The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #49 Smoking Jacket

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she is loving St. Louis and her budding friendship with Joe Buck. Andrew is giddy over his upcoming golf tournament with Joe Buck as well. They discuss their wild St. Louis night and in the news we learn that Nikki's dream is to "get inside a whale", about death by envelope, what is stuck fetish, why it's a good idea to reset your phone before getting it repaired and that Nikki cares about a high profile getting back with an ex story. Today, Nikki shares a new segment called Slice of Life and plays a secret recording of herself. The Final Thought reveals what Andrew talks about to himself in the shower. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast,

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Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki.

Hey, everyone. Good morning, or afternoon, or night. It's morning here. It's an early show today. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. Hello. Gosh, what a good show we have for you today.

We have a fun segment later on that I hope you stick around for because, yeah, it's a new segment we're breaking out on the show that we've been wanting to do for a while, which is where I record a personal moment in my life outside of the podcast studio and then offer commentary upon said recording. And over the weekend, I accidentally recorded myself. And I went back and watched the video and realized it was really funny. And so I sent it to Noah. And we're going to explore that later. So you'll want to stay tuned. We also have Andrew coming in later to give us the news. Andrew and I had a great weekend. Lots to cover today. Andrew is waiting in the wings outside the door, by the way. He can hear everything I'm saying.

Usually he like stays in his room, but I think he's like actively out in the living room. He can hear me. It doesn't matter. Andrew is he went and got some Celsius this morning at CBS. I bit my tongue because it was funny. He has this habit right now. If you're just joining the show, Andrew Collin is my co-host and roommate. And I record the podcast out of a guest room next to my bedroom. I don't know why I'm telling you which room it is. In case you come murder me, you'll see the studio and then you're going to want to take a left

because that'll be my bedroom. You're heading to the wrong room if you're trying to murder me up in my studio um but this morning he has this habit of like leaving before me like when we're leaving at the same time he'll leave literally i'll be like oh i have to go get my airpods i'll go run in my room and then he walks out the door and starts going to the elevators which is like a quite a hike to the elevators I think I counted the steps the other day and I think it's like a hundred steps to the elevators which doesn't you know doesn't matter I just don't like when someone like we're even if we're going to different places if we're leaving at the same time just like why are you first of all it's annoying because you'll get to the elevator bank you'll call the elevator you'll get on that elevator now i gotta wait for that thing to go down and come back up because usually

the elevators are just like there's only one out of the three that's actually operating did i say any of this to him no do will i eventually confront him with it yes will it would it only be revealed once he's done it approximately nine times of course has he done it twice yes so do we have seven more to go before i explode on him yeah um but this morning he he has a big golf tournament uh it's not even a tournament it's so funny he um he got asked to be a part of a celebrity golf experience by Joe Buck, my personal friend, sports announcer, author, overall great person, St. Louis celeb, Joe Buck. And he, if you've been listening to the show, I spent a four and a half hour flight next to Joe Buck going out to LA a couple weeks ago. And we just, you know, you spend four and a half hours on a plane next to someone you just we and he's an

honest guy and i ask questions that i you know are very revealing i you know you just sense when someone shares as openly as you do and i got that sense from old Joey Buck and we just like became such good friends and the thing is like it's weird from the other night um I was at a barbecue at my ex-boyfriend's brother's house which I'm sure he loves that I refer to him as that but no um he's my friend and fellow comedian Tim Convey I was over at his house with his wife and they were having a barbecue and Andrew was there with his new girlfriend new girlfriend meaning like they just made it a fish but she's been around a while lover so we're all there and um the Cardinals game is on and we were talking about oh one of the people at the barbecue was an anesthesiologist and I go my friend uh went under for a hair transplant and uh it fucked up his throat and they were like oh my god and they were talking about it and then Andrew goes your friend

is on tv right now and I was like and I wasn't trying to be like my friend Joe Buck but I was really like how did that happen I never want to fuck up my throat it's already fucked up enough and then Andrew's like he's literally on tv and they're like wait your friend is Joe Buck and I'm like it's weird saying he's my friend because we don't like hang out but we spent four and a half hours on a plane next to each other you tell me how often do you sit next to someone that close like you don't even sit next to your spouse that close on the couch unless it's like date night do you know what I'm saying like think about how close you are on a plane and if you're actually talking to the person next to you it builds an intimacy between two people that that if we all force ourselves to sit next to

people closer and have conversations where your faces are so close together within inches apart we would all be best friends and have much better connections because you just you're kind of whispering like this because you don't want to bug other people whispering creates a tone of like this is a safe circle we can share stories so we became like I would say he's I'm as close to him as uh many many of my friends that I've spent multiple occasions with because of this four and a half hour intense hang. And, um, it's like podcasting. Like I always say that Joe Rogan is my friend because he is granted. I've only hung out with him outside of the pot, his podcast studio backstage at the comedy store for like minutes at a time. Like not like it fleeting, you know, we've never hung out outside the podcast

studio, but you're sitting and talking with someone for three and a half hours and i've been on there twice that's a that's a seven hour hang imagine if every one of your friends like when you get to a seven hour hang if you add up all the times you hang out with someone and you add it up to seven hours you go that person's my friend you start saying that your friend so my friend joe buck asked my friend andrew coll Collin to do the celebrity golf tournament today. But not through me. That's the weird thing. They both have a mutual friend. And so Joe asked Andrew, because Andrew asked Joe to golf sometime. And Joe's like, well, I got the celebrity thing on Monday. So Andrew bought a whole new wardrobe, golf wardrobe.

I can only imagine how much money this guy spent. It's none of my business. I mean, it really is none of my business, but it's also intriguing to me and I don't judge it. But he got all new clothes, new sticks, which are clubs. And oh my God, him opening the clubs yesterday was so annoying it was like again a kid on christmas i think because andrew never celebrated christmas he's getting all of these like ripping boxes open with like this like drool coming out of his mouth and like like like ripping it in a way that's like well we're not even gonna be able to recycle that that's just gonna we can blind the hamster's cage with what you've done to that box but nothing else it and yesterday when he got this box I wake up he walks into the apartment for the first time in the whole weekend because he was staying at his girlfriend's place he has his little clubs with him which I I surmise is the

only reason he even came home because he got a message that his clubs arrived. He comes in, he's ripping this box open, Noah. And I'm like, do you want to go get coffee? And he's like, just hold on a second. And I go, can you just like open that when we get back? Cause that's, he's struggling with it. And he's like, I just want to open it. And I go, but it'll take 10 minutes and then you can come open it and like actually play with the thing you're going to open. We're about to leave. And he opens it and he's like, just let me have fun. And I go, okay, fine. He opens the club and then he wants to take a picture with it for Instagram. And I'm like, and he's trying to hastily do it. And I go, why don't we just do it when we come back when they're like, we have time to take a good picture that the, the, the, when Andrew wants it, he wants it. I am someone who would rather wait for things to be perfect before I have them.

I literally just opened a present from my mom that was a Christmas present that I just never opened because it's just so nice to have a present sitting there being like, when I do want it, I have a present. Just knowing I have a treat is a treat enough. I am a pleasure delayer through my core. And Andrew is a, he just wants to just rip it open. His, his taunting of with my birthday gift the day before my birthday, as soon as he bought it, he just walks in. He's like birthday gift. And I'm like, just wait till tomorrow. I just want to open it on my birthday. And like, I see a Lulu lemon bag. Like, can you wrap it or something I know you you're good at opening things can you package it but he's just a little hasty boy and this morning he

was leaving as I was going to get coffee and walk Luigi he was going to CVS and suspiciously so I go you getting some butthole cream like it seemed like seemed like he was like, I go, where are you going? He's like, CVS. I go, okay, well, what you getting there? And he's in his golf outfit already. You know, he's ready to go. What are you getting there? He's like, I go, you getting some, uh, what's Recticare? What's going on? He goes, Celsius. I was like, okay, okay, you're getting Celsius. The drink that, you know, caused a little bit of a tiff, Celsius. I was like, okay, okay, you're getting Celsius, the drink that caused a little bit of a tiff last week. I realized why I hate Celsius, Noah. I looked at a can to really explore what he loves about this drink, because Celsius is good. I go, what is it?

