The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #474 Age Gaps, Caviar Bumps & Julie Cuts A Rug!

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Yesterday’s gang is back at it today! Nikki and Julie dive into the nitty-gritty of partying together. For starters, Julie’s party outfit was inspired by Michelle Obama, Nikki is letting herself off the hook when she can’t remember a name, and Sean is ready for one of those “caviar bumps.” Nikki talks about meeting some of her favorite names in comedy and shares her go-to way to calm down, which she might need when they realize that Julie hired the Chimp Crazy lady. Everyone has an age gap with their partners—Nikki likes being younger than Chris, while Brian enjoys being older than Ali. After learning why football is called football in the U.S., Nikki finally gets an answer to her question about “downs” and announces that her new book is going to make her a sports goddess. They wrap it all up by sharing stories about their memorable teachers and revealing which actor cut up a rug with Julie Glaser! Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast    Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Quartz Love. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Quartz Love Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance.

You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Same group as yesterday's show. We got Brian Frangie. Hello. We got Sean O'Connor.

Wearing the same clothes. Woo-hoo. We got Noah in Arizona. Yep. And we got my mother Julie Glazer. Thank you Nikki. Yeah. Thanks for being here. Speaking of clothes. Yeah. So we didn't really talk too much about like

the details of the parties yesterday but I want to know how Julie felt getting glam. She was all glammed up. I know I got her hair and makeup done by my friend Leia who got that necklace from richard simmons yeah uh she did a great job she really did i actually i'm not used to getting glammed so i was kind of looking in the mirror going i don't know yeah she freaked out at first because we didn't have we don't have mirrors right in front of us which we're used to having when you're getting your glam done so you can

kind of slowly see your face turn into this face you don't recognize because it's so much hotter than your normal face and she also did your makeup in a different way because you've just been winging it for 50 plus years of doing makeup yeah you don't at all still at this age even though you wear it all the time right so so you don't get a lesson for sure. No, but we all have the way we do our eyebrows. No, it's just I'm easy, whatever. I don't do a lot. And so she gave my mom eyebrows. And eyebrows change your face so much that I think my mom was just shocked at first, which often happens.

She didn't give me dark enough eyebrows. Oh, that's right. But they went too far down the side. She drew them down the sides. And you didn't like that. Yeah, and I mean, it was a lot for my face. And then my hair was glued to my head. Yeah, she did. Which it was a lot for my face. And then my hair was like glued to my head. Yeah, she did. Which I don't normally wear.

But that's why I kept telling you, like, that's why I gave you Leia, because she is, it's really nice to have a hair and makeup person that, or anyone that doesn't take it personally when you tell them there's things that you don't like. No, she wasn't. I was kind of like, can we do, and she said, oh, yeah. And she shouted to you straight up like, we can't do that. Yeah, we can't fix that. In some circumstances. You don And she shouted to you straight up like, we can't do that. Yeah. We can't fix that. You don't have any hair.

No. No, she didn't say that. No, she's very nice. But I think you look so awesome. And I made my outfit. Yeah. My mom made her outfit. So the night of the DNC, like the big night of the DNC, we were watching it on the couch.

And I got a text from my mom right after Michelle Obama's speech that was that was like i'm making that outfit what do you think and she loved it so much that she was like i'm gonna make it and we didn't you weren't even planning to go to the emmys at that point with no you were just making it for your life no i just wanted to make it and then you gave me this opportunity to like wear it i'm like i'm making it you nailed it too. And she made this. How did you make it? So anyway, what it is. Besties, pull up Michelle Obama. It's made by these designers, Mons, M-O-N-S-E. And they're just really cool designers.

I looked it up and I'm like, wow, I love their statement. It's kind of taking a man's suit and taking it apart and just kind of feminizing it. Deconstructing it. Deconstructing it. A men's blazer? Suit. Suit. An actual suit.

And then you had the belt with it? Yeah, I made the belt. Yeah, it was like a vest suit that was like, oh, it was really cool. It was actually a jacket. I took the sleeves off. You did a great job. And then made a belt. You kept saying that dad would be commenting on

she's worked probably 60 hours on that. I was taking time away from him. He's like, well, you're like 30 hours into that. I'm like, that's not true. He's like, you play guitar for 30 hours. I finally have a project that I'm excited about. No.

Not on dad's time. You're messing up things. My meals aren't on the table at the right time. Because you're in the other room sewing your way to democracy. No, it was fun. I had fun making it. Yeah. It looked great.

It was so cool. To the point I feel like if Michelle Obama saw it, you'd just become her new designer. I was hoping she was going to be here. You also, Dad reminded me last week that you saw J-Lo's dress to the Oscars in 1999 or 2000

and you recreated that because my parents used to get invited to the Cannes Film Festival I think in 2000 and 2001. Three years in a row. I remember one year I was in a car crash. What was the cause of the invite? Well, my husband, Nikki's father, worked in the cable business and it was a gift.

Dear friend of Harvey Weinstein. Bravo. Used to take us. They go way back. Used to take us. We don't talk about that. So we say her story. But my dad and Harvey Weinstein used to be old chums.

No. He might have been there. When I think of Cannes early 2000s, I think of rape Harvey Weinstein stories. Yeah, that was his reign of terror. Yeah. Really? I think of that too.

I think that's probably the time. Yeah, you did not want to be a masseuse on the Coast of Friends. Oh my God. No. But we would see major stars. Or the most famous young actress that seems to need no one's help to get ahead if you don't want to be that person either um anyway the other guy the italian guy who also from that era oh uh molested uh people or something the director yeah what's

his name um oh god you know this the director that's been, not Woody Allen. He's got a famous child, right? What's his name? Polanski. Oh, yeah, Roman Polanski. Roman Polanski, yes. Yeah, there's issues with him, too. Yeah, but his issues, listen, his wife died.

