The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #485 The Writers' Room, Warm Sushi & When Your Partner Tries, Be Nice!

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

Halloween really brings out the kids who lack social etiquette. Nikki had a fun dad growing up, a side she sees in her boyfriend and one she enjoys playing with. Nikki and Anya talk about some of their favorite spots to eat while on the road, but Brian wants to put certain restaurants on notice. Nikki has curated a writers' room with the funniest comedians she calls friends for Sports on Prime. She and Brian share their experience at a recent football game. While still contemplating the challenge Nikki is setting up for herself, they try to suggest ways for Nikki to "stop being bad." In the Final Thought, Nikki shares her outrage over hearing a woman berate her partner and why Sean O'Connor got her thinking about Home Improvement. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It is Thursday It is Wednesday where we are But yes, it's a happy Halloween to everyone Happy Halloween everybody Do you guys have Halloween plans? I'm dressed up like Nikki, Nikki's dressed up like me And? I'm dressed up like Nikki Nikki's dressed up like me And Anya's dressed up like Noah Are you guys doing anything for Halloween?

Absolutely not But you have a house though So kids might be coming through They might but we don't want to see children So we just are going to go in the basement I think And turn off the porch light You're going to pretend you're dead? I kind of want to give them stuff,

but Matt is a little bit of a curmudgeon or just like, he doesn't want to deal with it. Well, whatever you do, don't leave out a bucket of candy. Yeah. And say,

take it at, take one, please. Yeah. No way. Wow. Who are those people? to like two hours of your night,

right? Yeah. Answering the door. And, but it's like, I think it's a commitment to like two hours of your night right yeah answering the door and but it's like i think it's cute i've never lived in a house and gotten to do it but i think the dog gets freaked out oh yeah that'll be too stressed out for the dog yeah the dog is gonna go nuts just turn off that porch light and i could do that for sure for sure do you think the take one please people really is it is it like a husband whose wife was like, you got to put out some candy if we're going to go on this trip.

And then he goes, fine. Or is it like some innocent, naive woman or man who's like, they're going to just take one. I will say that most people do take, I think, take one or two. I don't think anyone takes all of it. I mean, I'm sure. Yes, I do believe that happens. No, they take all of it. Really? I mean, I guess, if you're with little, if early on at like the three o'clock hour, the four o'clock hour, the little kids will

just like take one with their parents, but as soon as the middle schoolers come out, that whole bowl is gone instantly. I gotta say, when I was handing out candy at my sister's house a couple years ago, I was horrified by how kids don't say thank you. And I'm not one of those people that's like, say thank you. I don't really care about that stuff generally when I'm dealing with kids.

But just these kids snatching it and then walking away. And their parents are standing right there like, say thank you. What happened to that? That was just drilled into me as a kid. You say please say thank you like what happened to that like that was just drilled into me as a kid you say please and thank you and it's like these kids and their parents just come on it's like you just watch your kid be so rude and just grab candy with i just i was like i couldn't believe i was like this next generation is fucked there's like no like courtesy and they're on the internet there's this guy thank you on the

yeah you don't say thank you you say fuck you on the internet you're so right there's this guy in our town that we used to walk his dog without a leash which drove matt crazy and every time he would go for a walk inevitably he would come home and be like i fucking saw that guy again and we like almost had a fight and um and finally finally, I'm like, just avoid this guy, forget this guy. And then the guy eventually, I'm sure enough people in town talked to him about like, you've got to have your huge dog on a leash. And because he'd be like, in England, they don't need they don't have dogs on leashes. And everybody would be like, well, you're in New York. So on Halloween, a couple years ago, I was like, Matt, let's just be cool and,

and open our house up to kids and give them candy. So we did. And this little girl came up. And she was the daughter of the guy. And there he was with his dog, reluctantly on a leash, and his little kid. And then the little kid is like four. And she goes, because our dog starts barking. And she goes, why is your dog not trained?

I could just see Matt in the living room like, fuck this. And I was like, because she's crazy. And Matt's like, no, she's not. No, she's hot. She's got a great body and she's perfect the way she is. You should have turned to the parents and said, why is your daughter not trained? I know. Where were you, Brian?

I needed you. I was probably in your basement oh god kids can just cut right to the core yeah uh little brats kids shouldn't be allowed to leave their house i think like i don't think kids should be allowed on planes i don't think kids should be allowed at hotels what age you need like a funeral uh you need to be going to a funeral In order to allow a kid out of the house No, kids don't need to go to funerals No Not even that

Kids don't need to say goodbye They don't understand death yet Let's not bring them into that Kids should go from home to school To after school activities And back home I really am irritated with kids in first class though I think that is

Get out of here I mean that is disgusting It happens all the time I'm rich I need my child. Where each kid, each three-year-old has their own seat in first class.

And because they have those, I don't get bumped up because it's all about availability. That means they bought... It means either the kids have the status, which there's no way they do. But it's the parents buying them. They spent $9,000 on that fucking flight.

Because a first class ticket is just so insanely overpriced. They don't need even moreed. They're tiny. They don't need even more space. They need even less space. But then your mom has to be in the coach with them. Oh, okay. So I was wondering if you're advocating

for the parents to be in first class and kids to be someone else's problem in coach. I also don't think kids should be traveling. Why are they flying? Where are they going? I think like five, sure. But no, I think mine is babies. I just think a toddler to babies.

So I guess three and below, I don't think should have any reason to travel literally ever unless they're getting a surgery that can only be done in a certain state or something. Like a life-saving. Yeah, if they have to get a surgery, yeah. Yeah, if they have like an operation, but I don't think, I mean, I just don't think,

and I know it's like, but grandma needs to see them. I've said this before. No, she doesn't. Then she, then she needs to travel or, and I also think old people, I'm tired of seeing old people being like whisked across the country and like so uncomfortable and not even knowing where they are and like having someone just drag them. I'm like, do they really want to be doing this? And I know, I know elderly people still want to feel part of the world and want to be able to travel.

Absolutely, if they want to. But I just feel like a lot of it is like, you got to go to, you know, Ariel's wedding. And it's just like, you have to like, you're just whisking, you're making these old people travel for a wedding of someone that they wouldn't even recognize if they ran into them on the street.

Zoom in. Zoom into the wedding. Zoom in. But yeah, kids don't need to be going to weddings. Kids don't need to go see grandma who lives states over. It's just then, I mean, maybe. But then drive, maybe? I don't know.

It's tough. I would probably fly with a kid if I had one. When you were a kid, think about you going on trips and stuff like that. How many times are you with your parents and you're like, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. And they go, yes, you were. You were there when you were three. Because you don't remember shit. Well, Nate Bargatze has a great joke about that.

Where he's like, what am I supposed to do? Just throw my daughter in a closet and lock her in there until she's four and starts having memories? Yes. That's what you shouldn't do. Yeah. I just do think that people selfishly bring their kids and their grandparents when it's like they want that, but they don't understand that the kid doesn't really need that or the grandparent they're going to see doesn't really need that either. And it's all for them more so. This is legit. This is legit. You might even agree with this in a non-joking way. You're at a hotel. I do not think kids should be allowed in the hot tub. Oh, yeah. They're not supposed to. I don't want to be in a hot tub either.

Period. Well, okay. Well. I don't think kids should be allowed at the gym, and they're not supposed to be. No, no. You're not supposed to start working out until you're. I was just in a gym with Nikki at at a casino and there were four fucking children running around the gym on the elliptical like they were like joking around and their parents were just like

there and i'm like this is get them out of here this is a distraction it's playground yeah i mean i would have loved a gym when i was a little girl. I loved like, oh my God, this thing moves and I get to run on it and I don't go anywhere. Gym equipment is so fascinating as a kid. All I wanted was one of those. I asked for it for Christmas and I got one. My mom found out at a Goodwill. The things that you put your- A Nordic track?

