The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #478 Dangers Around Us, Dining Out Rules & Do Fights Make Music Better?

Episode Date: October 4, 2024

Nikki asks the parents in the room to weigh in on keeping kids safe from danger. She, Sean, Brian, Andrew and Noa are all about how the less taboo certain topics are, the easier it is to talk about them. Chappell Roan is a total boundary-setting queen—maybe there’s hope for the younger generation! Nikki finds out that besides comedy, Brian, Sean, and Andrew have a history of dog walking in common—it’s basically the guy version of babysitting. She’s super proud of her friend Emil Wakim for becoming a cast member of SNL! They chat about friends who get ahead and keep in touch versus those who don’t. Nikki loves a good vengeance story, but she’s definitely not here for bullies who spread lies about what it takes to get stage time. Can people in committed relationships really enjoy music? Maybe a fight with a friend could help, or Brian’s method: just think about people you can’t stand. In the Final Thought, Nikki vents about her dad’s chopstick skills, alcohol culture, eating habits, and all the things that could kill us. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome. Second day in Los Angeles on the pod. Same group as yesterday's show. Noah is in studio. What's up, Noah? Does Brian have anything structural to say about me today?

Yeah, any other thoughts about Noah? You're looking a little bit more robust than yesterday. She is nursing. Yeah, your baby is coming. Yes. To pick you up Yes There's a baby driving cars now

In Los Angeles Baymo? Yeah, Baymo I didn't know Waymo was the name of the self-driving cars Yeah Until I saw one yesterday I want to get one so bad I want to be in an

Can you request that? Yeah, you can request that Yeah, you could do it Is it a Waymo app? Or is Waymo part of Uber? No, it's an app, I think. I see teens getting in them. Then you just get in and there's no driver.

I'm so into it. You're not scared of it? No, I feel better than... I don't have to talk to anyone. Yeah, I think you're more likely to be murdered by an Uber driver. Yeah, Waymo can't. Have you got anyone here been in one? No, I watched you're more likely to be murdered by an Uber driver. Yeah, Waymo can't physically assault you. Have you, anyone here been in one?

No, I watched a YouTube video of someone being in one. Oh, well, tell us all about it. That's so cool. Okay, so we're going to meet your baby. What's she like? You guys are visiting here because Avi's family lives here? Yeah. Okay.

Jewish holiday stuff. How was flying with her? Easy. She's such a good baby. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, she's just fun and loving and she's kind of silly. God, you lucked out. So lucky. Yeah. And she sleeps.

Yeah. Do you feel like it's you or you feel like you just got lucky? Because when some parents have a cranky baby, do you kind of go like, well, they're doing it wrong and I'm doing it right? Or are you kind of like... It's funny that you ask that because Kirsten and I were just talking about it. And I think it's because we're older moms and we're like way more intuitive with like emotions and are, you know, like we're introspective and we just like know how we affect a child. So I think it's like being older and just kind of like.

Yeah. You've read The Body Keeps the Score. Oh, God. Like you've read books Like you've been around You've seen Getting to I do There's so many

Yeah there's so many But I mean you're right Like think of how much Knowledge about Emotional knowledge You've About how Your

You were raised And how it made you Who you are That you've accrued In the past 15 years Oh That is That is so valuable That if you just had a kid early on,

you wouldn't have known any of it. Oh, my God. In my 20s, I was, like, so dumb. My mom stood by the fact that as a kid, she didn't want me. We lived on a river, and she didn't want us to go down to the river and drown. And so she just told me, if you go down there, you'll never see Mommy and Daddy ever again. And how she, even last night, we were in the car,

and she was like, I stand by that. I didn't want you you to drown and that's the only way to make you so scared and then famously my dad would come home from work and be like let's go down to the river and i'd scream and cry shriek blood i still hate the river because of it and um but she's and i i don't really know if she's right or wrong like i think I would probably use the same tactics to make sure my kid didn't wander into traffic of, like, you'll be run over and killed and you'll never see me again. Yeah, it's hard. What do you do, Sean? Yeah, what I'm really bad at,

because Erin is not as anxious as I am, Erin's my wife, I'm so anxious about everything that I always kind of get too real with him. Where I'm like, when he's like, let me just run around outside. I'm like, there everything that I always kind of get too real with him. Where I'm like, when he's like, let me just run around outside. I'm like,

there are pedophiles in this neighborhood. You always have to be with me. Yeah. The only not pedophile in this neighborhood. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,

I think it does work, but to what detriment? Yeah. Like I honestly, a seven year old shouldn't be walking around thinking that there's pedophiles that live next door. But also they should. Also, you shouldn't have moved in next to so many pedophiles. It's so cheap to live in a pedophile cove.

The fact that they have their own cove is... Yeah, it makes it sound luxurious and like a vacation spot. And it is. There's a lot of amenities. Yeah. A child of these. There's a lot of amenities. Yeah. A child of these. There's no playgrounds, though. A boy of these.

Playgrounds just covered in barbed wire. But I do think that it works. And my sister, I mean, her kids were running amok the other day in the park. And she said, I kind of like want, because Forrest is two and he's just running. He just wants to go in the park and she said i kind of like want because forest is two and he's just running he just wants to go in the lake he wants and they're stopping him and he the only thing stopping him from going in the lake is his parents and my sister was like i kind of want him to fall in the lake just so he gets he gets scared and like learns the repercussions because i'm just blocking all these horrible things happening to him all the time how is he going to learn like as a parent i think i is there part of you that wants your kid to burn their hand on the stove

just a little bit yeah like just to get a little injured because it does it does alert you of the danger of what you're doing yes it builds character

so like cuddle cuddle with a pedophile but don't have sex yeah just a little burned yeah give him two tugs oh my god

Jesus Christ if you get some candy out of it. It's not all bad. There was a kid in my growing up that, this is why it's like so like fresh in my brain always, is one of my friends in third grade got molested. And he came into school and told everyone that he got molested. Wow.

And like it was wild because the teacher had to stop him but i didn't piece it together what the story was until like i was in my 20s because he talked about like a guy luring him into his house and then making him watch him pee and i didn't realize it wasn't pee yeah we don't know i mean that's what you would think it was yeah because that's all you know all you know yeah no i have a friend that like he's doing fine now he sells like red bull most people had something funky happen to them like that like not most people but like a big percentage of kids have seen something weird like had something not so right happen like i have a friend who like is like yeah there was like a

neighbor and i think i went over and i definitely like, seeing a man's penis and being like, oh. But she kind of is just, like, recalling it like a loose memory that she can't really, like, make sense of. And it kind of is. I like when there's a casualness about it like that. That it's because there needs to be that. I think people need to talk about it casually. If we stop taking it so seriously, then people will stop getting so fucked up about it.

I think you're being sarcastic, but I don't think you're wrong, though. I do think that part, and I've said this before, the reason that everyone is so awkward about it, like, if you said you were molested at a dinner party, it would make everyone be like, that was really uncomfortable why it's it it's it's weird but

like someone can talk about like oh yeah i was in a car accident when i was four and no one goes that made it really weird but it is the same well fuck those people if you're if you're revealing that you were molested at a dinner i guess no but i mean like it it is weird because it's not it's not it's not the tone with which we lead our lives in America. Like, we don't talk about, but we should. We should be able to bring it up just as like that. So you want it to be like, yeah, I was molested when I was a kid. And the people just go, oh, how was that for you?

No, it's just like, oh, that sucks. Fuck, what happened? How did you deal with it? Like, we should all be talking about it. Because when you can't, there seems to be, if you can't talk about something publicly it's shameful yeah there's a barrier that's put up so like yeah like it means shame because it is awkward to bring it up at dinner but it's

also just because society has told you that it's awkward to be like I don't know why is it not awkward to be like my dad spanked us and that's a little awkward but not very it's the same thing even if there was no shame involved in the reaction I do feel like it's a little inappropriate to just blurt out your trauma.

No, not blurt it out, but within the context of a conversation, be like, actually, I was molested. Oh, okay, so we're molesting adjacent and then someone just chimes in. Yeah, or like abuse adjacent or like trauma as a child adjacent conversation. Or saying, you know, you're Rose and Thorn of the Year

going around thanksgiving um uh yeah i think it should just be more colloquial my rose is i went to boston my thorn is i was molested yeah yeah i like i love when people are so just frank about it because it just it same with like frank did it with usually a guy named frank did you You're right. But you like, I remember the first time people were like, kind of really just casual about talking about the herpes. Like I remember some comedians, Joe List comes to mind, Andy Haynes.

There's so many. No, Andy Haynes was molested. Sorry. Andy Haynes does not have. He would talk about it on stage. But Andy Haynes was the first person I'd ever heard talk about being molested. And it wasn't like we had to pry it out of him or it wasn't this like a podcast centered on it. He just like mentioned it on our podcast in 2010.

And I was like, that's the coolest shit I've ever witnessed. It was. It was just part of it. He was like, I like to ski and I got molested. Yes! I will never forget. It really made an impact on me how cool it was that he was able to like talk about it. Not casually, but kind of.

