would see frequently They just do it to every girl. Yeah, I know. And it's just like, we all know about it. I've had someone, like more of an acquaintance in the past who I would see frequently and because he was shorter than me, he would hug me and the kiss would land on my neck and it really creeped me out.

Oh, no. That's creepy. And that is intentional. There's nothing European. I mean, there is so much European about that, but it's not a cheek kiss. Oh, my God. I think the cheek kissing in europe is insane

like we're talking about germs that is for everyone you meet and sometimes they do three yeah oh my god it's like when you yeah but you don't actually kiss the cheek you just kiss next to the cheek oh you kind of just like you can't yeah okay i like that but even that like makes me so nervous yeah to get it wrong and go to the wrong side and then you threaten almost kissing them because it's so... I don't even like saying hello. What is all this performative bullshit we have to do? I'm a hello man.

You just come in, you sit down, you talk. I wish we bowed. I hate being touched. I would bow. Bowing is so much more respectful. It is awesome. We need to do that. Please, Japan.

Oh my God. I was watching a Korean soap opera the other day called Maison Tokyo or something. It's on Netflix, but it was playing in the nail salon. And I was like, oh, I can't believe I have to watch this. That's French for house. Yeah, yeah. So it was about two restaurants that are in competition with each other. I was sucked into this thing.

These actors were so amazing. But there was one scene where the girl had lied about something and she had to confess that she lied to everyone, all the chefs around her. And she just was like, and I'm sorry. And she bowed like this. Yes. And I'm sorry.

She has to show that she's full of shame. And then she stayed for about three, one, two, three, and then slowly rose back up. And I loved it. And no eye contact. And no eye contact, but I loved it. It was a way to say sorry and like really, I don't know, it's more extra than sorry. Like it actually made it mean something.

Yeah. I wish they had panned down and there had been a scallop, a single scallop that she was checking on. That she was picking up with her mouth. It was like, yeah, bobbing for apples. And was checking on. She was picking up with her mouth. Bobbing for apples. And then comes up and she's like, dinner is served. I just, I would love a bow if we could become a bow society. Oh man, why is it racist for us

whites to do the bow? No, it kind of is. It looks like we're making fun. Yeah, but can we let us bow? I would embrace it, but I do feel like the moment I start bowing, I'm also going to be like, you know,

I do want to wear a kimono. I just keep taking it further. I keep going further. I have a ponytail. It is. Is there something about it religiously, like a Judeo-Christian,

like we don't worship false idols, therefore we won't bow? I mean, probably. Everything in this country is kind of fucked up because of religion and we are all like so proud too i think that apologizing is such a difficult thing for americans or being deferential to your elders and yeah we just don't respect elders like they do i i used to have a joke that i lived with my parents until i was 25 which is embarrassing unless you're Asian. And people used to go, oh. And I'm like, no, because in their country,

you stay with your family forever because you love them. No, that was all the Asians laughing. They were all bowing to me in reverence. Did you watch the Live to 100 documentary? That guy that has like a scratchy voice like this. His voice hurt. You think it was hosted by RFK? I do like that guy though a lot.

And what he found, yeah. But wasn't there like a city in Japan where they were living so long and it's because they didn't have chairs? Yeah. And they're squatting all the time. And they're constantly going just from sitting to standing.

Yeah. And using like their core. Yeah. Certain muscles. all the time and they're all they're constantly going just from sitting to standing yeah and using like their their core or their certain muscles why did we not know about cores core strength until like maybe 10 years ago like i don't know there was no mention of yeah i was thinking no one no one there is falling in the shower and breaking a head no they squat now there's right waiting for the bus it's frequently people will just squat down. They won't sit anywhere. And then the toilets, right?

The toilets, too? You squat on the toilets. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's just like a hole in the toilet. Yeah, you don't sit on the toilet. I'm already doing that one. Do you sit on the toilet? Wait, where's the hole here, by the way?

I just got rid of my toilet. Do you guys, when you have to go number two in a public restroom and then us for number one or two? Do you hover over? Depends on the condition. I eye it first and then I assess it. If there's a sprinkle of pee, I will just wipe it off.