Oh, good one. Wait, someone was just talking about how, oh, I was on Bill Maher's podcast again, and he was talking about how oh i was on a bill maher's podcast again and he was talking about how charlie chaplin was like famous for marrying children like famously went after like 12 year olds and i go bill i haven't heard like i'm pretty well aware of cultural moments like that where it's like broken open like this isn't who we thought it was how did i miss that one that one's still buried yes oh my god like uh i assume you know about it because you are plugged in yeah like i'm like i that is like one of my only obsessions it's like old comedy pedophiles

kind of is mine i'm fascinated but i'm like I'm like, what the fuck, these weirdos. So yeah, Charlie Chaplin. I haven't gotten into it. It just was anecdotal from Bill over the weekend, but I couldn't believe it. Did you know that? No, no one talks about it. Did you know that, Mom? Well, I think I heard that.

Didn't he marry someone very young? Well, yeah, his last wife, I think, Una. Maybe it was his last wife. Una Chaplin or Una O'Neil was Eugene O'Neil's daughter. And she just turned 37 right yeah he met her when she was like 11 yeah disgusting yeah disgusting yeah they gloss over that dude i just that's so crazy i met your father when i was four i was gonna say that but i i didn't want to open up all like yeah but it it was very innocent. Yeah, because my dad was best friends with her older brother.

Wow. He did give me a guitar lesson. Oh yeah, and that part too. Oh yeah, that part too. He was 30, but no. How much older is dad than you? He's four and a half years. Oh yeah, so he was nine when he met you.

No, so I'm older than Allie by like five years. Do you ever notice the age gap there? Like, is there any time No, because she's

a by far youngest sibling in a three sibling where she had two much older siblings. So, she's all in on everything.

she was hip to everything. Yes, exactly. She really is. Yes. Like, that'll do it. She's like best friends

with her older brother and her older sister and they would just hang and talk about Smash Mouth or whatever the fuck. Yeah, she was plugged into the older generation.

That's a really good point. How about, what's the age gap for you and Erin? She's a year older than me. I've never dated somebody who is younger than me. Interesting.

Actually, that's not true. I did date this girl who was a year younger than me and when she broke up with me she told me the reason why she was breaking up with me is i was too young for her that's a good point like do you think you're attracted to like women who are but a year older is your age i mean yeah i know but we are constantly just mocking her for being a year older like my son and i oh yeah you know like we're ageist in our house i do like i do like that chris is older than me like it does feel like okay like there's something to it like just

knowing you have more life than someone else i thought you guys were the same age until it's birthday and but i do feel cool because i'm always like i'm a sophomore dating a senior i like put it back to that and then suddenly i'm the coolest girl like he was a cool guy senior too i'm like oh my god i was a dorky sophomore and i got the cool guy senior i mean he's still like a cool guy senior like he is like he likes cars i'm like this is so cool yeah I've never met anyone like that. Yeah, he's into F1. He knows a lot about it. Yeah, he is a cool guy. But so, yeah, your look was awesome.

Did you have fun at the parties? So much fun. What were some highlights? I guess I was, well, first of all, I got to eat caviar. Oh. Oh, did you get a caviar bump? A couple of them. They do it.

You're right when you say bump. They do it as a bump now. Yeah, they do it like, yeah. You lick on your hand. And you just, yeah. You just. What? And they put it on.

Yeah, they put it right in your hand. Oh, my God. It's become very popular in LA of doing caviar bumps. Because I think everyone. Oh, my God. Is outgrowing cocaine. So now. Oh, so this is the new decadent thing.

I guess that makes sense. It was delicious it was really good caviar i love caviar but the other thing was that no napkins it's like i just licked my hand and i have caviar all over my face both bumps yeah it's the dumbest thing i've ever heard yeah make you lick your hand and then they put fish eggs on it yeah and that's because of cocaine yeah yeah i mean it's supposed to be like, look at us. This is why people hate Hollywood. I know. That's why people hate Hollywood.

But listen, the child sex room wasn't, it was empty. It was empty. It couldn't, yeah. It was tucked away. Good vibe in there, though. It was empty. It was empty. The karaoke room was empty.

Empty. And then it got. When I discovered it. My mom and I went on like So we were at the San Vincente Bungalows Which is actually where Carlisle Forrester Who has been on the show before Who's Girls Chat

Good friend She works there And she was like I got your table tonight And she was like It's gonna be so fun And you're sitting next to Conan And you're sitting next to

All the comedians It's gonna be a great time And we got there late Because we went to Netflix first And this is HBO? Because there's a bunch of parties That you just jump around to Yeah this was HBO And then we got there And we sat went to Netflix first. And this is HBO? Because there's a bunch of parties that you just jump around to. Yeah, this was HBO.

And then we got there and we sat down. It was really fun. She brought us over a tray of all these delicious food. Good vibe. It's kind of like a garden-y type hang situation. It's kind of a smaller party. The other parties are like big, almost warehouses or sound stages that have a dj and everyone's walking around this big space so this is like low ceilings intimate like uh like a courtyard courtyard yes uh feeling in

yeah um and we sat at that table for a minute any highlights yeah uh john um oh yeah oh that was nice like was amo oliver oliver okay sorry I had a mind slip there. No. Was so cute. We're just standing there talking, and I saw him look over here, and I'm like, he's coming over here. He's coming. He's dragging his wife over. I mean, he went through bushes to get over to Nikki, and he said, I just want to.

I just turned around because Chris taps me and is like, hey. And I thought he was just Going to show me Introduce me to someone And I just turned And it's John Oliver Right next to me He's like I just want to say

You know great job And it's great to see Like so Oh my god I love it Congratulations I loved your speech And his wife

I was like I was obsessed with his I was staring at his wife During the Emmy show Being like She's the prettiest girl ever So I got to tell her Like I was like Obsessed with how gorgeous She looked I'm sure you have more To offer Emmy show being like, she's the prettiest girl ever. So I got to tell her like, I was like obsessed with how gorgeous you look.

