The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #499 Golden Globes Ready, Reverse Resolutions & It's 2025, Size Doesn't Matter!

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Last pod/First pod of the year! Nikki’s got Brian and Andrew Collin with her to kick things off and wrap up the week. Brian’s suggesting everyone set a “reverse resolution” for 2025, basically, his fail-safe method to avoid failure. Nikki’s wants to cut out gossiping this year (which, let’s be real, sounds like a solid goal). The Golden Globes are this Sunday, and Nikki is feeling confident about her prep... No, she doesn't need more time, that would definitely just make things worse. Plus, she got a sweet DM from one of the presenters. Brian’s also trying to gossip less, but it’s so hard, especially after getting a ton of likes on a comment he made. In the Final Thought, Nikki’s making a bold statement: let’s stop shaming men for what they’re packing down there. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast  . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram: @NikkiGlaserPod Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast here in amazing. What is that? What is it? You're already shaking your head. Did I disappoint you in some way? No, no, it's just about, you know, life just keeps rolling along. Doesn't it just keep going? It just never ends. The holidays are over, you know, for Christians.

It's like you have to like, it's going to be like the Golden Globes. The Golden Globes are January 5th and your entire life for the last month is the Golden Globes. Then on January 5th, the Golden Globes are going to be like the Golden Globes. The Golden Globes are January 5th, and your entire life for the last month is the Golden Globes. Then on January 5th, the Golden Globes are going to happen. And then the next day, you're going to wake up, and your life is just going to continue on. Yeah. Well, the next day, I have to do Stern. And then the next day after that, I go to Hawaii. And then the next day, then I have to come back for the Critics' Choice Awards.

And then I have a special to start preparing for. It's just there's never going to be an end to working. That's good. Yeah, that's good, I guess. I think I'm having an existential crisis with the repetitive nature of the intro to this podcast.

Every time you do it, I go like, is this another two? What's happening? Right, right, right. Yes. It just keeps going. You need sleep every going. You want to do a job? You want to keep. No, it's okay. You need sleep every day. You need to eat every day.

Some people are bothered by eating. I remember someone was like, I hate that I have to eat. I think Andrew Schultz one night at the cellar was like, I don't really like to eat. It interferes with my productivity. I have to remember to eat. I'm like, whoa. That's wild. It's the only good part of my life

is eating. Eating's amazing. Some people feel like it gets in the way. I feel that way about showering. If I don't shower in the morning and I have to shower at night, it's just like weighing on me. It takes like 25 minutes to get it all done. Don't even talk to me about we have to blow dry our hair.

Or you just look gross. Yeah. I blow dry my hair too Yeah. Or you just look gross. Yeah. I blow dry my hair too. Yeah. But I've been doing this thing lately. I don't know if women are onto this. I'm sure we've been onto it since the turn of the 16th century. What is it?

The towel. You don't blow dry and then you just have wet hair for a while. And then like maybe an hour later you you blow dry and takes like two seconds. Yeah, but it's. Oh, interesting. Yeah, but it can take a shape when it's longer. Oh, yeah. That's harder to get out. Oh, yeah.

With the blow dry. But it really does make all the difference to blow dry your hair. Like I find as a woman, like if I just let it air dry, which I do, I would say 80% of the time. It like, you just have to wash it the next day sooner because it gets scraggly and like it just looks like shit and it's like thin and frizzy like even i got a fucking ad yesterday on my instagram that was like do you have curly kind of frizzy hair that when you air dry it it looks like shit it was like how do you know like i don't even post pictures of myself when it looks like that that often.

But it, like, knew. It was like, does it get tangly on the bottoms? And then you can't get the hair tie out because it's tangled around. And it was like, it was so targeted just based on some of the pictures it's, like, scanned about me. Well, wait till ads get a real handle on AI because then the ads will be like, hey, Nikki, I've noticed that your hair has been tangled lately in your pictures. And we have this product that actually would fix that exact thing. Oh, my God. And it'll be like Taylor Swift's voice.

Yeah, yeah. And you'll talk back to it, too, and be like, oh, thank you so much for letting me know. No one else is paying attention to me. Yeah. I feel so alone. You're my only friend. And then there'll be a bunch of comments on the ad like, Nikki should really get this. And then your AI will be making their own comments.

And your phone will dry your hair for you. It's just, people, I was thinking yesterday, I got a DM from TMZ, like this girl that works at TMZ, that's always just sent me like, nice thing. Like, she's just like, hey, you want to comment on this? Or like, whatever. TMZ is like, they're nice people.

And a lot of them are like comics and stuff, the people that wait outside. So I'm always just like, nice to them if they ever want to like, they're always asking me inflammatory things. I think in New York they asked me about Luigi and I was like, I don't want to talk about that guy. Like I was just like, I'm going to say something that's going to be weird. I was just like, no, like why am I no commenting about Luigi?

It made me feel like I had like I fucked him or something, you know, like no comment about it. But I was just like, it's my dog's name that disappoints me. me you know like my dog used to be the hottest luigi or whatever i said something and um but then yesterday i get a dm that was like hey there we just got a um tip about you and um we're wondering if you would want to comment before we run it and that i'm not kidding you like i almost had a heart attack i i was i was down in like the like working on the script i was like about to go into a writer's meeting upstairs and i was getting the script ready and then i'm like i i truly felt what maybe might feel like a panic

attack because i and then i'm texting emily showing her i texted chris and they're like call this number if you want to like talk to us about it before we run it so i i um send it to chris and chris is like i'll call so he calls the number and i'm just like but he's up in the apartment i'm downstairs i'm like waiting for the bubbles to come up like show me what what is it and he's like they're calling me back i got sent to a different guy i'm like oh god and then they finally call back and it's um it's about a show that taped they were like we got a hot tip that nikki talked a lot of shit about this celebrity at this show taping and i wasn't on the show taping and i didn't talk shit about that person and no one even did on the show and it was a total it was literally the most nothing i hate hate when people say nothing burger, but like, this is, it was,

it was truly nothing. My heart rate, I just was like, I was so nothing burger. I was so calm immediately, but I wrote to Chris. I was like, that was not worth what I just went through. Like I just got a,

a cardio exercise, but like I just aged like that was so stressful thinking that like I was going to have to like put out some statement or like really ultimately it was about like someone might be mad at me or someone might that I'm performing for at the Golden Globes might have heard that I said something about a dress they wore once or whatever. One of the jokes were testing. No jokes. I could stand by because I just be like they're jokes. Yeah. But if it was like something I had told a friend backstage about some celebrity that was rude to me. Because I talk shit about celebrities that are pieces of shit.

But I'm not famous enough to be out with that. I will someday. And I think that's relatable. People always do that. It is relatable. If you go and you fly and you're going over customs, you always think you might have drugs in your bag. Or you think. Oh, yeah.

Like the most negative like i i must have i must be doing something wrong i'm i've done that all the time and i've and i haven't done cocaine in when i quit 20 years i'm like i have so much coke in my bag but if you're going to like singapore or something and you had just like some like a poster yeah you get your decapitated no i was just terrified i was just like that was really unnecessary to put my nervous system through like that was really unnecessary to put my nervous system through like i was really shooken up i felt it the facts of it all day long and it was just five minutes of like really like oh my god and you know it's like anything if

you lose your purse if you're like kid you kind of lose track of them at the mall for 30 seconds or whatever like it was just that kind of thing of like everything's about to be taken from you but also i was kind of like, okay, fine. Take it. I'll be okay. I was like, TMZ, now I need an EMT, which is Trevor Wallace style joke. Trevor Wallace is listening. I just wrote a good Trevor Wallace style joke.