I wipe it off. I wipe it off. And then like if I'm feeling really saucy, I'll give it a little lick. I do. I was just gonna say that. I suck it off. That's so gross.

No, I never do number two in public. Yeah, no. That's insane. Neither do I. But is it like your body won't even allow it? It doesn't work. It shuts down. So you've never had to go number two in public and then you can't.

It's just like your body won't even suggest it. I have literally my doctor even said this the shyest asshole that would be an amazing reality show I think Jenny Slate would voice

in that cartoon yeah that's that's how at Taylor Swift I never have to go pee even though I've drank so much water like my body is just like

no that's not what we're doing now and then it will or you know when I go on stage my feet don't hurt when i'm in shoes when i'm on stage and the second i stop off they'll start hurting yeah you just like your body can just figure out what to do you're in your fight mode right yeah it's like when you're sick you're like a soldier at war when you're seeing era yeah i totally am you're so right um i do i i very rarely poo in public but if i do i do a little toilet paper covering oh you do i do the little the five such a ritual oh god i just it's too

much i gotta put them all down i'm too horrified i know it does nothing but like going into a bathroom and then like if like at work like i can never do it because if somebody ever like smelled my shit i would be horrified i'd be like because i've smelled people's shit and i'm like too intimate sucks like this person should be in jail i could do a 23 on me on you right now like with all the data i've collected oh it's it's bad you're right but i've never thought about that i guess i just don't care yeah and my and i just do a courtesy flush as soon as it's coming out i start flushing you know so it's just it doesn't have any chance to like meet the air oh that's fun so you're like a train conductor but sometimes it

does not go down right and it's one bathroom at a starbucks that other people are lined up outside and what do you do then? I mean, that's why. Chittins. You wrap your hand in paper towel and you get in and you pull it out and you put it in the trash bin. Yeah. You got to do it.

No. I don't want people to see in my poo. You've stuck your hand in a Starbucks toilet? Yeah. But with my hand wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy. Because it wasn't flushing? Yeah. And i just don't want people i mean i've talked about this on the show before it was it was an incident you can look

it up on youtube it's called shittens because we make mittens out of toilet paper it's called and people were disgusted by it but i can't it would it all stemmed from being at a comedy show and there was like a line of men and women trying to get in one bathroom and I went and it was, it wouldn't go down and I could not have everyone on that show. It was at Comics. Not Comics, it was on Cabin. Oh, yes. When I had just moved to town, like 2010, I can't

have it. Honestly, I'm impressed with the confidence of shit at Cabin. My body doesn't shut down like that. I don't even think they had stall doors there. No, it was insane. It was one bathroom. And so there was a long line of people

and I just couldn't bear having someone think that I did that, so I just shit instead. And you put it in the trash and then you put a bunch of toilet paper on top and stuff so that it doesn't smell in the trash. I mean, it's just already a smelly bar. So disrespectful.

And then you wash your hands like a doctor. That's where people do cocaine. But you wash your hands like a doctor afterwards Like I know it's disgusting but like If I use antibacterial soap A crazy amount on every part Of my arm that could have ever touched anything How gross is it? Pretty gross I mean I guess you're covering up the evidence

I don't see the difference Between like leaving it in the toilet and then putting it in the Trash it still is like poop. Final thought. Submerging your hand is that things can go in through your cuticle. I understand, but that's why I scrub like under my fucking finger nails. If you're doing the doctor thing, like really going in. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like honestly, you're getting all the shit out of there. Yeah. And also, this was what, 15 years ago? And it was my shit, by the way. This was 15 years ago? Yeah, but I would do it today. That's there. And also, this was 15 years ago. And it was my shit, by the way. This was 15 years ago? Yeah, but I would do it today. That's interesting. Shittens?

I would do it today. Absolutely. It's not like I would like to do it today. You'd have more confidence that you wouldn't need to do it. No, I wouldn't want anyone. Like Sean said, it's not about the smell. I just don't want someone seeing my shit. Honestly, I'd rather them see my asshole.

