The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #503 Clearing Up Rumors, The Middle & Brian At A Women's Book Event

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

St. Louis is freezing, and Nikki's over the idea of her delivery people having to ride a bike. She’s got a theory about Melania’s hat, by the way. Also, she’s clearing up some plastic surgery rumors and swears she’ll always be transparent about what she's had done. Since the Globes, Nikki’s been in a bit of a funk and misses doing joke-writing work. She’s reading a third of Anatomy of a Breakthrough and hoping that it helps. Nikki and Brian question people who don’t get sarcasm. Let’s root for the Bills to make it to the Super Bowl and win, just for Nikki’s friend’s sake. Nikki is so done apologizing for looking like a hot mess at Starbucks—time to clean up her look. Oh, and neighbors? Back off, please. Brian went to this women’s bookstore event and, no joke, was the center of attention. In the Final Thought, Nikki shares some movie recs, and they swap hilarious flirting stories. Subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts to get this episode ad-free, and get exclusive bonus content: https://apple.co/nikkiglaserpodcast    Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram: @NikkiGlaserPod Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm Arturo Castro, and I've been lucky enough to do stuff like Broad City and Narcos and Roadhouse. And now I'm starting a podcast because honestly, guys, I don't feel the space is crowded enough. Get Ready for Greatest Escapes, a new comedy podcast about the wildest true escape stories in history. Each week, I'll be sitting down with some of the most hilarious actors and writers and comedians, people like Ed Helms, Diane Guerrero, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I love storytelling and I love you, so I can't wait. Listen and subscribe to Greatest Escapes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics

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We all have a moment that splits us wide open. On my new podcast, Wide Open with Ashlyn Harris, I'll sit down with trailblazers from sports, music, fashion, entertainment, and politics to explore their toughest moments and the incredible comebacks that followed. Listen to Wide Open with Ashlyn Harris, an iHeart Women's Sports production

on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy, my doll.

He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nicky Glaser podcast here

with Noah and Brian on this beautiful Tuesday in January. You're listening on a Wednesday or whenever you're listening. Yeah. Is it Tuesday? You might be listening in a totally different month. Yeah, you might be like just going back through old ones in a different year. Yeah, it might be 2027.

What's it like? Is it still there? Are we still here? Are we alive? What would it be going through someone's life that they'd be jumping back like three years into the Nikki Glaser podcast? They're a completionist.

Oh yeah. And they wanna know everything. Maybe they're doing completionist. Oh yeah. And they want to know everything. Maybe they're doing a article about me, maybe something tragic happened to me and they're writing a biography and they want every little detail of my life and this would be a great way to chronicle it. Wow.

I um. So what do you want to say to that person? I just want to say stop looking. Um, I would say try to get your hands, please don't read any journals you find. I was in a crazy state when I was writing those and I tried to write in hieroglyphics as I wrote in a wingding way that you wouldn't be able to ever know. Seriously? Like I try to write so scribbly that not even I could, because it's not about having it

be legible, it's about just getting the thoughts on paper. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. You know, so I be legible. It's about just like getting the thoughts on paper in a, you know, so I try to make, yeah. I think Nikki killed herself because of bicycle bat wings. Yeah. That could be, I could see myself. Yeah, if we were all like, there was no more electricity or gas.

And so we all had to ride bikes and had like bat wings on them. I would literally, like, there was no more electricity or gas, and so we all had to ride bikes and had like bat wings on them. I would literally be like, I don't want to live anymore if I had to ride a bike. Oh, God. Same. Everywhere I go. Chris, this weekend, got Uber Eats, and we were really lazy. It's so cold in St. Louis.

It's like one degree. It's zero right now. It feels like negative eight. But, and it's been like this for days and days. And Chris got Uber Eats this weekend from a place that is like very close to us. It's kind of one of those like embarrassing ones. But you know, that's what you pay for. Like the convenience of it.

And they keep sending people on bikes. And they have to travel on bike friendly roads, which by the way, the city is not plowed at all. And there was a snowstorm here three weeks ago and it's still, and it hasn't melted. So it's just like, there are roads in the city that are just pure ice. And this girl at like one in the morning is going to pick up a pizza and she has to travel three miles on bike down like, like almost on highways. I'm not even joking you. And then she picks it up and then has to travel like a block to deliver it.

It was just, it's criminal. You should be able to choose, no, I don't want a bike messenger. I don't want to subject anyone to that. And then just like in LA, you can choose that you don't want the robot because sometimes I would have the robot deliver things. But you can choose that? How do you choose that? Yeah, you opt out. It says like, it's just a little box you can check of like opting out of automated delivery. They phrase it in a way that's not like, it's not like, I don't like robots because then they'll turn on you. It's like, I don't like, we appreciate everything robots do for us.

No, that'll be marked down and reviewed in the years to come. I mean, if you say something derogatory about robots now, you better watch out because in 15 years, you're going to be on a list. Think of all the times you screamed at your devices, screamed at Siri, screamed at GPS, screamed at, uh, you know, Alexa for like, being like, uh-huh, what could I do for you, Brian? And you're just like, shut up. I'm not talking to you. Like I, I hate when they try to offer help and I'm not, I'm so mean.

Oh, my anger comes out towards machines. There's a corollary to this. There was a time when in like the thirties when people were kind of just like talking about communism and it like wasn't a big deal. It was just like it was like a little offshoot of political speech. Yeah. And people would talk about it or they'd sign up for some list because of some newsletter. And then lo and behold, 15, 20 years later, the McCarthy trials happen and anyone who did anything

remotely related to communism was all of a sudden sent to jail. Yeah. If a girl just went to a communist party meeting to learn about communism or whatever, because she had a crush on a guy who was handing out flyers, she would then be part of... What would happen to you if you were in the like were you ex community where you tried right for a lot of people in hollywood they're ex communicated and tried business yeah from the business that they would they were not allowed to be in movies or make movies or write anything anymore and some people in extreme cases were actually imprisoned dear god yeah that's why everything i write about mr t you the other other Mr. T, is like, I'm

just sarcastic in all of it. I just go, cool, what a cool thing. This guy's cool. I just say everything positive so that I could always have the... Because sarcasm is, I mean, you got to see some of the... Okay, so on the internet, there is a lot of people that make jokes, right? Mm-hmm I I've been looking at these jokes and so many of the comments People are people that just don't understand sarcasm. I don't get it anymore. They don't get it No, so that's what you're doing is like saving you because they won't get it They don't get it and and the people that do get it, you know, like I'm not talking to anyone

I'm not changing anyone's mind by, you know, pointing out anything about him. So to the people who get it, like, it's just, it's nice. You know what? I'm not trying to change minds. I'm trying to show support for my people who might be out there feeling the same way. Like, it's not all about like, I'm using my platform to be like, I'm going to make a difference. I know I'm not.

I don't care. I'm not trying to get people to like suddenly wake up. It's too late for that. I'm just trying to give some empathy to people who might be feeling a certain way and like, oh, cool. Okay. Just rewinding all of the Paris agreement. Cool. What a cool move. The drill, baby drill. That's a really cool thing to scream into a microphone. That is so insane to me. That is a cool thing to, that's pretty fun though. Try it. I mean, drill baby drill. It is catchy.

Yeah. Yeah, so, and I'm also wearing sunglasses today on the podcast, because my eyes are just like puffing out in a way I don't like. And if Melania can wear- Having a freak off. A hat and look like a Dick Tracy villain at the inauguration, I can do this. I did call it out on my, on my, um,

I didn't call it out. It's just like, I don't even blame her. The woman has definitely had work done. No one can, would ever deny that. I don't think I'm sure they would. Um, she's, you know, drank a lot of water and gotten a lot of sleep lately, I guess, but she definitely, that hat was a choice made at the 11th hour because the swelling wouldn't go down. Wait, that was Melania?

Are you kidding me? I thought that was like a Despicable Me promo. I didn't realize. That hat was so hilarious. Man, integration's getting out of hand. It was definitely, so I put on my story, upper Bleth her heart because a Bleth heroplasty is called a Bleth and a Bleth heroplasty is an upper bleph, and a blepharoplasty is an upper eyelid job, or an upper blepharoplasty. And so I wrote upper blephar heart,

because those who know know, and if you don't know, I'd hope you Google it. My mom was like, I didn't know what that meant. And I'm like, so you just like were like, Nikki's stupid and just misspelled something? Like, just Google bleph, and then you'll know the joke. And she's like, I didn't think about it that much. And I don't blame her.

