The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #481 'Are We On Hacks?', Andrew's Getting Married & Awkward Body Discoveries

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Nikki’s life is a total whirlwind right now, so we’re dropping just one pod this week—and it’s a juicy one with Brian Frange, Sean O’Conner, and Andrew Collin in the studio! Nikki realizes they’re basically the “four husbands.” Andrew’s just days away from his wedding when he finds out his venue got blown away by Hurricane Milton, yikes! Now Nikki’s on the hunt for a house with zero trees because, tornadoes. On the road this weekend, Nikki and Ahri Findling made up their own ‘Hacks’ scenario. Then in studio they all point out how the show doesn't truly capture the life of a stand up. The late night wars were so fun, they reminisce about Jay Leno's Headlines vs Conan O’Brien's Actual Items, leading to major Conan stanning and laughter over his best bits. Nikki wants to know what subjects everyone feels ashamed about not knowing. Andrew admits that he is super nervous for his wedding vows, but gets some hype from the room. In the Final Thought, they share funny stories about discovering their bodies back in the day and the mementos left behind. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki Hello, it's me, it's Nikki Glaser

Hi, welcome to the podcast, the Nikki Glaser Podcast Live to you, I did not do that The way I was supposed to But I didn't listen to the song, you guys And so I don't know what it is unless I need the song to cue me I can't do this without listening on the headphones I feel crazy right now Really? You don't know what it is unless I need the song to cue me. I can't do this without listening on the headphones. I feel crazy right now. Really?

You don't like it? It's almost like having a conversation is foreign to me. You don't like it, Raw Dog? I don't know. Yeah, it's in person for everyone listening. This is wild. And so it's like without the headphones. We don't need the headphones.

Yeah. Because we are not on Zoom. I almost feel like I can't hear you because you're only talking through the air. Oh, my God. And not through a wire. Yeah. Are we going to be okay? I like hearing my own voice.

It makes for a different podcast for sure. Well, not being on Zoom, but also not having headphones on. Whenever I don't have headphones on for a conversation, I'm like, oh, we always get like deeper. But then sometimes having the headphones on make you more professional because you can hear yourself and you're like, I'm on the radio right now. Right, right, right. And I'm hearing my voice and I'm feeling like i'm on npr are we good um and so yeah you it's you know put them on if

you want but like no i'm gonna keep them off and see how it goes honestly you're you're killing it right now what if us three put them on no you know what i'll do i'll put it on halfway through the podcast and see how it changes. Andrew Collin is here. Hello, Andrew. What's up, everyone? Welcome back. How's everyone doing out there?

Thanks for following up with my career. As a bachelor? Yeah, I'm getting married on Saturday. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, everybody. Sorry, the boys, the girls. Sorry, everyone. So your venue was destroyed by the hurricane and then you got a new one?

By a tornado, actually. It's not a hurricane. Sean O'Connor's also here, by the way. I want to set the table. Hi, Sean. Hi, how are you? No, I want to hear about this.

I know. It's so funny that everyone's like, are you okay from the hurricane? And you go, yeah, we're fine. But a tornado got us. Yeah, yeah. No, it was an earthquake.

No, it didn't. It's insane. So the hurricane was supposed to be a, it didn't. It's insane. So the hurricane was supposed to be a category five, which is the biggest hurricane. Yeah, meteorologists were sobbing

about the end of Florida. Yeah, that guy was crying. Did you see him crying? He must feel really dumb right now. I think he was just sad about his house. But so it's going to like... He set out spring break plans.

Yeah. He was going to like. He set out spring break plans. He was going to ride the bull in Panama City. He's like the bull. Okay, anyhow. So it's going to be a huge hurricane, going to ruin everything. I'm getting married there. I got the venue. It was the end of hurricane season. What part of Florida?

Vero Beach, right? Vero Beach, Florida, which is on the east coast. Okay. Was that where it was getting hit, though? No, it was getting hit on the west side. Okay, so you felt safe already. Yeah, yeah. I know enough where I'm like.

Also, Asheville was so inland, no one thought that was going to get fucked up. That is true. So not anything can happen. And knowing my luck, I'm for sure this wedding's not happening. So the hurricane, before it even hits, they have like outer bands and a tornado, an F4 tornado, which Florida never gets hit with tornadoes. Yeah.

Went right through Vero. Oh, my God. Right through the backyard of where I'm getting married, dude. Oh, my God. So we were going to ride off on a houseboat, like just married, my buddy Rusty, his younger brother Ryan. Is that the guy who married Delana Del Rey?

He's going to give you a fucking cater tour? It's his nephew, yeah. For your honeymoon? Yeah, just some teeth. Yeah. Yeah, so the tornado, the boat we're going to go on, the houseboat, gets picked up by the tornado and thrown from Rusty's parents' house into Rusty's street,

which is a thousand yards away. Oh, my God. So he's walking out. Where was he during it? Was he sheltered? He was in his house, but he started walking around for a second. Of course he did. Yeah, of course.

Just to see the tornado. He is Florida man. Well, he grabbed his surfboard and wanted to ride the tornado for a little while. Yeah, right. So cowabunga. So he goes and he fucking, he's walking and he sees, he's like, why is a mobile home on my street? He's like, you know, I've never seen a mobile home.

And he gets closer. He's like, I recognize this debris from the inside of my brother's houseboat. Whoa. Flew all the way. Yeah. So, the best part, actually, I can't say it. Okay, I'm going to say it. Yeah, no. Oh, my God. Flew all the way Yeah so The best part Actually I can't say it Okay I'm gonna say it No one can

Yeah no The Okay so we're back Because we cut that whole part Because Andrew just revealed Something that would Never make it on a podcast I mean actually

If it were up to Andrew It would have gone through I don't think I would have Gotten a text later on Leaving trail of evidence behind So you missed a great thing That just occurred. DM me, I'll let you know.

Yeah, that's the rule. DM Andrew and his partner. Unless you're in the FDA or whatever. Whatever. You know what? I said I didn't do taxes for a long time. Whatever. And that never caught up to you.

Who calls you in this scenario? Rusty, June. Rusty the third. And how does he break this news? He broke it so quick, dude. He called me tornado. I don't even think touched yet. He's like, can't do it.

Can't do it. I'm a parent. Can't do it. He's dying for this house. Dude, he was dying. Because he's divorced with nine kids from nine different women, and they all hate him. And he's like, you don't deserve love. I should have went like that when I said that.

That's between us. No, he's very nice, and his parents were very nice. So now there's a new venue. The new venue we got for a tornado fire sale. We got the hotel that we wanted to do the wedding night before, and now we can take an outside vendor in for the only time ever. Yes. Wow, blessing in disguise.

This is going to be way better. So it's outdoors on the beach. Nice. Nice. This is way better than Rusty's houseboat. Oh, my God. Did you and Brenna, you were scared for a little bit that day

or like a couple days. You were like stressing out. We didn't have a venue. And then when you found out you got that booking, were you so excited? Did you like dance around your apartment? Yeah. What was the vibe?

Because I know that you guys were so nervous. I mean. It's a week away. Look, get married on arby's you know like i am very chill like that to the point where i'm surprised she wants to marry me but uh she was yeah insanely yeah yeah yeah she was insanely excited i mean this is the venue we wanted the whole time that's so good it just took a tornado and like 45 people dying for us to get it. How many people died? Do we know? I don't know. I feel like.

30. 30? I don't know actually. There was one development that got. Oh boy. And this is just in Vero Beach, right? There's not just 30. In general from the storm?