It's not just Dustin Poirier drinking them on Instagram. The reason, listen, maybe that is the reason he likes them. I don't like them because they say they like burn fat. Like, and I feel like he's falling for that. I think he does think that they burn carbs and fat, like any drink or anything that tells you it burns fat. I'm sorry. Can we all be better consumers? Don't you understand at this point, listener? I'm sure you do. Andrew, I think, still has faith that there is anything out there that burns fat. If there was something on the market that burned fat, don't you think it would be what everyone would drink? Don't you think it would get around that this thing actually burns fat and you don't have to do anything else except drink this drink there is nothing that does that it's

all a lie and um listen i get tricked by marketing constantly i was gonna do a haul i just got a ton of uh sephora makeup and body creams and all this bullshit. I just like restocked, went nuts on Sephora. I mean, I spent a lot, too much, but it, you know, I needed all this stuff. And I wanted to get travel sizes because I'm tired of like packing these huge bottles to use like a little dollop just so I can have a serum. And I wanted to do a haul where it was like, hey guys, I just got this haul from Sephora and I wanted to talk through each of my products because it is interesting. I'm sure people are interested in what skincare after doing, using skincare for 15 plus, I mean, since I was 14, I've used it. So over 20 years of my life,

I've been perfecting my makeup regimen. And even though I don't care about that stuff so much, and I'm not an ace at it, I'm sure I could help out some people by steering them life I've been perfecting my makeup regimen and even though I don't care about that stuff so much and I'm not an ace at it I'm sure I could help out some people by steering them I've tested enough things that I like know what I like for some products and I would like to tell people I'm sure people would be curious um and I wanted to do a haul maybe start a tiktok account by doing it but I wanted to give the real reasons why I got things you know like I wanted to be like I got this Chanel perfume because um I just really love the first of all the color of the packaging got my eye and I think that that color equals a scent that maybe will make me smell good and make a man like smell me and stop and be like are you like you smell really good and then we strike up a conversation and then he ends up being really charming and we both he we both play guitar and he I'm like a little bit better than him so it's like

not as intimidating and then we can start playing guitar together and that's how we start out as like just friends and then I like I have all like each product I think is going to give me this life because that's the true answer all of these products that none of them some of them I'm like I've tested it I love it it makes my skin this way. But it's all essentially so that someone will love me. I mean, all of it. Literally, I don't think there's anything on there that's like, I just like to smell that way because me. And even if it is me, it's like, I think it smells good.

So maybe I think other people will. Does that make sense? Let's get Andrew in here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs

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That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show ears edition podcast dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and

exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season.

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the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery, a story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's up? Welcome to the show, Andrew. Now, why haven't you put on your golf shoes yet? Well're spikes i don't want to mess up the floor they're barely spikes they have a gentle gentle rubber like it's not spikes they're great for exfoliating yeah yeah no how much do you want to step on my face

with those shoes what do you mean i mean sometimes when i'm annoying oh well yeah but not yet oh you didn't hear my first part of the show oh god did you just make fun of my outfit i made fun of you opening that box of your club this this weekend you couldn't wait you're you just have these moments where you're like a four-year-old child and and noah just compared you in the break to um as you were coming out here and we had to wait for you um i thought you were just outside the door by the way the whole time but this noah described you as a kid on uh you know when it's back to school yeah and you get your new wardrobe a week before you're the kid that like wears it all before and then by the time you school starts it's dirty like you you got a whole new golf wardrobe how did you sleep last night knowing that you have a big old uh tourney today i mean that's not really a tournament what do you mean

i mean joe told us last night at dinner we went to dinner with joe buck last night okay okay yes okay i don't even know where to start here i walked into the house yesterday and nikki goes let's go get a coffee i go give me two minutes and she goes I want to go now I need to go now like that energy and I just wanted to open the clubs then you should have said then go and I would have been cool there we go there we go I know or you could have gone but two minutes no no because I'm so excited for your clubs you go why are you excited for these clubs no no you're so negative yes you clubs. You go, why are you excited for these clubs? No, no, no.

I didn't say that. Yes, you were. I didn't say why are you excited. I understand the excitement. My question was, why open these clubs? Why can't you wait? What is this? Why is this a big deal?

Can you let me just finish why I think you should have waited? Because I know that when you open something, you want to play with it. And I knew we were going to Starbucks. So if it was going to be two minutes, why open the club just so you can like see it and then put it down? It's not a vibrator. I just, I would have been fine. But then you tried to take a picture with it for Instagram. Sure.

I was like, what? Just let's wait till it can be framed and lit properly. I was excited, okay? For a long time, I couldn't afford golf clubs in New York. I didn't play golf in New York because you can't get to a course. It's an expensive habit. The only courses i could play in new york was this par three course by city field you said to me you go i didn't even know you were into golf when my 20s i was obsessed

with golf no i said new obsession yeah because i know like i am with guitar right now like i get i get very focused and obsessed with something it It's kind of like an ADD, um, possibly spectrumy, uh, thing is that you get ultra obsessed with certain things. And I just know Andrew is going to be like, all day.

Well, yesterday I, we went to bed after we got back from Joe bucks, uh, the dinner with Joe buck. So fun. Such a wild night. People from Joe Buck's dinner with Joe Buck. So fun. Such a wild night. Do people know we're playing golf? They do. I explained it.

You met through. Not me. I didn't take credit for it. Don't worry. So last night that we get back and he goes in his bedroom and I can hear him listening to things like he listens to stuff so loud and bad that sometimes I can go like, what is he watching in there?

Sometimes I think you're watching friends. I realized everything sounds like friends, but then there was no laugh track. So I go, what is it? There's so much of me. How much would you hate me? And I'm not going to ever do this,

but I want to know if I have permission to list, to try to listen to what you're listening to. Is that going to be, is that feel like an invasion? Because sometimes if I just got close to your door, I can okay i won't do it then i won't do it that's an invasion my room is near the living room you are off in a corner if i even go near your room 30 feet in there's an alarm that goes off and you're outside my door what was i listening to i didn't go next to i'm asking you for permission if i hear something can i get closer so i can

make fun of you for it later i'm trying to think what i was watching i almost next to you I'm asking you for permission If I hear something Can I get closer So I can make fun of you For it later I'm trying to think What I was watching I almost wrote to you And go what the hell Are you watching It was so loud

I'm guessing it was Golf related I mean you've been On golf TikTok You've been Like you are You are in an obsess I'm obsessed

I'm obsessed And it feels great It feels great To have a hobby again Yeah And I really did You had a hobby before. I wanted to write to the guy

that he's been going to these workout classes. I wanted to write to him and be like, sorry, buddy, your friend has switched obsessions. It's now going to be going into golf because I just know you can't juggle all these obsessions. I'm going to have two. Those are it.

Just those two. Just those two. Workout in the morning. And we got to call your lady. Podcast. Yeah. Well, oh yeah. Three.

Yeah. I'm excited. Iout in the morning. And we got to call your lady. Podcast. Yeah. Well, oh yeah. Three. Yeah. I'm excited. I'm excited for today. We're going to get out there. This course is apparently built in like the 1950s. Apparently. Apparently. Apparently my grandpa says that.

Apparently the course is apparently built in 1954. I'm excited. I don't know if they let Jews on this course. I think there are jews but they're underneath the green i don't it's one of those old warson yeah yeah listen we were st louis is as i've talked about it a very uh racially segregated and you know um economically segregated golf in general has been golf is like it's literally called the masters like oh my god yeah that's fucking insane yeah i know and the dumb jackets like last night we went

to this like after dinner noah it was so cool so we go we go to dinner with joe and his um his golf yeah bro his golf like tutor who he, who was a friend of his, that he flew from Texas to come and give him a lesson to brush up before the tournament, which is Joe does a charity, a children's charity golf tournament. That's what Andrew's playing in. So Joe had this pro come in.

Andrew had just put out a hit. No, just put out a request on Instagram, on his story for a st louis golf pro to help him with his game and then we get to dinner and joe walks in and goes this is my buddy mark he's my golf tutor or whatever and i go oh my god this dinner i am walking andrew is in heaven this guy's right out of tin cup have you ever seen the movie tin cup no but i know i know kevin costner is like uh yeah he kind of looks like kevin costner yeah he does have a cost yeah so we sit down and and andrew honestly before we the table got sat before we got sat we are at the hostess stand andrew is telling this guy about what his issue is of like you know my

hips one of my shoulders want to go into the wedge and then this thing like and i go i it seems it seems like a joke that he's starting this now but it's not a joke he's serious right now oh i grabbed the silverware i was like how's this grip is it too strong i loved it he goes this is what i'm great at and it's like it was such a fun dinner because andrew was having his like obsession addressed and talked about and i got to just sit there and kind of like hang back and just watch it and then it was so fun we just had a really long dinner where we ended up sharing insane fun stories and then we leave and we go to this so then joe's like illuminati party yeah joe's like um uh i, Joe's like, we shut down this place.