And then I remember Joe List saying he had herpes. Like herpes was the molestation of STDs. Growing up, herpes was very shameful. It still has that to it. And it's so it really makes a difference when comedians talk about it and joke about it casually. For everyone who might have it happen to them. Because herpes is the same way as being molested. No one wants it.

No one chooses to get it. It was all just one awkward night. Yes. Yes. But it's just, I think that's really, there was always a part of me that like, if I got herpes, I promise I'll talk about it as soon as I get it.

So everyone will know when I get it. I mean, I don't plan on getting it. Chris doesn't have it and I don't have it yet. Well, there is that parenting style of if your child is running and then they fall and they scrape their knee or something. Some parents are like, oh, my God, are you OK? Yes. But it's better to just go like, all right, you fell. Not a big deal.

That's interesting, too, because there's these Instagrams. Did you see the one of like they fake bonk the kid's head? They like they bang on the wall and then they go oh no to the baby and the baby goes doesn't feel anything because its head wasn't hit just the hand hit the parent's hand and then the baby just kind of looks to the wall and goes ah and starts crying immediately and so it shows you the reaction of the parent causes the kid react but then i think about uh how i was treated as a kid when i would cry about things like socks being itchy or something. I didn't like autistic-y things that would cause me a lot of anxiety.

And then my parents would have that, like, that's not a big deal kind of thing. And it is really damaging. That's dismissive. Yes. So what do you do? What's the way to do it? Like, it's not a big deal that you fell. Like, you fell. Like, you get excited about it. Like, it's not a big deal that you fell. Like, you fell.

Like, you get excited about it. Like, oh, you fell. Oh, that's sad. Maybe you just, like, ask, like, oh, how do you feel right now? And then they say, oh, my knee hurts. Okay, you know, that pain will go away. Just acknowledging it, not dismissing it. Yes.

But also, like, letting them know that it's going to be okay. Yeah, that's good. Preach. Preach. No, if my kid falls,'m gonna fall too and then i'll say every time you fall i fall no it's and if i keep falling you'll never see daddy again it is like you're just trying not to give them complexes about all these things it's impossible they're gonna get they're gonna get complexes from something yeah but like you like in terms of pain and actually talking about feelings,

it's so helpful to talk about it. Because my son will have temper tantrums. And we got to a point now where he will be like, don't talk to me. I'm in a tantrum. And we're like, oh, perfect. This is great. They're going to be so much better.

It's so healthy. So healthy. I mean, Chapel Roan is an example of, you know, someone who, like, is that next generation who's really tapped into, like, how she's feeling in boundaries. Yes. That we don't understand or recognize,

and we're, like, almost insulted by it. Yeah, you didn't know you could do that. Like, Britney Spears didn't know she could set boundaries and now she's like knife dancing on Instagram. So true. But I would even say that she probably couldn't

have set boundaries with the people that were around her. Those were abusive monsters. Yeah, her abusive father, her milf mother. What are her boundaries well she's just like fans need to chill the fuck out and i don't owe you anything i don't owe you a picture i don't care if i've changed your life you don't need to stop me at walmart and like tell

me like yeah like wherever like i don't want i don't want to touch you like don't assault me don't touch me yeah they were like showing up at her parents house her fans like and like asking to take pictures with them. And she's like, this is private. Yeah. Here's my new thing about a boundary. If I have my dog with me, who is one of the cutest dogs that's ever lived, it really is true.

I don't care that you're a dog person and that you need to stop and pet her. I don't, that doesn't interest me. It's, everyone's a dog person. They're the cutest animal That's ever lived That's why we domesticated them Over thousands of years So that they could hang out

With us more It's I don't care But there's some women Sorry women Oh shit That just go Sorry

Can I pet her I'm a dog person I'm a dog lover Cool Who is it Two dogs down That's like being like Oh I love iPhones

Can I please touch your iPhone for a second? Yes, it's so true. And my dog has never been eager to be pet by a stranger. She's always like this shaking kind of, why continue to pet? And just get away. Don't pet people's dogs. Then you have to have a conversation where they're looking up and you're looking down because you have a little dog too, which makes it even more frustrating because now you're in a

and I'm going somewhere too usually and they are stopping me I'm sorry if you're this person I'm sorry listen I've pet dogs before when they look like they're eager to be pet I've never once gone up to a dog that isn't like dying for me to pet it and said to the owner like can I

pet her ever I've never asked because you shouldn't have to yeah if the dog comes up to you you should pet it and then I ask can I pet her ever? I've never asked because you shouldn't have to. Yeah, if the dog comes up to you, you should pet it. And then I ask, can I pet her? Even if she comes up to me and wants to pet me, I always ask. But don't just approach people because you are so special and you're so different than other people. I love dogs. Everyone does.

If you come up to me and go, I'm a raccoon girl, then I'll be like, that's interesting. That's something new. I'm a raccoon girl because you I'll be like, that's interesting. That's something new. I'm a raccoon girl because you feed me trash. Yes, of course. I'm burdened by it. And I always let people, like little kids, I will because I want to teach little kids empathy about animals. And little kids are a lot of times scared of dogs.

So I'll approach kids and be like, do you want to pet her? But adults, I'm not interested in your fascination with dogs and that you like them. I have a reverse with kids yeah don't let your kids run up to me a stranger kid or run up to like i'm eating dinner and there's a kid at the in the restaurant and then the kid they just let the kid just roam free and then run up to my table and like oh look what johnny's doing and it's like i don't want to babysit your kid right now. I agree with you. We have very strict restaurant rules. We don't do screens at restaurants because we want him to be normal

because restaurants are a part of life. So knowing to eat your meal while you're there and engage in conversation is so important. And not running around to Brian eating. Even though he's so inviting to children not running around to Brian eating. Yes. Even though he's so inviting to children. It is to parents, though. The parents do that. They'll do a play-by-play of what the kid is doing.

Yeah. They'll be like, oh, there's Johnny running again. And it's so performative and loud that it's actually more annoying than what the kid is actually doing. There was one time I was in Vail. This was like a rich person's area. Okay. Yeah, I remember that. So I think rich people feel like their kid can do whatever they want whenever they want.

And they can. Because they can. Probably. So I was at the restaurant and Jack was there, my dog. And this little kid was running. I was like, what if my dog bites the kid? Yeah. Then my dog's in trouble because you let your kid run up to me.

And so Allie had to arm bar this child and push him back without hurting him because it's just crazy. Jack is a very cute dog. Do you have people coming up all the time to pet Jack? Much less so now because he's clearly old.

I gotta get her old. People love... I want to be clear if you're listening and you're like, Nikki's such I gotta get her old. People love, yeah, people would want to pet her. I want to be clear if you're listening and you're like, Nikki's such a bitch about her dog. I don't mind

when people are like, your dog is so cute. Like, love that, but you don't need to touch her. I just, it's like,

it's like a pregnant belly. That's true, but I literally did what you're saying this morning at the coffee shop and I feel the urge to tell you about it.

okay, walk me through it and like, do you think, but I'm sure, you're not an idiot. No, there's no way this person didn't want you. Okay, no. Okay, walk me through it and like, do you think, but I'm sure, you're not an idiot. No, there's no way this person didn't want you

to touch their dog. I never touch anyone's dog unless they make, the owner makes eye contact with me and they see that I'm just like fawning at their dog with my eyes

and I say, is it okay to pet your dog? 100% okay. Permission. So you need consent? No. Nikki's talking about going. They will ask

as they are petting. Yeah, they go, I'm just, but they're not even asking. And you're going, I'm so sorry, So you need consent No Nikki's talking about They will ask As they are petting Yeah But they're not even asking And you're going I'm so sorry But I'm a dog person And therefore I have the right

To do this You're at a coffee shop Nick You're like kind of Talking about the people On the street Or like You're in movement

And they're like Running across traffic Being like I'm a dog person I really need to touch dogs I just wish I had an ugly dog As long as I wish She wasn't so fucking cute. She was driving down the street

and a ghost ride in her car. You need like a greyhound or something like... You need an intimidating dog. That's the problem. Or an ugly dog. An ugly dog would help. Really, really skinny dogs. No one wants that.

I know. Yeah, that's true. Or a cat. Yeah. People don't fuck with cats. Well, people know that a cat will potentially that. I know. Yeah, that's true. Or a cat. Yeah. People don't fuck with cats. Well, people know that a cat will potentially bite or scratch them. Yeah, yeah. Whereas that'll only happen with a dog 5% of the time.

That's a good point. Are they using the dog to talk to you? No. No, no, no. It isn't that. It isn't like I'm recognized and they're trying to get through to me. No, it's just. You were a dog walker in New York. You had to have encountered

them because I was a dog walker in New York. Wow, I was a dog walker in New York also. Wait, what? It's the only way for... It's the only way white men with dreams can get a job in New York.