I'm sure you have more to offer the world. But like, that's all I saw when they were cutting to you. And they were both so nice. Iraq war veteran. That's right. Oh my God. Yeah, he met her when she was a medic. Which side?

She was, yeah. America. Wait, yeah. Tell me how they met because it's an interesting story He was like filming something For the Daily Show Yeah for the Daily Show Yeah And then

They were getting in trouble So she hid them Like I love it so much Oh my god The general or something So cool I don't know how the army works

That is That's a great Seth Rogen Charlie's Theron type movie Yeah they got That's a great story That was a great speech though That was funny and touching

He talked about his dog Who just recently passed And then he brought it out to all dogs Shout out to all dogs You are good girls, you are good boys Good night, we love you It was just so sweet I used to be a fan of his big time

But super fan now That was so nice of him because he had way more important people to talk to at that party and we have only met I think I'm trying to think of maybe once since he did a thing with Nikki and Sarah live on MTV

where his show had just come out I think they were actually just writing it and we drove to his studio we did this bit where we were, it was before me too, but we were like, you know, trying to touch as many celebrities as possible. Like, and it was without them noticing.

So was Harvey Weinstein. I know. This was my reign of terror. I was uncomfortable with it the whole time, but we never were sexually touching people, but I would, I would not, we would not do this bit now. Anyway, we were doing a bit.

We were running around town trying to get. And you had a little mustache and a bowler hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we were on a budget for that wardrobe department. And they had also done Band of Brothers. So is that the right word? So anyway, we had him act like he was hailing a taxi outside of his office and then we ran up to like you know like it was like us pretend pretending to go on this quest to get as many

famous people but he did that and I remember thinking like it's so cool that he just did this dumb moment with two comedian girls he's never heard of for sure at this point um and he's tirelessly working on this thing and he just did this thing like that he easily could have said no to and no one would have cared at all and it would have been the easiest it was just so nice and I And he's tirelessly working on this thing. And he just did this thing that he easily could have said no to. And no one would have cared at all. And it would have been the easiest. It was just so nice. And I think that was the last time I talked to him.

But that was really nice of him. He couldn't wait. I could see him. He was like making his way. I have to ask Carl L. for the season's TV footage. I'm like a hawk eye at those parties for famous people. And I saw him And he's like He's walking this way

I know So exciting That was so nice He's been a fan for He's been a fan For a long time Because I remember At one point

During Not Safe Like it was brought up That John Oliver Was a fan of the show Oh my god Yeah See I like black these Black out these moments Yeah Because it's too much for me And I feel like like it was brought up that John Oliver was a fan of the show. Oh my God. Yeah. See, I like black these black out these moments.

It's too much for me. And I feel like they actually don't support my story that I tell myself that I'm a fraud. And so I think I eliminate them from my memory in a, in a way to preserve the story I'm telling myself about myself. Sure. I guess that's the, cause I always forget when people have said nice things Almost always

Yeah It does not stick in my head People have to remind me Remember this That's why I said I don't remember If I've met him since Because if I did

He was probably nice And I would probably Just put it away Because it's too much Like when I met Larry David For the second time And said nice to meet you And he says

We've met before And I didn't remember Meeting him the first time Because he was He remembered Yes Wow And I didn't remember Of course I remembered As soon as remembered. Yes. Wow. And I didn't remember.

Of course, I remembered as soon as he said it, but I had blocked it out because it's just too much to have met him and say he's a fan. It's just crazy to be a fan for your whole life and then somebody know who you are. Yeah. Wow, that is crazy.

You mentioned it that way. Well, I just have to say, I have a triotist, I guess, to give about forgetting things. Okay. If you forget someone's name or you can't remember a face, no matter who it is, it's not your fault. No one chooses to forget things.

I mean, there are things you can do to maybe remind yourself of something if it's like important. But like, I have to let myself off the hook for not knowing things you remember everyone's names that is not true at all i feel like i was i had my screen on dim for every single party i went to because i was googling people famous very famous people's name to double check that i had their name right in the first place and i forgot people that i i last night no this is over the course of the weekend yes probably last night there were a couple moments yeah there's there was one moment where there was a woman who hugged me and talked to me in a way that i knew we had an intimacy of having worked

together before very closely yeah could not place her could not place her name could not place where she where she works what she does anything but i knew she had had a real moment with me and you're not meant to know this many people you know so many people it's not my fault though like i can't be like oh i'm so dumb for forgetting like i would remember it if i could like i did of course because i think we get people get offended when you don't remember them and it's like i didn't choose to forget i'm sorry it doesn't mean anything well it's also like one of these things where like, to me, like if I've like met like Tom Hanks or something. Yeah.

To me, that is a pivotal moment in my life. Yes. And to Tom Hanks, I was just like a guy who was like, when you go out there, like hit this mark. Of course, he's not going to remember me. Yes. But then like, I'm not going to get offended by that. But some people do get offended by that. I saw a girl the other night, and I don't think I said this on the podcast the other day, but it happened previous to the podcast.

I was talking about there was a green room situation recently that was uncomfortable, and there was a person who said to Dane Cook as he walked in, hey, I haven't seen you since 2007. You don't remember me, do you? Oh, God. I'm like, do you think Dane Cook 2007 remembers any? He probably has Guinness World Records of having met the most people in a year for that year of his life.

Of course. Yeah, that was like peak Dane Cook. Yes. His wife wasn't even born yet. You don't remember me, do you? Have you ever? That's just brutal. Besties, I know you wouldn't say that, but has that have you ever that's just brutal i know you wouldn't

say that but still let's never say that sentence ever because has that ever worked out for someone because either the person's forced to lie to you which you don't want or they just feel bad and you're like you back to the shame thing you're like shaming yeah that's that no of course i remember you statement yeah you were that asshole that I tried to forget. Yeah. I think the general rule of thumb is just always say nice to see you again. Yeah.