It was like, you know, shutting it down. It was like 10 o'clock. And we got there at eight. So we're there for a couple hours and we leave. We're a great time, by the way. If you want a dinner party

and it's like four people. Dude, if you want two people added to your dinner party, I'm not kidding you. Pay us to come to your dinner. We are interested. We're curious in other people. We're not going to steal to your dinner we are interested we're curious and other people we're not going to steal the show we are going to laugh we are going to get you to comfortable sharing stories that you wouldn't normally share you're going to have a great time I swear we are

really good high five on that high five like you're always we bound we bounce off each other and I can bring this guy anywhere you know I give Andrew a lot of shit but the the i have people might think that like why does she have him around if she's constantly complaining and giving him shit that's a just you know it's for a bit and it's actually you know we're friends and we live together so i get annoyed sometimes but andrew's legit like the best wingman for a party because he let he's very like he's you know he's just like a fun time. He laughs at everyone. He's being silly. I could talk to anyone, I feel like. You really could.

From poor to rich, from any ethnic, whatever. Let's not get crazy here. From like middle class. Yes, from middle to upper class. We're wearing golf clothes. So afterwards, Noah, just to make this real quick. Joe is like, I want to get a cigar. And I was like, I'll smoke a cigar. And you you don't inhale and i love the smell of cigar so i was like i want to get a cigar

and so we walk and i don't even know where we're going joe's just like leading us we go to i'm not even going to say where we go to this like ritzy hotel that i didn't even know existed and we walk in it's it's maybe the most beautiful lobby of a hotel I've ever seen in my life. And it's in St. Louis. It's like, it's the Ritz. Let me just say that because I want to shout it out.

It's like gorgeous. Please give me a free stay there, staycation. And then we go and he leads us down a bunch of weird hallways. I'm like, are we going to like an underground, like, you know, sex club? Like a speakeasy sex club like i was like what is happening so many weird hallways and then he knocks on this door and it's this unmarked door

and it's a cigar club and you walk in and it's like this like illuminati back door like you have to pull on a candlestick say a code do a handshake with the man who pretends not to know you and then he lets please please come in mr buck and we walk in this place and there was definitely like he was a sports guy some guy in the corner was like some like hot shot young sports kid i mean you go around town with joe buck in st louis he's he's he's probably one of the biggest figures here i mean there was a hockey player that knew him at Capitol grill, but yeah, so we're in the,

in the cigar bar. And I'm feeling a little nauseous because it's just cigar smoke and it's making me sick. And I'm feeling like cigar smoke. I didn't even want a cigar. I got in there. I go, I don't,

I just want water. Cigar club is like a hookah for, for the elite. Yeah. And no one really likes it. Everyone's just kind of like, what are we doing? Like, it's just, it's kuh. Nothing, there's nothing about a cigar place that is anything but kuh.

There are jackets in this closet that you walk in and you can swap out your jacket for another jacket. And I go, I guess a smoking jacket is so that you stink. Oh my God, that's what they were? Yeah, they're smoking jackets. Oh, that's what a smoking jacket is? What did you think it was? I so that you stink? Oh my God, that's what they were? Yeah, they're smoking jackets. What do you think they were? Oh, that's what a smoking jacket is? What did you think it was? I had no idea. I didn't know.

I didn't even think. I thought a smoking jacket, like a smoking jacket. Oh, like smoking. Yeah, it looks great. Well, they had this row of jackets that looked like the master's jackets. I mean, it's all the same kind of thing. Oh my God, so you trade in your jacket first? I wonder if those, okay, you trade in your jacket, even the closet you put your clean

jacket in is gonna smell like cigar smoke so what's the you just put on a jacket so you can feel cool yeah yeah i wanted a goddamn jacket i was annoyed that they didn't offer me one i think there needs to be perfume jackets when you want to cheat on your wife oh my god we had so much fun just hanging out it was like no i gotta say i'm embracing st louis life friday night we go to saturday night we go to a bar friday night i embracing St. Louis life. Friday night, we go to a, Saturday night, we go to a bar, but Friday night, I stayed in, I think, and had a great time by myself.

Wednesday, we go to a game, another baseball game. Wednesday, we go to a baseball game. Friday, I stay in, and I have a night to myself with my dog, and we just like bond. It's fucking bond. It's like hanging out. Just such a good night with Luigi,

playing guitar, just had a great time. Andrew was at his ladies. Saturday night, we go to a barbecue at Tim's, guitar. Just had a great time. Uh, Andrew was at his ladies Saturday night. We go to a barbecue at, at Tim's and we hang out. And we watched the Cardinals game and Dodgers on TV outside. Yeah. Like America. Oh my God.

It was so, it was the Cubs game. Oh yeah. What did I say? Cardinals, Dodgers, excuse me, Cardinals,

Cubs. And, and then we're watching a game Saturday night that our best friend Joe Buck is fucking in Chicago. The voice of we see him like get an Emmy on TV. We're like, we're going to dinner with him tomorrow. Cut to 24 hours later. We're sitting across from him.

Mr. St. Louis. Mr. St. Louis. We are. We're killing it in this town. I love this town. I'm staying in this town for as long as they'll have me. I'm we we're getting invited. We just solicited ourselves to get invited to more parties.

If you are in St. Louis and you think that your dinner party needs some spicing up or a barbecue or party, you get in our DMs and you invite us. Because if your party is cool enough, we will show up. We've got nothing else to do. And I'm extending this to 40 minutes outside the St. Louis area. Middle to upper class. Again, we will not be going. I'm not meeting you at minutes outside the St. Louis area. Middle to upper class. Again, we will not be going.

I'm not meeting you at an Arby's. No, we will. I'll stop by a trailer park for sure. What? Well, just to make fun of them and throw eggs. Don't cook them. No. No, we will go to your party.

I want to start doing this. I'm ready. I will go to parties with my friend Andrew as my, you know, just so I'm safe. Take us to your party. Try to make a party for the fact that we might show up. And we might. So invite us. We got to get to the news.

The news. Apparently. Did I say it like that? No, but I love it. Actually, yeah. I kind of did. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit.

A little bit. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Woo. A little bit. A little bit. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Listen, I hope you guys are doing well out there and you're enjoying all the swells. Oh, I love that. Can I do it sometimes? Yeah, do it all the time. Okay, I've never gotten to do it.

You know what the beauty of the swells is? Everyone has them. Everyone has them and everyone, i want everyone to ride those all day all week it's gonna be a good week let's get into the news oh i love this i love that you're taking half my job okay this is how i slowly get fired that's like wait i could say swells all right everybody i don't know if i have the swells anymore okay lobster diver oh man i heard about this that is a porn oh okay well i heard about this too lobster diver i bet we should do a game where you type in two words into porn hub and see what

comes up because i bet so smart honestly that would be so fun because some weird shit comes up i gotta start collecting porn titles when i see them because sometimes they're so funny but when i'm horny and looking for porn i'm not in comedian no you're not jotting down notes but that's but that's the key because no one is there's only one bit i remember patten oswalt does a great bit on this album feeling kind of patent about porn titles and like uh emails he gets with like ball guzzling sluts and like how the the poetry is like there's some really good writers oh yeah and honestly some of the captions have been getting me to watch the videos beyond just i used to just look at the

videos and like the scenes from them but now i read the description and i'm like oh wow she begs for mercy as she's where do you think all these like writers for like what are some of the big writing like that that have been uh like yeah i mean i love sorkin's work on black draw that's what i'm saying but like yeah there's so many like uh companies that are journalists that have been fired and and they just no one cares anymore and the guy that got fired for jerking off on zoom he's he's writing for tushy.com okay all right so uh lobster diver who claims he was swallowed by a whale yeah this claims is an important word here yes but he also survived the plane crash in 2001 that killed three

out of five people i mean that i think you can probably back up with some i don't know it was in the associated press okay legitimate story okay so i mean i saw this all over the place so he does claim because no one witnessed Him getting swallowed By a humpback No no He had a buddy out there He had a witness Jonah

Yeah Jonah's still stuck in there With a little candle Inside the They also went to A seahorse for And he goes Oh yeah

He was in there What Oh a seahorse Was in the article Quoted Yeah And he goes He was in there He was in there for quite a while

okay all right i'm just horsing around and then he goes i'm pregnant because male seahorses are the pregnant ones whoa someone goes someone had a joke that was like did you know that the male seahorse is the one that is the mother and gives birth and it's like i think you could just say it's the female one then you could just yeah that could just. That's a long road to get to. Well, you know that women like our clits are actually tiny undeveloped penises. So you can pretty much. Our clits are dancers. Tiny dancers.