You know what it is? It's the babysitting for men. Because for me, I babysit children because I'm a woman can get a job in New York. You know what it is? They let you in the apartment. They trust you. It's the babysitting for men. Because for me, I babysat children because I'm a woman and they trusted me. It's an easier job

to get as a woman. But it's the babysitting for guys. Yes. Because it's less, you're not going to fuck the dog. Yeah, there's a 10% chance of that.

Yeah. It's so true. First of all, I walk Great Danes and they do have pretty nice, might as well be a human Yeah Yeah

They got the BBLs I actually had to Take care of a Great Dane Who was going through Her period for the first time And I had to be there for her Did you have to do the talk? Yeah

Yeah I brought her I got her ice cream Going after Yeah It was insane It was so much It was the most like

Well that's why Vagina I ever Like encountered What do you mean? Was from a dog Like it was like Flopping out Yeah

It's coming out She was on the Oh I didn't know It comes out Yeah it's like Like it blooms Like a rose Yeah yeah

Like a blooming onion Yeah yeah Like a cactus flower In the middle of the night I felt like I was on Bachelor Yeah I was like Oh look at me

Well um When Goldie My dog was was getting spayed or neutered or whatever it does for the female dog, I was asking the rescue because they were like, you need to get her spayed right away. And I'm like, but we're not going to have her around dogs that are going to fuck her. Like, do we really need this?

And then everyone was like, yes, because of periods. I'm like, oh, that makes sense. Okay, I don't want to do that shit. Now imagine a Great Dane. That was like 110 pounds. No thanks. It was so intense. All right.

So Great Dane, like, period, like, as much as, like, a Pratt freshman. Yeah. I mean. Pratt freshman? Why Pratt? New York. I'm just, I'm sick of the New York in my head. Oh, Pratt.

I thought you said Brad, like Brad Summer. Oh, yeah. We'll be back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from john and the team of correspondents and contributors the podcast

also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radioRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaking of Pratt, Bratt, I was thinking of Bowen Yang this weekend on SNL doing the Charlie XCX sketch, which he's so funny. I love him so much. Bowen Yang is like the MVP of SNL. I mean, truly, yeah. Right now.

He's now in everything. He's done, his, speaking of Chapel Roan, he did the. Mudang. Mudang, the hippo. He got a lot of bad feedback from. I think people were misunderstanding. I agree. I agree.

When I watched it, I go, oh, this is going to be misunderstood. Like, as we're making fun of Chapel Roan. But it was like, no, it was so... I thought that was a really, really good bit. I did too. And then our buddy who has been on the show before, one of my best friends ever, Emil Joaquim, new cast member of SNL. Crazy.

I have never been this... I've never been this proud of anyone in my life. There's something about it that I'm like, I feel like he's like my brother or something. I even texted him the day of. I was like, I am compelled to get your, will you send me your mom and dad's numbers? Because I need to celebrate with someone

who loves you as much as I do. I'm like, I am so excited. It just felt, it's so crazy that this guy that Andrew and I met who picked us up from the airport in Bloomington, Indiana at Indianapolis Airport to drive to Bloomington was working the door. I think it was like just like an hour drive to. And picked us up in 2018. It must have been 18 or 19 and did a guest set on the show.

Is now a cast member on SNL it's just cool to see someone it was awesome he was in the improv group that I started that's right many years after I started it he's gonna be so famous I've known him for 5 days

you met him when we were in Salt Lake City is that the first time? I did 2 weekends with him he's so sweet but seeing him on screen Yeah, you met him when we were in Salt Lake City. Is that the first time? Yeah, I did two weekends with him. He's so sweet. But seeing him on screen and knowing that Marcelo Hernandez is dating Kaya Gerber now, I'm like... I didn't know that. I'm like, Emile is about to...

It's going to be like Sidney Sweeney. I can't wait to see who Emile ends up dating. He's the next Pete Davidson. It's going to be absurd. You're going to see him on the ends up dating. I call, like, as well, like, he's the next Pete Davidson. It's gonna be absurd. You're gonna see him in, like, on the cover of Us, and he's gonna be like, I date Andy McDowell now. Oh my god. You're so right. It's

he was in three things, I think, including just even the intro, like, seeing, like, Emile Joachim! Like, that was awesome. It's cool with those things, too, because you're gonna look back at the history and you're gonna be like, Emil Joaquim. Like, that was awesome. It's cool with those things, too, because you're going to look back at the history and you're going to be like, this was the first where he just held the gun. And then he's going to get his first, like, thing at Weekend Update. He had some great moments, though.

Even though he was on screen for a couple seconds, like, there was some really funny stuff that he did. Made the most of – that's the key to being a feature on SNL, is just making the most of your one line or your one appearance. And he did. Yeah. It was really good. It was a perfect first showing. And then seeing him in the good nights at the end. And Dana, he said that Dana was like, you get up here.

Dana knew he was a new cast member, Dana Carvey, and pulled him up. And he was laughing and joking in between Dana Carvey and Jelly Roll. Just having the best time. The smile on his face was so like, I just debuted on SNL. He's going down in history. It's like being a president, is being a cast member. It's crazy. It's crazy.

It's like being part of comedy Skull and Bones. It absolutely is. You're part of the same institution as George W. Bush and Thomas Jefferson. I mean, and I've never had a friend make it onto sn i've had a you know amy i remember when she hosted snl that was a huge deal but like being on the cast of snl like for some reason i never really had i wasn't in sketch comedy so did you have friends that made it onto the cast i mean like no i just like knew like writers i guess. I guess like Che, I used to hang out with Che a lot.

You did, okay, yeah. Yeah, and I'm so happy for Che. But like, yeah,

I mean like, not like somebody who is like my ride or die. The only friend that I had that was ever on was Eddie Murphy.

Oh no, that's a good one. Oh, that is? Yeah, I think that is a good one. It's just awesome

and congratulations to Emil and to his whole family. And he definitely was someone that when he told his dad he was going to go into stand-up comedy, his dad cried because his dad's a doctor. His mom, I think, is also a doctor. And so his family was kind of devastated. His sister's a doctor. Yeah. And they're all just like so – they have the cutest family.

I just love them so much. And he – it was – I was like, I didn't want to bother him like the day of, but he was like texting with me. It felt so nice that I was like, oh, you know what? Because I think sometimes when your friends like start to become super famous, no matter how well you're doing, you like worry. Like I've had friends before, like not as soon as i'm starting to get things they kind of pull away or they get like a little bit jealous or mad or whatever because you feel like they think they're gonna lose you is essentially what it is they're not some of it might be like jealousy that you got this thing and i didn't but it really is about like you won't probably talk

to me anymore once you get famous and i think i had a just initially with emil there was a feeling of like i'm losing my friend like he's gonna enter i'm not even in the snl cool girl world that like cool kid club yet and um but then i just just interacting with him this week and sharing about his experience i'm like oh there's no way i'm gonna lose this guy like he's just he's a good guy he's grounded yeah even though he's so young. That's so nice to hear. I actually forgot that I was very good friends with Brooks Whelan when he got SNL. Brooks Whelan, yes! I forgot that he was on SNL. He forgot to.

But when I was text messaging him, he stopped responding because he was like, sorry, I had to go to Dave & Buster's with Bobby Moynihan. And I'm like, it's so weird that you know Bobby Moynihan like Bobby Moynihan's been on TV for like seven years and you're just like the biggest dipshit I know yeah it's like that is I think for more than anything when I when my friends get things and I have a reaction that is you know I won't like say it out loud but there's like a part of me that's like, I didn't get that thing. And it's like a bad feeling. It's just that I don't,

I just want them to still be friends with me. And I think they won't, if they get too cool because I lost friends in high school to the cool kid, to the SNL of high school, you know, the coolest table in the cafeteria. Yeah. And,

and I think that you're just, I'm scared of that happening again. Well, I have that feeling about people who aren't my friends who get things and I want them to, I want their lives to be fine. I have enemies in my head that like, they're like, I clearly don't think about you at all, but I'm like, I want you to fail. Yeah.

And that's when you watch only four minutes of their special and turn it off. You send a message to Netflix that this is not okay. And that this person was mean to you once when they didn't mean to be. And you took it the wrong way, but they were just had a cold. There's an insanely famous person that I'll talk about off air because it has become

too online because I've mentioned it in a podcast. He's so famous and he was my friend and he fucked my girlfriend in New York. Akinator. I can't. I can't get over it. Are they a famous YouTuber?

He fucked her while you were dating her? Yes, and we were friends. Oh, man. And I hate his guts to the point where like, but there was like a time in LA probably- Has his star diminished at all? Have there been like, because it can't stay a- Also, how did you find out?

Everyone told me. Taylor Swift fucked your girlfriend? I mean, like, honestly, if you're actually like putting the top, like top 20 most famous people, he's definitely in that list. Wow. I don't even know who this is, Sean.

Or maybe you told me, but I forget. Including like political leaders? Oh, no, I'm talking this strictly pop culture. But like, he's such a multi-hyphenate that you would know. And there was a time where every billboard in LA was him. Gad Elmaleh. It was Donald Glover. I knew it.