I'd rather them like... Go look inside preformed. Pull my ass cheeks apart and bend over in front of them than see my asshole. Like, I'd rather them, like... Go look inside preformed. Yeah, like, pull my ass cheeks apart and bend over in front of them than see my shit. Like, no, I just can't have that. It truly is the most private thing we have. What about just covering up the shit

in the toilet with the shit instead of plucking it out? No, because then they have to go... It's, like, out of respect for them, too. Like, now they have to deal with it. They have to go to the bathroom. Well, you're making layers. You know, like a cemetery when it's too full.

Listen, I understand. When there's already a cemetery going on, I'll just put on top to the bathroom. You know, like a cemetery when it's too full. Listen, I understand when there's already a cemetery going on, I'll just put on top of the cemetery and bury more bodies. But if it's the first, if I'm the first bodies

to be buried, I gotta get rid of them. I will say, the closest I've ever come to like actually just like moving away out of LA and leaving is once I was at work

and I had a Google search asking, why is my shit pencil shaped? And somebody saw it and I was like i ain't going to kill myself dude that's so funny oh my god by the way a shy asshole would make a pencil wow that's almost too perfect a number two a number two pencil wow that's

almost too perfect oh my god and the you know what the beauty of this is is that you were gonna leave town because someone saw you

google that but then you just told us that you did why is that that things right after the moment are like horrifying the worst thing

that could ever happen to you cut to five years down the road saying them for everyone to hear anyone can hear this you're truly your most your most humiliating moments become so funny to you it really is a lesson for anyone out there who like has embarrassing moments happen to you like the thing that you is gonna make you leave the job that you're working at because someone like just use it later for a good story at a dinner party like it frees us all because we all have these things and like just think of how funny it

will be someday later on and i hope to god that it's funny for you i hope you have enough people in your life that you could share those things with that it will be funny and if not just dm them to us because we like this stuff i wish we'd still had clippy because then clippy could have oh like what if i have clippy shape but you should get a in all seriousness you should get a colonoscopy the pencil-shaped poop that can indicate polyps which which was my great worry i By the way. I got checked out at the time. It turns out I was horrifically addicted to Ativan. And it was back to school season.

Back to school season. Do you know, I got a colonoscopy like a few months ago and as I'm going under, someone was like, oh, you do comedy?

And I go, yeah. And then like, I'm in, I'm nude, you know, gown open in the back, on my side. And he goes, anything I can find online? And I go, no.

No. I just go, no. Great. Like, I want you looking up clips of me while my ass is being, like. Well, I had a similar thing. I think I talked about it on the podcast, but I'm trying to figure out how to talk about it on stage. I was getting a spray tan fully naked like i didn't write wear the right underwear to have the spray tan on top of the underwear so i had to just go nude and the girl is just like i didn't think she knew who i was i didn't even think she would know i wasn't even

thinking in that way and she was like i just want to say you killed it on the rose my boyfriend is such a huge fan and i was like oh that's so nice. I'm standing there just spread eagle. I'm like, she's definitely going to tell her boyfriend about my vagina. There's no way. We haven't exchanged. How do you say I met Nikki Glaser at work and there's nothing else that happened between us except you painted my vagina.

You painted it. That's totally normal for her. She's spray tanning people all day long, every day. How do you not go home and say, hey, this famous person that you like was my client today? And how is the next question not, what was it like naked? What did she look like naked?

It has to be. Yeah, because they don't have HIPAA. There's no HIPAA ever. Oh my God, there should be. For Braun's son at the Brentwood Pavilion. Honestly, I wish there was HIPAA for every conversation. Yeah? Yeah.

That would give you some security. I guess. I'm always like, don't tell anybody this. Yes. And then. I feel like that's not fair of me to do in a way. Because you give the option to people. Like, hey, if I tell you this, are you cool with not telling anyone?