Oh, our clits are. Tony dancing. Okay. Michael Packard says he was in a whale's mouth. Now, this is kind of great. For about 30 seconds before he was spit out while lobster diving i saw light and he started throwing his head side to side and the next thing i knew i was outside i am this is my dream is to get inside a whale i i love whales so much i would be like if

i was about to be drowned you do in there i mean i would thrash around and punch it and try to get out and punch its nose like a shark but i wouldn't i would i would there would be a part of me in the back of my head that goes this is a good way to die like this is gonna this is gonna they're gonna make movies about me invite us yeah if you got a whale in st louis we'll go out to st charles get inside your whale and that's all aquarium people hit us no i love whales so this guy got spit out by a whale he was in there for 30 seconds he was you know whales they take in a big mouthful of like plankton and stuff the baleen that does does the sifting of the water through and then they trap all the little things

and and apparently michael palisac or whatever his name is yeah michael ballard but yes i mean michael palisac is a comedian oh so he was like you know he was in the mouth was in the mouth. And then the whale was like, okay, this is a little. Obviously, there's something. Oh, God, there's a hair in my mouth. Yes, yes. The whale's like, hold on. So rude. The whale was at dinner with Joe Buck.

This plankton's pitted. I hate when I get a Michael in my salad. Now, when you if you were spit out, like, if you were inside, people are all... It looks like he just fell on a drunken night. He took a tumble

in some bushes. Oh, you think his wife gets mad when he drinks, so he's like, I fell on a whale. I was like, yeah, the whale bit me. It was a whale of a time. You don't even work in the lobster industry. The story has a lot of holes. It almost reminded me of the amazing Seinfeld episode,

which is one of the craziest things where Kramer is hitting golf balls, golf, callback, into the sea. And then George pretends he's a marine biologist. And he's pretending he's a marine biologist to impress a girl and they're walking on the beach and there is a whale that's washed up and they're like someone help the whale so george has to pretend to get on the whale to like save it because he's lied about being a marine biologist because people go is there a marine biologist here and he's like oh god damn it so he gets on the whale and the best part about that scene which i learned

from watching like reels on instagram there was an interview interview with Jason Alexander and Kramer or and sorry, Jerry Seinfeld about that scene, which is if you're a Seinfeld fan, it's an epic one where they're sitting after the incident where you don't see this happen. You just hear about it. And you see George Costanza sitting across the diner table with Kramer there. And Kramer knows he's been hitting balls and into the sea uh george is talking about so i i i climbed atop the beast he does this amazing monologue and he goes and i look into the bowl blowhole and i see that something's obstructing it's breathing so i

i reach down and he reaches inside his like shirt pocket he goes hey reach in and i pull out and then he pulls out a golf ball and kramer the way he shifts in his seat like pocket he goes hey reach in and i pull out and then he pulls out a golf ball and kramer the way he shifts in his seat like knowing he did it is so funny but he goes the sea was angry that day my friends like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli that's what it was but apparently jason alexander did all of that apparently um george costanza if you're a seinfeld fan you will care about this if you not, I'm really sorry to waste your time. But he did that all in one take, that monologue. And they were trying not to break.

It's one of the most famous scenes in, I would say, sitcom history. And they did it in one take. And that's just special to me. He probably was influenced by Jaws, the old man talking about the eye of a shark. Well, Jerry and Larry spent all night night they pulled an all-nighter writing that monologue and they were like they go jason alexander do you think you can pull this off it's like a long piece of text we want you to get it in one fell so we want to like try to actually get this and he went off and memorized it and then right out of the gate was able to do it and it was

like this last minute thing they did to the script uh he was probably like yeah i do broadway like i could do a monologue i could do a monologue about a golf ball he was on he's on to tell the truth i think tonight or last night i guess yeah and i'm like when you go do that show which i do i've done like six seasons you never know what celebrities are going to be on with you and i am now putting in a special request that i gotta be on an episode with Jason Alexander. Even though I honestly, I hear he's not that cool. And I really hate how he threw Susan under the bus. If you know what I'm talking about, this is for Seinfeld fans.

I'm really sorry. But even if you're not, this is interesting. Jason Alexander went on Howard Stern, I believe. And I think when you go on Howard, you just try to give Howard juice. And you end up saying things that you might hurt people's feelings because you just want to be like controversial but he told howard stern that susan who played his wife on the show who dies because she's licking envelopes for their wedding invitations because george skimps on the wedding invitations he buys the wedding invitations that have toxic glue she and he's wanting to get out of this wedding he's like how

am i gonna do this and then susan dies and everyone's kind of just like all right well george got what he asked for it's a very awkward scene when the doctor comes in is like she's gone and they're like what do you mean gone he's like she passed and they're like like dead and they're all like you want to go to the diner like they're all kind of like we can't be happy in front of the doctor but anyway he told howard that they killed off her character because Jason couldn't stand acting with her and couldn't be a good actor with this woman which if you watch Susan and George together it is great you would never know this she's an amazing actress and she got killed off because he didn't feel like he could be a good enough actor and it just you just realize like it was

a thing he revealed to be like interesting and And what it revealed was he got a woman fired because she affected the way he could act. And it's like, and she wasn't doing anything obnoxious. You know, she was just, he just, when he got on camera with her,

he said it was like, you know, like, you know, a dead spot on a tennis court where you bounce a ball and suddenly it's just dead. And it's like, but that's not the way anyone else saw it.

It's just how he felt, but they killed her off. Made for great TV. So anyway, we got it. Next one. I wonder how many husbands out there bought envelopes for their wives. All right.

A woman who is paid. This is, this is actually, this goes with the whale story. You might know this story. Maybe you sent it to Noah. A woman who was paid to make stuck fetish. That's a new fetish content for fans

she gets trapped in a metal folding chair and records firefighters rescuing her with the jaws of life on viral on a viral tiktok so this woman for a dollar 99 a minute will get stuck like houdini but she didn't mean to get this stuck no not that stuck i mean the firefighters showing up sound like the kind of porn i would be into so thank you for making that one because you look at these two photos there's one where she's stuck in the chair listen girls making doing things for money there was some oh last night there was a story told where some creepy dude asked a woman it was an anecdotal thing of like some like a guy in a position of power being like disgusting to a woman who worked underneath him and the story was that uh he had asked the woman if uh she would

have sex with her husband and he could just watch and for ten thousand dollars and i was like yeah i'll do it like i it wasn't even involving me but but I was like, I would do that in a heart. First of all, I think that's, it would be so fun to share with your husband. Like we're going to get $10,000. Let's like use it to, let's literally like donate it to charity and just make this money having sex in front of this old man who just wants to watch us. It'll be so funny. It'll be like an inside joke with us.

I won't feel alone because my husband will be there.'ll be a weird story we'll always have um i understand though that it is extremely inappropriate thing and like very felt probably terrible to the woman in the circumstance however if i'm ever in a relationship and someone wants to watch me fuck for ten thousand dollars i would bump it up to 20 at least yeah just so i could buy something substantial with it a new husband yeah yeah i mean like i would do that i don't i'm a little weird yeah i think well you know remember the movie indecent proposal yeah that's a completely different ball game of the guy fucking the wife that was a million dollars and they did it and it ruined the whole porn called hot wife okay well that ruined their whole marriage right because but if you fuck in front of a guy i mean

you guys get the guys in the corner yeah just watching yeah yeah i mean and he's gonna die soon he was an old man yeah i love i mean i love watching people have sex uh on porn um and so i don't begrudge this old man wanting to see it live and having enough money to facilitate that with uh i if it was about my boss obviously i wouldn't want this but if it was some old guy that i was never gonna see again he's because he's probably gonna die yeah um soon i wouldn't mind it and i would tell i would talk about it you know i think also it's like shameful thing what if i came in like three seconds that's 10 grand for three seconds i mean that is that's some bezos type of money making yeah that's you know when they break it

down and they're like jeff bezos makes ten thousand dollars every millisecond every three seconds i come i think like if i was the guy in the corner though if i was paying 15 grand i'd be like all right you got to go down like he i'm gonna get a little direction i get a little direction no i would have a very clear contract of like this is what you can say this is how you can give us a little direction i would but if i'm ever in a relationship and you're out there and you have a love,

you're a billionaire old man and you're not going to like videotape it or like, you know, I'll tell people about it, but you can tell people too. I don't care. I will fuck my husband in front of you. Well, that's the good thing about an old man because he doesn't know technology.

So he's not going to get you viral for this thing. I mean, these couples that do. He'll write a letter to someone about it. He'll write the news. He be like uh new york times uh old man saw written in dear abby column and like the classifieds of a local paper of the tribune next to like there's someone someone's selling a lawnmower and then the story of us fucking or whatever jesus jesus christ andrew why that was a glazier and slip yeah uh so yeah i mean like i see all these when you go to porn hub and it goes you know the point everyone who watches porn hub and it goes right before the

clip it goes do you know what that is sounds like like Rocky. No, when you start a Pornhub clip, every guy listening right now, and it goes, it means, it says like Pornhub community. It means like it was like a videotape made by people at home and uploaded. Like it's like, what are they called?

