The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #488 No One-On-Ones For Nikki, Brian's Over Vegas & A Lie Pie!

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

Nikki could really use a massage, but she's not trying to get mildly assaulted, thanks. Brian is still low-key confused about his Sting concert in Vegas and almost getting into a fight. Nikki is over being upset about the election, but she’s not going to stop being disappointed deep down in her soul. Thankfully, Chris is back in town, so it's time for some couch dates. But seriously, don't invite Nikki to a one-on-one date, make her the third or fifth. Gen Z Em has definitely rubbed off on how Nikki texts. Final thought: Nikki does not give a single f about a person she catches in a lie. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's Nikki Glaser Podcast.

How are you out there? I'm in St. Louis. Brian's with us. Noah's with us. How are you guys? Well, I'm fine. Good. Same. I'm feeling fine. I just got a facial.

It was relaxing. It was... That's when they cut up your face a little bit? No, this one is just it's like all just yeah they can be well laser facials are horrifying or can be but like it was just a relaxing facial it was awesome oh it felt so good like a massage on your yes yes and i'm thinking about like getting an actual body massage pretty soon, which I've sworn off because I always regret them.

And I always feel so used and slutty after it. Not slutty, but I feel a sense of shame whenever I leave a massage place because I just feel like a commodity. Wait, they're the commodity, I guess. I feel like we had a thing you know and now it's over and now you're just like they're just like get out of here and it's like it's never long enough but then when it is too long i.e 90 minutes you think you want that you do not want that long it feels too long and i can never kind of guess what i want in the moment foot massages are the only thing that i can really reliably know the time limit it limit and you can keep adding to it but a massage you'll book and

you'll be like I want an hour and then when it's never long 50 minutes is never long enough and then when you book 90 minutes it's too long and it if it's not good right away you just spend the rest like an hour and a half being like i hate this i hate that i like wasted my time and my money i i hate that i can't communicate properly that i don't have the balls to just tell this guy that this isn't how i like it done and then you just like it just oh and then you're sticky afterwards you have to put back on your socks and your clothes that now feel like dirty it's not good but i think i just might need one i'm just so sore and um i'm i'm just thinking i i'm just kind of craving it it's good but i know i'll regret it

if it's the worst when you're getting a massage and you tell them oh that's not enough pressure that's too much pressure and then they go oh okay and then they change whatever they're doing and it's still not good enough or it's wrong oh my god and then you feel bad like saying something like criticizing them twice which is it is it criticizing to say that i don't like what you're doing like is that mean is that like where's the line i just don't know well i just say i just raise my hand and i say you're a bad masseuse that probably isn't the perfect approach well i said and i i start waving or i start screaming and run out of the room while you're naked i go you're a bad masseuse that i run and scream is that i yeah more i always want more pressure and then i but i just feel bad because their hands hurt and i know they do and so then i feel like if i don't get a man i feel like the woman's hands

are too fragile and i'm hurting her and and then if i get a man i feel like he might rub his balls on me in some way because like that is a thing that happens where they'll just surreptitiously like grace their penis across your hand. And it's not enough to be like, that's assault. So you don't say anything and then they do it again and you go, well, if he does it one more time and then he does, but the massage is almost over. You don't want to make a big thing of it. So then you've just been assaulted mildly yeah and that is why i don't when i go get my foot massages at the place i go to i do not go for a full body massage even though i want one from them because they have the best hands ever and they don't take it personally when you tell them what you want but because i've had

my hand touched by a loose sack so many times that i can't convince myself it's like the lotion hanging off their belt or whatever it is that just hit my hand. I just can't go back. I mean, it's interesting. I usually pay extra for the ball sack on the hand thing. It's like a $10 add-on. And I probably do. They probably add it on and I don't even notice.

It's like a gloss when you go get your hair highlighted. And they go, do you want a gloss? And you go, yeah. And you don't realize it's $70 when you said, yeah. You just thought it was like a new product they had to try and they wanted to test it out. They totally get you. I will say this. The best massages I've ever had,

I can recall three specific masseuses that I've had massages from. One of them was this athletic, gigantic man who would literally put his knees on my hamstrings, climb up on the table. Yes, that's it. And that was incredible. And then the other two were women

and their hands were stronger than like 95% of men's hands that have given me massages. I don't even mind if you don't use your hand. Use a tool. I watch ASMR videos of massage videos all the time. I feel like I'm well-versed in like, I watch massage tutorials

that are made for other masseuses like I'm not even supposed to be watching these videos they're like talking technically and they constantly talk about different tools there's like different little back knobber things that you can buy and use to save your hands like the back knobber or stone therapy like I think just

use your cell phone use your cell phone case the edge of your cell phone case to jam into my buttocks like if it's hurting your knuckle so much or it's hurting your hand i don't mind if you use objects no it almost might take it out of it it might not feel so personal and i might not feel so kind of violated at the end of it or you feel bad i don't know how anyone who's been sexually assaulted ever gets a massage ever again and i've heard from people who have been that they're like no i would never ever be like touched by a stranger naked it happens in reverse too the masseuses get sexually assaulted by men getting massages like that's what deshaun watson did the quarterback for the browns who's now benched for that no he was already like he

used to be the quarterback of the texans and then he went through this whole uh scandal where he was sexually harassing masseuses and then he was like banned from the league for a year or two and then he came back on the browns and he wasn't good ever again it's because and colin kaepernick um where is he now colin kaepernick i think they had him decapitated because he... No, but I mean, he's not in the league anymore, right? Oh, you're not kidding. Oh, yeah, he's not in the league anymore.

And what did he do? Literally, you're asking me or do you want to joke? No, no, no. No, I'm joking, Anser. But what did he do to get kicked out of the league forever? And then this guy who's assaulted, you said multiple massage therapists? At least 19 or something, some ridiculous number. Are you kidding me?