I disagree with that. I just think be honest and say nice to meet you and if they say we've already met then that's fine too and you go, oh, I'm so sorry.

Just let's all be honest and let's all let people off the hook for not remembering us no matter who you are. Everyone. If you can't forgive other people for forgetting you then you deserve everyone to expect you to remember

everyone and that's not fair you want people to forgive you you can't be bitchy when someone doesn't remember you no matter how many times they met because they might have a brain disease or something like it's not their fault they don't remember you i 100 agree with what you're saying in an ideal world but for someone like me it's like if i i have to say it's good to see you again because the risk of them being an asshole and then holding it against yeah it's just too great nice to see you it's just the way to get away in hollywood nice to see you it sounds like it you could have met before but it also could sound like it's the first time you met it covers both yeah i'm using it I'm abusing it. We'll be back after this.

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Go to realdealonfentanyl.com. This message is brought to you by the ad council uh all right guys it's nice to see you um we're back so you went to three parties okay first night was supposed to go to three went to one because just got out late and then it was a nice hang um second day brunch what was the first one the first one hollywood reporter on friday hollywood reporter they had the nice pool it was the first one? The first one, Hollywood Reporter on Friday. Hollywood Reporter. They had the nice pool. It was the rented house. Chris Hardwick hung out with us all night long because he also didn't.

We both didn't really have anyone with us. So we hung out with Chris Hardwick for like two hours, which is so awesome. At midnight was across the lot from Not Safe. Yes, it was. And I used to do that show constantly. Chris Hardwick is a big part of my like uh i think emergence as a quippy comedic force sure so quick he's so quick and he's such a generous laugher and so like there's just people along your career that like have laughed hard at you on tv or told the audience at home that you

got a standing ovation like these kevin hart saying that gave me a huge boost that night yes even though what he was just saying what happened it helped in a way that people don't understand you were blessed by the king yeah yes him just saying that was a huge deal for my career and uh is it was a pivotal moment like my set was a pivotal moment but him saying that was even oh i would say more crucial to that moment yep um and then chris hardwick always just like laughing at my jokes so well on At Midnight or making a big deal of them or like, you know, that kind of stuff. We were, Sean and I were just talking about like good laughers do so much for your career.

Yeah. Like in the right place. So yeah, Chris Hardwick, we hung out with him all night. And who else did I meet there? Yeah. George Lopez's daughter um was really nice um mayan lopez and then cool name yeah mayan mayan lopez like m-a-y-a-n yeah yeah yeah i love that comic yeah she wants to do stand-up but to her dad george lopez

they have a show called lopez versus lopez yes, okay. She's a big fan. Okay. And then it was really, really nice. Oh, I remember Lopez vs. Lopez. I saw Lilly Singh, and I strapped your name. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she loves you so much. Oh, that's nice to hear. Yeah, she looked amazing. Up late, yeah.

I mean, come on, yeah. She's a style icon. Yeah, she has her own definite, she has a look that she has kind of nailed. Yeah, she's one of the prettiest people. Like, she's so, so pretty. Anyway, nice to talk to her. And then, yeah, and then we had a brunch on Saturday.

So this is an officially sanctioned brunch? Yeah, the BAFTAs. Oh, the BAFTAs. British Arts and Film Television Academy. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what, they're, like, just drafting off of the Emmys? Or is this the same weekend they're

doing the baptists i don't really know what the it was just another place to do so where is the red carpet at interviews and um the brunch was at the mayborn um in beverly hills hotel yeah okay yeah it was like in this garden area during the day um i saw the actor and actress from uh colin from accounts which is a really good show do you like that i started watching it on a plane and i'm like this is good yeah they're married which i like so cute love it love to see a couple be they're kind of couple-y dynamic yeah in the show sidebar the show that won for best uh show or whatever at the ms uh Old Horses or Slow Horses? Has anyone watched that?

Because I haven't heard of it. I have. I love Slow Horses. Okay, so this is something I should watch. It won. It won best writing for a drama.

It is a straight up comedy. It has so many more jokes than The Bear. Really? Oh, yeah. No, it's written by a Veep guy. Yeah, the Veep guy. His name is Will Smith.

No, more. Oh, Will Smith, the Veep guy his name is will smith no more oh will smith the veep guy okay and then will smith had a great joke he said the greatest yeah because we were all thinking it yes yeah oh it's so great what was the joke if you don't know he just referenced like yeah he's like we loved that he referenced that we all were a little bit nervous as will smith was approaching the stage yeah and then he got up there and it wasn't i'm not gonna slap anybody if you never watched it uh picture j like james bond it's the mi6 and this is like the rejects of the mi6 and they all have like just desk jobs and gary oldman is just mi6 what it's like uh the cia of uh england okay and like they're all just terrible spies okay and then that's what Slow Horses is about?

Yeah. I thought it was a country like cowboy thing. Slow Horses is not a good name. Not a good name. I would watch the show you're describing. I would watch the show you're describing and I did not have any interest in Slow Horses. It's not a good name. I said

the same thing. It's like it does not grip me. Slough. Horses. It's Slow a good name. I said the same thing. It's like, it does not grip me. Slough. Horses. Yeah, it's slow horses. It's even worse. It's set in Slough. That's where their office is. I still don't even know what you're saying.

So they're like. Okay. That confuses and upsets me, but I'm going to watch it. They're no longer like in the field. Oh, I'm definitely going to love that. It's so fun. I thought I had to watch horses. Yeah. On horses. I thought it was like Yellowstone ripoff or something. No, Gary Oldman going to love this. It's so fun. I thought I had to watch horses. Yeah. On horses.

I thought it was like Yellowstone ripoff or something. No, Gary Oldman's disgusting in it. He doesn't wear makeup. He has like long, greasy hair. And he just like farts and burps. Oh, amazing. I'm like, yeah, I really, I honestly think that I was not going to watch it because I honestly don't like watching animals on shows because they can't consent to it.