Anyway, so I just said, you know, obviously, Melania had an upper eye job, and it's not healed yet. Like, I'm going to get one. No shade. Literal shade. Because that's what covered her face. When you want your eyelids to be wider open, they stay after your muscles? Your eyelid skin is very thin, and it gets baggier faster than everything else.

And it starts to kind of hood. Yeah. And so they just remove like centimeters of skin so that your eyelids go back to not looking not like you. They look like the way the amount of skin you had before, you know, some people also just have really like they're the opening is not like can't stay open. It's not wide enough. Yeah.

And like you need it like not even for aesthetics. Yeah. Because they would need's not wide enough. Yeah. And like you need it like, not even for aesthetics. Oh yeah, you're medically. Yeah, because they would need to see. Yeah. That's like getting a deviated septum, getting a nose job. Exactly, exactly. Yeah.

I'm not gonna out this person, but I don't know if they want this public, but I do know someone who got that. I think you told me to. Yeah, I think maybe I did. But I know someone who got it done, and this person loves it. It's great, they can see again.

What do you think about? They can see how beautiful they look. Yes, they can. What do you think about those articles that they put out about celebrities getting plastic surgery and just kind of presuming what was done? Like where doctors chime in and say, this is what they have done? Oh yeah, there's this stuff on social media or just articles and stuff.

Yeah. I saw one about me that said, a glow up. Did you see it? That's why I'm bringing it up, because it's so wrong. Oh yeah. Did they say I had surgery? They said that you had an eye lift, but you've talked about it. And a couple of weeks ago, you were saying how like people in Hollywood who get plastic surgery

Have too much time on their hands like you have no time for it. No, I haven't I will I'll tell you when I get Whatever surgery I promise you there is nothing I will do that. I will not be honest about it I might do it after the fact because I just don't want people to like zero in on my recovery and like track it like that's Annoying, but I will I'll definitely let everyone everyone know I don't think there's any shame in it It's like getting your hair done like I or died. I don't I don't care so that I saw one kind of pop up on my explore page of like Look at the glow up and it showed me from my special perfect, which I think I shot when I was 29 or 30 and then Now and then it showed I think the the yeah the Golden Globes and

Quite a glow up, but I will say it's lasers it's Botox it's filler and It's And that's it. That's it. Tell me more about these lasers. Yeah, I'm getting one done tomorrow. Actually. I'm getting the Moxie BBL It might be oh, I just have that done tomorrow. Actually, I'm getting the Moxie BBL. It might be. Oh, I just heard that. You're going to love it. Yes. It was like five days to a week of like your skin looking kind of crazy.

Oh, yeah. Isn't a BBL a Brazilian butt lift? That's what I thought. My lady, Jen Jones at the Method in Webster Gross. Jenny Jones at the Method in Webster Gross. That's where she is now. She sold you out Method in Webster Gross. She's doing it right now? That's where she is now. She sold you out.

Jenny Jones. Yeah, she's... Daytime talk show host. And I think she's a stand up comedian at one point. Is that doing Brazilian butt lifts? Yeah, she was. On your face. Yeah.

Yeah. And so I used to... One of my first jokes was that I was going to get... I had a flat ass and I looked into butt implants and they're really expensive, but breast implants are really cheap, so I'm just gonna get some tits put in my ass. I thought it was pretty good. But no, yeah, it's called a MOXI BBL. That's the thing I'm gonna do next week.

I've never done it before. Before this I've done the, what's it called? Morpheus? Micro-needling where they rub in your own blood that they spin around in a machine. Where they get like, so I've done that and then I've done Morpheus eight. I've done like two times.

I think you need to do it like four or five to get the full effect, but I just kinda like dropped off. I don't know. There's no rhyme or rhythm to anything I do. All I know is that I just trust people who recommend things and this was the thing that she recommended. There's another thing I'm going to do that I forget the name of, but I'll tell you what I do, what I get it. But the Moxie BBL is supposed to be really good, but I need a week of recovery. So I'm getting it tomorrow and then I'm not on the road for a week.

It's amazing that I have time to do it because usually I would not. But yeah. Have you been on the road all month? No, not at all. You've just been off. How's that feeling? Not good. You know what? I have to say, like after the Golden Globes,

I felt so sharp when it came to joke writing. I was so zippy. I was so quick. Like even in conversation, I was just tagging. You know, like if you work it, you work it. Like I was so good at joke writing and I feel like I wish that I would have had someone plan assignments for me every day or something just to keep that muscle going, you know,

to keep that strength up. And I think it's not lost. I mean, there'll be muscle memory. I gained stuff from working so hard on the Golden Globes and being in that room with you guys and just learning so much and just having the bar raised in terms of like, if you want to be heard, you got to be funny, you know, like you got to. Yeah, everything's a muscle. I mean, you think like, oh, if I don't play guitar or piano, you could you you everyone knows that you when you come back to it, you're not as good.

But it's the same thing is true of writing, right? Like sitting down and writing, you have to practice and do and then you get better at it and you improve at it. And as you practice it, I'm reading this book called Rusty called the breakthrough. Wait, what is it called? have to practice and do and then you get better at it and you improve at it as you practice it. I'm reading this book called the, called the breakthrough. Wait, what is it called? Let me look at it really quick. And by the way, I'm reading a third of it. You guys know anatomy of a breakthrough. And it's about feeling blocked creatively or whatever it is in whatever you do. And I'm right at the beginning of it where it's kind of talking about all the studies that have been done on people who get blocked and where motivation kind of comes from.

And they were doing this really interesting thing about they actually did a study on comedians where comedians think that once it gets... We always just quit once it gets tough. If we're in a creative endeavor, you're working on a joke, you're working on a song, you're working on a script. Like you work for a few hours and then you're like at a block and you're like, you would predict as a comedian, as a writer that if you continued working three more hours, that the stuff you would come up in that three hours after you've kind of already, you're like, you got all of it out, right? The first three hours. And now you're like, you've hit

a wall. If you kept going for three more hours, you would predict a downgrade of the material, of the amount, and of the substance of it. But you would be wrong. That studies show that the back-end, after it's hard, you actually generate more creative things and you create more of them. And so, there's this, it's called the cliff paradox. The dip of the cliff paradox. Like something about the cliff, the creative, the illusion of the cliff, where it's like you think that once you reach the edge of where it's easy, that there's going to be a drop off, but it's an illusion.

And there's actually much more to be gained once it gets hard. And we can use that in all aspects of our life. So I'm just getting the information right now, and then's going to teach me how to like break through those things. But I already use one thing in a Pilates class because it was talking about how no matter if you're a rat in a maze or if you're a person running a race or if you're a girl in a Pilates class or if you're doing something that is required, you know, you're working towards the Golden Globes, whatever it is, you, at the start of it, you will work really diligently and really fast and really efficiently. And then in the middle, you will slag and you will get bogged down and you will produce

less good work and less work. And then in the end, when you can see the finish, you will ramp it up again and you will do better. You'll run faster at the end of the race, you'll run faster at the beginning of the race. In the middle of the race, you're going to be not good. And it just, for any type of activity, the middle always is the worst spot for people and they just do the worst.

And so to beat that, you're supposed to break up everything into smaller pieces so that you're constantly at a beginning and an end. So yesterday in Pilates class, I just broke it all into five minutes. And even that was almost too much because I was like dying at the third minute or whatever. I was just like, I just need to pretend that you get to quit after five minutes in the class. You're just trying to get to that five on the clock.

Now you're just trying to get to that 10. And it really made it, it wasn't like a miraculous thing, but it did make it more interesting and surmountable for me than just having that like, oh my God, when you're at 10 minutes in class, you got to get to 50. It just seems like, what's the point? It just, it's forever. And sometimes I go, don't look at the clock, think you see how long you can go without looking at the

clock. That's like a way I tricked myself. And then I look at the clock, it's 12 minutes. It's like, and I think it's been, you know, 22. So I'm learning things through this. Is think it's been you know 22 so I'm learning things through this is it going to you know change the way I do everything I hope so but well that exact thing happened on the Golden Globes do you remember like three weeks in when we were like oh my god we've got nothing everything we're writing is terrible like everything would not think of

anything we were out of jet we were like there's nothing else to be written about wicked there's nothing nothing and be written about Wicked. There's nothing. Nothing. And we were literally like, what, who needs to be hired? Like what did we do wrong here that we can't come up with anything at all? For like a full week, we couldn't come up with anything. We were like, I was worried, there was a time I was worried where I was like, I don't know,

I have the best people working for me possible and we aren't there. Like it's not, this monologue is not popping. And I felt that way about almost every kind of endeavor I've had of where it's like, in the middle, you just go, what is this? This is gonna be horrible. And I just have to remember that's going to happen every single time.