Elliptical? You would go like this. It was like a star burning calories, Nick. And then your legs would move like a ski. Not a Nordic track because those would go like, like this is more like swooping. Elliptical. Yeah.

No, elliptical is more like you're running. These are non-existent now, but they were everywhere in 1999 to 2002. And they would, your arms would go back. Like it looked fun and it was fun for literally 20 seconds. then i didn't use it ever again but we did get one and yeah gym equipment can be really fun for kids where did you guys go on family trips skiing park city michigan um that was were you engaged with your family engaged like family do you were you participating what does that i mean yeah we would do stuff like

my i have a really fun dad so like i there would always be activities there always be something to do there would always be we're gonna go take the jet ski out we're gonna go go get rent a boat we're gonna go to the sand dunes we're gonna go skiing we're gonna take skiing lessons but then we're gonna go do this and we're gonna go to this park like there was never a dull moment in my childhood i had the most amazing childhood because i have a dad who's like loves to play which is i was talking to khaki this weekend um chris's sister about whether we would have kids and i said i think chris would be a great dad i just he only has a certain amount of energy and he would probably put it all into the kids and then i would resent that because i

i want him to put it into me and i know he'd be he'd be the kind of fun dad that i would need because i'm not gonna be a fun mom like i i would be like my mom my mom just would be like that's a pretty picture but she wouldn't like get on the floor with us and play and that was just the kind of mom i would be i just don't want to play and i would i always said if i had kids i wouldn't want a husband who's like like can't wait to play with kids can't wait to make up games and play tag and like is really engaged in that stuff and Chris is but I want that I want him to play with me I I would be like annoyed that it was going to somewhere else and we only have so much energy the older we get and so I was just like khaki it's

just not gonna happen for us um but I no, I was definitely engaged constantly in family trips all the time. Yeah, that makes sense. You guys had a fun fam. I just I was until I was a teenager. And then I just remember like reading Flowers in the Attic and staring out the window on the trip to they were driving from like France through France to Spain. And like, why are you reading that book? And I couldn't tell my mom, like,

cause the brother and sister. Well, in high school, I, I, I definitely, there's a picture of me staring into the Sen river on a trip to Paris. And I'm crossing my arms and I have posterior pelvic tilt going on like

crazy. My torso was scooped under and i'm looking despondently into the sen river and i look so depressed and i was that was like when my depression really started in high school and it was on that trail in france and i was so mad we had to go because i was obsessed with my friends and i just wanted to be around my friends in kirkwood i did not want to go anywhere in high school that my friends weren't. And I would just long for them and listen to Matchbox 20 songs and dream about

my friends. I was so gay for my girlfriends. I was literally gay. I'm not even saying gay as in I was literally probably romantically in love with my girlfriends in high school because I didn't have anywhere else to put that kind of energy because I didn't have intimacy. It's actually very common for teenage girls to be with their gaggle of girlfriends

like you always find teenage girls in the bathroom with all their friends just talking gossiping that's a very normal hormonal thing that happens to teenage girls loved loved loved my friends so much and I just remember fantasizing about like, like listening to Matchbox 20 and literally like daydreaming about hanging out with them while I was in France for like four days until I would see them again. And I was like longing for them. Like I was at war

because I had to go on a fucking trip with my family and go tour cathedrals, which by the way, I'm still bored by, still, that is still a part of my my my core belief is that i'm not interested in seeing things just because you're supposed to see them or because they're really old or because that's what you do when you go there um i still don't believe in that but yeah um i i i do realize i was so lucky to have a dad that was like so playful and like i was never you know when your kid someone had a great bit about i was so lucky to have a dad that was like so playful and like I was you know when you're a kid someone had a great bit about it I was so jealous

of this bit but like when you're a kid all you want to do is you're like I have to go in to eat I don't want to we want to keep playing or I have to go to sleep no and like now that's all I want to do I don't want to do anything except those two things and they used to be the fucking bane of my existence

that's Joe Zimmerman was that Joe yeah I think i quoted it before but it still stays with me it's like that is the truest thing i've ever heard in my life and how ironic all we want to do is eat and sleep now it's true i think about that in the middle of a set like when is my dinner i can't wait to eat that's all i think about soup i just want to. Tomahawk's good. I just want to, but it's not good if it's not hot. Are you eating Tomahawk soup not hot, Anya? Because when we get our food, there's no way it's still hot.

That's true. Well, some places, they'll make it bionically hot, and then it's like, and then you're eating the plastic that it was in. Yeah. Oh, God, I am. Because it's like,

if it's too hot, that's burning the plastic. I pour the soup out and just eat the plastic um i got a bad batch of summer rolls last weekend i'm still mad about it most summer rolls are disgusting they're mostly horrific and poorly made and all they have in it is lettuce and like one other thing and like a bean sprout and they're just like an abomination or they were just made because summer rolls are so trendy that they always run out so they have to make new ones so when you get them they're hot and they're supposed to be still they're supposed to be cold i hate when they're warm i love when they're warm i hate when they're

warm what about it's disgusting it's like biting into a lump dick no a limp dick a lumpy limp dick but I know sushi it's my obsession right now everyone knows it I can't eat I can't go a day without eating it I hate warm sushi and that's why I don't like to go to sushi restaurants because it always comes out the rice is like

soft it's from someone's hand so they just they make the rice no the way it's soft. It's from someone's hand. They just... Ew! It's not because it was in someone's hand. They make the rice. The way to have sushi, like really grade A five star sushi is like it's room temp warm. I want my sushi rice al dente.

I know that's insane, but I want it a little bit with a bite to it. I want a little crunchiness to the rice, but I just found out if you make rice and then freeze it or put it in a refrigerator, it cuts down the calories by a third. No. Yes.

Your body processes it much faster and metabolizes it faster. I'm not interested in that, but it does. I knew there was something to it that I did like. Everyone puts their rice in the fridge. It's just so much better when sushi is cold. So that's why I like grocery store sushi the best of any sushi I've ever had.

Because it's cold. And any restaurant you go to, it just comes out, it's a little bit warm. I like the warm hands of a sushi chef. Not into it. I would like to put restaurants on notice for a minute here in regards to salads. I feel like if you're not getting, there's salad places like Sweetgreen or whatever where you make your own salad and those are doing all right. But when you go to a restaurant and you order a salad, I feel like over the last few years, salads have become like nothing. They don't put ingredients in their salads. No, it's just lettuce. When did that happen? You spend $15 on a salad and it's like...

There's a Mexican restaurant that's supposed to be a fancy, healthy restaurant that five years ago you'd get a Caesar salad from them and it would be romaine lettuce and croutons and like anchovies and stuff. And now you get it and it's just iceberg lettuce chopped up. I feel like this is a scourge across the nation where restaurants have realized that we're not going to complain about the salad. Well, most people don't like salad. So when people order it, they feel really like self-important. Like good like i'm doing the healthy thing not self-important but they're proud

of themselves that like i'm doing the right thing i got this burger but i'm gonna get a side salad so restaurants probably realizing like most people aren't really eating the salad because what they want is the unhealthy thing and they just kind of get it and so we can really cut down on our food costs if we just make the salad smaller because that that's what they want any they don't really want this thing anyway they're just ordering it to be to seem healthy with the person they're eating with right we're here to say we're done with this restaurants that's what i'm saying well that's why anytime i'm not even joking you this is this has been going on for so long and i'm such a person that loves salad, that if I order, Anya knows, every weekend when we order, if I get a house salad from somewhere, how

many house salads do I get? Minimum two. Two to three. Every single time, because I know it is going to be a dinky ass salad, even if it's an $8 salad. And I'm talking $8 in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Like $8. Oh, shit.

