The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #5 Swells!

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

Everyone's grateful to start the week but Nikki isn't sure why Andrew has been chewing on his hands. They talk about smells in life and in the news, hooking up with people pretending to be animals, Andrew's ideal boyfriend for Nikki and they also introduce a new segment called Yesterday I Learned. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I can sing it. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, It feels like forever since we finished out last week.

And what a week it was. Thank you so much to everyone who listened to our first week. Andrew and I seriously were bummed out on Saturday when we didn't have a podcast to do. So I hope you're having as much fun as we are. We're back for week two. So excited. Between you and me, I am not sleeping very much and I'm okay with it. It's okay. I'm my skin doesn't look as good as it does when I sleep a lot. I, um, I'm not really thinking as clearly. Um, I think some people compare being sleep, like people have done

studies, people, scientists, I think those are the ones that do studies, where like people drive tired and it's like the same or with like sleep deprivation, it's the same as being drunk. And so I honestly feel like I'm just drinking again that's i feel drunk all the time a little bit that's not true but kind of i also only have one contact in and sometimes i just take one contact out just to feel a little drunk because i it's been so long that's also not true is the other one in acetone oh my god we've gotten so much feedback about that story really tell you please our email the nikki glazer podcast at gmail.com where people horrified and where people like you need to do

this i just want to let everyone know it was like 10 or 12 years ago so my eyes are fine but what did they say a lot of people are just grateful that you didn't go blind oh that's really sweet it's always it could happen at any moment you You know, like I watched the, the, that song, that's a movie, the, the sound of metal where the drummer loses his hearing guys, appreciate the senses that you have. And to anyone who is deaf out there, how are you listening to this right now? I guess podcasts can be transcribed and there's tons of transcription services. So shout out to everyone who's reading this right now, who is deaf. I guess podcasts can be transcribed and there's tons of transcription services. So shout out to everyone who's reading this right now, who is deaf. I'm talking directly to you.

No, it's like, I, I really, it made me appreciate my site when that happened. One of my biggest fears of getting COVID was losing my sense of smell or taste. I mean, that, that really was my biggest fear with COVID, you know, aside from giving it to someone, because I just, I don't get the flu. I've never gotten the flu. I don't really get sick that often. Knock on, knock on wood, knock on wood. I'm not superstitious except when that with that, well, I guess I am. Um. And so I wasn't really scared of dying from COVID. And I know maybe that's an irrational fear. Please don't write into the show and tell me why I should be scared. I honestly tried everything not to get it. But I just really

didn't want to lose my sense of smell or taste. And people that lost it and it hasn't come back in the right way or in a different way. That scared me so much. I love tasting things way too much, and smell is also very important to me. Even though I don't, like, I just started wearing perfume. Like, Paris Hilton got me into perfume. Brag. I'm, like, friends with her now or whatever.

It's not a big deal. When I did a show with her that's coming out at some point in the summer I think um back in December I I went to Paris's house and shot a little not a little thing a long thing and she at one point in the middle of in between takes she like doused herself in this perfume and it smelled so good and I was like what is that and she was like it's my it's my new perfume um objectify no that's not what it's called that's so funny i literally just thought i wasn't even trying to be funny that is what i thought it was called um i forget the name of it fuck i wish i could go i'll find it between segments so girls wondering but the thing was i love that paris hilton's wearing her own perfume that is not

the most expensive perfume and you just think that someone i hate when celebrities make products or endorse products that they clearly do not wear themselves and uh she's clearly not one of those people like jennifer aniston i did a joke about it on conan jennifer aniston using a vino products i was like she wouldn't wash her asshole with aeno face wash, let alone put it on her face. You know, like these people are lying to you. Katy Perry and Halle Berry don't use cover girl, like wake up, you know, but Paris Hilton really does use her own perfume and it smells so good. So I, she gave me a bunch of stuff and I like wear it all the time. And the other day a guy, um,

we are like walking to set and a guy was like, you smell fantastic. And I was like, it just like felt so good. You know, I wasn't even anywhere close to him and it just felt so good. No one ever says that, you know,

sometimes I have a shampoo, I guess, unless someone's really getting in there. I never get smell compliments and it just felt nice. Noah, do you wear a perfume? I very rarely do I wear perfume. i don't like artificial scents i just like regular bo um for yourself um i guess like you like bo for yourself no no not on me i like the like muskiness

of men i do like a light flowery perfume on women, but just when it's overbearing, it just makes me nauseous. Yes. I, I, um, I believe I talked about it with you on our last show, but I agree with you. I love perfume. I, I just, I question my own taste so much that I can only wear perfume that other women have deemed okay to wear because I don't trust that. But now that I like myself more and I honestly, like, I just am who I am. I've accepted it a lot more. If I like a smell, I don't care if other girls don't, you know, like, but I used to just base my smells and my outfits and, like, everything off of, like, oh, she thinks it's cool. I'll wear it or whatever.

And now it's kind of starts from within. But I, yeah, I love that Paris Hilton. I'll get the fragrance to let you know because sometimes girls do need help. Sometimes we don't know what smells good. And this one's like a sexy, good smell. I do know that there's one perfume that's very expensive that my friend, Carlisle Forrester, who has the best taste in sexy things.

Oh, yeah. Right? She's super sexy. She knows what turns men on. Everything she does turns men on. She could fart. And guys would get down on one knee to not only propose but get a whiff of that sweet sweet fart it comes from an honest place she's like an honest sexy

it doesn't seem like she's trying you know some yeah some people just are some women just are she just is and uh bond fuck the scent of peace is the name of it and it's by bond something it's a perfume that costs like i think 250 i think i got it for her for her birthday because she was like i can never afford it but like i love it so much yeah and i got it for her and i i fucked her after i did well i i had to fuck the girl at the the testing counter because that's how hot this fragrance is. I went down on her at the testing counter because that's, guys, go gaga for the scent too. I don't know why I haven't bought it,

but I'm sticking to my Paris scent. I think someone's banging on my door or maybe it's Andrew doing a workout upstairs. He's probably banging on your door to let you know he has a story in his news segment coming up about smells. Isn't that so funny? Oh my god, no way. That's so

not ironic but coincidental. Kismet, I don't know if it's that. I want to just say though that one of my listeners and one of my new best friends, I have a lot of best friends Noah, you're one of them. Andrew's one of them. People always go, you. I have a lot of best friends, Noah. You're one of them. Andrew's one of them.