Yeah, that is good. Yeah. And then I'll have to do that DMT to get my life back. And then I'm going to have to go to the DMV and get a new license because I just lost it. And then I'll be straddling my sides of my world like I'm on the DMZ. Wow. The demilitarized zone?

Yeah. You can put your foot over it, I think. It's going to feel like an STD. I've looked over it, I think. So you've been to, in Korea? Korea, yeah. Whoa. You went to Korea?

Yeah. South? Yeah, but I looked into North. Whoa. But it was like 2008. Did you see anybody? We were performing for the American troops that were stationed over there. Oh, you did a USO thing.

Yeah. It wasn't USO. It was called Tess's Funny Ladies or something. Wow, that's a lot more official sounding. Yeah. It was. I bombed so bad. Wow, that's a lot more official sounding. Yeah. It was. I bombed so bad. Wow.

Was it for the troops? Yeah, I bombed the troops heavily. It was so, because I had to follow, the first show I followed April Macy, because I had recently gotten, it was 2009, summer of 2009. I'd gotten a Tonight Show credit. So I guess they were you know the woman organizing the show was like nikki should close she has a tonight show credit and april had been doing it a little bit longer than me april's just like a fucking it's a different

skill set like she's i wouldn't want to follow her now like i just it's she's just so good so april macy and she had just done done the last comic standing but they put me after her on the first show they switched that real quick I bombed worse than I've ever bombed

like I could North Korea is taking notes on Nikki's set she's like we gotta fucking put this on a fucking bomb he's pointing out my set to his daughter

on that little tour I can't look we yeah we but then we had to do a meet and greet afterwards like if I bomb I don't want to see anyone like I always I can't look. We, yeah, but then we had to do a meet and greet afterwards. Like, if I bomb,

I don't want to see anyone. Like, I always, I don't want to see anyone even if I kill after the show. I'm always, like, scared one person

is going to be like, ruin the moment, didn't like it and they have to pretend because their husband wants to meet me and like, it happens.

I see it happen. They're never really blatantly rude about it, but I see when people don't want to meet me where they go, I'm good. I don't need a picture. And it's not even about like, I don't like pictures. I don't, you know, it's like I see when people don't want to meet me where they go, I'm good. I don't need a picture. And it's not even about

like, I don't like pictures. I don't, you know, it's like literally I don't like you and I'm trying to let you know that kind of thing. That's terrible. But this, it was, I cried in the bathroom after and then they switched it. So I went before her and I ended up having a better time. But that trip was really fun. And

Seoul is so clean. Yeah. No trash cans anywhere. Seems to be a common thread in Southeast Asia of all those countries. It can be done. In Singapore,

yeah, it can be done. We could not have trash on the street. What do they do? Do we even know? There's no trash. You keep it. Well, there's two things,

I think. One is heavy penalties for littering. Yeah. In Singapore, if you put trash on the ground, they cut off your hands, literally.

No, not literally, but figuratively. And then what do they do with the hand? Yeah. Then they take the hands and they... I love it. Figuratively. No, it's pretty harsh penalties. Yeah.

No trash, but so many hands. And then second, it's just cultural. There's a thing that they have in Southeast Asia. Like respect or something? It's close to respect. There's a thing they have in Southeast Asia that we've totally lost in America and it's called shame and if you litter you might be culturally shamed for doing that where in America no one has any shame anymore and it's I am filled with it if I if there was a wrapper that fell out of my pocket and someone saw it fall out and I

didn't get it I would then and if I like found later like oh my god it fell out of my pocket someone might have seen that and thought I did that on purpose I would then, and if I like found later, like, oh my God, it fell out of my pocket. Someone might have seen that and thought I did that on purpose. Deep shame for a person that I don't even know. You're in the minority. You should feel shame if you litter. If people who,

if you are someone who listens to this podcast and you are someone who puts their fucking cup outside of your car, you clean your car out on the parking lot and you think putting your cup

and everything sitting upright isn't litter and you just sit there on the yellow line in between the cars, stop listening to this podcast. I do not want you to listen to this. I think you're a bad person. I think you don't think about anyone but yourself. Someone has to fucking pick that up. Or not. Or it just blows around forever.

Yeah, and I know it's going to end up in a landfill anyway. Until the landfills start creeping into society, can we just keep it a little tidy? Yeah. And also, if you're in a bathroom, and I've said this before, and this is something that I have stuck to

since I realized it one day. I have never once, literally in the past, I would say 10 years, and this is pretty impressive. Never once have I been in the bathroom and pulled the toilet paper, which girls have to do every single time. You have to utilize toilet paper. And you sometimes get the strands,

which I always think the Ellen DeGeneres joke where she's like, this isn't a time to be celebrating. It looks like party. This is no time to be celebrating. I always say that. But if a little piece of toilet paper falls onto the floor from me pulling it out, any piece of anything, I will always pick it up. Never once have I been like, it's already a shitty bathroom.

It's all over. Not if it's in a urine. Ten years running? Ten years. And if I go to, if I wash my hands and I use a paper towel and it misses the bin and it falls on the floor. And I used to be someone who was just like, there's a bunch of paper towels on the floor anyway. Who gives a shit i have never once in 10 years since i said nikki if you ever do this again your career will not go the way you want it to i made one of those fucking ocd things yeah but it

really wasn't about that it was like that was to get me to do it but it's really about i realized someone has to bend down and pick that up yep and i know it's like they're already down there and there's one more thing it's still one more little lean Yeah. And why am I doing that to that woman's back who's cleaning up this bathroom? Why is that her job to clean up my fucking mess? Her job is to empty the bins. Her job isn't to pick up my slot because I can't get it in the hole or because I'm like, it's gross. I don't want to touch the bathroom floor.

Neither does she, bitch. Yeah. Like clean up. Stop leaving paper towels everywhere in these bathrooms. Stop leaving your piss all over the toilet seat. Stop leaving little shredded pieces. If you don't want to touch the ground to pick up a piece of toilet paper, get more toilet paper and pick it up with it like you're picking up dog shit.

There's a way to do it sanitarily. Just start being nicer. Stop spitting your gum in the urinal. That's maybe one of the worst things. Are you kidding me? Look in any urinal. Go to a football stadium your gum in the urinal. That's maybe one of the worst things. Are you kidding me? Look in any urinal. Go to a football stadium and look in a urinal. And men will spit gum in the urinal.