No, not kidding. And he was suspended for a year? A year or two, yeah. Take that hat off. And then he came back. I don't want to. And then he came back. And he came back.

But here's the rub. Why does that make sense? No pun intended. He was worse because after... It's like harassing those masseuses were the secret to him being good at football oh right it's like the tiger woods thing it's like the tiger woods thing no but i believe colin kaepernick like wrong to women uh like looked at a flag the wrong way or something and then they decapitated him but he's yeah he's out of the league it just doesn't seem

that's a controversy i don't think there's anything really... Is it? Yeah, huge controversy. No, no, what's a controversy? The fact that he got kicked out for kind of nothing? Well, a lot of people say... He would do all sorts of things where he would show that he still has the skill and talent

to be an NFL quarterback, at least a backup quarterback, but no team was willing to sign him. But the Browns were like, let's get this guy who's was kicked out for a year let's give maybe he needs a change of location and we don't have as many massage parlors in cleveland well the yeah the masseuses aren't as hot in cleveland so they right he'd be fine because assault is about being hot too that's um it's

all just doesn't make any sense but what does yeah what does um but yeah i um i have a thing i gotta tell you nikki please because i'm at a loss so i don't have anything really constructive to say anymore yeah so i went to vegas this weekend for my mom's birthday happy birthday mom happy birthday mom um number one thing is i think i'm out on vegas i really had an amazing time at the super bowl because it was the super bowl but now i've been back two other times this year and i realized that vegas is just a bunch of pigs getting shepherded from trough to trough it's all scams everyone's disgusting and it's just a city of literal losers. I'm not saying you're a loser in life.

I'm saying everyone is literally a loser because everyone there has lost within the last 10 minutes. Got it. Got it. Oh, like literally losers. Yeah. So you're all losers. I was a loser. I lost.

We're all walking around, a bunch of losers. Why were you there for your mom's birthday? Is that where she wanted to go? Well, my mom has had a renaissance in her retirement where she has moved to Florida and made friends with all these people in her 65 plus community. They all moved to the same 65 plus community at the same time because it just started. And so it was like they were all freshmen going into the dorms together and they all made this friends group and now my mom is more social than ever before she lives in port st lucie where that's right and so it was her birthday and they

were like well we travel all the time what do you want to do for your birthday karen did they get shirts they all got shirts that said uh port st lucie bitch on it and they no did they really though no no no no no shirts okay they but no they were just like let's go to vegas and They all got shirts that said Port St. Lucie bitch on it. No, did they really though? No, no, no, no. Everyone always has shirts. Okay. But no, they were just like, let's go to Vegas and see. And then the two shows my mom picked were David Copperfield at the MGM. And then Billy Joel and Sting at the Allegiant Stadium.

Amazing. So you went to Billy Joel again? I went to Billy Joel. It's the third time I've gone to Billy Joel again? I went to Billy Joel. It's the third time I've gone to Billy Joel now. I'm like, he's my Taylor Swift, basically. It's truly.

Yeah. So the thing I wanted to say what happened at the Billy Joel concert. And I also went to the Sphere. Is it the same stadium that we saw the football game at?

Yes, exactly. Yes. Okay. And I stayed at the Mandalay Bay because it's easy to walk from the stadium. I had it all figured out. Go to they joel concert sting was first obviously um and he was fine i just think that that type of music kind of bores me like it's like world pop or whatever

and it's just like this is fine i like it in the background but i don't want to sit there for two hours listening to sting song after sting song yeah it reminded me i like sting i grew up listening to sing and my parents volvo but yeah i could see they're kind of like coldplay-esque yeah or you too even there were songs i was like is this you too billy joel comes on and they he plays my favorite song first which is my life and when i went to go see him because they talk about stand-up comedian in that there's a perfect line it's like um yeah now he goes to the west coast and gives him the stand-up routine in la which is a great yeah yeah i always loved that i was like oh my god he name-checked stand-up comedians it's so cool i mean he's so cool he's so fun matthews also did in a song but

anyway go on i went to go see billy joel at at intuit dome where i said he was into it and then they played my favorite song there but he brought his six-year-old daughter on stage and she sang the song instead of him and i was pretty disappointed or when in the intuit dome yeah okay okay yeah so i was like i felt like i missed out on my favorite song yeah and then he literally said after like that's nepotism for you. Sorry. So I was like, all right. Oh, he's a self-aware king. Okay.

So he started off with that song at Allegiant and he was singing it. Thing didn't come out and sing it. His daughter didn't come out. He sang it and I loved it. And me and Allie stood up. We're not, we were on the floor. You're in like the stadium section where you, we stood up and we're dancing is there anything wrong with that no but i i mean i haven't seen

you dance really so there could be but you've seen me dance you saw me dance yes yeah you got you got trained to dance i yeah i think you're fine we were, but you got told to sit down. Yes. We had seats in this, in the stadium section where it's like in the, yeah, where it goes up. Yeah.

It's, it's deaf stadium seating. We stand up and we're dancing and we're having a great time. Everyone's standing up. Billy Joel just came out. Like nobody, nobody is standing up. It's in an old crowd or something like what's going on going on? And I looked around, and it's like, it's not, it's like, maybe half of them are, like,

you know, 60 plus, but, like, the other half are, like, me, or a little younger. So, like, nobody was standing up, and everyone was sitting there, just, like, listening to the music, as if it was, like, we were at, like, the Met, watching some orchestra play Proust. So, you guys got up and danced.