Oh, really? I'm like, whoa, is he going to get mad at me? El Malay. It was Donald Glover. I knew it. I knew it. Wow. Oh, really? I'm like, whoa, is he going to get mad at me? Yeah, no. Oh, really? I did not know that. Yeah, oh my God.

And I can't watch Atlanta. Such a good show. It's a great show. He's so talented. It sucks when you like, that's why I don't like to get to know celebrities because you'll learn

something shitty about them and then you can't enjoy anything they make anymore. It sucks to have this chip on my shoulder and I just constantly read where they're like, he's a genius. And it's almost like Albert Einstein fucked my girlfriend. Oh my God, you're so right.

But here's the thing though, no matter how talented he is in the bedroom, I heard he's even better. So you got that going for you. Oh, cool. Oh, that sucks. How many times did he bang? You know, I didn't get those details.

I don't know, I always wonder if it's like, because if it's one night, I wouldn't hate him as much if it was like... You know, I think it was just a thing that we were friendly with each other and also a month before it, we hosted the election night at two in 2008 like together wow uh at soundfix and i was just like this guy's like my friend and then it turns out he's also oh but also you're while you were dating change

sean yeah i think it was while we were dating have you been around your wife yeah it was cheating your girlfriend cheated on you with donald glo? He's apologized so much, right? You know, I've only seen him twice since then and he acted as if he only slightly remembered me. Oh my God. Like you're having sex

with the girl he has. I mean, he's probably slaying so much that she was just wanting a big batch. Well, I was talking to, you know, the person I was playing poker

with the other, not playing, but watching play poker. I was talking to them about having success and how it feels so good when you see people who are shitty to you and you get to now like have some power over them and like possibly. Sure, destroy them. Yeah, like impact their career negatively. And I've talked about on the podcast before, there was a girl that was so rude to me on a show I did one time. And I almost want, I don't really want to host a late night show

but I just know she would end up being booked on it at some point if I did have one and you know like you probably aren't aware of everyone being booked on your show so you probably show up to work and just see the breakdown be like oh she's performing tonight and go tell her to pack up and leave but her crew's already here

we've already done the rehearsal and the sound check just tell her she has to go and just don't even tell her why but she's not performing on my show i'm not giving her a platform and like to have her just be like why and like maybe be able to just give her a note of like um you know this game show think back to it when you were when you thought you were better than me damn and it's and i and my friend goes no that's not what you do you have her on and you just like make her uncomfortable or you don't even know i don't want to even give i don't want no i don't want to i go it's better to not have you seen let's enjoy behar's mature there's a video of michael b jordan right yeah and this girl's interviewing the red carpet she made it to the

red carpet and then she's like we went to we were in grade school together and he just looks at her he's like yeah you bullied me you were actually like and like made her feel horrible i gotta show you do all michael jordan's make other people feel yeah yeah unfortunately yeah yeah but no it's like uh yeah it was just like that's great. It was like so... Vengeance. There's nothing better than vengeance. How could you bully Michael B. Jordan?

He's like an Adonis. He's so good looking. Well, no. In The Wire, he was a skinny little kid. Yeah, but he still had it. I love vengeance. I love... It's something I shouldn't...

And I don't think about it that often, but that would be... I almost would do something just like that i wouldn't want to do a show but i would do it if i could impact negatively someone's life that thought they were better than me at one point you're i don't think you're capable of vengeance really no i don't really want to harm you forgive too easily it turns into harm in their and and in their staff's lives sure well yeah this is were good people that are just trying to get by. This is one of the reasons

why you can't do vengeance because you think about things like that. But I just want them to know, like I don't want to, I want them to have to pack up. No, I think what you really want is for that vengeance, the person who wronged you in the past

to become your friend and then apologize more than get revenge on them. Although there's been some people that have turned and been nice to me after they were rude and the part of me that wants to just be like you suck and i'm not i like yeah there's that's part of me that still wants me to like them because they were mean to me once you're

famous or yeah like a change because of that that's there's one person who's gotten so nice to me because i've since i've become slightly famous and they were so rude to me coming up all the time without question and i just thought it was because they like kind of saw through me and saw the parts of me that i don't like about myself and kind of like had my number and i almost respected that they just didn't like me and stuck to it and then they turned like i hadn't seen them for six months things happened in my career and they were so nice to me i was like oh you i liked you before when i thought you were just a cunt and now like you're just you didn't like me

Because I wasn't cool And that I thought you didn't like me because you saw through me But you just didn't like me because I wasn't What you thought because I wasn't Successful in your eyes and And it made me not Yeah and it made me not fear that person As much I was just like oh I see through you

You're pathetic desperate yeah it made it was Really lacking any Utility yeah person as much. I was just like, oh, I see through you. You're pathetic. Desperate. Yeah. It was really nice. Lacking any utility. Yeah. But I mean, there's been people I didn't I'm trying to think of if there's been anyone early on that I just didn't like and was kind of mean to and then they got famous. Mike Racine. But he didn't get famous.

Mike Racine. I was so mean to Mike Racine. You were mean to him. Oh, yeah. Interesting. Oh, well, when he showed up, he was like, truly like he seemed like he was molested by a thousand hitmen. Mike Racine. You were mean to him. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, when he showed up, he was like, truly, like, he seemed like he was molested by a thousand hitmen. Mike Racine is a comedian in New York. He's so funny. So funny.

So funny. He was one of my good friends, too. And I had to take a couple years away from him. I love Mike Racine. I love him. I love his wife. I love his kid. I love every, he's so funny.

And when he first started, it was just like, you shouldn't be here. Your energy is weird. He was very Dylan Klebold at the open mic. Yes. And then he figured out how to do comedy, and I would die for Racine. Yes. I love him now, too. But it turns.

But it wasn't because... Yeah. I get what you're saying. What's interesting, though, is i started after mike racine and i remember talking to other comedians racine was that person to us who we felt was like standoffish and mean and like but now he's great like now i get along it's just so funny how you can hear from i feel like racine was dealing us generational bullying yeah because he was bullied by sean that's what i'm saying yeah no for sure yeah it does get hurt people yeah hurt people i'm sure someone bullied you

at some point that was above you in comedy oh i i mean i've talked about it so much but in st louis there was this girl that was like, just told everyone I fucked everyone for stage time. And I was a virgin at the time. And it was just, it was truly devastating and made me want to leave. Like, I'd never been bullied in that way in high school or anything like that. You did do anal, though. To be fair.

I remember reasoning with her because she was drunk once being like, did you fuck? And she was listing all these comedians I'd opened for. And I go, well, yeah, I did. I blew that one. But it's because I really liked him. It wasn't for stage time. I actually turned stage time down because these guys would. I never did anything.

If I thought I was getting something because they wanted to fuck me, I would never. I only wanted to be get stage time because of my merit. I never thought I was never someone who used that to get ahead in fact there were guys that would offer me stage time and had never seen me but wanted to have sex with me and i would be like i'm bad i'm not gonna do a spot because i knew that i sucked so it was just so weird that she would accuse me of using that or like and then when i started getting good she would just say that they wrote my material for me which was just so insulting as well that sucks it really sucks I used to get laid for stage time and uh listen I you know I used to listen I would have talked to any comic for stage time

I was gay for a while you guys I feel like are the same as me as like you, none of you were like that thirsty for stage time when you sucked. No, no. And were like everyone needs to see me. Like you didn't believe in yourself. I was horrified. Like I remember asking for a guest spot at the club I started at like after I was like already I had to wait till I was like

clearly a top three comic at the open mic. Absolutely. I was too afraid to like go out in front of a real audience and like bomb. So I was like over prepared. And like I remember Kurt Metzger, it was like I'll recommend you to the seller and then Julian told me I wasn't ready.

And it's stuck in my head forever, still to this day where I'm like, well the seller is just so far out of reach. Do they pay well? No. Nevermind. forever still to this day where i'm like well the seller is just so far out of reach yeah they pay well i don't really know never mind i don't think i'm friends with any comedians who like i mean i maybe casually know some of them but real friends i don't think i could be friends with someone who's like i always knew i had it and people needed to see me i believed in my like no one i'm friends with believes in themselves no no in that way in fact any friend i have that

like really fucking has like braggadocious and like fucking loves themselves i like wind up not being friends with them almost immediately because my natural instinct to that is like i gotta tear that down yeah because we were actually talking about how long we've been friends sean like i reached out we became friends via myspace because we both were like oh you're funny i'm funny let's hang out or like let's at least talk on MySpace. And then we eventually hung out. And I was talking about like, yeah, I think I have good taste in people, friends, even early on. Because I did that with a lot of people and reached out to them.