And they're just just it's like babies too where I'm just like that baby just wants its mom and it's like looking around for its mom and like you can't explain to a baby like no you're making your mom money right now that she's gonna steal from you for nine months for $500

this is how I met your mother scene yeah that is and that's how i feel about like animals i'm always just like they don't want to be there they don't understand this yeah i can't watch that chimp crazy thing i just don't want to see no give me a break they're trying to be cute and comfortable chimp crazy i watched the first two episodes and i felt so bad watching yeah no get this my mom hired the woman from Chimp Crazy to come to my sister's birthday

when she was seven. My sister just placed it. You had the chimp? Yes, dude. There is a chimp in our house for Lauren's birthday. Oh my God. For my sister's birthday

because this was before we understood animal cruelty. No one knew in the 90s. This was 1990s. Four. Yeah. At that time 90s. This was 1990s. Four. Yeah. At that time, we still had shows on TV with chimps with peanut butter in their mouth acting like they're talking.

Yes. Yes. I mean, this was very commonplace. No, but everybody held this chimp. He got an H-lap. That could have ripped off anyone's face from their skull. Well, it was a baby. It was a little one.

Oh, okay. A little chimp baby. Oh, but they grow up. So the mother was somewhere crying and ripping someone's face. Yeah, probably the mother was somewhere. They remember.

And they grow up. Now I feel bad. Things get wild. Oh, yeah. Because they the second episode focuses on remember the lady

who got her face ripped off? Oh, I've read everything there is. That documentary can tell me anything that I haven't seen. They have like interviews with all

of her friends. The chimp owner, because it was her friend who got her face ripped off. Dude. Dude. It's gnarly. I think I've seen pictures from it. I remember all that. But they show the chimp when he was a baby, and he was so fun and going to parties for

people. Yeah. And then- Oh my God, it could have been that chimp. It could have been. And then when her- No, it wasn't. I know it wasn't okay because i remember that when the the owner's husband died the chimp became so depressed he started overeating and he gained like 200 pounds and they have all these pictures of him just like looking like my 700 pound wife

and then he ripped somebody's face off oh i mean jesus christ no one should be surprised but yeah that chimp was lauren i go lauren how did you she's like i'm watching chimp crazy this woman came to my seventh grade birthday i'm like how did you remember that she was like i just remember she remembered that day so well and the woman she remembered the woman i i gotta watch it because i remember you booked her i booked Come on, pivotal moment of your life. For the chimp. He's not going to remember. I remember.

I love that party. I was like, this is the coolest party. That birthday party you gave? Yeah. I mean, there was a chimp there. For seventh grade? The scariest part was one of the neighbor girls, we thought she might have measles. And she was like-

You were scared to give the monkey measles? Yes. Oh. thought she might have measles and she was like you were scared to give the monkey measles yes oh i was afraid that maybe rose was gonna give the baby so i'm like you can't hold the chip i remember there was a lot of anxiety around yeah something that day they're like you can't not the fact that there's a chip that might rip off against its will being placed into children's laps listen what did i know could have a diaper on? Yeah, for sure it did. So cute. So inappropriate.

Oh my God. Just a reminder to everyone, animals do not want to be pet. They don't go to petting zoos. Don't go to birthday. Don't involve your kids in anything where there's a pet being paraded around. It doesn't want to be there.

It's not its job. Pets are not. I mean, even pets, it's like they're kind of our slaves. And people have a problem with that. And I can't go that far. What do you feel about people who dress their pets up? It drives me crazy. You know, if it looks uncomfortable, I hate it.

But if it is a. Because sometimes I put Marion in a little coat. And she is cold because she's used to being in. Not that. I mean, like costumes. Yeah. No. Like it's a bee. A wing costume. It's a little annoying. she is cold Because she's used to being Not that I mean like costumes Yeah No Like it's a bee

It's a little annoying I'm like whatever But if it's like Really hurts the animal And she's trying to get it off And it's like stay I don't care But that's interesting

I follow one dog On Instagram Named Popeye the foodie And he wears These little darling bow ties Aww Is he a French bulldog Or something

No he's just like A little Yorkie And he has like a little bow tie. And then they just go to like upscale restaurants and they, every restaurant feeds him. Okay. It looks like he's having fun. Oh, he's having a ball.

I love Popeye. Like the alternative, like if someone is like, I will only adopt a dog if I can dress it up. The alternative is that it stays in the shelter. Yeah. I guess those are the two. That Brian. The lesser of two.

He's got to bring it down. But I even saw this weekend, there was like some famous hippo that's going around. Like there's a baby hippo. Oh, Mipang or Miding. Everyone's laughing. I didn't look into it because immediately all I saw was like, this little hippo looks constantly stressed and I go wonder why

because it is if an animal looks stressed everyone's laughing about how it looks like a human's emotion of stress I guess and maybe it's not it's emotion but I was like it's probably because it's under stress because it's an internet star right now

Martha Kelly tweeted three pictures of Mudang, I think is his name, just screaming. And she's like, when he's not screaming, he's biting. It's like he doesn't want this. When your dog is smiling, it's thirsty. Your dog isn't happy. Its mouth is open because it needs water. And it's like that.

Any kind of video where there's a little dog. We've talked about this before. It bears mentioning again, like on Instagram, do not like things that are accounts that seem to be like a bunch of baby animals put together. Like those animals are often sedated so that they can get little, you know, the doggy is sleeping with the chicky. Those animals are not being handled by people who give a fuck about them.