People always go, you can't have a bunch of best friends. The word best makes that impossible to have multiples. But I do. I have top shelf best friends. And I add new ones to it all the time. And you can be taken off the shelf, but it's rare that that happens. And I might not talk to you for a couple months or maybe even years, but you're still up there. Wherever we talk, we can get right back at it. And it happens instantly, almost instantly when I meet someone. When I met Andrew, it was within a couple minutes that he told me

that he got an AIDS test before he ever had sex because he fingered a girl and he bites his fingernails. And that to me, someone who was that honest right out of the gate, I was just like, I need you in my life. Like that's what I need. And, um, and I'll extend that to so many people I've met on this show, the secret show that I can't talk about yet. I am having the time of my life. I've made so many friendships that maybe I'm delusional. and I think that they'll continue into the future after we wrap here on the Cayman Islands. Um, because there are a lot of people on this show that do these things all the time where they go on location and they just work with

different people, you know, like four times a year they're on these big shows or movies and you like, it's like summer camp and then you all split up and you don't see each other maybe again until the next time or most likely for a couple years when you randomly get on the same show again and i don't i'm gonna try to keep up my friendships because i feel like i've made the best ones especially with my hair and makeup team and my wardrobe team um because they're constantly with me and one of them um i posted about on instagram uh robin diamond it is her birthday today she's my hair and makeup girl and she does both so well even though usually you're either good at one or the other even if

you do them both and she's just someone who's like so nice and kind and funny and just instantly I'm a little bit gay for her. I got to be honest. She's one of those people that exudes sexiness too. She makes me feel very comfortable. Last night, I was in shoes last night, these uncomfortable shoes that look so hot, like so worth it. I'm one of these women who doesn't really understand why girls wear heels until I put them on. And I'm like, okay, so hot. I was in them standing for three hours in place, one place, not walking around standing,

which is almost worse than walking three hours in these heels. Not to mention I had had two other shoots that day in different heels, but these heels were especially brutal. And my toes went numb. My toes are numb today, but this girl, when I finally was able to like relax a little bit, she was pulling my bunion and like torturing it, which is all I've ever wanted was someone to just twist it and yank it. And she loves feet. She likes the smell of feet. She's like a foot freak. I don't even get it. It's not even a sexual thing. She just loves feet. So I think I found my life partner. Um, it's her birthday today. She, uh, is very special to me. Shout out to her. I also am giving this as a present to her because I don't have time to go actually shop for a present

and I don't, there's no like stores in town that I know about. Like Cayman's don't have, she knows all the stores and what they have and if she wanted it, she would already have it. It's seriously, you're like in a resort here where it's like one shop um so i'm gonna write her a nice note that's what i usually do for my friends on their birthdays is i write them like a long letter telling them how i feel about them um but with that being said like i yesterday was really you know we're halfway through this show people are tired people are feeling stressed at times. People are feeling like, you know, like even though we're having the best time, I'm having the best time of my goddamn life. Like the best, this is the best time I've ever had. Last time I had this much

fun was dancing with the stars. Even though everyone knows that was a very tumultuous time for me. I still loved it so much. I love making a TV show in this intense, like bubble of a world. It's all I want to do in life. I truly love it. And, but it's tensions were, everyone was PMSing yesterday in my, in my little nest of women in my room. And so I had all of us join hands in a trust circle and it seemed stupid, but led us in a like a prayer including andrew too these women and then andrew about just how you know when we feel like when we're angry about feeling like we're people don't appreciate us or people are mad at us or i didn't do this thing and they think i did this thing and all this stuff it's like just know who you are know

your intentions you cannot control other people's please Please let it go. Don't try to change it. Don't try to correct people and let them know the real you. You know the real you. I know the real you. Let's just accept that in situations that are high stress, fault and tension is going to fall on other people because it's too hard to accept it yourself. So people who aren't working on themselves, it tends to go outward. Even people that are working on themselves, you blame other people, you know, it's like, fuck, my phone is broken. And you like throw it. And it's like, it's not about your phone. You know, like we all do this, but I just had a good, nice pep talk. And I mean, obviously I don't think it did anything, but it was just,

it's just so nice to be with a group of people that i've only known less than a month and we can all join hands and say i love you and like hug and kiss and um and then like just all go down on each other in a circle and i don't know why i keep saying that andrew wasn't there for that part um i can't wait to get andrew in here and talk to him he is rearing to go today we both are we missed this missed this so much. Noah, did you miss it? Of course I did. I was so confused about what day it was. I was just like lost. I was just, I felt like I was just spinning in a circle.

I can't believe people do weekly podcasts. Like I, I don't want that kind of podcast and I won't settle for that kind of podcast. I need a daily podcast and we're back today. It's Monday. Andrew Collin is coming up next. Can't wait. Stay here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt.

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Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions.

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Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Andrew Collin is here with us. Hey, Andrew. What's going on? Good morning. Good morning. How'd you sleep last night, buddy?

I've already talked to you this morning, but I did not ask you how you slept, even though I wanted to. I go, listen, save it for the bot. How'd you sleep? I slept well. It was one of those sleeps. It was a long day yesterday. I don't know if you spoke about it because I come in the dark. It was a long day. Long day.

And I always feel kind of. Yeah, Andrew's working on my show now. Yeah, so I help write for you, and then I also help bring you tea or coffee. Wrongly, too, I might add. How so? Incorrectly. How so? You gave me a black coffee yesterday with stevia

in it and i was just like no what the hell is this you okay first of all you you put stevia in everything everything how dare me go and make you a coffee stevia only in coffee with milk in it i would never have it with black with stevia stevia is a thing that is uh only it's the best like i don't want things sweetened that are just like watery and black coffee's watery so i need like a milk in it to make it sweetened otherwise i just want black coffee plain and simple i mean i obviously now you know now you sound like such a diva you know i'm trying to you know you sound like a diva people are gonna write people have written me and said You're really mean to Andrew

You don't know how much better I've gotten And A little of it is tongue in cheek But that's because I'm trying to Tell him with my tongue in my cheek To leave the room I chew my tongue in my cheek You chew your skin

Inside your mouth at all? No. Never once? No. That's all I do. I bite in there. I mean, unless I have like a loose piece and I try to grab it. But I mean, that hasn't happened for a while.