Slam. That's like a $20 salad in LA. I just want you to know. Cost of living Is so low there Not a side salad If it's a side salad I'll get like four

But if it's like A house salad I'll get at least two And then Plus an entree Because they're trying To fuck you every time There's one place

That they're not advertising So I don't need To say their name They're a vegetarian Sushi place They make The best salad I've ever had in my life

it's a kale caesar salad it's all vegan it tastes like mushrooms where like okay the place we just went in florida do you remember that place it's vegan planta yes yeah the best salad i think i've ever had i had that too it's that is really good with the capers and it's yes and it tastes like bacon but it's not bacon. It's mushrooms. Because I had it for Andrew's wedding. There was one in Miami. And then there was also one in Fort Lauderdale.

Is that where we were, where we got it? Yes. Again? Yeah. So I had it two weekends in a row. And I had it in Marina Del Rey when we did the NFL thing last week. I got planta. And they have really good sushi but the best vegan sushi that i've had

was some grocery store in um i think it was the fort lauderdale grocery store or maybe no it's hershey pennsylvania wherever they got that sushi from it was the best vegetarian vegan sushi i've ever had and it was some like i like just a kroger or something but um we did, oh, we got to go to break. We're going to talk about this past week when we get back. Because a lot happened and it involved everyone. We'll be back after this.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from john and the team of correspondents and

contributors the podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts so last week i don't know if everyone saw but i did the um thursday night football on amazon prime as i have been wont to do um once before and but then we did it on thursday night it was such a fun day i really love doing that thing what do you love about it i love writing with a room of really funny writers and like just it's not just all intense like oh no like it is intense because there's decisions that need to be made it feels like there's like the atmosphere of like an

emergency room kind of thing like we need that like a newsroom like it's very like we got to get this to print it's like there's that like kind of anxiety but there's also like so many jokes being cracked that like, aren't going to make it on TV. Like we are just constantly goofing around being so funny, riffing on things. Like it's, I just like hanging out with a group of people that I've hand selected that are the funniest people I know that are,

are all in like a really good mood because we're doing this really cool thing. We're at a, you know, a mood because we're doing this really cool thing we're at a you know a nfl or we're at a nfl stadium we're a part of this like huge um nfl production um it feels important it feels cool everyone just feels excited to be there and it's just so fun it's me it was a huge writer's room this weekend like the first time we did it we were in um new york we were in new york and so it was only four of us three three of us are you including yourself me you ian me you ian sean and chris and then this time it was me you ian me you ian sean chris nicole bill bob michael michael and maybe someone else that i'm for like i can't it was huge it was in emily schedule there i get hair and makeup done at 10 30 no 11 30 leave at 145 to get to the venue at three and then from three to 5 15 when the game

starts we are just writing and like talking about the script and sitting around and like it's a little bit like less crazy the night before we also watch together right like are you watching the game on a tv or on the field not you know we're back in a room in the stadium you get buried in a dungeon which is pretty close to usually the players locker rooms yeah yeah we're real close yeah but you're in there in a windowless closet room with a tv screen and then it's just to you when you're on the air. How long is that? When I do the thing? Yeah. I do like four minutes, three to four minutes.

Eight for four, yeah. So that's chock full of jokes then? Have you not seen it? It's like it's just me doing like kind of like a roast of the game. You know what it reminded me of? What? Actually, it reminds me of Talk Soup. Do you remember that show? Yeah, yeah. That's a roast of the game. You know what it reminded me of? What? Actually, it reminds me of Talk Soup. Do you remember that show? Yeah, yeah.

That's a really good reference, actually. We're trying to comp that, in fact. Yeah, I mean, honestly, that's kind of, it's, you know, that, it's done in a way that's like, I hope that, I wanted to make something that a girl like me, who doesn't know anything about sports,

would like, her boyfriend would have this on the background, and it would be the first thing that she looks up and goes like, oh, I can kind of understand some of this. Like some of it is technical and I don't even know what I'm saying because it's like, you know, it's stats or whatever. And we're making jokes about stats. But then some of it is just like observations that anyone could make having no knowledge of the game. And it's just funny and fun and anyone can understand it. That's really what I wanted it to be and it's what it's turned out to be. I've learned a lot about football through it, which is also a thing I wanted it to be.

Honestly, I don't watch the game. I know nothing about football, even though we talk about it on this show. Nothing is absorbing. What I watch is just so fun to just watch you roast's just so fun to just watch you roast everything and um on the last show we were talking about nuances and and like in the creative process and stuff like one of my favorite things in your delivery is when your voice like

you're you're kind of holding back a laugh and you're talking through the laugh and your your your voice changes a little bit oh yeah yeah yeah it's the best thank you i think i know what joke you're talking about when i did that on this time of like um yeah where i'm just like excited to say something like do you ever like oh like and then it sounds like i'm presenting it like conversationally right and your pitch just gets a little bit higher yeah i don't know it's my favorite it's like watch me do that the whole time next time and then it's not special anymore but um yeah it's so it's and then but then i have a depression right after it because it's just like nothing will ever be the way the tom brady roast was in terms of like the risk like the uh the amount of like holy shit that was insane that you just like i will never get that response about

anything i do the rest of my life like i'm almost certain of it and i shouldn't like that was just well there'll be a lot there's not as many even though it's a football game there's not as many eyes on the thursday night football post game as there were on the roast obviously so you just you're just automatically not going to get any amount of feedback at all that would be good or bad that would be good or bad that would be comparable to the roast right right i just i mean like even in the immediacy after it just is like it just there it's not like no one's like whoa the stakes are so high like it just isn't like they're not they're not they're not terribly no one's gonna care no one notices

yeah it goes away it's just such a thing care. No one notices. Yeah. Yeah, it goes away. It's just such a thing that only exists in that moment kind of thing, which is really freeing and fun, but it's over so fast. But this week I did feel pretty similar to the roast after the set. No, I know you did. I was kind of bummed after it because I fucked up the delivery on, I would 30 of the jokes like i i just really didn't like how i said the joke like i just my timing was not right and i just didn't emphasize the right word and i just like i you know it was just a joke that we had just written so it's like i can't be expected

to do it perfectly but i was just like man i i let down whoever wrote that joke i let down like i know if i was a writer and i wrote that joke i'd be like fuck she fucked it like that was such a good joke and she fumbled it like i just i felt like disappointed in myself for a couple things so i was kind of like even though it was overall a very successful showing i was focusing on the things i could have done better and i couldn't stop thinking about them and i was kind of just like i just want to go home i just want to be alone and i don't want i don't want to run into any more people that like might not say exactly what i want to hear which is that was amazing which no one was saying because they have other

fish to fry like there's a you know the show isn't about me it's like i'm like a just a thing tacked on at the end as it should be so it's just like i just want to be claw machined out of there i don't like you have to take a shuttle home with all the writers and a lot of the producers on the show sometimes richard sherman and sometimes yeah one of the hosts it's just like i just don't want to be around anyone after it like i if it's not an a a plus plus plus plus plus i just want to disappear and and be alone and you can't really do that after that but no but then it was good to be around you brian because you are usually i'm usually pretty very harsh on yourself and on hard on um and and want everything to be perfect and you were just in like such a good mood that

i was very happy i was floating floating. Glad to be around it. Every step, I felt like I was bouncing with moon shoes. You were in such a good mood. Everyone was like, what's going on with Brian? We're like, I think this is happy. It's giving happy Brian. Well, I've been down lately. And I also had kind of lower expectations this time around.

So because last time, obviously, we had the screaming drunken hordes. This time, it went as well as we could have hoped in terms of production. Yeah. And because we know the script was good. We know that you're going to be good. It was really up to, like, are the uncontrollable aspects of this going to meet our expectations? And I felt like it did. Yeah.