Amateur. Amateur. I like an amateur. I love that. And I, if I was not a celebrity, I would make amateur porn with my boyfriend in a heartbeat.

And I'm not leaving that. Look for me. If I've ever been not a celebrity, I would make amateur porn with my boyfriend in a heartbeat. And I'm not leaving that. Look for me. If I'm ever in a relationship, look for me in porn. I'm serious. I will be masked and I have no tattoos, so you won't be able to really identify me. But I would do it. I would totally do it. The mask blower.

There's something sexy about sharing that as a couple. I would never do it individually. Yeah, the masked gangbanger come in the fox oh my god who is that celebrity getting fucked by nine firefighters that's the show it's a pretty good show i have to go and pitch it i'm actually pitching a show later today i'm having a humongous pitch today um you're gonna kill it i heard the pitch i practiced all weekend um not all weekend but yeah we practiced this weekend so your girl might be uh making a show pretty soon with some really great people and

i'm excited to pitch today i feel so good going into this pitch where normally i would be like and it's over zoom so it's i like in person better but over zoom it just leaves it's just so much easier because you don't have the small talk before i mean you have a little bit of it but it's not as like it's not as uncomfortable or like kind of bullshitty um but i'm not nervous at all because i was telling my partner who i'm pitching with five years ago i would have been nervous because i've been like we i secretly don't deserve this but now i'm in a place where it's like if you don't want to put me on your network, you got bad taste. I'm going to knock it out of the park. I've put in my 10,000 hours.

I know what I'm good at. I might not be like Jean Smart levels of good. And my acting might need a little bit work. But I'm good enough at acting and writing and just being funny that I'm money in the bank for a scripted show. Especially with a team of people who are good at all those things that I'm not as experienced at, which is what I'm money in the bank for a scripted show, especially with a team of people who are good at all those things that I'm not as experienced at, which is what I'm bringing them. So I told my partner, I go, we go in there. I don't want to feel like you're lucky to be sitting across from us, but it's really important to remember that you're strong, you're prepared,

and this is easy. The three three things the mantra that helped me get over my dancing with the stars injury because if you go into something and you know each of those things in your heart then you have no reason to be nervous because they should be excited you're there like i'm offering them a tv show that is going to make them money and get them acclaim without question because the people me me and the people involved, do not fail when we really try something. We just are, we're pretty much. Yeah, you're a machine. Yeah.

It's nice to have confidence about something and I have no confidence in so many other things, but that I'm just like, it's just good to be at a place in my career at the age of 37, which only comes with age. That's the best thing about aging is that you have more time to say i'm like i'm better at a 25 like literally any 20 25 year old doing stand-up comedy i'm going to be better than you you might have a new fresh take or a thing that people but

technically i'm going to be better than you just because i have more hours in it. And talent, if you've heard my spiel before, but talent is not talent plus work ethic. It's literally, natural born talent is like 3% of it. I swear to God. And the rest is just how much you work. So if you find something you love and you work hard enough at it, because when I was writing the song,

really quick, people wrote me about which TED Talk I watched to write a song. Some of you found it very easily. Some of you didn't. I think whatever TED Talk you go to, how to write a song together, it's a really cheesy guy

and you'll know him instantly by just when I say cheesy guy. He says at one point, you think as someone who's never wrote written a song Noah Andrew you think like you've written a song Andrew but like Noah maybe you haven't written a song you think that probably I can't do this I'm gonna be so bad but the experience you have if you listen to two songs a day for your for the past 20 years of your life let's say on average you hear two songs a day whether you're in Starbucks or in your car,

you consume music as you're an expert. You've done 10,000 hours of listening to music. You have taste. You have the ability to know what's good and what's bad. So don't begrudge yourself that experience that might not have felt like work. You have a right to

know what sounds good and what doesn't. And essentially, songwriting is just making a choice, like being like, I like the first lyric could be like, I love my dog. And then I go, do I like that? And I go, no, let me try something. I love my dog. Oh, I do like that. Okay. Next thing. So I'll keep that. Uh, he is so cute. Do I like that? Yeah. I'll keep that. And each time you go do i like it if you don't you would think of something else and then you move on until you have a whole song isn't that fun yeah i mean i think i think what you said of being like to understand that oh i put in the work look and to tap into that i think a lot of times you'll forget that you've done the

work and you're like wait i'm really good at this it's i don't know you can apply it to driving or when i was swinging the golf like i went golfing yesterday i was like oh my god i've put in a shit ton of hours but it's been 10 years whatever anyways but like tapping into that brain tapping into that shit writing a tv show think of how much tv you've watched or being the type of person who could maybe even develop a TV show. This opens up a possibility to you listening at home that thought,

I could never do stand-up. I like to listen to it, but I could never do it. Yes, you could. You've consumed enough that you could do it. I could never do a podcast. If you listen to this show enough

and regularly, you could. So you have opinions. You have likes and dislikes and you could do it let's get to uh why do i care can we just slide on into that or do we we actually have time i think okay let's let's say let's hit the last one um after five years apple pays out millions in compensation after their iphone repair facility shared a 21 year old student's explicit personal images on her facebook so they got her phone they got inside the

code and then they took 10 photos from her phone and put it on her facebook so it looked like she actually posted them why would they do this because they're bored and they're not paid enough maybe i don't know they're assholes oh so this is like just this is yeah yeah there was a hot girl and they decided to take the photos off her phone and then log on to her Facebook, which they had her phone. Yeah, she sent her phone in to repair. And Apple encouraged you to give your password when you do that.

She didn't reset her phone. She just sent it in with everything on it. And they maliciously did that. And they posted explicit photos? Yeah. Her own explicit photos on her Facebook and made it seem like she posted it and they only got taken down when her friends were like uh what is this

who's doing this and things they won't be caught oh these people know that this i love it though these guys posted and their friends are like oh that's kathy crazy kathy showing her pussy again on facebook yeah yeah that's wild. What an invasion. And I always, you know, I have explicit photos on my phone and I realized that I could be hacked and they could be, you know, released and put on my Facebook, even though literally, if you put something on my Facebook,

I wouldn't even notice because I just do the blind, like everything on Instagram, I just post on Facebook. And I know that there's some people on Instagram. Well, it's so funny. Cause we'll have videos like from you up back in the day. And they'll be, they have millions of views on Facebook,

but because we don't even check Facebook, we don't even go there for gratification. We don't even go there for anything. I don't go, but yet I'm on Instagram. Like I got 30 likes. It's like nothing matters because unless you check it all the, like, I don't know. Anyways, I mean mean eventually something will replace instagram and we'll have to like

transition our like self-esteem into some other thing or maybe go back to facebook but i will say that um that sucks for her i'm glad she's getting a fucking massive settlement because that's such an invasion of privacy um what i wanted to say though is that oh waste again uploading the things to the now if she look do you think the hotter you look the less money you should get do you know what i mean like because it's like it's not that embarrassing she looked great or he looked great i know that's crazy to say i mean he's making a joke obviously i'm making a joke but I'm also being like, I also think there is some like-

You picked one where I'm, like those are the ones that I didn't edit. Go to the folder where it's hidden that it has the shopped images. Obviously that's a joke and- No, obviously it isn't brutal, but yes. Yeah, I think she should get less money if she looks hotter.

Are you kidding me? No. I will say though that there's a new feature that i heard about where you can i read a story ages ago where a woman was killed there was a bridge that collapsed and she was killed instantly i reference it all the time because it seems like the best way to go because she literally was just made into dust because a huge bridge fell on her and it was crazy because her like an anvil falling on a coyote or whatever her best friend like you and i are driving and all of a sudden

a bridge collapses it slices the car in half i am disintegrated in front of you like literally you don't know even know where i am and you are fine yeah it's wild the guy next to her was fine so it's a really tragic story because all that was preserved was her cell phone of her entire body i mean she was turned to it was a huge bridge that collapsed so she was nothing they had nothing from her except her cell phone and her family they had a great case it was not one of those otter boxes drop it from nine feet probably she oh my god 90 feet that that joke is really funny but it is so weird to drop in funny jokes on these tragic things,

which last night there was a joke. My favorite thing to do though. The joke put in, when we were talking about like a, I can't even say, there was a joke made last night in the middle of a story about something heinous that was so inappropriate

because I was with a bunch of guys, but it got made and I had to laugh. But I looked up at the sky and said dear god please forgive me for laughing at that because there's sometimes where it's just like you we can't joke about that but as comedians we we always find funny in the sadness so yeah she had a really great um cell phone case her parents though they wanted to have some like memory of their daughter and her last day they would you know her mom hadn't talked to her in like a week cause she was studying for finals and she just wanted to like see what her daughter was up to.