Started getting up and dancing. Did you even care that you were the only ones? You were like Taylor Swift's VMAs. No, we didn't care. Everyone's sitting and you are just standing up dancing. Yeah, we're standing up dancing. Celebrating music, letting it move through your body, being inspired by it, being without abandon

or with abandon. Yeah, singing it. Yeah. Me and Allie are looking at each other singing and dancing together and then someone behind us wait hold on before before this we get to this do you is there a thought in your head like oh we're blocking people's view like this is a little awkward we're the only ones dancing or were you just like this is just how we're gonna be because i've seen people like you before where I'm like, or not like you, but like people that like will bring a poster to the show. And they hold it up and you go, wow, they're not even thinking about anyone behind them. Like, I feel as if I would be a little self-conscious about standing up in a section where everyone's sitting.

Did it occur? Well, this happens at football games all the time where you know people stand up they sit down and just whenever someone in the front front row stands up and the people behind stand up and then it creates a cascade effect where everyone's standing up and this was the first song it's not like we were standing the entire time we just stood up and started dancing to this song oh man i can't believe what's about to happen someone behind us some faceless person threw something at us threw something at us oh my god yeah and do you know what it was and it wasn't even like what did it feel like it was like i don't know i don't know just hit us it didn't hurt like an empty water bottle something okay hit us well is it't hurt. Like an empty water bottle? Something. Okay. It hit us.

Well, is it like, did it feel like a penny or did it feel like a gum wrapper? Food. Food of some kind. Something blunt. Soft and blunt. Yeah. It was some kind of food, I think. Okay.

It could have been a bottle cap, bottle caps, food. It was multiple things. Okay. Multiple. Wait. Multiple things jostled at you things somebody yes and we all because it hit me then it hit ally and then it hit the person next to us wasn't even dancing oh my god yeah and i turned around and i was like your ear sort of bleeding yeah my ear was bleeding a little

bit and i turned around i put my fist in the air and I said, fight! Fight! You felt something, but you go, that's probably nothing. Allie felt something, but you both look at each other like, something's happening. Allie was really upset because she's a six. She's an Enneagram six. She was like, I need to be part of the team here.

Now people are throwing stuff. That really hit her in the core. Whereas I was like, well now i'm never gonna sit down because you just threw something at me i'm gonna stand up the entire but i i lamented to this and i and i sat down and we after the after the song was over i said but first i turned around and i was like it's a concert you're allowed to dance at a concert and also we were standing for two minutes like we didn't even get to finish the first song before you chose to throw something at us oh my god i would have we weren't gonna stand up for the whole concert we weren't gonna stand up for you know like vienna and uh shitty songs like but they don't know that and they and people are angry and they just

i know when i see people stand up right away at something that they're not supposed to and they're like blocking my view i'm like these, these motherfuckers are going to do this the whole time. Like, that's where my mind goes. But the thing is, it's not a you're not supposed to situation. It's not a you're not supposed to situation. Because then we're sitting there. We feel like the concerts. We feel restricted.

We're just like dancing in our seats. But then throughout the concert, there are when a song comes up that somebody loves, there are pockets of people that stand up and they dance. And it was happening all throughout. But the majority of the audience was just sitting quietly nobody was singing nobody was dancing there were pockets of people and i was you know what they're just kind of there they're not like participating that's right that's why i'm that's another reason why i'm out they're on a um what's it called an assembly assembly line. They're pigs on a conveyor belt going from trough to trough.

I even said it while we were on the conveyor belt. You're right. Going from New York, New York to Excalibur. There's this long single file conveyor belt where you can't even go around someone because it's a single file. I took a Weed Mint. So I was...

What? And? I'm on the conveyor belt and I was and I I took a weed mint so I was uh you know what yes and and I'm I'm on the conveyor belt and I go look at us pigs on this trough yes welcome the pigs sweet I just was yelling that nobody cares best place to be you could just be whatever weekend post-election I gotta say it was great it was almost like my my weekend of being in dallas and then iowa for two nights even though i had the best time but um yeah it's just like this week not to get into it but it's just like i just anytime i had to be amongst a lot of people that i thought just don't have donations like that i just felt like angry at i like when i got into crowds i felt i would forget about it and i would be fine i would have been having a great week and i'm like you know what let it go

like you can't control anything and then i get in crowds and i just kind of lose my mind and i've got i just i'm having actually a really good time in this new america because i don't give a fuck anymore i've got nothing to lose except all of our rights but i've those are it's not gonna happen those are gone already and i just feel free like i feel trump's america i can it's it's nice because like i yeah just to say one thing of it is like performing this weekend felt great because i think it was the elephant in the room before of like who's who's gonna vote who's voting for him and like not to say anything political because i just don't even want to know who did right like i'm just like

my audience i want to love everyone i just want us to like not have to be divided and i'm not going to do anything political because i just don't want the audience i don't want to feel anything up there that is like could even resemble resentment of people coming to my show but this weekend they won so like i they're out there i know they are like i don't even have to guess if my audience voted for him of course they did because everyone did you know so it's like now i'm feel free like i'm like everything's out in the open and now i can make fun of you because i'm not making fun of someone who's like embarrassed of what they're doing anymore like you guys are out about it it's not like i'm making fun of like you can make fun of you because I'm not making fun of someone who's like embarrassed of what they're doing anymore. Like you guys are out about it.

It's not like I'm making fun of like you can make fun of people if they're if they're open, you know, and especially if they win, you get to make fun of them now because you're not punching down. You're punching up. And so anyone who goes, I got no booze and I was going hard and I was having so much fun and I was just being sarcastic and silly about it and it wasn't like coming from a hateful place it really was like me just like being as fun with it as possible and it really made me like have a better attitude about everything and I just sensed that the people

who voted for him they couldn't really get mad and I was like if you want to leave leave but like you won so just let me make fun of you now like now now it's it's okay because before you you all felt disenfranchised like you were the ones that were the minority i guess in the situation and and now you're not anymore so now it's you it's it's kind of like this freeing thing that we can make fun of them now and they have like a better i felt that they

all have a better sense of humor about themselves than before the election because they're on top now and i think that's great i'm i'm happy with that result comedically i couldn't feel happier um would i sacrifice that happiness for anything to have gone the other way of course i would but um i'm just trying to see the the benefits of it of like it's it's helped me comedically a. I feel you feel now like they felt probably in 2016 when it was just like, now we're free. We finally feel this freedom. I think when they felt when Trump was elected the first time, I felt like Trump voters felt finally free to say or do whatever they wanted.