And so everything just came together in my mind and it was great. I think that's why I was like, looking at this, you're like, this should be on every week. This should be every single game. I would do it every week. It's so fun. And I love, I just love working really hard

for a short amount of time. I hate a long build up to something everyone's like the golden globes isn't this great that you have all this time and i was like no honestly i would love to be told two weeks before them doing the golden globes i would be fine with that i literally would and i'm not trying to be like you know i'm not throwing anyone under the bus that had maybe complained about not having enough time for me that's just how i work best like i don't know what you're talking about i'm just saying that is how that is the i don't like i don't like a lot of time at all i love that we

are like we don't have time to write a new joke it's gonna be this one or this one nikki and i'm like oh that one like i i like that i i pressure it's the pressure is that one or this one, Nikki. And I'm like, oh, that one. Like, I like that. I, it's the pressure is, that's the only way I get anything in my life done is last minute. It's just the way that I'm built. And I really wish I wasn't. Do you guys feel that way? I mean, I feel like a lot of people

do relate to what I'm saying, but I think some people do like a lot of time and like to like consider it and take you like, you're a slower person, Anya. You like to like move at a slower clip. Like, do you do well under those circumstances i need a deadline for something to get done too yeah i like the pressure of it and i really love working with a group if i couldn't write for like a couple years when i was writing alone and then i rejoined my songwriting group which is just like 10 of us over email where we get a prompt every week and then i just started

like cranking out songs because i'd be like i don't want to disappoint them yeah and i'd get you get called out if you don't turn in a song and then you get kicked out so i did not want my pride to get bruised so that's a great how many of your songs on your album like are from that songwriting group i think all of i think all 10 are from 70 writer's group. Oh, my God. 70? Did you really write 70 songs? Yeah, I wrote like 70 songs, probably. Did you give them like a special thanks? Oh, I definitely did to the leader of the group, Bob Schneider, who's an amazing songwriter in Austin, Texas.

I mean, he came up with girl shit. He came up with waiting, or yeah, I came up with Gimme Sugar. You are good. You are the letters. You are good. I think I came up with your sugar you are good you are the letters you are good i think i came up with beautiful and stoned yeah but they're all from the group i believe that's insane that without the group that would not you wouldn't have written all those songs yeah that those that was and that is the truth for everything in my life like i would not create anything if there wasn't people expecting things

from me i don't even know how i got started in comedy i think back to like the early days when no one expected anything of me what was the reason for me to do anything like i don't i signed up for a comedy thing and i guess there was a deadline and i told my friends about it so i guess there was some expectation but without that built in i would fucking get nothing done most of my jokes are written as i'm backstage about to walk onto stage that is when all of my creativity starts like kind of coming out of me and i come up with stuff so like on the on the drive to the venue why why can't this be a consistent process? I think your brain just starts clicking on when you have to go on stage and you do wind up writing more jokes.

But for me, it's the exact opposite. When it comes to writing a script or something like that, I do that the best when no one is expecting it from me because I like to be like, surprise, I got this script. You weren't even expecting were expecting this boom here it is oh whoa okay that's good i like to go i like to be locked away in a closet for a month and then i come out with a script and then no one was like what what were you doing in there and it's like i

have a script now and they're like who are you you're not repped here is that like family stuff that seems like how somebody would have to get attention in their family or like where's brian has anyone seen brian like i have to hide yeah well i think it's similar to like i i can't do um i don't like yoga it's too slow it's not doing anything for me it's like it's like i need i want something to be feel like i'm gonna die and i want i want the countdown clock like i've walked out of uh classes because the clock wasn't working then one day i showed up at playing class and the clock they're like it's not working you guys and i go well i'm not gonna be

here because i need to know i'm not working out because yeah yeah it's not like i need i'm looking at that clock constantly being like okay i got okay i can do this 25 more minutes that's nothing that's like meditating plus five minutes like or when i used to meditate it was 20 minutes and i always like think about that like i need i need to know when something is going to be over i need to know when the pain is going to be over but until then i can be in a excruciating amount of pain um and for me writing is excruciatingly painful i honestly don't think that there is anything i would want to do less than right and it that it sounds so crazy but i would rather get a root canal by far

truly i'm trying to think of like but you just said you like being with the group like you like and maybe that's how you thrive like writing in advance maybe no writing with a group that's fine because then the writing alone yeah writing alone nothing nothing um i i can't think of anything more painful to me i i'm trying to figure out i was talking on girls chat last night i'm just i don't know how to make to do it anymore like i don't know i'm so scared of doing it and i don don't, and I'm in this book I'm reading called the mountain is you. It's talking about all these blocks we have. And like, you know, what are you, what is the thing you're avoiding? Like if you're scared of,

um, if you are scared of being like on a, a dying in a plane crash, you're scared of losing control and you seek control in your life. Like that's usually what it's about is like, is like you want control it's not about you're scared to die in a plane crash you just like feel you don't like feeling out of control and so what is the fear when i write like why why would i rather be watching an air show which is one of my biggest fears i would rather watch an air show than sit down and and have to think about my stand-up set and write like what is that? What is the fear? And I guess the fear is not being as good as I think I might be

and then having to live in that and sit in the chance that I'm not as talented as I think I am. Well, also because when you write, it's always shitty at first and you think back to the last thing you wrote and you're like, but that was amazing amazing why is this thing i'm writing shitty and it's because well you have to write it and then rewrite it a million times to get to the good thing it didn't just cut like rarely sometimes i guess it just comes out perfect but most of the time you write something on it you write something on the screen or a piece of paper and it's like this is fucking terrible and

that's why i hate and that's hard to get through yeah because when i start practicing i'm like this sounds awful i don't want to listen to this no but but the third or fourth time through it's going to sound better so i just try to focus on think about how amazing you're going to feel walking on stage totally prepared and then that'll motivate me to practice interesting to think about the future you after having put in this work i just there's i if anyone out there listening has any advice on getting through a huge block that like i'm not kidding you like i was relating it this and i feel like this is the perfect analogy for me is like when I was anorexic, I could not eat.

And I don't know why I can't describe it. If you've ever had been anorexic, you know what I mean? Or like bulimic and people are like, just stop throwing up, just start eating. Like, it seems like the simplest thing you've did it before.

You like, it doesn't make sense to people why you can't eat. I just couldn't eat. And that is literally how I feel about writing right now. I, and I, and I am looking at my life. I'm like, this is why I'm so busy. I just don't want to have any room where I could write. And I was talking to my therapist last week about how I really don't do well when I don't have something to do at all hours of the day. And she said, why, what is the root of this? Like, what scared of if you're not you know smoking pot playing guitar masturbating running doing a plant class going walking your dog like these are all

the things i do when i don't have actual work right like i never just like sit and watch tv without food going down my face like i'm always like doing something consuming something and i was like it's because i feel guilty I'm not writing. So if I just keep my life busy enough, I never have to write. So if anyone has any advice on how I can start writing and get past this, I will take it. I am literally, I don't know what to do. And this has been going on for me my whole life. I do write.

I don't want people to think if you come see me on stage like you're gonna see old shit or whatever like the way you write on stage well yeah i write on stage i write on the car ride over when i'm like oh i just need a new joke and then i'll be like i'll intensely be in my phone for a second and i'll just write something in like a couple minutes that's all it takes like people go nikki how did you come up with that on stage? That was so quick. And I'm like, well, if I came up with it at a Starbucks on my laptop,

it's the same quickness. It comes out either way. You know, like a joke. Why are you questioning your, your process? Like why fix something if it's not broken? I,

well, because I'm not writing at the clip I want to, like I would like to. And, and when, when I do write Noah, like it's always under pressure and I don't ever leave enough time for myself. It's always like,

oh man, if I had a couple more minutes, this would even be tighter. So if I started that kind of writing that I do on the way over to the venue or literally as I'm walking to stage, the joke would be so much better if I just had five more minutes to add to it. And I could give myself that time at a Starbucks,

but I just, for some reason- That's not going to help anyway. I'm some reason. That's not going to help anyway. I'm literally paralyzed. That's not going to help you. If you give yourself five more minutes to try to perfect the joke. Oh, it totally would. I totally would. You're wrong.