The Apple refuses to let anyone even posthumously into the phone. And I think I've said this before. They've just updated. They've just added some feature where you can put a list of people that if you die, they are able to get inside your phone. And so I i i really want to know about that so i can do that i've sent andrew my parents and my sister the passwords

to everything in my life which is like you know how you have like 18 passwords that you like could be i don't know what they are like yeah yeah it's just i'm like i will really want to work on this joke but i am so tired of making new passwords and being like, what? What's the thing I will remember forever and care about forever? Because when you do that, you go, well, someone wanting to break into my life would just think about what I care about. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And they know it's going to be Taylor Swift. Starbucks coffee. One, two, three, four. I go, maybe I'll do my nephew and niece. And I go, that's obvious. And I go, wait a second. Everyone knows that's not obvious. That would be a perfect one.

Nikki's not going to write her niece in. Anytime I see a movie, they go, do their birthday. And I was like, that's what I do. I know, yeah. It's so easy. But I will say that I've emailed you. Because I know it's really morbid, but I do think that I know that accidents happen.

I don't plan on killing myself. People think that when I talk about dying, in the case that I die young, it's like suicide related. I think people get like kind of worried when I say that. But I've let my parents know. I've let my family know. The pictures I want for my funeral, the songs I want played.

I have a playlist on my phone called Funeral that I want you to, by Spotify. I do have my password that I sent to you to get into my phone. You gotta send these things again because I didn't save them. I just think you'll never die. I know, but when I die, I really I sent to you to get into my phone. You gotta send these things again because I didn't save them. I just think you'll never die. I know, but when I die, I really don't want you to play Wilco's heavy metal drummer.

It's Wilco, she's a jar. Everyone, will you remind him if I die tragically? It's she's a jar, and I also want time of your life by Green Day. I know that's cheesy, but I do want that as well. And please do not use any photo from the Not Safe campaign. My show for Not safe where i had short hair and i looked like a little lumberjack uh like with no makeup on we were going for a look of like girl next door no one wants to fuck her because the show's about sex let's not dress you like

sexy because we have enough sex going on and i hate the photos please burn them if anyone knows how to get those like expunged from google i would love you for it and if you're one of these people that's like i'm actually gonna make it more findable i actually have accepted the way i look at them and i don't care that much so don't try to like torture me with them but please don't put them blown up next to my funeral i just have one thing what would you want a great dip selection nice dips like a french onion dip okay fish dip A fish dip. Yeah. Buried with you? No, no, no. Out for everybody to eat. Oh, okay.

All right. Yeah, that's all I want. I'm going to turn you into a dip. I'm going to mix your ashes into a dip, a vegan dip. I don't know if anyone would eat it. Would you eat it? Yeah. I'd eat your ashes. Would you rather not have the mayonnaise or my skin?

I would not. Yeah, exactly. I would be more disgusted by the mayonnaise, probably. I eat my own skin. I might as well eat yours. And I probably have because I'm breathing in dust in this house, and dust is just skin. So let's get to why do I care. We have two seconds.

Oh, speaking of hackers. Why do I care? Angelina Jolie exits ex-husband Johnny Lee Miller's Brooklyn apartment after enjoying an intimate dinner and nightcap. Do you remember this wedding? They got married. This was very confusing, what he just said. Angelina Jolie exits ex-boyfriend, ex-husband Johnny Lee Miller's apartment

recently. Wow, she's doing a little Ben Affleck looks like. Yeah, going back into the well. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. Listen, dip back in girl. You had chemistry at one point. Now you're older. You've worked on yourselves. Go back to the exes.

Your number doesn't go up. I'm trying to bang my ex. Everyone knows that. I believe in this. Well, yeah. I mean, I think it's interesting that they broke up. They didn't have any fights or anything. She just felt like he was kind of not taking her spotlight,

but she was losing a little bit of herself of being able to be like an individual. Because he was so famous? No, just that they were just like, they're a couple. Hey, it's a couple. And she's like, I don't know which one of your names to take when we get married. It's too many names. Also, I'm going to be more famous than you, and you're kind of not going to be. Well, that's great.

He's so cute. Good for her. I love an old ex rekindkindling and yeah i am trying to to get that going again but it is hard to break up when it's almost harder when there's no real reason like sometimes it's great to have like an actual like oh he cheated on me oh he did this or she did that that's why i want to have been molested because i want an explanation for why i'm so weird i want to be like it was because I was molested but instead it's just like

I'm just weird yeah I mean I'm sure there's something else in there I was reading last night about I'll get into it in my reddit dump but I got into some really interesting there was a there was some reddit that was like how I just know that

I think I was molested but i don't know um i can't remember it happened or people it was like people who think they've been molested but can't remember it why do you think that and then there were so many stories because you know i'm obsessed with molestation thank you so much to the um listener who wrote in wanting the um this podcast i've listened to that has made me obsessed with informing people about the scourge that is molesters it happens everywhere everyone's been molested and as soon as we embrace that it's happening everywhere less people will feel alone if they've been victimized and we can stop people if we talk about it more and inform each other

so if you ever want to reach out to me i'll give you those um podcasts to keep you informed i love picturing like entertainment tonight like this is just like a fun like silly story angelina jolie leaves i know and house and you're like and now i can't not if you don't want to hear about it and you're triggered i'm sorry and you can definitely write to me and i will like listen to why i shouldn't be talking about it but i just want to prevent it and it's just everywhere um yeah i care i love a good I care. I love a good ex re-hookup. Let's get to our new segment that we've been talking about having on the show for a while called Slice of Life.

Slice of Life was essentially going to be a recording I intentionally make outside of the studio of just like a conversation I have in real life or just like a moment out and about and then we comment on it here in studio as we play it back. This happened over the weekend, Andrew i on friday night was i have literally hours of footage of me playing guitar and practicing and that i don't even know what to do with there's none of the clips are saved the whole computer is just like literally 52 unsaved clips would

you rather people find nudes or you playing songs? Legit nudes, for sure. I'm good at nudes. The nudes don't sound buzzy. Yeah, they do. Depends on which one. Depends on, you know, pitcher, hum.

Yeah, the one where I have bees coming out of my puss. It's a little buzzy. Honey. You take the queen bee and you insert it on your clit uh no so there was a porn one time where a bee stung a woman's clit like i watched it with my mom because on my show not safe we did a segment where i watched porn with my mom it just has a joke my parents were in town and we

were trying to get a bunch of segments taped for the second season that never happened so one of them was like nikki and her mom watched porn together which is insane and so we had our fans send in the weirdest porn and i sat and watched it with my mom it was so fucking disturbing i saw girls eat cereal out of a girl's asshole that's a real thing fruit loops out of a girl's gaping asshole i'm really sorry to anyone who's listening on the way to driving your kids to soccer practice and then i also saw two twin brothers have sex. That was disgusting. Two twin brothers? Yeah, twin brothers have sex.

And then they could have been triplets. With each other? Yes, dude. It was so bad. Oh, that's, that's, wow. I didn't ask for that. I was kind of mad at my producers because I didn't know what was coming, you know?

And I was like, I didn't know who was. Well, I knew both of them because they were very into it and they knew what each other liked. Listen. Was it hard to keep track of who was who while they were fucking? I was like, my mom and I were so horrified.

I've asked for the footage cause I just want to see it cause it never aired cause we got canceled. But there's a, and then there was one where a girl got stuck, like a B was used to sting a girl on her clit. And I go, what is this point? We should just ask for regular porn.

The stuff I watch is already weird enough. I don't need to see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So again, I'm sorry to trail off. regular porn the stuff i watch is already weird enough i don't need to see yeah yeah so again i'm sorry to trail off the other day i was recording a guitar sesh and i finished and um i was just getting frustrated my my strumming arm got numb and i was just like so i'm strumming wrong for

some reason there's i'm either holding it too tight there's please don't write to me about it i'm gonna get a guitar teacher I know I'm doing it wrong. And so I didn't press end, though. And you hear me give up on playing guitar. And then I start singing a song that is a new song that someone got me into. Hold on. I want to reference the song because the song I'm singing is not one. The melody is not my own,

even though, because you might think it is because it's really good. Well, you wouldn't think it is because it's good, but it's the song, I'm singing the song In My Mind that a woman on a podcast recommended to me. In my mind, in my, it's so good. It's by Dinoro. Anyway, so I start to sing about my numb arm and I do not know that this is being recorded

by the way and when I heard this later on so at the end of the video you see me go oh no it's because it witnessed me first of all it witnessed me doing this song so let's play the song first because this is not the most embarrassing thing so it ends with me like giving up on guitar. Let's play Noah. My hand is numb. My hand is numb. My hand is numb. That's me walking into my bathroom. I left the computer on the desk. Oh my God, if you fart.