What are you chewing on? I don't know. I don't know what's inside my mouth, but I'm chewing it. You have a lot of habits like that. I've been biting my nails like crazy dude it's like and i'm trying to break you of it i don't i just don't know i don't know the approach noah i and the approach is i can handle it i'm a grown man i'm 40 you get i don't need to be told every time i'm biting my nails you don't but like my okay keep keep talking but it's your thing it's

your ocd thing with me you You put your things onto me. And so if I'm biting my nails... You're right. It's my thing that I don't... You know what? I'm trying to look out for you and I want you to look professional. This is not a man.

This picture... That photo is very embarrassing that you're showing Noah right now. Yes. This is what you look like when you do it, Andrew. You need to see it. It's like we need to know what it looks like. Sometimes we don't know what we look like when you do it, Andrew. You need to see it. It's like we need to know what it looks like. Sometimes we don't know what we look like when we're doing our anxious tick.

And I do it too, man. I just want you to not be chewing on your – it just gives – it makes – it gives – Okay, I'm not used to being in a professional setting, and I get it. If I'm chewing on my nails and I'm looking like I'm eating my hand. His whole hand is in his mouth Noah I mean did you see that picture Noah I don't understand if I'm chewing on my nails why my knuckles are also in

my mouth that's what I'm wondering it looks like you're trying to eat your entire it's so hard yesterday on so much anxiety just from seeing that I would you say I'm getting so much anxiety that's what I'm saying like it just I feel worried it projects someone that I know you aren't. I mean, I know we all struggle with anxiety,

but it's as if you're constantly telling everyone in the room that's with you that I don't feel like I belong here or I am nervous about this. You are someone who is so good at what you do. I want you to project an air of, I belong here and I'm supposed to be here and this isn't making me nervous. I'm good enough, you know? And I am asking you right now,

when you are biting your hand, do you want me to just go like gently, just like tap you and not make a big deal of it, but just go like that? No, I think I'm just in a situation where like I wasn't expecting to write on this show or be involved or be in some kind of, what's it called, a control room. So it's all very foreign to me. I'm not in the control room with you.

And so none of the times I've called you out have been in the control room. No, no, but I'm telling you why. That picture that we just saw was from the control room that was taken by one of the producers. The picture. Picture. one of the producers. The picture. Picture. Yes, the picture. Now I'm starting to bite my nails because I wonder where it's coming from.

Maybe someone correcting me saying picture. I know. I don't help. I'm very aware that I probably... You're like, don't bite your nails. Also, don't say picture like a fucking idiot. I'm sorry I criticized you so much. I really am just trying to...

No, I get it. I'm not... Correct the things in myself I don't like. I'm tongue-in you so much. I really am just trying to... No, I get it. I'm not... Correct the things in myself I don't like. I'm tongue-in-cheeking right now. But to a point. But no, no. My point is like... So I think I drink a lot of coffee to stay up

and I'm kind of... You know, I had something to complain about but it's like you asked how I slept. I was very tired but I don't want to say I'm tired because you're working a thousand times harder than me on this show, but you're also time might be going faster for you because you're doing

something. There is something to like waiting on someone else to be performing on camera where it's like, what do I do? Like with my crazy brain that just needs to like do something. So then I just start biting my nails and a controller. Let's get you something else. I really think maybe a fidget spinner,

just some kind of ball. Like when you had that stress ball for a while, you were just really eating that. I started biting it. Yeah. God damn it. I knew you were going to beat me to it. So I just cut to the,

I was going to have a little bit of a longer intro to that joke, but I knew you were on it. So I was like, I got to get it out. Oh man. No, but you really um i remember i'm gonna get you something i'm gonna look into this because i do not think you should

be chewing your nails down anymore because it leads it's just it's not nice to your nails i want you to be nice to your body i do the same thing like you saw me picking my um i had a dry elbow and it had like skin on it that was just so satisfying to pick off and andrew was like stop and i was like and i said to him andrew i'm not done and i will let you know when i'm done and i was able to you can say that to me too about your nails like i want this piece of skin i need to get it i understand that urgency everyone listening understands the urgency to like finish your anxiety uh you know i mean I wonder when biting my nails started. Like everyone I'm sure has like a start point.

It's probably like my parents' divorce or whatever. And it's a weird thing. Like we're animals. Are they not divorced yet? When are you going to be done? Has the divorce not finalized? When they start to get along finally again. When they get back together.

Oh my God. I'll stop biting my nails. In the ground? There's a strong chance but i uh jesus i mean there is a strong chance because everyone dies yeah everyone does die but sooner than like but anyway so yeah so uh it just shows that we're like fucking and like i'm a human being i should be able to go don't eat your own like a dog yeah when you do it you really don't know that you're doing it like every time i catch you you like but i but i relate to that so much

there's so many nerve attacks i used to pick my skin on my face like i had open sore on my face and i would bleed i would go on stage i couldn't help myself i would be in the wings when you go on stage and there would be a piece of skin on like a scab because I used to have terrible skin because I wasn't eating enough and I was just it was and I would pick it and it would start bleeding and I would have blood gushing out of my face as I walked on stage it was like hey everyone like I

understand picking and there are a lot of listeners out there who have either trichotillomania which is where you pull out your hair or you you pick what is that a wrestling match yeah trich till the mania um i don't even know anything about wrestling but make a joke about yeah i know i wanted to make like an extended joke about it i know i was trying to think i was trying to think of like you know it's not real whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's all it's all set up yeah i mean we have

no free will so you're just picking your face you don't have i mean i was i used to pick my face i you know i have tons of when i i chug things out of anxiety i eat fast out of anxiety if i was if i saw a videotape of myself I mean sometimes I'm on set Like on camera And like when I do To Tell the Truth That show on ABC There will be times I'm watching it And I'm like Glazer you're on TV

Like my face will drop There will be this like naturalness That comes out where I'm like You forget you're on TV And you're doing something That's like a nervous thing Where I'm like either talking to myself Or like my eyes are darting around

And it's like we all do these things That if we saw we'd be like nervous thing where I'm like either talking to myself or like my eyes are darting around. And it's like, we all do these things that if we saw, we'd be like, Oh my God, I look like that when I'm doing that. So I just, I just don't want you to have to gnaw on your skin. No,

I'm going to try not to gnaw. Look, the first time we met, if I never gnawed, I wouldn't be here today. Cause I gnawed when I was 15 and I fingered girl, and I thought I got AIDS from it, so I got an AIDS test. I just told that story.