Because sometimes, one time someone was like like you can't tell anyone and I was just at a point in my life where I was like I know what's about to come out is too juicy and I just don't I'd rather you not tell me because I can't be trusted with it. So I kind of like read myself I think people can opt out of it I think that's there is a way if you just go you can't tell anyone blah blah blah like but like

give them a chance. Well I'll say it here and now then I created HIPAA It was you give them a chance well i'll say it here and now then i created hippa all right i gotta go thank you guys so much for being here this was so fun lizzie cooperman everyone do you have a podcast still i can't believe it i don't have my podcast right now i don't but it was so it's still up i'm guessing it was so fun it is lizzie cooperman's in your hands i crowdsourced my life for a year. She would pose a question to

her listeners every week like, should I do this or this? And then they would vote and she would have to do it. You worked at Victoria's Secret. I ended up working at Victoria's Secret. And when I left Victoria's Secret, I'm proud to say I was Associate of the Month. Oh my god!

Yes. I went to Victoria's Secret I told them my name was Elizabeth and that I was associate of the month oh my god yes I went to Victoria's Secret I told them my name was Elizabeth and that I was a ghost writer I love that you can just have that's cool yeah but I think they were

kind of on to me because they were like then why do you work here and one day I go during the pandemic people had time to write their own books wow

so I need to pick up I bought a bra from Victoria's Secret the other day, and it was $54 for a basic one that you can get at Target for $20. And I was like, this is... I just grabbed it and was like, let's just do this one. The associate was very nice, as you all are trained to be. And at $54, I almost was like, no, what? That's crazy.

Yeah. It's too much. It wasn't like a nice one. It was just their basic. We need to start voting with our wallets on this inflation stuff. Corporations are artificially inflating prices and blaming it on inflation. Just stop buying $10 hamburgers. Okay.

I can't. Sean O'Connor, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Wait, do you guys want to plug anything? Do you have anything to plug? I just plugged an old podcast of yours lizzycooperman.com

I've got all my shows listed there she's so funny you guys check her out thank you she's one of the best ever Sean O'Connor October 7th on Hulu

check out the Solar Opposites Halloween special written by me oh my god wait what it's gonna be fun what is it

it's the show I work on And it's about aliens But this is It stars Thomas Middleditch And Dan Stevens Oh yeah Isn't Mary Mack on that show? Mary Mack's on it

She's so funny She's so great I love Mary Mack Yeah no it's really great We have a Halloween special It's part two of last year Yeah it wasn't last year What was it called?

It was like Mr. Weebles Something or other Yeah I don't know the name of it. October 7th on Hulu? Yes, and it's called The Hunt for Brown October. Okay. That's awesome. And then Brian, check him out in the New York Times.

That's right. I'm in the New York Times. Bon Appetit. And possibly something else coming down the... I was in Food 52 today, which is a big popular Instagram account. Is this Apple related? Yeah, all Apple related. AppleRankings.com.

Check it out. He's the new Steve Jobs. That's right. All right. I've actually got some tour dates coming up that I can plug real quick. Noah,

do you know what they are? Yes, I do. Next week, California, right? So, yep. September 20th is the next date, which you'll be in Lincoln, California, right? So, yep. September 20th is the next date, which you'll be in Lincoln, California. That's right. Thunder Valley Casino Resort in Lincoln, California.

And then on the 21st, which is a Saturday, I will be with Sean O'Connor on both of these, right? I will be in Modesto. Lacey Peterson. Will I do a joke about Scott Peterson? I don't think you can there. Being so hot. Modesto, Gallo Center for the Arts. So next Will I do a joke about Scott Peterson? I don't think you can there. Being so hot? Oh, God.

Modesto, Gallo Center for the Arts. So next week, California 20th and 21st. And then I'm in Vegas with David Spade the following weekend, the 27th and 28th at the Venetian. And then a bunch more tour dates coming up. Windsor, Ontario. And then, yeah, look for me on, just pay attention to my socials. Something fun's coming up and I can't wait for you to see it.

All right. Thank you. Don't be scared. Bye. The Nikki Glaser Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcast. Created and hosted by me, Nikki Glaser.

Co-hosted by Brian Frangie. Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Han Sani, and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lean and Loaf. Video production, Mark Canton. And music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube. Follow at Nikki Glaser Pod and subscribe to our channel.

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