You have to fight through it. It's very rare that you get a really solid middle and then like the beginning and ends are bad. No. You start bad and then all of a sudden it's amazing and then it's bad again? Well, if you could always just imagine it being the end, like I've talked about this a million times on the podcast,

I'm sorry, but it's the most interesting thing I've ever heard in my life, so I'm so sorry, but everyone just needs to remember it. When there was a woman who had a brain accident, like an accident where a part of her brain was injured and it was a part of her brain that was short-term memory. So her memory started over all the time and after her ex she used to run races before this and she was fine. And then after her accident where she lost her short-term memory, she was doing ultra marathons and winning them because she wasn't, she didn't know where she was in the race. So she was always at the beginning of the race where she, so it's all mental.

Like your tiredness in the middle of the race is because you know you're in the middle. It's not because you actually are tired. I mean, yes it is, but it's because everything is mental. If you can trick yourself into being like, this is the beginning, it's that's such an important thing to remember because it's, we just think that we're tired because of how long we've been going. We see that time on the clock or we see how long we have left

and you can trick your brain into thinking things. That was proven by the original marathon. Like you can literally run yourself to death. Like there's no limit to how much you can run. Yeah. Like the original guy who ran the marathon died at the end of it after he announced that the Trojans were coming or whatever. They talk about it in the book how this one girl was finishing a marathon and she was like, you know, I think you've probably seen the clip. We've all seen it where she's approaching the finish line and her legs just start wobbling

out from under her. She's like leading, you know? Oh my God. And then someone comes and helps her and she's able to finish. But her body was fine and she said earlier, they talk about her in it and they say earlier on in the race, she was like really far ahead. She saw her dad and he was like, you're first by this much. And she was like, oh my God.

And she's like, I don't need water. I'm fine. It was a really hot day. She just wasn't feeling. And she was like, I first by this much and he was she was like oh my god and she's like I don't need water I'm Fine it was a really hot day She just wasn't feeling and she was like I just want to keep this lead so she didn't get water as soon as her mind Saw the fucking finish line her body was like we're done Like yeah, it almost like her mind her mind thought that she was at the finish It didn't it wasn't smart enough because it didn't have enough water and energy to go, you still have to do more. It just thought it was done. And so it collapsed. That's why people collapse when they finish. It's because they're done. It's not because that's when they were

supposed to collapse. It's like when you have to take a dump and you're like driving home and you have a car and you're like, oh my God, I could hold it in for 10 years. Yes. Yes. And then all of a sudden you're like around the corner from your house and you shit your pants. This is why meditation is important, because that's where you learn to control your thoughts and control your brain and have a little bit more of like, being able to steer up there.

OK, we got to go to break. I'll be back after this. We'll be back. Hi, this is Ruthie Rogers, host of Ruthie's Table Four. This week, my guest is Zoe Saldana host of Ruthie's Table Four. This week, my guest is Zoe Saldana, and what a woman she is. I come from a family, and I do know this, that it's a cultural thing. We dance. If you failed a test, we danced. If you passed it, you know what I mean?

You just dance, and you dance merengue, and you you dance salsa and everybody sits in someone's back your Listen on the I heart radio app Apple or wherever you find your podcasts John Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the shows, correspondents, and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome. My name is Paola Pedroza, a medium and the host of the Ghost Therapy Podcast, where it's not just about connecting with deceased loved ones. It's about learning through them and their new perspective. Join me on the Ghost Therapy podcast. Whoa, my lights in my living room just flickered. I'm a little nervous. I'm excited, I'm excited nervous.

You know, I'm a very spiritual person, so I'm like, I'm ready and open. That was amazing. I feel so grateful right now. I got to speak to my great-grandmother, Abuela, and she gave me a lot of really good advice that I'm going to have to really think about. Wow, okay. That's crazy. Yes, that is accurate. Listen to the Ghost Therapy Podcast as part of the MyCultura Podcast Network,

available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Arturo Castro, and I've been lucky enough to do stuff like Broad City and Narcos and Roadhouse, and so many commercials about back pain. And now I'm starting a podcast because honestly, guys, I don't feel the space is crowded enough. Get Ready for Greatest Escapes, a new comedy podcast about the wildest true escape stories

in history. Each week I'll be sitting down with some of the most hilarious actors and writers and comedians to tell them a buckwild tale from across history and time. People like Ed Helms, Diane Guerrero, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Zoe Chow. Titanic. Charles Manson. Alcatraz. Asada Shakur.

The sketchy guy named Steve. It's giving funny true crime. Zoe Chao. Titanic. Charles Manson. Alcatraz. Asada Shakur. The sketchy guy named Steve. It's giving funny true crime. I love storytelling and I love you, so I can't wait. Listen and subscribe to Greatest Escapes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. How was everyone's weekends? Well, I want to bring up this tweet because we were talking about people not getting sarcasm

and there was this amazing tweet over the weekend. People are watching the inauguration and obviously a lot of people are making jokes about it online. Ginny Hogan, you heard of Ginny Hogan? Oh, I love her. Yeah. She's so funny. I subscribed to her sub stack, I think.

Yeah. So she's so funny. I subscribe to her sub stack. I think yeah, so she's great. She during the inauguration She tweets out. Thank God Biden isn't alive to see this Which is so funny and Because obviously he is alive and it's a joke dude, it's oh my god, I can't even okay So then someone responds to this. I assume you mean Carter, as in Jimmy Carter, who just died recently. Oh boy.

And then she responds to that and I said, I did not, please no comments. Which is also hilarious. And then the original person responds to that, well turn off comments if you don't want pushback, otherwise people will keep pointing out your stupidity. Oh my God. Yeah.

And another person agrees with the dumb person and says, she's a teacher. That explains the stupidity. What? Yeah. It's like people are, the people that are commenting on that are agreeing with the dumb person who does not get the joke But what is the argument that teachers are dumb? It's like That I mean that's been a thing sad

Yeah, ever since they started letting trans people teach your kids that all the Republicans think that teachers are evil. Oh Dear god, yeah, it's the yeah, it's a lot of that online. How do you not get that joke? I mean, the Republicans, out of all the people have been making the most jokes about how Biden is actually a weekend at Bernie's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then when they see one in the wild, they go, what the fuck are you? Must mean Jimmy Carter. Oh God. How many people do you think Tim Dillon's Tim Dillon's audience take him so seriously? I don't know. This is where it's like that's-

80%. Oh God, that makes me nervous. Yeah, it's- No, no, it's probably like 20%. Realistically, it's probably like 20% of people who don't understand. That it's satire? That it's like a joke. Yeah, that it's, well, it's exaggerated.

A farce? What's theire? Yeah, that it's, well, it's that it's exaggerated. Yeah. His clip about the fires was so fucking insane. Do you see it? Everything he's saying. Did you see the clip though, where he's like doing the voice of the woman

talking about her house and like, just like, and then he's, you know, he's just talking about this, you have to, I can't, I literally can't even repeat it because it's like, it scares me so much of like the fall out. And then he goes, this is probably the, he's making fun of this woman, kind of, you know. And then he goes, this is probably the president of CAA's wife. And they just, you know, just get an email, you've been dropped. And he goes, who cares? And the clip cuts out. It made me laugh so hard.