Yep. Yep. So I guess- That's so true. In a way, if I never gnawed, I'd never be here. So there's a positive there. No. No.

Gnawlands. Gnawlands. How did you sleep in the last minute of this thing? Wait, so did you sleep well? I did sleep well, because I was very, I was exhausted. I'm also like, yeah, yeah, that's it. I did not,

I slept well when I finally got to sleep, but I just have so much adrenaline being here, just like making the show and meeting all these people and just like wanting to like, I don't sleep.

Sometimes I'm like, but there's better things to do. Like there's, there's hang, like it's better to hang out. And that may leads me to losing my voice because I'm just like, I just want to hang out and talk. And, but I love hearing that from you because you have said before, like, I just want to get back to my sleep because what's happening in my sleep is more exciting than what's happening in my life. For me is like a, what I do when I'm depressed.

I just want to go back into that world. Thanks for pointing that out. That's a really good point. Like my life now is better than you really do because that's an interesting thing. When I'm depressed, all I want to do is sleep because it's an escape from the hell that is waking hours of wanting to die every second or like wanting or of being,

feeling not good enough and just not being able to escape it and wanting to die every second or like wanting or of being feeling not good enough and just not being able to escape it and wanting to have something like being able to chew off my hand that could soothe me and I just don't have that anymore because my skin is so perfect so there's like nothing to pick just kidding I got a zit yesterday I thought yeah what you thought

what you thought it was a cold sore no look at that that's a zit and I got it i get it shut up yesterday my makeup artist in front of everyone i go i got i got my first blemish everyone i was making a joke and she goes oh it's herpes she's like nick it's definitely herpes she was joking but she's like didn't have a tone of joking and i go can you please like say that's a joke because i don't first of all there's nothing wrong with having herpes, but I do not have it.

And I probably have some version of it. Cause I think I've had a cold sore when I was like, you know, 15 years ago, I think I had one after you sucked that guy's dick. No, I mean, I guess I had sucked dicks before,

but like I don't, I've never had a herpes outbreak, but that being said, probably going to get it eventually. Not scared of it. Whatever. If you have it, no, no, no judgment. If I did have herpes outbreak but that being said probably gonna get it eventually not scared of it whatever if you have it no no no uh judgment if i did have herpes i honestly would probably talk about and be like i'm having a herpes outbreak i literally don't judge that but it wasn't and so i was like

can you please because i'm trying to you know get laid yeah so i don't want her screaming to the entire crew and cat everyone that you know i havepes, even if it's as a joke. Because jokes, we all know, come from a place. Of lies. Yeah, exactly. Trigger mania. Trigger mania. Tickle mania.

Tickle me, Elmo. Triggered mania. All right, let's get to the news. Let's do it. Are you ready for it? Yeah. I'm ready. You heard it here first. You Let's do it. Are you ready for it? Yeah. I'm ready. You heard it here first.

You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. What are the headlines this morning? Oh, man. We got some great headlines. Yeah. I'd love to share them with you if I could just pull them up real quick. You know, I used to go through the headlines that we'd compile and think about and pick out the ones I wanted. And now I'm really enjoying

something that came from my laziness of not wanting, not having time to look them over and just allowing you to pick them has now led to, it's more fun for me to like find out stuff. And I do read so much news that most of the time I know the story. Also, there's such a relief to hearing you say that because a lot of times i'm afraid that i'm picking the wrong thing because you are usually so um specific and particular what you like to the point where it it it can be paralyzing for me just uh gnaw on that hand and get through it let's do it i have nothing to gnaw left okay hand and get through it. Let's do it. I have nothing to gnaw left. Okay, well. He is literally holding up his phone with two stomps,

bleeding stomps. Dude, Noah's thinking. What if you literally lost both of your arms in some kind of horrific car accident? What would you start chewing on? Toes? I'm not flexible enough. I have chewed on my toes before when I was a kid.

I bit my big... I love your honesty, Andrew. Thank you so much for always being you. But I did. You're welcome. But it doesn't bring me to happiness. I think my feet are just too far away from my brain. And it doesn't connect like my hands.

They're too hard to get to. I get it. I mean, it's wild to bite your toes. I'll compare it to being on top during sex. I can't enjoy it as much because I'm doing too much work. Whereas your hand is right there. It's like being on bottom

and you can just get it easier and you can enjoy the taste of your hand better than you can enjoy the taste of your foot because if you're eating your foot, you're straining muscles that take a lot of a lot of effort for sure especially with my hips yeah um so okay so let's get into the news the first story here i hope first of all i hope everyone's having a great time out there god okay this this i did this you trying to win them over before you do news which is not even like what are you trying to what i hope everyone's having swells

swells what does that mean swell time oh my god i hope you guys haven't swelled i have swells out there boys and girls and uh yeah so the study finds that smelling like an old person is a thing and has nothing to do with your hygiene that isn't that reassuring for you to know well it's funny because it starts at 40 that's what this study says that you have um okay i mean i thought it was mothballs i thought old people just love mothballs what are mothballs i never looked into this prevent moths from eating your clothing i guess they'd um make moths like sickened and so they you put them in your is this like an 18 this i know it feels like a like great depression like pest situation yeah who's dealing with moths i don't i don't know but um yeah that's that's so true i i don't know

all right so let me tell you a little bit about the smell thing. The change in smell can be because of a chemical compound called 2-non-enol. Well, I don't like that last part. Yeah. There goes your... Because as a lady who likes a little anal, I don't want to hear about non-enol. 2-non-enol isn't water-soluble, so it can't be scrubbed off the skin when you wash. It's caused by omega-7 fatty acids. Can it be bitten off the skin as you gnaw?

Look, I try. My hands don't smell, but the rest of my body sure does. It's caused by omega-7. I didn't even know it went up to seven. I love how people smell. I do, too. It reminds me of my grandma and her rubbing my back

and laying on her lap and her drawing animals on my back and me trying to guess what the animal is. Dude, I have the same memory of my grandpa. He used to blow me. Oh my God. But he smells like the top of his head smells so good. You had to guess what kind of animal he was blowing you as.