They are just trying to monetize these animals. They literally care less about those animals than maybe anyone. Like the idea that they're allowed, they seem like they're presenting

like, look how cute this is. I'm creating this content because I love them. They care less about them than anyone. So please don't spread those around is Don't I'm creating this content Because I love them They They care less about them Than anyone So please don't Spread those around Don't like them

They're really really bad And even I didn't know About that until I saw one thing And even if it's not Just don't risk it Let's not even Encourage people

To get animals To make those videos I would encourage anyone To do anything on the internet Honestly Don't like anything anymore What if we all Just stopped liking things

A general strike on liking things That would be nuts Oh wow that's an interesting thing It's about time we took our lives back I mean come on Don't encourage anything I do want to clarify on the dog If the dog is smiling

It's not necessarily thirsty It might just be hot So don't feel bad If your dog doesn't drink Some water that you give it If it's smiling Oh my dog never does Yeah Oh yeah

It'll turn down water All day long I'm trying to give it And then it gets to the venue Where all my friends are And it's like looking around And they put down a bowl of water And it starts drinking

Like it's never drank before Like I've been starving it all day And it's I'm sure moms deal with that With their kids Of like their kids eating a lot Suddenly in front of other people don't you give her water yeah every single time i and to the point that now i go you guys she's gonna drink a ton and i promise you i just well look at me i just tried to feed her so i show them because it's so embarrassing every time wait

didn't you say that when dogs uh yawn that their anxiety it's like helping them have like less anxiety oh that's good i do that yeah i do do that because it's your sympathetic nervous system it does you're like resetting a little bit yeah yeah like if you smile it's like supposed to make you happier if you yawn it like tells your body like it's maybe time to calm down. But the best way to calm down, I found, when I'm, like, really, like, feeling this is, take a deep breath, hold it for four seconds, and then let it out slowly. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. And that's one that won't make your, like, sometimes you hold it, sometimes you say nine

seconds, and I'm like, that starts to make you feel like I'm going to pass out. Four seconds is just long enough. Yeah, it becomes very long, nine seconds. We're like, can I just die from this? You know. Talk about anxiety. is just long enough. Yeah, it becomes very long nine seconds. Yes. We're like, can I just die from this? You know, talk about anxiety.

So you're at this brunch. Yeah. So is the food like a, was it like a buffet style? No, it wasn't. We were actually really disappointed because we thought

it was going to be like a brunch. Like we're going to make plates and there's going to be, you know, and a thing, a tray that you lift up like that with eggs in it.

Yes, yes, yes. Chris likes his food. It was just finger foods and it was like british crumpet things uh no it was all standing it was all standing in like a courtyard in like a grassy area so uh we saw some comedians we didn't stay there long i met a guy who's um who met taylor swift and so we talked about him meeting taylor and that was fun. And then another guy came up to us and he wanted to meet Chris because he saw me and he recognized me from the roast. And he said,

I wanted to see the guy that you're with because that guy is special. Wow. I thought that was really cool. That's interesting. He was like, I wanted to meet her, obviously, but I really wanted to meet,

I saw you put your hand on her back and I was like, oh, that's her boyfriend? Like, what's that guy like? He must be secure. Wait, who said this This guy that Invented the technology

That James Cameron bought To He ended up buying the company For For Avatar Yeah Weta Yeah That's crazy

Really Yeah He invented it Wow And so he was there He was like Used to be on the board of BAFTAs Or something

But he was just He was a really nice guy He taught me the origin Of why we call American football Football Do you know He used to be on the board of BAFTAs or something, but he was just a really nice guy. Taught me the origin of why we call American football football. Do you know? No. Wait, what? Why do we call football football?

Yeah, why do we call it football? I don't know. It's really interesting, actually. I mean, not really, but rugby football is a kind of rugby, I guess, or maybe that's just what they call rugby over there. And obviously football is like, rugby you can't toss forward. You can only, or like, no, you can't go back. You can only go laterals. Okay, something like that.

But they invented football, our football, and they were like, but we can go forward. So it's like rugby, but it's different. And we want to call it rugby because it's essentially like rugby, but we can't do that. So we'll take the other word that is in their name, rugby football. And they just took football. Wow. Because it was based off of rugby football, but they couldn't take it. And then meanwhile, in Europe, they already have football.

Yes. To just confuse matters more. Yes. That also has to do with why first downs and touchdowns are called those things because of rugby. I have to tell you. I have to give an update. I know what my dilemma. I had the reason I didn't understand.

Okay, so let me just take you back. I didn't understand. We have four chances to get a first down. Okay? There's a first down, second down, third down, fourth down. Those are the chances. And then you're trying to get a first down. I didn't understand why the thing you're trying to get is the is the first step like why is the first step down but i what i

didn't understand is you're and i and some besties helped me and i got there and i there was just a moment where i go oh my god my like logic is flawed what i needed to be told is that you're trying to get to the next first down that That's all I needed to be told. And that's why we call it first down because I knew it starts over. I know that. But I didn't understand that like, you're talking about the first step again. There's only one set of things

and it's first down, second down, third down, fourth down. And when they say they're trying to get first down, it's not the group. It's not a separate thing than downs. You're just trying to start over again. Sure, sure. So it's like a bunch of ladders stacked on each other and you're just trying to start over again sure sure so it's like a bunch of ladders stacked on each other and you're always trying to get to the first rung of the next ladder okay that's why you call it first rung i mean that it's too it's it's too confusing

i i i'm glad you got there yeah but it was there all along. Like, I understood all along. I wasn't, I knew, I didn't need to know that. You knew literally what it was, but conceptually there was some sort of mishap going on. Like, how do you get there? Yeah. No, no, no. Again, not how do you get there. It was just why is the thing you're trying to get named the same thing as the chance? But I didn't realize we're talking about the next first chance.

That's what you're trying to get. If that helps anyone. But then here's a crazy thing I did not know. And I'm so embarrassed to admit that I did not know this until, was it with you, Sean? Yeah, I think it was on Thursday. Oh, that was on Thursday that it happened. Yeah. Brian,

you witnessed this. Oh, but I wasn't paying attention. I remember this conversation happening. This was brutal. This was so brutal. Because it reminded me so much. And this, again, goes back to I can't help what I don't know. I can't help what I don't forget. It's not my fault that I didn't know this. But I really felt so much shame because I'm like, what a fucking moron.