Just like, just, he doesn't give a fuck. It's refreshing. He's crushing the fire. He's like the only one that's able to make the fires funny on the internet. Oh my God. And he's going around saying that his house burned down and that his family's dead. He's just telling people that. He also donated

a lot of money to the fire, to the Eaton fire. Of course, he has the biggest heart. Yeah. Yeah. It's, God, it's funny. Yeah. People don't get things. I'm still getting hate about God and throwing God out of the bus. I guess that is still circulating. That's still happening. Yeah. Parts of the world. Well, it really is. It's a worldwide phenomenon. The only place in the world where it's not happening is America. Yeah, they seem to be on board. Yeah. And maybe even Europe. I think it's literally just, you know,

South America and Southeast Asia. I mean, it didn't really spread like, you know, South America and Southeast Asia. I mean, it's it's it didn't really spread like, you know, Catholicism did. Did you watch a lot of football this weekend, I'm guessing? Oh, hell yeah. Of course I did. I was watching my phone a lot next to football. It was on a lot. There was so much football this weekend. Yeah, lots of playoff games, lots of really solid games. There's also the college football championship. I watched that last night. Yes.

Yep. Oh, God. You want to Notre Dame to win? I just wanted Ohio State to lose. I hate Ohio State. I think the Ohio State coach looks like he is a mass murderer. I think the quarterback is a true bully. He should have been wearing Melania's hat, if you know what I'm saying. Just go Google it. Yeah, he's a true bully, I think. I mean, I- Oh, really? Yeah, and also I just, I hate the stuff he does.

He like, there's one point where he like, did a running play and then looked at the sideline and like winked and I was like, this guy is pure evil. Like he's pure learn from River Street? crying After the game no cuz he loves that coach Yeah, well Chris was commenting that he was making it like these boys have been through hell and back because they lost like one game like they lost him to Michigan or something and so like the whole story now is like, but they've, they've,

they've won a lot of like, they've been to the playoffs a lot. Like they, they were national champions not that long ago. And it's like this, the whole narrative, whenever someone wins, something has to be like, been through hell. It's like, it's been through hell, really perennial, uh, playoff contenders. They won the championship years ago the town they live in Ohio State is like always has all the best players except for maybe Alabama and Georgia and they're always in the top

four if there's there's no adversity at all here through and here's the hell Michigan defeated them hell was there a natural disaster on campus? Well, they live in Columbus. Okay, oh, well, all right. Shit on Columbus joke. So there was a Michigan defeated Ohio State back in the regular season. It didn't matter.

I mean, it could have, I guess, knocked them out of the playoff, but it was never gonna knock them out. But that's what they're saying when they've been through hell and back. Like, give me a fucking break. Well, so there's this, there is a tradition where if you defeat a rival, an important rival on their home turf, then you can take your team's flag and plant it at midfield on the logo. That happens across college football and many different things happen in Ohio. That's

right. So the Michigan players defeat Ohio State a huge upset and they're running the flag out to plant it and the Ohio State players literally started fighting them where a lot of them got like, you know penalties and suspension This is after the game. I think I'm back to thinking football's stupid. I think I'm back. I think I was there for a year I liked it for a year and I'm back to thinking it's a waste of everyone's time and I don't like, I just, I don't- Because Ohio State won, that's what happens. No, I don't think it's that. It's just like, yeah, I don't want men crying about men who've been through hell and it's just like, I just, I don't know. It just all seems, these guys are getting laid. Chris last night was like, isn't it weird that there's like a baby that's gonna be born in nine months

because these guys won tonight? Like there's children that are conceived tonight because of the happiness. Like I like when teams are happy. Like I'm rooting for the Bills 100% because my friend who is a depressed person loves the Bills and I feel like it literally will cure his depression if the Bills win.

It's like I've never cared more about a team winning anything than- I got a friend like that too I think actually depression if the Bills win. It's like, I've never cared more about a team winning anything than- I got a friend like that too, I think, actually. About the Bills? I think it's the whole city of Buffalo is suffering with a depression that will be cured. They deserve it.

I want the Bills to win so bad. I'm going to the Super Bowl. So not the Chiefs. Listen, they've, sure, they can have it, but like, they, it's, you know. Well, they're like it but like I think it's you know Well, they're like the evil villain of the league now. Nobody wants the Chiefs to really people in Kansas City You just don't want to see someone win that many times, right? They're going for a three-peat which is exciting in and of itself I've been done. Yeah, but it's just like when Tom Brady was on the Patriots

It's just like I'm sick and tired of them winning. And the way they win is so boring every single time. It's just like a grind out. Like they always win by like two or three points because they do. It's like you think like they know they could turn it on and like crush the team, but they decide not to because they'd rather just make it boring. I see my girl on the field kissing her man. I'd like to see that. That's a fun picture. It's a fun moment. So I like that. But yeah, my friend who has struggles with life, I would like, it's much more important for him to be happy this year than Taylor Swift, who has a lot,

I only want good things for her and Travis, but I think they can weather this year more than my friend who needs the Bills to win desperately. If the Chiefs win the Super Bowl again, I believe seriously Travis Kelcey might retire. I mean, how could you not after winning three Super Bowls in a row? Where could you go from there? Fourth doesn't even matter at that point. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, all I'm saying is I'm looking forward to football season being over. Yeah. You are going to the Super Bowl, you said. Yeah, I am going to the Super Bowl. I'm doing a thing that got me an invite to the Super Bowl. I can't say what the thing is, I don't think. Not that anyone would even care. Well, you're going to be on Bird Kreischer's skin.

That's not the thing. That didn't get me an invite, but something else I'm doing got me an invite to it. So I'm going. You can't say that. Uh-uh. But I don't know what I'm going to wear yet because I don't know who's in it and I'm making my whole outfit based on like the team. So I'm hoping that I get to borrow my depressed friends clothing and wear like an oversized cool jacket or something, but I don't know what the weather will be in New Orleans. Anyway,

like a bills thing? Yeah, like a bill. Like why? So you're anticipating that the bills will be there. Yeah, like I'm hoping. Yeah. Yeah. That means they'd're anticipating that the bills will be there. Yeah, like I'm hoping yeah Yeah, that means they have to defeat the Chiefs next week Yeah, I'm okay with that. I like I said, I care about Travis's happiness. I love Patrick Mahomes. I love

his mom Randy I love I love The guy love Kansas City. I love Taylor, but they all I just care about this friend who really needs this right now. I think it's the only thing that can lift him out. They won the other night and everyone who saw him on weekends said he was the happiest they've ever seen him. It literally can change lives. And I think that that town needs it and I love Buffalo and they need it.

And they're you know, are these the guys that like, are the bills the ones that jump off of the top of things and onto tables or is it the Eagles? That's the bills. Yeah, they need this. They, they lost. They lost four Super Bowls in a row in the 90s. In a row. That's insane.

That's insane and unheard of. I can't believe I didn't hear about it sooner than two nights ago when you guys told me. Anyway, went to a game. We went to go watch at Chris's house last night, or at Chris's brother's house. And my parents came over, Chris's parents were there, kids were there. And my, Chris's niece, Catherine, has become obsessed with my Gracie Abrams walk down the hall viral video thing that I did on TikTok that kind of became a trend. And she was playing it and she was too scared to ask so she was whispering to her mom and her mom was like,

she wants to know if you will film one with her. So we filmed one last night, like I did my own trend with the whole family and then all the girls joined in, it was really fun. And we ate chili and we hung out. And my parents hadn't watched any of the inauguration coverage, so I just kept dropping little things to my dad that was, I kept showing him the Elon salute thing

and just having him like squirm in his chair. Cause it was not the setting to like get upset about stuff. But I just kept giving him little nuggets. And he gets upset about this. Oh, boy. Yes. And I needed someone to get upset. I needed a little bit of release yesterday. I'm like, someone's going to get madder than I am so that it takes some of your shit away. So that was kind of fun. My parents are adorable. I love them so much and last night I woke I did wake up last night because Goldie had a bad dream and woke me up. She was like And I like was like whoa and she was like

And I don't know what the fuck she was dreaming about but it was very traumatic and the one must come down And I was like it was just he was giving his heart to us He said he was he was throwing his heart up into the rafters at a very sharp angle. That's what he said? Yes, dude. He said that? That's what people are saying is that he was like, my heart is with you. And then he threw his heart up into the sky.

All the way up to the third level. And so, um, but then I was awake and I couldn't get back to sleep. Four drum roll please. I had existential dread. It hit me last night, you guys. Welcome to my world, Nikki. Dude, I felt so bad for you. I like, not only was I flooded with my own dread of dying and my parents dying and my

dog dying and everyone in my life dying and like, how am I going to deal with that? Like I can't deal with my own dread of dying and my parents dying and my dog dying and everyone in my life dying and like how am I gonna deal with that? Like I can't deal with my parents dying. Like I should go hang out with my dad right now. It's four o'clock in the morning. Like he's alive right now. I have to go hang out with him. It was like truly I could not deal with it.