It was always a giraffe. He was taller than me. Deep throat. He definitely didn't need all that neck. No, it was a short-necked giraffe. A short-necked giraffe wouldn't even choke on my dick. That'd be so funny as a little child. You're like, is it a short-necked giraffe?

He's like, you got it right, Andrew. I was like, Grandpa Marvin, you're the best. I short night you're right he's like you got it right andrew i'm so sorry to your grandpa he's probably rolling in his fucking in the deep oh um omega-7 fat did you know it even goes up to seven fatty acids breaking out on the skin due to oxygen oh wow that's a word don't even don't even we don I'm skipping over it. I'm skipping over that sentence too. There's a lot of sentences I can't. So what I'm learning is that this- My dad's a doctor and I can say huge words. I can't say any of these words.

So yeah, so your skin essentially has breaking down and you can't do anything about it. I get it, so it's just an unavoidable smell, the old person smell. I just, I don't mind it. You know, like the things that happen when you get older i just i don't mind it you know like the things that happen when you get older when you really get older you know like i i was the huge talking point of my next special is going to be aging as a woman and how like being uh unfuckable is an

inevitability if you live long enough there And there are lots of inevitabilities. Everyone's trying to always, women especially are trying to stay like attractive to men to like, because men rule the world and them wanting to fuck you gives you more power and freedom and safety and all the things that we want as women. At least that's how I see it.

And so women want to stay attractive to get love. But it's inevitable. You're going, if you live to be 90 and but it's inevitable you're going if you live to be 90 there's no way you're going to be 90 and be hot so tell that to my grandma shirley who's fucking all the time it doesn't mean you're not gonna fuck but it just means that like most men will not desire your body your expectations have to be different the older you get you and and the thing is it just seems to be that way. There are so few women that are elderly

that you think are trying to be someone other than themselves. You just accept it eventually, which is such a godsend. As you do your weird old woman smell. And by the way, if you want to avoid that old woman smell, I found the perfume that I was talking about, and it's called Electrify by Paris Hilton. It's my favorite scent. It's the only one I wear.

I thought it was called Objectify, which I think is going to be my scent when I finally release one. But it's called Electrify by Paris Hilton, just to follow up on that. Next story. It is interesting, just to go back to that point, like when my mom got divorced from my dad

and she was like 50, if you're like in kind of a smallish town, the only guys you can date are like 75. That would date a 50-year-old at this point. As a 36-year-old, my pool also is like a decade older than me. It's just the way it is. It just becomes that. I mean, you're dating a girl who's a decade younger than you.

Decade and a half younger than you. Yeah, and I mean, my pool is only getting bigger, though, for some reason. I don't know what's going on. A TikTok couple gives a new meaning to puppy love. Jenna Phillips... What does that mean? Your pool's only getting bigger? Jenna Phillips is a puppy impersonator

with over 100,000 TikTok followers. Her boyfriend, Lorenzo, accepts her love language of being a puppy and loving praise in this way. She loves to hear you're a good girl and good job. The 21-year-old has turned pretending to be a puppy into her main source of income through OnlyFans and quit her career as an optician. Okay. I love this story.

Girl, do you. Do you. I love a girl that, okay, I'm seeing a video of it right now noah please play it hold on my app is up one second do you think this sets back this is very hot does this set back women though at all no no it actually empowers them she's just she's being weird and she's doing what she likes to do he's putting a chain around her neck she is sitting in a dog bed uh talking she's very beautiful and now she's doing an interview from her dog bed in her cage listen women love this stuff i i in particular a lot

of the porn i watch is women in cages with leashes on like exactly this there's nothing different about this except that he's actually she's like maybe barking and stuff but i really like men and and good girl i mean carla for Forster, who I named dropped before, she gave me a joke because we always talk about how, when guys say good girl in bed, which men, if you're listening and a girl does something that's, I mean,

I'm literally getting around right now thinking about a guy saying good girl after you do something whorish. It's the hottest thing ever. I can't, I spelled, I spelled a Zevia on it. and so I'm sitting on a towel already. That's what it is. Yeah, right. But yeah,

Carlisle said one time she was walking down the street and she saw a guy walking his dog and after the dog took a shit, he said, good girl, and she literally got aroused and it was so funny that it's a line in my act now. She gave that joke to me because that's exactly it. I mean, that's just taking the stuff I'm already into to the next level.

And I don't want to be treated like a dog, but I do like being kind of like, I think the slave kink is very hot and I'm not opposed to it. I think owning anything, like she owns the fact that she's a puppy. She's not like half-assing, she's a puppy she's not like half assing she's a puff yeah but like but there's there's power in being submissive i guess i wonder if she pees like a male dog or a female dog like does she lift her leg or does she do the female squat yeah um i i haven't looked into it i'm sure that's probably behind the paywall what would you think if a girl you were dating was into something like this i mean i did hook up with that girl from craigslist that act as a cat oh my god

that is so pertinent to this conversation please share that well i met a girl of craigslist this is kind of before tinder so i didn't have many my pool was uh small yeah that pool you keep talking about yeah so it was a smaller pool um and i uh i met her in like the casual encounters area i didn't know what she looked like i showed up and when i opened the door she was dressed as a cat did she warn you that that was going to be the case i had no idea did you see a picture of her before huh did you see a picture of her before no i went in blind what i was wild i should have just jerked off i was so horny it was a low point in my life i just lost all my money i was just very sad yeah so i went to look for love in all the wrong places

and i went in and she was crawling she was on her knees already and um she was did you laugh did you go what is this i mean like what is um i don't know i just i wanted to leave but you know it was uh i wanted to be nice too in a way i don't it's weird okay so did you have sex with her she just blew me and when i went to um touch her cat uh vagina she pussy pussy her pussy pussy she said wow no you know she did it uh No, no, but she was, she didn't let me finger. You didn't go,

why are you wearing cat ears and acting like a cat? You didn't like ask that. No, I can. There's so much more to unpack here, but we've got to keep going. Okay. I am fascinated by casual encounters when people just hook up the hookup culture.

I've never done it where like you meet someone online, you show up. I'm fascinated by like when you open the door, do you go, do you just start making out or do you like pretend to have by when you open the door, do you just start making out, or do you pretend to have small talk? Do you pet her for a little bit? Do you scratch behind her ears?