30 people have ever died. Like, yeah, it was just a coincidence. 30 people crushed by the houseboat. You mean the houseboat my mom lives in port st lucie which is like probably really close oh wait yes did she get she said there was tornadoes everywhere yeah my dad's house almost got hit by a different tornado but really does florida get tornadoes like historically at all historically not really they do now yeah i know they caught up too they're retiring climate change is just different weather systems like getting old and moving south

yeah i mean no and there's no the scary part there's no basements and like you're from well you lived in indiana you have basements if there's tornadoes right so it's like yeah i guess i guess i lived in a basement apartment so i was really covered i get nervous about tornadoes with my parents in the midwest i just look at all these like huge trees and i'm like oh my god like i'm just a tree collapsing on their house i think they'd be safe because they live in like a basement and they're my mom will like make my dad drive up to uh the grocery store up the street to like go in a parking garage that's really protected um so they're very cautious but like yeah those trees when i see those trees when it's just like a storm i'm like how do they stay up just uprooting something that's been around for 500 years and just like throwing it crazy

lord is all oak tree and they're all gone. It landing in your living room. Yeah, terrifying. Out of nowhere. There's a good improviser from New York who died that way. Really? Yeah, he was just sleeping and a tree fell on the house. Okay, this is a new criteria for Zillow. It's horrible. Is that will I die from a tree in my bedroom?

Is the master bedroom within where a tree could fall? Well, partially you have to look out for that. You have to have a safety zone around your house, technically. Especially if you live in an area where there are really tall, old trees. Yeah. I mean, it's getting wild out there. It's unpredictable. When you own a house, you have to do so many dumb things. You have to call

in tree people to cut down some branches every couple of years or else you're going to die. Yes, but you're also inevitably going to be fighting with your older neighbors who believe those trees like create this community oh right and like make like your home you'll be you'll be doing with me who's like there is a family of birds in that tree can you just wait until we can move them and then it's like thousands of dollars to move them it's not even a thing that's not even a service and i would be like because every time i see someone cutting down a tree,

I'm like, all the wildlife in it is displaced. That's insane. But people don't think of it that way, because I know I used to not, but if I had to knock down a tree in my backyard, I'd really struggle with it. No, knocking down a tree is horrible. I would really struggle with it. You need to replant if you're going to knock it down. And rehabilitate all the animals. The tornadoes are going to kill the animals

anyways, right? So you're saving, you're killing the animal today. How do I want that animal to die? Oh yeah, just move the animal. How about we move the animal? That's what I'm saying. You don't have to murder it. Maybe that's a service I can start providing that will tank immediately and completely

has to be funded by donations because no one will ever use it. There'll never be another tornado in Florida. So they can build their tennis court. Put up a parking lot. What's the song that the Counting Crows did? Pave Paradise and put up a parking lot. That's not John Mayer? No, it's Jody Mitchell. It's actually Jody Mitchell. I like

attributing it to the Counting Crows. For five seconds, people were fucking furious. Long December and there's reason to believe. I saw them this summer and they were great i had such a great time and he does like go away from the melody a lot but it is so fun because you try to sing the melody and keep the melody keep the melody you know true or try to sing with them and

it's like and it becomes really fun because he will he will always let you down you can just harmonize with him the whole show what is and it's been a long December and it's reason to believe

maybe this year will be better than the last and you're just like oh I can't just sing it like the way you did it

in the music video with Courtney Cox. It was so good. I love that song so much. But I did, I have seen him do stuff and follow the melody. I'm giving him shit

because he, but he was still amazing and his voice sounded as good, which is always so impressive when guys sound as good as they did in the 90s. Yeah, I mean, like 30 years later, if you sound as good as they did in the 90s. Yeah, I mean, like 30 years later, if you could still sound like you did in the 90s.

It's so hard. Frankie Valli is, but he's lip syncing. He's lip syncing. And he also has like a team of boys behind him. I think he's body syncing. I do not think he put out that statement saying, I love touring and I can't wait to slay it on the road. He was like literally a fucking, a Gen Z- that for him yes of course do you think he knows

how to type period yes yeah no way was he posting that but i do think he likes being on the road i think he likes doing it it keeps him well sure he would die a lot of people would die if i stop working so i don't think when people are like this is elder abuse i'm like So I don't think, when people are like, this is elder abuse, I'm like, I really don't think so. I think this guy's born to perform. Yeah. And he'll die. What's the guy's name? He's dead to perform. Lady Gaga's friend.

What's his name? Tony Bennett. Yeah, like Tony Bennett. I guarantee you he wanted to be out there even though he was like losing his dementia. Frankie Valli also is, but it's like you're 93.

You're like everyone you've ever known has died. Yes. You've outlived your children but of course put me on the road yeah and i like when they pair them with a younger like a gaga helps out the tony bennett like is his hospice nurse on stage much like um brandy carlisle and joni mitchell yeah they're holding their hand like the next joni mitchell's like hold like there's give me halsey and frankie valley. I want to pair more people together.

That's awesome. Or like Dick Van Dyke and that whole team that gave him the Emmy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then they look older. I mean, the stones still work because everyone looks dead. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because everyone's like aunts now. There's just like a group of hot aunts.

Really? That was seriously like insane watching him. Did you go with me? No, I saw him in Miami and he. 2002? Really? That was seriously insane watching him. Did you go with me? No, I saw him in Miami. Three hours, I think he did. 2002 is when I saw him. And it was so energetic.

Same with Paul McCartney. I always talk about it. Bonner in 2011. I was just like, watch Paul McCartney for three hours, sing and sound incredible. And there's just no way it was lip syncing. But who knows? But I mean, the stamina of these people, it's just no way it was lip-syncing but you know who knows but there i mean the stamina of these people it's just so impressive but um you know i don't i don't think i'll ever stop i can't imagine no you just need a really young girl next to you yeah and then

your fans you know fans will age with you and you'll still have the same fans that you have now for the rest of your life and hopefully you get get new ones coming in. But you can still maintain a career with the same group. Yes. If they stay alive and excited and you put out new material and you respect them. They're going to want to be inside because it'll be so hot. That's why I love the besties. I mean, Joan Rivers, she went to the very end just doing new jokes. But Jerry Lewis, he would do Palm Springs.

It would be a whole audience just full of 85-year-olds. And he'd be like, ask me every question you've ever had for me. And he'd just insult them for two hours. Oh, that's great. And read the articles about it. It's so funny. Wow. It's just like, oh, I would pay $500 to see that.

Just to see someone just not giving a fuck anymore. And roasting? He was like, or he was just like being himself? Just insulting them. Really? Just being like,

oh, you want to know. Because he wasn't like a roasty Don Rickles, right? No, no, not at all. He was just a womanizer, right? Yeah. Didn't he like hate women? He kind of hated women.

Yeah. And in the articles, he kind of goes off on women when they ask him questions. Well, you know, we weren't prolific in stand-up or like really made a mark. In the 50s? No.

They didn't let us. He didn't attribute it to that. We still had the Dean Martin roasts and he was part of that. He was. But most of that was just him putting like glasses in his mouth. That was hilarious. Yeah, I don't watch like old comedy. That's like never. in his mouth. That was hilarious. Yeah, I don't watch like old comedy.

That's like never, why would I ever watch that when there's someone's dance to watch? There's occasionally like a sketch from like the Smothers Brothers. When am I in the mood to do that?

Someone would have to sit down and show it to me. Well, you gotta be willing to take like a class. It's almost like giving yourself a little class. I need a Ken Burns comedy. I need one

because I would watch that. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah, I would definitely watch that. Make comedy boring and not funny. No, Ken Burns is amazing. No, I'm being serious. I like that because that's the kind of TV I like. I don't want to laugh.