And now the reverse is happening in 2024 where it's like even though trump won it's like the democrats feel free now now it's the democrats who are like fuck all this who cares anymore whereas in 2017 when trump got elected it was like the trump voters like fuck yeah we want now we can say or do whatever fuck you woke pieces of shit and the democrats were all like we need to organize we need to, we need to organize. We need to isolate. We need to figure out how to perform the resistance in March. And now 2024, Trump wins again. The Democrats are like, well, fuck it. We fucking this is crazy.

Yeah, we're tired. We hate this. Whatever. Let's just accept part of it and fucking say i i let that feeling in occasionally where i'm like fuck it who cares you know what let me get on board with this because what's the point of not but you can't you really like you can let that in sometimes but don't forget like i i'm feeling like i i am i'm starting to feel like a little less incensed about everything that I was on, you know, Wednesday morning and nothing's changed since Wednesday morning.

I'm just being exposed. I'm just being beaten down. And that is not a reason to give up because you're being beaten down. Like, don't forget that maybe your complacency is because you're tired. So like, just, it's not because you, what he's doing is okay. Don't confuse yourself. Cause I'm even being like,

is he that bad? And I'm like, Nikki, nothing has changed since you've got no new information. And now you're starting to empathize, like wake up, bitch. Like this,

you don't even start to, you can still make fun of it and you can still, you don't need to be as heavy about it and hate everyone. But don't think that this is a good idea. Don't think he is a good person and don't think this is anything to be proud of or invested in. It's like, it's a fucking nightmare. But it doesn't need to ruin your life. But do not, do not do what I was doing about two days ago and being like, maybe he's funny.

And this is like all for the past. Like what? It was starting to happen to me. The brainwashing that's happened to more than 50% of America was starting to happen to me. And I, I have to stay vigilant on it and be like, no,

I'm not going to be complacent. I'm not going to just like accept it. Am I going to fight it and march in the streets? No, I'm not going to organize anything. I'm not going to storm Washington. I'm not going to, there's not much i can do i'm gonna rely on aoc to do that and i'll repost what she says i'm gonna fucking do nothing but i'm still gonna be deep down very disappointed and angry in my soul and i'm not gonna like him until he comes for my head

and then he's hot he's hot he did you see snl did exactly what i was saying last week no i did not on the cold open. I mean, I'm not saying like, I think a lot of people took this route comedically of being like, we love you and you're cool and hot and you've always been amazing. And we've always trusted you as a leader. We all voted for you. Like they are just like, everyone's just like robot North Korea. It's like sarcastic.

That's kind of funny. Well, it was really funny because what else you know on the night of the election on cnn there's uh this republican uh one of the republican analysts or whatever they're called he said a line that like low-key to use that phrase low-key was like very scary to hear and he said a happy Trump is good for the country which it's like the president doesn't need to be shouldn't need to be happy in order to do his job for the

country because a mad Trump is vindictive and doesn't Hillary couldn't run because she's like would get her period or something and then she would like that's right I guess they were saying that even then like we need her to be happy and her period might make her not happy yeah when when they have a picture of trump smiling like you know when they were doing like the counts and there's a picture of trump smiling like was that made ai like i've never seen him like smile with teeth like i don't

not with teeth i've seen it without teeth yeah he'll have like moments of like like little like sneers yeah like where he'll like smell shit and we go oh he smiled but he's literally smelling shit i loved bill burr's joke about the only time he's ever shown empathy was when he got x he was like whoever gets this fry is in for a treat did you see that part no was that that was a monologue he was like did you see how happy trump was at mcdonald's during his monologue bill burr on snl he was like it's the happiest i've ever seen that guy and he's like there's a moment and i'm paraphrasing but he was like there's a really long french fry or something he goes oh whoever gets this one is in for a treat they're gonna be happy and he goes is that compassion was that empathy did trump just like feel it was the only

time he could ever express it that we've ever seen it and it was such a great astute observation anyway we have a lot of show to get to we'll be back after this john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, so I was gone all weekend. I got back this morning, landed at 7 a.m., had a 5.50 flight out of Des Moines.

There's only one direct flight out of des moines all day so it was either get in at 7 a.m or 7 50 p.m bullshit and um it's one of my only days off so i had to get it back super early and then chris is here and i haven't seen him since i've been i realized in the past two months i've been in a room with taylor swift more than i've been in a room with chris more than I've been in a room with Chris Convey. Oh my goodness. Cause I saw Taylor Swift three Sundays in a row for four hours each time. And that is way longer than I've been with my own boyfriend.

Um, and so it, this was my first Sunday not seeing Taylor. And, uh, yeah. And, and so I,

Chris was here. I just called, crawled into bed and then we just barely could even talk to each other because we're so tired. And then we slept until 12 and then I went and got a facial and, and now here I am. And, um,

are you guys going out on a date? No, I can't even imagine doing anything like that. Like where did I, did I watch something recently where it was someone, Oh, we were talking about, I guess I can't really talk about this,

but we were talking about like, I don't, if Chris and I went on a date, I'm sorry, like, I would rather just watch TV on the couch, like going to dinner and like sitting across the table from him and being like, let's get an appetizer. And then, oh, what are you going to wear to our date? And pull out my chair and like banter with the waiter like that is not interesting to me at all like what is the point of a date it's to like spend time together and eat good food like just get take out and go on your couch like isn't that well that's a date i would you can do a couch date yeah okay well then we have dates every single night we have a date every single night but i think the idea idea of getting dressed up and going out and parking the car and walking in together. And he kind of waits for you on the sidewalk and then puts his hand on the small of your back and you kind of walk in together.