Do you have to coax her? Do you get some catnip? Well, we played with a laser pointer for a while. Okay, that's fun. Yeah, she was having fun with that. You always bring that anyway. Yeah, that's true. To point out their flaw areas before you bang them.

Look, someone's got to. Yeah, I mean, you're honest. No, the thing is, is like, I'm not, it sucks when someone's like, oh, I overdose from cocaine. And then they're like, well, no, I don't do coke that much. But like, I didn't find myself fucking a cat ever in my life. Like it was like a, it was a very. It was a bottom.

Yeah. You've done things for sex that are wild and i think you maybe have a compulsive sex urge sometimes to quell your anxieties when yes sure and so but i guess when i came very relatable the girl started talking about real estate after but she was still dressed as a cat yeah she's looking for a new scratching post but i was in real estate then yeah and so she was like so you do real estate and i was like you're you're a cat like i'm not right i can't do deals with a cat um i know how you don't like cats we have a stray cat on the island outside in our complex. Because it reminds me of real estate. Reminds you of... Well, this cat comes into our apartment sometimes

and Andrew freaks out and it's so gentle. I just don't even understand your fear of it. But now it all makes sense. Next story. You would think it's feral. I mean, the cat has the eyes of the devil. Right. Alright, next story. I hope everyone's still doing great. Oh, wait. We have to get to why

do i care oh why do i care why do you care nikki wait let's listen to the new stinger oh why do i care why do i care andrew what's the story for why do i care there's a good one we're gonna figure out if you do or not but lady gaga's boyfriend michael polanski apparently sent her all the flowers in Rome for her 35th birthday. That seems like it will impact climate change. He uprooted every flower? Yeah, every single flower in Rome.

Oh, so he sent her a giant basket of flowers. Okay, that was a joke. I thought he literally tried to get all the flowers. I mean, the basket's gigantic. She's hugging a giant basket of flowers. There's a picture of her. Her basket's gigantic. She's hugging a giant basket of flowers. There's a picture of her. Her butt looks amazing. That's how she described it on Instagram.

Oh, got it. Okay, thank you for clarifying that, Andrew. Do a better job. Next time. So she's hugging this thing of flowers. She has a great butt. I'll tell you that. I did research on this guy, by the way.

Yeah? And it made me think of you and what you're looking for in a lover slash boyfriend. What am I? Tell me what I'm looking for. Slash dog owner. This guy. Yes, you did. Who's a good girl?

Oh, sit. Who's a good girl? Come. Suck my penis. Just, yeah. Dog. The only trick I know is come. Yeah.

Come by yourself with five different apparatuses. Good girl. So Michael Polanski works with Sean Parker, who's from Facebook. The guy from Napster, remember him? Uh-huh. Yeah. The one where Justin Timberlake plays him in a social network. And he sits across the table and he says What's the quote from that trailer

Something about like You know what's cool A million dollars That's cool You know what's cooler A billion dollars A hundred billion dollars By the way

Shout out to anyone who used to listen to my old podcast k is bringing we're bringing back k for those of you don't know k is when something when someone does something to be cool and they're trying to be cool you say very judgmentally okay so go on so michael balansky works with Sean Parker. He runs the Cancer Research Charity. So he gets paid millions of dollars to run a charity. He's graduated from Harvard. So he's very smart. He's outside the entertainment business.

However, he's very rich. That's what I'm looking for? What are you talking about? No, I'm saying, though. That's what you want me to do. Can I finish? Sure. He's on Instagram, and he only has two pictures up

and they're both of his nieces. That's it. He never gets tagged in photos. He doesn't care about celebrity. Yeah, and she fell for him, but he has a lot of money. And he cares about her and he does everything for her, like taking all the flowers out. So now all the bees are dead in Rome.

Yeah. Okay, I hear you i don't know that i want uh i do want uh all the last parts of the thing he cares about her and all that stuff but um and the rich part i don't need that but the rich you know i do want a bunker though but the rich part can't afford a bunker yet the rich part then they're not he's on your level he doesn't care about your money he doesn't care about your money he doesn't care about your success yeah i mean i want a guy who's not like broke but like yeah if i if i since the guy was with me and i was paying for a lot of stuff i would not they would not work

there's just no way that would even get in i've never had i've never been with someone who was mooching off me until now with you i'm just kidding you going to be richer than me someday. I just know it. Oh, God. He's chewing his hand. Yeah, I mean, like, I remember watching the documentary. What was the one that everyone watched over quarantine about? Tiger King? The Social Dilemma.

Oh. And there were all these guys that were like uh you know whistleblowers for these social media companies about how they're you know harvesting our data and using it against us and i forget which friend i had she goes i could totally see you with oh saralina she goes nikki i was watching that because i was like i was looking up these guys to see if they were single because some of them were like so hot and they're like just so brave but also like so rich and um it's easy to be brave when you're rich yeah but well not no because a lot of these guys threw their uh high-paying jobs under the bus and there are so many guys that are so rich that never never call out the bad behaviors that they are witnessing

every day to get rich because greed is so insatiable and it's never enough. Billionaires, I'm serious, money is an addiction and these guys that put it all on the line to be a whistleblower are so hot. So my friend goes, oh my God, I could totally see you with a tech whistleblower. And I love that that was like a new category of men. So if any of you guys are out there yeah by whistleblowers i mean lifeguards or referees i just watched a ted talk with a referee if you if you were a referee that was witnessing behavior and corruption and you called it out you'd be a whistleblowing whistleblower that's fucking deep deep man all right let's you just blew my mind i mean i the the lady gaga thing i guess it did matter to me because you're saying that she is finally like she met a guy that has

nothing to do with the business and nothing to do with the business uh helps cancer patients is what you're saying i mean i don't compete like that i don't do that matt james who still has not looked at or responded to my dm definitely has seen that he received one so he's not interested and um and that's okay with me can you blame him no i cannot i'm wearing a shirt that say bras suck and i'm wearing a bra with it that i know i I'm not going to lie. I went to see if you had a bra on because of the shirt because it's a see-through shirt. It's a great shirt I got from Balesa. Balesa

is a porn site that I love. It's like the Netflix of porn. They sent me a bunch of vibrators and also a shirt that says bras suck and I love it. All right. let's move on we're going on dale it's time to introduce a new segment on the nikki glazer podcast

this one is called yesterday i learned uh that is a uh common reddit i guess i first saw it on reddit but there's a great subreddit called yesterday i learned that just presents like information that you can't believe you went your whole life without knowing or something very interesting that was like sitting right in front of you the whole time. And, um, it's just worth noting.