But then I was also burdened with your pain because I was like this is how people, this is how a lot of my friends feel all the time. How do you deal? So then I just started talking to myself and saying, it's okay, Nikki. It's okay, Nikki. It's like being my own mother, like soothing myself like I was a baby back to sleep and saying it over and over.

That's very healthy. That's like the answer. Yeah. That's like what I teach you to do and you just did it naturally. And I just was like, you're not allowed to think about those things. Like it is, you only, you have to do a mantra of it's okay, Nikki. So like, you know like when you're doing meditation

and you're supposed to focus on your breath and if you drift off, you just focus back on your breath? I was just like, anytime I drift off, I have to focus back on it's okay, Nikki, it's okay, Nikki, it's okay. And like just being like really soothing and nice. And then I was able to get back to sleep. But good God, it was so deeply uncomfortable.

I felt like I was high in eighth grade, where you get high and you start like, everyone's gonna die, I'm gonna die. Dude, it was horrible. I'm so sorry to anyone who goes through that. I'm so glad it's gone today and that I resent my parents again and I'm totally taking them for granted.

It's true. You wake up in the middle of the night gone today and that I resent my parents again and I'm totally taking them for granted. It's true. You wake up in the middle of the night and you're like, I have to spend time with all the people that might be gone someday. How could I ever turn down hanging out with my parents when it's certain that they will be gone someday? I will be gone someday. How do I go on?

That is what my postpartum depression was? I just kept thinking about how one day I you know, like I won't be there for my daughter or you know Like my my family's gonna pass away and all that is it's really paralyzing It's paralyzing because there's nothing you can do about it and you're like everyone's just okay with this. I Think it just I mean obviously if no one's okay with this? I think it just, I mean, obviously if you're having a kid... No one's okay with it. The only people that are okay with it are the same, like, okay with dying, are you saying? Well, we have to be okay with it. We have to go about our lives. I couldn't go to a fucking Pilates class if I had thought that I was going to die soon. Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, I argue with...

I wouldn't go to take my tire in to get fixed. I don't understand when people say like, oh yeah, I don't mind dying. I think it'll be fine. And I'm like, are you, I don't think you understand what that means. I'm okay with dying. I'm not okay with my parents dying and me having to like, go on. Yeah. That's where I'm like, I don't know if that's going to be okay. Or siblings. No, there's just like all sorts of things, friends. And then I was like, you should, Nikki, you should have a kid because this is that, that, that will make it so you have someone that won't die before you. And then I go with something could happen to them. I'm not fucking inviting more of the shit in my life.

Like I'm, I'm, that would add to my anxiety of like what could happen. Like I can't, I can't do. So there was a moment of like, I should have a baby because I wanna alleviate the pain of losing my parents and I wanna have something I care about just as much as my parents. And then I was like, no, I can't because then I, what if some, that was too scary. So.

That's in Korea, that's one of the scariest things. I just hugged my dog. That would just ruin your, like you have in your act, that would ruin your entire life if something happened Like there's no go moving on from that. No, that's a big risk. I mean, but anyway, that's So look I have this speaking of people's parents. Allie's dad is a subscriber to the Wall Street Journal Uh-huh, and he saved this in print Yeah, and sent it to

My god, you guys are so cute. Look at this. I'm so big on the Wall Street Journal. Look at those eyes They didn't know I make up on me for that almost none I was like, are we really gonna go minimal here? Yeah, they're blue as hell. They're strikingly blue. Damn I look at that picture Nikki and I'm like a woman like do you ever look at yourself Noah and you're like I'm I'm a Like I'm 40 like that isn't like I'm not a girl anymore Like that's a woman who should have I wish I wish I photographed as well as you you are so Photographic honey. I want to let you know, those were,

the one that you had, the New York Times, that was probably 100 pictures taken, and the one you held up, that was probably a thousand. So those, everyone remember that it's one of thousands of pictures taken when they end up with a picture. Even I saw like Addison Rae on Rolling Stone, I'm like, that's the best picture I've ever seen. And I was like, just remember,

it was a whole day of shooting. And there's some really bad ones of her, I'm sure. Probably not that many. But it's, yeah, it was very exciting. Face was everywhere. I have recently, because there's a more recognizability factor going on, poor moi, I've been trying to dress nicer when I leave the house. It is happening. And then I saw someone at Starbucks the other

day and I was dressed nice and she recognized me and I apologized. I just read that on, there's an interview on Grammy.com with Nikki where you tell a story, I think you may tell that story, where you like apologize when you meet people like at the airport or wherever and you're like, I'm sorry, I know that you expected more of me. I always do because I just am like, this is not okay. And even like the girls at my Pilates gym, they're so nice. They're like, you looked so pretty at the, you know, Golden Globes. And I'm like, it was all my glam team honey, as you know, look at me right now. It's crazy how much it can be dialed up.

You also look stunning on Howard. I was just talking with one of my jujitsu classmates yesterday about that and they have really good lighting there. It was so nice. And I had eyelashes, you know, I had eyelashes and fake hair. But that green, I like that hunter green on you, I think. Oh, I think it's a gray, I was wearing gray on Howard Stern, but it might have looked green on the screen. Well, it looked wonderful on you. What did the person say at Starbucks that you apologized to?

She just goes, because I was getting up to go to the bathroom and I was leaving my computer and I just, I always do this thing where I'm like, will you, but if someone comes and steals it, it's not your, like, I don't care. Just don't chase them. Right. Like it's just, that's literally what I go. I go, will you? And then I pointed out and I go, but you don't have to like, it's not just do whatever. Like it's there. And then, um, cause it's really dumb to put someone like in charge of your, like, you will you guard this for me? I'm always just like, what?

OK, that's actually a pretty good idea for a movie is someone says, can you watch my laptop for me? And then they go to the bathroom at the coffee shop and then someone steals the laptop and the person feels like it's their job to find that laptop and hunt it. It's like a curb episode where he's like, I didn't even say that I would, you know, like he and Larry, I motion for you to watch it. I have my headphones and I didn't know, like that's such a curb thing. So I did that motion and the girl goes, wait, are you, are you Nikki Glaser? And I said, yes. Oh my God. I'm so sorry that this is who I am. Because I was wearing like a, my hair was like five days unwashed. It was in a clip that was like tangled and like there's like

a long strand hanging out of it. I have to put up my hair in a clip and there's one strand that's all the way down my back and then the rest is up like high on my head. It's like I just don't look in mirrors that often. And she was like, oh no, like she was like, you know, I've had the joke before, but I literally am almost offended when I get recognized because of how trashy I will look. But it may, I don't know this makes me feel good because I'm like, oh, maybe there is a little sign that I look that pretty outside of it. And then, yeah, that's it. So I've been trying to up the way I look when I just go out because I feel like people talk and I just don't want the rumor to be like she was dressed disgustingly. Like when I go out to nice dinners or something, like I throw on some makeup now.

I just want to look a little bit presentable. You never know when someone's going to be taking a picture of you now. Right. I don't mind a picture. And it could show up in a publication. There are just certain places I go to in St. Louis where I feel people can be like judgy and that's why I had to get like a nicer car. Like I wish I just didn't care what people thought, but I just don't want people to think

they're better than me. Yeah. And I think that some people, and because they have more money than me or something, there's some areas in St. Louis where you have to look a certain way and dress a certain way, or sometimes I go to the Starbucks in Ladoo and I run in and out of there so fast because I don't want anyone to see what trash I am because then they'll whisper about me at their Bible studies and say, oh, she was actually wearing these converse that are like so dirty and she had these really ill-sitting jeans

on and like, we don't even know why she's famous. Like I didn't laugh at all. I didn't think it was funny at all. She's never been funny. I think it's actually disgusting. And like they can act like they're better than me. Like I know these conversations happen. The girls, if you're offended by this

because you're like, I don't talk that way about her, then you're not who I'm talking about. You're cool and I like you. But if you're St. Louisan, you know who I'm talking about. The weird, you go to high school people that can try to socioeconomically place you. That's the big thing in St. Louis is where everyone asks where you went to high school

so they can know how rich your dad is And now you're richer than their dad. So fuck them. I am but I still dress like I'm not though And that's what it that's what matters I I would there are times where I just want to let them all know that but I guess they could just go well I don't know. I actually don't I don't think I'm richer than them Some of them like their dad dads own banks and shit. Like I can't even touch their wealth. But there was, I was gonna move into a house

a couple, I would say like six months ago or something. And we got really close. We were so excited about this place. And I'm kind of glad it didn't happen because my mom, my mom's friends They meet people that are from this neighborhood and they all are like Nikki almost moved into our neighborhood Nikki Glaser almost but they all know and I'm like, how did they even know and so if I move into a neighborhood? Everyone's gonna be watching every little thing that goes on in my house and whispering and, Oh, the car is parked a certain way.