I just want a slow-moving show. Right. You know, I enjoy that. I'm trying to think of- Like Peaky Blinders is kind of- Oh, yeah, for drama you mean. Yeah, drama. Yeah.

Like make comedy drama and I'll enjoy it. Sure. That's the bear. Oh, the bear. There you go. Do you enjoy the bear? I do enjoy the bear. I know. I gotta get back to the bear. I gotta get back to Hacks, but, oh my god, oh, I have to go to break, right? Well, this weekend,

I'm gonna tell you what we were doing this weekend, because it was really brought me a lot of joy when we get back after this. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines.

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So I was on the road this weekend with Ari Finling, your best friend, Andrew, who you introduced me to. What's their best friend? We were just like, every time we would ever be like, he'd be like, hey, I was thinking about a tag for that joke. I'd be like, are we on Hacks?

It became, because we kept, because I would feel like we were on Hacks constantly, because I'd be like, and what if I said this? I kept, and every time it was just like, are we on Hacks? So that would just become the running joke. Any comedians talking earnestly about stand-up which is only I'm only doing it right now

because I'm like begrudgingly trying to build a new act and do it the right way and it's when I watched hacks especially season two I'm like

no one writes like this like this is the dream so then when it happens the constant snapping oh you got it tag it keep going keep going

and then you go ha and they never that's right yeah there's maybe one bad thing so they kind of throw in a bad one yeah not quite that and then you know it's coming and then it's just like fucking pitch like she says it perfectly she uh it's they speed up the process because they have to yeah i like let it go being like this isn't isn't like real standup. When I was like, she was pitching her Netflix special around. And like, that's not how you pitch a Netflix special. You just like, for anyone who knows, you just, you know, your agents like to have meetings on your behalf about your standup.

You don't go in and go, here's my new hour. It's going to be, you know, like, and sit with your writers and like pitch it to a, you do that with TV shows. So it's like, okay, great. They're giving us that experience. I like at first was like like why didn't they do it the right way and i'm like because it's more interesting to have this and guess what that is a thing people do with tv shows so just mix them and it's fine mix them because it is more dynamic in that way like it's not fun to see johnny cash sit at guitar going no that's not it that's not it it's more

fun than i walk the line that's it yes that's what real writing is it's just constantly saying that's not good over and over again yeah now it's shooting your own special paying 50 000 to shoot it and then you might sell it like that's like the it's not romantic you lose a bunch of money selling it but like it's not i spend so much fucking money i just i spend so much much money on things to have them be great. Because sometimes the budget that you are given doesn't allow you to be as great as you want to be. And so you might lose money on things to get it, to have a thing out there that's so good. Well, it's an investment.

I don't think I got, I probably broke even on the roast. I spent so much money just having a team of people helping with it. And how worth it was that? You make money with all the other stuff that comes from the extra fame. Yes. And on touring especially.

And I would say to people out there, do that. Like spend money in the right places if you can. Like I don't complain about, like I should maybe

complain about money more. Yeah. Because a comedian just told me like do you ever feel like they take advantage of the fact that they know we're gonna come like prepared and they don't give us as money much materials like as they would give someone who's an actress just showing up at a thing um and I don't have that experience but that was an interesting take that I was like well I always show up so prepared and I'm always told that I do they're like god

Nick you always do so much work coming in. I think that's better to hear, though. I think that's better. Yes. That's the only way to do it. Yeah. Like, I've worked with so many people who, like, come to set with, like. Nothing.

Being like, can you explain what I agreed to? And I'm like. I've done that before and, like, done a bad job because of it. But I was at an award show recently and there was an actor backstage. And I was like, do you, like there was an actor backstage and I was like, what do you do when you get booked in these? Do you read the script? Do you give notes on it? And he's like, no, I just read what they give me. And I'm like, you do?

That's so much trust. And that's why a lot of those award show banter moments are incredibly awkward because the writers are trying their best. It's funny stuff, but then the delivery, the person said it once, the two people have never even met until they're standing backstage about to go on. They read through on prompter once together because they probably both can't make rehearsal because they both

flew in that day from their separate movie premieres. And so it's like you watch it, but it's like I could never I would want control over that. But I guess for some people, their image when they're not being like a character, they don't care about that much. Well, actors are empty husks.

But wouldn't you work on building that empty husk to be something impressive? They're constantly being filled with that external content, whereas you have to write your own stuff and be producing it on your own. I'm glad that I can do that. I guess it's like if they were, if, you know, a dancer or something was doing, they would put more work into dancing on TV than I would. Sure. Except no, I worked really hard. You kind of would expect that, like, people just don't want to look like a total, like, idiot on TV. But I think so many people are okay with it.

Sometimes actors do write their own thing, and it goes much worse. Oh, I had an experience on the VMAs one year where we wrote this thing for Paul Rudd and I think Rick Ross. Wow. What a combo. Because MTV was like, put them together. And then Rick Ross approved the thing. And then Paul Rudd was like, could I just take a stab at this? And he wrote the funniest possible. He's so funny.

It was so good that it was the best part of the show to me. What? And he rejected our draft wholesale. And no offense taken. You're like, respect. No, thank God. I'm like, of course. This is so much better.

He is so funny. You know that bit he does on Conan every time? Oh, man. People don't know about it It's like he goes on every He's done it probably 20 times I'm guessing Every appearance he's ever been on

Since Late Night Days He goes on and he says You know he's promoting a movie That's a real movie And then he pitches to the trailer Or like you know Oh we're gonna see a scene And he describes a whole scene

And maybe has a story behind it And it cuts to a scene from Mac and Me Which is like the McDonald's produced produced terrible E.T. ripoff. And it's a child. Wait, what's the scene? Will you describe it? A child is in a wheelchair.

He's the lead of the movie, and it immediately cuts to him speeding down a hill. Speeding down a hill. All you hear is a child going, and then he careens off of a cliff into water, speeding down a hill. Speeding down a hill. All you hear is a child going, ah, ah. And then he careens off of a cliff into water and then an alien pops up. And goes,

whoa. And that's it every time. And it's every time. And then he got him so good. He was doing his podcast, I think, and this was like after he hadn't done it

for a really long time. But even though he does it every time and he was describing a new, did you see this? It was like a new hadn't done it for a really long time but even though he does it every time and he was describing a new did you see this it was like a new podcast series he was gonna do like it was like a serious thing yeah he got really emotional about it he told like an 11 minute story about a new podcast he was doing is that

am I getting it right? no you're getting it right no no he completely made it up so that he could drop in Mac and Me and get Conan again after having done it for 20 times on his latest show. That's amazing. And Conan was so riveted by this really intense – it was like some kind of podcast about going back to your roots or something. I don't even know the context, but it was very serious.

So Conan was almost like taken aback, and it was really like a somber mood. He drops the wheelchair. somber moon it reminded me so much of um i mean conan is so amazing but i just forget entire eras of conan that like changed my life which was um late night days when he would do the the lever for the what's his name walker texas thank you walker texas ranger lever do you remember that no so they you nbc and Universal had a merger and he was like it's now we have the rights to Walker Texas Ranger and we can like for free use any of the footage so like you know we have a budget around here so they just decided to show clips out of context in the show and they're just like horrified like the weirdest and worst acting worst stunts

really just like outright like hilarious uh you know dialogue just awkward stuff so so out of context yes and it was all just so bad and it was like this thing that everyone looked forward to of like these clips that he would be like we have another one there was like a button he would hit that would like make it happen or a lever it was a lever yeah so then they did a lever where he was like i'm not doing it tonight and he'd be like crank and then it would just pop to a clip and it was just the timing was perfect but it got to the point where they were like he was like, I'm not doing it tonight. And then he'd be like, and then it would just pop to a clip and it was just, the timing was perfect. But it got to the point where they were like,

he was like, seriously, we can't do this anymore. Like we're running out. We don't have anymore. And he'd be like, actually to protect the lever because things have been getting weird around here.