Um, so let me say that this wasn't yesterday exactly, but on, I believe Friday night I watched, uh, the first 25 to 30 minutes of the new Netflix documentary, Seaspiracy. Number one, everyone's saying, why wasn't it called Conspiracy with S-E-A at the end? And it's because my friend told me that the either producers or the creator said that if I name it Conspiracy with S-E-A,

when I say conspiracy, I always have to say it conspiracy with S-E-A, when I say conspiracy, I always have to say conspiracy S-E-A. Because when you say it, it does it. So everyone's going like, why would they name it C-spiracy, which is terrible, is a bad name. So it's C-spiracy. I watched it. I didn't want to, but it's one of those documentaries that's like, someone goes, I said something about it on Instagram or whatever and they go why are you watching that if you already are vegan like it's just just to reaffirm and I'm like because it's teaching me new information to further enforce my like once you're Christian do you stop going to church because you get it like you got to learn and that's a bad example obviously but or maybe not but like you just you want more knowledge about the things you

already believe in so i may i learned a lot and i had to turn it off i mean no have you seen it i don't even know what it's about can i just tell you what i found out because because a lot of people won't be able to watch this because it really is so upsetting um this guy goes uh becomes obsessed with like the fact that there's so much plastic in the sea first of all there's more microplastics in the sea than there are stars in the milky way at this point and microplastics are what the microscopic uh plastic pieces that probably more milky way wrappers in this yes that was solid that was a nice piece of work. Appreciate it.

So, I learned that all these animals are dying with just tons of plastic in them. It's just disgusting and so upsetting and I've contributed to it myself by consuming plastic. It's just not good. So, it goes into this. So, let me just get through it.

The peaceable who have seen Seaspiracy, you can fast forward this part because you get it. And I've only seen the first half hour. So what I found out is this guy goes to investigate why whaling has now become, like whaling became globally illegal and banned in 1986. Everyone was about saving the whales. Then people just started, namely the Japanese,

started just secretly doing it. Secretly with SEA? Secretly. Yeah. No, actually, that one's secretly C. Oh, so annoying. Because there is a C at the end. No wonder why no one cared.

They started doing it, and it's just more interesting than you think so this guy goes to this small town in japan where it's happening where every year where every i don't know how often but they corral hundreds of dolphins into this cove type area and they murder all these dolphins and it's just like why are they doing this? There's no dolphin meat industry. There's no reason to kill these dolphins. So here's what happens. First of all, they kidnap baby dolphins. They're kidnapping baby dolphins because they go for $100,000 on the black market to sell to disgusting aquariums in the US and worldwide. Never, ever visit places that have dolphin or whale shows. I know that it's something that

our culture has embraced. Even I wanted to be a SeaWorld trainer when I was a kid. Me too. It is not good. I'm not kidding. I really did. And I know these people care for animals, but it's contributing to, you know, it's like saying I eat free-range hens. Okay, I know you do, but you are

projecting something that other people who aren't going to go as far as getting free range hens are still going to just get regular eggs. So whatever. So just don't support these places, you guys. So they steal these baby dolphins when they crawl, and then they murder all the dolphins that they don't want to steal. And they go, why are they murdering the dolphins? What is the point of murdering these dolphins? And it's because of bluefin tuna, the most pricey fish on the market, which they also fish. These Japanese fishermen are also overfishing. And so they murder the dolphins so that they can then

overfish and blame the, uh, the blame the dolphins for eating their fish that they're actually fishing. So they murder the, they overfish and the amount of fish that they take out of the ocean, they blame half of that or however much on the dolphins that they're murdering. So they see the dolphins are competition for, and they're a scapegoat for them to overfish this already endangered species. So please for the love of God stop eating bluefin tuna or any tuna. Please, I beg of you, I beg of you

stop eating this tuna at sushi restaurants. That is the most expensive thing on the menu that you're just ordering so the girl you're with can fuck you later because she thinks you're so impressive because you're ordering a $29 roll. Okay, please don't order it. Yeah, order a Blue Label Scotch instead.

It does the same thing. No one's hurting anyone with that. But I mean, this is such, it didn't get any further because it just kept opening up new things that were just so awful. Like seeing these gentle creatures who are capable of so much,

it just is, it's so hard to see them stabbed and murdered. And these boats come in and they make a bunch of noise so that the dolphins all have to like corral. It's just disgusting practices, which most of the animal, you know, husbandry industry is sorry to farmers who do it. Right.

I know you're out there, but I, you know, it, most of it is not good. And, um, and yeah,

it's just like very, very upsetting. And that's what I learned. And I also learned last week when we went to stingray city, which is a popular Caymanian, uh, destination tourist trap stingray city, all the tourists dropped off. So these stingrays were getting fed so much and relying on these people for food. Then the stingrays started starving because the in back in last March, now they go out there just to feed them. We got to go out there because we're here on the Island and we saw the stingrays it was so much fun talk about it later but i learned that scallops are often stingray wings that are hole punched

just stingrays are hole punched so when you eat scallops a lot of times you're not even eating scallops and uh just the the food industry is a goddamn lie and i i consume things that are not good for this planet. I am not a saint here, but I really recommend watching 25 Minutes of Seaspiracy to just start thinking about it. Ooh, that was a lot. I just want people to know. No, I know. I just, I didn't, yeah, I mean, yeah,

I love dolphins so much and they fuck for pleasure. I think they also rape. That's the thing about them. Yeah. Now that you say that, fuck them. All right. Maybe don't watch it for the final thought,

Andrew, let's get back to this kitty cat thing. Casual encounters, Tinder hookups. I know many of our listeners know the answer to this and this doesn't seem to confound people the way it does me. But when you're meeting up with someone just to have sex and maybe you both know that but you haven't talked about it how does it go where it's just about sex like a girl comes over i haven't

had many of those well maybe not like an instagram girl who's like you know this is going to be you've had hookups yeah come over and you know sex is on the table like i hooked up with a girl in austin texas where she brought over whiskey and a monster because i told her i didn't drink and we sat down we started we had a small talk i sat on the bed she sat on the chair by the desk we talked about uh i don't everything like oh wow i came to your show last night it was so fun you were great i really you know uh and i'm like oh what do you do and and she's like oh they say anything about me i mean i was on the show too i feel like you just skipped over that part yeah no we get to that deer into sex and then like she said something to me where she was like

like in this instance she's like well i have yoga in yoga in an hour. So, like, I don't really want to talk to you. Like, I want to start having sex. Like, she kind of put a time limit on it. Okay, so then what happens? And I go, okay, well, I guess we should get to it. She's like, yeah. And so then she starts drinking. She has, like, a sip of the whiskey.