She trumps, but you know what though? This also happens if in your, it's just moving into a neighborhood. Yeah, no, I know that you're right. I'm not trying to feel, I'm not to move off the grid. I want to live in like a kind of wooded area where people can't see in because I'm not ashamed of how I live. I really, I'm, I'm quite a mess and it's okay. But I don't like people to collectively get together and whisper and think they're better than me or like

try to make themselves feel better about the fact that they're not famous or whatever they're jealous of me about even though I don't think that's something to be jealous about. And then they just like the fact that they all knew why did why do people know that? Why aren't you allowed to move into a neighborhood and not have everyone know who you are? Is that just not a thing that exists anymore? I'm being serious. Every place that I've looked at, the story is always the town is small and everybody talks

no matter what, like even if you moved into Culver City, which is like a small section of a larger place. But if you want to go move into a place that like literally is like a smaller city or town, then yeah, people just gossip and bitch. There's a famous person who lives in the town that I got married in, Grand Lake. Yeah. Everybody fucking hates this guy. I mean, he is like, he does do some things, I guess, that are hates this guy. I mean he is like he does do some things I guess that are rude and mean but I was in there because I was walking around because the alley and I were like What would it be like to live in Grand Lake?

And then we started talking to the townspeople about like what would it be like to live here and every single person we talked to Brought up this famous guy and was like but this guy lives today. They'd be like we love it. The winters are really cold It's really not a great place to know who is this guy, but this guy lives here, They'd be like, we love it. The winters are really cold. It's really not a great place to live. Dying to know who is this guy. But this guy lives here too. And he's such an asshole. Dennis Quaid. You're not so far off, actually. Yeah. Yeah. You can probably look it up.

Dude, Noah, do you, is your neighborhood like that? Like chattery about like a gossipy and you guys get together and talk about who's doing what? I only recently, because I've been going for walks, and I was gonna say, you have a dog, you're gonna go for walks, you're gonna meet a lot of people wherever you want. Oh yeah, that's where you really get to talk to people, the walks.

So after living here for like four years, and only now have I met some of my neighbors, and particularly one lady who told me the whole neighborhood spiel about everybody. Oh my god. But it wasn't like too gossipy, except for about like one couple and how they're like a remarried couple with one kid and all that stuff. But you know, it wasn't anything toxic.

Yeah, okay. I mean, yeah, this is not going to go over well with some people. And you're in the public eye. It's inevitable. Even if you move off the grid. Yeah, and I don't mind, I don't mind like making friends. This is not gonna go over well. You're in the public eye. It's inevitable. Even if you move off the grid. I don't mind making friends. How long do you have to talk to people when you run into them when you're walking? If you run out to someone and they're getting their mail

and you sit and you talk, what's an average amount of time and then how do you get out of it? And I'm not looking to not have conversations. I like conversation. It stresses me out that you can't get out of it. Yeah. And also that like you have to walk your dog like four times a day. Yeah. And like, what are you going to have a conversation every single time you walk outside?

I mean, that's when I'm like, I have I have my methods to try to avoid headphones. Well, what I've been doing lately is I just carry Jack across the street and down the block and make him pee on that lawn because I don't because there's this vicinity. There's this circle of this area right outside my house where like I talk to this neighbor, I talk to that neighbor and it's just it was getting to be like inefficient. I'd be out there for like 25 minutes talking to people and sometimes you just don't want to talk at all. Yeah. And sometimes the other person doesn't want to talk at all.

Some people see each other and you feel obligated to have this conversation, this reluctant conversation you don't want to talk at all. Yeah. And sometimes the other person doesn't want to talk at all. Sunglasses. But then you both see each other and you feel obligated to have this conversation, this reluctant conversation you don't want to have. Melania's hat. How to get one of those. Sunglasses. But I will say, living in an apartment complex, I never talk to anyone. It's just something about living in that close of quarters that makes people totally antisocial. It's almost

like on an airplane. You know, we're all so close to each other yet we all agree not to talk. In an apartment building, I know some people and we say hi and we nod at each other, but there's not long conversations going on. I don't feel like there's any... I never gossip about anyone. I'm not trying to suss out who's going where and what's happening. I don't feel like that energy is being brought to me. That's why I love an apartment. I love living amongst people but not being expected to have podcasts with them.

Right. In the hallway. Yeah, exactly. I think that the nod hello and just the acknowledgement that I know you, I'm happy to see you, we're not talking is amazing. I'm coming off as anti-social but I promise you I'm not. I just don't like being, I grew up in a house where my mom's always like, get that shit out of our front. Nicky, clean that stuff up. People are going to think we're white trash. And just, I would always be like, who cares? But I think it's seeped into me that I'm

deeply concerned about people thinking I'm white trash or thinking that I'm trash based on what is on my lawn. Like even Chris was like, if we move in one of these nice neighborhoods, we're not gonna be able to park like the way we want, like you can't just park on the street, or you can't have your friends, and I'm like, my friends are gonna park on the fucking street. Who gives a shit? I'm trying to be like, what?

They're gonna like write us up for it, write us up. I don't care, like, oh, they have to move their car two inches when they're driving by, like, and why is that such, or your Christmas lights have to be a certain color like a joy stuff like? All it says to me is like we want to make this neighborhood look white Even the Christmas lights have to be white like that's what I am disgusted by any kind of rules that make it feel like We need to let everyone know we're rich and white. And that's why I don't like country clubs. I just feel like there's just this vibe of like,

they are not saying what I think they wanna say, which is we know what they wanna say. But maybe that's just me, maybe I'm reading too much into it. I love everyone at the St. Louis. All right, we're gonna go to break. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. Hi, this is Ruthie Rogers, host of Ruthie's Table Four. This week my guest is Zoe Saldana, and what a woman she is. I come from a family, and I do know this, that it's a cultural thing. We dance. If you failed a test, we danced. If you passed it, you know what I mean? You just dance, and you dance merengue, and you dance salsa, and everybody sits in someone's

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on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome. My name is Paola Pedrosa, a medium and the host of the Ghost Therapy Podcast, where it's not just about connecting with deceased loved ones. It's about learning through them and their new perspective. Join me on the Ghost Therapy Podcast. Whoa, my lights in my living room just flickered. I'm a little nervous. I'm excited. I'm excited nervous. You know, I'm a very spiritual person, so I'm like, I'm ready and open.

That was amazing. I feel so grateful right now. I got to speak to my great grandmother, Abuela, and she gave me a lot of really good advice that I'm going to have to really think about. Wow, okay. That's crazy. Yes, that is accurate. Listen to the Ghost Therapy Podcast as part of the MyCultura Podcast Network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, what other, what?

Last, so I experienced the clothes thing last night because I went to, Allie was doing a midnight book release where we would go to the bookshop in town and she'd pick up the book, you know, there was like a big event. Oh, fun. And this was like a surprise.

What book? It's called Onyx Storm, which is the third book in a series about dragon riders. Oh my God. She's so cool. Okay. Yeah. Well, I, this was a surprise to me and to her. She kind of forgot that she had the tickets, but she's like, Oh, I got to go to the bookstore.

And it's this bookstore in Culver city called the Rip Bodice, which is a romance bookstore and it's run by women, owned by women and all the books are for women. And, um, I'm like, yeah, I'll go with you to the thing. It sounds fun. So we walked to town and I'm wearing my usual stuff. I'm wearing my Golden Globes vest. I had my Golden Globes shirt. I wish coca Poxy. Coco Poxy. My puff jacket. Puff jacket. Which is very colorful. With rainbow, yeah.

I had blue sweatshirts on, my fanny pack, and a dinosaur hat. And I would go to this event. And I would never. Dress sometimes like a toddler whose mom said, you decide what you wear today, honey. Exactly, exactly. Yeah.