Oh, we're on a date tonight. We're a couple that have been together forever. But tonight we're hot and sexy for each other. No, you're not. This is an illusion. But you like going to restaurants and eating with groups. Love it. Love it.

But not on a date. Okay, here's my new thing. This might be controversial. Uh-oh. I don't like being one-on-one with someone. Yeah, no. I get it. I think one-on-one sucks.

I think three is the best even if you're best friends with someone adding a third is always gonna bring a like and trust me i think my best talents include lip-syncing to songs that i love and making it look really believable and fun that's my number one talent and number two talent is putting together groups of people that are going to have a good time together. And trust me when I say a couple is not the ideal group. It is a couple plus a third or two couples is well ideal. But I would say a fifth wheel is generally the best to have two couples and then a single person that gets to kind of bounce a beat kind of like the like, oh, this is our single friend and the couples feel like, oh, we're so sorry for them. And then the single person can see the couple dynamic and feel better about themselves.

And it adds some spice to it. But I think three people is always the best for a dinner. I don't like doing anything one-on-one anymore unless it's like an interview for a magazine. I can't carry conversation that long. What about a phone call with one person? Phone call. You had me at phone call i'm out i just don't call anymore i just i do maybe it's this maybe it's a lack of attention now or like you know i just want to be on my phone and and when someone else is there carrying the conversation i can look at my phone while the two people talk effort yeah

i think i just want to streamline my's a lot less effort yeah i think i just want to streamline my life to be less effort and when i'm with three people it's less less effort when i'm with five people it's definitely less effort and you can still interject or be like why did you just say wait wait that's fun topic let's go there and you can kind of like figure out like in d on Friday night. It was a huge room sold out crazy show. I sold out three shows in Des Moines, by the way,

things are popping off. It's pretty insane for me right now. I'm so grateful to people buying tickets, but Dallas was a 3000 and something seat room and it was fucking packed to the gills. And then after the show, I had a lot of different people coming backstage, just different people in my life. Some of them were two girls and their husbands or boyfriends, two girls that hosted Taylor Swift podcast and that I've befriended on DMs. And they came backstage and they were so sweet.

And then my friend Laura, who I went to high school with, who is also a Swifty. And then this other guy who booked me on a corporate gig, which I have to tell this fucking story. This is what I should tell. So anyway, this guy that booked me on a corporate gig, like years ago, two years ago.

Wait, is this an intrusive thought story? Um, I'm actually going to make it for the stage because it's so insane. What happened? Cause he, I did this corporate gig for this guy and i thought it went really well and then he told me a lot of aftermath the other night that i didn't

know about great like fallout from jokes i made roasting this company or not this company but these wharton school graduates oh and i did this i did this like roast of them two years ago and um anyway so they were he was there with his wife. And then there was another comedian there, Bobby J. Cox, who's been on the show before. It was a ton of people in the green room. And then I didn't know I had a meet and greet. So all of a sudden, I was plucked out. And I was kind of managing the groups and figuring out a way for everyone to talk to each other and get along.

And then as I had to go to this meet and greet i'm like um okay uh you and you talk you both like she's a swifty they're swifties talk about taylor this person you guys oh he like i just quickly had to like make sure everyone was grouped up right and then i was like peace and then i came back and everyone was friends and hanging out and having a good time. And I felt like really good about how I left it. Cause people were like, you could tell it was, it held things up for me to be like, okay,

first of all, before I leave, you guys need to talk because you both like this, but it really helped the situation to like give everyone a little basis of where to go to. But, um, well,

that's a great thing to do when you're introducing someone at a party, instead of going like, this is my friend, Dan, you go, this is my friend dan you go this is my friend dan and then say something interesting about them that the other person has in common and that's how you introduce yes yes it's just it you guys both went to thailand last month and after my show where i've been like really revealing um everyone's kind of just feels a little bit more open to be themselves. I think there's just like an,

a vibe in the air of like, we can all like be more open and honest. And so it's just a little bit easier to, to mingle and have fun. And I think that's also a Nikki Glaser specific thing too. Like just in general, you, you're a very accepting person.

So, and you also don't care about going deep about things and so that gives people permission structure to then say things like that to you which is not true of everybody by any means um yeah i do think i am a very um you can't really shock me and i i just know what people want, I feel like, is what I'm trying. I try to give people what I would want if I had that thing going on to tell. And so if it's like, I just got a divorce, I go, congratulations. That's really hard. Wait, tell me, how long did you know before you divorced? How long was it good? How long was it

bad? I know the questions to ask that will make that person not feel weird about it and actually be like oh that's not a big deal but also whoa cool like spinning everything to make it like i had a woman today telling me about how um she has a a young child and it's like really difficult because she just had a baby but she has this toddler also who's like really not easy and i said oh boy do i know what that's like and i bet i said and i bet you're comparing i bet it's very easy for you to see toddlers on tiktok and instagram reels where they're like mommy here's a fresh blueberry i love you are you crying mommy i never want you to be sad and then the baby hugs them and that's why all women have babies.

Cause I see this one video of a girl being like, I wish that baby. And she's like, what'd you say? That baby. Oh, what did you say? Stop it. And then you're like, oh my God, that's so cute. I want a little girl that doesn't know how to say strawberry. And then when I tell her that strawberry, she goes, yeah.