And some immediately I just revealed themselves to be way too confident, think they're too cool. And I just couldn't. I had to be fake around them because i had to like be the same way and i wasn't i was so insecure because i'm an energy energy matcher like so like yes so then i'm like i feel very uncomfortable when i'm like around somebody who's just like i fucking rip it every time i'm on stage like i'm like no okay this is totally what were you no no just when people get off stage and they bomb horribly but they have the confidence like they just tore the roof off it's just wild i remember i stopped being friends with three people in new york because i saw them on stage bombing and

talking about how funny they were on stage i was just like i can't know you i don't want to know you like oh i i've had to distance myself from some people. I've never said I'm funny because I'm so afraid of saying that and then proving I'm not. I mean, that's why Instagram, it just makes me so uncomfortable to see some of my friends on there because it is a brag machine. You have to. That's why I can't even look. My own stuff makes me cringe sometimes because you have to tell people how well you're doing. And it's really a gross quality and does not attract

the right people to you no if they're falling for it no but it attracts people with money to you because people like they hate self-deprecating humor i know it's that is so true because that's why they're all because it's not confident it's not confident you're not confident yeah why are why are you saying why are you making fun of yourself? You suck at all aspects of life. Yeah, it's, okay, taking a sharp turn, I saw something that I thought would make you all laugh, because I think you both know, do you know, you guys know Bright Eyes?

Oh, yeah. Yes, Bright Eyes. This is the first day of my life. Conor O'Byrne. You know that song? I literally have a text message from yesterday where I was like, the only reason why I ever voted to begin with was

Bright Eyes because he said vote for John Kerry and I was like done well okay I was on Reddit and it was the music subreddit and it was like Bright Eyes I guess cancelled all concerts for the remainder of their tour because he has vocal cord issues uh shout

out i've been through it it sucks um but so sometimes reddit can just be so funny and this was a hidden funny reddit thing and someone wrote the first comment is this is the worst tour of my life and then the next person goes swear i was gonna see bright eyes play they fucked it up i logged on to red. Suddenly everything changed. The next person wrote, they're saying cancellation leaked. And then underneath that, this was the first post that I saw.

Next person, next person. These are all different people. Swear that I already had tickets. His voice is strained. Suddenly tours are changed. They're saying, and then, oh, guess they're saying And then Guess

They're saying And then the last person goes Guess I'll go to sleep I just love When everyone agrees To like do something And comment on comments

It was so satisfying to me It is fine too That song is like the least Stressful on your voice Ever Yeah Oh yeah that's true You're just talking like this Yeah but if you ever hear His other songs It is funny too, that song is like the least stressful on your voice ever. Oh yeah, that's true.

You're just talking like this. Yeah, but if you ever hear his other songs. I don't even have to sing that. Oh, he does? Honestly, I'm glad he's fine. It's been 35 years of vocal strength. Oh my God. At the bottom of everything? Oh my God.

Can we just talk about that song for a second? How's that one go? That's the one. Is that the one that made you scared of air travel? I mean, there's so many things. Well, it starts out, if you've never heard it, listen to the, at the bottom of everything, besties, go listen to the song.

It's one of the best songs, but it starts out with, there was a woman on a plane. She was reading her book and she was really bored and listless. Do you remember this? And then there's a man next to her and suddenly the plane starts shaking and people are screaming there's a man next to her and suddenly the plane starts uh shaking yes and people are screaming and the man next to her says uh he she looks the man next

to her and she goes what's happening he goes we're it's your birthday darling and we're going to a birthday party and everyone loves you very very very very very very very very very very but he's like it's so creepy. And then it turns into this like really lovely song about a plane crashing and like going to the next phase of your life. And it's so good and creepy. And I love it. He was the Dylan of our generation. He kind of was.

Yeah. I mean, like truly like in high school, I listened to like The Calendar Hung Itself. Oh, I don't know that one. It's so great. It's like it's all about just just unrequited love in high school. And it is about killing yourself because she'll never be with you. And I would listen to that song five times a day, just being like, here I go. Man, music in high school and when you're not in a-

Depeche Mode was like that for me. Oh, really? What song? I can't. I don't remember any names of songs it was just a feeling of like being so sad and just leaning into it we're all in like committed relationships and have been for a while like doesn't music just like not get it get you as hard anymore like i i gotta like con i gotta get a little high sometimes because i want to remember a time.

I need to shift my perspective to listen to some music because I want to remember when I felt that way when I was listening to the song and being like, I love this guy. He doesn't love me. I truly, I miss, I was a real emo kid. I really miss listening to bands like Thursday where it's aggression,

but then also there's horrible songs about just getting broken up with. And you just, there's a song called how long is the night by Thursday that I would just like cry every night listening to. And I'm like, now I listen to it. I'm like, this is pathetic.

You cry watching the Mets. But yeah, I wish I could just go back to feeling like there's no songs about like long- term committed relationships That would ever elicit The same kind of emotions as any breakup songs would Well there's divorce You get to divorce songs

Yeah that's what we all are going to get to eventually Alright that's a good point Sometimes I'll get in fights and I'll put on music Like in the shower Oh yeah with like your girlfriend I found myself sitting on the floor of a shower like listening to like Pretending you're in a music video or pretending you're

like kind of pretending. It's a lifetime movie about rape. You'll get to a fight with your girlfriend and then you'll go in the shower and just sit on the floor in a moat while listening to like the cheesiest music you've ever heard. I'll tell you what I do after the break. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair

at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from

Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also I have been recently, wherever you get your podcasts. I have been recently, like the only time I will feel, like because Chris and I kind of have a really good plan for when we fight. It doesn't last long. I can't really put a song to it. It's just like resolves itself. We've been in a really good place

for months and months and months. So I can't really get emotional about songs, but like I can have fights with girlfriends and then i've been really into bad blood and i imagine like i'm never gonna talk to you again and i sing because baby now we got bad blood and i've like been on a treadmill like fucking jamming and then it really helps me process it and then that's that's what now that i'm in my relationship is good i'm like looking for fights with my girlfriends to be like i'll never we had such a good thing this is why we can't have nice things by taylor swift like it's I'm in my relationship is good. I'm like looking for fights with my girlfriends to be like, I'll never,

we had such a good thing. This is why we can't have nice things by Taylor Swift. Like it's turned into girl friendships and I'll like fucking burn them down. Oh, but you can do that without friendships. You can do that with career stuff, enemies, enemies that succeed or whatever you, I go to the gym and I'm like,

I'm that's what, and when I listen to you, really, when I listen to rap music at the gym, I'm thinking about destroying the people who made that show. That sucks. Oh, wow.

That's cool. I gotta get more vengeance in my life. It's vengeance. It's all, like, I'm driven by spite. I will say- And it does fuel a lot of my- This is actually where they bring up Bright Eyes because I was in New Jersey this past week

with my parents and we got into a massive fight. Oh yeah, we were on a Zoom call and you were like, I just got into a huge fight with my parents. I'm three Celsiuses into the day. Oh my God. So we got into like a two hour long fight and the entire ride home from New York that night,

I just listened to Bright Eyes and I was like, oh my God, I was just being 17. You were 17 again. With your parents. With my parents. It all like, it just clicked right now.

That's amazing. Because I'm like, I have not listened to Bright Eyes in forever and it was really soothing and it was only because I fought with my parents. Wow.

I fought with them like I was 17. I was like jumping up and down screaming. Oh my God. It's crazy that it can just put you right back there with your parents. I found myself being, my parents are in town right now, and being such a bitch last night.

Final thought. Last night going to dinner, my dad eating with chopsticks bothers me so much. Especially when it's a steak. It's a lot. Just watching him try to get these little cucumbers get a proper bite. I can't focus on anything he's saying.

I'm just like, use a fork. But it's not even like, I'm just like, learn how to you play guitar really well. How are you able to do and you can't do... It's so annoying to me. That was him with the chopsticks? Yeah.

Chopping up the cucumber. I just don't understand. I'm being such a brat about it. The way he orders bothers me. He'll be like, so what's the shiso with the miso dried and then the sea bass on the side? He'll ask what the thing is.

And then the waiter will just say the same thing. So it's the dried shiso with the flaky meat. And then he'll go, okay, I'll have that. And it's like, he doesn't learn anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you have to ask so many questions?

I just know what I want. I don't have to ask many questions. When someone goes, what do you like here? To the waiter? Yeah. And it dried that. I don't have to ask many questions. When someone goes, what do you like here? To the waiter? Yeah. And it dried that. I don't know why.

Don't do that, you guys. Well, sometimes I ask, what's the most popular dish? That's okay. That's okay. That's actually information that's important. Yeah. Why would you ask a person who you don't know? You don't know how they eat.

You don't know what they like. They just came at the table. You don't know anything You don't know how they eat. You don't know what they like. They just came at the table. You don't know anything about them, what they, it's like, it's full. It seems to be like, no,

I'm just making, you're one of me. You're one of us. We're not going to treat you differently because you're a waiter. It's like, yes, I am.

You're waiting on me. I'm not gonna treat you less than, but it's your job to wait on me. I don't need to be buddies with you. Sometimes I go like, what's your favorite dish? And then they'll go, what's the Caesar salad?

And I go, I don't want that. Exactly. Just one validation of what you already want. favorite dish and then they'll go what's the caesar salad and go i don't want that exactly usually they also pick the third cheapest thing or the third well i love the filet mignon but yeah i love the filet but if you're not gonna get the filet the salmon is fantastic that's the worst when they answer with every single thing on the menu that also but i really do appreciate when they go, it's not good. Now that's nice. Like, that is nice.