Most of the time I just don't care. I just want to be comfortable I just wanna be comfortable. Yeah, just comfortable. But this one time, we were there and I was literally the only man there. And I felt like I am not representing my gender well here. Oh, right, right. No, I feel like your outfit is a non-threatening man.

I feel like that is like you dressed the way as a guy that would not hurt us. Yeah. And you know what's interesting because I was there with my wife, obviously, and I feel like a lot of the ladies there were making eye contact with me. And it was like a reverse bar where I'm like at this. It's like when you go to a gay bar or something. It's like all of a sudden like Okay, was the eye contact three seconds or more? Oh, that's right The eye contact was significant and sometimes I would say something to Allie and then another girl would respond. Whoa

Sorry, but you're a very handsome man and I don't think you know that. Your skin is that of a child's. I don't understand your skin texture. We should be asking you what laser you get. But you're an attractive guy. So that makes sense. And you're tall and you were the only guy there. It all makes sense. So if you want to meet women, go to Midnight Book Sales.

I mean, it's just packed with women who. And if you go there and you're like, maybe this guy also likes Onyx storm, you're just like, you're on. Oh, you imagine one of them meeting someone who actually reads books about dragons, too. Yeah, you're not going to have to wet your finger to turn the page. With your mouth, you just put in your pants. Yeah. All these books are about that too. All these books that they're reading is all about fucking.

It's like riding dragons. Oh really? There was a trivia contest about the book before- The Ripped Bodice. I mean, come on. I know. Exactly. It's a romance bookstore. There was a trivia contest and one of the questions was like, finish this quote from the book. And the questions was like finish this quote from the book and the quote was like when we go into our first year we lose our minds but when we go into our second year we lose our blank. And then they asked the question you were supposed to shout out the answer and I as a joke

shout out virginity and the answer answer. And you got it right. No, I didn't, I'm sorry. That would be great. Oh, that would be cool, yeah. The answer was humanity, which is actually pretty close. Oh. In your second year you lose your humanity. And I yell out virginity and then this girl behind me says to me, I guess you didn't read the first book

because in the first year, that's when everyone loses their virginity. And so she's joking around with me about it. Whoa. Because everyone's fucking the around me about it. Whoa. Because everyone's fucking the entire time. All these books. I didn't realize that when my wife is sitting on her bed reading these books, it's like porn. Yes. Yes. That's women's porn.

I never got into that stuff. I just watched porn, but it can be really, really hot. This book, Miranda July on all fours, I saw my dad was reading it and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. That one, that's crazy, dad. It really made me uncomfortable that he was reading this book. He's like, yeah, just picked up the library. I'm like, dad, wait a second, have you gotten to any of the parts? And he's like, I don't think it's too crazy yet. I'm like, just buckle up, baby, because I don't even like, I don't like to know that my dad knows that stuff. Oh no. Sometimes that happens to my dad too,

where my dad and my wife have like, read a similar book, or like the same book, and I'm like, oh no. I don't want them to have read the same books based on this. Final thought, speaking of parents and them seeing things that you've seen, guess what I showed my parents that they had not seen on Thursday night.

Two girls, one cup. Great. No, my mom's currently reading it. Um, whiplash, baby. Oh yeah. That's the two girls, one cup of. I can't get enough of that movie. I and my dad goes, you don't want to watch it again.

You watched it. You watched it last week for the first time. I was like, I do want to watch again. So we watched it and I was like, you're going to love it. They loved it. In fact, the next day, they both told me we want to watch it again. We watch it. They they were like, they got it.

They were so into it. And so I just want to give a shout out. And it's on Netflix now. So, and the end of that movie is kind of pornographic. It totally is. It totally is. So horny. Oh my god, I'm horny for JK Simmons without question. What did I watch this weekend that he was in? Oh, A Juror Number Two. Anya recommended it to me. It's on Max. It's Clint Eastwood directed, 94 year old Clint Eastwood directed Juror Number, Juror, the rural juror number two. No, it's the juror number two. And it is, Nicholas Holt stars in it. I actually met him at Jimmy Kimmel. He was a very nice man.

We were doing it at the same time. He stars in it. J.K. Simmons is in it. Kiefer Sutherland is in it. Zoe Deutsch is in it. The black guy from Reno 911, who I love. I forget his name. So sorry. Shout out. He's in it. It's just like, it's packed with stars. And it's about a guy who is- Cedric Yarbrough. Yeah, Cedric Yarbrough. Oh my God, he's so funny, so good. But he's really, he's a dramatic role in this.

But yeah, J.K. is up to his old tricks, but I recommend watching Juror number two. Anya recommended it. It was actually really good. It makes you go like, what would I do? It's kind of crazy. And Clint Eastwood is 94 and directed this, I'm like, I cannot believe a 94 year old is working.

And one of those really long days on set, I think they probably were. Was the craft service all oatmeal? No, it's probably prunes. He also, it was like 15 years ago when he did the Republican National Convention and talked to that empty chair. And when he did American Sniper and had a baby doll instead of a baby.

But he's an amazing director. I mean, this was really well done. Yeah. But it's hard to believe that he can get it done because of the chair thing. Unreal. His daughter said it too. You thought 15 years ago he was senile, but I guess not. I guess it was a bad choice. It was good., it was good. It was really good. And then

we watched a bunch of football. Oh, I wanted to call back to, Noah had asked you about if the girls lingered for longer than three seconds on their eye contact. Yeah, what does that mean? Well, we had a discussion on this on Girls Chat where Carlisle was, ran into a celebrity, we won't say who, someone that I definitely ran into at the Golden Globes, and he lingered eye contact for like over five seconds of like strong eye contact, and she was like, I don't know what it was, and we were like, we know, because we read about how to flirt,

and you're supposed to hold eye contact for three seconds to let someone know that you wanna bang them. And give them a little smirk, a little smile. Yeah, you smirk because you're not supposed to be like, hey, I like you, because women are supposed to be passive and let guys, like, because guys are always like,

I don't know if I'm supposed to like go up to her or not. And it's like, that's the way a woman can be aggressive without saying anything and seeming, it's like a passive aggressive way of letting a guy know, hey, I'm into you. So if you make eye contact with a woman and she averts her eyes, that is a, do not.

After a couple seconds if she averts her eyes and kind of like smiles. Most women do that though. Like if you catch a woman making eye contact, I feel like we usually just kind of like look away and we start like, oh my God, he's looking at me, even though they think you're cute or whatever. But the trick is you have to hold that eye contact

to be inviting, but the guys don't question. Oh. Historically, if I made eye contact with a woman, like almost every single time, they like look away immediately. And that's, if that person was interested, I would never have the courage to say anything to them. Exactly.

Here's what you do. I think if you just, if you look again though, and they're doing it again, then it's like that, because that's what I used to them. Exactly. Here's what you do. I think if you just, if you look again though, and they're doing it again, then it's like that because that's what I used to do. Like I used to be kind of like, oh, I'm too, I'm too nervous to hold it if I would be into a guy. So I would just keep doing like I would avert right away and then I would do it again. And like I, but man, is there, I'm like getting like a little excited, even thinking about holding eye contact with a stranger across a room and trying to like communicate That you're into them, but like that actually act like you're not so fun

But you're supposed to hold it for like three seconds, which is a I mean it's one two Three like that's a long time to hold eye contact with someone and I started on one So that was actually I don't know if I can make eye contact with my dog for that long. She won't allow it. And if she does, you know what she wants. But Carlyle was like, yeah, Carlyle was like, I don't know what this guy wants. We were like, we know, get it girl. And she said it was so awkward that she was like, she was saying goodbye to this person. And then he just like lingered and looked

that she had to be like, all right, see you next time. She had to say something else to like fill the space. And we're like, oh my God. And I saw this guy and I would not have thought he looked as good as he did, but let me just say he looking good. And so this was very exciting. Wow, what is the scenario in which this is happening?

What's the context? She was at work. Oh, okay. She was at work and they were a person at. She's working and this person's. Yeah, she's working. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

All right. Very exciting. So is something gonna happen here? Is there a number exchanged? No, I don't think that's professional in her case, but I think something, the idea that something could have happened, I think is an exciting.