We're having like a security guard here tonight and a security guard was like standing in front of it, like real serious. And then he just starts to have a heart attack on air and is falling down and grabs the lever and like save himself. Another time, like a hawk swooped down and goes, ah! And like hits

it. And so the final one that they show that, maybe not even the final one, it was one that he was like, we shouldn't be showing this and we've been saving this one. We can't show you. It's been a debate around here whether we should show you

and we're finally, I guess we're going to do it. And he goes, cut to the clip. And it was before there was a or we've it's been a debate around here whether we should show you and we're finally i guess we're gonna do it and he goes cut to the clip it was before there was like a lever and it's um hayley joel osment talking to walker texas ranger and he's with like the old man diabetes yeah and they're like hey little little ranger and he's like it's little uh you know what i forget what he's it's so bizarre like he's like saying it's like some indian name they gave him it's like oh it's little navajo chief like yeah and they're like okay little navajo chief and then the music gets really still and then hayley jossman is four years old by the way and he just goes walker told me i have aids i've seen that i don't know why i've seen that because they play it all the time

it's so funny there were just so many great Conan bits I mean he changed my life I mean he changed my life too like I truly wanted to work in Late Night

so bad when I discovered his show it like changed yes and like even his opening bit like I've watched it like a hundred times have you ever seen it

where it's basically him walking to New York and everyone's like, you're not going to be as good as Letterman. And then he goes into Dirty Rock and the guy in the elevator is like, hey, good luck. You're not going to be as good as Letterman. And then it's like two minutes of show time and he's like, perfect. And then he just ties the noose and he's like getting onto a chair.

And then the theme song starts playing and they're like, Conan, you got to get out there. And he's like, all right, I guess this could wait. Oh, that's great. That was the first opening. The first thing you see on a show starring a guy you've never heard of. How fucking smart of Lorne Michaels to pull him from, he was nobody to anyone except that kind of crowd. And even within the writing crowd, he was like, everyone knew him as a performer, but no one was like, this guy's destined for on camera.

He was really kind of plucked out of nowhere, at least to his peers, I think, even. They didn't see it coming. They did not see it coming. There's this book about the Simpsons writers room, and he's like, I'm auditioning to be the host of the late night show. And then they're all making fun of him, being like, that's never going to happen. Oh my God. They thought he was getting like led on.

Wow. They're pranking you, Conan. He's such a one, like he's just, he's the best. Every time I'm around him, I just can't help but tell him. But I always forget like all of the things that I, like all of the memories of like, I was even talking about, remember Jay Leno used to do headlines?

Sure. And then Conan would do like fake headlines, or like no, real headlines, I was even talking about, remember Jay Leno used to do headlines? Sure. And then Conan would do like fake headlines or like no real headlines. I think it was called. Yeah, like actual. Actual headlines. Actual headlines. Because, okay, so this is wild. Okay.

So this weekend I remembered this bit and I was like, we got to watch. I have to, I was talking to Ari and Anya and Matt about it backstage. And I'm like, it was so, because we were talking about Leno doing headlines and how I would look forward to it so much as a kid. It was like my favorite thing in the world. And then I thought I was like talking, we were talking about it. I go, wait, did you think they like made those up?

And then I was like, of course they did. Like, it's like, it was like how I remembered Santa. Cause I was like, they were so good. They were so weird. It would be like, you know, like I'm trying to think of things that would happen. But they couldn't keep that up. I'm sure some of them were real. But there's no way they could keep up the demand of every Monday.

Because it was every Monday. And it would be like, you know, like, every week they'd have like a long-weighing wedding. Yes. And it's like. Yes. Yes. Every single week. But they have people watching who sent in headlines.

I'm sure they got thousands and thousands of submissions. I know, but I'm sure they... So that's what I said out loud. And then I go, actually, oh my God, I think Conan had a parody of it called Actual Items. That's what it was called. Actual Items. And so he would do the same thing where he would take like, oh, we got this. He would do the same board where Leno would kind of take the board on the edge of the desk,

and they would zoom in. And he would say the name of the newspaper and when it ran and then it would be just some ad. What were the ones this weekend? Like, like it would be an outdoor pool and it would you zoom and he goes, this looks nice as outdoor pool. It's two hundred and ninety nine dollars. It looks like all the kids are having fun. What I'm really disturbed by is right here and it would zoom and it would would just be this little tagline that says perfect for even the biggest white trash family. Something like that that would just be so funny.

I thought you were going to say there's another outdoor pool one. Oh my god. It's the hardest I've ever laughed. Truly, it's my favorite joke ever on TV. Outdoor pool, then there was a little faded boy, and it's like, this is the pool I died in. That funny but then i go wait a second so then i pulled up a clip of it and in it conan is

like mocking jay leno so fucking hard with like disdain of like you know leno does uh headlines we do that too and you know how and leno? We do that too. And you know how, and Leno's are real. Ours are real too. And Leno's are too because why wouldn't they be real? That would be a big waste of everyone's time. And he says it right to camera.

And I'm like, oh my God. This bit was born of them being like, his most popular thing, they're writing and it's fake. And I traced the feud feedback a little bit before. Like, I'm not kidding you. There was disdain. Yeah.

For what Lennon was doing comedically as there should have been if the allegations were true. Even if the allegations are of the headlines being fake, I still think that's impressive writing. That's still funny. Like the headlines were still funny.

Someone wrote those all right well this is the difference between okay you can't it's funnier it gets so much funnier that it was a random happenstance that that was misspelled in a way that made it pornographic that is that people are relying on that sense and you're lying it's magic someone still had to write that yes but it's that mishap but it's you're not telling the truth yeah and i don't know it just bothers me for some reason yeah i'm not i wouldn't want to write that it bothers i can understand that i mean i loved headlines growing up i loved them but i liked the fact that they were they were real me too actual items is like my favorite guest piece ever like i'm

it feels like when i when i went to a birthday party laura hollies i know you're listening in fifth grade and her mom had a psychic there and the psychic told me that i was gonna be like an a famous actress or like it told me everything i wanted to hear and i was just like so fucking happy because there was no indication that that was ever going to happen to me. But it was like my deepest desire. And I was like, oh my God, like, you know, who knows if this stuff is real,

but she like said that like, I'm going to do it. And then I found out her mom had hired their neighbor to dress up like a gypsy. And like, then she called our parents to get reconnaissance on us to then tell us what we wanted to be and what we wanted to hear. And so I. That's crazy.

It's crazy. That's child abuse. That's. I was so. None of my friends are upset. They were like, oh, who cares? I was like, this is not. Like, I cried.

I was like, why would you do this? What is the point of all this? It made me so fucking mad. But she was right. Well. Maybe the headlines are real. Maybe the headlines are real. What is the point of all this? It made me so fucking mad. But she was right. Maybe the headlines are real. Maybe the headlines are real. One day you're going to be a famous comedian.

You're going to host the Golden Globe. Why would you do this to me? Find that lady. Yeah, who was that? I remember. I bet they're still friends. Kathy, I think her name was. Oh, my gosh. But I knew Kathy, too.