And then I have a sip of my Monster. And I don't even like Monster that much. And then we just start having sex. Wait, no. You can't just started having sex and then she never went you can't just start having sex is there a kiss first does she come on to you do you go over to her like what is the I want to know the first

she came and sat by the bed and then yeah you just leaned in for a kiss or like did you start touching each other first like what is the I think there's a little bit of touching on the legs and then she's like she's like alright come on I gotta get to yoga like essentially like she like pushed and i was like okay and uh it was daytime sex so that was different but yeah and then you just get to kissing

and you don't even think and it's like two consenting adults just having a good time where it's just like it's not even like a big thing it's not it's just like a transactional thing i always whenever i have a hookup or like are about that moment of like when we're gonna get to it it's just that's what's so interesting to me is like who takes the first move of like and i usually am the one to be like do you want to like kiss me like i i just gotta say i just want to get to it like i just i just want to give either permission or i guess when you're meeting up with someone and it's already kind of understood that you're gonna get right to fucking it takes all that like stupid guesswork out of it where it's like works the hot no that guesswork's so annoying it's like let's just like be like adults and

have sex like dolphins where they're just like and i'm like honestly every single time well every single time well every single time i've never been in a scenario where it's like we're meeting up to have sex unless it's someone i've already had sex with so that's you know not the scenario but like if someone knew and it's like we haven't decided that that's the vibe yet i always have to like call it out like very specifically like either i like you or will you kiss me like you know i used to have the old line of like we'd be hanging out like a guy that just thinks he's being friend zoned or whatever and i'm like oh my god i forgot to tell you something and he's like what i'm like i like you

and then it just like makes it funny and kind of cuts through i like bluntness like be blunt like yeah i i don't like this whole thing of like, oh, she said she liked my shirt. No, but you know what's so hot is that touch, you know, when you're like you like someone and you don't know if they like you. So, I mean, I've talked about this extensively, but the guys, the best way to know if a girl would like to be kissed and is OK to maybe be asked to be kissed and likes you romantically is if you gently put your arm next to hers or like a part of your body that can be a flush surface not just one little point but like at least like a two inch area of like like arm or leg and you make it so like a piece of paper could maybe even fit between your where your skin is touching like but it is touching like it but you could easily slide through like barely touching and if the girl doesn't move it she likes you if she keeps it there and you're both like very aware

it's touching if she leaves it there that means she likes you if she moves it it's the best way to get that confirmation because you lose nothing because it's such an innocuous touch that her rejection won't make you feel like oh my god i just came on to her but it is an answer of like she's not ready yet and if she keeps it there and doesn't move and makes a point not to move then it's it's a good sign you know what's also cool when she looks at you and go i want to fuck you dude because i got yoga in an hour i think i mean that is really hot too but i i think it's just i that's not the kind of sex i have and i like uh more you know i just like i like that uh tension and and people sent me such great ideas for um sexual tension clips keep your arm next to my arm where we touch arms until it gets weird this i feel comfortable

with you because we're such good friends like you couldn't look at me in the eyes the other day like well i mean what about touching my arms is different i don't like eye contact with my friends but touching my friends like i can touch you like i used to not want to because it wasn't our friendship wasn't as solid and it was still like sometimes i'll touch you on the shoulder and you go don't do that and i'm like well i'm your friend like i'm not trying that was the old me now i'm very comfortable like touching you and like three days ago i'm not joking you i it's been within the last three days that i like i'm fully embraced it cool that feels sexual he just touched my shoulder i don't like it this whole podcast is me just testing you to be like come on just put my dick in your

mouth and just friends no the last the last time I had a hookup, like a first-time hookup, it started with me going, do you want to hold my hand? Like that innocent. It was so good. And it was just like, that's admitting I want to be close to you

without taking it too far. And it's just like a that's admitting like i want to be close to you um without taking it too far and it's just it's like you're trying to like relive your past of like and i didn't have any hookups in middle school and high school and so from whether or not i'm reliving it i think that's when love and romance is so thrilling and so intoxicating and so there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel like a teenager again no not at all i mean yeah hold hands and uh dry hump and dry hump and then have sex with one of your and then write in your diary and your mom reads it and grounds you yeah well my mom never read my diary i would like literally leave my diaries open so my mom could like read them and be like nick are you struggling with this thing but she respected my privacy too much and would never leave it i'd like leave it open on her bed and she'd be like, Nick, are you struggling with this thing? But she respected my privacy too much.

I would never leave it. I'd like leave it open on her bed. And she'd be like, I never read your diaries when I was cleaning your room. So I'd be like, that's all I wanted you to do, mom. All right,

guys, we got to go. Thank you so much for listening today. We'll be back tomorrow. Um, hopefully my voice will be a little bit better. No, I like didn't bother you today.

Very raspy. It's very, um, smell like cat. What are they feeding you? Remember when Phoebe on friends, her voice got, she got a cold and better. No, I like this voice. It didn't bother you today? It's very raspy. Smelly cat? Smelly cat? What are they feeding you? Remember when Phoebe on Friends, her voice got, she got a cold

and she was like, she liked her voice better? Oh, no, but you sound like Tom Watts. Waits? Watts. Tom Watts? Waits.

Waiting. That is, you just said it sounded good and then you, was that a joke? No, I like Tom Waits' voice. That is the most insult. He's like,

like, like, like, he's a, yeah, you're a little rasp Waits' voice. That is the most insult. He's like, like, he's a grump. Yeah, you're a little raspier. All right. We'll see you tomorrow. What was the thing we said before? Swells.

Swells, baby. I haven't swelled. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the

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this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts people my people what's up this is Quartz Love man I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet,

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