And that I've heard from people on interviews or something. When they interview the cleaning people. Sure. Yeah. The classic post-game interview. Yeah. They say that the worst possible thing is when someone spits gum in the urinal because it's like impossible to get out. it just ruins everything if it gets into the drain forget about it then they have to

replace the entire urinal i think gum is probably a scourge on this planet gum yeah yeah it's just like you know it's all over the sidewalks it just like creates this little black mass cigarettes it's like at least you can pick them up gum is just like you just keep it there until it wears away and it's just like if it gets stuck on your shoe it's like that's like one of the worst things that can happen to a human being oh it's just it's so bad i quit i quit chewing gum just do mints just do suck just do a cough drop but it's really it's good for people who are trying to avoid eating people love gut like i used to eat gum to like to to instead of yeah and i was addicted to it and um i quit i think five years ago and it the one thing about quitting gum first of all it's like

you just have to learn to just figure something out to do with your body when you're not chewing gum all the time because some people are are addicted to gum for sure it's like a cigarette you know it's like yeah the meal's over i I'm putting in gum. It's like resetting my brain. Better than a cigarette. Yeah, I guess. Here's what science needs to do. You need to invent gum that you can chew

and then when it's done, you can just eat it. You can just swallow it. Yeah, people do do that. People do do that. But also, you would just, like, it would have to change,

like, the way that gum is. Because you would just want to swallow it if it was edible right away. There's got to be a switch you can press. You know what you can do? A press? It comes with a little powder packet John Stewart is back in the host chair Yeah. We've got to go to break. We have so much more. Oh, man. I wasn't paying attention at all. No, I got it. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more

from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. So it's the new year and, you know, we did this last year and I think we should do it again. What are the things, not resolutions per se, but last time we did, what are the things we want to not do?

Oh. That way you can't fail. Oh. Unless you do it. Well, yeah, that's. They're like the reverse resolutions. We talked about reverse. Remember this reverse resolutions from last year? you can't fail. Oh. Unless you do it. Well, yeah. They're like the reverse resolution. It's like lit. We talked about reverse.

Remember this? Reverse resolutions from last year? I don't remember now. Yeah, I barely remember. I don't remember anything. I can't even articulate it. Yeah. But it was like, here are five things I will not do in the year 2025.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Okay, I like this. And obviously smoking cigarettes or something is impossible but like you can say like i am definitely not going to um binge watch an entire season of a show in one day okay something like that it's easier to accomplish okay i think i've got one yeah do you have one? No. Okay. I haven't thought about this at all.

After the TMZ thing, I was like, you know what would make this, what would have made my heart not sink? And I've talked about this a million times. Gossip is just such a great way to connect if you don't have anything else to connect with someone over. If you are lacking in creativity, if you're lacking in a real connection, it's like a fake connection based on needing to shit on someone else and it like and it also creates the i know people who i talk shit with talk shit about me there's no question in my mind it makes me feel a little unsafe to ever be truly

authentic with them even though i'm not like very cognizant like i'm not like it's subconscious but i just i would like to be a person that, you know, like my friend, like my friend Rick Glassman. If one time I tried to talk shit about someone we both mutually knew, that was just like, it was a friendly talking shit of like, did you see that? Oh boy, that was rough or something like that. And he's like, yeah, I don't, I'm not gonna, I don't really, I don't want to, that's my friend.

And I'm just like, what? Like, I'd like to be that person I don't want to make people feel weird because about like you're a bad person but like it's just a way to do it

and be like well I like that person I don't want to that's good because he's purely honest too so if he was talking shit we'd know it was like so true yeah

and so him having like policy of not talking shit is very good I utilized it the other day. Someone wanted to talk shit about someone doing bad, poorly on something. Or said that they weren't good or something. And I was just like, I actually love that person.

I didn't want to make everyone feel weird, but I'm just like, no, I like them. Or empathize. Like, yeah, I've bombed on something too or i've been really cringe on like just be like yeah that's happened to me too like that's easier to do the more successful you get because you have not they're not hurting you by being shitty at their thing i have a lot of trouble not talking shit about other writers who are shit right and i'm just like why like just get out of here i i i've as a one i also have trouble with like lack of uh perfectionism i'm a perfectionist and when someone is unskilled at something and it's just wrong i get i i can't i it hurts me in my being yeah yeah

and that's the people i talk shit about like i i and i'm bitter also obviously you're willing to say that to those people's faces i have no problem with this in a way difference well i would i would be willing to do that if many of them didn't have power over me or something like me talk like talking shit about somebody like like that's powerful will only hurt me if if i said it to their face whereas right but then you're still not being authentic yeah i know that's why i have all these probably pains yeah yeah i'm just filled with bitterness but i i was watching um timothy chalamet this morning it was part of course you were there was a text chain that i don't know why you weren't included on it but it was um like everyone was on and accept you i guess we didn't want to bother you or something. That's nice. But it was. Don't need this shit. But it was.

Bother me with it now though. Yeah. So I think Bob maybe sent out. Because Brian's been obsessed with Timothee Chalamet since he saw him on Theo Vaughn's podcast. Oh, okay. And rightfully so. I was on the edge. I was like, I think I love this guy.

And then I watched him on Theo Vaughn. No, Theo Vaughn was. Yeah, I think that was the tipping point. That was. That was when I blinked. He was on the big screen just to like do the dishes and have it on the background and maybe listen to it for like 10 minutes. And he left on the whole thing and said he was completely charmed by Timothee Chalamet. He ran a huge campaign during one of our writers meetings, like be on board with Timothee Chalamet.

And we were like, we are not as much as you. And then he knew he knows everything about him. And he's not wrong. Timothee Chalamet is awesome. No, Timothee Chalamet is awesome. No, Timothee Chalamet is amazing. I think my favorite performance of Timothee Chalamet is the press tour he's doing for Bob Dylan. Because every single thing is must watch. He's charming as hell. Yeah.

I love him. Yeah. So what did you see? So he was on Nardwar this morning. And Nardwar is this like kind of kooky guy. Yeah. It's always Nardwar versus. Because the interviews can be a little bit antagonistic,

because he asks really invasive questions that you don't even remember about yourself. Like, where did you grow up? Like, your third grade teacher said this about you. Somehow he investigates journalism and figures out these things about your past that you don't even remember. Whoa. And then he asks you things about stuff you probably should know about. Like, he asks him a lot of questions about Bob Dylan and Timothy Chalamet was on it,

but Timothy was on Nard war. This was being texted this morning and he was unbelievable on it. And so one thing he did, this is why I brought this up. One thing he did on it. He didn't talk shit about anybody, obviously, but what he did do is he continuously throughout the interview,

gave shout outs to people that he admired or respected. So all he does is do shout outs. One time he was even got to be like a joke. One time Nardwar was like, hey, you your grandma grew up in Canada. And Timothee Chalamet goes, yes, she did. Shout out Canada. Shout out North America. OK, I'm sorry. It's. Shout out North America. Okay.

I'm sorry. That was a joke. It was? Yeah, he was joking. Shout out North America. But no. Yeah, that's a joke. Most of the time he's like,

when he's talking about how Johnny Cash was played by a different guy in the Bob Dylan movie, he makes sure to say, and all the respect to Joaquin phoenix he was amazing in his yeah and shout out and so he just kind of like always pays homage and he's he does it i think because he actually is very self-conscious about being judged by about being a bad person yeah about not respecting and i think this might be true of gen z overall is they are very aware that shit will be talked about them on the internet if they're mean if they say something wrong yeah yeah uh there was a video that um emily i wanted her to edit of my

mom and i both dressed for the last era's tour in um the taylor swift tortured poets like military jacket which is uh the the scene where she is marching to the smallest man who ever lived bridge is my favorite part of the show and so before the show i asked is marching to the smallest man who ever lived, Bridge. It's my favorite part of the show. And so before the show, I asked my mom to like, let's do this thing where we marched on the hallway and like you lip sync it. So I'm like teaching her how to lip sync. So I'm like, oh, we'll like marry the two of us marching. It'll be kind of a fun TikTok.