Okay, so I'm just walking. So first of all, that taught me I have a pretty good voice. Like I wasn't even trying it's decent um i didn't remember doing this by the way so i always think in the back of my head i always think like i never do anything really like if i'm ever cute or kind of funny i am always like it's because you know people are watching and you're trying but this taught me that i'm adorable when i don't know anyone's listening because then and this is what i love this is the clincher so then

there's a probably a 20 second or so just pause and i'm i'm in my bathroom putting on makeup or something because i'm getting ready for the night and um i go back to grab my computer don't tell don't tell no well i'm just let me just set it up so i go back to my desk and to grab my computer. Don't tell, don't tell. No, I'm just, let me just set it up. So I go back to my desk and I grab my computer from my bedroom and then I take it to the kitchen because I want to go practice in the kitchen now. I do not know what's recording. And I was struggling at the moment with, I was like, God, you're, you're smoking. I was kind of in my head during this 20 second pause. I remember feeling in my mind I remember feeling mad at myself that um I was smoking pot that like I didn't get enough done this day it's Friday night I'm alone

like I should be like doing something productive and instead I'm just kind of like walking around and then I stopped it and I go Nikki let's do I just I didn't even realize I did this until I saw the until I realized it was recording and then it clicked me into like, oh my God, what were you just doing? And what did this capture? But I decided to do, I didn't even know I did this, you guys.

I swear to God, I had no idea. I do an out loud gratitude list. Now you can't hear me. I kind of mumble leading up to it, but I believe I said. I raised it. Wait, you know? Oh my God, I don't even know what

i said i was trying to hear what do i say okay noah okay ready so this is me going back to my computer from the bathroom to pick it up and then walk into the kitchen so this is me walking to the kitchen with my laptop in my hand okay okay so that's hold on, Noah. I don't know what I said there. Grateful for my health. I know what you said. What did I say? Health, I think. You go,

I'm so grateful for my job, for my health, for my mom. Okay, so those are the first things. So then I start singing what I'm grateful for

because I go, Nikki, let's get in some gratitude. Stop being judgmental about yourself. Stop being down. And I love that this is now the

person i am who doesn't say you're disgusting your skin is gross get try i used to talk to myself in such a negative way i'm sure i used to talk out loud to myself in the opposite but this is me i've come so far and i want to know let others know that you can get to this place too where you list things you're grateful for so i said i'm grateful for my job my health and my mom yeah and then let it keeps going yep for pot to make me feel better through my day for my sunglasses for my makeup for my credit cards for my people who take care of my life for my dog for my people who take care of my life that was noah my guitars wait what do i say go back to people who take care of my life i was literally

thinking of noah when i heard take care of my life wait go let's go back that's so sweet for my dog for my vibrator for my guitars. Having hands. Being kind. Massage chairs. Howard Stern. Oh my god. That's embarrassing. Fuck. That's what I realized it was recording it kind of reminds me of

um remember michael cera like did you know song like i'm man oh yeah it's like i'm thankful for my hands and girl to take care of my life i'm just dying but the things obviously it's adorable things that i was seeing but the hands thing was real like i got a message this weekend and my dms i thought i screenshotted it but i didn't um of a girl that said she had a moment where she could have gotten really upset about something and instead she remember she said that her boyfriend and her both listened to the podcast and they both handled a tense moment with like either gratitude or just like being like this was all meant to happen we can get through it everything's okay because it's always been okay everything's gonna be fine and it was just like so nice to hear that and I've realized that like I am able to do those things

now because of the work like this I love the Sam Harris quote that says when I was listening to a meditation one time, he said, if you are no matter what's going on in your life right now, and this goes out to anyone listening right now, I'm talking to you, listener, whatever you're stressed out about today, whatever is getting you down about yourself, you don't like the way your hair is, you don't like the way you feel fat today, your cart, you're broke, you're you don't know how way you feel fat today. You're broke. You don't know how you're going to pay your bills. All of these things totally worth feeling sad about. But if you're able to even listen to this podcast, if you're in a position where you're able to listen to a podcast, you are doing better than billions of people, like probably 2 billion people on the

planet would give anything to be in your position because of the start. And I know that's like they're starving kids in Africa thing, but really think about that. Like the fact that you have hands and some of you might not have hands. So the fact that you have feet, some of you might not have feet either or hands the fact that you you can always find something to be grateful for so what are you grateful for today andrew i'm grateful for uh for our friendship last night was great i think we're really hitting a nice stride lately and then i'm also very grateful for golf and my new irons and i don't i gotta tell you the irons outweigh the friendship just a little bit i get it dude i mean you saw those irons i did see them i didn't know

what it meant to you or why they were different than each other you did do like a billy burles do you ever that's from caddyshack do you ever catch yourself talking to yourself do you talk to yourself yeah in the shower final thought andrew when you're talking to yourself in the shower what are you saying because i'm not one of these people that has conversations in the shower i sing ariana grande because i am able to access a um a whistle tone like yeah i don't in the shower that i can't elsewhere i get uh a shower for me actually is pretty meditative i think and i i put my i kind of dream i daydream i guess and i mean they're embarrassing i mean i've daydreamed i've told you this about being on david letterman but where

i actually like made letterman come to my house like i didn't even do the tonight show how many times have we had conversations in the shower have how many times have you had a conversation with me in the shower oh with you yeah uh a good amount where i find empathy for you or for like our situation like she can't enjoy long showers yeah or like 30 seconds or like if like you get upset about something like i realized you know we we know each other well enough where i know when it's like about me or when it's about something it's always about me even if it is about you that just is the way it is no one can make you feel a way so if i get upset but i'll have a conversation like you know i think you know oh what am i gonna say to you to get uh the best

result from the converse not the best result but like yeah but where i can be honest but without a way of i think it's i think it's always great to go over in your head if you have something to bring up to someone how can i do this in a way where i'm not being accusatory and it's being out of love and not out of hate and that's hard for me and i try to do that in the shower and i end up you know just like squeezing the shampoo harder good way to get to that is to how can i what am always present when you have to bring up an issue with someone even if it is like you know i also did the road show rogan podcast in the shower really i'm like hey joe yeah i love working out spent three and a half hours in there. Is that why those are

so long? God damn it. I'm sorry. I interrupted you, but yeah, you go. No, that was so funny. I think the best when I'm in the same state of mind of like, how am I going to bring something up to this person that I have an issue with? And

even when I know like I'm right and they're wrong, I think the best way to get to that place of like how will i bring this up that's not gonna upset that person or feel accusatory is you try to see what your part is in it because the truth is even if someone murdered your family and you have to confess like let's take the worst scenario someone like murdered your family your part in that which it seems to be none i'm having a hard time even right now coming up with a thing that like a random person murdering your family your part in that which seems to be none i'm having a hard time even right now coming up with a thing that like a random person murdering your family your part in it is forgiving that person or learning to maybe not forgiving but learning to accept that what happened was not in your control and that for you to get to a place where you can

confront this person you need to realize that you need to come at it from a place of, I mean, I don't know really what that answer is, but when it comes to like stuff, like arguments with spouses or friends, there's always something you're doing. There was one apology that I made. Yeah, you could control your,

how you feel emotionally about. You can't control anything because there's no free will, but you can be mindful of what you can try to be mindful of what your part of the thing is so like there was one time where there was this person that i had such a vendetta against and i did everything because he hurt me so bad um and emotionally your family no not that bad um i mean oh god I did the wrong joke. I was going to say,

no, God, no. So much worse. He rejected me sexually. Kill my father, but do not say you don't want to be my boyfriend. Kill the man that's keeping me

from finding love because my dad loves me too much. Yeah, babe. So I got to a place. It was my first time making an apology where i did not do a single but you did this yeah like i've said this before but if you want to learn how to apologize in the best way truly write about it journal think about it and get to a place where you only talk from a place of I I feel because your feelings are true so if someone made you feel a way they didn't make you feel a way you feel that way like it's not you don't know you made me don't do any use and also no butts don't do anything of like

you know let's say an example or shoulds or shoulds yes no shoulds no like say I'm having a disagreement with Noah. Let me think of a thing, Noah, that you could do that I'd be really upset about. Like let's say you uploaded, I sent you something of a picture that I thought was like funny for you and then you put it on Instagram.