I'm not kidding you. I got it. Then do it. Prove me wrong then. I suggest. Oh, that's good. Okay. Hold on.

My suggestion is talk to your tour manager matt pond to give you the wrong set times so that you have an extra five minutes that doesn't work because she's so good at time management she'll show up 20 seconds before she needs to be somewhere because she knows she's just not late but if you tell it you know what i mean like she'll figure something else out i think it's true you are successful because you've gotten here this is your process why question it do you really need to increase the clip of your writing is that true i would like to i would i would like to be the like i look at the comedians like i that i want to level up to and it's going to take a lot more effort than I have been putting in.

It's just going to take a different kind of effort to be like, let's say I want to do a clean special. That is going to take a different part of my brain that I need to spend time nurturing and getting to know that I am not leaving room for that person to emerge when I am just writing on a treadmill because I have three more minutes of the walk and then I have to start getting ready for the show and I do want a local reference for this Tampa show so let me just write a Tampa joke really quick in three minutes because that's

all I've allowed myself but is there something wrong with that yeah the joke doesn't come out as good because I don't leave myself enough time and then I have to start getting ready and then I have to walk on stage and I like um for instance the show that i alluded to on last episode that was one of the worst experiences of my life um it i wrote so many jokes because i knew it was going to be bad because of like i saw the setup for it i saw like i found out a lot of details about the show that i was like oh this has potential to go really bad so I built in all of these jokes I wrote a ton of jokes that were out for these moments to like and I was so proud of the jokes like I loved them all I was like okay I hope this set goes bad

because this stuff is so funny to say about it and then I get out there and because I didn't write those jokes with enough time to memorize them and practice them and get them in order in my head, they were not there for me when I started panic, when I started not doing well.

Like when you, you can tell yourself a million times when you're driving down the highway, if I hit a patch of black ice, turn into it. I'm going to want to turn out of it, but it's better to turn into it. Or when you go out to the sea and you get caught in a... When you hit black ice turn into it i might i'm gonna want to turn out of it but it's better to turn into it or when you go out to the sea and you get caught when you hit black ice you're supposed to glide

or whatever it is like it's there's some kind of rule that when you start getting out yeah well you're driving in snow have you guys heard of that like you're supposed to drive you're supposed to steer into it which is the opposite that your body wants to do i always heard you're supposed to let go okay let me give another example when you are caught in a riptide you are supposed to swim parallel you're not supposed to swim against it right you're gonna drown right so we all know that it's been drilled in like i've thought about a million times but you that all goes out the fucking window when you have a fight or flight response like you don't you unless those things are ingrained in you and you've practiced them with your body over and over and memorize them you're not going to have you can

have your notes in front of you i have all these jokes written in front of me to get out but i when i start doing poorly i don't go to those jokes do you know what i go to i go to a joke i wrote 10 years ago that i don't even remember the ending to that's what that's the life vest that i throw myself over the you know from the carnival cruise i just throw myself like a beach towel instead of like an inflatable thing that i blew up like and now i'm just like holding on to this wet towel sinking even further and i don't even know how to get back to the boat at all i've left myself nothing and it's in and if i would have memorized those jokes if i would have just written those jokes an hour prior as opposed to when i did i would have had a chance to memorize them more and then they would have been there for me so that's what i'm saying like that's why i know that that won't

happen again is because i'm going to now leave myself two hours to prepare before a show like that instead of one okay realistically how much time would you say you need before every show to take your jokes from where they're at to the level you'd like them to be at realistic amount of time like focused looking over my set and like writing like an hour but i that sounds that's a long time fucking hell yeah like i mean but that's what most that's what the best comedians do. Knowing Nikki Glaser, as well as you know her, how would you even get that hour into her life? That wouldn't be hard. I would say instead of singing Taylor Swift songs before a show,

you don't get to do that. You have to go see her by yourself. You perform worse because you're not happy. That's so much time. You have to show up two hours earlier. Then you have to show up an hour earlier so you can get your Taylor Swift songs and you can do your thing. But then you That's so much fun. Then you have to show up two hours earlier. Then you have to show up an hour earlier so you can get your Taylor Swift songs

and you can do your thing but then you don't get to sleep. Why even show up? And so now you're going to be a little bit sleepless. Why aren't you doing this at the hotel room, the writing?

Because I can't do that. What? I don't even know what that looks like sitting in a hotel room. That's what I would do. Oh, where do you need to write? What works best for you?

I sit in my bed and write on the computer. I need to be like about to go on and and I guess backstage in a room by myself. But I don't want that because then my friends are in the next room. And if I'm at a hotel, I mean, we get to a hotel usually around 1 or 2. I want to get in a workout. I want to get in a nap. There's just no room for it.

Okay, so this totally makes sense why you're having a problem. It's just not realistic for your life or your personality to do 60 minutes of focused work alone before a show like checking all these boxes you need checked it has to be before why i keep my life like this so i don't have to do it and that but your life would be kind of miserable is you um i think you need a certain amount of is just nikki 10 minutes. Yes. 10 minutes. It doesn't have to be an hour. Let's make it 10 minutes and see what happens. Do you do well with it?

Also, the other thing they say that's important for successful people is pain. You have to be in sufficient pain to make a change in your life, at least. You know that. Yeah, and I'm in deep pain right now. I was reading The Mountain Is You, and they they were like the only way that you're gonna change your life and take it to the next level of like like the person you want to be you're just you're not comfortable with who you are is like you have to hit a bottom and your bottom might not be like a bottom bottom it might be like just this right above a bottom like knowing that you don't want to hit a bottom might be your bottom

and i'm like at that thing where i'm like okay i need intervention and i've been in this place before and i've done nothing about it like this is just a common thing for me to always reach this place and go it needs to start today like even the book was talking about like people who are like i need to lose weight like i'm going on a diet tomorrow and they do it and then they just find themselves at the drive-thru again and again like that's me i just will not do the thing i know i need to do and that's why i'm begging for anyone if you know of like any other method to start doing the thing that you absolutely know that you won't do oh i have a method because this has happened to me really uh share it after the break.

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Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. What is it? It's happened to you, Brian? Now that everyone's anticipating this method,

while I have everyone's attention, I just want to say, if you encounter black ice, what you're supposed to do is just allow the steering wheel to take you wherever it's going. Do not touch the brakes. That's the worst thing you can do.

That's the thing. Okay, yes. But that is like not intuitive right like no you want to stop and like spin against it do you want to just be calm and not you start to bomb on a set and you have all these outs that you've made for yourself to like get out of it and then you have none of those tools when you start because your your faculties are gone and you're panicking and you can't think logically i mean that happens i mean god that has happened a lot to me lately like it's like when people are like carry mace with you i'm like i'm not gonna know to like get my mace out when i'm being violently attacked like i'm not

gonna think to do that that's why i gotta get that fucking flashlight noah okay so what's your what's the method brian i'm interested our good friend Bill Dixon is helping me with this right now unrelated to writing. And this also helped Anya. You need a buddy system. Yes. Where you go, where you say, hey, you write for 10 minutes, I'll write for 10 minutes. And you're accountable to

this one individual person. And you both are benefiting from it. So it's not like they're doing you a favor. Yes. Nikki, you helped me with this too. When I was feeling insecure about my voice, you were taking voice lessons. Then I started taking voice lessons thinking maybe that could help me. Now, before shows, it is non-negotiable that I do my vocal warm-ups. I have to do that every day before a show, whether it's at the hotel room or whatever.