And then we all go, oh, let's have babies. But this girl was like, I'm in hell. And I was like, she didn't say I'm in hell, but I go, I know someone else who's in hell too. And let me tell you, she's an amazing mom and this is what's going on. And so I was able to give her a story of someone I love in my life who's dealing with the same thing to make her feel better about her situation. And I was like, and I bet you see those kids being so sweet. And you're like, why can't my kid be like that and I'm like let me just tell you

none of them are like that don't compare yourself to those kids and I felt seen and if you ever introduce them at a party you can go oh you guys are both in hell because of your horrible children I would I totally would do that you both have three and a half

year olds who seem to might be turning into Jeffrey Dahmer, like showing signs of psychopathy at a young age. You did it, not Google it. When does it show up? If you're a mom out there who's dealing with a kid that you're like, I think my kid might be a sociopath or a psychopath, you're not alone. I think most mothers are thinking that about their little sons because it's just like you. It's never daughters. I mean, it's the sons in the world. Yeah, that's the problem.

I mean, it's just it's tough out there. It's tough out there. But I just I mean, even today I was pulling into my facial and it's a road and a woman, a car stopped in front of me and she is parallel to the parking space. I want to park next to. Right. Okay. Do you picture what I'm saying? So she's right next to it.

There's an empty spot and her car is parallel to it right next to it. So she's blocking it. And that's not, I want that spot. Well, she's perpendicular. No parallel. So I'm like, so let's say the parking spot i would just spot she's blocking the spot but it's not perpendicular like the the spot is the same direction as her car is going so it's like along the side of the road oh i get it she's

just waiting like i get it okay okay on the side of the road park okay not a parking lot she's not parked she's just like idling because there's a woman who's talking who's standing in the lane like if i were to go around this person the woman talking to her on her driver's seat is standing in the middle of the road talking to her so i wait because i'm just like they'll finish up their conversation i know how this goes and they see someone waiting behind them and i wait probably 15 seconds which i think is enough to like even show a sign of like, okay, honey, good.

Like I just see a tap on the thing or just some kind of action that would body language that would describe these people are wrapping it up. There's nothing going on. So I lightly honk. I'm not even kidding you. Like the, like, let me do it.

This is a perfect impression. Like that. Like, you know, when you just like, like you pat it, like the, like barely even

makes a noise like where that goes drive around she goes drive around and i go what i go i want to park there and she looks and she's like and then i so i pull around which i have to go very around because she's blocking the street and i go i roll down my window and i get right up with next door because this is the america i'm living in now and this is the person i am now confrontational nikki that's right and i said you don't need to be nasty about it i just want i was just wanting to park right there you're being nasty and and i said and you're blocking the road you told me to drive past i go i said you just don't need to be nasty and then i drove away because i'm scared but then i parked and then i have to walk past this woman all right and i can't wait to do it this is the difference between me old

nikki and new nikki is i would have waited in my car for that woman to finish up her conversation because i can't walk past it. I couldn't fucking wait. Cause I was going to go up to her and go, I don't understand why you got mad at me honking when I waited for your conversation to be over. Who do you think you are that you get to just have whatever conversation you want in the middle of the street. And I'm the one that's being an asshole.

Who do you think you are? I was just going to be like, and I was really nice about it when I go, you don't need to be nasty. I was just trying to park there. That was my tone. I remember it. Cause I didn't want to be, I wasn't like go you don't need to be nasty i was just trying to park there that was my tone i remember it because i didn't want to be i wasn't like you don't need to be nasty i go you don't need to be nasty i just wanted to park there and so i was already like felt like i didn't feel like i had um lost my cool at all i've been actually pretty nice about it yeah so then bleeding out of your ear but oh it was i wasn't starting to

shake yet but i was about to go into a massage or like to a facial so i was like do i want to like elevate this and the answer is absolutely yes like i was so excited so then i start recording on my phone because i want to send it to girl chat and i was like okay so i just had a kind of altercation with this woman as i drove past and now i'm about to walk past her and i can't wait for it to begin again. And so then I look up the place I'm going and it's the fucking other way. I don't get to walk past. So I walk past.

You do it anyway. And then I was kind of going the wrong way. Then I had to turn around and go past her again. And I could tell she was nervous. And I turned around and took a fucking picture of her. Because that's what I do now. And I wanted her so bad to see me taking a picture so i could go oh what what and then i was gonna say something shitty about how i know who she voted for and then and she doesn't even know how to read that i could be a trumpy like it doesn't

even like who knows i was just gonna say based on what just happened i think i know whose side you're on and then i was gonna fucking walk away and um but i didn't do any of that it was just all in my head and then i went into the massage and i. But I didn't do any of that. It was just all in my head. And then I went into the facial and I was so relaxed because I didn't do that. So I'm glad I didn't, but it would have been a good story. But this woman looked a little trashy like she would have thrown down.

And that would have been exciting too. Or done something to you or your car that is irreversible. Oh, fucking key my car. I don't give a fuck about objects. I don't care about stuff. I don't care about things. Attack my car i don't give a fuck about objects i don't care about stuff i don't care about things attack my car show me what a weak piece of shit you are like if someone were to key my car i would i would actually think it's hilarious because it just shows how pathetic you

are like i think it's so interesting to me when yeah when people behave unstably something clicks in me where I I win so hard like if I get you to do something crazy I feel such calm and peace and it's it's one of the greatest feelings I've ever felt in my life when I see someone I'm kind of scared of be irrational and mean or oh my god oh oh I'll tell you when I get back from break John Stewart is back in the host chair at the Daily Show which means he's also back in our ears on the Daily Show ears edition podcast the Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, this weekend, have you ever caught someone in a lie? Like, you know they lied and they don't know that you know that they're lying? It's one of my favorite things that's ever happened where you witness something and then the person lies about