And I sent Emily the footage and I was like, actually, I think you should just like edit the bloopers because it's kind of funny. And so she put together this whole blooper reel of me like telling my mom how to do this and directing my mom and there's not one point where i'm like good job because like i cut every time i cut i would be like good okay like because i was like trying to keep the energy up i was but i just seem abusive the whole time because i'm like now marked legs higher like like and i'm and i can't put it out because it's like the gen z will see this and be like you're mean yeah like because there's no part where i'm like good job even though i did say that throughout it's like and it is so funny because there's so many moments they're funny but i literally can't release it because i'm like

i just they'll get the wrong idea about who i am and like because i'm like no look a little bit more sad no mom like like there's like a little bit of like a brattiness in my voice at some points but um yeah no praise just constant like do it this way do it this way but i cut i like next time i know like just put that in like leave it in i was just trying to make editing easier for her but i'm like next time add in don't do it man you don't don't do it just insincerely but like leave it in because otherwise you can't use it because gen z is very fine like they're just acting like the person who's probably making the next Taylor Swift right now. What do you mean?

Oh, yeah. That's how you make a Taylor Swift. No, Taylor Swift did not get made by her parents. Yeah. At all. But who was it? Her. She abused herself.

Yeah. She bullies herself because she puts her. Wait, what's the Eminem line? I bully myself because I make me do what I put my mind to. And I'm a million leads above you. Ew, when I speak in tongues. I'm almost memorized. I know.

You were doing it the other day. Rap God. Rap God. How close are you? When are you going to debut Rap God? I bet you shall. You don't even understand how hard. When I started this journey to memorize Rap God, the first couple days, I was like, I'm

never going to. It's literally impossible. It felt kind of like Dancing with the Stars, I was like, I'm never gonna, it's literally impossible. Like, it felt kind of like Dancing with the Stars where I'm like, I can't do that dance. Like, there's no fucking way, even though it's like not that,

but Rap God truly is so fast, so hard, and I'm like 80% of the way there. Chris walks in all the time on me practicing, which is kind of embarrassing because he's like,

shouldn't you be practicing the globes? But I feel like it's helping me to practice saying words fast. I think it helps your creativity. I mean, yeah, you are like nailing. These are all new jokes and you are nailing the lines and stuff. It helps me memorize and get cadence down and like rhythm.

And it's just like a different, it's just switching up something. Like I got to mix up my goals. Yeah, well, that's probably good for your mental uh acuity as you age yeah if you were speaking rap god how long do you think it would be well rap god is like if you're just talking just talking rap you think it's over an hour no no no no it's i would i would say it's probably 25 minutes 25 minutes wow yeah yeah i would say it's even longer. I mean, it's so many fucking words.

It's so many. It is so many words. I think it's, the song is like six minute long. Yeah. Six minutes. Six minutes.

Yeah. That's the top of the song. Six minutes. Yeah. Yeah. It's a six minute song. If you haven't heard Rap God, someone go,

you got to go listen to it because it's, just know that I've almost memorized it all. I can do each part, but I can't do, like there's one part that I'm a little struggling with and it's not the part you think. I've almost memorized it all i can do each part but i can't do it like there's one part that i'm a little struggling with and it's not the part you think i've got can you do it acapella without the music yeah i've been doing it in the shower a lot like

once you start listening to it enough it like gets into your brain but i'm i think i'll debut it i'll probably put it on tiktok at some point but it does say the the f word a lot the other f word this is amazing progress i remember a few years ago you were talking about having trouble memorizing the star spangled banner yo yeah that was hard trouble with that one still just just that one yeah i don't know why yeah yeah yeah because that there's a lot of pressure on that this one's this is the new star spangled banner by the way every year at the end of every year you memorize a new song but um back to like jet like being worried about like people thinking you're nice like that is that that is interesting that gen z is like aware or like the famous

people coming up are aware of that not reading the comments really frees me but it's kind it kind of does make you um yeah you know it's like i don't get to see any of the good stuff. I don't get to interact with people. Do you like hearing the good stuff? You know, yes. It's nice when Emily writes to me like, J-Lo said this slays or whatever. Lots of famous people commented on the Empire State Building post.

Yeah, and Emily told me about a couple of them. I can't remember though. It doesn't land. I don't think it really lands. Well, I did. I shared a link to everyone except you. This is a very common thing now. That's okay.

You don't want to bother me. Well, this wasn't I don't want to bother you. This was I know that you don't like reading comments, so I'm not going to share it with you. Oh, okay. But I shared it with Chris and Bob and Ian and Sean. And I was like, somebody random on YouTube posted your Thursday Night Football from last week. It got 140,000 views.

Whoa. This is like a random YouTube channel with 8,000 subscribers. So it's not like a big deal. And all the comments are so positive. Really? Everyone's like, someone said,

I don't watch the game. I only watch Nikki. Oh my God. That's so nice. Yeah. And I was just, everyone was so overwhelmingly positive. I was like, this is so nice. Yeah, and I was just, everyone was so overwhelmingly positive. I was like, this is so nice. I hope we get to do

it again. They were really fun. That was the kind of thing that I'm like, I just, I hope there's time in my schedule to do that in the fall. I think there will... I'll be gearing up to tape something in the fall, I think. It'll be tough, but they're not...

The beauty is, we don't have to write until we get like, we have to write a little bit until we get there. Well, you just kind of send out an assignment on Monday. Yeah. Wednesday night,

the night before, and then Thursday. It's like memorizing Rap God. It takes you out of whatever you're doing. It's just like a one night thing that takes you out of it. And then you get back

to what you have to do. It's like a different, it's, yeah. It's a well-oiled machine at this point. Yeah, it's great. Would you rather have known about the Globes like less time less time um do you think you could have too much time i think no because i i didn't start working on it until like until chris was done with the

two projects he was working on because he was really gonna run it and i know that he would never let me not start early enough and so like i just went by like when chris was like it's time to go and yeah i feel like there's just no i feel like in really good shape for it right now and like i don't there's not a part of me that's like we need one more week like i think there's been there there's been that for me in specials where i'm like god one more week i I could just fine tune some stuff. And then I just asked for another week and it's always one more week for a special because it feels like it's just an hour of material. The Golden Globes is like 10 minutes.