That's nice. That's a trick. I bet the chef, if he heard that, would lose his fucking mind. I love when they go. Listen, none of the food here is good. But most of the time, like, I've studied the menu beforehand. Like, I know what I'm doing. Great menu.

I know what I'm doing going in. And I'm like, I want to make this as quick as possible because I got to get back to like saying something inappropriate and you are like the principal for some reason I am obsessed with um efficiency obviously and there's nothing more I like than meals with friends I want them to last forever I never ever want them to end but I do not like um pageantry eating out. And I think the more money you spend at a place, there's more bullshit that these people have to do. And I do respect waiters. I don't want you to misinterpret me being like I don't want to be chummy with a waiter. It's because it's fake to me to be chummy with a waiter.

We're not friends. They have a job. They have other tables. I don't need to act like they're buds with me. And so I'm not being disrespectful. I'm being actually respectful by not acting like I care how their day was And so I'm not being disrespectful. I just, I'm being actually respectful by not acting like I care how their day was. I love cutting through the bullshit.

Yeah. I don't want to talk to anybody about anything. I don't want you to give me the drink menu and withhold the food menu. No boo. I don't, I want, I want the food menu right out of the gate. Drink menu is irrelevant.

People who are interested in a drink menu, become an alcoholic or just stop drinking. Like, know what you like. Like, I don't like being like, mm, let me try this cocktail. Like, I can't, I don't hang with people that are just like, ooh, I'll try a fun new cocktail

and I'll just have a couple sips of it. It's so weird. It's like being into Pokemon as an adult or something where you're like, I gotta try them all. And why would you want your calories in a fruity, dumb beverage that has been put together because of like what they ordered too much of? Yeah, because it's St. Patrick's Day. Mad respect to anyone who drinks their calories and has like a sane relationship with food.

And they're like, I just want to try a fun, fruity drink. Like, God love you. I don't relate to anything in your life and that is so cool to me but drink menus are bullshit to me like I don't want

them propped up if you like wine get the Chardonnay get the red like you we don't you need to do a taste testing of it

that is completely it's insane to me why is that the only thing that you taste test by the way yeah because honestly like as somebody who drinks Diet Coke, that should have a fucking

taste test! They're running out of syrup! I need to know! Dude, you are so right. That's where you should swirl it around. Oh yeah, no, put more syrup in. What is this, a four day ago? That is such a good point. That's a good

bit. You should do that bit because that's the only time where a beverage really is. Wine tastes bad all the time. It's alcohol, you guys. Every time the little taste, I'm like, oh, yes, it's wine. And I've never seen someone taste it and go, no. And if you do, you get such. My wife's done that before. My sister does that.

Yeah, she's tasted it and goes, and she goes, I don't like this. I've eaten raw chicken because I don't want to piss off. What could be bad about it? It doesn't taste good. Sometimes it doesn't taste good. It's wine. It's not supposed to.

They're fermented. They're grapes that have gone bad and they've turned sour so they've turned to literal poison. Alcohol is a poison. It's not supposed to taste good. I am so tired of alcohol culture. It's all bullshit. If you like beer, you do not like to taste good i'm so tired of alcohol culture it's all bullshit if

you like beer you do not like the taste of beer you're you do think you like it because you're lying to yourself that you like it because it makes you fucked up you would never drink beer if it didn't make you fucked up and i know you go no i drink non-alcoholic beer because you used to get fucked up on beer and it reminds you of when you used to get fucked up it's still about a feeling it's not actually the taste is not actually good. Children do not like the taste of beer. If children don't like the taste of something, it actually tastes bad.

And I fall for this stuff too. I love coffee. I think toffee tastes good. It doesn't. It's the first time, no one likes coffee the first time they drink it. It is a bitter, bad taste. And that's why you add sugar and cream.

Yeah, I've hated the taste of coffee my entire life it's never gotten better and I drink it black I drink it too and I love it but it does not taste good I'm not lying to myself

it tastes like it feels good yeah and then people are like oh you go to Starbucks like what do you like there's so many better coffee places I'm like

not to me it all tastes like shit not to me it's all garbage because you're right it does I'm like, not to me. It all tastes like shit. Not to me, it's all garbage. Because you're right. It does. I'm sorry to sound like Bill Maher when I'm talking this way. But I do feel a little bit of condescension. Me too.

If there was caffeine and Gatorade, it's all I would drink. Of course. People, you don't realize that these things are drugs. And I'm working on a bit about how motherhood is also a thing that people convince themselves they love because... And they really do think they love it. It's not like they're like lying to themselves. You do think you love coffee.

It is the same as loving it. Or is it tasting good? I was at dinner and they brought out... I got a decaf. I don't know what I was thinking. I think it's such a strong move. I don't like the taste of coffee. I love decaf coffee because it makes you feel the way coffee would make you feel.

Wait, what do you mean? Decaf does work, and I do drink decaf because it has a little bit of caffeine in it. It has a little bit. And it's just like NA beer. It gives you the feeling that you're doing the thing that used to give you the feeling. It's a placebo almost. I felt like I didn't finish the decaf because I knew that the end result wouldn't be me having a fun time on caffeine. Right. So I was just like, oh, I don't even like coffee.f because I knew that the end result wouldn't be me having a fun time on caffeine.

Right. So I was just like, oh, I don't even like coffee. Why did I even get this? But my point that I always make about beer when people go, no beer is good. I went to a Froyo place and they had a beer flavor once. And I went up and I asked, I go, how much you got to change that one? They go, never. No one ever.

They sample it because it's funny. But no one, if you liked the it's funny but no one if you liked the taste of beer so much wouldn't that be an ice cream flavor people enjoy yeah it's not guess what other flavor ice cream people don't get that much coffee coffee sometimes they do it's a nice a little because you don't want to eat too much of it because it tastes bad yeah it's so bitter it is honestly like i want a sugary treat but i also don't want to enjoy myself. Yes. And fuck you, bars. And dark chocolate. What bars?

Also not good. Dark chocolate? No. No, no. It's so good. It also has caffeine in it. I draw the line at dark chocolate. Dark chocolate is delicious.

I eat so much of it every day. It is, but it's not as delicious as milk chocolate. And the reason milk chocolate is so good is because you're scared. Milk chocolate sucks. Milk chocolate is so good. Oh, my God. Are you insane? It sucks.

It's too smooth. No, it's healthy. Oh, I love how smooth it is. Dark chocolate honestly tastes like you're eating coffee grounds. I love dark chocolate. And then the lower percentage you go, the worse it is. But you eat it because it's better than nothing. Your jaw's moving.

Can I quickly go back to the beer? Can places stop beer battering everything and putting beer and cheese and making our chicken beer batter? It doesn't taste like anything and you're just adding beer. No, yeah, it's bad. I'm sorry if you're someone who loves wine and

you love beer and you love coffee and you do think that they taste good. Because I've gotten into so many fights with people and people really do think they taste good. And I also think coffee tastes good. I just want to say it's your brain pulling a trick on you. Because it's the same with onions and stuff. When I read that Alan Carr book about drinking and how alcohol doesn't taste good. And the same one with the caffeine book.

Like if you give a child something and they go blech, like that equals it doesn't taste good. And we all have to get to enjoy coffee. We all have to get past that. I used to do that about tomatoes. Yeah, you have to do it with vegetables a lot of the time.

It's like you have to push through it and like you have to trick your brain. And put oils and sweets That's why caramelizing onions makes them good You add sugar to stuff A grilled onion is great But you're looking for the feeling I think we get mixed up with

Something tastes good because it gives me the feeling Because it's all kind of the same It's also the ritual Oh my god The Starbucks ritual Opening the door of god ritual oh the starbucks ritual well opening the door of a starbucks is what i'm there for putting holding that cup in my hand the warm if it's a cup without the hand warmer not as good of a drink i'm not tasting the can warmer it's all a lie but it tastes different to me without it the ritual is so important that the the starbucks that i walk to

every morning by my house was closed for like they're redesigning it for like two weeks so i was going to a different starbucks and like redesigning yeah like they i guess they're a new mural on the wall you kind of yeah we like unions uh like but like you know they they closed for two weeks and I was going to this other Starbucks and it was really terrible. I hated this other Starbucks. And now the new one, it's open again.