it and you and i don't even need to tell them that i know that they lied but i know now in this person i'm talking about i've caught twice in bold face lies and i used this used to be someone I had reverence for. Reverence? Reference? The reverend. Yeah, I was reverent. Was it reverend? Yeah, it was reverence for. Reverence. And I used to be kind of scared of them,

want them to like me. They're in a position of power. But I caught them two times lying about stuff that is so lame to make themselves look cool wow that i was just so fucking excited because i felt like i grew two inches like there's just something in it that i go oh my god it was all an illusion all along that i ever put this person on a pedestal or ever like kowtowed to them in any way because they are such a loser not the vegas kind like a figurative loser like or a yeah a figurative loser they they they had the like you lied like you're so lame if you lie like i love catching people lying because i just think it's

or keying a car or doing something that just like makes them lose their cool like you you lose when you lose your cool you absolutely do yeah that's a poster in a guidance counselor's office yeah or in a therapist office no one's been impressed by someone who like starts screaming or is the first to like say the weird wild thing and i've been that person before i mean i was almost at the taylor swift concert and confronting that lady and stuff. Like, but it's a nice reminder that as soon as some, I find someone has lied or has manipulated something or done something to look

cool. I just am like, I, there's no amount of them. Like they could be the most important person in the world to me. They're off their pedestal. They can still be a genius but they like they i'm really grateful i had this response to it but it just it makes me

not scared of them at all anymore there used to be someone i was terrified of okay i'm trying to say it without like saying it um it was someone okay it was someone who I witnessed have a lot of help from people to do something. This person didn't know that I had witnessed this help being given. Because I was on the other side of the camera. But I witnessed a meeting. They didn't know you were on the other side? They didn't know I was in the room while they were getting assistance for something. Yes. in the room while they were getting assistance for something. And then I, because

I had also gotten the same assistance and was so happy with the assistance I got from those same things. I'm not even talking about people. I'm just going to keep this as vague as possible. You're talking about the VP debate? I talked to this person

afterwards without any... I was not trying to bait this person into lying i literally wanted to be like it would it's it's as if i was to say oh my god um um oh it's like it's okay this is exactly what happened but i'm not giving details okay let's say that i witnessed someone let's say i witnessed someone buying a pie yeah from a bakery very common i'm in my car and i see them inside the bakery picking up the pie paying for it and walking out with it okay and then i get to uh i see them and they have the pie with them and i go oh my god are you excited about that pie and they said yes i made it Right. That is the lie that I witnessed.

And guess what? I didn't even need to, I wasn't even trying. All I was trying to do was eventually be like, how great is this bakery? How great are we that we get pies from this bakery? But instead I couldn't go anywhere with it because I was like, what? I saw you in the bakery.

What are you telling me? What are you talking about? And it was so unnecessary. And it was just a beautiful moment that I got to be like, oh, all of this is bullshit. Like, I can't trust anyone anymore for taking credit for anything they do. Like, it was just it was it was that kind of lie. But it was so fun to watch because it was like, I instantly went from being like, oh, I really want this person to like me to being like, I don't give

a fuck what this person thinks about me because they're a liar and I don't respect liars, especially liars that are lying so that I think they're cool that they baked a cake. This is Instagram. This is people who edit their photos and put filters and stuff on Instagram. Oh, when I see editing, I lose respect for you girls. I'm sorry. Like when I see girls make their waist look tinier

or put like filters on their face that are obvious, I get where it comes from. Much more so than I do the pie thing. But I just go, oh my God, she's, she doesn't like herself. Like,

and she's, she's like this self-conscious thing. It's a low self-esteem on Instagram. Like when you're constantly posting stuff about your relationship, that to me, well, let me just make a little distinction because I do feel like you can, I guess this person person maybe this person added

chocolate chips on top of the pie and i guess they can say i made it sounds disgusting chocolate chips on top i don't know i don't bake and i don't eat pie and i just think i would like that i think because it's just at who doesn't like to add chocolate to literally anything sweet maybe that's a brilliant thing maybe you would have won the british paychecks final thought i just think that instagram we turn it up right like it's it's lies but it's like you can find some truth and just like turn it up okay i have a tiny waist i'm gonna make it tinier i have clear skin i'm gonna make it clear i i look tan in this picture but let me take the saturation up so i look even oranger like okay there's a

hint of truth but when you are blatantly lying and also like not giving credit when credit is due in your lying that's gross to me and I couldn't wait to tell the bakery and I did and if you're listening to this and you know

who you are they know you lied about it too and we all know. And now we're like, well, I'm not selling any more pies to that person. I understand if you have an agreement with the bakery where you pay them to be like, hey, I'm going to say I baked this. And you know that I'm going to pay you extra to be able to say that I bake this because it's embarrassing. Like, I get it.

That is a thing that people do do. I've paid people to bake pies for me before but i i maybe the general public doesn't know i bake the spice but i will never say i bake them myself if asked but i don't not say it right but if someone asks i'll tell the truth that's the difference i asked i didn't ask but i didn't certainly didn't say didn't like it was just well and also it shows them fun to witness. I was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me is that I witnessed you at the bakery last night.

And now you're telling me you baked it. It was so fun. They're also, the motivation for the lie is to make you think that they're better at baking pies. And that's just, that makes it even worse because it's like you're risking getting called out on a lie just so that i think slightly higher of you yes oh you're right like it shows like they need to like demonstrate some sort of value to me i don't even think of that part of it

now i feel cooler um it just was so sad to me because i know that when i have in the past and i am not immune to doing these things myself like the the best version of myself would never do anything like this but i'm sure that i could probably conjure some kind of example where i took credit where credit was due to someone else i try not to ever do that i would never i really don't think i have recently but when i do in my life when i have lied i i feel fucking horrible for like oh it it really hurts me do you think these liars like feel it no and do you think that person went to bed feeling like i baked the cake or do they or whatever the pie they book the yes yes absolutely i don't think they hate themselves at the end no yes they do but not because of the lie from and i don't think they

can ever really admit to themselves that they hate themselves right i just feel like dirty when i lie and especially like i used to this is incendiary but i will say it i and i probably said it on the podcast before because i'm not really ashamed to admit it. I used to have, I had relations in the past when I was very young with men who were in relationships at the time when we had a thing. Okay.