And I was like, ugh. She was wearing sunglasses and a shirt like oh i like she was wearing like sunglasses and like a shot like oh so she was in disguise yes she dressed as a gypsy woman and it was in a dark room with all these candles but every gypsy woman predicting the future is lying um yeah she's an authentic but i was in fifth grade i was so i just and the same with santa i'm just like i'm not into lies just for wonderment and for like fun. Well, I'm personally, I've, but whoever wrote Santa,

I respect. I personally like the, the old Nordic, who wrote Santa? Ancient, who, someone did. Jesus?

I don't know. Una Leeson. Who? No, that's John Leeson. Wait, your, did you celebrate Christmas at all?

Yeah, no, I celebrated Christmas. Did you believe in Santa? Yeah, yeah, I did. There was actually, I had a fireplace and one, I celebrated Christmas. Did you believe in Santa? Yeah. Yeah, I did. There was actually, I had a fireplace

and one, I don't remember what happened, but there was a crack in the fire. There's like a little glass panes on the doors. Yeah. And there was a crack on it.

And one day I was like, what's that crack? And he's like, oh, this year Santa busted the glass a little bit. And then for like six, seven years, I was like,

fucking Santa, he's fucked up our fireplace. Why don't you fix it, Santa? That's the shit that I don't like is this, like, my parents would, like, chew on carrots and, like, there was, like, effort put into making me look like a fucking idiot. Chew on carrots? Oh, for Easter? Sorry.

Santa came in here and chewed up a bunch of our carrots. Yeah, sorry. For the Easter bunny. That was the one that was, like, he got into the carrots and I was really like, whoa, he trashed our kitchen. Like, what an asshole. Like, I kind of felt the same way like fuck that as a parent who has to do this stuff i i don't i wouldn't know what to do i'm biting carrots with my two front teeth to get the more funny well you want to fill your child with wonder i mean because all and then

all of his friends at school are going to be like the Easter Bunny came and then you do you want your kid to be the one that's like Easter Bunny's not real you dumb fuck it's starting it's starting I'm watching it seep in because he's like

oh my friend told me that Santa's not real and that's a great way to find out your friend's a liar yeah yeah yeah you just have to yeah maybe he's just

really bad yeah and make him distress his friend who's only telling him the truth right your friend does drugs yeah but i just want him to be young forever yeah i know of course i think a little bit of wonder is good early on and then you know you don't want to dash it but i think discovering

something in that way but they don't have the wonder conspiracy theory that like turns into thinking you know we never landed on the moon if If you don't believe me, Santa. There are some people who get the wonder and then just grow up with joy and then become like a healthy, happy person. That's true. I don't like being misled by the people who love me. Even if it's for, because Santa doesn't like, yeah, maybe if it means like we have to stay quiet at night to like, we have to play a game of like, it's quiet and we're in war zone or something. But like, don't make up a man coming into our house and giving me gifts that you bought. Like it's okay for me to know

that and probably I would spoil it for my friends, but it reminds me of like my parents. I just homeschool my kids. You can't have friends. My parents got divorced, separated, and then for my bar mitzvah, they pretended to still be together. Wow. Because they didn't want to look bad at the bar mitzvah.

Oh, that wasn't your gift? Yeah. No, they gave me. I got seven grand. I bought a jet ski that I think lost in the tornado. But yeah, no, they sang You Got Me, Babe at my bar mitzvah. How long had they been separated? Oh, they hated each other for years before thisvah how long have they been separated or divorced they hated each other

for years before this but like how long have they been living apart or not talked probably about six months I think at that point

from what I remember at your bar mitzvah you knew they were separated yes I was like what is this and I'm Jewish so I couldn't

save face from their friends in the community every family does this and like there's like a deep shame in the family and then in public, everyone acts like it's okay and that fucks with kids.

So if you can avoid doing that to your kid if you're listening. Yeah, he should have punched my mom at the bar mitzvah to show everyone. Or at least talk about, hey, because mommy and daddy are separated and it's something that people might think bad about us, we're gonna pretend to be together

and I'm so sorry we have to play pretend? Like, talk about what you're doing. Maybe? I don't know. He's 13. I mean, he's a man now. Yeah, you had just become a man. I should have handled it.

Shrouding family shame. My whole bar mitzvah was about dealing with my parents. You're like, I'm just trying to get a handjob. Why are you guys pretending to love each other? Yeah, I was trying to get a handjob by one of the dancers that was at the party. Oh, yeah? Like an older one. Really?

She was like 20, and I was like, ah. I've never been to a hard mids folk song. I had a white tux on. But it sounds so horny. Like every one of my friends' stories. I wouldn't have been horny at 13. I was still a kid at 13. It's too early.

Is that when it happens? No, it's not quite horny. No, it happens. It's secret horny, if anything. It's so funny you're not horny when you're a man. You know man yeah i mean i didn't have pubic hair for another two years after becoming a man throw that man thing on you yeah i wouldn't be horny i think calling a 13 year old a man is a little bit it's too it's ahead of the game there isn't it 18 i think 18 is when you should legally be called a man but this is like you're dealing with some like year one type stuff.

Well, we don't have year one. What's year one? I know nothing. Oh, I was talking like, you know, it's 2024. Well, I guess we do have a year one. Oh, year one. You have a year one,

but it's not the year one that you were saying. I hear one, and I don't even think it could be a year. Yeah, this was one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know that. I found that out too late every anytime people start talking about religious stuff i get like really horny horny i get clammed up which is

another way of saying horny but yeah i get like uh i don't know anything about it like i it's i feel shame that i don't don't know anything about religion yeah like i don't know the base it's like the way i felt about football for a while yeah Yeah, but you can learn. You just gotta watch the games. Yeah. You gotta do the roast of Jesus or something. Yeah. You'll make three million

off of it. You'll love it. Like I don't know all the books. I don't know the difference between the Old and the New Testament. I literally don't know what happens that splits those two. I know that they exist.

I don't know who Job is. I don't know who Cain and Abel exactly are. I don't know who Judas is. I feel't know who Cain and Abel exactly are. I don't know who Judas is. I feel like in Jeopardy, though, like Jeopardy questions, you would know them. I just know these names, but I don't know anything. Literally, I can't tell you anything. You know about Noah's Ark? Yeah. You know who Moses is?

Moses and the Red Sea and the tablet. She's not Evan Almighty. Yeah, I did see that. I just know, like, kind of not a, like, are there any subjects that you guys feel like deep shame that you don't, you're, like, pretty dumb at? I don't feel ashamed about it, but I don't know anything really at all about, like, art. I don't know anything about presidents, like, outside of, like, this century.

Okay, that's an interesting one. Yeah, like, I'm like, I wish I knew more about. I know so much about presidents. I'm just constantly referencing Millard Fillmore. He was your go-to? I wish I knew someone else. That was a funny era of names. Every time I see you, I'm going to give you a president fact.

I would like that too. You will learn about presidents. Howard Taft, our fattest president, died in a bathtub. I knew that. I did know that. What about Millard Fillmore? What do you got? Millard Fillmore.

A fact about Millard. I don't have a fact about Millard Fillmore. He sounds like a 70s pop icon. Wait, how did he die in a bath? He drowned? He was too fat. Or no, he got stuck in a bath. He got stuck in a bath.

I don't know if he died in it, actually. Wait, this is... He didn't die in it. Maybe he did die in it. Conan is one that gives present facts all the time. His knowledge in general is astounding. Okay, here's a present fact. Did you know that Bill Clinton got his dick sucked?