I tell myself, non-negotiable, I'm doing that. And it helps so much. So you could do that with, you could be like, all right, now we do our non-negotiable 10 minutes. I can go do my vocal warmups. You can go do your thing. Yeah, that's a good idea. I like that.

Yeah, you guys, even though it's different things, you guys can still hold each other accountable to those non-negotiables. But at the same time, hold on. Where would Nikki's starting point be? And I actually, during our very short break, I was thinking, you picked up on the game of football in, you know, maybe a couple of months. And now you actually have knowledge of football more than you did like three months ago. You're in these writing teams

and these writing groups it's fun you're get to you get to hang out you were just talking about how much you love that atmosphere and i think the more you're in there the more that muscle is getting exercise and that is going to compel you to have that starting point where anya does her vocal warm-ups and you're in your room for 10 minutes. That's why I've been bringing some writers on the road with me to help me talk about my act, but then I bring them out and they're always like, when are we going to do it? And I go, let's film a TikTok

video instead. You're a bad influence. I find avoidance. I'm like, let me go watch you smoke a cigarette. I will do any... And they go, I feel bad. You brought me out here for just... And I'm like, it's really about the hang and then i avoid working even though tell them in a text hey this works for you and me because you'll say hey sometime this weekend will you remind me to blah blah blah blah blah and then i make a note don't let nikki forget to do xyz and sometimes i

forget most the time i don't so text. That way they know you are expecting them. It's part of their job to say, time out. When are we doing our 10 minutes of? That's not going to happen. But then I say, I don't feel like it. I'm not in the mood right now. I always say that. I know what I do.

Then that's your bad. That's your bad. It is my bad. That's what I'm saying. What do I do to stop being bad? Yeah. Well, I have the answer for that too. Because so the person that you're describing, I can't even imagine in a million years him

ever doing that going, no, now it's time for us to write Nikki. That would be so out of character. No, it's no. He'll never do that. What you need to do is establish a outside of the weekend you need to do a zoom or something that's one hour of writing yes where you go this is the purpose of this is just to write for an hour and it's not in person even or in the hang or in the weekend yeah do you guys start out of like nothing or do you have a topic that you bring or like i know i usually i'm

like here's the things that i am interested in talking about on stage and here are the angles i'm thinking about like what do you guys think about this like where and then i a lot of it is just like watch my here's my set i'll send them my set and i'll be like do you have any ideas for other places i could go and it's just like that doesn't really work for me because i just never want to look then they send their notes and i like never look at their notes because i just don't want to see at like how either little that they could help me because they're not because they're not good but because like the premise isn't good and then i feel bad about myself or i don't know what i just don't want to i just don't want to look at it i just don't want to i just don't want to deal with it it's just such a strange thing. It sounds like you don't have a tour manager of your life type of thing.

Matt's your tour tour manager. And he would totally, if you told him this, he'd be like, oh, I can just remind Nikki or I can say, hey, now it's time for this. I'm not doing that. She would avoid it. She would avoid it. I would just say I don't feel like it tonight. I never feel like it.

But I think you're right. I need to do Zoom meetings every week that are separate from the tour atmosphere. Well well you do that with other stuff that i do yeah yeah you could kind of see it as cross training so these zoom meetings maybe you have just something else that you work on whether it's just jokes about tv shows or sports and then the the cross training part is again you're exercising that muscle and then you can go into your own jokes and punch them up and yes build them up yes one thing we're all neglecting is you are a three you are a certain type of personality you get really like turned on in quotes not sexually but like what gets you going is competition and hearing that somebody else at your level or like some competitor is doing xyz or you get really inspired by people like

kobe michael jordan like every time you watch a documentary like that you're like i'm gonna start doing that like them so you need maybe you need to set a reminder in your calendar that's like so and so is killing it and if you would do your 10 minutes right now you would also be killing it or something like that where you're like yeah fuck that also you got really into football when somebody whose music you really liked started dating a football player like right you get inspired by certain things figure out what those things are is it competition is it being wanting to get closer to somebody else wanting Wanting to learn more about a topic? Maybe if you were like,

I want to be as excellent as blank. I'm going to do that 10 minutes. Blank's too funny. No one's going to be as funny. That's what I say to myself, Brian. I'm just like, I couldn't even touch that. That's embarrassing to try. And then I will feel so bad

that it'll be so embarrassing to me. But these are all interesting. it's nice to hear this feedback and have a couple options here i mean there was a thing i was doing over covid that i remember talking about on the old u-up pod brian i might have you research it it is a it's a thing that you it's like a zoom that you do and you are assigned a person that randomly that also needs to get something done and you both talk before the time limit starts about what you're gonna do and then you start and then you both have a camera on you and you are working and you don't talk the whole time and then at the end of it you talk about what you just did and i did it like five times i got so much done because

you can't abandon your buddy and it's like a it's a it's a free website that you go on to and it's like omegle and they like it's almost like um they just set you up with someone randomly who also needs and you set it you um you schedule it so then you show up and they assign you someone and it's you and one other person you both have their camera on you and you just get work done at your laptop and you talk about what you're doing right before like oftentimes it'd be like this guy would need like i had to go through the spreadsheet and make sure the times really correlate with the thing like some boring thing and i'm like i have to write a joke about my discharge or whatever it was and then he'd be like what and he's like are you nikki i'm like yes he was like i go how many times have you done this it was such a cool thing it was called like something buddy or like i forget

and i really want to do that again because that accountability buddy it wasn't no it had a really fun kind of cute name and it was will you google it brian to see if you can find anything it wasn't it is it's a accountability partner that you get randomly assigned to that also needs to get something done. And it is a free service. And it probably sets the clock for like 50 minutes. And it leaves five minutes at the top to talk about what you're going to do and five minutes at the end to talk about what you did. And you can't abandon your partner. You can, but it would be really shitty.

So I've got Commit Club. Nope. Supporty. Nope. Support I. But I guess there's lots of these. God, what was it? Focusmate.

Yes, Focusmate. Thank you. It was called Focusmate. And that's where you go. Thank you so much for looking that up. Yes. And you go and you can make an appointment. I'm going to do that.

That's so cool. I think that's what I'm going to get back into because I forgot about that. David says, I need to reply to five emails and book a flight. And Natalie says, I need to sketch a user flow. And then they both wait. And then what happens? Then they fuck.

I have to sign up to see what happens next. Yeah. So final thought, Focusmate, you go on and you meet a a person and you go like where are you in the world oh really like I've taught I did you know focus mate with like people in all over the world try to come over the country I couldn't but I yeah like I was gonna say

and then I just felt racist when I whatever country I chose anyway hey I had to ask you I'm gonna do a focus mate to come over the country for where my focus mate was what I have in have something to ask you. I'm going to do a focus mate to come up with a country for where my focus mate was. I have in my notes to ask you, are you excited to see me? Okay. So this weekend, I went to see Taylor Swift in New Orleans.

My weekend was insane. Let me just walk you through it. Los Angeles, Thursday night, NFL, live on TV, Amazon Prime. Friday, fly to Fort Lauderdale, do a show, and also a Playboy interview, and also a photo shoot after the show, also hair and makeup, and a meet and greet. Saturday, early morning, 7 a.m., hair and makeup, 9.30, interview until 11.30, then drive to Fort Myers, two shows with a meet and greet in between insane then sunday fly to new orleans fort eras and then um monday fly to the the gig that i've been talking

about that i'm just i don't even want to give specifics because i'm just i i'm still in process i'm still in the trauma of it okay so then fly to another country to do a gig on Monday and then Tuesday back home that was last night you had your passport on you? yeah I always had my passport also Jen has bring your passport in bold written the week before throughout my

calendar so it's really there's no way I could forget my passport's expired I gotta get on that oh fuck yeah and we all gotta get our real IDs. I got my real ID the year that we needed to. What? Because I knew,

because it was like right after COVID, I knew it was gonna get harder and harder to get to the DMV to do this. So when it was like during COVID and nobody wanted to go there, that's when I went. I will be getting my real ID May 25th. I think the cutoff's like May 26th.