So it feels like I'm okay with being like, this, this is what it is. And I shouldn't have done more and I couldn't have done more. And also the nominees didn't come out until the 9th, I think. Yeah. I think later. No, it was the 9 the ninth it was the day after the last errors and then um that's how you know that's how i know uh this was actually 478 days after the last errors yeah i know that and uh and also yeah it's like i just feel like you just don't what was the other thing i was gonna say about um taking oh um and i think about like

i remember i'm sure it's been said a million times about snl but bow and yang was saying about snl that like the most frustrating part is like you you can't perfect it like you write these sketches on a wednesday night and you run them on saturday and like oh man if you had another two weeks to rewrite and punch up and to think different things about what production more time to produce it and put it on camera what could it be but you just don't get that that's what it is and that's what this is like you don't get that like this is i don't think we would have benefited from an extra week i think we maybe would have suffered from an extra week yeah yeah i mean you can i do that every every time i have too much time to do my makeup it starts look it goes from looking

perfect to disgusting. It can ruin makeup just by one more little thing. Let me just say. And then it's. Oh, God. What a metaphor for life, too. Yeah. So I think this is a perfect amount of time because I'm getting to the point where I'm like,

we're starting to take out jokes from the practice because I'm tired of saying them. And it's like they're diminishing returns. And the best thing is, I thought, based on Anya and Matt's reaction on're diminishing returns and the best thing is is like we had i thought like you know based on you know anya and matt's reaction on the road like three weeks ago like an a plus set like oh my god this is gonna kill we've beat all of those jokes pretty much all of them all the jokes that were like our a plus of our original and maybe second and third fourth drafts yeah are now like our d's in the set because the rest has risen. If it's on a curve. It's great.

I don't think, if it's on a curve, it's a D. I don't think we have lower than a B+. No, no, no, they're all, I agree. There's maybe one or two B-plus jokes and the rest are As and then one or two A-pluses, which is like what you want.

You can't have all A-pluses. The scary thing about the monologue for the Globes is, unlike the roast, where you have a better picture, you don't really know how the audience is going to respond in the, you don't really know how the audience is going to respond in the room.

And so no matter how good we do in these clubs. Well, that's why I'm going Jets game, the first TNF where they were screaming at me. Oh, yeah. If you want to see, I think it's somewhere online. It's me at the first game. It was the Jets and...

Well, yeah. Eagles? The Jets won. Yeah, the Jets won. That's why it was such a big deal. We were in New York, right? Yeah, it was Jets and... Well, yeah. Eagles? The Jets won. Yeah. That's why it was such a big deal. We were in New York, right? Yeah, it was Jets and... Might have been Eagles. Patriots?

Might have been Patriots. I think it was Patriots. Yeah. And the Jets won, and I had to do my first Thursday night football roast, and the crowd was screaming, not listening to me at all, like literally 10 feet away from me.

Chanting J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets, because they won. Sauce Gardner, sauce, sauce. Like sauce is behind me. They're trying to get an autograph, not paying attention that there's a broadcast. It's only the second time that someone's yelled sauce at you during a show. Yeah, exactly. When I spilled A1 all over me. No, it was chaotic and I just had to like look down the barrel of the thing and just deliver it

that's that's slightly different than the globes i think the globes the worst case scenario is i'll go back to cabo when i the story i told jimmy kimmel where i bombed in front of uh billionaires that's gonna be more the vibe because it was well lit um they felt uncomfortable to laugh in front of like people that they were like trying to be in front of. And it was jokes at their expense, kind of. And they were worried about each other. It was more that vibe. And that is where I'll go to in my mind because I just plowed through that. They didn't know I knew I was bombing.

Different from Cabo, though, these people at the Globes are going to be expecting a comedian. Yeah, that's true. It's not a surprise. And there's a precedent. Especially, you're not going to be as offensive as Ricky Gervais. So it's like, you know, I think that they'll be pretty pleased. It's just a matter of like, are they listening? Are they talking to people at their tables?

That's the tough part. I actually got a DM this morning from someone who's going to be at the Globes. Okay. And asked me me i can't probably say who it is because it would give away a presenter even though i don't think that like who really cares if i give away a presenter but i can't luigi but it was it's i think the nicest person i think it's probably one of the nicest celebrity reach outs i've ever had in my life of someone who is checking to send me their script that they're going to write for their to present to run by to make sure it doesn't step over any of the jokes I'm doing.

Because if it does, they will just rewrite jokes. That's what is it a comedian or an actor? Um, comedy writer, comedy actor, comedy writer. That is amazing like the I cannot wait the menchiest mench

of all menches okay now I know who it is it's yeah I mean it is yeah a mench can be anyone

but it does it is very fitting well a mench is a Yiddish word yes but I could call a goy a mench you could call a goy a mench

yeah so that's Kat Williams I do it all the time Kat Williams is a mench yeah it call a goy a mensch yeah so that's Kat Williams I do it all the time you wouldn't be your Kat Williams as a mensch yeah it's Kat Williams but it was so so nice I read it to Chris this morning because it was like

the first thing I saw when I woke up and we were just like wow he's like can I just email you my jokes I'm like yes and also

I'll rewrite mine you are on the hierarchy like but what a what a kind thing and this person is like you would just you would already. And this person is like, you would just,

you would already think that this person is as good as they are. And so it's just, I mean, you want to get out the Akinator? Is it Malcolm Gladwell? Yeah,

he's presenting at the Golden Globe. I'll get out the Akinator. I mean, I already know who it is. Oh, really? Wait, wait,

could go like this. See if you got it. Yeah, good job. Do you want me to tell you? I saw him. Oh, you did?

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think I saw him. Yeah. Yeah. It was such a nice thing though and i really appreciated that you think any part of it he doesn't want you to step on his jokes yeah i mean i think there's a good collab there both but he he literally said and i'll write new jokes right well you know well to be fair to i'm like i got a joke for you oh shit remember the joke that kind of we had referencing him defying yes of course yeah yeah i'm like i'm i might throw it to him we're not you know or maybe if i'm introing him we might use it yeah is it though well we'll talk about it after yeah

yeah i think i remember it yeah um but in uh for But to support Colin's point here. I like when you call me Colin. Yeah, I do too. Colin, he is going after you. Right? He's going after me. Oh, yeah. That was my point. This person, man or woman, who may or may not be Jewish, is going after you.

Yeah, he's checking his jokes. Yeah. So if you are doing a joke that's similar to his, that actually hurts him more than it hurts you. But also, he could, through the production he's dealing with, get it to me that I need to change my joke because he's blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I mean, he probably could do that. He's more famous than I am,

but it wouldn't seem like it was coming from him. He directed Goodfellas, so I mean, he's got the power. So the fact that he reached out, yeah, it is checking his jokes, but it's not all just about me, but he literally goes, I'll write new ones. Yeah. So I was like, that's just so cool. He sounds, it sounds pure.

Sounds nice. Yeah. I really wish I would have been following him. I've never heard anything bad about him. I would have bet you a million dollars I was already following this person. It sucks so much when celebrities DM you because they definitely see, like, it says follow. It doesn't say follow back. And then you got to follow back and then they see, you know.

But were they following you or did they just start following you? I think they, I don't know. I didn't check. Okay. I didn't check. Well, there's no need to. It doesn't say follow back. And then you gotta follow back and then they... But were they following you or did they just start following you? I think they... I don't know. I didn't check. Okay. I didn't check. Well, there's no need to. It's petty bullshit.