What is it? Hold on, I got one. Let's say I got celebrities to wish you a happy birthday without you knowing. Oh my God, that is what happened. First of all, your birthday present to me this year was so good. She gave me $84 to Starbucks because that was

the year I was born. I really lucked out being born in 84 and not 19, 11. 14. Thank you so much, Noah. $84 at Starbucks is just the greatest gift and i love the specific number what that's a way to make gift cards personalized is choosing their that like

something around their birth date it's just a fun like honestly it tickled me even though it's such a simple thing it was so much better than a hundred dollars honestly um but you do owe me 16 and i um and your password is 84 star and then she wrote a really nice card that like i kept because it will always be something that i'll be able to like i'll share with my kids and be like look what your mom meant to people or look how close your mom like but back to her being but you being angry or my passwords that's what i call my niece and nephews so she makes this video what do you say to her okay so but i wanted to say that noah gave me a great gift this year because I made it clear two years ago that I do not, when she did what she thought would be the best gift ever is ask a bunch of celebrities.

Seth Rogen, Glenn Howerton, Conan. Did you do Conan? Or I think my. Ricky Gervais. Ricky Gervais. I didn't mind him because Ricky loves. I did know Ricky. And Ricky loves.

That one didn't bother me because you know Ricky was down. And I know all of these people were down but i've never met seth rogan in person and to see him be like hi nikki happy birthday first of all he now knows who i am for sure because he had to do that but it just felt so like i just hate inconveniencing well it goes back though to the initial i'm not worth it it goes back to you pitching your show today like you are worth it and those people wanted to do it and I had to accept that but yes my initial reaction when I got that video was I wanted to cry I was angry that I felt like how like I wasn't able to stop this I felt out of control this whole thing happened without me knowing it just gave me the sense of like I was just filled with rage but it wasn't because Noah did it wasn't at Noah it was at the fact that I had no control and that people might hate me now because they had to like stop and do this video

now I forget how I confronted them but now I believe I would go Noah I am obsessed with the thought that went behind this and I feel so loved by it because there's no doubt I do the work that went into this, the thought, the care it is. It's not something I want again because it causes me a lot of stress that I will take accountability for. It is my insecurities to inconvenience celebrities. And I have a weird like,

you know, phobia of it. It's it's a, what's it called? It's a, um, whenever I say that's not a imp like, you know, phobia of it. It's, it's, what's it called? It's whenever I say that's not. Imposter syndrome? No, it's like a rational. I have an irrational phobia of inconveniencing important people.

And it's, it's, it's because I have low self-esteem and think that I can't be worth their time. And you don't want to feel self-indulgent like in a way. Probably. No, it's just, that's not it. It's like, I hate birthdays because I didn't do anything to earn it. All I did was breathe for a year. And I have no control of my breath. It just happens automatically.

So when I get celebrated for my birthday, I feel really weird because I didn't do anything to get it. When I'm celebrated because I put out a special or because my, you know. It's like being born in a certain country and being like, yeah i it's like you just got lucky and we're born yeah yeah anyway yeah you got drafted to a team and now you're like i'm a cardinal in st louis it's like no he's puerto rican he can't wait to get the fuck out of this town he's just playing for our team no we love st we are st louis no we are st louis but like these baseball players that we think like love the city they're living in they're just there for a second to play there. They don't like actually represent your town in any way.

They don't like it. A lot of them. And then it was funny because the following year I had a new assistant who didn't know about this whole thing that happened. And my assistant who was just such a lovely person only look at that cat. Look at that cat. It's trying to kill itself. There is a cat across

the way at a window up against the window just scratching on the window you should take a video of that if you can andrew i know my assistant last year did the same exact thing she got um it was awesome too because she got i have only watched the videos once each because i can't take it because it makes me feel so awkward but she got conan'Brien she got um oh my god I literally blacked Whitney Cummings there I mean Whitney Cummings is a good friend of mine but at the time we weren't that as close as we are now and so it just felt like oh my god Whitney had to like make a video and I wrote to her and I was like and I cried when I got it because I was so upset and my mom I was living with my parents at the time. And my mom was like, Nikki, this is a ridiculous reaction. Stop this.

This is awesome. Look at this. My sister learned a dance. They did the blinding lights dance. It was so nice. But I had to tell my assistant. I was like, I so appreciate it. But never, ever do that again.

And she felt so bad. And she shouldn't have. Because how was she to know? This seems like something that uh i would like who wouldn't like that and now i think i am in a place for next year if someone wants to make me a compilation video of people saying happy birthday you can do it but they just have to be people that you know i'm friends with like that you know we're close so just jo Joe Buck and no one else because there could be a little bit of like oh you just

wanted to talk to this celebrity this was a way for you to talk to this celebrity like you're using my birthday like I didn't pay people and but not just no but not just for you like for the assistant to be like oh this is a way I can oh yeah I didn't think of it that way but I could see it's just another assistant to be like oh this is a way i can oh yeah i didn't think of it that way

but um i could see it's just another way to be negative yeah she definitely wasn't doing that no i don't think so either she's so sweet to do it but um i will say that uh i i get asked to do this quite often i got a dm actually from another celebrity that i met at the i heard awards like a guy in a band that i met backstage i took a video of him meeting Nelly like secretly him and his band and it was a cute moment these like young guys in this like indie band meeting Nelly and I filmed it secretly across the room and then I sent it to the band on DM later I was like you don't know I got this but I got you guys meeting Nelly if you want this for your like photo album and then he wrote back and he was like oh my god my friend is such a fan of yours can you write like a do a 10 second video just like saying hi i get those a lot and you

know that's what cameos for like pay for it if you want it i think my cost on there is a thousand dollars because i don't want to do them anymore it's not because i think i'm worth that but i did it i there's sometimes i do it if i'm in the mood to do it i'll do it yeah the thing is i should trust that those celebrities have enough self-esteem to not do things they don't want to do but I do know like Paris Hilton for instance friend of mine I was on her podcast and she was talking about how she says yes to everything because she feels bad and I hate when people do things because they feel bad I want everyone to be the same way I am, which is like, I only do things I want to do. And I want to trust other people to do that too. And not, not be doing things because

they feel bad. I think we all need to get to a place as humans where we only do things that, you know, sometimes you do something and you don't want to do it, but you do it because you love the person who's asking, or you know that this is going to go for a greater cause. You essentially want to do it, even this thing that's annoying to do. So does that make sense? Why is Luigi licking boxes? Because that cat.

Oh, okay. He's not eating his food, but he is enjoying the box that has one of our mics in it. I'm not going to lie. I've chewed on cardboard myself, so I get it. All right, we got to go. You got to get to your tournament. Good luck today in the golf tournament

that you guys aren't actually competing, I don't think. That's what Joe said last night. Yeah, it's something I got to go. You got to get to your tournament. Good luck today in the golf tournament. You guys aren't actually competing, I don't think. That's what Joe said last night. Yeah, it's something I want to do. I'm going to go hang out with the boys and sit on a golf cart after my big studio pitch. I'll tell you how that went tomorrow. Big week ahead of us. Thank you so much for listening to the show.

I love you guys. Love the besties. Yeah, this is the best thing I do. And I hope you got something From today's show And let us know what you got If you did get something And we'll see you tomorrow

Tomorrow we have a Reddit dump Right Noah? We have Yeah and we'll just get updates And I'll let you know what I shot Yeah we'll know how Andrew did In his PGA championship Can I just ask you one question?

Yes You said in your Instagram post When you were looking for a golf pro that you shoot in the high 80s? Mid to high 80s. Mid to high 80s. That's pretty good, right? Yeah, it's good. I knew it was because there's no way that you would say that unless it was good.

I didn't even have to Google it. I go, I bet that's good because you would. Yeah, I always lean into being obnoxious bragger. But was that sincere bragging? The sincereness is that I. There was nothing funny about that post. but was that sincere bragging the the sincereness is that i there was nothing funny about that post that was all sincere well no i said don't act surprised like i'm that good like don't be surprised by like because you probably because i i am notoriously known for people or it's people think that you're being serious when no well no no people think

I'm shitty at stuff. Oh and so when I'm good at something they're like well you're actually can throw a football that's kind of fun though when people just discount you or would you rather they assume you're great at everything probably somewhere in the middle. Yeah yeah we got to go. Andrew is a natural born athlete. He's good at

golf and we'll we'll we'll hear about it tomorrow. See you then. Be good. Yeah, my girl. Yeah, my girl. Yeah, my girl. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive

balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show

and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.

I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to The Hottest Party in Professional Sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries

are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.