I just learned that when there's only all offense or all defense on the field i thought there was a combination of offense and defense much like football or much like basketball much like hockey that like everyone's on the court at the same the field at the same time so someone went to there was an interception and then the guy they caught the other team caught it and then he ran it and i go is, is that so-and-so? And I guessed a running back or something. And everyone goes, what? Andrew Collin was like, no, it's not the running back.

And I was like, why is that so crazy that I thought it was the running back? And he's like, because he's offense. And I'm like, okay, but he could have been in that area. And he was like, what? And it was just like this moment of like, wait, why? And then someone goes, they're not on the field. And I'm like, what?

But why wouldn't I think they'd be on the field? Unless someone told me this is different than every other kind of sport you've ever heard of. When you were saying that at the time, it did seem like, oh, that doesn't make any sense. But now that you say it like, yeah,

on soccer, yeah. Offense, defense on the field, the same time. I mean, basketball, baseball,

basketball, they're dual threat. Yeah. Yeah yeah so that makes sense that that's why and someone goes so you think that tom brady's out there like when they're on defense i'm like yeah he's like in the back unless there's like an interception then they throw to him and then he's like no that doesn't make any sense and it made me kind of of sad that like a team, like offense and defense, they're on the same team. They never get to play together. Well, then there's also special teams. I knew about that. Yeah. But they never get to all play together.

No, never. That's kind of sad to me. I was a little bit bummed. And then when one goes to the sideline, they could have a conversation. The other side goes on the field and they can't. Oh, my God. They never really even get to know each other no probably not well patrick mahomes said he harrison butker he's never even talked to in his life he's like remember the whole harrison

butker thing yeah and i think patrick was like i've talked to him maybe once like yeah i think that was the statement yeah so yeah that was a big eye-opening thing and it reminded me i think i like almost started crying when it happened because i was so embarrassed that like i'm you know watching this game with a bunch of people who know it and i'm i'm feeling like i'm like you know when you start to feel like i got this and then you like are like i so don't have it at all like dunning kruger is that what it's called the dunning kruger effect yes you know just enough to know to figure out that you know nothing oh my god that's how i felt so really the donnie kruger effect is when you don't realize yet really if you want to get technical but but i do have a book coming today that a bestie recommended me after the

whole thing about the downs last time that i was so confused and it's called i'm so excited because i'm gonna read it so fast i I hope Let me just look up my orders It's arriving today It is called Talk Sports Like a Pro 99 Secrets in Becoming a Sports Goddess And it's kind of geared towards women Wait, that sounds like my

99 How to Talk to Anyone 99 Big Secrets for Little Success Let me see the cover of the book It's kind of cool It's like the Venus de Milo Who's the author? Statue It's Jean m mccormick yeah forward by espn sportscaster chris wow she's really expanding i think that's the same person same person yeah who taught me to think about

compliments remember what this might be let's find out i'm so excited thank you to the best you sent me that i ordered it immediately and uh it's like not that well known of a book so it kind of took a while. I've never heard of it and I want to be a sports goddess. You are Sean. I want to serve cut on the field. We'll be right back after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating

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remember one time in french class i I had a really, really mean French teacher, Kirkwood High School. Shout out. If you went to Kirkwood High School in the early 2000s, there was a teacher. I'm sure you're still around. One of the most scary people I've ever, I will ever know. She was like, had the energy, Nazi guard energy. Wow.

Like, I'm not kidding you. And I say that with not even making a joke. Cruel. To call people out. I just went into that class every day terrified that she was going to make me feel stupid and get mad at me for not

knowing French. There's a story I want to tell off air. Let's actually bleep her name if you can because i don't want to get in trouble she still scares me to this day she's a fucking french teacher if you got an answer wrong she'd hold up a picture of a dying bird i mean she honestly i remember shout out kate cordy you got busted for making fake flash cards because you would have to show her the flashcards that you made to practice vocab.

And Kate did just a couple on the top and then fake ones for the rest. And she went through them and saw they were blank. And it was like one of the most awful things to watch Kate get talked down to. And Kate was like me, like a good girl and just maybe did the wrong thing once and like got so busted.

Wow, it's like she found out she was a Jew. It was, honestly, she got, it was,. It's like she found out she was a Jew. It was honestly she got it was it was and we all looked away because it wasn't us yet. You know? Yeah.

Eventually she would come for us and then who would come who would help us? How much older like She was probably in her mid-thirties. Mid-thirties.

Maybe early thirties. Why care that much about teenagers learning French? I think she must have been miserable. There's no way she was a happy person. Maybe she doesn't care. She's just like a miserable bitch. And I wanted to win over her love so much. But one day, and I was trying to do well in French 3. It was sophomore year, I think. And I had

gotten through French 1 with a different teacher. Or maybe, I forget. Anyway, I went in for tutoring for French 3 during our contact period, which was a free period where most people socialized. But I was trying to get better at French. So I went in for tutoring for French 3 during our contact period, which was a free period where most people socialized. But I was like trying to get better at French. So I went in to like sit alone with this woman. I'm terrified. I'm at her desk. And she discovered that I did not know what le and la was.

Like I didn't know that le and la came before a noun because I just had bad French teachers before that. Or that it just didn't get through. And it doesn't make sense. Unless you specifically told it doesn't make sense unless you specifically told it doesn't make sense that's like kind of like basic so like you kind of skipped ahead i was learning like how to say typewriter and like let's go on a foot race right and so i didn't realize like things were feminine and masculine i just maybe missed that day of school like it's one day where you get told hey there's nouns and unlike english each noun has a law in front of it or a lay or to indicate how many or

what gender the and the spelling is different depending on if you're doing spelling yes so she discovered i didn't know law and i remember she was so disgusted with me and just like why are how first i thought i was to get kicked out of her class because it was like, honestly, it's something I should have known at that level and she was just horrified

and disgusted by me and I'll never forget one of the greatest things that ever happened to me was one time on a test, she wrote pa mal.