There's another thing that when I come across like comedians, like new comedians who I'm like, this guy's really funny. He's like, you know, in his late 20s, early 30s

and they're not following me. I truly get offended. Yeah. And it's not even like I'm like, what the fuck? You think you're better than me? It's like, oh, this guy doesn't like look up to me in any way not that anyone should like i don't

think i'm hot shit but it's like you don't think like you don't even want to be friends with me it's more that like you haven't heard i'm a nice person that you maybe want to shoot a follow to just to like i'll try to to back these people up please at their level i mean i do the same thing i didn't follow this guy so i get it yeah at their level it's really important to have a good ratio so you know you might they might check in on you but like if you can't just follow every famous comedian because then you you look like a loser that's a really good point once you have a hundred thousand followers and then you can have three thousand following like him more yeah i was like, this kid, I kind of want his approval. What's his name?

He's really funny. I'll give him a shout out. You're not following me, but I just discovered you today. And I think he's friends with like Emil. I've heard people tell me about this kid. Fuck, where is he? I just looked him up. Is it Timothy Chalamet?

No. Oh, some kid, Tommy. Oh, Tommy Brennan. Tommy Brennan. He's great. He's so funny. Yeah, he's very nice. I just saw one of his clips came up for me

and then I just went and watched a bunch. I was just like, okay, that one was hilarious. Let's see if he can do it again. That's fucking hilarious. I haven't missed with him yet. He's great. He's very handsome. He's a cutie too. Is he in New York or LA? He's New York. Oh, he's got that

jacket. You've met him before with me, I think. Really? Yeah. He used to work for Cameo back in the day. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. I remembered him. There was the outdoor show in LA, and he came up.

He was very complimentary. I've been on calls with him for Cameo. Yeah, yeah. And he doesn't even follow you? No, but that's okay. Did you ever do Cameo in earnest? Yeah. And then are you even follow you? No, but that's okay. Did you ever do Cameo in earnest? Yeah. And then are you still on it?

No. Well, I might be because I just like got tired of doing them. How many were you doing? During pandemic, I was doing a lot, but it was like, I would say probably like the height of it was for a couple of weeks. I was doing like, I would say like 20 a week. Like it was adding up and it was like, it was just too much because I would say like 20 a week like it was adding up and it was like it was just too much

because I would I would make them personalized and I would like write songs for people no I raised I put mine at like $10,000 just so

or maybe a thousand just so people would stop ordering because I couldn't I couldn't take myself off I didn't know how it's all making sense he's from he was the cute boy

yeah from Chicago from Chicago with the girl who has blonde hair too. They were both so nice. So he lived out here and he didn't get that much traction. Then he went to New York. Some kid Tommy. Follow him. How many followers? How many following?

76.8 thousand followers following 2444. 2444? Okay, so he should be following you with those numbers what the fuck Tommy yeah you know me

we've been on we've been on that's very weird that he's not following you he's following 2500 people are you sure no because I followed him this morning for the first time

and it didn't say follow back he's following 2500 people and you're not one of them how could he click on click on follow how is there no he's not following

it's okay he probably is now because he probably saw it come through well once he hears this clip he's gonna follow you but how could you follow 2500 people I'll he probably saw it come through. Once he hears this clip, he's going to follow you. How could you follow $2,500? I'll text him.

You want me to text him right now? No, no, no. He'll eventually hear about this, but he's hilarious. I don't even think I could think of $2,500. This is new, dude. This is new. I don't know. I swear.

I swear it's new. I'm very surprised by that because he's not the kind to be like- Okay, maybe he was, but I definitely thought that he wasn't, and I definitely noted it as like, man, I wish this kid thought I was funny because he's really funny kind to be like... Okay, maybe he was, but I definitely thought that he wasn't and I definitely noted it as like, man, I wish this kid thought I was funny because he's really funny. Because he opens for Kelsey and he opens for like Becky...

Kelsey... Cook? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I was thinking about it. And Becky Robinson. I'll bring this kid on the road. He's really... He has twice as many followers as me.

But I only follow 375 people. If I had his following, I would probably have less than a thousand. I would never think about this at all. Why don't everyone stop thinking? Because people look at it. No, they don't. Yes, they do.

They don't look at it for you. They don't look at it for you. But I've never been like, oh, my fault. Even when I didn't have that many followers, just follow who you like. If I had 40,000 followers and 10,000 following, no one would book me. But dude, you don't need to follow 10,000 people. You can follow 60,000 following, no one would book me. But dude, you don't need to follow 10,000 people. You can follow 60,000 following.

No one cares. I'm following 80,000 people and I have one follower? No, but I know a lot of successful media. Just be yourself. See, I can write for literally anybody.

This is what I say. This is my quote. I can write for anybody's voice except one person. Yourself. Myself. That's really interesting. It's a curse. I really interesting curse i i i disagree

with you on that though i think that like your stand-up is very in your voice well and i feel like even when you write for people like you like i i just watched something that you had a hand in writing and i could pick out each thing that you wrote because i know your voice i can write for your voice that's the thing dog shit yeah I love that bit. Wait, I was going to do an impression. We have to break. I'll come back with my impression of Brian when we get back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back

in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious, satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show,

ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I was going to try to do an impression of you last night to Chris because I was like, and I was like, I go, what do you think a Brian Frangie impression, what word would it start with? And I can't remember it now, but it was like, there's only one word possibly that Brian Frangie would, if an impression of him would start with. And now I can't remember what it was. Percentage wise. It was something like that. It was like some kind of like,

like just a little, like a, I don't know, like fact, not factoid. That would be like adam conover yeah i mean you gotta have that in you yeah but it's not like i don't know if i like that no i love the way you talk i can but i i can i can pick it out now it's it's nice when you have that kind

of um stamp sure sure of how you operate now when i say just to be clear when i said i don't know if i like that about being compared to Adam Conover, it's not because I don't like Adam Conover. I love Adam Conover. It's because Adam Conover is Adam Conover and I'm not Adam Conover. That's a really, really good point. I do hate when people follow zero people. Keh. Oh, yeah.

So keh. That means we know you have a fake account, you loser. It's not like you aren't doing anything. What do you mean? We means we know you have a fake account, you loser. It's not like you aren't doing anything. What do you mean? Like we know that the person has a, if you're following zero people, you have an account

where you're following everyone you want to follow. Oh, yeah. And you're literally just doing this to look cool. Oh, gosh. It's like, that doesn't make you look cool.

It makes you looking like you're trying to look cool. The only way I empathize is I do know someone that does it and it's because they're too in their head about comparing themselves to other people.

They're not a loser. I love you. There are others that are losers. I'm sorry I pointed. Losers. You shoved that word loser onto Brian. Percentage wise you're a loser. Do they really not

look at Instagram at all? Nothing comes up on their feed? I guess you're a loser. But do they really not look at Instagram at all? Like nothing comes up on their feed? I mean, I guess you get suggested videos. Well, I did that for Apple Rankings Instagram. I only follow five people on that. Just like five. I think you're one of them. That's funny.