All I wanted, it turns out, was them to be like, hey, Sean, how are you? They know my name. That's all I've wanted. Like a bartender. It's the same. My Starbucks,

the one I go to in St. Louis and the one I go to here when I mobile order they fucking rush that shit they know I am and they wink when they hand it to me how's your day Nikki like it's so good it's the best the best and they make it you can taste the love

in it um yeah it's but nothing bugs me more than a Starbucks that's like you know do you get lattes no you don't you just get yeah you have no fun with coffee i have no fun with coffee i'm a black but like aaron gets the fun drink of the month every day she does yeah so like right now it's like an apple crisp i want to be that person yeah so badly apple crisp oat milk latte uh hell yes yeah and she does that and i'm like cool like that's a good couple but isn't that the same as getting the alcohol drink it's different yes and i want to be that person too but i'm never gonna be that

person and i don't hate that person i want to make a distinction it sounded like i hated that person i don't relate to you on any level someone being like spontaneous that's someone who doesn't have an eating disorder of any kind to me because they're just like i'm gonna try this yeah like dietary sugar bomb yeah and have and i'm gonna risk calories for a new taste not on my watch not i if i'm gonna get calories i want exactly what the calories I want are. Some people go through the menu, too, and they're like, I don't know what I'm getting. And they always get the same three things. Oh, yeah.

Oh, someone who goes, um. If you're waiting in line and you get to the front of the line and you do an, um. I mean, walk in front of traffic on the way out. Have that be your Last meal Because I can't Get And this is

A dining out too Look at your menus Then shut Let's all shut Our menus To send a message Yes Let's get our order

In before Other tables Yeah I don't believe In telepathy Unless I'm at a restaurant Because like When I have decided I'm like trying to sync

up with the waiter being like alright come on over here we're ready now but I love dining out so much it's my favorite thing in the whole world I like dining out but with purpose like you gotta it's not it can be a long dinner but I want to get a long dinner I love but I want to get it

in I want to get the appetizers in I need apps within the first five to ten minutes I don't care for apps I want all get it in. I want to get the appetizers in. I need apps within the first five to ten minutes. I don't care for apps. I want all the food out at once. Or that's even better. But I don't mind if other people eat apps. I like watching people. But I will say, we went out to lunch before the Jets game last week.

And we got with E&Me in Columbus Circle. And I got back to the hotel room and I said to Chris, I was like, I gotta tell you, that's all I want to do in my life. Is just sit at a table with funny people, my funny friends, who we kind of all know each other, but like all kind of don't. Like we're still like getting to share new stories. And like, it was so satisfying. I just love going out to eat with friends.

And I meet, let me just say, did you hear I said friends? satisfying. I just love going out to eat with friends. Did you hear I said friends? I don't really like dining with one other person. One-on-one? No. I don't like eating alone. It's a new thing I learned about myself. No. Too much pressure to hold a conversation. You can't look at your phone. I love basically

this is so Curb Your Enthusiasm coded in me, but I love a six-person table i like kind of being in the middle yes because you're uh what's it called like what are they called was it the anchor or like a narcissist yeah yeah like i love like i that's like my dream scenario it's just always doing that i i love it and this is what this podcast is except we're not eating but um we should eat maybe we should be so upset phil rosenthal they eat on his podcast and it's always it's so hard to listen to yeah yeah unless it's asmr and it's like exactly the way i want it maybe but um diet coke i'm back on it's never going it's like exactly the way I want it. Or smoothies, maybe. But Diet Coke, I'm back on.

It's never going away. I just heard Heather McMahon on social media talking about how she was off Diet Coke for 15 years or something and she's back on it. Well, she thought Diet Coke killed her dad. Really? Yeah. Oh, no. That's what she put.

Like how? Like in the Mrs. Dow fireway? Was he like run over by a diet coke? No, he had 25 and he drove his fucking Camaro. Oh, no. That's what she put. Like how? Like in the Mrs. Dow fireway? Was he like run over by a knife? No, he had 25 and he drove his fucking Camaro off a cliff. It's not good for you. Everyone has so much guilt around it. And I'm like, I don't understand why.

But we all must know that it's just terrible for us because of the hold it has on us. Yeah, I mean, I'm obsessed with it. Why? I can't understand why I am yeah I really feel like if they outlawed Diet Coke I might like jump off of the building in Europe they don't have Diet Coke

they just have Coke Zero I know I don't I had one the other day and I was like I feel like I'm in Europe yeah it doesn't hit the spot it does hit in Europe though I don't know. Maybe. It's because you don't have another option. Maybe.

Or ice. Yeah. Ice makes the... I'm sorry. Will some European besties write me and say, why would you have a Coke Zero or any kind of soda and not want it to be cold? Why would that make that beverage better? Is there,

I just don't understand there's anyone that would enjoy that more. Are they just so smart about it, knowing that, like, they'll like it more, and they know they shouldn't like it more, that they're doing it. Oh, they're, like, trying to

create a way to. It's like a stoicism thing? It's dark chocolate. Yeah, it's dark chocolate. So it slows them down. Dark chocolate is good. It's delicious. It's better than milk chocolate is good It's delicious It's better than milk chocolate

I can drink a Diet Coke without ice if it comes out really cold But then I have to chug it But Europeans sip everything So everything gets lukewarm I want to understand why Europeans like lukewarm soda What I would think is One, they don't want the water to Water down their Diet Coke

Oh, because they are taking it slower. And they're taking it. Well, and they just love to take the Diet Coke. They just want to get all Diet Coke. You don't want the water. It doesn't need to be cold. And they're not. And it's not cold, though.

It's not like a hot Coke. Oh, hot Coke. I remember that. I think it's better. You got a hot one? I would like it hot better than just room temperature. Interesting. Not really, but it's really almost as bad.

Have you ever tried to chug Diet Coke after being hungover? It almost kills you. You almost blow up like a seagull. It's insane. Cold Diet Coke, though, when you're hungover is incredible. I could probably drink. I guess not to quench your thirst. Drink a pond of it.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, i had was diet coke wow i mean there was tap water but i killed heather's dad so i was like i'm not doing that so i cracked open a diet coke and i remember counting the chugs i did 10 chugs and just set it down and then went back to sleep i woke up this morning to it. It was insane. But I've always been a chugger. I remember my dad as a kid being like, Jesus Christ, slow down. I just like chug things really hard.

Would you eat dinner fast as kids? I eat fast, I drink fast. I do everything fast. Yeah, same. I ate as slow as humanly possible. You are the slowest eater. I am very envious of it. It's a very great habit to have.

Did you enjoy your parents' conversations? No, I just want to savor the food. He licks. What? Big cats. I don't even eat Kit Kats. I'm starting with, I say Kit Kat and then I will adjust because no one knows what you're saying.

Big cats. If I just say he licks big cats, it sounds like. Yeah. You sound like trump you're not haitian you just are patient wait wait bring it back for a second a kit kat a kick so there's a kit kat there's a big cat called a big cat yes so i started one believe me i know the distinction it's great it's. It's great. It's really, honestly, it's how you should eat Kit Kats.

Brian, to savor it, will lick it and nibble it. He could probably suck on a Kit Kat. Like a John Mellen cat. Sucking on Kit Kats

on the set of F. Boy Island. You, and like, just take little nibbles and like, savor it. It's insane.

Where do you put it? You just keep it in the wrapper? You don't take it in the wrapper because otherwise it melts. You gotta be very careful about that because it'll melt in your hand and then it's useless. Melting Kit Kats is horrendous.

That's why Kit Kats are so bad. That's why I eat it so fast. Yeah, that would make sense. Yeah. Well, I eat it fast because the dopamine is like,

you want, get more. But you get little niblets of dopamine over the course of several hours. Do you go layers? You're eating it over the course of several hours. Yes, Dave. I'm not kidding you. Hours. He's licking it.

It's something to do. The same Kit Kat? A big cat. And this does not take restraint. He does not need restraint to do this. It is his big cat. And this does not take restraint. It is a big cat. He does not need restraint to do this. It is his natural way. Like, all of us could do this, but we'd be like, you know, it's insane. Can you imagine you're a kid and you go to, like, Circle K with three of your boys and you all get, I get a musket tear.

I think you just start deep throating. I'm so envious of him. But your buddy is like, it's three hours later after playing football, and you're like, you're still on that fucking ticket? Oh, my God. Like, my friends would have destroyed me for that. Like, my friends have destroyed all joy in my life. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I would never stop. I couldn't do high school drama because of them. Oh, yeah. Like, honestly, if I had, like, a Snickers and I licked it in front of them, like, honestly, I got called gay for watching straight porn that had a guy in it. Oh, no. Was he eating the gay? I was.

I asked Sean the other day, like, I forget how you got into stand-up. Like, did you do plays in high school? And he was like, I really wanted to, but I couldn't because my friends made fun of me. And I'm like, that is such bullshit. Yeah, I got cast in a play and they made fun of me so much that I quit the play. Letting down my drama teacher, who I loved. It is kind

of funny to do that, too, when you're like, we played sports. We were decent. We were pretty good at sports. But I wasn't good enough to give up on something else. It's hard to be your only interest. But you would be called gay yeah high school but i really can remember every meal as a guy i've i remember any meal that i've eaten slowly because it's taken so

much strength and determination well i've had to do it you know in front of if i'm at like lunch with an agent when i was 24 or something you know like I can I literally can remember every single time I've ever eaten like a normal person yeah and had to eat or on a date or something and I'm chewing with my mouth closed like but it's it's not something that comes naturally to me at all you're you're right but like when I get if you get like a seafood tower with like your agent like I'm all of a sudden in my head being like well technically I'm supposed to have another one but I also know I should wait because they're like they're normal you're feeling judged you know yeah I'm not picking up the broccolini

stocks with my hands which is the way to eat broccolini in my opinion I have to like cut it and then not eat the stem that I want to eat because I'm trying to look how and I get proud of myself like Like, I'm like a, like, I can't imagine being someone who doesn't finish everything on their plate that they like. Like, I imagine, if you don't like a thing, leave it. But if you liked it and you're just like, no, I'm just good. No, it doesn't make sense to me. I get in ways where I'll make noise. Like, you don't realize, I don't realize what I'm doing.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm licking my fingers. And then I look up and people are just like, it looks like I've murdered a fucking hooker. I don't know. It's just terrible. And I don't realize it. And I try to mature. You get into a fewer state when you're eating.