I did know that. Oh, you did? Wait, you know what I said the other day? We have to go to break, but before we go to break, do you know what I said? I referenced the other day on set. I was doing a photo shoot, and I had a cigar, and I was naked on a bike for this photo shoot. And so I was like, oh, I'll just put it up here like I because it was like my vagina was right there

and I go and everyone was horrible I was like like Bill Clinton and everyone was like what no one knew that reference I'm like did you know that Monica put a cigar up her vagina I did not know until you just said it just now really you never knew that detail I only knew that that's all I knew too that's the

president factor I didn't even know what was on the dress. I had no knowledge of like cum yet at this point in my life, but I knew that she stuck a, and I thought it was kind of cool. I remember. Why did she put it in her vagina? I thought it was kind of nasty in like a cool way. I think it is kind of.

I remember being like, that's gross and kind of like, because I've put like weird, like one time famously, not famously, but notoriously put a Sour Patch Kid in my vagina, like a jelly worm or something.

My boyfriend's favorite candy. It came out sour, I think. I was picking him up from the airport and I knew he would finger me right away, like without a question. So I put his favorite snack in my vagina. As a joke. Because it would just be so funny

for him to be like, why is my favorite candy? It's the funniest thing you've ever done. That's the funniest thing anyone's ever done. He did not think it was funny, and I understand that now. But I think, because Chris, I would never do that to Chris, because Chris would just be like, he doesn't want to combine. But this guy was a little bit grosser, but even he didn't like it. But I think I got that idea from originally Monica being like, yeah, put things up there that are funny.

Yeah. No, it's so funny. I mean, like, the president doing that, that's like kinky ass shit. Kinky ass shit. We got to go to break. We'll be back after this.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious, satirical takes

on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheartartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I have to reapply my lip gloss because I'm learning from Gen ZM that she's like, put on your lip gloss.

It gives you an instant boost of confidence. And I'm like, it actually is working. It's like the new nervous thing to do. Some people have chapstick. Some people have, do you guys have any nervous habits smoking biting my nails biting my nails

yeah yeah it gives you something to do I'm trying not to for the wedding so because they have that photo with your hands and I just have

these little stumpy disgusting alien hands have someone pose in for you for your hands it'd be funny cause who gives a shit

about your hands in a photo? Get Rusty to do it. Yeah, Rusty would do it. I know Rusty bites his nails. Yeah, yeah. Rusty. I don't know if I have one friend with good hands. That's so funny.

You're worried about that hand photo. Yeah. How are you feeling ahead of the wedding? I feel good. I mean, I'm a little nervous about it. Your voice got so high. You did not. You had a classic lying tone.

Put on some lip gloss. Soothe with the lip gloss. I would, but I actually Put on some lip gloss Soothe with the lip gloss I would But I actually hate Putting lip gloss on Oh really you don't like it I hate the feeling It makes me feel

Like too hot Your mom and dad Are going to go to the wedding And pretend to be together I feel like Have you started your vows That's what I'm scared about And I was debating

On going to chat GPT About it No We're good friends No way You're a comedian I'm scared about and I was debating on going to chat GPT about it no we're good friends are you are you worried about your like friends and family like thinking it's funny are you worried about her thinking it's enough in terms of your feelings are you feeling are you insecure okay so just nail that. Don't worry about anything else.

Which one did you say? Talking from the heart and really- You're afraid that you're not going to be able to express? Well, when I got married to her, or when I got- Engaged. When I engaged her, I can't talk anymore,

but I got down on a knee and I go, will you marry me? That's how I said it. I'm not even- Because you were like- I wasn't trying to be funny. That's just how it came out. Yeah.

Yeah. I had anxiety and I wasn't trying to be funny because you had anxiety that's just how it came out yeah I had anxiety and I wasn't trying to be funny it's hard at the time literally the most earnest thing you could do and it's so it is so hard

I like I fucked up mine all my friends fucked up theirs oh I felt very weird I can't imagine doing it sincerely

just to say anything like really it's very hard to be that vulnerable especially like at a park on your knee Where your family is watching Actually strangers were watching

Which actually was even more vulnerable I was like I don't want anyone to see this But I want everyone to see it So just challenge yourself to be Like say Just write the speech that you think Write exactly what you think she wants to hear yeah

yeah but you know and don't even say what you want to say be super yeah yeah I'm kidding say what you want to say

but like also try to nail what she wants to hear and don't worry about anyone else be super earnest and then just do the Jim Gaffigan voice like making fun of yourself

after a bit yes yes she does like hot pockets I don't know it's going to be great because it's going to be a mixture of both and even if it sucks,

it'll be great. And we're not doing it. Even if it's like nervous and rambling. We're not doing it in front of people. I don't know what y'all did. We're doing generic in front

and then on the beach the morning of, we're doing it. Oh, so you're like just saying this to her? Yeah. Oh, that's so sweet. Then just write a poem.

She hits the bottle. She goes full throttle. She goes full throttle. He wrote a poem she hits the bottle she goes full throttle she goes full throttle he wrote a poem in college that was between us about his mom's and the podcast

we used to do about his mom's drinking and his friends found it and it was like my fraternity and my frat she hits the bottle

she hits the bottle she went full throttle now she waddles Waddles? Yeah She's on oxygen So it's bad Which sounds like

A good song actually Yeah no The lyrics were tight It's a wall and hit I like that phrase It's like an Everclear song Yeah No I'm very good at

A B A B Or what it's Just the simplest Rhyming A B It's so sweet. That's not good for a vow. I think it makes me laugh because it's just so embarrassing. No, you don't want to rhyme in your vows.

Brenna, you are my girl. You're my world. You're like a henna tattoo. It's so, like, that is my worst fear is like if I try to write sincere poetry in a moment where I thought I was kind of like sweet and then someone like. No, this is the saddest part. I had Mono in the frat house and i was listening to garth brooks but not garth brooks his alter ego chris gay chris games and

it's the saddest in a black light writing poetry on the floor because i probably had anchovies in my bed and i was anchovies i whatever it was the 90s and also he okay wait this is a running theme of like you remember when your brother gave you ice cream and it was sour cream but you just liked it yeah trick them i got him what about what they put a fish in your bed no no they didn't yeah they put anchovies under my bed for the whole year, my freshman year, and I had no idea. And I was like, man, I am. They were just putting them in your bed quietly and slowly and you never noticed? Yeah, under my mattress.

And was it stinking? Of course, but he just was twisting. I had no sheets on my bed freshman year. I was completely depressed. I actually needed that. You know what? Maybe it maybe it is it's so sad i'm sorry for you but it is funny too oh dude my clothes i was a horrible roommate let's not get it twisted i let i all my clothes were on the floor my buddy at one point packed up all my

clothes and he put it in the hallway and he threatened to light it on fire i was i was just you know i i don't know i was a horrible you know i did a shithead for many years of my life i get it well it's because i grew up i grew up though i was i was i had a net how to take care of yourself on your own yeah i had a laundry lady i had a you know that it would be insane you getting dropped off at college when you had literally never done a load of laundry i would throw the laundry in the laundry room i go laundry's ready annette and i would throw it and i go oh man don't even look me in the eyes annette i thought she was living uh no she pretty much we had another lady there five days a week jeffy was an older black woman who took care of

me taught me how to drive when i was 12 and sing from the chest. That was her thing. That's a good tip. It didn't work, though. I sing horribly. I like that, though. I think that is a good tip. What about when you were wiping the cum?

Which time? Who's cum? I'm sorry to relive these moments. No, no, I love it. I don't talk about it enough. I think about it. You guys had to move out of the house and it was revealed like this giant slick that you had created on the

carpet over years of just like dropping loads with your hand what were you dropping the load like underneath on the carpet like you know between the wall and the bed frame or whatever you know a booger wall i had to come yeah the bed. You know, it wasn't far enough under the bed where you... I was so lazy. It was the side. It was the side. I relate to this. Yeah, yeah.