I'm not proud of it. It's just a thing I went through. It was a phase in my twenties, not who I am anymore. And those men, I never thought like, I always assumed like they they're we're gonna break up eventually like this is they're doing this to act out to get out of this relationship

and some of those men fucking married those people that they cheated on yeah and i just can't imagine going the rest of your life knowing that you have this like secret lie that would if the your partner found out would ruin everything i think that would be really hard and i think it would give you cancer so if your husband gets cancer out of nowhere he cheated on you i'm just kidding oh my god that's the worst thing i've ever said i'm totally kidding but uh no i i i just can. I'm so glad that I'm not someone who's prone to being a bad person because I think the lying would really hurt me and destroy me from the inside. Poison you on the inside. Yeah. But no, the people that lie like the pie guy, they do not.

The lies are all that's keeping them together because there is nothing in there to poison. They're just a blanket of lies with a face mask on that's walking around pretending to be a real person when in fact they are nothing. So can nothing feel bad? No. Yeah, that's it was just it was the best thing of my weekend. And I just couldn't wait to tell everyone, which is catty of me because gossip is like is poisoned in and of itself like that's another thing that I would I can't wait till five years from now to be like if I was

a new gossip I would hate myself and it would poison me that's not where I'm at today I told everyone that wanted to listen who about this including on my podcast if you if you trace the analogy I think you could probably figure out in my world what this all meant um but i would never ever don't even write me in dms about who it could

be i'll literally never tell because i do still kind of fear this person but i on a cellular level i um i don't respect them yeah and there's another person I used to really fear so much. The most intimidated I've ever felt in my life about someone, maybe. Someone that was like, my parents really, we grew up kind of worshiping in a way. Interesting. And then I got to meet her and she was shitty to me real shitty like blatantly shitty evidence in writing shitty and i was so like i couldn't have been more intimidated to meet this person and then after they were shitty and kind of flew off the handle at me over nothing i was like bring i could do anything with you now i

don't care let's let's go i'm not scared to meet you i'm not scared to do a like a shoot with you like let's hang out all the time and it made it so easy to go do this thing that i was so nervous about it just made me going into that day. I was just like, I don't even care anymore. Yeah. She is, she is not a good person. She's like, she's, it's not that she's not a good person.

She just isn't well. And I don't need to be scared of someone who's unwell. I mean, I can be, and like, it's just, I saw through it. There's like a weakness to it. And not that I'm like,

I'm going to use this to my advantage. I just didn't have to go in there being like, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Like nervous. It just, it changes everything. So I hope I can instill in some listeners, if you see your shitty boss being shitty,

know that they're shitty and like let that allow you to like relax a little bit and not fear them as much because you know they're miserable and almost have empathy for them. Yeah. I mean, it's a good place to be no matter what, relax a little bit and not fear them as much because they're you know they're miserable and almost have empathy for them yeah i mean it's a good place to be no matter what even if they're not miserable you should never put someone on a pedestal for any reason like you're you're just it's it doesn't benefit you to put them on unless they're the queen of england and it's like there's

like a requirement for you to bow or whatever there's even that even then like there's never a reason why you should bow to anybody you should just talk to them like a person and it benefits you to talk to people like you're a normal person if there's nothing worse than someone coming up and someone smarter than me well yeah i mean why is that something that but but i've learned now now that if i do meet sam harris and he has to like talk to me and i'm like oh my god i he's probably like she's so dumb like i'm thinking that he thinks that he's smart enough to know that he's smarter than most people and he's not gonna let it ruin his day constantly you know like he right he's constantly he's the smartest man i've ever heard

so like everyone he meets isn't as smart as him. So me is not going to be any different. He's not going to like be like a true smart person would realize that there are that different people have different values. And some people have super intelligence, not care. Right. And you have to be smart enough to see, well, this person is pretty dumb, but they have these strengths. Yeah. Everyone's got some strength. That is that. That is a good point. I like being intimidated by smart people because when you think about it, you go, oh, if they're really smart, they're probably empathetic and understanding and realize that most people are dumb and they're not angry about it.

Or they're not empathetic at all. They just intellectualize the idea of empathy and then they pretend. And then you're also off the hook because they don't see it as a moral failing. They're just like, this is science. She got less brain power than me. I'm not going to judge it. But she can jump higher.

But if you worship people who are great athletes or things that aren't intelligence, they literally could look down upon you because you're less than. But smart people can let it go. I feel like it's, if that makes any sense because i've just spent my whole life being terrified of intelligent people or at least my adult life like oh my god i can't ever i'm not gonna meet sam harris like i don't want him to like waste his time talking to someone like me who doesn't have

the same vocabulary and it's like no he would be fine with it because he is smart yeah and also like even if you're smart, it doesn't mean you know everything, and everybody has something to offer. You can learn something from anybody, even if they're the dumbest person on the planet. Does he want to know the lore behind Tortured Poets Department? That's really all I've got for him,

that he doesn't already know it. I'm sure he has more to say on this debate. All right, we got to go. Thank you so much for listening to the show. We are going to be back tomorrow, besties, with more podcasts. We'll see you then. Don't be good.

Bye. The Nikki Glaser Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcast. Created and hosted by me, Nikki Glaser. Co-hosted by Brian Frangie. Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Han Sani, and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lean and Loaf. Video production, Mark Canton.

And music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube. Follow at Nikki Glaser Pod and subscribe to our channel. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show, ears edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more.

Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.