I will be getting mine the day before. It's just ridiculous. But what is it a huge process? Is it okay? No, no. But what's hard is that as you get closer to that date, the line at the DMV is just going to get longer and longer.

You do it online. Yeah. I voted early yesterday and the line was ridiculous. You have to go to the DMV to do this. So long. I have to travel on the day that i'm voting well you can vote early tomorrow oh that's true maybe i'll go do that tomorrow i've already voted yeah you can even vote today um that's true again tomorrow you can vote as many

times as you want this year um they'll use this uh i know this will be the poll quote poll quote yeah um they don't know i'm voting for so then but on sunday i went to eras okay in new orleans with khaki and current chris's brother and sister and it was so much fun so glad like at the last second i was maybe not gonna go because i'm like i can't i i should have in hindsight i shouldn't have gone i should have prepared for the show that i can't even talk about because it was so uncomfortable and I could have maybe done better had I prepared but probably not because it was a lot of things that I couldn't control about it but anyway for Gabriel Iglesias that would have been so much more fun I can't I can't wait to talk about I like it's too fresh for me I'm too too wounded. But in hindsight, like it,

I'm already mad that I already talked about it. I promised myself I wouldn't because I don't want anyone to think that I'm not being like having like killing it right now in life. But I had a rough night of work. I mean, that's your, this is your brand. I know,

but like, it just, it's, I don't know. I just want the people that I consume and like think are great. Like I don't ever want to hear about them failing until it's like years later and then they can talk about something that they failed at. Like it's.

And laugh about it on Conan. Yeah. Like, like the person I like now would never do that. Like, I don't know. I just have these expectations for myself that I know that everyone doesn't, but whatever. So we all have bad nights. And, um, but anyway, so I went to Eras and I'm in the gym right before it. Uh, I know, I know the timing to Eras and I'm in the gym right before it.

I know the timing of Eras, right? Like I now I used to like not see the opening act because it's like I'm going to be on my feet for three hours and 45 minutes. Like I don't need to add the opening act to that, even though I do love Paramore, even though I do love Haim. I actually did see Haim in L.A., but I generally just get there a little late. And I know that's disrespectful and I'm sorry to opening acts. I've been one before too. And I get it, but you got to understand. Anyway, Grace Abrams, I'm not skipping that.

Like she's a part of it for me now. She's like literally, like I'm Taylor Swift levels of obsessed with Grace Abrams music right now. It's like in my bones. I love it so much. So I'm so excited to see Grace. So I'm like, okay of obsessed with Gracie Abrams music right now. It's like in my bones. I love it so much. So I'm so excited to see Gracie. So I'm like, okay, we got to get at.

I know the exact time we're going to make it there. I go down to the gym to work out and there I'm getting a little nervous because it's like there are these four women come in and they are getting ready for the show in the gym because their room isn't ready yet. And they're being really cool about it, by the way, even though their room should have been ready it was 4 45 but they're getting ready and i'm like oh should i be getting ready and then i'm the only one in the gym and i'm like and i'm looking outside and there's just like throngs of people on the street dressed and like all going to the show and i'm like man i'm late it doesn't really have anything to do with it i was kind of panicking

and and they were kind of looking at me and then they started playing music on their phone to like get ready with even there's four women in their i would say early 40s mid to early 40s all getting ready and um and i was listening to music and i go i guess i don't need music let me just like chill with you girls and they're like oh we're so sorry i'm like no this will be so fun and i'm like is it your first show and they were like yeah and they were like have you been before and i'm like uh-huh and they're like how many times and i'm like, have you been before? And I'm like, uh-huh. And they're like, how many times? And I'm like, I don't really want to say. I really don't like to tell people anymore because it just is not. They just are so confused and they don't know what to say.

So I said, this is going to be my 20th. And they go, are you in her family or something? And I was like, no. Which is really funny i was like i wish no i um i just don't have kids is my answer because these women clearly did and um and and i say that just because they seemed basic and so um i not that it's basic to have kids but like if you're basic like not everyone who's has kids is basic but if you're basic to have kids, but not everyone who has kids is basic, but if you're basic, you have kids. I guess my argument, I'm sorry.

I'm a mama bear. Yes, this was giving mama bear. And I'll get to that in a second. So these women were getting ready and they were so cute and having so much fun with it. And they were like, we're so glad we did this. We almost didn't do this. It was going to be such a fun night.

And then I was just overhearing their conversation conversation and then the one was like can i just ask you a question and i was like oh here it is yes i am you know she goes do you drink and i was like i don't and she was like uh makes sense anyone who's fit they don't drink i gotta stop drinking and i was like that's not actually true i was like i literally just got fit like a couple months ago like i this is new to me. And this is on, that was honestly my first like free weights workout ever. Maybe my second, like I'm doing free weights now. Um, because I did them with Kirsten when I was in Kansas city and my body hurts so bad afterwards. I realized Pilates is not doing everything I need it to be doing,

which is really disheartening. So now i'm doing like weight workouts and no replacement for weights there isn't it fucking sucks because weights are so hard and they're dirty and like you just always feel like you're doing it wrong and you're always like kind of like having to like go a guy is there and you go oh did you were using those and they never have three pounds it's always five pound and there's only one set of five pound there's only one set of 10 pound and that's guess what that's what most women are using are five and ten pound and so if there's one other woman in the gym you have to use the 10 pounds and you don't have enough arm strength to use dudes have this too with 25 and 30 i'm sure yes i'm sure why don't we just make lots of 20s

and 25s and why don't we make lots of fives and tens and 7.5s but we don't anyway so i'm doing this and i go to be honest with you i just started working out like this like i'm not a naturally fit person you and i quit drinking like you know i think it's 2011 is it 14 years ago and um and she was like no i gotta quit and whatever so that was part of so they were but she's not going to because basic right so um and it sounds like i'm being catty but this is what it brought me to like this is just not the attitude that i think anyone should have and i'm just want people to be better okay so these women were all talking about their husbands and one of them and i i'm so sorry if this gets back to you girls i really did like you i just didn't like this one comment you made and you were basic but that doesn't that's just me being jealous that you have families and lives that are predictable and mine is not.

And so I have to make yours seem worse to me because I'm jealous of it. So it's really out of love and jealousy. That's where it's coming from. It's out of love and hate. It's not hate. But I did not like this and I think everyone can be better. And I only didn't like this because I do it sometimes too. And I think we can all be better.

And so please just know if you're listening to this, this somehow made it to your ears, ladies. And by the way, when I told them I didn't have kids, they go, well, we have a friend, Stephen, downstairs. You should meet. And I go, I didn't say I didn't have a boyfriend. It's not like... It's a package deal.

It's so funny to me. They just assumed I was single because I don't have kids. There's a guy down there who would love to give you kids right yeah i would love to come inside you steve martin yeah and so they go one of them asked the other one is your husband a swifty like is is brian is does he like taylor swift and she was like well you know he doesn't have a choice i'm listening to it all the time and he acts like he's annoyed but I see him like the other night we were listening to 1989 all night long and then later on I heard him saying like singing to himself I was excited to meet you and the song is enchanted and it's I mean I'm enchanted I was enchanted to meet you but

Brian said excited and she goes and I said to him excited you you, but Brian said excited. And I said to him, excited? You think she said excited? It's enchanted. Excited? Oh, my God. Why would she be excited to meet someone? It's like shaming this guy. I'm like, why would you have that response to your boyfriend who is tolerating this music that he is not prone to listen to?