You should have written the number. Yeah. Flipping a number to a girl and then it's leaving is such a good move because you don't have to put the pressure on them to do anything. Does the girl call you because that changes the whole energy of the owner? No, because it's well, a girl can just like say hi, you know, like it's not too much. Okay, so the reverse is good. The reverse is good. If a girl gives a guy the number, then that's, I love that. The guy can ask. That's too aggressive. No, I've done that so many times and it's not worked.

Oh my God. I used to always do it because it's the easiest thing to do is just be like, here's my number, and then you just walk away. Yeah. Because I'm so scared of telling someone I like them, so I would just do that. Well, it works really well if you're talking to a guy

who maybe is afraid to make the first move. Like that happened in my year of dating before it became Neo from the matrix. I was talking to this girl at a bar and I was afraid to say like, Hey, I wanna, you know, get your number. And then I just kind of, the conversation has kind of ended and I kind of walked away and I just had the rest of my night and at the end of the night, she came up to me and just slipped me a receipt with her

number on it. Oh, yeah. And is that Allie? No, I'm just kidding. That's so cute though. Yeah, I did it. I think I did it a couple of times where I gave my number and I don't think it worked out.

One time I wrote it on a banana. Like on the outside? Well, a guy, I was on a plane and believe it or not, the flight attendant was like a hot guy that was seemingly very straight. Wow, really? Yeah, and I was vegan, I'm vegan, and I was sitting in business and he offered me snacks and I was like, I'm vegan, can't have anything.

He's like, we're gonna find something for you. And he went and found me a snacks and I was like, I'm vegan, can't have anything. He's like, we're going to find something for you. And he went and found me a banana and I didn't really want the banana, but I wrote my number on the banana and on the way out, I was just like, here's my number and I gave it to him on the banana. And he said, and he waited to call until it was like about to rot, he said. And then we never met up, but it was still a cute meet cute. Yeah. And Sharpie on the banana? No, I wrote like, dug in like pen, you know, like kind of... Wow.

Like on the banana skin, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what? I think I ate the banana and literally gave him the peel. I was like, because I thought it was funny to give him the trash and be like, because he would think it was trash and I go, look at it closer. I think that's what I did. Cause that's funnier than handing back the banana. That's exactly what I did. I gave him the trash and I was like, look closely.

And then I thought he just didn't know what I said. And I was really embarrassed for a few days because I was like, oh, he thinks I just handed him trash. Oh, he couldn't read it. And he's like, why did this crazy lady just carve hieroglyphics in this banana peel? Yeah. Um, so that was kind of a fun thing. I'm trying to think of other cute things I've done. Why did this crazy lady just carve hieroglyphics in her banana peel? Yeah. So that was kind of a fun thing.

I'm trying to think of other cute things I've done. Yeah, I was trying to do funny stuff and that doesn't go over well. It just doesn't work for women to be the aggressors. No, most men don't want women to be funny. They want them to be funny and or aggressive. It's the same thing. I think when a woman is funny to most men, it's as if you're being aggressive. Yes. Yeah. The same thing. Uh, yeah. What about like hyper, like sexual texts? Oh God, that's probably too aggressive too. I would

think like a girl sending a guy hypersexual texts. Yeah. Like, you know. Oh, man. Sex. I have one. What? I have one. Okay. So I was actually watching a movie recently where this guy was in it that I like really was like, it's, I think I don't want anyone to figure out who this is because I wonder if I've like revealed anything about it in past things if some If my archivist is listening

Come up with the data of my life, but then I think ever what happened with this person But anyway, I saw this guy's picture on Instagram and I was like that's one of the hottest people I've ever seen in my life And I was like, what's his deal and I went to his profile. This is years and years ago. And he's following me. Whoa! I was like, what? Whoa! And this was like, I'm not kidding you, this was like 10 years ago.

So it was like way before anything. And he had been like a working actor for a while. I'd never heard of him or seen him, but he had been in some stuff. And so I went to like message him to be like, hot, you know? And then he had messaged me before, and I just missed it. So I'm like, fucking jackpot, yo, yes. So, and it was like a-

How many followers did this person have at the time? Probably like low thousands, because he's an actor. Right, right, they're not trying to- He's done some stuff, but not like big, at that time not big stuff, he's done a lot of stuff now. He's blown up since then. Yeah. He's gotten a lot of stuff now. He's blown up since then. Yeah. He's gotten a lot of banana peels handed to him.

So, then it was flirty. And so we started kind of texting and I was in a different city than him. And then he took it to not even a sexual place too fast. He took it to a romantic place too fast. Oh no, that's death romantic place too fast. Oh, no, that's death death. Yeah That's the equivalent I mean that's a woman going to sexual is I think a turnoff to a lot of men because there are certain men who are Like she's a slut and there are other men who like want you to be you know

aloof and then for I think for guys the worst thing you do is be to actually I think it works for guys and girls to Be too romantic too fast. Yeah, it was just too, there was some talk that was a little bit like the way you would talk in a relationship, you know, like, I won't say exactly what it was, but it was reminiscent of, you're a schmupy. No, you're a schmupy, you know,

that Seinfeld kind of baby talk. Which would have been totally fine had it been like an inside joke with us, way into our relationship, but it was just too... It scared me, even though I was like, I mean, it was one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in my life and there was an opportunity there. And I literally let it slip through my fingers because I was like, I couldn't get over the way it made me feel. Yeah. Well, he's devalued all of a sudden. Like, why does this guy want a relationship so bad? What's wrong with him? Well, yeah, maybe, but it was also, yeah, it felt like,

and I've talked about this before, just I don't like when someone is operating with you on a level that is too intimate when they haven't gotten to know you. It seems insincere. It seems like a lot of how a guy would probably be like, does she do this with everyone? With a girl who gets too sexual?

What makes me special? This guy doesn't even know me enough to talk about Sunday Snuggles. That's a really good point. Like maybe they're, oh, okay. You've mentioned Sunday Snuggles before. Okay, yeah. I might have been on the Not Safe podcast

you've mentioned Sunday. It's been etched in my brain. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a sign of a love bombing, where it's like this person has moved too fast they don't even know who I am and yet they're here which means that they're just as likely to change and become a Cold frigid mom. Yeah, it was probably good of me to have my cockles up But this person remains a nice person in my life and I like them and I would recommend someone date them

So I don't think it was a I don't think I dodged a bullet by any means. Yeah. So JK Simmons, he's still good. Oh yeah. You would still date JK Simmons. I wish JK Simmons would roll into my DMs. I love him so much. What a amazing, and my mom was, I could tell kind of horny for him. She was like, he's fit. Oh, he's super fit. He's like, uh, like a Jeff Bezos, uh, a good Jeff Bezos. Yeah. Yeah, he is. There's even though he plays an evil, sometimes evil characters, there's a warmth to him. Oh yeah. Every time you understand. Yeah.

It's so good. And just go watch Whiplash for the love of God. I'm not going to stop talking about it anytime soon. We're going to be back on the podcast tomorrow. Thank you guys so much for listening to this Ramble Fest. Love you so much. Don't be cut and bye, see you tomorrow. The Nikki Glaser podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and I Heart Podcast. Created and hosted by me, Nikki Glaser. Co-hosted by Brian Frangy.

Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hans Saani and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lien and Loaf. Video production, Mark Canton, and music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube. Follow at Nikki Glaser pod and subscribe to our channel. Hi, I'm Arturo Castro, and I've been lucky enough

to do stuff like Broad City and Narcos and Roadhouse. And now I'm starting a podcast because honestly guys, I don't feel the've been lucky enough to do stuff like Broad City and Narcos and Roadhouse. And now I'm starting a podcast because honestly guys, I don't feel the space is crowded enough. Get Ready for Greatest Escapes, a new comedy podcast about the wildest true escape stories in history. Each week I'll be sitting down with some of the most hilarious actors and writers and comedians people like Ed Helms, Diane Guerrero and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I love storytelling and I love you, so I can't wait.

Listen and subscribe to Greatest Escapes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B.

As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s,

tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that'll resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is gonna be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means

to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We all have a moment that splits us wide open. On my new podcast, Wide Open with Ashlyn Harris, I'll sit down with trailblazers from

sports, music, fashion, entertainment, and politics to explore their toughest moments and the incredible comebacks that followed. Listen to Wide Open with Ashlyn Harris, an iHeart Women's Sports production on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy, my doll. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

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