And then Hamish and Andy and then like the Sweet Tango Apple Company or whatever. Okay. It's the milt. There are other people that follow like two people and it's like a random like building and then their their mom you know like something like that's even

yeah you can be funny about it but I just think that if you're I just don't like this like trying to curate the way that you

like like not being able to enjoy content or support your friends because you're trying to look cool uh huh like you're not trying to like i really do think it makes a difference but i mean yeah if it does it does

at your early stages once you get to 100 200 000 followers you can easily have you can be following 2 000 3 000 people and it doesn't matter how many people i literally don't know how many people i'm following it might be probably 3 000 really i think yeah i don't yeah 3151 yeah and so that's probably everybody you want to follow you're not holding back on anybody except the guy today that i started like i wish i would have been following him there's a lot of people that i'm you know what i learned about myself though because i went back to try to find a video that i couldn't find that i like that's the most annoying thing about instagram is you cannot search memes like it's popping up on your feed

you can't type in you know chart about dogs looking at you and dreaming like there's no way to find that little fucking lie that you saw I don't think that exists you gotta make that why can't you I just hate it so I went back to go

oh maybe final thought I go maybe I liked it i probably did and that'll be the way to find it so i went to my likes whoa you can do that yeah what first of all i say on instagram yeah there's likes you can see your history of your likes whoa maybe this is something for people over 10 000 followers i don't but you have that over that right yeah um okay so i don't i don't know but you can look at your likes i don't, but you have that over that, right? Yeah. Okay. So I don't, I don't know, but you can look at your likes. I don't be liking a lot of shit.

Like I liked like five things in two weeks and I'm like, am I being like stingy with my likes? Like I almost felt cool. I'm like, am I like a cool person? That's like, no, I like from me means something.

Timmy Chalamet would be liking a lot of things. Truly. I don't think the more famous you get prior to less likes go down, but I don't even, I didn't know that I was not getting out. Like things. Truly, I don't. I think the more famous you get, probably the less likes go down. But I don't even, I didn't know that I was not giving out likes because I like stuff. It takes me two seconds to go boom, boom. Yeah, I like that.

I thought I was doing it, so now I'm being more liberal with my likes because I assumed that I was liking things. It's in the same way that I assumed I would be following this person that I am a fan of. It brings you, think about it this way.

You have a unique power as a famous person to bring joy to people's lives by liking them. And to support the algorithm and help them get more views. I need to comment more on things. I'm trying to comment more on stuff and share it. I wanted to post one of Tommy's clips on my Instagram, but I haven't posted it on my story in a day. So it would have just been his alone. I just felt like I don't even know.

And he's not following me, and I felt like i had never met him before so i was just like i can't i'll do this later once we're friends i'll share but i also you know i talked about on the podcast today so i'm all about commenting now i comment all the time on things even if it's an argument i'm i'm i'm over it i'm over being like i don't want to say my opinion i don't want to get into an argument with a troll i'll just say my piece and it's like it's been great i love getting likes on comments sometimes i'll say oh it's so fun i like leave one and then i'll have like 2 000 likes and i'll be like what yeah but then i'll go i'll leave a funny comment on like a bigger comedian's thing and it crushes yeah i have one comment that has like 3 400 but it gets more likes than i'd get

on mine. Yeah. And I'm like, this is how big this comedian is. Who is it? What did you do? It was Shane Gillis. He had a photo with Donald Trump. And I was like, this is like Trevor Noah posing with Barack Obama. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that.

And he got like 3,400. And I'm like, this got more love. Yeah. I was very proud of a comment that I made. It was on Twitter. I'm even doing this on Twitter on twitter damn i don't even have twitter i don't tweet at all but i i'll comment yeah there was um uh kirk herb street uh oh yeah yeah who does uh the tnf tnf without michael's about play by play okay so you know this can you explain it because i'm kind of forgetting well he just he was talking shit about what i did countdown right or ohio state or like yeah and shannon sharp got varying or one of the yeah i didn't do a good job explaining because i actually

don't know much about the story i just know well he was he was like kind of critical of some football team that has a huge fan base in college football and then and we also may remember that kirk kerbstreet has a famous dog that he brings to all the games and it recently died recently passed away yes so one of the fans of uh the team that he was criticizing tweeted out why don't you go pet your dog which i found to be one of the most obscene offensive things i've ever read on the internet a new dog on the road with him yeah but he's that's not what he meant

I know was he saying like kill yourself like go to heaven no he's saying he's just trying to hurt him by saying like your dog died

yeah I kind of took it as like you should go die because that's the only way you could pet your dog I guess it could be that too but I just don't I do not tolerate

someone bringing up someone's death good for you go so I tweeted just pure list, straightforward I just said, you're an asshole Great

And man, it's just Every single person that likes it, I'm like, yeah Thank you I love that I used to not do that I'm not going to engage with people like this I'm not going to say my true opinion But this guy, you're an asshole

I do it on TikTok sometimes because I'm just like No one not going to say my true opinion, but this guy, you're an asshole. I do it on TikTok sometimes because I'm just like, no one's going to, I just feel anonymous on TikTok a little bit. So I'll write comments sometimes. It's going away. I'm like right out of Reddit. Like I feel, I feel bad doing like, I just feel weird, but I'm just like. Reddit's really personal. Oh, I almost went fucking nuts the other day on an Us Weekly post, which, listen, Us Weekly, we're not looking to them as the forefront of, like, you know, celebrity, even celebrity journalism.

We know that they're like, but they're not as trashy as, like, to me, they're not as trashy. I purely read Us Weekly for international policy news. For me, they're not as trashy as, like, a, I don't know, like some of the other tabloids. I can't think of the names of them. But I just, like, you know, I've been in Us Weekly. Like I think they're uplifting celebrities. They're giving you like a very like watered down, like we love Hollywood and everything's great. I mean, it's not like you're not getting truth bombs there.

But they had like the whole thing of Justin Timberlake in the harness where it looked like his penis was small or whatever. Did you see that? Yeah. And then he had a new T-shirt. He got a new shirt looked like his penis was small or whatever did you see that yeah and then he had a new t-shirt he got a new shirt to cover his penis okay and then they call that out i'm sorry it's so fucking rude it is though and then the comments because of the britney spears and everyone and the janet jackson of it all like everyone feels like it's okay to just pile on justin timberlake and not like him and and body shame him like it's as nothing what I did to Britney and Janet or whatever you think about that has nothing to do with his penis size but making fun of someone who might look like first of all every I think that penises look small when they're not hard like that's just a

thing that happens especially when it's tucked up in a harness and who first of all if he has a small penis who gives a fuck that might be the reason why he was being to janet and britney's because well he has a small penis and he feels bad about and why does he feel bad about himself because we have a culture that constantly makes fun of guys for having small penises and feels that it's like acceptable to do that when really it doesn't matter at all it doesn't say anything about your manhood that you have a big dick it literally any woman but it's good to have a big hulk and dong well some women like it but guess what like it's absolutely not necessary for uh to be a real man in bed and to really pleasure a woman like i'm sorry i used to have a bit about it but i took it out of my act because i just felt like it wasn't worked out enough but my point it wasn't even funny my point is is that um lesbians have satisfying sex lives

and they don't have penises at all yeah yeah so what do you what are we and they like penetration yeah if you if you have a penis size that you don't like just use toys and your woman will if she needs a big dick like just use toys but also you don't really need a big dick and also it is not okay to shame i don't care who he is to make it about him. I don't even like when people are like, Trump has a small dick. Because it's like, that is not something that we should judge people's character by at all or shame them for. It's something they can't help. It's bullshit.