He's finally becoming a swifty why would you discourage him by berating him and being like you're so cool because you know the lyrics by the way enchanted and excited aren't not synonyms you can eventually get to them it's not crazy it's the same amount of syllables it is the same letter and i was very very annoyed that she she discouraged. Because if I got lyrics wrong to something and someone who loved this person was like, oh my God, it's enchanted, not excited, you fucking idiot. You fucking retard or whatever they would say to me. Like this tone that this woman had with her husband. But by the way, divorce her immediately if this is you, Brian.

Because she's not you, Brian. But like this guy that she was talking about like I was just like I hope that he leaves her because this was so mean why wouldn't she go oh my god that's like if Chris did that I would be like babe I love that you are singing it that way like let's change it let's now sing let's call that song excited

and let's like make shirts that say excited like I would make it a thing I would because don't you want to bring your partner into something you love instead of berating him and shaming him for getting it wrong it's also fun to make up the lyrics to songs i sing the songs wrong all the time i would be like it's in it's uh eggplant to potatoes and i would just be singing that over and over again in the kitchen while i'm cooking yeah that's a hit um i'm sure she was virtue sign or like not virtue signaling she was performatively saying this to her friend to prove just what

a swifty she was big swifty yeah i know even that is like just be like i just want everyone as someone who came into football with no knowledge of it and honestly probably didn't want to even learn about football because i was so ashamed of how far behind i was that's the kind of thing that i was scared of getting met with when i didn't understand things is like what you thought it was this it's that like football fans are just much more welcoming than swifties that's just what it comes down to and not general like generally swifties i think like swifties i'm not just talking to swippies i'm talking to anyone about anything where you're the expert and it's your thing when someone is trying or it's like absorbing and they're getting it a little bit right like encourage them don't like shame them about it

so i just like felt so bad for this guy and and by the way that your big stance and like you are making such a big joke of your husband getting a word slightly wrong like this is what made me be like these women need to quit drinking and need to get more better personalities and have more interesting things to talk about because this is not interesting it wasn't funny add that like the irony is that you have a great motherly quality that is such a great quality to have as a mother to like teach kids without judging them you should go meet with thank you that's so nice i don't want to play with them but i do want to teach them that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you're eager to learn and like this poor guy like liked this song and you know he'll never hum another fucking it's so berating to enjoy taylor swift ever again it's done it's done for him so

encourage people to fuck up if they're trying to like a thing that you are such an expert on because you met her once when she came to that whatever these poor women i know this is going to get back to them there's going to be someone who connected that they were getting ready in a gym my friends got ready in a gym this weekend in new orleans holy shit then i gotta send this podcast to them don't do that that's so mean don't do that to your friend either that's a mean thing to do um i'm sorry if those are you but um and you probably were exaggerating the story to be funnier which i've done before too and i'm probably exaggerating exaggerating the story to be funnier, which I've done before too. And I'm probably exaggerating this story for it to be funnier and it's not.

Um, so we've all been there, but like that really, I just felt for that man, um, where it's like, just don't be a mean woman. That's,

that's true. It like, I felt like I was watching like, uh, an episode of yes, dear or something. You know what I mean? Like where you're like, where it's like in the nineties, every woman was just like, uh, I felt like I was watching an episode of Yes, Dear or something. You know what I mean? Yes.

Where it's like in the 90s, every woman was just like, ugh, my dumb husband. It really ruins the idea of marriage to me, watching Tool Time or whatever, Home Improvement. Oh my God, Sean O'Connor said the funniest thing this weekend. What? When I was talking about, I was talking about if I make my own tv show like

you know like i think i said this the other day about nobody wants this like it was irritating to me to watch nobody wants this because she's the host of a podcast and i've thought about making a tv show where i'm the host of a podcast and people are like you can't do that it's already been done on sex in the city you can't do that again and it's like yes you can like you can do anything and he goes he because i was like i'm tired of trying to come up with like jobs for my character that i would never do you know like i i i'm going to be a host of something i'm going to be an entertainment like i'm not going to be the owner of a gift shop at the mall or what you know like that's just not if i'm going to play a character that's me that. That's not going to be a good show because it's not going to be what I would

do anyway. And he said, yeah, like for like, you know, tip, like that's why Seinfeld worked. Like they just made him a comedian.

Cause that's like, he wasn't trying to be anything else, which was a really kind of novel thing to do back then to have like a show about a comedian, because it was every, every comedian that had a show about themselves would just like make a new job up and he was like like tim allen they made him the host of a a tool show which is not even a thing and i was like it's so funny that's so true they made

up this like genre of show that doesn't even exist just so tim allen could have a job that wasn't stand-up comedian even though that's like what they were trying to what can we plug him into where he tells jokes oh a comedy tool show and it was so effective like so many people thought he actually did that dude it it i thought that was like they yesterday was like bob vila this old house but there wasn't like a live audience tool show like a moment proofing show where there was like a where there was a guy that was just making jokes the whole time like so it's and i don't even know what i was trying to get with this but like um yeah i guess i was excited to meet you guys um or enchanted whatever it is um

um i guess that's our show check out anya's album asteroid out available now on your marina.com get a girl shit t-shirt um see us on tour the dates that i need to plug where you guys are not buying tickets to which it's so nice that i don't have to plug dates anymore you guys are coming out in full force i'm adding shows just added new york city added chicago theater second show like these are huge venues that i the first time around i was like couldn't even sell out and now i'm selling two shows it's like i'm so grateful thank you so much but the towns where i need to promote memphis and that's the 23rd i believe with november memphis come on out for that there are tickets still available

that i need to push and then um this weekend in tulsa i think there are ticket that one isn't selling as well i mean i guess that's just like uh in oklahoma tulsa oklahoma and that is going to be on i think that's friday right anya we're in oklahoma city on friday and then tulsa on saturday so tulsa i think oklahoma city is probably close to sold out or or sold out and then tulsa there are tickets available this weekend if you know someone in Tulsa. Don't send this to your friend if she got ready at the gym in New Orleans for ERAs.

And then check out all my tour dates. NikkiGlaser.com. So many new ones added. Besties coming up to shows. The greatest group of besties. Oh yeah, I'm going to Australia and New Zealand this summer. Fucking nuts, dude. I'm so excited for that tour. I can't. I'm going to Australia, New Zealand this summer. Fucking nuts, dude. I'm so excited for that tour. I can't believe I'm going to a

place I've literally never performed stand-up comedy. Wow. And that there are going to be people who know me there that come out to shows. Oh, yeah. They're going to love you. Wild. Noi way. Noi way. That's what I'm saying to that. And then I just want to thank the besties that have listened to every single episode of

every podcast i've ever done i forget your names now but you came to the show this weekend in fort myers i'm so sorry i forgot your names you were so amazing i loved hugging you i loved seeing you you made t-shirts that had a reference to something from high school that like i sent to my girl like my girlfriends from high school and they could not believe a t-shirt got made with a reference to j holly is the biggest fuck in all of fort myers i'll just leave it at that like j holly himself i told him that and he said oh my god like you blew people's minds this weekend's girls with those shirts that you made me in the hat you made me thank you so much to every bestie that comes out you don't need to bring me gifts but man that that really was like so funny um i love seeing you guys i love you um and thanks for listening

don't be good bye the nikki glazer podcast is a production by will ferrell's big money players and i heart podcast created and hosted by me nikki glazer co-hosted by brian frangie executive produced by will ferrell han saniani, and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lean and Loaf. Video production, Mark Canton. And music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube. Follow at Nikki Glaser Pod and subscribe to our channel. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's

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