Yeah, I think I do. No, I feel you. I've done things where I'll put a mint in my mouth and try not to chew on it, like to test myself. And within seconds, I'm chewing on it. I used to think that I could suck the color off of M&M peanuts, and then I just get bored of doing that.

And I just start eating it. Well, because when I'm eating something, I'm a little bit ashamed of eating. I want to almost, there's a part of me that's like, I want to be done feeling the shame, so I want to eat it fast to get it out of the way and i don't enjoy it's such a food addiction is such a fucked thing because you don't in any addiction when you're in the throes of it you're not enjoying the thing that you are doing that you are rearranging your life around to do you can't even enjoy it while you're doing it. The shame afterwards makes you want to do it more because it's the only way you can feel better

about the thing you just did and it leads to more shame. It's so fucked. But most of the time I'm eating, I'm not like, this is delicious. It's like if I get a Domino's flatbread, one of those, not the flatbread, whatever, the thin crust.

The first half, I don't even know I'm eating it no but the last three i finally can taste it you know i finally yeah because it's big enough i gotta get the large you gotta you gotta eat something first you're so hungry you're gotta eat cleansing eat like a bunch of vegetables first yeah so that you're not hungry i have started eating before meals so that i can maybe eat a little bit normally and not be so out of control. Like have a decent snack that just gives me something that I'm not. Because I always think that I'm never going to be full. Like there's never enough. Like there's some delusion in my mind that my body will never just be like, no, I'm good.

Because it is true. I'm almost never just fully. The only time I know I'm full is if I'm about to throw up. I don't understand being like, I'm good. Ever. My stomach bloats. That's the key. I bloat.

It is the key. I go, okay, I'm bloated. I can't move. I have trouble breathing. That's why you got to eat slow. Because then you wait. Your brain's got to catch up to your stomach. I don't know how you do it. I wish I could do it. It's like someone smoking a cigarette slow. That's not you gotta eat slow because then you wait your brains got to catch up to your stomach. I don't know I wish I could do it like a cigarette like slow like that's not a thing

I'm just rushing through everything to get to the next thing I rushed through Funny part too is like all we're talking about is how much coffee we drink really? I don't know why we do Is this related because I don't know why we do this. Is this related? Because I don't drink caffeine. Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah, like I drink so much caffeine. I'm insane. No, I think there's something like if you grew up in a chaotic house, you're comfortable in chaos.

And what I've learned from therapy is that I'm either comfortable being really, really depressed or really, really anxious and flying high and like they're not stopping. And that's that steadiness in between feels like death. Yeah. Well, I have that, too, though. Like I'm dying slow. Yeah. My therapist said that I'm my most stressed when everything's going well. Yes.

Well, you want to keep it. Well, there's no reason why human beings should have ever felt well and safe. It is not like when we used to have to survive to live. There was no comfort. There was no just basking in vacationing. It was always like you're either being eaten or you have to find a way to eat and survive. And your kids are dying and you're getting fucking raped. It's like it was just fight or flight constantly. There was never a moment in a cave person's life

of like, I'm gonna chill. I think even in like the last, the last like 130 years are the only time it's ever been really good to be alive. Well, it depends. If you were like in the aristocracy in the middle ages. Well, yes, like if you were a king in ancient Greece. Even then you stunk and your body itched because you were in the aristocracy in the Middle Ages. Well, yes. If you were a king in ancient Greece. Even then you stunk and your body itched because you were in these disgusting clothes.

You definitely had all these weird STDs. But you didn't know better than that. You didn't, but they drove you insane. Yes. Basically, a king in the 1600s had a syphilitic brain. Yeah. And was still living better than most people. Wow.

But was also insane. 300 years from now, people are going to look back at our lives and be like, can you believe that people died? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so true. That's so weird.

Well, now phones are destroying our lives. And I just saw a thing the other day at TikTok that is probably not true, but phones are emitting radiation and like you should not sleep with your phone next to your head. You shouldn't have it even near your face. Now I'm like holding my dog

and like the phone will be next to the dog and I'm like, go get it away. So that's still, that's true again? I'm like going fucking nuts about it now. I think it's coming back. I saw one TikTok about it.

It's ruined my life and it was some girl that I'm sure, I don't agree with anything else she believes. Listen, I'm so worried about that. Finding out that we were just lied to because it was easier to get us all to use cell phones than like whatever the like landlines. I'm worried about that. I'm worried about Wi-Fi.

Like, is it okay that Wi-Fi is just like, you know, emitting over our heads at all times. Bluetooth? The AirPods, like sending the emitting over our heads at all times. Bluetooth? The AirPods, like, sending the Bluetooth wave through your brain. Dear God. Oh, no. Well, we're fucked. There's no escaping it. I mean, truly, but it's better than, you know, getting black lung or, like...

We just need medical technology. Or getting your, like, wires snagged on a door. Yeah. Like, on your ear pod. Getting it pulled off. Yeah, that's really more uncomfortable than a brain tumor. I think if the phone's too big for your pocket. Would you rather be torn apart by wolves or get a brain tumor from watching like any video you want to watch?

I would like a wolf to tear my tumor out. What if the wolf ate your body like how Brian eats a big cat? Licks you to death. Everyone's going to want today everyone's just fucking finished all right we gotta go thank you guys so much this is such a fun week of podcasting sean o'connor uh what's your sean o'connor sean o'connor on all social media sean s-e-a-n-o-c-o-n-n-z on all social media brian Frangie, please go watch This Is Your Country.

That is the Tim Dillon Netflix special that Brian show ran. And yeah, go watch more than five minutes of it. Watch the whole thing. Please watch the whole thing. I can't wait to watch it. Me too, I'm so excited. It's on midnight, well, two days ago.

But tonight, really, in real life. Hell yeah. Andrew Collin,, in real life. Hell yeah. Andrew Collin, follow him. Listen to his podcast, The Puddles Podcast? Yep. With Brenna. With a Z. No, no Z.

I'm not that cool. Andrew T. Collin? Andrew T. Collin on Instagram. Yeah. And threads. Don't forget threads. Oh, is anyone using threads? I'm thinking about writing on there again.

It's like you and Mark Cuban over there. Yeah, me and MC. We're taking down Donald Trump on Threads. Man, I've thought about Threads. I know. And then I'm on tour

a ton coming up. Windsor, Ontario this Friday, which is very much near Detroit. And then the following week is Syracuse. No, that's not right. I'm going to be. Yeah, Syracuse no that's not right I'm gonna be yes Syracuse got it right

um Hershey Pennsylvania and then the following week uh look for me oh I'm gonna be in Miami for Aris tour and Andrew's wedding come on out for that and then come to my wedding and then Fort Lauderdale at the end of October. Fort Myers. And that'll be some fun shows. So go check out my tour schedule, NikkiGlazer.com slash tour. Z. Yeah, with a Z.

Also Oklahoma City. Where else we got going? Tulsa, Oklahoma. Just doing an Oklahoma tour. It's like Howard Dean over there. So many dates. So many more era stores coming up We're gonna go Andrew

I'm ready I'm thinking about what era I'm gonna do Oh yeah, what are you gonna dress as? Do boys do it? Yeah, you gotta dress up Get a funny shirt or something There's like, you know, like It's me, hi, I'm the boyfriend, it's me

It's like, you know, like Swifty by peer pressure. You know, there's like Disneyland where you can. Yeah. Everyone has like funny. I'll do an era. I'll do an era. There's actually a really cool shirt that is like, you know, like the fake swimsuit shirts that are like painted on.

But it's her like body suit. That's really. I saw a guy wearing it. So funny. I'll send it to you. That's what you should do. I'm down. I'm excited.

I'll do whatever. All right. We'll see you out there. Don'm going to do that. I'll send it to you. All right, I'm down. That's what you should do. I'm down. I'm excited. I'll do whatever. All right, we'll see you out there. Don't be good. Bye. The Nikki Glaser Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcast. Created and hosted by me, Nikki Glaser. Co-hosted by Brian Frangie.

Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Han Sani, and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lean and Loaf. Video production, Mark Canton. And music by anya marina you can now watch full episodes of the nikki glazer podcast on youtube follow at nikki glazer pod and subscribe to our channel john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more.

Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.