And it clumped up and then... Clumped up? This is a liquid. It's supposed to go away. No, no. What happened with your cum? Cum hardened. Yeah, cum hardened.

Cum is like paint. No, it's like the yellow liquid. It is absolutely... It's a gel that hardens. You've been pissing in your throat for a while. It causes a crust. It crusts in a very... It's crusty as fuck, dude.

Disgusting way. Even in water, it crusts. Yeah. I learned that the hard way, too. So why didn't you use a napkin or a sock? He was too lazy. Not even a sock or in your sheet? What is this? What are you, too. So why didn't you use a napkin or a sock? He was too lazy. Not even a sock or in your sheet? What is this?

What are you, Dr. Seuss? When you were in high school. Dr. Seuss? You're in high school in this situation, right? Wait, what's that? You're in high school? I'm like 14. Yeah.

Did you not do it on a fox? You're not thinking about cleaning this up. You know what it was? You're thinking about getting the sin out of your body. I just thought about this. I haven't even thought about this until right now. My little brother was in the top bunk. Yeah.

And I think I didn't want to get caught walking with, you know, cum hands. Yes. We've all done that where we cuff it. And also, you didn't want to go, like, you're a lazy teen. And you don't think it's going to harden into a thing that you could see. What did it look like? I mean, how many years of cum is this? It was slick.

Like, it looked like a skid mark. It was like, it made its own clump. Was it look like? I mean, how many years have come? A slick. Like, it looked like a skid mark. It was like, it made its own car. Was it like thick? It looked like a full-grown four-year-old. Just billions and billions. How many months? He looked at me and goes, I have AIDS. Years have come?

It was a good two years build up. Was it thick or was it just like a mark? It was thick. It was thick? It's everything you don't want it to be. Wait, when did you say this? Did you see anyone see it? I've heard.

No, I think when we moved out of the house, my mom, I can't remember whether or not she had a conversation. But I feel like in my mind. I bet this is a common thing that mothers deal with. Of course. They just find out that they're... Calm slicks on carpets. Well, my dad found my penis pump, and he's never mentioned it. I was like, in high school, I was obsessed with finding different lubricants and just

seeing what they would do and like... To your penis? Yes. And like, it would hurt. Like, finding out that shampoo straight up doesn't work. One time I used my mom's bronzer. Because it stings? Oh, no.

I used my mom's bronzer in junior year of high school. And I walked into the high school. And my hand was completely orange. And everyone knew instantly I couldn't get it off. Why don't you rub it all over then? What the fuck? What did you think would happen? Did you think your dick would get orange?

I thought it was body lotion and it was bronzer. So my penis and hand were just orange for like a week and a half. Oh my God. It stays on there. Did it work though? Oh yeah, it's horrible to get off your foot. Oh yeah, it's the worst thing. When you get a spray tan, it is the worst.

You just avoid your palms and your feet because it's there's nothing there's no like alcohol or anything you cannot get it off you just have to wait it's like sharpie it's straight up racist dude i'm just imagining your dick with a perfect hand grip oh my god i was like i was horrified because i was just like hiding my hand and then the first time someone saw it they were like did you masturbate with brock i'm like how did you get that right away oh my god wait someone actually said that yeah your friend uh no it was a girl in my homeroom uh wow it's so brutal when you just fucking nail it yeah like that's was always this i just wanted to disappear in middle school and high school when I started noticing that some kids would just have your number

and fucking say it out loud in a way that could be so devastating. There were moments where I was like, I'll kill myself if someone reveals this thing I'm thinking about myself. I literally was like, it will suck that I have to kill myself. I wouldn't have survived with social media. No fucking way. But I used to pray to God so many times that a certain boy wouldn't be there the next day because i wanted to wear some like shoes that if he called out like i knew he would call them out he's the only boy that that was that clever to like make fun of like my new style

and i would pray that he wouldn't be there and that he would and i'd have to go into the nurse's office to like lie and go home because of just avoiding insults. Final thought. Did you relate to that at all? Or did you just zing them back? I don't know. My freshman year, the penis bump, everyone found it. And my whole freshman year, my roommate found my penis bump and then he called every girl.

This is to make it bigger? No, smaller actually. I was too big. I actually used the deflate way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Switching reverses. Caused a hemorrhoid, though, which is weird. It sucks so hard.

But anyway, so I ended up getting caught by everyone. And I think in comparison to that. But they called all the girls. And he was waiting. He was at his dorm. He had just done a gravity bong hit at someone else's dorm room. He comes back to his dorm room. All the girls from his dorm. He had just done a gravity bong hit at someone else's dorm room. He comes back to his dorm room. All the girls from his dorm and his-

And all the guys. All the guys. Every cool person, second week freshman year. Are with his penis bump. He whips it. He walks out. And he's like, what the hell? I thought it was a party.

I'm like, woo, freshman year. And he's like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, and I was so high. What college was this? Huh? Tulane in New Orleans. Oh, brother. These people, they're cruel. For college? That's so cruel What college was this? Huh? Tulane In New Orleans Oh brother These people

They're cruel For college That's so cruel For college So cruel Unless it's your frat Which is like a hazing thing But for a dorm to do that

That's just cruel Yeah where you never Met the guy before Yeah it was cruel Were they knowing Where your shit Or did you have it out? Okay I made a mistake

By Oh no By putting it On the girl's bed no no i put it like in a drawer and my buddy was looking for a lighter usually i would hide it where you had to go through in like nine different bags to find it sure so i used it for the first time and i put it in the drawer and then my buddy and he's like what the and you're walking around with a bigger dick right now like Like, so calm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know how well it worked.

Yeah, that's the shame. Did it work? It worked decent. You had to clip it after you pump it. What do you mean clip it? Oh, clip your, so the blood doesn't leave it. The blood stays in, yeah. So it pumps blood to your dick so it fills up as much as possible.

It's not like it's permanently making your dick bigger. And then you have to clamp your dick so that the blood doesn't go back to your body. And I don't know where I put the clamp. So it came with a clamp? I believe it came with a clamp. I don't think that's, that sounds like unhealthy for you to do. Of course, but he was a freshman and he wanted to have a bigger dick. And I had lotion in it too.

It looked, it looked. Oh yeah, because you're dealing with all those Cajun sized dicks. Oh, compared to, well, I met a bunch of football players at Boston College and they were like all six foot five. They were like going to the NFL and they all at Boston College, and they were like all six foot five. They were like going to the NFL, and they all had dick pumps. So they were like, it's like bench press, but for your dick. I forgot that detail of it. Yeah.

So you've been encouraged by these big dick guys. Yeah. And I was visiting Boston College. I was like hanging out with all these folks, and I was like, I got to get one right when I get home. And I found the one sex shop in my small town called Southern Exposure. And I went in. It's still there.

Northern Exposure is only a TV show, right? There wasn't another phrase. So that's the only, that's what they were. They made the entire sex shop as a pun off of Northern Exposure, the TV show from the 90s. Because Northern Exposure isn't something on its own, right? Outside of the TV show. I guess other than like Northern Exposure isn't something on its own, right? Outside of the TV show. I guess other than like light and apartments.

Yeah, no. The one with the moose? It would be like going right now to like Hung Sheldon. There you go. Right on the way. Bravo. That was so good. You're so right.

You could write for headlines. Oh, easily. Easily. That was so good. You're so right. You could write for headlines. Oh, easily. Easily. That was perfect. All right, now that we're halfway through the podcast, I'm going to put the headphones on. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, we have a couple minutes left. Should we all put them on and just see the final moment drops off? Hear the vibe change. So we're back on. Yes, this becomes a more like just self-aware auditory moment. You know, you're just like hearing yourself. Where do you clip the thing? Exactly.