Do you know what pa mal means? Not bad. Not bad. And it was the greatest achievement of my life that she, I remember thinking that was like an a plus but like it's that's why i remember it because it was so amazing that she yeah like gave me not bad that's how awful she was and then she was um she left or i graduated to the next

level somehow and i got madame calvis who my sister has worked with because my sister's a spanish teacher at her when i schooled madame kalfas is the greatest teacher i've ever had in my entire life that anyone could ever have in their entire life loved her so much she made she just what she was she had the best energy like like matilda teacher energy yeah just like maternal so sweet never shamed me about how bad I was at French. Always believed in me to the point that I took AP French and I should not have been in AP French, but I just wanted to be around her. I was like kind of gay for her.

Like I literally was like in love with her. I loved her and I still do. And it's so funny. I was at the Emmys last week, the creative arts Emmys. And a girl came up to me who was featured in a movie called Girl State that won an Emmy. It's like a documentary about women in politics or something. But this young girl was in it. And she came up to me and she goes, I know Senora Green.

Wow. I was in Senora Green's class. And she was my sister's student. Wow. And so cute. And she was so excited. And she was like, and I know Madame Kalfas. Like, this girl, I guess, took two languages.

And she was like, I had Madame Kalfas. And I go, oh. And she goes Madame Calphys we both like Madame Calphys like we were both still gay for her like that's how amazing

this teacher was so it's not just a French teacher thing like some it was remarkable that I had both the worst and best teachers in the same subject

final thought did you guys have any really bad or good teachers it's amazing how some teachers really stick out as memorable. And you wonder, well, they have so many students.

It's like meeting Tom Hanks. It's like, do they actually remember? Yeah, I never think they remember me. And I got confirmation that one of my favorite teachers, David Dubin is his name. He was my English teacher. He remembered me because my, for whatever reason, my cousin cousin went was in the same house as him like two weeks ago something was happening i don't know exactly what was happening but there was some reason and he asked about me and he was like i love brian he was a great student blah blah blah

and uh yeah it was like that's so validating i mean because he was one of my favorites it was him yeah he was probably my favorite teacher yeah yeah yeah my favorite teacher english and drama miss felosa i was obsessed with miss felosa i was in love with miss felosa we went to her wedding and i i cried like there it is like the only girl i'll ever love oh my god and it makes so much sense like you're good at english and theater. So I bet she was actually like, she was the best. She was like complimentary to you.

She was like telling me music I would like. And I'm like, I had a teacher give me music too. And it was a little bit like, don't do, don't be giving me CDs. But he didn't mean anything by it. But looking back,

I'm like, I, if I wouldn't want my daughter. Who was that? I'm not even going to say his name. There was nothing creepy about it. Noah's in high school. Oh.

Yeah. No. And when she gave me the CD, I'm like, please do anything you want to me. Guys always fall for their female teachers. Oh yeah. That's why Lauren. Yeah. When she was a teacher, I was like, you know, every boy likes it.

And she would just be like, that's disgusting. I don't even want to hear it. Like it doesn't even, it's not even something we could joke about because it was so disgusting to her. And it's so real. It's so real. She's way too pretty. Yeah, you have become like an inside joke

for every boy who has to go. Yes, yes. I just wanted to shout out one of the funniest lines of last night that I wrote in my phone because I wanted to bring it up. Last night at the HBO party, which is one that we didn't get to today, but just briefly,

that was the one we got to. We were John Oliver was there, but my mom and I ended up investigating. We found this karaoke room. I filmed my mom dancing in this little area. J.B. Smoove. With J.B. Smoove from Curb Your Enthusiasm. And he was dancing there,

so they were both like the only ones dancing in this room. It was really cute. Oh my gosh. I love him. Yeah, and then what did you say? What led to your line?

Because I want to set this up the right way. I think your mom was talking about how it was like, I think his wife was there but he was like, he was making me feel

like the only woman in the room. Yeah, and then Sean goes, if I could think of anyone in an open relationship, it would be J.B. Smoove. I think a lot of people understand.

It's just the perfect line because it's so true of anyone at that party that would be cool with like a swing. Yeah, she didn't care. Yeah, if someone is with J.B. That's so funny.

So we got to go. Thank you so much for being here. Sean, again, it's been a pleasure. Mom, thank you. Thank you, Nikki. Safe travels back.

Any final thoughts about the weekend? Oh, God. There's so much that I just can't even explain. It's so fun. What's the most fun?

Well, the whole thing. The fact that I got to come out here was that... You're being vague. People want specifics. You gifted me this weekend.

Oh, no. I'm sending a Venmo invoice. Damn it. We didn't talk about that? No. But I'll pay it. I just want you to know the number. I like to know those numbers. How much was that? It was so fun.

You're so fun and you're always so down and it's so nice to have a mom who's so with it And is someone That you can bring To these things And shows up looking As cute as you did

And like fits Blends in perfectly To the whole Hollywood scene You're so sweet So it's so fun Thank you So we'll do many more Because

Alright Yeah I'm nominated For an Emmy next year It's crazy Yeah Two already Two Emmys Two Emmys

I know I don't like to talk About the other one But I'm glad you brought it up I don't want to brag too much other one but I'm glad you brought it up I don't want to brag too much but yeah two Emmy nominations already

done next year 2025 it's insane so thank you guys so much for voting and yeah we'll see you then but more podcasts next week and yeah don't be

cut bye the Nikki Glaser podcast is a production by Will Farrell's Big Money Players and I Heart Podcast created and hosted by me Nikki Glaser podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and I Heart Podcast created and hosted by me Nikki Glaser co-hosted by Brian Frangie executive produced by Will Ferrell Han Sani and Noah Avior edited and engineered by Lean and Loaf video production Mark Canton

and music by Anya Marina you can now watch full episodes of the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube follow at Nikki Glaser pod and subscribe to our channel. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all,

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