And it creates, this is where incels come from. Because they see women are very outspoken about dick size because they know they can be. Because if any guy goes, that's mean's mean oh you have a small dick and so they men can't even defend themselves because it'll seem like they have a small dick if they do it's this like perfect thing that women feel like they can just attack men on and i know it comes from a place of women feeling totally attacked on their bodies and feeling like men judge us for our tit size and how much we weigh but guess what we've all culturally kind of come together and gone that sucks yeah it's not okay to do us weekly weekly would totally never put up

a post about some woman's boobs being too small or someone being fat yeah yeah but for some reason it's totally fine to just like put like put this out there and they didn't say he had a small dick but they just put it out there i mean so that the vultures could just swing in and just start tearing him to shreds and i'm just like i just thought it was and so i put this whole thing of like i can't wait for this to come back around in 10 years when we say how did men survive the uh you know 2020s you know how like all the memes are about like how did women survive the body negativity in the early 2000s? And there's clips of Britney Spears being asked about her boobs.

There's clips of Jessica Simpson being called fat when she was a size four. And it's like all this evidence to be like, we all should have eating disorders. How did we survive? We're so strong. We're going to do that for men, but it's going to be about right now

because we're not, this is making men hate us. And I would fucking hate women too if they were found it totally culturally acceptable to talk about my dick size and make it seem like that is an indication of who i am or my worth as a a human i would really implore women to not partake in these conversations about small dicks not laugh about it not giggle about it talk if you're disappointed by a dick with your friends talk about it in a closed closed environment but don't talk about it in front of other men because they can't defend themselves because then that feels

like they're outing themselves as having a small dick which is somehow shameful because of this whole thing let's like change the vibe about it yeah it's not nice i mean to be fair there's there's a lot of men who would pay good money to have a hot girl say their dick is small on the internet that's true but if that's what you're into, great, go in those comments. But for the most part, it is really harming young men. Also, Harness Dick is tough. We don't know if he's got a small dick or not. He might have a perfectly huge dick.

I'm sure he has a six or seven inch dick. He's tall. Who cares? Justin Timberlake is hot. He's talented. No one's going to kick him out of bed for whatever he has in there like i'm sorry we don't i don't i don't i don't even care if he has a dick i would still have dated like it doesn't matter to me as a woman that like i don't know it just doesn't matter that much you

could have a guy a husband with a huge dick and he could be in an accident and get it chopped off okay so is he worthless are you not gonna marry don't say that but it can happen it's like it's like there could be penis cancer you that have it removed like it's not every it's not your whole worth as a man it absolutely would never matter to me uh if my boyfriend had whatever he had or maybe he has maybe there's a guy who you discounted as a small dick and then he gets a disease where his dick grows three side three times the size and does that make him now worth more to some it's culturally it would seem so but guess what it wouldn't ultimately at all and even women who are like i'm a size queen i need a big dick okay cool you're letting a lot of good men go really yeah wow wow you're so

different than other women you need a big dick like shut up i do hear a lot of like oh no it's it's the motion rather than the ocean or whatever it's not the motion it's go buy a sex toy no i agree but i'm just saying i hear all these times where like girls are like it's not it's not about the size it's not about the size and then i'll see like a tiktok of some guy that throws his cock in some white shorts and it's like bouncing around and then the videos are all like tongues a big dick feels good but if you don't have one, I'm sorry. Well, a dick can be too big, right?

Yes. A dick can be too big. But it does feel, I'm not denying that it's an interesting feeling and it does feel good, but it's also, it can be too big. And also, I don't think guys should be ashamed of using toys to supplement once in a while if you want it. I'm sorry, sometimes I don't want, my boyfriend doesn't have two dicks and sometimes I want two. So does he go, I only have one. I'm sorry. Like, sometimes I don't want, my boyfriend doesn't have two dicks and sometimes I want two. So does he go, I only have one.

I'm not good enough for her. We just get another one in the mix. And here's the thing about the toys. It's like, you know, it just saves energy. Like, it's hard to make, it's hard to keep going. Oh my God. If you're, if you're, if you're girls like use a toy. Using your hand is a lot easier than your hips.

Also for like. It's like using a microwave instead of like boiling water. Totally. It's like I can use the microwave. Totally. I think. Bring in as many toys as you want. I don't.

Yeah, I don't. Men need to be more accepting of women using toys in bed if they want and not feeling like it means that they're not enough. And I would say the same for women in terms of like if you're a catcher man watching porn and it's like about huge tits and you don't have huge tits like allow some flexibility of his desire to be outside the bounds of what you bring to the table but don't take it personally yeah and also dick pills women stop just stop the the small dick stuff just please stop it's like bad for society that's that's the resolution for the society for society society. I really think it's important.

Don't feel bad if your boyfriend or husband uses dick pills because it's not about you. You should feel bad because they're bad. Oh, I guess you're talking about like Viagra. Not like the stuff you get at a gas station. Those things you shouldn't take. Isn't that obvious? Like the pills, the supplements at gas stations that they say make your dick bigger no it doesn't

that's filled with chemicals that's not real and if there's a female they're calling it female Viagra but it's not really because it doesn't make you like get wet it's not chemically makes you get wet it's just like I think makes your hormones change so that you're more horny and it's been on the market it's called ADE or something I'm like I want it so bad

but until then go see baby girl we all saw baby girl go see baby girl if you want to be a little bit uh horned up at least i was i felt deeply uncomfortable with how horny i felt during that movie but it was good like what parts were you horny at though like when she is getting fingered yeah fingered without yeah and there's like a pillow over her head apparently she had a real orgasm no way that's what a gay guy told me cutting my hair yesterday he also said you were his famous favorite comedian is he following me no i followed for him we gotta go see baby girl though if you want to get horned up ladies and uh all right uh that's the podcast. We'll be back next week.

Happy New Year. What was that, Noah? Watch the Golden Globes? Watch the Golden Globes on January 5th. Is that what you said? Oh, yeah. Watch the Golden Globes January 5th. Support your girl.

Laugh hard. It'll be for all the men listening. I guess and women, too. I don't know why I said that. Let's just say for anybody listening. Whoa. I can't wait to hear what you were just going to be directing only to men. This is going to be right after an NFL wildcard playoff game.

So just keep the TV on. Yeah, that's easy. Yeah. Yeah. Who is it going to be against? We don't know yet. You don't know? Yeah, we don't know until the playoffs begin.

Is the Chiefs a possibility? No, because they're going to have a bye. They just clinched first seed. Oh, really? Yeah, they're going to have a bye. Is it going to be another Chiefs Super Bowl? It's looking like it's pretty likely. Are you going to come out with a harness on with a little penis? Yeah, they're going to have a bye. Is it going to be another Chiefs Super Bowl? It's looking like it's... Are you going to come out with a harness on with a little penis?

At the Globes? Yeah, at the Globes. Yeah. If you got... Lower down. Apropos of nothing. Like, literally no one... And don't even mention it.

It's going to be me. He's talented. Of course. Maybe if he had a bigger dick, he wouldn't be. I bet he's, listen, it doesn't even matter, but I bet he is a grower. Oh, for sure. Like, I wouldn't put that, and who gives a shit if he's not? Like, it has nothing to do with how you feel about Justin Timberlake.

It literally, it's just, you're being mean. And you're making an easy dig about something. Be more creative with your insults about, like, make it really about what you're mad at him about, not that. All right, got to go. Thank you for listening. Don't be cute. Bye. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.