Oh, at the base. At the base? Well, you have to find a vein? We're not talking about the headphones, by the way. Back to the dick pump. The dick pump. You clip it at the base.

Is it like two sides? What does the clip look like? Like a standard clip. And then when do you show this to a woman? Do you unclamp it? And will there be a clamp mark from like having it clamped all night at the bar? No.

It would be a severe dent. No, you'd have to pump when you get home, which is a very... And then you clamp it while you... There's no way to do it. How long does it take to pump? So wait, is she just on your bed as you're pumping away? Yeah, what was the plan? You want to know something that's crazy?

I never did it with a woman. That's crazy. That's the least crazy thing I've ever heard. Isn't that crazy? I honestly just did it to jerk off and not feel like my dick's small. That would be nice though, probably. Yeah, it was nice to finally have some meat in my hand. So it did work.

Yeah, my hand could barely... You should have sat on your hand so that it felt like someone else was jerking someone else's dog. Gigantic dick. I sat on someone other guy's dick so then he wouldn't feel my hand. Pumping your penis is the reverse

what's it called? The stranger. You can keep your hand feeling and your dick is on it. Yeah, you're just giving a handjob to someone else. It's the dream. It's the dream. Yeah, honestly, it didn't feel like a stranger's dick, because there was blood in it. Yeah, well, the problem with male sex toys is that they're big.

They're cumbersome, because guys have to like fuck things. And women's can have little like, this is a little lipstick. Well, we have the fleshlight. The pocket pussy. And the fleshlight is a cumbersome thing that has a receptacle in it. You've got to wash it out. I've actually seen one. Oh, you haven't?

No. We had one on Not Safe, I think. It looks like a- I had one at your house. Like a flashlight, I assume. No, bigger. Like a mag light. A mag light.

Yeah, yeah. It kind of looks like a wrap gift water bottle you get. Yeah, yes, yes. Totally. Yeah, I tried it. The sex toy was the blowjob one, and it came with a mouth. Oh, yeah. This is like a battery-operated thing.

Wait, did I get those for free? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It was very nice. Did it work? Did it feel good? Or was it like a foot massager kind of thing where you're like, it's nice, but I'm not going to use it all the time.

It was better with a real person. Yeah. You're like, my mouth works better than this. It's going to actually write my vows. I'm pretty excited. It felt good. It's a little dry, but I like that. I don't know.

Was it like a porn star's mouth? Because I know they do that. Yeah, they do those. Yeah, it was Ron Jeremy. It came with the mustache. I was like, dude, it's not gay though. It's not gay because there's no dick.

It's just mouth. That's not gay if it's just a mouth. No, it could be anybody's mouth. If you can't see it, if you don't look down. I can't believe you're going to be married in less than a week. Yeah, I'll have a ring on my finger, which feels so adult. This will be a three-husband podcast when we all get together.

I've just realized you guys are all married. Which is pretty cool. It's pretty cool. Pretty cool, guys. I feel like you're going to get married one of these days. Yeah, I'm open to it. I think it's fun because you can get divorced, and that makes me feel. There's always an out. I have to say that's the biggest reason I want to to it. I think it's fun because you can get divorced, and that makes me feel. There's always an out.

I have to say that's the biggest reason I want to get married. Because you can get divorced. And if I were to marry Chris, I would not want to get a divorce. But because you can, I would be more likely to. I would literally never get married if you couldn't get a divorce. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Do you think people would? I don't think so. But people have kids, and you couldn't get a divorce ever ever ever ever ever i can't do you think people would i don't think so but people have kids and you can't divorce those they can divorce you of child actors in the 90s but uh that is true they can reverse it on you but um

but no do you think that if people uh would you if you were locked in and it was like illegal yep and you could you will never be able to get out of this. I mean, I think a lot of women would get trapped in marriages just like in the olden days. Yeah. Okay. And men. In the olden days, it was like you would be forced to marry and then it would be so shameful and societally forbidden to divorce that you would just be trapped. Right.

And people would get married all the time, because there was nothing else to do. But now do you think they were trapped? Would that still happen? Because there's more to do for women and men. I can see some people being like, even though it's illegal to divorce, you need to prove to me that you're committed and get married and force it. It really isn't that like it's a cool thing to do. And I like the party and i like the ceremony and

i like saying how you feel about each other and establishing like we're doing this now and if we want to stop doing it it's going to be very inconvenient but it isn't impossible and uh if that's why i am impressed when people just when they don't do prenups i think that's kind of as close as you can get we're not doing i don't have a prenup either yeah i don't have a prenup i i just don't expect to make that much money. Yeah, my wife makes more money than me. Okay, well then maybe

it was smart in your case. I know, yeah. My wife and I... We tricked them. Yeah, we tricked them. All of our parents were in loveless marriages to the very end,

so we just are assuming that is worst case scenario and best case scenario as we love each other forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, because that's true. But I feel like, and I even with a prenup, I'm not someone who's like, I want all my money and I'm going to fuck you over.

Like I even told Chris, like if we get married, yes, we will have something in place. But I'm never, like if we decide to get married and do this, I know that you're going to sacrifice so much to have us be successful with my career. And so I'll fucking take care of you if we decide to call it quits. You know, I got you. Like, I'll do it. I'll do it. You would not.

No one would get screwed marrying me. Yeah. I don't like those when they're like, I'm going to leave with fucking nothing. And it's like I have a whole new bit right now where I'm convincing women to let their husbands go to prostitutes. It's my new mission to be like, if you're not doing it, let them go. It's not a threat to you. And I think I'm going to prove a point

in a way that might get people to be like, she's kind of right, maybe. There might be a portion of the audience that then changes their mind. I honestly think, I will say this weekend, after I did a joke about male babysitters being pedophiles, there was someone after the show, I did a meet and greet,

and someone said, you changed a guy's life in the bathroom because we were at the urinals. And he was like, I got a male babysitters being pedophiles there was a someone after the show i did a meet and greet and someone said you changed a guy's life in the bathroom because we were at the urinals and he was like i got a male babysitter tonight i'm i'm fucking i'm like scared now and i'm like yes and i didn't do the part of the bit that i'm glad i didn't that uh is devastating where i go like you don't have to go home uh i'm not gonna say the joke but um uh but i didn't mean to scare that guy that way. But also, his kids are going to be way safer now. How many prostitutes are you talking about? Like one a month?

However much he wants to come in a safe way that is not going to give you an infection. Are you working on your vows right now? And that's our show. Thank you so much for listening. This is why I'm using chat GPT. No change with the headphones, I'd say. Thank you, Sean O'Connor. Thank you, Andrew Collin. Yeah, no change.

Same vibe. Brian Frangie, Noah, sorry that we didn't get to talk to you today, but you were here in spirit, and I loved watching you laugh over there. Thanks, besties. We only have one episode this week. Is that okay to tell them? Yeah. Yes.

Sorry. I just have a huge busy week. I'm doing promo shoot for the uh golden globe so you'll start seeing those commercials and i didn't have time to do two but you've gotten a couple weeks of three and so i feel like i deserve this break um even though i don't love it so i'm so sorry but um check out my tour come see me lots more tour dates just added nicki glazer.com slash tour um i'll see you out there and we'll see you next week on the show uh bye don Don't be scared. Bye.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcast. Created and hosted by me, Nikki Glaser. Co-hosted by Brian Frangie. Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Han Sani, and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lean and Loaf. Video production

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